#dc on crack

[fluffy-anna]

Things i would say if I were friends with Battinson.

No lube, no protection, No proof reading, opened the pencil icon and wrote, don't judge

Basically a fanfic of you (or rather us) being chaotic besties with Battinson.

You; hey you haven't been replying to my texts everything okay?

*Battinson on his 8th (16 hour) Nirvana playlist and not understanding the riddles, as well as hunch backed on the floor with scattered papers and his shirt nowhere to be found*; THE VOICES

You; Alfred YOUR SON HAS RABIES WHAT THE FUCK

*battinson shows up randomly to your doorstep, mascara dripping down his face and a very poor attempt to hide his super hero identity*

Bruce; can I borrow your waterproof mascara

*you, knowing this could range from him listening to songs, to him cosplaying or him actually being the flying rodent*

You; sure...

*bruce who takes too much mascara*

You; fucking bitch-

You, over radio: Testing. Testing. Bruce , can you hear me?

Bruce , standing next to You: I’m standing right here.

You: You’re coming through good and loud.

Bruce : ‘Cause I’m standing right here.

Bruce : You tricked me!

You: I deceived you. ‘Trick’ makes it sound like we have a friendly relationship.

*bruce gets the wrong order and doesn't want to bother the servers*

*you and equal mess but strong for him*

*both talking in tiny*

You;he asked for no pickles

*both nearly dying*

Bruce : I actually have a black belt.

You: In what, karate?

Bruce : No, from Gucci.

You : Can you keep a secret?

Bruce: Do you know anything about my life?

You : you literally tell half of it on accident, and the other half isn't that hard to guess. answer the fucking question bitc-

Bruce : Do you take constructive criticism?

You: I only take cash or credit.

Bruce : You saved me. I owe you my life.

You: No thanks. I’ve seen it and I’m not very impressed

*A paparazzi called bruce rude things, and started harassing the socially awkward lanky boy.*

Bruce : Violence isn't the answer.

You: You’re right.

Bruce : *sighs in relief*

You: Violence is the question.

Bruce : What?

You, bolting away: And the answer is yes.

Bruce , running after them: NO-

*you who's chasing the reporter with a plastic knife and a scream that could kill black Canary*

I don't know this is all I can think of randomly, please reblog more ideas would love to write a shitpost fix with Battinson x civilian bestie reader!

[fanaticalthings]

Bruce Wayne except he texts like an ominous boomer

wdym you can't tell if he's threatening them?

Based on this post by @mysterycitrus :)

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Bonus:

Happy birthday, Tim 🥰

[strange-birb]

Some Wayne gala fits for the boys! I saw something similar by @fallen-jpg and wanted to do some of my own lol

Ps… I’m not good with backgrounds lol and I made Damian much older cause I didn’t want to draw a kid …

Part 2 !!!

[everwalldigan]

Hear me out: Robin Dick would be the biggest Bruceman supporter and shipper.

This boy hates any of Bruce’s love interest with a passion because then his dad guardian spends less time with him and that’s obviously UNACCEPTABLE, SCANDALOUS even, so when rumours start circulating that Bruce Wayne is in a relationship with the Batman, he jumps right on the wagon.

Reporter, thirsty for a story: Mr Grayson what do you think about the rumours that Bruce Wayne is dating the Batman?

Dick: What do I think about my dads you mean? My very married very taken dads? My very faithful to each other plural dads?

He would fuel the rumours both as Robin and as Dick Grayson, punching criminals for talking bad about Wayne enterprises as Robin (“THAT’S MY STEPDADS COMPANY YOURE TALKING ABOUT!”). He would be on online forums all day talking about how Bruceman is the only Batman ship that makes sense and Doxxing people who disagree.

Bruce is so exasperated because this is happening at a time where only Alfred and Dick know his real identity so he can’t even do anything with ANYONE without making either Bruce Wayne or Batman look unfaithful.

Throw Reporter Clark Kent into the mix who has been sent to scope out the Bruceman story, who Bruce makes the mistake of flirting with at a gala. Both Clark AND dick are scandalised.

