Tumgik
#and im trying and its not like my life is even that bad but man.
youremyheaven · 3 days
Text
Random Mini Astrology Observations: Vedic Edition
Warning: This is just a string of random thoughts lol, don't compare it to my best work on here. It's a bunch of stuff I've had in my drafts and I'm trying to clear it all out
Before I get into this, I just want to say, that whether my observations are positive or negative, it won't apply to every individual who has these placements. 8 billion people exist on this planet, and not everyone will exhibit the same good or bad qualities. I hate having to put this PSA because some people don't get it but yeah "not all Lunars/Venusians/Nodals/Solars/Jup/Sat are going to be the same".
Jupiter influenced men are known for being introverted cutie pies who kinda have that mature-dilf-y vibe.
Obviously, another category of Jupiter men are often loud, extroverted and very outgoing but I've noticed these placements heavilyyyy in celebrities "known" for being private and introverted. They are also often known for being generous and kind hearted.
Tumblr media
Prabhas, Vishaka Stellium (Moon, Mercury and Venus)
He is known as "darling star" and brings food that he has prepared at home for everyone on set (he is an actor). He is known for being very shy and introverted but also super sweet, generous and kind.
Tumblr media
Sidharth Malhotra, Vishaka Moon
Sid is known for being extremely lowkey which is RARE for a Bollywood actor. He's also quite gentlemanly and charitable
Tumblr media
Ratan Tata, Vishaka Moon
He is an Indian billionaire entrepreneur who lives in a small 2bhk apartment and has donated most of his personal wealth to charity. He is known for having led his company in a very humane way (there are lots of controversies and im aware of them but compared to the work culture and quality of life that most other indian companies offer its employees, TATA is in a different league).
Tumblr media
Keanu Reeves, Punarvasu Moon (and stellium)
i dont have to explain but Keanu is the king of kindness and generosity
Tumblr media
Mads Mikkelsen, Vishaka Moon
unlike his characters, Mads is actually a sweet guy and very private
Tumblr media
Adam Driver- Vishaka Sun
he's so private that nobody even knows he's married with a kid
Tumblr media
Tom Hanks, Punarvasu Sun
known for being a gentleman and quite modest. the OG nice guy and obviously very private
Tumblr media
Ethan Hawke, Vishaka Sun
another lowkey, private guy who is known for being nice
2. Rashmika Mandanna and Surbhi Jyoti, Swati Moon
Tumblr media Tumblr media
I find their eye area to be kinda similar?? I know they don't look alike but there are some overarching similarities between them and I think its bc they have the same moon nak.
3. I came across a comment that Akshay Kumar made about Asin and her CEO husband Rahul Sharma.
“He is madly in love with his wife, his child. It’s like he treats her like a goddess.
and guess what?? Rahul is a Purvashadha Sun 🥺😌😌
Tumblr media
4. Ashwini natives often have post-apocalyptic dreams
Since its the first nak and is ruled by Ketu and is in complete darkness, symbolically representing the stage before creation (which happens in Bharani), the subconscious mind is susceptible to having really strange, fcked up, war-like dreams/visions. Also bc Aries rashi is ruled by Mars, God of War.
5. every Venusian man I know kinda has a voice kink
6. Many Punarvasus crave for a simple, rustic, relaxed type of life. In fact many famous Punarvasus live on a farm
Tumblr media
Kaley Cuoco- Punarvasu Moon
Tumblr media
Bretman Rock - Punarvasu Sun
Tumblr media
MS Dhoni- Punarvasu Sun
Tumblr media
Dennis Quaid, Punarvasu Moon on his ranch
7. Jupiter and Venus are 'Brahmins' or priestly, the Sun and Mars are 'Kshatriyas' or warriors, the Moon is 'Vaishya', or a trader, Mercury is a 'Vaisya', Saturn 'Shudra', or a lower caste and Rahu and Ketu are outcastes.
