spite-and-waffles

[spite-and-waffles]

Crossover fic writers are always on some Galaxy brain shit because I have been in both fandoms but would never have even thought of this pairing.

(alt included)

Link to Video. (Please help Panda make money.)

Video description and transcript under the cut.

Description: TikTok video by The Panda Redd. Re-enactment of final scene of Under the Hood. All roles played by Panda (a tall, well-built young white man with a mohawk, wearing a grey hoodie). Setting is a dark basement lit only by a hanging light bulb.

Transcript.

Jason: (holding gun on Bruce) "Bruce, I forgive you for not saving me."

Batman: (glares silently)

Jason: "But why? Why on God's Earth—" (hits Joker across the face)

Joker (tied to a chair): *cackles*

Jason: "—is HE still alive??"

Joker: "AHAHAHAHAHHAHA!"

Batman:

Batman: "I'm sorry, d'you want me to be serious here or—?"

Jason: (in disbelief) "YES, Bruce! I want you to be serious right now! If he had done what he did to me to you, I would've done nothing but search the earth for this pile of death-worshiping garbage!"

Joker: "I love you too, Sugar Plum."

Batman: (holds hands up) "Okay, yeah, I get that, totally, I get that. Um. Have you tried?"

Jason: "Excuse you?"

Batman: "Have you tried to kill him yet?"

Jason: (to Joker) "Is he being serious?"

Joker: (also confused) "I'm gonna be honest with you, Junior. I don't know."

Jason: "Got it. Great." (turns back to Batman) "What the fuck does THAT mean?"

Batman: "Okay, so no, you haven't. Cool. Do it."

Jason:

Jason: (lowers gun) "What."

Batman: "Do it, cap his ass. Shoot him."

Joker: "I'm gonna go with Junior here, and say...what?"

Jason: "You want me to shoot him?"

Batman: "I want someone to shoot him! Give me the gun, I'll do it!"

Jason: (mutters, brain blue screening) "What is going on right now? This should a lot harder than it is."

Batman: "C'mon, son! You decapitated like eleven people three days ago! Fuckin' do it!"

Jason: "There, you happy? Jesus. Was that so hard? All of this time and it was THAT easy!"

Joker: (turns to Jason quizzically) "This has gotta be some sort of test, ri—"

(BANG! Jason fires. Joker lands on the floor lifeless, eyes still open.)

Batman: "I don't know what you're talking about "easy". There's nothing there." (nods at floor)

Jason: "What the fuck is that supposed to—" (looks down at floor where the Joker was lying)

Floor: (is devoid of Joker)

Jason: (stares)

Floor: (continues to be sans anything but carpet)

Jason: "What the fuck?"

Batman: "Yeah."

Jason: "WHAT THE FUCK?"

Batman: "Take as long as you need with this."

Jason: (looking around frantically) "I just shot him! He hit the floor! What the f—"

Floor: (is just vibin')

Jason: "Where the fuck did he go??"

Batman: "See that shit? That shit right there happens every fucking time!"

Jason: "There's not even a blood stain! It's just gone!"

Batman: "Yeah, like two days after you died, I chased him into a helicopter where he got shot like six times. The helicopter exploded and crashed into the ocean. And his body was gone before Superman could find it."

Jason: "Oh my God. I don't understand how this is even fucking possible!"

Batman: "He's like a cryptid! I don't fucking get it!"

Joker: (disembodied laughter) "AHAHAHAHA HAHAHA!"

Jason: (freaked out, turning in circles trying to find him) "Oh my God!"

Batman: "THAT OMINOUS SHIT HAPPENS TOO! I DON'T KNOW, DUDE!"

Jason: "Dude. Fuck whatever's going on here, that's some fucking bullshit."

Batman: "Thank you! Finally someone gets it!"

[spite-and-waffles]

My ideal beginning to a Batman movie:

We start with a slow pan down to Gotham as Oracle narrates

“Ask your average person who Gotham’s most famous citizen is, and you’ll get the same response every time: Bruce Wayne. Everybody’s heard of Bruce Wayne. You’ve probably heard his name a million times before. But there are some things that the average citizen doesn’t know about him. See, to the people of Gotham, Bruce Wayne is a rich kid who never grew up. They think he’s a buffoon, an airhead, a moron. But the truth is…”

*Batman bursts out of a window, screaming, on fire*

*record scratch, freeze frame*

“…they aren’t entirely wrong about that.”

