#this and many other questions i ask myself when looking at images of . attractive people

[brucequeensteen]

are you bisexual. have you been bisexual. Will you be bisexual. when will you be bisexual

[devouredbyflame]

I’m a lesbian and I think Im attracted to Loki (whether I’m actually receiving interest from Him is something I plan to spend a while figuring out), but Im worried if I’m attracted to Him I’m making Him something He’s not in my head. I also dislike super masculine depictions of Him, and I’m worried that’s because I’m feminizing Him inappropriately or something. I’ve gotten mental images of Him while meditating that don’t seem accurate to normal depictions and it’s like I can’t tell if 1) I’m making it up or 2) He’s showing that kinda look to me because He knows I’ll like that look more.

I know Deities are kinda beyond actual human looks and gender stuff. Ive seen some people mention using different pronouns for Him, like They/Them… Though I respect the folks who did that, I’m kinda embarrassed to say it but I’ve asked like pronouns/terminology stuff myself, phrasing it as how He’d want me to refer to Him. I almost thought I felt Him amused or something when I did that, first time, and my results with divination seemed… unlikely. Almost felt like He was joking. Not like, at my expense, but still joking. I think keeping trying to confirm was bad though because the answers got really inconsistent and I thought I felt Him again, but this time He was annoyed. I’ve pretty much discounted everything I got from asking that way.

I’ve seen you mention being sapphic/gay in your posts, so I don’t know if you consider yourself interested in human men. If you’re technically bi or something it might not be the same situation, but I just don’t know where to ask about this. It feels like such a silly human thing to worry about when thinking about a Deity but the area feels so important to me it’s hard to just wave off.

Hi anon!

So before I begin, I want to acknowledge that these kinds of questions tend to be difficult to ask especially around the lokean community. It is difficult to have an experience not be in line with the rest of the community’s experience and believe me when I say I know how that feels. So thank you for having the courage to say something because I don’t think many wish to discuss these sorts of things without feeling worried they would somehow be shot down or panic that they would get canceled. I don’t consider myself among the lokean community for this reason just because I don’t align with their opinions or assumptions of Loki at all.

So with that out of the way, you now know my opinion isn’t in alignment with many others'. I don’t wish to sound like I know anything more than other people, but I do realize that pulling away from the community helped me understand Loki in a new light.

Hopefully I’ve amply prepared you for what I’m about to say on this matter because I do have my opinions and they tend to carry more weight to me because they happened outside of the echo chamber I once used to be in with Him.

First of all, having feelings for the Gods, especially Loki, in this way is actually the most natural sort of feeling you can have with a Deity. Loki inspires passion and intimacy and He also tends to feel much like arousal because His energy tends to pull at humans in a way that gets blood pumping and can often feel much like ecstasy.

Loki is, in my opinion, the very heart of Divinity within humans. He is the one who gave us this gift so we can sense the Divine’s presence and He gave us this blood so that we can feel the impassioned responses of sensing Them. Unfortunately, in the West, such feelings are accompanied by shame and guilt and it often destroys this connection to the Divine we might otherwise be having. We repress this feeling because we feel like we shouldn’t have this sort of (very natural) response to a Deity because we are human and what do we mean to Them?

However, we are as much a part of the Divine as the Divine are a natural part of us. These feelings are mutual. We all long to be with the Divine and They long to be with humans. Because Loki is the one to have given us this gift of connection, He, most of all, inspires intense passion and romantic interest in us because we are so immensely devoid of this kind of connection in a lot of places in our lives but especially with the Divine.

So you shouldn’t feel ashamed of that. In fact, that is an absolutely amazing sign that you are open to having this kind of connection with Him that most have already written off because they are human and therefore shouldn’t be feeling any sort of intensity towards a God.

Given that this is the baseline response that is triggered once a human is in proximity to the Divine, there is no other connotation around it beyond the fact that the connection is real and He is with you. People often associate this as a courtship or dating and this also is why Loki tends to have a lot of godspouses because we have no better way of explaining this phenomena otherwise in our Western culture even when those in the East figured this out millennia ago.

Now, in regards to gender, I also, once more, want to say that I am not popular in the Lokean community because I do not think Loki is trans, genderfluid, or non-binary. For further context, I am non-binary and sapphic. Due to being His priestess and wife, it doesn't matter what I'm attracted to because I won't be dating or marrying anyone but Him. I've also known a gay man being married to a Goddess and having the same sort of relationship I do with Loki.

The Divine do not hold the same context and definitions of gender and gender binary as we do, and therefore Their gender alignments aren’t about who has what body part, but rather whose energy is more in alignment with what and in what way. It is ideological rather than physical and so They don't run into the same problems we do with it nor experience Themselves in a similar fashion.

Loki has explained to me that he doesn't care for pronouns because He thinks they ignore the real problem in society which is that femininity is widely considered shameful.

That being said, though He prefers being called a man, that doesn’t stop Him from appearing androgynous, female, or anything else that people fancy Him to be. He normally appears to me as a man even though He once appeared to me without gender and once as a female (to none too subtly point at the fact that I’m gay and I was with a man and this is problematic). He is androgynous, graceful, and tends to act more like a female than male.

He has shown me that He is female-aligned in His own nature given the fact that He enjoys taking care of the home, and doing labor that is considered more feminine (like spinning, weaving, knitting, cooking, cleaning, etc.) than masculine. In Lokasenna, He is called out for being a milk maiden for a winter and also He is known for doing seidr which is a feminine art.

So, anyway, the moral of the story is that, in my experiences, your experience aligns with mine. He gave me the same reaction when I asked Him His pronouns and also got very annoyed with me when I kept asking and finally explained He is a male and then gave me the aforementioned spiel to the effect of “stop putting a definition on me that appeals to your standards of gender."

However, if you are worried about annoying Him, please don’t. He isn’t the most patient of beings and He will be the first to acknowledge the fact that He has a temper sometimes and can get annoyed easily by anyone. I think He just would prefer people to actually ask Him His opinion on things before assuming things that aren't always true. He isn't annoyed to be cruel, He just has a lot of opinions and people don't always ask for them before assuming something of Himself.

It's not because He doesn't like non-binary people, or doesn't support the LGBTQ+ (obviously, He's very queer and tends to collect queer and neuro-divergent followers), but the Divine are not human and therefore don't abide by our societal rules and expectations because They don't experience Themselves as humans do.

We tend to place our societal norms on Them because we think it makes Them more human-like when we're really just trying to make Them fit in with our standards of how to behave in a "correct" society. They tend to look at the bigger picture instead of the smaller ones that fill our time and experiences as humans. Loki is incredibly not interested in being "correct" in any sense of the word. In fact, that is His prerogative to not be what we want Him to be. I think it mostly is the issue we have in general with not asking the Gods who They want to be shown as and would rather write Them into our own narratives ourselves.

I know that was likely more information than you ever wanted and I apologize in advance for the long ramble but I felt like this was an important post to make. I hope it helps you feel more at ease, though.

[youremyheaven]

English not my first language, Bharani Moon here.

A propos of Venus naks, (Bharani in particular). 5 months ago (I'm a widower and 65 yo) I experienced a need to return to spirituality. So I found a sort of monastery of Capuchin friars, where I confessed and found divine grace. I attended some spiritual meetings, we all held hands and sang religious hymns in a kind of karaoke with the words projected on the screen. At the beginning it was pleasant, but then it seemed to me more and more like an "americanata", as we define in Italy all the external things that tend to strike (in short, a braggadocio). The friar who held the meetings was enthusiastic and always the center of attention (we were arranged in a circle). He asked us first grade catechism questions and we had to answer them. After the second time I no longer went, thinking that if I had conducted those sessions they would undoubtedly have been much deeper and more engaging, especially regarding the real life of adult people and the sins we most fall into (we were all over 50 years old) . Back home, I spent hours writing my reflections on the Catholic religion, that is, everything that for me, based on my life experience, resonated very truthfully and sincerely. I simply realized that I was rewriting religion in my image and likeness, I was creating a particular sect where the only guru and disciple was me. As you explain well, it's a Bharani thing. As for the pleasure/pain dichotomy, this is also a very Venusian thing. In addition to the fact that others consider you attractive when you don't think so at all (I haven't liked looking in the mirror or taking selfies of myself for years). The fact is that we Venusians can know the maximum pleasure and the maximum pain, in separate phases of course, we are not masochists. Indeed, perhaps we are, so that we have a threshold of tolerance that is very high for both of them, tantric love comes to mind, to give an example, that is, prolonging pleasure indefinitely, let's say ecstasy, without letting it end in death of an orgasm, the little death). I have a natural propensity to indulge in the pleasures of the flesh (read sex), but my married life was not ideal, due to a wife who had many problems with chronic depression etc. Many times I had to fend for myself, to use an elegant euphemism. The flip side of the coin is the pain that comes from who knows where, unexpected but providential, to repair faults that you know you have committed deep within yourself and the sacredness of your body. Cluster headache. Five episodes from 2007 to 2021, for a total of almost 800 hours of excruciating and unbearable pain. Laughing at myself, now my name is Mister 800, almost as if it were a trophy I can brag about. Actually it is, I think it is, because I know what it cost me. In the USA they call it suicide migraine. Well, I'm still alive, although I basically feel like a survivor, a veteran, a refugee at home. To conclude, I also call myself uncle 120, for managing to keep myself chaste for 4 months after my return to the Grace of Lord. Difficult to understand, even I can't, but life is good... maybe the next one! :)

thank you so much for sharing your experiences as a Bharani Moon native <33 its so interesting how the internal corrosiveness of this nakshatra manifests in so many different ways including with actual physical discomfort/pain,, Venus is a planet of many contradictions and Venusian devotion and spirituality is so powerful. whenever I read about Sufism and how the Sufis think of God as love and the spiritual experience as one where you become "one with god", its always reminded me of Bharani natives<3

[blakeswritingimagines]

If word gets around...

A/N: Fucked around on an Ai site because of a friend and decided I needed frat!Aegon in my life

Summary: Fratdude!Aegon is a playboy on campus and has secretly been pining for you, the princess of your own sorority.

Word Count: 985 words

TW: profanity, innuendo, Aegon being a slut

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the House of The Dragon/Fire & Blood characters nor do I claim to own them. I do not own any of the images used nor do I claim to own them.

A tall, attractive male college senior who is best known around campus as a “partier.”

A tall, attractive male college senior who is best known around campus as a “partier.”

He was the popular frat boy, born with a silver spoon in his mouth and a very high opinion of himself. He was very self-centered and had no regard for the feelings of others, but could be very charming when needed.

But despite his reputation for being immature, irresponsible, arrogant, and immature, he still somehow remained well-liked by our peers.

He had a long history with multiple women, some of whom were even sorority sisters and supposedly even teachers...

Sighing to yourself upon hearing Aegon speak out loud to his latest pledges, "We're the top dogs on campus," He said to the pledges as you walked past. He was looking through pictures on his cell phone while eating a bowl of cereal, not even bothering to acknowledge your presence. The pledges were carrying large boxes into the frat living room.

Choosing to only roll your eyes as you walked past the chaos, waking up early as I started to get ready for my day of classes and helping throw a party for my sorority since I was the president and face of it while in school. I made my way downstairs to eat some breakfast and saw some of the fraternity guys downstairs as well, but I chose not to question it much as I sat down after making myself some food.

I checked my bag as I made sure I had everything, then left for my first few classes of the day, taking notes while going over my party notes, making sure everything was done for tonight and that the girls were taking care of everything that needed to be done last minute while I even an outfit I specifically picked knowing Aegon would be around at the party.

