#cluster c vent

[imagoodone-iswear]

does anyone else have extreme trouble with backpaddeling or just feeling this urge to downplay themselves every single time something is supposed to come from myself?

everytime im stable with a decision and an opposing decision or an agreeing decision comes up, i immediately second guess and feel like i have to downplay this or change my decision because this came from ME so "yk its not that bad after all" or "im sure i just thought wrong its actually better than my brain makes me think".

yeah sure...

im so sick of saying yes but then being like "yk what, no,,, thats not my opinion, nah, its not even that bad, we can just do whatever you want its fine" after 3 years (/hyp) of pondering what the fuck i even want.

its so fucking annoying i cant even put it into words. and every single time too. i just have this urge to downplay myself, my thoughts, my opinions, my struggles, everything from myself. so i also backpaddle on a lot of stuff because suddenly im just "nah its not that bad, i swear".

[commonzinnia]

yeah, sorry i exhibited symptoms of the disorder i told you i have. it will happen again because i have that disorder and will continue having it. hope this helps!! 🫶🫶🫶

[kitten-forward]

[sleazymachine]

being mentally ill is ok with people until it makes you a threat to their self esteem

being mentally ill is ok with people until youre closed off and quiet

being mentally ill is ok with people until they sometimes have to put in more effort into the relationship due to your symptoms

being mentally ill is ok with people until you split hard and outburst and they take it personally

being mentally ill is ok with people until you experience paranoid delusions about them and they take it personally

being mentally ill is ok with people until your mental illness isnt pretty

being mentally ill is ok with people until you're mentally ill

[sleeplessv0id]

sometimes the distractions fail, and I am forced to confront the fact that I am still as sick as I've always been.

[dorianbrightmusic]

PSA

-OCD is not a synonym for neat or preoccupied with tidiness. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is all about distressing intrusive thoughts and rituals (compulsions) used to combat those thoughts.

-Intrusive thoughts are not synonymous with silly things I want to do. They're deeply upsetting, often taboo mental apparitions. Letting them win is the last thing anyone wants, and nobody is immoral for having them. (See 'impulsive thoughts' if you need a term.)

-Anorexic is not a synonym for thin or emaciated. The majority of anorexic people have OSFED atypical anorexia – that is, their BMI is above 18.5. You cannot judge the severity of someone's illness by their appearance. (If you're worried about someone, look out more for rapid weight loss than thinness, even when it's occurring in someone in a larger body. 10kg in 10 weeks is never a good thing.)

-Eating disorders are not synonymous with just anorexia and bulimia. Anorexia is an ED, but it's nowhere near the most common. Bulimia is an ED, but again, not the most common. Together, they do not constitute the most common. The most common ED is binge-eating disorder, and the second most common is atypical anorexia, which is one of many, many OSFED categories. Those living with ARFID, pica, night-eating syndrome, rumination disorder, subthreshold BN, subthreshold BED, and orthorexia all deserve dignity, compassion, and acknowledgement. Remember: EDs are not necessarily thin, and never glamorous.

-Schizophrenic is not a synonym of all over the place, abnormal, unpredictable, dangerous, or crazy. Nor is schizoid or schizotypal. Folks with schizophrenia spectrum disorders live with hallucinations, delusions, disorganised thoughts/behaviour, and/or catatonia. They are far more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators, and go to huge lengths to act okay even when distressed by symptoms.

-Schizophrenic is also not a synonym of multiple personalities/volatile. For the disorder involving having different facets of personality that are generally unaware of each other, see Dissociative Identity Disorder, and even then, don't assume it's a) dramatic as it is in the movies; b) evil; or c) trivial. DID is a trauma disorder.

-Delusional is not a synonym of wrong. Nor is it the same as this politician/friend is saying something I do not like/that is potentially dangerous. Delusions are false, fixed beliefs held despite evidence. And generally, folks with delusions don't tend to proselytise them. I know that certain politicians have beliefs that seem to persist in the face of evidence, but nevertheless, we don't need to stigmatise mental illness further to call out poor political/social behaviour. If you need a word for the pundit spewing potentially dangerous content, use 'dangerous' or 'wrong', but don't call them delusional.

