#and like money wise me killing my self is the worst option only because so many people have invested in me

[cherrysnax]

bleh

[valkyriegoddesses]

Thoughts on ACOSF

⚠️ SPOILERY, SO DON’T READ IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK ⚠️

⚔️ the good and the bad, I’ll try to get rid of the bad thoughts first and keep the positive ones for the end but idk where my line of thought would go as I recall and type so here we go

• Nesta’s journey of healing is hers and hers alone. She owes no one in the inner circle anything, they didn’t do her any favors. (Now before I delve into this, I just want to say that I see they (Feyre and Elain only) had good intentions, but I’m going to point out everywhere it went wrong, probably against what they planned, but still it went horribly wrong) She was still suffering all the same after she got her free will stripped from her, the decision made for her by packing her things without informing her or listening to her opinion or trying to have a more lenient approach to the matter, being threatened that her second option is being thrown to the human lands where she could die, being lied to about the consequences of her actions in law, being told she “belongs in the Hewn City”, being told she’s “a pathetic waste of life”, and choosing the place everyone admits they hate going to aka the House of Wind, as her destination to heal. Knowing full well she can’t make the descent down these stairs and would be imprisoned without the power to winnow. And instead of being given her space and time, they push her to talk and interact when all she’s trying to do is have some distance from everyone. Some time to herself, to not feel anything, to control the storm of thoughts raging on the inside. And she’s pushed time and time again to face her trauma and heal RIGHT NOW because apparently, they’re timing her. And she shouldn’t have her emotions on display, when she tells them she doesn’t feel like talking yet she’s forced to interact and socialize. Anyone who’s been forced to interact against their will knows how draining it is. Now imagine this coupled with being triggered by water, and being triggered by fire, which are a daily necessity. And imagine everyone got a decade or more to deal with their trauma and are still not entirely healed, yet your time is up after little over a year. It sucks. And I hate how what triggered them to action wasn’t that she was wasting away to nothing, but the bill. When the bill was high, they drew the line. And I hate how in the narrative, the “conversation” -even though I wouldn’t call it that because only one side was allowed to talk and the other side wasn’t allowed to object- was written in a way that made it about THEIR image, when she’s frequenting taverns. THEIR image, when she doesn’t show up to their parties. THEIR image when the bill for her drinking is high. (They say it’s too much money, as if they don’t have all the riches and they all spend money on things that are absolutely not necessary, and THEY drowned her with gifts, LOADS of gifts, after she sacrificed her power to save her sister, which she didn’t do for payment, but anyway the thought is, they had the money and just like they thought Amren deserves payment for what she did in the war, they should’ve kept the same energy for Nesta because she had no small role in that either). I just think they handled it badly. Not exactly how you’d talk to someone suffering from PTSD, depression and survivor’s guilt. For one, threatening a worse alternative isn’t helpful. Secondly, There were way too many people in that room. More than necessary. Feyre and Elain would’ve been enough AS HER FAMILY (and I’ll get to details on this in a moment). And Feyre was the only decent one handling it as someone who actually was looking for a better outcome and really had the intention to help, someone who wasn’t there just to humiliate. Amren and Rhys were only there to land jabs and poke at her insecurities and bad coping mechanisms. Rhys used his power on her to force her to obey him and we all know how it’s a big NO among them. Many of those in the IC had worse coping mechanisms. But what she was doing was too much for them to handle? She was self-destructing. And she kept her distance. If I told someone I needed my space and they kept poking their head in my business, I sure as hell would lash out. When someone needs space, their privacy should be respected. No matter how long it takes them.

And I don’t see where the problem with her drinking was. She never showed up to events drunk. We never saw her hungover the day after. She was spending some money on drinking yes, but it did not get out of hand. She was also spending money on food and gambling. All in all, not the worst coping mechanism among those who were criticizing her. Not to mention that everyone who criticized her were drinkers as well, and they all slept around during some part of their lives.

Now the problem with the presence of other people in that room, other than Feyre (if Elain didn’t wish to attend and preferred to have some space between her and and Nesta, it’s her choice) anyway, only Feyre’s presence was required. Everyone else there was just an accessory, only adding stress to the atmosphere, forcing Nesta to get on the defensive with the way they slut shamed her, shamed her for drinking, shamed her for not being able to take a bath even though she told Feyre how the water still scares her, etc. I can see Sarah wanted it to look like a “family” intervening. Like some tough love sort of thing. But she failed. Simply because, the IC might be Feyre’s found family and she might take such a talk from them because it would really be tough love. As for Nesta, she doesn’t view them as family. She barely knows them. So for a group of strangers, or let’s say newly acquainted people, to sit around her and point out her every flaw and shame her for every misstep, who wouldn’t lash out at that? It’s enough she’s forced to spend time among them, on holidays she doesn’t really believe in, where they force her to attend but actively ignore her presence and treat her like a ghost. Why make her come if they don’t enjoy her company? It’s just ridiculous. Then when she gets angry from all the pushing and lashes out and it’s entirely her fault. they’re all like “come to our gatherings where we will insult you, nitpick all your unhealthy coping mechanisms, but don’t be offended and seclude yourself, we all took decades to deal with our trauma and killed people while doing it but your coping mechanisms are unhealthy. And your actions are unforgivable because you lash out at us when we shove ourselves down your throat. How can you not like us? Everyone has to like us.” Then she gets thrown away to a war camp, a FUCKING WAR CAMP, while a big part of her trauma is because of war. And instead of dealing with her face-to-face, while being gentle and showing her they’re on her side WITHOUT JUDGEMENT, WITHOUT WINCING AND GLANCES AT EACH OTHER AND INNER CONVERSATIONS ABOUT HER WHERE SHE’S EXCLUDED, they’re like “we’re tired of your shit so here’s a house you can stay in while you sort this out away from our merry little circle, which has its nose up your business anyway. But still, sort it out away from us.” And in that house she became more and more closed off and her healing - and I will die on this hill - her healing DID NOT start until the house came into play which was her own doing. And it kicked off because of Emerie and Gwyn, who both didn’t judge her, didn’t demonize her, didn’t only see the bad in her, but accepted her as she was and loved every part of her. Showed her that she was not a waste of life and there are things to live for. As for the beloved inner circle? Beyond insulting her and her coping mechanisms, They don’t tell her about the weapons SHE made, because pro-colonization Amren doesn’t think it’s wise, that Nesta would use it against the world. (Amren do you hear how stupid you sound?) they always villianize her, assuming she’d be out to take the world and take revenge on everyone who ever glanced her way. They assumed she was bad, they assumed because she was angry, that she would use her power for killing and terrorizing and building an Empire like they all do. When all she wanted to do was listen to music and be around good company who passed her no judgement.

Anyway, getting into some details with each character:

Feyre: I hated Feyre’s “crying over scrambled eggs because my image is destroyed my sister spent so much money on drinking”. And the fact that when telling Nesta she was doing this for her own good, she told her she was embarrassed for her own image in the same breath. But beyond that I was fine with her. I loved her reconcilation with Nesta. I loved that she was one who wanted to give Nesta more time, recognized that she needed her own time. I love them together. I think without everyone’s interference, their reconcilation would’ve happened much faster. They were already making progress before ~some people~ ruined everything and caused Nesta to be closed off again. I don’t hate that Nesta sacrificed her power to save Feyre in the end. She’s her sister and she loves her and this is not the first time she proved this. She would do anything to protect her sisters and she hates herself for the times she misstepped. Even though it wasn’t her fault and there was a full grown man sitting there who conveniently got a redemption arc. What angers me though, is that it was only after this, that the inner circle viewed her as someone who is worth their respect. And made the sacrifice materialistic by drowning Nesta with gifts. She didn’t do it for their acceptance or for their love, or for payment. She did it because her sister needed help. Period. (Sidenote: I’m writing a post where I delve deep into their relationship, which I will eventually post, because I think I reached an understanding about their relationship)

Elain: let me get something out of the way, she has power. She has free will, she’s not a baby. She’s a grown woman who doesn’t need coddling. I hate how the fandom views her as a baby. And she’s constantly infantilized, preventing her from reaching her full potential. Now that that’s out of the way, here are my 2 cents on her, since she wasn’t in this book much: Nesta’s wording was very clear, yet I’ve seen this scene misread all over the timeline. Nesta said “I sat by your side for weeks. Weeks, while you wasted away, refusing food and drink. While you appeared to hope you’d just wither and die. No one suggested you either shape up or be shipped back to the human lands.” Nesta’s problem is NOT that Elain wasn’t “there” as in “by her side”. She explicitly stated she needed space. Nesta’s problem was that she stood between Elain and anyone who might tell her to snap out of it and lock her trauma in some dark room in the back of her head. She made sure Elain had her time. While Elain agreed to pack her bags and didn’t prevent them from shipping her away, deciding her time was up. All she wants is time, and Elain didn’t have her back on this. Then we have the fact that Elain slut-shamed Nesta. And then when Nesta comes to the party this time, Elain meets her at the door and her reaction instead of saying hi and leaving it at that or simply ignoring her, is “did Feyre pay you this time?” I’m torn on where to stand on the Elain-Nesta situation, a part of me is disappointed in Elain. I think she should’ve handled this better than anyone else because she was there, she witnessed the trauma happen, Nesta was there for her, they grew up being inseparable the entire time. If anyone should understand her better than anyone else, it’s Elain. So why did she abandon her to everyone’s judgement? And a part of me is like maybe she knew whatever she voted wouldn’t matter because the IC were taking the step anyway, and didn’t want to be there when it happened. Or maybe she’s still dealing with her own trauma in her own way and doesn’t want a confrontation. But I always circle back to the sl*t-shaming and the shaming about the drinking, and then I think about the Solstice scene where as soon as she saw her she was like “did Feyre pay you this time?” And a part of me is angry about the shaming undertone of that too, while some part of me thinks that maybe Elain felt unwanted along with everyone else and that in order for Nesta to meet them, she has to be paid, but we will never know unless we hear it from her.

Rhysand: that piece of shit, misogynist, who used his powers to compel Nesta to obey his orders, pulled rank on her, taunted and threatened her every step of the way and utilized her for his own agenda, and was *surprised* to learn the woman has trauma. Took him being inside her head and unable to wake her up from the nightmare, because the behavior she was exhibiting wasn’t enough. [insert shocked pickatchu meme]. I also would like to add that him playing the protective love interest from his mate’s own sister, WHO COULD’VE HARMED HER IF SHE WANTED TO, but never wanted to because she’s not a bad person, is so cheap. Like- you, the guy who drugged her and made her give you lap dances, are afraid for her sake… from her sister? Who only ever used words as jabs and is generally rude? Or do you feel like you’re overpowered and are trying to fill the void in your toxic masculinity and reassert dominance ?

Cassian: He was patient with her, and probably the healthiest person in the inner circle who dealt with her until she was okay, but he still silently agreed with all the shit that was said about her. Shit she didn’t deserve to be said about her as someone going through trauma. He mocked whatever progress she made on the stairs calling it pathetic in the beginning. He stayed silent when Nesta was stripped of her will, when she was told she belongs in the Court of Nightmares, when her fate was decided for her, when she was being lied to, when she was threatened to be thrown to the humans who would kill her. He made some progress and understood her better with time, but it doesn’t excuse how he stayed silent when she was being mistreated. Specially since he claims her loves her. He also stayed silent as the Inner Circle despised her presence but still used her to reach what they’re plotting for. He progressed, and he got better, I’ll give him that. But still, as someone who claims he loves her the way he does, he shouldn’t have allowed his friends to manipulate and use her in their schemes but then exclude her from everything else, even knowledge about her own power. But I love that he was patient, that he worked to understand her, that he grew to stand up for her. I would argue that they are the healthiest ship written by SJM this far.

Mor: fucking Mor, who experienced trauma, told Nesta she belongs in the court of Nightmares. Where she was abused herself. Knowing women are viewed as objects there, knowing Nesta would recieve abuse there. She said that, wishing abuse on someone who she simply didn’t like and had some quarrels with. They never saw eye to eye and that’s fine. They always had sharp tongues when talking to each other and that’s fine. What’s not fine though, is that THIS of all things, seemed so out of character for Mor. Now, she never knew Nesta was a survivor of SA. But as someone who helps SA victims, she’s the last person I expected such a comment from. It felt very out of character. I hate that this is the Bi character in all of this mess. Of all people, a hypocrite is the Bi person. The LGBTQ community deserves better. I thought about it, and maybe Mor, being like a stranger to Nesta, and seeing her ignore Cassian in front of the Illyrians who already look down on him, made her angry to the point where she just wanted to land a jab and didn’t think her words would mean anything. Maybe all she wanted to do was stand up for Cassian, but what she said was definitely not true and not okay. I wanted her and Nesta to have a talk about it, but also she grew to have decent conversations with her and she helped her when she and Cassian had that fight. So I don’t know, maybe it’s a silent progress between them.