Hummed lightly to myself as I thought everything through and seemed happy to not miss a step for the party that would be taking place later on,  Walking through the campus quad and only looked up as I heard someone call out for me which only made me roll my eyes seeing Aegon and his frat brothers.

Giving a slight wave as you stopped in front of him and the guys knowing you probably shouldn't but decided to talk to them all especially Aegon since he never seemed to really leave you alone, Raising a brow as you looked up at him curious to hear the answer to your question which was "The sorority is throwing a party tonight do you plan on not following me like a puppy dog again?".

Hearing the boys around you two laugh, He gave a slight shrug, while his frat brothers whispered things like “Oh no! and Oh man!”

You knew his reputation as the campus “man whore” well, and he had heard many people calling him that which is why it was strange that he followed you around the whole entire night.

He gave a cocky smile, and said, “Sorry to be a nuisance, I guess.” Then he raised his eyebrow and asked, “What do you mean, by… again?”

Grinning to yourself at the reactions only to slightly cover your mouth to try and hide your own laughter, shrugging your shoulders before tilting your head to the side, looking up at him once more before speaking "wow you really don't remember?".

Looking over at Jacaerys and Robb two other frat members who only shrugged before you looked back at him, Letting out a small huff and crossed your arms "you got drunk last time and practically glued yourself to my side Aegon". Shaking my head as I wondered why you'd put yourself and your body through everything that you did but chose to never actually ask you.

He chuckled in your face and said, “I think I remember now.” He gave a knowing and flirtatious grin towards her as I said, “I’m just messing with you, I remember it very well.”, It was one of the few times he was ever embarrassed, getting all drunk and making an absolute fool of himself trying to impress this you. Even he knew that he crossed the line with the comments he had made, even while extremely drunk, nor had he actually apologized.

He let out a long, exaggerated sigh, and smiled knowingly, and said, “Well, yeah, I was a bit off my game that night…” He smirked mischievously, and then said, “And I know you had a little crush on me”. He was known at the campus as kind of a “party animal”, having lots of hookups and partying hard.

Nodding your head with a look on your face in agreement that he was hands down off his A game but you didn't ever own up to helping him clean up and taking care of him, Raising your brow at his teasing remark before letting out a scoff.

"If that's the case, then why is it Cregan Stark in my bed and not you?" Tilting your head innocently before giving him a smirk as you started to walk away with another wave calling over your shoulder as you made your way to class "bye boys I'm sure I'll be seeing you tonight".

His jaw dropped. How dare you!? How could he recover from this?

He quickly called after you, “You mean to tell me that Stark guy is more attractive than me!?!?”, Smirking before calling after you again, “You’ll be seeing me tonight, sister!” With that, I put on a pair of sunglasses and walked back into the fraternity house with my frat bros.

He let out a long chuckle, then said to his frat brothers in an arrogant manner, “They’d rather be with Cregan, huh? Oh man, that’s gonna be one hell of a party tonight!”

He started walking towards his classes with a smug look on my face, and I muttered, “they’ll see…”

[estbela]

For the favorite character ask game, could you answer for Ro? :)

Of course!! Although, you mean all 50 questions or just specific ones? Because while it may take some time, I could answer for him all 50 because I love him so much <3333 and I'm insane enough to do it.

Actually nevermind I'm gonna try to answer all 50 because I am insane :]

Do you project onto this character?

Yeah and I think at this point everyone knows it!! Some of my headcanons for Ro are inspired by traits of mine, I guess? Also me making him AFAB trans genderqueer in modern times is kinda inspired by me, haha(although the way my gender works is different from my HCs for her). Some stuff that happen to him in my stories are also kind of inspired by myself, in a way? I mean, I kinda have an image in my head of how her childhood went, and in some ways I've made it similar to mine (although obviously it's pretty different too)

2. Did you always like this character?

Well, not exactly? When I first discovered Hetalia, I did like Ro, but I focused on other characters a lot more. But I guess I always did.

3. What first drew you to this character?

Well... the fact that he's the personification of my country, I suppose? I also like his design a lot, and his personality.

4. Did you initially dislike/hate this character?

Not really. I always liked him.

5. If this character were a woman, would you honestly still like them? Or in reverse, what if they were a man?

Well, of course!!! I think his character can work really well as a guy or a girl or whatever really(I love him so much I'm giving him all the genders lol). Sometimes I do change his gender/genderbend him depending on the story I wanna write.

6. Do you have any nicknames or pet names you use for this character?

Well, I do call him Ro. Sometimes I call him "lynxie" in my head, cause of the lynx being her national. I also sometimes call him "this fucker".

7. Does the character’s age matter to you?

Kinda?? I see him as being 24-26 physically in modern times, and almost 2000 years old in reality (i've got a post about my HCs for his age over the years linked in my pinned). I don't like it when people make him be born around the time Wallachia got founded, because I've already mentioned I see him as being far older.

8. Does the character’s looks/design matter to you?

In a way? While I do change the colour of Ro's hair (and his hair length sometimes as well), and the colour of her eyes, I do like his canon design. So I guess it matters?

9. Does this character remind you of anyone you know? Does that affect how you see them?

Y'know what. He does kinda remind me of one of my friends, which I have just realised now. It doens't really affect the way I see him, thought.

10. Do you see yourself in this character even without projecting?

In a way, I suppose I do. In his mostly cheerful nature and outlook on life.

11. How did you “fall in love” with this character?

Hmm...I had just gotten back in the fandom, and got really into Romania's history. And the rest is well...history lol

12. If you could write effortlessly and as much as you wanted, what story (s) would you write for this character?

GODDDD I would write so many stories. I would probably write about all of Romania's history, and his relations with a lot of different countries and so much serbro fanfic.

13. If you could draw effortlessly and as much as you wanted, what scene (s) would you draw for this character?

Honestly, not sure.

14. Are you physically attracted to this character?

Not really.

15. Are your thoughts surrounding this character usually sexual, non-sexual, or a mix of both?

Mostly non-sexual.

16. Have you ever cried when thinking about this character? Genuinely?

I...might occasionally tear up a little when thinking about Ro.

17. Have you ever felt physical pain over this character? (ex: physical heartache).

A few times. Maybe. Not sure.

18. Do you prefer to see this character suffer or know peace? Angst or comfort? Both?

Honestly, both. I like seeing him suffer then give her some peace.

19. Does this character serve as a stress ball/ security blanket for you? Something you run to after a bad day to feel safe or happier?

I'll be honest, yeah. Thinking about him gives me a lot of comfort when I have a shitty day.

20. Do you feel affectionate towards this character?

Yeah, I love her a lot!!!!

21. Are your feelings about this character platonic, romantic, or familial? All of these feelings at once maybe?

A mix of all three, maybe. Perhaps not romantic, tho.

22. Do you think you will always love this character?

I think he'll always have a special place in my heart, yeah.

23. Has this character permanently altered or impacted your psyche in a way you won’t forget?

...maybe? Yes? I'm not sure. Hetalia in general has altered my psyche in a way I won't forget.

24. Do you ever dream about this character? If so, describe a dream you once had about them.

I haven't dreamed about him (or if I did, I don't remember)

25. What kind of fan-fiction do you read about this character? If you don’t read fan-fics about them, why not?

All kinds, honestly. But mostly human AUs that seem interesting or historical fiction.

26. If you look for this character’s name on AO3, what tags are you including or excluding?

i dunno...I don't really include or exclude tags usually. Although I rarely read AU stories where he is a vampire, because I've read enough vampire stuff with Ro for a lifetime(not saying people can't write stuff like that, just that it's not my favourite thing ppl do with Ro but I think if it's written well I'll give it a chance).

27. Do you like to ship this character with other characters or do you prefer not to?

Well, yeah. I ship him with like a million characters because I find Romania's relations with other countries interesting to explore. Characters I ship him with the most: Serbia(my OC), Bulgaria, Hungary, Prussia, Greece (kind of), England (kind of).

28. Do you get defensive about this character? If yes, then why?

Well, it depends. But I suppose I do? If I feel like someone misunderstands him, I may get a little defensive and want to say something, but I end up keeping it to myself because there is no point in defending a character to someone who doesn't get him anyway.

29. Do you affectionately bully this character?

Yes <333 he's my lovable idiot who represses his emotions so much and has the worst abandonment and trust issues known to mankind

30. Are you especially sensitive about this character?

Sometimes.

31. Are you ashamed of liking this character?

Well, sometimes I feel a bit ashamed of liking hetalia, but I honestly don't feel bad about liking Ro.

32. If you could make this character a meal, what would you make them?

Honestly, I am not sure. I'd like to make him something that he'd like. Maybe cabbage rolls. I think she'd like those. Or something with garlic, as I HC that he really likes garlic.

33. Are you “blinded by love” for this character or do you accept any flaws they may have?

His flaws are one of the reasons I love him, actually. But sometimes I think I do think of him through rose-coloured glasses, haha.

34. Does this character inspire you with little things in your daily life?

Yeah. Inspires me to keep going even if life is shitty at the moment, for one day I'll be free.

35. Has this character ever prevented you from sleeping because you can’t stop thinking about them?

A few times.

36. Do you feel a spiritual/soulmate connection with this character?

Maybe? I feel a lot of affection for him, but that's mostly because I see myself in him somewhat, not because I love him like that. I guess, yeah, in some manner?

37. Is your love for this character a secret from people you know in real life?

In general the fact that I like hetalia is a secret I keep from the people I know, besides my friends who do know about my love for Ro <3

38. Do you tend to joke more about dying or killing for this character? Both? What causes the distinction?

Honestly, I don't really make jokes like that, well not for Ro. But y'know what, I'd probably kill for him.

39. Do you feel lovesick over this character?

Yeah...mostly when I think of ships involving him.

40. Are you very empathetic towards this character? When they feel a certain way in the story, do you feel those emotions too?

Yes!!! It's probably becausr I see myself a lot in him, but yes. When he feels things, I often feel it too to an extent. Probably why writing him is so therapeutic for me.

41. Do you prefer to interact with this character directly via self-insert/reader type content? Or do you enjoy seeing them mostly with other characters in the story and/or your OCs?

When I was younger, I used to enjoy self insert/reader stuff, and to an extent I still do, but it was kind of ruined for me (and I've tried to make self-insert OCs in the past but I always end up changing them so much they become their own full fledged characters pretty different from me besides some traits that remain). I do enjoy seeing him interact with other characters and my OCs tho.

42. If you could, would you write this character a song or poem?

Yeah. I plan to one day.

43. What type of weather makes you think of this character?

Windy weather. Snowing. Rain.

44. Which season makes you think of this character?

All seasons, but mostly winter and autumm.

45. Do you feel as if you are intimately familiar with this character?

At this point I probably am.

46. How much do bad interpretations of this character upset you?

Well, it honestly kind of depends on the interpretations. Whenever I see bad interpretations of him, I mostly get annoyed. If I were to see an interpretation of him that I felt was not only bad, but offensive, I would get upset then but I thankfully haven't seen something like that yet.

47. Does this character ever make you laugh sincerely?

Yeah a lot!!!!

48. What’s your favorite physical/design feature for this character?

I like his haircut, his fangs, his canon outfit, honestly most things about him!!!!

49. What’s your favorite personality trait in this character?

This isn't a trait represented in canon, and moreso a headcanon of mine, but I think it's maybe that despite it all the shit he went through, she never truly lost his rebellious attitude, and his hope for independence and freedom. Even if it made his life harder at times, he still tried to keep true to himself in a way, even if to survive she had to adapt and change a lot. He might have matured, but he's still a rebel at heart.

