#abusive household

[furiousgoldfish]

Kids instinctively test their boundaries and challenge authority; not to be annoying and cause trouble on purpose, but because they need to know where the boundaries are, what are the consequences for breaking them, and who actually is the real authority that can bring forth the consequences. This is normal and healthy human behaviour; if they don’t try it, how will they ever find out? It's curiosity, courage, need to know exactly where they stand, how much freedom can they get, what they can get away with, it's something we all have to test in life at one point or another, and childhood should be the safest, most protected place to test this out.

Based on how well they manage to establish their own place, their own rules and figure out what will and won't have consequences, they'll continue to develop this knowledge in the adulthood; they'll fight for their needs in their friendships and relationships, they'll stand up to their teachers and exploitative bosses, they'll follow their sense of justice and sometimes defy authority in order to do what is right. And if they learned something is a hard limit in childhood, they'll be careful not to cross that limit where it would come back to harm them. And those limits should be along the lines of causing physical harm to others, hurting smaller, more vulnerable people, using their power for cruelty.

In abusive households, children are not allowed this test of limits. Abusive parents insist on complete authority, punish something as small as 'talking back', and thus take away the child's ability to explore boundaries. In abuse the boundaries are usually uncertain, undefined, so the child can never know what could be taken as an offense, as a provocation or excuse to harm them. Abusers prefer keeping children not knowing where they stand, so they would assume anything could be taken as disobedience, even lack of action could be punished. This enables abusers to change the rules at will and to punish child who hasn't done anything wrong – they can retroactively decide something offended them and take their anger out on a child. The child learns that even if someone just perceives a transgression, that didn't even happen, they will be punished for it. They learn to live in absolute fear, analyzing their every action, anxiously trying to figure out how everyone around them is feeling and reacting to them, trying desperately not to give anyone a reason for offense.

So how will this child deal with an unfair teacher, one they get in that situation? How will they handle an exploitative boss? How can they fight back a bully, navigate an abusive friendship or a relationship, how can they stand up to anyone? They've learned that even doing nothing can have devastating consequences, and doing everything sometimes isn't enough either. All they know how to do is to try to please everyone, desperately overthink everything, accept blame and punishment even when it wasn't their fault, even when they're being exploited and harmed. Their needs get forgotten and neglected completely, in their endless quest to protect themselves from harm, by trying to avoid it with their every action and word. They've been taught, by pain and torture, that other people's authority over them is final, that refusing to please others means pain. So they'll accept being exploited, neglected and violated, because to refuse would mean even worse type of pain. And the abusive boss, partner, teacher, friend, will revel in realization that this person is afraid, that anything can be done to them, that rules can be changed on the fly, exploitation can be endless because this person won't ever test what's been said to them; they'll assume other's authority is right, and that to fight back would mean severe consequences.

That is what authoritarian parenting teaches, that's what forceful, demanding, aggressive and punishment-eager parents do to their kid's lives. They lie every time they say it's to make the kid strong, or to prepare them for 'the real life', it's anything but. It's creating a person who cannot fight for themselves or stand up for themselves because they've been tortured for their first attempts to test the boundaries.

Let your kids try stupid shit. If they can't figure out boundaries by testing them out with you, they won't be able to figure it out any other way. Adults do it all the time, because they've learned as children that this testing can bring them benefits, certainty, fairness and needs fulfilled. As it should be, children should try and see what happens if they ask, if they demand, if they try to get their way, if they protest, if they fight back. They need to know that sometimes in life it's worth it. That sometimes it's necessary. They need to know life won't end if they try it. They need to know it's okay to try. They need to believe they have every right to.

[archivesof-mymind]

It is a valid response.

[letteriwillneversend]

having parents that are nothing more than unfriendly strangers wearing familiar voices that say familiar things makes you wonder if there was ever any such thing as home.

it makes you wonder what it might be like to have a bad day and have someone you can call or talk to. what it might be like to have someone you can to for advice or comfort. what it might be like to have a shoulder or lap you can finally rest your head on. what it might be like to have a bowl of cut fruit that spells out unconditional love.

some days i find myself looking for home even when i don’t know what to look for.

[natasha-ki-mehfil]

I don't think many people realise this?

Abuse sirf maarne ya daatne se nahi hota hain. Abuse ko bohot saare compartments mein toda jaa sakta hain. Ek bachhe ko apni Ma baap ka samman of course karna chahiye lekin iska matlab ye nahi ki is samman ka fayda lutake woh aapko force kare unki taraf chelne ke liye.

Agar hum narrative ko badal dete hain to kuch aisa hota hain.

Agar aapko ek baccha diya jaata hain aur woh kehte hain ki either aap bachpan se bilkul full attention bacche ko de kar bara karoge to phir woh aapki baat har waqt sunega/sunegi khush hoke. Ya phir aap jab bhi gussa aata hain uske upar gussa nikal te ho to woh aapki har baat sunti/sunta hain lekin darr darr k. Aage jaa kar ek na ek din ye uske mental health pe davaav dega aur woh dunia se dhire dhire bichar jayegi/jayega. Log, usually, aasaan tarika chun lete hain.

