#i feel so isolated from everything bc i’m not in school rn but all my friends are and 90% of the ones who are in state go to the same school

[steviescrystals]

i seriously need to get a new job and start making money again asap bc i cannot keep living at home much longer it’s driving me insane

(wrote an entire essay in the tags without meaning to oops)

[microsuedemouse]

vent post bc I’m in a crummy mood tn, sorry gang

I Know that if I want things to get better rn I need to act in some way. I Know that I’m basically the only one who can change anything about a lot of what’s making me miserable. but every goddamn problem I try to address seems to exist in a shitty evil cycle with some other problem

if I took better care of myself maybe I would be more appealing to the people I want to befriend -> if I had friends to see and didn’t feel so lonely maybe I would have the motivation to take better care of myself

maybe if I worked more I wouldn’t be perpetually broke, and I could actually do something else once in a while -> my job fucking exhausts me at ~22 hours a week; I don’t have the energy to do anything else even if I could afford it

obviously I need a better job than this one, which is sucking all the life out of me -> I do not have the energy a lot of jobs would require -> a job that suits me better might be less fucking exhausting, but I don’t have the qualifications for much -> maybe I should go back to school in some capacity -> school is expensive and I’m terrified to go further into debt without any certainty it’ll help me any

loneliness and isolation are taking an enormous fucking toll on me right now, and I’m desperate to try and connect with people around me, but I was socially anxious to begin with and the last few years have left me really out of practice -> I try to reach out to people but I fumble or my desperation shows through and progress is awkward and slow at best -> I only get lonelier and more desperate

there are people at my job I really, really want to befriend, and am slowly making inroads with, but it’s hard bc there aren’t a lot of opportunities to socialise -> again, I desperately need a different job, but I’ll lose touch with these few people and I don’t think I’m far enough along with them to stay connected, and even if there were potential friends at the next job I’d be starting from the fucking ground all over again

I am trying so hard but everything is so tangled up and difficult and I feel so small and tired and alone all the time and it’s so difficult to convince myself it isn’t all just futile

[e77y]

Long but relatively unserious vent/rant below the cut (sorry I added this in bc I realized how long this post is oops)

Being at the center of some kind of internet witchhunt (which ik is kind of buzzwordy but) is literally my biggest fear ohhh my god. Even a small scale one… I think I would Die. Maybe it’s because I had a similar thing happen with my friend group in high school where one of them convinced the others I was like evil and spread all these rumors about me… 😭 He was splitting on me but still. That’s an explanation, not an excuse. And it basically confirmed all of my intrusive thoughts about myself, and my personality completely self-destructed and changed, and I haven’t interacted with any of those people the same way since. I isolated from them for MONTHS and just loathed myself. Bleh

The reason it’s on my mind is bc I’ve seen this happen to friends and mutuals and even just people I’ve followed in small fandoms, where the whole fandom hates them bc of this little drama and like. I KNOW that fandom drama is not the end of the world, but truly I think that would destroy me for months. And I would never be able to set foot in those spaces again :’) Getting a handful of rude comments about a fucking transfem hc I had at like 14 made me stop writing fanfic for YEARS 😭😭😭 sigh. Just bc they said it was ‘out of character for him to want to be a girl’ 🙄 (<- character who canonically felt confident when dressed as a woman btw. initially for a disguise but then she grew to love it. BUT I DIGRESS KNSHFJW)

All this to say I think that’s why I tiptoe around everything I say online… I am SO scared of ruffling feathers, but I know that fandoms are places for like! Having fun! And it’s not a big deal! And it doesn’t affect my real life! But like idk.. I just hate the idea of being hated by anyone. I’m sure that I ANNOY some people, and that’s whatever; I talk a lot and make overly personal posts sometimes (like this lol) but I don’t wanna be HATED yk? And idek if it’s better to be hated and ostracized publicly or resented in secret by people who still interact with you… :( Agh. If you ever have an issue with me, please DM me instead of letting it build up into something worse!

ANYWAY LIKE.. with fandom stuff. Idk. I want to have fun! I want to write and post things on Tumblr and AO3 etc but I am just very scared of peoples’ opinions, especially now that I have a decently popular/well-liked longfic in DnDads. For some reason I have convinced myself that writing bad or self-indulgent NSFW will make everyone hate me lmao. Like girl the POINT of fanfic is to be self-indulgent……….. sigh I need to get out more

^ light-hearted… but also kinda true haha. I stay at home a lot just bc I don’t have many reasons to go out atm and only a handful of close friends to go out with. Hopefully that will change when I move next semester lol. And whenever I get interests, they’re VERY strong and long-lasting, and fanfic writing is one of my main hobbies, so I get REALLY into online communities. And rn that is kind of my little niche fandom Tumblr bubble… which is embarrassing and probably unhealthy but whatever. I just inevitably get a lot of anxiety about things that are important/fun to me (bc OCD), especially bc I’ve never really had mutuals/‘friends’ in a fandom before this, excluding my irls

Anyway this got longer and more vent-y than I intended so I will tag accordingly, and sorry to whoever is reading this lol; I just wanted to get my thoughts written down in a public forum bc idk… Makes me feel less insane when ik other people can see it, too. Helps me not take it too seriously and spiral lol.

[kulekrizpy]

my friend/ex was really upset yesterday. his body is all messed up from various injuries, he needs dental work. i told him to call out of work bc he wasn’t going to get any sleep before his shift

he moved near his hometown with some planning but not a lot. he wants to go to school. but he won’t have in-state tuition since he was living in my state prior to moving. he works really hard at work but it’s physical labor and it only makes his health issues worse. he also doesn’t want to move up to a less labor-intensive position :/ he honestly needs to take medical leave

and he’s upset with my brother for various reasons, but last night he was drinking and it all came out and he messaged my brother and my mother about how upset he was about my brother breaking something of mine and not paying in full to replace it. he’s struggling with money on his own and he resents my brother for having a cushy job that he complains about and flouts authority on. in many ways my brother IS entitled and probably WOULD benefit from being punched in the face at least once for his shitty political views, especially bc my ex is genderqueer. but he has definitely not spoken frankly about it with my brother

speaking of which, now he’s in a less accepting place and tho he “toned down the queer” he still gets looks from ppl and it’s stressing him out a lot. he worries about going thru backroads in case his car breaks down and someone kills him

all his friends from back home are druggies or complete deadbeats or both and he’s had a falling out with everyone since he moved. he’s also worried one of his older friends won’t live beyond this year. so now all the friends he does rely on are in my area and not his and he’s very lonely and isolated. and that also means i’m his best friend rn, which he’s told me several times

a week or so ago he wanted to make a risky and illegal change in career and after i told him i wouldn’t have been friends with him anymore if he decided to do it, he told me he still wants to fuck me. when i told him i can’t be casual with him anymore so don’t say that, he said he didn’t say it properly and that he meant he wants to be with me, eventually. and it’s just a whole fucking thing. he can’t even articulate what he wants. i told him not to mention it again unless he was sure and confident he could actually be a good partner to me. and i told him i need time to get over him too

and last night, we were chatting and i realized he’d been drinking, and he’s in a negative spiral/combative. he messaged my family. i told him he should wait til the morning and he did it anyway. at that point i said whatever. the call dragged on for hours tho he needed to sleep for work. he was in such a state i didn’t feel comfortable getting off the phone with him in case he did something very risky, like driving drunk or idk what else. he talked about wanting to lay down on some train tracks…

AND he called me again at work the other day. like. on the work phone. he used to work there but it’s just… not professional. feels weird. esp bc he was doing it cuz he was drunk. told him to text or call my phone next time

he gets drunk and disregards boundaries. bc he also mentioned the dating thing last night while we were talking. and when i told him not to he sidestepped and kept going on about whatever rant. and he just argues abt everything when he’s drunk. DUMB shit. like me taking my bike apart to store it easier. like bruh leave me alone ??

in the end he called out of work, then talked to his sister and i guess she convinced him to drive up instead of doing something dumber. i asked if he was sober enough and he said yeah. which he would’ve said no matter what i’m sure :|

so. he got to his family’s place and i guess i’ll see him today sometime. i told him i don’t want to drink and my brother doesn’t wanna drink with him either, so we’ll avoid that at our house at least

he’s trying, but he’s also falling back on stupid habits. i just hope he can figure out how to get the help he needs

and i need to figure out how to keep my boundaries

the cats woke me up earlier. i need to sleep more before i see him. good night

[psychosomatist]

Getting my fucking COVID research together ahead of this goddamn house meeting 🙃 which feels pointless bc my housemates already fucking understand and have heard the science. One of them in particular just doesn’t actually care.

