#and I still am but I’m just rotting
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bleh
#Im out of antidepressants n birth control so that’s prolly why I feel so blank inside but like#part of me is so mad I let people guilt me into not killing my self#and I know how that sounds#weghh not ‘mad’ but more like#now what#im here#what do you want me to do#I don’t want to be here I have like 4 things I care about. I don’t want to talk to people I don’t want to do anything#and I still am but I’m just rotting#is that any better than just killing myself? I wasn’t made for existence and I think it’s okay to acknowledge that now#im bad at being a person and I don’t want to anymore!!! bro I been suicidal since I was 8 am I just a good actor so these people think pilld#actually work lol 😭 they just make me numb and TAHTS part of the reason I wanna die#im not living I’m just here ✌️ and everyone knows I’m not gonna fucking amount to something#I don’t get why killing myself would be a bad thing if u believe in like heaven or whatever we’ll all go there eventually#well not me#or my parents#I don’t think I believe in that anyway. how the fuck do I have acid reflux I ate ONCE today#but yeah we all die why can’t I choose. I have like 4 wants maybe.#and like money wise me killing my self is the worst option only because so many people have invested in me#but I never told them to do that. that’s on them#whatever I need to take a walk tomorrow I’ve been in my room for too long anyway#prolly get my head clear or whatever#suicide ment#vent#I would much rather vent abt how much I wanna kill myself than try and regret it
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So guess who finally watched JJK
#I went from watching Dungeon Meshi earlier this month to watching JJK and I haven’t watched a shounen in literal years so#I can found dead in a ditch after being beaten bloody and raw holy shit#I like knew it would but dark but like Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker I was not expecting that#I still need to read the manga but like damn I need a moment after that#so far I can say JJK is in fact worth the hype and has consumed my soul#Yuuji Itadori my absolute beloved I love you so much I would die for you with zero hesitation#he’s my favorite character and I only want good things for him so so badly and I also want to torture him#I have a deep love hate relationship with Sukuna that kinda haunts me#Megumi is so funky I like him a lot#an absolute madman pretending to be the straight man in bits and no I will not be taking criticism on this opinion#kugisaki my girl you deserve more screen time please let her shine#nanamin you will also haunt me#I didn’t want to like Gojo I was like I am above simping for him and then I’m putting on the clown make up and THEN#They put him in a box just as I went goddamn it I am down bad for Gojo Satoru like COME ON#Anyway Suguru and his eye bags and depression and deeply rooted issues compelled me#Satosugu brain rot is in fact and real and can hurt me#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#shibuya arc#itadori yuuji#megumi fushiguro#nobara kugisaki#gojo satoru#geto suguru#nanami kento#satosugu#ryomen sukuna
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took myself on a little shopping trip yesterday in the city where i used to study in hopes of lifting my spirits but by the end of the day i felt so disheartened. wandering the same streets 10 years later and not much has changed. i’m still the same lonely unlovable girl.
#i just wanted to have a good time and not rot in bed for once on my work free weekend but of course my brain can’t let that happen#it was such a lovely day actually the weather was sunny and windy it wasn’t too hot or cold ideal weather to stroll through the city#i had delicious food and found some comfortable clothes but at the end of the day i just felt so empty and worn out#seeing all these couples and friend groups and families and i’m still all by myself after so many years#tbh i’m even lonelier now than i was 10 years ago back then i at least had a few friends#idk what i’m doing with my life tbh.. i just want to be happy but even when i take myself on a cute little date i end up feeling miserable#bc it just hits me how truly lonely i am#i fear i’m incapable of forming any genuine relationships anymore bc i had so many bad experiences that i just stopped trying to connect..#with anyone.. even though i crave community friendship companionship and love i completely shut myself off from the world#i’m not even sure what i’m trying to say with all this.. i wish i knew how to be a person in this world#i wish i could be happy#tbh ever since i got back from my italy vacation i’ve been feeling depressed bc life could be so beautiful if i didn’t have to sacrifice..#almost all of my time for work#the post vacation depression is too real…#realizing you can only spend a very limited time traveling and enjoying yourself bc you have to work most of the time just to afford living#let me stop.. i keep rambling and my thoughts are falling like a waterfall#idk what’s wrong with me… i should have breakfast and put my phone away#sorry to anyone who actually reads all this word vomit#☁️
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hey guys anyone got any tips about ur close aroace friend who happens to be 3k miles away so very rarely is seen irl but when together irl you’re very close to and cuddle with and you feel so safe and comfy around them but then they text you about random guys they’re looking at on hinge and in that moment you literally wanna scream and rage and suddenly cannot stand any men because of this friend only just Looking at them on hinge and potentially hooking up with them
i am also aroace i am simply seeking answers i’ve been like this for almost a year i want a break but i simply show no signs of improvement .
