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You knew what you were doing and you knew it would hurt me, but somehow that didn't stop you.

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{Words by Anaïs Nin, from The Diary Of Anais Nin, Vol. 4 (1944-1947) / Cynthia Cruz from diagnosis,The glimmering room}

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Something my friend and I were talking about that I think is important is what can happen sometimes when abuse stops.

For my friend, she expressed that her mental health got worse when the abuse stopped. And we talk about that because for a lot of survivors, it’s what happens when we’re feel we’re safe now and our brains begin to process the trauma. But there can be other reasons, too. And for her, it was because she suddenly didn’t feel important anymore. Because while the cruelty sucked, it made her feel she mattered. After it was done, the person was indifferent to her and it felt worse to her.

And I asked her if it was okay if I talked about this because it isn’t something I’d thought of before and I imagine there’s a lot of people who could benefit from me sharing her experience so you know you aren’t alone.

If that’s how you feel, your feelings are valid. And it doesn’t mean you deserved the abuse. It’s okay if your feelings are complicated. You aren’t alone and you are still worthy. Always.

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Why I don't like to talk about my alters on my accounts:

- Alters are not the only part of OSDDID! There's already a huuuuuge focus on alters online, it genuinely annoys me sometimes. I don't view my alters as a huge 'concern' because my concern is in my other symptoms, not alters specifically.

- It's only my business to know of my alters and their actions, I don't want to only ever talk about the silly goofy moments. I can sit here and tell you how X did something hehe haha, but that's not my daily reality. My daily reality isn't these fun moments; it's coping. I cope and deal with dissociation, C-PTSD symptoms, depression. I don't want my own presentation on posts to be those moments. I want to uplift people, I want to complain, I want to let myself be me and part of me are my struggles. I won't sit here and detail every little thing, of course, but my posts are about CDDs, not alter disorder. When I share parts of my life, I don't want to be innacurate to my own personal experiences to 'fit in' with anyone else.

- I rarely proxy in spaces like this because I see it sometimes as irrelevant. If I make a post, do you really need to know which alter wrote said post? I'm Bubblefizz online, that's all you need to know, right? You don't need to know me by any other name. If an alter decides to proxy online or make a sideblog or an account, that's their decision. Just know that here on Bubblef1zz the focus is uplifting and being realistic and putting light on the symptoms outside of alters directly.

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I love alcohol so much. I need it. I don't think i can ever be sober again. I need to be tipsy 24/7. That's the only way I'm fun to be around and the only time I feel more myself without so many worries.

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Being a system is draining and horrible. I don't know which part it is, but I know that one of them has very negative ideas towards children. Fantasising about having a child only to experiment on them and put them through what we went through to see how they would turn out and study all of their reactions. That's obviously extremely unethical and that would never be done.

Trauma survival and healing doesn't always look pretty. And some parts can have these sort of thoughts.

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Anyone who romanticises loneliness or craves to be alone genuinely doesn't know loneliness. Genuinely doesn't know what being alone is. I stand by that.

I know loneliness more than anybody. I have 0 family. No cousins, no uncle, no aunt, no grandparents, no mother, no father, no nothing. I live alone. I don't see anybody. I don't hang out with anyone. I am completely isolated. I know what being alone is, and you don't want it.

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My mother texted me happy birthday.

Just over a month ago she was trying to cancel all of my applications to higher education against my consent. Just over a month ago she was trying to break my phone and grab me. Just over a month ago she was speaking about beating me up to her friend on the phone.

Now that she's reported to the police and I fled her arms, suddenly I'm worthy of a happy birthday?

She never said happy birthday to me before. She never celebrated it. She would even forget it was my birthday. She never bought me gifts.

Now that I've stopped being your son, you tell me happy birthday?

God I fucking hate my birthday.

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shoutout to all high school dropouts, students who didn’t get accepted into college, students who used to be on honor roll but became overwhelmed, students who study for hours but still fail tests, or student who don’t study at all due to depression/anxiety, you are all stars and I’m wishing y'all the best luck possible to get back on your feet

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And another birthday.

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I should have hated you earlier

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idgaf if my parents are disappointed in me I'm not impressed by them either

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so you can't do school? dropped out? flunked out? can't afford it? don't want to? me too!

great news. there are things for us out there. 🫵😌 for you, there are good things.

I am holding your face in my hands with love in my heart. school does not determine your worth.

and if you feel a gaping hole of unfulfillment? great news. there are things you can do for this also.

get a certification.

make art.

do community theatre.

learn to cook.

learn a language.

I don't care. there is something, I promise. I promise. life is still good. you are still good.

there is so much still to love and learn and live. keep moving, keep being alive.

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I've noticed white people are far more active and vocal about their mental illnesses or stresses or problems, while poc tend to be more quiet about it.

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All mentally ill attention seeking ass mfs should die