Anyway idk it’s thrown into question the longevity of this housing situation. I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or what. I know I’m partly just extremely activated after everything this week. Idk all I’m saying is that I don’t want any more chronic health conditions or to have my existing ones be worse and I don’t want to give COVID to anyone either. I’m not even saying don’t go anywhere or do anything. My big ask is please wear a fucking mask and don’t have people over who haven’t been cautious. And if there is a surge don’t go to things or at least pick and choose and try to keep it outdoors. Those are pretty minimal asks.

I KNOW it’s a fact of life now and I know I’ll probably have it again. But I think harm reduction is still important. Because even if you don’t get long COVID there is still cumulative damage each time you get it.

It’s hard bc I am someone with a couple disabilities and have had a hard few years of sickness, surgery and injuries. It’s hard to explain the powerlessness, isolation and desperation of that to someone who hasn’t experienced it. The toll it takes on your body, mental health, relationships, finances, goals. I also was out on FMLA for like 4 months already this year plus then had COVID and being out for emergency fucking surgery meant I was out for a lot of august. Aside from any effects to my actual body, I straight up financially and professionally can’t afford to get COVID again if I can help it. This housemate has definitely had her own health issues but she has also had a social and financial safety net in a way I haven’t and don’t, and is generally able bodied/more able to consistently function than me.

In addition to the actual risk I feel like fundamentally not respected/valued rn bc of this and it is hard to have the same respect for this housemate that I previously have had. She talks a good talk about like disability acceptance and modification of activities and shit but then I’m like dude I’m not sure this word means what you think it means lol.

Like… I’m not gonna tell you what you can and can’t identify with past a point… but I’m sorry, if you can keep up with housework, two relationships, friendships, working out all the time, gardening, cooking regularly, hobbies, work, going out to events and a bunch of other stuff…… CONSISTENTLY….. we’re not the same 😂

I am usually in a place where I have to budget the energy to do almost everything I do. It is actually pretty rare for me to be able to handle going into the grocery store and I spend a lot of time in bed. I go through phases of not being able to be intimate with my partner. I don’t usually know how physical activity is going to affect me and if it will lead to me then struggling to do basic things the next few days. I had to drop out of school last year to address health issues. I have a shit ton of mental health stuff too that requires a lot of work to stay on top of. And I’m proud of myself because I do that work and I don’t make it anyone else’s problem. My friends know that plans with me are always tentative though and I’ve lost people who that does not work for. Which is sad but ok, bc it’s not for everyone. I’m distant with family for the same reasons.

All this to say I’m genuinely hopeful that maybe things will be better soon with my health and maybe I’ll be able to do more.

She is framing it as her valuing her bodily autonomy and I’m just like ok dude you’re infringing on the bodily autonomy of others that you live with when you choose to go do a bunch of high exposure recreational shit, specifically refusing to mask.

I think what really did it is like… this whole damn year has been so so bad physically and mentally, just one thing after another, the actual worst of my life, then I get covid, then my fucking ovary randomly explodes and dies, and then literally the first week I’ve had in like… I can’t remember how long… where I’m feeling more normal and able to do more after surgery and stuff, and there’s a COVID exposure at my house bc of carelessness and my housemate proceeds to say she will actually be taking LESS precautions going forward.

Idk like COVID is not just about me. But I’m feeling all this between her and I in a very personal way because I thought things were different between us than they apparently are. A friend helped me identify that my anger is partly just intense fear of getting sick again and becoming more disabled.

I’m trying to spend some time focused on my own feelings and honoring the grief and fear and powerlessness of what this year has been like for my body and mind. Because I’ve not really done that much. Instead I’ve just tried to dismiss it and get through it and have seen everything as my own fault or what I deserve or felt selfish for struggling. And that attitude has taken its own toll on me. I’m grateful to be at a point in my life where I can even recognize that I need to do this tbh.

I don’t want to communicate from a place of anger. Not bc I shouldn’t be angry but bc it’s not going to be effective. I’m trying to decide if I should share my very personal feelings about all of this (like what I just wrote) in addition to the science and more basic “hey I don’t want to get this it makes me scared.”

On one hand she is more touchy feely than me. On the other hand I think there is a strong likelihood that this household of mental health workers will try to validate my feelings while not listening to my words and then I might actually lose my shit.

I’m also feeling scared and threatened bc this house was the most stability I’ve had ever as an adult and has been the first place I thought I might actually stay for a few years since I was 24. And now I’m feeling afraid that it might not be. If she doesn’t mask it’s going to change how I spend time in common areas, and limit what kind of time/how much I will spend with her or her partner who is a good friend.

Idk I just seriously might lose my shit if this house meeting turns into a big touchy feely cry fest though because it feels so far from the point. When that happens at house meetings it’s like yeah ok great I’m glad that you feel comfortable expressing yourself but now we are just in the weeds, not addressing the problem. The problem is now your feelings.

Like I feel upset at house meetings sometimes too but that’s not the time or place imo to cry it out. I get resentful when other adults have big emotional displays that require others to help regulate them. It happens to everyone sometimes and no one is perfect. But there’s certain times that it’s like… ok. THIS should not cause this much of a reaction. I do not want to do the work of helping you emotionally regulate about this.

[one-abuse-survivor]

before i start, thank you so much for doing what you do;this blog has given me good advice countless times and i really have to thank you for that.

my issues with my parents are that they don't take me seriously. i can literally go up to them and say: "mom/dad, i think i might be autistic or have ADHD (both would be quite likely) can i get that checked out" and list a bunch of examples why i think that and they'll just be "nah, that can't be, you don't seem like that at all" as of i didn't break my mind over it researching it and talking to people who have it to see if we've had similar experiences just to get some kind of reference as to why i feel the way i feel and why i struggle so much with things that so many other people find so easy.

but then, in the following weeks and months (after talking w them) they just randomly point out things about me that kinda annoy them, like me talking out of turn a LOT or me not looking at people or me having trouble focusing if there isn't also music and a movie going at the same time or mom saying that i seem hyperactive to her because i'm always moving my legs or pacing around or rubbing my hands or drumming on the table with pens. things like that (plus a lot more) were the exact things i was telling them about and they just put it off like it's nothing but as soon as it affects and annoys them it's suddenly very real. at this point i'm struggling to talk to my parents about anything even remotely more serious than generic smalltalk and i'm having a hard time believing myself that my struggles are in fact real and i'm not just making them up.

and also on a less related note; the thing i hate most about my parents: if i'm wearing headphones and couldn't understand what a parent was yelling from somewhere else in the house then it's my fault. but if it's the exact same situation but i'm the one calling and they couldn't hear me, then it's obviously my fault too (i kinda get the first one but srsly how could i not wear headphones when they're constantly arguing with my brother in the room next to mine) (either way if one of the scenarios is clearly my fault, then the other shld be clearly their fault bc that's how logic works)

hhhh, this got quite long. i would love to hear your thoughts about this

a continuation from the other ask about my parents not taking me seriously even when i ask them for help with my hardest problems. that ask didn't really go in the direction i had planned but there is so much going on between my parents and me that i really need to talk to someone about

background: i'm around 15-16 rn and have a brother who's 18. primary school was academically very easy for me (lots and lots of great and even perfect grades) but my brother didn't have it as easy (lots and lots of mediocre and meh grades) so my parents really just kinda let me do my thing while they were constantly busy with my brother. so i got really independant and did all of my stuff on my own bc a) i always had done it that way and b) my parents were already busy and stressed. but after my brother got his first computer and got into video games his grades dropped and my parents started constantly arguing with him and taking away his computer and stuff like that so there was always a lot of tension (and i got to a point where i can't handle people yelling; that's what i was referring to with the headphone thingy at the end of the last ask) i don't know if i can go that far and say that my parents kinda neglected me and my emotional needs in favour of saving my brother grades but that's pretty much the way it feels.

i'm now a sophomore (school works a bit different here but i'm the equivalent of a highschool sophomore afaik, here it's just 10th grade) and starting from about mid 8th grade (end of 2018) i've been struggling a lot with self care and upkeep of my already minimal social circle and academic stuff (i'm at the academically highest level of school you could be at my age without skipping any years) and also mental health.

