#i was thinking about that yesterday when i was smoking bc i realized a huge part of socializing for me is overthinking...

[soupblr]

oh im actually going to kill someone literally the first thing i thought was that the files must be transcribed weird. I WAS FUCKING RIGHT WHY IS IT TRANSCODING SHIT IN REAL TIME AT THE ABSOLUTE MAX POSSIBLE FUCK OFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!! THAT SETTING WAS OFF!! omg is it the files i got or something i thought they were fine. i feel like an insane person rn why is all my shit changed. if u literally told me someone broke in and changed a bunch of small things to make my setup work badly i would believe you because what the actual fuck. i was gonna say i need to listen to myself but i fixed like 3 other problems by not fixing what is probably the main fucking issue and itll be faster than before now but holy shit holy fucking shit oh my god

[yichens]

2020 – a (content creator) year in review

I decided to make this into a mix of these two games I was (kinda?) tagged into so thank you for @leonzhng and @tiesanjiao ♥ I hope you don’t mind me doing it like this ^^ all the questions were just so interesting that I wanted to try!

(bc of the amount of questions, I’m placing them under a cut so that I don’t flood anyone’s dash) 

Me

(this is the 2020 year in review that hanyi tagged me to ♥ sorry am so late!)

Top 5 Movies you saw this year

wow tbh I didn’t watch many movies this year as I realized yesterday when I was thinking about this for certain reasons. Or at least I feel like I didn’t watch that many? Nothing really stuck with me it seems.

Because of this, I will only mention two: Parasite and The Old Guard. Those were both wonderful in their own ways and I’m very happy I got to watch them both ^^

Top 5 TV shows you watched this year

this one is difficult bc I watched so many (and forgot even more?) but:

The Lost Tomb Reboot (my introduction to DMBJ. this drama stole my heart and helped me through the tough autumn semester!) 

Joy of Life (it’s nuts that this happened during 2020? it feels like it was ages ago)

Kingdom (such a positive surprise and I really hope we get more of this :o I really recommend!)

Detective L (easy, nice aesthetics, amazing costumes. Bai Yu was a delight as Luo Fei)

Sand Sea (I am still baffled by how much I loved this bc I had so many doubts? am happy I did tho)

Bonus: Guardian (bc it has come to stay and the rewatch has been so emotional but so rewarding)

Top 5 songs of 2020

this is a tough one too bc I’ve heard so much new music during 2020 but I will try to put it simply:

Black Swan by BTS (I absolutely adore this song. I listened to it on repeat when it came out at the beginning of the year, I have cried for it a ton, I enjoy every stage I see for it and it’s just a masterpiece. it has also helped a bit with my writing struggles that I’ve felt creeping up on me lately)

Always by By The Coast (an amazing song that always leaves me in my feels. inspires me a lot all the time)

Love me or Leave me by DAY6 (this whole album was a masterpiece and I listened to it on loop for like. two weeks? this was my favorite song on it even if I adored the rest too, especially Zombie)

all of my life by Park Won (listened to this a lot in relation to my xicheng and the wedding I finally got to write for them ;; that’s one good thing that came out of this year tbh)

雨人 by 刘畅 (Liu Chang) (with the Reboot’s ending song, this one is my favorite on that ost. I love Liu Chang’s voice, I loved Liu Sang as a character and as I said, I loved Reboot as a drama. I get super emotional about this ost so I think it defined this year a lot for me)

Top 5 books you read in 2020  

All For The Game -trilogy (listened to these as audiobooks but that counts right?)

The Song of Achilles (as an audiobook too and really adored the reader’s voice)

The Smoke Thieves -series (I really just binge read the two first books in this series and am so excited for the next one!)

Call Down The Hawk (love love love)

Guardian novel (am not very into these novels usually but I was positively surprised this time? it was so cool to finally get the original story and compare it with the drama version)

5 positive things that happened in 2020

joined mdzsnet and met all the amazing ppl there and got to become part of this loving community and :’) I’m so thankful, it’s been a joy

learned more about editing? or started doing it regularly. I still can’t do shit but am having fun learning more all the time and I really hope that maybe the upcoming year I can switch to PS and try out giffing?

went to Halsey’s concert! it was in february so a bit before all the hassle with covid happened over here ;; it was super cool and so nice and I just. I love Halsey

fell into the DMBJ hellhole which am very much enjoying. it’s a great universe and the story is so good and the dramas have been so fun to watch and. it feels like a good continuation to The Untamed somehow haha (also brought me a new friend! you’re amazing ashen!! ♥)

started therapy and it’s been... a journey. but towards something better I think? it’s something I would’ve needed ages ago but it’s better late than never I suppose

My Creations

(this is the other part where ali was being super sweet and mentioned me ♥ thank you for being so awesome!)

