#im so tired. everything hurts. its all so fucking hard. i....
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#i feel so. pathetic#stagnant and rotting#im..... sso tired. so so tired.#i wish i could disappear#i wish i could stop#i wish it all would just. sstop#so many people would be affected by it i know#but i just. im.....#......i still just want to die#im so tired. everything hurts. its all so fucking hard. i....#....i-i can't do it#positive thinking and all that and i shouldn't say shit like that but i. I.... I can't#I can't do it#its so hard to want to keep going for anything#no reason feels like enough#not anything or anyone#i just can't do it#there's too much. There's too much and I'm so bad at asking for help and there's too much and nobody is close enough to do anything anyway#And everybody is struggling too much to help me anyway and. And#I....#...........im so tired.........#i can't do this much longer#i can't. i can't i can't i can't
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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i hate when i can feel things affecting me but i dont know what to do about it. i dont know what to use 2 counter it
#evils r getting to me n fucking with my brain so hard i just want to b free#every thought i have feels like someone elses#everything i do feels so boring#everything feels wrong#but i dont know why#i dont know how to stop it#i want to play a game but then i just get stuck . thinking#not moving#and then i close it#and try something else & repeat#and the whole time theres just an Ache in me#jerma aint helpin this time gamers o(-<#i need 2 change my brain its locked on the wrong setting but i dont know what to do#i dont know how this time#i am just so incredibly tired all the time#my eyes hurt#my body hurts#every emotion hurts#i cant even sleep i wake up constantly n roll over n over n over#im never comfortable#i hate my body#i feel it all the time#i dont know if its just the paranoia and i got good at ignoring it or if everyone is staring at me more#i dont want to be seen . every time i catch a reflection of myself it hurts#i dont even have a phone 2 take pictures or a scale so i cant tell if im changing#i feel stuck#and like the worst thing in the entire world#i just want to be good for something#i wish i could just have a job already i wish i could skip forward i dont know how to get there. im useless. i just want to offer something#im not good for anything im not capable of anything i should hav killed myself yrs ago. i never should have tricked myself into having hope
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#today was such a long fucking day and i was made so fucking uncomfortable i literally threatened to walk out of a fucking funeral#i got told im dressed inappropriately just because im perceived as a girl and i was wearing pants#PANTS.#theres no such thing as a funeral dress code that prevents me from wearing pants. people just didnt like it#i got told by two extended family members that i was inappropriate. and later also by my mom#who didnt say anything when they picked me up. it was fine by her at that time but later when others said it wasnt fine? yeah#im so fucking tired man#i know the extended half family doesnt like me ive always been a black sheep but this just. yeah#at a funeral no less#i dont want to see these people ever again im so fucking tired. i dont want to see anyone ever again tbh#just let me sleep forever and rot away please im tired#sorry my headache makes me angry and upset just. its all just so much#im just glad this whole hassle is over and i dont have to think about this anymore. but between all the stress and anxiety and grief#and everything else? yeah this. this aint it fam#im so mentally fucking shot i just want to sleep but my body is still kinda in a fight or flight mode with this and the grief its so hard#and my head hurts. so yeah. i dont fucking know#i just need someone to hold me before i combust#again sorry#night is an absolute mess on main
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grbrggbfrgbbffbrg
#wl26#hrng#feeling cute might never talk to anyone ever again#why do i alllllways say the wrong thing#or idk#one moment i have this one image of the world#and i think doing things in a certain way is correct#then i learn that apparently its wrong and you should communicate if youre unhappy about something#ans so i apply that to my life onward#and then like im sorry this happened but maybe next time tell me youre not ok with this#only to then be told that i shouldve known#and i guess i should have#but i didnt#because assuming is also wrong#because not everything is about me#so is there no way of doing anything right or am i just an asshole and a loser with memory so bad i cant recall what happened last week#did happen? did i just think about doing or saying it so hard that my brain registered it as a real action?#who fucking knows man#im so tired#i dont know#is there something wrong with me or am i jusy a jerk#am i just faking the whole neurodivergent shit so that i can make excuses for myself when someone gets hurt#is that all it is
