#personal vent

[dinklebat]

an interaction im very tired of in online autism spaces. aka when you don’t have a special interest / when your special interest isn’t [character] or [fandom]

[emerald-jade-tears]

It hurts to do it though. I don’t even know if it was the right decision.

[xlcovo]

[onlybecauseimhappy]

With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay / you said "hey man, I love you, but no fucking way"

[openfleshwound]

love getting ghosted 🤗🤗🤗

[emerald-jade-tears]

Once it becomes public…all joy is gone from it

Shop

[yellow-computer-mouse]

i just spilled our entire fucking guts to our friends. two of them. and i'm so fucking glad i did.

big angry vent under the cut

we sit with a whole big friend group at lunch. it's:

us

R

D

G

N

K

about a week, maybe week-and-a-half ago, R, D, and G left. we didn't know where they went. it was just us, N, and K. we thought maybe they were doing catch-up, or eating with a teacher, or doing club stuff.

yesterday, we found out that they were sitting with a different friend group. this consists of:

A (also our friend, she's great)

E (SHE'S FUCKING RACIST????? 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕)

O (G has a crush on her)

now, we've been friends with them for ages. they are our closest friends. we'd trust them with our fucking life.

they didn't tell us.

they never bothered to tell us.

N and K were kind of othered by them. K's too much or whatever. talks too loud. is too enthusiastic. doesn't read the room. you know. BEING THEMSELF.

N just.. never really meshed. i think. i dunno.

R, D, and G left a bit after N and K started sitting down. about 2 days after N came down with us.

In those two days, we had brought up a lot of stuff casually. not directly at R, D, or G, but it wasn't like we were hiding it. we talked about our plurality especially (kind of, using plural terms and saying stuff like "grant likes this, jim does this, no way daisuke just left," etc)

we had finally started to let our walls down. we're very guarded, because we're anxious. some stuff happened with R about 2 years ago, and we've been really worried about being "too much" or inconsiderate and scaring them away. we were letting our walls down and opening up.

and they left.

and they NEVER FUCKING TOLD ME.

we started this fucking friend group. we befriended R in 4th-6th grade. (i considered her a friend in 4th, but she didn't until 6th- whatever, not the point, that's fine /gen) we brought D into it in 6th. WE STARTED A GRADE-WIDE GAME.

i brought N in during 6th.

7th, G.

8th, K.

I BUILT THIS FUCKING FRIEND GROUP FRM THE GROUND UP.

AND THEY FUCKING LEFT.

[plain text: AND THEY FUCKING LEFT.]

AND THEY DIDN'T FUCKING TELL ME.

[plain text: AND THEY DIDN'T FUCKING TELL ME.]

they're their own people. they're allowed to have other friends. they're allowed to not want to sit with me anymore. hell, they're allowed to not want to be friends anymore!! it would SUCK, but it would be better to know for sure.

all i want is them to TELL ME. they don't tell me a lot of stuff. 2 years ago, i had to make a rule that we don't keep secrets, because they just. didn't. TELL ME.

about a month ago, i was talking about something and getting upset. and R started BABY-TALKING ME. and she does this a lot!!! and like, there's a thin line between calm voice and babytalk. and that's fine! so i told her, and i told her it was bothering me, and she deflected "oohhh, i'm imitating one of our teachers" NO YOU'RE NOT????? NO YOU FUCKING WEREN'T

and it's fine!!! we told her a thousand times that we weren't mad, we just wanted to let her know because it was bothering us.

and it just. UGHH. i dunno. this long-ass rant means:

as soon as we started opening up and letting down our walls, they left. and they didn't tell us. and that makes us think it's something WE DID.

and we were talking about this at lunch with N and K. and we brought up- no, STRAIGHT-UP TOLD THEM ABOUT:

alterhumanity

our plurality

age regression

we had never brought this up before. and they were so great about it. N and K, i'm gonna tag you in this post. y'all mean the world to me. <3 <3 <3 <3

R, D, G? i dunno. not tagging you guys. if you guys see this, listen:

I am not mad. No matter how this reads, I am not mad. I'm hurt. I'm so fucking hurt that you just left. And you didn't tell me. If you don't want to be friends, say so. If you do? SAY SO. TELL ME THINGS. I'm the same age as you. Do you have a problem with N or K? Do you have a problem with me? I DUNNO! BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!!

I'm not mad. I just want to know why you left, and why you didn't tell me. I still want to be friends. You guys are my closest friends!!!

that's all. vent over.

Sincerely, Dust. Your resident anger holder.

[catbuggirly]

Girlbossed too close to the sun, broke something that’s kinda crucial in my life right now that’s gonna be verry tricky for me to get fixed, will probably not be able to be as active for a while since I’m gonna be picking up every single possible shift till this is fixed, I WILL be back but idk when, I WILL reply to the ppl I regularly chat too but I’ve kinda really fucked myself over tbh

[pr1soners-d1lemma]

Cutting for every point I lose on my math and chem tests tomorrow challenge go!

[emerald-jade-tears]

E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E.

I had to cut you out but it still hurts

[nozomi-kaizoku]

[buriedasylum]

being alive is just so exhausting

[emerald-jade-tears]

I wish I got this through my head like 3 months sooner.

“If it is destroying you then it is not love my dear.”

— Unknown

[pwppydracula]

i just wish i wasn’t unlovable, this shit hurts so much idk if i can handle this anymore

[injuredsoullessfrog]