Amren: this one told her she was a waste of life. What a great way to deal with someone who’s suffering from PTSD and depression and having suicidal thoughts, Amren. Tell them they’re a waste of life, enforce every thought they are having as fact, push them to the point where they doubt they should be breathing, and when they’re told they could tumble down a mountain and break their bones while hiking, their first thought would be “good”. Amren deserves a medal, a badge of honor for being the 500+ old woman who has healthy ways of dealing with traumatized people telling them they don’t deserve to live because the thoughts of their power and dealing with controlling that power right now is so overwhelming. Amren, who decided that because Nesta was always angry, she had no right to know that she used her power unknowingly and forged powerful weapons. Amren, who was pushing for colonization throughout this book, was afraid of Nesta misusing her power. Villainizing Nesta’s every thought, as if Nesta wasn’t overwhelmed from the thought of possessing so much power, as if Nesta doesn’t refuse to use her powers and train. As if Nesta is out there hiding as she masters her power to reemerge and turn the world upside down. You’re the one who’s pushing Rhys to colonize other territories and become high king, Amren. Maybe *you* should be locked up in the house of wind for therapy. What hurts most in this is Amren was her friend. She trusted Amren. Amren said that shitty line to her and then lied to her and manipulated her and used her to further Rhys’s agenda. She flopped from telling Feyre that Nesta is immortal and a few years are nothing, and she should be given time. She would not betray her trust, to whatever she turned into in ACOSF. And everyone give SJM a round of pats on the back and an applause for making Amren the wise one here and making Nesta, the traumatized one who was wronged, get on her knees and apologize. I mean- if you thought this apology scene was necessary, then clarification about the fight between them was just as necessary. Or you include neither scene. But deeming the apology important and not the incident? This is some victim blaming on a whole other level.

The House of Wind: The house of wind was honestly one of the best parts of this book. It was Nesta, “Lady Death” as they call her, breathing life into something, and it was gentle, and it was patient, and it was understanding, and it pushed her to be healthier without judging, without throwing insults or slut-shaming. It hated that she didn’t eat? It kept waiting for her until her body gave out and she had to eat. It didn’t like her drinking? It gave her water when she asked for wine. It showed her its darkest part where she found the greatest warmth as well, as if saying don’t be ashamed of your darkness because in it you’ll find light, and it didn’t abandon her or stop responding to her when she was angry. It was actively by her side, without any judgement, only support and pushing her to fix the behaviours without dissing her. and it was everything those people around her weren’t. It was family.

Gwyn: their first meeting wasn’t at all what you would call “friendly”, to a fault by Nesta. Gwyn didn’t even know anything about Nesta, yet she didn’t react with even more anger as ~others~ did, she didn’t fear Nesta, or give a retort, or get angry and lash out at her. She took the blow and was, with all the calm in the world, like fine, you want to tell on me, go tell. And Nesta did go tell on her, then realized by herself how she acted rashly. And later helped Gwyn without being asked to, by swapping the book so Merrill doesn’t scold her. And their friendship grew to the point where Gwyn, a traumatized person who couldn’t dare leave the library, started training with her, was her friend and had conversations with her that didn’t center her trauma or her coping mechanisms being analyzed. She went out of the library for the first time in 2 years when she knew Nesta needed her by her side. She occupied her mind with stories of Valkyries, women being strong and unyielding in a society which didn’t allow it. She took her hand and gave her a purpose in life to work for. Gave her a friend who didn’t judge, a kind face in the maelstorm of judgemental faces. Until she felt like a safe space to Nesta to the point where she spilled all her thoughts, the ones she could only admit to herself, to Gwyn, letting her inside those walls. And when she braced for judgement, she didn’t receive it. Gwyn dealing with someone’s trauma, as someone who’s been through trauma herself, is one of the beautiful corners of this book

Emerie: Another woman with trauma. She sees Nesta enter her store, of course she knows who she is, yet she doesn’t judge her. Nesta asks about making the fatigues warmer, Emerie says she’ll ask, but it’s costly. Nesta says then she can’t afford it, admits that she was cut off, Emerie, as a stranger, doesn’t judge her. She says she could make them anyway and she can pay her as she can. Because no one should feel cold. It’s simple, irrelevant. Nesta wouldn’t freeze to death, she as a stranger has no obligation to help, it’s a simple reasoning. “You shouldn’t feel cold”. It’s enough for her to help Nesta. Something as mundane as feeling cold. She asks her to join her for a meal. And Nesta asks her if she would join the training, which Emerie refuses. and Nesta blurts out that she didn’t take her for a coward. And later, Nesta sends her the herbs she wishes to get which she can’t get often because of her location, and it’s a message of “you too deserve to see what’s best in the world, to go out and experience the beautiful parts and live, not just exist”. So Emerie goes to training with her as well, and they bond over romance novels. Emerie also reaches a point where she opens up about her own trauma, and tells the truth about what she faced and her survival. This girl who is 50-something at least, who has never had friends, living a lonely secluded life, finally found someone who was trustworthy enough to be around and form a bond with. As for the fact that she is a PoC, and the illyrians are portrayed as this group of savages who abuse their women and their women have no say in their lives and futures and how they clip their women’s wings, when wings, wingspan and wingplay heavily imply that wings are erogenous parts of the body and wing clipping seems to be the equivalent of Circumcision, which again so happens to be done by the “PoC savages who abuse their women”, hits a whole lot as fucking racist and xenophobic. PoC deserve a storyline where they’re not viewed as the villains.

Azriel: I loved his relationship with Nesta. He was the best chaperon™️, he never spoke in judgement toward her. There was a silent understanding between them. However, I’m not against him showing his feelings toward Elain or her toward him. It’s fine, if that’s what they both want. I don’t think Lucien is the type to call for a blood duel. He simply brings her presents and attends when invited, he doesn’t force himself on her and keeps his distance. However I did hate that Azriel took the necklace and gave it to Gwyn, as a secondhand. I know his only intention was to make her smile but the necklace wasn’t meant for her. It’s not a trial by error, he can’t just keep trying out with different women every time he fails with one. And I’ll just leave this here.

The elephant in the room: the entire IC is involved in this, them all blaming Nesta, framing her as the wrong person, when she told Feyre about the dangers of her pregnancy? I don’t care if she did it while she was angry, her heart was in the right place. She got hurt from them deciding her fate without her involvement, voting on her, not once, but twice, about her fate because she wasn’t fast enough to deal with her trauma, then again when deciding if she should know about what she did with her own power and the weapons. and she showed Feyre what was really at play. Protecting her from what she faced with the Inner Circle. Just because she was angry while doing it does not mean she did it out of spite. She did it to expose them, specially Amren at that point. But I don’t get how it was twisted to “because she wanted to hurt Feyre”. She wasn’t even angry at Feyre. But you all would rather suck up to the Inner Circle than confront the fact that they’re hypocrites and liars with a propaganda. They’re evil. They fear Nesta using her power to seize control of everyone because it’s how THEY are. With all this High King crap. Basically colonization dreams. With how they press rank whenever it suits them, and lie about the law to win arguments. It’s because those who are inherently bad think everyone is bad just like them.

Other Elephants in the room which have been here a long time: the thing with blaming Nesta for not being the breadwinner… I could never get it. Some have money-earning skills, others don’t. She, at the point of her life when she was human, was only trained in dancing and appealing to men socially so she could uplift the family’s social status. She couldn’t hunt. Feyre could. And NEITHER, should’ve been the breadwinner. Nesta was willing to starve to death if it would push her father to do something. Feyre wasn’t willing to wait and starve or watch anyone starve. But it doesn’t mean Nesta was at fault. She was only 3 years older than Feyre. Let’s leave the “the oldest child has to step in for the parents when the parents fail” mentality in the past. It’s ridiculous. Nesta was under no obligation to be the breadwinner. And she suffered self-flagellation regularly for letting Feyre walk out there and hunt. But she literally had no skills that when she thought of something to do, she could only think of selling herself on the streets. The parents were abusive, both of them. Favoring one child over the other and planting rivalry between the siblings. “i love you” means nothing. NOTHING, when there is no action to prove it. And if anything, this book made me realize that Nesta was never okay. She was never in a good place mentally. I mean, I knew, but this book just proved it. Her mother favored her alright, but it was not in a loving way. She simply exploited her to climb the social ladder. She didn’t give her love, she gave her instructions. She enabled the grandmother to beat her, and instill some “harsher punishments” one of which Nesta still holds the scars for. She was called worthless, as a child. Why? Because she made a wrong step in a dance. She was physically and verbally abused, and her mother let it happen. Yet she was the only one who would give Nesta the time of day so Nesta still loved her. As a child, her mother was the only person who showed interest in her and she clung to. However twisted it was, it’s the only love she ever got. The only love she knew. Then she lost her. and later the family also lost their wealth. So all she was taught to do her entire life suddenly became meaningless because she can’t achieve what her mother “trained” her to do. And we know the rest of the story. She never felt at home, not even when her mother lived and she still had that wealth. She admitted as much. She was never fine. She might’ve appeared the part, but it was never true. And since she was so good at masking her emotions, nobody was the wiser.

side note: As for her power being the “bare minimum” now, there better not be a plothole, since Rhysand couldn’t contain merely the “surface of her power” because it was too much. and if that’s all she retained, then it’s good enough for me.

[smhalltheurlsaretaken]

Hey! I literally love your last post so much but I'm confused about the rebels bit (never watched it). How does Rebels criticize the jedi? Thanks!

Aw, thank you! (Lol, this is such an old ask I don’t remember what that post was, but here goes).

Well in s2 Ahsoka, Kanan (a survivor from Order 66) and Ezra (his Padawan) all go to an old Jedi Temple to talk to Yoda about Vader and his Inquisitors (Darksiders who hunt the few remaining Jedi and kidnap Force sensitive kids). Yoda is only there spiritually and the three of them get different visions. Ahsoka sees Anakin as Vader, and Kanan has to fight several enemies and eventually admit he can't protect his Padawan from the world, only guide him (which prompts the vision to finally make him a Jedi Knight, as he survived Order 66 as a Padawan.)

And Ezra... Ugh. Ezra had a previous encounter with Yoda, in which he got his lightsaber crystal. Basically Yoda asked him why he wanted to be a Jedi, and Ezra had to do some self-examination and eventually realized that helping and protecting people made him feel alive, which greatly pleased Yoda who told him he might become a Jedi after all. That's a really great exchange and I love the character development Ezra gets, as he starts by saying he wants never to feel powerless and eventually realizes that's not the right answer.

But in this second encounter, as Ezra asks how they can defeat the Inquisitors, Yoda basically says that fighting is rarely the right path. And to illustrate that, he says that line about the Jedi being arrogant and joining the war swiftly "in their arrogance," which really bothers me. He also says they were "consumed by the Dark Side", which is why they're now gone. In all fairness, he also mentions that they were motivated by fear, which is partially true. 

Now, I write analyses and I try to be intellectually honest about them, because ignoring contradicting stuff weakens your argument instead of helping you. Except this time, I really can't accept this quote. I have an excuse, Lucas wasn't involved in Rebels so it's not the highest canon in my opinion (the 6 movies + TCW are, here are the quotes justifying my position), and I feel like that assertion is out of character for Yoda, ignoring his ST ghost appearances, and also plainly factually incorrect.

I understand that Ezra really needed to be taught not to always seek to fight. At this point, he's still an emotional kid who occasionally struggles with the Dark Side. Not fighting is important to a Jedi's path, so I can understand Yoda's intention. But the example he uses? According to Lucas, the Jedi were drafted in the war. That's not jumping into a conflict out of arrogance, that's literally being dragged there against your will. And sure, there’s Geonosis, but how exactly is rescuing a bunch of your people that’s getting slaughtered by a Sith Lord the same thing as arrogantly jumping into a fight? Like, what’s the option here? Not go, and let an innocent Senator and a bunch of Jedi be murdered?

