#oh shit am I??? catching feelings???
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#spinaraki#spinneraki#shigaraki tomura#shuichi iguchi#mha spinner#mha fanart#art#i was halfway through it when i realized id post it on valentines day and i think thats a funny coincidence#anyways this gives me the same vibe as my mafia au? like it didnt a different style but the stylization of the clothes and bg are similar#anyways either an au where theyre put into a position where they have to dance OR#redestro hosts a party/dance because??? idk shmoozing reasons and shigaraki convinces spinner to dance and#yes everyone is looking at them but once spinner starts to get comfortable and out of his head shigaraki dips spinner cue cliche moment of#oh shit am I??? catching feelings???#anyways. do i even seriously ship a ship if i havent drawn them dancing at least once?!?!??#just... Shigaraki looking softly at spinner and spinner being surprised with a little blush someone else share this vision with me#lisTEN shigaraki being kind of smirky like bet u didnt think I'd do that huh and seeing spinner with a bit of a blush and slowly losing the#smirk and realizing oh shit maybe i like spinner as more than friends and toga in the background taking pictures for posterity#havent writen a fic in years but damn if i thought i had half of a chance of not making them ooc I'd do it#just two bros. on the dance floor. dancing. haha no feelings here
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While the dynamics of Bruce being the hopelessly smitten party in a unrequited love situation is interesting, I personally prefer it when it's the other way around except Bruce actually does love them but he's repressed his feelings so hard that he's kinda forced himself to forget about them and unless something forces them awake, they're cooked.
soo understandable
something i find so intriguing about bruce is that yes, he's a master at forcing his feelings down but as soon as he accepts them, he tends to go all in. straight into the deep end. he doesn't know how to not be so fucking intense.
so i think this situation would be kinda wild kinda fun in the sense that like. you have the whole initial angst of clark ((using him because he was in the original post)) truly believing that bruce does not, can not, will not love him back, and he's so sure of this because bruce is so sure of this. bruce shows no sign of loving him back because of just how deep down he's repressed it all. and generally clark is like "he's still my best friend and i'd love him even if he hated me," but also it still fucking sucks that the love is unrequited, right??
and then something happens and for the sake of this we'll say it's something like,, clark gets severely hurt in the field and someone kind of confronts bruce with his feelings and he finally has this moment of "okay shit yeah this is real" and that's when the repression goes away. that's the moment he accepts it.
now here's the thing. clark didn't know about bruce's feelings because bruce had pretty much forced himself to forget them. bruce does not have this issue with clark. he knows exactly how clark feels (world's greatest detective, obviously). so he does it. he dives straight in. pulls out all the stops.
and that's where the additional angst kicks in. because like. bruce has shown absolutely no sign of being interested in clark in any way. literally none. and now clark gets hurt and suddenly bruce is asking him on dates and saying he's in love with him and what the fuck?? clearly bruce is just confused because of the whole near-death thing. he doesn't actually love clark. clark would've known (he can hear the man's heartbeat, his breathing, can see every microscopic detail of the expressions he wears when talking to clark, and nobody can fake that, not even bruce). and now clark's all extra hurt on the inside because holy shit bruce finally loves him back and it's not even real??
obviously there's a happy ending somewhere in there of clark realising that okay shit yeah this is real. however in my head this is also a comedy so most of it is just bruce trying so desperately to convince clark that he genuinely does love him that he binges as many romcoms as possible and starts copying them. his kids start feeding him fake romcom moments or being like "this worked for a friend of mine" just to make him do the most ridiculous shit possible.
#if i am being real i completey forgot i was answering an ask halfway through this i just started having fun#i just like the idea of alfred asking bruce why he's watching notting hill at three in the morning in total darkness in the batcave#and bruce being like 'there is somebody i am attempting to... woo.'#and one of the batkids overhears & they tell the others 'we cant let this happen he needs to screw this up so he can get with clark instead#and it isn't until bruce hits his breaking point as is like 'ohh my fucking god clark is never going to believe me this isnt working'#and theyre like 'oh shit oh fuck its clark we fucked up this is it'#it's also important you know that clark recognises these tactics. him and lois have their own marathon once they catch on.#lois drives herself crazy trying to figure out what movie a certain one is from (it's one that came to tim in a dream)#i'm gonna stop this here bc i am quickly losing sight of the ask once again#but either way#yes i also like bruce repressing the shit out of his feelings.#we are in agreement#i need to go to sleep goodnight#bruce wayne#batman#clark kent#superman#superbat#batfamily
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This is far from my best work, but it's 1:30am, and I needed to get this down before I slept or lost my mind. So here, take a snippet of Rook seeing Zara again for the first time in 3 years.
