doodleoogles

[doodleoogles]

"Who knows, maybe you'll get laid tonight." Vic tapped me hard on the shoulder, making a ripple on the drink I was holding. We are seated inside a dinky bar where my friend's band is playing.

I ignored him, my gaze is fixed to the woman sitting across our table, looking detached and bored while several guy friends are horse playing near her.

"Oh boy, that smitten look. Go ahead and approach her, I can manage drinking alone." Vic said, nodding his head towards her direction.

I shrugged, put down my drink and started walking towards her. Given the bar's small floor area, it only took me a few steps to reach her. She sat lazily at the tall bar stool, her face lit up when she saw me, "Hey, what time did you arrive?" I asked.

She thought for a moment, tilting her head sideways. Some strands of hair fell on her face and I fought the urge to gently tuck them back behind her ear. "About an hour ago, I think." she finally answered, reaching behind her to grab an opened beer from the bucket at the table, "Happy hour begins." she said, handing the bottle to me.

I took it and put it back in the bucket. "You're drunk, let's just get something to eat instead." I held out a hand to help her stand.

She looked at me with her bright big brown eyes and I didn't realize I was holding my breath. She took my hand but instead of standing up, she pulled it towards her back and wrapped her arms around my neck. I felt like my lungs would burst, I could only look at her face, mesmerized by every detail of it. She's flushed from drinking, her hair was a bit messy due to the floor mounted air conditioning blowing the opposite direction but she looked breathtaking nevertheless. She put on a light gray make up on her round eyes, that were further emphasized by her long eyelashes, her lips are tainted with a faint pink gloss and slightly moist from the beer she was drinking.

She's teasing me and it's working so damn well, I had to forcefully restrain myself from kissing her right then and there. "Sounds like a good idea, where do we eat?" she asked, still looking up at me.

I gently planted a kiss on her forehead, "Soup? You need to sober up." I helped her get up from the chair and led her outside.

She stretched out her arms the moment we stepped out of the bar. I fished out my car keys and pulled her closer as we walk. She was half walking and half hopping, like a kid trying to play with imaginary signs on the pavement. "Could you stay still? You make me dizzy." I commanded, trying to steady her into walking.

"Dizzy? But you're not drunk.." she said with a pout.

"You give me headache." I playfully said, pretending to rub a finger on my temple.

She eyed me curiously, "Well if that's true, I'm the good kind of headache."

I laughed, "No such thing." I clicked a button in the keys to unlock the car doors. She scrambled to get inside the passenger seat. I poked my head in and helped her with the seatbelt, it's a bit faulty and I still haven't gotten around to getting it fixed.

I clicked the lock into place and looked at her, "There, now stay quiet and we'll get something to eat."

She was smiling, her eyes glowing and reflecting the light from the neon sign across the street. "Okay."

I pat her head gently before taking my place in the driver's seat. I clicked on the maps icon on my phone and searched for nearby restaurants. I found one that offers different kinds of noodle dishes, "Noodles, yay or nyay?" I glanced to find she has fallen asleep. Her head is resting on the car door, her right hand tucked to her side while the other lay limped near the gear stick. I pulled her to me so that her head rests on my shoulder instead. I locked the car doors, turned the music on and wondered if anything else could be more perfect than this.

[doodleoogles]

[doodleoogles]

Reconnect - Part 3

Al clumsily sunk on the backseat of Brent's car, "I'm so full, I want to sleep now…" he tried to mumbled, but it's still loud enough for us to hear.

I sat on the passenger seat and tugged at the seatbelt. It won't budge so I pulled harder.

Brent smiled apologetically, "I plan to get that fixed soon." A car passed by on the opposite highway, its' headlights casted a glow inside the car and I noticed the soft features of his face.

I looked away, "It's fine, I can manage." the seatbelt finally slid into place and I buckled up.

"Where are we????" Al blurted out, I looked behind me and saw him rubbing his head, eyes closed.

"Let's drop him off first." Brent said, switching the gear into drive "Then tell me where I should drop you off."

The thought of being alone with him in his car is making me lose focus for some reason. It should be a normal car ride at 1AM, we haven't seen each other in awhile so we should simply catch up as any normal friends would. So why is my brain getting all hazy? I looked outside instead, watching the empty streets of the metro.

"You know what?? Why don't you just take her home with you Brent?" Al said loudly from the backseat. "Go ahead, bring her home."

"Jesus, Al. You're drunk as fuck tonight." he didn't budge at Al's outburst. He looked relaxed as he navigated the road.

After a few minutes, he pulled over in front of a tall white gate which I assumed is Al's house. Al, as clumsily as he got inside the car, got out exactly the same way. He wiped invisible dusts at the side of his pants, flashed a wide grin at us and did a salute before running towards the gate of his house.

"You know what," Brent said, checking his phone quickly before returning his eyes on the road, "I still wanna grab a few drinks, what say you? I don't usually drink a lot when I have to drive. There's Al to consider, he's like my unofficial boyfriend every damn time we go out."

"True, you've been having way too many bromance dates with him." I looked at my watch, 1:48AM, "I don't mind, I didn't drink much either."

He googled a convenience store nearby and drove towards it. We parked and I got out of the car. He gave me a couple of bills so I can get some drinks while he do his business at the public restroom beside the store. When I went back outside, he's checking his phone while leaning on the hood of his car. He returned the phone to his pocket when he noticed me striding towards him.