It's like Rebels!Yoda isn't acknowledging that the war was fake and that a Sith Lord engineered it as the perfect trap (which is recurring problem in Rebels; at one point Ezra, Kanan and Rex have to fight an old Separatist tactical droid and Ezra "solves" the Clone Wars by pointing out that nobody won except the Empire, so really they were on the same side all along, and he gets praised for doing what "a bunch of Jedi, senators and Clones couldn't do," ie getting both sides to talk to each other – except wtf??? setting aside that the Jedi and Rex were aware of the war being fake by the end of it, and that the Separatists were openly led by a Sith Lord and attempted to commit genocide several times in TCW and did commit mass murder, and reduced like several worlds to slavery or starvation and were backed by the worst big corporations you could imagine, the war would NOT have ended if the two sides had tried talking it out. 1) The Senate made it illegal 2) the big corporations arranged for terrorist attacks on both sides the one time they tried to negotiate so the war would drag on and they'd get more money out of it 3) Sidious. Was. Controlling. Everything. What. The. Heck. Would. Have. Been. Accomplished. By. Negotiating.)  Plus the question of whether or not the Jedi should even fight is like... constantly raised by the Jedi during TCW, so I really can’t see it as “oh wow we didn’t even take the time to think and we got killed because of it, we really sucked.” 

Seriously, there’s this S6 quote: 

MACE: Are you sure we are taking the right path? YODA: The right path, no. The only path, yes. Designed by the Dark Lord of the Sith, this web is. For now, play his game, we must.

Like yeah, totally rushing in and being eager to fight lol. Nothing to do with being boxed in and having no alternatives. 

So yeah that's bothers me and I don't think it jibes with the rest of canon. I don't remember Yoda telling Luke (who, in the beginning, is as eager to fight as Ezra is) that the Jedi "disappeared" because of some fault of their own, or because of an eagerness to fight. (Seriously, pussyfooting around the fact that the Jedi were slaughtered grates me.) The OT never, ever, ever implies that the destruction of the Jedi Order was their fault - and unless you assume that the OT is “pro-Jedi propaganda” (*laughs in dumb youtube comments*) then I don’t see Rebels weaving it into its narrative as legitimate.

Again, choosing alternatives to fighting is a great lesson on a personal level, but it doesn't work on the scale of the Rebels/Empire conflict - or the Jedi/Sith one. Ezra should often choose not to fight because of what it'll do to his soul. The Rebels should not stop fighting because there is no cohabitation with something as evil as the Empire. Imo Yoda is always presented as wise enough to know the difference. 

The last thing that makes me think it's out of character is Yoda's spiritual journey in TCW s6. He gets all of his flaws thrown into his face and has to conquer them – he has to face his literal Dark Side and he wins. And yet at no point during that arc is he ever made to conquer his ‘Jedi arrogance’ or whatever. He has to face his worst fear (first vision, all the Jedi dying), let go of his attachments (second vision, him having to accept that he can’t live in a perfect world where everything is beautiful and no one is dead), and reaffirm who he is as a Jedi (third vision, refusing to give up on Anakin and trying to save him rather than to kill Sidious) but at no point is he ever made to recognize that wow, the Jedi are the worst for fighting. 

I’d argue that the very purpose of the visions showing him Order 66 and Anakin falling are to make him accept that these things are completely beyond his control - and as such, not his fault. He doesn’t get to fix things, because the fate of the Order is not in their own hands. It is, in fact, in Anakin’s (from a thematical/narrative standpoint). Yoda has a hard time with it (actually he almost shuts down when he first sees everybody dead and his first reaction is to say that he failed them, so I can’t accept Yoda blaming his grandkids for dying) but he accepts it in the end, when he tells Mace and Obi-Wan he’s not certain one ever wins a war, but they might still find ‘victory for all time’ (referring to balance aka Sidious’ death in RotJ). 

So anyway that’s my beef with Rebels!Yoda. Not hate on Rebels though, there are many parts of it that I really, really love - but some of them kinda infuriate me, and this is one of them. 

[pcthstrayed]

( ross butler, 19, he/him )  welcome to  san francisco, ARLO PARK.  rumor has it they are a WITCH/DARKLIGHTER, but only they could tell you the truth! when i close my eyes, i think of them and imagine BLOODSTAINS SCRUBBED OUT OF CREAM COLORED CARPETS, LYFT SCOOTERS, AND THE PRODIGAL SON.

     are you as tired of me doing intros as i am? ‘cuz bruh.  you’re getting the lazy sparknotes version bc i’m tired and gay.

 arlo is penelope park’s cousin! sadly he  ( thinks he is )  tragically heterosexual, but it would have been nice if the family radiated big gay energy.  idk maybe it isn’t too late for him, we’ll see.  he’s also a student at salvatore.  i think he used to go to a public school back home, but i think Some Fucked Up Things Happened and his mom panicked and decided he needed to be around some more positive role models.  hence why he was sent to salvatore.  

speaking of Some Fucked Up Things...  arlo’s dad is Not a good guy.  i want to say he uses his magic for evil, and it’s gotten him ostracized from the coven.  arlo has always been his dad’s closest ally, and sort of confidante, so his mom was shooketh when she found out that not only was bad dad bad, but that arlo had known all along and hadn’t said anything.  he thought he could contain it, maybe talk him out of some of his terrible ideas, but his dad is Not OK and needs help.   but everything fell apart, his parents divorced and his dad is basically m.i.a. now.   rip.  

( edit oct 2019 )  but here is the thing y’all, arlo’s dad is not his biological father. when his parents were trying to have kids they found out his dad couldn’t have kids. so they used a sperm donor and voila arlo was born! tbh arlo is pretty dumb so i don’t think he’s really even like become cognizant of the fact that he and his dad don’t look alike, and don’t have much in common.  is this ignorance or naivety? idk, if your parents tell you something who are you to question it.  anyways his mom never told him the truth even after everything with his dad bc she was afraid she would lose him. he was already closer with his father and she could feel him slipping down the wrong path. fear is a powerful motivator y’all.

personality wise he’s a ‘lil emo, a lil dramatic, always thinks people are talking shit about him.  in his defense, a lot of times they are.  his dad kind of fucked up their family’s reputation and since he’s from california ( i wanna say malibu ),  he’s lived in this area for most of his life so it’s not really a fresh start.  he’s also pissed he can’t go home and visit his dogs which is a fucking mood and a half. 

since his family is a mess, his family’s money is... dwindling, i could see him doing magic for hire on the side.  basically you want something done? something you’re not super proud of or above board? he’ll help you out my dudes, dudettes, and persons.  he’s got you.  

UPDATE JAN 26, 2020

arlo  has  tapped  into  that  park  family  gay  energy  and  acknowledged  his  chaotic  bisexual  energy.  he  has  feelings  for  both  amber  and  callum  and  is  trying  to  come  to  terms  with  everything.  yet  —  lmao,  his  sexuality  is  hardly  the  biggest  situation  at  the  current  moment  in  time.

after  callum  murdered  maya  marceli  in  cold  blood,  arlo  helped  him  bury  the  body.  he  didn’t  hesitate,  simply  did  what  needed  to  be  done.  it  wasn’t  the  first  time  he  helped  someone  dispose  of  a  body  and  the  only  reason  he  felt  bad  about  it  was  because  it  was  maya.  he  knew her,  he  liked  her,  but  he’d  have  done  anything  to  protect  callum.  

his  best  friend,  bradley  duke  (  @teenagewste​  )  recently  got  involved  with  finn  mikaelson.  when  the  vampire  was  whammied  by  the  horseman  famine,  he  came  up  with  a  contingency  plan  to  ensure  he  would  never  end  up  daggered.  a  spell  was  put  in  place  and  as  soon  as  he  was  daggered,  he  body-jumped  straight  into  arlo  and  left  town  while  the  barrier  was  down.   bye  bye  body. 

in  order  to  make  sure  his  friend  doesn’t  spend  his  prime  years  in  a  coffin,  bradley  spelled  arlo  into  the  body  of  morgan  cummings  —  a  triggered,  very  angry  werewolf,  who  isn’t  pleased  about  the  situation.   until  they  can  track  down  finn  with  a  locator  spell,  this  is  really  the  best  of  the  bad  options.

remember  how  i  said  arlo  doesn’t  know  his  bio  dad  ?  turns  out,  his  bio  dad  is  jack  of  darklighter  fame.   so  not  only  is  he  a  witch  but  he’s  a  darklighter.  somewhere  in  tahiti,  finn  mikaelson  is  having  a  fuckin’  field day.   arlo  doesn’t  know  any  of  this  yet  tho  sooooo  lmao  we’re  in  for  a  STORM.  

UPDATE FEB 22, 2020

so  the  angry  werewolf  kept  trying  to  kill  them  both,  so  bradley  bradley  started  looking  for  a  new  body  to  throw  his  friend  into.   he  found  a  dumb,  tall,  white  dude,  who  was  seemingly  human  and  normal  and  said  yes,  this  is  the  right  one.  so  arlo  jumped  into  aiden  kincaid’s  body  and  eh  voila.  

arlo  reluctantly  agrees,  mostly  bc  he’s  afraid  of  morgan,  and  he  jumps  in.   except,  yeah,  this  body’s  in  transition.   he  has  a  choice  to  make;   feed,  or  die.   except  he  doesn’t  because  oops,  yeah,  he  fed.   now  he’s  a  vampire  soooo  this  should  be  fun  !!

UPDATE APRIL 8, 2020

after  removing  famine’s  ring  from  daniel  warren  /  levi  stone’s  finger,  it  was  given  to  finn  mikaelson  (  in  the  body  of  arlo  park  )  for  safekeeping.   while  the  horseman  might  be  out  of  commission  for  now,  he  was  very  cognizant  of  the  fact  that  it  would  likely  only  be  temporary.

self  preservation  in  mind,  finn  did  the  only  thing  that  made  sense.   he  found  a  body  that  no  one  would  assume  him  to  ever  take  —  her  name  was  fiona  michaels.   the  irony  wasn’t  lost  on  him  and  he  thought  it  was  a  very  tongue-in-cheek  way  of  hiding  in  plain  sight.  (  no  one  would  expect  a  mikaelson  to  be  that  obtuse.  )   he  put  arlo’s  body  on  ice  and  delivered  it  back  to  him  with  a  intricately  scrawled  thank  you  note  with,  of  course,  no  mention  of  the  danger  he  would  potentially  be  in  if  daniel  /  levi  /  famine  ever  decided  to  retaliate.  oops.

arlo  got  his  body  back,  moved  back  home  with  his  mother,  and  had  his  boyfriend  move  in  too.  they’ve  never  had  the  ‘what  are  we’  talk,  but  they  can  barely  spend  a  few  hours  apart  so  it  feels  kind  of  inevitable.  he’s  still  in  the  closet  with  his  mother  though  because  if  she  knew  the  truth,  they  certainly  wouldn’t  be  allowed  to  share  his  room  anymore.  this  is  a  lie  he  doesn’t  mind  keeping.  besides,  they  owe  him.

his  parents  are  trying  to  marry  him  off  to  victoria  villalobos.  her  father  made  an  arrangement  with  his  father.  as  far  as  his  mother  knows,  spades  is  a  respectable  businessman  and  it’s  a  good  family.  she  thinks  this  is  good  for  him,  that  he  could  be  happy.  (  she,  after  all,  married  for  love  and  all  it  brought  her  was  pain.  )  he  tried  to  say  no,  tried  to  stand  up  to  his  father  for  once  in  his  life,  but  he  made  it  clear  there  was  no  choice.   if  arlo  messes  this  up,  it’s  his  mother’s  blood  on  his  hands.   so  he’s  going  to  marry  victoria  because  he  has  no  other  choice.  to  protect  his  family,  he’d  do  anything.  the  worst  part  is  that  as  much  as  he  hates  his  father,  he  still  loves  him.  no  matter  what  he  does,  what  lines  he  crosses,  his  devotion  is  almost  pathological.   there  is  a  part  of  him  too  that  wonders  if  he’s  destined  to  become  his  father  even  though  he’s  done  everything  in  his  power  to  resist  it.  he  killed  a  version  of  himself  from  some  other  timeline,  not  to  mention  he  helped  bury  an  innocent  girl,  so  if  there’s  a  slippery  slope  he  feels  like  he’s  skidding  dangerously  close  to  it.

he  is  on  the  verge  of  discovering  his  darklighter  powers  so  stay  tuned  for  that.

CONNECTIONS

- people that finn mikaelson might have crossed or pissed off when he was in his body. - someone finn might have helped when he was riding arlo’s body. (taken by henrik) - he’s learning how to orb so winding up in different places might be kind of funny. bonus points if it’s at awkward or inopportune times. - someone who knows about dark lighters / what this orbing means so that he can sort of understand wtf is happening and how it’s possible.  (taken by parker) - he walks dogs so maybe he made a friend while out walking them?????

