#ive got some rational anxieties but also a lot of really stupid small ones just that are so all over my brain

[asfdhgsdkjhgb]

god is swuarshing me beneath his thumb like i am an aphid or perhaps a clover mite. yeah. its slow and painful and im small. and also meek

[okietokiee]

Tokigail / Post-Doomstar

@edgtheow  I always see your Tokigail posts and tbh that’s one of my favorite rare pair ships too!! But their ao3 tag is practically empty ;o; so I wrote a sappy post-dsr fic because this rare pair deserves some love :’)

This is set during Doomstar when the Dethlights happened and then immediately after. And some headcanons I’m using for context: both Toki and Abigail were brutally tortured by Magnus and MMA, but the Dethlights ordeal healed most of Toki’s physical injuries

Rating: T

Abigail’s POV

Abigail was a logical woman. Growing up, she prided herself for her rationality and sensible nature. She’d see something unfamiliar and a majority of the time she was able to analyze the issue or situation and decide what to do next. 

This was not one of those times. 

She could still hardly even believe those selfish, narcissistic assholes actually even showed up. And with such stupidly dramatic timing too, when she had already fully resigned herself to her painful, brutal end in this dungeon at the hands of a man she hardly knew.

And now, looking up at this blindingly bright beam of light levitating those assholes and making them look like some kind of godly celestial beings, she was half convinced this was all just a wild fever dream she was experiencing moments before her death. 

It didn’t help that after the sudden burst of color, everything was a literal blur of empty scenes and lost time. She felt nauseous and lightheaded, a state she’d become accustomed to after months locked up. After an indefinite period of time that could’ve been five minutes or five hours, she was drowned with a litany of random voices she couldn’t distinguish. 

The only distant, grounding voice that broke through the fog was a warm, familiar, “Abigail, we ams safe now…” 

And that familiar sound was enough to convince her that yes, this was real. This was it. The whole world could fall to complete shit, but she’d recognize that voice anywhere. She let out a deep, contented sigh, as she was hoisted up by a taller body. 

She closed her eyes, finally embracing the exhaustion that’s been permeating her whole being for what felt like eternity. 

——————

A few weeks later, Abigail awoke to the faint whirring of machinery and nauseatingly bright hospital lights. She frowned, feeling something weighing down on her left side, and she chanced a small movement of her head to see, to her relief, a sleeping head with long, chestnut brown hair. 

Toki had a firm hold of her hand, their fingers interlaced in a familiar grip. She chanced a small smile, feeling her body relax fully into the hard hospital mattress. 

Seeing Toki somehow alleviated a lot of her sudden fear and anxiety. Not all of it, no, not by a long shot. But they were each other’s only solace down in that hell, and it seemed her brain still recognized him as such. 

She was surprised to see that Toki looked infinitely better than she remembered. Though it was expected since they were finally being treated, she didn’t think it was possible for him to gain back all that weight so fast if what she could see of him was anything to go by. His sallow, sunken cheeks looked full and healthy again, and his previously corpse-like pallor had returned to a state similar to before the kidnapping. 

She had a passing idea that perhaps that blinding beam of light had something to do with this, but just thinking of that ordeal gave her a splitting headache. She sighed weakly, untangling her fingers from the guitarist’s to instead idly stroke his hair in familiar movements. 

She had no idea how much time could have possibly passed, Toki’s soft breathing and her own idle ministrations the only thing she felt rooted her to reality. And Abigail was startled to hear an abrupt cough, and she sat up a bit to see one Swedish guitarist looking more uncomfortable and awkward than she’d ever seen him. 

Skwisgaar nervously shuffled closer to her bed. “Ah… I sees you ams awakes.” He cast an unreadable glance at Toki. “He woulds nots leaves you alone. We ams glads you ams all rights.”

Abigail was not impressed and gave Skwisgaar a look that screamed, ‘Really? That’s all you have to say?’

Skwisgaar physically gulped, his guilt and discomfort apparent. “I… no, de whole bands, we wishes we came earlier. We ams all stupid idiots. Ams all so sorries, ands I know dere is no way to evers really apologizke for dis, buts I just…” He faltered. “He… Toki I means, he so worrierds and keeps saysing he woulds never have mades it wivout yous. I just wants to takk, uh, tanks you for beinks dere for him. We knows it was hells for you too, you didn’ts need to do so much, buts you dids.”

Abigail let a small grin grace her deadpan expression. She chanced a reply, not surprised at how sore her throat felt and her weak, cracked tone of voice. “There’s no need to thank me Skwisgaar. Toki and I… we, well, we needed each other to stay sane down there.” 

Skwisgaar gave her an unidentifiable look in return and seemed as though he were about to say more, when Toki began to stir awake at Abigail’s side. 

“Abbygale?…Yous awakes!” He exclaimed after blinking the sleepiness from his eyes. He shot up from his chair and held Abigail in an excited, surprisingly gentle hug. He was muttering gibberish as he held her, an enthusiastic mixture of Norwegian and English and everything in between. 

Abigail chuckled warmly, returning the hug as best she could with an IV up her arm. 

Satisfied, Toki backed off, but kept his hands on Abigail’s shoulder moving in soothing ministrations. His face was close and expression simultaneously joyous and anxious.