"I think this is the part where we catch up?" I asked, handing him his beer.

We talked for more than an hour. I didn't realize how much has happened to our own lives before today. He's one of the few people I know who has a laudable outlook in life and relationships. Hell, there was even a time in my life where I cried my eyes out to him when I was stupid enough to fall for a married man. He's a good listener, gave very sound advices, and never once tried to take advantage of my vulnerable state. The "kinda hook up" happened long after that, when I was all better. I didn't realize how mature he really is, and it makes me wonder why someone like him would still be single. He probably have as much issues as I do.

"You should come tomorrow," he said as I was grabbing my phone to book a ride home. He offered to drive me home but I refused. I can't be close enough like that.

I wrinkled my nose, "I will think about it. I'm really enjoying this new aunt mode where I spend my evenings reading a good e-book then relaxing with some cucumber in my eyes."

He held my hand, "It's an event for a cause. Come on."

I dismissed the thought of how soft his hand felt, but I didn't pull my hand away, "I said I will think about it, Okay?"

"Good enough." he let my hand go, came to my side and hugged me from that angle. He gently pulled me close and run his hand across my waist before wrapping me in a tight hug. He burrowed his face in my hair and I slightly tilted closer to him. My phone vibrated in my other hand, thank God I was saved by the notification.

"I gotta go." I peeled myself away. I watched as the driver entered the empty parking lot where we stood a few meters away. I glanced back at him and noticed his gaze is still fixed on my face. I leaned forward for another hug before leaving. He whispered something I couldn't clearly understand but it sounded something like an empty meaningless "love ya."

Somehow I felt like I am very close to making shitty decisions once again. I better have more control on this. "It should be easy," I thought before opening my phone when I got home around 3:30AM. Instead of trying to sleep, I scrolled through our messages, trying to recall why the hell did we never work out.

[doodleoogles]

Reconnect - Part 2

We all sat at a long table outside, trying to give our ears a break and chatting different topics all at once. I listened intently while drawing circles on the table using the half empty beer bottle in my hand.

"Oh you remember Bry right?" Josef, the large man who gave big bear hugs nodded at me.

"Ah yes absolutely, how's he? Where is he now?" I asked.

Josef waved a hand, "Nahh I don't know somewhere in Cambodia or Thailand honestly he's everywhere and nowhere at the same time" he took a sip from his diet Coke, he quit drinking one year ago. "But, if you'll ask him to come over, I'm sure he'll book the first flight he can find. That guy…"

I finished my beer and set the bottle aside, "What?"

"Ahhh, let's just say.. Trust me he'll come to the Philippines just for you." he's smiling genuinely and I smiled back. I leave it at that. Bry and I never talk, although we had this friendly connection when I met him and Josef almost 5 years ago. It's quite nice to know people appreciate me, another subtle stroke on my ego.

I saw Brent stood up from where he was seated. He tapped his bandmate's shoulder and walked towards our table. He plopped himself down beside me. "So, what made you decide to finally show up?"

I turned to face him, "I already told you, I need to see the venue. And besides I haven't seen you guys in quite some time."

"Cause you're always busy!" he said, raising his hand up as a waiter walks by. "Two beers please"

I laughed, "I just prefer to stay at home and read e-books then sleep early with a cucumber on both eyes. I'm getting old, my body is starting to protest when I try to go out and stay up late." I waved a finger at him, "and besides, look who's talking! I thought you're too damn busy now with your newfound love."

The waiter came back with two ice cold beers. Brent mouthed 'Thanks', and gave one to me. "Ah that." he scoffed. "Well let's just say I'm free and I have time. Hit me up, we have a lot of catching up to do."

I looked at his face, "Ohh, I didn't know."

He met my gaze, looking somewhat serious or maybe I was slightly getting drunk "Yeah, you never knew how to read between the lines."

I felt my face flush, and I focused on the beer in my hand like it's the thing that deserved the most attention tonight. For context, Brent and kinda hooked up not so long ago. It wasn't bad but it wasn't good either and we both concluded that we're better off as friends. He was happy when I finally had a serious relationship, and I was happy for him when he announced a few months ago that he's seeing someone.

The conversation swerved to a different topic and Brent happily joined them. I was only half listening as my mind replayed the time I had with Brent. He was a good kisser, from what I can remember. His tongue explored my mouth like his life depended on it. I remember grasping his long hair with one hand while the other held on to his arm, feeling the softness of his skin which is quite unusual for a guy who don't seem to care about moisturizers.

"You up for it?" Brent asked me, snapping my mind back to the table with them.

I drank from my bottle before speaking, "Up for what?"

"Let's find some good food later. Are you even with us????" he teased.

I slapped him purposely "Fine fine, yes I'm going."

"Then I can drop you off later." he casually said.

"OK." I responded, taking a quick glance at his lips. He has a very defined cupid's bow. I wonder if they still taste the same. God.

[doodleoogles]

Reconnect - Part 1

He stumbled out of the bar, dragging someone with him. They looked like they had a few drinks already, which made me glance at my digital wristwatch, the white numbers blinked 7:48PM. I put both hands on my hips and raised my eyebrows as I walked towards them.

Brent saw me first, looking surprised. "Ahh look who we have here!" he grinned, nudging at the tall guy he was dragging along.