1. first creation and most recent creation of 2020: wow it’s been a while since I’ve looked at this horrible creation but here ya go jkdhgk [x]. I’ve come a long way from this (and my xicheng has come a long way from this too). most recent one is this xiaoge edit that I absolutely adore [x]. 

2. one of your favorite creations from 2020: this wwx edit that was part of my agust d2 edit series [x]. I loved to give him blue instead of his typical red. 

3. a new style you tried this year and a gifset edit that uses it: this [x] wwx edit which I don’t know if I like or not but I was playing around with the font and all the effects instead of just normal screenshots + coloring. also I just adore the quote. 

4. a creation to be proud of: I could mention that xiaoge here but in addition, I will also say this wu xie edit for reboot [x]. I managed to capture my vision so well, I was surprised. for cql, this songxiao edit [x]. I loved how it turned out in the end. 

5. a creation that took forever: this wangxian edit [x]. like I’ve said several times, I lost sleep bc of it. I just kept struggling with the third pic and how to place the text there D: 

6. your creation from 2020 that received the most notes: this lwj/wangxian edit [x]. I had many ideas for this edit when I first started making it and I never managed to capture my vision in the way I first intended... the pictures I was supposed to use just never fit quite right sigh. I dunno why it was this one that gained all the notes in the end bc I personally think I have better ones too but am still thankful :’D 

7. a creation you think deserved more notes: as said, dmbj fandom on tumblr is very small so I really want to say the two already mentioned ones (wu xie and xiaoge) and then my pingxie edits [x] [x]. also these wwx edits which I personally am very happy about [x] [x]. and from my agust d2 series, this yun bros one [x].

8. a new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it: really just dmbj this year and I’ve already linked all of my creations for that :’D tho I have plans for another pingxie edit and a liu sang edit! oh and maybe I could mention guardian here with this shen wei [x]. I had so much fun while making it (also the quote just haunted me relentlessly until I gave it a moment). 

9. a creation you made that breaks your heart: this must be my easter islanders (lwj and jc) edit [x] that just. awoke many thoughts in me? I’m going to put a link to the version where you can read my ramblings underneath :’D 

10. a ‘simple’ creation that you really love: my creation for the creator (gif?) challenge that was going around! [x] it was simple and nice to do and I loved the result. also, it was nice to work with jl for a change :’) 

11. a favorite creation created by someone else: oh wow ok so this is going to be rough bc I have so many favorites ;; you can look at this post here [x] to see more! 

but to love my two taggers am going to say these [x / x] [x] [x] [x] [x] by hanyi (I always love your edits, the colors you choose, the thoughts you put into them (and your humor too!). there are so many cool things you’ve done that I just stay in awe of! I adore all of it ;; ♥) and these [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] by ali (I love all of your gifsets so much, they have such pretty colors and such good scenes, and I am thankful every day that you make all the amazing dmbj content, pls never stop ;; I should go through all of your creations properly one day! I noticed you have sand sea stuff too and let me scream?) ^^ ♥

12. your favorite content creators and blogs that you appreciate: this is going to be a huge list and I’ve already made my love heard for some but no hurt in doing it again so @i-am-just-a-kiddo @ashenwren @tiesanjiao @kholran @lzswy @englishbunnyrocks @leonzhng @aheartfullofjolllly @yibobibo @inkblue-black @cross-d-a @bloody-bee-tea @fytheuntamed @mdzsnet @lifegoesmon @creeds-eagle @underaswift-sunrise @sarawatsaraleo @lan-xichens @mylastbraincql @wangxianbunnydoodles @manhasetardis @distantsnows @ohsehuns @minmoyu @linglynz @highwarlockkareena @yiqiie @aowyn @alienwlw @wangxiians @kingbadcat @sassyassassy @tytangfei @lanzhannnn @skzmxtp @leoyunxi @yoonqiful @softjeon @rapbabenamjoon @ronan-adam @miyakuli @pavusdorian @arsuf @brolinskeep @gawincaskeyy and so many others! (sorry for all the random ppl on this list that I’ve never even talked to ^^’ just know that you make my dash a wonderful place! ♥) 

I won’t tag anyone separately here but everyone who’s already been tagged or sees this is free to do this (or link me posts if you’ve done these already!) ♥ have a nice day everyone! 

