#dc on crack
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fluffy-anna · 7 months ago
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Things i would say if I were friends with Battinson.
No lube, no protection, No proof reading, opened the pencil icon and wrote, don't judge
Basically a fanfic of you (or rather us) being chaotic besties with Battinson.
You; hey you haven't been replying to my texts everything okay?
*Battinson on his 8th (16 hour) Nirvana playlist and not understanding the riddles, as well as hunch backed on the floor with scattered papers and his shirt nowhere to be found*; THE VOICES
You; Alfred YOUR SON HAS RABIES WHAT THE FUCK
*battinson shows up randomly to your doorstep, mascara dripping down his face and a very poor attempt to hide his super hero identity*
Bruce; can I borrow your waterproof mascara
*you, knowing this could range from him listening to songs, to him cosplaying or him actually being the flying rodent*
You; sure...
*bruce who takes too much mascara*
You; fucking bitch-
You, over radio: Testing. Testing. Bruce , can you hear me?
Bruce , standing next to You: I’m standing right here.
You: You’re coming through good and loud.
Bruce : ‘Cause I’m standing right here.
Bruce : You tricked me!
You: I deceived you. ‘Trick’ makes it sound like we have a friendly relationship.
*bruce gets the wrong order and doesn't want to bother the servers*
*you and equal mess but strong for him*
*both talking in tiny*
You;he asked for no pickles
*both nearly dying*
Bruce : I actually have a black belt.
You: In what, karate?
Bruce : No, from Gucci.
You : Can you keep a secret?
Bruce: Do you know anything about my life?
You : you literally tell half of it on accident, and the other half isn't that hard to guess. answer the fucking question bitc-
Bruce : Do you take constructive criticism?
You: I only take cash or credit.
Bruce : You saved me. I owe you my life.
You: No thanks. I’ve seen it and I’m not very impressed
*A paparazzi called bruce rude things, and started harassing the socially awkward lanky boy.*
Bruce : Violence isn't the answer.
You: You’re right.
Bruce : *sighs in relief*
You: Violence is the question.
Bruce : What?
You, bolting away: And the answer is yes.
Bruce , running after them: NO-
*you who's chasing the reporter with a plastic knife and a scream that could kill black Canary*
I don't know this is all I can think of randomly, please reblog more ideas would love to write a shitpost fix with Battinson x civilian bestie reader!
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fanaticalthings · 4 months ago
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Bruce Wayne except he texts like an ominous boomer
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wdym you can't tell if he's threatening them?
Based on this post by @mysterycitrus :)
<- Prev Masterlist Next ->
Bonus:
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Happy birthday, Tim 🥰
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incorrectbatfam · 2 months ago
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Alfred gets sick of Bruce breaking and losing stuff on patrol so he gets a label maker and starts naming items after the kids
Alfred: I got you a new phone, just like you asked. Its name is Jason. Try not to let it die.
Bruce, tearing up: Why would you say that—
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strange-birb · 6 months ago
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Some Wayne gala fits for the boys! I saw something similar by @fallen-jpg and wanted to do some of my own lol
Ps… I’m not good with backgrounds lol and I made Damian much older cause I didn’t want to draw a kid …
Part 2 !!!
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everwalldigan · 5 days ago
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Hear me out: Robin Dick would be the biggest Bruceman supporter and shipper.
This boy hates any of Bruce’s love interest with a passion because then his dad guardian spends less time with him and that’s obviously UNACCEPTABLE, SCANDALOUS even, so when rumours start circulating that Bruce Wayne is in a relationship with the Batman, he jumps right on the wagon.
Reporter, thirsty for a story: Mr Grayson what do you think about the rumours that Bruce Wayne is dating the Batman?
Dick: What do I think about my dads you mean? My very married very taken dads? My very faithful to each other plural dads?
He would fuel the rumours both as Robin and as Dick Grayson, punching criminals for talking bad about Wayne enterprises as Robin (“THAT’S MY STEPDADS COMPANY YOURE TALKING ABOUT!”). He would be on online forums all day talking about how Bruceman is the only Batman ship that makes sense and Doxxing people who disagree.
