#im facing the final boss of my mental illness and i do fear my health bar is extremely low
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I'm not trying to be awful i just FEEL awful and my chest wont stop clamping around my heart and trying to KILL ME
#system babbles#i swear to god people around me always just fucking told me i was faking or overdramatic or whatever the fuck#but I'm trying so hard and that doesn't just MAKE me better. i dont just stop feeling sad and afraid and hurt#im hurting and im not accusing anyone of causing it because I am the one to bring a lot of the trouble around. but i just.i cant.i cant make#it stop. I can't. it's hurting right now and i cant breathe and i always just feel like crying and im sorry for that but god damn#as if every minute of every second isnt filled with “its gonna be okay. that's alright we'll work it out. it isnt like that” and#like other reassurances from headspace and elsewhere im just hurting. like maybe im broken then. fuck like.#god i hate getting like this because it just makes my self loathing burn so fucking hot and rampant.#what do i do to make it better. how could it possibly get better when im clearly not improving. i thought i was.#i really thought i was better but I'm hurtful and act careless and selfishly#I'm everything they fucking said i was and it doesn't feel like it's okay right now. i consistently feel like im in trouble#or like I'm about to say something to fuck everything up. I've never once thought low of the ones i love so much but i always get labeled#the villain#i always end up being some fucking abuser in their past. I don't want to be in the past. im so tired and im so tired of feeling sad#why is everything my fault. the blanket. the bills#the food. the car. the bed the medicine the anything else#i just contribute so little i feel like#and idk what to do with all the heavy in my chest because it just looks like a fucking toddler tantrum when it feels like#im facing the final boss of my mental illness and i do fear my health bar is extremely low#I'm trying. i really am I'm trying. I'm not just looking for reasons to be sad i swear to god im trying
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