#it feels pointless.
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Hm.
#I still don't know.#It feels pointless.#But there's no real reason NOT to.#Maybe this is where I'm going wrong.#I keep looking for meanings.#When I shouldn't be.#Because sometimes there just isn't a meaning.#Is there?#Tua rp#Tua rp blog#Five Has An Existential Crisis
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Hmh.
#im ngl.#im so tired.#im so tired of everything.#im tired of work#im tired of being at home.#im tired of losing interest in my hobbies.#im tired of feeling so unmotivated to do anything to the point its affecting me being unable to eat.#im tired of hearing my stepdad yelling at my sisters and almost getting physical.#im tired of my stepdad dehumanizing me.#im tired of living.#everything is too much.#everything hurts so much every single fucking day and even when i try to distract myself with anything#it feels pointless.#is there seriously a point in living when all im doing is laying in bed all day listening to screaming? listening to constant arguments?#having every single little thing i do criticized?#down to what i fucking wear.#i try to act cheery at work and people get annoyed at me. I go all quiet instead to stop annoying everyone#and suddenly im having attitude with people#and then. I cant. Even talk to my friends anymore bc no one ever fucking stays#i have a few people who are constant in my life but theyre all younger than me and its so hard to Talk#without feeling like im baring my soul#im fucked. Im so fucked up. If i talk to anyone i feel like im tearing my own skin open#im only ok saying this shit here bc ik no one actually gives a shit abt my posts unless im talking abt certain ships#i dont know what to do anymore.#i want it all to end. I dont want to live like this. Im so numb all the time and i cant do shit#and its fucking stupid bc other people have it way worse than me.#i want to end it all. everyone irl and online would be better off without me.#i want to fucking dig a blade into my skin until i bleed out. I want to throw myself into the fucking lake near my place of living#i cant do this shit anymore i fucking csnt im not fucking strong enough#i cant fuvi h do it anymorw
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*jigsaw voice* hello tumblr user who likes analyzing characters. in front of you is a female character from a media you enjoy. you must make one meta post about her without mentioning any male characters or assigning her any non-canonical familial roles. you also have to list at least three traits of hers that she actually has in canon. if any of those traits are “nice” or “kind” or “caring” i release the hounds
#pointless bitching#sighs. the torment nexus#notice: the intent of this post is not to make anyone feel bad about doing these things but rather to express frustration with these trends
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i think what people tend to forget is that laughing at modern art also counts as having a dialogue with it. like as long as you're respectful of the museum space and whatnot. you are under no obligation to take any of it seriously. when i go to a modern art museum I do engage with every piece and read the blurb and think deeply/discuss its intention and its execution but it doesnt stop me from having a giggle at the ones i think are stupid. often the artist is equally aware that it may be stupid. sometimes that's the point also. it's fun!
#ppl who dont like modern art sometimes seem under the impression that like#every modern artist demands you take their works super seriously because its ART#but being free to engage w it how you wish is often the whole point and you arent disrespecting art for having your own feelings about it#unless youre one of the ppl entirely writign it off as pointless
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It really boggles my mind when I’m just enjoying myself, doing anything, and suddenly I’m stripped of any appreciation for anything and anyone. It’s like flipping a switch, I feel the shift by how hard it contrasts from how I felt seconds ago
#I'll be enjoying my music or my game and all of a sudden... it's gone#It feels pointless.#And if it's a person the thought process is 'this person means nothing to me at all' and that's a lie!!#The spell will pass and I'll appreciate that person again. The change was UNPROMPTED
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tbh as much as i do think it is worthwhile to discuss the topic of shipping aromantic/asexual characters and the nuances of it all (as well as the general attitude allos have towards aspecs in fandom spaces). it also makes me sigh equally because like... what characters. i'll be real guys we don't even have characters to discourse over. literally there are like 3 ever and none of those have fandoms anyway and the ones which do are like 'it was confirmed on twitter in a nebulously worded post by the creator'. its so bad out here
#aromantic#asexual#re my prev post#i pray 4 the day that i can discourse over aro character shipping without it all feeling a bit pointless because its not even confirmed to#be Real. whatever#aroace#aspec#honestly i totally get why its natural to feel so protective of those half confirmed aspec characters though. because we literally get#so little that anything has to be a Win. but we should not be living like this... we deserve better... guys...#mossy posts
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honestly just in general it's very exhausting to try to analyze media that is literally meant to be analyzed, only for the replies to be filled with people arguing not against your analysis, but against the premise that the media can be analyzed at all.