I rolled my eyes, "Hey Al" I said to the taller guy before turning back to him, "Hi Brent, I told you I was coming. You should believe me next time."

"Really good to see you, uh huh yeah been awhile ye?" Brent garbled, pulling me close for a quick hug.

"It's too early to get drunk bruh, I just arrived!" I gently push him away, pouting.

He laughed, "Hey, we've been drinking on the way here.. Anyway, I'll get something in my car, go get yourself comfortable inside. We'll be back in a jiffy."

I shrugged and made my way inside the bar. I glide past a couple of wooden chairs and tables where usual customers dine. Some familiar faces kept popping up and I had to smile while trying to remember the name, hoping they don't strike up any conversation. I'm not in the mood to socialize, I was there to survey the bar and see if it's a suitable venue for my next event.

I reached another door inside which I assumed is the area for events. True enough, a tall table stood on the side of the door and a small lady is smiling behind a laptop in front of her. Her short brown hair with green highlights is tied up into a loose ponytail and she smiled as I inched closer.

"I uhh, have a ticket" I fumbled for my phone, tapped the email app and scrolled down to the confirmation email I received a few hours ago. It was a last minute decision to buy the ticket.

She peered on the screen for a bit and searched my name on the excel file in front of her. "Got it." she wrapped a black band around my wrist. "All set." she said with a smile.

I was about to reach for the door handle when it swung open and a large man came out. Another familiar face. I stared up, he was staring back with eyes narrowing. I put one hand in my mouth, "Ohhh my!! It's you!!!!"

He smiled wide and jokingly said "Ha! I have some serious beef with you! C'mere!!!" he made my feet lift from the floor as he swopped me into a big bear hug.

I didn't realize how much I am missed and it gave a good rub on my ego. I rearranged some frizz in my hair after he put me down, making sure my balance is back before retracting his hands.

"Let's talk more later! I gotta pee!!" he shouted as he pat my back, almost pushing me to the door where he came out of.

I smiled to myself as I went inside, bracing myself to the sound of distorted guitars, crashing cymbals and screaming vocals.

[doodleoogles]

A "Core Memory"

"There's actually a ghost in my house!" I said out loud, which made my Dad chuckle. Mill, his current partner's eyes widened a bit. I assumed those are as wide as they could get. Her eyes are small and droopy, giving her an anxious but kind look.

It's almost 10PM, the sun has just set and we are all in the dining area, having a little dinner feast. There's a large bowl of steak cubes, some fresh chops of lettuce, a plate of chips with chicken nuggets and a tall bottle of vodka in the middle. My son is munching on the chips, watching the adults drink while Mill's 7 year old daughter Reed is glued to the sofa, with her favorite anime playing on Netflix for the nth time.

"Serious!" I exclaimed before anyone of them could say anything else. "See usually when it's late at night, we would hear random noises like someone's moving some furniture around or footsteps coming upstairs".

"Could be the neighbors?" Dad gave me his most doubtful look as he walked towards the fridge. I can still hear his soft chuckle before he pulled the fridge door open and peered inside.

"That's what I thought at first, but we swore the sound is really coming from inside the house!" I looked at my son and he nodded in agreement as he shoved several chips in his mouth at once. "I mean you could really tell!" I stabbed a steak cube with my fork and placed it neatly in the middle of of the lettuce on my plate.

Dad went back to the table with a tupperware filled with watermelon slices. He's munching away on a slice when he sat down, "Nahh, so you guys are scared?"

I swallowed a mouthful of steak wrapped in lettuce before talking "Good thing we aren't scared of ghosts! I mean you know it's the living you should be worried about right? They're the ones who can hurt you." I ended my speech with a shrug, thinking it's the vodka talking. I glanced at my side where a mirror is plastered to the wall and saw my red faced reflection looking back at me.

Dad seemed to nod in agreement before pouring some vodka on his shot glass. He does the same for mine and Mill's and raised his shot glass in the middle of the table with his right hand, "So... cheers for the ghosts and the living that haunt us!"

We all laughed as we raised our glasses to meet his, my son joining with his cup of apple juice. I swallowed the vodka straight and looked around me. Something warm brewed in my chest and it's not just the alcohol travelling it's way down my stomach. It's...something else. The warmth of a home, with my Dad - a funny smartass man I never knew growing up. I think about my younger years when I resented him and wished he never existed. I didn't know what I was missing out. I spent so much time hating him and being a rebel without a damn cause. I gave my soul self inflicted wounds and now I am finally healing. Reconnecting with my old man is the highlight of this travel for me and my son. I can tell he's fond of his grandpa, and despite being with him only recently, he has already warmed up to him.

More stories and laughter as the night went on. We joked about having PTSD on airports after spending 11 hours due to our delayed flight to Vancouver the week before and how we almost got left behind on the flight back after being so relaxed thinking it might get delayed again. I rolled my eyes while remembering how Dad playfully yelled "Police! Police!" when we were checking out the US border near the town of Surrey. My son laughed at how Dad's first task wherever we go is to find the nearest toiler. Mille teased my Dad for convincing us to line up to the food banks for the homeless and Dad shrugging his shoulders saying he succeeded one time when he got a free burger.