Dick, making a scene: HOW COULD YOU! BATMAN IS WAITING FOR YOU AT HOME AND YOURE HERE FLIRTING WITH SOME… SOME REPORTER??

Bruce, sighing: Dick-

Dick, tugging on Bruce’s suit and looking up at him with fake tears in his eyes: Dad, are you and dad getting a divorce? :(

Clark, panicking: NO NO THEYRE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE PLEASE DONT CRY

Meanwhile:

Bruce, crying in the corner: he called me dad

He would even go as far as insisting that Robin is his step sibling

Principal: how do you explain that whenever Robin is injured, Dick fails to show up at school the next day?

Dick: Robin and I are twins :) so when he’s injured I’m injured too and we have to stay home together!!

Bruce, whispering: I’m sorry, they’re not really twins but neither I or Bats have the heart to tell hem

[incorrectbatfam]

Alfred gets sick of Bruce breaking and losing stuff on patrol so he gets a label maker and starts naming items after the kids

Alfred: I got you a new phone, just like you asked. Its name is Jason. Try not to let it die.

Bruce, tearing up: Why would you say that—

[arkangelo-7]

Lex Luthor hates Superman, Lex Luthor hates the Justice League, bla bla bla… You know who Lex must really hate? Bruce Wayne.

Because he knows that bitch is Batman. He’d worked it through that big brain of his and he’s without a doubt certain that the same idiot who spilled champagne on him last New Year’s Eve moonlights as the Batman.

But he can’t fucking prove it. So he’s resigned to a lifetime of having to make stilted conversation filled with double meaning while Brucie just flutters his eyelashes and pretends to be a ditz. And Lex just has to sit there and take it, because Bruce knows that Lex knows and absolutely uses that knowledge to fuck with Alex at every opportunity—he says the absolute shittest, godawful pickup lines and flirts to his heart’s content, knowing full well that he helped Superman kick Lex’s ass last week and that Lex knows it was him.

[anyknotrants]

-in tha Batcave, the whole fam is there, training, working on a case or doing other shit-

*Bab's phone starts ringing*

Babs: *picks it up* oh hey Wally..... yeah he's here.... did he now?...... give me a minute

Babs, shouting: hey Dick|! Didn't you have plans for tonight?

Dick, hanging from a trapeze: ... not that I... know of?

Babs: oh really? *smirks and waves her phone* so I can just go and tell your boyfriend you're canceling your date?

Batfam: *stops what their doing* ??!??

Dick: *eyes widen* shit!

Dick: *jumps down and takes of to the door upstairs* I'll be right there! Keep him on the phone till then!

Babs: *cuckles and brings the phone back to her ear* do you beliave it?.... yeah, yeah....

Babs: *starts rolling towars the elevator* well, he put he in charge of keeping you company, so tell me....

*and she's off as well*

Batfam: .....

Tim: I didn't just halucinated that, right? She did say Dick has a boyfriend

Jason: you heard that too? Thanks fuck, I thought I was going crazy

Setph: you already are

Bruce.exe stopped working

[olailamajnoon]

Dick, on the phone: *leans away* Clark says hi, guys.

Tim: Hi!

Jason: Hi.

Cassandra: Hi.

Stephanie: Hi.

Duke: Hi!

Damian: Hi.

Dick, on the phone: Clark they all say hi back.

Bruce to himself, so done: Truly a pinnacle of human communication. I say something they ignore me, but it's all 'hi' like synchronized idiots when it comes to Clark.

Clark, faintly audible: Bruce I heard that.

[eatzyuu]

silly little headcanon that, as Robin, each of the Batboys were trained to go limp when being lifted from areas of danger, sort of like how kittens go limp when mother cats grab the scruff of their neck. it just makes so it’s easier for Batman to grab the little Robin from a particularly dangerous area.

i imagine that, even after his Robin days, Nightwing still has going limp trained into him. one time, when he and Starfire were in a particularly dangerous battle and cornered by a cliff edge, Starfire grabs hold of him and he just limp. Starfire assumes something has happened to him and panics, but finds that Nightwing is fine. he’s a bit embarrassed, seeing that he still has his Robin training instilled deeply within him somewhere.

but where it gets even funnier is with Jason. as Robin, it’s always a little cute to see Batman grab him by the scruff of his neck and to see the small child go limp and get carried off into safety. but when Batman and Red Hood get into disagreements during the rare missions that they do come together to take down a common threat, seeing a grown, 6’0” man going limp and then realizing he did so is miraculously laughable. Tim doesn’t let him forget about his Robin habits only to get grabbed and go limp as well.

