#tw; Mental Illness

[shiroi---kumo]

We're gunna talk about Mental Health right now and I'm going to get a little vulnerable but if helps someone, so be it. It's beneath a cut for screenshots of an app on my phone - so it doesn't get huge.

I know quite a few people on the dash who share in my life of living with either Bipolar 1 or 2. For context, I personally am Bipolar 2 - Rapid Cycling. This means I flip / bounce at least once a month. Sometimes more.

So to help my psych when they ask me how I've been doing I track my mood with an app called Daylio.

I'm not saying this is a be all end all. I'm saying this is what I do to help me and if it helps someone else, cool - then please let me give you the information you otherwise might not have had.

I struggle to remember things when I'm heavily stressed (like I am right now) so when I get asked how things have been having only the ability to see my psychiatrist once a month (I see psychology every other week but she doesn't control my medication.)

It's easier for me to show my psych a literal chart of my moods than it is to try to force myself to try to struggle to remember.

Dayilo looks like this:

and it can even show you up to three months at a time

logging a day looks like this

I also have apps for seizures, and my migraines but we're talking about this one right now. I only use the notes section for med changes / my monthly migraine shot / dr appts / significant things - but you can write as much as you want it and you can insert pictures if you'd like.

It'll give you a month summary when the month is up and it'll give you a full year summary when the year is over. I have it programmed to go off at 8 pm every day to remind me to log the day and I have consistently every day since 2018, so that's why the count is so high. It's changed the way I handle my moods and it also has shown me when I tend to drop in the month and helped me find a pattern in the mess that is my brain processing chemicals.

So if this helps you, please give it a try. The worse you can do is try it, not like it, and then delete it.

I have many things I live with beyond Bipolar 2 and I have spent many years scared that such things would run people away from me. I have high extreme lows and extreme highs. My highs can be manic bounciness or manic aggression and I tend to isolate when I know I'm aggression. I have hit psychosis in both mania and depression. I fight suicidal ideation. I have had to find people and things and hyperfixations to keep myself alive. I fight. Every day.

I'm not asking for your pity, nor do I want it. I'm just saying this so if someone else feels a little less alone out there, to know someone else is fighting too. I'm just saying this so if it can help, you have the information that might help you. I'm just saying this because I'm not ashamed of my fight. I struggle and I want to be open about that.

It's okay if you struggle too.

[deathxcko]

hi friends!! below the cut i just have a teeny little update, regarding my mental health, in more detail, but.

tl;dr - basically, i'll be gone for at least the rest of the week, and not responding to anyone even in my rp servers/dms on discord until i'm in a better place mentally. if you have my real life number you're welcome to text me, and if you have my discord you're welcome to message me (i probably will not reply until back!! apologies).

little update: my mental health has been in the trash, and despite my therapist insisting upon 3 appointments in one week to make sure i'm physically alright... i think it would be best if i just take a little break here!!

i'm gonna work on replies in my free time and just draft them out for whenever I return, but. you know. depression is a beast and the last thing i want to do is bum out my friends because i'm crying, in bed, and unable to take care of myself LOL.

i have a lot of really high emotional needs right now, and with very little support outside of my therapist, so we out here in the trenches, i think!!! i'll see you all on the other side. please take care of yourselves in the meantime. <3

[terrence-silver]

I feel that if the world's crossed over hannibal would be terrys therapist 🤔

Oh, interesting.

No, but I frequently think about Terry Silver's therapist.

And I figure they must've been just as clever as he was.

Just as interesting, polarizing of an individual.

Yes, someone like Hannibal Lecter. A Hannibal Lecter type.

Someone, optionally, who might've either seen combat themselves, was a military attache, an allotted camp psychiatrist now in retirement or genuinely served at one point in time if Terry was ever to talk about the events in Vietnam and just the general nuances of what martial arts --- fighting itself as an ideal --- means to him, seeing as how there's the simple notion that nobody but someone who was an actual soldier themselves would acutely understand or relate what he's been through unless they've been through it themselves and felt it on their own skin --- pride demands it --- and I figure Terry would find it beneath him to speak of his war trauma to an individual who has never seen blood.

Never got some blood on themselves.