[spite-and-waffles]

My ideal beginning to a Batman movie:

We start with a slow pan down to Gotham as Oracle narrates

“Ask your average person who Gotham’s most famous citizen is, and you’ll get the same response every time: Bruce Wayne. Everybody’s heard of Bruce Wayne. You’ve probably heard his name a million times before. But there are some things that the average citizen doesn’t know about him. See, to the people of Gotham, Bruce Wayne is a rich kid who never grew up. They think he’s a buffoon, an airhead, a moron. But the truth is…”

*Batman bursts out of a window, screaming, on fire*

*record scratch, freeze frame*

“…they aren’t entirely wrong about that.”

[spite-and-waffles]

Bruce Wayne except he texts like an ominous boomer

wdym you can't tell if he's threatening them?

Based on this post by @mysterycitrus :)

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Bonus:

Happy birthday, Tim 🥰

[spite-and-waffles]

HAPPY HALLOWEEN SPECIAL: PART 1

Visit his page and give the video a view.

Halloween Special: Part 2

Halloween Special: Behind the Scenes

This is almost word for word the scene from the UtrH comic, but better than I could have imagined! The play of light and shadow, the detailing of the costumes, the settings, the quality of the voices, the perfect blocking, intonation, just... everything. I tried to get as much of it in the video description as possible.

Video description below the cut.

[Video description: TikTok video by The Panda Redd. All roles are played by the creator, a tall, well-built young white man.

Night time. A car sits neatly in a parking slot in front of a brightly lit, slatted wall, tail lights a glowing red slash against the black chrome of its body. Red hued white text reading "HAPPY HALLOWEEN (Headphones recommended)" appears across the frame and disappears.

The headlights dim and the door opens. Heavy combat boots hit the aspalt on the driver's side. A black gloved hand takes out a smartphone, the screen flashing flame-red for an instant before pulling up an avatar of a black skull, and hits the call button.

CUT TO: a white-walled room. A bespectacled man in a suit enters.

Bespectacled man in suit (Black Mask's Assistant): *closing the door behind him* "Um. M-Mr. Mask...sir?"

Black Mask stands with his back to him, hands in pockets. The broad back of his iconic off-white suit complements the stark white walls and black accents of the room. When he speaks, his voice is both gutteral growl and hissing menace.

BM: "You better have a good-ass reason for bein' here."

Assistant: "Y-you know that guy who has been...stealing our shipments and killing our men?"

BM: *slight head turn, sarcastic drawl* "Yeah?"

Assistant:"Um..." *holds up phone in disbelief* "He's on the phone." *BM stills* "He wants...to talk to you."

BM holds out black gloved hand without turning around. Assistant hurries forward.

Cut to Black Mask's eponymous skull face as he raises the phone to his ear, dark eyes standing out against the rims of his charcoal eye sockets.

Tinny voice from the phone: "Hello."

BM: "Talk."

Cut back to car. Red Hood leans forward against the open driver's door, the back of his bulky black jacket and red helmet outlined in deep shadow against the brightly lit wall. His voice issuing from the helmet has the mechanical but clear sound quality of an internal mic.

RH: "So, what do you prefer I call you? Black Mask? Mr. Mask?"  *casually pushes door shut with a clap* "Rromi?"

BM: "Don't call me nothin'. Just talk. I'm listening. But just know when I say I'm listening, I'm actually thinking about killing your ass."

RH saunters around the car, the beautifully sleek contours of his helmet gleaming a polished red, its eyes glowing opaque.

RH: "Oh. Well that's not a great way to start our relationship now is it?"

BM: "Yeah, well, I have anger management issues. I abate those urges by murdering anybody who tends to annoy me."

RH: *sardonic* "Dark."

BM: "I take it you fried my shipment?"

RH: "Some of it. Some of it walked away."

BM: "I heard. I take it that you took something then?"

RH: "I did." *casually leans against the car* "Now, I don't mean to toot my own horn here, but um" *clicks tongue* "-it might just be the top shelf item."

BM: *groans, pinching the bridge of his nose between gloved fingers* "Goddamn son of a bitch!" *takes deep breath and straightens* "Alright, Red Rocket, which crate did you grab?"

RH stops at the trunk of the car. Behind him, a row of cars are parked in a neat half crescent, and the ambient noise of low traffic rises.

RH: "Well, sorry to tell you, but I don't exactly have a tracking number." *opens trunk with a snick* "You might recognize it though."