#like we used to talk about our future together and how we’d flatshsre and live together#even talked about a civil partnership like#serious serious shit#and then they hooked up with a guy One time#and now it just feels like it’s all gone down the drain!#and is that because i started acting weird bc i was??? jealous??? sad????#but it feels hard to still be friends with them and i feel awful about that#but clearly to them sex is important and to me it is something i do not want!!!#so a relationship with me would not include it#and i Want a relationship i just#don’t think they do!#so i’m just in constant brain rot like#wtf do i do because i haven’t felt better about this the whole time#i. i am doubting tumblr to give me answers#it’s actually a long story and it is just.#it would take a lot more than this to have a proper answer#aroace#aromantic#asexual#aro#ace#actually aroace#lgbtq#aspec#asexuality#aromanticism
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Let it be known that we all love Haymitch Abernathy before he’s twinkified.
#the hunger games#haymitch abernathy#sunrise on the reaping#sotr#IM SORRY I HAD TO#IM JUST SAYING#He’s my old guy of course I want to solidify the obvious fact that we all adore Haymitch#please don’t take this seriously#I’m sure we will all accept the casting of young Haymitch regardless#I am not being serious I promise#I have a lot more complex thoughts than fandom brain rot#but still#I think I can dabble in some brainrot for funsies#as a little treat
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Various sketches of the mane 6 as villains
I’ve had a lot of fun thinking up this idea :DD I might do full references for them if I find the time
Bonus Pinkie y Dash interactions bc I love this version of them soooo much
They hate each other n prank each other all the time <3
#biggggg ol art dump this time#I totally didn’t forget to post yesterday#anywayssssss#yeah I’m not the first to do this kind of au#but I’m having my own fun with it#sometimes you get brain rot of your own versions of characters tehe#I focused on making their villainy/backstory focused around#1) the rainboom that got their cutie marks failing therefore causing their different cutie marks/stories#(they are still connected and tied together in destiny even when evil!!!!!)#and 2) basing their villain personality around the disharmony versions of them#fluttershy is mean aj lies all the time rarity is greedy etc etc#and the group is p much split#half of them want to take over Equestria#the other half. are just bad guys. like flim n flim or trixie level villains#I hope ppl are interested in these guys bc I am!!!!!!!#I’m gonna post more of them anyways#my little pony#my litte pony friendship is magic#mlp fanart#fluttershy#twilight sparkle#rainbow dash#pinkie pie#applejack#Istg I have an idea n story for rarity I just haven’t drawn it yet#she’s my favorite rn so#mlp au#my little pony fanart#Crab Doodles
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hmmmm do I want to restart botw finally or just goof off on hyrule warriors
#that or I could try and find koroks since I’m doing them without a guide and am still on like 800 smth#or I could also just sit here and continue to rot on tumblr#so many possibilities lol#rambles from the floor
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damn
#don’t know why me as a non horror/blood/gore/violence/etc fan#decided to start watching y/eIIowjackets alone at home after everyone else is asleep#and also at home which is bigger than my apt obviously lol and where i have my own room#im probably fine like i’m just unsettled by it so it was just an interesting choice LOL#esp like pretty much knowing what i was getting into#anywayyyyy i didn’t know any of ye/IIowjackets was on netfIix#i’ve acc wanted to watch it for a while ever since seeing stuff on tumblr LOLOL#one of the tags of a show i haven’t watched but keep unfiltered bc i don’t mind seeing things from it#so i have been spoiled but i think that helps for me who is relatively not a horror/etc fan lol 😭#idk if this classifies as horror but it does classify as smth i usually would not watch 👍#so why am i watching it idk still LOL it’s rly interesting thooooo#i love making the window super small and also completely blocking the screen except the captions#when shit is going down <3 LOL#anyway time for me to get ready for rotting in bed and continuing reading this h/eartstopper fic#to hopefully not have too bad a time sleeping lololol#me when i did this to myself#jeanne talks
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If the landlord doesn’t want me fishing around in their shower vent and cold air returns, then they shouldn’t make them stink like rotting garbage. You painted over the screws so they’re hard to open? Cool. I’ll drill holes into them and get them out with a power tool because the town next to me is having a citywide garage sale and I’m sure there’s some Ryobi in there at a decent price. Your vents are coming off motherfucker, and if I find anything I swear to fucking god I am going to have both your vents and your bank account cleaned out.