Trying, and failing, to keep his voice from shaking, [Rook] said “Hello, Captain.” Mouth still open in surprise, [Zara] replied “Well, hello yourself.” The reality of what she was seeing seemed to hit her as she rounded the desk. “Rook, is that really you?” He nodded. “It’s me.” Zara ran towards him, stopping just short of touching him, and said “What did she do to you?” Rook’s heart stuttered and he had to brush his fingers together to confirm Sigmar’s ring was still in place. Could she possibly see through its illusion? But then he remembered what Lanny had said. She knew where you were. His throat clenched and he choked out “Two years.” A wave of grief swept across Zara’s face as she said “I’m so, so sorry.” Rook shook his head vigorously. “It’s not your fault.” Zara ignored him. “It is my fault. I failed you. As your captain, it’s my responsibility to keep you safe, and I failed you.” Rook wanted to say something, to reassure her, but she pushed on. “She sent me letters, told me all the terrible things she was doing to you. I… I let you down.” Those words hit Rook with the force of a dozen cannonballs. Lanny had said that Zara knew Wolf had him, but knowing that Zara had been aware of what Wolf was doing to him… somehow that was more painful than any wound Wolf had ever inflicted. He barely managed to force his next words out around the lump in his throat. “Where were you?” And why didn’t you come? “She said she’d kill you if I came to get you. Or if I hired anyone to get you. You’re standing here because I stopped sailing.”
(honorary one-time tag for @space-writes bc I remember you enjoyed my other bits about Rook and Zara.)
#morrigan.text#my writing#dnd writing#oc: Rook#oc: Zara#btw when I say that what she said was more painful than any wound wolf inflicted I'm not just talking about her not saving him.#it also just hurts him to know that she was hurting too.#she left him with that woman for two years (to save his life yes. but she left him there all the same) and yet half of his thoughts are#''I'm sorry I hurt you.''#ROOK. MY BELOVED BABY BOY. PLEASE.#STOP APOLOGIZING.#also if anyone needs a cheering up after this please know that their conversation got interrupted by a giant snake showing up and zara#immediately asking Rook ''WHAT DID YOU DO???'' bc she knows her boy.#and he's like ''idk I just woke up like an hour ago'' and then he suddenly remembers that he swore like 3 times (town rules say no to that)#and he just goes ''SHIT'' and Zara fucking clamps her hand over his mouth and says ''take that back!''#and through her hand he says ''how the fuck am I supposed to take that back?'' and she just clamps his mouth harder.#oh. and the time he swore earlier was bc he stepped outside and got spit on by a bull and he was like ''is this normal??''#and someone said ''I've never seen that happen but these animals are part of [big snake almost-god]'s menagerie'' and hands Rook a paper#with all the town rules (there are many). And he goes ''what the fuck?'' and then he gets to the rule that reads ''no swearing'' and he goe#''SHIT!'' and then he realizes what he says and goes ''AAAHHHH.'' and I was cackling.#I was doing this on purpose btw. I knew that this would make the snake mad at me and I did it anyway bc I am a chaos gremlin.#however I did NOT know I would get Rook's only friend from before the party killed by doing this. RIP Jay. I loved you so much.#but yeah. my boy swears like a sailor bc he is one. and it did in fact get people killed. But it was funny to me.#ALSO when she met the party the first thing she said was ''thank you for saving my boy'' and I almost sobbed.#like yeah. he is her boy.#I'm going to explode just thinking about it.#okay if you read all these tags I love you forever and please feel free to yell at my idiot boy in the comments/tags/wherever.#maybe if enough of us join in he'll actually listen. (no he won't)#OH RIGHT. And the party is finally staring to realize how much of a capital L Liar this man is.#because they can literally see him catching himself about to say ''I'm fine'' every time they ask how he's doing
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i know its probably been done to death but i love the concept of the shivering isles as only a realm of "madness" insofar as no one in tamriel has a concept of what neurodiversity or mental illness is lmao
