#batfam incorrect quotes

[incorrect-batfam-quotes-mostly]

Judge: Does the defendant have any special requests?

Tim: Death penalty.

Judge: it’s just a parking ticket.

Tim, whispering into the mic: Please kill me.

[slut4-haydenchristensen]

bruce: no need for the somersault

dick: disagree.

[insonniacaotica]

Personal headcanon I randomly threw into my fanfiction: Dick taught every single Robin (Stephanie included) how to fall from great heights. Even though Bruce had already done it. Even though they were already trained. Either way, he still spent at least an afternoon training them.

[nicokitty123]

this is insanely accurate 🤣🤣🤣

The different robins reacting to Batman saying ‘it’s his city’:

Batman: This is my city.

Dick, who’s new to Gotham and just became Robin: oh alr then

(He fully believed Batman was telling the literal truth and thought he just owned the city for an embarrassingly long time)

-

Batman: You can’t do that, it’s my city.

Jason, who Batman just caught nicking his tires: No it’s fucking not.

Batman, a bit taken aback to why this little child was arguing back about this:… yes it is

Jason: yEs iT iS- do u have any certification proving that??? Hmm????

Batman:…..

-

Batman: It’s my city.

Steph: Ok so do I like get a share too then? 25%? 40%?? Actually we’re more like partners so maybe 50/50-

Batman: 😑😑

-

Batman: You do as I say. This is my city.

Tim: So you’re *some rich Gotham person*???

Batman: … who?

Tim: the technical owner of Gotham.

Batman: how do you know that??

-

Batman: this is my city

Damian: I-

Batman: *sigh* yes I know it’s in a metaphorical sense, I know I’m not the actual owner of Gotham

Damian: what are you talking about- of course it’s your city.

Batman, internally: *someone finally gets it at last-*

Damian: For you are superior to all and shall defeat any dare to say otherwise.

Batman: Damian no-

I always thought the ‘it’s my city’ line was a bit silly. Like no it’s not, you literally have no paperwork verified authority?? So I js imagined the robins would eventually humble him

[confused-wanderer]

Dick: Hey Bart! How’s it hanging?

Kid Flash: We accidentally travelled back in time like ten years or so

Dick: what else is new

Kid flash: .. Tim ran into his younger self

Dick:

Tim *walking past them and muttering under his breath*

Tim *mimicking*: Look at me! I’m so young and dumb! Such an annoying kid my god no wonder our parents were always trying to get away

Dick:

Tim *mimicking*: I’m so happy I’m smiling!

Kid flash: He-

Tim: Just suffer like the rest of us you coward

Tim *mimicking*: That’s not fair!

Tim: oh! Look at that! LIFE’S not fair dumbass

Dick:

Tim: Waah I’ve been hurt! I want love! Please don’t leave me!

Tim: Fool. Shut up and carry on with that pain in silence like the rest of us. Pathetic I was never like that . People are overrated and crying is underrated.

Tim *mimicking*: Oh! Batman’s awesome! And so is Robin!

Tim: Batman’s a goddamn idiot. Robin.. well okay true for the first one. But the second? The second one is a BITC-

[bats-and-the-birds]

-at a justice league meeting in the midst of a very very stressful few weeks for Batman where everything has gone wrong, alfred is on vacation, and Bruce has not slept in days-

Batman: -outstandingly still coherent, lays out an extremely detailed plan on how to take down the Villain Of The Week- Any questions?

Nightwing: -slowly raising his hand from across the table-

Batman: Yes?

Nightwing: So... in all of this planning did you block out time to go pick up Robin from school like you said you would, or do you want me to do that?

Batman: ...

Nightwing: I'd say we could just let walk home alone, but the last time you did that, we found him trying to dismantle a section of the Russian mafia about two hours after he was supposed to get home.

Batman: ...

Nightwing: And he gets out of school in -checks wrist like he's wearing a watch- ten minutes, so you might want to make a decision soon.

Batman: ...Fuck.

[p1nkshield]

Damian: Todd prepare. I’m going to kill you!

Jason: you can try but it probably won’t stick!

Bruce: what is this about?

Jason: I sent baby pictures of knife child to the robins group chat.

Damian: WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE THOSE TODD?!?

Jason: If I wanted something I would bribe Talia with them.

Damian: what? LIES! NEITHER OF MY PARENTS WOULD STOOP TO SUCH A LEVEL RIGHT FATHER?

Bruce: …

Damian: father?

Bruce:… how much?

Damian: FATHER?!?

Bruce: name your price!

Damian: NO!

[ghosty-batsy]

Babs: Depends on why you want to punch the kid- Looks at Damian Babs: What did little demon junior do this time

Steph, looking at Damian: Babs, would it be wrong to punch a child?

[incorrect-batfam-quotes-mostly]

Bruce: Today I realised I'm old

Clark: What happened?

Bruce: I fell in the kitchen and instead of laughing, all my kids came running to see if I was ok

Clark:

Bruce: I saw fear in their eyes

[secretidentie]

Tim for literally no reason: Hey Jason do yk where I can get some cocaine

Jason: Why tf do you need cocaine

Tim: I'm a teenage CEO why tf do you think I need cocaine

Jason: Fair enough. But I'm still not selling you cocaine

Tim: Why not? I just want to hang out with the other young finance bros

Jason: Hey dick head, tell your brother I'm not giving him cocaine

Dick: Tim are you okay? do you want to talk about this??

