#messages to myself

[neuroticboyfriend]

reminders to myself

some things addiction brought me:

involuntary psych unit admission

loading up a sub-q needle with 99 proof liqueur (didn't shoot it, thank god)

going to bed every night hoping i die, only to wake up disappointed

stealing. food, alcohol, drugs, money. but worst of all, time and peace of mind.

the most excruciating pain of my life, throughout my entire body, for hours, because of drug poisoning (coming from someone with severe chronic pain)

being glued to the bathroom floor, throwing up/dry heaving for literal hours

lost control of the muscles that control my eyes. i swear this is much scarier than it sounds, especially when you can't feel yourself breathing and keep going in & out of consciousness

being unable to feel anything but despair, and thinking i'll never be happy again - that i need drugs/alcohol to have emotions.

some things sobriety brings me:

freedom <3

i'm going to be starting testosterone soon! and now i know, shooting alcohol is a yet. i'm only lucky to not have done it.

waking up in the morning, ready for a new day whether i like it or not. i can't even verbalize how great it is to wake up without death lingering over my head.

helping others, giving my friends hope, and being more mindful and attentive to my loved ones.

accepting my chronic pain, and accommodating for myself in public to reduce that pain (yay, rollator w/cushion!)

i can enjoy food whenever i want! no hangovers, no drug toxicity. just me and my comfort/safe foods.

i can feel the cool autumn air in my lungs. i can be awake all throughout the day, without passing out. i'm much more present.

i can feel joy again! i'm starting to do the things i love, i smile all the time when i'm with my friends, i hold my cat and feel the love I have for him. i now know my darker moments will pass. good comes eventually, if i just wait and ask for help.

it gets better :') the little things in life are what make it worth living. a year ago, i would have done anything to be where i'm at now. so i may not be where i want to be, but where I am and where I'm headed is much better than where i was. <3

for anyone struggling, i love you and i believe in you. have hope - hold on, pain ends.

[manyminded]

hey. I dunno who needs to hear this today. but

you are not wrong for getting better. You are not betraying our community. you are not a bad person for trying to prevent others from falling into it. you are not hurting anyone by easing the pain for yourself.

disability is a hard, hard thing. being able to climb up to feeling better, tooth and nail, is an incredibly difficult process. but abled people tend to forget that there is a community here. there is a home to this pain. it has shaped us and our lives. our identities might be forever impacted by that.

you are not forgoing that by healing. it’s okay to get better. it’s okay to work towards being better. you are not betraying, forgetting, or abandoning us. it can be hard not to target yourself or others about this ‘crime,’ but I want you to know that it’s okay.

I believe in you.

[intersexfairy]

i get so sad after i make art and i don't understand why. i guess i just feel like... it's pretty but it's pointless. it doesn't do anything. it just sits there. why can't i be able to get a regular job.

*insert 30 minutes of profound realization here*

...maybe all the other life paths were taken away because i was meant to be an artist. it's all i've ever wanted to do. all i've ever wanted. but society got to me, trauma got to me. i kept trying to be someone i'm not, trying to get a regular job. it didn't work.

i was meant to be an artist. i don't have to try to be anything else. all it'll bring me is pain. if i were able to work a regular job, i'd probably be so unhappy. so unfulfilled, on the inside, no matter if i got a job i enjoyed. i'd just feel a hole inside me. maybe that's what the hole inside me i've been feeling all along is: repressed creativity.

[ex0rin]

i need to remember to change Cap A to Cap Carter in my Rumlow/ Torres fic from a billion years ago so that it works in the What If...? Internship series (this is a note to me, don't worry about interacting it'll be deleted once i've fixed it)

[honestlydarkprincess]

babygirl (gn) maybe your tummy hurts because your breakfast consisted of coffee and anti-depressants

[vizthedatum]

It’s okay if people misunderstand you. You don’t need to explain if you don’t want to.

You’re still worthy, and your truth matters.

Your friends love you for who you are, and they will be gentle with you.

[autonoes]

girl you need to get off your phone

[ellebellelle]

I believe it can be quite overwhelming to see these 'You were not born to be average' messages. I see their intention of giving birth to motivation, however it is about Your needs.

Average is just a measurement, after all, you are the human breathing right now and that is enough in itself. Please remember self-care and self-compassion. All in good time.

[roomselfcontain2]

Tastefully finished and spacious selfcontain apartment in a serene and secured environment with steady light and water, good access to the house,very close to the road.free air condition (split unit) attached to the apartment pop modern console automatic shower

[defense-lawyer]

art requires a little pretension and authenticity. it’s okay to allow yourself to let go of the ironic persona and be sincere, even for just a moment.

[neuroticboyfriend]

relapse is not a moral failure. substance use and addiction are not a moral failure. mental illness is not a moral failure. disability is not a moral failure. you have a health condition. you are struggling. recovery is not mean to be perfect, and if you're not in recovery, surviving is good too. i'm glad you're here, and i hope life treats you better soon. please know this is not your fault. you do not need to feel guilty over your own health.

[manyminded]

If I say life is gonna be okay and good and beautiful enough times maybe I’ll believe it. And if I believe it it’ll be true.

[intersexfairy]

hey man, hey. you're basically just a collection of elementary particles (albeit you posess what we call sentience). what makes you up is the same thing that makes up everything else. everything you love. everything you hate. everything you don't have strong feelings toward, or just don't know about yet. everything you will never, ever know.

you are permanently connected to everything around you. even when you die, the stuff that makes you is going to become something else. and then that'll become something else. and so on. your death will result in life, one way or another.

so, you know: there's never been anything uniquely wrong with you; what could ever be fundamentally wrong about a bunch of stuff? you've never been alone; how could you ever be truly isolated when all that surrounds you and is fundamentally the same thing as you?

also, maybe it's not a case of how much anything "matters." maybe you can just accept you exist, and in some form, you probably always will. maybe just existing and exploring life is enough. what does the heat death of the universe care for anything different?

even so, if existence is meaningless on a cosmic scale (keyword: if), why not at least enjoy it? does meaning really need to be inherent? or can whatever matters to you just simply exist like that, too?

[kxngshxt]

Don’t let yesterday or tomorrow fuck up today. It’s not today’s fault.

[denimdepression]

stop treating tumblr like a skinner box and think of it as your daily correspondence

[fallenangelforestprince]

They don't have time for this

There's too much going on to deal with you, you stupid selfish idiot Think about them for once, they're all going through a lot, and you're going through so little So why does it feel like the earth is cracking underneath me?