-Bipolar is not a synonym of all over the place or fluctuating results. Bipolar disorder involves mood states that, even in the rapid cycling form, tend to last at least 3-4 days (mania) and weeks (depression). If you need a word for the weather, use 'British' instead.

-Psychotic is not a synonym of evil. Psychosis is losing touch with reality, whether it be through hallucinations or delusions. It doesn't make a person bad or violent. It's just a neurological phenomenon that may be distressing. It's also relatively common: 6-15% of people will hallucinate in their lifetime.

-ADHD is not a synonym of just quirky/scattered/forgetful/unfocussed/lazy/careless. ADHD is fundamentally a disorder of being able to choose where to direct attention, rather than of just I can't focus. If someone can't tune out the noise of the crowd, but can't prevent themself focussing on something trivial because their brain is wired that way, it's not laziness or just being quirky/scattered.

-Autistic meltdown is not a synonym of temper tantrum.

-Borderline is not a synonym of harridan.

-Narcissist is not a synonym of abuser.

-Mentally ill is not a synonym of volatile or bad person. This doesn't mean we have to make something artificially positive out of mental disorders. If there is good to be found in certain disorders, great; if there is nothing positive about living with certain others, that doesn't make you any less real or resilient than anyone else. It's okay to have complex feelings about your own disorders. It's okay to feel exhausted or frustrated by a disorder. But never should anyone have to face stigma.

[avpdpossum]

one of the most frustrating parts of avpd for me is that i can get so angry — i mean want-to-put-my-fist-through-a-wall-or-maybe-a-face angry, have-to-stop-myself-from-crashing-my-car angry, like scary angry — and i can’t do anything about it. i’d bet most of the people who know me would laugh at the idea of me being that angry because it’s so far off from anything i could ever express.

not that i would want to act on those urges, but i can’t even say that i’m angry out loud, much less raise my voice or god forbid slam a door. it just all builds up inside of me until there’s so much of it that it gets violent and i spend hours just sitting there with my eyes closed imagining what it’d feel like to scream at the top of my lungs or destroy everything in my room or leave with no intention of ever coming back again. all i can do is fantasize about what it would feel like to be angry the way everyone else gets to be angry until it gets so bad that it’s not just the way everyone else gets angry, it’s something worse than that. my therapist once told me she thought i needed to learn how to get angry, and i didn’t know how to tell her that i can get angrier than she would ever believe, it just lives inside my head and never gets to come out the way everyone else’s does.

and if you’ve never felt it, you can’t even imagine the kind of resentment that turns into, the way you start to hate everyone around you so much you want to see them hurt or even dead, because why do they get to be loud and angry and show it off to the world when you can’t? how dare they be so goddamn frustrating and piss you off so much when you know deep down that they would hate you for ever showing it?

i’ve imagined the catharsis of getting loud and destructive since i was little because something furious has been burning the inside of my mind for my entire life and it will never stop because it will never have anywhere to go. it makes me feel like a horrible person, like the kind of person who might just snap one day and do something awful, and i guess i just have to live with that.

[notesfrompanihida]

Who has the Death note I need you to put my full legal name in that thing

[graveyard-darlingg]

i would also like to say that just bc i exhibit these traits and symptoms, it does not make me a bad person, nor does it make anyone else a bad person. having a personality disorder, a mood disorder, dissociative disorders — any mental illness is not something we asked for and it is not something we can control.

sometimes it is treatable, and other times it isn’t. i know most people cope and manage the best they can because it fucking sucks. i know i hate having this fucking slew of disorders. it’s not fun and it’s not something i ever wanted or asked for. none of us ask to be like this, nor have we ever wanted the circumstances in which we develop these disorders. i’m aware that for some people, it is a chemical imbalance or inherited through genetics btw — which just really drives home my fucking point.

having a mental illness does not automatically make you bad or unhealthy or undesirable. the actions of the person determine that. not all of us are fucking dicks — and i promise you opening your eyes and seeing that isn’t going to make the world end.