How can they talk the talk if they didn't walk the walk?

So, some ex-UN official with the licence to practice and someone who's witnessed warfare on several fronts could easily trump out a glitzy LA doctor visited by washed-up Beverly Hills Rockstars and the rich and famous of Hollywood in and out of rehab in Terry's book, because he's more then just some bigshot getting clean from coke.

He's one of those patients one can write a medical dissertation about.

And still be no closer to the conclusion.

Undoubtedly, there have been many vetted, carefully handpicked professionals Terry visited and called upon. More than can be precisely accounted for. Doubt there was just one over the decades, because a therapist that works for some patients might not work for others and Terry would've been a peculiar specimen compatible with extremely few, with peculiar needs, a peculiar psyche, a peculiar past and peculiar way he was damaged in that couldn't be treated by someone lacking significant experience, so he even he must've realized that he couldn't and shouldn't hand himself over to just about anyone, regardless of credentials, diplomas, the price-range and the therapist's own achievements. It was simply a manner of good taste for a man who's otherwise a perfectionist in every regard to be a perfectionist in this field too, especially where the curious case of getting himself in gear was concerned. This doctor of the mind, well, they were for sure made entirely exclusive during their tenure of having sessions with Mr. Silver, meaning that I don't see them treating anyone else in whatever high-end, elite facility these meetings took place in (or more likely, within the confines of Terry's own mansions, because people come to him --- he doesn't come to people. Heaven and Earth all revolve around him. He'll send his own chauffeur to pick up the person meeting for him too, because that's just how he conducts things. Do they want to be flown in on a private jet?), seeing as how Terry made himself that special and wouldn't bear sharing his therapist with anyone at any point in time, territorial and possessive even now. He's top dog. Top priority, even when being rehabilitated and re-oiled to continue running smoothly --- more than ever then. He had the money to back up such eccentric demands, surely. Back them up he did.

This would've been...the umpteenth therapist in Terry's huge line-up.

Was a long and meticolous search for the perfect person.

Why?

Because, I'm convinced Terry would've tested each and every one of his shrinks, as he no doubt called them, because they didn't earn the respect to be called anything else. You earn your belts and they didn't do so with theirs, so tested they must be. Would be an insult to his intelligence and status if he didn't. He'd be an unreliable narrator. Tell them lies intentionally to see if they'd catch him doing it, putting up facades and inventing personas. He'd manipulate them. Tell them what they want to hear and great many things they don't want to hear. Tug at their heartstrings tactically and play devil's advocate. Flatter them by wining and dining them at his own expense to see if they're susceptible to bribery and easily distracted by the material. He'd play at verbal evasion. Tell them made up events and then change said events at will. Terry would act the saint and flawless gentleman-entrepreneur to check if they'd fall for it. At times, he'd deliberately go for the shock factor and share obscenities from his life to see their reactions and take pleasure in their professional facade dropping. He'd serve fabrications, half truths and truths tucked somewhere in the middle of all of that as an elaborate puzzle for his therapists to solve just to check if they can. If they have what it takes to even begin contemplating dealing with him. That's not to say people in therapy are duplicitous --- but Terry Silver certainly was and I think he'd be a notoriously clever, tricky, unpredictable, volatile, dangerous and difficult patient who, for the longest time wouldn't let his therapists get even close to the root of his problems, because that would mean giving someone a vestige of control, and exposing an inherently vulnerable and complex part of himself and that is a privilege to be explicitly wrestled out from his grasp, because he doesn't give it willingly and for free. Nothing's for free.

Do they want to see what's inside of him?

Then they should fight for it in elaborate mental combat.

And once they do, once Terry is sufficiently impressed with their wit, their worthiness, their innate understanding of the human inner workings --- they belong to him because he slowly sucks them in, never allowing himself to be controlled too much, doing instead, the bulk of all the control --- their time is his for as long as he requests it and feels he needs it, calling and dismissing at will. Their life is on stand-by. Their schedule cleared, attached to Terry's barrage of staff and the immaculate balance of his life's own order. Everything on halt, for years, if need be. No quarter. The money he pays is unimaginable, but my goodness, at what cost?