“Abby, Toki ams so happies yous wakes up! De doctors, de says dat if you sleeps for too longs it woulds be real bads, buts I knew you woulds wakes up! Toki knows! How ams you feelings? Anyting hurts? Ah, but de doctors! I go gets dem, dey needs to sees you, but Toki don’ts wants to leaves yous! What we do-”

Abigail gave Toki a fond, exasperated look. She was about to mention that Skwisgaar could alert the doctors, but when she looked to her side she was confused to see the spot empty, the Swede having made a hasty, unnoticed departure. 

Within moments a team of medical professionals rushed in to check up on Abigail’s condition. 

After they left satisfied with their findings and to prepare some further tests, Abigail heaved an anxious sigh. From what the doctor had said so far, it seemed that physically she was doing well considering what her body had been through, but she’d still need quite a bit of physical therapy and further tests. Psychologically though, that was to be determined, and considering the paranoia and anxiety permeating through her body, she did not have high hopes for that.

But, despite whatever trials awaited her, one look at Toki’s eager, hopeful, and absolutely radiant smiling face made her feel like it would be ok.

They made it out of one hell alive, they’d make it out of this too. 

——————

Toki’s POV

Toki saw a blazing, blindingly bright light flash before his eyes and then he felt weightless. He felt it tear through his flesh, simultaneously eviscerating his very being but also creating something new with the ashes. It was disorienting how suddenly it came, and even more so how abruptly it passed. Before he knew it he was back on the floor, fallen to his knees, overcome with exhaustion.

Everything was a blur. His bandmat- no, his brothers breaking into the room and freeing him and Abigail, the sudden lights that seemed to come from the heavens, and the dizzying aftermath of that. If he was to be completely honest, the only constant, grounding thought that helped him regain his bearings was the person who’d been his only comfort for months on end. 

“A-abigail!” He cried, seeing her on the sidelines looking near death. He rushed to stand up, but almost went tumbling down from his shaking legs. Nathan was able to grab hold of him and steady his balance just in time. 

“Abigail! We ams safes now!” Toki yelled. He saw Skwisgaar gently help Abigail up and was immediately distressed to see that it seemed she’d passed out. 

And everything moved so much faster from there.

But regardless, from the warehouse, to the helicopter, and right to the hospital, Toki did not stray far from Abigail’s side. 

——————

Numerous doctors were astounded by the state Toki was in, and not for the reasons everyone was expecting. Though he wasn’t in perfect health, he was exceedingly better than seemed possible for someone stuck in the conditions he was in. 

However, though physically he healed up miraculously fast, he was becoming a nervous wreck. Each day that passed with Abigail still asleep with no signs of waking up made Toki feel like he was slowly but surely suffocating.

And of course, there was the rest of Dethklok too. His brothers. They were as supportive as a group of traumatized, emotionally-stunted man children could possibly be. 

It was strained at first, four members expecting some kind of (well-deserved) anger and resentment from Toki’s side. Being tortured while their bandmates party around the world in a drug-fueled haze would put a bad taste in anyone’s mouth.

But the elation of finally being reunited with his dumb family soothed whatever jagged edges there were and Dethklok had a brutal (read: tearful) homecoming for their rhythm guitarist. 

However, despite their high spirits, Toki couldn’t be content. No, not yet. 

After being cleared by astounded doctors with a clear bill of health after just a few days, he spent his time in Abigail’s room, reading, coloring, sleeping, waiting… always waiting.

It was on one of those quiet days when Skwisgaar and Nathan came to visit, the latter of which threw a surprisingly soft, familiar lump at him. 

“Wowee! Yous guys brought me mines Deddy bear! Takk!” Toki exclaimed with glee, holding his fluffy friend tight. 

“Yeah, we, uh… well, we thought you’d miss him. Since you haven’t been to your room since you got back and everything.” Nathan shrugged, trying to hide a pleased smile. 

“Ja, ands we cames to check ups on yous,” Skwisgaar added.

Toki stiffened. “I ams doins fine.” He said with a rigid tone.

“Yous havent’s left dis rooms in weeks.” Skwisgaar sighed. “We knows you ams worries about hers, but you needs a breaks sometimes.” Toki frowned. “Ams fines. I needs to do dis.”

Nathan coughed, sensing the tension in the air. “Yeah, to be fair Toki, you haven’t even stepped foot in Mordhaus since you got home. And that’s, uh, saying a lot. Since our hospital is attached to Mordhaus and everything.” 

Toki visibly deflated, his expression taking a somber turn. “Abigail… shes was always there for mes, now I needs to bes there for her…” 

Nathan stole a glance at Abigail, his gaze softening. “Yeah, I get it.” 

Skwisgaar, on the other hand, stole a glance at Toki’s downcast face. “Tokis, she wills be alrights…” He tried to say confidently.

Toki gave him a broken look. “Ja, she has to bes…” 

After a few more hushed, somber conversations, Skwisgaar and Nathan were on their way, sensing that Toki wanted to be left alone. 

Though the others visited often, Toki truly didn’t mind some solitude. It wasn’t like he was completely alone anyways. As long as Abigail’s heart was still beating, she was still with him, and he’d stay by her side as long as she needed him to. 