#I also have a closet door that glues itself shut every time it’s closed… because they used fucking Mod-Podge to finish it I guess???#And the knob fell off when I pulled on it. So I stuck a hex wrench in there to try to use it as a handle#but I couldn’t grip it well enough to pull it open#so I karate-kneed the door on the side of the knob while pulling and it opened#As I’m talking about knobs… a knob is responsible for finishing this apartment#The cabinets don’t line up. The bedroom closet doors don’t shut at the same time#because they’re too tight in the jam and push the other out when you close a door while the other door is already closed#The cabinets in the bathroom don’t fully close because the hinges were drilled at an angle#The base molding looks like it fell off a cliff and was fractured in three places#SHIT-COLORED CIGARETTE TAR DRIPS DOWN THE WALLS IN THE BATHROOM WHEN THEY GET WET#Fuck you and your lease. If you’re allowed to have irresponsible carpenters and maintenance; I am allowed to responsibly burn incense#If people are allowed to smoke; I am allowed to burn incense#“No candles” fuck you for making me need to burn scents in the first place#Orwellian fucking apartment. Literally 1984. Not because of the rules; just because the apartment is a dysfunctional shithole#and it smells like the rotting remains of boiled cabbage just like the book#And if anyone asks me why I didn’t call maintenance I’m going to respond with my unresolved service request for the A/C#which conveniently broke down during a heat wave#Did it really break down or did the landlords cut it to save money? Like yes A/Cs break during the summer#but I wouldn’t doubt sabotage either. It doesn’t turn on at all.#The site asked what dates I’d like them to look at it. I gave my dates and said I’d be there all day. I waited at home for two days. No one#No follow-up until nearly a month later saying “We’re still getting to all the service requests please bear with us.” Oh thanks#You couldn’t have done that sooner?
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who up feeling BEEFLEAF on this night
#hello I have reached the black water arc in#no paths are bound#and I am sleivnsalkcnadlcnaslfnaslcnaslcnalSDljvbwuivbv#caitie speaks#beefleaf#tgcf liveblog#I’m still using the tag even though I’m just live-blogging a fic instead of the book#itself it’s allllll tgcf brain rot babyyyy#god fucking dammit this fic is so long and I have such adhd brain I simply CanNot Stop reading it ack#I am never not thinking about the black water arc
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i seriously need to get a new job and start making money again asap bc i cannot keep living at home much longer it’s driving me insane
(wrote an entire essay in the tags without meaning to oops)
#i feel so isolated from everything bc i’m not in school rn but all my friends are and 90% of the ones who are in state go to the same school#so they’re all in the same town and here i am 45 minutes away#i never get invited to anything bc 1) my friends all tend to make plans really last minute#and 2) if we want to go out and drink - which we usually do bc that’s the stage of life we’re in rn - i’d have to stay the night with#someone bc i absolutely cannot afford a 45 minute uber home and most of my friends don’t like staying over / having people stay over#so i have basically no social life and it’s only gotten worse in the past couple months since i got laid off from my main job#not only did i love that job but i loved my coworkers and work was pretty much the only time i left the house and interacted with people#and without that job i can’t even do the little solo things i used to do to cheer myself up like go see a movie#or even just go for a long drive bc i’m broke (as in i have $17 in cash to my name and am like $1000 in debt rn)#so all i do is rot in bed all day and apply for jobs that i’m overqualified for yet still don’t get hired#i barely even leave my room bc i avoid my family which just makes me feel guilty bc i love my family#but they get on my nerves so easily and most of the conversations i have with my mom end in her lecturing me about something and me crying#and on top of everything it’s just straight up embarrassing to be unemployed and completely directionless about college and living at home#logically i know i’m still very young and it’s common to live at home when you’re 20 but literally none of my friends do#i had a couple friends who lived at home for the first 2 years after high school and went to community college but by now they’ve moved out#and they’re all at universities and either graduating this year or next year meanwhile the earliest i could possibly graduate is in 2 years#i should be finishing my junior year rn but i’ve only completed my freshman year#i hated the school i was at and planned on transferring sophomore year but long story short that didn’t work out#even longer story short i ended up doing a semester each at 2 different community colleges and failed all my classes both times#and took 2 semesters off so now i’m a full 2 years behind and even though my freshman year was miserable#i’m starting to wish i stayed at that school anyway bc at least i would be at a university and accomplishing something#plus theres a huge difference between staying at home for a couple years after high school then moving out later#vs living on your own right away then having to move back home after you’ve already experienced having your own space#and on top of everything i have an older sister who’s a literal genius and graduated last year#and a younger sister who just finished her freshman year at the school i hated but she loves it and got perfect grades and made friends#so they’re both thriving and here i am living with my mom and my 13 year old brother and just completely failing at everything#i’m just so miserable and obviously moving out again and going back to school wouldn’t magically fix everything#but at least i would feel like my life was going somewhere and i wasn’t getting left behind by everyone i know#i just have no idea how to move forward and i feel like ever since high school not a single thing has gone the way i wanted it to#vent