Around 1AM, Dad stretched his hands up, ready to call it a night. Reed is already fast asleep in the sofa so Mille had to carry her to their room. My son wen to the bathroom to brush his teeth and kissed me goodnight after. I stayed in the dining table, feeling slightly dizzy from the vodka. My stomach hurt from laughing and my eyes are slightly wet as I covered the leftovers with some cling wrap. It will be hard to leave in a few days, I thought to myself, glancing sideways to my Dad just in time to hear him yawn, his footsteps receding back to the room. It might take some time before I can go back since I have a new work to focus on, but I definitely need to come back for a visit and plan a longer stay.

This is the part of my life where I finally found myself at peace with the past and acceptance in the present. I have to travel halfway across the world to find it but it's so fucking worth it.

[doodleoogles]

Au Revoir

I stared outside the car window as we traversed the busy streets of Laguna. As someone who lives in the far North of the Metro, I rarely go to the South but today, there's a heavy reason to. The mood in the car was light despite us being regretful to meet again under such dismal circumstances. We are three longtime friends catching up about what's going on in our lives for the past few years. We haven't seen each other in so long, and there's a hint of both wistfulness and despair amongst us as we reminisce the younger years we had.

Four days ago, we were informed of our friend's passing. He has been battling with his heart condition for over a year and apparently, it was deemed untreatable. He has known since last year and was only given until December to live. To think he held on for a few more months, and we never knew. He has always been the cool and relaxed one. He has found the love of his life, had surgery done a couple of months ago and we are all happy for him. We thought he was getting better.

My friend G pulled over at the funeral homes and asked us to go straight inside while he finds a spot to park his car. When I stepped outside, our friend's partner N is already waiting for us. We smiled timidly at each other, not knowing what to say or how to address the death that looms above us.

We let the silence fell and started walking inside. N stopped midway and we exchanged sad looks. "He's gone..." she started to say before collapsing in my arms. I held her tight, feeling the tears well up in my eyes as she cried heart wrenching sobs.

There was nothing else to do but cry really. I can only imagine the pain she's in right now. I mean imagine finding someone you connect with deeply, loving them and building your entire life with the person, only to be taken away by Death. Life sure is not fair.

We hugged for a few more minutes before she hesitantly pulled away. She looked so vulnerable, her eyes are puffy with dark circles underneath. It must've been awful to hold on to your sanity while the world you know is falling apart. "Whew, come on let's go inside. He's waiting for you guys!" she tried to sound lovely as she led us inside.

The first thing I noticed is our friend's framed photo displayed at the side of his coffin. There he is, all smiles, both eyes shining brightly. That was very unlikely of him. We've known him long enough to know he only wants to look badass in photos. Well, I thought, he had a good life with her so there sure was a reason to smile a lot. I ran my hand on the pristine white coffin and noticed there isn't any flowers or ribbons with names on them. We were told that as Muslims, they don't follow the traditional burial set up. We bowed our heads silently before taking a seat on a huge couch.

There's a lot of laughing and crying as we reminisce old memories with him. From the first time we all met each other, the drunk stories, the nights that never seemed to end, the heartbreaks, the victories up to the separate roads we took when adulthood required us to take life seriously. It's a good night, it makes me remember the realization I had when I first experienced death. When my gramma died, I understood that funerals aren't actually for the dead, it's for the people left behind. Funerals keep you busy, talking and reconnecting with friends and families you haven't seen in a while. Even if you wanted your own life to end, you simply will not have time for it. After everyone has left, you're on your own to grieve but there's a deeper sense of understanding, and way too many things ahead. Maybe Death can wait. Maybe you can hold on just a little longer.

N and M (our friend's ex) hugged as G and I stood beside them. I heard M thanking N for taking care of him, for being with him up to his final days. There's forgiveness, acceptance, hope in those hugs and tears. I kept wiping my eyes while I pat their back.

"I really just wish" N said, burying her face in M's long curls, "that I had more time with him. More than the time you ever had with him. 1 year isn't enough. 1 year of fighting our battles..."

"It's not about the time you spend with him, " I answered for M, "I think what matters is the time you were able to make the most out of. You didn't leave him, you were with him during the most difficult point of his life and I think it made that 1 year longer than anything else in his lifetime..."

"Thank you" M said before letting go, "Now get some rest and take care of yourself"

We took our usual seats in the car and talked less on the way back. Either we're all tired from all the sudden emotions or reality is already sinking in that after tonight, we might not see each other again in a long time. Adulthood is hard, people move on, some people forget while some remain lovingly kept in the part of our brains that store the good memories. After all, knowing who we choose to keep and who to let go is something we decide on, but ultimately the rest is up to fate.

-March 2024

[doodleoogles]

you ever feel like you were born with something rotten inside you and if people get close enough they’re gonna find out

[doodleoogles]

The Southern Comfort

Summer 2013

I was awakened by the warm rays of sunlight hitting my face. There's a sharp throbbing in my head and I couldn't feel half of my body. "Where was I?" I thought trying to grasp where my reality is at that moment. Minutes earlier, I was reliving the time before my gramma died. I was in a hospital with her, making sure she gets all the help she needed, I was given another chance to try and save her, I will save her this time. Tears welled in my eyes and I unintentionally opened them.

"You're awake.." a voice said.