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I ended up not sleeping at all
#i am so fucking tired#I just lay here all night#well its my fault i went crazy hard during my cardio and didnt stretch properly so my legs and everything really hurt lmao#i wanted to take painkillers earlier but idk if mixing painkillers and alcohol was a good idea so i didnt and now on the only day off i get#i didnt sleep a t al and its bright as fuck outside and i cant go to sleep when it’s bright fuuuuuuck#💀 guess i cant draw today bc i know ill just be sloppy about it and wont do a good job#its nearly 10 am impossible try sleep more#i took some painkillers half an hour ago and that helped finally im no longer squirming abt like a dumbfuxh
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ohh I do want to pass away why am I so stupid
#mine#🎸#why am i such a terrible person 😇 genuinely what the fuck#me when i want to cry and tear my skin off over a minor mistake ufhdshdjfjg can i stop being fucking stupid for once#crying over a mistake right NOW actually everything is so difficult i dont know what im supposed to do in these situations!!!!!!!#i get in trouble for not knowing what to do in social situations then i have to apologize and i didnt know THAT either.#bashing my head against the wall violence maiming killing death torture bloodletting slicing tearing defenestrating murdering annihilating#me anmd my epic autism powers. shouldnt i know better why csnt you understand!!! who is at fault here! i dont even know#ashshsjdksjfklsfke im wanna cry so hard everything sucks right now im too busy for this shit. for Emotions#why are you punishing me do you hate me?! did you never even like me at all are you trying to make me mad!!! why#im so tired and frustrated i want everything to go perfectly but its not nothing can be perfect in this terrible world he is going to hate#me now. hell why do i have urges like this it always ruins everything im being so selfish arent i aren't i arent i !!!!!!!! why cant we#be FUCKING compatible and perfect snd everything what is the problem am i the problem?!?? why cant you understsnd what im trying to tellyou#maybe it really would just be better if i died nothing good has happened or is going to happen to me since he probably hates me and#my life sucks!!!!! my face hurts from crying i cant cry properly it hurts it feels so hot why cant it end already!!!!!!! why cant#we be perfect like we are supposed to why cant you UNDERSTAND it seems easy to understand to ME whwueh i am mortified my throat hurts#my head hurts i hate this world why couldnt i resist why did i have to be vulnerable id be better off if. well i dont know#i do want to crush bones and flesh beneath my hands to be honest i dont KNOW i thought it was going well i thought it was good#the thread i am hanging on by is quite thin actually why do i care so much why do i care so little im going to explode right meow!!!#my mood is so ruined i dont know if im even used to this whole thing i cannot get in particular moods im so. rgrhrhggr none of this post#is going to make sense i just need to say words while crying then itll be fine probably#this is just another one of god's little tests i think that everyone will hate me no matter what in the end so i have to enjoy it while#it lasts. no matter how hard i try everything always ends up the same way. all this started because of my mistakes and itll end with them
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What a way to learn your ex coworker (one of your favorite ones too mind you) thinks everyone who says they're autistic is using it as an excuse for being rude to people
Like brother, people shouldn't HAVE to get diagnosed before you believe them (her actual words) getting diagnosed can actually be super harmful to the person being diagnosed, as it's often times used against us in various ways
Yes there are just shitty people in the world who WILL claim to be to cover up the fact that they're just shitty, but not EVERY person who says it does
#i will literally be the first to admit that i come off as a shitty person quite often/can be blunt more times than not#and once its pointed out to me i do apologize when necessary. its a thing ive got to learn to identify or try to avoid when possible#its never going to go away. thats not how it works#idk it just rubbed me the wrong way to hear her say that. feels like she thinks im just a shitty person#i dont even think she knows im autistic tbh and if thats the case im GLAD she doesnt know#idk a lot has happened recently in this specific vein of thought that just has me feeling exceptionally shitty about myself#like im doing my best with it and its still causing problems. its still hurting the people i care about. its fucking exhausting#and its incredibly frustrating. im literally trying SO HARD to be better and its not working out in a way thats ideal#and now everything just feels extra shitty#im so tired. thats all
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seems like we are at the crying part of the illness.
