#batfam incorrect quotes

[aeturnum-mendacacium]

Robin! Jason: Robin gives me magic! :D

Constantine: *suspicious side eye glaring* Hm....

Bruce: oh come on, just because I have a high chance of being consumed by evil if I do magic -which is why I'm not allowed to do magic- doesn't mean he will! That's just a kid's saying! Constantine: uh huh -------------------------------

Red hood! Jason: *all-blades in hand* Sup motherfuckers guess who's back Constantine: I FUCKING KNEW IT

[callmeizukunotdeku]

the absolute tomfoolery those two would commit if given access to media and a reason to annoy bruce is something i need to see more of

jason: bruce keeps fucking going into the bowery when i said he couldn't

tim: do you want me to log into his twitter and post about how he's hosting a gala in a week?

jason: i don't think increasing awareness for his next gala counts as revenge

tim: if i was advertising for his next gala, i'd say 'two months'; i want to see what he cooks up in a week

jason, with tears in his eyes: this is the kindest thing anyone's ever done for me

the lego batman movie reads like it was written by jason and tim mocking bruce and dick, like you can’t tell me the batjokes isnt there to piss bruce off, courtesy of tim, or the whole scaly panties thing isn’t jason making fun of the robin uniform

[shyjusticewarrior]

Damian: This one's a heart, that's how I feel about you.

Duke: *crying*

Damian: This one's like Michigan, that's how I feel about you.

Tim: What does that mean??

[littlecub9666]

Y/N: *standing in the doorway of bedroom* Hey, wanna take a shower with me?

Jason: *sitting on the bed, looking up from the book* I have a gun inside the nightstand beside the bed. If I ever say no to that question, I want you to take it out and shoot me because I’ve obviously gone crazy.

[anonyunknownonearth]

Dick happens to be a grown man during this

(the tiredness B has rn only comes after collecting 6 chaos vigilante children who B still wants to cuddle.

he has given up tho. On what you may ask? On Everything. this post is just one proof)

Bruce: Just heard Dick two aisles over go “Hey, I think this is that special glass that doesn’t shatter when you drop it” followed by the sound of shattering glass. I’ve decided that when the employees come looking for his guardian I’m gonna pretend I don’t know him

[ffaelix]

Tim is typing furiously at his laptop when Damian walks in, holding a katana.

Damian: Drake, do you know what time it is?

Tim: not looking up Uh, noon?

Damian: Wrong. It’s time for you to perish.

Tim: still typing Can it wait until I finish this report for Bruce?

Damian: pauses …Very well. But know that your doom is imminent.

Five minutes later, Damian returns with snacks and silently places them next to Tim.

Tim: smirks Thanks for the snacks, future executioner.

Damian: huffs I refuse to let you die of starvation before I defeat you.

[demonicsuffrage]

Tim, abruptly standing up in shock: Wait, I just realised that Damian will graduate highschool in 2032

Damian, rasing a brow: Yes, ofcourse? As I am currently in fourth grad-

Jason, spitting out water: What the fuck? 2032?

Steph, pointing accusingly: That's not a real graduation year you made that up!

Dick: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little

Duke, with his head in his hands: Does anyone else feel both their feet in the grave? I graduated this year!

Dick: Feet? More like my entire body, I finished high school years ago!

Cass: Guys I think Bruce is crying

[tofumilkbread]

Damian is like 3 apples tall, leave my bbg alone

Damian: Tim told me that brown is just navy orange, and for the last ten minutes I’ve been debating on verbally agreeing with him. …

Jason, over coms: I lost Damian. Dick: How did you LOSE Damian?! Jason: To be fair, he is very small. Dick: HE’S A CHILD

[dickgraysonmybeloved]

Duke in the back of the Batmobile covered in paint: Do you think different paints have different tastes?

Dick, in passenger seat as oldest rules staring absentmindedly out the window: They do.

Bruce, side eye in the cowl hits different: ...Why did you say that with such certainty?

Edit: now with a fanfic

[bbbbbbbbatman]

*in a group chat* Tim: lol im dying send help Dick: oof same Steph: me af Duke: rip, what's up man? Damian: Good. Tim: no like im legit dying Tim: some guy stabbed me in a mcdonald's parking lot Tim: the lol is habit Tim: *sends a blurry picture of himself dabbing in the ambulance*

6 people are typing...

[incorrect-batfam-quotes-mostly]

Bruce: Today I realised I'm old

Clark: What happened?

Bruce: I fell in the kitchen and instead of laughing, all my kids came running to see if I was ok

Clark:

Bruce: I saw fear in their eyes

[callmeizukunotdeku]

but what about just really normal things as clarifiers?

"the one who went out for tacos last week"

"the one with a job"

"the one who eats toast breakfast"

or, to cause problems

"the favorite"

sometimes people will vaguely recognize me in public and ask which wayne i am and i like to be as unhelpful as possible

“i’m the bi one” “the adopted one” “the lactose intolerant one” “the one whose parents died” “not cassandra” it’s great

[anyknotrants]

-after Damian turned 16, at the family dinner-

Bruce: so... Damian, do you remember the Oreov girl you met at the gala last week?

Damian: *looks up* yes

Bruce: what do you think of her...?

Dick: *tries not to laugh*

Tim: *fails not to laugh*

Steph: *doesn't even try not to laugh*

Damian: she was... acceptable, if a bit annoying, why do you ask?

Tim: He's trying to set you up!

Batkids -Damian: *laughs*

Damian: *stares blankly*

Bruce: of course, you don't hav-

Damian: father, are you unaware that I'm in a committed relationship?

Duke, Tim and Dick: *choke on their food*

Steph: *chokes on her drink*

Cass: *smiles*

Batkids: WHAT?!

Bruce: ... I-....

Jason: *laughs so hard he almost falls from his chair* oh Jesus Christ! The world's best detectives at their finest!

Dick: you knew? And you didn't tell me?!

Jason: where the fuck do you think he went almost every fucking friday?

Bruce: *turns to Damian* I- I though you were having sleepover with Jon

Damian: I was.

Dick: but you just-

Batfam: *stops all their movememnt as they realize*

Jason: *actually falls from his chair laughing*

Bruce: JONATHAN SAMUEL KENT!

-over at the Kent farm, also having family dinner-

Jon, who heard Bruce shout his name: I feel like I'm going to get murdered by a bat in my sleep

Clark, who was also listening in: right after you explain why I had to find out you're dating Damian throught their family dinner

Jon: hehe... fuck

[shyjusticewarrior]

The Signal Incorrect Quotes Pt 19

Duke: Why don't you act like your hairline and take a couple steps back.

Duke: I hate when people say "well if your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it too?" Like obviously not, no.

Duke: Cause I'd do it first. I'm a leader, not a follower.

[sprinkleofquirk]

Tim, on his 13th attempt to sneak out of the mansion to go on patrol with the flu and walking pneumonia: I didn’t “lose” my spleen. To lose something is to imply you don’t know where it is, and I know exactly where my spleen is; it just isn’t in my body-

Alfred, tired™ and armed with a tranquilizer: Even so, Master Drake, I must insist you get back into bed.