Bruce is so exasperated because this is happening at a time where only Alfred and Dick know his real identity so he can’t even do anything with ANYONE without making either Bruce Wayne or Batman look unfaithful.
Throw Reporter Clark Kent into the mix who has been sent to scope out the Bruceman story, who Bruce makes the mistake of flirting with at a gala. Both Clark AND dick are scandalised.
Dick, making a scene: HOW COULD YOU! BATMAN IS WAITING FOR YOU AT HOME AND YOURE HERE FLIRTING WITH SOME… SOME REPORTER??
Bruce, sighing: Dick-
Dick, tugging on Bruce’s suit and looking up at him with fake tears in his eyes: Dad, are you and dad getting a divorce? :(
Clark, panicking: NO NO THEYRE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE PLEASE DONT CRY
Meanwhile:
Bruce, crying in the corner: he called me dad
He would even go as far as insisting that Robin is his step sibling
Principal: how do you explain that whenever Robin is injured, Dick fails to show up at school the next day?
Dick: Robin and I are twins :) so when he’s injured I’m injured too and we have to stay home together!!
Bruce, whispering: I’m sorry, they’re not really twins but neither I or Bats have the heart to tell hem
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jinjeriffic · 2 months ago
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DCxDP - Death and Taxes
Broke college student but also the Ghost King Danny looking at the stack of complaint forms in his inbox about people cheating death. In a stroke of sleep deprived inspiration, he issues a royal decree that anyone who has properly died before (I.e biologically dead, not just clinically dead) is still a citizen of the Infinite Realms, even if they were resurrected. And have to pay income tax to the Crown.
He establishes the Infinite Realms Revenue Service, recruits the ghosts of some meticulous accountants and sends them after all the assholes who think they can escape Death and Taxes. Starting with the worst offenders (ie those who have escaped death the longest/most often). Your tax bracket scales with how many times you died.
Just picture Ra's al-Ghul, in the middle of giving some speech to his assassin cult when this Phil Coulson looking ghost dude shows up behind him to "discuss the back taxes he owes to the Crown".
Every magic user worth their salt is suddenly swamped with messages from panicked villains and heroes who are trying to figure out wtf is going on and how to get out of this. Constantine is sweating bullets.
Danny hires Valerie to do mortal side "casework", because a, she's just as saddled with student debt as he is b, has worked fast food and knows how to handle asshole customers c, doesn't take shit from anybody.
Imagine Vandal Savage, Felix Faust and Red Hood awkwardly sitting in a waiting room with a stack of documents each, ready for their number to be called so they can dispute their claims. Being called in and utterly flummoxed at the unflappable, bored young woman at the desk who somehow has files on everything about you - birth record, death record(s), who you killed and when records... now declare your income as a crime lord/dictator/sorcerer, sir.
Meanwhile Danny is planning on how he can allocate the taxes to open a soup kitchen for Lunch Lady to work at and similar shit. He is determined to be a good king, dammit!
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kaidatheghostdragon · 6 months ago
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Found this while going through my fanfic files, and i absolutely had to share.
Danny: i want in
Red robin: …what?
Danny: your bat family. I want in.
Red robin, blinking in surprise: i dont know what you think you know about my associates, but we're not-
Danny: dont be obtuse. I know youre the smart one. And i also know that your all one big relatively happy family. I want in.
Red robin: …why?
Danny: because you guys are the first people ive found that are wealthy, intelligent and powerful enough to take on my fruitloop godfather and win AND are decent enough human beings that i can be assured that when all is said and done, my well-being will remain a top priority.
Orphan, appearing out of nowhere: new brother!
Danny: *stares in shock*
Danny: *sudden uncanny grin* well that's one convinced. How do i win over the rest?
Orphan: no need. New brother!
Red robin: *pointed glance of betrayal* fine. Who is your godfather?
