#gives me comfort. makes me feel better. helps me process my trauma in a way dats not invasive to me personally& dat i have full control of | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

maybe-boys-do-love · 2 months ago

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So far, Kidnap the series, is BL-ing in all the right ways. It's light fare, but that's exactly what it aims for, and its hitting near the bullseye every episode. Just because its light doesn't mean its bad. Consider this my plea to everyone--for the sake of romance, BLs, and Thai BLs in particular--to stop equating dramatic naturalism with 'good' art. Kidnap is silly, sweet, and such a throwback to classic BLs--it's already hit most of the BL tropes. More importantly, Kidnap understands a major 'why' of BLs and light fare, and the series, itself, is depicting that 'why': they can give an overwhelming sense of reparation for queer people's buried traumas.

On the podcast Boys Love Boys Love, hosts and gay married couple Adam and RJ have been recapping their first watch of ITSAY (which very much broke open many traditions of the BL genre) with guests. In all three recaps so far, the guests and hosts have detailed vividly how, despite feeling 'proud' of their sexuality, BL shows allowed them to revisit painful experiences of isolation and abandonment in adolescence that occurred because of homophobia and then re-imagine an adolescence in which they weren't constantly on guard but instead experienced genuine adult care, friendship, and uninhibited explorations of first love. BL shows and their happy endings help queer people process griefs we don't realize we've suppressed.

I see a parallel to this experience in Kidnap as Min aids Q in coping with his acute PTSD, especially in the play acting scenes. Q can safely engage with his past experience and gain a sense of control and compassion over what he couldn't manage originally. Because I'm a performance dork at heart, the context of Ohm, the 'king of BLs,' leading Leng, an entirely green actor, within the show and through the actual process of acting in BLs doubles down on the theme. With each clear-from-outer-space romance beat, the show promises that this is a safe place to be vulnerable.

In the latest episode (episode 5), the series even began to reveal plot-relevance to its BL levity. We've all joked about Min's incompetency with all the crime he's been drawn into. After the first episode, the people on the internet chucked it up to a cheesy show disinterested in researching and committing to the realities of crime, but then James walked in the next week and called him out on it all. It was just Min, not the show. His exuberant care and desperation to please has led him, unsurprisingly, into a web of deception with no way out.

Brother Mhen laid it flat out this week: just because Min takes care of him doesn't mean he doesn't also provide kinds of care for his brother. Min, like any human-being, has his own weaknesses and issues of self-worth, and Q, with his savvy and prerogative of self-preservation learned from his upbringing, is positioned perfectly to provide the care and encouragement Min needs. I don't think the show has invited this comparison as directly, but it does make me think about how we figure the lighter BL shows and people like Ohm, a particularly evocative representative for creators in the industry, who endure controversies and vitriol to bring their best attempts to lighten the burdens of audiences.

For all the intense feelings ITSAY or The Eight Sense or The On1y One produced in me, I can recognize that their 'cinematic' style, with its naturalistic performances and precise camera work, is still just a style. It's not inherently better than shows recorded on sound-stages with more theatrical performance styles, though many critics and scholars have trained us to think that way. I Love Lucy, The Golden Girls, and shows like them are undeniably celebrated series that have no interest in approaching cinematic style.

Stable cameras, broader characters, and more absurd situations allow for subversive problems to be broached and tackled (and laughed at) while maintaining audience comfort. The slapstick and screwball comedy is one of the things I've adored about Thai BLs, in particular. The audience can feel for but not with the characters. And, that healthy distance is not to be diminished. Comfort can be a vitally important aesthetic experience, and the rules for judging genres that prioritize it are very different than those used for judging prestige tv and *poetic cinema.*

Too much realism would be detrimental to an action rom-com like Kidnap because the audience would no longer feel safe to laugh and coo about these characters in their situation. Although GMMTV is leaning more into its cinematography for BLs recently with this series and The Trainee (maybe toss Moonlight Chicken in there), I personally appreciate how they've maintained the genre's unpretentious sentimental tone, even as they've allowed creators to expand the breadth of the genre and address its problems. That tonal lightness allows us, in Kidnap, to safely dive into PTSD and perhaps our own experiences as queer adolescents with parents who left us unseen as we suffered alone; we trust the show will leave us and the characters resolved in the end.

But I don't want to mistake that kind of depth as the main point of BLs. Those are the undercurrents but we're meant to have fun here. You don't pull-up Miss Congeniality on your TV to understand the human condition. We like these characters, feel safe to open up our hearts, and trust, even as threats of death loom, queer love will conquer all.

#kidnap the series #thai bl #just witnessed one too many statements this week about thai bls not being 'good'#bl drama

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yannaryartside · 9 months ago

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Why did Claire convince Carmy to drop HIS ideas for the menu?

So, did somebody else get upset when Carmy explained to Sydney that Claire made him realize "there are things I don't really care about...anymore" about the menu?

Like, wtf dude, this is YOUR menu, the whole point of your restaurant, why the fuck do you now think you don't care?

On Claire changing the menu

I think that Storer was really smart for not showing that scene, where Claire is comforting Carmy after his panic attack. Now, from what we can gather of the actual events, Carmy got a panic attack, then they talked about Donna driving a car through the wall of their house, and sometime before or after all that, they talked about the menu. A couple of things that, if they happened, could have been big red flags about Claire:

Why was Claire's solution to tell Carmy to forget about his original ideas for the menu? that is like "Oh honey does this cause your anxiety (you know, because you care about it) why don't you just drop it? Maybe then you will be happy" You have to treat the anxiety, not avoiding the things you care about because of it.

Did Claire dismiss Carmy's intentions on the menu, because it had to do with Syd? Like, did she actually recommended to drop it all because it would mean that Carmy and Sydney won't collaborate anymore? because Claire felt threatened? We all saw the way Claire looked at Syd.

Even if you could justify all this by "she was doing the best she knew to help him" I think the audience wouldn't have appreciated her talking Carmy into forgetting his vision for his own restaurant. That is the equivalent of Mary Jane telling Peter not to be Spiderman.

Now, and this is the really weird part, at this point Carmy is trying to make all the dishes his family made, but change them a little, recontextualize them. To make them "his own" and he told Claire about that, he part that is not clear is why he dropped the "thoughtful chaos menu" and just left the "chaos menu" My interpretation of this, again, is because thoughtful chaos can only be made by Carmy and Syd's collaboration. So Claire agreed with the things relating to the Berzatto traditions, but not, idk, Carmy's original vision for the restaurant, which may have not so much to do with her mother's recipes, and wanted to explore more to create something unique with Syd ideas too?

On Claire comforting Carmy.

Just a little last note. They had sex. Like, Claire and Carmy had sex after he got a panic attack, and the next morning he was still stressed as fuck. While just the memory of Sydney was able to calm him down from a huge panic attack (while he was thinking of Claire). Jejejeje.

Now...being serious. Idk if you think that offering sex for calming someone down is cute...I don't think it is. Even if they have already calmed down and you just want to "make their night better" or whatever.

Some people get really into sex while they get stressed, but a panic attack is more of an "I am dying' feeling, and it can depend on the person, Carmy is the kind who gets frustrated, exasperated, and violent while trying to handle his anxiety. So trying to make somebody not feel any of that that by asking them to be in the mood for fucking...Like "Oh, the trauma that you are trying to process right now honey, just don't feel it, but I want to fuck, and I know it can make you feel better" Personal opinion: gives me the ick, like 'Oh, my affection must be the answer to all your problems, my love is the only medicine you need" It all gets worse in my mind when I remember this woman is an emergency doctor, she is supposed to know some recommended procedures to help people with panic attacks, maybe she used them before they got into bed, but still, she can only presume that he is in a different head space just a few hours later, and you kinda look like and ashole if she offers and you say no.

I just don't like the idea of forcing mood changes on someone by offering them affection, especially sex. That can be really toxic for both parties.

#this post is all over the place but idk #Carmy changing his original vision because of his relationship with Claire still bothers me #the bear meta #sydcarmy #sydney adamu #the bear #carmy the bear #carmen berzatto #sydney x carmy #the bear fx #carmy berzatto #carmy x sydney #syd adamu

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nightcolorz · 5 months ago

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okay i swear last from me tonight and no spoilers for show but i need armand happiness can we have some book armand / devils minion headcanons. literally about anything- their relationship, what they like to do, post canon, general armandisms that make me love him So Much?

don’t worry about bothering me I love when u interact with me <33 ok so I have a rlly cringe post canon devils minion head canon that I have been wanting to talk about but it’s rlly cringe and self indulgent 😭💔 but tbh, about as cringe as anything in late book canon so 🤷 I hope u enjoy and it makes u feel better, it’s my go to comfort headcanon

so I think Anne rices canon introduction of “through Science™️ vampires can conceive children with the help of DNA 🧬 , but they will come out as genetic clones, literally like identical twins but they r ur child, and lestat has a canon clone son” is a stroke of unhinged world building genius that is greatly underutilized by the fandom! I also think the vampire chronicles fandom is rlly missing out on some cringe fandom trademarks (like fandom ocs, ridiculous aus, stuff like that) bcus of the lawsuit thing probably. So anyway, I made the change I want to see in the world, and I have a genetic clone fan child oc 🙏. inspired by Armand’s canonically paternal personality and nurturing tendencies and soft spot for children, I like to think that way way post canon (around modern day) Armand and Daniel decide to Start A Family, and go through the process lestat did of conceiving a clone child with a surrogate (through armands dna), and they have a son (clone of Armand) named Ivan (after Armand’s father, I’m sappy) ! 🥰🥰 . It’s so silly I know, but I think having the opportunity to raise a human child and getting to give him and watch him live the mortal life he constantly envies and hoped to be able to provide Benji and Sybelle (before it was stripped from them) would be like, rlly good for Armand, and definitely I could see him in later canon wanting to pursue having a child with Daniel bcus of this unresolved grief. The clone layer, as ridiculous as it is, adds another dimension of sappy bcus not only will Armand get to live out the catharsis of giving a human child the fulfilled human life he never got, he will also get to see *himself*, or an almost too literal embodiment of his inner child, get to experience what he never did, and live that happy and safe childhood that Armand was deprived of. I think watching his son who looks just like him grow up and become a man while Armand is eternally frozen as a teen would be hard for him, but still healing and important.

