#batfam incorrect quotes

[arandomao3user]

Batfam incorrect quotes that are inspired from real life things that happened with me and my adoptive Father!

—

(That time my Father's work colleague said how much I— mixed between Mexican, Italian, and native American— looked like my— Irish— adoptive Father.)

Random person: Wow, your son looks so much like you!

Kid Dick, not even the same ethnicity as Bruce:

Bruce, who's evidently to young to be Dick's Father:

Dick and Bruce: Thank you.

—

(That time my doctor thought my Father and I were blood related because we had similar health issues.)

Random doctor: You've been experiencing joint pain, yes?

Jason: Maybe...

Bruce: Yes, he has.

Doctor: And you also have reports of joint injuries, Mr. Wayne. Do you think it could be genetic?

Jason:

Bruce, who just kidnapped adopted Jason:

Bruce: Perhaps.

—

(That time someone thought I was the blood child of my adoptive Father and his biological kid was the adopted one.)

Reporter, to Tim: What's it like being the blood son of Bruce Wayne?

Damian, who's right beside Tim: Yes, Timothy Wayne, what is it like?

Tim, trying not to laugh:

—

(Those times people don't wanna be rude but also are hella suspicious.)

Employee at W.E.: So, you're..?

Teen Cass: Cassandra Wayne.

Employee: Bruce Wayne's... daughter..?

Cass: Yes.

Employee: . . . Lovely.

Cass: It is.

Employee:

Cass: Why do you ask?

Employee: no reason.

—

(Bonus+ of being adopted with the blood children)

Tim, to Damian: How's it feel knowing you were free?

Damian: Excuse me?

Tim: Adoption costs money. Bruce paid for me, he handpicked me and everything. I was chosen. I am the chosen one.

Damian: FATHER!

Bruce: He was $2,000.

Damian: Wow. How disappointing, he paid for you and you turned out gay and depressed.

Tim: Hey, I get to rub that in!

Tim, to Bruce: How's it feel knowing you paid for a bisexual disaster of a human being that will never move out or live a productive life?

Bruce: I still love you.

Tim: SEE!? I could commit murder again AND he'd still love me.

Damian: FAVORITISM!!!

Bruce: Also I can't get my money back.

Tim: EXCUSE ME!?

Damian: HA HA!

—

[wwrenwrites]

Hyper Independence

Therapist: Y/N, do you find it difficult to rely on Jason?

Y/N: A bit-

Jason: Lies

Y/N: What?

Jason: You walk into the street while using your phone all the time without looking because you assumed I'd stop you

Y/N: But you do !

Jason: You forget your wallet at home because you assumed I had mine

Wren: Okay, that was once—

Jason: You also stared at me in the car while ago and did not move from your seat. Waiting for me to open the door for you.

Y/N *mumbling*: …. That’s valid though

Therapist *smiling a bit more*: Interesting

[azrail-has-a-vendetta]

so my siblings look like twins (they are not) and once again my bullshit brain was like hmmmm batfam. So here. Have some Cass and Tim twin content. Featuring my siblings’ and I’s answers to:

”are you twins?”

-

Tim: we used to be.

-

Cass: Legally? No. Biologically? No. Genetically? Also no.

-

Tim: you can see her too?

Cass: *fucking disappears*

-

Tim: we are, but we were separated at birth so she’s older now.

-

Cass: That’s a long story. So here it is! It all started in the summer of 1783…..

-

Tim: well, not until after the accident.

-

Cass: After the witch got us, no.

-

Tim: She’s actually a failed clone experiment. Or was that me? -

Cass: he’s actually adopted but we are biological twins.

- Tim: yes but we have separate fathers. - Cass: *Ditto from Pokémon sounds* - Tim: Well you see I was an only child for 15 years but around 1444 I was standing in the swamp, covered in frogs, but these frogs had human eyes. They also had human feet but that’s not relevant to the story— that’s when the biggest, Jeramiah, started to speak… - Cass: father actually summoned us from hell so we’re not related in any way except that we both possessed the same body for a while until Tim got a separate one. - Tim: I had one but she died five years ago this very day. She died in a tragic bathroom accident. Fell in the toilet.

[shyjusticewarrior]

Tim: Is there- and I'm just guessing here- some kind of medication that you need a lot of and have taken none of, or maybe too much of today?

Jason: Oh I have a medical condition alright, it's called caring too much! And it's incurable!

[cardinalcheerio]

Jason walking through walmart: *almost runs into someone*: oh shit my bad

British sounding old guy: A Thousand Pardons!

Jason under his breath: the fuck-

[incorrect-batfam-quotes-mostly]

Bruce: Today I realised I'm old

Clark: What happened?

Bruce: I fell in the kitchen and instead of laughing, all my kids came running to see if I was ok

Clark:

Bruce: I saw fear in their eyes

[aeturnum-mendacacium]

Robin! Jason: Robin gives me magic! :D

Constantine: *suspicious side eye glaring* Hm....