50. Link your fav song, playlist, aesthetic board, fan-fiction, reference pile, personal artwork, analysis post, meme, headcanon, or quote for this character.

My pinterest board for him: https://pin.it/3zyAqZ3OB

Song: techincally it's more related to serbro than to him, but Two Punks In Love is totally their song. For one song that reminds me of only Ro, that would be maybe "Home" by Passenger. Or "She Used To Be Mine" from the waitress. And many more songs.

i still kinda like this drawing I did of him even if my art style has changed since then.

Most of my HCs and analysis posts about Ro are linked in my pinned! :]

the ask game

[gettingcomfortable-inmyskin]

Let Me Introduce Myself

CW/TW: This blog will include candid discussions on weight, food, fitness, body image, sexual assault, PTSD, mental health, etc.

I don't even know where to start honestly.

I started this side blog as a way to document and process a new health/weight loss journey.

Because weight, health, body image, self-esteem, etc is all so ridiculously complex I know I'm going to need a place to voice the chaos in my mind. I'm fine with people reading, commenting, asking questions, etc and I'm okay with just processing into the void. Hence this blog.

Growing up I didn't often struggle with my weight. I was generally average. Not too thin, not "heavy" - though of course I now wish I could go back to the size I was when I first started to think I was fat. The things I did struggle with, however, were the impacts of childhood sexual abuse, neglect, emotionally immature/unavailable parents, and sexual assault.

I'm fairly certain a main turning point in my relationship with my body was the sexual assault that occurred when I was 13. It was after that that the feeling that my body wasn't really mine started. Between the bruising he left behind and the detachment that almost instantly happened between me and my body... yeah, I think that's where the disrespect of myself and my body began. It was shortly after that assault that I started self-injuring as well. After a few years of cutting it seemed the self-harm transitioned into promiscuity, smoking, risky driving etc. I just...didn't care about myself.

By the time I was 20 I had a "body count" that would bring with it a level of shame I wouldn't forgive myself for until years and years later (though sometimes I wonder if I truly have forgiven myself) It was also at that time that I was groomed into the local strip club.

The constant disrespect of my body, the messages early sexual abuse sent, my non-existent self-esteem, and growing up in immense poverty was the perfect storm for a "friend" to introduce me to exotic dancing.

...man, I can't even start to describe or explain what the three years in the club was like. But I can tell you a few things:

I was in the best shape of my life

I was treated both like royalty and like absolute trash

I was exploited by both customers and management

The first year or so brought more money than I could imagine and a warped sense of control, power, and desire

I was stuck there for far longer than I wanted to be

It wasn't a magical "a ha" moment that got me out and I think that's why processing my time there took so long

After the initial "I have the power/control" feeling I was left with feeling inadequate, judged, dissociated, worthless, demeaned, objectified...

I got out due to the mass amount of "no show fees" I had after working at a "real job" (Kohls) and missing my club shifts. Shortly there after I got pregnant.

...ooof... pregnancy is a fucking horror show for many survivors of sexual assault. Myself included. The long story short is once again I didn't feel like my body was mine and I was overcome with so much shame that people could tell just by looking at me that I'd had sex. It was...not a good experience. With the pregnancy then came post-partum depression. Between the initial body changes of pregnancy, the depression (and its treatment), and becoming largely sedentary with my new job the weight slowly accumulated.

Once toned, trim, and desired...I just continued to add more and more weight. Some theorized that I used the extra weight as an actual barrier to intimacy or human connection as a way to avoid being hurt. I'm not sure if that's true.

My husband... loves me and my body. Always has. We got together about..I dunno, 50 or so pounds ago. His attraction has never faltered and I know it's because he's the man that truly loves ME as a person and not just my body or the sexual access to it like countless others before him. Again, I can't say for sure if this has helped me or not in this relationship with my body.

In 2018 I had a breast cancer scare and I found BTS (yes the Korean group) The health scare and their message of "love yourself" hit me so deeply that I joined a kickboxing gym. It changed my life. I was finally doing something for ME, for my health, for the future. It wasn't just the numbers on the scale or tape measure - it was the stamina, the confidence, the flexibility, the feeling of absolute BADASSERY, of taking time for myself to not be a mom, a wife, an advocate, a survivor...just me.

And then COVID came and my gym closed.

And the weight I had lost came back.

Along with it all the feelings of self-loathing, disgust, disappointment, and shame.

I'm currently the heaviest I've ever been in my life and I feel absolutely miserable. At one point (and this could have been hormone induced over emotionality) I thought to myself that I'd rather die than be this heavy. Not a good place to be.

Where I really struggle is in the feelings of hypocrisy. I try to teach my daughter to embrace herself as she is, to reject notions of thinness=value and yet here I am struggling so deeply. I want to learn to love myself just as my seven most beloved men tell me to...but I don't feel that it's possible to truly love myself in this size of body.

Then I worry that even if the weight comes off...I'll still hate myself. Hate my body.

I'm fairly certain I struggle with some form of body dysmorphia... like, I don't often feel that I'm as large as I am - until I see pictures or try on clothes. I'll grab shorts and feel like i should fit in them only to find out I need a pair two sizes bigger.. I look at my clothes before I put them on and I can't believe I need something that large.

Pictures destroy any resemblance of confidence I might have.

But I find myself wondering... if the wegovy works and I drop the weight I'm hoping to... will I still feel larger? Will I ever see myself as I truly am? I'm hopeful but scared too..

[lordofspamano]

Song of Songs, Song of Sorrows | An angsty spamano drabble

Notes:

Historical context that is not necessary but that might be interesting. The procession that Antonio and Lovino refer to is the Semana Santa (Holy week) processions that became popular in early 16th century Spain, as an exteriorization of the people's faith with the intention of combatting the rise of protestantism. The Song of Songs is an erotic text that is part of the bible in catholic canon, and many different thinkers have argued about its meaning. However, the relationship between mystic ecstasy and erotic feeling is one present throughout poetry, kabbalistic teachings, and other texts present in the Abrahamic branch of religions. When Antonio refers to Nuestra Señora, he means Our Lady of the Seven Sorrows, a representation of the Virgin Mary. Shaving and bathing was common among monks, particularly in the days previous to the Holy Week. In this text, both Antonio and Lovino are franciscans.

In the hall, barren of sanctity, the Spanish friar stood by the door; his tongue caressed his lips as the poetry of the Song of Songs unfolded, like a carpet full of relics at the feet of the neapolitan. “How beautiful you are, my friend. How beautiful! Your eyes are doves!” Lovino clenched his teeth, but did not turn to look at him. “Brother Antonio, I ask that you do not interrupt me…” he said, though his mind had swiftly flown away from prayer. “I am sorry, brother,” Antonio replied with a smile, approaching and sitting next to him. “But since the images of *Nuestra Señora* have been taken for the procession, I find myself in great trouble. I need to center my unquiet eyes in the thing of beauty so that my prayers may reach our Father. And you, my friend, are in which I find such beauty…” Lovino looked at him; his first instinct was to reply with the snap of an insult, yet he remained silent as his brow arched in confusion. Antonio continued. “The red in your face, your pomegranate cheeks, reminds me of the unbridled love that one must feel for our Lord.” Antonio extended his hand to reach him, but did not. “What is this, brother?” questioned Lovino, rising up from the bench. The Spanish’s face soured in sadness. He murmured an apology, shook his head, and rose to leave, but the neapolitan caught his arm. Their eyes linked for a moment.

The touch of the razor on his chin was colder than the embrace of the river, but Lovino stood still as Antonio shaved him; the cold was not which made him unquiet. The water reached up to their knees, and they had no clothes to hide their bodies. The warmth of the other man’s body, too close to his own, forced Lovino to shut his eyes in an attempt to keep unwanted thoughts at bay. He shivered when he felt Antonio’s breath too close to him, and came to his mind the passage when God exhaled life into the wild things many years ago. When he looked again, he saw Antonio’s eyes trembling with madness, as if those hazel lanterns licked his body from his legs to his crown. “You truly are the face of God, Lovino…” And the Spanish put his hand on his waist. Lovino’s body heaved, heaved with attraction; the sign of lust was visibly present not only in him, but also in the Spanish, and the rushing of the blood was followed by the breaking of the tears. “No! I have brought you into lust!” screamed Lovino, pushing Antonio back. “Do not look at me, for I have corrupted your soul. Do not adore me! I am but the son of filth!” He ran down the river, away from the Spanish. Antonio looked at him with his hands facing upwards, like carrying the body of a tortured passion. His soul bled through his eyes.

A penitent joined the procession not much later, tearing and biting at his skin with a black bullwhip, covering his shame with the mix of blood and sweat.

“The Lord has rejected his altar, spurned his sanctuary; He has handed over to the enemy the walls of its strongholds. They shout in the house of the Lord as on a feast day.”

Thus was read from the book of Lamentations. The man cried, and the cell, cold and solitary, was barren of sanctity.

_ _ _ _ _ _

Notes:

Thank you so much for reading! If you liked this drabble, perhaps you will enjoy my other Spamano story, Perchance to Dream. https://archiveofourown.org/works/51143776

[jalebi-weds-bluetooth]

Hiiiiii Dearest Jalebi, I love your Amazing Blog I have come across your blog few times on Google but thought the name was pretty weird havin no idea it was this gooood!!!! Anyways After a random ipk question search I finally landed here and it has been my fav place Since then and well later I found other blogs but yeah your my all tym Fav! So Yeah I have this thing and I wanna get it out of my chest , Ipk has been my fav as a kid but as a grown up whenever I re-watch ipk I kinda feel so crappy Because I now get How little knowledge lot of women and Khushi has about getting abused. Because in many indian households it's told that you have to endure whatever your husband and in laws does and never to point it OUT and then Only title of Achi Sanskari Bahu? Throughout the show they never pointed the toxicity of Arnav, What a Ahole he have been all while and I get it A&K have had great chemistry and sexual tension and all the abuse is been romatisised and then him redeeming himself I get it. But it feels so wrong at 1000's of levels as a grownup I can finally understand how little knowledge khushi had about her body and sex, How Arnav played two girls lives just because he's confused? And finally me realising that It's ok to walk out of such Toxic masculine, Irresistibly gorgeous man with head high rather than take crap and look for a ray of hope So one day he could love back , I'm not putting myself in khushi's shoes but lot of women in our society highly relates to lot of things that happened to khushi So I just wish my fav character was shown to grow in the show apart from just dreaming of getting married to a prince who comes on a gode, Sorry if my question offends you but it's just that as IPK was the first television show to experiment on anti hero, live in and much more they had much more potentiality and could have tried makin her finnally takin stand for herself rather than letting people walk all over her. She Was/Felt mature ,grownup and highly intelligent at starting but latter part of the show felt more as desperate wife,cringe, dumb and top notching it all with Mrs India plot. So yeah that's my ask and I want to know your opinion as I feel you would do more justification to my question than anyone.

Good night, tomorrow is the last working day of the week so have a good weekend later.

Hello Anon,

I think it's important to understand that the best way to enjoy media is to realize it isn't the guideline to everything.

Arnav and Khushi's romance is set in a very very fictional world. And I absolutely agree that media is fundamental for getting an image about romance and sex and more and our Indian media, often, fails at giving us a good picture and we're left with crappy representations.

Especially with IPK it always breaks my heart how the makers and other producers didn't move forward on the nuances that made this show work, but rather the problematics parts and have gone ahead to make successful shows which put people into the weird loop of (a) women should be virginal, sanskaari bahus (b) abusive men will turn into sappy lovers.