#we can postpone cjristmas#gonna talk in da tags for a bit because a post full of perosmal info feels so gross#ive been crying on and off for hours. km so upset being atuck in my fucking room with covid while nobody else is sick at all#and im glad nonody is sick im just so fucking lonely#started symptoms on friday#twsted neg fri and sat. didnt test sundah cause i dont have a lot. tested monday and was psorive#literally slept with my bf all of those nights#shared weed pen on sunday with ofher roommate#nobody else is sick#i just feel so sad and tired. im used to himan or cat affection daily and ive had none. i feel so lonley and trapped#i did everythjng right to avoid being sick and my bf was also with me that whole day and he didnt get sick#i feel stupid weak and pathetic for gettinf sixk. i dont have symptoms anymore but atill positive#im so fucking sad and i can hear people hanging out and they are havjng fun and im glad but im jealous#im so sad and lonely. i want to wrap things for christmas and do more stockjng sruffer shopping. i want to watch movjes with people#i love holidays because i love to hang out with my friends and i fucking cant amd today especially its really tearing me up#my bf is upset that im no communicating and hes trying to cheer me up but everything is making me misribke and i dont know how to stop it#i like to do things for people when theyre sick and i know everyone isnt like me but it hurts to not have that done for me#offering to order food is nice bjt j want skmething made for me but nkbody is as good as i am at making things and i dont want to ask#i dont want to bother people but im literally breakkng down today. cant atop fucjing crying and i feel weak and pathetic. stupid#i tried so hard not to get sick and they are saying o dont want to fucking do that#id rather everyone open stockjngs and do presents without me because im tired of not saying what i got people i want tk show people#i like wrapping gifts and nobody wants me to toich anything because of cocid so others are wrapping things from me for me#i dont know its all very stupid but i feel very alone but also dont want people joking at me to make me feel better. im just mad and sad#ok im done now:) ill post a drawing later#nap time#text
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Hmh.
#im ngl.#im so tired.#im so tired of everything.#im tired of work#im tired of being at home.#im tired of losing interest in my hobbies.#im tired of feeling so unmotivated to do anything to the point its affecting me being unable to eat.#im tired of hearing my stepdad yelling at my sisters and almost getting physical.#im tired of my stepdad dehumanizing me.#im tired of living.#everything is too much.#everything hurts so much every single fucking day and even when i try to distract myself with anything#it feels pointless.#is there seriously a point in living when all im doing is laying in bed all day listening to screaming? listening to constant arguments?#having every single little thing i do criticized?#down to what i fucking wear.#i try to act cheery at work and people get annoyed at me. I go all quiet instead to stop annoying everyone#and suddenly im having attitude with people#and then. I cant. Even talk to my friends anymore bc no one ever fucking stays#i have a few people who are constant in my life but theyre all younger than me and its so hard to Talk#without feeling like im baring my soul#im fucked. Im so fucked up. If i talk to anyone i feel like im tearing my own skin open#im only ok saying this shit here bc ik no one actually gives a shit abt my posts unless im talking abt certain ships#i dont know what to do anymore.#i want it all to end. I dont want to live like this. Im so numb all the time and i cant do shit#and its fucking stupid bc other people have it way worse than me.#i want to end it all. everyone irl and online would be better off without me.#i want to fucking dig a blade into my skin until i bleed out. I want to throw myself into the fucking lake near my place of living#i cant do this shit anymore i fucking csnt im not fucking strong enough#i cant fuvi h do it anymorw
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I'm not trying to be awful i just FEEL awful and my chest wont stop clamping around my heart and trying to KILL ME
#system babbles#i swear to god people around me always just fucking told me i was faking or overdramatic or whatever the fuck#but I'm trying so hard and that doesn't just MAKE me better. i dont just stop feeling sad and afraid and hurt#im hurting and im not accusing anyone of causing it because I am the one to bring a lot of the trouble around. but i just.i cant.i cant make#it stop. I can't. it's hurting right now and i cant breathe and i always just feel like crying and im sorry for that but god damn#as if every minute of every second isnt filled with “its gonna be okay. that's alright we'll work it out. it isnt like that” and#like other reassurances from headspace and elsewhere im just hurting. like maybe im broken then. fuck like.#god i hate getting like this because it just makes my self loathing burn so fucking hot and rampant.#what do i do to make it better. how could it possibly get better when im clearly not improving. i thought i was.#i really thought i was better but I'm hurtful and act careless and selfishly#I'm everything they fucking said i was and it doesn't feel like it's okay right now. i consistently feel like im in trouble#or like I'm about to say something to fuck everything up. I've never once thought low of the ones i love so much but i always get labeled#the villain#i always end up being some fucking abuser in their past. I don't want to be in the past. im so tired and im so tired of feeling sad#why is everything my fault. the blanket. the bills#the food. the car. the bed the medicine the anything else#i just contribute so little i feel like#and idk what to do with all the heavy in my chest because it just looks like a fucking toddler tantrum when it feels like#im facing the final boss of my mental illness and i do fear my health bar is extremely low#I'm trying. i really am I'm trying. I'm not just looking for reasons to be sad i swear to god im trying
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#what fucking day is it even#i can't keep track#everything hurts as always#could probably track my vent posts by the 'everything hurts' tag#im tired and scared and lonely and i need so much help but there's nobody who can help me damnit#and I've reached out so hard#I've run face first into my own limitations#I've pushed past them time and time again to try and ask for help#i can't do it anymore i just can't#i wish the dms i get from these helped i wish the hug emojis helped like they used to#but goddamnit i need physical assistance and there is nobody able to give it because everyone is busy and needs help too#everyone's life sucks#everyone is exhausted and ground down to nothing and busy as all hell#....so of course nobody can help me#its selfish of me to want it#......bbut damnit I've been so selfless all my life......#...can't i be selfish just once....?just a little.....
