#ptsd and cptsd

[not-poignant]

I've a bit of a vague question: How do you decide how much detail to go into when it comes to formative traumas for your characters, and particularly past sexual traumas and similarly loaded topics? I don't mind highly detailed, dramatic pasts (à la Doctrine of Labyrinths), though I know some people find overwhelmingly dark pasts trite and difficult to engage with ("grimdark" or "misery porn" - not terms I agree with), but in my own writing I tend to imply rather than state past horrors. 1/2

2/2 It's difficult to find the balance; obviously leaving too many things unsaid renders the story vague and not very compelling, whereas being too detailed alienates readers too. Of course there's ways to explore trauma which don't feel gratuitous or exploitative, but I think there's a knee-jerk impulse to dismiss certain media for the blatancy of their content alone regardless of how that's handled in-universe. How do you navigate this and settle on content which feels right for your stories?

*

Hi anon! At first when I was thinking of how to reply to this, all I had was 'I just do it, it feels natural.' Which is true! It does feel natural. But that's not helpful. So I've been noodling on it more and I think I finally have a twofold answer. Firstly, I don't care about what the reader thinks re: how graphic I get about retelling a character's past or trauma, because a) my content is thoroughly warned for and b) I tend to place additional warnings in 'extra confrontational' chapters. After that it's not my responsibility or my business. But I do know as someone who has been through extensive trauma, I would've like, sacrificed a theoretical firstborn to read stories that were as detailed and thorough as mine re: trauma recovery and trauma representation. I'm not writing for people who don't have trauma in their backgrounds (must be nice, can't relate), not to sound callous, but they're not my target audience and I don't care if they're too fragile to handle what's going on. They get the warnings. I write for the people who need to see their traumatic histories reflected in fiction. Because that's what I needed. Okay, so, point the second. How to know how much detail to go into? The character. I follow the character always. It's important to know enough about post-trauma and behavioural changes and what happens to the mind, as well as a character's general disposition, to know where you're going in terms of detail. That, anon, is something you're going to have to research.

Felix in The Beast that Chose Its Own Bridle is more 'graphic' in his thoughts because he doesn't have the same kind of post-trauma as many other characters I'm writing. He has it, but it manifests in how he communicates and attaches to people, but he has no problems reflecting on or recollecting certain experiences (while avoiding thinking about others). This is fairly consistent with the character in the canon. He's also known for weaponising or talking about graphic experiences for shock value, or to push people away. So he will choose deliberately confrontational methods of talking about his life.

Efnisien on the other hand in say Underline the Black doesn't believe he's been through trauma and his brain is very protective as a result. People with extremely protective minds aren't likely to have graphic recollections of trauma on a regular basis, or are more likely to have nightmares (which he has), or have profound behavioural changes (which he has) which are consistent with trauma. I expect Efnisien's memories will get more explicit as the story goes on. We can see his 'shying away from the graphic nature of upcoming trauma' in the medical exam, he is actively trying to dissociate. A character that dissociates will not constantly be reflecting on trauma, but they might be shocked by it in the form of visceral flashbacks or nightmares. They are more likely to show overall behavioural changes.

Efnisien in Falling Falling Stars had intrusive thoughts as a manifestation of his trauma, and as those intrusive thoughts were dealt with and Efnisien acknowledged he had trauma, he began to have more graphic flashbacks. The more he acknowledged the content in the flashbacks as being traumatic, the less he actually had to deal with a ton of graphic stuff being described, because he was slowly recovering.

Augus in the canon rarely reflects on any of his past trauma. We see it less than a handful of times in any graphic memories, over 1.5 million words. But he has some behavioural changes around trauma. When he experiences current trauma in the story, it's often emotional, and he usually responds with anger or a fight response (and sometimes a flight response). So I would say Augus' story and descriptions are overall less graphic, which fits his disposition, which is to heavily compartmentalise his pain, so he doesn't have to deal with it (which comes back to bite him later on).