Danny: vlad masters. He's a fruitloop.
Red robin: for real? B's been investigating him for years! Tell me everything! *genuinely excited for a new lead*
Danny: well, he's tried to murder my dad and marry my mom, gained his wealth illegally, committed voting fraud to become the mayor of my hometown, has a secret underground lab where he does unethical experiments, and he's abducted me more than a dozen times even before my parents disowned me to make me his evil apprentice or whatever. Now that im homeless, he's literally out to get me. Oh! And he's cloned me too! She's cool though, we're buddies now.
Batman, who just arrived but heard everything over comms: hn. (Translation: who are you?)
Danny: my name is Danny. No last name anymore, but im hoping itll soon be Wayne! *winking suggestively*
Batman: hn? (how much do you know?)
Danny: enough to know that youre a much better alternative to vlad.
Batman: …hn (i dont know anything about you. What if youre a spy for vlad?)
Danny, giving his salesman pitch: i was a teen vigilante in amity park before i had to run away from home for my own safety. Vlad is one of my rogues. I know how to fight and defend myself, how to minimize collateral damage in a fight, and ive gotten really good and escaping kidnapping attempts. Ive also managed to reform and/or make allies out of approximately half of my rogues and can talk down about 30% of all rogue confrontations before they turn into a messy fight. The other things i can bring to the table are: one, i can teach all of you guys proper liminality self care; two, i can probably minimize and possibly cure red hood's anger issues; three, i can get along with stabby robin because i consider fighting a friendly social interaction - he can even stab me and i wont be injured by it; four, i can be your go-to guy for supernatural cases so you no longer have to deal with that sad trenchcoat man; five-
Red robin: *blurting* youre hired.
Batman: hn (i am deeply concerned)
Danny: if youre concerned now, wait until i tell you about the anti ecto control act
Nightwing, who showed up in the middle of the sales pitch: ive never seen anyone crack B's grunt language so quickly
Danny: grunt language? He's just using ghost speak - which will be covered by the liminality self care lessons
Robin, who arrived with batman: what is a liminal?
Danny: all of you, of course! Otherwise you wouldnt need to learn about it, obviously
Robin: and why would we trust you?
Danny: did i mention i have a pet ghost dog?
Robin: …you drive a hard bargain
Danny, fist pumping: yes! That's three!
Nightwing: four, you got me when you could understand B's grunting
Red Hood, arrived with nightwing: five, assuming you arent lying about the pit rage
Danny, hand to his chest: i would never!
Orphan: honesty. Earnest. New brother.
Oracle, over comms: six. The anti ecto acts are legit and im terrified for his safety, assuming he's phantom, who is the vigilante of amity park
Spoiler, arrived with orphan: seven, as long as youre down for a few pranks
Batman: hn (ive been outvoted)
Batman: hnn (i dont wanna hear any jokes about adoption habits when you all forced my hand)
Batman: hn (that said)
Batman: welcome to the family
Duke, the next day: man, i miss out on everything exciting.
Duke, blinded by danny: and who the fuck told bruce he could adopt the fucking sun?!
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batsyheere · 20 days ago
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"So, handling your archnemesis," Danny starts. The room falls quiet, heads slowly turning to look at the man as he writes the words on the chalkboard. When finished, the characters somehow both messy and neat at once, Danny places the chalk back down and claps his hands.
"I typically call them fruitloops. Often they're in a better position than you are- older, richer, more powerful. They may have some sort of status that protects them when facing the public."
Tim wondered where Dick was right now, and if he was laughing. His brain was lagging like a computer as he tried to process what Danny was saying, and how seriously a few of his fellow teen vigilantes were taking this.
"Some of their more common tactics are-" the chalk was picked back up, and Danny writes as he speaks.
"Manipulation, isolation, conditioning, and empathy."
MICE.
Tim stares at the board, and quietly slips put his phone.
-What have I done to deserve this.