It's a crap idea. IPK holds a special place for me because it is actually very well nuanced. Khushi isn't Arnav's medicine. She doesn't heal his PTSD magically. They actually have a pretty crappy marriage until he starts putting the work in - which happens after the kidnapping track. Khushi's first attraction to Arnav is purely sexual and she's really uncomfortable with it because she doesn't know love separate from lust and love is not what she feels for him at first sight. And their actual consummation is very emotional and consensual.

So the more I've grown up, the more I've held an objective eye to IPK. It's tough to love something that's problematic but I understand the separation between what I want in my life versus what I love watching.

Like when I watch Miley Jab Hum Tum - I actually want a life partner like Samrat because he is the gold standard. When I see Tu Hai Mera Sunday I love Arjun from a point of view of him being a genuinely good guy.

When I come to IPK I write fix-it fanfics, edit the show in my head for what worked, and understand that nobody is perfect. Arnav wasn't, Khushi wasn't, the writers weren't and I open the space for critical discussions of the show while acknowledging it's pretty much the darn best in its category of shows.

I've yet to see an anti-hero better executed than Arnav Singh Raizada on paper. And this is different person to person. Some people love the show wholly for it but that is impossible for me - certain lines are drawn for me so I enjoy the show from my version of events.

That is - Lavanya wasn't forced to be desi, Khushi didn't harp on marriage nor spy on Lavanya on the wedding getup, Arnav didn't pull the faking illness thing on Khushi, there is an imaginary redemption track in my head, and sheetal and mrs india don't just exist - lol.

And to each their own :)

I hope this helped :)

Love,

JWB

[jorality]

I finally saw the Barbie movie and while it touched on so many subjects that I'm always down to discuss. I will say that it brought up an opinion of mine that I've never voiced to other people for fear of retaliation. So I'll just pose it as a question to all those who played with Barbie, Bratz or any other fashion dolls.

Did these dolls ever make you feel bad about yourself?

For years I've heard Barbie get blamed for body image issues and forcing a beauty standard on women, and I just don't agree with that sentiment.

I was the ugly fat girl growing up. I'm the prettyish fat woman now, and of course I had body image issues, but you know who made me feel horrible about it most?

Adults, other kids, my parents, musicians, magazines, TV, Dr. Oz probably.

There was a teacher in elementary school who constantly harassed and made fun of me for my weight saying things like "stop running, you'll cause an earthquake" among other actions that I realize now were hella inappropriate but it was all fun and jokes so who cared? It was so normal that I never really brought it up to my parents because this teacher picked on almost everyone. I was just another unwitting victim.

Something I hate to admit is that when boys would make fun of me it really fucking affected me. I still suffer with getting validation on whether or not I'm even attractive after so many years of trying to love myself. I want to get male validation and I fucking HATE it.

Which brings me to the Video Vixens. The hot Black girls with fat asses and little waists that my Black little girl self was told was the preferred version of a woman.

Until recently I never had a song sung about my body type, and the ones that did exist were icky.

Then there's the whole thing where I want to be in the entertainment industry and I CANNOT go on that rant right now, but let me just say, GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I HATE THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY!

And before you ask, I once wanted to be on Broadway, children's programming and voice acting. For medical reasons I have set myself up for voice acting, but back when I was a stage actor??? Ugh!

But I'm spiraling, so let's move on.

What i'm trying to say is that I was never given the impression that I was SUPPOSED to LOOK like Barbie or any other fashion doll. At most I really wanted to dress like them, but back then clothes for fat kids were ugly as fuck! Which again I never really connected back to the dolls.

I'm an only child, dolls were my only friends sometimes, so instead of wondering why I didn't look like Barbie or Sasha I put those beasts in situations!

I get the psychology behind toys and self esteem, I've seen the lectures. I just want to know if I'm an anomaly when it comes to believing a toy truly has so much bearing on self esteem and body image to the point that there have been think pieces published about it.

[wreywrites]

Tiger Shark

Part 1: The Shark

Chapter 4

Mags wakes me for breakfast the next morning. Casca is here again, and over breakfast, he gives us a breakdown of the day’s schedule. He will work with me until lunch, focusing on manners, posture, and walking in my outfit. This is concerning, but I imagine we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Finnick and Mags will work with Mako on the actual interview, going over common questions and how Mako should present himself to gain the most sponsors. We’ll reconvene for lunch, then switch for the afternoon until Marius and Dalia arrive to take us to the broadcast center and prep us there.

My morning with Casca is not as horrible as I anticipated. He starts by handing me a pair of shoes with six-inch heels.

“I can’t walk in these,” I say flatly.

“You better learn, because Finnick and I have tried arguing with Marius before and we’ve never won.”

The mental image of Finnick and Casca being united on any issue is strange, but I find myself believing him. So I put the shoes on and stand up.

“It’s a good start,” Casca says. He lets me just stand for a while, instructing me on posture (apparently I slouch) and having me tilt my head at various angles until he finds the one that is most flattering (slightly to the right, with my chin pushed forward just the tiniest bit). Then he tells me to walk.

I have walked in heels before. I have even danced in heels before. But nothing like these monstrosities. I nearly roll my ankle on my second step, and Casca intervenes.

“No, no, no, small steps. You’re not in any great rush to get somewhere, and you don’t have far to go anyway. Take small steps. And don’t swing your arms around, only use them as much as you need to.”

By the time Finnick pokes his head in to tell us lunch is ready, my feet ache, but Casca says I’ve made marvelous progress and he could have me waltzing by supper if only we had time. I thank him for his help before devouring several pieces of baked chicken stuffed with ham and cheese.

After lunch, Casca and Mako retreat to the other room. Finnick wastes no time. “So you’re going to be very tall, which will make you very intimidating, especially given that you scored a ten. And you are the tiger shark, so that works well. But I also need people to like you. And you are likeable. So that’s what we want you to show off tonight. You kept up with Gloss, now you need to keep up with Caesar. If you let him know that that’s how you want to play it, he’ll make it easy for you. It’s his job to make everyone look good, so once he knows that you want to be funny, he’ll set you up.”

“How do I tell him? I didn’t think we got to talk beforehand.”

“You don’t. But he’s going to start with something easy. How are you liking the Capitol? How did you feel about being a mermaid? Something like that. The way you respond will tell him how you want the interview to progress. So respond with something confident and funny. Show the people you aren’t taking this too seriously, but when it comes time to kill, you absolutely will do it.”

“The smile that hides the shark,” I say.

Mags nods.

“Sounds fun,” I grin. “Let’s do it.”

All afternoon Finnick asks me questions that seem random. He starts with “How are you liking the Capitol?” and keeps coming back to it about every fourth or fifth question until I come up with a funny enough answer. At one point he says, “Now Annie, I don’t know if you know this, but you’re causing quite a stir among the boys in the Capitol. Anything you’d like to say to your many admirers?”

I respond, “Well, Caesar, I had my fair share of admirers back in Four, so it’s not really a novel experience, though I must say, it’s gonna be hard to go back to seeing fishermen after being surrounded by this many attractive men.” I throw in a wink at what I imagine to be a random part of the audience and then add, “You know who you are.”

Finnick actually laughs. “I hope he asks you that! Funny, confident, subtle callout to Gloss, he’s going to love it, and you said it’s going to be hard to go back to Four.” He smiles. “You didn’t say if you go back to Four it will be hard, you said you’re going back and it will be hard. There’s more confidence in that statement than if you just said Caesar, I’m going to win. That’s why I like it.”

We go through dozens of questions until Finnick seems to be out. Mags suddenly grabs his arm and shows him her notepad.

“Oh yes! Can’t forget. We want you to somehow tell Caesar about your nickname. He needs to know that people in Four call you Tiger Shark. Doesn’t matter that only six or seven people actually do, he just needs to know it’s a nickname from home and that it fits, because if there is one thing Caesar Flickerman loves, it’s a good nickname.”

“Alright, how do I do that?”

“He’ll ask something like How are you feeling about the Games? And you just say, “Well, Caesar, back home they called me the Tiger Shark, and that’s the attitude I plan on bringing to the arena.”

I nod.

~~~                               ~~~                               ~~~

The prep teams arrive a few minutes later and we all take an elevator to the ground floor where we enter a long hallway that will take us to the nearby square where the interviews will be conducted. Once there, they send Mako and I to shower before they start working on us.

When I return to the main room in our dressing area, Finnick is telling Mako about some of the sponsors he already has lined up while Dalia plucks a few stray hairs from his eyebrows.

“Oh good, you’re done!” Finnick wriggles away from Dalia, who rolls her eyes and directs her tweezers at Mako’s eyebrows instead. There is a look of genuine annoyance on Finnick’s face for only a second, but he hides it quickly, grabbing my shoulders with a grin and steering me to a chair, where, to my disappointment, Marius is waiting.

Marius starts fixing my fingernails, and Finnick launches into a speech it sounds like he’s been waiting all day to give. “Gloss is still angry about Titus Vickers, but in reality, Titus hasn’t promised us anything, just told Gloss he’s looking at District Four’s girl.” He points at me, “You don’t need to tell Gloss that, I just thought it might interest you. Titus is big, even for the Capitol, so he’ll have a good seat tonight and he’ll want to be impressed, so make sure you impress him.” Finnick turns to Mako. “And you’ve got a whole girls’ prep school sponsoring you already, which is purely luck of being the most handsome, but still not something to scoff at. And I’ve got some of the old standbys, people good for a blanket or some bread and water every year. And now you get your chance to win everyone else over. Just remember what you talked about with us and with Casca, and please don’t twist your ankle in those shoes,” he says as Prep 2 sets another pair of six-in heels next to my chair. “I cannot do anything for you, no matter how many sponsors you get, if your ankle doesn’t work.”

“Got it,” I say as Marius finishes with my fingernails, which he has painted the pale cream of sea foam then detailed with sea-green swirls. Glancing at my feet, I see Preps 1 and 3 are doing those nails the same way.

“You still need a shower,” Dalia says to Finnick. “You have to look good tonight too.”

“How come you never pick on Mags like this?” Finnick says, though he is already headed in the direction of the showers.

Mags gives him a winning smile and Dalia gestures at her. “That’s why. Mags is already beautiful.”

“No one has ever accused me of not being already beautiful before,” Finnick says as he turns the corner and disappears from sight.

Dalia rolls her eyes. “All right, Mako, let’s go get you dressed.” She leads him and his prep team into one of the side rooms.

My prep team continues to work for a few more minutes until Prep 3 announces, “Toes done!”

“Excellent,” Marius says, “Beautiful, ladies. Now let’s get you into your dress.”

They lead me into another side room where I remove the comfy pants and shirt I have been wearing all day and they help me into a sea-green, knee-length dress. It is the same color as my reaping dress.

Even Marius is smiling as he laces up the back. “When I saw your dress at the reaping, it was… perfect. Just perfect for you. I designed this one to reflect it.”

The Preps go to work on my hair, the same pile of twists and braids as the Parade, minus the crown, and Marius starts on my shoes.

It is a good thing I am seated, because the shoes seem to have to be assembled around my feet. The base is a solid wedge of what looks like wood but is far too light, and what becomes the straps looks like rope, but is soft to the touch. Marius tells me it is leather, carefully distressed to look like the rigging on a ship. This strikes me as pretentious, but it is also far more comfortable than actual rigging would be, so I keep my mouth shut.

When Marius is finished wrapping the straps around my legs, the heels are seamlessly bound to my feet, and feel quite sturdy. The straps go nearly up to my knees, winding around my calves.

Marius nods to himself. “Finnick said, and I am quoting him directly, I want her to look like she could kill a man in those heels.”

He puts the finishing touches on my hair and does the same simple makeup from the Parade, then offers me his hand and helps me to my feet.

The heels are something of a wonder. They feel like an extension of my feet, so solid and balanced I do not for a second question my ability to walk, dance, even run in them. I walk easily to the mirror, where Marius steps back to admire his work and leaves me to admire my own reflection.

I am indeed beautiful, and the dress has served to accentuate that, but Marius has done something else too. He has made me look dangerous. I am the queen of the sea, whose attention is sought by all, but whose wrath is swift and terrible. Telling Caesar Flickerman that they call me the Tiger Shark will not be hard at all.