So in my heart, post canon Armand and Daniel have their shit together enough to healthily (tho imperfectly) raise their clone son Ivan, who lives and dies a mortal. Ivan is the most spoiled child to ever live and he has a lavish playroom that is practically a house, fifty iPads, probably like ten ponies, etc etc. I imagine since he shares so much of Armand’s dna he strongly carry’s a lot of his traits, such as autism and strong hyper fixations. And I like to think he’s a little bit of a brat like Armand was as a child🙏 especially since his other dad Daniel does little to discourage those tendencies 😭. Ivan is a screen addict, a model train addict, and a Wolf Kid. He grows up to be the freakiest, strangest, long haired big bearded 5’6 ginger man at the gay bar. As a toddler Armand dresses him like a tiny fancy little man bcus he won’t have any son of his committing any fashion crimes, but unfortunately for Armand Ivan takes after Dad-niel in the fashion department and by the time he’s able to dress himself he wears wolf themed t-shirts and cargo shorts everyday ��💔

Daniel is rlly naturally good with kids which is incredibly sexy and romantic to Armand. He’s the fun dad 💀 Armand is a little too strict and a little to over protective bcus of how trauma based I imagine his parenting would be, and daniels laid back, comfy and understanding energy helps level that out. When he’s a teenager Ivan goes through a rebellious emo phase and Armand and Daniel have to spend all of their energy desperately trying to ensure Ivan doesn’t tap into his addiction gene or his strong susceptibility to inheriting his father’s personality disorders 💀. He is very doted on and very loved, he is given more care and attention than any other child would be capable of receiving 😭. Armand is convinced he’s a child genius and will definitely cure cancer and become a world leader, so he tends to parade him around like his prized possession that everyone needs to know is incredibly special during Vampire Family reunions or whatever goes on post canon. ivan is not allowed to interact with Most vampires, except for Uncle Louis, who finds it emotionally difficult to be around children 😭 and Uncle Lestat (only under careful supervision of Uncle Louis), who loves throwing Ivan around like a ragdoll and telling him embarrassing facts about Armand 💀

I hope u like this lol, thank u for the ask!!! <33 u r always welcome to ask me for headcanons or ask for my thoughts, that is my favorite thing. Anyways, for those who r invested, here’s my Ivan art

#tvc #armand #the vampire chronicles #vampire chronicles #iwtv #interview with the vampire #the vampire armand #the devils minion #devils minion #daniel molloy #daniel x armand #armand le russe

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pfhwrittes · 10 months ago

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riffing off the poll i reblogged re: your blorbos doing top surgery. so these are some vague headcannons on how the members of tf141 would look after a reader post top surgery.

pairings: gaz x reader, soap x reader, simon x reader (romantic), john price & reader (platonic).

warnings: gaz refers to reader as babe and calls the reader handsome.

note: i’ve written this reader to be a trans man but can be read as anyone who wants top surgery. also i am firmly in the camp that you DON’T have to have surgery to be considered transgender or to have your gender respected. fuck knows it’s a hard enough process here in the UK, i can’t imagine my healthcare being stuck behind what is essentially a paywall.

gaz would be a sweetheart. he’d get you drinks and painkillers. he’d move your cushions/pillows around as much as you wanted. he’d pretend not to see when you burst into tears over pain/relief/a weird sense of mourning and fear. he’d even help you to the bathroom and linger outside the door (unlocked, he’d insist on it being unlocked) in case you need help with anything. the man gets your favourite takeaway and doesn’t make a fuss when you only eat a little bit of it because you’re feeling a bit nauseous from the meds you’re on. checks on your drains and dressings and soothes you when you catch sight of the swelling. he reassures you with forehead and cheek kisses when you’re upset and reassures you with a gentle babe you’re so handsome and brave, i can’t wait for you to show off your chest when you’re feeling better.

price would handle it from a more professional perspective (i am not saying reader would be in the military but i am saying that the man deals with paperwork most of the time anyway so he’d handle it for your work). he’s already sent off copies of your medical note from the surgeon, he’s filled in the paperwork to get sick pay. less hands on than gaz (but that’s only because i can’t see price with a trans man in a romantic or sexual way) so he doesn’t overstep but as your friend he’ll bring you food if you ask and painkillers too. checks in with you and sends you book recommendations, music recommendations and the occasional meme (don’t try to tell me he wouldn’t send you memes. that man is a millennial he knows what a fucking meme is) when you’re well enough to complain about being bored.

simon would be kind of a dick about it. listen i don’t make the rules but he would. he’s supportive enough. he’d give you a ride back from the hospital and get you to wherever is the most comfortable but he’s a bit shit at looking after you (the man has no practice outside of emergency medical care). you’d have to text him to get you a drink or painkillers. healthy nutritious food? no. what flavour pot noodle do you want? never mind you’re getting a bombay bad boy because that’s all he’s got in the cupboard. emotionally he’s not great at expressing how he’s feeling about your recovery so he comes across as gruff but that’s mostly because he’s repressing a whole bunch of trauma and fear that things won’t go well. he won’t touch you apart from holding your hand when you ask because he’s worried he’ll mess up your stitches but still it comes across as a bit cold.

soap the darling man is just so fucking excited for you. it’s a bit much actually while you’re still recovering and yeah you end up snapping and it hurts his feelings a little but he’ll try to play it off as not a big deal. he’s just so happy for you (and for himself because he cannot wait to get his hands on you now that you’ll let him because your chest is the way you want it)! super affectionate, peppers you with kisses all over your face. he’s similar to gaz in that he’s all about making you as comfortable as possible and tries to preempt any requests you have (gets you bottles of water and can of irn-bru because that’s what he always wants when he’s feeling under the weather, grabs you as many snacks as you want). unlike gaz he’s enough of a freak to insist on being in the bathroom with you when you need to go, he says it’s to make sure you’re safe but he’s definitely using it as an excuse to touch you as much as possible until you’re fully healed up.

#cod fic #ftm!reader #binders and boyfriends #kyle garrick x reader #simon riley x reader #john mactavish x reader #john price and reader #kg #jp #jm #sr

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mental-illness-bingo · 1 year ago

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A long time ago, as a toddler, I screamed in my head for someone, anyone to help me. To make it stop hurting. To let me be free.

A man with wings like lambskin, large clawed hands, deep gray skin, and eyes like nothing I had ever seen in my couple of years stood in front of me inside of my head - what I didn't yet know was the headspace - took my small frame into his arms and said "you'll need to toughen up". That scared me more than anything.

"I don't want to be tough. I want to be small and fragile and naïve. I'm supposed to be that right now, I think. I think I would like to be soft forever."

"Okay," he said, amazing me by being a man respecting my no "then I will be tough for you."

Without hesitation, he took the form of someone my age and he lives my life for me, allowing me safety inside of the head with the alters I know are safe to be around. No more outside interaction I don't explicity choose - and he tells me if it's safe or not when I do decide to.

He has taken the risk out of people. He has allowed me the privilege of love and interaction without giving up security or the childish belief that the world can be good.

I'll never, ever say thank you enough times even if I used the breath of the entire world for the next million years.

My host saved my life, my sanity, and maybe even saved the system some trauma by being better at handling the situation, sure.

But most importantly, he saved my innocence. And he didn't even know me yet.

So dear host, when I say I love you and you are the best "brother" I could ever ask for, please don't look at me with those confused eyes. Don't shrug away and hide your demonic wings from me because they are the same ones that you wrapped around me when I was broken and believed I was beyond repair.

Your claws have never ever scratched my skin because unlike every other man, you have always been careful not to hurt me, yet you make it seem effortless. You make me wonder how careless everyone else must have been if you so easily avoid causing any harm at all.

You don't have to be embarrassed of the smell of fire in your breath or your "unnatural" eyes. These have been my comforts for as long as I have had any. That firey smell filled my lungs as you breathed life into a husk of a girl; a tattered doll. Those eyes showed me love larger than any cruelty I had experienced, as impossible as that seemed.

My dear brother, you may be a demon but you are ten times the good any man on Earth could ever be.

I did not know a man could hold me without thoughts and hands and other things under my clothes. I did not know I could feel loved by a man in an entirely platonic and familial way without being in denial of their true thoughts. I did not know safety and a man could exist in the same room.

These things that make you "evil" are the only good I know. The pieces of you that you hate are the exact parts that made you different enough to trust.

Please don't hurt yourself in the process of making yourself appear small and human for me. Human is exactly what I was afraid of. What you think will make me run and hide are the only reasons I didn't back then.

I would never, ever want you to hide even a single one of them.

Be yourself as you are, my gentle host, because that is the version of you that saved me. To me, that is the best of you.

