#head in hands. i need to make phonecalls. everything else will feel like procrastinating until i make those phonecalls

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

oaughhhh. everything is stagnant again

[shinidamachu]

I have an off top ask, but I figured I'd give it a shot because I use your Tumblr to distract myself a lot, it's my go-to source for when I'm overwhelmed. Anyways, lately I have been completely overwhelmed with anxiety due to some big life changes. I've always had anxiety but it's getting a lot worse. Do you have anxiety? If so, would you feel comfortable sharing how you deal with it? Thx so much, you're a gem.

First of all, thank you so much for reaching out. I'm honored that you see my Tumblr as a source of distraction when you're overwhelmed! I try my best to make a safe space out of this blog and it means a lot that it worked with you.

As for anxiety, well... I don't know for sure if I have it, because I have never seen a therapist and I don't feel comfortable self diagnosing. Especially because it's a serious mental illness and the last thing I wanna do is to treat it lightly by making a false equivalence with "normal" anxiety.

That being said, I do remember the very first time I had a "Whatever This Is" attack. I was a middle school kid and my history teacher made a question for the class. A question I knew the answer to. I wanted to raise my hand and speak up, but the thought of it made my heart try to burst out of my chest and I was totally paralyzed.

It only got worse from them on. College was particularly challenging in that sense. I've cried because of tests. I've cried because of essays. And this could be relativelly ordinary, except that, usually, I hardly cry.

And more often than not, I can spot the exact reason why I'm feeling that way. For instance, I hate to speak in public to this day, so when I'm forced to do it, I know I'm gonna shake and stutter and wish I was hit by a bus so I wouldn't have to do it... but sometimes, I'll just... wake up and feel this way for absolute no goddamn reason.

It affects me mentally by making me procrastinate important tasks, double check informations I already knew for the hundredth time, getting one hour earlier to a place because I was too afraid of being late, dreading phonecalls and text notifications from certain people, etc. But it's how it affects me physically that really sucks: I lose all appetite, I feel constipated, I get restless, my hands go cold.

And it happened every single time I had to make a life changing decision. It's like a little voice in the back of my head narrating the worst case scenario again and again. And it won't leave me alone until I start believing it will happen, that I'm a fraud and that my future is bleak.

Personally, I deal with it the way you seem to deal with it: by distracting myself. I put on a comfort movie or series. I read fanfiction. I scrool through Tumblr. I listen to music. I think to myself: what would make me happy right now? And then, if it's possible, I do it. If it's not possible, I take deep breaths and try to focus on the good and, to me, that is the finishing line.

Because nothing is eternal and, whatever it is that is making me feel bad, it will go away eventually. Sure, it will be replaced by the next thing that will make me feel bad, but hopefully I'll get some good days between one and the other. I also realized that I avoid doing things by fear of messing it up or finding out I'm not good at it. It helps when I break the process down into small steps or pretend I have my shit together as much as everyone else.

Of course, this is just me. If I do have anxiety, it's been quite manageable by myself so far, but I cannot stress enough that different people with different levels of anxiety might need different methods of dealing with it. Not everything works for everyone. Some people exercise, some people talk it out with someone they trust. There's no right answer. You gotta figure out what works for you.

However, if you're feeling that overwhelmed, I highly suggest you go see a psychologist. I know it can be expensive, but if you're short on money like the rest of us, maybe you can find someone willing to work pro bono. Professional help is very important.

Now, I don't know which big life changes you're going through right now, but I want you to know that you're not alone, even though it might feel like it. We've all been there, in a way or the other, but that's life. It's scarry. It's frustrating and not always fair.

But I have no doubt you'll figure it out and become all the more stronger for it.