And apparently she only needed him to wait just shy of 4 weeks. 

He was stirred awake by a melodic, albeit weaker voice. He thought he was dreaming for a moment, but was awestruck to see that wasn’t the case. His voice going a mile-a-minute in a mix of every language he vaguely knew. And his emotions were going haywire, his arms both desperate to hold her and scared to death of accidentally hurting her.  

He was infinitely grateful when the doctors rushed in so he wouldn’t have to leave her side. 

After a short check-up and learning that Abigail really was going to be fine, he beamed and was blushing with pure, unadulterated joy. Abigail was awake. She was ok. It was going to be alright. He felt a heavy weight of worry and anxiety lifted off his chest. 

They were both going to be alright.

--------------------

I still plan to add their road to recovery and Dethklok’s POV of their relationship, but I got excited and wanted to share what I had so far so it still has some weird mistakes but aahjkgfure I really like writing Toki smitten with Abigail bc I’m smitten with her too :’)

Also, I left room for possible Skwistokgail because @calliopinot made that one of my all-time favorite OT3 pairings :^) It won’t happen in this fic probably, but the subtle implications !! 

[juicifeur]

Paranoia (Dean x reader)

A/N: Angst. Feedback always welcome! @mcdoyle22

also, I am looking for more forever tags, so if you or any of your mutual wants to be tagged, message me :)

Word Count: 1,647

Your time was winding down much too quickly for your liking. And you just got more and more nervous with every passing minute. Your stomach leaped into your throat whenever you heard a dog howling. You shifted your weight, flinched, every time you thought about what Hell had done to your friends. You cried when you showered, because that was usually the only time you had to yourself.

Crying alone could be the worst feeling in the world. The aches in your chest and the overwhelming feeling of weakness, like you couldn’t sink any lower.

Dean and Sam had both commented on you acting as though something was wrong for the past few days but you shook it off, telling them that it was all okay on your end. It definitely wasn’t all okay, but you made it seem that way to the best of your ability. 

It had been almost six months since both of the Winchester brothers had been badly injured on a hunt. They walked, more like limped, their way to the car where they both quickly fell unconscious. It was a spell that had been put on them. They were bleeding badly from their stomachs and lungs and eyes and watching them suffer was one of the hardest things you’d ever had to do.

Especially as you watched Dean.

You drove them to the nearest hospital, they went into the ER, then the ICU and were attached to multiple machines and IVs with a low chance of survival as the nurses told you. It was the first time that you actually feared something: living in a world without the Winchesters and you had a rational reason behind it.

When they woke up, you lied right to their faces. Years of hunting and pretending made you believable.

You’d been jittery every since. Flinching at every drop of a tack.

You’d known the boys for eight whole years, at first only by reputation, and been together with Dean for five of those years. He didn’t like you much at first. You poked his ears on long car trips, you sung badly, and loudly, to all his least favourite songs. He’d even once referred to you as ‘the annoying little sister he never wanted’. But after you saved his ass from a werewolf, he started to warm up to the idea of being friends.

Being friends turned into something much more after a year and a half of traveling around with the brothers. He’d realized his feelings first, which surprised him as well as Sam, and he asked you out on a date; which in Dean’s dictionary most likely meant a burger and making out in the back seat of the Impala with his hands roaming your body. How romantic.

It hadn’t turned out like that at all. 

Dean Winchester had taken the time to make a reservation at a small restaurant that didn’t smell like grease and high cholesterol and he’d gone out and bought you a single red rose. At that point Sam was worried what had possessed Dean to get him to act this way, but after some convincing (and holy water) you and Dean left that current motel room for a surprisingly sweet evening.

To say that both brothers meant a lot to you was a major understatement. You would do anything for them; including sell your soul.

You knew it was stupid. But you were desperate.

   “Hey, babe?” Dean snapped you out of your thoughts.

   “You’ve been staring at that book for over an hour, are you okay?” He sat down across from you at one of the tables in the library and rested his hand on yours. 

It was true, you were still on the same page as you had been an hour ago, your eyes absently scanning the words without even reading them. Now they looked up to the green eyes of Dean Winchester. He looked worried.

   “Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired.” You said, fake yawning.

   “Y/N, you’ve been saying that for the past month and a half. Talk to me.”

Oh, god, how you wanted to tell him. So you could work through this together. He was too sweet on you and it made you feel absolutely horrible for lying to him. But it was better this way; it would be painful, but it was better. Your heart beat a little faster and you tried to control your breathing, you would just have to lie. Again.

   “Really, Dean. I’m fine.” You smiled softly and stood up from your seat, Walking around the table to place a short kiss to his lips. He nodded, believing you as always, and you walked out of the library.

Sam and Dean were leaving for a hunt the next morning. Your last day, of all days that they could have chosen.

Sam had hugged you and told you not to burn down the bunker. Dean hugged you, kissed you sweetly and told you to be safe.

   “I love you, Y/N.” He mumbled when your head was tucked under his chin. His fingers ran through your hair softly.

You didn’t say it back. You knew he loved you and he knew that you loved him; but you couldn’t say it. It would hurt too much.