I looked around. I was lying in bed, within a slightly messy room (a guys' room definitely), the windows are open with the curtains tied to the side. All the afternoon sunlight is coming in, like a spotlight to my half awake form. A humid air blew when I tried to sit and the hair on my arms stood up. I blinked until I can make out the figure sitting on the chair a few inches from the bed. He's looking back at me with a pair of soft wide eyes, his soft curls flowing on the side of his face. Ahh yes, memories from the previous night started pouring in. We were out in a bar, drinking, smoking a couple of joints and oh yeah, that's about as far as I can remember.

I groaned loudly, pressing my forehead "What the fuck happened last night?"

He laughed and grabbed a bowl from the table where his laptop lay open. A movie was playing in the screen, some old Natalie Portman film. He handed the bowl to me.

My stomach immediately grumbled at the smell of some good ol' chicken noodle soup. "Thanks" I managed to say before devouring it. "Care to tell me now what happened?" I asked again when I was able to catch a break from eating.

He paused the movie and faced me, "Well let's see..." Uh-oh, I tensed. "So we were drinking right? And we smoked, ahhh it is a good kind, I think I may have brought some with me." He grinned, "Anyway, this guy Stephen was challenging us on a drinking spree. I drank a bit but I said I can't drink some more since I have to watch over you cause you...." he playfully wriggled a pointing finger towards me, "You went all out, like chugging drink after another drink of what was that? Uhm Jaggermeister? You beat them all up alright, then you passed out on my lap. Good thing you didn't hit your head on anything."

I cringed at the unpleasant mental picture in my head "Oh God..."

"Stephen was actually teasing me." he continued, leaning backwards on his chair and focusing his gaze on the laptop screen. "He said boy you so getting laid tonight." He said it so casually, without any hint of malice in his voice. "You wouldn't wake up, I even had to carry you up here. I slept after tucking you in." He played the movie and let me finish the noodles in peace.

I started to think what kind of relationship we have. We never talk about it and I will never be the one to ask. Sometimes I think he may be bisexual or even gay as he has never shown any interest in trying to have sex. I mean yes there was some making out and I sleep in his room but that's just about it. I really do like him though. I guess I'm okay with hanging around for a bit until he realize we can be something else. I enjoy his company. I like waking up in his room after getting wasted the night before. I like knowing I will never be taken advantaged of in my drunken state. I like the soup he gets me for my hang over. I like the hot afternoon in the South where he lives, the humidity and the breeze coming from a nearby lake.

During my free time on weekends, he would usually ask me to tag along with his friends. We'll go outside when the weather isn't too hot anymore. We'll meet up his friends to skate at a nearby park then grab some beers after. In the evening, we will pick some random movies to watch in his laptop and fall asleep beside each other. Time almost stood then.

February 2024

Why am I reminiscing an 11 year old memory? Well, a few weeks ago, he messaged me out of nowhere. I mean we remained friends of course, like when we occasionally bump into each other on a gig, we still talk and hang out with other common friends. We didn't end badly, hell come to think of it nothing was ever official anyway so damned if I know when exactly it ended. It just did.

He moved on first. I spent months trying to get over missing his place and his friends from the South. Damn believe it or not, I even missed the humidity there. We didn't communicate for a long time, I knew he had a girlfriend eventually and they were together for years. I've also moved on since then.

Now he just popped up on my messenger on a random morning while I'm at work. I responded casually. He really sounded like wanting to keep the conversation going but 1. I am busy, 2. I want to keep everything entirely casual. We don't need to be talking and messaging each other everyday like we did years before. Out of curiosity, I checked his Facebook and I no longer see the girl anywhere on his profile. Huh, guys and the things they do out of boredom.

When I put my phone aside, my mind reeled back to 2013. I may have never gotten the clarity I needed on who I was to him before but I don't think it ever mattered. We were young, it had been fun, and neither of us has any regrets. We had something good back then and it's a memory worth keeping. However, among all things, that's where it should remain.

[doodleoogles]

January

He doesn't look too bad, matter of fact, he is kinda cute although not exactly 'my type' but he's definitely a looker for more normal girls. If you know me personally or have been following me for quite awhile, you have an idea how I have a very uncanny taste in men.

I was anxious for something else, waiting for a message that isn't likely going to come. I tried not to focus on checking my phone too much and diverted my attention to the stage where a band is tirelessly playing. He casually sat beside me, "Haven't seen you in awhile, you don't remember me do ya?" I stared blankly, "Powertrip? 2020?" he continued. I know the gig but his nice boy face didn't trigger any recollection. "You were on my shoulders during the moshpit." Holy F---- the things I do when I am drunk, I made a mental face palm, "Oh!?" was all I could say before breaking into a laugh, "Knew it. You don't remember…" I shrugged, "Yeah let's keep it at that."

I can't quite remember if that was the first question he ever asked but I recall we had some interesting conversations about life and the world as we know it now. Jeez, guys and alcohol are an unlikely combination. Either they are straightforwardly asking for sex or try to look intellectual (and fool you to have sex). I didn't take the bait, I only reciprocated some of the interest he showed. I must admit there's a unique way of trying to get my attention, asking questions about goals in life and what can a guy do to impress me. My ego was stoked quite nicely and I almost forgot about that one message I was hoping so bad I'd receive.

"Here's another," he mused, "What is it that will make you want to stay?" I raised an eyebrow (I've told him about finding a job overseas and my incapacity to stick with someone for good - God how drunk was I). "You mean in the country or with a guy?" He lifted both shoulders, holding his beer bottle up to a guy who walked past us, "Both?" I shook my head "My mind's pretty made up and I'm kinda fucked up". He caught my gaze, "that face doesn't look fucked up to me." for a split second I felt a warm rush from some butterflies flapping their wings inside my stomach. He would either me another victim or a brand new fucking disappointment - my intrusive thoughts whispered.