[alias-b]

angel cake.

Summary: Former enemies, now friends and maybe lovers, Billy Hargrove and Evie Fenny start teasing in a church confessional. Things take a turn for the heated when Billy's imagination gets away from him. ~Also posted on my AO3

Billy/plus size!OC. Fucking in a confessional. Sin. Filth. Thanks for reading. Weird to write them romantically bc the start of the fic is Rough. They have work to do. Billy Being Nasty In Church. Teaser at later stuff for my new enemies to friends to lovers Billy/OC Fic, Sins of My Youth, that I want to start posting. XOXO.

Billy Hargrove x Evie Fenny

angel cake. 🍰

   “You really have to go to this thing?” Billy’s Camaro roared into a church parking lot. Looked out of place there. Multicolored tulips swept against the spring wind, too pleasant before the fender.

   “Told mom I’d help out. I’m not staying for the festivities, they just need extra hands setting up the food and Easter egg hunt.” Aviators flashed at Evie in the passenger seat.

   Billy with his arm propped in the window. Denim jacket and white button down tucked into tight jeans. Cigarette dangling out his lips. Exceptionally pretty, even against all the pastel flowers and banners set for the holiday. 

   “What a good daughter. Santa ought to put you on the nice list for sure.” He plucked the smoke out to exhale as she brought the car mirror down.

   “Hell, I forgot I had red on today.You have napkins in here?” She opened the glove box to sift through papers. Billy extended his arm.

   “Use the jacket, give me something messy to remember you by.” A wink followed before she took his wrist and smacked a ruby kiss into his forearm, printing the light wash. Eyes flicked as some of the red lipstick got swiped away, leaving a more pink tint behind.

   “Thanks, I guess.”

   “Red is the devil’s color,  Evangeline.” Came some mocking in a horrid southern accent. She scoffed with her eyes elsewhere.

   “You could always come help if you’re going to pout.” She dug around her purse.

   “Not pouting. Churches and I don’t mix. It’s the one thing dad and I agree on.” Billy pulled his shades down and folded them into his front pocket with the cigarettes. 

   “Well, pick me up in an hour, we’ll go catch something scary and sinful.” She applied chapstick and rubbed her lips together.

   “Sinful? I like that.” Billy’s fingers squeezed her thigh, hot on skin and just barely under the little black suspender skirt. Evie wore a brightly colored tee with sunflowers all over it. Her usual green bomber jacket covered in patches. “That new?”

   “The chapstick? No, it’s tinted and smells like watermelon though.”

   “Let me try.” Billy saw her offer the tube and instead pulled her in by the collar for a kiss. Mashing their lips together. He flicked his tongue out for good measure and heard her gasp against his ferocity. It still managed to catch her off guard. A light smack when he parted, tonguing his bottom lip. “Mm, tastes like watermelon too.”

   “Billy, there are people over there.” She pushed his wandering hand out of her skirt.

   “I’d like to see Jesus himself come out and...what the fuck is that?” Billy’s finger lifted so Evie followed it to see the Easter Bunny leaving a lone side door. Lavender fur with white tufts, huge goofy grin.

   “Yeah, they have someone dress up every year for when the kids arrive, which is in about sixty minutes, so I gotta go.” Evie had Billy’s wrist again to check the time. Pecked his cheek and shifting before he about howled. “What?” Her body jumped at the sound.

   “No fucking way!” Billy was scrambling out because the bunny head had come off so a quick smoke could be snuck around back. “No way! Hey, Harrington! That you, amigo? What’s up, doc?” 

   Steve spun on his heel, holding a cigarette in one hand and the bunny head under his other arm. His head fell back with a groan because Billy was leaning up against his chair, bent over to belly laugh.

   “Hargrove?” Steve looked mortified, but played tough. “Are they really letting you within five feet of a church?” Billy was too busy cackling to retort. Fist clenched and head resting upon his arm on the Camaro.

   “The fucking tail.” Billy wasn’t stopping so Evie crossed her arms.