[jinjeriffic]

DCxDP - Death and Taxes

Broke college student but also the Ghost King Danny looking at the stack of complaint forms in his inbox about people cheating death. In a stroke of sleep deprived inspiration, he issues a royal decree that anyone who has properly died before (I.e biologically dead, not just clinically dead) is still a citizen of the Infinite Realms, even if they were resurrected. And have to pay income tax to the Crown.

He establishes the Infinite Realms Revenue Service, recruits the ghosts of some meticulous accountants and sends them after all the assholes who think they can escape Death and Taxes. Starting with the worst offenders (ie those who have escaped death the longest/most often). Your tax bracket scales with how many times you died.

Just picture Ra's al-Ghul, in the middle of giving some speech to his assassin cult when this Phil Coulson looking ghost dude shows up behind him to "discuss the back taxes he owes to the Crown".

Every magic user worth their salt is suddenly swamped with messages from panicked villains and heroes who are trying to figure out wtf is going on and how to get out of this. Constantine is sweating bullets.

Danny hires Valerie to do mortal side "casework", because a, she's just as saddled with student debt as he is b, has worked fast food and knows how to handle asshole customers c, doesn't take shit from anybody.

Imagine Vandal Savage, Felix Faust and Red Hood awkwardly sitting in a waiting room with a stack of documents each, ready for their number to be called so they can dispute their claims. Being called in and utterly flummoxed at the unflappable, bored young woman at the desk who somehow has files on everything about you - birth record, death record(s), who you killed and when records... now declare your income as a crime lord/dictator/sorcerer, sir.

Meanwhile Danny is planning on how he can allocate the taxes to open a soup kitchen for Lunch Lady to work at and similar shit. He is determined to be a good king, dammit!

[spite-and-waffles]

(alt included)

Link to Video. (Please help Panda make money.)

Video description and transcript under the cut.

Description: TikTok video by The Panda Redd. Re-enactment of final scene of Under the Hood. All roles played by Panda (a tall, well-built young white man with a mohawk, wearing a grey hoodie). Setting is a dark basement lit only by a hanging light bulb.

Transcript.

Jason: (holding gun on Bruce) "Bruce, I forgive you for not saving me."

Batman: (glares silently)

Jason: "But why? Why on God's Earth—" (hits Joker across the face)

Joker (tied to a chair): *cackles*

Jason: "—is HE still alive??"

Joker: "AHAHAHAHAHHAHA!"

Batman:

Batman: "I'm sorry, d'you want me to be serious here or—?"

Jason: (in disbelief) "YES, Bruce! I want you to be serious right now! If he had done what he did to me to you, I would've done nothing but search the earth for this pile of death-worshipping garbage!"

Joker: "I love you too, Sugar Plum."

Batman: (holds hands up) "Okay, yeah, I get that, totally, I get that. Um. Have you tried?"

Jason: "Excuse you?"

Batman: "Have you tried to kill him yet?"

Jason: (to Joker) "Is he being serious?"

Joker: (also confused) "I'm gonna be honest with you, Junior. I don't know."

Jason: "Got it. Great." (turns back to Batman) "What the fuck does THAT mean?"

Batman: "Okay, so no, you haven't. Cool. Do it."

Jason:

Jason: (lowers gun) "What."

Batman: "Do it, cap his ass. Shoot him."

Joker: (finally rattled) "I'm gonna go with Junior here, and say...what??"

Jason: "You want me to shoot him?"

Batman: "I want someone to shoot him! Give me the gun, I'll do it!"