i got quite depressive and started isolating myself and casting away friends and my grades went down a lot, which really disappointed me because my great grades were kind of my trademark thing. but i didn't feel safe talking to my parents because of the huge distance that we built by me "never" needing their help with stuff.

in that time (almost a year ago, our anniversary is in twenty days or so) i got a girlfriend and i'm hella glad that i can talk to her about everything but i feel like i can't just go dump trauma and parent issues on her forever

about last november or so i was at a pretty low point and was suicidal and that's kind of when i snapped and went to my parents to talk so being cast away and having my issues invalidated really really hurt then and made me spiral even deeper and my gf was the only thing keeping me afloat.

i'm kind of a bit better now but i have rebuilt my view of my parents from "idk we never really interact" to "trying to interact or talk is not worth the energy" and needless to say i don't like them that much

oh and i forgot about all the times i got panic attacks and sensory overloads @ school because there are so many people there (1700 students + 200 teachers) and it's loud everywhere and of course asking my parents for what to do if suddenly everything is too bright and too loud and you can't move or talk because of it didn't get me anywhere (and since i didn't know what it was called or how to describe it properly, i didn't really find any Information online either

and just typing this makes me think of so many more things that they did that aren't okay things to do (a lot of gender identity stuff for example because i'm also neck-deep in that) . but writing this has also helped a lot right now. thank you for being there and listening.

and just in case i'm ever gonna pop back in to say something i'm gonna drop a name for easier identifying

sincerely - 🌌 milky way anon

Hi, nonnie! Thanks for the kind words, I'm really glad my blog has been of help ❤️

I'm sorry your parents are making it hard to believe your struggles are real :( you deserve to be taken seriously and to get access to all the help you might need. Just the fact your symptoms are there and you're noticing them and they're interfering with your daily life is enough to get them checked, regardless of if you need a diagnosis/meds/anything else. No one deserves to live wondering if their struggles are worth discussing with a doctor or professional.

And you're right: if one of those things was your fault, then the other should be theirs, logically. But I don't even think it's "your fault" you didn't hear them because you were wearing headphones, to be honest. I think it's just something that happens from time to time and that doesn't warrant getting mad over; I think it's the kind of thing that simply needs to be talked about so everyone in the household knows how to communicate with everyone else without getting frustrated. It's as easy as saying "hey, whenever I put on headphones I'll just text the family group chat to let you guys know I won't hear you. If you need anything in those moments, just text me instead". I do this with my girlfriend sometimes—if we're wearing headphones and we're in the same room, we simply pat each other when we need something and wait until the other takes off their headphones to talk. It really doesn't have to be an issue where anyone is to blame. You're allowed to take steps to feel safe and comfortable in your house without getting punished for it.

But, of course, this doesn't work if the people around you choose to prioritise "being right" and proving you're wrong over a peaceful and healthy cohabitation, which is what most toxic and abusive people do.

As for your second ask, I would say if it feels like your parents neglected you and your needs because they were always focusing on your brother, then it's okay to say that they did. The fact alone that those feelings are there makes you deserving of talking about it and wanting to heal from it; the cause of those feelings doesn't have to be something major, or sound deeply traumatising when you say it out loud, in order to "count". And people whose emotional needs were consistently met don't feel like they weren't.

I've already shared this video before, but if you want some resources on identifying and healing from emotional neglect, I really recommend watching it. Please bear in mind, though, that the video says it's important to not blame parents for emotionally neglecting you, but I don't think that's the message a lot of people need to hear and I think you should allow yourself to feel angry at your parents for not meeting your needs and causing you trauma. That's pretty much the only thing I'd criticise about the video.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with your grades and mental health lately, nonnie. I had a quite similar experience when I was in high school—I used to always get great grades, but my mental health and trauma put a lot of strain on them (as well as on my social life; I lost a lot of friends in those years) and it was really distressing to see the only thing that made me "worthy" crumble between my fingers like that. I'm still trying to unlearn this idea that your grades define your worth, and it's been really hard.

I'm so sorry your parents weren't there for you when you hit that low 😔 I'm glad your girlfriend could help you stay afloat in that moment, but they absolutely should've been there for you all those times you reached out to them for help with your struggles, and the fact that they didn't is emotionally neglectful of them.

I'm glad you're in a better place now ❤️ I really hope you can find out all the information you need on gender identity and sensory overload and any other issues that might be affecting you. Know that you deserve for your parents to be there for you. You shouldn't have to face any of this on your own, or even with only the support of other people your age. You deserve for them to care. You deserve to have your symptoms checked out. You deserve adult guidance to find resources to help you better understand and manage your struggles.

Sending all my virtual support your way ❤️ and happy belated anniversary to you and your girlfriend!

[meitanteisachi]

(long) personal post ahead!

Well technically this isn’t a personal post but it’s about two of my friends from the same circle (I’ll call them A and B) whom I just recently discovered are mutually into each other and I’m SO FREAKING HAPPY FOR THEM AND THEY REMIND ME OF SHINRAN. SERIOUSLY. 

They’re my block mates and before the pandemic (so like, timeline around late 2019 to early March this year?) we’d frequently hung out in the student council room (most of my friends are council members and I’m just literally leeching lmao), and at that time I could already see them being sweet, but I’ve always thought of it as friends kinda sweet since A had a gf while B is in casual relationships then.

Guy A is so. freaking. handsome. Like I wouldn’t deny it his face is gorgeous, magazine material and among the top 10 (top 5?) hotties in my grad school. He’s smart, but he can be obnoxious sometimes and makes dumb jokes but his humor grew on me (on everyone actually) so I was able to survive grad school with this idiot of a friend. 

Meanwhile girl B, my other friend, is timid and quiet for most people but is actually loud and crazy around us and has very dry humor (that may have been influenced by A) though overall she’s very sweet. She was also the council’s secretary.

This morning, I got to interact again with my block mates thru DMs (after xx months of being in my own little recluse of purely anime in my mind lmao) because council elections is coming up and A invited me to join his PR team as he’s running for Secretary (B’s previous position). So I joined and we made a grp DM for the whole team, some of my other friends in there including B, the head PR. While discussion was ongoing, A told me in a separate DM that if I get to notice some implications in the chat that he and B have a thing, I shall not mind it because they really do have a thing now. 

And me, being the clueless, oblivious beech that I am, reacted with ‘HAAAAAHHH??!?!>?’, ‘But I thought- You!- Hah!?! HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN GONE?!?’ (and he replied with blame it on your Naruto!! - lmaoo thank god for non-weeb friends who understand my isolation haha).

Anyway, what really got me about these two was how MUCH I WASN’T EXPECTING they’ll go down this route. After all they’re merely close friends and had each of their respective relationships prior (I learned, eventually, that A broke up with his gf last March, while B stopped with casual dating long before that).

I learned that B, being the more ‘quiet’ one, has admitted to my other friend that she did have a crush on A long before, but suppressed it because they’re merely friends and A had a gf. B said she admires A’s leadership - how he can pull a rough situation into something favorable, how he’s very calm and rational about facing crises, how he’s just so confident on the outside though deep down he might probably be panicking - but nonetheless, he’s still confident (very Shinichi IMO).

I also learned that A fell in love first. Before they got to admit their feelings for each other, A would visit B in her house and would invite two of my other friends in the guise of ‘hanging out’ but really, A and B just wanted to be together. A would also drive B to court hearings even though he lives far from her; would drop by her house even if it’s out of the way just say that he’s on the way to where he’s going. They go out on late night drives. And if asked if A likes B, A is straightforward about it, he’ll really say “I really really like her, what do I do about this” like god arent you two like two teenagers in love fuckkkk. 

But now it has come to this, A is so crazy about B. And B, I hope this is THE relationship for her. B has a particular type in a man, none of which A falls under. Her infatuation/love for A might be forreal this time. Who knows. But rn I’m squirmminngg.

.

TLDR; Two of my friends are dating and they radiate Shin x Ran vibes and I cannot stop gushing about it (but not in front of their faces bc I dont want to freak them tf out so I’m just gonna rant everything here HAHAHA)

[roughlytwentytwofrogs]

so I'm thinkin again, so it's a personal rant and I'm on phone so no read more. I think you can press j? on pc to skip to the end of the post?

abuse tw by the way, I'm going to talk about my father and how my childhood with him shaped me (and my sister? i guess, i can't do without talking about her)

so tldr, my father was an asshole. My half sister from his first marriage left the house when she was 17 because he hit her in the face one too many times and her professor decided to send her to the cops after she came at school with a black eye (that's only pretty recently that i learned that, during most of my teenage years - i was 11 when she left, she was the one who had decided to leave with her weed smoking bf) A little story bc that's a pretty important part in what I'm thinking about.