#like. 'mad' being used as a catch-all term for someone who is just neurodivergent or otherwise acting in a way ppl cant understand#shivering isles#sheogorath#(i am by no means well read abt neurodivergent perspectives im just speaking as a neurodivergent person relating to it) buut#i think its interesting to reframe sheogorath as more of a partly-benevolent figure. not wholly but just a bit#who (if he feels like it) takes in ppl who would ordinarily suffer bc others might try to hurt/'cure' them‚ and lets them be free#'free' to act how theyd like in peace (but also if im being honest also enabling potentially-harmful behaviors)#(like i love you relmyna but also holy shit. lmao)#(and sheogorath is def NOT like. 'good' or a staunch advocate for healthy behavior or morality sjnfjsdfdsf. so double edged sword)#personally. ik no one in tamriel would understand my ocd (for example) but i think sheogorath might go 'oh yes! i get that sometimes'#<- but that might just be wish fulfilment on my part. teehee#enochtalk
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One of my big compulsions is taking a fuck ton of screenshots Just In Case a piece of information is important in like 4 years and I can't remember it (sometimes the information is an instagram post that I might not remember later and of course needs to be recorded everywhere (I will Not be looking at that again)) so today is my transfer 16000 images off my phone admin day (woo)
Like yeah I never looked at any of them and they were completely irrelevant to my daily life, But what if I need them ✨️ later ✨️ (you'll see that the idea of Later is doing a lot of heavy lifting here) OR what if there's a vital piece of information in the mix somewhere that I'll lose forever if I delete them? So: onto the external hard drive they go
This is one of those cases where. Yeah. Ideally I wouldn't take 16000 screenshots in half a year. And YEAH ideally I'd just delete them and not transfer them somewhere else to never look at again. BUT at least I get a clean slate and I can maybe not mindlessly save everything for 2 seconds. It's like. Small wins? Progress. Yknow.
#rangnar rambles#i also use my tumblr drafts this way which is how i have probably 2000 drafts for this blog that are just? like me saving a post for 'later#and then theres too many in my drafts for me to even find *MY* drafts#i need to just hard reset the draft function bc its literally unusable for me#'matt this is all irrational and weird' by god. my irrational thoughts disorder makes me do weird shit? are you fr rn??? 😨😨#i get so stupidly in my own head and then i dont make progress towards Anything#even like a fun sideblog where i can actually yknow. post that 2k nightmare? i just cringe myself out like a dumbass 😔#i feel like ocd thoughts always sound lame out loud (and in my head to myself too)#like the Urgency doesnt come across#like in the moment i am Completely convinced that my national insurance number and bank deets are in there somewhere#and theres suddenly no way on earth i could ever find them again if i delete the picture. so to the hard drive they go#i Would go through that whole thing if i suddenly needed a screenshot from 2019 btw. like the crazy isnt theoretical#ive hallucinated gas leak smells before and woken up my flatmates bc i couldnt convince myself i was over reacting#its just cus the seasons have changed that everythings ramping up but omg its hard to do anything but spiral nowadays#thats a little dramatic but i am losing like. a quarter of the day to my ocd#its like. not great 😬#im not back to convincing myself i gave my dad cancer but i am not letting myself use half the kitchen again#but eh soo la voo we ball#HAH i checked my drafts after this and i was lowballing so hard#5.7k on this blog. 12k on my main 💀. its not funny but it kind of is#this is why youll never catch me running a queue#this is such a miserable post but i do feel the need to not let it sit in the drafts pile. to prove the point i guess 💀💀💀#'no one gives a shit this is your blog' 'oh my GOD WHAT IF PEOPLE GIVE A SHIT' <- omg shut upppp youre so embarassing 🙄#one more time for the gallery: i am like. aware that these feelings are irrational. like i am fine it just takes time for reality to kick in#ANYWAYS what was that who said that that was so weird im gonna go look at old romantic era paintings now#if tam is a screenshot fiend in the next fic u know what happened
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brain too fucking full. too many things to do -finish backing up oc posts -2024 note writing clean up -tge minor draft -draw proper rini icons -3yr cycle reivery art piece before the year is over -new art book to study -read som4 -play an hour of resonance of fate a day so i can play dark souls soon -started playing outer wilds too bc i am stupid -(still have to finish neon white) -finish out sketchbook pls we have to move on -japanese -start italian -dont forget to exercise or u will die again -dont forget to eat