[echodrops]

A random thought I had what if the final “boss” Of Noragami turns out to be not father, but Izanagi. And the guy who set up the Shinto system was the worst Child abuser of them all? (Ebisu and Kagatsuchi could vouch for Izanagi’s propensities) Would that change your thoughts on the Tsukiyomi Theory? I admit I don’t have much to support it. Just I think that in a series that deals with child abuse as seriously as this one. It’s weird that Izanagi would fall off the radar like he does in myth.

Gonna answer two asks in one here, since they’re both about the Tsukuyomi theory.

I’ve toyed around with the idea of Father being Izanagi for a while–there are definitely some connections there:

1) “Father” as a name and a role in the story; as far as dads go in Japanese mythology, Izanagi is definitely the most well-known.

2) The idea of “culling the herd” is so opposite of Izanagi’s stated goal of giving life to 1,500 new humans for every 1,000 Izanami claims that it almost seems to fit with Noragami’s theme of the gods being completely different in “reality” compared to the way humans perceive them (Izanami only wanting friends, Bishamon being a gorgeous lady, not a bearded warrior male lol)

3) The complete lack of mentioning Izanagi in the manga so far has been a bit odd, given that we have seen Izanami and others related to that family.

4) Izanagi does basically deserve “shit dad of the era” award, so if Fujisaki doesn’t have anything to do with Izanagi, then they should totally take it behind the nearest Denny’s and fight it out for world’s worst dad title.

But especially with the events that have unfolded lately in the manga, I’m leaning away from this idea. Mostly because of this:

We’re shown a corpse beside a lake at the same time we’re shown Father holding the woman he (very likely) was in love with. Considering that it appears shinki who die without turning into ayakashi don’t leave bodies behind and we know gods don’t leave bodies, the woman Father loved was more than likely really a human. While I don’t think it would be completely impossible for Izanagi to fall in love with a human and end up standing against all of Heaven for that somehow, that feels like a somewhat unlikely series of events, particularly because it would mean that Amaterasu would have subjugated her own father, which is kind of iffy in terms of the tradition of Japanese filial piety.

We also got a couple more hints about what Father might be over the course of the recent chapters:

Father repeatedly describes himself as being “forsaken” or “forgotten” by Heaven. Yato mentions that “normal” humans shouldn’t be able to use the Koto no Ha. Amaterasu, who clearly knows gods can come back from the Underworld freaks out because she didn’t think there was any way for humans to return. Father can name shinki, possess human bodies, control ayakashi, recognize spells, and battle (almost) on par with Bishamon, the strongest god of war. He knows about the concept of god’s greatest secret, understands the inner-workings of Heaven (aka what determines which gods will reincarnate and who won’t, why Heaven needs humanity, etc.). Furthermore, Father repeatedly expresses concern that Yato won’t be able to reincarnate…

What is the “threshold” for reincarnating? How much belief/how many followers does a god need to really reincarnate? Is being in even one human memory enough, or do you need a ton of people? This isn’t clear. But I do think it’s odd for Yato’s self-proclaimed “lifeline” to be thinking his pet god can’t reincarnate. Maybe it’s because Yato doesn’t have enough followers–or maybe it’s because Father isn’t human at all, and therefore couldn’t help Yato reincarnate even if he wanted to?

Honestly, I really don’t know what Adachitoka have up their sleeve. They’ve done a fantastic job of keeping Father’s identity and motivations a secret–even when they reveal things like the flashback above, the “reveals” tend to bring up more questions rather than answers! There is so much conflicting evidence supporting either side at this point that it’s really just a matter of “We have to wait and see.”

Father could be a human who found some way to seize the powers of the gods for himself, possibly by being a holy man (such as a buddhist monk, I saw a pretty convincing post about this) or just out of sheer hatred for the gods lol. He clawed his way back out of the Underworld with the Koto no Ha, and is now taking corrupted souls aka ayakashi out of hell and unleashing betrayed and upset former-humans on Heaven and the living world.

Or he could be a god who was punished for doing something against Heaven’s rules, was subjugated/killed by Heaven, and subsequently ignored and allowed to stew in his hatred and desire for revenge to become the monster we know today, but I would somewhat doubt whether he really could be Izanagi without anyone having noticed.

Making a long story longer, ultimately I don’t really think that Father is Izanagi, so I personally wouldn’t be leaning on that for the Tsukuyomi theory. (And even if Father was Izanagi, Tsukuyomi and Amaterasu are like… some of the only children Izanagi didn’t treat like shit, so wouldn’t it make more sense for Father to be more directly connected to other children he mistreated aka Kagutsuchi?)

So what about Yato’s fate if his Father is defeated and Yato isn’t Tsukuyomi?

Well, that whole thing hinges on whether or not you believe that Father really is Yato’s lifeline in the first place. If Father turns out NOT to be a human, then the whole lifeline thing would have been a lie in the first place, and Yato will be in no more danger (in fact, significantly less) after defeating his Father than he would have been otherwise.

If Father really is his lifeline, Yato states that he has Hiyori. He’s also becoming an increasingly well-known god with a new official godly name, etc. If Yato continues to do good work with Yukine and increase his status, he’ll probably begin to work his way into the consciousness of the human world and gain enough followers to secure his safety. Hiyori could also establish him as the personal god of her family or something. He has options.

And anyway, as I mentioned in my original post on the Tsukuyomi theory, just because I don’t personally like it doesn’t mean I don’t think it has some basis. I honestly could see it happening–but that doesn’t mean I have to like it when it does. XD

The other thing I wanted to address was the idea of “change” that was brought up in the second ask, which I think is odd, because as far as I’ve seen, one of the number one things that Tsukuyomi theory fans say is that “Yato won’t change even if he is Tsukuyomi!” Like, if we’re talking about the moon god having to do with change, then that’s one thing, but as far as I can tell, the number one defense of the theory being okay story-wise is that it wouldn’t actually cause Yato to change, so…

Just on a personal level, I don’t understand the viewpoint that Yato wouldn’t change significantly if he was revealed to be Tsukuyomi. To me, this is the equivalent of saying “This poor person had amnesia for 15 years… Now they’ve suddenly remembered their entire past, who they were before, and all their previous lifestyle… but nothing about them is going to change, promise!”

Even if we completely ignore the possibility of Yato having to go back to being Tsukuyomi in the future, just revealing that a character had a whole other life is enough to change who that person is in the readers’ minds and how they think of themselves. Revealing that Yato was really Tsukuyomi all along would mean potentially revealing previous relationships with other gods, previous shinki, previous homes, previous worshipers, previous powers, previous attitudes… Unless we just collectively agree to pretend that Tsukuyomi sat in the same spot and never interacted with anyone else for thousands of years, then revealing that Yato is Tsukuyomi would mean revealing that he had a previous life, and that would be a big change in how we view his character–and what his current friends, beliefs, and situation actually mean in the grand scheme of the story.

Honestly I’m kind of confused about the whole thing anyway–people want Yato to be Tsukuyomi… but then multiple people who support the theory say they don’t think it will cause Yato to change, so… People want him to be Tsukuyomi, but not live like, act like, or in any way fulfill the role of Tsukuyomi in the Heavens? Doesn’t that just actually mean “I want Yato to become the god of the moon,” rather than “I want Yato to be Tsukuyomi”?

I just personally can’t imagine any reveal of Yato being Tsukuyomi that doesn’t also include some kind of flashbacks to the person he used to be–or Yato somehow regaining knowledge of his “true self”–and I can’t see how people think this won’t affect who he is and how he thinks of himself. The only way I could see that happening is if Yato actively chooses NOT to return to being Tsukuyomi.

(But in that case, what’s the point of being excited about the theory if the only thing you want out of the reveal is for him to reject that past identity?)

And I mean… are there fans that are okay with the idea of Yato flat out refusing to do Tsukuyomi’s job? Do people really want him to find out who he is and just go “Nah, thanks guys, but I think I’ll just stay Yatogami and let that whole Tsukuyomi thing sort itself out?” To me this seems not only contrary to Yato’s own wish to be a well-known and loved god, but also contrary to his powerful sense of duty.

One of the most central facets of Yato’s character growth has been learning to look beyond his own self-serving ends, to put aside his own wants and needs in order to genuinely serve and help others. From the boy who is willing to kill for praise to the boy who covets money to build his own shrine to the boy who selflessly risks his own life to save a friend in need–Yato’s whole track as a character has been learning to do what’s right, even when what’s right doesn’t have any immediate benefits for himself, such as when Yukine told him to keep killing ayakashi and Yato wondered how that would help him become a god of fortune.

I can’t see Yato in his present state (as a character who has grown to the point of being selfless enough to risk his life to save Heaven from his own Father), being completely okay with ignoring Tsukuyomi’s role or responsibilities. He would be expected to return to Heaven among the other ancient gods. He would be expected to answer the prayers of people at Tsukuyomi shrines. He would expected to conduct himself like a god known by every single Shinto believer in Japan. He’d likely have to like… do something with the moon…??? And I just can’t see Yato looking at all this and going “I think Heaven should just deal with not having Tsukuyomi around despite the fact that I’m technically back.”

I think that if Yato discovered he was Tsukuyomi, he would do his best to fulfill the role he was apparently born to fulfill–and as a reader, I don’t think I’d be happy if he didn’t, if he shirked his duty to humanity intentionally.

If we buy into the idea that the gods exist for a reason–that they exist to fill important roles in human consciousness and life–then I can’t imagine as a reader that I would ever be okay with Yato finding out he’s the god of the moon… And then refusing to be the god of the moon and all that entails. And that would mean that he would change, not gradually, but abruptly. 

So that’s my two cents on the whole “change” and Tsukuyomi theory. As I mentioned before, as possible as I think it is, the whole thing just confuses me entirely from a writing/narrative standpoint.

[sweet-popplio]

I don’t know what to do recovery wise.

————————-

I know that being independent and moving out would most likely help me mentally because being 27 and still living with my parents makes me feel... like I’m a failure.

I know people tried to make me feel better about it in the past, but even if I got word confirmation from my parents that they AREN’T disappointed in me, I’d still be disappointed in me. I’d also not believe them.

The closest to recovery I ever felt was when I had that full time job at the graphic design place as an assistant graphic designer. Because A) I FINALLY had an art related job, so when people asked what I was doing, I could proudly say I had an art job. B) I was full time so my paychecks were pretty nice. It was only $9 an hour but that was the most money I had ever made at any point in my life. And having the heath benefits made me feel more secure. And finally C) Because I still went to my therapist and finally had a decent income, for once in probably... eh 5 years? I could actually imagine a future for myself.

Despite that, the job still sucked. I didn’t really feel like I was encouraged to use my artistic potential. Instead I was told to be faster by copying and pasting stuff from the internet and it rubbed me wrong from the beginning and so art-wise, it was a very unfulfilling job. But the financial stability made me push those feelings to the side. I still had problems, but financial stability and title made me feel more like an adult which alleviated my constant voice in my head telling me I was a failure. Because I failure wouldn’t have a full time job as an assistant graphic designer.

I feel like moving out and having a better paying job with health benefits would help, but I know I also have some deep set problems within myself that I never got to work out with my therapist. I only now realize the depth of it thanks to weed. It has allowed me to think about things in a safe environment in my head rather than avoiding thinking all together. For the last 5-ish years I’ve done everything I could to NOT think. I’ve tried to distract myself with literally everything and anything just so I wouldn’t have to think about anything. It was one thing when I saw my therapist and I HAD to stop and think about things, but since I could no longer see her I have regressed to trying to run away from my thoughts.

Because if I have time to think, then the things I think about are always the worst. It only flings me down a deeper emotional hole. I distracted myself with video games, the gym, work, literally anything that would take up every minute of my time so my mind wouldn’t wander to the dark area of my head that wants me to kill myself.

I’m partially afraid that’s what I am using weed for. To distract myself... to run away from my own head. And in some instances, it does. When I get too high just so I don’t have to think. So I can just be happy.

But in most cases, it makes me feel happy and comfortable enough that I know I can finally think about things and try to delve deeper into my problems so I can dissect them and fix them, and NOT instantly go into an emotional crying fit and dream of self harm.

I can only dissect some stuff on my own. I really need to see a therapist again so I can have another viewpoint... a more educated viewpoint into why, how and what I can do to fix it.

I still have problems enjoying art. I thought maybe I was just going through a phase and I was just no longer interested in art and was forcing myself to do it because it’s what I got a degree in. But I love art, and the feeling of creating is amazing. But for whatever reason there is just a mental roadblock. I only rarely feel like making art now because of weed helping me, but I don’t understand why I feel like I’ve run into a brick wall. I thought maybe if I took a few months off from making art, that I’d regain my love for it and start churning out art again. But I’m not. I somehow am worse. I am sketching MAYBE once a month now. I haven’t had a finished piece in ages.