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#genuinely though i think i need to try and get (back) on medication for my chronic pain#the only reaso. i didnt when it was offered is bc the trwatment they wnated to use involved and ssri and i cant be#on an ssri without being on a mood stabilizer unless we want me to go into a mania#and the last time i was on a mood stabilizer i lost 15% of my body weight bc of how sick it made me and my gastrointestinal tract still#hasnt recovered from that even though its been 7 years atleast at this point#and 15% of your body mass is alot to fucking lose when you only weigh 112 pounds in the first place#ive also STILL not gained that weight back btw#i only weigh like 105#i feel like i look like a fucking victorian waif who needs to be sent to the seaside for their health#but atleast i dont weight 98 pounds anymore bc that was really scary actually#also and the main point of this all is that if i dont do something im going A flunk out of grad school and B possibly killmyself#bc my mental health is actially so bad right now. my suicidal ideation is the worst its been since my early 20s#lile there is a part of my brain that actively wants to die bc then everything would stop hurting and bc im so tired and i just want to rest#but also i dont want to die actually im just tired and afraid#but my brain is trying to kill me#and ive had the strong urge to start self harming again after being clean of it again since my early 20s#like ive caught myself ruminating on it on how much i want it#both selfharm and death and thats so fucking scary bc ive fought so hard to not do either of those things#ive been clean of self harm since i was 21 thats 7 years and the last time i caught myself actively thinking about sucide or selfharm#was in 2020 during covid lockdown bc i was fucking trapped in a house with my ex who didnt give a shit about my psychosis or its triggers#or even my life apparently bc i begged him to lock up his guns during one of the worst episodes i had during lockdown bc my brain was#telling me to kill myself and he didnt just moved them to a shelf kinda out of the way but still easily accessible
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i know its my own fault i'm in this situation but i'd really love if people could stop reminding me of that every time i try and ask for help to get out of this situation and get better and stop it from happening again. no one wants to acknowledge that hey maybe the guy who got to such a mental low point that he attempted suicide isn't actually just magically doing okay when he's got no one IRL to support him and that frequently being reminded of the fact that he repeatedly fucked up massively and that he has been asked to move out ASAP when he is already incredibly fucking sorry and working on addressing things and doing everything he fucking can to try and move out within a month without also jeopardising his healthcare and his longer term housing options. like sorry i already know ive hurt people and i feel incredibly fucking bad about it but im doing my best to stop it from happening again and shoving all my other shit aside so that I can do all the things I need to do to move out ASAP and i do not appreciate the constant insinuation that im not doing enough, especially right after i've talked about how much i'm struggling in all of this. If it was within my power how long things take I would not still be in this house, hell if it was within my power I wouldn't have had any of this happen, but it happened and everyone is all dealing with the consequences and just because it's my fault doesn't mean I chose for this to happen or that I can't also be struggling and it sucks when the one person in all of this who will even talk to me just constantly puts me down and then tries to suggest they're being compassionate for talking to me at all when I never asked for them to be the middle man and I'd actually be doing much better and probably able to make a lot more progress if on top of all the shit I'm dealing with I didn't have them there to remind me of things I already am all too aware of.
#ash rambles#vent#personal#rant#frankly i wish i could just attempt again and actually succeed this time#bc its been made blatantly clear that people don't want me around and they'd be better off without me#but i dont have access to any fucking feasible means with a high enough probability of a successful attempt to make it worthwhile#so im doing my damnedest to just fight my way through this and im so scared and alone#and no one other than a few online friends and my NHS mental health guy have been able to recognise just how hard im working myself#like idk man im fucking tired and suicidal and i dont really have a reason to live but im doing it all anyway so as not to cause more hurt#and yet im still the bad guy and will forever be treated like the bad guy when i just want to get better#but its whatever i guess. as long as everyone else gets their happily ever after at once im gone.#maybe then i can lie down and think about everything without wishing id died.