This is not an observation but just an astrological fact that I thought I'd mention
8. Magha girls are often the spoilt daughters or come from very bougie families where they're the princesses. They might emotionally suffer but materially and otherwise, they're very comfortable
Tumblr media
Shruti Hassan- Magha Moon
she has spoken about how rough her childhood was bc of her parents' tumultuous marriage and subsequent divorce but that doesn't change the fact that she's the daughter of Kamal Hassan, one of the biggest stars in the history of Indian cinema
Tumblr media
Kiara Advani- Magha Moon
Kiara is from a very wealthy and illustrious family, and she grew up as a much loved, spoilt ish daughter<3
Tumblr media
Wonyoung- Magha Sun
Wonyoung is from a filthy rich family and she has said that she grew up very pampered. And that she didn't have an allowance bc whatever she asked for she got. However she became a trainee at 12yrs of age and that journey could not have been easy. Despite being born rich, she's had to go through a lot in life to be where she is today
Tumblr media
Aditi Rao Hydari- Magha Moon
she's of actual royal lineage so she's a real life princess but her parents divorced when she was a kid and she grew up with a single mom in delhi and not in a palace
9. DMX- Mula Sun (dog yoni) was obsessed with dogs
The late rapper DMX's relationship with dogs, which seems almost mythical. He was born in 1970 - the year of the Metal Dog, and in his teens he ran away from his abusive household and befriended stray dogs while vulnerable on the streets. He began to gather dogs for protection, intimidation and family, and was sent to prison for stealing a dog (a neglected dog chained up in a scrapyard). In prison, he wrote a lot of his early songs, in which he came up with his "dog" mythology, in which he imagines himself as a monstrous dog-themed gangster who barks and howls. He had a huge tattoo of his favourite dog Boomer on his back. In 2008, his 12 dogs were taken from him by cops after there were reports of animal cruelty - DMX had paid a negligent caretaker to look after the dogs while he was on tour. (The dogs lived out the rest of their lives as therapy animals in a women's prison)
I think its interesting how our yoni animal influences our life
10. As Vighati graha, male planets are: Sun, Mars, Jupiter, Rahu; female planets are: Moon, Venus, Ketu whilst two eunuch planets are Mercury and Saturn. All the standard rules for determination of the sex of the child are applicable, female signs are: Taurus, Gemini, Virgo, Scorpio, Capricorn and Aquarius; male signs are: Aries, Cancer, Leo, Libra, Sagittarius and Pisces. Exalted planets indicate male issue and debilitated planets indicate female.
11. Mercurial men and Jupiter men are soooo flamboyant, sassy and gender non-conforming
Tumblr media
RuPaul- Vishaka Sun & Moon
Tumblr media
Elton John- Jyeshta Rising
Tumblr media
Jeff Goldblum- Jyeshta Moon
Tumblr media
Prince- Vishaka Rising
Tumblr media
Jimi Hendrix- Mars in Vishaka atmakaraka
110 notes · View notes
ohnoitsjetster · 19 hours
Note
Didn’t Herbert West technically TECHNICALLY try to baby trap Dan in Bride of Reanimator?
Thoughts?
(Im sorry this took forever to respond to. life got in the way, of my silly little words)
technically, yes. The main intention was the same. But "Baby Trap" does not even start to explain the shit Herbert pulled in Bride of Reanimator.
thoughts? you want THOUGHTS? alright how about let me break down exactly what Herbert did here:
That man stole Megan's heart from an evidence locker and stored it in his fridge. When Dan tried to leave Herbert, He offered the heart to Dan with every ounce of reverence he could deliver without getting down on one knee.
that is to say, Herbert anticipated that Dan would leave him and saw that he loved Megan. So his reaction was to steal Megan's actual physical HEART, and give it to Dan as an offering to force him to stay.
He vaguely explained that he was about to baby trap him with it, to which Dan agreed because of his blind love for Meg, and his blind love for Herbert, and because, in the words of Bruce Abbot, "no one will ever get rich overestimating Dan's bad taste."