Bruce: oh come on, just because I have a high chance of being consumed by evil if I do magic -which is why I'm not allowed to do magic- doesn't mean he will! That's just a kid's saying! Constantine: uh huh -------------------------------

Red hood! Jason: *all-blades in hand* Sup motherfuckers guess who's back Constantine: I FUCKING KNEW IT

[ffaelix]

Tim is typing furiously at his laptop when Damian walks in, holding a katana.

Damian: Drake, do you know what time it is?

Tim: not looking up Uh, noon?

Damian: Wrong. It’s time for you to perish.

Tim: still typing Can it wait until I finish this report for Bruce?

Damian: pauses …Very well. But know that your doom is imminent.

Five minutes later, Damian returns with snacks and silently places them next to Tim.

Tim: smirks Thanks for the snacks, future executioner.

Damian: huffs I refuse to let you die of starvation before I defeat you.

[demonicsuffrage]

Tim, abruptly standing up in shock: Wait, I just realised that Damian will graduate highschool in 2032

Damian, rasing a brow: Yes, ofcourse? As I am currently in fourth grad-

Jason, spitting out water: What the fuck? 2032?

Steph, pointing accusingly: That's not a real graduation year you made that up!

Dick: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little

Duke, with his head in his hands: Does anyone else feel both their feet in the grave? I graduated this year!

Dick: Feet? More like my entire body, I finished high school years ago!

Cass: Guys I think Bruce is crying

[dickgraysonmybeloved]

Duke in the back of the Batmobile covered in paint: Do you think different paints have different tastes?

Dick, in passenger seat as oldest rules staring absentmindedly out the window: They do.

Bruce, side eye in the cowl hits different: ...Why did you say that with such certainty?

Edit: now with a fanfic

[wwrenwrites]

Premarital Counselling

Therapist: Jason, how would you rate your trust in y/n on a scale from 1 to 10?

Jason: 11

Y/N: Aw—

Therapist: And how would you rate your trust in the world?

Jason: -500

Therapist:

[bbbbbbbbatman]

*in a group chat* Tim: lol im dying send help Dick: oof same Steph: me af Duke: rip, what's up man? Damian: Good. Tim: no like im legit dying Tim: some guy stabbed me in a mcdonald's parking lot Tim: the lol is habit Tim: *sends a blurry picture of himself dabbing in the ambulance*

6 people are typing...

[anyknotrants]

-after Damian turned 16, at the family dinner-

Bruce: so... Damian, do you remember the Oreov girl you met at the gala last week?

Damian: *looks up* yes

Bruce: what do you think of her...?

Dick: *tries not to laugh*

Tim: *fails not to laugh*

Steph: *doesn't even try not to laugh*

Damian: she was... acceptable, if a bit annoying, why do you ask?

Tim: He's trying to set you up!

Batkids -Damian: *laughs*

Damian: *stares blankly*

Bruce: of course, you don't hav-

Damian: father, are you unaware that I'm in a committed relationship?

Duke, Tim and Dick: *choke on their food*

Steph: *chokes on her drink*

Cass: *smiles*

Batkids: WHAT?!

Bruce: ... I-....

Jason: *laughs so hard he almost falls from his chair* oh Jesus Christ! The world's best detectives at their finest!

Dick: you knew? And you didn't tell me?!

Jason: where the fuck do you think he went almost every fucking friday?

Bruce: *turns to Damian* I- I though you were having sleepover with Jon

Damian: I was.

Dick: but you just-

Batfam: *stops all their movememnt as they realize*

Jason: *actually falls from his chair laughing*

Bruce: JONATHAN SAMUEL KENT!

-over at the Kent farm, also having family dinner-

Jon, who heard Bruce shout his name: I feel like I'm going to get murdered by a bat in my sleep

Clark, who was also listening in: right after you explain why I had to find out you're dating Damian throught their family dinner

Jon: hehe... fuck

[sprinkleofquirk]

Tim, on his 13th attempt to sneak out of the mansion to go on patrol with the flu and walking pneumonia: I didn’t “lose” my spleen. To lose something is to imply you don’t know where it is, and I know exactly where my spleen is; it just isn’t in my body-

Alfred, tired™ and armed with a tranquilizer: Even so, Master Drake, I must insist you get back into bed.

[confused-wanderer]

Dick: Hey Bart! How’s it hanging?

Kid Flash: We accidentally travelled back in time like ten years or so

Dick: what else is new

Kid flash: .. Tim ran into his younger self

Dick:

Tim *walking past them and muttering under his breath*

Tim *mimicking*: Look at me! I’m so young and dumb! Such an annoying kid my god no wonder our parents were always trying to get away

Dick:

Tim *mimicking*: I’m so happy I’m smiling!

Kid flash: He-

Tim: Just suffer like the rest of us you coward

Tim *mimicking*: That’s not fair!

Tim: oh! Look at that! LIFE’S not fair dumbass

Dick:

Tim: Waah I’ve been hurt! I want love! Please don’t leave me!

Tim: Fool. Shut up and carry on with that pain in silence like the rest of us. Pathetic I was never like that . People are overrated and crying is underrated.

Tim *mimicking*: Oh! Batman’s awesome! And so is Robin!

Tim: Batman’s a goddamn idiot. Robin.. well okay true for the first one. But the second? The second one is a BITC-