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bit sad
one time, someone i really cared about the approval of told me that if one of my characters loved someone who hurt him, it needed to be softened, because otherwise his love for others wasn’t as meaningful
i don’t think that’s true, but man its never left my head since
#this isn’t even yelling into the abyss it’s whimpering#it wasn’t meant to be an indictment on me#and it wasn’t meant to hurt me#but it has lingered and rotted in my head and i don’t know if i can ever get it out tbh#i don’t know man#i’d like to think that love is meaningful even when you love someone who hurts you#but i’ve felt so unsteady in whether or not i’m the right person to make emotional judgement calls for a while#i thought i was#but maybe i’m just bad at it#on the more positive side i am very loved and very cared for#and i have lots of friends and family who love me and even when i am hurt by them and even when i hurt them unintentionally they love me bac#and i hope that it is enough#do people still do this continuation of posts in tags anymore
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hghhh
#mentally i am still 16 finding out i failed my gcse’s#i’ve barely left the house since! 4 years going on 5.#so viividly remember all my teachers always saying ‘you’re smart under there i know you are. you just need to apply yourself’#now i can barely leave the house fortnightly to lie to the jobcentre by telling them i’m trying to find work honest! i’m fucking not.#i need so badly to be medicated it’s NOT funny anymore. i am rotting from the inside out like this#literally rotting. i think the number of times i’ve brushed my teeth since the initial lockdown in 2020 is in the dozens#it’s NOT more than 150.#don’t worry everyone. i’m too scared to kill myself
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two messages in three days from two separate people and at this point i really do have to wonder if it’s me because. like what the fuck.
#dont mind me#am i too much? am i not fun? do they like each other more than they like me and they’re hanging out without me? is it bc they’re both skinny#and i’m fat? and they can tell i’m different?#i’m letting myself stew this time bc i’m really upset#the first one i went anyway and still had a good time#but for tonight idk that scene or that type of show v well but she does and we went to a show like this together last month#in fact when she told me about this show i requested off right away so i could go with her bc i did have fun at the first show#and yet now#turned on private session on spotify <3#personal#ig i’ll just keep rotting my brain on tiktok idk#i was really looking forward to it#i’ve been w my family all day which is fine but i went to my room to be alone for a while and to get ready and i’m halfway through deciding#on my outfit when she texts me back she doesn’t know if she wants to go#and part of my worry about this is like. not based in reality of who these two are as people but especially to happen to close together#it makes me worry they don’t actually like me and they prefer hanging out with each other to me#the whole thing (my emotions about this) is insecurity based#but like. ouchie! ya know?
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I need to not be obsessed.
But do you think in universe some people call Henry Wu the Patron Saint of De-Extinction… (I know that saints are usually deceased so like after he dies or whatever idk)
like how not a lot but some people (usually online/on tumblr) call Laika the Patron Saint of One Way Trips.
#i’m just rambling#I was thinking about it#and then I got mad that if “de-extinction” (for dinosaurs) does become possible under that ass Jack Horner.#he could get that title and he does NOT deserve it. >:(#Also trying so hard not to draw this idea. I’m not religious enough to know how to draw that right. But that idea is eating my brain rn.#dr. henry wu#Jurassic park#jurassic world#I am so sorry but the brain rot is real right now…#I know that the “Build a Dinosaur Project” isnt even close to de-extinction and is more genetic modifying of chicken DNA to bring back#Dinosaur like traits to this modern species. But still.#jurassic world camp cretaceous
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they invented hugh grant romcoms for when ur sick because the only thing my brain can tolerate right now is this stupid shit
#I want to write today tho…..feeling better but the brain is NOT kicking into gear#but also I think I’m just gonna rot until Friday bc I have work and would rather not feel like I am dying still by then 👍
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