burned0utstar

[burned0utstar]

Everything is getting bad again. I need help. I need something. Something else than just all of them telling me it's going to be okay again. Because maybe it is, but it doesn't feel like it. I need rest. I need my brain to stop being like this.

Why? Why did all of this shit happen? Why do I have to be mentally ill? Why don't the pills work? Why does therapy not work? Why is my brain altered by things that happend years ago?

Why c-ptsd? Why bpd? Why bipolar? Why hallucinations? Why autism? Why?

Was I that terrible that I deserve all this?

I can't deal with all of this anymore. I just can't.

[burned0utstar]

They don't trust you. They tell me I can't. It's to dark. To much noise. They will not let me. They know what's best.

They now. They always do .

They don't like you. They say it's dangerous. They know me. They know what's best.

[burned0utstar]

I can't find the words to tell you.

I am drowning.

I am sinking.

I am not able to grasp the safety rope.

My hands are full of blood. I do not want to dirty it. Dirty you.

Help me?

[burned0utstar]

Fuck off. Fuck off, all of you, fuck off.

I hate you, you don't care. Admit it, you just don't care. So fuck off now.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

You can leave me, I don't care, fuck off and just leave me here.

Just fuck off. I don't need you. I don't.

[burned0utstar]

Shaking my head feels like someone just attached it, it doesn't seem to be supposed to be there.

It is wrong. I am not ment to be a human, I am not. I am a puppet, something not quite human, I am the stranger you see, but you will not ever see me.

Let me leave, I am not ment to be here.

Here is bad. Leave.

I am not human.

[burned0utstar]

Someone please bash me and call me gross and dirty until I have the energy to take a shower?

I need to get my shit together...

Also, you can totally insult me and all that stuff, so I also study biology and Latin, I really really need to do that.

I am just terrible and need people to shame me into doing basic stuff.

Please?

[burned0utstar]

Yes, yes you are. We all are, it's just hard to accept that. You are an awesome person, and deserve to be loved and valued exactly how you are. You don't have to change in any way, you are already perfect :)

And it's totally okay if you can't see that yet and if it feels like you might never be able to, but you are.

I just want to be loved.

Please?

[burned0utstar]

Too much, all too much.

People and sounds and light and I am I'm so much pain.

Get me out of here, into the void. I need eternal darkness, nothing can touch me anymore. Nothing to hear.

The voices, they are so loud, make them stop. Why do they want this?

Why do they want me to hurt myself?

They are so so loud, please just shut up.

Anything to shut them up.

[burned0utstar]

I don't want you in my life anymore. I don't want you in my head anymore.

Leave me alone, the memories are burning my soul. I do not want to remember anymore.

[burned0utstar]

I need you to care.

Please care? Please please please care?

I thought you would? I thought you did?

Why don't you?

Please just care?

I know this is normal for me, that I normalise it, that this happend before, that it will happen again, that I got used to it and try to make everyone around me also used to it.

But, but right now, I just need you to care. This isn't normal. This isn't healthy. It's not just a funny thing I do. It's not just a silly little quirk of mine.

Please? Please care again?

I need you to care.

[burned0utstar]

Maybe they would all care if I am dead.

Revenge will taste sweetest when I am in the ground, maggots feasting on my rotting flesh.

I will make them pay. They will all suffer like I do. They will all feel what I feel.

[burned0utstar]

Fucking 3 weeks.

3 weeks and this, this is what makes me relapse?

And now I also have blood on my shorts, how should I explain that?

How should I do anything at all if I still want to cut?

Deeper. And deeper. And deeper.

I don't know how to survive now.

I want to see fat and muscle. I want to do real damage.

Nothing and noone can safe me now. I just need to destroy myself.

More. And more. And more.

[burned0utstar]

Me and my bf were texting and he said something about how the word love carries so much weight so I hit him with “if you aren’t comfortable/don’t feel that way you aren’t obligated to say it” cause like that’s true. AND HE HIT ME WITH “Ok stop before you spiral into some dumb shit please 🙏 I DO.” And followed that up with a whole paragraph about how he cares so much about me and he just has such bad history with the word. MEAN WHILE IM JUST LIKE 😭😭OMG HE ACTUALLY HAD THE KINDNESS IN HIM TO TELL ME TO STOP BEFORE I SPIRAL AND REASSURE ME😭😭 PLEASE DONT LET ME LOSE THIS MAN HES SO FUCKING UNDERSTANDING WITHOUT ME EVEN HAVING TO SAY ANYTHING

[burned0utstar]

Maybe I am unlovable. Maybe my body makes you want to flinch back and go blind.

Maybe the way I act makes you slowly loose your mind. Maybe you don't actually like me. Maybe I make you want to tun away.

Am I still beautiful if you really look at me? Am I still enough if I can't belive you?

[burned0utstar]

I am not sexual. I don't like it.

But god, am I desperate to be loved.

I will be everything you want if I get to feel wanted for even a second.

Let me be your everything if I get attention.

I am begging to be needed, I do not care what I have to sacrifice for that.

[burned0utstar]

Please please please just stop it!

Please make it stop?

Please take it all away, please I don't want this?

Please lelase please please don't? Don't do this to me?

Please, I can't, please?

I'm sorry, please don't do this

[burned0utstar]

It's the days where nothing actually happens, when it is hardest for me to stay sober.

The moon is watching me, trying to take me home, but what if home is not the answer.