Last year, after almost 9 years without contact, I called her and we spoke for a few hours about well, p much everything, and at some point, we were talking about our father's misogyny and how it affected us.

Like, we were both not very traditionally feminine. I was always a tomboy, and she was into the alt fashions. And she said something about how growing up with my father and his constant mockery of feminine things (trucs de gonzesse, pédés, etc) made her hate her own feminity. And that's something that hit me hard, i guess? If i look in my wardrobe, the clothes dating from before the whole process that started with getting kicked out in november 2018, then my sister contacting me to tell me my father got thrown out too and the divorce and that phonecall and all of the things that went with it and after, they're all the more masculine ones, and after that it's sarouels and more shapeless neutral and feminine clothing.

I think for a while i was (and probably still am, since I'm only thinking about this rn) in a process of if it has anything to do with my father, it must go. But I'm not happy with it, these past two years have coincidentally been the ones I've struggled a lot with my own image and yeah, that makes sense, i don't wear clothes i enjoy wearing, I just throw on stuff in the morning and that's it. I've even tried to buy a sundress last summer i guess as some kind of what if? but the tag is still on it.

And the more i think about it, the more i feel like, even if i can explain it partly because of that experience i have of "everything too feminine is shameful", it doesn't make it any less of a positive thing in my life? Because it doesn't feel shameful anymore, it just feels like something that i don't necessarily enjoy or find attractive.

And on top of the whole being laid back and romantic and liking cute animals and cooking that don't fit the social expectations of being masculine, i guess that's also part of why i refused and got spooked of calling myself butch and identifying with the word.

And yeah, i feel the getting strong to protect part too. Since I'm a teen I've been pushing iron at my rowing club, i stepped a lot between my father and my siblings, i even took a few hits defending my mother. Last time i saw him, i got a nice black eye for defending my mother when he started getting aggressive about her contacting her parents (he's cut off our contact with them at around the same time as my half sister left, in 2012).

It just slowly adds up whenever i start thinking about different aspects of the butch identity. I just need to learn that I don't have to banish him and refuse the consequences he had on my life and my point of view on myself and the world. He's my father, his influence shaped a good part of my personality.

I'm soft and laid back because he was angry and aggressive. I don't like conflict and shouting because that's what my life was with him. I'm understanding because he was paranoid. I enjoy being around people because he was violently anti social. I want freedom and to make my own rules and cannot stand jealousy because he was controlling and sabotaging all of our friendships. I can't count how many friends I've lost because he started shit with their parents, he's kept us away from my mother's side of the family for 9 years. I'm an extreme people pleaser because he was very hard to please and selfish.

And on the less positive side, i have a really hard time accepting gifts because it was used against me all my childhood to make me do things for them that i didn't want to. I'm unlearning that pretty well, but i had a hard time being wrong or being in a position of knowing less about something than the person I'm talking with. Nowadays i feel like I've made huge progress with it, and listening to people and learning from them is something i actually enjoy a lot. My reaction to anger and frustration is isolation and silence because i have an actual fear of becoming violent like my father. I know it's irrational, I know I'm not about to break someone's nose because they ate the last fries or smtg. I guess I've just heard so many excuses about how he lost control and how it's natural and shit like that that deep down it convinced me of something and I'm afraid of myself? i don't know that sounds even more irrational when i put it into words.

I built myself against him instead of with him like a normal kid would. I shouldn't be afraid of that, that's who i am, that's who i grew up to be and that's the qualities i learned to value in life because they were rare in my family. That doesn't make it less important and valid than a child who learned to love by watching their parents loving each other and them.

I guess a lot of my self worth problems stem from that. I don't feel like myself, and I've been coping with that by calling that feeling stupid and running head first towards anything that I've seen other people thrive with trying to search for my own happy place when in the end, it's been right there all along, i just have to look back with acceptance instead of anger.

[dhwrina]

♡ ♡ ♡    howdy you lovely little beans !! 🤠 i’m nai ( she/her ; 21+) and i just cried bcs of a kdrama - first, i’m so in love with this rp, the concept ♡ ♡ ♡ , the effort that has been put behind it, my two braincells could never - ALSO y’all are so cute and i already love all of ur muses, someone bring me tissues, grandma is gonna cry ssdnsn anyway, i’m bringng u my bean rina  the cupid canon with a little sidenote that i messed up her age lol wrote she was born 1997 but actually stated in the age section she’s 24, i guess math just does that to me. okay so, she’s a new muse so excuse me if sometimes i myself seem a little lost with her lmao. anyway i made a little PLOT PAGE , a WANTED PLOT TAG , a PINTEREST BOARD and you can read more ABOUT her here. so, if you want to plot please 🔪🔪🔪 LIKE this post. i’m down for everything gimme all the angst, brotps, enemies and fluff pls sdndnssa also if u want to plot discord pls lmk

below i’ll try to shorten her bio and also add some trivia and connections as well, thank you for reading this

tw death , abuse

♡  her life in the normal realm was a happy one. she died a natural death and led a pretty fulfilling life. ( that is bcs i needed to make her suffer extra hard for her life in donghwa do )

♡ due to her never experiencing any difficulties and having very supportive and loving parents, she just assumed that everyone else would be as nice as her parents were. this made her a little naive and overly trusting which wasn’t a problem as it seemed that rina somehow only met nice people ( look at me granting her some extra happy times so i can wreck her life more )

♡ her parents were (still are) the perfect couple which somehow made her obsessed with love. she was that girl who drew heart over the letter “i”. refused to use any marker that wasn’t pink and would always request a romcom at sleepovers when everyone else wanted to watch a horror movie.

♡ her parents the owners of cupid’s café are known for their matchmaking skills and rina probably got that from them. she also helped the people at school to confess to their crush and rumors said that asking rina for help would guarantee 100 % success.

♡ anyway rina herself never fell in love herself and kind of feel like a fraud since she gave out love advice but did not really experience love

♡ so one day, that perfect looking (shady) guy entered the cafe and rina fell in love with him. (tbh he wasn’t even that good-looking or funny it was probably just the way the light illuminated him or some shit that made rina believed he was the perfect guy straight out of a movie.....)

♡ turned out he was a complete douchebag. his obsessive behavour forced her to isolate herself from her friends and she kinda had no friends left then. also she actually planned to expand cupid cafe (probably some extra room for her matchmaking business lol) and planned to study but he also didn’t want her to “waste her time on something else” and manipulated her into giving up on that thought. 

♡ when rina wouldn’t listen he’d become violent and rina started to question what love really was and if that what her parents had were just a naïve view on love and that most people couldn’t have the love they did. 

♡ eventually she managed to escape from that relationship, but it did change her bcs 1) he never got punished for his actions (since she didn’t report him or told anyone about what had happened) 2) she kinda lost faith in that concept of fate regarding love but also other areas in life.

♡ that’s why i chose the rebel label for her bcs that belief started to crumble and she’s kinda mad bcs was it fate that she had to go through all this awful things ?

♡ right now she picked up her job at cupid’s cafe again. she is helping out her parents and honestly right now she tries not to think about her past dream about expanding the cafe etc. she’s rather focus on pulling herself together and to appear as normal as possible.

*inserts kdrama ending credits transition to her personality section here*

personality

♡ rina is the person who just likes to talk, she used to be very open and would even tell someone stuff they did not ask for. she laughs about everything she even finds dad jokes hilarious (she might as well love these kind of jokes the most). she’s quite trusting, tell her that scientist found out that fish can talk and she’ll believe you as long as you provide her some website. besides playing matchmaker for everyone she really enjoys photography (even made couple photos and had these couple photo instagram accounts were she’d post them.....). since that certain event, she has *dramatic vc* changed and bcs she tries to put on an act  and be all happy ad that she sometimes comes across as fake ? also she doesn’t used to go out as often as usual and now only does her tasks at work and after that she just goes home and spends some time alone. 

i want to write more but i’m brain dead rn so if u have any questions pls lmk

here are some basic connections if none of the plots on the plot page work

enemies, bad influence, good influence, someone who wants rina to teach them some matchmaking skills, sibling relationship, friends, ex enemies who are now friends, etc.

