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#shouting into a void where no one hears. aka here ig.
celestialmancer
·
2 months
Text
⛈️ ❌ ❌ ❌ // 2:09 am, tbd ;
#this is a fucking vent so just gnore the venty ass tags but i have nowhere else to place this that feels safe other than just.
#shouting into a void where no one hears. aka here ig.
#bc its better i shout into a void alone than drag others down with me somehow—i dont. know
#regardless… i’m just… i dont know what to think.
#things are really bad lately & i’m struggling again to stop myself from sh utting down every time i try being vulnerable & opening up.
#i keep clamming up & letting my mind take the reins when it tells me to just erase anything i say. to not open up.
#to swallow every single emotion & experience that’s hurting me & let that poison kill me slowly instead. deal with it alone
#because it feels like its wrong to open up. like its wrong to say anything. like me being open is just.
#me being a fucking burden or something. i don’t know. i shouldn’t be like this. i’m supposed to be fucking better than t his.
#what the fuck happened to the version of myself that could just keep suppressing & suppressing & not being a goddamn thorn in ppl’s sides.
#esp bc all the things i’m having a difficult / painful time with is all fucking trigger heavy shit or things that i just don’t.
#fucking know what to do with anymore because its not shit within my control.
#a lot of it’s shit im still just processing that has hurt a lot & havingg to cope w that grief alone.
#but then there’s also other circumtances too that are hard to navigate & my BPD having a field day w me in recent history too
#i don’t know what the fuck is wrong w me at this point. & im scared & i can’t stand being fucking alone in this shit yet.
#i feel like i have to. i have to. i have to. beccause this is my own issue & to dare express anything is me just. using ppl isn’t it.
#that’s all it is right. & besides how many times has it been proven that ppl get sick of me for not being okay.
#how many times have ppl walked away because they realize im just some fucking deadweight emotionally or something. id on’t fucking know.
#am i spiraling? who fucking knows! maybe! because im fucking tired of what my life has been in general & im. overwhelmed.
#overwhelmed by existence itself i fucking guess & what its meant for me overwhelmed by expectations overwhelmed by vulnerability thats just.
#bleeding out through the fucking cracks of this fucking mess of a person i am.
#& constantly fucking afraid that im just. too much. too much. too much for anyone.
#too emotional in fucking general too intense too overwhelming for others regardless if its overwhelming them via pos or neg emotions.
#afraid im going to get discarded afraid of what’s to come afraid in fucking general. fear & grief & pain & rage & hatred &.
#desperation to feel anything other than this & desperation to feel loved thats got me having rly foul compulsions too
#all my emotions feel like some kind of fuckihng hairtrigger & its hard to stop it in fucking general. i dont fucking know. & like i said it.
#feels like shit to deal with completely alone. not bc i wanna deal with alone but bc i /have/ to bc if i dont then im just. a problem. or.
#i dont know. im tired of everything tired of my emotions tired of this life tired of all that ive had to face up til this point & tired of.
#fear & idk how to handle things alone anymore. my friends deserve better than this emotional burden i am to be around ig.
#it feels so much like i have to apologize to those i befriend for being. well. this. for all of me & for being ‘too much’ in general.
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