#and im trying and its not like my life is even that bad but man. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

phagodyke · 6 months ago

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still just so so disappointed though :-(

#like its ok... but my heart hurts #so frustrating struggling with little things that seem to come to other people so much more easily #i feel like i only live half the life that other people do. or less like i just feel so slow and incapable and far behind everyone else #and i dont think ill ever catch up. and thats okay i know its not a race and i know i shouldnt compare myself to others #n everyone has their own struggles ahhh i know #and im trying and its not like my life is even that bad but man.#its so hard to make peace with only having a half life. always falling short never quite being enough for myself or anyone else #its so alienating i feel so distant and disconnected from everyone and everything so much of the time #and i dont know how to solve that i dont know if its even solvable. i dont want it to be like this forever 🥹🥹🥹🥹#its okay sometimes. i just have to do my best to live my life in those fragments and then just get by the rest of the time #at least having the flat to myself this weekend means i can cry openly and dont have to hold my breath to not make noise when im sobbing #just gotta get it out. ill feel better and worse and better and worse and maybe next weekend will be okay or the next or the next whenever #aw man.#.diaries #3pm and all ive done today is a single load of laundry and cry a lot. why did i even both taking meds this morning #havent been productive and havent done any hobbies or anything for myself i only get 2 days off a week and i waste all that time #like it would be fine if i wanted to do nothing. but i dont!!!!!!!!! i dont want to feel like this and zone out and stare into space #while time just passes and im so tired after work on weekdays its so hard to do anything then its so stupid to waste all this #but i feel so fucking bad i dont even know why im still doing this i need to get up and DO SHIT my mind is a fucking cage please #cant stop crying again now i hate this so much please i dont know what to do about it i just need it to stop

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hinamie · 6 months ago

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I could've been a better man, but I'm not

more lmhs megu bc i love him. he is here fr ur lunch money :>

jjk atla!au with @philosophiums

#my art #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #fanart #jjk fanart #fushiguro megumi #megumi #jjk atla!au #atla!au: art #atla!au: illust #lmhs #megu i love YOUUUUUUUU i have $2 in nickles and a crumpled receipt but its yours u can have it<3 #i just . wanted 2 draw him fighting n looking menacing fgsfhsfk #we decided tht his bending style is an homage 2 his canon technique so ! Hands my beloved <3 #had to pose in front of th mirror to get proper ref smh when will my kotobukiya hand return from war :(#honestly cruel tht we're doing this au Now before i have it JHSDG my life wld b so much easier re: bending ref if i did #well. ref fr everyone but yuuji rly #anywayyyy #decided 2 try smth different n leave the Base sketch visible ? i think i like it w th current style ive got going #makes it Soft n Sketchy #also im SO proud of my me ths the best upward tilt head angle ive ever drawn ?? n it didnt even give me any trouble????#character growth <3 #*looks at clock* hey not bad ! 12:30 !#ws this....4 hours?? 5??? time blurs man idk

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tubbytarchia · 11 months ago

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I don't know what this is all I know is that LimL Joel makes me really emotional

#I know he has a tendency to go deranged on his red lives but idk something about him beginning to lose it after Jimmy died and killing Grian #joel smallishbeans #smallishbeans fanart #trafficblr #Again its his red life shenanigans but... If only Jimmy had known how affected someone was by his death. I'm choosing to believe this #and him then going out like a sad pathetic wet cat even with Grian's sacrifice... He really deserves a win one of these days lmao please #Also I cant stop thinking about how Jimmy wouldn't have left him. Grian was sensible to and most players probs would have #Joel really does become a lost cause so its fair and Grian did still care (and went to say goodbye as well as sacrifice his time for him)#But Jimmy would have stuck by even if Joel were in this state (and they'd both get themselves killed pathetically but)#And Joel having shown such genuine care for Jimmy and concern over his limited time... man anything w Jimmy makes me so emotional lol #I love them so #oh Ig about the art itself. I dont like it but hey thats how it tends to go when you try smth new. And no shame in trying #but if one person likes this then yayy I will still feel accomplished and happy #Im looking at this again and hey its not that bad actually yay I love to approve of my own art. self love hell yea #tubby art

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tacagen · 6 months ago

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one of the things that fascinate me about thawne: yes, he CAN be normal with kids! surprisingly normal!