Jason: (mutters, brain blue screening) "What is going on right now? This should a lot harder than it is."

Batman: "C'mon, son! You decapitated like eleven people three days ago! Fuckin' do it!"

Joker: (turns to Jason quizzically) "This has gotta be some sort of test, ri—"

(BANG! Jason fires. Joker lands on the floor lifeless, eyes still open.)

Jason: "There, you happy? Jesus. Was that so hard? All of this time and it was THAT easy!"

Jason: "What the fuck is that supposed to—" (looks down at floor where the Joker was lying)

Batman: "I don't know what you're talking about 'easy'. There's nothing there." (nods at floor)

Floor: (is devoid of Joker)

Jason: (stares)

Floor: (continues to be sans anything but carpet)

Jason: "What the fuck?"

Batman: "Yeah."

Jason: "WHAT THE FUCK?"

Batman: "Take as long as you need with this."

Jason: (looking around frantically) "I just shot him! He hit the floor! What the f—" (turns back to the floor)

Floor: (is just vibin')

Jason: "Where the fuck did he go??"

Batman: "See that shit? That shit right there happens every fucking time!"

Jason: "There's not even a blood stain! It's just gone!"

Batman: "Yeah, like two days after you died, I chased him into a helicopter where he got shot like six times. The helicopter exploded and crashed into the ocean. And his body was gone before Superman could find it."

Jason: "Oh my God. I don't understand how this is even fucking possible!"

Batman: "He's like a cryptid! I don't fucking get it!"

Joker: (disembodied laughter) "AHAHAHAHA HAHAHA!"

Jason: (freaked out, turning in circles trying to find him) "Oh my God!"

Batman: "THAT OMINOUS SHIT HAPPENS TOO! I DON'T KNOW, DUDE!"

Jason: "Dude. Fuck whatever's going on here, that's some fucking bullshit."

Batman: "Thank you! Finally someone gets it!"

[fanaticalthings]

Jason Todd with his goons:

[moneypriestess]

Gothamites love the newest edition to the Wayne family.

Even though Danny comes from a small town he acts more like a true gothamite than some kids that grew up in Gotham.

Most of the Wayne children come from the streets, yet only Danny acts like he still remembers it. It's been at least a year since he was officially adopted. If you don't count the 6 months he was fostered by Bruce Wayne, usually after that amount of time passed the child should have become all rich kid polite and shit.

everyone remembers when dick was first adopted, yes, he was still Roudy after the first year but all that wild crazy energy he had was zapped by his full belly and silk pillows. Then there was Jason Todd, and before his unfortunate passing, he too had lost that wild energy that the streets bred.

next was Tim who didn't really count because he was a rich kid that got adopted to be an even richer kid.

then Cass and Damian just appeared out of nowhere and instead of the crazy gothamite energy the first two had, they had this calm crazy energy instead, that kind of mellowed out as the years passed.

Yet Danny stayed the same, in fact, all gothamites fondly remember just last week when they watched the news to see Danny bite the hand of a journalist that tried to touch him without permission.

yes, all the true gothamites loved the newest edition to the Wayne family.

[kaidatheghostdragon]

Found this while going through my fanfic files, and i absolutely had to share.

Danny: i want in

Red robin: …what?

Danny: your bat family. I want in.

Red robin, blinking in surprise: i dont know what you think you know about my associates, but we're not-

Danny: dont be obtuse. I know youre the smart one. And i also know that your all one big relatively happy family. I want in.

Red robin: …why?

Danny: because you guys are the first people ive found that are wealthy, intelligent and powerful enough to take on my fruitloop godfather and win AND are decent enough human beings that i can be assured that when all is said and done, my well-being will remain a top priority.

Orphan, appearing out of nowhere: new brother!

Danny: *stares in shock*

Danny: *sudden uncanny grin* well that's one convinced. How do i win over the rest?

Orphan: no need. New brother!

Red robin: *pointed glance of betrayal* fine. Who is your godfather?

Danny: vlad masters. He's a fruitloop.

