#im so tired. everything hurts. its all so fucking hard. i.... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lucyvaleheart · 3 months

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#i feel so. pathetic #stagnant and rotting #im..... sso tired. so so tired.#i wish i could disappear #i wish i could stop #i wish it all would just. sstop #so many people would be affected by it i know #but i just. im.....#......i still just want to die #im so tired. everything hurts. its all so fucking hard. i....#....i-i can't do it #positive thinking and all that and i shouldn't say shit like that but i. I.... I can't #I can't do it #its so hard to want to keep going for anything #no reason feels like enough #not anything or anyone #i just can't do it #there's too much. There's too much and I'm so bad at asking for help and there's too much and nobody is close enough to do anything anyway #And everybody is struggling too much to help me anyway and. And #I....#...........im so tired.........#i can't do this much longer #i can't. i can't i can't i can't

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the-kipsabian · 8 months

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#today was such a long fucking day and i was made so fucking uncomfortable i literally threatened to walk out of a fucking funeral #i got told im dressed inappropriately just because im perceived as a girl and i was wearing pants #PANTS.#theres no such thing as a funeral dress code that prevents me from wearing pants. people just didnt like it #i got told by two extended family members that i was inappropriate. and later also by my mom #who didnt say anything when they picked me up. it was fine by her at that time but later when others said it wasnt fine? yeah #im so fucking tired man #i know the extended half family doesnt like me ive always been a black sheep but this just. yeah #at a funeral no less #i dont want to see these people ever again im so fucking tired. i dont want to see anyone ever again tbh #just let me sleep forever and rot away please im tired #sorry my headache makes me angry and upset just. its all just so much #im just glad this whole hassle is over and i dont have to think about this anymore. but between all the stress and anxiety and grief #and everything else? yeah this. this aint it fam #im so mentally fucking shot i just want to sleep but my body is still kinda in a fight or flight mode with this and the grief its so hard #and my head hurts. so yeah. i dont fucking know #i just need someone to hold me before i combust #again sorry #night is an absolute mess on main

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weirdlizard26 · 6 months

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grbrggbfrgbbffbrg

#wl26 #hrng #feeling cute might never talk to anyone ever again #why do i alllllways say the wrong thing #or idk #one moment i have this one image of the world #and i think doing things in a certain way is correct #then i learn that apparently its wrong and you should communicate if youre unhappy about something #ans so i apply that to my life onward #and then like im sorry this happened but maybe next time tell me youre not ok with this #only to then be told that i shouldve known #and i guess i should have #but i didnt #because assuming is also wrong #because not everything is about me #so is there no way of doing anything right or am i just an asshole and a loser with memory so bad i cant recall what happened last week #did happen? did i just think about doing or saying it so hard that my brain registered it as a real action?#who fucking knows man #im so tired #i dont know #is there something wrong with me or am i jusy a jerk #am i just faking the whole neurodivergent shit so that i can make excuses for myself when someone gets hurt #is that all it is

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xamaxenta · 1 year

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I ended up not sleeping at all

#i am so fucking tired #I just lay here all night #well its my fault i went crazy hard during my cardio and didnt stretch properly so my legs and everything really hurt lmao #i wanted to take painkillers earlier but idk if mixing painkillers and alcohol was a good idea so i didnt and now on the only day off i get #i didnt sleep a t al and its bright as fuck outside and i cant go to sleep when it’s bright fuuuuuuck #💀 guess i cant draw today bc i know ill just be sloppy about it and wont do a good job #its nearly 10 am impossible try sleep more #i took some painkillers half an hour ago and that helped finally im no longer squirming abt like a dumbfuxh

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strwbrymlkshake · 2 years

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ohh I do want to pass away why am I so stupid