But whoever you are, I love you and am grateful to you and those run deeper than any hurt I have ever experienced. Thank you for showing me something could be larger than the pain.

-B

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bigfan-fanfic · 2 years ago

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Nurture (Male Reader x Thor)

Requested by @jayfeather965 for Thor meets a shy human who has the power to talk to animals and control plants. He met him on a rescue mission from some hydra facility. Can you do a short fic on them forming a relationship as human begins to trust again and get over his trauma?

It had been decided that protective custody would be the best thing for you, and Thor had offered to bring you to Asgard.

SHIELD obviously hadn't liked that, but it wasn't up to them.

Hydra had determined that harkening back to the Auld Ways was the way forward, and their deep dives into mysticism and the occult had not only revealed the existence of Chaos magic, but also the natural magic of the world.

What better weapon than life itself?

What better equipped assassin than one who could take advantage of the most abundant form of complex life?

What better spy than one who can talk to animals?

However, Asgard is pretty much the perfect place for you to feel comfortable.

Magic is not just accepted and known here, but a way of life. Odin and Frigga are both highly accomplished mages, and their son Loki has learned from them both.

So, really, no one is shocked at your abilities, which is actually really helpful in you coming to accept them yourself. In fact, quite a few share similar abilities.

It's still hard to trust anyone, though.

Thor appoints himself your bodyguard and accompanies you wherever you would like to go.

He treats you cautiously, carefully. He never prods you to start talking, nor directs you to go anywhere unless it's for a reason that he explains, like dinner is starting, or there's a very nice secluded garden that you might like to check out.

Eventually, you start to open up to him. It's easy to talk when there's no pressure to it.

You don't talk about what you've been through. Not yet, although there has been a healer you've been obliged to speak with once a week to process what has happened to you.

With Thor you ask about his memories. His childhood, his thoughts. Simple things like his favorite color. You're still pretty shy, so these questions take great effort to ask, and Thor recognizes that.

He takes his time, pondering each question and giving an honest answer, full of introspection. Sometimes a joke.

Thor slowly becomes easy to talk to. He smiles more frequently, and starts to engage you, and now you don't flinch when he asks you something by surprise.

He too opens up, the more personal questions you ask him getting honest answers, sometimes pulling deep emotion from him.

You talk to him about your treatment, about your past. He holds you while you cry, and you take him in your arms when he does.

And one morning, he takes you to a garden you haven't seen yet, and you lean forward to kiss him.

He freezes. Gently stops you.

"I would be lying if I said I did not care for you. But it would be selfish of me to allow this without inquiring... my friendship, my care for you. It does not come with the expectation of anything else."

He blushes. "Though I would love the opportunity to court you, I will not hold it against you if you decide not to - what I'm trying to say is that... you have my respect, my friendship, and my protection, and you do not need to feel the need to repay me in this way. I just need to make sure you know this."

You nod. "I.. this is because I like you, Thor. I like being around you. I like seeing you every day. I like listening to you. Talking to you. I love you."

He smiles softly, eyes prickling with unshed tears. "This... it overjoys me. I fear that if we embrace, I shall never wish to let you go. I promise you now that I will do whatever I can to help you. Even if that means giving you space. Just command me, and it shall be done, my prince."

You blush. "I... I can't promise that I'll ever be fully okay. That I'll stop being afraid of everything. All I know is that I want to try. And I'll keep trying."

He's so close to you right now.

And somehow, when you move slowly, deliberately, your eyes open, to kiss him - it means all the more than rushing into it blindly and impulsively.

Your eyelids flutter shut as your lips meet his, and he's right.

You may never wish to let go.

#male reader #thor x male reader #thor x reader #thor headcanons #marvel x male reader #marvel headcanons #headcanons

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starlightrows · 7 months ago

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Better Late Than Never

Chapter 4

Masterlist

← Previous - Next ��

Pairing: Alpha!Boba x Omega!reader

Word Count: 4.8k

Warnings: self consciousness, insecurity, self doubt, mention of pregnancy, concern about fertility, platonic scenting, scenting, heat symptoms, first heat, processing heat-shaming related trauma, delayed heat instincts, nesting, thigh riding, p in v sex, knotting, breeding, aftercare

AN: Happy Star Wars Day!

The days following the midsummer bonfire and your mating ritual with Boba were amazing. You got to wake up in his arms every morning and fall asleep in them at night. With each passing day you felt more comfortable with him during sex and were enjoying the experience of learning new ways to give and receive pleasure.

Ginny, Samara and Addam all kissed your cheeks and hugged you when you moved you few possessions out of the community omega tent. Obviously you would still be seeing them, they weren’t leaving Boba’s pack. But it was just like when Ahni moved out, it’s not the same when you don’t live together.

Ahni was over the moon excited for you. She told you she had suspected this all along, but you’re not sure if you believe that or not. Either way she’s been giving you more advice about being a bonded omega now and what things you can expect.

“He’ll have you pregnant in no time” she assured you one morning as you washed clothes together by the pond. The pack had not left the clearing where the midsummer bonfire was held. The pack leaders had business to contend over the next several days.

“You really think so?” You asked

“Well look at me” she laughed. Her belly was beginning to show a slight swell. “And Litus is a beta. Alphas are ten times more virile and their seed is far more potent”

“I just hope I’m…. doing everything right so that it happens” you blush a little embarrassed

“There’s really nothing you can do that’s wrong in that regard” she shakes her head “And from what I hear, Boba knows exactly what he’s doing”

Her tone strikes you as odd, but you can’t place why “What do you mean?”

“Oh I just mean that he’s had partners before” she shrugs nonchalantly

“Other mates?” You ask, suddenly feeling a beat of dread in your heart

“No no no, of course not! You are his mate. The one and only. I meant he’s had sex with many others perviously” she explains quickly “Which is relatively normal, at least in the packs we ally ourselves with”

The reassurance that you are his only mate does make you feel better, but the thought of how many people he’s had sex with preys on your mind. You’ve had sex with no one else. Not even with other omegas to get through your heat.

Boba had said that it just meant your body would only know his. That it was a beautiful thing. At the time it sounded so romantic and reassuring. But now you felt some shame surrounding it.

“Hey?” Ahni lightly touches your arm, getting your attention again after you had gone quiet. You turn your head back towards her and give her a weak smile and shake your head a little

“Sorry” you say sheepishly “What did you say?”

“I said, don’t let yourself get hung up on the past. His or yours. He chose you. Out of everyone in all nine packs in the alliance. And he does not make any decision without knowing for sure it’s the right call” Her smile is kind and open. The same one that welcomed you to the pack when you were rescued.

You lean over and wrap your arms around her in a hug “Thank you” She hugs you back and scents you gently. Showing her affection and friendship.

Later in the afternoon Boba finds you during the evening meal and sits with you.

“You have a different sort of scent today omega” he says “I smell a sadness in you. Is something wrong?”

“I’m not sad” you shrug “Just have some things on my mind”

“Come” he beckons you, extending a hand to help you stand so you can follow him back to the tent. He guides you inside, and pulls you into his arms when the flaps close behind him. He presses his forehead to yours and releases calming pheromones to soothe your body. “Tell me little one. What troubles you?”

He knows something is wrong. You didn’t even see him today and he felt that something was troubling you through your scent. You don’t want to lie to him but you also don’t have the confidence to talk about this subject with him yet. “I don’t think I should say”

“And why not?”

“Because I don’t know that discussing it would make me feel better”

“Have I done something? Hurt you in anyway? If I have, you must tell me”

“No no, nothing like that. I just… I worry that my ignorance and naivety will embarrass you”

He chuckles, a deep rumble of a laugh “Oh little one. Release these fears, you have not embarrassed me. And I doubt that you ever will. Where are these anxieties coming from?”

“Ahni was talking to me about pups and being pregnant. And that I will soon be pregnant. But I worry that there is some step or task or piece of me that I am lacking that will not allow that to come true. And then she was trying to reassure me that you knew what you were doing and I should trust in you that you have enough experience. And that just had me feeling bad that I have no experience to offer you and I —“

He places a finger on your lips, silencing your ramble and pausing the physical sensation of something rising up your throat.

“Your lack of experience is no fault of your own. But despite it, you seem to have no issue with submitting to me. Or taking my knot. Your scent still intoxicates me with every breath. I see nothing here that is lacking in anyway” he strokes your cheek with a thumb.

“However, your friend is correct about one thing. I have had many sexual partners in the past. I do not want to hide the truth from you, so I will answer any questions you may have regarding them”

You nod in his hand. Right now you don’t want to know about all of the other faceless omegas or betas from his past that have had the pleasure of taking his alpha cock, tasting his seed, kissing and touching and whatever else their relationships entailed. And you tell him as much. That you’re not ready to know those things. He respects that and appreciates your honesty, but leaves the offer open should you ever change your mind.

That evening Boba spends hours pleasuring you with his mouth, his fingers, his knot. He breeds you at least three times before you can’t keep your eyes open any longer. And it’s enough for you for now. He is honest and reassuring. He’s loyal to you and that’s all that matters.

A week later the allied packs disperse and head off their own ways again. Your nomadic lifestyle resumes and you once again get to experience new sites and sounds and foods with the lands you pass through. The only difference is now you get to ride near the head of the pack with Boba, and you get to have sex every night.

The pack has been slowly making their way north towards the mountains, Ginny told you this was the Maktarek mountain range. It’s where Alpha grew up and his father still lives there with a pack of elders. You make a mental note to ask Boba about his father, and if the pack was indeed heading that way.