[tofumarinado]

it's so funny to me when i see pearl-clutching articles about how "teenagers are diagnosing themselves with mental disorders via tiktok" because like. this is not happening in a vacuum. teenagers are severely and i mean severely medically neglected. i cannot stress this enough. teenagers do not have free access to medical care. those same news outlets would be clowning on women with housewife psychosis in the 1950's.

i sometimes go pale when listening to some of what my friends have gone through in their childhoods and teenagehoods. they talk about it so nonchalantly, things that would be considered straight up torture if done to an adult, can't fathom the effect this has on children. they are on multiple anti-psychotics and several antidepressants and anxiety meds now that they are adults. medical neglect has legally and effectively disabled them. a timely diagnosis and intervention could have saved them. of course teenagers are self-diagnosing using tiktok. if your knee-jerk reaction is to scoff at the idea and dismiss it as dumb teenager shit instead of being radicalized because the best shot young people have at attaining the mental health support they need is a fucking dancing videos app, you're categorically a political enemy of the youth.

[emotionaleating]

when someone doesn’t wanna tell me what i did wrong and suddenly i’m 8 years old wondering what i did to make my mom mad again

[bloomdoom1]

[schizopositivity]

Things I'd love for the Internet to leave in 2023:

• misusing the word "delusional" or saying "delulu"

• public freakout videos that are just someone displaying psychotic symptoms

• "I'm in your walls" and other paranoia triggering "jokes"

• schizoposting

• misusing the word "psychotic"

• baiting and triggering people online who are openly psychotic or displaying psychotic symptoms

• excluding schizo-spec and psychotic people from any neurodiversity/mental illness awareness

Let's just all try to be better to schizo-spec and psychotic people. And hold others accountable as well.

[a-hospital--for-souls]

"It's all in your head." - Thank you Janette, that's why it's called mental illness. It cannot be in my ass.

[incorrectbatfam]

[commonzinnia]

death isnt enough. i need to never have existed

[de8dly]

they should invent a form of self harm where no one notices or gives a fuck

[shiroi---kumo]

Royal Knights of His Majesty || Accepting

Send    ‘ you’ll have to get through me first… ‘    for my muse’s reaction to yours stepping in and defending them from someone they’re scared of

@flameleads is growling:

"You’ll have to get through me first." [ because Roy said so ]

There had been a small bit of a squabble when the Amestrian Colonel came to learn what he had been doing all this time. It wasn't that the Misterican had been keeping the nature of his activities from the man out of ill will but more because he did not want to cause the man anymore turmoil that he had already been feeling and he also did not want to bring anyone else with him because of his airborne nature.

It was just simpler to search from the skies when he did not have to worry about what was happening on the ground, at the same time. Black Wind would have been the only suitable searching companion, but this wasn't adding to their on going search for Chaos so - so that wouldn't have been a productive conversation either. 

So now he finds himself walking through the first town they've seen for at least a day. Cid had been gracious enough to give him more time on that blasted timer since this time he was out with company but there had been a long talk between the Misterican and the Mechanic about staying aware of his surroundings, keeping his head down, if he feels unsafe for any reason they are to return immediately without hesitation. 

There had been a groan and a sigh from the prince in question to ultimately he had agreed to the commands. Eversti was adverse to flight, so that meant they were stuck on foot with only the supplies the swordsman's travel bag could carry. He didn't know how long they would be out this time but he can't imagine that Eversti would want to return before he found some kind of information on his children. 

This village was much like others he's visited in this patchwork world. Nondescript buildings surrounded by nondescript people. A girl of blue hair, and young but still an adult looking in age made eye contact with him when they entered so he only looked to offer her a smile even with hidden lips. 

Her head was snapping away as quickly as it could until his voice chimes.

"Excuse me, Miss? Can you help me for a moment?"

And pink eyes only widen as her face pales and the woman finds herself practically frozen in place. 

"L-L-Lord M-M-Makenshi." Her voice shakes in the same way a leaf would when the wind rustles through the trees. "What an honor it is for you to grace us with a visit today." 

His face grimaces when she speaks as his shoulders raise in his tension only to fall again in defeat seconds later. His hands raise up, flat as if to stop her trembling without touching her.