((not at all times, though. his mental illness still spills through and as usual he, in trying to manipulate or hurt others, spits out at them the exact stuff that would hurt him (or have in his childhood/barry's rejection interpretation) the most in the first place lmao))

but at the same time. his like second instinct when doing his bullshit is FUCK THEM (as) KIDS

(and, well. whatever this classifies as)

#whats wrong with him. seriously. he loves picking fights with literal children So Much #AND NONE OF THEM WITH WALLY ON THE MATTER OF BEING THE BIGGEST FLASH FAN. HOW DID THAT NEVER HAPPEN #about the middle page. honestly i DIDNT remember he is a Jerk in that way too until i checked his interactions with bart for this post #this man officially should not be allowed near children as a mentor.#just straight up drops ALL his insecurities on a poor kid in trying to make him feel ashamed. NO breaking the abuse cycle for this bad boy #the only thing he doesnt say is the direct 'you are a disappointment' altho the message is still the same 💀💀💀💀💀💀#AND I BET HES HELLA PROUD OF THAT. I MEAN CONSIDERING THIS FACT IG HE DOES TRY TO BE BETTER THAN HIS PARENTS. SOMEWHAT.#and omg he formulates his point like in problem based learning (leading the child to making the correct conclusion themselves)#im dying. professor to the fucking core.#and the way he feels the need to bring up flash facts in his appeal?? EO YOURE SO HOPELESS. THIS IS 100% HOW BART SAW HIM THROUGH #and god knows what he told thad promising to get him out of the speed force if he fought barry there and whether he was going to fulfill it #and do you even IMAGINE how FUCKED barry's mental condition would be growing up if thawne fulfilled his button threat #and i really REALLY wonder about the tornado twins and their relationship with 'uncle eobard' but that will be a separate post #he doesnt know any other way tho. and he might be actually mad at bart for not supporting his every action as The Flash #like. he tries to play family but the second they question he just goes WHATEVER. I DONT NEED IT. FLASH OF MY VISION RUNS ALONE #his problem is that he just wants attention. he doesnt see family/heroing for what 'its really about' or downsides that may come with them #everything is so idealized in his head. and the moment he faces reality with its complications the concept immediately gets antagonized.#and then he reconsiders and changes the conditions but fails each time never realizing the problem is his mindset and not everything else #black white at its finest yall #and man. RELATABLE.#also WHY is he standing LIKE A STATUE when appearing in front of bart????😭😭😭😭#poor museum rat has no idea what heroes in real life stand like #eobard thawne #professor zoom #reverse flash #the reverse flash #bart allen #the flash #dc

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bacchuschucklefuck · 7 months ago

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love thinking kipperlilly spends her afterlife looking for lucy in a familiar forest

#not art #fhjy #fhjy spoilers #like. does she have a mean of knowing lucy and yolanda got sent to cassandra's domain to hang out for a bit #kipperlilly's isolation means so much to me. she is punished for everything she's done she just doesn't pick up on it #until the moment she dies! one more funky thing that mirrors riz in which he's actively tried to cultivate a community and denied it #until the bad kids. while kipperlilly does not want or care about a community she just wants someone who validates her #but she does Need a community so she latches onto the person she lets closer to her to fulfill her emotional needs #she took the ritual willingly so this might genuinely be her first death. probably terrifying #probably not even enough bandwidth to feel mortified. maybe immediately seeking something comforting out of instinct alone #lmao honestly thinking too much abt fantasy high afterlifes gives me a headache And a visceral fear #Im not religious but I grew up in a culture with a dominantly buddhist/taoist cosmology its Scary that u just go to A Place after u die!!#and then ur still urself!!! thats scary to me what do u mean u stay like that forever. thats fucked #but yeah I think this influences how I see kipperlilly turn out a little bit. in a sense I think of her as being a ghost now #yknow. trying to solve something from life so she can move on and. stop living this life etc #man the reveal that lucy took being killed pretty seriously and is like yeah the others are decent and even sweet #and probably was just trying to hold her party together and do what she thinks is moral by hearing kipperlilly out #lol lmao etc. gods I gotta wonder how kipperlilly's mindset handled jawbones' help #it really is damn tragic tho. I stand by what I said folks like this will complain and be nasty to be around #but they dont have enough desire to inconvenience themselves to off the bat do something abt what they find unfair or whatever #its when theyre handed the seemingly very easy means to be right that they'll start being dangerous #its horribly tragic that the supposed metaplayer and the self-perceived mastermind turned out to ultimately be just an useful idiot #yknow what. I think personally in my heart kipperlilly moves on from her afterlife the moment she says sorry #doesnt even have to be to lucy but that's probably gonna be who received it #ah.... teenage rebellion. teenage gamejacking