#THE DAY ONLY HAS SO MANY HOURS#and this is me on technically unlimited time. inbefore job search and new capitalist grind befalls me soon enough#due to the spectre of paying back student loans next year#like im so glad i had this year to focus on recovery but it feels like i didnt get to do anything or heal and move on#i spent so much time unable to do things and getting better#it feels like i need another whole ass year to piss away and just catch up on being alive and a person who can do things#to truly get better and become able 2 be reintegrated into society. alas student loans#i rly have to call them and confirm a few things h...#elia txts#there is more too. i am forgetting things i know i am....#OH RIGHT FUCK i was drawing things for the weebly page too#also start reading fmfy#also i promised myself id learn to play bass if my hand ever recovered#genuinely how does anybody live. this shit is not sustainable i am literally buckling under the weight of my hobbies alone lol
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Please god, can someone give me the strength to write ANOTHER 900 word essay in German, I DON'T WANNA I DONT WANNA PLEASE NO
#disliking this course more than i thought i would#oh yes german linguistics!!! okay!!! sure i love that!!!#and then my grade is dependent on literally only writing assignments#i actually want to die. this brings me soooooooo much fucking pain#i just really despise the whole idea of it#you put a bunch of people in one class with differing skill level#and then make them all write 900 word essays in a language theyre not 100% on yet#and the content is soooo much just him rambling in class IN GERMAN !#and not all of it is on the slides so fuck if i remember#and even if i did remember its so much me trying to focus on catching what hes saying than actually absorbing it#and the topic even if i was writing in english would make me struggle#and you guys know!! im great at rambling!! BUT NOT AUF DEUTSCH#and then. when you finally finish slaving over this fucking disaster of a paper#you submit it. and his only comment is just: sehr gur gemacht.#yeah why the fuck would i feel the need to burn myself like this +#only to get feedback that feels like he only looked at the word count and nothing else#like not even going to correct my grammer or???? what am i learning other than writing the same kind of bs sentences over and over#i despise word count essays btw#youre not really writing for quality youre writing for quantity#bcs if the only real outline you get is that you hit the word count then why do i give any shit about the quality of it#like i submitted a paper for my other class and she gave like 100+ edits on it#not only comments but also grammer correction#and like????? why do i not get that from the class that is teaching me a foreign fucking language#yeah sure its not bad to correct the grammar of your first language but cmon my god please help me a bit or smth#but yeah its due on Wednesday and i just think im going to fucking die before then#choking on my stress tears or smth#as i said it would be fine if it felt like he was actually checking them in depth#but i hate assignments where im only doing it for the grade. like i actually want to uhhh learn yknow???????#but yes i need someone to cheerlead me on or smth bcs itll take so much resolve to not just give up#and i wont give up bcs i want to keep my gpa but thats exactly thr issue isnt it? that i dont care about the content?
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Man, having something that people straight up refuse to tag for (even if asked) be a hard squick/trigger makes consuming almost any erotic content ever a fucking minefield, doesn't it.
I'm so exasperated. One would think that tagging for a somewhat common kink would be in the poster's best interest as well (y'know, if only so that the people looking for that kink specifically can actually find it), but no. No, that'd probably make too much sense.
#squirrel speaks#i just wish people would tag their fucking pregnancy/breeding garbage#like what do you want me to do if you refuse to tag; filter every tense of all verbs used to talk about it?#wanna catch all creative writing that uses an expression like “a pregnant pause”????#ensure that i never again see an abortion/healthcare-oriented post?#because of this i can never see anything related to DOG BREEDS now? because fuck me I guess?#just because “oh it's common”. i am in your walls.#i will piss on all your insulation#and then you can add a content warning for that. but of course my request is far less valid isn't it#UGH ignore me I'm just grumbling. been up since 2 am and my mood? it is foul and rotten#and i just saw something that's probably gonna make me feel like shit for another 3-4 hours so. thanks for that i guess
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Yo why is Johnny Bananas on my reality TV emotional support show. AGAIN.
