#Abusive parents

[vaor]

things i wish i had known when i escaped my family household and couldn't ask my parents for help

invest in a good mattress early on. there are many other ends you can save on - sleep is not one of them. this is key to how much energy you'll have throughout the day

you don't need a bedframe but you do need a slatted bed base (even if it's just pallets)

opening a bank account is easy

there's youtube tutorials for everything. how to install your washing machine, how to use tools, fixing stuff around the place. channels like dad, how do i? are a godsend

change energy provider as soon as your old deal runs out. you'll get better offers elsewhere and avoid price gouging

assemble a basic first aid kid at home: painkillers, probiotics, alcohol wipes, bandages, tweezers, antihistamine tablets - anything you might need in a pinch

and an emergency toolkit: flashlight, extra batteries, a utility knife, an adjustable wrench, multi-tool, duct tape

set your fridge to the lowest temperature it can go. the energy consumption is minimal in difference and it'll give you +4/7 days on most foods

off-brand products are almost always the same in quality and taste, if not better, for half the price

coupons will save you a lot of money in the long run

there's no reason to be shy around employees at the bank/laundromat/store; most people will be happy to help

vegetarian diets are generally cheap if you make food from scratch

breakfast is as important as they say

keep track of your budget in a notebook or excel file - e.g. rent, phone and internet bills, food, leisure so you'll have an overlook on your spending over the months

don't gamble

piracy is okay

stealing from big stores and chains is also ethically okay

keep medical bills and pharmacy receipts for tax returns

also, file your tax returns early

take up a hobby that isn't in front of a screen. pottery, music, going for a run every now and then, stuff that'll keep you busy and sane

and most importantly... you're allowed to get the stuff you want. treat yourself to the occasional mundane thing. a good scented candle. a bath bomb. that body lotion that makes you feel like royalty. the good coffee beans.

you're free and you deserve to be happy.

[furiousgoldfish]

my mother, right after giving birth: and now... you owe me one. you will spend the rest of your life paying it back. stop crying its annoying me.

[neuroticboyfriend]

Abuse has a goal behind it, and a lot of the time, it's about changing the victims behavior. If someone screams at you for not doing X activity, eventually you learn to do X activity. If someone hits you when you defy them, eventually you learn not to defy them. If someone abuses you frequently enough, and you begin to break down to their will... It is possible to reach a point where it may seem like you're not being abused anymore.

They don't yell anymore because you stay quiet and do what you're told. They don't threaten you anymore because you don't voice even the slightest disagreement or need. What used to be screaming fighting arguments have become lectures at your expense. They may even praise you for doing what they want you to. And all those mundane moments - breakfast, the rare kind act - stand out more. Your perception of the relationship skews even more. It's all normal now.

And it's still abuse. It's just reached its end goal - wearing you down so badly that they don't need to overtly abuse you anymore to get what they want. All they need to do is make a joke, or complain to guilt you, or tell you want to do/not to do, etc. etc. The fact that's all it takes now doesn't make what's happening to you less severe - if anything, it means you're in much, much more danger than you could realize.

It's abuse. It's horrific. It's just not obvious anymore... and that's terrifying. You deserve so, so much better. You deserve to truly be safe - not to have your wellbeing held behind fearful compliance. That's not safety. That's not love. That's abuse. It being psychological doesn't make it less dangerous.

[normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke]

I guess what I'm saying is that if you have abusive parents any level of standing up for yourself will negate all of the groveling you've done throughout your entire life so you should just be a dick to them (if it's safe to do so) and do your own thing forever

[archivesof-mymind]

It is a valid response.

[reachartwork]

first twine short story. about 7000 words across four somewhat minor branches.

reader beware: THIS IS A HORROR STORY. if you complain to me about the gross contents of a horror story i'm hitting you with a brick.

content warnings are in the tags of this post. if you want to go in unspoiled, just click the link. if you encounter any bugs, please let me know. if you enjoy the story and want to see more, please let me know. this is my first time putting anything this visceral out into the world so it would be nice to know if the people want more.

if you enjoyed the story enough to feel it's worth money, there's a "support this story" button on itch you can use, or you can donate to my medical bills and rent and such at https://paypal.me/bstdev. and if you enjoy it enough to share it with your friends, well, that'd just about make my day.

cheers. enjoy the blood.