   “Come back in one piece for me, okay Winchester?” You looked up at him, patting his cheek gently. He gave you that adorable, albeit goofy grin of his and he kissed your forehead. It was one of the many things you’d miss. 

   “Will do, baby.” He smiled and squeezed your hand one last time before getting into the driver’s seat beside Sam and pulling away from the bunker’s front door.

You watched as the Impala rolled away onto the main road and waited until it was out of sight before you went back inside, where you realized you were crying.

You spent a while cleaning your room, making it look like you’d never lived there at all. Some of the things you found under the bed and in small boxes made your head swim in memories, good and bad. One picture of the brothers, Castiel and yourself that Bobby singer had taken, you slid into your pocket.

You wrote a note and left it on Dean’s pillow. You told him how sorry you were, to look out for Sammy, and most importantly not to try and get you out. You knew they would try. You went to his dresser and pulled out one of his flannels, slipping it over your shoulders. It smelled like him.

You found a bottle of whiskey and sat down at one of the tables in the library, pouring yourself a glass; then another, and another, until your mind started to numb, along with your fingers.  Drinking had always helped numb the pain for a while, but it always came back in the form of a hangover. Luckily, this time, you wouldn’t be around for that.

The bunker was eerie when you were by yourself. No classic rock playing in the distance, no fingers tapping on a keyboard, just silence and the ticking of the clock that seemed to get louder and louder every breath you took.

It was nearly dark when you weakly climbed the stairs to get to the front door. It was heavy, but you got it open. The cool air that rushed through the archway went straight through you, making you shiver, but it wasn’t going to stop you from getting outside. You weren’t going to make another mess for the boys to clean up, and you weren’t going to use up their goofer dust just to buy yourself more time. If your time was up, then your time was up.

Six months wasn’t a lot of time, considering that ten years was the usual minimum. One year would have been plenty for you, but unfortunately your crossroads dealer hadn’t given you the terms and conditions.

You walked down the road a bit before stopping at the turn around and sitting. The ground was cold, and you felt tears building in your eyes as you looked up at the sky, the clouds passing. You weren’t going to put up a fight. If Dean had been the one in your shoes, he would have told himself to go out guns blazing. 

But you? You wanted to leave this earth knowing that you did all you could. Fighting would just make it worse, and this way it would hopefully be quicker. You gripped your gun in your fist and took a deep, shaky breath as more tears started to fall. 

The howling started a few minutes later and your heart rate climbed higher and higher as the demonic sounds got closer. The invisible animals snarled and growled behind you and your knuckles went white as you held onto your gun, lifting it slowly to your temple.

Closer and closer the hounds got. The sound of their claws hitting the dirt road as they approached made you tremble with anxiety. Your stomach twisted into painful knots and sweat started gathering in your palms and on the back of your neck.

Tears streamed down your cheeks and finally you felt the warm breath of a Hellhound on your back. Your breath hitched in your throat and you heard two other hounds come up on the flank of the first. They snarled and circled you, closing you in to your impending demise. Crowley clearly didn’t teach them not to play with their food.

The sun had just started setting, sending the most beautiful colours across the clouds. You suddenly remembered coming out here with Dean to watch the sunset and a sad smile parted your lips. Peace surrounded you like a blanket and you only wished you could see Dean one last time.

You pulled the trigger; you heard the bang, but then everything went black.

Tags:  @evilrocknroll @yoko32me @sherlock44 @too-much-winchester   @krista200022   @mcdoyle22   @landofthemusicalassbutts @leiassorganaa @arixky@katestiel @kylorentrsh @trashbutnotforyou @angel-allie-winchester @thedamnchesters @l8nitl0vr @kickasscas67@aebirdie @kyara2015 @trustnobodyshootfirst @all-ur-friends-r-dead @rhae-winchester @one-shots-supernatural (mcdoyle22 said I could tag you) Message me if you want to be (un)tagged

[adambstingus]

12 Former Porn Addicts Describe The Pitfalls Of A Serious Online Sex Habit

2. THE FATHER WHO KILLED HIMSELF BECAUSE OF AN ADDICTION TO PORN

Within a fairly short period of time, I found myself watching up to eight hours of pornography a day, every day.It wasnt unusual for me to be on a business trip and stay up until 3 or 4AM watching porn, knowing full well that I had an 8AM meeting the next morning where I was making a presentation to sell multi-million dollar software to corporate directors.I was thinking seriously about walking over to the Wal-Mart not too far from where I lived, buying a gun, sticking it in my mouth and pulling the trigger. It was when I started thinking about writing a suicide note to my boysthat, thank God, is when I woke up. I decided that it wasnt the legacy I was going to leave to my kids: the father who killed himself because of an addiction to porn.

3. THE FACT I WAS AROUSED BY SHIT AND ANIMAL PORN MEANT I HAD BRAIN DAMAGE

Since age 19, I’ve been completely unable to control my use of pornography on the Internet, my compulsive masturbation, my driving need to seduce women, and in recent years my nasty habit of spending hundreds of dollars a night in strip clubs, not so much making it rain as shamefully shoveling a wad of 20s at a stripper before scuttling away.My therapist said the fact I was aroused by shit and animal porn meant I had brain damage, simple as that. His conclusion took a couple of days to sink in. Essentially, the part of my mind responsible for rational decision-making has been overridden by a huge desire for more pleasure chemicals, and I do stupid, dangerous things to get those chemicals no matter the consequences. That’s addiction.

