#ptsd thoughts

[borderlineangel222]

i never felt loved by my family which is why i always searched for it in the worst places because when you’re about to die of thirst, even a drop of poison tastes like heaven.

[psychocitysblog]

I really want to kill what’s inside of my head. I hate living like this day after day. Just kill me instead.

[brokenfrombirth]

🎶 I just wanna thank you for beating me down, for messing me up, for making me feel like I’m not enough 🎶

[spookietrex]

Here's the thing with my trauma: yeah, it's uncomfortable. Most adults that survived horribly abusive childhoods have uncomfortable stories. My therapist and I regularly comment that my life could have been a true crime documentary with all the crimes and victimization that happened to me. But just because I get graphic with the details and they make you uncomfortable or you don't believe that someone would do something as fucked up as what I'm telling you, you don't get to tell me it didn't happen. Because guess what it did. I did live in a house that was worse than most of the houses on Hoarders where there was regular animal feces. I did live in a house where my mother regularly physically abused me AND gaslit me into thinking I couldn't do anything about it. I was severely sexually abused in a number of vile and disgusting ways. Just because your mind can't imagine the depravity that someone else has been through doesn't mean you get to deny their existence.

Especially if I've already been diagnosed by multiple mental health professionals with PTSD. You don't get to say that my trauma isn't real or it didn't happen because it was just another Tuesday for you.

[apathetic-outsider]

Ptsd (post-traumatic stress disorder) : feels like every age you look back on was linked to a piece of major trauma.

[skin-slave]

Camp Cretaceous is PTSD/trauma reaction visibility. It's not perfect. Nothing ever is. But listen.

S1 Darius, having dreams linking losing Ben to losing his Dad. Trauma dredges up trauma. The fact that he becomes kinda obsessed with getting everyone home, to the point that he regularly puts himself in danger. Hyperfocus on preventing Bad Thing from happening again.

Everyone's reactions after Ben falls. Kenji obsessed with finding Bumpy, and keeping his fanny pack from then on. Sammy bursting into tears, while everyone else seems shocked. Brooklyn has an angry outburst. Everyone reacts differently. As the story moves on, they're all mourning, but they react to references to Ben in their own ways.

Ben himself. His changes are framed as positive, but that's some serious exposure therapy. He becomes angry and reactive, focuses on being strong and able to endure. And when he's taken out of his element, he has a crisis. Even later, when it seems resolved, he's stubborn about his relationship with Bumpy. She's an extension of his strength, and anything that seems to lessen that is a threat.

The Long Run, with Yaz talking to herself, reliving moments of her relationship with Sammy. Kenji afraid to approach while Brooklyn is hands-on. Darius has to move, go, do something. Ben assuming she's dead when they all get back. Begging, bargaining, addressing one another

S4 Yaz with her vivid nightmares. The sensory overload when triggered. Lightheadedness, racing heart, shortness of breath. Freezing. Hitting her leg when extremely triggered. (It doesn't address whether she's trying to wake herself or if it's a kind of reflex that she's developing, but either would be appropriate.) The fear of never being "normal" again.

The fact that not everyone is affected equally. Even tho most of the kids have nightmares, their responses are different. Darius's sense of responsibility for everyone else doesn't go away when he finds out Ben is alive. Yaz doesn't start freezing until they're away from Nublar, and talking about it doesn't "fix" her. It's not formulaic. And it's not resolved at the end. There's no message that everyone is all better. They're all changed. But life goes on.

[stumbling-after-happiness]

TW (CSA)

A hard thing for me about being a CSA survivor/victim is that it can be like living a double life.

I’ll stand in the supermarket check out line like I didn’t have a seriously effed up childhood, holding some discounted fruit. And no one around me knows that I’m trying to cope with the earth-shattering knowledge that my own mother and father were my abusers. And most other people seem to be waiting in line with their supplies as though they have no idea the pain that someone can inflict on another.

Some people sadly probably do know about this deep pain. However, we just wait there with our waiting faces, trying to get our food and go.

It’s like I’ve just survived a horrendous ship wreck and I’ve pulled myself to shore. My hair is matted, clothes hanging off, pale skin, dirty nails, shivering, no shoes, and a wild desperation in my eyes. And the people around me are just walking past.

The invisibility I feel as a survivor is no one’s fault, however it’s so strange living in a world where many others have no idea of the suffering I’ve experienced.

And the expectation is there that I should be a fully functioning adult with a job, neat little life, and average levels of happiness. When I’m still coming to terms with what I lost in a storm.

[smollkittie]

I just want to stop feeling tired, I want to be taken care of without third party interests, I want pure love

[cassettoicecream]

In his rooms, where none is watching, the apparently impassive general can let go himself and his fears.  During his duties he seems so confident, but it's just because he is very good to hidden what haunt him from his childhood

[loislaina]

"Combat programming is easy. Social programming, not so much."

"It's the same for sentients."

--Peebee and Jaal

I relate to this so hard.

[psychocitysblog]

Why does depression have to take over my body? I feel so dead.

[thelonelyfirefly]

Sometimes I wonder if, maybe, I’m meant to be alone- not to be depressing, but I think about it often. I leave a bitter taste in peoples mouths and somehow I still have friends who love me?

Maybe I’ll always be that seasonal lover- there to get you through that moment, but not forever.

[radrecovery]

You have to let her go,

You have to let who you thought you were suppose to be go. It wasn’t your fault, but it’s holding you back. You can’t go back ever, so stop looking back. Take as long as you need to heal, But you have to let her go. You’ve to create someone new, that part of you is dead now. Stop watering her.

[betweenmee]

I wish I wasn’t like this.

[pawbug]

now i don’t usually post things like this, i hate the “youre so brave because you survived” sentiment because i was not brave and i did not survive. i was afraid and scared and dying and my body remembers when i don’t. discounting that is unfair to my struggles. the sentiment is there but do not tell me i survived when the only thing surviving about me is my heart beating

[dosiadove]

today was a high anxiety day for me and I've been fighting tears. I wanted to make a list of things I am grateful for lately to help.

☆ food we got from the truck yesterday (mainly flour to make desserts with)

☆ our youngest dog calming down and not being as reactionary as he used to be

☆ new friend I made at church and her familly being welcoming and loving

☆old church friend I have been able to reconnect with

☆ the beautiful area I get to live in

☆ bugs

☆ my good and caring pcp who was able to get me a higher dose of my medicine

☆ how much progress I've made with my struggles

☆my sister letting me use her computer to play minecraft