#we need to as a society move on from this man he will never stop appearing on my shows like !!!!! get out of my screen !!!!!#SKSKSKSK THATS SO RANDOM WHY IS JOHNNY BANANAS THE AFTER SHOW OF LOVE ISLAND HELLO#I Am? okay???? SKSKKSKS like did he just crash the show and decided to invite him in or#????? chile anyways over him already!#oh you guys don’t understand how cRAZY I’ve been the past 5 episodes I haven’t stopped watching this shit all day I need to be SEDATED#because the way I have been SHAAAAKING when I say all meeeeen when they catch me#serena is SUCH a legend I am obsessed with her she is my queen#THE WAY SHE GOT KORDELLS ASS CANT WAIT FOR THE GROVELING OF THIS MAN OH I am so#love island usa#love island#johnny bananas#I feel like I should put a tw with his name I swear it’s a jumpscare every time#drop giving this man a platform he loves that shit !!!!#I’ll wake up tomorrow to big brother him being the new houseguest at this rhythm I swear
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it hit me what makes me the most miserable abt my work week is how it’s just school all over again. just hanging in there until the weekend. repeat. repeat. repeat
#5 outta 7 days im at work. 2 days of freedom#2 days to do chores n run errands n relax n sleep n draw n catch up w/ friends n go places#and if u gotta reschedule itll be weeks before ur available again#like for months now ive tried to get together w/ friends but our days off dont match n shit keeps coming up#not to mention im fucking tired! im exhausted! i want to sleep in and then draw the rest of the day!#i think the worst part is that back in school.. at least it didnt matter as much? because it all led to an end aka graduation?#like i didnt mind the wait for next weekend as much cuz it was temporary#like eventually ill graduate and then ill have freedom! (i thought? for some reason??)#but now its like.. the weeks are going by so fast this year is already almost over i turn 26 in 2 weeks#and this is.. the rest of my life? like youre kidding right? this cant be it?#i get off work n then i have to take care of the cats n chores n then eat dinner n then shower n then its late and i gotta sleep#before work the next day. i dont have time nor energy to rly do anything#and ill get that feeling of like. oh well at least it brings me closer to the next ‘weekend’#but i dont wanna live weekend to weekend#i mean im thankful to have a job n coworkers i love like i truly hate it there sometimes but i also am happy and thankful for it#but yknow.. it shouldnt have to be like this#i worded this so much better in the shower but im tired of feeling like school part 2 like what the fuck man#ive had work every single day since we came back from our trip n i just dont have time/energy for anything#i need to open commissions back up but i havent even gotten around to starting one a friend asked for#not to mention this years christmas card ive barely got the sketch done for#and again. my favourite holiday. halloween is on tuesday and while we did plan halloweeny stuff it just has not felt like halloween#i havent had any ideas/energy/time for any halloweeny art#+chores n errands etc lmao we havent even been to the grocery store yet (calling us out here)#it just. suuuuucks aaaaaass man the world is so beautiful life is a gift i dont wanna spend it like this
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hi update things are fucking terrible and my eyes hurt from sobbing. lol
#purrs#delete later#not to liveblog and be tmi or whatever but i feel terribly alone and terribly miserable so this is in fact a cry for help lol. or really#comfort bc im fucking going insane. so for context last spring when i was still an intern another intern orchestrated this back channel#where everyone was supposed to talk shit about our supervisors (my dearest most belovedest mentors) and all of us hid it for months and it#all came to a head at asb 2022 because there was a lot of drama witb the asb student facilitators and our staff team. and it was sooooo ugl#and messy and horrible and probably played a direct role in one of my dearest beloved est mentors (who was the point person for asb) fuckin#getting a new job and abandoning us in july lol 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 and so i became a full time staff member and me and my remaining dearest belovedest#colleague besties fucking carried the world on oh r shoulders and put on amazing programs as just 3 of us in the core staff and we thought#we were doing a really good job with the asb 2023 leaders and that there were no drama dynamics or whatever and guess fucking what. tonight#we found out that half of them hate us for reasons we still don’t know and all of them are at each others throats and also some of the#participants feel a type of way about us. and i know i am being a fragile sensitive crybaby over it but i have had terrible cramps all day#and have barely slept since ive been here and feel like ive been bending over backwards to support the leaders only to find out that half o#them think we’re evil and i just… i couldn’t take it. so i cried and now im beating myself up for crying. but it’s like come ON. i know we#did a pretty imperfect job of preparing them for this. and i should just take responsibility for that and not be defensive. but it’s like…#have NEVER seen this program in person before or been part of the planning of it. i was just a student last year like all of you. and also#HOW many fucking times did we create space for you to talk to us and invite us in. and still this shit happened. and i just feel like a#failure. and i couldn’t react to that information in any way except cry liek it’s all so over my head and out of my depth and im not as#emotionally mature as my colleagues bc im the youngest and this is my first time dealing with this and i feel so incompetent and like i#failed. failed the first time by not