"This is entirely unnecessary.  I just need a bit of your help, if you would be so kind."

"Ah - I - Of course My Lord, whatever you desire." 

"You really don't need - It's fine. I just need to know if you've seen any children recently that don't belong to the town. Humans. One would have yellow looking hair and dresses in red. The other tall and in a suit of armor.  Have you seen anyone matching these descriptions?"

Her head shakes quickly as her arms stay folded with her hands close to her chest.  The fear in her eyes made plain as she looks at him.

"N-n-no My Lord. No one. No one has come through the village for several days, but I can't claim to pay proper attention to all who cross these parts. Fo-forgive me for not being more useful."

He's sighing again as she sounds and waving a hand in the air as if to dismiss whatever wrong doings she thinks she's committed.

"That's quite alright. Thank you for your time. "

He can hear the man behind him groaning and as he turns to face his companion there are words he doesn't know if he's quite ready to deal with at the present moment.

"When we met, you told me to call you Makenshi. Not Lord Makenshi. Why do these people call you that?" The Amestrian inquires.  "What's more... they're terrified of you."

There is no motion to turn around and face the man. There's no motion to stop as he simply starts walking again instead of answering his question.

"That's not... important. We need to focus on finding any information we can about your sons before Cid's blasted alarm goes off and checks in on us."

He's still not stopping, and the only other motion the Misterican makes is to lift his left wrist where the mechanic's invention lives and he shakes it as if to draw attention to it instead of him.

The dark haired man's eyes are narrowing on his companion as he speaks again. 

"I'd say that's pretty important. People don't tend to want to help someone they're afraid of. That, or they'll be too busy panicking to remember anything. So, what's the story?"

But the Misterican fails to turn once again and continues to keep walking. They don't have time for this right now. Cid might have given him more time this round but the blond was still checking in on him regularly to make sure progress was being made or seeing if they could do anything on their own end should useful information come about, so the words 

"I will explain it all later. We need to focus on the task at hand." 

are all that leave the Light's Unlimited, causing him only to stop in his tracks when he can hear the man's body practically shift and become ready to fight back.  Misterica's heir does the only thing he can think to in that moment and that is to turn on his heel and he swings his arm snapping his right hand clearly in front of the younger man's vision as if to pull his attention straight to him. 

His voice raises and he yells "Focus. Do you want to find your sons or not?"

But obsidian eyes are burning. Burning like Brother's fire and he can feel their heat rolling in his direction. He can't say he much cares for it either. 

"I am focusing on the task at hand. We won't get anything out of these people if they're afraid. I know that for a fact."

There are eyes on them now and he can feel the village's gaze fix on his person from his back to his front. They're making a scene and now this village is fixated on the ghastly intruder that has crossed into their sacred land. 

"Well I can't change that, so just keep moving." The annoyance is growing in a tone that is normally so very gentle as jade eyes narrow down and his nose wrinkles from behind his mask. 

"He's angry."   

                   "Oh no. That poor man."  

                                                                               "That's Lord Makenshi isn't it?" 

                "It sure is. That poor fool's spoke his last line." 

"No one escapes the devil's wrath."

                                                  "Children go inside. You don't need to see this." 

    "Only an idiot would raise their voice to  one of the Lords of Gaudium." 

                               "Especially of all of them - him." 

It's then that the Amestrian's eyes burn hotter than ever before as he bellows

 "You think I don't want to find them? Do you know how agonizing it is to not know if they're alive or not? I told you already that I lost my son once. I've been nothing but forthright with you. Can you say the same?"

The town fills with the sounds of small gasps and doors closing. There are as many people fleeing the streets as there are now staring at the man in white waiting to know what he'll do next. What will Lord Makenshi  -  

"I have told you what was relevant to finding your children and getting you and your people home. That's what matters here. Returning you to your Amestris! So stay focused!!" 

The masked man's voice echoes as he meets the Amestrian's passion in kind and doors slam all around them. 

"This is the end."

 "Surely Lord Makenshi is going to kill that man." 

"Get the children off the streets. They don't need to see what is about to happen!" 

  "That boy. He dresses in white."

 "That devil no doubt." 