About a month after the pack left the Ashlin forest Boba had confirmed that the pack was making the long journey to visit his fathers pack. Despite having already been on the move for a month, it would take at least two more to reach the village. The days were getting a little shorter and the nights a little colder, it didn’t really bother you though. On days you walked the movement in your body kept you warm and engaged with your surroundings. On days you road with Boba the heat of the bantha between your legs and the alpha pressed against your chest kept you warm.

One morning you woke up in the tent feeling a dull ache in your stomach. You felt overwhelmingly hot despite the chill of the morning air. Your head hurt and your mouth felt dry. A wave of panic rushed through you. You know this feeling. The sickening symptoms of your heat.

Normally you would take a small parcel of food and a bedroll and travel to the soaking pools at this point. You would have just enough strength to make it from your tent into the pool. The freezing cold water always burned your skin. Made your chest hurt to breathe. But it would also dowse the fire inside you. The one that you’ve now been taught to stoke and keep alight.

You remember what Samara and Addam and Ginny had told you when Ahni went into heat. You remember their lessons on what you’re supposed to do. Build a nest to make yourself a comfortable and safe space. Drink tons of water to prevent worsening your symptoms. Dehydration is extremely common because of how much you sweat and how much slick your body produces. Find an Alpha to knot you if you can, find a trusted beta or omega to get you off if you can’t. And if all else fails, masturbate to curb the craving and pray the heat doesn’t last long.

All of it is so overwhelming for you. Ahni, and several healers, have told you that because of the cold soaks you were raised to do instead of traditional omega coping skills during heat…. You technically have not experienced a full heat. You were warned that your first heat without the cold soaking would be like coming off suppressants for the first time in years. Very intense. Very painful.

You try not to panic.

“Nest” you mumble to yourself “Nest… nest…” You go to open a trunk to find more furs or blankets or pillows but instead find some of Boba’s possessions. Prized hunting weapons and armor pieces. You shut the trunk quickly, feeling terrible for invading that space.

You look around the tent and realize something. Everything is his. With the exception of the clothes you’re wearing and a small bundle of clothes like your heavy winter dress and cloak. You have no idea what you’re allowed to touch and what he would prefer you leave alone.

You’ve only been living in his tent for a month and a half. And you’ve spent most of that time traveling with the pack since the pack was just camped for almost two weeks. The panic begins to creep back in again. You don’t really know how to build a nest but you were hoping your deeply repressed instinct for it would just kick in. But with no materials you’re back to square one.

You pace around the tent and try to formulate a plan. You can’t go through all of his things to find nesting materials. So making a nest in here won’t work. That might not be a bad thing anyway, Boba does take meetings in here from time to time, it would be inappropriate for you to be nested here while he’s trying to lead and work. Maybe you could pitch a smaller tent to make your nest. But that requires finding nesting materials and a tent. Maybe nesting is just out of the question.

Move on to step two, water. That is something you can do. Boba always keeps fresh water in the tent at night. Usually he helps you drink after he fucks you and uses a damp cloth to clean you a little. It’s always tender and appreciated, it makes you feel like he genuinely cares for you. You drop down on your knees by the fresh water jug and lift the entire thing to your lips, gulping down as much as you can. There, now you don’t feel like a total failure.

Step three. Well there’s another problem. Boba had declared that this camp site would be home for a few days so the hunting party could go out on a more substantial hunt. He did not go with them this time, but he’s not here in the tent right now, because he’s busy attending his other ditues. You can’t just stop him in the middle of his day and ask him to continuously fuck you until your heat ends…. You’ve never had sex with anyone other than him and you’re bonded now so even if you did feel comfortable asking a beta or and another omega to help get you off, you’re not sure you would do it. That leaves masterbating. Yet another thing on the seemingly endless list of things you’ve never done.

Maybe there’s a pond somewhere close by, even if it’s not freezing cold. Maybe you could have Boba fuck you in the pond to help you transition…. No, that's stupid. Stupid girl. Stupid omega. The panic has risen back up into your throat again and your hands have begun to shake.

The dimly lit tent is suddenly illuminated and the haze of panic dissipates with the welcome scent of mahogany and blackberries.

“Omega?” His voice is commanding but his scent is concerned.

“Alpha?” You back away from the light, finding its sudden intrusion into this dim space threatening. He closes the flap behind him. And approaches you carefully.

“Omega. I can smell you. From halfway across camp. Your scent is stronger than it’s ever been” he advances towards you “You’re in heat, aren’t you little one”

“Yes” you nod your head “I’m sorry… I don’t… I don’t know why…”

He stops a few feet away from you and looks back throughout the tent. “Where is your nest omega?”

Tears are streaming down your cheeks. “I don’t know how to make one” you hang your head in shame “I… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before… I don’t know how”

His hands are rough and warm against your tear stained cheeks, lifting your gaze back up to meet his. His face is full of worry and concern, but also openness and understanding. “You’ve never been allowed to build a nest” he says “I can not build one for you. But I can provide you with everything you need to practice and do it yourself”

“I don’t have do it here” you say quickly “I can pitch another tent to be out of your way. I can pond soak until it goes away”

“No” he growls a little more sharply than he intends to “You will never be deprived like that again”

The growl is a little scary, he’s never growled like that at you before. But instead of terrifying you, it makes you throb with need. The cravings are getting stronger.

He lets you go and moves about the room, pulling blankets and furs and cloaks and pillows he has inside the tent. He leaves them on the floor, exactly where they are. He wants you to know where they all came from, so that you know where to find them again if you need them. And he wants you to feel as independent as possible when you make your first nest.

“I am going to get more clean water for you and more furs” he tells you “Do not fight this. Surrender to it and I will guide you through the rest” he kisses you and slips out of the tent.

You pick up a gorgeous gray fur by your foot, running the soft pelt between your fingers. You become acutely aware of the sensation of textile running over your skin. It’s bewildering in this altered state of mind, and addicting. You collect all of the furs and blankets and pillows into a big pile. Not exactly a nest, but you just need to start something. And you just need to keep touching all of these textures.

The thicker, coarser furs are heavy and sturdy. They have more variety in their texture. The softer remind you of the dyed blankets and feather soft pillows that keep your bed comfortable in the summer months when warmth isn’t as important.

For over an hour you sort through the furs. Arranging them around you. Grouping by feel and smell. Running your fingers over them, and your forearms and your cheeks. You don’t even notice that Boba had only left on the pretense of fetching you water, which most certainly does not take over an hour.

It occurs to you after a while that he hasn’t come back yet and it forces your mind to refocus, Your pile of furs you’ve been sorting and distracting yourself with has risen up around you and become your very first nest.

It’s remarkably comfortable, you almost forget about the throbbing pain in your belly and back and breasts and pussy. It wasn’t so painful when you were constructing your nest. But now it’s all you can think about.

You lay on your side surrounded by your pillows and soft furs, squeezing your thighs together and trying not to think about how desperately you want to feel Boba’s knot stretch you open. Just once. Surely you could make it through the rest of this heat in a non intrusive way if you just got to cum once on his knot. You normally had sex every night, you could survive until the evening.

“Oh look at you, omega” his voice pulls you from your rationalizing “What a beautiful nest”

You recoil at the intrusion and look at him with wide eyes. In your heart you know it’s Boba, your Alpha, your mate. But your altered state of mind perceives him as just an alpha and a potential threat in your vulnerable state.

Boba clocks this reaction immediately and does not make any movement to approach you or your nest. Instead he releases a soothing scent he knows you’ve responded well to in the past and speaks to you in a calm and quiet voice.

“You did it, omega” he encourages you “You built your first nest”

You nod your head but can’t find your voice to answer. He’s brought the water and another thick fur. But that’s not why you can’t tear your eyes from him. You’ve looked at him every day since your mating ceremony, armored, clothed, naked, there is no way you have not seen him at this point. But you have never wanted him more than right now.

“How do you feel, omega?” He prompts you, not moving from his spot.

“I’m too hot” you manage to get out “but I’m freezing cold too”

“Mmm… perhaps another fur to keep you warm against the chill” he says, carefully taking a few steps towards your nest and kneeling down to present you with the fur. Your heartbeat quickens seeing him approach but also makes you flinch.

He does not touch the nest. He does not put down the fur. He does not cross over into your space. He waits for you to come to him.

You crawl over to him, and feel a painful stab of arousal and need in your back that shoots all the way down to your pussy. It forces you to stop moving towards him and moan in pain and need.

Boba can feel himself getting a bit hot and bothered watching you. Stars you’re so beautiful, needy and moaning and simply begging to be fucked by him… but not until you invite him in. This must be done right.

When you finally reach him and take the fur he’s offered you, you can almost feel a hum in the air between you. You want him to touch your face. Kiss your lips. Push you down and rip off your clothes. You want him to put it in and knot you.

He can feel it through the bond. This desire in your body and the swirling emotions of desperation and guilt. He has every intention of giving you what you need.

“May I enter your nest omega?” He asks

“Yes” your acceptance sounds more like a plea

Boba takes off his boots and crosses the threshold into your nest of furs and pillows. He reaches for you and brings you into his lap. He can feel how hot your skin is, the light sheen of sweat that covers you head to toe. And he can feel the wet spot between your legs where slick has been pooling.

“Are you in pain, little one?” He asks in a lowered tone “Is the craving too much?”