Mere feed pe bohot toxic family, bad family ke posts arahe the toh ye achanak se mere dimaag pe aa gira.

[xan-the-emo-trans-man]

I just called myself out so let me call out the rest of you as well:

Do you actually hate yourself or were you just raised in an abusive household?

ask yourself this question: would you still hate yourself if you were raised in a house with good parents that had a healthy marriage and you had all your needs met?

because Idk about you but for me that answer is no. I don’t think I would if I didn’t have a toxic mom to constantly criticize me and someone I constantly compare myself to. I don’t think I’d hate myself if I never had people tearing me down in the first place

[yourlocalbadgerscales]

Never try breaking the heart of a girl who’s dad left her.

Never try breaking the heart of a girl who’s dad came back begging for forgiveness.

Never try breaking the heart of a girl who had to make one of the hardest decisions of her life before she even turned thirteen. Leave her father.

Never try breaking the heart of a girl who had no one but her brother. The girl who could never trust anyone. Not a single person.

Never try breaking the heart of a girl who longed for a father she’d never get.

Never try breaking the heart of a girl who’s mother was always emotionally unavailable.

Never try breaking the heart of a girl who grew up an adult before she even got to be a teenager, a girl who’s destined to live her adult years as a kid.

Never try breaking the heart of a girl who pretends her heart is made of steel, when in facts it’s a heart made of liquid gold, a heart too easy to pour out, a heart so easy to break.

She will protect it with her life. She will tear it out of her own chest and crush it in her own hands, choke you and slap you and break your bones with it.

She will make you cry out, she will make you suffer and long for a heart like hers, a heart you’ll never get. She will make you beg for forgiveness and scream your name into the dark of the night.

Never try breaking her heart. It will be the last thing you ever do.

[booksforevermore13]

Luke and Annabeth's relationship closely mirrors that of an elder-sibling, younger-sibling relationship in an abusive household. Idk but I've been thinking about this a lot, so I need to put it out there to get it off my mind.

Their relationship is one siblings share in an abusive household. Where the elder one tries their absolute hardest to make sure that their sibling doesn't have to see or bear the burden of their family. That their sibling doesn't have to shoulder the burden that their older brother or sister has been carrying from the get-go.

The elder one tries their absolute freaking hardest, gets up in the morning even though for them, mornings seem the bleakest and nights the most treacherous. But they get through the day to make sure their sibling is safe. They shoulder the taunts, and insults, and tirades of their parents, take care of their breakdowns, and steps in as their therapist, even though on the inside, they are just done.

They are done with this nonsense, of having to be the bigger one in every shitty argument, of getting up each day and trying to understand what kind of day its gonna be, and then accepting their defeat because in this situation, triumph is a long time coming. They are done with their parents treating them as a punching bag. They are done stepping in every time their younger sibling fucks up and they have to step in to bear the brunt of their parent's wrath. They are done.

And so they leave. They leave their house when they come of age, and they go far far away, even though it kills them to leave their younger sibling behind, even though they know its wrong to flee because if they don't, they wouldn't be able to stop themselves from jumping off of a roof the next time they're on one.

They leave.

Leaving their little siblings behind.

And the younger ones just can't fathom what's up with them. I mean, of course the know, they've seen their older brothers and sisters struggling. But they just can't get over the betrayal, and the hurt, and the fact that they're the ones left behind. They're the ones who'd have to shoulder the burden now. There would be no one for them to turn to, or cry to, or share a dark joke with at the expense of their shitty parents and there would be no one left who'd be there to love them.

And I think that captures Luke and Annabeth's relationship so perfectly.

That is their essence.

[d1zt0rt3dl3zb14n]

I FUCKING HATE MY DAD SO FUCKING MUCH LIKE GO DIE YOU ABUSIVE CONTROLLING PRICK I BET YOUR MOM IS LOOKING DOWN AT YOU FROM HEAVEN AND THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE REGRETS BIRTHING YOU. THATS WHY SHE BEAT YOUR ASS AND THATS WHY YOUR OWN DAD (PROBABLY) NEGLECTED YOU. STOP TAKING OUT YOUR UNSOLVED ISSUES ON ME AND GET A THERAPIST AND A LIFE YOU LOSER. IM NOT GIVING YOU AN ATTITUDE AND IM NOT DISRESPECTFUL, YOURE THE DICK WHO CANT HANDLE HEARING SHIT HE DOESNT LIKE HERE. AND ON THAT TOPIC, DONT TALK ABOUT ME DOING THAT WHEN YOU DO THE SAME 24/7. HYPOCRITE. I HOPE THE NEXT TIME YOU ARE COMING HOME FROM WORK YOU CRASH IN THE HIGHWAY AND DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.

okay thats all thx for reading

[surealisticpillow]

Lines

The lines you wrote were clear.

-Don’t talk about what he did.

-Don’t talk about what I did.

If we crossed those lines you’d disappear for years at a time out of retaliation.