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storywestistrash · 3 months ago

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i am actually so tired of the way westerners treat eastern europeans

#fair warning for. a very very long ramble and rant in the tags. apologies #westerner or russian. no other option #westerner because the only thought they ever have is 'but they had universal housing so if you oppose ussr you oppose that'#(which is stupid becuse you can believe in that WITHOUT WANTING LIKE 6 COUNTRIES TO BE FORCED TO BE RULED OVER BY RUSSIA)#(SORRY FOR WANTING TO LIVE IN MY COUNTRY WITH MY HISTORY AND MY CULTURE AND NOT RUSSIA!!) (poland was a sattelite state but GOD)#or russian because they have a victim complex and are convinced that they deserve to rule over the entire damn world #'well you had universal housing so you had it easy' right yeah. okay. forget about like. everything else that happened #to eastern europeans during that time #forget about the things that are STILL issues all these years later not only in poland but like the more eastern countries too #its not about. the fact that the houses 'didnt have 3 bedrooms and a jacuzzi' in them. you DUMB SACK OF SHIT #god sorry. sorry. i also know so very little but like god damn i fucking live here. i didnt sit thru all that modern history #for some dumbfuck to say that 'ohhh only rich and american middle class people are happy the ussr was dissolved'#'oooh the dissolving of the ussr was illegal and the countries within it actually liked being there'#im just so fucking tired man i need to. i need to start killing people #and this is all not to mention that theyll say this stupid shit and then deny eastern europeans the things they actually did that were good #FUCK french people for trying to claim maria skłodowska. fuck americans for trying to claim the witcher as their own fantasy world #fuck the way the west is allowed to claim and destroy eastern european culture without any consequence because we dont matter enough #vaguely related but ill throw this in here since anyone finding it is unlikely and im scared of having this opinion #i think one underappreciated aspect of DE (which might be underappreciated because its not actually there and im stupid)#is that its pro-communist while still also giving some criticism to how it was handled and acknowledging that its still not perfect #which makes the writers much better communists than any self-proclaimed one ive ever met in my life who just worships the idea #perhaps its because the writers of the game were not white upper middle-class americans living in the suburbs. among other things #idk de is a game for people far smarter than me and i only played it once and im sure anyone who played it well can clock me as a bad perso #horrible horrible person even which is why im scared of mentioning it. but its an interesting thing. to me #the main thing is that im just not. im not far left enough i suppose. i agree communism in theory is a great idea. as far as i know it #(which isnt very far)#but chances of implementing it correctly in a way that doesnt take away from peoples happiness in other areas is. low. very low #i wrote a short essay about how utopias are inherently contradictory ideas once it wasnt very deep or good but like #you cant have universal happiness without restricting certain freedoms. and when those freedoms are resticted not everyone #will be happy. and then theyre unhappy they will have to be somehow removed or ignored

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mellotronmkll · 4 months ago

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I need to stop having one weird reaction with someone and then letting the anxiety decide in my head that the friendship is doomed because I ruined it like it's my absolute worst trait and I just have to move past it but it's hard

#i have to operate under the assumption that if people have an issue they will tell me but unfortunately this isnt true .#and it has happened to me in the past that i thought everything was ok because people were giving signals i wasnt picking up on #due to the autism so now im paranoid and constantly looking for signs i did something wrong and people are mad #and then i find them where they arent there which perversely does more to ruin a friendship than almost anything else #like the constant Are you mad at me... so i try to force myself not to do that and just #try to again assume that people arent however. im so worried about being blindsided Also of course i naturally dont want to make people #upset so if i am doing something wrong i want to change my behavior. however the fact its nuanced like #where you have to only do that a little bit and then take people at their word most of the time #fucking sucks like you actually are required in relationships to read peoples unspoken signals but you cant do that Too much #and if you misinterpet them its bad... but you cant ask for feedback too much because thats bad too. IT DOES MY HEAD IN actually like #it makes it so hard for me to interact with people because im just worried All of the time . and i have to be constantly like #ok check the facts and adjust behavior. check the facts and adjust behavior. make sure the facts are facts and not jumping to conclusions.#ok how do i do that . ok when do i ask directly. also people dont always tell the truth when you Do ask directly .#and then this is why my whole life i have mostly kept to myself and im trying to stop doing that but its hard because talking to others is a #puzzle for me that stresses me out more than anything else. man this sucksssssss can i just BE NORMAL!!!!!!#i know like Everyone has this problem its a common issue with relationships Communication but it feels especislly difficult for me .i #like cant fathom how other people manage very large numbers of friendships like even being able to count my close friends #on one hand i feel like im barely managing everything and im letting everyone down constantly but again i think thatsnonly my perception/#worry and not even true. god