[sposp0]

not ed related, just ranting on here bc i can’t anywhere else

i feel so alienated from everyone rn. like fr. and it makes me annoyed at them, even though it’s not their fault, bc i feel left behind.

my sister thinks the stuff i like is boring. i’ve always shown her the stuff i was into so i could have someone else to talk about it with, but she only likes stuff that’s a cartoon/anime or palatable to children. everything else is boring to her. and she’s like my last resort bc no one else likes the stuff i like either. but yk she’s her own person, which is obviously fine, but it sucks that she just won’t give things a chance and when she does she doesn’t seem to value deep themes or good writing like i do, she just finds them boring.

i only have 3 friends i’ve been talking to lately. one of them is a new friend, so i’m not close with him and hanging out with him always gets a bit awkward. so they’re not someone i can hang out with regularly or talk freely to. we only ever talk in person.

my other friend is constantly busy with schoolwork. i feel really bad bc i’m honestly pissed at her. she can never hang out bc she always has missing assignments to do, and then she’s always active online and not doing the assignments, which means she won’t be able to hang out in the future bc she still has stuff to do. this whole year has been so hard for me and i’ve had so many missing assignments so i really do get it, and i really do get not being able to be motivated to do them. but i’m still annoyed, and so i feel bad. we made a deal where i would watch something she liked and she would watch something i liked. i watched her thing about a month ago and she’s still been too busy to watch mine.

and then my best friend. i love her so much and it’s always awesome when we hang out, but again i’m feeling some annoyance towards her. not her fault at all, i just feel distance and i’m scared to be left behind. lately she’s become near obsessed with the idea of her youth. she’s in high school, she wants to take full advantage of this time and make memories. she’s terrified of missing out or wasting time. so she’s deleted social media, doesn’t text often, etc. we only really talk in person. and again, this is fine. i might not think it’s totally healthy to place so much importance on having a teenage experience, but it’s her choice, and she seems to be having fun. so i’m happy for her. but i still use social media, i’m always on my phone, i don’t ever really do much else. so when a couple of days ago she decided to delete her final social media account, i felt a good loss of connection. i can still text her, but so far she hasnt been good at responding (although she may have gotten her phone taken, idk). she’s a great friend but our paths are diverging and that scares me. i want to be able to talk to people without having to be around them- so online- and i don’t really have anyone readily available except that second friend, who doesn’t really share many of my interests & we don’t have very engaging conversations.

i’m totally isolated, all the time. i don’t talk to people anymore. i rarely reach out. my friends are too busy to hang out in person. even my sister is interested in other things. i haven’t felt this lonely in years. i know it’s not the end of the world, and things will get much better this summer and next school year. but for now i’m very much alone and i feel very much like i’m being abandoned by everyone i love. it takes a toll.

[potatoesandsunshine]

truly incoherent late-night ramblings about the mighty nein and pride under the cut. an unorganized stream of consciousness basically. i’m so tired i have so many Thoughts

cad saying tonight that nobody in the m9 is vain (can’t remember if he said “none of us are vain” or “none of you are vain” but i’m going with the first one bc i can’t watch it again till it goes up on yt) really got me thinking because my immediate reaction was “no? that’s not true?” but i couldn’t figure out why exactly i thought that - so naturally i spent the rest of the episode pondering it.

like... the members of the mighty nein are each in their own way juggling a massive load of insecurity and in some cases just pure self-loathing but they’re still very... they’re not vain, but they are proud to the point of arrogance which is just super interesting from a character perspective (just wanna note here this is not a “and this makes x character A Bad Person” hot take or whatever, characters have character flaws and that’s what makes them interesting to me, please don’t come to my inbox saying i hate fjord or caleb or caduceus or veth or jester or beau or yasha because that’s just not the case) anyway imo yasha is currently the only one who hasn’t shown a big moment of this flaw, everybody else has. yes it’s possible i don’t remember a moment for yasha at this second but tbh she’s spent so much time getting controlled by other forces this campaign like :( give yasha a break challenge :( she gets one from this post

early on beau had her kind of rebel without a cause, too cool for school thing going on - to me that’s a kind of pride? like it came from a feeling of isolation and disconnect from the people around her and the structures her life had operated in and also the idea that “i’m the only one who sees how bullshit everything is” that’s (at least in my own experience) a really common feeling in late teens/early twenties. honestly the first moment that shook her out of it was dairon imo (i know that a lot of beau’s change is attributed to molly’s death but i honestly think it started back with that brawl in the warehouse) and dairon has continued to be a (flawed themselves) check against arrogance for beau which is really interesting to me? anyway continuing

fjord’s whole persona that kinda wasn’t a persona during the pirates arc (i’m talking specifically about the captain pursuing his own ends, not about the accent thing) was very much a character based on knowing more about the world than everybody else did, even though i don’t think fjord himself believed it? honestly for all that you can say about fjord i think he’s lowest on the list in terms of pride (besides yasha!! who isn’t on this list!!) bc he’s very honest about the fact that he often feels like he just does not know what’s going on around him. props to that bc it is hard to do.

veth’s biggest Moment of this (and pride just doesn’t feel like the right word but i don’t know how else to capture the meaning, the idea of Knowing Better than everyone else i guess? you know what i mean) that i can think of is the letter to astrid in zadash that everyone screamed about bc caleb was the current fandom favorite sadboi at the time; it was such a big moment of trying to arrange someone else’s life for them that’s like. like it’s a Big Moment idk how to explain it. i think a lot of the responsibility she feels for yezza and luc also relies on the premise that she Knows Best which again is super interesting because it clearly causes her a lot of guilt that she’s not doing Enough for them in her own eyes when it’s like... like... talk to each other... idk idk i have Feelings about the brenattos. Arranging the lives of other people, no matter your intentions, is imo a thing that comes from thinking you Know Better than they do. 

caleb... i so do not want to re-litigate the disintegrate discourse that was imo truly a waste of time last week but i do agree with the idea that caleb’s got ye olde mythological-level hubris. the man has a goal of turning back time to rewrite his own mistakes and like it’s not just a dream it’s a Goal He’s Working Towards which means that either 1) he believes it’s possible for him to do it or 2) he can’t admit that it isn’t possible and he has to live with ‘his’ mistakes (i can’t get into the caleb stuff rn but uhhh it’s not as much a personal failing as you believe it is caleb). both of these viewpoints are like. so dependent on viewing himself as A Power That Affects The Universe instead of someone who is affected by it which is kind of the sentiment i’m trying to get at idk idk it’s late i’m tired

it’s interesting with jester and caduceus for a couple reasons but the fact that they’re both literally blessed by gods is like... like i can’t say they’re unduly proud (i don’t really think that any of the m9 are like unduly proud) because they’re literally made More Important by the deities of the setting from the moment of introduction but we do still see really interesting stuff from both of them imo

caduceus thinks he knows better than everybody else which is something i think we’ve seen from the beginning as well? that’s part of why he’s kind of set himself up as the Wise Councilor of the group (and if you ask me, why he seems unable to reach out for support of his own - all the instances of someone digging deeper into him were instigated by other people from what i can remember right now) and it’s been neat to see him reconciling things he Knows Are Right from his time in the cemetery with a more complicated reality in the wider world. it’s hard for me to say that cad’s arrogant because he thinks he’s privy to the literal divine plan when he is privy to an actual divine plan thanks to the wildmother but i think it’s interesting to see it in the small moments. we saw it more earlier i think? but like this part of his character isn’t Gone. as long as he’s got himself designated as the group moral compass i think there’s an element of this in play. 

and jester ohh jester i love u i’m so sorry everything has been so hard for so long like aaaa imagine you find out your best friend (who is also your god) has been lying to you for all of your friendship and also lying to all of his followers (because it turns out he’s not a god, technically) that’s so hard anyway. anway. i don’t wanna derail into talking about how much i love jester but i love her ok? ok. anyway jester’s current defense mechanism is retreating into the fact that she’s the best follower of the traveler and he loves her the most, because she’s Special (which again, her god told her this there’s literally nothing i can say against it) but we’re seeing that kind of fracture in an interesting way if you ask me? because the fact of the matter is, whenever jester asks a question about ‘the followers of the traveler’ she is implicitly also asking a question about herself (this is why i was so fascinated by her convo with fjord tonight also). it only works for So Long to keep repeating that you’re special when you’re not sure about it anymore oh jester i am so worried about u ohhh :( i am so sleepy but i have so many thoughts

[welcometotheocverse]

🌟 for Elliot pls?