Cut to PoV from inside the trunk as the lid opens. A greenish light emanates from within, deepening the shadows of RH's helmet, the glow of its eyes somehow intensifying in menace.

RH: "It's the one containing over a hundred pounds of pure kryptonite."

BM's eyes go almost cartoonishly round, whites stark against the coal of his face.

BM: "Yeah I'm gonna need that." *turns and paces* "I suppose there's no way to just... persuade you to give it back is there?"

RH: *still leaning over the trunk, shirt almost luminescent in the green glow* "Your definition of persuasion being what, exactly?"

BM: "Well. One, I won't kill you. Number two - I won't. Fucking. Kill. You. Number three, and this is the most important one so listen up-" *Assistant and BM both sit down at the table* "You can have a job. Come and work for me."

RH's phone and eyes of his helmet are lit bright bluish-white in the darkness, green glimmers playing over red sheens.

RH: "Okay. One problem. I don't wanna work for you."

BM: "Okay then what do you want?"

RH: "I want. A..tremendous amount of money"

BM: "How much we talkin-"

RH: "Fifty million dollars."

BM: "Christ kid- fifty?? What d'you tryin' to budget a movie??"

Assistant: *leans in, hissing furiously* "Fifty?? Liquid?? What, is he insane??"

BM: *covers phone and leans towards him* "No, the insane ones make a suit out of the rock and then march it into Metropolis to play the king of the fuckin' mountain. This one knows what he's doing."

Assistant: *sputters in disbelief and leaves chair, agitated*

BM: *returning to call* "Fine. Listen, kid. That kinda traffic sends up way too many red flags. I can do four million cash today, and then transfer ten million. Take it or leave it."

RH: "Well." *holds up an object out of frame that washes his whole profile in a sinister blaze of red* "I'm sure I can find a buyer to match my price."

BM: "Yeah. And I'm sure I can find hippos that could paint houses. But I ain't never seen one. Have you?"

RH: "Deal." *throws item back in trunk and shuts the lid* "I'll call you in an hour with the location. And Sionis? I suggest you don't keep me waiting." *ends call*

BM: *looks at phone in disgust* "That little bastard hung up on me." *tosses phone onto table* ]

[spite-and-waffles]

Bruce Wayne, seeing Dick Grayson: I must help this small child.

Bruce Wayne, seeing Jason Todd: I must help this small child.

Tim Drake, seeing Bruce Wayne: I must help this grown-ass man.

[spite-and-waffles]

Joy is the Batfam fandom now??? Since when?? Is she writing fic???

(alt included)

Link to Video. (Please help Panda make money.)

Video description and transcript under the cut.

Description: TikTok video by The Panda Redd. Re-enactment of final scene of Under the Hood. All roles played by Panda. Setting is a dark basement lit only by a hanging light bulb.

Transcript.

Jason: *holding gun on Bruce* "Bruce, I forgive you for not saving me."

Batman: *glares silently*

Jason: "But why? Why on God's Earth—" *hits Joker across the face*

Joker (tied to a chair): *cackles*

Jason: "—is HE still alive??"

Joker: "AHAHAHAHAHHAHA!"

Batman:

Batman: "I'm sorry, d'you want me to be serious here or—?"

Jason: *in disbelief* "YES, Bruce! I want you to be serious right now! If he had done what he did to me to you, I would've done nothing but search the earth for this pile of death-worshiping garbage!"

Joker: "I love you too, Sugar Plum."

Batman: *holds hands up* "Okay, yeah, I get that, totally, I get that. Um. Have you tried?"

Jason: "Excuse you?"

Batman: "Have you tried to kill him yet?"

Jason: *to Joker* "Is he being serious?"

Joker: *also confused* "I'm gonna be honest with you, Junior. I don't know."

Jason: "Got it. Great." *turns back to Batman* "What the fuck does THAT mean?"

Batman: "Okay, so no, you haven't. Cool. Do it."

Jason:

Jason: *lowers gun* "What."

Batman: "Do it, cap his ass. Shoot him."

Joker: "I'm gonna go with Junior here, and say: what?"

Jason: "You want me to shoot him?"

Batman: "I want someone to shoot him! Give me the gun, I'll do it!"

Jason: *mutters, brain blue screening* "What is going on right now? This should a lot harder than it is."

Batman: "C'mon, son! You decapitated like eleven people three days ago! Fuckin' do it!"