Years where id never even get a happy birthday, and now im expected to give them to you or you’ll do it again.

Where does this end?

You ask me how I’m doing now, like you care,

But I can’t tell you cause it would cross your lines.

“Mom, I loved a boy that hurt me because you told me that’s normal.”

“I hurt myself Mom just like you did.”

“I started drinking a lot just like you after what happened.”

Becoming older and seeing how my siblings parent their children and feeling how much love I have for them as well, I am so hurt that no one saved us.

Most of all, you.

How could you choose him over me?

Does the vodka hidden in your closet taste better than having me in your arms?

What does this say about me?

You know that saying when someone is unappealing to the eye,

“They have a face only a mother could love.”

Am I so ugly that my own mother can’t love me?

Was I a bad kid?

Am I that hard to love?

It makes me so angry.

Because you knew!

Everyone knew!

A 4 year old shouldn’t have to learn what divorce means.

A 5 year old who had a nightmare shouldn’t have found her mom passed out drunk in bed with a stranger when all she wanted was comfort, her mom should’ve told her not to get in bed with them.

A 6 year old shouldn’t have to wonder if its normal for moms friends to “cuddle” with her.

A 7 year old shouldn’t have to go to the neighbors house when mom didn’t come home for 2 days.

An 8 year old shouldn’t have to move states away from her family because it wasn’t safe anymore.

A 9 year old shouldn’t have to call the 911 and tell them their mother’s boyfriend threaten to kill them all.

A 10 year old shouldn’t have been diagnosed with stress headaches.

An 11 year old shouldn’t have felt the need to cut her skin.

A 12 year old shouldn’t have felt the need to send those pictures to get validation from 30 year old men.

A 13 year old shouldn’t have felt like she needed to starve her self to be pretty.

A 14 year old shouldn’t have taken those drugs to numb the feelings you gave her.

A 15 year old shouldn’t be having panic attacks every time she has to see you.

A 16 year old shouldn’t have gotten in that truck with the 20 year old, but she wanted to know what love felt like.

A 17 year old shouldn’t have stayed with her boyfriend after he brutally sexually assaulted her, but who was she supposed to tell? He said he loved her.

An 18 year old shouldn’t have taken those pills and turned her phone off, sleeves soaked in blood.

Everything that has happened in my life, good and bad, I always want my mom.

I need my mom.

I think every girl does.

I want to tell her what they did to me and I want her to hold me and tell me I deserve better.

But she can’t, cause she’s hurt me the most and that would cross the line.

[glitchdoesart]

Help a queer teen get out of an abusive situation!!

My amazing girlfriend has set up a gofundme to help me get out of my abusive household. I am taking commissions at this time (details will be posted soon) but please dm now if you're interested! Any donations help

https://gofund.me/b2ab3f0a

[archivesof-mymind]

Fuck you

[bitchesgetriches]

(tw abuse) Can I say thank you for your blog?

I'm currently trying to escape an abusive household, but I wasn't sure of how I could get money or a job because I'm not allowed to get a job. Or learn how to get one. Or anything similar.

Which I later learned is financial abuse.

But I found a lot of useful resources and info here on how to get money online. And in person...

Thank you!

Honey, we are so, so, SO fucking proud of you. In the darkness of an impossible situation, you've somehow found the strength to seek out help and resources. You're an inspiration to us all, and we are rooting for you so hard. Keep in touch--we want to know when you're safe and out of your abusive household.

For anyone else who might be dealing with a similar situation, here is some information on financial abuse and where to go for help:

When Money is the Weapon: Understanding Intimate Partner Financial Abuse 

How Abusive Workplaces Mirror Abusive Relationships 

Did we just help you out? Tip us!

[pending-dope-username]

I am not a fan of asking for help. Never have been, never will be. But I am at my wits end right now. And I need to get out of my current situation so badly. Therefore I have created a gofundme page to try and get myself a car. At the very least, I can get a car, pack my entire life away into it and live in it until I can afford to get a place with my friends. If you can donate, please do. If you can't, please share. Anything helps at this point. I am just so fucking done with this.

https://gofund.me/9fc6245f

[a-star-is-here]

hi guys! I really need help reaching my $25k goal for uni. My financial situation has gotten really bad lately and I am living in an abusive household. Living at home is not a safe option anymore. I'd really appreciate if you could share or donate, whatever is within your ability<3 https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-star-study-music-in-the-uk

[wonderwithin-us]

hmmm you know what? one day I'll move out of my parents house. one day I won't have to ask for others for permission to exist. I would go where I want to go — perhaps to the café in the lane in front of my house, perhaps to the garden with my friends. I could make art without my dad getting angry, and I could cook whatever I wish to eat that morning and not all that's in the plate in front of me, and I could put on the pink bedsheets because I love them, and

And perhaps I won't have to hear my parents yell at me about not existing as they want me to be — I won't have to hear them disapprove my life choices from behind the door, what I'm doing, because in that house, I will be writing my own destiny.

[howifeltabouthim]

She'd never been safe here, never ever, not for a moment.

Lev Grossman, from The Bright Sword