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downfallofi · 2 months ago

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If I had to describe the mood, it really is like when you grow up with an abusive parent; and there are bad days where you're just willing for them to go to work and be gone all day so you don't have to hear them yelling and slamming shit

#That plus mixed with like #Slightly more adult feelings of unspoken resentment bubbling under the surface #And complicated webs of need #Like I need a place to live - so as not to be homeless #You need - idk question mark? To feel heard and valued #Okay but like talking down to the adults in the house and plus the eighteen year old #Talking to everyone in an insulting babying voice #Because youre JUST TRYING TO BE CLEAR #It sucks man #Its been all weekend and yeah I was just like please go to work please go to work #And like I love my sister and my nieces but this environment is nothing but passive and active harm #And micro- to macro-aggression masquerading as control #And like when is the breaking point?#You really like.#Lose a LOT of your goodwill and empathy even for someone you love #When they react the same harmful ways that #Even the youngest child has pointed out is harmful! is negative! makes them feel bad!#But they just keep acting and lashing out bc they arent being heard #Bc SHES tired SHE didnt sleep SHES anxious she #You know?#Like to make your reactions to stimulus everyone in the houses triggers is #And to not try to find outlets to help make things better for everyone #Rather to say every time IM SUCH A BITCH IM SOOO SORRY. I SHOULD JUST. STOP. TALKING #Fuck man #I need my own space #(I need to drive off a bridge)#I just need to find a space away from all of this drama in this house man #Sorry this is a lot but i wouldnt be able to express this much feeling to anyone #Nor do I feel like I have a right to inflict my stupid bullshit life problems and whiny emo shit on anyone #Long tags are long

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mueritos · 2 years ago

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bestie you often reblog the 'when things are scary' cat are you okay? sending you hugs and some love

ah 😭 im in a much better place rn and definitely surrounded with support and not in the fucking su*c*dal trenches I was last semester, but ive just been thinking a bit this morning and hilariously a lot of the readings im doing for research have been helping me settle in some feelings. i have therapy later today and i would never dump my private life online. just working thru some resentment and realizing that in a lot of ways i'm seen as far too independent and level headed to be asked if i am okay. i'll feel much better after therapy tho, but i have to just sit in these feelings and remind my body im in the present. thanks for checking in tho 😭😭

#muertoresponds #i never want to be where i was last semester #but god is it still traumatizing #just tryna sit in my feelings #ive been misunderstood my entire life #that unfortunately even at my lowest and most suicidal ever people still thought i was....capable....#when really i was so low because it felt like no one was trying...to reach out...#and i understand theres some responsibility on my end to communicate how bad i was doing but guys.....#i cant even explain how fucking obvious it was. everyone knew. and no one ever asked if i was okay #i am unfortunately the therapist friend who is always giving but can never ever receive the same support #im doing a lot better but man does it sure like. trigger me and make me feel resentful #im not alone its not october or november im not alone im not alone #it is february i have friends and i am not alone i am not alone #sigh

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toxifoxx · 6 months ago

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i need my brain rewritten bro