“Yes” you whimper, wrapping your arms around his neck and pressing your face into him. Your hips slide forward over his thigh, getting the barest hint of friction on your pussy.

“Mmm… my poor little thing” he squeezes your hips and gently encouraging the motion you initiated, grinding your hips forward and back “Don’t worry little one”

You whimper into his neck as you rub yourself on his thigh. It doesn’t even feel good. Not compared to the things you know his tongue can do. But you’re so horny and as much as you want to resist being this desperate, you can’t help it.

Boba on the other hand is pleased with the increasing speed of your sloppy thrusts and the neediness in your moans.

“That’s it. Good girl omega” he growls in your ear “That’s right, take what you need”

You rut yourself against him, moaning and whining until finally you get some semblance of relief. A short lived orgasm that moves through you quickly and leaves you wanting more almost instantly.

Boba wastes no time. He pushes down his pants, freeing his cock that’s been straining against the fabric since he caught your scent this morning. You move just as quickly, shimmying out of all your clothes, unable to stand the sensation of them touching your skin. Boba doesn’t even need to speak, you climb back into his lap and position him exactly where you want him to be, and sink down on his length.

You clutch his shoulders for leverage and bounce yourself up and down on his cock. You’ve never felt this way before, so desperate to get relief from this intense heat that consumes your body. The freezing cold soaking ponds staved off this heat in the past. How could you feel hot or horny when every nerve in your body was frozen and numb?

Boba watches in awe. This has been on his mind lately, worrying about how your first heat together would go. He knew your upbringing had scarred you in many ways, prevented you from being able to experience life as an omega, kept you naive. He worried you might suffer through this heat, too skittish and afraid of his scent to let him help you. But instead you are blossoming. You look divine in his eyes. Head tossed back, jaw wide open, your entirely body glistening with sweat, your pussy stretched around his cock. You’re cumming all on your own, getting the release you need, that you deserve.

After your second orgasm from riding him, Boba is still hard as a rail inside you. He’s been too focused on watching you pleasure yourself to give himself a second thought. But now you’re laying against his chest, breathing heavily as the first wave seems to have passed. Boba strokes your hair and perfumes you in his scent.

“How are you feeling now, omega?” He asks, keeping his voice low

“Selfish” you mutter against his shoulder

“Selfish?” He echos

“I thought it would go away after the first orgasm. But it did nothing, it just made me want more and more and more” you feel another throb of arousal inside you, driving you to fuck yourself on him again but your limbs feel like lead. You don’t even have the strength to grind yourself against him.

“That’s normal little one” he assures you. He presses his hand into your lower back. Sliding you as far forward onto his lap as he can. He changes positions, lowering you down into the furs while keeping himself fully sheathed inside you.

He leans forward over you and groans at the feeling of sinking just a little deeper inside. He kisses the spot just under your ear “I know what you need. I know you still need more. I know you need a knot. Why don’t I take over, hm?” His breath is hot against your skin. The desperation has returned, the buzzing sensation under your skin and involuntary pulsing in your pussy. You whimper, the need is pure agony “Do you need my knot? Need to be bred omega? Is that what you need, my pretty girl?”

Your desperate cry and pleas of “Yes!” “Please” “Please alpha” are music to his ears. He enjoys teasing you this way but never holds out on you for long. He starts his pace strong and firm, you’re wet enough to take it. He cages your head with his forearms, kissing your fervently as he fucks you. He can feel his knot beginning to swell, he won’t last much longer.

“Aggghh fuck…. are you ready omega? For my knot” he pants

“Please” whine in his ear

He gets in three more good thrusts before he can’t pull out, his knot catching inside you as he empties himself with a groan of satisfaction. Your entire body seizes up around him, making you shake with an orgasm that leaves you witless.

Boba recovers his senses quicker than you and begins scenting you again. “Good girl omega. You’re doing so well” he whispers to you through your haze. He can’t move much with his knot locking you together, but he does what he can to comfort you.

After a few minutes, your head has cleared somewhat and your eyes are focused on him. “Being in heat isn’t what I expected” you admit.

“Mmm, and what did you expect? What were you told?” He asks

“I didn’t realize how powerful it would be. Ahni and the others said it was like feelings you can’t ignore. Like when you’re starving or parched. But that’s not what it felt like. It felt like…. like…” you trail off losing your train of thought as his knot deflated and slipped out of you.

“Like what?” He grins and kisses your cheek, having a idea of what just stole your focus

“Like being possessed… controlled by something beyond my will” you shake your head a little and snuggle in closer to him.

“In a little while I’ll bring you water and food. You’ll need it to keep up your strength. This is far from over” he wants to be honest with you and he wants to show you that he is here to take care of you

“I did that part right. I drank lots of water” you pipe up

“Did you? Very good omega” he praises “You built this wonderful nest as well”

“I don’t know if it’s good or not. I didn’t get to practice before all this happened” you’ve never actually seen an omegas nest with your own eyes. Only been given descriptions and instructions from your friends

“What makes a nest good is how it makes you feel” Boba tells you “It should soothe your anxiety. Comfort you. You should feel safe inside it. Does that sound familiar?”

“Yes… it felt really good when I was done sorting all the furs you left for me. Like I accomplished something” you smile to yourself

“Good. Alphas feel that way when they can provide for their omegas. Like giving you the furs earlier”

You hum in acknowledgment, and understand his meaning.“I’m sorry you have to explain so many things to me and can’t just provide the furs and continue working”

“You misunderstand me, sweet girl. Providing for you includes more than just gifting you the furs for your nest. It’s giving you a safe place to build a nest. Feeding you. Fucking you. Taking care of you comes before any other duties in this pack”

“You like taking care of me?” You ask with warmth flooding your cheeks

“I love taking care of you” he corrects you, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

You smile and enjoy his warm lips on your skin. “When you rut I will return the favor. I will serve you as you served me” you promise him

“Ruts are very different from heat cycles omega. Ruts can be very dangerous. You must understand, I am not quite myself during those times. I have gone through many unassisted in the last several years. I do not want you to feel obligated to around me during that time”

“But I want to. I want to be a good mate” you rest your forehead against his, sharing his breath and his heart “I… I love you”

His hand comes up to cup your cheek and tilt your head so he can kiss your lips “And I love you omega”

#Boba Fett #Alpha!Boba Fett #Better Late Than Never #A/B/O #omega!reader #omegaverse

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flyiingsly · 1 year ago

Text

Nightmares

Square : I wasn't sleeping

Pairing : Crosshair x gn!jedi!reader

Warnings : angst, nightmares, trauma and implied PTSD, mentions of Mount Tantiss, Crosshair being touch starved, this man deserves more hugs honestly

Wordcount : 3,5k

Summary : Crosshair keep having nightmares after being rescued from Mount Tantiss. You are a former jedi who is very sensitive to other people's emotions, and you are able to feel how bad he struggles with them. One night, after another nightmare, you try to show him that he can count on you to help him overcome his trauma.

A/N : My second submission for the @clonexreaderbingo ! This is part of an Everybody lives AU in which the Batch end up peacefully living on Pabu after successfully rescuing Omega and Crosshair from Mount Tantiss, just has they deserved it :D

Disclaimer : I'm still struggling to understand English grammar properly, English is not my native language and even if I have proofread my writtings several times, there is probably still typos in it. I'm very self conscious about it and I apologize for it in advance, but I'm doing my best to do better and I'm actively working at improving my writting skills !

So if you spot a typo, feel free to point it to me so I can correct it, it will be much appreciated :)

It was a cold night on Pabu. The winter season was approaching, the days were shortening and the sun seemed to grow even more distant form the little island every day. It had been weeks since Crosshair was successfully rescued from Mount Tantiss and that the squad was finally reunited. You knew it was still hard for him to accommodate to his new life and his new environment. You could tell he was having a hard time socializing and trusting everyone around him. He was doing his best and was making efforts, but he was still often standing alone and was still a bit cold with those who tried to interact with him. It was going to take time for him to get over everything he went through, you and the Batch knew it, and you were all trying your best to make him the most comfortable and at ease as possible.

But nonetheless, at this point, he was starting to become close to his brothers and to trust them again, their bond was in the process of being restored, and you could see it was improving more and more with each day passing.

At first, you weren’t expecting him to open up much to you, as you weren’t originally part of the Batch. You have been knowing Echo for a long time now, since you were fighting along the 501st, before he was captured at the Citadel. You were a jedi, and have grown very attached to the clones during the war, so after you escape Order 66, you decided to go after Rex and Ahsoka, for you had the feeling that something had happened to them, but not in a bad way. You had the feeling that they had made it out of all of this mess. It was during your journey to find them that you met the Batch, and got reunited with Echo. You had worked with them before on a few occasions, and they took you in without hesitation. Since Crosshair wasn’t with them at that time and didn’t approve their decision to keep you, you were expecting him to not recognize you as one of the members of the squad. Furthermore, the last few times you had crossed his past, he tried to shoot at you …

But you were trying your best with him anyway, giving him all the time he’ll need to trust you, never rushing him, always being kind to him … He was intriguing, and you took your time to get to know him. And surprisingly, as the time was passing by, that hard shell he was protecting himself under started to soften. He noticed all the efforts you made, all the patience you poured into trying to understand him, all your kindness … He wasn’t use to kindness, or to someone being so patient and open hearted with him. It felt strange at first, and even if he didn’t want to admit it, he was appreciating it sincerely. He felt at peace when you were next to him. All the attention and sympathy you gave him made him feel valuable and more human.