[therapeutic007]

🚀✨ The Totally Accurate Chronicles of Exposure Therapy for AVPD ✨🚀

So, I’ve been doing exposure therapy to tackle my AVPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder), and let me tell you, it’s a wild ride. Imagine trying to train a cat to fetch, except the cat is your self-confidence and it’s currently napping in a box labeled “NOPE.” 🐱📦

Yesterday’s challenge was to have a casual conversation with someone I don’t know well. Easy, right? Except my brain decided this was the perfect moment to stage a dramatic reenactment of every social faux pas I’ve ever imagined. I ended up discussing the weather with a stranger for 45 minutes. Not just the weather—THE WEATHER. 🌦️🌪️

Then came the “meeting new people” part of the therapy. So, I went to a social event, and as soon as I walked in, my brain immediately decided that I was the human embodiment of a “Don’t Talk to Me” sign. I’m pretty sure I managed to achieve the world record for most awkward “Hi” in a single night. 🤦‍♀️👋

And let’s not forget the best part: confronting my fear of criticism. My therapist said, “Write a blog post about your experience.” Well, here I am, writing a blog post, and my internal editor is currently screaming “THIS WILL BE THE WORST BLOG POST EVER!” 📉🖋️

So if you see me out there, chatting about the weather or pretending to be super chill while internally flipping out, just know I’m on a journey. A journey where I’m discovering that maybe, just maybe, being awkward is my superpower. 🌟😅

Here’s to conquering fears one awkward moment at a time! 🥂💪 _________

Highly Recommend this ERP Workbook

[drifting-bones]

if i don't get attention i'm going to fucking explode but if i do get attention i'll make it awkward and fuck it up or just get overshadowed and ignored again. i can never fucking win.

[harmoniousbpd]

It's always “mental health matters! ”

Until that mental health is destructive,

Until that mental health, turns into handfuls of hair on the floor of a bedroom after ripping it out in a haste.

Until that mental health swallows someone whole and forces them away from everyone they have ever loved.

Until that mental health creates bloody tissues.

Until that mental health turns their bedroom into a junkyard.

Until that mental health turns every memory into a blur.

Until that mental health turns them unrecognizable.

Until that mental health leads them to neglect themselves for weeks on end.

Mental health only matters to you when it fits your standards.

[mentally-spiraling]

I think I'm just really tired of trying to socialize.

I think I'm tired trying to push myself to fit into a group only to feel awkward and even scared that I just stay quiet. Staying in the background so no one would grow to dislike me bc I did or said something wrong.

Yeah, it means I don't hold a footprint in their mind and will result in me not only feeling left out but actually being left out from group things. But it also makes it easier to slip away, never engage with them again, leave the group chats, change my url and start over in another 8 years or so.

Can you believe that all it took was one person's actions to make me feel like shit? To confirm that I'm not wanted in this group anymore. That I'm not even worth being remembered. So I rather just not be there and leave.

[sleazymachine]

*masks and represses my feelings and hides everything* why does no one care :(

[sleeplessv0id]

I don't believe in God. anymore

but I hope he loved me. at least once.

[shrike-without-a-thorn]

i hate how avpd makes other people criticize and target you (which triggers trauma memories) because like

i literally learnt to keep to myself, not speak unless spoken to and to never initiate relationships because i was repeatedly traumatized by the cruelty of others as a fucking survival mechanism, but that makes me "awkward" which makes people target me more for their fucked up cruel "jokes" and shit. because it's just oh so fucking funny to pick an "awkward" person and make them feel as violated and unsafe as possible, because they're not normal like us. in fact who's to say they're even a person at all! they don't see me as human because of the coping mechanism i literally developed to protect myself from dehumanization.

it's even a joke among my acquaintances and casual friends. that i'm just sOoOoOooOoOooO awkward haha! no-one knows how to talk to me! i made all that time we spent together before we were acquainted so awkward because i'm so so quiet and weird! i thought you were so weird and stupid haha! everyone thinks of you that way! why aren't you laughing? it's funny! it's funny everyone makes assumptions and treats you like shit because of things out of your control!

i hate it so much