(This could maybe be because the world of Reanimator uses weird sci-fi logic where the heart contains the person's personality or life or whatever, and it'd actually bring Meg back (even though these movies seemed pretty brain-focused thus far), in which case, pretty good manipulator leverage! nice job, Herbie! Otherwise, its either because Herbert knew Dan would like this weird creepy gesture of love, or because Herbert thought this weird creepy gesture of love was a normal and good idea, and coincidentally Dan was that same wavelength of out-of-touch freak as Herbert, because they're just meant for each other or something. That last option is my personal favorite)
So, then Herbert goes around the hospital STEALING more body parts off corpses (former patients who also presumably received some form of care and attention from Dan), trying to create Dan's perfect woman based on his shallow perception of whatever it is that straight, allosexual, relatively neurotypical men like (maybe since Herbert can't be what Dan wants romantically, he can create it for him and earn love that way (that cannot be good for His internalized transphobia)).
so then he meticulously assembles a woman like an Ikea cabinet and proceeds to give Dan the worlds most sensual elevator pitch, using... a line that he heard Dan use with his girlfriend when he was eavesdropping on them having sex. He tries to explain why this is the perfect woman for all your woman needs! Like uhhh sex, and... sex, and lawyering? maybe murder? (I guess he thinks it'd be nice to have a woman who can kill for you and defend your crimes in a court of law. That does sound useful in their situation)
Then he watched the Bride fight Francesca like some sort of underground girlfriend fighting ring, as if the larger and stronger girl would win ownership of our poor pathetic Dr Cain. Unfortunately Herbert's creation broke down to nothing when it removed its own heart to give it to Dan in the same exact gesture with which Herbert showed Dan the heart earlier.
Pure heterosexual coincidence, of course. There is absolutely nothing odd about Herbert's gift to Daniel being a grotesque amalgamation of everyone Dan loved instead of him and everything those people had to offer Dan, fueled by the pumping of Megan's heart (whom Herbert had hated and competed with), a heart both stolen and offered willingly, one both frozen and thawed, both beating and dead. There Dan stays, too close, yet too far. (am i reading into it- You Bet)
Yup. Pure coincidence. And also nothing suspicious about it being a creature created of such concentrated love, reverence, devotion, and bitter fear of rejection, that at the moment of being pushed away, it entirely self destructs because its only purpose was to love Dan and be loved by him. Its only purpose was to be perfect for Dan, to be enough for him, to be some action of Herberts blood sweat and tears that could ever be wanted by him. But of course Herbert doesn't understand Daniel - understand people - as well as he hoped too. Dan is horrified. No clearer rejection than that. If we see her as an extension of Herbert, it's obviously the last straw. Herbert truly did everything for Dan, not only was he still unlovable, but repulsive, an affront to... what have you; god, nature, some simple short-sighted ideal of what a human should be. Above that Dan could see the seams of the uncanny imitation of his past loves, and the love that laid beneath was too much for him. Too loud, too fast, too raw and bloody. So it dies. The heart is given, and thrown away.
What I'm trying to say is that shit was crazy. Herbert could have done a much more cut and dry baby trap. He could have reanimated some random kid, forcing Dan to stick around and protect it. That would have been its own special kind of fucked up and is probably a good fanfic prompt. But noooo, Herbert had to do the most psychosexual, convoluted, batshit, traumatizing, bloody, gory, and frankly unnecessary declaration of love that could be achieved by one little scientist with nothing to his name but a little green potion and every mental illness. I for one think it was a fantastic idea.