:D aaaah! I’ve had him in the brain a lot lately okay sorry this got long And also im rewatching rn so its sorta season 1ish.

Elliot is Rory’s younger twin. He was given Christopher’s middle name. He’s mostly grateful it was the middle name.

He and Rory are super close. It was just the two of them ( and then Lane) The Twins That Read A Lot. Because they had each other they didn’t have much incentive to make friends outside of each other ( Elliot more than Rory) and extrapolating from the Pilot where Rory doesn’t seem like she has a lot of friends ( or any sans Lane) and is lowkey scoffed at for reading the assignment I’m gonna go with “other kids weren’t that keen on making friends with them either”

Rory’s the talkative one, he’s the quiet one. This is a bit of Rory also being protective of him/noticing when he looks overwhelmed and just...talking up a storm as is her wont and subtly getting attention away from Elliot. For a lot of the early season they’re not seen one without the other ( keeping in mind their arch is to learn it’s okay to have different dreams and even go different places ) 

Sorta shy and a bit more introverted than Rory. Once you become his friend however he pretty much would die for you and his face absolutely lights up when he sees you as opposed to his usual reserved nature and he talks to you albeit not as much as his twin ( unless hes super excited or talking about something he finds interesting then the resemblance kicks in lmao but thats the exception)  its like a switch ( seen with Rory, Luke, and Lane in canon and Sophie/Paige in their xover)

Likes hanging out at Luke’s. They both sorta enjoy... being quiet around each other. Elliot thinks he has a really calming vibe …when Taylor’s not there.

Ms Kim doesn’t like him because he’s a boy so he’s not allowed at Lane’s like Rory is ( honestly the feeling’s mutual bc “I’m pretty  sure locking you up for days and keeping you from school falls under child abuse also wtf” and lowkey the girls are like “lets just keep you not in the house” Lane might be closer to Rory but they still talk music together. She’s part of the reason his music taste actually started deviating  from  Lorelai’s and Rory’s.)

He doesn’t like unfair treatment of other people. It really gets to him. Examples are Ms. Kim to Lane and his grandparents and father to his mom. Later examples are Mitchum Huntzberger, and Marty. ( he’s pretty unimpressed with Marty and how his feelings for Rory make him act in general tbh but what he does with Lucy is just...it really bothers him he’s adamant that  Rory should tell Lucy the truth.)

Highkey  he has about zero patience for bad/toxic parents partly bc of his own feelings about Christopher and to an extent his grandparents that he keeps minimizing so they get projected on...everyone else with bad parents lol.

 Logan’s still a bit amazed that this shy soft spoken kid he met in his junior year went off like “He’s not your fucking property” when Mitchum went on his “You’re available when i say you’re available” tirade ( Elliot was ngl intimidated/scared of Mitchum who pretty much went “Who the hell are you??!” but Logan’s his friend and that wasn’t okay and he kept eye contact with the asshole until Logan diverted his attention back to him/the fight they were having and made sure he at least told Logan afterwards because “but he shouldn’t..” and “he shouldn’t have” and “No! No..it’s not Okay. “)

But also like constantly “it’s not a big deal” when it comes to his aforementioned feelings about Christopher and pretty much anything he might be angry about. 

Lowkey spends a lot of time Rory goes through relationship drama between “????” and “wowww dodged a bullet” Rory throws pillows at him for the latter because “If I’m gonna rant at you El, you could at least give me sympathy.”

He does have some insecurities about his orientation born out of just..f.eeling othered due to isolation and also some stuff he’s heard his dad say.

He figures out he’s asexual before he figures out he’s aromantic and has to deal with a lot of “Are you sure?” and “is that..is that normal?” from some townsfolks before he figures out Luke can scare them off and he lowkey spends a lot of time at the dinner during this time. Luke smiles at him and gives him muffins tho he’ll deny deny deny if you mention it.

A bit more sensitive than Rory like on the pilot episode when he notices Lorelai is worried about Chilton/having to ask her parents for money he stops at the base of the stairs and asks “is...everything okay mom?” and is kinda just in tune with how the people he cares about are feeling/picks up on things like that.

He...doesn’t super like his grandparents because of how they treat his mother.  Emily already made him a bit anxious because of her passive  aggressive nature ( he’s giving me some anxiety vibes tbh) and the fact that he thought the fact that his mom kept them away sorta ominous.  A lot of season 1 is him looking down at his plate and tensing with every “your mother’s golf clubs are in the attic along with the rest of her potential” and Richard’s “he ( Christopher) always was a smart one that  boy, you two must take after  him” and “as a maid with all your brains and talents” and it sorta...yeah he spends a lot of time looking at his plate and swallowing resentment. There are times where it gets better but overall he’s never completely at ease around them. He’s very quiet but civil around them even as he grows some affection and builds bridges with them along Lorelai and Rory. And I haven’t even figured out the fallout with the thing they pull at the wedding.

Emily at least once asked off handedly why Elliot wasn’t seeing anyone and I’m still figuring out if she says something like “that’s not normal” before Lorelai or Rory intervene.

(( Full disclosure Emily reminds me a bit too much of my own relationship with my mom and its really hard to write her favorably though I at least try to be fair. So Elliot is sometimes  a bit harsh on her and very in Lorelai’s corner when Emily and Richard are...less than nice. ))

Sort of a mamma’s boy. Rory and Lorelai have their special connection but so do Elliot and Lorelai. Rory was a bit more extroverted and would play/hang out with Lane while Elliot was perfectly content as a babie curling up with his mom and reading. It worried Lorelai a bit, how hard it was for him to reach out ( she never had that moment she had with Rory and Lane of “my kid has a friend” with him) but he always had Rory yknow so she calmed herself with that. Sometimes when Rory’s with Lane he’ll hang out at the Inn and work there. He somehow got in to Michel’s good graces ( “because you are quiet and unobtrusive”  and got him to teach him French 

Very tactile. When he’s getting nervous Rory will reach out and grab his hand or Lore will put her hands on his shoulder and he’ll calm down. He does the same when wanting to comfort friends or just wanting to show affection ( will lean on Finn and Colin a lot as he gets closer to them or accept that they’ll just throw an arm around him)

Meeting the LAD bridgade kids makes social events with his grandparents so much easier like ohmygod subparties with Logan Colin Finn and Rory  become lifesavers. ( its not so much the drinking as having someone you can laugh with while dodging your grandparents friends and the girl they told to look for you yknow)

He has more resentment towards Christopher than his sister and doesn’t see him with the rose colored glasses Rory sees him in their younger years. His absence hurts him a lot. He hides it well and is nice enough towards him because he loves Lorelai and Rory and wants them to be happy/have a good time but if you catch him on a bad day you might get a rant about how little Christopher knows about them and how little he was there  and “he just drops by, spends like a day with us and leaves yknow...it’s...and we’re supposed to be happy???” and the fact that he doesn’t wanna tell Rory or Lorelai bc he thinks it’ll upset them just  sorta...makes it worse.

And then at some point  Christopher pops off with “and how long are you gonna entertain this phase of his Lore, a boy his age should be dating” and while Rory’s making angry noises and Lorelai’s saying “Outside. Now” ( though they don’t know the twins are listening) he just gets...this thin unsurprised smile and...yeah it’s not great. 

Very supportive of people he loves. He’s constantly telling Rory through the Chilton years that she’s smart enough, more than smart enough to get through this and helps her study. He makes sure he tells Lorelai he loves her or hugs her if he can tell the dinners are a bit hard on her. Honestly a total cream puff. The resentment for his grandparents and father is mostly buried and comes out like when he’s upset/they do something that provokes it. Mostly he’s a really soft boy and kinda soft spoken, loves reading about science and space ( he balances out Rory’s preference for literature and history though they both like poetry and Elliot occasionally reads prose as Rory lets him infodump sometimes about science journals) and loves his friends so so dearly. Will get angry a la Beware The Nice Ones if you hurt them though the first thing he’ll do is comfort them/try to cheer them up.

He loves Stars Hollow but being the only aroace person he knows of there ( and fielding well intentioned “are you sures?” and “oh honey you’ll find someone someday”s and just..alot of early 2000s Star Hollow-ness ( “Hey kiddo you gonna bid on a basket this year?” “oh you’re getting handsome, gonna find yourself a girl for the starlight festival?” “is he..youknow?” is just...a lot? He wants to spread his wings and find his place/people like him/feel less isolated.

