#incorrect dc quotes

[batfamgalore]

I like to imagine Dick just drops information about his life like how Alexis does in Schitt’s Creek, and the batfam is just like whaaaa, but he cuts them off before they can ask more questions.

*They just rescued Dick who has been held hostage for months*

Dick: So, this is weird. Today kinda marks the longest kidnapping I’ve had.

Tim: Kinda.

Dick: Yeah. The actual longest kidnapping I’ve been involved in was a three month kidnapping. But for the last two months of that I was debating becoming his apprentice to save my friends. Anyway-

*Bruce is forcing everyone to play two truths and a lie because he read that it was a good bonding opportunity*

Dick: My eyes are green. My suit is blue and black. And one time, I was stuck in the desert for a week with a random baby and I was able to get the baby to safety, but the two people I was with couldn’t make it very far.

Bruce: This is supposed to be easy, Dick.

Alfred: His eyes are blue, Master Bruce.

*Jason was kidnapped and it took longer than usual to find him*

Dick: Ever since Jason went back to his apartment you guys have been so dramatic. Do I have to remind you of the time I was taken hostage by Joker for weeks and no one answered my calls?

Everyone is too flabbergasted and Dick changes the subject so fast they can’t even ask him questions.

__________

[shortnsweetsposts]

Jason: Cooking together is NOT romantic, MOVE the fuck out of my way.

Reader: I'm tempted to stand in your way while you cook now.

Jason: I'll boil you next.

Reader: When he's a cannibal 😍🥰💖

[incorrectbatfam]

Alfred: Why are you laying on the floor?

Tim: I lost something.

Alfred: What?

Tim: Balance.

[rusomnia]

tim: spleens are overrated

anyone: so's caffeine

tim, slamming his hand on the table: NEVER say such sacrilege infront of me again

[everwalldigan]

Bruce: who are you? A new crime lord?

Jason: *takes off his helmet*

Bruce: *squints suspiciously* a new crime lord who looks like a grown up version of my dead son?

Jason: *sighs in annoyance and forces a bright smile*

Bruce: JASON THE NEW CRIME LORD???

[ahfrickenfrick]

vicki vale: and what do you have to say about the rumors that Bruce Wayne and Batman are the same person?

12 year old, newly appointed robin, jason todd: ??? that would be really weird cause i’ve literally seen them kiss before??

bruce: *in the Wayne tower, popping up from his paperwork* …something just happened…

[alittlerightalittlewrong]

[bruciemilf]

Bruce: Anyway, I better get this one home. See you, Superman.

Jason, a 6’4 anti hero crime fighting machine who threw down with Batman multiple times, sleepy as fuck: No! No no no no

Bruce, carrying him like a toddler: Yes ~

[thebat-musicman]

9 year old Dick: If you’re a friendless loser and you know it, clap your hands!

Bruce:

Dick: Clap. Your. Hands.

Bruce: *clap clap*

———

12 year old Jason: HEY YOU!

Jason: HEEEEEY YOU!

Jason: HEY! YOU!

Bruce: It’s not polite to not call people by their names, Robin.

Jason: Nice try, Hey You. I know my mentor’s name.

———

13 year old Tim: You see this coffee, Bruce?

Bruce: Thank you for making this for m-

Tim: This is my coffee. You are having water. Only people who don’t break mugger’s fingers get coffee.

———

Clark: Batman, your Robins are so polite. They must have been a joy to raise.

Bruce, through clenched teeth: Such a joy.

[myimaginarymary]

Sometime in Gotham:

Jason Todd [on the phone]: How did the Joker die?

Damian Wayne [on the phone]: Cats ate his face.

Jason Todd: Damian, I think you’re confused. I’m asking about the Joker.

Damian Wayne: Cats ate his face.

Jason Todd: Look, would you just put Dick or Tim on the phone?

Dick Grayson: Hello?

Jason Todd: Dick, what happened to the Joker?

Dick Grayson: Cats ate his face. Here, Damian knows more about it than I do.

(Source: Malcolm in the Middle)

[galaxymagitech]

Bruce: Congratulations, Jason! You’re the first of my kids to graduate college!

Dick: Yeah, first and only one for all eternity!

Bruce: *Ignoring Dick by sheer willpower* Anyway, what are you planning to do next?

Jason: I think I’m going to continue my education in English Lit.

Bruce: *nervously* Great. You’ll get a Master’s Degree, right?

Jason: …

Bruce: …right?

Jason: Actually, I’m going for a PhD.

Bruce: This is a terrible joke. You’re over the supervillainy, right, Jay?

Jason: Look, my application to GothamU’s PhD program was accepted!

Bruce: No child! Of mine! Will get! A PhD!!!

Jason: I’m hoping to be a literature professor at GothamU, if I survive long enough.

Bruce: *screams incoherently*

Dick: I think you broke him.

[unidentifiedgothamite]

duke: who do you guys think is bruce's favorite child?

jason: it's probably fingerstripes

dick: me?! it's obviously you, jay

tim: it's jason

steph: facts. b lets him get away with everything, including murder

cass: jason

damian: as much as i loathe to admit it, father does treat todd differently

jason: ya'll are trippin'

meanwhile...

clark: b, just curious, but, do you have a favorite child?

bruce: hn, what date is it?

clark: um, may 12th?

bruce: then it's batcow

clark: what

bruce: did i stutter?

[shortnsweetsposts]

Bat!reader: HOW TF DO YOU MAKE MICROWAVE POPCORN WITHOUT IT GETTING EVERYWHERE.

Damian: you're supposed to keep it in the bag

Bat!reader: Hell no. I ain't putting a PAPER bag in the microwave. I don't want it to catch on fire

Damian: you are dumb.

[incorrectbatfam]

Dick and Barbara: *kissing*

Damian: What the actual fuck?! Oh you sick, sick bastards.

Barbara: Listen, Damian—

Damian: This is incest!

Dick: No it's not.

Damian: Yes it is, Richard.

Dick: We're not related.

Damian: Oh and that makes it okay, I suppose?

Dick: Well it makes it not incest.

[timmydraker]

Bruce: Alright, Chum, seen as your twenty one you can have a drink too.

Dick: awww, babies first shot!

Bruce: he won’t be doing shots for his first drink-

Tim, down three shots consecutively with a straight face:

Bruce:

Dick:

Alfred:

Damian:

Jason:

Batcow:

Tim: ooo it’s burns, anyway-

[everwalldigan]

To anyone who thinks Bruce has a clear and consistent favourite child I raise you this: it is infinitely funnier for Bruce to have a complicated and elaborate “ranking” system of his kids that only he’s privy to.

Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.

Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.

Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.

The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.

The favourite child changes daily, hourly even, and his kids are aware this system exists and keep trying to crack the code but he always Knows and just smirks smugly.