                                         "Are you a fool? that's Lord Makenshi"

 "Lord Makenshi?! Why would he be here?!" 

                               "You know if he shows in your town then everyone is doomed." 

"We've done nothing to anger Gaudium why would he be here." 

                                                                    "Lord Makenshi truly is the white devil." 

                                        "We're all going to die."

               "Keep your voice down, they say he has the ears of a demon." 

       "Because he is one." 

                   "Oh how have we been scorned by God to deserve this."

                                                       "We're all going to die because of that human!" 

And that was when the volcano erupted.  Everst's voice ringing loud to encompass the space around them. 

"I am. No one's going to talk to us if they're afraid." He gestures to the closed doors. "I can't be much help if I don't have more information." He's pinching the bridge of his nose. "Please, just give me something to work with so we can at least get through this town." He pauses only to glare further. 

"Or, am I really going to die because I pissed you off?"

He's been listening. Eversti has been listening to the space around them and he can hear doors slamming and a mixture of footsteps scattering and marching. He can hear so much going on at once that he can't answer.  He can't answer as his hands raise to cover his ears as he feels his body shake from the fool of emotions that are rushing his system faster than he has a chance to process -  

Marching.  It's a little further off on the edge of town.  He can hear marching.  The organized sound of boots against the dirt. 

                                         "Search the town. Leave no stone unturned." 

               "If we can bring our God, Lord Makenshi then surely he'll reward us." 

"I don't care if you have to burn it to the ground - no one leaves this town until we find him." 

                                                "Spread out." 

His breathing is picking up by the second as his mind fills with static. It's happening. He's caught. He's caught if he stays here too long and he can't fight inside the town. He can't give these people more of a reason to hate him then they already do. He's panicking as his head darts up and his hands fall away from his ears. 

He's looking in one direction and then the opposite as if to check to see if he can spot any of the opposing threat. His incoming captors if he's not careful.  They won't - they can't harm the town if he's not in it.

"They're here." He states frantically,  looking at the Amestrian with a wild look in his eyes. "They found me."   

The man in white looks as if he could be spooked by his own shadow before he turns away from his companion and runs.   

"We've never met."   echoes back from his trail as he forces himself into what is left of the crowd in the streets, only to weave in and out of buildings and back alleys until he can find himself coming to forest on the outskirts of town. 

There's no time to look back. He'll find Eversti again once he knows the coast is clear but he cannot let Gaudium take them both.  He cannot let Gaudium harm Eversti or the town.  So his left hand is flying up to his left ear, thumb pushing against the button along the bottom while he sounds out trembling. 

"Cid? Cid?  Cid can you hear me? Cid are you there? Cid answer me! Cid answer me! It's - It's Gaudium.  Cid answer me! It's Gaudium and they're on my trail. Cid! Cid I need Black Wind! Cid you have to tell Black Wind! Please Cid! Cid Answer me!"

'Why would anyone answer you, Little Cloud? You think they're your friends? I told you once and I'll tell you again. The people of this world don't care for you. They never have and they never will. That dog can't save you either. Why do you beg for someone who cares nothing for you?'

He can't be hearing this right now. He doesn't have the time. He needs to get away from the town. He needs to get away from the town so should they find him, they can't make the people of that village page for his disobedience.

Just like so many had in the past.

So many forced to pay his debts.

So his mask is flooding back as he lets his steps slow. His heart is doing no such thing, but his feet come to halt nonetheless. He needs to focus. He needs a way to run. He needs a way to get away unseen, so he needs to act like the Misterican he is and make himself some form of cover.

Quivering lips are parting as he lets himself exhale. One long and deep exhale to allow a rolling cloud of thick white to leave him. It floods through the trees, covering the ground to swallow all in it's path. This should buy him some kind of time. This should - give him some kind of advantage. At least this way they wouldn't be able to see and even if they could - it wouldn't be as well as he could. Not with his Mist in play.

No, his ears were far too sensitive for that.

He just needs to hide long enough until his soul's breath takes effect and puts them all to sleep. He just needs to wait for -

"This isn't going to work."

"If you think you can wait us out in your little cloud, you're wrong."

"We just want to talk, My Lord."

"His Excellency would just like you to return to him."

"If you can do that, this won't need to get ugly."

