#derealization

[braaainwaaash]

[estuaryghoul]

Before the transition, Dew had gills and fins, but not the thicker finned tail of a water ghoul. He was a multighoul with a dormant element, much like Delta had been, but hopefully less of a failure. He had long and thin dark horns, similar to a gazelle.

Post transition, his fins and gills are gone. Long white scars jagged across his skin, thin between his fingers where the webbing used to be. Most visible though on his neck, gills forever sealed, the excess cut away. His horns too are different, now short and white. Only the bone left.

It's so hard to breathe, like his chest is compressed. It's also far colder than he remembers. The cold didn't used to bother him, but now his joints ache and he barely feels tethered to his body beyond the pain. Aether and his quintosis help ground him, the familiar scent and the comforting Presence of the larger ghoul. Of course that's after he allows him anywhere near his disfigured corpse body.

[ottpopfic]

“By the gods you're beautiful,” Jason breathes, that glassy look in his eye he gets when he goes all unreality “am I still dreaming?”

“You're not dreaming” Leo tries to soothe, cupping his man's jaw in his palm “I'm real”

“You sure?”

“Im sure”

“And you're not lying”

“No I'm here” he tells him ever so gentle, running his thumb over the apple of his cheek “We’re okay its not a dream”

Jason still doesn't look persuaded, leaning into every touch like it might be the last. It breaks Leo’s heart

“How can I help Cielito” Leo asks “How can I convince you?”

“Don’know” Jason presses his mouth into the pulse point on Leo’s wrist, breathing “you smell good”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Smell right”

“Then come here”

Leo draws him into his arms, getting Jason to pillow his head over his heart. Jason melts into him immediately, going boneless and lax as Leo threads his hands in his hair

“You wanna do the thing the moms said” Leo asks, starting on scratchies “It’s been helping”

“Counting?”

“Yeah” they have been doing it for a long while, but it's good to remind him where it comes from and that it helps “what can you see, two things?”

“The bed and uh” Jason buffers for a second “no shirt”

“That I don't have a shirt?”

“You sleep with a shirt” Jason starts puppy nuzzling at Leo’s chest, the onset of his beard scratching “You say I make you cold”

“True” that's a good start, remembering things from now “What can you feel, three things?”

Jason takes a moment to answer that one, but it's mostly because he's doing that deep breathing he does when he's smelling Leo. His hands start roving as he it does though, palms running heavy down Leo’s sides

“Ribs”

“My ribs?”

“Yeah” Jason presses a kiss to the skin under his cheek “And heartbeat, here”

“Good. One more”

Jason just hums, distracted by Leo’s skin

“Wanna touch you” he says instead of continuing the count

“You are touching me”

Jason givings the cue in Wolf Speak for ‘more’, but ‘more’ in the specific way that always leads to love-making

“You sure?” Leo asks, concerned

“Want you to feel good, wanna be the one to make you feel good.” Jason's touching hasn't stopped, leaning his full body weight into Leo so both hands can travel over his sides “Need it to be me, need to be the one to take care of you”

“But you're still all out of it”

“Please let me take care of you”

“Jason-”

“Please, I wanna take care of you. It lets me know you're here”

“Im here”

“Let me know you’re here” he looks at Leo then, blue eyes a fraction clearer than before and pleading “if I'm taking care of you you can't be crushed in that tunnel, please”

“Okay” Leo starts pulling him up into a soft kiss “Okay baby okay”

[loudlovegoatee]

weird girl winter

[moriintus]

Memories from my grandparent's yard.

[horrifierproject]

[thefluxsystem]

You know what the worst part of having a dissociative disorder is, for me personally?

The emotional amnesia.

Your entire life feels like something that you watched on TV, rather than something that you actually lived through.

You know that some of the most horrific things imaginable have happened to you, and you feel nothing about it. Sure, the memories disgust you on principle, but you don’t feel anything.

It makes you question if anything that you remember is real. If that actually happened, shouldn’t it feel significant? Shouldn’t you be sad, angry, hurt, something?

And to top it all off, nobody understands. Not even yourself.

[softytothecore]

[brutalcomplex]

[deceased-bunny]

Derealization

[braaainwaaash]

[missing-childhood]

I wish time would stop, if just for a bit, so I could experience the bliss of not fearing tomorrow.

[liminalfireside]

[incognitopolls]

We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.

[notreal-nothere]

have you lost your way? you shouldn’t be here.