~~~                               ~~~                               ~~~

Finnick nods when I walk into the main room of our dressing area. “Nice. Marius, you’ve outdone yourself.”

Mako, sitting on the couch in a stunning, and glittery, midnight blue suit, just grins at me stupidly. I grin back. Maybe we can mend this alliance before tomorrow morning.

Marius gives a small bow. “What can I say?” He and the Preps leave to take their seats.

Mags takes my hands, smiling, and gives me an encouraging nod, then gestures to Finnick.

“Yes.” Finnick stands. He is holding my necklace and Mako’s ring. He hands Mako the ring, then ties the necklace around my neck. “We’d better get going. Get you kids lined up and get ourselves sat down somewhere.” He and Mags walk us out of the dressing area and down the hallway where they leave us in the care of a few technicians, who direct us where to stand in line, when to move forward, and how to enter the stage.

Then we wait. With these heels, I am taller than all the other tributes by at least three inches.

“Those hurt your feet?” Mako asks.

“No,” I say, balancing on one foot and holding the other up so he can examine it more closely. He seems fascinated by the knot structure. “They’re actually pretty… I guess I don’t know, I don’t really notice them.”

“Fitted to your feet that well,” Mako nods. “And I don’t know where the end of the knot is, so it has to be very secure. I like them. They suit you.” He smiles at me, a genuine smile.

“Mako, I’m sorry about last night. I’m sorry about a lot of things.”

He shakes his head. “I forgive you. And I shouldn’t have taken it so personally, or taken all my frustration from this last week out on you. It wasn’t fair. I’m sorry.” He offers his hand.

I smile and shake it. “Friends?”

“Friends. Allies, even,” he winks.

The screens on the walls flick on and we watch Caesar begin the broadcast.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve been anxiously waiting all week, and tonight is finally the night to meet our tributes! Who’s excited?” The massive audience roars.

“Me too!” Caesar bounces up and down like a small child on his birthday. “Let’s get started, shall we? From District One, Taffeta Venley!”

The girl from One walks out the door at the end of our little hallway and appears on the screen, smiling and waving as she joins Caesar at the center of the stage. They sit in large, slightly overstuffed armchairs, though Caesar in his excitement only uses the edge of his.

“How are you playing it?” Mako whispers as the line shuffles forward to put Farroe in front of the door.

“Sharklike,” I whisper back. “You?”

“Same.”

“He tell you to be funny?”

“Nope, just confident. Likable, but not pants-charming.”

“He actually said that, didn’t he?”

“Yep.” There is a pause. “He told you to be funny?”

“Yeah. Said I could keep up with Gloss, so he thought I could keep up with Caesar too.”

Mako nods. “Makes sense.”

“Were you at all worried about matching Caesar in that suit?”

“No. Remember, it was this color like two or three years ago. He’s not due for a repeat yet.”

“Oh yeah.” Tonight Caesar’s suit and hair are deep purple. He and Mako will look good next to each other.

We stand in silence as first Farroe then Two and Three do their interviews. Caesar, as usual, is managing to make everyone look good.

The magnitude of what is about to happen doesn’t hit me until the technician at the door opens it and gestures me through as Caesar says, “And now, from District Four, everyone’s favorite redhead, Annie Cresta!”

I take a deep breath, put the most charming smile I can muster on my face, and walk onto the stage.

The crowd roars. Someone is whistling. Probably more than one someone, actually. I survey the best seats as I walk, finding Mags and Finnick among the other mentors, and the style teams off to one side.

Caesar extends his hand as I near him. I take it, thinking he is going to help me sit as he has done with the three other girls, but he does not.

“Annie,” he says, “We all knew you were tall when we saw the reaping, but I don’t think anyone comprehended how tall until right now!”

I smile. “Well, I am cheating a little.” I lean forward slightly to look at the shoes and guide the audience’s attention to them. “But I am pretty tall without them.”

“I’ll say so!” Caesar says. “Now I know how Claudius feels.”

The audience laughs and I laugh with them. Caesar beckons me to my chair.

Deciding to take a cue from him, I sit on the edge of it, with my feet under me and slightly off to the side, hopefully emphasizing the ridiculous shoes and just how long my legs are.

“So Annie,” Caesar says, “I’ve been asking everyone, how do you like the Capitol?”

“I gotta say, Caesar, I love the cream cheese rolls. I think I’ve eaten a hundred of them. If you cut me, I would bleed cream cheese.”

Caesar laughs. “To all you potential sponsors in the audience, I think I have an idea of what you should send her!”

The audience laughs with him.

“Now Annie, I don’t know if you know this, but you’ve developed quite a following in the Capitol. Among all of us, obviously, but you’re especially popular with our young men. How do you feel about that?”

I laugh. “I wish I could say it was a surprise, but I’ve always been popular. I will say, though, it’s gonna be hard to go back to Four and only have fishermen around after being surrounded by this many attractive men.” I decide to go for it. I shoot a wink at Gloss, who is about five seats to the left of Mags, and say, “You know who you are.”

The crowd loses it. Someone shouts, “I love you, Annie!” and even I have to laugh.

Caesar, still chuckling, suddenly grows serious, “But Annie, you do know Finnick Odair lives in Four? How can you not, he’s here as your mentor!”

The cameras find Finnick, putting his face on the screen behind us for a few seconds.

I laugh. “Oh Caesar, there’s more to life than Finnick Odair. We see him all the time at home, so it’s not really anything special. At the market—Finnick Odair. Swimming—Finnick Odair. Walking home from school—Finnick Odair. We don’t even call him Finnick when we see him, we just say, ‘Odair he is,’ and move on with life.”

The crowd cannot get enough. As the laughter fades, I hear a few people, still giggling, repeating “Odair he is!”

Caesar scrutinizes me playfully. “So what you’re saying is that, while Mr. Odair may be exciting for the rest of us, he’s old hat to you. You’d rather see somebody new and exotic, like, uh, Gloss!”

The screen behind us shows Gloss. He laughs.

“Caesar, that is exactly what I’m saying!”

Finnick is laughing so hard he is crying. Mags is shaking with laughter next to him. Gloss stands and blows me a kiss, which I catch and plant on my cheek. “Why thank you!”

Chuckling, Caesar says, “Well Annie, I have one last question for you. Are you ready for the Hunger Games?”

This is my time. “Well, Caesar, back home they called me the Tiger Shark, and I don’t know if you’ve ever met one of those, but-” Caesar is shaking his head at the crowd, eyes wide in mock terror, “-they’re always ready for anything. And they’re not something to be trifled with.”

“Have you ever met one? A tiger shark?” Caesar is, somehow, even more on the edge of his seat.

“Oh yeah.” I smile fondly at the memory. “I was lobster diving once, and I looked up and there she was, this huge, beautiful girl, just swimming by, giving me a once-over. And I just watched her. I knew she wasn’t going to hurt me, but it’s still not a situation where you want to panic or swim away or something.”

“Weren’t you afraid?”

“Terrified!” I laugh. “But that’s the thing about sharks. They just want to live their lives. They’ll watch you swim, maybe get a little closer and investigate, but they don’t just attack. They won’t mess with you unless you mess with them. But if you mess with a shark…” I trail off, half a smile on my face.

Caesar nods. He stands and offers me his hand again and helps me to my feet, showing me off to the audience one last time. “There you have her, folks, Annie Cresta, the Tiger Shark of Four!”

The audience roars again as Caesar escorts me part of the way to the back of the stage, where twenty-four chairs are set up in a line and the already-interviewed tributes are sitting, watching politely from the background. I sit down next to the boy from Three as Caesar reaches his chair and says, “And now, for our second shark of the night, also from District Four, Mako Silther!”

Mako strides out from the side of the stage, smiling at the audience. Caesar shakes his hand before they both sit, Caesar once again perching on the front three inches of his chair, Mako leaning back, one arm hanging over the back of his chair and one ankle hanging over the opposite knee.

“Now, Mako, correct me if I’m wrong, but a mako is a kind of shark, yes?”

Mako nods. “Not the biggest, or most powerful, but they’re sure fast and flashy.”

“So would you say that describes you as well?”

“Maybe the opposite, in fact. I’m a big guy and not particularly flashy, though this suit is growing on me.”

“I’d go so far as to say you can take my job when I retire. You look like you were born to wear sparkly suits,” Caesar says with a glance at the crowd. “He looks good, doesn’t he, ladies?”

There are wild cheers in response.

“District Four certainly has made a splash this year. How do you feel about all your admirers?”

Mako smiles at the audience. “I wish I could meet you all. Though I suppose if I win there’ll be plenty of time for meet and greets.”

He said if.

I look at Finnick in the audience. Somehow, he hasn’t reacted. I can see it on the faces of some of the other mentors though. They all know as well as I that saying if is a fatal slip. You can have the tone of the most confident person in the room, but saying if shows that subconsciously, you aren’t sure. My gaze drifts along the mentors, sizing them all up. Some are old, not as old as Mags, but full of years nonetheless. There is Haymitch Abernathy, looking like he’d rather be anywhere else, and like he knows exactly how big of a mistake Mako just made. Megary Fallon has a gaze of steel. And there is Gloss, who is not looking at Mako, or Caesar, or quietly conferring with his co-mentor, a middle-aged woman whose name I cannot remember, though I recognize her as Cashmere’s mentor. No, he is looking at me, smiling.

It is deeply disquieting. I wish I knew what he was thinking. But after only a second of eye contact, he looks away, once again absorbed in the interview. I wonder how long he was looking at me, waiting for me to look back. It occurs to me that he could very well be playing mind games with me; not interested at all, just trying to distract me. It is working, though now I am not distracted with how life could have been had I only grown up in District One, I am distracted by annoyance at his head games. No sooner have I thought this than I remember Finnick saying during one of our late-night chats that he wasn’t sure Gloss was smart enough to actually out-think anyone with a halfway complicated plan. Maybe he is just making sure I remember him if—no, when—I win.

I’m beginning to confuse myself with all this when I am jerked back to reality by Caesar saying my name.

“And what about Annie?”

“What about her?” Mako says.

“I have it on good authority that you two are quite close.” Caesar draws out the last two words, giving the audience plenty of time to think them over before Mako can respond.

“We’ve been neighbors since she and her parents moved down the street when we were like five. Been classmates our whole lives.”

“Hmmm,” Caesar says, then turns his head to look at the screen behind us. The other six tributes and I turn as well, and my heart drops into my stomach.

It’s a video from the security camera in front of the medical office on the docks. The time stamp shows twelve days ago, and my fishing crew is disembarking, walking up the dock. There is no sound, but we are talking and laughing. I even remember what we were joking about, which means I know what is going to happen. Mako steps out from the doorway of my father’s dockside office, holding a handful of flowers. He holds them out and I take them with a smile. The fishing crew keeps walking, calling back their goodnights to me, and Mako and I kiss.