The two of you eventually became closer, although it was barely noticeable from the outside. He was still somewhat cold, distant and sarcastic, and you sometimes had troubles figuring out what he was thinking or feeling about you. But for the rest of the Batch, who knew him for so long, it was obvious that he ended up being really attached to you. You may be a jedi, but they were still a lot of things that you weren’t able to catch a glimpse of, even more with someone as mysterious as Crosshair.

Sleep was nowhere to be find that night, various and weird thoughts were spiraling through your mind and you weren’t able to get rid of them. You ultimately decided to do a better use of that spare time by reading some records from the previous mission that Tech had collated on his datapad then shared with you. You were the only one who was really paying attention to his ramblings about everything. You were an eager curious who loved to learn new facts as random as they can be, just like him.

You were absorbed in your reading when a strange feeling took over you.

You stopped your reading and just wait for it to go, but after a few seconds, you hear some very light footsteps passing by the door of your room. It wouldn’t have drawn your attention if it wasn’t for all the fear and anxiety that you were able to sense right now.

Something was wrong with the person crossing that corridor.

Crosshair.

You knew it was him, it was obvious. You knew he was regularly having nightmares about what happened to him on Tantiss. In fact, it happened to every member of the Batch to have nightmares from time to time. The war has left scars in everyone minds, even in yours. You’ve spent a couple of nights comforting them already, you knew how bad it was. But with Crosshair, it was worst. And although the others were able to talk to you about it, he, on the other side, was using a lot of energy to hide it and keep it to himself.

You could feel it anyway, his torments were so violent that it was overwhelming your senses every time you were near him after one of his nightmares. It felt as threatening as those Echo had after he was rescued from Skako.

Now you knew what was keeping you up and bothering your mind. You let the footsteps move away until you couldn’t hear them anymore. You hesitate for a moment, then get up of your bed. You knew he was more comfortable alone in these moments, but what you just felt was so intense that there was no way for you to not, at least, go check on him.

You put your clothes back on with a coat and a scarf and pull on your shoes. Your instinct was telling you to take a blanket as well, and within seconds, you were out of your room, the light of an electric torch guiding your steps in the dark.

As soon as you were out of the building, the cold wind hit you right in the face, freezing you on the spot and sending a violent shiver down your spine despite your heavy coat. The moon was full and its light was bright enough to allow you to shut down your torchlight.

You didn’t search for a long time before spotting him, for his strong emotions were leaving an easily identifiable trail behind him. You head toward the beach where the see was at its highest level. The light of the moon was beautifully reflecting on the waves, making them shimmer as they swirl.

“What are doing here ?” a cold voice took you aback, making you stop in your tracks. You were still a few meters away from him when he spots your presence behind him, addressing you without even turning his head to look at you.

“Well, I heard you leaving the building, so, I wanted to make sure that you were okay …”

He finally turns his upper body toward you, raising his head to look at you with a surprised expression.

“Did I wake you up ?” he asks. His voice was filled with concern. It was so unusual for him to not wear his little snarky tone that you weren’t sure how to interpret it.

“Oh, no, don’t worry ! I wasn’t sleeping anyway …” you answer briefly, not wanting to explain to him what was exactly on your mind. It wasn’t a lie anyway for you were, in fact, unable to sleep.

You looked at each other for a moment in complete silence and without moving.

“But, if you want to stay alone, I’ll understand … I just … wanted to let you know that I’m here if you need it …” you add hesitantly, waiting to be send packing any minute now, “and … I thought you’ll appreciate to have a blanket if you plan to stay here, the air is particularly cold tonight …”

He furrowed his brows, still not saying a word, and lectured you from head to toes, surprised and not really knowing how to handle the situation.

“You can stay.” He finally answers bluntly, turning back to face the see again.

You slowly move closer and sit next to him, keeping enough distance for him not to feel pressured. The silence goes on, as both your gazes were riveted on the moving water. What a coincidence, you thought, that the spot he picked up was your favorite one. It was the perfect place to stay hidden when you needed a moment on your own due to the high rocks border surrounding it.

You could feel that his anxiety level has decrease since you arrived. Even if he was still struggling, it was better than nothing.

Then your mind starts to drift toward some more joyful thoughts, fondly recalling the first time that you and the Batch arrived on Pabu.

“Didn’t you say that you bring a blanket ?” a voice suddenly pulled you out of your thoughts.

You look at Crosshair in surprise, you thought that he didn’t care about it at first.

“Of course, here.” You answer, holding it to him.

“Thanks” he mutters with a blank expression. You smile at him in response, not expecting him to smile back, before focusing on the water again.

As he unfolds the fabric, you notice that he was getting closer to you in the process. When you felt his arm brush against your back and the blanket being settled on your shoulders, your eyes widen. You automatically grab its edge to tighten it up around your body before his hand release it. It was your turn to look at him in surprise this time.

“Thanks …”

“I’ve already prevented you from sleeping and made you go out despite the weather, I just don’t want you to catch a cold because of me on top of that.” He was looking back at you too now, his piercing eyes profoundly rooted in yours. It wasn’t so often that you can meet his gaze, especially for such a long time.

His words made you understand that he knew why you weren’t able to find sleep, and why you were here. He knew how sensitive to other’s people emotions you were, and how comforting and helping your company was for his brothers when they were at their lowest. You couldn’t tell if it was his way to make you understand that he was in need of some comfort, but you decided to take the opportunity.

“You know …” you slowly start, picking your words with caution, “… if you need to talk to someone about anything, you can talk to me, I won’t judge you.”

You gave him another gentle smile, and slowly, you feel like if something was beginning to break apart inside him, as the glowing of his eyes became more intense and his jaw clenched. He suddenly looks away, lowering his eyes on the sand with a heavy sigh. You weren’t waiting for an answer, you just wanted him to hear it.

After a moment, his whole body started to shake as he buries his face into his trembling hands. But much to your surprise, after another heavy sigh, he raised his head from his hands and turned his body toward you, unexpectedly wrapping his arms around your neck and shoulders under the blanket, pulling you in a desperate and tight embrace.

Your eyes widen and you stood there in shock, processing what was just happening. You couldn’t move a finger at all, you were completely frozen to the spot by this out of character move. He immediately notices your tension and loosen his grip, realizing what he had just done.

“I’m … I’m sorry, I don’t know what was going through my mind, I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to force that on you …” He seems terrified, his voice was heavy, and you could feel guilt and shame in his tone.

But as he was trying to move away from you, you hold him back by placing your hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, it’s ok, don’t worry, you didn’t do anything wrong. I know you’re having a hard time, but it’s ok, you didn’t force anything on me, I was just … Surprised, you know. Because you’re usually not the huggy-kinda person, and I know that you particularly value your personal space, so I just wasn’t expecting that and I did not know how to react, but, it’s okay, really.” Your voice was calm and reassuring, but he still was feeling really bad about it.

“I know, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happen, I got overwhelmed, that’s not my type, I should never have done that, I should’ve asked, or just don’t do anything at all …” He was so embarrassed and moved it broke you heart.

“Please,” you gently ask for his attention, “it’s not a big deal, really, I’m fine about it, right ?” you were looking at him, but his eyes were avoiding yours. “Right” he mumbles.

“Hey, come here” you whisper softly, squeezing his shoulder gently and opening your arms, the edge of the blanket tucked in your hand, to show him that he could still have that hug if he wanted it.

He raises his gaze to look at you right in the eyes, then looks at your hands with a hesitant expression on his face, then back at you, like if he needed one more sign of approval to be sure to not make a mistake again. You gave him an encouraging smile to show him that everything was definitely safe and alright, before he finally wraps his arms around you again, burying his nose in the crook of your neck.

He was so close that you were able to feel the beating of his heart. It was fast at first due to his sudden rush of anxiety, but it was slowly calming down to go back to its normal pace. You knew he was struggling with physical touch and people being too close to him, so you couldn’t have ever imagined that he was so eager for contact and so touch starved under his need for personal space and keeping distances. You gently move your hand that wasn’t holding the blanket to his head, and started to softly run your fingers through his silver hair, sending a shiver down his spine. His breath was warm and steady against your skin, and even if the struggle was still present on his mind, you knew he was more at ease than before.

The embrace was peaceful, and you really were enjoying it. You stay here in silence, again, as you hold him tight, your chin settled on his shoulder, contemplating the moving water, and offering him as much time as he needed to calm down. A few minutes later, he lets out another sigh, before starting speak in a hushed voice.

“It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, it’s just that … I can’t. I can’t put words on those things to describe them, I can’t even say that out loud, my brain won’t allow me to do it. It feels like it’s too much, like if every time I want to talk about that, I suddenly forget how to talk. The words are stuck in my throat, like if they don’t want to get out … I feel restrained, like if I was having some sort of blockage … And …. I can’t even describe that feeling properly … It’s so frustrating, but I just can’t do it, not yet … They never taught us how to express our feelings on Kamino … We’re just … Not supposed to open up about all of this, we’re not meant for that, we’re just meant to follow orders without complaining, without showing how these things affect us, or it’s considered a defectiveness …”

His words were hard to swallow. He must have been suffering so much more that you could have imagine.

“It’s ok, I understand that” you whisper softly, “I know how hard it can be to put words on such hard-to-accept and frightening thoughts. I know it takes a lot of time to be able to clearly talk about these things and open up about it. But don’t worry, you have all the time you need to process and learn how to explain everything. Just know that you are safe now, even if it’s difficult to believe after everything you went through, but nobody is going to hurt you anymore, we will never let that happen again, I swear.”