4. I AM A RECOVERING PORN ADDICT; I AM ALSO A 25-YEAR-OLD WOMAN

I am a recovering porn addict. I am also a 25-year-old woman.I watched and masturbated to movies in the “Girlvert” and “Meatholes” series, where the obvious goal was to humiliate and degrade the women involved. The disturbing thing was that I had been performing in porn for a few years myself by then, and I knew exactly the sort of cruelty, abuse and exploitation that went on behind the scenes. Yet I still watched and got off to these horribly violent and misogynist forms of pornography.

6. I WAS LYING TO PEOPLE ABOUT WHAT I WAS DOING

It was starting to take up large chunks of my time; I was lying to people about what I was doing in my spare time. I’d stay up viewing all night and go to work on an hour’s sleep; it was affecting my productivity, my health, my relationships and friendships. There were times I didn’t turn up to people’s parties or I wouldn’t go out, because I’d been viewing all day, or I’d think, I’ll just view one more thing before I leave. It’s a bit like when someone goes into a casino and they lose track of time and then they realize they’ve been in there for a day.

7. Shooting up on porn allowed me to savor female energies without all the emotions

Like millions of other well-functioning married men with issues, I turned to pornography. For several years I wanked myself stupid. Time and space was filled with horniness beyond my wildest dreams. Time that might otherwise have been used to be creative, productive, or even just plain bored got devoured by lust. In any moment where there was a desire for some escape from life I scored some porn.I hated porn. I couldnt sniff her, worship her or probe the beauty of her being. I couldnt feel her essence bathing my wounded masculinity to wholeness.But for me, porn somehow replaced the real thing. It was just, well, easier. Neurosis-free women.Shooting up on porn allowed me to savor female energies without all the emotions. Small men everywhere, who would rather not deal with the truth that women have for them, can go get a fill of female energy, have a beer, then get on with their day. Men, what is happening to us?

8. MY HEART WOULD THUMP WITH A MIX OF THRILL AND SHAME

I would sneak downstairs to the family computer once the house was dark. As I would settle into the polyester-cotton seat of the swivel chair and open a browser, my heart would thump with a mix of thrill and shame, my ears perked for any reason to abort my missionzip, pull and dart with an excuse ready about checking the weather for tomorrow.It was an addicts high, a high-stakes heist for sexual pleasurean association that would not soon recede in my primal brain.I found myself rapidly desensitized to online images. If a threesome was kinky last week, then Id need something wilder this week. To reach climax, I had to find that same toxic mix of shame and lust.It was a dissociative, alienating, almost inhuman task to close my eyes while having sex with someone I really cared about and imagine having sex with someone else or recall a deviant video from the archives of my youth that I was ashamed of even then.

9. THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME

One day I was watching pornography in my car, when I realized that I was late for my test. I closed my laptop and ran off. When I came back I found my car broken into, and my laptop gone. That evening my friend and I went to a strip club to help me feel better. My friend soon got tired and wanted to go home, but I couldnt get myself to walk away. Observing the consequences of my actions and my inability to walk away forced me to suspect that may be there was something was wrong with me after all.

10. IT HAS AFFECTED MY ERECTIONS

I was 15 when I started watching porn after my parents bought me a laptop. I did what pretty much any teenage boy does and look up porn websites. It became an everyday thing very quickly. I was watching porn for two hours a day.I found a website dedicated to porn addiction and I felt like I had an epiphany. I felt like I wasn’t alone any more. I did 100 days of porn abstinence and masturbation abstinence. It’s exactly like going cold turkey. The first two weeks were pretty awful with lots of mood swings. It was rough, it was really rough. There were sleepless nights. There were nights where I’d wake up in cold sweats. I’ve been able to get back to my routines and I’ve been OK but it has affected my erections. When I’m with a woman I’ve noticed it’s softer down there and I’m not as excited.I couldn’t get erections anymore with real women when I tried because I’d watched so much porn.

11. I HAD TERRIBLE WITHDRAWALS

I was 15 when I first masturbated to online porn. The high I got was immense, and it lasted about 30 minutes. At that point in my life I’d been feeling really low, and had been for about seven years. But, for the first time, I didn’t feel depressed at alleverything lifted. It made me want to do it again, and againso I did, until I was watching online porn every day.Eventually, I became desensitized to ‘vanilla’ guy-on-girl pornit simply didn’t turn me onso I sought out more extreme porn to shock my system into being aroused again. For the same reason, sex with real women was pretty much impossible. I didn’t link it to my porn addictionbecause I didn’t know I had one. I just thought there was something inherently wrong with me, which made me feel more low.I went cold turkey on porn. I had terrible withdrawals. My hands shook and I had awful mood swings, vivid nightmares and hot and cold sweats.