I’m cycling between never wanting to be at home, so I try to schedule all of my days off with my friends or I am being a complete hermit and not leaving home even when I kinda want to go out and do things. It’s so confusing. I want to understand myself better but feel like I won’t really get there unless I can get with a good therapist. But I can’t do that because I don’t have the finances or the health insurance to do so, and I can’t have good finances without a well paying full time job and that’s where I end up getting stuck.

Because my fear of failure keeps me from applying or brushing it off because I won’t get it anyway, so why try?

I try to practice positivity. I tell myself “I won’t know until I try. I 100% won’t get it if I don’t try” but it only helps me so much. The fear of failure is just that bad that even positive logic like that can’t dissolve it. I realize it’s ridiculous but I’m serious when I say that this fear of failure runs back so long and I have no idea where it even came from. I remember wanting to put a knife in my gut in 3rd grade just because I was making poor grades in math. I would try to have my mom help me but I just couldn’t wrap my head around it or it sounded like trying to listen to someone talk to you through several walls. I remember her leaving for a sec and looking around her room and fixating on a knife that she had in there because she was doing some craft project, and all I could think about unblinkingly with tears in my eyes was picking it up and stabbing it into my stomach because the self loathing I felt over my grades was so strong, it almost felt like the right course of action. I didn’t want to be perceived as stupid so badly. And since then it just been a course of self loathing that I guess built up into depression? But I’ve had thoughts of harming myself so much as a kid that it confuses me as to whether that was all depression too? Something else entirely? I never did really harm myself though, it was mostly thinking about doing it but it would be very intense. Like I could solve my problems if I just drowned myself stabbed myself,etc. Didn’t do well in school? I’d think about self harm. Felt lonely because I had a hard time making friends? Hardly anyone wanted to associate with me? Man, sounds like if I died then my problems would be over. Felt like I was unlovable because everyone around me was dating and all I would get is being asked out as a joke? .... you get the picture.

This turned into a venting thing really fast, but I end up using this blog to get stuff out and it makes me feel better temporarily. I know it’s probably annoying to most people who started following my blog (and why you did, I’ll never know). It’s to be expected these days and if I could actually use a read more option on mobile then I’d totally clean my blog up and it would keep you from having to look at my paragraphs long post and going “oh shit, not this bitch again” and it just be a neat little thing tucked under a read more that you could skip entirely and not have to endlessly scroll down.

[euphorianyx]

Daddy Issues [Sunset] -16-

Pairing: JungKook & Reader

Genre: Smut, Fluff, Angst

Summary: A top student, marks always high. College was not a dream for her…Except she didn’t have enough money. Her parents never earned much so they literally took care of themselves. Her boss acting like a dick towards her she quit her job. Even though she had no idea what she let herself into this was her only option.

Other Chapters

“I have her...but are you sure she is bad at all?”

Father Jeon’s voice was colder than ever on the other side of the line.

“Since when do you ask questions?”

Unlike his usually cold self YoonGi stared at your unconscious form. Somehow you seemed to be different. YoonGi’s voice got lower when you sighed and turned your head.

“Maybe she really loves your son...”

Father Jeon let out a cold and ironic laugh out. YoonGi was annoyed but he had to keep it cool so he waited for him to speak. 

“Isn’t it better not to think and just do what you are told?”

This man was too much sometimes, YoonGi thought than sighed.

“Okay”

He ended the call without waiting for any other word. Throwing his phone to the back seat he fixed his eyes on the road. It was darker as the turned right. You were not in the middle of the rushing crowd anymore. In fact you were about to arrive his so called home at the outer part of the glamorous city. 

YoonGi parked the car to the very back and stopped it. The chill breeze of the night was fresh on his skin. YoonGi left you in there to unlock the door of his place then walked to your side slowly. Still in deep sleep your body fell towards YoonGi when he opened the door. Holding you within quick move of his left hand, he stared at your face. Your soft hair was covering your cheek. Lips slightly open, a low sigh left them. The shadow of your long lashes fallen on your cheekbones.

“Jeon is a lucky bastard, isn’t he?”

YoonGi murmured as he slowly picked you up. He carried you inside and carefully placed you on his bed. YoonGi stood still for a moment and thought what he could do with you. 

YoonGi was cold blooded when it came to work. If he had to torture or kill someone he would do it but he didn’t want to hurt you. You were way too beautiful for that. Cutting the monologue inside his head, you whispered something. YoonGi tried to focus and understand but your words slurred.YoonGi found himself smiling at you but was quick to recover from it.

JungKook’s phone rang, tearing the silence of his bedroom apart. He shifted in his dark blue sheets to grab the phone. Rubbing his eyes he stared at the screen blankly for a second before he answered.

“What is it?”

YugYeom’s voice on the other side of the line gave out he was worried.

“Its Y/N...”

YugYeom stopped for a good second before he went on. He just did not know how to explain the situation so he just said it right away.

“She was at this pub and left with Min YoonGi.”

JungKook’s eyes widen after what he heard. He kicked the sheets off of his body and was up on his bare feet. This could be the last yet worst thing he expected. He lost his cool and cursed under breath.

“Damn it...Did you track him down?”

Yugyeom was way far from being calm when he answered the question.

“He noticed and we lost track.”

It was not hard for YugYeom to guess how angry JungKook must be.

“I apologize for the mistake and I will fix it.”

JungKook’s voice was colder but calmer.

“Do not do anything... I will handle this on my own.”

JungKook hung up the phone and searched in his contacts for another number. The not too familiar guy answered after 5 long rings.

“Jeon...”

Only in his Gucci boxers JungKook rested his hand on the cold window as he spoke with deep and firm voice.

“Min YoonGi... I guess this will be the time we meet in person.”

The lights coming from the garden of his mansion reflected in his eyes before he squinted them.

YoonGi knew it was no joke when he heard the way JungKook spoke. He might be young but when he ruled his fathers street business he became a legend for a reason. Avid, brave, smart and cruel... Even his father did not know half of what he has done. YoonGi literally was the only one JungKook did not lay his hands on.   

Not that YoonGi did not trust himself or anything but this meant a choice between father and son. YoonGi knew damn well the wrong step would cost his life. He had to make wise choices.

“She is fine... I only have to keep her away from you.”

JungKook spoke casually yet something in his voice was still dark.

“Ohhh... It seems my father gotten softer lately. Do I have to explain what will happen if you lay a finger on her?”

YoonGi tried to come off collected.

“No, I know... And I do not want to do it so stay away.”

JungKook ironic yet devilish chuckle filled YoonGi’s ears.

“Are you really going to play this way YoonGi? But my patience has its limits and I am getting angry. Believe me... You would not want me angry. Now just tell me where you are so I can come and get her.”

YoonGi realized he really was in trouble and JungKook was not having it. He just decided to test his reaction.

“Tell you and and get myself killed? I do not think so...”

JungKook sighed.

“If you tell me now, you will have my protection.”

YoonGi thought for a good minute. There was not many options left so he decided on the better one. He cleared his throat then gave the address. 

Waiting for JungKook to arrive was painful and you waking up did not help anything at all.

Your head was still hurting as you opened your eyes slowly. The tiny bed did not seem familiar at all. Taking a look at the dark place you realized it was somewhere you never knew. Furrowing your eyes you tried to remember what happened.

When the memories of you talking to YoonGi and getting in his car came back, you cursed under your breath. Lifting the old violet sheets you peeked inside. Relieved you had your clothes on except the jacket and shoes, you let your breathe out.

The chuckle coming from the door caused you to shudder. YoonGi handed you a glass of water with lemon as he softly spoke.

“No worries... Nothing happened.”

You chugged the water down to ease the burn in your throat.

“Where are we?”

YoonGi stood next to the bed awkwardly and avoided your stare with pulling the snapback down to his eyes.

“You drank too much and passed out in my car so I took you to my place. Technically we are out the city.”

You bite down your lip and checked the time. 

“He is going to...”

YoonGi cut you off with a somewhat cold voice.

“JungKook is on his way to pick you up.”

You froze. How did he even find you here at 5 am. Then you rolled your eyes at yourself because you were surprised by it. It was Jeon JungKook and if he wanted to find you he would.

The room fell silent for a while. You thought how JungKook would react. Him coming to get you was something positive, wasn’t it? You sighed because you knew damn well you were in trouble.

“Look YoonGi just don’t say anything okay? I will explain this whole thing... If I can...”

YoonGi’s lips slightly curled up as he spoke softly.

“You are trembling Y/N. Are you that afraid of him?”

You shook your head as stood up from the bed.

“Not like that. I just don’t want to lose him.”

The softness and truth in your voice was undeniable. YoonGi fixed the black snapback back up and looked at you in the eyes.

“Look... I get it and you won’t...”

YoonGi's words were comforting and gave you some hope. You smiled at him kindly and he found himself doing the same. Then you started to search for your jacket and small bag. YoonGi sat down in the corner with his arms crossed. His eyes followed your every single move. It was not his intention but he could not stop it. However the loud knock on the door was earlier than he expected.

JungKook impatiently stood on the door as he fixed his rolex casually. Even though he probably rushed out he looked perfect. Black shirt and black fitted pants with a casual dark grey jacket. Not to mention the kind of messy hair he tamed with his fingers.

“Listen JungKook...I...”

Cutting you off JungKook pulled you to himself by the waist. His grip was tight but you were so lost in his eyes to realize.

“You never stop getting in trouble.”

His low whisper sent shivers down your spine.

“I just wanted to drink something and...Passed out. I am sorry.”

That was the only thing you could say at that moment.His long fingers caressed your soft cheek gently, leaving them warm and red.

“Aren’t you mad at me?”

You directed those innocent eyes at him.

“Ohh I am Y/N... But first I am taking you home. Go, get in the car.”

You walked out and headed towards the car as he said.

Lighting up a cigar YoonGi said.

“Your father underestimated you Jeon.”

JungKook directed his intense gaze towards YoonGi along with a haughty smirk.

“Thats his weakness... From now on, you will be working for me.”

YoonGi furrowed his eyebrows.

“Thats what it takes huh?”

JungKook did not answer. A plain cold stare was the only thing YoonGi got.

“Fine but what for? Haven’t you stopped with the street stuff?”

JungKook lifted his hand and YoonGi stopped talking.

“Too many questions for one day, don’t you think? I will contact you when I need you.”

With that he turned around and left. Getting in the car, he avoided eye contact with you. The sun was rising and the sky wore its blue back again. The ride was silent until you realized he was not taking you to your home but his.

“JungKook...”

He answered without looking at you.

“Yes...”

You stated your thought plainly.

“I thought you were taking me to my home.”

JungKook pressed his lips together.

“You were not planning to come back?”

He was hurt but tried to hide it under his poker face. However he forgot you knew him better than that.

“I was... But don’t you think we need to talk about...us?”

His hands on the wheel slightly eased with relief.

“Y/N look... I know you are not under contract anymore... And what I said back there...I just...”

Your voice was softer than he expected.

“You just don’t know how to handle this, do you?”

JungKook pressed his lips together.

“Don’t expect me to change Y/N... This is who I am.”

You arched your eyebrows.

“I still have a few things to ask for JungKook, to make this work.”

JungKook kept his poker face as he asked. Somehow he found your stubborn nature amusing. 

“Let me hear them first...”

JungKook was not sure if he would accept or not. All he knew was things never went as he expected when it came to you. 

“First... No more Mr Jeon...You are not my boss or anything.”

JungKook sighed.

“As if I was before... You know I already gave in that one.”

You chuckled.

“Second... No more secrets. I need to know everything if I am going to be a part of your life.”

JungKook’s hand swept his hair. You realized he did this when he was nervous. Proof of your thought was his silence.

“Y/N thats...”

You cut him off.

“I won’t have it any other way JungKook. How this will work if you don’t trust me at all?”

Eyes dark, he sighed.

“Just give me some time, okay? I don’t know if you are ready for this.I do not want you to change.”

Even though he abstained, his voice was soft so you kept calm.

“I will not change JungKook.”

JungKook said nothing back because he was afraid to lose the one and only true thing in his life. You knew he needed assurance and some time for this one so you let it slip.

“Third... Don’t see someone else.”

JungKook scoffed.

“I never did.”

Your voice was firm and shoulders were tense.

“I am not stupid JungKook. I read the terms of the contract after I signed. There was a part on that to allow you. Not even going to mention JiHyo...”