i don't even know what to say about it without starting to really betray my frustration, so i'll just settle with— just don't engage with analysis posts? I'm serious. if you're typing a response to a media analysis post, reread what you've written and ask yourself "is this comment/response against the very concept of analyzing the media at all?" and if the answer is yes then delete it all and go sit in the shame corner. throw your curtains away if you want to so bad and stop telling me that I'm not allowed to hum and haw at the fact mine are blue
#ml fandom salt#I suppose#and no amount of adding ''stop telling me to not analyze the media'' on my analysis posts stops people from saying it anyway#and yes. the leaks count. stop telling me that the existence of outdated leaks invalidates all analyses of the completed material#and no. just like every other time i've said this. me saying that i don't care about the leaks is not an invitation for you to try to#convince me to care about the leaks#do i tag this spoilers? it feels weird to. i mean this to be a vague overarching thing about media in general#also of course any ''or maybe the writers are just bad'' arguments ALSO are included in this. YOU guys have been my bane since FOREVER#would you guys consider commenting on fanart with ''umm.... drawing seems pretty pointless lmao'' rude?#i know this is not the first time i've made a post like this and i'm sure it won't be the last
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Getting a suspicion this book isn't very good
Lightlark3 is somehow. How do I put this. Worse. The prose is really, really bad, and Aster operates on a baseline of having 'pretty bad prose'
Gee, I wonder if writing and releasing skyshade, plus writing her new adult book, plus a new bonus lightlark book and the 4th due next year... might be resulting in even less editing?
#Lightlark#Skyshade#Spoilers?#I'm like halfway. The plot is also just EXACTLY as you would suspect.#Aka more fetch questing and useless revelations and retcons and constant flipflopping#Isla does not THINK except she constantly fills pages with her angsting fliflopping feelings. But she never thinks about what people say#They mention something insane she only asks pointless questions. Like she's never sat grim down and gone "what do you know of the otherwor#Like JUST ASK SOMEONE? RESEARCH??
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so why is Luka obsessed with Hyuna anyway?
(mostly just trying to get my thoughts on Luka down before blink gone rewires my brain)
every pet human is extremely limited in freedom, but Luka's case is definitely the worst literally even his birth was by Heperu's design... he can't control any aspect of his own life, from his participation of ALNST (twice!) to what he eats on a daily basis
*translations all by whatafruit
humans have no power over segyein, and Luka doesn't even have any power over own his own body so what can he have power over, then?
other humans, of course
most obvious in round 5: Luka would've had an easy win even if he barely tried, but he goes out of his way to provoke Mizi anyway until she finally snaps... and he smiles as he's beaten
because this is his "power." he successfully manipulated Mizi into reacting, proving he has some control over the situation no matter how pointless it is in the grand scheme of things, this is all he can influence, so he makes the absolute most of it and this control is so important to him he doesn't care about his own physical injuries
it's Hyuna talking in this comic, but clearly reflecting Luka's own mentality
while for Hyuna it's likely just her love for singing and performing (whatever happens, they can't take this away from her) for Luka I imagine it's the ability to influence others from the stage (crushing his opponents, but also shaping his fanbase?)