12. YOU NAME A GENRE, AND I WAS PROBABLY INTO IT AT ONE POINT

You name a genre, and I was probably into it at some point. Things that would have disgusted me one month I relied on the next to get me excited. The process Ive described above is well-known to addiction psychologists and therapists and is called desensitization.Excessive abuse over extended periods of time can lead to decreased libido, erectile dysfunction and impotence. In my case, the warning signs were there. I felt terrible after a session browsing the dark side of the neta mixture of shame, disgust, dissatisfaction, depression. I realized I could bring myself literally to the brink of orgasm solely with visual stimulationwithout using my hands at all. The encounters I had with women felt somehow disappointing. Sexually I felt a bit dead, occasionally I failed to maintain an erection. Desensitization is an apt word, because years of beating my meat to porn left my penis less sensitive to touch. I blamed it on condoms, on performance anxiety, on alcohol, on being out of shape, but finally, I realized the truth: porn.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/12-former-porn-addicts-describe-the-pitfalls-of-a-serious-online-sex-habit/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/183392592447

[samanthasroberts]

12 Former Porn Addicts Describe The Pitfalls Of A Serious Online Sex Habit

2. THE FATHER WHO KILLED HIMSELF BECAUSE OF AN ADDICTION TO PORN

Within a fairly short period of time, I found myself watching up to eight hours of pornography a day, every day.It wasnt unusual for me to be on a business trip and stay up until 3 or 4AM watching porn, knowing full well that I had an 8AM meeting the next morning where I was making a presentation to sell multi-million dollar software to corporate directors.I was thinking seriously about walking over to the Wal-Mart not too far from where I lived, buying a gun, sticking it in my mouth and pulling the trigger. It was when I started thinking about writing a suicide note to my boysthat, thank God, is when I woke up. I decided that it wasnt the legacy I was going to leave to my kids: the father who killed himself because of an addiction to porn.

3. THE FACT I WAS AROUSED BY SHIT AND ANIMAL PORN MEANT I HAD BRAIN DAMAGE

Since age 19, I’ve been completely unable to control my use of pornography on the Internet, my compulsive masturbation, my driving need to seduce women, and in recent years my nasty habit of spending hundreds of dollars a night in strip clubs, not so much making it rain as shamefully shoveling a wad of 20s at a stripper before scuttling away.My therapist said the fact I was aroused by shit and animal porn meant I had brain damage, simple as that. His conclusion took a couple of days to sink in. Essentially, the part of my mind responsible for rational decision-making has been overridden by a huge desire for more pleasure chemicals, and I do stupid, dangerous things to get those chemicals no matter the consequences. That’s addiction.

4. I AM A RECOVERING PORN ADDICT; I AM ALSO A 25-YEAR-OLD WOMAN

I am a recovering porn addict. I am also a 25-year-old woman.I watched and masturbated to movies in the “Girlvert” and “Meatholes” series, where the obvious goal was to humiliate and degrade the women involved. The disturbing thing was that I had been performing in porn for a few years myself by then, and I knew exactly the sort of cruelty, abuse and exploitation that went on behind the scenes. Yet I still watched and got off to these horribly violent and misogynist forms of pornography.

6. I WAS LYING TO PEOPLE ABOUT WHAT I WAS DOING

It was starting to take up large chunks of my time; I was lying to people about what I was doing in my spare time. I’d stay up viewing all night and go to work on an hour’s sleep; it was affecting my productivity, my health, my relationships and friendships. There were times I didn’t turn up to people’s parties or I wouldn’t go out, because I’d been viewing all day, or I’d think, I’ll just view one more thing before I leave. It’s a bit like when someone goes into a casino and they lose track of time and then they realize they’ve been in there for a day.

7. Shooting up on porn allowed me to savor female energies without all the emotions

Like millions of other well-functioning married men with issues, I turned to pornography. For several years I wanked myself stupid. Time and space was filled with horniness beyond my wildest dreams. Time that might otherwise have been used to be creative, productive, or even just plain bored got devoured by lust. In any moment where there was a desire for some escape from life I scored some porn.I hated porn. I couldnt sniff her, worship her or probe the beauty of her being. I couldnt feel her essence bathing my wounded masculinity to wholeness.But for me, porn somehow replaced the real thing. It was just, well, easier. Neurosis-free women.Shooting up on porn allowed me to savor female energies without all the emotions. Small men everywhere, who would rather not deal with the truth that women have for them, can go get a fill of female energy, have a beer, then get on with their day. Men, what is happening to us?

8. MY HEART WOULD THUMP WITH A MIX OF THRILL AND SHAME

I would sneak downstairs to the family computer once the house was dark. As I would settle into the polyester-cotton seat of the swivel chair and open a browser, my heart would thump with a mix of thrill and shame, my ears perked for any reason to abort my missionzip, pull and dart with an excuse ready about checking the weather for tomorrow.It was an addicts high, a high-stakes heist for sexual pleasurean association that would not soon recede in my primal brain.I found myself rapidly desensitized to online images. If a threesome was kinky last week, then Id need something wilder this week. To reach climax, I had to find that same toxic mix of shame and lust.It was a dissociative, alienating, almost inhuman task to close my eyes while having sex with someone I really cared about and imagine having sex with someone else or recall a deviant video from the archives of my youth that I was ashamed of even then.

9. THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME

One day I was watching pornography in my car, when I realized that I was late for my test. I closed my laptop and ran off. When I came back I found my car broken into, and my laptop gone. That evening my friend and I went to a strip club to help me feel better. My friend soon got tired and wanted to go home, but I couldnt get myself to walk away. Observing the consequences of my actions and my inability to walk away forced me to suspect that may be there was something was wrong with me after all.

10. IT HAS AFFECTED MY ERECTIONS

I was 15 when I started watching porn after my parents bought me a laptop. I did what pretty much any teenage boy does and look up porn websites. It became an everyday thing very quickly. I was watching porn for two hours a day.I found a website dedicated to porn addiction and I felt like I had an epiphany. I felt like I wasn’t alone any more. I did 100 days of porn abstinence and masturbation abstinence. It’s exactly like going cold turkey. The first two weeks were pretty awful with lots of mood swings. It was rough, it was really rough. There were sleepless nights. There were nights where I’d wake up in cold sweats. I’ve been able to get back to my routines and I’ve been OK but it has affected my erections. When I’m with a woman I’ve noticed it’s softer down there and I’m not as excited.I couldn’t get erections anymore with real women when I tried because I’d watched so much porn.

11. I HAD TERRIBLE WITHDRAWALS

I was 15 when I first masturbated to online porn. The high I got was immense, and it lasted about 30 minutes. At that point in my life I’d been feeling really low, and had been for about seven years. But, for the first time, I didn’t feel depressed at alleverything lifted. It made me want to do it again, and againso I did, until I was watching online porn every day.Eventually, I became desensitized to ‘vanilla’ guy-on-girl pornit simply didn’t turn me onso I sought out more extreme porn to shock my system into being aroused again. For the same reason, sex with real women was pretty much impossible. I didn’t link it to my porn addictionbecause I didn’t know I had one. I just thought there was something inherently wrong with me, which made me feel more low.I went cold turkey on porn. I had terrible withdrawals. My hands shook and I had awful mood swings, vivid nightmares and hot and cold sweats.

12. YOU NAME A GENRE, AND I WAS PROBABLY INTO IT AT ONE POINT

You name a genre, and I was probably into it at some point. Things that would have disgusted me one month I relied on the next to get me excited. The process Ive described above is well-known to addiction psychologists and therapists and is called desensitization.Excessive abuse over extended periods of time can lead to decreased libido, erectile dysfunction and impotence. In my case, the warning signs were there. I felt terrible after a session browsing the dark side of the neta mixture of shame, disgust, dissatisfaction, depression. I realized I could bring myself literally to the brink of orgasm solely with visual stimulationwithout using my hands at all. The encounters I had with women felt somehow disappointing. Sexually I felt a bit dead, occasionally I failed to maintain an erection. Desensitization is an apt word, because years of beating my meat to porn left my penis less sensitive to touch. I blamed it on condoms, on performance anxiety, on alcohol, on being out of shape, but finally, I realized the truth: porn.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/12-former-porn-addicts-describe-the-pitfalls-of-a-serious-online-sex-habit/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/03/12/12-former-porn-addicts-describe-the-pitfalls-of-a-serious-online-sex-habit/

[allofbeercom]

12 Former Porn Addicts Describe The Pitfalls Of A Serious Online Sex Habit

2. THE FATHER WHO KILLED HIMSELF BECAUSE OF AN ADDICTION TO PORN

Within a fairly short period of time, I found myself watching up to eight hours of pornography a day, every day.It wasnt unusual for me to be on a business trip and stay up until 3 or 4AM watching porn, knowing full well that I had an 8AM meeting the next morning where I was making a presentation to sell multi-million dollar software to corporate directors.I was thinking seriously about walking over to the Wal-Mart not too far from where I lived, buying a gun, sticking it in my mouth and pulling the trigger. It was when I started thinking about writing a suicide note to my boysthat, thank God, is when I woke up. I decided that it wasnt the legacy I was going to leave to my kids: the father who killed himself because of an addiction to porn.

3. THE FACT I WAS AROUSED BY SHIT AND ANIMAL PORN MEANT I HAD BRAIN DAMAGE

Since age 19, I’ve been completely unable to control my use of pornography on the Internet, my compulsive masturbation, my driving need to seduce women, and in recent years my nasty habit of spending hundreds of dollars a night in strip clubs, not so much making it rain as shamefully shoveling a wad of 20s at a stripper before scuttling away.My therapist said the fact I was aroused by shit and animal porn meant I had brain damage, simple as that. His conclusion took a couple of days to sink in. Essentially, the part of my mind responsible for rational decision-making has been overridden by a huge desire for more pleasure chemicals, and I do stupid, dangerous things to get those chemicals no matter the consequences. That’s addiction.

4. I AM A RECOVERING PORN ADDICT; I AM ALSO A 25-YEAR-OLD WOMAN

I am a recovering porn addict. I am also a 25-year-old woman.I watched and masturbated to movies in the “Girlvert” and “Meatholes” series, where the obvious goal was to humiliate and degrade the women involved. The disturbing thing was that I had been performing in porn for a few years myself by then, and I knew exactly the sort of cruelty, abuse and exploitation that went on behind the scenes. Yet I still watched and got off to these horribly violent and misogynist forms of pornography.