Enjoy your lessons Tim-
His head thumps against the desk. Conner leans over, gives him a pat on the shoulder but returns to taking notes as Danny goes on to explain the conditioning tactic.
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bet-on-me-13 · 7 months ago
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The Summoner
So! Danny is not the Ghost King.
But he still has a good relationship with a LOT of Powerful and not-so-powerful Ghosts in the Zone. So much so that they have given him their Summoning Circle's with a blanket permission to Summon them any time. Not like they have much else going on...
This all leads to a hilarious situation where Danny can't use his Powers for whatever reason and is forced to Summon his friends for help. In front of a group of Heroes.
He has to explain everything to them, but accidentally convinces them that he has Summoning Magic and the Ghosts are all on his Contract. He also mentions Saving people from Ghosts and the JLA realize that he is a child Hero.
They ask him if he wants to join Young Justice, and Danny hesitantly agrees.
Now Danny is on Young Justice and the entire team thinks that he is a Hero with Ghost Summoning Magic.
And his name isn't Daniel "Commit to the Bit" Fenton for no reason.
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randomfandomisuppose · 1 month ago
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I just had a DPxDC crossover idea that I thought was funny.
What if every time John Constantine sold his soul he was basically agreeing to being “adopted” by the entity he was selling his soul to.
He thinks all of the entities he sold his soul to are leaving him alone because they’re too busy fighting/have a truce to not fight as long as none of them claim his soul, meanwhile he’s got like a dozen or so ghost/demon parents ready to go to court to fight for custody when he finally dies.
Danny, having been taken in as a ward by an older ghost since he technically counts as a baby ghost until he’s 100 or something, meets Constantine for the first time and is like: “Why are you 1/15th my brother?”
Bonus points if Danny is technically the big brother in ghost terms because he’s been a ghost the longest. Sure Constantine may be a little liminal but that doesn’t count he doesn’t even have a death day yet.
Like:
Danny (Certified little shit): “Baby brother why do you never come to dinner? :(”
Constantine, too sober for this: “The fuck did you just call me?”
Constantine vehemently denies any relation but they bicker like siblings.
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spite-and-waffles · 8 days ago
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(alt included)
Link to Video. (Please help Panda make money.)
Video description and transcript under the cut.
Description: TikTok video by The Panda Redd. Re-enactment of final scene of Under the Hood. All roles played by Panda (a tall, well-built young white man with a mohawk, wearing a grey hoodie). Setting is a dark basement lit only by a hanging light bulb.
Transcript.
Jason: (holding gun on Bruce) "Bruce, I forgive you for not saving me."
Batman: (glares silently)
Jason: "But why? Why on God's Earth—" (hits Joker across the face)
Joker (tied to a chair): *cackles*
Jason: "—is HE still alive??"
Joker: "AHAHAHAHAHHAHA!"
Batman:
Batman: "I'm sorry, d'you want me to be serious here or—?"
Jason: (in disbelief) "YES, Bruce! I want you to be serious right now! If he had done what he did to me to you, I would've done nothing but search the earth for this pile of death-worshiping garbage!"
Joker: "I love you too, Sugar Plum."
Batman: (holds hands up) "Okay, yeah, I get that, totally, I get that. Um. Have you tried?"
Jason: "Excuse you?"
Batman: "Have you tried to kill him yet?"
Jason: (to Joker) "Is he being serious?"
Joker: (also confused) "I'm gonna be honest with you, Junior. I don't know."
Jason: "Got it. Great." (turns back to Batman) "What the fuck does THAT mean?"
Batman: "Okay, so no, you haven't. Cool. Do it."
Jason:
Jason: (lowers gun) "What."
Batman: "Do it, cap his ass. Shoot him."
Joker: "I'm gonna go with Junior here, and say...what?"
Jason: "You want me to shoot him?"
Batman: "I want someone to shoot him! Give me the gun, I'll do it!"
Jason: (mutters, brain blue screening) "What is going on right now? This should a lot harder than it is."
Batman: "C'mon, son! You decapitated like eleven people three days ago! Fuckin' do it!"