He still loves his town though as its his home and raised him his sister and in a way his mother. He visits while he’s at Yale ( the distance helps tremendously as does the ability to just...leave again) like Rory and says hi to Miss Patty and Gypsy and Andrew ( he loves Andrew omg. One of the few people who didn’t just assume he and Rory were always reading the same books) He helps the 30-Something gang find jobs/fine tune resumes  though im not including anything else form ayit and checks in how they’re doing bc..its still his town. They’re his family. “my nuts-o, extended...well meaning but sometimes overly invested and too-pushy-and-slightly-overbearing family.” even as he dreams of getting out a lot and once he does he...really likes it. He loves them

He goes to Yale because Rory goes to Yale (because again the whole Learning To Be Independent From Your Twin...kind of a slow process for him) and gets sibling-adopted by Finn and Colin  in a turn of events he’s pretty much confused over like im p sure they were like “hes ours now” and Elliot was like “im ...you’re...w..what?” and Logan who Knows Finn and Colin is like “don’t fight it” and lowkey adopted him too.

Im cutting myself off bc this got Long and im sorry lol

Thank you so much for the ask <3

send me a ✨ and i’ll tell you about a random OC

[sleepy-sunnys]

Cw vent

I'm actually so done with myself. I'm super sorry for venting the second i get back on this account but I been doing really fucking bad mental health wise and it's been affecting every point of my life and I just cant anymore. I been having missing assignments for the first time in years, i keep forgetting about meetings, im tired no matter how much I speak, i can't to people without feeling like a shitty friend ( oh and when I post a picture one of my irl friends conviniently deletes it to post their pics😁) and I'm just so done. I'm tired of living in my shitty abusive household and dealing with everything that comes with it. I'm tired of myself and my own incompetency. I'm tired of school. I'm tired of not feeling like I'm enough any fucking time.

I'm just having such a fucking shitty time every week. Legit I'm always like oh this week was bad and try to convince myself that it's getting better when it obviously is not. I'm like seriously at my fucking limit and I'm so angry at myself for letting myself get to this point. I just want to be better but I have no idea how. And it's not like i can communicate that to my irl friends bc as much as I love them, i feel so fucking bad whenever I talk about my shit with them. Like a lot of them will just vent over me or like,, make a random joke from like a very serious fucking trauma thing I'm talking about. Like if I'm ranting about how living with my dad makes me have constant panic attacks and want to die don't,,, make a fucking joke. It's hurts so much and I'm just so so done.

And the whole deleting my pictures, it's like one person and they have done it several times and it makes me feel like shit. Like maybe i don't get to be mad bc I'm the one isolating myself bc I'm on the verge rn but like,, it just hurts my fucking feelings so much bc it makes me feel like I'm useless and not worth anything and that I'm being forgotten like what's happened in every fucking friend group I've been. And idk what to do anymore it's so exhausting.

And like i also have to deal with 5 fucking ap classes, abuse, constant transphobia, college apps, trauma, depression, and literally all the other shit in my life. I just don't know what to do anymore or who to turn to that isn't going to pity me bc that's the fucking last thing I want.

God I'm literally so fucking pathetic lmao i m so done .

[ziracona]

I reread your bit about rin in the last chapter and oh my god im crying. You did my girl justice. I'm so proud of her and i'm glad she had fun. I love the thought that she's helping him in little ways. ;') and oh my god. i love the myers siblings. Do you mind if I ask for hcs? because oooohhhmygod. need more

Awww thank you so much! I really liked the Adam-Rin segment too. I wanted to talk about Rin, but being an Onryo made it so I just couldn’t feasibly in the bulk of the story. Really glad I still got to give her her moment in the sun. : ) Adam’s such a great dude too, and I’m so happy he found meaning the way he did and keeps up such an active and deep relationship with someone who’s passed on. It’s not an easy thing to do, but I think it’s kind, and meaningful. And sure! I’m not sure if you mean Laurie and Mikey or Judith too since I got a few Judith asks yesterday, but ima assume this is ILM related and you’re looking for post-fic Laurie & Michael (sorry if that’s not the intended ask TuT). I did more but this is already a lot so I didn’t post them all haha. Here you go!

Laurie would be very unlikely to make the first move in a romantic relationship. She’s so used to prioritising survival, even when she’s okay again her brain is always, “keep homeostasis” as her directive, and adding a relationship does not fall under that listing. That said, she definitely still develops feelings, and would want things to happen. But I think it would be slow. I think with Laurie, she’d be going to lunches and having long talks and drinks and staying up and falling asleep on the couch together, in and out like each others’ presence belongs in their respective homes, come to each other for support and with hard days and for life advice, go to the theatre together and let them buy her a drink like they always do without being asked, brought back a nice gift from a trip, she waits up for them to get home to greet them, for like 1-3 years solid before one day they just take her hand and kind of smile and she realises she’s been in a relationship for two years and they just never said it, and maybe they won’t now, maybe not for another two years, but they know it, and she’s so happy.

Michael never cuts his hair short, but does not mind Laurie making him let her give him ponytails when they’re working on something, because it does get in his face.

Laurie softballs Michael for a while, since, well, she’s trying to help him reintegrate into society as a human being after having had a childhood that was basically just a 15 year stretch of psychological trauma, and being kind and supportive is a must. But after a few years, she’s gotten much more comfortable and sibling-ish in her interactions. She’ll definitely still be serious and supportive if anything happens and he needs it, but she’ll also give him shit for eating her food or not getting up off the bed she’s trying to make. He enjoys annoying her and does it for fun. Will hold eye contact and eat the cupcake she was saving just to watch her flip, like a cat batting an orange off a counter (or, you know, a sibling who’s feeling /that/ vibe rn.)

Laurie is 99% of Michael’s impulse control. If he and Quentin do something together without her, it /will/ be a disaster, because where Laurie inflicts neutral levels of chaos on the group w her lawful, Michael will almost instantaneously get Quentin to swap from lawful to chaos if she’s not there. They will both be fine, but there /will/ be something on fire when she gets back.

Laurie, walking into the house and seeing then throwing objects into a burning wastebasket in the living room: I don’t like what I’m seeing. Bring me up to speed.

Quentin: So, we maybe have illegally destroyed a car—but it’s okay! We had a good reason! Plus, we destroyed the evidence. Let me explain. So, this guy-

Laurie: :/

Michael: *gives her a ‘what’s your problem?’ gesture*

Michael and Laurie physically fight for nostalgia’s sake sometimes (for fun-get exasperated and performatively MMA. They would not actually injure each other).

One time, Laurie and Michael were walking home together from a movie and a guy drove by and whistled at Laurie and said something vulgar, and Michael stepped into the road and smashed the front of his car with his foot. It was beautiful. They did have to flee the scene but Laurie was /gleeful/. The dude in the car saw his gd life flash before his eyes and rethought some life choices.

It is a long time before Michael is willing to take any kind of meds for his psychosis (very understandably), but when Quentin eventually graduates Med school, six or so years later (bless u Jake for forging him some credits), he is willing to try a few given by him. It is not a good or easy couple of months, but he does it.

Michael gets along surprisingly well with the survivors. Most of them are pretty intimidated, but he’s genuinely chill, and they’ve been through weirder shit so 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s like “Welp. This might as well happen.” and accept him in. Meg is a big thot. She’s into Susie and would never cheat and Susie knows this, but Meg will still flirt like crazy with Michael bc it’s her personality, and Michael, who’s never had this ever happen, is /beyond/ confused. Every time she says something stupid like, “Damn you’re tall. If I wasn’t a married woman, I’d climb you like a jungle gym.” He gives her the exact look Sam gives Gollum when he’s dissing potatoes in lotr.

Since she knew his and his family’s whole names and his wife’s face, Laurie tracks down Sujan’s family and tells them everything she can about what happened and how good he was, and what a difference the first person in the realm who was kind to her made.

Michael really enjoys traveling. He’s been cooped up his whole life. Spent 15 years in one little white room, and then 40 in reproductions of Haddonfield in the realm. Really, except for his solo journey from Wisconsin to home, he’s never left the state of Illinois. He goes with the survivor squad on their group trips, once he’s comfortable enough, and is consistently amazed. He’s not a very visibly emotive person, and can’t physically be bc of his psychosis symptoms, but his eyes will get big seeing the northern lights from a platform, and he’ll grab Laurie or Quentin’s wrist & point to make sure they’re seeing it too, and Laurie has never been so happy. After his first trip, he very much looks forward to the annual event.