So basically if a character is leaving things vague, it's because they can't handle it yet, and that's normally because of dissociation. I've definitely written characters who have dissociated through current trauma, and who are trying to avoid past trauma. Likewise, there are characters who are just starting to experience flashbacks, and characters who are so 'oh yeah I was a child prostitute, what of it?' (hi Felix), and it all comes down to just...where they're at in their journey. How healed is your character? What do they still have left to deal with? What are their main triggers? What do they see or experience in their mind or their body when they're triggered? Have they been through so much trauma, they no longer really respond to new traumas properly? (See Augus and Efnisien, lol). Or are they very unfamiliar with trauma? (See Eran). All of this changes how a character will think about trauma. If a character is super good at compartmentalising for example, even if they go through a current trauma, I'm not likely to write it in huge detail. But if they're bad at it, or flooded, I will.

When applying this to your own writing, think about your characters and their natures. Are they the type to mentally run and hide from trauma? Those characters might not be describing it mentally in great detail unless they're forced to because of a flashback. Or are they characters who don't find something that traumatic? Then you don't need to describe what's happening in as much detail. Are they very sensitive people? Then they might be noticing every detail, or they might be noticing one or two details and trying to forget the rest in order to survive. The nature of your characters, their previous experiences, their coping skills with trauma, for me, all determine how graphic you need to be.

Tl;dr none of my decisions are determined by the reader, because I don't care about the kinds of readers who will go 'this kind of trauma is gratuitous/exploitative' or whatever (and I'm sure some have). I have PTSD, therefore, I write post-trauma. Not everyone with PTSD can handle my content, that's why there's warnings. But for the people who can? Who need it because of their own histories? Who just want to a) feel seen, and then b) feel like healing might be possible? I see you. You're the ones I'm writing for.

Also, for the record, grimdark refers to no characters being likeable or trustworthy and generally terrible things happening all the time, including at the end. It assumes an untrustworthy and dark or corrupt world, and therefore dark or corrupt characters. It actually in and of itself has nothing to do with 'being super graphic about trauma' (though they do often go hand in hand). Most of my stuff could never be grimdark, no matter how graphic it gets, because there's always a lot of hope, healing, and the assumption that the majority of the world is capable of good despite great evil. As for misery porn, sure! But I don't care, see point 1, lol.

I definitely think researching trauma and researching case studies about how people write about their own traumatic experience can help. A lot of the time people who have PTSD aren't actually thinking about their experiences in graphic detail because avoidance is a symptom of PTSD, which means their/our behaviours have changed to avoid thinking about those things. My entire life has been marked with trauma, but I don't talk to anyone about it or think about it often, because avoidance is a cardinal symptom of PTSD/C-PTSD. So if I were writing my story, it would be very not graphic, with bursts of intense graphic detail that even I don't like experiencing.

Conveniently in storytelling, this means even if you are sharing graphic trauma, it's very selectively, and not all the time anyway. Because 'all the time' it's not how human brains work in the first place. So once you understand more about the mechanisms of trauma, trauma avoidance, post-trauma , and trauma recovery (where sometimes some of the most graphic reflection happens, but often in a more supported environment, so it can feel gentler to the reader), you get a better sense of how graphic to be, and how often! So I'd say this will be down to a) researching trauma and b) reflecting on the nature of your characters!

I hope that helps!

[starfishinthedistance]

I talk to many people who say things like "oh I have trauma but I don't have PTSD", but then when I talk to them a little more I realize that they most likely do, they just can't recognize it as such due to how lacking PTSD awareness is, even beyond the whole "it's not just a veteran's disorder" thing.

The main reason they think they don't have PTSD usually has to do with flashbacks and nightmares, either they have one but not the other or have neither. But here's the thing, those are only two symptoms out of the 23-odd recognized symptoms. Flashbacks and nightmares are two of the five symptoms under Criterion B (Intrusion), which you only need one of for a diagnosis. The other three symptoms are unwanted upsetting memories, emotional distress after being reminded of trauma and physical reactivity after being reminded of trauma (i.e. shaking, sweating, heart racing, feeling sick, nauseous or faint, etc). Therefore you can have both flashbacks and nightmares, one but not the other, or neither and still have PTSD.

