#on an ssri without being on a mood stabilizer unless we want me to go into a mania

[shadow-bender]

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[castielafflicted]

ok I'm venting here about pmdd and insurance and shit. it starts kinda funny I guess but also tw for suicide/suicidal thoughts and whatnot at the end

it's so fucked up to go "hi I have incredibly bad PMDD, can we do something about this?" and science tells you "unless you remove your ovaries, your best bet is SSRIs and/or birth control until menopause"

and THEN I go "can I please get those meds?" and my body says "stop fucking taking SSRIs or I'll make you miserable" and I say "okay. I will take mood stabilizers instead because they help a tiny bit.

but my insurance says "we want you to take this cheap birth control that has a higher estrogen than the one you were prescribed" and I try it and my body says "hey what if you started having cramps and spotting and worsened mental health on this one instead" and I tell my insurance "no please pay for the expensive one that has no generic because it has the lowest estrogen without being progesterone only because it's the only one that works well"

and then my doctor goes "we dont like that we havent seen you in a year. we arent refilling this without you having an appointment" and so I schedule an appointment and they give me a month's worth because they don't want me to try to off myself before the appointment. and my insurance goes "noooo that's a different prescription and we HATE it and won't pay for it without prior authorization!!!!!"

and like. if I'm missing 5-7 days I literally might as well miss the whole fucking month! the point is for it to be continuous! the point is for me to completely avoid the PMDD symptoms. the only times I've ever been actively suicidal have been when I'm off birth control and SSRIs because it's that fucking bad. and I can't take any SSRIs anymore because I've reacted badly to all of them.

like yeah I'm in a better place mental health wise than I was as a teenager, but this is like. kinda fucking scary and very upsetting. the times I've missed more than a few days of birth control even while on ssris have still been super fucking rough and concerning.

distinct possibility that things are going to start to get very bad for me in a few days because of medication reasons </3

[bellavidasb-blog]

/Dealing with the Suicide of Someone you Love/

I have not shared this yet on Social media until now.  It was just far too painful.  However, I feel brave enough now to share this with you.  So here goes...

On February 4, 2019,  my dad took his own life.  He had struggled with untreated bipolar his whole life and Aspergers (ASD).  About a year ago, he went in for surgery for a Hip replacement and his health went downhill after the surgery due to several infections and pain that doctors could not get rid of.  

Sadly,  my dad did not want to admit he had bipolar.  He thought he only had depression and anxiety because he actually like his mania.  I think this might be true of some people who are bipolar.  They love their Highs, but their Lows scare them.   So, he never saw a Psychiatrist who could accurately diagnose him because he only went when he was Depressed and saw a General Practitioner MD.

Something that bugs me about this is that many Doctors will write a prescription for Antidepressants without truly diagnosing  their patients thoroughly.  They hear the symptoms and just write a prescription without truly understanding what is going on.

While my dad was depressed,  Antidepressants were not the answer for him.  He needed a Mood Stabilizer and he needed a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist to monitor his meds.  

Sadly, I learned after his death that my dad took an antidepressant for a few days,  said it hurt his stomach and abruptly stopped taking it.  A few days later,  he woke up, drove his car to a parking garage 5th floor and jumped without leaving a note of explanation to anyone.  This was so unlike my dad as he loved to write... if he was himself, he would have at least left all of us a note to explain why he did this.  He didn't even kiss my stepmom goodbye that morning when he left.

We are all devastated.  And tragically,  my family has had to deal with suicide many times before... My family has had many people who have committed suicide.  At least 3 of my dad's siblings, two uncles and his grandmother committed suicide.  This is an epidemic of huge proportions in my family.  

I am sharing this with you because I need to talk about this and not sweep it under the rug as suicide is often not talked about.  I might sound like I am making light, but believe me I am not.  I take this very, very seriously.  