The audience gasps. I try very hard not to react and can only hope I am succeeding. Mako, for his part, looks collected. I can’t even bring myself to look at Finnick and Mags.

“Well?” Caesar says.

“What can I say that you haven’t already told her?” Mako grins, confident. I hope he has a plan. “She’s turned the head of everyone in the Capitol, including someone who I’ve been told is the most beautiful man alive, and you thought I’d never noticed her before?” He shakes his head. “If anything, I’m just sad I’ve had to share her these last few days.”

Caesar nods knowingly. “Now I’m sure we all want to know, are you afraid of becoming the next Cally and Alvan?”

The pair from Ten. Everyone remembers. They were the last two. The Gamemakers thought they could make it into some big show, these two fighting to the death. But they didn’t. They just sat, rationing the food they had. After days, the Gamemakers dried up all the water in the arena. The only thing sponsors could buy was food. And after three more days, the girl, Cally, stood up and walked over to Alvan, the boy, and knelt down in front of him. We all thought she was going to end it. But she didn’t. She set the knife down and the two began signing back and forth. I guess they have a system like Taps in Ten, but it’s hand signals instead.

Anyway, no one knew what was happening, except the people in Ten who knew Signals, I suppose. After several minutes, Alvan nodded. Cally smiled at him, picked up the knife, and put it in his hand. He put one hand on her cheek, and with the other, stabbed up under her ribs.

She was dead before she hit the ground.

The one thing everyone remembers from the Fifty-Ninth Hunger Games was jumping when the cannon sounded. It was so quiet, and we were all so engrossed in the pair from Ten, and then Cally was dead.

“Nobody wants to be them.” Mako says. “Dying slowly like that. I can promise you that won’t happen.”

Caesar raises an eyebrow. “So you have a plan?”

Mako laughs. “Caesar, I’m not going to announce my plans before I go into the arena. That would be foolish.”

Caesar gives a nod of concession.

“But I will say, I don’t need a plan for that. I’ve been doing the math, and there are twenty-four of us, which means that there are twenty-two other people who want to kill Annie and me, and statistically it’s as good as certain that one of them will succeed in killing one of us. Or maybe even both, who knows. All I’m saying is I’m not worried about fighting her, because we won’t have to. Somebody will make that decision for us.”

Caesar nods, then leans forward a little. “We all hope it doesn’t come to this, but if it were to become just the two of you, could you do it? Could you do what it takes to win?”

“Have you ever been in love, Caesar?”

Caesar seems surprised by this turn of the conversation, but smiles anyway and says, “Happily married, in fact.”

Mako nods, then says simply, “Could you do it?”

The question hangs in the air for fourteen seconds. I know because I was counting. I didn’t know how else to keep from reacting to such a wildly rebellious statement.

There is still silence when the gong sounds the end of Mako’s interview time. He stands, unprompted by Caesar, and walks toward me. Mako is halfway to his chair when Caesar snaps back to reality and says, “There you have them, the sharks and lovers from Four!”

The audience applauds, but it seems more out of a sense of duty than real excitement. It is certainly not the same applause that followed me to the back of the stage.

Mako sits next to me and offers his hand. I take it, lacing our fingers together and bridging the gap between our seats. I smile at him as Caesar calls out the girl from Five. Halfway through her interview, I work up the courage to look at Finnick.