You feel his grip around you tighten and his face press harder against your neck, just like if he was afraid that you could suddenly disappear.

“Thanks you” he simply breathes out.

His voice was filled with emotions, you knew that he really needed to let this out.

“Whatever you need.”

After a moment, he breaks the embrace, creating a space between you under the blanket. When you look at him, it seemed that his nervousness has returned.

“Can I … Can I ask you a favor ?”

“Of course, what is it ?” you curiously answer.

“I know it’s a lot, it’s probably awfully inappropriate, and I’ll understand if you tell me to get lost, but …” he hesitates before finishing his sentence, “can I share your bed tonight ?”

He was embarrassed to ask you and afraid of your rejection, like paralyzed, eyes riveted on the sand, waiting religiously for your answer.

You weren’t expecting that, and for a moment you thought that you had misheard his words, before quickly understanding that he was perfectly serious and sincere about it.

The last thing that you wanted was to make him feel bad or ashamed about it, or to give him the impression that you were hesitating. Honestly, you didn’t need to think about it, the answer was loud and clear in your mind.

“Of course, don’t worry. And nobody will know, if that’s what’s bothering you”

“Honestly … I don’t care about it, the only thing that matters to me right now is being with you.”

Your heart sank at his words. You were expecting him to do everything to prevent the other to know about all of it, or that everything that matters to him was to not be alone no matter with who it was, but he didn’t.

“Then I’m not going to let you down, ever.” You whisper, placing a gentle kiss on his forehead.

***

You stay on the beach for a little while after that, holding each other close and watching the see, before going back into the building. You made your way toward your room without a sound to not wake up anyone else, and when the door closed behind you, you both felt relieved. It was like if something long awaited but never asked for was finally happening. It was like a reunion you never knew you were both needing before.

The light of your bed lamp was warm, the room was small but cozy, like a protective cocoon. Now that he was sure that nobody could bother him anymore and that he was safe, he really started to lower his guard. You could feel it, and it warmed your heart to know that he was getting better.

You get into the bed first, placing yourself on a side as near of the wall as possible to give him more space. He crawls under the sheets without a word. You were so close to him that you could feel his heat without touching him.

“Are you ok ?” you ask, looking at him lying on his back.

His eyes left the ceiling to stare at you. He was hesitant, but after a while, he gets on his side, and you felt his hand gently settles on your back, pulling you toward him. The contact made you shiver, for his fingers were cold, and soon, his body meets yours, his warmth enfolding you. He huddles up against you, and buries his face in the crook of your neck again.

“Now I am.” he whispers against your skin.

You could tell he was smiling, and the beating of his heart was resonating steadily against your chest. Your cheeks were blushing, but you didn’t care anymore, for you were, too, feeling great right now.

“Perfect then” you whisper back, stretching your arm to reach the light switch. The room was plunged into darkness as you settle your hand on his back, pulling him even closer. Your other arm slides under his neck, allowing you hand to land on his head and your fingers to wander thoughts his hair just like before on the beach.

He lets out a sigh of relief, drowning into the comfort of your embrace, slowly allowing sleep to wash over his mind. It didn’t take you long to sink in either, and soon, you were asleep in each other’s arms, both secretly wishing that this shared night will not be the only one.

#cfb2023 #vi writing #the bad batch #tbb crosshair #crosshair #crosshair x reader #reader insert

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my-castles-crumbling · 9 months ago

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Hi guys! Got an anon ask with some triggers, so I'm copying it here so I can put a 'read more.'

TW: ED, SH

Here's the original ask:

hey Cas!

hru today? <3

I rlly don’t wanna bother u but I just need some advice bc I’m in a pretty tricky situation and I don’t know who I couldn’t turn to who wouldn’t then tell OTHER people (adults etc)

also a TW b4 anyone reads further: ED (not me but a a friend) and generally bad mental health (including sh and sui)

Basically I have this friend (one of my best friends) who’s struggled with really bad mental health and attempted in the past (we weren’t friends during this time but they’ve shared it with me) they have told me they no longer sh but I’m not entirely sure if I believe him on that but I guess there’s nothing to do except just take their word for it and they are definitely doing better than they were before (about a year or two ago)

thing is this friend does still have a (pretty bad I think) ED (specifically I think they have anorexia but I’m really not sure because I don’t know that much about EDs. I’ve tried to do some research but it’s actually incredibly hard to find any info about them especially in terms of ways to emotionally show support. In a medical sense they always seemed to be talked about like minor things(?) idk it’s hard to explain but often times I’ve been reading actual factual medical stuff and just been disgusted at the ways it’s discussed, like they try so hard to describe it from a technical viewpoint that they essentially the entire mental health aspect of it which kind of demeans the whole thing bc EDs ARE a mental health disorder)

sorry went on a little side rant there but basically I’ve tried to find stuff out but it’s really hard to learn about the mental health aspect and even harder to find stuff out about how to HELP someone through an ED

I’ve even resorted to looking thru some more unsavoury places for info (including anablr), I know these types of places encourage EDs and I am actually not a person who really loves their body very much but I do think I’m in a strong enough place emotionally to do this (and so far I’ve been correct, I’m unaffected) because I just wanted some actual insight on what it’s like

the problem with my friend is that she’s ALREADY in therapy. Her parents put her in it when they found out about her vaping habit but they just lie all the time (she tells me about it) because they have like serious trust issues due to past trauma and I’m gonna be honest, I 100% believe therapy is a good thing but sadly it is also entirely useless if the person doesn’t make any effort to get better

all I can do in that aspect of it is hope the therapy is going better than the jokes he makes about it or that eventually she will feel comfortable enough to share and process her issues

in terms of the ED what im really lost with is how to help

and don’t get me wrong, I know you can’t really help a person who doesn’t want to be helped but honestly I’m not giving up on this person I care about that easily. I will NOT be another person in their life who abandons them for being ‘too much’ or ‘too difficult’. I’ve already accepted the fact that I will not be able to help them out of it really (as best as I can at least)

I’ve already taken to carrying gum and mints in my school bag as much as I can (usually I’ll have a pack of both and I just share them with everyone so this person doesn’t actually catch wind that they’re the reason I do as quite often when they skip lunch they do help themselves to a few of my mints or gum pieces but ik if they knew it was for them they’d stop bc she’s just like that)

I just don’t know how else to help emotionally though, I’m one of the only people (I might be the ONLY person at all) that they feel comfortable enough to talk to about these issues and I just think its better that they’re telling someone who cares about them and is trying to help than telling no one at all which seems to be the alternative. The issue is I don’t know how to respond or show support especially because (thank u trust issues and trauma (/s) the window of vulnerability is SMALL (I’m talking a couple of seconds literally) before they’re joking and changing the subject

Also a small (but frankly compared to the rest of this, not very important) detail is that like I previously mentioned I am also not suuuper happy with my body ( I don’t sh really or have an ED in any way shape or form) and sometimes the stuff he says slightly upsets me (just like once I told him about how my mean grandma told me I was fat and had to eat less and he said his grandma forces him to eat more and that my grandma ‘sounds like her wet dream’ - I know this was just a joke obviously but I didn’t rlly love it considering my grandma is a pretty big source of my looks based insecurities)

like I said in no way is it on the same level and obviously I know it’s not coming from a place of malice because this friend also really looks out for my mental health like way more than my other friends tbh (I don’t know if it’s bc they struggled with it or whether they’re the only one who seems to notice I’m the therapist friend haha but they are the FIRST person to ask if anything’s wrong if I’m acting different and I rlly want to stress that because I know that from what I’ve said so far they may have come across as selfish or something but they are actually one of the kindest people ever) that’s especially why I’m worried if I bring anything up about wanting to help with little things or especially anything about not being a fan of little jokes that she’ll just stop talking about it at all in an attempt to make me feel more comfortable)

for context for all of this, I’m 15 (we both are) so still in school and they’re parents absolutely SUCK (in the most non violent way possible I would like to kill them [not actually but I do really hate them and wish them only the worst]) so there’s no emotional support coming from home for him

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this in real life because (for privacy reasons) they’ve asked me not to share it with like my other friends and I don’t have the greatest relationship with my parents (they’re not like abusive or neglectful or anything but we just have a lot of differences and just I’ve very much emotionally distanced myself from them)

sorry if this is too much because I do know it’s a really tricky situation and even though all of us sort of deify you, you’re still only one person and if this does make you uncomfortable or upset (not just if it’s triggering I mean just in general if you’re reading this and you don’t feel comfortable) in anyway please don’t force yourself to answer or feel guilty if you don’t because the last thing I’d want to do is put you in that kind of position

Im not sure if ill send in more anons but if I do then ill refer to myself (and you can call me) lacy anon so you know who I am (yes after the song bc i rlly love it haha)

Anyway sending lots and lots of love from the person who does basically look up to you as their adult role model and who I wanna be like when I’m older <3

Hi love! You're not bothering me at all!

So, first, I want to let you know that I am an adult, but when I say this, I hope you don't take it as...condescending, I guess? Because I don't mean it that way at all. I want to be realistic in the fact that these things you are dealing with are VERY grown-up and scary, and you are handling them in a remarkably mature way, but you are still legally fifteen.

This is way too much for a fifteen year old to take on.

