#batfam incorrect quotes

[incorrect-batfam-quotes-mostly]

Batfam but as my stupidest injuries PT IDK but it's definitely too many parts

Dick: had a seizure and woke up long enough to look his professor who was on the phone to 911 right in the eyes, said "NO HOSPITAL" then passed put again

Jason: broke his toe and ignored it, only to ram it into a door a week later and make it worse

Tim: faints so often that he got really bored of it and made a bet that whoever caught him the most wins 100 dollars

Damian: sprained his wrist tripping up a stairs case then a few months later did it again on the exact same staircase

Bonus Tim: took a gravol for the first time to sleep on a roadtrip, had a bad reaction that made him high out of his mind and he proceeded to sob for 45 minutes about Brokeback Mountain before falling into the deepest sleep he's ever been in

[arrowmaker15]

(Red Hood and Spoiler extracting Red Robin after HE was dosed with truth serum)

Red Hood: Come on, Replacement.

Spoiler: He's surprisingly heavy. I thought he would be lighter.

Red Robin, wistfully: I miss Kon. It's been awhile.

Red Hood: I bet it has, buddy.

Red Robin: I love his jacket. Oh my god! His jacket is so hot. Makes me melt.

Spoiler: Is this how he felt when he had us?

Red Hood: Maybe?

Red Robin: And his tongue-

*Spoiler and Red Hood both cover his mouth)

Spoiler: We need to apologize for thinking he was exaggerating what you got from someone on truth serum.

Red Hood: Yeah, we do.

[anyknotrants]

-breakfast in the Wayne kitchen-

Jason: *making scrambled eggs*

Dick: *eating his cereal*

Tim: *drinking his 5th cup of coffee*

Damian: *comes in in a too big tee, his hair a mess, and still half asleep*

Dick: morning sleepy head

Tim: *grunts in greeting*

Damian: 'morning...

Dick: *chuckles* well someone was up last night

Damian: *grunts* 'was doing homework *goes for the coffee pot*

Dick: *hums*

Jon: *comes in, somehow looking even more tired that Damian*

Jon: morning...

Jason, not even turning aroud: good morning, homework

Dick: *chokes on his food*

Damian: *blushes hard*

Jon: ??

[yzur02]

(Bruce goes for a Bat-burger after work on WE)

*in the drive trough*

Bruce: "good afternoon"

Clerk: "welcome to Super mart, how may I help you today?"

Bruce (completely unaware and slightly worried): "sir, this is a Bat-burger"

Bruce is very surprised when the clerk starts laughing and tells him that was the funniest thing in a few months now. He is not as surprised when he is asked for a selfie, his sudden popularity among the young gothamites, however, leaves him baffled.

[wothmzn]

Damian: That's our brother!

Tim: he's a zombie now!

Respawn: he sure is

Tim: We're going to be dad's new favorite!

Damian *bruce is dead rn*: dad's dead.

Tim: oh yeah.

[sillybigbird]

Tim Jackson Drake would be the tallest of all the members of the Batclan (Headcanon?)

This comes a bit from my personal experience. But, in my family we're all tall, from both sides, I am actually 1.70 cm and have been since I'm 16. I have a cousin of my age who when we were 16, he was smaller than me, but now that we're both twenty, he's fucking 1.84 cm

So: Tim was the shortest before Damian got introduced. Almost the same height as Dick's but still a few inches smaller. Until he turned 19, now he's taller than Jason, just behind Bruce for a little difference.

But he's canonically stuck at 17 so we'll never know

[sprinkleofquirk]

Tim, on his 13th attempt to sneak out of the mansion to go on patrol with the flu and walking pneumonia: I didn’t “lose” my spleen. To lose something is to imply you don’t know where it is, and I know exactly where my spleen is; it just isn’t in my body-

Alfred, tired™ and armed with a tranquilizer: Even so, Master Drake, I must insist you get back into bed.

[confused-wanderer]

Dick: Hey Bart! How’s it hanging?

Kid Flash: We accidentally travelled back in time like ten years or so

Dick: what else is new

Kid flash: .. Tim ran into his younger self

Dick:

Tim *walking past them and muttering under his breath*

Tim *mimicking*: Look at me! I’m so young and dumb! Such an annoying kid my god no wonder our parents were always trying to get away

Dick:

Tim *mimicking*: I’m so happy I’m smiling!

Kid flash: He-

Tim: Just suffer like the rest of us you coward

Tim *mimicking*: That’s not fair!

Tim: oh! Look at that! LIFE’S not fair dumbass

Dick:

Tim: Waah I’ve been hurt! I want love! Please don’t leave me!

Tim: Fool. Shut up and carry on with that pain in silence like the rest of us. Pathetic I was never like that . People are overrated and crying is underrated.

Tim *mimicking*: Oh! Batman’s awesome! And so is Robin!

Tim: Batman’s a goddamn idiot. Robin.. well okay true for the first one. But the second? The second one is a BITC-

[bats-and-the-birds]

-at a justice league meeting in the midst of a very very stressful few weeks for Batman where everything has gone wrong, alfred is on vacation, and Bruce has not slept in days-

Batman: -outstandingly still coherent, lays out an extremely detailed plan on how to take down the Villain Of The Week- Any questions?

Nightwing: -slowly raising his hand from across the table-

Batman: Yes?

Nightwing: So... in all of this planning did you block out time to go pick up Robin from school like you said you would, or do you want me to do that?

Batman: ...

Nightwing: I'd say we could just let walk home alone, but the last time you did that, we found him trying to dismantle a section of the Russian mafia about two hours after he was supposed to get home.

Batman: ...