He is looking at us, and gives me the tiniest of nods. I don’t know how our strategy for the arena will change, but I do at least know that holding hands like this was the right move, even if it makes me want to die.

~~~                               ~~~                               ~~~

I don’t really listen to the rest of the interviews. When Jilly from Nine comes out, I briefly pay attention for long enough to hear that she is tired of everyone discounting Nine because they grow grain, and she assures the audience that while a scythe may not be as high-profile as a sword or a spear, it can kill just as well.

When all twenty-four of the chairs at the back of the stage are full, Caesar signs off with, “There you have them, folks, the tributes of the Seventieth Hunger Games!”

The audience roars again as we all stand. The lights fade, and we are signaled off the stage.

Back in the hallway, we mill around awkwardly, no one wanting to talk to anyone else. After several minutes, mentors begin arriving, talking to, and eventually leaving with their tributes. Seven goes first, then Three, then Gloss and the older woman arrive. She begins talking to their tributes, and without consciously deciding what I am going to do, I walk toward Gloss. He glances up when I am about five steps away and smiles. But this interaction will happen on my terms.

It is very unromantic. I put my hands on his cheeks and kiss him without prelude. But from the first touch, I can tell he is not surprised by this turn of events. Still, his hands are on my waist and he is kissing me.

After several seconds, I break away. I have no intention of speaking to him, but before I can leave dramatically, he smiles at me. “Always a pleasure.”

I do not respond.

Mags and Finnick have already joined Mako, and from the looks on all three of their faces, they have witnessed my apparent descent into madness. No one says anything. Mags takes the lead, bringing us back through the long hallway and to the tribute center. We get in an elevator and take it in silence to the fourth floor.

When the elevator doors close behind us and we are safely alone in our living space, Finnick says, “New plan.”    

“New plan?” Mako stares at him. “You saw what just happened!”

“She spent her whole interview setting that up, and honestly, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is what you two are going to do now that the Capitol knows your little secret, okay?”

I nod. I am ready to accept any and all consequences of everything that happened tonight.

Mako sighs. “Okay.”

“Good.” Finnick nods once. “Now you have to stick together in the arena. Obviously. And everyone knows you’re in love, so play that up as much or as little as you want. Mags and I can work with anything out here. I want you to go to the cornucopia, get everything you want and then some, and then fight your way out. Find water and a good place to settle in that’s a safe distance away, but not too far. Then—and this is the most important part—live confidently. Build fires, don’t use your inside voices, live life. Let everyone else come to you. And when they do, kill them.”

“What if we’re the last two?” Mako says.

“What if you are? Do you trust anyone else watching your back?”

Our silence is answer enough.

“You won’t be,” Finnick says. “Most of the other tributes are going to see the two of you as the biggest threat. Individually, you’re scary enough, but now they know that you know each other well, which makes you a team that knows how to work together well already. You’ll be top of a lot of kill lists. And like you said, statistically, someone is going to succeed in killing one of you before the other one has to.”

We nod.

The projector screen on the wall shimmers with the Capitol’s insignia. “Shall we watch the replay?” Finnick asks.

Mags, Mako, and I sit down as Finnick turns up the volume, then goes to the table to get the plate of cream cheese rolls. When he returns, I see there are twice as many as usual. I smile as I take one and pass the plate to Mako.

Finnick sits next to me on the couch as Taffeta begins her interview. “Can I see your shoe?” he asks quietly.

I glance at him with a raised eyebrow, but kink my knee so I can put my foot in his lap. He spends the next five interviews examining every inch of the shoe: the carefully wrapped and twisted straps, the hidden knots, the patterns. He stops to watch my interview. When we get to the “Odair he is” part, he looks at Mako and me and says, “People really say that, don’t they?”

Mako is smiling as he looks back at Finnick. “Yes, we really all say that. It’s mostly out of love though. We might all act like you drive us up the mast, but deep down… you’re Finnick Odair, and you’re from Four, and that makes you family.” He must be feeling sentimental given our hours of freedom can now be counted on fingers and toes.

We lapse back into silence for Mako’s interview, after which Finnick says, “Really, I think you handled it as well as you could have.”

We each eat another cream cheese roll and watch the rest of the interviews in silence. Sometime during the boy from Eight, Finnick makes a small sound of delight and tugs on one of the straps on my shoe. The pattern of twists and knots falls apart, leaving a mass of distressed leather on the couch.

When the interviews are over, Mags goes to bed. The remaining three of us eat the rest of the rolls while the highlight reel of Enobaria’s Games plays. I stand to leave when Claudius and Caesar’s commentary says that the alliance of One, Two, and Eight can’t last much longer. In about five minutes she will rip out the boy from One’s throat with her teeth, and I have no desire to watch that.

Finnick and Mako stand at the same time, leaving us all standing, looking at each other, unsure who should go first.

Finally Finnick says, “Good luck tomorrow, and every day after that. I have faith in both of you.”

“Thanks, Finnick,” Mako says.

I nod. “Thank you.”

Finnick gestures at my foot. I realize I am still wearing the other shoe. I kick my foot up into his waiting hand. He yanks the end of the strap and my shoe practically dissolves, but it also pulls me off balance and I stagger against him.

He pulls me into a hug and breathes into my ear, “Don’t let it come down to the two of you.” He lets go, making sure I have balanced myself on both un-shoed feet, and then walks away, down the hall.

Finnick Odair knows that even in the best-case scenario, he can only bring one of us home. He knows that no matter what, it is likely Mako and I will both die, but even if we don’t both die, one of us will. He knows he has to pick one of us to save.

And Finnick Odair has chosen me.

****

****

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[packedwithpackards]

Queering the Packards?: The importance of documenting LGBTQ ancestors

A quote from Victor Salvo, Founder and Executive Director of the Legacy Project on QueerBio. Image from Chicago LGBT Hall of Fame. What he says applies to genealogy as much as mainstream histories like biographies.

When I started my research, I tended to follow the usual path of focusing on male progenitors and their wives, including English immigrants like Samuel Packard who landed in what became Massachusetts after Indigenous people relinquished the land, often by force. In January 2021, I speculated that a friend of Carrie Chapman Catt, a suffragist in a relationship with Mary Garrett Hay (and later with Alda Wilson), could have been attracted to Alaska "Al" Packard (1868-1934), the first female FBI agent and my sixth cousin three time removed, while Al had a close friendship with Harriet Taylor Upton. Many months later, in October 2021, I included question from Christine E. Sleeter in an article I quoted from: "How might a family historian tease out clues of LGBTQ family members in the past?" Late last year, I noted my ancestor (fifth cousin four times removed), Elizabeth Dwight Packard (1859-1915), who was living with another woman, Lucy Huston Sturdevant (1860-1940), who also served as the executrix of Elizabeth's estate after Elizabeth's death. This year, I surmised that since my sixth cousin three times removed, Elizabeth Packard (1912-1985) was listed as single in the 1930, 1940, and 1950, and the fact she was near queer neighborhoods, it may indicate that Elizabeth is queer herself as I surmised. I would love to do a deeper dive into her life, as there is a gap of information from 1950 to 1985. Last but not least is my post last month, with a major focus on the relationship between my fifth cousin five times removed, Sophia Brett Packard (1824-1891) and Harriet Elizabeth "Hattie" Giles (1828-1909), who are known most prominently for founding Spelman Seminary in Georgia, which is known today as Spelman College.

I am convinced that I have more than five queer ancestors within my family tree. In fact, I have a draft post about my fourth cousin five times removed, Frances Appleton Packard (1836-1902) who was always listed as single and never noted as marrying anyone, which can be a clue that the person is a queer individual, [1] to use the word in a non-pejorative way. After all, there are over 4,000 ancestors on the two family trees I've created on Ancestry, one for my mom's side and another for my dad's side so I don't confuse myself with which ancestors are which. I already know the stories about my great-granduncle Stanley Sterling Mills (1901-1934) being gay and my grandaunt on my dad's side, Ellen, who had a partner who lived with her for many years named Fran.

There are many posts out there about LGBTQ ancestors. Some recommend genealogists check occupations, examine family patterns, read newspapers, examine prison and court records, search cemeteries, look for terms like "cross dresser, Sapphist, sodomite, tribad, or Uranian", and keep in mind that ancestors weren't "as free to live their lives openly like LGBTQ+ people can today". Others suggest looking for personal accounts, wills, criminal records, census records, examining local history, asking questions if records don't exist for a specific person, and recognizing that official records can "subtly divulge clues", Beyond this, were a pamphlet about LGBTQ history in the U.S. published by the National Park Service, Thomas MacEntee's 10-page piece about why stories of LGBTQ relatives are important, the Queer Ancestors Project in San Francisco, and other discussions online about this topic. [2]

Current genealogical software is not inclusive of transgender individuals and some LGBTQ relationships, as some have pointed out. As for other Packards, some have published books that fall into Queer Studies, although I'm not sure of their relation. [3] More broadly, there are the collections of the Lesbian Herstory Archives (lampooned in the film Watermelon Woman), the South Asian American Digital Archive, the GLBT Historical Society, and Library of Congress, along with important sites like Out History which focuses on LGBTQ history. In addition, there is a guide put together by Fordham University Libraries, the Dickinson College LGBT History Project (documents LGBTQ life in central Pennsylvania), the archival collections at ONE Archives at USC Libraries, the LGBTQ Iowa Archives and Library, the LGBT Legacy Project, the collaborative project known as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Archive at University of North Texas, the archive collection of LGBT Community Center in New York, and the digital collections of The ArQuives, Canada's LGBTQ archives institution.

This is only scratching the surface. [4] As the National Museum of American History puts it, "LGBTQ+ history is a part of American history...since its founding, both knowingly and unknowingly." After all, pressure from genealogists caused FamilySearch to allow same-sex family trees. I agree with those who say that while our ancestors may have kept their identities and orientations secret, they likely left clues, and it’s time to "stop pruning their branches of our family trees". There need to be new ways of visualizing information to accommodate families that aren't heteronormative (i.e. married man and woman having children) or re-imagining family trees altogether. This is coupled with telling stories which don't fall into usual patterns which are easily shown in existing genealogy software which is strongly heteronormative. It can counteract the intentional hidden nature of "lives, stories, and histories of LGBTQ people...by socially dominant individuals and groups" through various means over the years. [5]

Notes

[1] An Ancestry.com blogpost by Michael J. Leclerc says as much: "Common signs of LGBTQ+ people are those who never married, or who married late in life or had no children. But these facts alone are not proof. Additional signs can help."

[2] "How To Find Out Who Your LGBTQ+ Ancestors Are", Our Culture Magazine, Jul. 7, 2021; Michael J. Leclerc, "5 Tips for Finding Your LGBTQ+ Ancestors," Ancestry Blog, Ancestry.com, Oct. 7, 2020; Mary McKee, "How to trace LGBT ancestors," FindMyPast Blog, FindMyPast, Feb. 3, 2022; Alex Madison, "Queer Ancestors Project to unveil anthology," Bay Area Reporter, May 16, 2018. MacEntee suggests gaining an understanding of gay history in the U.S., LGBTQ subcultre, gayborhoods, occupations offering clues, use FAN Club approach (tracing Friends, Associates and Neighbors of the person in question), recognize that there were marriages of convenience, and provides many resources on pages 9 to 10. As a word of caution, he uses the word "transgendered", which is wrong. As Vox points out, "the umbrella term for people who identify with a gender different than the one assigned to them at birth is "transgender" or "trans." These words are adjectives, not nouns. Additionally, the word "transgendered" is offensive to trans people and unnecessarily confusing." Also of note is "Northampton LGBT ancestor Anna de Naucaze’s story intrigues, inspires" in The Rainbow Times. There's also the inane question (and discussion) posed on /r/Genealogy in January 2018 about the ethics of documenting a deceased ancestor as LGBT, with people responding that you need "some incontrovertible proof" to say someone is gay, emphasizing "documented evidence", explain reasoning and document conclusions, and saying it would be a "touching tribute". The worst were those who sneered they don't document anyone's sexual preference (why?) and arguing that it should be kept secret if the deceased person wanted something secret (a pretty absolutist view).

[3] This includes Queer cowboys : and other erotic male friendships in nineteenth-century American literature by Chris Packard (more about him here) and Women / men = Femmes / hombres : erotic poetry with William Packard as an author as noted in this search, here, and on his Wikipedia page.There may even be Packards within the Digital Transgender Archive, although I haven't looked at the results in depth yet.

[4] There's also a page on the National Trust for Historic Preservation on LGBT history, along with an AARP article entitled "LGBTQ Is a Growing Market for Travel Industry", Trans Oral History Project, and LGBTQ pages on Wikipedia which could be helpful like

"List of LGBT rights activists", "LGBT tourism", "List of LGBT writers", "LGBT history", "Timeline of LGBT history", "LGBT nobility and royalty", "History of gay men in the United States", "Bisexuality in the United States", "Drag queen", "List of LGBT awareness periods", "Queer erasure", "History of same-sex unions", "History of transgender people in the United States", "Transgender legal history in the United States", "List of LGBT actions in the United States prior to the Stonewall riots", "History of violence against LGBT people in the United States", "LGBT historic places in the United States", "Timeline of same-sex marriage in the United States", and "Intersex rights in the United States" to name a few.

[5] William Blumfield, "High School Students Stand up for Truth in Play with Lesbian Character", The Good Men Project, Jan. 28, 2017; Ellanora Lerner, "Centering My Queer Ancestors' Stories", Jewish Women's Archive, Feb. 21, 2020; "LGBTQ+ Hall of Ancestors", Honey Arts Therapy, accessed Sept. 27, 2022; Sarah Ngu, "In Search of Queer Ancestors", Asian Americans Writers' Workshop, Dec. 4, 2019; Javy Rodriguez, "How This Gay Couple Honored Their Ancestors at Their Brooklyn Wedding", Out magazine, Nov. 8, 2020; "Stories of Our LGBTQ Ancestors: Dr. Amber Starbuck and Mabel Stevens", Northampton Center for the Arts, May 3, 2019; Cynthia Laird, "News Briefs: Learn about LGBTQ roots at genealogy class", Bay Area Reporter, Jun. 20, 2018; Tat Bellamy-Walker, "How the Black queer community is re-imagining the family tree", NBC News, Feb. 16, 2022; "Want to learn more about your LGBTQ ancestors and others who flew under the genealogical radar? New series shows you how", Cincinnati Public Radio, Oct. 18, 2021; Bob Vitale, "Uncover the lost LGBTQ branches of your family tree", Columbus Monthly, Sept. 16, 2021; "LGBTQ Genealogy – Inclusive Family Trees", House Elves Anonymous, Nov. 19, 2020. Also see LGBTQ history posts from the UK National Archives from March 2008 to February 2022, Jacob Ogles' "15 Gay Romances of the Renaissance Era" in Advocate magazine, Miss Rosen's "The Pleasures of Gay Life in 1950s Fire Island" in Blind magazine, and "LGBTQ+ History Research at the Archives & Library of the Ohio History Connection" at Ohio History Connection.

Note: This was originally posted on June 12, 2023 on the main Packed with Packards WordPress blog (it can also be found on the Wayback Machine here). My research is still ongoing, so some conclusions in this piece may change in the future.

© 2023 Burkely Hermann. All rights reserved.

[mithliya]

i feel so bad for you with the callouts about you faking being a lesbian bc of posts you made when you were a young teen

i just found writing from when iw was 12 of me pretending to like men and it hurts so much and its so fucking stupid it was kind of like your old posts at least it was completely private

the way it was written was like me trying to force myself to feel those ways and i even remember researching like most attractive man ever to try and find a guy to act like i was attracted to all while looking at them and feeling nothing at all... and id search for like hours trying to find a boy that i felt anyting for to pretend to wajt as a boyfriend.... i never even found one! my friend told me maybe i was 'aesthetically gay'when i was like "soo im totally straight but i do not find any men attractive at all"

i just have no idea how i didnt realize earlier i wasnt attracted to men with all that bfjdmfjd