No tldr, ur just gonna have to match my freak on this one. Hope my mad ramblings made some sense. Peace and love
28 notes · View notes
toastsnaffler · 3 months
Text
still just so so disappointed though :-(
#like its ok... but my heart hurts#so frustrating struggling with little things that seem to come to other people so much more easily#i feel like i only live half the life that other people do. or less like i just feel so slow and incapable and far behind everyone else#and i dont think ill ever catch up. and thats okay i know its not a race and i know i shouldnt compare myself to others#n everyone has their own struggles ahhh i know#and im trying and its not like my life is even that bad but man.#its so hard to make peace with only having a half life. always falling short never quite being enough for myself or anyone else#its so alienating i feel so distant and disconnected from everyone and everything so much of the time#and i dont know how to solve that i dont know if its even solvable. i dont want it to be like this forever 🥹🥹🥹🥹#its okay sometimes. i just have to do my best to live my life in those fragments and then just get by the rest of the time#at least having the flat to myself this weekend means i can cry openly and dont have to hold my breath to not make noise when im sobbing#just gotta get it out. ill feel better and worse and better and worse and maybe next weekend will be okay or the next or the next whenever#aw man.#.diaries#3pm and all ive done today is a single load of laundry and cry a lot. why did i even both taking meds this morning#havent been productive and havent done any hobbies or anything for myself i only get 2 days off a week and i waste all that time#like it would be fine if i wanted to do nothing. but i dont!!!!!!!!! i dont want to feel like this and zone out and stare into space#while time just passes and im so tired after work on weekdays its so hard to do anything then its so stupid to waste all this#but i feel so fucking bad i dont even know why im still doing this i need to get up and DO SHIT my mind is a fucking cage please#cant stop crying again now i hate this so much please i dont know what to do about it i just need it to stop
1 note · View note
hinamie · 3 months
Text
Tumblr media
I could've been a better man, but I'm not
more lmhs megu bc i love him. he is here fr ur lunch money :>
jjk atla!au with @philosophiums
2K notes · View notes
tubbytarchia · 8 months
Text
Tumblr media
I don't know what this is all I know is that LimL Joel makes me really emotional
1K notes · View notes
tacagen · 3 months
Text
one of the things that fascinate me about thawne: yes, he CAN be normal with kids! surprisingly normal!
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
((not at all times, though. his mental illness still spills through and as usual he, in trying to manipulate or hurt others, spits out at them the exact stuff that would hurt him (or have in his childhood/barry's rejection interpretation) the most in the first place lmao))
Tumblr media
but at the same time. his like second instinct when doing his bullshit is FUCK THEM (as) KIDS
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
(and, well. whatever this classifies as)
Tumblr media
#whats wrong with him. seriously. he loves picking fights with literal children So Much#AND NONE OF THEM WITH WALLY ON THE MATTER OF BEING THE BIGGEST FLASH FAN. HOW DID THAT NEVER HAPPEN#about the middle page. honestly i DIDNT remember he is a Jerk in that way too until i checked his interactions with bart for this post#this man officially should not be allowed near children as a mentor.#just straight up drops ALL his insecurities on a poor kid in trying to make him feel ashamed. NO breaking the abuse cycle for this bad boy#the only thing he doesnt say is the direct 'you are a disappointment' altho the message is still the same 💀💀💀💀💀💀#AND I BET HES HELLA PROUD OF THAT. I MEAN CONSIDERING THIS FACT IG HE DOES TRY TO BE BETTER THAN HIS PARENTS. SOMEWHAT.#and omg he formulates his point like in problem based learning (leading the child to making the correct conclusion themselves)#im dying. professor to the fucking core.#and the way he feels the need to bring up flash facts in his appeal?? EO YOURE SO HOPELESS. THIS IS 100% HOW BART SAW HIM THROUGH#and god knows what he told thad promising to get him out of the speed force if he fought barry there and whether he was going to fulfill it#and do you even IMAGINE how FUCKED barry's mental condition would be growing up if thawne fulfilled his button threat#and i really REALLY wonder about the tornado twins and their relationship with 'uncle eobard' but that will be a separate post#he doesnt know any other way tho. and he might be actually mad at bart for not supporting his every action as The Flash#like. he tries to play family but the second they question he just goes WHATEVER. I DONT NEED IT. FLASH OF MY VISION RUNS ALONE#his problem is that he just wants attention. he doesnt see family/heroing for what 'its really about' or downsides that may come with them#everything is so idealized in his head. and the moment he faces reality with its complications the concept immediately gets antagonized.#and then he reconsiders and changes the conditions but fails each time never realizing the problem is his mindset and not everything else#black white at its finest yall#and man. RELATABLE.#also WHY is he standing LIKE A STATUE when appearing in front of bart????😭😭😭😭#poor museum rat has no idea what heroes in real life stand like#eobard thawne#professor zoom#reverse flash#the reverse flash#bart allen#the flash#dc