JungKook’s expression got way more serious. He arched his eyebrows and an voice was rough.

“I am in love with you Y/N. You think I will do that?”

You shook your head.

“It’s hard for me to believe you love me JungKook...”

His expression softened but he was confused. Eyes wide he asked.

“Why?”

You locked your hands on your legs. Gazing down on your fingers you played with them.

“Because I have got nothing...And you... You can have anything and anyone JungKook. It just does not make sense.”

A few minutes ago you were setting rules for him now you were just that innocent girl. JungKook could not decide if you were a blessing or a trouble but either way he was into you. JungKook pulled the car in front of the door of his mansion and you both got out. 

“Y/N you have everything I can’t find in this world.You are my escape from this hell.”

His words hit you harder than you expected. Speechless you stared at him. JungKook took a step towards you and laid his hands on the car on each side of you. His heavy breaths, the not so intense but perfect smell of the perfume got you dizzy. 

JungKook’s lips devoured yours. Wrapping your arms around his neck you let your tongue dance along with his. You both pushed your limits but finally broke the kiss for some air.

Trying to calm down you whispered.

“We should talk about this no touch part too.”

JungKook flased a dazzling smile and his voice was that sweet low tone.

“Maybe... but I won’t change the way I fuck you. Better be ready when I am back.”

You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion.

“Where are you going.”

JungKook casually shrugged.

“Just need to talk to my father. I will be back soon.”

JungKook took some of his anger from asphalt but even that did not stop him from the things he was going to say.

JungKook casually walked in and employees around all greeted him with respect. He took the principal elevator and passed the hallway. Father Jeon’s secretary just smiled.

“Let me inform your father sir.”

JungKook did not even stop.

“That won’t be necessary.”

He walked in right away. His father was checking some documents.

“I told you I don’t want to see anyone...”

When he raised his head and faced with JungKook he casually smiled.

“What do I owe this visit son?”

JungKook walked towards the desk and put his hands on as he leaned in.

“Sending your dirtiest man after an innocent girl... You are classy father, aren’t you?”

His expression was serious but still cold.

“How did you find out?”

YoonGi was the only one that JungKook could not find. At least Father Jeon thought so. JungKook stared right into his eyes.

“Do not underestimate me Father and do not underestimate the things I will do if anything happens to Y/N.”

His father rested his hands on the table and locked them.

“Oh I don’t son. I know what you can do. But do you know what I do is the best for our family, you and the empire we built in all these years?” 

With all his seriousness Father Jeon raised from his seat.

“We all sacrificed something in this way. You are going to get your symbol soon and there will be a price to pay.”

JungKook knew he was the almost the official inheritance age of the family but what he heard was too much. The tattoo meant he was chosen to rule this company, even the chain this company was a part of. He was going to be the bosses bosses boss. Something even his father has not done. And it was not hard to guess the price his father was talking about.

Next Chapter

[425599167]

Do you have any advice on writing Barriss? I got recommended you as the person to ask, because I was thinking about writing something with her.

Really? Alright, here are some guidelines for her and the other canon/legend characters I’ve included. Let me know if it helps.

Barriss:

Barriss embodies every contradiction and failing of Jedi philosophy. Pacifism when convenient, fear of the dark side despite fear being considered a path to it, all of that. Training her whole life to become a Jedi has left her mired in that mindset and she can’t see her way out, because she’s stopped wanting the thing she’s always wanted, and that would make all her efforts “pointless”.

Barriss is completely self-aware. On some level, she knows about #1. And it gnaws at her. Constantly. The reason she’s seemingly the first Jedi to have doubts about the war and act on them is because the contradictions became too much.

Barriss is resourceful. Combat-wise, she is scarily good at using the environment to her advantage, either through improvised weapons or use of terrain. This was obvious in her fight with Ashoka, hiding behind industrial machinery, creating distractions, and then the steam trick. This was also noticeable on Geonosis: it was her initial idea to use the enemy’s own tank against them. Depending on how much control the brain worm had, using shards of broken equipment may have also been her idea. Being weirdly proficient at combat is just another thing about herself that confuses and worries her.

Barriss isn’t dark-sided. Alignment in the Force is usually treated as dependent on intent, not consequence, that’s why dark sides rely on emotions like anger and hatred. Killing alone isn’t what draws on either side of the Force, motivation determine that. Barriss does not want to be what she is. She still killed those people, and has to be held responsible for it, but there wasn’t any real malevolence behind it, just fear and desperation. That’s not darkness on its own.

Barriss is highly intelligent, arguably the smartest padawan we see, probably one of the smartest people in the Jedi Order. Her memory is keen, and with adequate prep time, she can come up with detailed and extremely effective strategies. Improvisation isn’t her forte, but she can at least adapt fast enough to accomplish her goal. The only reason her plot failed, even after things started getting beyond her control, was because she let Ventress live and kept her sabers, which could charitably be interpreted as an act of self-sabotage.

Barriss is isolated. Sure, she gets along enough well with others, but Ahsoka was probably her only actual friend. Her self-image revolves around what (she thinks) Luminara thinks of her, and has no other role models. She hates being touched, but needs to be hugged.

Barriss is self-loathing. She’s a murderer and a hypocrite and she knows it. It’s important to note she considered herself those things before the bombing due to her participation in the war. She also has no idea what to do about it. No matter what opinion people have of her, in-universe or out, no one hates Barriss more than Barriss hates Barriss.

Ahsoka:

Ahsoka doesn’t like being jerked around. Attempts to manipulate or use her in any way really irritate her, especially after the events leading up to her leaving the Jedi. Any kind of foul play or indication of such will immediately tick her off. 

Ahsoka doesn’t like being alone. She was raised in a communal setting, and throughout the Clone Wars, there probably wasn’t a single day that went by without her interacting with Anakin, Obi-Wan, R2, other Jedi, the clones, or Padmé, all of whom were practically family to her. Now she doesn’t have them. At best, she knows they’re alive but can’t reach them, at worst, she knows or believes they’re dead. She’s getting new people in her life and mending her relationship with Barriss, but it’s difficult.

Ahsoka won’t hesitate. Her development didn’t just teach her restraint, it was gaining experience so she knows what to do immediately when split-second decision making is required. She’s a survivor, and will kill people if they’re a threat. Killing isn’t her go-to option, but if her opponent has to die for her or her friends to live, it’s the end for them.

Ahsoka is tough. Should go without saying at this point, but she’s extremely strong and is an experienced soldier and survivalist. She can whether harsh environments, and use weapons other than her saber with a reasonable degree of skill. The destruction of the Jedi and the Republic shook her, but she kept going. She hurts, but she endures. Somehow.

Ahsoka learns from her mistakes. She has combat experience both in space and on the ground, in infiltration and direct attack, some of which nearly killed her and those around her. Every lesson about what it means to be a Jedi, or a leader, she is paying attention and learning, even if she doesn’t get it right away.

Ahsoka is much like Anakin, except better. As her master, he’s had more of an effect on her than anyone else, acting as her primary role model. And she’s better than him. She’s less arrogant, more in control of her emotions, less aggressive, more self-reflective, and isn’t possessive of the people she cares about like he is. 

Thrawn:

Thrawn is a static character. That’s not a criticism of the writing behind him, Thrawn’s lack of personal development is the reason he’s a villain and the eventual cause of his death. He has immense intelligence, but never, not once at any point in his life does he commit any of it towards becoming a better person. He’s completely certain he’s thought everything out and chosen the best option. Throw whatever impassioned speech you want at him about the evils he’s committed, he won’t change. Rukh killed him because he kept the Noghri enslaved, even when he had all the power in the Empire and could’ve freed them, could’ve stopped compromising morality, could’ve stopped lying to himself, and he didn’t. 

Thrawn is a master of psychological warfare and counterintelligence. He understands others easily, but that skill is completely dedicated towards finding ways to bring them down, often by feeding them information which will cause them to act in a way that furthers his plans, or simply causes groups of enemies to lose cohesion because they don’t trust each other. He doesn’t just anticipate his enemies, he makes them do what he wants. Also the art thing is over-exaggerated. If you can come up with an interesting way to include it, great, but it’s really the least interesting or menacing thing about the character.

Thrawn has just enough noble qualities to make people think the Empire is something worth fighting for. While the xenophobic higher-ups in the Empire may loathe him, one of his greatest strengths is how he’s seen by people who serve under him. He values the lives of his soldiers, and won’t waste them. Through his skill as a strategist, he gives them hope of victory. He respects their work, and they know it. And it’s not an act. Vader is feared, Thrawn is respected. Palpatine controls, Thrawn leads.

Thrawn is only as evil as necessary, but he’s still Evil. Don’t ignore that.

Thrawn is alien. While he may be closer to human than many Star Wars species, he has an uncanny-valley creepiness to him in contrast to more overtly terrifying villains like Vader. One thing I wish Rebels had kept was that his eyes don’t have pupils; I understand it was so the audience can see where he’s looking, but not being able to read him would work in the show’s favor. Don’t show his inner thoughts unless it’s absolutely necessary. Keep his exact mindset and motivations unknown to everyone, including his allies. With Ahsoka, despite being non-human she still acts and emotes like one, and her alien features correspond to human ones i.e. hair and eyebrows. The audience is intended to treat Ahsoka like a human, while they should be given reminders that Thrawn is definitely not.

Talon Karrde:

Karrde honors his deals. If he says he’ll do something, he’ll do it, even if he does so at a loss, and he won’t pull any exact-words bullshit to wriggle out of it. He’s a good foil for Hondo Ohnaka.

Karrde is fair. His employees are paid well, and there are significant benefits to working for him, especially in comparison to other criminals. The agreements he makes with people that are mutually beneficial, and he’s open to renegotiation. Still, that’s all it is: an agreement. Working with him doesn’t make him your friend.

Karrde came from nothing. It’s never established in Legends, but I think this guy grew up poor, and now that he has considerable funds at his disposal with more coming in, he wants the bestest, highest-quality ships and equipment and supplies. For himself, and for the people who work for him. Looking down on him for being a smuggler is one of the few things that can get under his skin. Brings back memories. 

Karrde is nondescript. He’s got a lot of money, but nothing about his appearance and residence are ostentatious. It’s all part of keeping a low profile, not drawing more enemies by showing off his success.

Karrde keeps calm. Even in dire situations, the guy keeps a cool head and tries to see his way out of it. He’s in complete control of his facial expressions and body language, and gives nothing away. In Legends, he was able to keep out of Thrawn’s clutches for a while, and his abilities should reflect that.

Karrde tries to act True Neutral, but he’s actually Neutral Good. He doesn’t like people knowing this.

Oh boy, do I have thoughts on Revan:

Revan is not good or evil. In my opinion, it’s best when “Revan the Prodigal Knight” and “Darth Revan, Lord of the Sith” are only a hair’s breadth different from each other. Close enough you wouldn’t be able to tell which is which until you’ve had a very long discussion. My “light side” Revan holocron has not lost a step and is still one of the baddest (ex)meatbags in the galaxy. If they’re being written as a perfect hero or a remorseless monster, you’re missing a lot of opportunities.

Revan thinks in the long-term. The extreme long term. It wouldn’t be unusual for them to lay groundwork for objectives which are years, decades, or in the case of my Revan, centuries away. This is also a factor in how their sense of morality got warped, willing to sacrifice millions if it means the galaxy will still be populated in a thousand years. That big-picture thinking lets them shrug off the “small” stuff. Like the trail of corpses they leave.

Revan is a polymath. Much of what makes them so improbably hypercompetent is that, unlike many characters, they are not overspecialized either in skill or general knowledge. They don’t know everything, but they can be considered to have taken a 100-level course in basically any subject you want to bring up. They’ve canonically shown knowledge of strategy, tactics, politics, history, economics, sociology, linguistics, and multiple fields of engineering ranging from functional to expert, in addition to detailed understanding of the Jedi and Sith.

Revan is pretty laid back most of the time. They’re probably the least dramatic Sith… for however much that’s worth, and are pretty forgiving. While Malak was giddily prepping the stage for their climactic final duel on the top deck of the Star Forge, Revan was probably standing alone in the elevator during the long ride up the megastructure, humming their own made-up theme music or something. Among Star Wars characters, they have one of the more deliberate senses of humor, intentionally making jokes rather than incidentally doing things the audience might be amused by. Even when explaining something deeply philosophical, they speak with a casual tone and vocabulary you’d expect of an average person. They know bigger words, in several languages, but if the intent is communicating a point to people, there’s no need to act sophisticated. They’re not overly polite or sesquipedalian, and they’re not reserved about profanity.