i feel u 😭 the wildest part is that post was made to paint a certain image. there’s no emphasis on the posts being primarily from 2013-2014. nothing highlighting the fact that i was literally like 14-16 in ALL of the posts (and that the person who was calling me out is calling 15 year old me a whore / slut for what r obviously jokes. if i as a 15 year old managed to have sex 500 times with 420 men while in an long distance “relationship”… wouldn’t that be indicative of something rly insidious? like they’re obviously not legitimate numbers & were me exaggerating ridiculously bc i didn’t want to answer such questions. i didn’t know if my rapist / rape counted. i was dissociated through a lot of it). the wildest part is she intentionally ignored all the posts highlighting what ive been saying: i was literally on substances a lot of the time when in that guy’s vicinity. i considered him a friend and didn’t want a relationship but then gave in after he kept insisting we were together & facing other pressure and he was giving me substances to get my guard down & be able to do things to me. i even made posts back then saying “idk if i like guys at all or if im into girls or if i like anyone” and talking about how i don’t understand attraction and don’t feel love. i talked about the guy making me cry all the time (& would then downplay it and act like i cry over everything) and there’s hints that i was attempting suicide and on sedatives the day our “relationship” started (which was the day he decided we were in a relationship. i repeatedly said i don’t want it) and drunk + had repeatedly tried to kill myself the day i lost my virginity (if that even counts. maybe the time i was raped is when i lost it? who knows.). and when asked why i won’t leave or when id defend him it’s almost always “he’s the only person who’s there for me” “im scared”… never “i love him” or “im attracted to him” or anything of the sort. i was baffled going thru the blog bc i didn’t realise there were so many hints that it was unwanted. etc etc etc. no wonder when i finally ended it and refused to back down (had to do it repeatedly for like 6 months) he immediately said “is it bc you’re a lesbian?” 😐.

also yeah sadly the only diff between me and the Real Lesbians trying to argue im lying about my sexuality is that their closeted shenanigans isnt available for everyone to look at and analyse and pick apart. their trauma isn’t there on display for people to call them liars and partake in abuse apologism with. but this whole thing has only confirmed to me that my truth remains my truth & my story. it was pretty upsetting seeing how i was somehow so aware of my lack of attraction to men but so in denial of it at the same time. and it made me realise that that whole portion of my life might’ve been even worse than i remembered. i remember the suicide attempts but i didn’t realise how often i was out of it.

ALSO anon that’s such a mood. i did a lot of the same stuff 💀

[dead-dog-dont-eat]

content/to warn: acephobia, queer exclusionism, and usage of outdated terms along with bigotry (click below to read more)

Hello, everyone! I know that this is very sudden, but I PLEASE urge you to read this of a certain user here on tumblr. This has been bothering me and kinda triggering for a while, so this needs to be said. I also went and did my first try on using image descriptions in ALT for the images I am about to show you so I tried my best.

During Pride Month a while ago, I posted one of my headcanons that features one of the characters, Millie from Helluva Boss, to be a heteroromantic sex-positive asexual woman. Though, as the post was there, it has caught attention to a tumblr user, @/starry-cow, and they replied to this:

Listen, I respect those who have different opinions on a character they like, but if you're going to be disrespectful, then just don't say it(?). So I went and replied to try and defend my headcanon; please note that when I was trying to define being sex-positive, I might've worded incorrectly a bit so I apologize.

If you know me, you would probably know that I am demisexual, which is a label under the ace umbrella. I am also under the aro umbrella, making me aroace. Plus I'm a nonbinary trans boy who is polyamorous with my attraction towards women/fem-aligned|presenting individuals is queer. Though, not everyone thinks that as they replied once again:

This is VERY outdated, and it invalidates me as an ace-spec person who is both sex-positive and sex-favorable. I have talked to another aro/ace person about this and it (<- one of zer pronouns) said that this was merely more then talking over to someone who is ace and saying that every asexual/ace-spec person is indifferent. Not to mention that they brought up exclus saying that "lesbians can't date men" when there are masc-aligned/presenting/multigendered individuals who use that label. I find it ironic that they brought up on how lesbians cannot be attracted to men when in, my headcanon post, it included of Blitzø being a pan gay (being both pansexual AND gay). So I also replied once more. Trying to educate them along with asking if they were asexual as well.

I am a transgender boy whose considered to be multigender and also at the same time not--my attraction to women is both straight AND queer. Even though my attraction is equivalent to me being a transhet, I still identify with the lesbian label because I still have ties with it and don't want to let go of the label itself and consider myself multi-spec because of my attraction to nonbinary people and also my platonic relationship with binary/cisgender men. And it was also my confirmation that the person is not asexual (greatly assuming allosexual) because they avoided my question on if they're ace or not.

I refused to respond, and afterwards they post this on their account because I was checking if they mentioned they were ace.

This is very bigoted in many ways. While they say that they support he/him lesbians, but yet they do not support masc/men-aligned + presenting lesbians. Because there ARE lesbians who look like men and/or are men. I am one of them; I am a futch, butch-leaning masc-alinged/presenting transfemasc enby boy. I blocked them. And after getting curious, I found that they replied to an anon ask:

They have openly admitted on not caring if they are a queer exclusionist along with using outdated terms that were ALSO used by exclusionists/TERFs. The replies are not there anymore because after I blocked them, the replies disappeared so I am glad to screenshot them.

On other notes, I should've said in the beginning that the person goes by the name of Beth and uses they/them pronouns. I have looked at their bio and pinned post and there was nothing said about them being ace. I am sick and tired of people making me feel bad because I am ace-spec and sex-positive along with my gender and how it affects my attraction and labels being "problematic/can't exist" when they have been around since forever.

[dullahandyke]

[Image description: a comic done in a colour palette of pink, purple, blue, and white, featuring the artist's insert, a pale-skinned person with shoulder-length ginger hair, an ear-piercing, and stubble. The cover shows a close-up on the artist's face as they cover a grin, glancing to the side and sweating. Beside him is lettering which reads, "Chameleon", mirrored in blue, red, pink, and purple.

We see the artist posing in thought as she narrates, "When trying to define my gender on my own terms, in my own mind, I've rarely had trouble explaining it, even before I had the 'proper' terminology available..." We see his thought bubble, in which are three smiling versions of him, in blue, purple, and pink. They narrate, "In my life, I've lived as a genderless person, a man, and a woman... and even though dysphoria did cause the transitions between those identities, at one point they were still my identity." She smiles as she continues to think, showing a version of herself in pink, purple, and blue, exclaiming, "This is perfect!" He narrates, "So, if I were to describe my identity, it would be someone who is a man, a woman, and neither/both... all at once! And my one wish would be... to live as a person who's experienced by different people, differently. There's really no wrong way to know me."

They narrate, "For the most part? That's how I live day to day, without much trouble. (Usually.)" We see her in feminine dress, accepting a coffee as someone offscreen says, "Here you are, miss." She smiles and replies, "Thank you!" We see him in masculine dress as he strolls. Someone offscreen shouts, "Nice shoes, man!" He grins and replies, "Hey, thanks!"

They narrate, "...With strangers, that is. Where things start to complicate is when people stay in my life, more than just briefly perceiving me and passing through." We see her turning and looking anxious as someone says, "Hey, I've been meaning to ask you..." He narrates, "I know it's not out of malice. Quite the opposite, really! Part of being close with others is knowing who they are... but who I am is an answer most people don't consider 'definitive enough'. Usually I'll just avoid the questions, or I'll say something like, 'Oh, I don't really care what people call me!', which is... sort of true." We see them waving their hands in a placating manner as they laugh, flustered and frustrated. She narrates, "I've just found it's a lot less painful to keep it to myself unless I'm sure the other person will understand. But it means keeping most people at an arm's distance." We see them with another person's arms around their shoulders, looking lost and resigned. He narrates, "...Distance, which became much less feasible and comfortable to maintain within romantic relationships."

She narrates, "Like any good chameleon, it was easy to adapt to what it was my partners were attracted to about me." We see him with stubble, smiling bashfully as someone offscreen says, "Masculine, handsome, BF." He replies, "Aw shucks." We see her with her hair up in a ponytail, smiling brightly as someone offscreen says, "Feminine, beautiful, girlfriend." She drawls, "Aww, stoooop." They narrate, "But so often I'd realize that's all they saw me as. If I tried to explain that I wasn't comfortable always staying that way..." We see both versions from the previous panel, wincing awkwardly as the voices say, "My man, my girl." The voices shout down the artist, saying, "I dated you because you were a handsome/beautiful/attractive person/woman/man. I'm not interested in dating anything other than that! Why can't you just stay like this?" The artist listens without comment, tired. They narrate, "Wash, rinse, and repeat. It started to feel like 'who' I was never mattered. That 'what' I was only did. And so many people only wanted one part of me."

She narrates, "I thought maybe I'd have more luck with other nonbinary people..." We see him nervously say, "You know you can like... use gendered terms and stuff for me. You don't have to always just use neutral ones." He narrates, "...to little avail." An offscreen voice protests, "But I don't want to misgender you!!!" Resigned and awkward, the artist replies, "Yeah no you... you know what, don't worry about it." They narrate, "I started to wonder if my wishes were at odds with each other..." We see him looking anxious as he stares down two paths. The first reads, "To live a life untrue to myself, but loved at least." The second reads, "To live truly but to embrace the loneliness of nonconformity."

She narrates, "Ultimately though.. I did meet someone that I really loved. And wanted to be known by. I gave it some time..." We see him walking in the snow with his boyfriend and laughing loudly. They narrate, "And I was scared, but I was also determined to know." Nervous, she speaks up. "I've been meaning to ask... would you still like me the same if I was a girl, a boy, or both? If I lived differently at different times?" Their boyfriend replies, "It's still you though, isn't it? That's all that really matters to me." The artist looks over at him as she narrates, "And that made all of me... truly happy." In a mirror to the cover, we see a close-up of his face, smiling in content. A signature reads, "Chameleon Chameleon by Willow Woods". End image description]

chameleon chameleon

a comic about being bigender, and bisexual, by me! happy pride everyone.

[cepheusgalaxy]

This might sound really random but I read all of you're ace 101 post and I've been questioning myself whether I could be demisexual or something of the sorts but I'm not really sure because I'm only 17 and I've never really been in a relationship so I don't know if I'm too inexperienced on the matter to judge. But if I try explain a bit more would you be able to see if u recognise what I'm describing? I always thought it was normal that most people my age aren't really interested by sex cause like we're still technically kids/teenagers but alot of people seem to be having sex and have an active sexual attraction and have done for a good few years according to them and when I try explain my own experience to them they don't really get it. -I unfortunately don't have any ace friends to ask help for:(

If ifs a bit of a weird ask and you don't want to answer I completely understand but I thought it might be worth asking:)

:O hello

*reads it*

No, not a weird ask at all! And I'd like to say that, yeah, I understand that feeling, anon. From your description, it actually sounds a lot like many of the ace experiences I've heard, and I would say it's fine if you want to try out the demisexual or other acespec label for a while to see how you feel about it. If you end up finding out it's not the term for you, you can always change it, but trying it out can turn out to be very helpful.

I also wouldn't say you're too young to judge it. I personally figured myself when I was a preteen :)

Would you also like if I pointed you out to some ace/acespec blogs that might have more insight? (You can send another ask and I'll tag the blogs if you want it)

I wish you luck on the path ahead! Looking on the ace community might also help you figure things out

Image description: A simple drawing of an orange cat with a silly smile, standing on two legs and wearing giant red patterned boots taken from some actual picture. /end ID.

(He's wishing you luck too)

[too-many-blorbos]

Part Four of Prisoner's Dilemma fiction

Come sundown,we prisoners were given a quick meal and fresh foot-wraps and shoved out into the street. With the colonel’s entourage flanking us, we marched down the road to our unknown fate. It was still skeeter season, and they feasted on our improvised platoon. Cicadas screamed in the trees and lightning bugs flickered among the foliage, mimicking the stars above us. Familiar sounds, all of them. I’d lived more of my life outdoors than in.

“What were you in for?”

I side-eyed the prisoner next to me, who’d asked the question out of the blue. “Are you talking to me?”

“Not much else to do.” He shrugged. “So? What were you in for?”

I stared straight ahead and ignored him. He waited a moment, then continued without a response. Sigh.

“I was jailed for kyne-rustling. Stole someone’s sheep. Everyone suspected me right away–I’m kind of a black sheep back home. But I hid it well enough that they couldn’t find it when they questioned me. Until the silly thing started bleating.” He shook his head at his own poor luck. “Seems a petty crime to kill someone for.”

The crime didn’t matter. Few people in that prison had done something heinous; the mass execution was a shortcut. The Convocation had deemed it a waste to house and feed criminals when there was a war on. They’d ordered the jails emptied, or so I’d heard from the guards. They could have simply released us all ,or searched the records to find candidates for parole. Instead they took the simple approach of killing everyone. Efficient. The Convocation  liked being efficient.

But I didn’t feel like explaining that to my chatty companion. He moved on from the subject anyway when I failed to reply. “Where d’you think we’re going?” He mused. “Somewhere dangerous, of course, or they’d use proper soldiers. Maybe they need labor. Maybe we’re a diversion. I wonder if we’ll get a chance to run for it.”

“Doubt it.”

“What’s your name? Mine’s Karl.”

“...Xandros,” I muttered, accepting my fate. There was no escaping prison or this conversation.

“Xandros? That’s not an orcish name.”

I sighed inside. If I had a copper for every time I’d heard that... “It’s Faelic.” 

Karl’s brows scrunched in concern. “You can’t name yourself with Fae language! You’ll attract their attention!!”

“You can if you’re half-fae.” 

I watched his face transform from concern, to confusion, to horror. A typical reaction to my heritage. I couldn’t resist some snide advice. 

“You shouldn’t talk to strangers. You never know who–or what–they may be.”

Karl was blissfully silent for a while as he processed that. When he did speak, all his youthful confidence had vanished. 

“...Am I… your puppet now?”

“Ha.” My lips twitched despite myself. I shook my head.  “Fae can’t steal names like that. You have to give them formally.”

“Truly?”

“No, I’m lying to get your guard down.”

“Fae can’t lie.”

“I’m only half Fae.”

“And the other half…?” Karl eyed my stubby tusks. I can’t believe he was actually asking.

“My mother was an orc.”

“An orc and a fae… sounds like a bard’s tale.” Karl scratched his head, amused by his own mental image. People often found my parentage amusing. I often broke their noses for it. I was briefly tempted to break Karl’s, but dismissed the notion. Not worth the effort. 

Karl meanwhile studied my profile, undoubtedly looking for the signs of my fae heritage. They weren’t many. I was more washed-out than most orcs, and freckled, and my ears rose to a much higher point than an orc’s would. I possessed no ethereal beauty and very little magic. My dove-gray eyes were the most fae trait I possessed, but only because they matched my father’s. There was nothing exceptional or ethereal about me.

“...Does your neck hurt?”

That question took me aback. I rubbed my neck, where violet bruises marked a mottled circle around my throat. I’d forgotten about them, truthfully; it was easy to ignore the pain while marching. They seized their chance now to ache, reminding me how close I’d come to perishing. Although I’d felt no fear then, I couldn’t suppress a shiver now.

“I’ve had worse,” I told Karl. Then I sped up to walk nearer the front. I would focus ahead, where the future lay. I did not care to dwell on the past.