72 notes · View notes
bacchuschucklefuck · 4 months
Text
love thinking kipperlilly spends her afterlife looking for lucy in a familiar forest
#not art#fhjy#fhjy spoilers#like. does she have a mean of knowing lucy and yolanda got sent to cassandra's domain to hang out for a bit#kipperlilly's isolation means so much to me. she is punished for everything she's done she just doesn't pick up on it#until the moment she dies! one more funky thing that mirrors riz in which he's actively tried to cultivate a community and denied it#until the bad kids. while kipperlilly does not want or care about a community she just wants someone who validates her#but she does Need a community so she latches onto the person she lets closer to her to fulfill her emotional needs#she took the ritual willingly so this might genuinely be her first death. probably terrifying#probably not even enough bandwidth to feel mortified. maybe immediately seeking something comforting out of instinct alone#lmao honestly thinking too much abt fantasy high afterlifes gives me a headache And a visceral fear#Im not religious but I grew up in a culture with a dominantly buddhist/taoist cosmology its Scary that u just go to A Place after u die!!#and then ur still urself!!! thats scary to me what do u mean u stay like that forever. thats fucked#but yeah I think this influences how I see kipperlilly turn out a little bit. in a sense I think of her as being a ghost now#yknow. trying to solve something from life so she can move on and. stop living this life etc#man the reveal that lucy took being killed pretty seriously and is like yeah the others are decent and even sweet#and probably was just trying to hold her party together and do what she thinks is moral by hearing kipperlilly out#lol lmao etc. gods I gotta wonder how kipperlilly's mindset handled jawbones' help#it really is damn tragic tho. I stand by what I said folks like this will complain and be nasty to be around#but they dont have enough desire to inconvenience themselves to off the bat do something abt what they find unfair or whatever#its when theyre handed the seemingly very easy means to be right that they'll start being dangerous#its horribly tragic that the supposed metaplayer and the self-perceived mastermind turned out to ultimately be just an useful idiot#yknow what. I think personally in my heart kipperlilly moves on from her afterlife the moment she says sorry#doesnt even have to be to lucy but that's probably gonna be who received it#ah.... teenage rebellion. teenage gamejacking
105 notes · View notes
storywestistrash · 10 days
Text
i am actually so tired of the way westerners treat eastern europeans
#fair warning for. a very very long ramble and rant in the tags. apologies#westerner or russian. no other option#westerner because the only thought they ever have is 'but they had universal housing so if you oppose ussr you oppose that'#(which is stupid becuse you can believe in that WITHOUT WANTING LIKE 6 COUNTRIES TO BE FORCED TO BE RULED OVER BY RUSSIA)#(SORRY FOR WANTING TO LIVE IN MY COUNTRY WITH MY HISTORY AND MY CULTURE AND NOT RUSSIA!!) (poland was a sattelite state but GOD)#or russian because they have a victim complex and are convinced that they deserve to rule over the entire damn world#'well you had universal housing so you had it easy' right yeah. okay. forget about like. everything else that happened#to eastern europeans during that time#forget about the things that are STILL issues all these years later not only in poland but like the more eastern countries too#its not about. the fact that the houses 'didnt have 3 bedrooms and a jacuzzi' in them. you DUMB SACK OF SHIT#god sorry. sorry. i also know so very little but like god damn i fucking live here. i didnt sit thru all that modern history#for some dumbfuck to say that 'ohhh only rich and american middle class people are happy the ussr was dissolved'#'oooh the dissolving of the ussr was illegal and the countries within it actually liked being there'#im just so fucking tired man i need to. i need to start killing people#and this is all not to mention that theyll say this stupid shit and then deny eastern europeans the things they actually did that were good#FUCK french people for trying to claim maria skłodowska. fuck americans for trying to claim the witcher as their own fantasy world#fuck the way the west is allowed to claim and destroy eastern european culture without any consequence because we dont matter enough#vaguely related but ill throw this in here since anyone finding it is unlikely and im scared of having this opinion#i think one underappreciated aspect of DE (which might be underappreciated because its not actually there and im stupid)#is that its pro-communist while still also giving some criticism to how it was handled and acknowledging that its still not perfect#which makes the writers much better communists than any self-proclaimed one ive ever met in my life who just worships the idea#perhaps its because the writers of the game were not white upper middle-class americans living in the suburbs. among other things#idk de is a game for people far smarter than me and i only played it once and im sure anyone who played it well can clock me as a bad perso#horrible horrible person even which is why im scared of mentioning it. but its an interesting thing. to me#the main thing is that im just not. im not far left enough i suppose. i agree communism in theory is a great idea. as far as i know it#(which isnt very far)#but chances of implementing it correctly in a way that doesnt take away from peoples happiness in other areas is. low. very low#i wrote a short essay about how utopias are inherently contradictory ideas once it wasnt very deep or good but like#you cant have universal happiness without restricting certain freedoms. and when those freedoms are resticted not everyone#will be happy. and then theyre unhappy they will have to be somehow removed or ignored
