#borderline relationship

[youwillleaveme]

they will replace me so easily and never remember who i even was

[shehasbpd]

thoughts. my bipolar mixed episodes and her bpd. nothing new, just writing it all down again.

when I went through my mixed episodes as someone with bipolar-I, life did not feel at all real. and it always felt scary, one way or another. as a mood disorder, it comes it at number 1 for the rate of __ (you can probably guess).

in the manic phases I was floating high above the world with a remarkable grin on my face, spending money like I had billions in my bank account, making moves on too many women at work with no regard to the power dynamic of me being in a position of authority with them, not giving a fuck when speaking with law enforcement or my boss. in the depressive phase I was at the bottom of the deep well of despondency, feeling like there was never to be any way to climb back up, and feeling so desperate that there was no other option than to beg my way out of this life, curled up, tears pouring down, fingernails scratching the floor. and sometimes it was both—haunting despair and reckless confidence, all at once; a perilous mix where I felt powerful enough to actually end things. I ended up in in-patient care six times, once for a period of four weeks; I was in there on christmas day.

now it sometimes feels like i'm on the other side of things. stable? I'd say mostly, though feelings are always there, just shuffled to the background. I can manage it through self-care, removing myself from the chaos of normal life. medication has helped tremendously. I'm on a mix of mood stabilizers, uppers, and downers—lamotrigine, bupropion, prozac, xanax, risperidone, gabapentin, as well as some supplements. I deal with unpleasant side effects of the medications, but at least they provide some relief. (I also underwent 39 ect treatments, which I'd never recommend to worst enemy; I'm not sure of the effectiveness for bipolar; it fucked up parts of my life.)

and so, being with someone who deals with borderline personality disorder brings up so much for me. I need to feel endless compassion for them, for their sake and mine. every day is similar to those swings that I would experience over months. rates of __ are even higher than with bipolar, which terrifies me (bpd is classified differently as it's not a mood disorder). i can't imagine feeling out of touch with reality 24/7, overly intense emotions snapping back and forth on an itchy trigger, sometimes misfires with no touch of that trigger at all, sure that no interpersonal relationships could ever work because of the prevailing babel (a new word that I just learned, meaning 'a scene of noise or confusion'; it's also the name of a book she recommended to me that I'm about to start).

i want to say that i can relate, but there's still no way that i properly can—i feel selfish, having at least partial relief thanks to medication. there are no medications for bpd. she chases dopamine or release through impulsive and risky behaviour when feeling empty, when feeling void; the sex and the speeding and the alcohol and the pills torment me. other than that, I suppose distracting herself with books might help somewhat—she's constantly reading, but the intrusive thoughts hover anyway. she relives past trauma of abuse as a child and as a teenager, and i'm sure that every minute of life feels like new trauma. how often are there moments of true joy? does therapy help? over the long-term perhaps, but i can imagine that it's rare to receive adequate treatment on that front.

despite all of my struggles with bipolar, I would never wish to switch places with someone with bpd, living with that daily hell. maybe my experiences help me with being compassionate; maybe it's emotional maturity through my own therapies; maybe it's the wisdom of age. I just wish the compassion was enough to provide some help.

[burnmyh4nd]

nos últimos tempos me atrivui alguns diagnósticos algumas vezes. e aí depois bate culpa tipo ah to pesquisando sobre esse diagnóstico pra tentar me entender, mas to me apropriando pq nao tenho.

mas pensando aqui, diagnósticos psiquiátricos têm semelhanças entre si. tipo padrões de funcionamento, etc.. n quer dizer q tenho todo diagnóstico com que me identifico. mas que tem algo que a galera que tá falando sobre as próprias experiências de se relacionar com as pessoas que ta me ajudando a entender minhas próprias experiências. e pq não? tipo não preciso entrar numa caixa diagnóstica e esperar que só aquele nome vai ser suficiente pra traduzir formas """disfuncionais""" ou sla sofridas msm de lidar e agir.

[darkacademiboy]

[burned0utstar]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to be like that. I don't want to act this way.

I'm sorry I can't communicate. I'm sorry that I try and push you away. I'm sorry. I just want you with me.

I'm sorry that I can't say that to you. I'M SORRY.

