#loneliness

[support]

Everything okay?

If you or someone you know is struggling, you are not alone. There are many support services that are here to help. For 24/7 peer support and other resources, message KokoBot on Tumblr.

If you are in the United States, please try:

National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or dial 988 or (en Español)

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The National Domestic Violence Hotline or 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Rape Abuse & Incest National Network or 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

S.A.F.E. Alternatives for Stopping Self Abuse or 1–800-DONT-CUT (366–8288)

National Eating Disorders Association

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For more resources, please visit our Counseling & Prevention Resources page for a list of services that may be able to help.

[aikya-kat-44]

This is my life.

I always knew something was off about my friendships. I was told by adults I was overthinking. Then I found out the truth when I was 5.

Because my best friend, after ages giving those subtle signs, finally revealed their dislike of being my friend.

I thought they were the one person I could always count on. I was wrong. I would never quite trust anyone fully again.

Do you know what it's like to watch your mother cry? Believing she is ugly because of her dark skin, wishing she was fair like you. It is heartbreaking. I wanted to take her tears away. I wanted to hug her and never let go. Do you know what it's like to know that your parents are working their butts off to give you a better life than they had, only for you to push away food for no reason even you could explain? Do you know what it's like to cry alone in your room about seemingly nothing?

My teachers hated me for doing things everyone else was supposed to. Because I'm brown and I didn't bring in Indian food for them as a 'gift' every lunchtime. Because I used to point out their mistakes in class when they made them. Because I didn't have to pay attention to succeed in school. Because I didn't pay attention. Because no matter what, I was in the wrong and everyone else was in the right.

So I learned to lie. The people in my life taught me that it wasn't safe to be myself outside, so I wore a mask. One that made me 'good'. One that made me palatable. One that locked away almost all of who I truly was.

I made new friendships that were born to die every time. I learned not to get too attached, to distance myself to avoid hurting others. I got a reputation for being calm and mature for my age. I suppose you could almost call me popular. Except all popular really was was to live surrounded by false friends. But somewhere along the way I made a true friend. One who supported me. One who didn't treat me like I had to earn the right to exist in their social sphere by changing myself to fit in.

I would feel guilty for taking up their time. I would feel like I was using them every time I told them one of my problems. Because I had always been taught I was manipulative and unwanted, so now I believed it.

I almost felt wanted, then. My friends had become family. I belonged.

I suppose my brief happiness was never meant to last. Because one night, someone flicked a switch. We grew up, maybe. Maybe an evil sleep demon whispered in all their ears but mine. But suddenly all my friends were fighting. Everyone seemed to hate everyone else. And, once again, I was no longer welcome.

Alone again, as always.

I moved house. It made things worse.

I hated the new place where I lived. My parents, who had always been the most supportive and loving people in my life, thought I was overreacting (even they'd never understand). All I could do was cry the night away. I felt both too numb and too emotional at the same time.

My new teachers liked me about as much as my old ones had. But I was falling behind in my schoolwork. I had always been good at school without trying, but now, for the first time, I was getting average grades, and I lacked the motivation to even look at a question for more than 1 minute. It was an endless spiral of frustration, confusion and doubt.

High school is, after all, where dreams go to die.

There were people just as homophobic and racist at my new school as at my old one. But there were people who were nice. So nice. I wanted desperately to be friends with them. But I knew I could not, because I had bullied myself into believing I would destroy any connections I made. That I was unworthy of affection. It's like I was cursed to be forever longing, looking from the outside in.

So every time people got close to me, I started acting like the jerk I believed myself to be. Pushing them away before I could hurt them. Before I could be hurt. I could outneurotypical the neurotypicals practically when masking, when I had to make a good impression on someone who I would only know on basic terms, but when it came to trying to forge meaningful bonds I had no words. I couldn't. I had a hundred million words to lie with, but not one that could capture the truth. To make someone understand. All I wanted was for someone to understand. Nobody understands. Everybody seemed to hate me.

That is why when my friend disagrees with me, and screams that I am manipulative and always make things too hard, all I can do is agree with them.

a bottom-tier autistic experience is being told throughout your entire childhood that you are just an overthinker when it comes to social situations and later finding out that your friends did, in fact, hate being around you and tried to communicate that through weird little hints

[oldinterneticons]

[notasadness]

[stutterhug]

A Great Eye

[peachmuffinsquish]

I currently don't have close friends but I have a community and social life which are fairly robust by USA standards. I'm still mildly lonely but these things keep it under control fairly well.

i find the term "male loneliness crisis" kind of galling because like i think its likely that people are lonelier than they used to be but see no reason to think this affects men more than women

[metamorphesque]

Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible. 