14 notes · View notes
sodrippy · 29 days
Text
for the billionth time in five years. im so sorry my father suddenly wants to spend Quality Time with his children but ive actually got almost three decades of primary evidence that he does not like me and i definitely absolutely have no interest in spending any more time than necessary w any of my family
7 notes · View notes
mellotronmkll · 1 month
Text
I need to stop having one weird reaction with someone and then letting the anxiety decide in my head that the friendship is doomed because I ruined it like it's my absolute worst trait and I just have to move past it but it's hard
#i have to operate under the assumption that if people have an issue they will tell me but unfortunately this isnt true .#and it has happened to me in the past that i thought everything was ok because people were giving signals i wasnt picking up on#due to the autism so now im paranoid and constantly looking for signs i did something wrong and people are mad#and then i find them where they arent there which perversely does more to ruin a friendship than almost anything else#like the constant Are you mad at me... so i try to force myself not to do that and just#try to again assume that people arent however. im so worried about being blindsided Also of course i naturally dont want to make people#upset so if i am doing something wrong i want to change my behavior. however the fact its nuanced like#where you have to only do that a little bit and then take people at their word most of the time#fucking sucks like you actually are required in relationships to read peoples unspoken signals but you cant do that Too much#and if you misinterpet them its bad... but you cant ask for feedback too much because thats bad too. IT DOES MY HEAD IN actually like#it makes it so hard for me to interact with people because im just worried All of the time . and i have to be constantly like#ok check the facts and adjust behavior. check the facts and adjust behavior. make sure the facts are facts and not jumping to conclusions.#ok how do i do that . ok when do i ask directly. also people dont always tell the truth when you Do ask directly .#and then this is why my whole life i have mostly kept to myself and im trying to stop doing that but its hard because talking to others is a#puzzle for me that stresses me out more than anything else. man this sucksssssss can i just BE NORMAL!!!!!!#i know like Everyone has this problem its a common issue with relationships Communication but it feels especislly difficult for me .i#like cant fathom how other people manage very large numbers of friendships like even being able to count my close friends#on one hand i feel like im barely managing everything and im letting everyone down constantly but again i think thatsnonly my perception/#worry and not even true. god
7 notes · View notes
novampiresremain · 2 days
Text
hello long vent / kinda updates ( in tags for both ) & also i love you all sm
#life is hard man#i cant socialize for shit#i appreciate everyone whose been reaching out to me and stuff#i wanna clarify my lack of responses is due to the mess that is my life rn#but also im autistic as hell and bad at messaging#tbh#i just have lots of trauma / problems there so communication is really difficult for me#and i am not sure how to navigate it#im doing my best but it is so hard#im not good at messaging back or knowing what to say etc#its been really hard#im an anxious mess most days#and its honestly not getting better its getting worse#i have lots of untreated mental stuff going on#managed to do a screening yesterday so the ball is rolling but its slow & im out of time#rn my partner + friends & wrestling are whats getting me through this#like aside from my cat and a junk drawer full of small things thats about what i got#and life is not very kind to me / us#feels like its working against us actively tbh#and theres some family stuff that went down thats intense#after my nightmare day at all out. i learned a lot more about my place in my family that i didnt really wanna learn rn#so i am. a mess#all my problems are literally so severe i cannot function. i cant do tasks. i cant think. i literally have panic attacks over everything#anxiety attacks that last whole days or hours cause my skin just stays shaking and wrong#my ocd is unbearable#and i cant leave my house really anymore#and select moments i can but. i dont even have those anymore really#i wish i could explain the mess of how bad im doing and also express the gratitude for the people still around#or the people checking in#i am trying to! i am still trying.