"Not looking for anything right now and I don't think there's anything that will make me want to stay in this god forsaken country." I made sure my voice was firm. "Yeah?" he looked convinced enough, "all good then" he said, still smiling. He opened his bag and took out a bag of pretzel, a big bar of chocolate and a small sticky note still wrapped in plastic, "you know what, take these.." I was puzzled, I mean why would someone bring these stuff on a night out? I wondered if he was supposed to give it to someone else but got stood up. In a way, we're in the same boat tonight.

The night went on until it was about time to leave. I called my friend, waved goodbye to him and we went our separate ways. My friend and I ate some good beef stew to sober up, and I booked a ride home after. Ah everything's better when you're alone, I thought as I lie in bed feeling slightly dizzy. I smiled as I pull the blankets up to my chin and lulled myself to sleep.

[doodleoogles]

A Dream within a Dream

Her eyes were wide and bright, her cheeks a little flushed either from drinking or maybe that's their usual color. It's kinda hard to tell when I am very distracted by the way she touches my arm as she talks. The beer kept sloshing out of the bottle every time she waves it around to put an emphasis on her story telling. She's very animated, alive, warm, everything quite the opposite of how I am but it's turning to be one interesting night.

When the event ended, she waved goodbye when she saw me waiting for my ride home outside. Maybe it was that shiny look in her eyes or the concern I have over thinking she's getting home alone buzzed, I came over and asked if she wants to come with me. She thought for a bit, and asked "Where to?". "Will help you get home safe" was all I said.

We started walking. It was a busy Saturday night in this part of the city - every bar is brimming with young folks partying and having a blast. The sounds are faintly heard in the background but I was focused more on listening to her stories. "Sorry," she said, "I could be very chatty when I've had some drinks". I looked at her to say it's totally fine and I enjoy listening to her talk but for a moment I couldn't say anything when I saw how the neon lights reflect gloriously across her face. "You're very beautiful," it came out unexpectedly, I can tell by the way her eyes widen and her lips formed a small "o". That's when I noticed how her lips are almost the same color as her cheeks. It's an amazing tint between faint red to pastel pink, like the cherry blossoms glowing under midday sunlight. I snapped back to where we are when she raised both eyebrows and rolled her eyes, "Well of course I already know that, you don't have to say it out loud". She took a few steps ahead of me.

I threw my head back as I laughed. For some reason, this girl knows how to poke the fun side of life for me. "Hey don't walk too far" I said grabbing her as we turn to a quiet corner, away from the loud sounds and flashing lights. There's a lone lamppost lighting the sidewalks where we stand. "Where are we anyway, I don't see the main highway from here" she asked looking up at me with a frown. I am a few inches taller so I had to look down. How could anyone still look so arresting even when her brows are curled into a scowl is beyond me. It's becoming more difficult to think when my mind is consumed by wondering how those lips would taste like. "I could kiss you." I found myself saying, before I cupped her face with both hands and kissed her hard. She was taken aback for a second before deciding to kiss me back. She closed her eyes and held on to me. I had to pull myself away remembering that we are still out in the street which is a very unlikely place to make out.

"What???" I asked with a naughty smile, seeing how she looked at me. I felt the strong burning sensation in my thighs and know I couldn't help myself any longer. "Come with me" I whispered tracing her lips with my finger. I swept a few strands of hair away from her face, still staring at her eyes. I noticed her eyelashes are also long and full, framing her wide brown eyes. God, she's gorgeous without even trying. I don't remember much after I took her hand and led the way. All I know was I shoved everything aside that night, including what might happen after all this.

[doodleoogles]

2023: The year that was..

Started off with leaving the company I was with for the past 12 years and moving to a more complex and challenging environment way outside my comfort zone. From celebrating the small wins of adapting to the strenous conditions at work to the big one - getting my own house (at long last!).

From cutting off unnecessary people in my life (one who couldn't value time and the other who was only my friend for the money) to reuniting with my old man, completely leaving our troubled past behind. There were some hellos and too many goodbyes-the most painful one was the death of my dog. We still miss him everyday but I try to find comfort in knowing he's just lounging around on the rainbow bridge waiting patiently for us like he always does.

There were the usual ups and downs, decisions both good and bad, and through it all I decide to never dwell in regrets. I'm thankful for the friends that became family and my son who acts like a grown up most of the time (lol). Life is never easy, but the key is to just roll with the punches, be kind and look out for each other.

Happy New Year!

P.S. To the person I have to leave behind: I know apologizing will never be enough but I sincerely wish you find your own li'l piece of happiness someday.

Proof of life:

[doodleoogles]

Dec 1st

"Don't say anything else." She stopped me mid-sentence, as she pull a cigarette from her purse. "That's not going to work" was all she could say before lighting the cancer stick.

I stared at the half empty bottle of beer I was holding. She knows me too well. Years of friendship meant countless stories about life, love and everything in between. She knew some of my exes, was there during certain downfalls and cheered on the blissful moments when we were still working together. I lost count of how many drinks we had when we celebrated the fun times and even more when things go haywire. We were both survivors in different areas of our lives. I guess that meant if there's one person who can tell what will really work for me when it comes to the guys I choose, it's her.