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⛈️ ❌ ❌ ❌ // 2:09 am, tbd ;
#this is a fucking vent so just gnore the venty ass tags but i have nowhere else to place this that feels safe other than just.#shouting into a void where no one hears. aka here ig.#bc its better i shout into a void alone than drag others down with me somehow—i dont. know#regardless… i’m just… i dont know what to think.#things are really bad lately & i’m struggling again to stop myself from sh utting down every time i try being vulnerable & opening up.#i keep clamming up & letting my mind take the reins when it tells me to just erase anything i say. to not open up.#to swallow every single emotion & experience that’s hurting me & let that poison kill me slowly instead. deal with it alone#because it feels like its wrong to open up. like its wrong to say anything. like me being open is just.#me being a fucking burden or something. i don’t know. i shouldn’t be like this. i’m supposed to be fucking better than t his.#what the fuck happened to the version of myself that could just keep suppressing & suppressing & not being a goddamn thorn in ppl’s sides.#esp bc all the things i’m having a difficult / painful time with is all fucking trigger heavy shit or things that i just don’t.#fucking know what to do with anymore because its not shit within my control.#a lot of it’s shit im still just processing that has hurt a lot & havingg to cope w that grief alone.#but then there’s also other circumtances too that are hard to navigate & my BPD having a field day w me in recent history too#i don’t know what the fuck is wrong w me at this point. & im scared & i can’t stand being fucking alone in this shit yet.#i feel like i have to. i have to. i have to. beccause this is my own issue & to dare express anything is me just. using ppl isn’t it.#that’s all it is right. & besides how many times has it been proven that ppl get sick of me for not being okay.#how many times have ppl walked away because they realize im just some fucking deadweight emotionally or something. id on’t fucking know.#am i spiraling? who fucking knows! maybe! because im fucking tired of what my life has been in general & im. overwhelmed.#overwhelmed by existence itself i fucking guess & what its meant for me overwhelmed by expectations overwhelmed by vulnerability thats just.#bleeding out through the fucking cracks of this fucking mess of a person i am.#& constantly fucking afraid that im just. too much. too much. too much for anyone.#too emotional in fucking general too intense too overwhelming for others regardless if its overwhelming them via pos or neg emotions.#afraid im going to get discarded afraid of what’s to come afraid in fucking general. fear & grief & pain & rage & hatred &.#desperation to feel anything other than this & desperation to feel loved thats got me having rly foul compulsions too#all my emotions feel like some kind of fuckihng hairtrigger & its hard to stop it in fucking general. i dont fucking know. & like i said it.#feels like shit to deal with completely alone. not bc i wanna deal with alone but bc i /have/ to bc if i dont then im just. a problem. or.#i dont know. im tired of everything tired of my emotions tired of this life tired of all that ive had to face up til this point & tired of.#fear & idk how to handle things alone anymore. my friends deserve better than this emotional burden i am to be around ig.#it feels so much like i have to apologize to those i befriend for being. well. this. for all of me & for being ‘too much’ in general.
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:^[
#i started my new job on monday#and its rlly rlly hard#all i can think the last couple days is im not cut out for it#and that i made a mistake by agreeing to it and possibly to my degree as a whole#i haven't been able to sit down for more than 5 minutes the whole shift#which i am not dumb shouldnt be so hard but im also fat rn so that does make my feet hurt so bad its lowkey all i can feel physically#and i get asked like . 100+ questions a day (i do not even think that's exaggerating)#and its a LOT to learn all this new stuff about all these new clients and like . they have rlly high needs so its important that like#if no one else understands at least i do bc im like. their point person#and im qualified to do the job. if not more so than all my coworkers : /#but i have left each day barely even understanding everything that happened that day. It FLIES by because there is not a dull moment#and when there is so far its been actually a Problem i need to address making it dull that i am not immediately aware of#im sure itll even out in the coming days but like : ((((((( this is VERY hard for me and i feel like i cant convey that well#bc logically i should be good at it so i must just be being dramatic or smthn idk#and i feel like i cant talk to my friends lately bc idk that feels rlly hard#but its not like i rlly have the time to its just rlly sad#im up too late but im not even tired enough to sleep im just really sad and overwhelmed and i wish i could just like . explode briefly#just till its over or normal#fucking. wretched man idk like its jjust a lot : ((((((#i wish i could communicate that effectively so the bigness of it would come across#delete later
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