I'm so fucking sorry please don't leave me?

I know I'm hard to love. I KNOW.

I don't want to be like this.

I promise I am trying to change.

I promise I can act normal.

Please?

[dxndeli-n]

Abandonment issues go brrr

[hussyknee]

Forgive yourself for the way you behaved when you were in pain. You didn't mean to drag your loved ones down with you. You were only thrashing and flailing and trying to not to drown. They didn't leave because you were a bad person. They left because they couldn't save you and had to save themselves. It's not an indictment of either your worth or their love. You didn't ask too much, they just couldn't be what you needed and had to make space for someone who could.

In another life, where you had had the help you deserved, where you had had the space to breathe, where something had been different, it wouldn't have happened. Sometimes, it's all just a consequence of circumstances outside of our control. None of you deserved any of this, and you all get to hurt and grieve and be angry that it all fell out this way. But don't be ashamed that the pain got the best of you. You didn't fall short any more than they did. You just became overwhelmed.

[realbeefman]

nobody wants to see sex in tv shows they want to see two people who obviously want to have sex be so goddamn weird about the fact that sex isn’t happening.

[youwillleaveme]

i can’t and shouldn’t have relationships, ever

[hamoodmood]

[cloudabserk]

sasuke is so obviously intended to be read as gay it actually makes me feel like i’m going insane

[majunju]

any mithra enjoyers out there

[burned0utstar]

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

I need someone, anyone, to love me.

Being unlovable hurts.

It's the pain of knowing that noone can ever love me the way I love them.

To love the way I do is to burn and scratch open my skin just to try and show you a part of me.

It's to always wait for something.

[preacherboyd]

Suits | 1x06 Tricks of the Trade

[borderlinereminders]

No one else thinks the exact same way you do. What may be obvious to you may not be to someone else. Don’t base whether you think someone cares about you on you dropping hints and expecting people to get it. Most of the time, they’re not ignoring your hints on purpose. Start being upfront with people and telling them what you need.

[naofaun]

It's normal to feel jealous. In friendships, relationships, whatever. Jealousy is a very normal, very human emotion and most likely, it's telling you that a need of yours isn't being met. But sometimes jealousy just shows up randomly and makes itself known for no reason. Maybe you have the happiest relationship possible and you still get jealous. Maybe all of your needs, and more, are being met. That's okay.

Never be ashamed of jealousy. Never be ashamed of anger or sadness or fear. These emotions are not “bad”, there is no such thing as bad emotions. You cannot be completely free of them, and they do not inherently mean you or the other person(s) is abusive.

Listen to what your mind is telling you. If you're jealous every single time your friend hangs out with someone that's not you; why? Are you scared of your friend liking the person more than you? Are you scared that you're not worthy of your friend's time and energy? Are you scared that maybe the other person secretly hates you and plans to turn your friend against you?

Whatever it is, its okay. Don't listen to people telling you that “non-abusers don't get jealous”. Because they do. It's just about how they handle the jealousy. If you listen to your body and figure out the underlying fear or insecurity, you're already doing way more than most.

Sometimes you can talk to your friend about that fear. Sometimes you can explain to them that you feel afraid when they hang out with other people because you're insecure. Do not ever make it out to be their problem, like something they should fix. They can understand and do their best to help you, but do not ever demand or even let them drop these friends for you. Unless the friends are genuinely awful people (which you should then have an entirely different conversation about), it is your friend's right to keep them as friends.

But maybe you can come to a compromise. Maybe when your friend is done hanging out with someone, they can tell you about what they did. Maybe instead of an obligation, its like a “oh my god I had so much fun and I want to tell someone about it” thing. They get to talk about how much fun they had to someone that cares, and you get to know that these other people didn't try to turn your friend against you, or whatever your fear may have been.

Anyway, my overall point is; jealousy is okay and normal. It usually covers some sort of insecurity or fear, like how anger can cover sadness or hurt. It doesn't matter how often you feel jealous - I'm a very very jealous person but I have coping mechanisms and ways to help me when I get jealous so that I don't hurt the person I'm jealous of. I will always suggest mental health assistance like therapy or medication if it's available, but sometimes, its more about the way you treat your feelings and the communication you have with your friends.