speaking up when i was implicated in the stupid fucking Google form back channel situation last year#and now failed the second time by not being able to prevent this stupid drama bullshit from happening again and for not catching it. and jf#like… im in excruciating physical pain and haven’t slept and haven’t eaten well and my life is falling apart and we were ABANDONED BY THE#PERSON WHO WAS RESPONDIBLE FOR THIS (i know we weren’t abandoned she literally just got a new job i just have psychological issues) and#we’ve been running at a million miles per hour with absolutely no break and now you’re mad at us and not even telling us and it’s impacting#everyone’s experiences but you want to pretend this is fucking high school and keep secrets. i am TIRED of drama. i am TIRED of this stupid#bullshit. and not to say this bc i don’t know if asb 2022 drama factored into her decision to leave but if it did i get why * left now. i#get it. bc this shit makes me want to jump out the hotel window. i do not want to face any of them tomorrow and deal with more bullshit. i#am emotionally unstable and incompetent and not equipped to deal with this in a mature healthy way. i want this to be over NOW. im done.#ok i think that’s it um. sorry about that i just needed other people to know i am suffering and i will suppress the shame i feel about that#just this once. esp bc i denied myself the opportunity for my colleague besties to comfort me while i was crying and i regret it now lol
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#GAH hate not knowing how ppl feel about me#bc i used to be SUPER close friends w this person like they were ~25% of th reason i came back to my uni town after moving away last summer#and i keep texting them like ' hey we should meet up sometime! ' and they respond ' omg YES 100% i have SO much i need to catch you up on !#unfortunately i am out of town every single day. also so busy. '#and like yeah okay college very busy life very crazy. but how are you out of town every single day and also why have you NEVER reached out#and i saw them in person at target and they seemed genuinely pleased to see me! and also said something like#' we gotta hang out i have so much to tell you!! *ill* message *you* ' in a way that seemed to convey guilt at ^^ all that#but then how in the WORLD do you happen to be driving out of town immediately after the one event i know we'll both be going to???#and also casually gracing over the fact i also mentioned getting dinner beforehand??#also i dont know any reason they wouldnt like me unless its one of those ' im autistic and didnt notice you getting fed up w me '#or if theyre just actually that busy or too anxious to see people or anxious to reach out or fucking whatever#and like even when i saw them at target they told me a bunch of stuff that i dont tthink youd say to a random acquaintance#which if they do still like me makes sense! bc we were super duper close once! but doesnt make sense if they dislike me/want me to go away#like UGH just either ask me to hang out or say yes to a hang out or tell me to fuck off already!!!!#oh and ALSO the one time we DID have plans we didnt set an exact time but they texted me at like 11 and said ok we can hang out now until 2#or they texted me at 11 and said ' i work at 2 but i dont think thats gonna be a problem also are you okay w hanging w my roomies too '#and i know their roomies so thats fine but i was like ??? WHAT shouldnt be an issue? r you gonna call off to hang out for more than 3 hrs?#or are you gonna friend break up w me so it wont take 3 hours#anyway i was like uhhh shit we didnt set a time so im actually at a tattoo place like an hour away w my roomie?#so we rescheduled for the next day when uh oh they hung out w someone who was exposed to covid so had to cancel again!#i cant think of a single reason they wouldnt like me except that they never did but we had an activity together so they were stuck w me#and they seemed genuinely happy to see me and also seem upset declining plans but like if thats true what the FUCK is happening????#anyway this was a mile long if you e read this far i love u if you have tips feel free to reply or dm me
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oaughhhh. everything is stagnant again
#i have. yoo many things to do it is very overwhelming#i cant even make a list like i usually would bc its just. Too Much#head in hands. i need to make phonecalls. everything else will feel like procrastinating until i make those phonecalls#but i cant make those phonecalls until noon#and im. anxious. i dknt like phones#uhhhgggghhh#and its for my new job and ive never done this before so idk what to SAY because i dont really get formal training its kinda just#'heres what you do go do it' and i dont function well with that#hhhrhhghghh i need a script#and like. i kinda wrote myself one but i dont know if itll work or not because AGAIN. never done this before#and i have therapy tomorrow and i dont want to go to that either. uhhhhhvhvhv#i wanna skip the oh god new thing anxiety and just get to the stage where im comfortable. hate this#plus i have a bunch of personal shit i wanna get done. plus i have SO much fuckjng art to catch up on#i wanna build like. a bit of a buffer for art so i can stagger posting for it so im not just gone for months at a time#and i wanna get my page ready for artfight bc its only like a month away now#and#ughhhhhghgh#i also wanna like. relax and read my book and shit like that bit thats not PRODUCTIVE#so instead i am paralyzed to sit here in anxious suffering until my phonecalls
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Adding in the tags, as they have provided another penny for the "Oh it's Autism" jar that lives in my head.
insanity that they trained us to dislike body hair. body hair. that's just fuzz. that is just FUZZINESS!!! humans being fuzzy, it's one of our most adorable traits????