Revan doesn’t depend on the Force. I have no love for Kreia, but this is consistent with what you might expect from her training. While stronger with it, Revan is fully capable of fighting without supernatural aid, or lightsabers for that matter. In-game, they show skill in using vibroblades, blasters, and various explosives, and the game allows the use of advanced cybernetic implants. Even after becoming a Jedi again, Revan is the one operating the gun turret and regularly shooting down whole squads of fighters. They’re also capable of talking their way out of most situations either through negotiation, bribery, lies, or threats, to the point where a high persuade skill is arguably better than the mind-trick power. For all the jokes about how most players approached the final battle with Malak with mines, to me, it’s completely in character for Revan to have been using grenades and mines both out of practicality, and to mock Malak with the fact he’s getting a taste of his own medicine by getting blown up from a distance.

Revan doesn’t care for your rules. This isn’t some juvenile “rebellious” attitude. It’s logically picking apart constraints and flawed processes, not for the sake of doing so, but because they are wrong, Revan can prove it, and they are superior to those who refuse to address their own mistakes as a result. No one and nothing is above criticism or ridicule, ever. And that includes Revan themself. They can take (useful) criticism.

Revan is a control freak. Their core flaw is immense confidence in their own superiority over everyone driving them to control everything because they can clearly do it better than anybody else can. People don’t often pick up on this because a) it’s a fun and necessary part of the game and b) Revan usually does do a better job than everybody. This behavior is obvious as a Sith, but even as a Jedi, Revan is someone who takes it upon themself to solve every single problem they encounter. Revan was the only one who could stop the Mandalorians. The only one who could save the Republic. The only one who could control the Star Forge. The only one who can beat Malak. You could make jokes about how everyone else in the galaxy is too incompetent to do anything right, or you could see various unnecessary sidequests as examples of Revan needlessly inserting themself into every situation they come across to exercise their power, benevolently motivated or otherwise. Revan didn’t need to hunt those bounties on Taris, or become swoop champion on two planets, or literally beat every professional pazaak player in the galaxy at their own game, or decide the outcome of the Sunry trial, or do every single thing possible to get prestige on Korriban when half would do, or hunt down and kill that woman’s fuckbot. That last one didn’t even have any reward, but they do it all anyway. The ultimate end of a light-sided Revan’s character development is to give up on this mindset, summed up with one really underrated line in the tomb of Naga Sadow, directed at Sith who consider themselves so much better than other people and think you should, too: “I don’t believe you. I don’t feel superior to anyone.” If Revan is dark-sided, they never learn when to quit and the entire galaxy suffers for it. Even if you’re writing them as light-sided, those are tough habits to break.

Avoiding pronouns is surprisingly easy and I recommend doing so.

[neutralsupply]

What If Sims Tag!

Chosen OC: Najiyah Eze-Karim

@furiouslydecaffinated tagged me - and no, I had not already done this but was eagerly waiting for somebody to tag me LOL so thank you my little peach!

It was really between Bell, Pari, Naji and Fiona as they are the only ones old enough for this to make sense for... And obviously I chose Naji.

Answers under the cut!

1.   What is your character’s favorite memory?: She has plenty. She loves her moms to death so pretty much anything she does with them is her favorite. But if I had to choose a specific thing, it would probably be meeting Jax. He saved her from a shitty situation and from that day forward, he’s always had her back.

2.   Who and what would your character give their life for?:  Her moms. Always without skipping a beat. 

3.   What is your character’s greatest fear?: She’s never told Ogebi this (though Siobhan knows) because she knows it would break her heart, but at times she still has nightmares about being Syria and Ogebi never taking her away. I guess she fear the legitimacy of her relationship to her mothers and is afraid somebody will take that away from her. 

4.   What is your character’s proudest accomplishment?: Probably getting into the Ballet Academy. She worked really hard for it.

5.   What is your character’s #1 insecurity?: Not ever being good enough for something. Najiyah doesn’t have the best self-esteem.

6.   What will/can break your character completely?: Being played with. She has always had a blanket of security (her moms and Jax) that helped her through tricky situations, but Najiyah is too nice and naive to navigate sneaky people on her own.

7.   What would your character make a scene in public about?: Not much honestly. Naji is pretty quiet. It’d have to be something outrageous, like somebody messing with the people she loves.

8.   What can drive your character to do criminal acts?: Oh dear... I don’t think she would ever break the law intentionally. But again she is quite naive so she could be manipulated into doing something.

9.   What Pet (mythical or not) would your character want to have?: Do fishes count? Because Naji is very likely to have a fish tank of Spanish Dancers. 

10.      What is the cutest thing your character has ever done?: So when she was maybe 9 or 10, Najiyah wanted to surprise her moms for mother’s day. So she woke up early to make them pancakes and coffee and have breakfast in bed. Everything was going according to plans, the pancakes looked lovely, the coffee was brewing... Except she forgot to turn off the stove after she was done, and the heat burnt off all the butter in the pan setting off the smoke alarm. Needless to say, they did not have breakfast in bed. But hey the pancakes were tasty.

HOW

1.   How does your character feel about sexual intercourse?: She’s a little uncomfortable with the idea because after all she 15 and has lived a pretty sheltered life. Especially with Jax constantly hanging out around her, boys didn’t really come too close to her. So she just wouldn’t know where to begin.

2.   How close is your character with family and friends?: Oh gosh Najiyah is the definition of a perfect daughter. Even though she doesn’t really remember anything about Syria (she was an infant after all), she has a deeply rooted sense of gratefulness to her moms for taking her away and giving her the life that she has. The three of them have a beautiful relationship (would it be a shame if... someone came between them...).

3.   How does your character react to pressure?: Differently depending on the type of pressure. She works very well under physical and mental stress when it comes to ballet, but when it comes to her personal life and relations she can easily shy away.

4.   How religious is your character (if they believe)?:  Neither Ogebi nor Siobhan are religious people. They gave Najiyah the option of choosing her own path, but she never really cared much about religion herself, either. She does follow the golden rule though.

5.   How does your character’s personality change when someone gets uncomfortably close (relationship wise)?: She really doesn’t mind closeness. She has a heart of gold and always lets people in, which is very problematic because although so far the people in her life have only wanted what is best for her, that is bound to change as some point as she grows up...

6.   How does your character’s living space correlate with their personality?: Najiyah’s room is organized chaos. She loves to be surrounded by images either of her loved ones or of her favorite things, so there’s posters and photos everywhere. She also loves pillows. And I mean LOVES pillows.

7.   How well does your character act around with unknown and different people?: Najiyah is shy, but not closed off. She will be the quiet one of the group, she is not weary of new people.

8.   How much does your character value money?: Not at all? Ogebi and Sio are really well off so Naji never really missed out on anything in life. She doesn’t really see value in money, it’s just something that is there. Things may change as she ages and has to manage her own finances, but for now she doesn’t think about money at all.

9.   How would this character cope with losing someone extremely close to them? She would be completely devastated. There are several people in her life she couldn’t do without, and she would probably mourn their loss for the rest of her days.

10.      How long does it take for your character to trust others? Not much at all, really. Naji is pretty naive, and she goes into relationships expecting people to be as good-hearted as she is, so she always gives her trust.

SCENARIOS

1.   If your character could change one thing about themselves, what would they want to change?: If she could, she would make it so she was her mothers’ biological daughter. It’s impossible, obviously, but it would help her with her legitimacy issues. She would also like to be more confident and outspoken, like her suitemates are.

2.   If your character could go back in time at any point in their life, what would they do to change the present?: There really isn’t anything Najiyah would do differently, but again she is also a teeny weeny baby at this point. Plenty of regrettable decisions to come in her (very near) future...

3.   If your character was given a chance at fulfilling their dream, can they drop everything they have now to go pursue it?: That’s what she did with the Academy!

4.   If your character’s current spouse or partner cheated, would they try to make it work or leave forever?: She would try to make it work. As I mentioned, Naji believes everyone is as good-hearted as she is, so if her partner confessed cheating and told her it was a mistake, she’d believe them.

5.   If a zombie apocalypse begun in the town your character currently lives in, what would they act like?: Oh gosh xD I think in moment of need she would realize she is stronger than she thinks. But also Jax. Go find Jax.

6.   What if your character suddenly woke up to an unfamiliar place, and realize the life they lived was all a dream. Their family, friends, home.. all gone but still crazily vivid in their head. How would they react?: She would have a really hard time going through her “real” life with the memories of the “dream” so vivid, especially knowing she’s not her mothers’ daughter anymore (which is her biggest fear).

7.   If your character was thrown in jail, what would they be guilty of?: Oh boy... Probably for helping cover up somebody else’s crime.

8.   Fast Foward 10 years from now, what is your character currently doing?: If things went according to her plan, she would be the prima ballerina at some famous Ballet theatre. But you know me, so things will most likely not go according to her plan.

9.   Your character is in the movie SAW, facing their worst fear. What is that fear, and how does he/she react?: Uh maybe some kind of machine that can either kill her or her moms... She would let herself die rather than kill her moms, but also she knows they would be devastated if they had to watch her die.

10.      We regret to inform you that your character is dead. Where do they end up? Heaven? Hell? And how the heck do they react?: Heaven! The girl is a little angel and also she is still a child. Plenty of time to fuck her up.

I tag @simsomedia @neopixiesims @sandy-sims @nicotinc @something-wicked-sims @stories4sims @eslanes you guys haven’t done it already!

[coldsorescured]

Should I Cancel a Date Because of Cold Sores?

See Should I Cancel a Date Because of Cold Sores? on The Best Place for DIY Oral Herpes Treatments or read the entire post below:

Attempting to navigate the dating scene can be complicated under normal conditions, but a cold sore outbreak can make matters worse.

Should I go on a date with cold sores? What is the cold sore dating etiquette? It is my first date, and I have a cold blister. How can I manage the relationship without feeling embarrassed? These are just a few of the questions that we'll be looking at closely.

Physical appearance is really important when dating. Whether right or wrong, people do judge others based on the way that they look, especially when they're younger. And, right or wrong, they may reach incorrect assumptions about the herpes simplex virus (HSV-1).

There is so much confusion surrounding the subject, and some people think that a cold sore is a sexually transmitted disease (STD). Obviously, a cold sore is contagious, but it's not an STD. Not everybody has the medical knowledge to understand the difference between HSV-1 and HSV-2.

In the complex world of dating, you must first display the right amount of courage. Should you cancel a date because of a cold sore? The final answer could well be determined by your level of self-confidence and the level of maturity of the person that you're dating.

Would you go on a date if you were able to cover up a cold sore and heal faster? Well, you could use a Compeed Invisible Cold Sore Patch to help to treat the condition and make it significantly less noticeable. We just want you to be aware that it isn't all doom and gloom.

Advantages of Going on a Date with Cold Sores

You have a date tonight. Good relationships have always eluded you, but you are eager for another chance. Cold sore and all, you are poised and ready to face the music. Now that you have confidence on your side what are the actual positives of dating with a cold sore?

You allow the other person to see you at your worst. If a romantic relationship develops, they will eventually know everything about you, both literally and figuratively, as time goes on anyway. That said, it can still be difficult to tell a partner that you get cold sores.

Stepping on the scene with a cold sore, especially on a first date, can be viewed as confidence. You are essentially telling your date this is me, here I am, so take it or leave it. Will this frame of mind work? You might be surprised by the positive response you receive. Displaying your true self and being genuine can go a long way. Yes, that's true, even with a red blister on your lip.

If you have an engaging sense of humor the cold sore could be used to strike up a conversation. Seriously. After all, we are all human and have our physical flaws from time to time. Why not make a joke about it?

Take it all in stride and shake it off. What if you accept a date and get food in your teeth? Are you going to get up from the table and leave or just laugh things off? If the date is important enough, you will choose the person over your fear of rejection.

Your current dating status can also work in your favor as a positive. While taking a leap of faith on the first date can show confidence, engaging in multiple dates can display trust. Have you developed a sense of comfort with the person you are dating? If so, they probably do not care too much about your unfortunate blemish. In fact, they probably have a few flaws of their own.

Disadvantages of Dating with a Cold Sore

Do you have a date tonight? Have you have mastered the cold sore etiquette or would you rather cancel your date and play it safe?

Here are a few negatives that could transpire if you decide to put your cold sore on display.

Let's not ignore the elephant in the room. The first con of accepting a date while sporting a cold sore is a complete embarrassment. If the sore is noticed and your companion is turned off immediately, it is likely all downhill from there. Some people find that cold sores are ruining their relationships, regardless of whether it's the judgments of other people or an erosion of self-confidence.