#mine #🎸#why am i such a terrible person 😇 genuinely what the fuck #me when i want to cry and tear my skin off over a minor mistake ufhdshdjfjg can i stop being fucking stupid for once #crying over a mistake right NOW actually everything is so difficult i dont know what im supposed to do in these situations!!!!!!!#i get in trouble for not knowing what to do in social situations then i have to apologize and i didnt know THAT either.#bashing my head against the wall violence maiming killing death torture bloodletting slicing tearing defenestrating murdering annihilating #me anmd my epic autism powers. shouldnt i know better why csnt you understand!!! who is at fault here! i dont even know #ashshsjdksjfklsfke im wanna cry so hard everything sucks right now im too busy for this shit. for Emotions #why are you punishing me do you hate me?! did you never even like me at all are you trying to make me mad!!! why #im so tired and frustrated i want everything to go perfectly but its not nothing can be perfect in this terrible world he is going to hate #me now. hell why do i have urges like this it always ruins everything im being so selfish arent i aren't i arent i !!!!!!!! why cant we #be FUCKING compatible and perfect snd everything what is the problem am i the problem?!?? why cant you understsnd what im trying to tellyou #maybe it really would just be better if i died nothing good has happened or is going to happen to me since he probably hates me and #my life sucks!!!!! my face hurts from crying i cant cry properly it hurts it feels so hot why cant it end already!!!!!!! why cant #we be perfect like we are supposed to why cant you UNDERSTAND it seems easy to understand to ME whwueh i am mortified my throat hurts #my head hurts i hate this world why couldnt i resist why did i have to be vulnerable id be better off if. well i dont know #i do want to crush bones and flesh beneath my hands to be honest i dont KNOW i thought it was going well i thought it was good #the thread i am hanging on by is quite thin actually why do i care so much why do i care so little im going to explode right meow!!!#my mood is so ruined i dont know if im even used to this whole thing i cannot get in particular moods im so. rgrhrhggr none of this post #is going to make sense i just need to say words while crying then itll be fine probably #this is just another one of god's little tests i think that everyone will hate me no matter what in the end so i have to enjoy it while #it lasts. no matter how hard i try everything always ends up the same way. all this started because of my mistakes and itll end with them

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arcaneyouth · 1 year

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oh god ive returned to "i dont have time to take breaks i need to be working constantly" even tho i have specifically designed my schedule to allow myself to take breaks

#vent post #negative #my everything is on fire #i feel like a little pussy bitch for having to take breaks #cause i know everything i need to do isnt that hard #but it IS that hard and i dont know why its getting to be this hard #it didnt used to be...?#why am i so slow again. hello #why is everything hard again #my schedule is not overwhelming but it is but its not but it really is #i have to rearrange my entire schedule to figure out all the new responsibilities im about to have and thats awful and is going to hurt me #but also none of this should be fucking hard #im on medication. do i need a better dose? did something change?#things to talk with my therapist about but my appointments not for a week and i dont have time to add one this week #i am not going to survive the adult world if i am acting like this man. what the fuck am i supposed to do tho #everything really does feel like it fell apart all at once and i should know how to fix it but its weird and wrong #......ive been sleeping more and being more tired lately too???#maybe my ass needs to stay up til 3-4 am. for my mental health #i dont know. i feel lost and i have a map but im still ?????

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liquid-geodes · 2 years

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What a way to learn your ex coworker (one of your favorite ones too mind you) thinks everyone who says they're autistic is using it as an excuse for being rude to people

Like brother, people shouldn't HAVE to get diagnosed before you believe them (her actual words) getting diagnosed can actually be super harmful to the person being diagnosed, as it's often times used against us in various ways

Yes there are just shitty people in the world who WILL claim to be to cover up the fact that they're just shitty, but not EVERY person who says it does

#i will literally be the first to admit that i come off as a shitty person quite often/can be blunt more times than not #and once its pointed out to me i do apologize when necessary. its a thing ive got to learn to identify or try to avoid when possible #its never going to go away. thats not how it works #idk it just rubbed me the wrong way to hear her say that. feels like she thinks im just a shitty person #i dont even think she knows im autistic tbh and if thats the case im GLAD she doesnt know #idk a lot has happened recently in this specific vein of thought that just has me feeling exceptionally shitty about myself #like im doing my best with it and its still causing problems. its still hurting the people i care about. its fucking exhausting #and its incredibly frustrating. im literally trying SO HARD to be better and its not working out in a way thats ideal #and now everything just feels extra shitty #im so tired. thats all

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gonfrees · 2 years

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seems like we are at the crying part of the illness.