Of course it doesn't mean I couldn't decide for myself, matter of fact, I've made waaaay too many decisions on my own - some of those resulted in shattering lives of others, worse was my own. This time I wanted so bad to hear it from someone. Despite hearing the answers from other close friends, it's still slightly different when someone says it out loud - straight to my face and with such genuine stare.

"Definitely he could be on the road to changing himself and becoming a man that is long overdue for someone his age." She shrugged, "but then again, men knows no age. They can be over 40 and still think differently".

"True. Couldn't blame the family for being too supportive. That's a really healthy environment to grow up in." I said as I watch at the smoke from her cigarette billowing above our heads. "I told him he could've done something early on to try and give back to them. Not that it's mandatory"

"Or simply put, have some shame." her tone was firm. As a mother of four wonderful girls, I know she understood. "And surviving is not the kind of life to dream about. We should be living everyday. At this day and age, you simply couldn't be living without a stable source of income know what I mean?? Like an actual goddamn job. The reason he's taking all the time he needs is because there's a fallback, there's a support system just waiting to carry him back up if he fails. You'll never truly fight for a good life, if it is being spoonfed but for how long? Can you wait that long?"

I cannot. I felt my head ache for a bit. There is really no love anymore. That's not the person I fell for years ago. I never knew this side of him when we were close friends. If I'd known it, I never would've pursued him and risk ruining everything between us and our circle of friends. It was a mistake to try but how else can I find out what he's really like? I hate to break another good thing going on but then I think about what is actually making me happy in this relationship is not really him. It's the friends we have around us. As much as I want for things to stay the same, I have to admit the fact that they will not be. These people don't need to take sides but there will definitely be changes before everybody moves on.

It's the first night of December. The lights are bright from the Christmas decorations all around us. Christmas songs are playing in the background everywhere you turn. Almost everyone has this irritating lustrous look in their eyes. It's the season of long holidays, family get togethers, forgiveness, celebrations and here I am contemplating on how to break a heart with minimal casualties. I have always been selfish, needy, chaotic ball of a person. Even when my intentions are good, they always come out wrong.

I thought this time would be different but life, as always, have other plans....

[doodleoogles]

Dad

I was slightly disheveled when I arrived at the bar where I would meet my old man. I'm one of those few people who care about punctuality so I wanted to be there at the time I said I'd be there. He arrived few minutes early so that added to my rush, I went from walk to stride to slightly running towards the place. I saw him instantly, standing tall in front of a grilled chicken restaurant and felt my stomach grumbled at the smell of good food being cooked. He smiled when he saw me. Against the faint light from where he stood, I noticed his white hair has grown aplenty but it didn't entirely overshadow his unruly dark locks. He's still as fit as the last time I saw him which was some odd years ago. We took the stairs to the third floor where the bar is situated. A minor wave of nostalgia hit me as this is the same bar where I have hosted a few metal shows before. This is a comfort place, and tonight would even be comfier. We settled at a table right beside the stage where a showband will be playing later in the night. I ordered us drinks and asked him to choose his most missed local dishes. We talked about life, work, and lots of grown up stuff. Never had I imagined when I was younger that we'd get along well in my adult life. Everything was in the past and I am glad we have moved on from that. Then came the topic about his plan to retire and how he's looking to settle back in the Philippines. I listened intently, thinking at the back of my head that pretty soon, we'll be able to spend more time together. My thoughts were brought back to the present when he softly said "Look at me, I'm almost 60 and I'm still renting a house." He said that with a smile and I couldn't figure out if he was shy to admit it as a fact or he's trying to hide some bit of frustration of how his life turned out. He's a divorced man, living alone and minding his own business for such a long time. Somehow I felt we are very similar. Not being able to settle with anyone in life - I got this from him. I took a sip of my beer and let that thought sink in. From where I sit, he doesn't look sad in his solitude. He is actually looking forward to retiring alone without worrying about his rent. Sounds like a satisfying life if you ask me. Half past 9, I see his eyes became watery from yawning. I realized he said he wasn't able to sleep since arriving in the Philippines. I called for the bill and said it's time to call it a night. We booked our separate rides home and I went on my way feeling good in my core. So that's what it feels like to have a father whom you can talk to about anything. I never had anyone growing up so it's easy to feel warm and fuzzy inside. I liked this feeling. I liked this point in my life. I just wish my dog is still around to see me like this.

[doodleoogles]

Tomorrow came and it wasn't any better. 30-some-odd minutes past 9 in the morning, I received the news that made my world fall apart. For a few seconds, I couldn't feel anything. It's like that fraction of a moment before tragedy strikes. The bittersweet pause before the immense wave of emotions engulf your entire being. My sweet Damien is gone.

How could I live in a world where he no longer exist? We've shared 14 years together and I could no longer recall the life I had before he came along. It's like there was nothing before him. He made the house a home with his bright white fur and peaceful eyes.

I remember how I would hug him close when some pains are too much to bear. I remember how he'd look at me as if to say things will always be okay, you have me. Life isn't a walk in the park but he made our journey a merry stroll. How do I walk now when my companion is no longer around?