Tim: Uhg I'm fine. You're the one ones who said I should stop drinking coffee

Jason: and you thought this was a good alternative???

Tim: Come on I'll only do a little

Dick: Is this coz we spoiled the ending of wolf of Wallstreet

Tim: Why can't I just have some? You do!

Jason: No I don't

Tim: You're a crime lord

Dick: Yeah isn't it like part of the job

Jason: WHAT NO Stereotype much. I've never even seen cocaine up close

Tim: YOU'RE A CRIME LORD

Jason: Yeah not a drug dealer THERE'S A DIFFERENCE

Tim: I should have known your not cool enough to have drug dealer connections

Jason: OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA BUY A FUCK TON OF COCAINE AND DO IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU JUST TO RUB IT IN

Dick: Woah woah that's enough both of you. No one in this house is doing drugs. If anyone talks about cocaine again I'll tell Bruce you said you want to start a new crack epidemic. He'll make you sit in at strangers AA meetings and read through old case files of ex dealers and their autopsies. Don't. TEST. me.

Tim: ............

Jason: ............

Tim: Can you sell me meth?

[iwannabealice]

jason: i think we should get a divorce

steph: what are you doing?

jason: just practicing

steph: why are you already planning your hypothetical divorce?

jason: i don't know. i'm getting old, i think i'm having a mid-life crisis

steph: you don't even have a girlfriend

jason: hypothetically divorce me

steph: okay, then i'm hypothetically taking half your assets

jason: well, you didn't sign the hypothetical prenup

jason, to duke: it's called a prenup, right?

duke: yeah, it's a prenup, and you DID hypothetically sign one

steph: who the fuck is this guy?

duke: i'm his hypothetical lawyer in this divorce case

steph: well, then, i'm taking the hypothetical kids

steph, to tim: right? we can get those, right?

tim: yes, we can definitely get the hypothetical kids, don't worry about it

jason: who the fuck is this hypothetical fucking idiot? a hella fucking nerd idiot

tim: wow, that is a lot of hypothetical insults. i need to keep these on for continuity because i look like the other lawyer

steph: this is MY hypothetical lawyer, and we have been hypothetically sleeping with each other

jason: how could you hypothetically do this to me?!

steph: because you hypothetically are an alcoholic!

[greenapplebling]

Tim: Who suffers more, God or us?

Jason: God will suffer when I get there

Dick: And that's why he won't let you die for real

Jason: Cursed with immortality? Outrageous...

Tim: Or cursed to spend your other life in the limbo

Jason: I'm banned from Hell too??

[hopefully-helpful-daemon]

*after Tim dyed his hair for something*

Bruce: You look like the girl from monsters Inc.

Tim: Boo

Bruce:

Tim:

Bruce:

Tim: That's her name.

Bruce: Oh. I thought you were trying to scare me

[celaenaeiln]

Bird: *whistling*

Dick: *whistling back*

Bird: *whistling harder*

Dick: *copying it*

Bird: *excitedly hopping around and whistling a tune*

Dick: *grinning and copying back*

Bruce: Nightwing, stop that.

Dick: why? We’re just whistling

Bird: *chirping in agreement*

Bruce: *glaring at the bird* such a behavior is a security risk. You’re needed on fourth. *taking off into the night*

Dick: ..??? What was that all about?

Tim: *over comms* Bruce thinks all birds are government spies

Dick: What? That’s dumb!

Tim: …mhmm

Dick: Tim, don’t tell me you believe it too. That’s ridiculous!

Tim:

Tim: ...it has plausible theory!

Dick: ...oh my god Tim.

Bird: *sad chirping noises*

Later

Dick: You know, there's another reason why I know they aren’t government spies.

Tim: and why’s that?

Dick: *holding back his laughter* Because they’re whistleblowers

Tim: ... :0

Tim: oh my god they're whistleblowers

Dick: okay no.

[superbat-love]

Dick: [flaunting his Halloween costume] Ta-da! Guess what I’m supposed to be?

Cass: Fun Batman.

Jason: Batman having a midlife crisis.

Duke: Rainbow Batman?

Damian: Father with a fruit hat.

Tim: Fruity Batman.

Barbara: Batman finally being honest with himself.

Steph: Batman’s ‘Date night with Superman’ outfit.

Dick: …What? I’m supposed to be a Devil Fruit, guys! [points at his fruit stem headband]

Jason: I like my interpretation better.

Bruce: Thanks a lot, kids.

Dick: Well, what are you going to be wearing for Halloween, Bruce?

Bruce: This.

Barbara: You're going as Batman?

Bruce: No, I'm going as Bruce Wayne going as Batmaaan~~~

Tim: Omg, an even fruitier Batman.

[goodoldfashionedengineer]

The only time when all the batkids will work together in perfect harmony is to prank Bruce.

And for the best prank all they needed was a few label makers.

Labels are put on everything.

On every mug, on every plate, on every bandaid package.

The chocolate bars are labeled "BatSnack".

The fruits become "Batana", "Batricot" and "Batermelon".

Every button on the microwave, every key on the keyboard, it all gets a label.

"Batstop button", "Batstart button", "Bat-A-key", Bat-Enter-key".

Bruce's desk isn't simply the "Batdesk". It is the "Batwood construction surface".

There is a label beneath the desk too.

Originally named "underside of Batwood construction surface".

It takes days, weeks, months to remove all the labels.

Until one day, when Bruce makes a few new installations in the cave.

Surely some higher being is laughing at him right now, Bruce thinks, as he pulls of the last one.

"Batceiling"