Carl Jung, “Memories, Dreams, Reflections”

I am constantly trying to communicate something incommunicable, to explain something inexplicable, to tell about something I only feel in my bones and which can only be experienced in those bones. 

Franz Kafka, “Letters to Milena”

[lostdeepindarkthoughts]

[yellow-lemon-lime]

I'm an immigrant in Finland for almost 2 years (in January) and I have sort of the same experience, but also a bit different I guess(?)

This cut a bit long so apologies: (Can't figure out how to make a cut in a reblog lol) Finns are very reserved and will do their best to not bother other people unless they absolutely have to. And I love that. I love that I can go about my day, maybe do the once-in-a-while greeting, but without having to talk about the weather. I also think Finns' reserved nature ironically makes them more friendly, in that they won't put up a fake smile just to seem friendlier, they have an honest kind of friendliness. But despite living here for almost two years (and getting to the level of Finnish where I can sort of comfortably talk to medical professionels) I don't have any friends here, but I don't think the reason lies with the "cold" nature of Finns. I 100% think the problem is me. I am not a nasty or a pain to be around (people often tell me I'm so friendly and nice and what have you), but I apparently just have this "vibe" about me, that makes me not friend-material. But despite not having any friends here, I have not felt lonely when walking around in stores or being at other everyday places in Finland. Even when I didn't understand anything people said, I still knew they were not being unfriendly or rude. They were just respecting my solitude, as I was respecting theirs. I did start feeling loneliness, but not in Finland itself, but in my current workplace. That place has completely drained my mental health (not to the point of psychosis thankfully) but to the point that I'm on edge every second I'm there. It's at the point for me that when I'm not at work I will specifically avoid anything that reminds me of the workplace. (The one time I went to Gigantti alone, I had driven with my husband's bus, but on the way home I could take 3 other busses, including the one that takes me to my workplace, so I of course picked any bus, but that. And when my contract ends, I will be gone from that place, and people would have to pay me a large amount of money to even make me go to the neighborhood (but then again, my daily commute to work is about 4 hours, so not even a lot of money would make me go there willingly. The thing tho is that most of the people there are not even Finnish, and most often English is the language that will be talked, and I was told that it's a very nice place to be at and everyone is nice to talk to. I don't believe that you have to be bffs with your coworkers (if it happens, then it happens and that's nice) but I the moment I realized that the people there don't like me (they tolerate me and I will stand on this hill until I die) I started counting down till the moment I can leave the place. I do however absolutely like my Finnish class (even though most people there are also not Finnish, apart from the teachers obviously, and the kids) and I'm always having a blast when I'm there, because I'm actually learning something, and unlike my workplace (where every concern is because of work performance and not genuine concern) my Finnish class actually have the approach of being genuine while respectful. And Finland itself is just *chef's kiss* My mental health atm is at the point where I couldn't really give much fucks if I died (the few fucks are for my husband because he just is that wonderful) but my only criteria is, I want to end my days in Finland. My husband also doesn't have many friends here (if any according to him) His workplace did send this Sauna-going invitation out, and I said he should obviously go, but he would "rather stay home with me" which is sweet of him, but also I don't want to hinder him from making friends. Maybe I'll make friends, maybe not. It's not really my concern right now. My biggest goals are to leave my workplace (once the contract expires) Keep working on improving my fertility, join a more intensive Finnish course, take an education in Finnish and hopefully start a family and get Finnish citizenship. If I get friends along the way, that's wonderful, but for now I will gladly accept the reserved respect Finns have, because it is somehow so peaceful.

I think the biggest culture shock I experienced in Finland so far is around friendships, as well as the area where I learned a lot of valuable things about myself. I might not be entirely right about this as I've only been here for a short time, but those are my main take-aways:

(under the cut to not block ur tags w my english rambling)

Trying to build real friendships takes time, much longer than in my home country. It is relatively easy to get in contact with Germans in my experience, especially if you live in a bigger city and speak the language, ESPECIALLY if you are a student and just starting out in a new phase of your life. You will naturally hang out frequently if you match well and spend a lot of time together. It might take a few meetings before people will invite u to their home, but generally there's not much distance as soon as the ice is broken.

Here I feel like people are much slower and more reluctant to open up. But that doesn't equal rejection, it's simply a slower process and you will still be able to tell the difference between being rejected and being on the path of friendship. In Germany, it's usually a lot more fast paced and there is a small window you have to catch to get into tight friendgroups. If you miss it, no chance of ever going back, vibe gone chance gone. Also people who might have found you interesting could lose interest if you wait for too long (meaning usually a month or so) to get back to them.