#we can postpone cjristmas #gonna talk in da tags for a bit because a post full of perosmal info feels so gross #ive been crying on and off for hours. km so upset being atuck in my fucking room with covid while nobody else is sick at all #and im glad nonody is sick im just so fucking lonely #started symptoms on friday #twsted neg fri and sat. didnt test sundah cause i dont have a lot. tested monday and was psorive #literally slept with my bf all of those nights #shared weed pen on sunday with ofher roommate #nobody else is sick #i just feel so sad and tired. im used to himan or cat affection daily and ive had none. i feel so lonley and trapped #i did everythjng right to avoid being sick and my bf was also with me that whole day and he didnt get sick #i feel stupid weak and pathetic for gettinf sixk. i dont have symptoms anymore but atill positive #im so fucking sad and i can hear people hanging out and they are havjng fun and im glad but im jealous #im so sad and lonely. i want to wrap things for christmas and do more stockjng sruffer shopping. i want to watch movjes with people #i love holidays because i love to hang out with my friends and i fucking cant amd today especially its really tearing me up #my bf is upset that im no communicating and hes trying to cheer me up but everything is making me misribke and i dont know how to stop it #i like to do things for people when theyre sick and i know everyone isnt like me but it hurts to not have that done for me #offering to order food is nice bjt j want skmething made for me but nkbody is as good as i am at making things and i dont want to ask #i dont want to bother people but im literally breakkng down today. cant atop fucjing crying and i feel weak and pathetic. stupid #i tried so hard not to get sick and they are saying o dont want to fucking do that #id rather everyone open stockjngs and do presents without me because im tired of not saying what i got people i want tk show people #i like wrapping gifts and nobody wants me to toich anything because of cocid so others are wrapping things from me for me #i dont know its all very stupid but i feel very alone but also dont want people joking at me to make me feel better. im just mad and sad #ok im done now:) ill post a drawing later #nap time #text

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magnoliamyrrh · 2 years

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#i think i might need to start taking my other meds again on top of these ones #im in so much fucking pain and its not letting up #my ankles my knees my hips are the worst of all rn #i cant even lay in bed without it hurting #and once again basically every single inch of my body hurts again. like everything feels hot with pain lmao #hasnt been this bad in a moment #fucking combination of walking too much (which isn't even that much kill me) and too much writing and too tired #and being so stressed again 24/7 has just kicked my whole nervous system into a oversensitivity loop again #jfc. my body feels like a wound. everywhere. its hard to even type

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shadow-bender · 1 month

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#genuinely though i think i need to try and get (back) on medication for my chronic pain #the only reaso. i didnt when it was offered is bc the trwatment they wnated to use involved and ssri and i cant be #on an ssri without being on a mood stabilizer unless we want me to go into a mania #and the last time i was on a mood stabilizer i lost 15% of my body weight bc of how sick it made me and my gastrointestinal tract still #hasnt recovered from that even though its been 7 years atleast at this point #and 15% of your body mass is alot to fucking lose when you only weigh 112 pounds in the first place #ive also STILL not gained that weight back btw #i only weigh like 105 #i feel like i look like a fucking victorian waif who needs to be sent to the seaside for their health #but atleast i dont weight 98 pounds anymore bc that was really scary actually #also and the main point of this all is that if i dont do something im going A flunk out of grad school and B possibly killmyself #bc my mental health is actially so bad right now. my suicidal ideation is the worst its been since my early 20s #lile there is a part of my brain that actively wants to die bc then everything would stop hurting and bc im so tired and i just want to rest #but also i dont want to die actually im just tired and afraid #but my brain is trying to kill me #and ive had the strong urge to start self harming again after being clean of it again since my early 20s #like ive caught myself ruminating on it on how much i want it #both selfharm and death and thats so fucking scary bc ive fought so hard to not do either of those things #ive been clean of self harm since i was 21 thats 7 years and the last time i caught myself actively thinking about sucide or selfharm #was in 2020 during covid lockdown bc i was fucking trapped in a house with my ex who didnt give a shit about my psychosis or its triggers #or even my life apparently bc i begged him to lock up his guns during one of the worst episodes i had during lockdown bc my brain was #telling me to kill myself and he didnt just moved them to a shelf kinda out of the way but still easily accessible