In fact, I suffer from depression and anxiety and have taken an antidepressant for 11 years now.  It has helped me cope with stress, anxiety and depression and I know it is something I need.  I have myself been suicidal, but thankfully, was able to pull out of it and get help through counseling and, of course, my medication.  It makes me so sad and upset when people "medication shame" people for taking something that is helping them cope.  

We as a society need to realise some very important Truths about the Brain:

The Brain is an Organ- exactly like any other Major Organ in the Body.

The Brain is highly susceptible to deficiencies in the chemicals it needs to function properly- just like any other Organ in the body!

The Brain can be Low on chemicals just like your Liver or Pancreas.

No one would EVER shame a person with Diabetes for taking Insulin- why is it ok to Shame someone who has low serotonin for taking an SSRI Antidepressant?

The Brain does not replace its cells like other organs in the body and is much more fragile than other organs in the body.

The Brain is highly sensitive to stimuli from the environment, chemicals in the air, foods we eat and the stimuli you are giving it.  

If we can come to think differently about our Brains and how they Function,  we might start to destigmatize "Mental Health".  How about "Brain Health" instead?  No one gets all worked up about "Heart Health" and thinks "People will judge me if they know I am on Cholesterol medication."  Yet,  many people fear others knowing they are depressed, in therapy or taking medications.

I have heard many people tell me, "Well, I have been taking (XYZ) medication for a few months now, but I am trying to get off of it."  I always think,  "WHY!? Is it helping you? Why would you get off something that has helped you feel better?"  I think people feel like they have to qualify why they are on something and then say they don't REALLY need it- it is just temporary to help them through a tough time.  I believe this is because people don't want others to think they are "crazy" or judge them for being on something for depression.  

I suppose it is Ironic that around a year ago when Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain both took their lives so close to each other,  I started a Podcast called "The Erin Show" about Suicide to give support to others and share a little of my story.  I never thought I would be talking about my own Dad's suicide.  

I now realize just how important it is to talk about suicide and depression.  It truly can save someone's life.  I used to hide from others that I took an antidepressant, but I decided a while back to be very open with people about taking medication.  I can't help anyone if I am hiding the truth.  I encourage others to share they take medication and not be afraid others will judge them.  As people start to open up about taking these drugs,  it will defuse the stigma around taking them!  It is so ridiculous that people hide this and are ashamed of it.  Why be ashamed of doing what your body and brain needs?

Not taking an antidepressant (or other appropriately prescribed drug that helps the brain with the lack of chemicals needed to cope) has probably killed far more people in this world from Suicide than the actual pills have done harm to people.  One study showed that nearly 25 Million people have taken their own lives.  That is a staggering and sobering statistic.  

25 Million People!  That is more than any War fought.  The amount of heartache and sorrow generated from those people taking their own lives is overwhelming! And now I am once again feeling their sorrow so deeply.  

This should be at the top of our National Health agenda and yet it is not.  Mainly because it is thought that it is voluntary.  However, what is the root cause of these suicides is our Brain functioning and our coping mechanisms.  

If you have ever been Suicidal, you know that everything else in the world disappears and all you know is how deeply painful your life has become.  There seems no way out of that suffering.  You are not thinking about anyone other than yourself and your pain at that moment.  I know, because I have been there myself.  It is so frightening to feel like that.  I don't want you or anyone to think I am judging you.  I am not.  I don't judge my dad for what he did.  I am heart broken. I am devastated he felt so lonely and afraid in his last moments on this Earth.  It makes me happy he is out of his pain, however.  

Yet,  for anyone who has had this happen to a loved one,  it is a very heavy burden to bear.  It is pain that never really goes away.  There are days that I feel fine, and others that the pain is so heavy I can barely breathe.  

When my brother called me to tell me, he said, "Erin, I just got off the phone with (my stepmom) and Dad killed himself."  Followed by silence.  

I was so stunned that I felt like I sat there with my mind whirlling forever, but it was probably just a split second.  My brother is a joker and was the class clown, so my first thought was, 'He must be kidding. No way would dad do that.' Then, of course, my brain acknowledged, 'No way in hell would he be kidding about dad killing himself.'