In fact, a lot of the reasons people give me for why they don't think they have PTSD are literally a part of the diagnostic criteria.

"Oh, I can barely remember most parts of my trauma anyway." Criterion D (Negative Alterations in Cognition and Mood) includes inability to recall key features of the trauma.

"Oh but I don't get upset about my trauma that often because I avoid thinking of it or being around things that remind me of it most of the time." Criterion C (Avoidance) includes avoiding trauma-related thoughts or feelings and avoiding trauma-related external reminders, and you literally cannot get diagnosed if you don't have at least one of those two symptoms.

"Oh I just have trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep, but I don't have nightmares." Criterion E (Alterations in Arousal and Reactivity) includes difficulting sleeping outside of nightmares.

"But I didn't have many/any trauma symptoms until a long time after the trauma happened." There's literally an entire specification for that.

Really it just shows how despite being one of the most well-known mental illnesses, people really don't know much about PTSD. If you have trauma, I ask you to at least look at the criteria before you decide you don't have PTSD. Hell, even if you don't have trauma, look at the criteria anyway because there are so many symptoms in there that just are not talked about.

PTSD awareness is not just about flashbacks and nightmares.

[aurangg]

Something really not talked about with trauma disorders is the paranoia.

Being scared and jumping to conclusions when people stand a little too close to you, not believing people’s compliments and thinking they have hidden motives, not believing when people tell you they like/love you, thinking that strangers you see on the street want to hurt you, etc.

[recoverr]

you're not a monster. you're you. you're flawed, yes, but you're also incredibly alive. just human. real. capable of great things, capable of change and growth, too. don't define yourself by the inner critic lashing out at you. you're not your worst moments.

[ed-recoverry]

To anyone who was suicidal at age 14 or younger, here’s your permission to grieve. Here’s your permission to not joke about it or just flat out ignore it. Here’s your permission to acknowledge that lost child who felt way more pain than any child should ever feel. You’re allowed to cry for that child, whether you healed or are still suffering the same thoughts. Finally allow yourself to grieve for that child filled with undeserved hurt.

[android-boywife]

This is just gonna be me yelling into the void but!! peoples reactions to ‘baby reindeer’ are pissing me off and its so obvious they don’t understand CPSTD!!! ‘omg why did he try to relive his trauma’ ‘why did he go back to his groomer’ ‘hes a weirdo for getting off to his stalker’ these are all totally common reactions to sexual trauma!!! shakinf you by the shoulders.. saying shit like that is only reinforcing to the people who have experienced similar and related to that show that their trauma reactions are gross or make them stupid or a bad person. grooming and sexual trauma fuck you up real bad!!! its normal to act irrationally or in a way which makes the situation worse!! its common to try to re-experience it to try to take control! and its still! never! your! fault! screams!

[gh0stgirl-hotline]

Born to love cursed to be unlovable

[the-jesus-pill]

You’ve got to forgive yourself for being traumatized and needing to learn how to function again. 

Recovery isn’t always nightmares and depression, it’s forgetting to eat, being scared of what others might see as completely normal things, it’s getting random panic attacks, not knowing how to take care of yourself, not knowing how to live like an adult, even if you’re twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, of feeling like you’re failing to function in a world where everyone seems to have their shit together. 

If you need help, ask for it. Go to forums and ask for advice. Take advantage of community resources. Buy pre-sliced veggies and fruits, eat instant meals if you can’t cook for yourself today. Hire someone. Ask a neighbor for a favor. Buy any item you think might make life easier, even if you feel like you aren’t ‘disabled’ enough to have it. 

