burned0utstar

[burned0utstar]

I'd like to kill myself please.

I don't know how to survive letting you go fully.

I don't know how to survive seeing you change from afar.

[burned0utstar]

Today I told someone about you.

Today I told someone about you and got sad again.

Sad because what happend after you left.

Sad because what happend while you were still with me.

Sad because I told you more than anyone else before.

Sad because you made me feel safe.

Sad because sometimes i miss that safety.

Sad because I still don't miss you.

I never loved you for you I think.

I wish I did.

[burned0utstar]

this is so painfully real, it's actual agony

[burned0utstar]

The wound itches so much, ahhhhh!!

I'd love to just rip out the stitches, it itches so fucking muchhhhh

[burned0utstar]

I don't love you as much anymore.

[burned0utstar]

The moon is beautiful, I have good friends, school is alright, I have new hair dye, Linkin Park has a new album.

And yet, despite all of this, I am still not okay.

Still I had to go get stitches today because I couldn't stop myself from relapsing.

I just want to get better.

[burned0utstar]

It's 2 am and I just changed my bandages; my disinfectant is empty, I have blood all over me and I crave brownies.

[burned0utstar]

what the actual FUCK do i do?? my fp for the past year is fading. i hung out with him today and by the end i actually WANTED him to leave?? please tell me its just stress and i was tired i was just tired i still love him just as much i still love him i still love him ill never let him go. i cant move on from him, not now. not right before he gets to see me perform on the stage he performed on, not right before i get to show off everything ive been working for. why doesnt he make everything okay anymore? we hung out and i was still tired, still stressed, still pissed, still anxious. he doesn’t take me to our little world of ecstasy anymore, he’s just some guy who i’ve let get much too close.

[burned0utstar]

I love having her in my arms, hearing her breath and kissing her forhead. It's the only time I can try to belive that this might be okay.

[burned0utstar]

I might be getting better.

Or I am just wasting away.

It feels the same sometimes.

[burned0utstar]

Thought my best friend was dead all day long and now he texts me asking why I didn't text more.

I didn't text more because I couldn't stand the thought of him never answering again.

I was so scared of never seeing him be online again.

[burned0utstar]

I wish it was socially acceptable to go up to people ans ask them if it's okay to take a picture of them because they would be perfect to draw and I've had an art block for the past few weeks, so I really need to draw them now.

Sadly it's not, so now I don't know what to do.

[burned0utstar]

I thought I ment something to you.

I'm sorry for being so dumb. I should have known.

I'm sorry, I never ment to love you like this.

[burned0utstar]

I've been lying about getting better, every time someone asks me how I'm doing I tell them how great I am, how much I improved, that I'm passing my exams and getting shit done.

But actually, actually, I have never felt more alone. I am not thinking about death but my soul is craving it. I am not hurting myself in a physical way, but in other ways that matter too.

I don't know how to explain that everything is looking better but I'm feeling worse.

I don't know how to ask for help when everything seems to go along smoothly.

[burned0utstar]

I miss living for someone.

To have a reason, a purpose, not just to survive, but to get better, to breath, to exist.

I want to give everything to someone.

[burned0utstar]

Today I was talking to friends and realized that my life isn't really normal.

Apparently it isn't an universal experience to have your first attamt at 8?

I mean, I know that it's weird, but I didn't realize I guess??

Like, yeah...?

Overthinking my life again because of that realization??

[burned0utstar]

Hey there, if you wanna hurt the cousin that hurted you in a sexual way, then probably fight with him and actually sexually assault him and probably yell at how much you hate them for sexually assaulting them and probably blackmail them so much

It would be so fun and deserving, in fact, if someone sexually assaulted you, another way to give that person punishment is to sexually assault them and keep them for speaking up

Thanks for the revenge ideas, but it's okay, I don't want to hurt him.

He was only a child too and has some mental issues (which isn't an excuse), I have forgiven him (probably).

Also, I don't ever want anyone to go through what I did. Noone deserves that. Noone.