Jason: "There, you happy? Jesus. Was that so hard? All of this time and it was THAT easy!"
Joker: (turns to Jason quizzically) "This has gotta be some sort of test, ri—"
(BANG! Jason fires. Joker lands on the floor lifeless, eyes still open.)
Batman: "I don't know what you're talking about "easy". There's nothing there." (nods at floor)
Jason: "What the fuck is that supposed to—" (looks down at floor where the Joker was lying)
Floor: (is devoid of Joker)
Jason: (stares)
Floor: (continues to be sans anything but carpet)
Jason: "What the fuck?"
Batman: "Yeah."
Jason: "WHAT THE FUCK?"
Batman: "Take as long as you need with this."
Jason: (looking around frantically) "I just shot him! He hit the floor! What the f—"
Floor: (is just vibin')
Jason: "Where the fuck did he go??"
Batman: "See that shit? That shit right there happens every fucking time!"
Jason: "There's not even a blood stain! It's just gone!"
Batman: "Yeah, like two days after you died, I chased him into a helicopter where he got shot like six times. The helicopter exploded and crashed into the ocean. And his body was gone before Superman could find it."
Jason: "Oh my God. I don't understand how this is even fucking possible!"
Batman: "He's like a cryptid! I don't fucking get it!"
Joker: (disembodied laughter) "AHAHAHAHA HAHAHA!"
Jason: (freaked out, turning in circles trying to find him) "Oh my God!"
Batman: "THAT OMINOUS SHIT HAPPENS TOO! I DON'T KNOW, DUDE!"
Jason: "Dude. Fuck whatever's going on here, that's some fucking bullshit."
Batman: "Thank you! Finally someone gets it!"
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fanaticalthings · 1 month ago
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Jason Todd with his goons:
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incorrectbatfam · 8 months ago
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Bruce is constantly asking the kids what they like to eat so he can freeze dry their favorites into oblivion as apocalypse rations
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flamingpudding · 4 months ago
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Little Snippets #1
"Father, please do not scare the children."
"FATHER?"
Alfred let out a sigh at the children's reaction as well as his own fathers sheepish laugh as the man scratched the back of his head. Once more he couldn't help but marvel at how young his own father looked. But then again the fact that his father was by now a timeless being and rule of an entire realm likely contributed to it. He glanced at the still shell shocked children and stoic Bruce, a part of him took a bit of pleasure in their shock.
"Master Bruce, may I introduce to you my father." Alfred hummed indicating to the floating man with blazing white hair and glowing green eyes in regal clothing, well aside from the damned jumpsuit his own mother had never refrained from complaining about.
"Daniel James Fenton." The butler continued eyes crinkling with a smile as he watched his charges. "Ruler of the Infinite Realms."
"Just Danny is fine. Honestly it must be your mothers influence with how formal you turned out Al..." The man, Danny added reaching a hand out to ruffle Alfred's hair that Alfred sidestepped. Not because he didn't like his fathers show of affection, no because he had appearance to uphold and he didn't need to shock the children any more than he already had.
"T-that must be a joke, right Alfie...?" Jason spoke up being the first one to regain his ability to speak coherently.
"I am afraid not Master Jason. This man is indeed my father." Alfred hummed amused, he would think that with their near daily dealings with villains, aliens, supernatural and other beings they would be less shocked. But as it seemed his family didn't seem able to warp their heads around this. Surely they must have suspected some sort of supernatural connection to him, after all how do they think he was able to keep the entire Manor as clean as it is? He had his pocketwatch from his grandfather as his secret weapon after all.
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strange-birb · 4 months ago
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Here are my favorite ladies!!! This is a continuation of the other batboys dressed for a gala inspired by @fallen-jpg
Part 1
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der-schweizer · 1 month ago
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There's my portal
As i said on @bet-on-me-13 'Where is my portal' post, here is my short about their idea. please enjoy.