...so back to Luka -> Hyuna
it’s mentioned more than a few times that Hyuna’s a really talented performer, but seeing their respective stat pages really drives it in
(think the “superiority test” Hyuna was put through relates to this also)
Hyuna doesn't seem to have been created in any special way like Luka was… she just has a natural affinity to performing. and that's enough that she’s considered a real rival to Luka—Luka, who was literally made for this, and put through constant hellish training on top (the pain of having your heart stopped...) to mold him into the perfect idol
to Luka… if he can’t dominate Hyuna, he can't even take pride in his own ability (that everything he's forced to go through amounts to something?). and power over other humans is all he has, so he needs to overpower Hyuna (also he likely admires Hyuna’s talents at the same time, which just adds to his twisted feelings)
so since his ability isn't enough... by making someone think of you, only you… that’s another way of having power over someone, isn’t it
“your life is mine” “I told you I only wanted one thing”
whatever exactly happened with Hyunwoo… well that certainly worked. both removing Hyuna's most important person and making Luka someone she can't not think of (oh and he doesn't seem particularly interested in Hyunwoo despite how similar the siblings are in personality? Hyunwoo was even the first to approach Luka, not Hyuna so it's likely because he doesn't have his sister's talents)
but you know how his intimacy(?) value for her is only 70% I figure that's because she escaped, so they could never actually face off onstage... maybe he's disappointed in her "wasting" her ability
what all this amounts to is that she did end up escaping his control, and he never even got to compete against her. so until he can somehow completely overpower her, he'll be obsessed with her
I wonder if this represents his final effort to that... ultimately, he values control over his own well-being, so if he can goad Hyuna into killing him, then doesn't that cement his power over her?
and maybe "saves" him from this hellish life too
kind of a tangent, but I really like how their designs contrast this dynamic Luka looks really angelic and androgynous, so from appearance he seems fragile and like someone to be protected (which even Hyuna seemed to be tricked by when they were younger) and Hyuna obviously looks the stronger one in comparison (very #girlboss (lol...))
but their relationship is one where Luka's trying to control her and Hyuna's trying to escape it... that "beautiful lady" line of ruler of my heart always felt somewhat uncomfortable, and then learning it's actually pitiful (가련한) instead of beautiful is... ...it's a very gendered dynamic, if you get what I mean. despite their surface-level appearances going against what's considered typical
#feel free to send me asks to argue btw#im being completely serious here i wanna discuss alnst oTL#alien stage#alnst#alnst luka#alnst hyuna#hyuluka#well it's... about their relationship...#im not going to try to make sense of his relationship chart comment bc my only reaction is 'is he stupid'#ndfgkd#but the artbook rly has a lot#i can't think of round 5 without thinking of rgu so that probably influences my view of luka too...#btw you're lucky im stopping myself here and not going into some excessively pointless tangent#about how he compares and contrasts with ivan#i can make posts without talking about ivan i prommy#'but you're talking about him now' tags don't count#if you somehow got all the way down here can u listen to 'do you want to fight me' by venus hum#why mention that on this post specifically? if u listen you'll understand trust me
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apropos of nothing, here are some gay historical fiction novels that engage with historical queerness in thoughtful, complex, and interesting ways (organized chronologically)
hild by nicola griffith ↪ early 7th century england
a tip for the hangman by alison epstein ↪ 1585-1593 england
confessions of the fox by jordy rosenberg ↪ 1702-1724* england
the confessions of frannie langton by sara collins ↪ 1812-1826 jamaica to england
patience and sarah by isabel miller ↪ 1816 america
devotion by hannah kent ↪ 1830s prussia to australia
the sweetness of water by nathan harris ↪ 1865 america
whiskey when we're dry by john larison ↪ 1885 america
the city of palaces by michael nava ↪ 1897-1913 mexico
tipping the velvet by sarah waters ↪ 1890s england
at swim, two boys by jamie o'neill ↪ 1915-1916 ireland
the gods of tango by caro de robertis ↪ 1913-1920s argentina
uncommon charm by emily bergslien and kat weaver ↪ 1920s america
the book of salt by monique truong ↪ 1930s vietnam to paris
the amazing adventures of kavalier and clay by michael chabon ↪ 1939-1954 america and beyond
the flight portfolio by julie orringer ↪ 1940 france
the savage kind by john copenhaver ↪ 1940s america
a thin bright line by lucy jane bledsoe ↪ 1950s america
*this one has a framing device and footnotes from the present day but the bulk of the story is set in the early 1700s
#lit#queer lit#this is a pointless text post#this is in no way comprehensive. i have read much more queer historical fiction and i will continue to read it#anyway one of the books on this list i did not really like and it's up to YOU the reader to figure out which one using clues from my blog#i didn't want to be like x character with y identity bc i don't think it's a meaningful way to interact w fiction ESPECIALLY histfic#as always feel free to slither into my dms if you want recs/have questions/comments/complaints
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these two were the best part of the event for me
#reverse 1999#blonney#changeling#or jessica and jennifer i guess#but i feel like putting those names in the tags is kind of pointless#i also loved tooth fairy
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sunstone..? perhaps???