#i am obsessive with hand lotion#like always have it on me and in all my bags and coats#i tell people its because dry skin catches on the cross stitch floss and fabric#but its really because i violently hate the feeling of having dry skin on my hands#its so loud#the rest of my body eh i can get by but my feets need socks and ny hands need lotion or I'll loose my shit#oh its Autism
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oh im actually going to kill someone literally the first thing i thought was that the files must be transcribed weird. I WAS FUCKING RIGHT WHY IS IT TRANSCODING SHIT IN REAL TIME AT THE ABSOLUTE MAX POSSIBLE FUCK OFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!! THAT SETTING WAS OFF!! omg is it the files i got or something i thought they were fine. i feel like an insane person rn why is all my shit changed. if u literally told me someone broke in and changed a bunch of small things to make my setup work badly i would believe you because what the actual fuck. i was gonna say i need to listen to myself but i fixed like 3 other problems by not fixing what is probably the main fucking issue and itll be faster than before now but holy shit holy fucking shit oh my god
#WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY#pain and suffering and pain and suffering and pain etc#replacing these files asap i fucking knew it :/ i will have to go into the server settings and verify that nothing else is fucked up first#cuz idfk why its even doing that??? it should never do that???#converting the files remotely for now because im not dealing with that shit tn#<- i always say that and then keep working on it though :/#is that a regulation thing why do i do that. like when ur definitely not gonna go for a walk ur just gonna put ur coat on and stand outside#haha oh thank god i dont need to deal with that rn. *calms down* okay let me deal with it right now#mentally i am already not doing and done with the task simultaneously this is the only way to do the task#i should revisit the mastery section of my dbt skills i think#context i feel confident in my ability to fix tech problems i know it just requires persistence . so its easy to recover and jump back in#even though tech issues get on my nerves very fucking quickly. i can use little mind tricks like that to regulate w/o thinking about it#but i struggle to do that when i lack mastery. the outcome isnt assured so it's harder to not get stuck on details and give up#i think so anyway idk maybe im thinking about it too deep. i'll go over it again anyway though now that i'm looking at it#ive been trying to catch when im doing stuff like that more often because i know i have a LOT of tricks like that that feel intrinsic to me#i dont think about them its just how i function. so its invisible to me unless i tune in#i was thinking about that yesterday when i was smoking bc i realized a huge part of socializing for me is overthinking...#but its literally necessary? i am SO prone to saying the exact wrong hurtful thing. if i didnt turn things over in my head before i spoke#i would hurt people a lot and not on purpose. i catch myself at least once a day and think jesus god i'm glad i didn't say that#that gets misconstrued as social anxiety when its like no i LITERALLY just need to do it unless you want me to say very hurtful things#i think most people do not need to do that..? like i cant just Be Myself that bitch is a hugeeeeeee cuntttttttttt lol#and still a lot of stuff gets past because i dont realize the implications of what im saying...#thats why i cant fucking stand people who dont say anything when theyre hurt or just expect you to realize without expressing it#maybe they're scared of confrontation but i dont need people around me if theyre just passively miscontruing me as a careless asshole#i am an asshole! but i care! i try not to be one like really hard i swear to god#if you cant speak up when you are hurt you should not expect anyone to hear you thats how i feel#okay my file are done bai#z
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hi! heard the released “Merry Christmas, Please Don’t Call” (which i’ve seen you’ve heard live, if i’m not mistaken!!) this morning and i don’t know if there’s really a particular vibe/dynamic/ship hrpf-wise (personally haven’t yet been able to put my finger on it) that quite relates but the lyrics have been rotating in my head all day and i was wondering if you had any thoughts? hope you have a good one! <3
OH ANON HAVE I EVER SEEN IT LIVE!!! and the second that song came out i zoomed it straight into my fic playlist and unfortunately there are so many guys this could be. right now the one that's resonating is, of course, the golden boy and his haunted ghost themselves: mcstrome.
i am thinking about connor, specifically, after the stanley cup final. that game seven. how angry he was, how loud the silence when they told him he won the conn smythe. how close he's come before and again and again lost. there's nobody else to blame but himself. he's in the empty room and he knows why (1)
at!! your best!!! you were magic!!! oh, golden boy. connor the anointed, of course. at the very beginning of his career we always knew he was something special and who wouldn't have fallen in love with him? weren't all of us a little bit dylan strome in awe of the generational talent? we were all bathed in radiant light just by being in the vicinity (2)
don't even tell 'em that you know me breaks my heart (3). in terms of building a narrative i think i've said before there is a universe where connor/dylan were together before the draft and to protect both of them, dylan breaks up with him. connor says i love you and dylan says i don't. because he doesn't, you know? he loved connor. he loved davo. he can't be in love with connor mcdavid, first overall pick of the edmonton oilers. i'd rather be hurt forever than have to watch us try to make this work and destroy us.