I cannot find the exact words to describe this pain but I am trying to find comfort in knowing you lived your best life with us. I know how much you loved car rides when your hooman sibling would carry you on his small lap so you can feel the wind on your face. I would watch you both on the rearview mirror with my heart so full and smile as I sing along to the songs blasting in our speakers. Those are one of the many priceless memories I will hold forever, knowing I will never get to drive on the freeway the same way ever again.

You taught us love in it's simplest form. Love is about coming home to wet kisses and warm paws after a hard day's work. It's like despite missing that last bus trip home and life sucked you dry, you will always have a reason to feel better.

Thank you for all the joy you brought to our lives. Mama loves you forever. 💔😢

Damien : Dec 8 2008 - Aug 25 2023

[doodleoogles]

Damien...

I love car rides. I enjoy the wind blowing against my face as I bask in the scenery outside the half opened window in the backseat. Sometimes when we drive across the city, I enjoy watching people go about their everyday lives. Not this particular car ride though. There's my younger hooman holding me tight, making sure I stay secured in his lap. There's my woman hooman, the person who has been with me the longest. Something isn't right though. Her eyes are glassy, and her smile seemed to hide so many things racing in the back of her head. I don't like this car ride. I feel very uncomfortable. My head and my stomach hurt. I puked once and felt sorry my hooman had to catch it all in the only plastic bag she brought along. We arrived in a familiar place. I think I've been here once, or twice? I couldn't be sure. Age is catching up on me sooner that I thought. I sprawled across the floor as my woman hooman talked to the very kind lady on the counter. I couldn't quite understand what they are saying but something in what the lady said made my hooman swallow a big lump in her throat. They carried me on the table and poked stuff on my eyes, tongue and butt. It hurt a bit but I didn't move. I want my hooman to know I'm fine. They are talking again while they rub my fur. My fur has grown sticky from all the vomit I did earlier in the day. I don't think I'm allowed a bath, otherwise, both hoomans would've cleaned me immediately back home. A strong guy carried me away and placed me on a cage. I couldn't see my hoomans but they are still talking faintly in the background. They stuck a needle on one of my feet, it hurt a bit but I can somehow manage. I lay on the cage listening quietly on the sounds around me. I hear some dogs barking loudly. I hate young dogs, they bark on every single damn movement they see or hear. I only bark when necessary. Years of being a dog taught me that. A few minutes passed and both the woman and young hooman came and stroked my fur saying something I couldn't quite comprehend. I don't like seeing their sad eyes, I want to do something but there's this cage, and the pain in my back, stomach and God knows where else. I think I hurt everywhere. I want to stand but I couldn't. I couldn't comfort them. They smiled weakly and started moving toward the door. I think they are leaving me here. I trust my hoomans know better. I think they want me to be well. My eyes are failing me too, but I can see figures moving around, checking me out, poking me and sticking some more needles in. I'm still in pain but I think about that gentle stroke in my fur from my two hoomans and it makes me feel better. I trust they know what's best for me.

In the faint light of this small room, I think I saw some circles under my woman hooman's eyes. Something is tormenting her, God I hope it's not me. They always affirm I'm a good doggy, but I wonder what I am now. They dimmed the lights a bit. Another stroke in my fur and a gentle tap on my legs. These people in scrubs seemed nice. I eased myself in the cage and listen attentively to my surrounding. Footsteps approaching and fading. Cats meowing (I've come to like cats in my 13 years of living with a few), a bratty younger dog barking at the slightest sound. The light switch flicking on and off. Water pouring, cages being opened then closed. Ah what a busy place. I decided to doze off and rest. Tomorrow will be better. And maybe, just maybe, I get to enjoy a good ol' car ride one more time..

[doodleoogles]

It happened again. I got tired, burned out and exhausted from trying. Right now I'm starting to think it may really be my inability to stick to one single good thing in my life. I'm not sure though if I am simply just impatient or I easily give up on people or both. It sucks because I'm not even someone worth sticking around for. When people choose to stay, I find something I am not able to deal with for long. I'm writing this not to justify my poor choices in life but I would like to put it out there that when you're over 30, sometimes your priorities change. To put a little context, we grew up completely different (and yes you're right I should've given it more thought when I was starting to get to know him as a friend years back), I had a rough childhood, learned how to be street smart and all. I had no one to rely on, but myself. I would've wasted my life years ago but realized I want to rise from the rubbles of the world I was born into. I want a better life. Sure I didn't do all the smart things before but I worked hard to be where I am now. On the other hand, he always had an amazing life - supportive family, patient mom who gives him all the best even when he don't deserve it at times. It's true indeed that how children are raised will have a huge impact in their adult lives. This resulted in certain differences in how we handle life. He is definitely willing to compromise and I've seen him change some of the habits I disliked. I tried being patient and give support as much as I could. Of course I'm very much lucky to have someone who accepts me despite everything he knows about me. So why can't I do the same for him? 34 years of living - I put my hands up and say I'm simply weary from having to always take care of people. I want to be taken care of. I want firm decisions, realistic goals and effective plans. The sweet talks and handsome face just don't cut it in this harsh environment. Reality is at this age, I need stability and I could not wait for someone to be at par with the goals I have set for myself. Am I being too harsh for always wanting more? Maybe being alone is really what I am good at. I don't have to worry about anything else. I only have myself to look after. I've gotten used to it so much I cannot see myself even sharing my bed with someone else (my dog and cats are an exception of course). So I guess this is it. I don't want to try anymore. I just don't.