Some of the depression posts (ie open your windows, take a shower, go outside, call a friend) are really helpful but they’re not always enough. I’ve found advice for spoonies, people with chronic pain or other disabilities have the best tips because they know what it’s like to be bedridden, out of energy, stuck in a brain fog. 

You may never return back to the energy you had when you were younger and you might always need to use crutches to help you through life. It’s the same with medication. 

Trauma is a real thing that happens to you, it physically alters your brain and it’s alright to have lasting scars. 

You’re not broken, your life is not over and you can still be happy. 

It’s not your fault.

[youwillleaveme]

i can’t and shouldn’t have relationships, ever

[thelatestkate]

[mysterious-sludge]

Self-aware of my self-destruction, yet unable to stop myself.

[traumasurvivors]

If it’s possible, maybe try looking to who you’re going to be instead of getting stuck on trying to get back to who you were before the trauma.

Because trauma literally changes our brain chemistry. For most of us, we are forever changed. And that’s okay. It doesn’t make us less worthy or lovable or anything like that. But it can bring us down to be stuck on trying to be who we were before and often it is an impossible goal.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

anyone else have multiple traumatic memories associated specifically with holidays/family vacations? because that is a topic I never see discussed in all the So You Had A Shitty Childhood, Now What? self-help books i've been reading. but for me, it was a significant thing. and the more i think about it the more it seems like this would be an (unfortunately) common experience. would be grateful to hear if this matches other peoples' experiences...

[grison-in-space]

Okay so. So decomposing executive function problems, and the things people grapple with, is a thing that I've been chewing over lately. We talk a lot on Tumblr about executive dysfunction but that's a pretty broad category of brain no worky good, and I'm honestly really curious: for other folks who struggle with executive dysfunction, which specific function causes the most problems for you day to day?

If you have more than one thing you struggle with, pick the one that causes you the most problems day to day.

[unstablemotions]

Hey, you! You who suspect you might have PTSD, DID or another trauma disorder, but you think you didn't experience trauma "bad enough" to have developed a mental disorder from it? Let me suggest looking at it differently:

"If there's smoke, there's fire"

Do you experience symptoms of PTSD, such as hypervigilance, trouble sleeping, flashbacks, memory problems, dissociation, ect? Then yes, it was "bad enough". Maybe you don't remember anything "really bad" happening or you don't "feel like" it affects you, but listen to your body. The body remembers and the body doesn't care if you think it is "stupid" or "weak" to have a panic attack when someone touches you or that you still have nightmares about that thing you saw when you were 4 years old

Trauma isn't what happened. Trauma is the reaction to what happened. So what I'm trying to say is that if the reason you think you can't have PTSD/DID/OSDD/ect is because you didn't go through anything horrific enough for that, then maybe forget about what happened to you for a moment and just look at the evidence your body and mind are showing. And then, most importantly, be compassionate with yourself. You're going through a lot and it's gonna be okay in the end. Take it easy, okay? <3

[neuroticboyfriend]

hey you. are you frustrated with yourself? are you beating yourself for not coping better? for not doing things you know can help you? for being afraid, angry, or depressed? ask yourself that, honestly.

if the answer is yes, i want you to know one thing: you're gonna be okay. it may not feel like it, but you're doing your best. you can't hate yourself into knowing better, and hating yourself still won't help you with the things you do know. knowledge and awareness and willpower can only get you so far.

you're not a computer. you're not a textbook. you're a living breathing being. you have feelings and beliefs, and it's going to take some time to work through those. it's okay to be scared. it's okay to be frustrated. it's okay to not be okay. no one can be good and fine all the time, and many of us can't be so often.

so, this is your sign to meet yourself where you're at. keep your head where your feet are. you're exactly where you're meant to be. you can't force yourself to be someone you're not, and the only way this gets better is if you accept yourself first.

so just focus on that. what you're experiencing right now will pass. future you will figure things out. for now, just be. just be. that's all you have to do. you exist and that's good. you're doing great. keep going. you'll be surprised at what you're capable of. ♡