Nightwing: And he gets out of school in -checks wrist like he's wearing a watch- ten minutes, so you might want to make a decision soon.

Batman: ...Fuck.

[p1nkshield]

Damian: Todd prepare. I’m going to kill you!

Jason: you can try but it probably won’t stick!

Bruce: what is this about?

Jason: I sent baby pictures of knife child to the robins group chat.

Damian: WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE THOSE TODD?!?

Jason: If I wanted something I would bribe Talia with them.

Damian: what? LIES! NEITHER OF MY PARENTS WOULD STOOP TO SUCH A LEVEL RIGHT FATHER?

Bruce: …

Damian: father?

Bruce:… how much?

Damian: FATHER?!?

Bruce: name your price!

Damian: NO!

[rokonrrc2]

Learn More

Bruce: Today I realised I'm old

Clark: What happened?

Bruce: I fell in the kitchen and instead of laughing, all my kids came running to see if I was ok

Clark:

Bruce: I saw fear in their eyes

[secretidentie]

Tim for literally no reason: Hey Jason do yk where I can get some cocaine

Jason: Why tf do you need cocaine

Tim: I'm a teenage CEO why tf do you think I need cocaine

Jason: Fair enough. But I'm still not selling you cocaine

Tim: Why not? I just want to hang out with the other young finance bros

Jason: Hey dick head, tell your brother I'm not giving him cocaine

Dick: Tim are you okay? do you want to talk about this??

Tim: Uhg I'm fine. You're the one ones who said I should stop drinking coffee

Jason: and you thought this was a good alternative???

Tim: Come on I'll only do a little

Dick: Is this coz we spoiled the ending of wolf of Wallstreet

Tim: Why can't I just have some? You do!

Jason: No I don't

Tim: You're a crime lord

Dick: Yeah isn't it like part of the job

Jason: WHAT NO Stereotype much. I've never even seen cocaine up close

Tim: YOU'RE A CRIME LORD

Jason: Yeah not a drug dealer THERE'S A DIFFERENCE

Tim: I should have known your not cool enough to have drug dealer connections

Jason: OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA BUY A FUCK TON OF COCAINE AND DO IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU JUST TO RUB IT IN

Dick: Woah woah that's enough both of you. No one in this house is doing drugs. If anyone talks about cocaine again I'll tell Bruce you said you want to start a new crack epidemic. He'll make you sit in at strangers AA meetings and read through old case files of ex dealers and their autopsies. Don't. TEST. me.

Tim: ............

Jason: ............

Tim: Can you sell me meth?

[anyknotrants]

-after Damian turned 16, at the family dinner-

Bruce: so... Damian, do you remember the Oreov girl you met at the gala last week?

Damian: *looks up* yes

Bruce: what do you think of her...?

Dick: *tries not to laugh*

Tim: *fails not to laugh*

Steph: *doesn't even try not to laugh*

Damian: she was... acceptable, if a bit annoying, why do you ask?

Tim: He's trying to set you up!

Batkids -Damian: *laughs*

Damian: *stares blankly*

Bruce: of course, you don't hav-

Damian: father, are you unaware that I'm in a committed relationship?

Duke, Tim and Dick: *choke on their food*

Steph: *chokes on her drink*

Cass: *smiles*

Batkids: WHAT?!

Bruce: ... I-....

Jason: *laughs so hard he almost falls from his chair* oh Jesus Christ! The world's best detectives at their finest!

Dick: you knew? And you didn't tell me?!

Jason: where the fuck do you think he went almost every fucking friday?

Bruce: *turns to Damian* I- I though you were having sleepover with Jon

Damian: I was.

Dick: but you just-

Batfam: *stops all their movememnt as they realize*

Jason: *actually falls from his chair laughing*

Bruce: JONATHAN SAMUEL KENT!

-over at the Kent farm, also having family dinner-

Jon, who heard Bruce shout his name: I feel like I'm going to get murdered by a bat in my sleep

Clark, who was also listening in: right after you explain why I had to find out you're dating Damian throught their family dinner

Jon: hehe... fuck

[iwannabealice]

jason: i think we should get a divorce

steph: what are you doing?

jason: just practicing

steph: why are you already planning your hypothetical divorce?

jason: i don't know. i'm getting old, i think i'm having a mid-life crisis

steph: you don't even have a girlfriend

jason: hypothetically divorce me

steph: okay, then i'm hypothetically taking half your assets

jason: well, you didn't sign the hypothetical prenup

jason, to duke: it's called a prenup, right?

duke: yeah, it's a prenup, and you DID hypothetically sign one

steph: who the fuck is this guy?

duke: i'm his hypothetical lawyer in this divorce case

steph: well, then, i'm taking the hypothetical kids

steph, to tim: right? we can get those, right?

tim: yes, we can definitely get the hypothetical kids, don't worry about it

jason: who the fuck is this hypothetical fucking idiot? a hella fucking nerd idiot

tim: wow, that is a lot of hypothetical insults. i need to keep these on for continuity because i look like the other lawyer

steph: this is MY hypothetical lawyer, and we have been hypothetically sleeping with each other

jason: how could you hypothetically do this to me?!

steph: because you hypothetically are an alcoholic!

[arkangelo-7]

Dick, after stealing the Batmobile: Get in loser, we’re going to stop crime in Gotham.

Tim: this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me

[greenapplebling]

Tim: Who suffers more, God or us?

Jason: God will suffer when I get there

Dick: And that's why he won't let you die for real

Jason: Cursed with immortality? Outrageous...

Tim: Or cursed to spend your other life in the limbo

Jason: I'm banned from Hell too??