#i cannot keep existing in the way i do now #i mean i could but its awful. Not the worst version of me but still bad #i need a different personality i need a different way of thinking i need to stop being mentally ill #but there is literally nothing i can do about the way i am and i feel so helpless #i want to talk to people i want the motivation to reach out and take what i want and need #but my anxiety doesnt budge. my chronic fatigue doesnt budge. i just cant. and im so sick of being told i can #if i were to just try harder and put my mind to it #what i need is like. Someone else to permanently take over my brain for me #i cant fucking live the way i am #i need to be someone different #EVEN COMPARE TO EVERYONE ELSE. I AM A UNIQUE CASE OF AWFUL #no one else is fucking struggling to interact! or do like most things in their life!#i genuinely cant come close to living a normal or good life as i am now #i can even look the *direction* of other people. i go full silent on group calls.#i go full silent in text chats of people i dont know well and it prevents me from connecting entirely #i freeze up i get scared i retreat into my shell or give up cause who cares its not their job to coddle me #i literally. i should not exist #im not human and not even in a fun or quirky way. i am just fundamentally incompatible with like . life itself.#whats the point man. this isnt a life

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phagodyke · 2 months ago

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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man #thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking #mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they #dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done #listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life #i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this #once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i #dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this #ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be #i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about #how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being #given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out #entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please #its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have #to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once #and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general #feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this #but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is #i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired #i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if #i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore #i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr #and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning #my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better #it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood #my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it #cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen #.vent #ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.

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batemanofficial · 4 months ago

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.

#i can't live like this anymore.#no matter what happens it's always my fault. it can never be anyone else's. and when i try to contest that i get treated like a rabid dog #so youre saying the only role im fit for is 'alcoholic shut in?' is that what you're implying? because that's what it seems like #i can't believe i ever fooled myself into thinking anything would change as long as im here.#no matter how much medication i take this town will always make me fantasize about making myself suffer.#it's a black hole. it's a well of misery. no light escapes and it taints everything inside. i can't have anything good here #i know there's something wrong with me. i get it. but it's like being here makes it worse #im a bad person. i don't want to be a good person. it doesn't feel bad. it just feels warm.#but i can take that and put it in a box when im not here. but its like this place IS the box and when im here it just festers #and because of that i can't ever be taken seriously when i have a problem. im always too emotional and too angry and too sensitive #and even if I wasn't any of those things they wouldn't take me seriously anyway.#it's one thing to say your kitchen doesn't have a problem with women and it's another thing entirely to stay true to that.#if a ticket is too slow it's my fault. if the temp on a steak is wrong it's my (female) coworker's fault. if something's not organized #it's one of the girls that left it that way. always.#but whenever the guys have problems it's 'just how it is' but when uts any of us it warrants a talking to every time #if i were normal it wouldn't bother me this much but im not and it does. and no amount of reasoning will ever change a man's mind #this was good while it lasted but i need to leave. my life depends on it. i can't survive here.

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widevibratobitch · 4 months ago

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christ i know its her birthday but i just have too much to do i cant manage that i really cant. but the paralysing fucking dread of having to tell her that sure is something lol

#love her a lot and we've been friends for almost 10 years now but the way im always walking on eggshells around her #to make sure i dont upset her because i know it only takes the tiniest bit of fuckup and she's mad before you even realise it #like fucksake not to say im jesus or sth but i try so hard to be understanding and not get mad at people because damn dude stuff happens #or sometimes there is no stuff. sometimes you just feel Bad and dont wanna hang out. and i get that i truly viscerally get that #and ive never ONCE gotten mad at her for cancelling. scratch that. never once got mad at her for ANYTHING #never once told her she disappointed me or let me down because good christ i just dont look at people like that #i just wish so desperately this approach would be extended to ME every once in a while #im so fucking tired man i dont get it #i couldnt imagine going through life thinking anyone owes you anything.#she forgot my birthday this year and i didnt care. she didnt arrive to the planned weekend out at my place with our friends #and i said dw about it its fine i understand that you're not feeling well rn its okay no problem we'll hang out another time #have i EVER heard that from anyone else. no it's always the ✨getting mad✨ option #god i wish i could like. Not Care. like genuinely not care instead of gaslighting myself into not caring lol

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tortoise-teapot · 6 months ago

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this tiny mortified storyboard solas is my favorite one i've ever drawn