"There's no need to go to such extremes, Lord Makenshi."

' Little Cloud. Little Cloud, don't ignore me. You know if you don't come home soon, then more of Wonderland will die. You can hear it too, can't you? Our beautiful song? You know they all die for you. Just for you, My Precious Little Cloud.'

The voices of his pursuers are mixing with that monster's within his mind. If they get their hands on him they'll take him back to Anarchy. They will take him to that beast and - if that monster gets his hands on him again then - then - then - Oh he can feel himself growing sick while the images of Black Wind's corpse fill his mind.

He has to hold his hands over his mouth to stop himself from making any form of noise. Back pressed against a tree trunk, he feels like his heart is beating with the ferocity of a thousand war drums. He can just kill them. He could just slaughter them all but if he does then what will that say to the people of this town and what will it say to Eversti?

Killing them all would be so easy and he can feel that beast wrapping around him from the corridors of his mind and urging him to do so. It has become such a thoughtless motion in recent years. It wouldn't cost him more than a couple of minutes to strip these men of their entrails but doing that would - doing that wouldn't be right.

He isn't supposed to kill unless he doesn't have any other choice. Lady Tiamat would be ashamed that he even considered doing so... but ...

Finally does he find enough composer in himself to pull his hands away from his face and swing around to look for the men hunting him. He can hear them for the most part. He can hear leaves crunching under thick boots and as he squints through the Mist that's when he catches sight of one of them enough to notice the state of his mask - a - he's wearing a mask.

He's wearing a damnable face mask! They came prepared for this! They came prepared to take him in at any cost.

"We'll make you a deal, My Lord. Come with us and we won't take it out on the town."

"Refuse us and the town burns to the ground. "

"The White Devil takes another town tonight or you come with us and no one gets hurt."

"But what do you care about a few hundred lives?"

"You've slaughtered thousands in the name of His Excellency, haven't you?"

"So come out here and we won't hurt you or the town."

"We know you've sided with the Black Wind."

"His Excellency is most disappointed."

"It's time to return home, Lord Makenshi."

They're right. They're right and he knows it. They're right and he knows he can't run anymore. If he just gives himself up and goes back to that beast.

If he goes back to that beast then he's going to die.

How many times?

It's better if he's the one that dies than the town -

It's better if he's the one that dies than if Eversti were the one to get -

There's a sigh of defeat and he can already hear Black Wind cursing him in his mind. He can hear the Windarian cussing rolling off his Other's lips as he allows his body to float out from the position he was hiding in, hands raised to either side of his head.

He got away once, he can do it again. He got away ....with Black Wind's help. He'll be furious but he'll come for him. He just has to believe that Black Wind will come for him again. For the sake of that village, he can't risk doing anything foolish and -

"That's right. We only want to talk, My Lord. It's time to go back to His Excellency."

A man appears behind him, grabbing his wrists and pulling them down behind his back.

"On the ground." He demands and the Misterican obeys allowing his feet to sink to the ground. He can feel his captor working to tie his wrists behind his back and it takes everything in him to resist the urge to shake the man off of him. It takes everything in not to flip the man to the ground then and there only to summon the Maken to his aid.

He doesn't need his hands to defend himself and they will learn this in the grimmest way possible if they cross him and harm the town outright. There's nothing else to do here and he just has to trust that Black Wind will come -

"You’ll have to get through me first."

A voice roars through the forest, echoing all around him like a grand dragon declaring war upon on all that stand in it's path. There are those same burning obsidian orbs glaring darts in his direction, but this time they aren't looking at him.

This time he could have sworn the Amestrian was trying to burn the man behind him to ASH.

[todostoast]

every year i reach new lows and wish i killed myself earlier

[eccedentesiast-skies]

You’ve grown into someone who would have protected you as a child. And that is the most powerful move you made.

[wowlookwhosspirallingagain]

i don’t want to live like this. i only exist at this point. all i do is distract my mind so i don’t kill myself

[emotionaleating]

pls don’t flirt with me i want to be nonchalant so bad but i unfortunately crave connection so intensely that i will give you my entire soul and forgive you over and over until i’ve lost myself completely and feel like i’m drowning