anon ur so real for this... they're my faves since i first played rw
havent drawn them in a loong time though so i doodled these real quick :^)
#rain world#five pebbles#seven red suns#rw sunstone#my art#also to clarify because im annoying and love overexplaining things ☝️🤓#the quote on the second pic is supposed to summarize their feelings towards the great task#and each other too of course#in that theyre kinda right to feel isolated because a lot of other iterators dont talk about this feeling of pointlessness#but theyre still being a tad pretentious here#just because people dont talk about their struggles doesnt mean theyre not struggling!#suns does understand this to a degree#but still#so much of their dialogue reads like a “you're the only one who gets me” kinda thing#okay ill stop rambling#ill never get over these two
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what was the point of lila thinking home was a feeling she didn't deserve and could never earn until she found diego. what was the point of them finding deep, meaningful love in each other. what was the point of lila opening her heart and confessing that all she really wanted was a family with him.
what was the point of developing diego and lila over two seasons, creating such a beautiful, chaotic bond, just to destroy it for no reason.
#the umbrella academy#diego x lila#lila pitts#diego hargreeves#what was the point!!!!!!#isn't it great when there's no character resolution and everyone just gets erased from existence#instead of giving us emotional closure they just added more pain and trauma and called it a day#what was it all for exactly. to give the handler a peaceful happy life of all people#don't even get me started on the bracelet or that awful pointless love triangle#steve blackman is gross and so is the way he talks about lila like she's not even a character in her own right but just an afterthought#someone who was there to pair with five while diminishing all that she is#five needed a love story so they just shoved lila into that role as if she were some random accessory to five's story#rather than her own character with thoughts and feelings#a woman's entire character arc is ruined just to give a guy a love interest#i feel sick#i've already mentioned some of this on twitter but whatever#as you can probably guess i'm not going to gif this so-called new season#lila deserved better. diego deserved better. we deserved better
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saw this post and went ''i have to draw this.''
#look at him. small thing.#also i would like to formally thank 2bdamned my beloved for ending my depression#literally havent been able to draw aside from practice for about half a year. routine is killing me. art feels so pointless...#anyways tag time#2bdamned#madness combat#art#hyponauticart#madcom
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noticably had anaphylaxis yesterday for the first time (thanks Joy for helping me know how to recognize this, it is more than any medical professional has literally EVER DONE) and just found out that the medication my doctor refused to refill last month because he claims that I haven't been into the clinic recently enough (a drug that is extremely safe that I have been on for over a decade) (also HE was a no show at our last appointment, NOT ME) is a mast cell stabilizer. lmfao. oh my god the sheer undiluted rage in my whole body right now. bro you could have killed me
#sick#I feel like healthy people have no concept of how often medical professionals are just doing shit#to be controlling and pointless and thoughtless#that have enormous fucking impacts on their patients. and they do not care they just don't. give. one single fuck!#the massive impacts of medical negligence are like. a hyperobject. to me#like I cannot even back up far enough to see the whole thing.#i want to KILL
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