Joker: *turns to Jason quizzically* "This has gotta be some sort of test, ri—" *Jason fires. Joker lands on the floor lifeless, eyes still open.*

Jason: "There, you happy? Jesus. Was that so hard? All of this time and it was THAT easy!"

Batman: "I don't know what you're talking about "easy". There's nothing there." *nods at floor*

Jason: "What the fuck is that supposed to—" *looks down at floor where the Joker was lying*

Floor: *is devoid of Joker*

Jason: *stares*

Floor: *continues to be sans anything but carpet*

Jason: "What the fuck?"

Batman: "Yeah."

Jason: "WHAT THE FUCK?"

Batman: "Take as long as you need with this."

Jason: *looking around frantically* "I just shot him! He hit the floor! What the f—"

Floor: *is just vibin'*

Jason: "Where the fuck did he go??"

Batman: "See that shit? That shit right there happens every fucking time!"

Jason: "There's not even a blood stain! It's just gone!"

Batman: "Yeah, like two days after you died, I chased him into a helicopter where he got shot like six times. The helicopter exploded and crashed into the ocean. And his body was gone before Superman could find it."

Jason: "Oh my God. I don't understand how this is even fucking possible!"

Batman: "He's like a cryptid! I don't fucking get it!"

Joker: *disembodied laughter*

Jason: *freaked out, turning in circles trying to find him* "Oh my God!"

Batman: "THAT OMINOUS SHIT HAPPENS TOO! I DON'T KNOW, DUDE!"

Jason: "Dude. Fuck whatever's going on here, that's some fucking bullshit."

Batman: "Thank you! Finally someone gets it!"

[spite-and-waffles]

(alt included)

Link to Video. (Please help Panda make money.)

Video description and transcript under the cut.

Description: TikTok video by The Panda Redd. Re-enactment of final scene of Under the Hood. All roles played by Panda (a tall, well-built young white man with a mohawk, wearing a grey hoodie). Setting is a dark basement lit only by a hanging light bulb.

Transcript.

Jason: (holding gun on Bruce) "Bruce, I forgive you for not saving me."

Batman: (glares silently)

Jason: "But why? Why on God's Earth—" (hits Joker across the face)

Joker (tied to a chair): *cackles*

Jason: "—is HE still alive??"

Joker: "AHAHAHAHAHHAHA!"

Batman:

Batman: "I'm sorry, d'you want me to be serious here or—?"

Jason: (in disbelief) "YES, Bruce! I want you to be serious right now! If he had done what he did to me to you, I would've done nothing but search the earth for this pile of death-worshipping garbage!"

Joker: "I love you too, Sugar Plum."

Batman: (holds hands up) "Okay, yeah, I get that, totally, I get that. Um. Have you tried?"

Jason: "Excuse you?"

Batman: "Have you tried to kill him yet?"

Jason: (to Joker) "Is he being serious?"

Joker: (also confused) "I'm gonna be honest with you, Junior. I don't know."

Jason: "Got it. Great." (turns back to Batman) "What the fuck does THAT mean?"

Batman: "Okay, so no, you haven't. Cool. Do it."

Jason:

Jason: (lowers gun) "What."

Batman: "Do it, cap his ass. Shoot him."

Joker: (finally rattled) "I'm gonna go with Junior here, and say...what??"

Jason: "You want me to shoot him?"

Batman: "I want someone to shoot him! Give me the gun, I'll do it!"

Jason: (mutters, brain blue screening) "What is going on right now? This should a lot harder than it is."

Batman: "C'mon, son! You decapitated like eleven people three days ago! Fuckin' do it!"

Joker: (turns to Jason quizzically) "This has gotta be some sort of test, ri—"

(BANG! Jason fires. Joker lands on the floor lifeless, eyes still open.)

Jason: "There, you happy? Jesus. Was that so hard? All of this time and it was THAT easy!"

Jason: "What the fuck is that supposed to—" (looks down at floor where the Joker was lying)

Batman: "I don't know what you're talking about 'easy'. There's nothing there." (nods at floor)

Floor: (is devoid of Joker)

Jason: (stares)

Floor: (continues to be sans anything but carpet)

Jason: "What the fuck?"

Batman: "Yeah."

Jason: "WHAT THE FUCK?"

Batman: "Take as long as you need with this."

Jason: (looking around frantically) "I just shot him! He hit the floor! What the f—" (turns back to the floor)

Floor: (is just vibin')

Jason: "Where the fuck did he go??"

Batman: "See that shit? That shit right there happens every fucking time!"