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soggiedsocks · 2 months

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i know its my own fault i'm in this situation but i'd really love if people could stop reminding me of that every time i try and ask for help to get out of this situation and get better and stop it from happening again. no one wants to acknowledge that hey maybe the guy who got to such a mental low point that he attempted suicide isn't actually just magically doing okay when he's got no one IRL to support him and that frequently being reminded of the fact that he repeatedly fucked up massively and that he has been asked to move out ASAP when he is already incredibly fucking sorry and working on addressing things and doing everything he fucking can to try and move out within a month without also jeopardising his healthcare and his longer term housing options. like sorry i already know ive hurt people and i feel incredibly fucking bad about it but im doing my best to stop it from happening again and shoving all my other shit aside so that I can do all the things I need to do to move out ASAP and i do not appreciate the constant insinuation that im not doing enough, especially right after i've talked about how much i'm struggling in all of this. If it was within my power how long things take I would not still be in this house, hell if it was within my power I wouldn't have had any of this happen, but it happened and everyone is all dealing with the consequences and just because it's my fault doesn't mean I chose for this to happen or that I can't also be struggling and it sucks when the one person in all of this who will even talk to me just constantly puts me down and then tries to suggest they're being compassionate for talking to me at all when I never asked for them to be the middle man and I'd actually be doing much better and probably able to make a lot more progress if on top of all the shit I'm dealing with I didn't have them there to remind me of things I already am all too aware of.

#ash rambles #vent #personal #rant #frankly i wish i could just attempt again and actually succeed this time #bc its been made blatantly clear that people don't want me around and they'd be better off without me #but i dont have access to any fucking feasible means with a high enough probability of a successful attempt to make it worthwhile #so im doing my damnedest to just fight my way through this and im so scared and alone #and no one other than a few online friends and my NHS mental health guy have been able to recognise just how hard im working myself #like idk man im fucking tired and suicidal and i dont really have a reason to live but im doing it all anyway so as not to cause more hurt #and yet im still the bad guy and will forever be treated like the bad guy when i just want to get better #but its whatever i guess. as long as everyone else gets their happily ever after at once im gone.#maybe then i can lie down and think about everything without wishing id died.

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celestialmancer · 3 months

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⛈️ ❌ ❌ ❌ // 2:09 am, tbd ;