Dr. Loomis is the only thing Michael as an adult has ever feared. (Obviously all humans feel temporary fear, like if a car comes at you or someone with a gun. But past instantaneous shock-fear, I don’t think Michael has ever been afraid of anyone else). This is based off of canon, because to me Michael reads as scared of him, especially in Halloween 2. He pauses and then retreats from Loomis in the first film, and when he sees Loomis running down streets looking for him in 2, he hides (I actually really love the Michael pov in Halloween 2 in the open. It was very humanising). Then, at the end of 2, when he’s blind and Laurie and Loomis have filled the room with ether, and Loomis tells him it’s over, he stops trying to find and kill Loomis and freezes. I genuinely think because he was scared of Loomis and has been for years (after that treatment constantly in isolation as a child, how could he not be?) and has known since he was 6 Loomis wants to kill him, so when he basically says “I’m about to kill you,” he believes him and it scares him. It’s the axe that’s been waiting to drop since he was a kid.

Laurie goes to cons with Nea, Quentin, & Min occasionally, and has dressed up as all three OG Star Wars protagonists like the lovely huge nerd she is. Has also made Michael sit down and watch all the movies w her.

Michael and Laurie go visit Judith a lot. They’ll pack a picnic lunch and talk with her and about her at her grave. It was very hard the first time they went there, especially for Michael, but after a while, it helps. It’s a way to deal with what was done in the past that makes it seem surmountable. It also helps to deal with the loss of someone they both cared for. When they go, Laurie always gets Michael to tell her something about her older sister she hast heard yet. David tracks down an old high school album from 1963, and is able to get three pictures of Judith colorised and they’re able to have a nice full-color photo of her to hang up in the house.

[fairycosmos]

hello ): I was hoping you could give me some advice? I feel like I keep a lot of things bottled up bc I don’t have anyone close to talk to about it, but I’m starting to think that it’s making things worse. My friends all have other friends that they’re closer to, and I no longer have a close friend group. I feel like if I do nothing, I’ll only become more distant from my friends, but I’m also at the point where I’m not super close with them. So it would feel weird n unfair unloading on them.

:( i’m so sorry to hear that love. my first thought is to point out that it can be hard to maintain friendships with multiple people, especially as things change as each individual grows. consistency is a struggle. more often than not, it’s not even a personal thing, it’s just the natural ebb and flow of the connections we form. some of them remain, and some of them don’t, but all we can do is work with what we’ve got in the present moment. of course, that doesn’t mean it’s not allowed to hurt. i understand that everything feels so heavy when you’re carrying the weight of a pain you just can’t talk about, even more so when it feels like no one cares. but i don’t think it’s a situation you’re always going to be stuck in, and i’m not just saying that. it’s true that avoiding vulnerability lessens the strength of the bonds we have with others. if we never let them in, theres not much to sustain the relationship on. it’s something i struggle with too. and of course there’s different types of friends - ones you party with, ones you go to school with, ones you have the same interests as, ones you just laugh with. but if you’re talking about a generally close group of people, then i feel like it’s a good idea to look out how you can start bridging the gap that has been forming. it’s ok that you’ve been a bit distant from them, that doesn’t mean they don’t want to hear from you. and it doesn’t mean they don’t want to make sure that you’re okay. even if they have other friends, their other friends don’t have your presence - the reason they let you into their lives in the first place. try to flip the circumstances in your mind. if one of them tried to talk to you about smth serious right now, would you just brush them off cause you haven’t seen them in a while? no, right? the same rule applies to you. your well being still matters. after we’ve isolated ourselves for a while, we sometimes start thinking in black and white, and assuming how others feel instead of letting them decide for themselves. i get that it’s easier to confide in those you 100% trust, and i’m not saying you have to bare your soul to every single one of them, but maybe you could begin to reach out to them more and more often. even if you feel annoying, or like they don’t want you around - because i promise, that’s a very common manipulation trick employed by the anxious mind. it doesn’t reflect reality. it can be as simple as asking them how they’re doing, sending a few memes, facetiming them them etc. think about who you’re still closest to and then follow that sense of familiarity until you get to a point where you feel like you can be honest with them about whats going on. i get it though, it’s hard to let yourself rant to someone when you’re scared about the ‘worthiness’ of your presence. it could be a good idea to simply ask them if you can talk to them about something thats been on your mind, and try to let them know that you understand if they’re not in the right mind frame to take on someone else’s emotion’s rn. i know that seems a bit formal, but it’s a good way to make sure everyone is comfortable....anyway, my point is that there are ways to recover what you feel has been lost, and that the people in your life still have love for you even if it’s been a while since you felt it. there’s no rush with this and you can totally take your pace when it comes to rebuilding that foundation of trust/friendship, but please know that it is not a lost cause. and most importantly, know that you are not alone. you deserve to be heard, listened to and given the support you need. if you don’t find it with the people you expect, you’ll find it else where, if you make the choice to seek it. the longer you bottle things up, the more impossible it feels to break the cycle, but it is always an option. if you ever need to talk, please feel free to hit me up and i’ll try to get back to you sooner. take care 🌙

[refroged]

@obiwoman ​ tagged me in this - thank you!! and sorry it took me a little while lol

Are you staying home from work/school? yep! my university stopped in-person classes 2 weeks ago, so i’ve been home for those 2 weeks!

If you’re staying home, who is with you? my family! i usually live with my parents and younger brother, and my older sister came home from Toronto last week because she lives alone and was worried about being isolated for a long time

Who would be your ideal quarantine mate? uuh idk! i love my sister but she’s also extremely “healthy” in a very performative way which is stirring up some of the v unhealthy guilty attitudes towards food that i struggled with when i was younger:( so she’s maybe not the ideal quarantine buddy? i started seeing someone before all of this happened! and i like her and i wish i could see her more rn! not wishing we were stuck together for like, 2 months or whatever though lol! so idk! idk! i don’t think any single person can accomplish what the range of human interaction im used to like, provides for my brain lmao

Are you a homebody? i think so! although its not always by choice! i like a social gathering of the ‘close friends hanging out’ variety, but i appear to have befriended many borderline-frat-bros recently so im lacking in the social engagement that i like best:( so mostly i just stay home. straight people parties exhaust me lmao, and im tired of being concerned about alcohol poisoning or weed-induced anxiety. also don’t know how to ask people i like to spend time with me so moslty! i just stay home!

An event you were looking forward to that got canceled? yeah! i had a poster presentation for a research project the week everything got cancelled, so i was a little disappointed about that! i was also supposed to see a production of paradise lost in late april and also maybe go to paris that week, which are both noooot really going to happen at this point:( AND i was supposed to go over to someone’s place and she was gonna cook for me and i was gonna try to hype myself up and maybe kiss her so IDK!! kinda bad timing lol!

What movies have you watched recently? aaaah recently i watched The Farewell, Okja, and Horse Girl! and i was super late to the party but i did watch The Shape of Water for the first time not long ago too

What shows are you watching? i’m watching Altered Carbon rn! also rewatching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt in the background while i like, brush my teeth or chop onions or whatever lol! i finished rewatching ATLA 2ish weeks ago, and i’m considering a rewatch of LOK too 👀

What music are you listening to? uuh i’ve been listening to a lot of Courtney Barnett the past few days ! i mostly listen to music on the bus and i. am not really on the bus much these days lmao.. i listened to New Order and Spoon in the car the other day as well i think!

What are you reading? mostly stuff for class:( i’m not allowed to read anything else until i catch up on my class reading! i’m making my way through Hanif Kureishi’s The Buddha of Suburbia rn, and i read Coriolanus like 5 times this month for an essay lol. i also found a printed copy of “Crossing Brooklyn Ferry” that i had put up in my cubicle last summer, which is now taped above my bedside table lol so i have been reading that poem a lot, if that counts!

What are you doing for self-care? hmm im cooking more for sure! playing animal crossing! allowing myself to be unproductive, which is something i definitely struggle with! and i am TRYING to drink more water but ooooh my god am i bad at it lol. i also just spent more money than i should’ve on art prints bc im in my bedroom more than ever before and i want nice things to contemplate :)

i’m gonna tag @hale-of-stiles-heart in return! if we’re mutuals (or even if we’re not mutuals!) and you enjoy/don’t mind being tagged in things, let me know (like sincerely! let me know)! i feel bad bothering people out of the blue, but if you want to do this say i tagged you! i really really mean it! or like tell me so i can tag you next time lol