[traumatizedjaguar]

Two things you needed to hear today:

“You can’t be a good child to a bad parent.”

“You weren’t a bad child, you were reacting to your environment.”

[nothing0fnothing]

Abusive parents using the "well there's no book on raising children" argument when faced with the tiniest bit of accountability from their children is such a wild take to be honest because.. what do you mean you needed a book to tell you that abusing people.. is bad?

Are you genuinely arguing that you had no idea that hitting people smaller and weaker than you is wrong? Not the long term effects abuse has on the developing brain, or the specific types of mental issues it can cause, or how exactly hitting children has worse outcomes in later life. What you're saying is that you had no idea that it was morally wrong to hit people since there was no book saying so. And since you never brought it up till your kids did, you're also expecting them to believe that this book of obvious truths conveniently came out right around the time your adult children asked you what the fuck you were thinking.

Like, you unleashed some of the most vile torrents of emotional abuse you could muster onto a literal eleven year old. You know not to say that shit to your boss, right? You know that when you're at brunch with your girlfriends, or at golf with your buddies, that it's not appropriate to speak that way to them, right? So why would you need a book explaining that it's wrong to speak that way to a child?

It's such a stupid argument because it's essentially saying "I didn't know any better and shouldn't have been expected to learn." But you did know better. The criticism isn't levelled against how few parenting books you chose to read. Nobody was expecting you to become the Albert Einstein of parenting. Just the bare minimum of decency, dignity and respect would have been enough, and you failed.

[queerautism]

Okay fuck calling it no contact I'm gonna say I had a parentdectomy from now on

[furiousgoldfish]

my parents: why don't you already know stuff! how old are you! you have no skills to survive, you'll never make it out in the real world! Nobody will ever hire you!

me, about things I'm interested: hey how does that work?

my parents: don't ask me! nobody cares! you should already know this!

me, trying to learn a new skill on my own: hey i can do this now, look

my parents: THAT WONT MAKE YOU ANY MONEY, and you're horrible at it, what is that, I'll rip it apart! it's ugly and worthless!

me: it's so easy and encouraging to learn and grow in this household :) I am getting all information and support that I need :) I am going to grow into a capable and functional adult :) nobody is withholding knowledge or skills from me :) I am certainly not being blocked from gaining knowledge and skills so I wouldn't run away from this place :) my parents are so well meaning when they paralyze me in shame and cut information off :) this is a normal and loving family situation :)

[daughterofanarcissistwoman]

[copingwithmemes]

[letteriwillneversend]

having parents that are nothing more than unfriendly strangers wearing familiar voices that say familiar things makes you wonder if there was ever any such thing as home.

it makes you wonder what it might be like to have a bad day and have someone you can call or talk to. what it might be like to have someone you can to for advice or comfort. what it might be like to have a shoulder or lap you can finally rest your head on. what it might be like to have a bowl of cut fruit that spells out unconditional love.

some days i find myself looking for home even when i don’t know what to look for.

[vampireink]

I will have a home one day. It will be warm, and it will be safe. It will have large windows so that it never feels like a prison. It will have comfort and light and colours, and there will be joy echoing off of each of the walls. There will be no shouting in my home. There will be no violence, no harsh words, no abuse ... it will be safe, and it will be my home.

[nothing0fnothing]

There are abusive parents who genuinely believe that they are the victims of their children.

They believe that their children "set them up" or "bait" them into committing abuse against them. They believe that these children intentionally provoke them to encourage abusive consequences and they believe that those children in turn use the abuse they provoked as ammunition to report them.

My own mother genuinely believes that I, as an eight, nine, ten year old little girl intentionally baited her into abusing me so that I could justify going no contact with her in my twenties.

It's delusion, it's not rooted in reality and if you're parents are the same you're not alone.

[neuroticboyfriend]

hey. you. your abuser's emotions are not your burden. it is not your fault if they feel angry/sad/disappointed. especially when you still up for yourself. any negative feelings they have towards your reaction to your abuse are their problem, and their own doing. you are not a bad person if you don't try to make them feel better.