My first words were, "What? No.  No way."  At least I think they were because I was in Shock and I can't really remember what I said...  All I remember was it felt like the world ground to a halt and I was in slow motion trying to grasp what had just been said to me.  

"Yes, Erin. This morning," he said compassionately.

"What? How? Why, why would he do that?" I started to cry, completely dumbfounded and reeling from shock, disbelief and horror.

My brother gently told me what had happened and what he had been told.  He tried to comfort me because he knew how close I had been with my dad.  We both told each other how much we loved each other and said we would be heading there to be with my stepmom.  

After I hung up,  I crumpled up on the floor and sobbed uncontrollably.  My heart literally felt like it was tearing in two pieces.  My cat was the only other being there and she came over and gently nuzzled against me trying to comfort me.  I held her and cried sobbing until I could get up.  My mind was racing and I felt like I had just been spun around like a top.  I didn't know what to do.  

I called my husband who was at the doctor and told him sobbing and trying to make sense.  He immediately said, "I'm leaving and I will be right there.  I am so sorry, sweetie.  I love you. I'll be home soon."  

No words can really express that level of grief and sorrow.  As I said, I have had other people I love who took their own lives.  However, nothing can prepare you for losing someone to suicide, especially a parent, who helped give you life, raise you and protect you when you were little.  It is difficult enough having a parent die.  Knowing they did this to themselves is a whole different level of sorrow and loss.

Unless you have experienced this yourself,  it is difficult to truly understand, and I don't wish this on anyone.  I hope you never have to experience this.   I don't know if I will ever not feel this pain when I think of my dad.  My brother is better at focusing on the good times and fun we had with him.  And I know I will get there someday.  

Perhaps it is because I am so empathetic that I suffer from depression.  When you feel emotions very deeply,  it can be a blessing and a curse.  I certainly do where my heart on my sleeve, and so did my dad.  This can make you much more creative and artistic, but it can also be a weapon you use against yourself that can drag you down into despair if you don't keep it in check.  

I want you to know, that even though I am still suffering, I see the beauty of life.  I see the beauty in YOU.  I wrote this article today to help those who feel lost and lonely.  To help those who are sad and feel like they may never feel happy again.  If this is you,  please know that there are so many people out there who love you. Some who you have never even met.  

If my Dad had told even one person that he was Suicidal,  this might not have happened.  If you are depressed and suicidal, Please tell someone who can help you.  I have had people email me who I did not know personally admit they were suicidal and there is nothing I can do other than tell them to please get help and give them the Suicide hotline.  The only way to truly get help is to be honest with someone who will be there to support you and get you help.  

If you don't have someone you can talk to,  you need to be brave enough to find a Psychiatrist and get help for yourself.    I pray that you get better and find happiness again! You deserve to be happy!  We all do!

You can email me if you need support and I will try to help, but I will always tell you to find support close to you as well.  That is the key to breaking out of whatever you are feeling.  Research has proven that all of us crave human connection as one of our basic human needs.  

Most of all, I want you to know that I am rooting for you.  If you can find the strength to keep going,  there is so much beauty waiting for you in this life if you seek it out.  Yes, life can be extremely difficult.  But Life can also be extremely beautiful.  You will see that beauty return if you hold on.  And I pray that you do.  

Thank you for reading my story. I love you all.

God bless you and Keep you,

Erin XOXO

My Email: bellavidasb@gmail.com

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 (800) 273-8255

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Note: You can also online chat with someone at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24 hours a Day every day of the year.  It's free, private and confidential.  

By going to their website, you can find a Local Crisis Center and you can get help,  or you can get information on how to Volunteer, Donate and help support the incredible work they are doing to save lives.  

Please share this post to help others who are suffering from losing someone to Suicide or who are suicidal themselves.  Thank you.  XO

Here are some more resources:

Bipolar Symptoms:  https://www.psycom.net/bipolar-disorder-symptoms/