Danny sipped his coffee, slowly shuffling towards his lab. It had been a long time since he had a ‘run on two coffees and some ecto’ weekend but here he was, Monday morning, on his way to work.
He really wanted to be in bed but he had bills to pay.
Quietly he shuffled into his lab, which he found oddly drafty and oddly bright, considering he hadn’t turned on the lights yet. After flicking them on he moved on towards his desk, passing a big gaping hole in the wall and—
Danny paused, shuffled backwards a bit and then looked at the place where his portal used to be. For a long moment he just looked, then did a slow blink and took another sip of coffee.
After making sure that his portal, including parts of the wall, were really gone, he let out a sigh and held his face. “Who the fuck stole my door?”
With a sigh he pushed his bangs out of his face and walked to his PC, to check the security footage of his Cameras. For once it wasn’t Vlad who stole his shit, Vlad at least had the courtesy to leave a note that he ‘borrowed’ something. It was safe to say that he was surprised to find the footage gone. There weren't many people that could hack through Tucker's programing.
Danny sat there, looking at the black screen of his PC for a long moment before thinking aloud. “Okay, we have one or more people who can; One, break through Tuckers firewalls. Two, physically move a portal weighing around ten tons and, Three, knows their way around Arcane Runes so as to not cause a mass ghost invasion.”
He thought about it for a minute before throwing his hands up. “Fuck this, I’m just going to use the other side to find it.” He got out of his chair before transforming. 
Danny focused his power into one of his fingers before poking the air in front of him, the tip of it pierced the fabric of space which he then used to rip it open. He quickly flew through the tear before it sealed again. Despite Wulf teaching him how to do it he still sucked at it, which was the main reason he built his portal.
Once in the Zone he looked around for it. He found it after over two hours of searching, which only served to piss him off to the point where he began muttering curses under his breath.
Standing in front of it, he gave it a quick inspection. After inspecting the Runes, Danny had to admit that, whoever had stolen it, knew his way around them. They pretty much locked out anyone not authorized and or approved by the Caster. Too bad for them, Danny had the ‘Masterkey’ and went through anyway.
John Constantine was holding his face, quietly counting to ten. Neither smoking nor drinking would help in this situation. After reaching fifty he ran his hands over his head, looking at the assembled brigade of idiots in front of him.
“Okay, let me get this straight.” He started, “You,” he pointed at Batman, “found an ‘unknown energy signature’ and went to investigate. Then you found a high security lab with had an active portal to ‘who knows where’ and your first decision was to fucking steal it?!?!”
Superman moved forward, opening his mouth to counter but Constantine didn't let him. “AND you moron helped him steal it, not to mention you!” he pointed at flash, “Help install it here, in the watchtower, without telling anyone from JLD about it?”
Flash looked a bit sheepish at him. “Well, in my defense I didn’t know it was stolen.”
Constantine wanted to bash his head against the next closest bulkhead, maybe that would help.
“Okay, okay.” Constantine facepalmed, trying to stop the aneurysm from building up more.
A deep chill suddenly filled the air and sent goosebumps all over his back, “Oh this is just getting better and better.” Constantine reached into his pocket for a warding charm, before turning around and swearing. He stopped swearing when he saw who had come through. “Oh, hey Phantom.”
“Constantine, why the fuck did you steal my portal?” Danny wasn’t even pissed anymore. He knew the English drunktard too well to blame him. Granted he was obnoxious, didn’t pay back his debt and came whenever it suited him, but Danny liked the man. He didn’t exasperate problems and always did what was necessary.
“Look, I didn’t.” He then threw a thumb over his shoulder, “Those morons did.”
“Constantine, do you know this entity?” Batman already looked on high alert.
“Excuse you! I have a name. And that is my Portal. Explain why it isn't where it is supposed to be.”
“The sensors of the Watchtower found an unknown energy signature, upon investigation we found an unsecured pathway to a different dimension, so we secured it.”
Danny stared at Batman for a solid minute, then simply said, “Oh I'm going to sue your ass so hard your grandkids will feel it.”
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