#how the FUCK am i going to translate this to my regular style #i don't know what this even looks like on a real face #Fucking Mortified #personal log #this comic is gonna suck because i literally cannot write solas but its funny and i need to see him embarrass himself so bad #“ohhh yeah i am so fucking efficient i am going to impress lavellan so hard rn this guy is going to be all better in 0.5 seconds im so sexy #*heals like marcille dunmeshi in front of healer lavellan*#*man experiences the worst pain in his entire life* *sound of wet bones popping* *guttural primal screaming*#“hm. i think i should go now.”#and he only ever healed unconscious people again lmao #he leaves big ole fuckin scars too. he's shit at healing #actually i take it back it's 'oh. no. he asked me to help. this is literally a no win situation for me'#instead of 'hehe im so sexy'#because he knows that the guy he's trying to impress is mr. 'huh. that kinda tingles.' specialized healer #who has only ever seen solas heal unconscious people before #SEE I CAN'T WRITE HIM FOR SHIT #no. no i was right. he's both. version 1 is revved up youngblood solas #then he fucked around and found out that people generally don't like severe pain sounds #dammit i'm an artist not a writer jim #ranting to myself in my own tags. if you're reading this: hi! it feels good to be known

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wawek · 1 year ago

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I say this often but its crazy how much of a vortex depression is.

#I dont feel like... safe or particularly fulfilled rn and i have major major mood swings at least once a week but its not like.#Bleak as fuck. I think the language of 'the world is without colour' never does it for me bc thats how id describe it when im out of it #but when im depressed my main feeling is that i am a person that was born without a soul whose main purpose in life is to kill myself #because i cant bear to do or think anything else. And like even talking about it while in that mental state feels incredibely like.#Like youre doing something disgusting because its a cry for attention or for help so you have to put it in a way that makes it clear that #you are not trying to escape your destiny by trying to convince someone you are worthy of living.#And then like. At some point you stop feeling like that and you forget about it...#until youre there again. and you forget what its like to not be in it. its crazyyyy to me its just crazy #barking #ultimately im very lucky.#Because i really dont believe you can just will yourself out of that hole i really think the enviroment is like 99% of it #and well i will prolly end up in that hole again maybe even this year. but maybe ill have something to pull me out #some ability to change the thing thats making me feel like that #and idk its so like. awful that that isnt always the case. sometimes youre just drowning in it and theres nothing #just my late night thoughts thats why i need that weed bad man

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rustbeltbabey · 7 months ago

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boo hoo sad pity party posting hours LMAO but I rlly truly don't think I will ever be in another relationship again. I don't feel that I will every b desirable or deserving enough, and I don't feel like I will ever even b seen as a guy n idk. I just don't know.

#mayave its imposter syndrome maybe its internalized transphobia but i dont think any gay man would ever date me bc i dont thibk any of them #would thibk of me as a man. idk. maybe this will change once i start like. PHYICALLY transitioning but i rlly feel like theres no hope 4 me #i feel like i will always be thought of as a woman for the rest of my life i feel like i will never pass as anything but a woman i feel like #i dont have any positive qualities i don't like a single thing abt myself i dont thibk im capable of loving someone im so distant w everyone #im so scared of phyically and emotional intimacy i feel like a burden i dont even know how to act like a man and i KNOW that thst isnt a #fucking thing i KNOW theres no right way of being a man i know that logically but still the fact that i grew up isolated from men and #that i rarely interact w them even to this day i have no male friends no male role models nothing im so scared im gonna like.#break social rules n shit which is RIDICULOUS bc once again there's no right way to b a guy or to preform masculinity and also im so early #in my transition no one even knows im a guy anways. but also im worri3d bc of thst no one will ever seen me as one unless i start conforming #to traditional masculinity and i dont know now to emulate it bc ivenonly ever seen it from afar i dont actually know what guys talk about #howbthey act around eachother what is socially acceptable or not i dont have a clue bc i dont ever interact w men and its like. fucking #stupid of me to even want to know bc it shouldn't matter to me BUT IT DOES and it makes me so anxious that i do not know how to emulate it #even if i wanted to i wouldnt know how bc i grew up in a fucking cult and i know so little men and i have terrible social skills n i #probably have autism which just. everything is compounded upon eachother n i feel like im going crazy i dont think ill ever be enough.#I hope i'm in a better mental place when i start t but even that im so fucking bad at doing things bc i have executive dysfunction that like #i havent even started tbe process or called thr clinic im just likem fucking spiraling. I hope my mindset becomes healthier once I start.#anwyss lol. do u guys like me? bc i feel like im unbearable n im trying not to be let me know if u do or not so i can try to cahnge ^.^#🪽

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