#this is a fucking vent so just gnore the venty ass tags but i have nowhere else to place this that feels safe other than just.#shouting into a void where no one hears. aka here ig.#bc its better i shout into a void alone than drag others down with me somehow—i dont. know #regardless… i’m just… i dont know what to think.#things are really bad lately & i’m struggling again to stop myself from sh utting down every time i try being vulnerable & opening up.#i keep clamming up & letting my mind take the reins when it tells me to just erase anything i say. to not open up.#to swallow every single emotion & experience that’s hurting me & let that poison kill me slowly instead. deal with it alone #because it feels like its wrong to open up. like its wrong to say anything. like me being open is just.#me being a fucking burden or something. i don’t know. i shouldn’t be like this. i’m supposed to be fucking better than t his.#what the fuck happened to the version of myself that could just keep suppressing & suppressing & not being a goddamn thorn in ppl’s sides.#esp bc all the things i’m having a difficult / painful time with is all fucking trigger heavy shit or things that i just don’t.#fucking know what to do with anymore because its not shit within my control.#a lot of it’s shit im still just processing that has hurt a lot & havingg to cope w that grief alone.#but then there’s also other circumtances too that are hard to navigate & my BPD having a field day w me in recent history too #i don’t know what the fuck is wrong w me at this point. & im scared & i can’t stand being fucking alone in this shit yet.#i feel like i have to. i have to. i have to. beccause this is my own issue & to dare express anything is me just. using ppl isn’t it.#that’s all it is right. & besides how many times has it been proven that ppl get sick of me for not being okay.#how many times have ppl walked away because they realize im just some fucking deadweight emotionally or something. id on’t fucking know.#am i spiraling? who fucking knows! maybe! because im fucking tired of what my life has been in general & im. overwhelmed.#overwhelmed by existence itself i fucking guess & what its meant for me overwhelmed by expectations overwhelmed by vulnerability thats just.#bleeding out through the fucking cracks of this fucking mess of a person i am.#& constantly fucking afraid that im just. too much. too much. too much for anyone.#too emotional in fucking general too intense too overwhelming for others regardless if its overwhelming them via pos or neg emotions.#afraid im going to get discarded afraid of what’s to come afraid in fucking general. fear & grief & pain & rage & hatred &.#desperation to feel anything other than this & desperation to feel loved thats got me having rly foul compulsions too #all my emotions feel like some kind of fuckihng hairtrigger & its hard to stop it in fucking general. i dont fucking know. & like i said it.#feels like shit to deal with completely alone. not bc i wanna deal with alone but bc i /have/ to bc if i dont then im just. a problem. or.#i dont know. im tired of everything tired of my emotions tired of this life tired of all that ive had to face up til this point & tired of.#fear & idk how to handle things alone anymore. my friends deserve better than this emotional burden i am to be around ig.#it feels so much like i have to apologize to those i befriend for being. well. this. for all of me & for being ‘too much’ in general.

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gazeboarcade · 3 months

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:^[

#i started my new job on monday #and its rlly rlly hard #all i can think the last couple days is im not cut out for it #and that i made a mistake by agreeing to it and possibly to my degree as a whole #i haven't been able to sit down for more than 5 minutes the whole shift #which i am not dumb shouldnt be so hard but im also fat rn so that does make my feet hurt so bad its lowkey all i can feel physically #and i get asked like . 100+ questions a day (i do not even think that's exaggerating)#and its a LOT to learn all this new stuff about all these new clients and like . they have rlly high needs so its important that like #if no one else understands at least i do bc im like. their point person #and im qualified to do the job. if not more so than all my coworkers : /#but i have left each day barely even understanding everything that happened that day. It FLIES by because there is not a dull moment #and when there is so far its been actually a Problem i need to address making it dull that i am not immediately aware of #im sure itll even out in the coming days but like : ((((((( this is VERY hard for me and i feel like i cant convey that well #bc logically i should be good at it so i must just be being dramatic or smthn idk #and i feel like i cant talk to my friends lately bc idk that feels rlly hard #but its not like i rlly have the time to its just rlly sad #im up too late but im not even tired enough to sleep im just really sad and overwhelmed and i wish i could just like . explode briefly #just till its over or normal #fucking. wretched man idk like its jjust a lot : ((((((#i wish i could communicate that effectively so the bigness of it would come across #delete later

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toastsnaffler · 3 months

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still just so so disappointed though :-(

#like its ok... but my heart hurts #so frustrating struggling with little things that seem to come to other people so much more easily #i feel like i only live half the life that other people do. or less like i just feel so slow and incapable and far behind everyone else #and i dont think ill ever catch up. and thats okay i know its not a race and i know i shouldnt compare myself to others #n everyone has their own struggles ahhh i know #and im trying and its not like my life is even that bad but man.#its so hard to make peace with only having a half life. always falling short never quite being enough for myself or anyone else #its so alienating i feel so distant and disconnected from everyone and everything so much of the time #and i dont know how to solve that i dont know if its even solvable. i dont want it to be like this forever 🥹🥹🥹🥹#its okay sometimes. i just have to do my best to live my life in those fragments and then just get by the rest of the time #at least having the flat to myself this weekend means i can cry openly and dont have to hold my breath to not make noise when im sobbing #just gotta get it out. ill feel better and worse and better and worse and maybe next weekend will be okay or the next or the next whenever #aw man.#.diaries #3pm and all ive done today is a single load of laundry and cry a lot. why did i even both taking meds this morning #havent been productive and havent done any hobbies or anything for myself i only get 2 days off a week and i waste all that time #like it would be fine if i wanted to do nothing. but i dont!!!!!!!!! i dont want to feel like this and zone out and stare into space #while time just passes and im so tired after work on weekdays its so hard to do anything then its so stupid to waste all this #but i feel so fucking bad i dont even know why im still doing this i need to get up and DO SHIT my mind is a fucking cage please #cant stop crying again now i hate this so much please i dont know what to do about it i just need it to stop

