#Incorrect Batfam quotes

[jewelsli]

The Batkids all think that Bruce follows his no-kill-code extremely closely while Jason and like… most of them have broken it. Oh how wrong they are.

Especially before Dick was adopted the Bat regularly killed, he hades being judge jury and executioner but he sees the need to on many occasions. When Dick came along all bright and happy (and very very angry) he made up some baloney about not killing anyone so the kid wouldn’t off half of the Gotham rogues should he get the chance.

While none of the Batkids really know about this most of Gotham does, they just think that the civilians are mixing unsolved murderers(that are all a result of Bruce) and the Bats scariness and general antisocial tendencies up.

But Gotham is right, the Bat will kill those that he seems unredeemable, and while he doesn’t try to do it often, the numbers have gotten terrifying for the criminal world over time. When no colorful sidekicks are around the Bat hits harder and faster, and no matter what ANYONE says yes he CAN and WILL use a gun on you. People who traffick metas, children, and people in general find their leaders gone with not even a speck of blood on the scene(he doesn’t usually kill the workers unless they continue).

As for why he doesn’t kill the rogues? He’s TRIED many times to kill the worst of them, but somehow the joker just keeps coming back??? Besides he knows some of them aren’t all bad(Harley, ivy, and dent). The biggest factor though is that then his kids would know, and he wants to try and keep what little respect for him so they don’t go on a murder spree (again, yea Jason we are talking about you).

Bonus:

Bruce, on truth serum and not happy about it:

Jason, who want to mess with him: So B, tell me why I should be following your no-kill rule (they had already asked many more questions and he had never been given a straight answer to this before)

Bruce: I honestly don’t care if you do

Dick: Wait wha-

Bruce, continuing: You’ve proven that when you aren’t on a rampage you only kill when absolutely necessary, and I don’t see a problem with that.

Jason:… I guess that makes sense-

Bruce: Besides I’ve killed for less

Batfam:

Batfam:

Tim: Bruce what the fu-

[spacespacespace]

Dick: so if it’s you or the laptop-

Tim: me. 100%.

Dick: …your not even gonna pretend to think?

Tim: about what? I can always just rise from the dead but my laptop-

Dick: what?

Tim: what?

Dick: what made u think you can rise from the dead?

Tim: well Jason did it so it’s obviously not difficult

——

Jason, in his safe house reading a book: I feel a chill or disrespectful in the air.

——

Dick: alr can you at least lie abt it

Tim: ughhhh

Dick: for me *flutters eyelashes*

Tim: Fine. *says in monotone voice* If it were either me or my laptop to be destroyed I would choose … the laptop.

Dick: thank you Timmy

Damian, walking past: Richard even you know that’s an outright lie.

[spite-and-waffles]

(alt included)

Link to Video. (Please help Panda make money.)

Video description and transcript under the cut.

Description: TikTok video by The Panda Redd. Re-enactment of final scene of Under the Hood. All roles played by Panda (a tall, well-built young white man with a mohawk, wearing a grey hoodie). Setting is a dark basement lit only by a hanging light bulb.

Transcript.

Jason: (holding gun on Bruce) "Bruce, I forgive you for not saving me."

Batman: (glares silently)

Jason: "But why? Why on God's Earth—" (hits Joker across the face)

Joker (tied to a chair): *cackles*

Jason: "—is HE still alive??"

Joker: "AHAHAHAHAHHAHA!"

Batman:

Batman: "I'm sorry, d'you want me to be serious here or—?"

Jason: (in disbelief) "YES, Bruce! I want you to be serious right now! If he had done what he did to me to you, I would've done nothing but search the earth for this pile of death-worshipping garbage!"

Joker: "I love you too, Sugar Plum."

Batman: (holds hands up) "Okay, yeah, I get that, totally, I get that. Um. Have you tried?"

Jason: "Excuse you?"

Batman: "Have you tried to kill him yet?"

Jason: (to Joker) "Is he being serious?"

Joker: (also confused) "I'm gonna be honest with you, Junior. I don't know."

Jason: "Got it. Great." (turns back to Batman) "What the fuck does THAT mean?"

Batman: "Okay, so no, you haven't. Cool. Do it."

Jason:

Jason: (lowers gun) "What."

Batman: "Do it, cap his ass. Shoot him."

Joker: (finally rattled) "I'm gonna go with Junior here, and say...what??"

Jason: "You want me to shoot him?"

Batman: "I want someone to shoot him! Give me the gun, I'll do it!"

Jason: (mutters, brain blue screening) "What is going on right now? This should a lot harder than it is."

Batman: "C'mon, son! You decapitated like eleven people three days ago! Fuckin' do it!"

Joker: (turns to Jason quizzically) "This has gotta be some sort of test, ri—"

(BANG! Jason fires. Joker lands on the floor lifeless, eyes still open.)

Jason: "There, you happy? Jesus. Was that so hard? All of this time and it was THAT easy!"

Jason: "What the fuck is that supposed to—" (looks down at floor where the Joker was lying)

Batman: "I don't know what you're talking about 'easy'. There's nothing there." (nods at floor)

Floor: (is devoid of Joker)

Jason: (stares)

Floor: (continues to be sans anything but carpet)

Jason: "What the fuck?"

Batman: "Yeah."

Jason: "WHAT THE FUCK?"

Batman: "Take as long as you need with this."

Jason: (looking around frantically) "I just shot him! He hit the floor! What the f—" (turns back to the floor)

Floor: (is just vibin')

Jason: "Where the fuck did he go??"

Batman: "See that shit? That shit right there happens every fucking time!"

Jason: "There's not even a blood stain! It's just gone!"