5 notes · View notes
mueritos · 2 years
Note
bestie you often reblog the 'when things are scary' cat are you okay? sending you hugs and some love
ah 😭 im in a much better place rn and definitely surrounded with support and not in the fucking su*c*dal trenches I was last semester, but ive just been thinking a bit this morning and hilariously a lot of the readings im doing for research have been helping me settle in some feelings. i have therapy later today and i would never dump my private life online. just working thru some resentment and realizing that in a lot of ways i'm seen as far too independent and level headed to be asked if i am okay. i'll feel much better after therapy tho, but i have to just sit in these feelings and remind my body im in the present. thanks for checking in tho 😭😭
73 notes · View notes
mejomonster · 2 months
Text
I hate panic attacks
#rant#which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them#i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything#ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me#but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually#but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks#im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself#turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for#trigger from self hating thiught loops#it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u#physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in#the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation#but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself#in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last#longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more#im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours#im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for#hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying#in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop#altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life#and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway
4 notes · View notes
toxifoxx · 4 months
Text
i need my brain rewritten bro
4 notes · View notes
batemanofficial · 26 days
Text
.
#i can't live like this anymore.#no matter what happens it's always my fault. it can never be anyone else's. and when i try to contest that i get treated like a rabid dog#so youre saying the only role im fit for is 'alcoholic shut in?' is that what you're implying? because that's what it seems like#i can't believe i ever fooled myself into thinking anything would change as long as im here.#no matter how much medication i take this town will always make me fantasize about making myself suffer.#it's a black hole. it's a well of misery. no light escapes and it taints everything inside. i can't have anything good here#i know there's something wrong with me. i get it. but it's like being here makes it worse#im a bad person. i don't want to be a good person. it doesn't feel bad. it just feels warm.#but i can take that and put it in a box when im not here. but its like this place IS the box and when im here it just festers#and because of that i can't ever be taken seriously when i have a problem. im always too emotional and too angry and too sensitive#and even if I wasn't any of those things they wouldn't take me seriously anyway.#it's one thing to say your kitchen doesn't have a problem with women and it's another thing entirely to stay true to that.#if a ticket is too slow it's my fault. if the temp on a steak is wrong it's my (female) coworker's fault. if something's not organized#it's one of the girls that left it that way. always.#but whenever the guys have problems it's 'just how it is' but when uts any of us it warrants a talking to every time#if i were normal it wouldn't bother me this much but im not and it does. and no amount of reasoning will ever change a man's mind#this was good while it lasted but i need to leave. my life depends on it. i can't survive here.
4 notes · View notes
widevibratobitch · 2 months
Text
christ i know its her birthday but i just have too much to do i cant manage that i really cant. but the paralysing fucking dread of having to tell her that sure is something lol
3 notes · View notes