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dxsertrot · 6 months

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Actually everything has been too complicated and now that the sun is out I've decided that everything is actually easier than I thought and nothing has to hurt me unless I let it

#drinking coffee and smoking in the sun after a decent day of work #i got to work ot this weekend and do a tough job and the day after i hiked w my mom and ran along the beach w the dog #the longer i keep myself away from the narrative the more further removed and at peace i feel #although sometimes its somewhat distrupted when i see them but i reel it back in real quick #it just feels good to know that i dont have to let anyone in and that i have my people and thats all i need #im goung to carry myself the rest of the way through like i always have #and i dont need anyone elses validation #things will come to me when im ready and its right #if i dont want someone to hurt me then i simply dont have to allow them to hurt me #and if i hurt them then oh well. i need to protect my peace and my self esteem #i have things that i would like to work out but i need to accept that everything i want to have happen i cant make happen #ive been through too much and worked too hard and loved too hard and learned too much to let things like this touch me anymore #my self perception cannot hinge on anyone anymore because only i know what ive done and seen and felt and thought in every momemt of my lif #and how i look is not a solid descripter of all the aspects of me #it is not the bulk of my humanity it is hardly a grain of sand #im not angry or sad im just indifferent and ready for something better and healthier and more secure #and the things and people that i can have by relying on my looks do not hold much value anyways #besides. i am pretty. and im healthy and im good w my money and i laugh w my belly and i know a fuck of a lot more than i ever thought #and ive done more than i ever anticipated #i have a lot of things to be so okay with that i shouldnt even have to think about it #and the fact that i ever do is a luxary not given to the bulk of humanity #ive had the privledge to love many times and learn the lessons that accompany losing #and the privilege to make my own decisions and have my own priorities #i have the time and money to worry about frivolous things just like ive had the same to experience some really cool things #i am full of energy and opportunity and love and i get to decide when and where i want to direct that #if i direct it in a place that leave me feeling sad and empty and confused i can put my focus elsewhere unless i deem it worthy enough to #work at #and when ive poured too much in and got too little back ill know to reframe things #its not that complicated and its not that messy #it just is whatever i make it out to be and im tired of making everything out to be more and allow it to define me

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furiosopetalo · 11 months

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vent post

#im loosing my minddd i want to cry and scream and hurt myself and cut my hair and bleed though my clothes #why is it when i feel like this is always violence who i think of? always violence always hurting always brusing myself #cause xrying its not enough anymore. it hasnt been for a while. and ive been trying tk get better im doing everything i can to get better #to be happy and healthy and have a happy life #but i cantt #i cant be happy i cant be healthy i cant cry and then be okay as i used to #im a burden to my friends. they dont need a sad piexemof shit by their side #ruinning their day #theyll be do much better without me. tjey wouldnt have to worry #last year i cried every dar. every morning #this year was going so much better. i barely cried about it. did i felt like shkt sometimes? yes #but it wasnt as hard as last year and now its all coming back #k dont fucking teust happiness cause yesterday it was a good day. it was a fucking good day and i thought oh im doing better #everything is better now #and now jt all went to shit #i cant be even just a little bit happy cause then sadness comes three times worse. three times harder.#im just so tired. i dont want to be this person k think i deserve happiness

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