Confidence killer. While some people can deal with virtually any situation, others simply struggle. If you are unable able to cope with cold sore dating etiquette the night could be over before it begins. The inability to deal with your shortcoming could ruin the entire rendezvous. As noted earlier, simply displaying the best version of yourself is critical in dating. For some people sporting a cold sore is enough to kill their self-esteem.

Do you really want to subject yourself to the explaining game? Are you uncertain how to tell someone you have a cold sore? Is it just too much trouble to engage? If you feel that jumping through these hoops is too exhausting, dating is potentially not a wise decision.

Are you greatly concerned about spreading the virus? Will that first date kiss have more implications outside of the obvious? Are you concerned how to prevent cold sores after kissing? If you are uncertain about these questions, you might want to reconsider your plans.

Important Precautions when Dating with HSV 1

This particular portion of the cold sore dating saga comes down to basic respect. Not only respect for your companion but a general respect for yourself.

Although choosing to disclose your status is your decision, taking personal responsibility while on a date is paramount. Whether your date actively knows about your HSV 1 status or not, you do.

Listed below are several activities you should avoid on date night if you have a cold sore:

Never share drinks. Simply entertaining the thought of drinking from the same glass, cup, or bottle should be off limits.

Whether you have dated this person for 10 minutes or 10 months, avoid kissing if you have a cold sore. Especially an exposed blister. If your companion is willing to kiss you with a sore, they are likely willing to wait for healing.

No sharing of cigarettes. Sharing tobacco products should be off limits. This is yet another dangerous way of exposing your date to HSV 1.

The mutual use of the same utensils is also ill-advised. Keep your folks and spoons to yourself.

Is holding hands a smart move? Touching his face could result in him/her becoming infected.

While most of the precautions noted above are common sense, they are still critical. Taking personal responsibility is an admirable quality. Attempting to conceal your cold sore is one thing. Exposing your date to a virus is quite another.

Heal Cold Sores & Find Love Faster

Once you have decided to take the dating game by the horns, it is important to patch your sore. Courtesy of various supplements and cover-up aides you can still entertain your date while also disguising your blemish.

The Compeed Invisible Cold Sore Patch. Since the herpes simplex virus (HSV 1) cannot be eradicated overnight, a cover-up is essential. Abreva and Quantum Health also offer similar invisible patches that can provide a quick fix.

New to the market, the topical balm known as HERP-B-GONE is a positive treatment method. Containing natural ingredients, HERP-B-GONE is FDA approved and comes with a 100 percent satisfaction guarantee or your money back.

If the rapid healing approach is more intriguing than a patch, the Virulite Cold Sore Light Device could be your answer. Courtesy of special wavelength light technology, the Virulite machine can stimulate healing quite fast. In fact, this breakthrough treatment can potentially heal a cold sore in half the time compared to traditional topical ointments. If a date has been scheduled, and you have multiple days to prepare, this product could be a worthy option.

While relationships can come and go, unfortunately so can cold sores. Regardless of the products you choose to utilize you can always keep them handy if another outbreak occurs. These products are especially critical if you are not disclosing HSV 1 with your date.

Healthy Relationships & Cold Sores

Education, respect for your date, and self-confidence are essentially the three biggest takeaways from this material.

If you feel as though your scheduled date is a "can't miss" opportunity then refuse to miss it. The pain of regret could potentially be worse than the appearance of a cold sore.

Life is about taking risks and putting yourself in uncomfortable situations. If you arm yourself with knowledge regarding HSV 1, confidence, respect, and a touch of humor, everything will be okay. Just be honest and take the necessary precautions to keep your date safe from getting infected.

[alexgstories]

June 17th, 2017

I didn’t get to finish last night so I’ll do that today. Damn trazadone. And actually, I can’t even remember what I needed to finish.

 I was talking with Grisham about you. The one thing he said repeatedly was that he was sorry I was feeling this. So am I Gabe, but I’m not sorry for feeling upset I’m sorry for letting myself get this far when that voice in the back of my head told me not to. But I was describing everything I was feeling and you know what he said?

 He said that the feeling I was talking about, was falling hard. And that everything is going to be fine and it going to hurt like hell and it’s going to take a long time; but eventually. And I love him for being a soft kind of blunt. He’s the only other person I’ve loved beside you and it’s not even as strong. But it’s still enough to know that there’s going to be a small spot in me for him. I just wish you’d be there to you know, take up the rest with full knowledge that it’s always yours.

 I know I’m only 20 and I’ve yet to really live a life and maybe find “real love,” but despite my very young age there’s one thing that’s certain, and that’s that I’m not really going to love anyone like you or at all. And part of me wishes to not love anyone else.

 So sue me, for being a little optimistic and maybe even a little stupid. But if things go the way that I want to, and I’m not saying they will, but if things happened to work out in a way that I liked, I’d be able to stop the masochist tendencies I’ve created with watching New Girl.

 And it’s been 3 days now and I’ve still got these fucking butterflies having a goddamn rave in my stomach. You’re in a different country, mind you 4 hours ahead, and I’m sitting here like a damn school girl who’s waiting for a boy who’s, being driven by his parents, on his way to pick me up for a middle school date. I want to talk to you even just to hear your voice. I’m so tempted to call you, and maybe hope you’d pick up but even if you didn’t, I get to hear your voicemail. And I just need to hear your voice Gabe I really do.

 And to what I said earlier of what Grisham said, I told him that too. I honestly don’t know where the fuck these damn insects came from but they won’t leave. Maybe it’s because you’re in a different country? I don’t know really know I have no reason to be nervous I think, or at least not as nervous about you as I could with Wylie. I mean last I knew he was in Kuwait but he’s not there anymore. I just want to not be nervous for no reason and I want to hear your voice more than anything in the world. Even if it’s just your voicemail.

 And I can’t bring myself to stop listening to The 1975. I know you probably don’t really listen to them often if at all, but I can’t bring myself to stop unless I’m running or driving around. It’s this never ending vicious cycle that I can’t find a way or the strength to break. And I’ve pulled up a world clock on my phone and now I know how far ahead you are time zone wise.

 It’s so sad and tragic and a whole bunch of other adjectives that I just don’t have the energy to type right now. And I’m crying again, surprise.

 I can’t even ride anymore did you know that? The one and only thing that always had a 100% guarantee that I’d forget about you for a little bit. Riding always did that for me and now I get to spend a whole year not doing it. I’ve done this once but that was to play club soccer so I still had some kind of coping mechanism. But I can’t ride and that kills me so much inside that I’m begging and praying that neither of my parents will come in here to see me crying yet again because they’ll only want an explanation. I mean my mom knows so she won’t be confused but my dad will and the moment anyone looks at me I’m going to break down even further. I’ve got some writing but that does so little for me. I’ve broken down a few times for a few different reasons but the last time it felt this bad, I had to call Molly so she could talk me out of ripping my arm open with an X-acto knife.

 She got me to throw out the X-acto knife I’d had in my arms and for a while I wanted nothing more than to decorate my arm with some red but I couldn’t because 1) I had a lot of people counting on me to be “fine” and not doing anything stupid 2) I still have a lot to live for and 3) I didn’t have anything sharp to really cause any damage. But I found something yesterday while looking for whatever it was I was looking for.

 I found the extra blades they give you for X-acto knives. I have blades I can use Gabe and it’s taking everything in me to not do something. Every time I look at them I have to remind myself that so many people would be so disappointed in me for “giving in” and not getting help. Well fuck you all because I’ve tried and right now I’m just so tired of having to put up a front that I’m perfectly fine with everything in my life right now. I know I’m more than likely never going to actually kill myself because I’m too scared of death to actually pull through with it. But I can see myself doing some self-harm to cope.

 I think that’s why I want to cover myself in tattoos. They have this good kind of pain when they’ve been put on and it’s addicting. Maybe I can use that excuse to make my dad let go of the fact that I want more and I will get more. See now that’s a healthy coping mechanism albeit an expensive one; but it’s better than a zigzag on your arms or thighs.

 But you know what’s really stopping me? It’s not that hard of guess so your first option in correct.

 You Gabe.

 The only reason I haven’t decorated my arms or thighs yet is because of the disappointment I might get from you because I know Molly or Lexie or hell even Roman might tell you about it. But I can’t bring myself to relieve some stress or pressure because I know you’d be so disappointed in me. And even the idea of that hurts more than you completely what feels like abandonment. Just the fucking idea of you being disappointed hurt more than ever motherfucking thing I’ve said so far in this 10 page tangent. So let that sink in you ass. Let that sink in.

 And I can’t even tell people that I have those blades in my room because they’d instantly take them away and I need some kind of presence from them. It’s disturbingly calm to have them near me. I want to tell someone about it but then there’d be hell to pay for it because I’d be endangering myself. And maybe one day I’ll send this to you, because it’s only going to grow every day as this year passes. I have a year to rant and scream and type and yell and cry on this thing I’ve created to help with you.

 I have no doubt that I have the balls to send this to you because you and I both know that it’d be hella impulsive and I’m amazing at being impulsive at all the wrong times for all the wrong reasons. You and I both know that more than anyone else. And that should scare you like it scares me right now. Everything is getting so out of hand for me, and I know it’s my own damn fault, that I’m about to go and tell my mother that I might need to up the dosage on my anti-depressant. And I’m already taking 200mg a day and I’m not that big of a person in the weight department. So me upping it kinds scares me.

 9:44pm

 Well I just had a complete and utter meltdown in front of my mom about this, kind of. Um but what I can confirm is that I’m probably not going to do a lot more on the college front. And I meant what I said when I said that college isn’t for everyone a lord knows everyone in the fucking horse industry says it’s a waste of time unless you’re a vet. I mean a complete meltdown. And I’d finally admitted the X-acto knife thing. I told myself I wouldn’t tell her but I think to get the point across I may have had to.

 But there I was, crying in kitchen trying to make myself coffee explaining to my mom that even professionals in my own goddamn industry are saying a degree with horses is a waste of money with a few exceptions. I’m still trying to please my dad because I know how hard it’s going to be to convince him that college isn’t really what I need. Yes, I’ll still take online classes and get an associate’s but honestly, college was simultaneously the best and worst thing to have ever happened to me. In high school, I’d never gotten as close as I did to killing myself as I did in college. Freshman year I had fucking Syd drive me to the hospital so I could put myself on suicide watch. Granted we got there and just sat for a while to make sure if that was really what I wanted because I wouldn’t be able to go back if I did.

 I just realized I haven’t even had a proper cry about everything. The last one was when I called Molly but that was back in like April or something. But I haven’t had the proper cry.

 I’m talking bawling like a kid with tears and snot and red eyes all the works of a serious cry. I haven’t had one in months and I’m genuinely impressed with myself. Now is that a good thing given everything that’s happened? Not even fucking close. And I don’t know what to do anymore Gabe. I really don’t and I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I wouldn’t be a college dropout or maybe I would be considered as such.

 12:14am

 I am utterly exhausted now. I can’t tell if my stomach hurts form a lack of food or stress or both. I don’t eat when I get stressed enough, and I ran today so I used up a little more energy and I need a little more. But I didn’t much for dinner. Maybe 2 pieces of pizza? Nothing since and that was around 5 or so.

 But I’m tired physically, mentally, emotionally, everything. I am so tired Gabe I don’t think you understand how much this time. Sure, I’ve stayed up later than this doing actual work but I was never in this type of mental stage. I’m finally listening to something other than The 1975. But my stomach hurts and I can’t bring myself to get up and get food. I don’t want to, not because I think I’m fat or anything, but because I can’t. I can’t find the drive or motivation or need to get up even though food is required to live.

 I’m on tumblr right now. And most of the blog’s I’ve been following for 5 years now, seem to know that I’m having a shite time right now and there’s a constant stream of hilariously tragic yet content posts about everything; life and love to name a few. But my eyes hurt, my stomach is making sounds, my hands are getting sore along with my back.

 I can’t sleep right now. Or maybe I can but I’m prolonging it. I’m listening to Landon Austin’s cover of that Sam Smith song. So till tragic, but it’s not The 1975. My eyes hurt so much right now I need to sleep but if I’m being honest, I don’t want to sleep. Sleeping means dreaming and dreaming means anything can happen. And I don’t want anything, I want definitive. But alas I never seem to get what I truly want when it comes to certain things.

  Bekah may have helped me get a job. And a real job in my field, not a temporary thing for me to do until Hartpury; which I don’t know if I’m going to end up attending. I’m making a pros and cons list of college vs. working student life. But my eyes are really starting to hurt so going to bed might be the best thing. I’ll type some later. Good night and I really hope you’re having a ball in Iceland.