I actually realized that this way of socializing stresses me tf out. I much prefer a more laid back approach where you can get to know each other without time limitations (of course prerequisite is that you have the time). It is a much more sustainable, thoughtful and respectful approach to someone elses time. You're not treated as disposable, but rather as a person someone actively chooses to get to know.

Likewise, if people feel like they either do not vibe with you or if they already have a very busy social life or life in general, they will let you know and don't pretend to have time or like you. This was quite a new thing to me and felt a bit cold, but I actually really appreciate it now, as it's saving you from stressful, draining interpersonal connections. It also made me respect some people immensely, because they know their own self worth and boundaries quite well.

It made me reflect upon my tendency to be a people pleaser, and the strong yearning I have to treat my own relationships the same way as I've experienced it here. I've grown so tired of superficial connections that are placeholders for true, fulfilling friendships. I used to think being lonely was the worst thing in the world. It kind of is still awful, but what's worse is being surrounded by a bunch of people you don't really click with or can rely on, which leaves you lonely as well. I do think letting go of this is something that will slowly seep over into my own life, as it is so freeing.

I also intend on staying, or rather coming back when I've finished up all my business back in Germany (I am not really rooted to the city I live in). People who I've told about this recent development were very worried if I would be able to be happy in a country that is (generally) much more reserved when it comes to social interaction, as I need social interaction regularly. I don't really think it's that big of an issue, as I think I can balance out people's passive approach with my more active one in the beginning. I have a high social battery, so I'm fine with interacting with a few more people, before people get truly comfortable to hang out on the regular. Yet I also prefer quality interactions over a bunch of small talk meetups I don't care about. I also still have my core friends who I talk to regularly on the phone, and this has been a tradition for years already before I came here.

What I am immensely struggling with right now is trying to make sense of all the connections I made in the past 10 years. This is the 6th city I lived in the last decade, and the 8th move. All my relationships feel so spread out and scattered. I am holding on to some solely because those people were there when I moved somewhere new and I didn't have anyone else. Like back in school, when I was friends with people because they were the only ones there. It's all a bit confusing and painful right now, as my values and perspectives are changing. I think there are a lot of people moving from the friends to acquaintance category right now. I'm completely redefining friendships for me at the moment.

[identitty-dickruption]

four things that are true at the same time:

once you control for things like ethnicity and socio-economic status, “male loneliness” is not statistically more likely than “female loneliness”. in fact, white women are more likely to be lonely than white men — but this is not statistically significant in all studies. particularly note that the loneliness is worst amongst the disabled, regardless of gender

the loneliness felt by black men and queer men (and other men within minority groups) is likely of a different nature than the loneliness felt by other groups, and so probably requires different solutions

we are all lonely at the moment at higher rates than ever before, regardless of identity, and creating conflict about who is loneliest doesn’t help that. in fact, I’d wager that these kinds of debates probably make it worse

if you want people to stop feeling so lonely, you need to work on making them feel less alienated from the world. and a lot of us are doing an awful job at that at the moment

[aqua-regia009]

Jakub Schikaneder (Czech, 1855-1924)

[zanephillips]

Pet Shop Boys - Loneliness (2024)

[365filmsbyauroranocte]

Les Nuits de la pleine lune (Éric Rohmer, 1984)

[flowerytale]

Safia Elhillo, from Alone, Home Is Not a Country

[vroomvroomwee]

Does anyone else feel lonesome?

Not lonely. Not alone. Just... lonesome. Like you don't feel connected to anyone. Like you never feel that you will find anyone that understands you, that will see you truly, let alone someone who will even like you. You see friends everywhere, but you don't see yourself in their place, like that is not for you, like you're not made for that and that's not made for you. You see people having fun and laughing and dancing and getting drunk and falling in love and you just... don't feel that for yourself. Like you're not supposed to have that, like you can't because it's not for you and you're not for it.

Like you're supposed to be seeing all these beautiful things in the world but not experience them yourself. Like you want to experience so much, experience everything, but be overwhelmed by it so you don't do any of it.

Like you want to be everywhere and do everything, but you don't belong anywhere and can't do anything. Like you're not supposed to be here. Not in a self-deprecating way but in an incongruous way. You want to live you want to be alive, but you feel you're not supposed to be. Not here at least, not like this. Just a presence in the world, not an active member of it. Even your body doesn't feel like home, your face isn't a face you recognise, like you're not supposed to have either. Like you're just supposed to be.

Like you're supposed to observe, but not experience.

[retrocausality]

They should invent a human interaction that doesn't feel like chalkboard scraping.