6. I WAS LYING TO PEOPLE ABOUT WHAT I WAS DOING

It was starting to take up large chunks of my time; I was lying to people about what I was doing in my spare time. I’d stay up viewing all night and go to work on an hour’s sleep; it was affecting my productivity, my health, my relationships and friendships. There were times I didn’t turn up to people’s parties or I wouldn’t go out, because I’d been viewing all day, or I’d think, I’ll just view one more thing before I leave. It’s a bit like when someone goes into a casino and they lose track of time and then they realize they’ve been in there for a day.

7. Shooting up on porn allowed me to savor female energies without all the emotions

Like millions of other well-functioning married men with issues, I turned to pornography. For several years I wanked myself stupid. Time and space was filled with horniness beyond my wildest dreams. Time that might otherwise have been used to be creative, productive, or even just plain bored got devoured by lust. In any moment where there was a desire for some escape from life I scored some porn.I hated porn. I couldnt sniff her, worship her or probe the beauty of her being. I couldnt feel her essence bathing my wounded masculinity to wholeness.But for me, porn somehow replaced the real thing. It was just, well, easier. Neurosis-free women.Shooting up on porn allowed me to savor female energies without all the emotions. Small men everywhere, who would rather not deal with the truth that women have for them, can go get a fill of female energy, have a beer, then get on with their day. Men, what is happening to us?

8. MY HEART WOULD THUMP WITH A MIX OF THRILL AND SHAME

I would sneak downstairs to the family computer once the house was dark. As I would settle into the polyester-cotton seat of the swivel chair and open a browser, my heart would thump with a mix of thrill and shame, my ears perked for any reason to abort my missionzip, pull and dart with an excuse ready about checking the weather for tomorrow.It was an addicts high, a high-stakes heist for sexual pleasurean association that would not soon recede in my primal brain.I found myself rapidly desensitized to online images. If a threesome was kinky last week, then Id need something wilder this week. To reach climax, I had to find that same toxic mix of shame and lust.It was a dissociative, alienating, almost inhuman task to close my eyes while having sex with someone I really cared about and imagine having sex with someone else or recall a deviant video from the archives of my youth that I was ashamed of even then.

9. THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME

One day I was watching pornography in my car, when I realized that I was late for my test. I closed my laptop and ran off. When I came back I found my car broken into, and my laptop gone. That evening my friend and I went to a strip club to help me feel better. My friend soon got tired and wanted to go home, but I couldnt get myself to walk away. Observing the consequences of my actions and my inability to walk away forced me to suspect that may be there was something was wrong with me after all.

10. IT HAS AFFECTED MY ERECTIONS

I was 15 when I started watching porn after my parents bought me a laptop. I did what pretty much any teenage boy does and look up porn websites. It became an everyday thing very quickly. I was watching porn for two hours a day.I found a website dedicated to porn addiction and I felt like I had an epiphany. I felt like I wasn’t alone any more. I did 100 days of porn abstinence and masturbation abstinence. It’s exactly like going cold turkey. The first two weeks were pretty awful with lots of mood swings. It was rough, it was really rough. There were sleepless nights. There were nights where I’d wake up in cold sweats. I’ve been able to get back to my routines and I’ve been OK but it has affected my erections. When I’m with a woman I’ve noticed it’s softer down there and I’m not as excited.I couldn’t get erections anymore with real women when I tried because I’d watched so much porn.

11. I HAD TERRIBLE WITHDRAWALS

I was 15 when I first masturbated to online porn. The high I got was immense, and it lasted about 30 minutes. At that point in my life I’d been feeling really low, and had been for about seven years. But, for the first time, I didn’t feel depressed at alleverything lifted. It made me want to do it again, and againso I did, until I was watching online porn every day.Eventually, I became desensitized to ‘vanilla’ guy-on-girl pornit simply didn’t turn me onso I sought out more extreme porn to shock my system into being aroused again. For the same reason, sex with real women was pretty much impossible. I didn’t link it to my porn addictionbecause I didn’t know I had one. I just thought there was something inherently wrong with me, which made me feel more low.I went cold turkey on porn. I had terrible withdrawals. My hands shook and I had awful mood swings, vivid nightmares and hot and cold sweats.

12. YOU NAME A GENRE, AND I WAS PROBABLY INTO IT AT ONE POINT

You name a genre, and I was probably into it at some point. Things that would have disgusted me one month I relied on the next to get me excited. The process Ive described above is well-known to addiction psychologists and therapists and is called desensitization.Excessive abuse over extended periods of time can lead to decreased libido, erectile dysfunction and impotence. In my case, the warning signs were there. I felt terrible after a session browsing the dark side of the neta mixture of shame, disgust, dissatisfaction, depression. I realized I could bring myself literally to the brink of orgasm solely with visual stimulationwithout using my hands at all. The encounters I had with women felt somehow disappointing. Sexually I felt a bit dead, occasionally I failed to maintain an erection. Desensitization is an apt word, because years of beating my meat to porn left my penis less sensitive to touch. I blamed it on condoms, on performance anxiety, on alcohol, on being out of shape, but finally, I realized the truth: porn.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/12-former-porn-addicts-describe-the-pitfalls-of-a-serious-online-sex-habit/