and after connor mcdavid left the otters, dylan strome captained them to a memorial cup win. what a haunted home, eh? to be captain of the team you and your best friend were on, only now he's left you? don't call me to tell me about your rookie season with the oilers--we both know about your broken collarbone. don't call me to tell about becoming the youngest captain in franchise history when i stepped into the shoes of your captaincy here. don't call me. (4)
narratively: dylan's the one who broke connor's heart and his own but by god it wasn't easy. we both know what happened, you went first overall. please don't make this harder on me. please don't call.
this verse can be about the weight of dylan having to live up to connor's standards and always being measured by him. i would just like to bring up the connor stepping stone chart for absolutely no reason as well (5)
we are, at long last, at the potential future of now: dylan strome, happy, smiling, thriving on the washington capitals. connor, on the oilers. i'm not yours, dylan can say. haven't been for a long time. it took some time but i made this. please don't call and ruin this for me, stay out of my life. i don't want you or need you (6)
[p.s. this took a while because when i received this ask i was a) immediately possessed to write this verse by verse breakdown i had never thought of before and then b) immediately plagued by the idea of making you a little graphic (above the read more) and finally got to do it after banging out all the actual lyric thoughts two (?) weeks ago. emerging two and a half hours later from the fugue state of GIMP with 37 layers in this bad boy hope you enjoy!!!]
#not me being like did i tell y'all about seeing bleachers? and then just proceeded to take it at face value like yeah i probably did#do i remember when or in what context absolutely not. maybe re: popstar jack? also very possible i was just. yapping.#anyway we're gonna put tag footnotes for other potential pairings &dynamics because otherwise this post looks frankly. unhinged. which it i#(1) because i am nothing if not a parody of myself i would like to provide an honorable mention to the death of the goon in this lyric.#when does time stop? when is it just you & your anger? who's the person you've divorced yourself from because you couldn't catch their fist#in case it was not clear this is also incredibly a trade narrative. did we pick that up? this is lovers to enemies. this is we were not goo#for each other and i don't regret that. parise suter fans rise up. the speaker in this case is the minnesota wild org.#(2) there is a note of nostalgia and longing here--when you were magic. i remember when you were a giant to me. i remember the hope#and possibilities. rip to sidney crosby the next one and golden boy of this generation but this is sung like a rookie to the vet they once#idolized. i was sold and maybe i shouldn't have bought it. maybe you tarnished over time. or in a softer light it is a comfort not a#criticism i bought tickets to the show. at your best you really were something and you made me believe i could be magic too. SORRY. dylan.#sorry. he'll come up again later. but every team has a golden boy don't they? do we know the cathal kelly bedard article where he talks abt#eating your prospects alive by building a narrative they can never live up to & promising them every year so that when they can it's a shoc#(3) three line devastation here my god. don't pretend you were kind golden boy! don't you dare tell anyone what you told me because then#they'd know too. the “coming out” narrative of it is discussed but while i don't love this it's the easiest example i have: jamie & trevor#have we heard jamie talk about trevor in a single interview? sometimes after a guy you loved gets traded you don't want the reminder.#it's even worse if he chooses to leave. claude giroux hater-era au arc where we don't talk about him. jt leaving the islanders dead to them#(4) while not a trade the other draft narrative we grew up together to enemies is of course zach and dylan. zach roaming around ann arbor#please also apply to subsequent usntdp team 100/101/102 narratives. alex turcotte i'm sorry they never speak your name you will hurt foreve#(5) to counter the rookie to the vet narrative of the golden boy this is fairly explicitly To Me a vet about his rookie who's supposed to b#the promised one the one who'll save them all. dallas is coming to mind here but not for any real reason. nail yakupov are you there.#taylor hall curse of the 1OA. pretty common also for guys to take in a kid when you're barely 26 yourself & haven't got ur shit figured out#so. dealing with a neurotic driven kid? yeah this is somebody who had a golden boy &fell out of favor. got traded. ty smith j'accuse style#(6) or in another story please don't call because i'll come right back#goodnight chicago the playoff handshake line. please don't call me. please don't call me.#HELLO BESTIE!!!! i think this is a wonderful song for Fic Purposes and could be applied well to SO many different narratives. i picked a#specific example but do feel the dynamic is very much what the song says: toxic ex and/or family/friend you don't need in your life. trades#seguin leaving boston etc etc. there IS an answer eluding me besides mcstrome though. not toxic enough. tk pat trade? OH TK PAT. or older#trade deadline tragedy
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