Red robin: for real? B's been investigating him for years! Tell me everything! *genuinely excited for a new lead*

Danny: well, he's tried to murder my dad and marry my mom, gained his wealth illegally, committed voting fraud to become the mayor of my hometown, has a secret underground lab where he does unethical experiments, and he's abducted me more than a dozen times even before my parents disowned me to make me his evil apprentice or whatever. Now that im homeless, he's literally out to get me. Oh! And he's cloned me too! She's cool though, we're buddies now.

Batman, who just arrived but heard everything over comms: hn. (Translation: who are you?)

Danny: my name is Danny. No last name anymore, but im hoping itll soon be Wayne! *winking suggestively*

Batman: hn? (how much do you know?)

Danny: enough to know that youre a much better alternative to vlad.

Batman: …hn (i dont know anything about you. What if youre a spy for vlad?)

Danny, giving his salesman pitch: i was a teen vigilante in amity park before i had to run away from home for my own safety. Vlad is one of my rogues. I know how to fight and defend myself, how to minimize collateral damage in a fight, and ive gotten really good and escaping kidnapping attempts. Ive also managed to reform and/or make allies out of approximately half of my rogues and can talk down about 30% of all rogue confrontations before they turn into a messy fight. The other things i can bring to the table are: one, i can teach all of you guys proper liminality self care; two, i can probably minimize and possibly cure red hood's anger issues; three, i can get along with stabby robin because i consider fighting a friendly social interaction - he can even stab me and i wont be injured by it; four, i can be your go-to guy for supernatural cases so you no longer have to deal with that sad trenchcoat man; five-

Red robin: *blurting* youre hired.

Batman: hn (i am deeply concerned)

Danny: if youre concerned now, wait until i tell you about the anti ecto control act

Nightwing, who showed up in the middle of the sales pitch: ive never seen anyone crack B's grunt language so quickly

Danny: grunt language? He's just using ghost speak - which will be covered by the liminality self care lessons

Robin, who arrived with batman: what is a liminal?

Danny: all of you, of course! Otherwise you wouldnt need to learn about it, obviously

Robin: and why would we trust you?

Danny: did i mention i have a pet ghost dog?

Robin: …you drive a hard bargain

Danny, fist pumping: yes! That's three!

Nightwing: four, you got me when you could understand B's grunting

Red Hood, arrived with nightwing: five, assuming you arent lying about the pit rage

Danny, hand to his chest: i would never!

Orphan: honesty. Earnest. New brother.

Oracle, over comms: six. The anti ecto acts are legit and im terrified for his safety, assuming he's phantom, who is the vigilante of amity park

Spoiler, arrived with orphan: seven, as long as youre down for a few pranks

Batman: hn (ive been outvoted)

Batman: hnn (i dont wanna hear any jokes about adoption habits when you all forced my hand)

Batman: hn (that said)

Batman: welcome to the family

Duke, the next day: man, i miss out on everything exciting.

Duke, blinded by danny: and who the fuck told bruce he could adopt the fucking sun?!

[incorrectbatfam]

Bruce is constantly asking the kids what they like to eat so he can freeze dry their favorites into oblivion as apocalypse rations

[batsyheere]

"So, handling your archnemesis," Danny starts. The room falls quiet, heads slowly turning to look at the man as he writes the words on the chalkboard. When finished, the characters somehow both messy and neat at once, Danny places the chalk back down and claps his hands.

"I typically call them fruitloops. Often they're in a better position than you are- older, richer, more powerful. They may have some sort of status that protects them when facing the public."

Tim wondered where Dick was right now, and if he was laughing. His brain was lagging like a computer as he tried to process what Danny was saying, and how seriously a few of his fellow teen vigilantes were taking this.

"Some of their more common tactics are-" the chalk was picked back up, and Danny writes as he speaks.

"Manipulation, isolation, conditioning, and empathy."

MICE.

Tim stares at the board, and quietly slips put his phone.

-What have I done to deserve this.

Enjoy your lessons Tim-

His head thumps against the desk. Conner leans over, gives him a pat on the shoulder but returns to taking notes as Danny goes on to explain the conditioning tactic.