You genuinely seem like the most amazing person. The fact that you have done research and carry around things for your friends, all to help them with their ED is frankly restoring my faith in humanity a bit. But I worry that you are placing WAY too much of the responsibility on yourself. I don't mean to be bleak or too blunt, but if god forbid anything ever happened, I would hate for you to blame yourself, and it sounds like you would. Your job is to be this person's friend. Not their therapist or caretaker.

So, here's my advice: I absolutely agree that you should not give up on them! But make sure you have boundaries. It broke my heart to read that you were going to places like anablr just to help- that's not healthy for you! As a friend, especially at your age, your most important job is to make sure your friend doesn't feel alone. And you're doing an amazing job, in my opinion. They seem to be willing to talk to you, and that's a big deal. But, in the best way, you are fifteen, and you don't have to have all the answers! Sometimes, the best way to support someone is to remind them that they are loved and they have someone in their corner. BUT remember that being there for someone doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself or your mental health. Say something if a joke makes you uncomfortable. "I love you so much, but that joke makes me feel uncomfortable. Can you maybe not joke like that?" It's okay and healthy to set those boundaries.

Please remember, you are not responsible for this person. You can love them and be there for them and care deeply, but you are responsible for you and your own health. Don't forget you.

My last very gentle suggestion is this: If you ever get to the point that you are so genuinely worried about this friend that you think it is a life-or-death situation, please don't take that on by yourself. I know it is scary, and I know that telling adults mean that there can be ramifications, but remember that if you are genuinely scared, then an adult needs to be there to keep everyone safe. Very bluntly: Trust can be rebuilt but you can't bring people back from some other very permanent decisions.

Again, you are a wonderful person, and a fantastic friend. But remember to take yourself into account and stay safe in all ways. I know this is probably not the advice you want to hear, but I hope maybe you'll consider it.

Sending so much love! <3 <3 <3

#ask #asks #ask cas #tw: sh #tw: ed

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ghostisventing · 1 year ago

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Ways I cope with trauma as someone who is not ready /unable to open up about it to a professional

-art. Making vent art. Or edits aka “traumacore” stuff. It feels like im not keeping it to myself which is a relief. But it brings emotions to the surface which can be triggering.

-music that reminds me of the trauma. It doesn’t have to be about the trauma specifically. Songs that remind me of my old mindset. Songs that remind me of the dynamics I had with my abusers. Songs that remind me that they will get karma one day. It’s comforting and helps me release anger.

-writing. This is the most recent tool I’ve been using. I’ve written about my trauma before but this method is using creative writing. It is not uncommon for people to project onto OCs, which is what I do. Writing out their mindsets helps me process how my trauma affected my mental health. I didn’t intentionally do this as a coping skill; I just wanted to write. But writing down my OCs thought processes has helped me.

-talking to other trauma survivors. I do this rarely but it helps to vent on subreddits like r/CPTSD. This account is also helpful, and I find that giving advice to others makes me feel better.

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pynkhues · 1 year ago

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Thanks so much for all your meta posts! I’m a little late to the succession party so apologies if you’ve already answered this but having just finished the show, I’d love to hear your thoughts on how you understand the, for lack of better term, uniquely unsettling nature of the relationship between Kendall and Logan.

To preface, all four kids have unique and interesting relationships with and to Logan and I’m in no way trying to minimize any of the characters trauma. Just, there’s just something about Kendall being told at seven years old that he would inherit it all while at an innocuous small-town ice cream parlor that is upsetting? Almost sinister? I can’t help but think of the season 1 finale and the hug, the closeness that is somehow a combination of comfort, relief, foreboding, control, and possessiveness all wrapped into one gesture. I can’t put my finger on it but there’s just a disquieting undercurrent to some of Logan and Kendall’s interactions.

I’ve been trying to define why I feel that way watching so many of their scenes and I’m having a hard time pinpointing it. Do you have any thoughts? I’ve seen some fans make comparisons to emotion incest or enmeshment (which I think would apply to all the kids to greater or lesser extents) and predatory childhood grooming (which I think has some similarities considering Kendall was “groomed” to take over Waystar but I don’t think a more literal interpretation is really supported by the text) but none of it feels like a perfect fit. Would be super interested to get your take.

You’re very welcome, anon, and I’m so sorry it’s taken so long for me to reply to this! It’s been! A big few weeks in an already very big year, haha (my sister has been in family court for the last nine months, and I'm her +1 / support person, and let me tell you, I now know a lot about the legal system I wish I'd never had to). Your question’s a really interesting one though, and one I’ve thought about a lot, because I agree – I think there is something uniquely unsettling in Kendall and Logan’s relationship, and it is something that’s hard to pinpoint.

After all, like you said, all the kids have unique relationships with Logan, but in many ways, there’s more crossover between their abuse than there isn’t. There’s physical violence, emotional incest and family enmeshment at the core of the Roy family dynamic, and Logan’s capacity to weaponise familial bonds in order to keep them all close to him and fighting with each other is pretty much one of the tenets of the show. Logan might’ve thought of himself as a sun they orbited around, but the reality is he’d never give them that much rope – they were always doomed to be burning their feet on the surface of him.

I also agree with you that grooming’s not necessarily the right term for what’s happening in the family dynamic, because I don’t actually think Logan’s a groomer? I get why people think he is, and he’s absolutely abusive, don’t get me wrong, but grooming implies a serious degree of intent and the formation of a relationship with the purpose of manipulation and abuse, and I just - - don’t think Logan’s brain operates that way? I think he’s much, much more of an enmeshed parent than he is a groomer, because I think Logan loves all of his children in the fullest way that he’s able. He himself was a deeply traumatised child who grew into a horrible and abusive yet still deeply traumatised man, and to position him as only developing these relationships with his children for the purposes of manipulating them is just something I don’t see.

In many ways, it makes it worse, right? Because every decision he makes isn’t one with an end goal for the kids, it’s ongoing and his moments of genuine warmth are only matched by the moments he leaves them in the harshest of colds. Like he promised Shiv Waystar not because he was grooming her but because for a minute, he genuinely wanted her to have it, which makes it a lot harder for Shiv to process than if he was always stringing her along.

This idea of promising a company of that scale to a seven-year-old boy, to me at least, doesn’t just read as unsettling, but as deeply tragic, because to make that sort of promise to a child that young isn’t about Logan’s relationship with Kendall at all, it’s about Logan’s relationship with himself and his past.

Think of it this way – we know that Logan and Caroline didn’t divorce until Shiv was (at least) 11, which means he was making that promise long before they split up, and in the late 80s, probably not long after Waystar had had that expansion into Parks and Cruises.

I think what makes it insidious is not the promise in itself, but the fact that Logan has no concept of the fact that Kendall would and does shape his entire life and identity around the offer. To Logan, it’s probably an earnest thought offered on a sunny afternoon, but it's nakedly borne out of a deep internalised trauma over losing a father he’d never know and inheriting a business from an uncle who’d leave him scars that would last 70 years.

To give it to Kendall is to let him wear that trauma - a trauma he doesn't understand - like a cloak and tell him its a gift.

I'm separating this because I think I'm less confident with it overall as a theory, but I think there is another buried layer here too that Logan potentially saw something in Kendall that was inherently mmm, I don’t know what the word here is actually – vulnerable, I guess? But that’s not necessarily what I mean. My point is more that Logan’s a man who had, at the point of having at least the Golden Trio, all the resources in the world, and while arguably Shiv, Roman, and (to a lesser extent) Connor’s various issues and neuroses can be put down fairly cleanly to Logan’s abuse and neglect, I don’t necessarily think that Kendall’s can.

The show never diagnoses anyone, but I feel it’s pretty implicit on the show that Kendall’s bipolar, which feeds into his addiction issues (people with bipolar are up to 59% more likely than people without bipolar of being diagnosed with substance abuse disorders) and it’s outright stated in the pilot that Logan saw rehab as the ‘nut house’, and that he pulled Kendall out of it after just a day in 2.01, of which the latter is canonical medical negligence. How much medical negligence played into Kendall’s childhood, and how much Logan’s personal history between his sister’s death and his first wife’s nervous breakdown, informed perhaps a need to have a ‘healthy son’ is anyone’s guess, of course, but I think personally that it’s probably a significant factor.

Add to that that Logan does seem particularly protective of Kendall, and that Kendall’s the only one who seems to fully understand Logan’s medications and health (even though Connor’s the one to understand the funeral plans), I think is telling. That maybe there was a genuine (albeit extremely toxic and power imbalanced) shared intimacy around health between them that opened up a space for vulnerability and affection that Logan never understood the weight of, and that Kendall could never let go of.

This is getting into tldr territory now, haha, but yes! I guess I’d say that I agree with you, and I think what makes the relationship between Logan and Kendall particularly biting is Logan’s simultaneous dependence and thoughtlessness. He leans heavy and hard, but loathes the signs of splintering, and I think he feels he does Kendall a kindness by pretending not to see it a lot of the time. Pair that with Logan having not dealt with his own abuse and instead projecting all the ways he’s Not Noah onto his child, I think it’s overall just a mess of a traumatised person not recognising their own trauma and dropping the weight and expectations of all of that onto their seven year old son at an ice cream parlour and never growing enough to know what they did is fucked.

#i've said it on here before but i think there's a very significant tendency on here to see logan just as the abuser #and not as a part of the cycle of abuse #his undealt with trauma is really the foundation for everything that came after it #and i think the way the show depicts logan as specifically not able to look directly at the past is just - -#SO interesting #but yes logan and kendall's relationship is just really really fascinating #kendall roy #logan roy #kendall + logan #hbo succession #succession meta #welcome to my ama

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