Batman: "Yeah, like two days after you died, I chased him into a helicopter where he got shot like six times. The helicopter exploded and crashed into the ocean. And his body was gone before Superman could find it."

Jason: "Oh my God. I don't understand how this is even fucking possible!"

Batman: "He's like a cryptid! I don't fucking get it!"

Joker: (disembodied laughter) "AHAHAHAHA HAHAHA!"

Jason: (freaked out, turning in circles trying to find him) "Oh my God!"

Batman: "THAT OMINOUS SHIT HAPPENS TOO! I DON'T KNOW, DUDE!"

Jason: "Dude. Fuck whatever's going on here, that's some fucking bullshit."

Batman: "Thank you! Finally someone gets it!"

[gothamundernightlight]

Incorrect Batfam Quotes

Clark (as a reporter): Mr. Wayne, have you ever thought of having more children?

Bruce: You mean, adopting?

Clark: Adopting. Abducting. However you got the last four.

Bruce: …

[arguablysomaya]

i personally believe that dick knows all of the lgbtq+ community memes better than anyone in his family despite the fact that he categorically refuses to come out so it's like

dick: omg ur asexual? do you like cake lololol

jason: ...how the fuck do you know about that

dick: more of a garlic bread guy then?

jason: if you're trying to kill me from cringe, believe me, I'll get you first

-

dick: it's getting cold out, gang, so dress warm. tim, no more bisexual cuffed jeans

tim: you can't call me out for that when you dress the EXACT SAME WAY, idiot

-

dick: the economy's getting bad. steph's gonna have to start dating men again soon

steph: LMFAO that's pretty funnyyyyyexceptit'sactuallytrueandalsohowdoyouknowaboutthat

[incorrect-waynemanor]

dick: so, i got banned from jason’s safehouse because i’m apparently a “liability” and “reckless” and “dick”

dick: that last one’s just my name, but you should hear it the way jason says it

[collectivefandomstuff]

[on patrol]

Red Robin: [sitting on a rooftop, drinking hot cocoa]

Red Hood: [lands next to him and sits down, pulling out a sandwich]

Red Robin: [holds out a thermos] want some cocoa?

Red Hood: [takes the thermos] yeah, thanks. [offers his sandwich] Want a bite? I baked the bread

Red Robin: hell yes

Red Hood: quiet night tonight

Red Robin: [humms in agreement]

Red Robin and Red Hood: [watches the skyline in silence]

[Nightwing, covered in a slimy substance, flies past them through the air as though he’s been catapulted from a great distance]

Red Hood:

Red Robin:

Red Hood: do you think he saw us?

Red Robin: I don’t think so

Red Hood:

Red Robin:

Red Hood: we can’t all be fighting Ivy, there wouldn’t be anyone left to fight the other criminals

Red Robin: that’s a sound argument. Say while we were helping him someone robbed the mayor, then where would we be?

Red Hood: he definitely came from over by the library, that’s way outside both our routes

Red Robin: so we agree that we wouldn’t be doing our job if we left our post to help with whatever that goop was

Red Hood: definitely

Red Robin: the mayor will thank us

Red Hood:

Red Robin: [sips his cocoa]

Red Hood: cards on the table- I already robbed the mayor earlier tonight

[thewrittenpodcast]

Jason: truth or dare

Tim: truth

Jason: how many hours have you slept this week?

Tim: dare

Jason: go to bed

Tim: i don't like this game

[galaxymagitech]

Dick: Would you still love me if I was a worm?

Damian: I would obliterate you. It would be a mercy kill—you would not be happy as a worm, Richard, and I would not allow you to dishonor your own memory.

[vixfern]

Dick: Ugh I really don’t want to go into work

Tim: What the fuck do you mean?? Work?? It’s daytime?? You’re gonna go out in the day to do vigilante stuff??

Dick:??? No?? My fucking job? Being a police officer??

Tim: THE FUCK??? SINCE WHEN HAS THIS BEEN A THING??

Dick: A WHILE???

[lithiumseven]

[jewelsli]

Tim, on his eighth day without sleep: Does the sky usually turn rainbow when you look at it for a long time

Duke who is on his third day with no sleep: I mean it is pride month

Dick, seven days in: No it’s halloweeen?

Jason, in his fifth day in: Your both wrong the sky is just gay

Babs and Steph, only two days without sleep so far: *giggling and filming*

Bruce, who is on his second (it’s actually his fourteenth) day without sleep: *sigh* Go to bed, all of you

[novadoesartforfun]

Batkids get grounded and Dick and Jason are also included

Tim : Don't you two have like...apartments of your own? Dick & Jason : ...... Damian : You two just wanted to stay here don't ya... Jason : I am just here for Alfred's cooking.

[bruciemilf]

Bruce is painfully Mom coded in a very specific aspect

Bruce: It's a dangerous mission, you're not going. End of discussion.

The bat kids: Or what.

Bruce:

Bruce: ... What?

The Bat Kids: ...Um.

Damian, literally inventing 10 prayers on the spot for them bc he's the youngest and doesn't get in trouble:

[gothamundernightlight]

Incorrect Batfam Quotes

Bruce: Tim, do you want to explain what happened today?

Tim: I picked Damian up from school.

Bruce: And you gave a statement to the press?

Tim: No, a reporter just questioned me as I was leaving.

Bruce: And you said, quote “He’s my brother, I’m not stealing him.”

Bruce: And you followed it up with “If I was going to take one, it wouldn’t be this a**hole.”

Tim: I believe I did say that, yes.

Bruce: …I’m never asking you to do school pickup again.

[arguablysomaya]

failed step one