Jason: "There's not even a blood stain! It's just gone!"

Batman: "Yeah, like two days after you died, I chased him into a helicopter where he got shot like six times. The helicopter exploded and crashed into the ocean. And his body was gone before Superman could find it."

Jason: "Oh my God. I don't understand how this is even fucking possible!"

Batman: "He's like a cryptid! I don't fucking get it!"

Joker: (disembodied laughter) "AHAHAHAHA HAHAHA!"

Jason: (freaked out, turning in circles trying to find him) "Oh my God!"

Batman: "THAT OMINOUS SHIT HAPPENS TOO! I DON'T KNOW, DUDE!"

Jason: "Dude. Fuck whatever's going on here, that's some fucking bullshit."

Batman: "Thank you! Finally someone gets it!"

[spite-and-waffles]

some m/f ships are like. that woman is a lesbian. however that man is a woman so it all works out

[spite-and-waffles]

Actually I think the worst thing about "sweet, sunshine" fanon Dick is that he isn't allowed to be a BITCH and it makes him so much less funny

Look at this panel. Fanon Dick could never

[spite-and-waffles]

Bart: So your half Superman-half Lex Luther right?

Kon, grumbling: yes.

Bart: Does that mean you’re genetically predisposed to loosing your hair?

Kon:

Bart:

*4 hours Later*

Kon: What do you mean you don’t know how he lost his hair?

Tim: I mean I’ve been through 20 years of articles and none of them mention it. There’s like a five year gap between the last picture of him with hair and his first appearance bald.

Kon: Tim, you’re one of the world’s greatest detectives, I need you to find out how he lost his hair.

Tim: Why does it-

Kon: I can’t be bald, Tim!

Tim:

Tim: You could call and ask-

Kon: I’d rather go bald, thanks.

[spite-and-waffles]

Jason about to stab a demon with the All Blades: (Pauses) Would this be considered breaking B's no kill rule?

Tim trying to keep the demons mind controlled victims from killing him: If B has an issue with that I'm posting his post-Jason-death hospitalization rates on the fucking internet.

[spite-and-waffles]

Selina, Damian and Jason are all of the same mind on this, IMO.

damian would love selina and dc can't tell me otherwise. "she's a criminal and damian has a back and white moral" most of selina so-called crimes actually aren't about stealing jewelry but ANIMALS under abuse. bruce would come back as batman and damian be like "hell nah I'm going with selina and fighting big techs that experiment on animals bye!"

[spite-and-waffles]

peak bruce wayne and stephanie brown content is divorced dad who doesn’t really talk much and ninth grader who treats him like a kid she’s babysitting

[spite-and-waffles]

Headcanon: Bruce is a HUGE supporter of the phrase “Do as I say, not as I do.”

He used it a lot on Dick, which led to a lot of arguments–

“I can do that too!”

“What? No, Dick, you’re eight, you can’t.”

“But you do it!”

“Do as I say, not as I do.”

And also used it on Jason (or rather, used it before Jason could argue)–

“Look, Pops, you did–”

“For the love of–not again–Jay, do as I say, not as I do, okay?”

He didn’t use it much with Tim, the only exceptions being when he asserted his seniority.

“No, Tim, you can’t.”

“I’m preeetttyyy sure I can, actually. Besides, you do it, so–”

“NO.”

“Huh?”

“Just…just do as I say, not as I do, got it?”

It…didn’t really work with Cassandra…

“I know you think you know, but listen, you need to do as I say, not as I do–aaaaand she’s gone.”

Damian hates the phrase with a PASSION.

“I’ll do it.”

“No, you won’t, you’re not allowed. Permission denied.”

“But you did it!”

“Do as I say, not as I do, let’s go.”

Dick commiserates until one time Damian is fighting him on something and he just snaps, “Do as I SAY, not as I DO, damnit!”

Dick stops suddenly as the words leave his mouth. He is HORRIFIED.

“Oh my god,” he moans, covering his face. “I’m becoming Bruce. I’M BECOMING BRUCE.”

“What’s wrong with–”

“I OPENED MY MOUTH AND BRUCE CAME OUT”

[spite-and-waffles]

dick grayson is at once an only child (of his parents and bruce), an eldest child (of the batkids), and the youngest child (him and bruce)

[spite-and-waffles]

that’s the entire joy of dick graysons character. someone so beloved and respected who represents a heroic ideal and hope against despair while also being a petty neurotic bitch that never drops a grudge ❤️