   “What happened to Gary?” Evie approached Steve, head cocking. “Ignore Billy.”

   “I try to… And food poisoning. I dropped Dustin off at home yesterday to help Claudia out and she begged me last minute. I’m getting fifteen bucks for it though. Not bad for the Saturday before Easter.” He flashed a half smile. “Suit kinda smells like potpourri, I-...Is he gonna stop or what?” 

   “He’ll tucker himself out eventually.” Evie turned her head to see Billy unable to get air. “Billy, take a breath already before you pass out!” A huge gulp followed. More wild laughter. “Jeez.”

   “I’m never gonna live this down, shit.” Steve mumbled around his smoke, flicking it. “Asshole.”

   “Might want to get back in, Pastor will have a cow if he catches you smoking in the suit.” Evie took the head to help Steve back into it.

   “See you, Hargrove. Remember to breathe, dick.” The bunny snuck back in the side door. Another round of laughs at the sight of the puffy tail.

   “I wanna kick his ass so bad. You don’t understand.” Billy stretched out, eyes watering and cheeks blushed. Freckles glowing.

   “You short circuiting still?” Evie peered down at her boots.

   “I don’t know what Easter is about, but that...was the best shit I’ve ever seen.” Billy snickered like a little boy with his hand in the cookie jar. Evie only rolled her eyes.

   “New beginnings, Billy.” Heels clicked up behind them so Billy straightened quick to get his composure.

   “Hey, mom.” Evie leaned out from behind the boy.

   Mona Fenny appeared from the main doors, her arms full of bags. Brightly colored plastic eggs packed with treats about to spill out. Hair pumped, unable to move, with a short 60s sheath dress clinging to her body. Yellow and orange print. Something that was definitely noted by the men around. Single and ready at all times. Evie felt her cheeks heat at her mother.

   “New beginnings, Miss Mona?” Billy repeated, one hand sliding into his jean pocket.

   “That’s what I always thought, sugar.” That southern twang thick beyond all reach.

   Billy always liked to poke fun at Evie, she had the slightest Louisiana touch to her voice that came out when she was in a more fiery disposition. She swore it wasn’t true.

   “Evie, they’re trying to get the dessert table set up. I didn’t realize Billy was joining us.” Mona continued.

   “Oh, I-”

   “You know, Billy was actually telling me he’s never been to a real Easter gathering before. Not a church event.” Evie’s sly smile crossed and he shot her a look. “I’m sure those big, strong arms you got would really help out setting up.” Evie came to him and gave his bicep a pat.

   “That’s lovely, Billy. You know the kids just love this event, fun in the sun and more food than you’ll ever eat. Go on inside, you two. We have decorations to get going.” Mona clicked away, peppy in stride.

   “I had a hair appointment.” Billy hissed through his teeth when Evie’s mother was gone.

   “You want to tell my mother that you’re going to get your hair done somewhere that isn’t her salon?” Evie’s lips pressed. Billy’s face scrunched because she had him there. “I panicked, the people here are too much. Please stay.”

   “Your mom never turns her volume down, does she? Looking more like a brunette Sharon Tate than a Dolly Parton.” Billy locked his car, stuffing the scorpion keychain into his pocket.

   “Been like that since dad left, she’s...on the market. Trying to feel good. People notice and they say some not great stuff. She went from dressing like a nun to a model overnight.” Evie was holding her arms close to her chest still, making this unconscious patting motion Billy always noted like she was trying to console herself.

   “Really bugs you, what people think.”

   “It’s a small town, it bugs everyone.” Evie turned, skirt flitting while her curls bounced. “Don’t like all these guys ogling my mom.”

   Doesn’t like that one might replace her dad. Evie peered back at Billy, lips pushed up to appear brighter. He decided he wanted to see her happier without force.

   “I’ll stick around. You owe me.” Steps followed. One hand gave her bottom a firm pat.

   “You know, the Easter Bunny has to do a dance before the festivities begin?” She whispered then. “It’s tradition.”

   Billy perked up like a dog.

   “Right, so, decorations?” He waltzed ahead with a giggling girl in tow. Spotted the moms passing boxes off. All stilling to see him there. Wind sweeping his blond locks like a beefcake out of a romance novel. Shirt open with his saint chain glinting upon his tanned chest. “Ladies.”

   “Hi, Billy.” Came the chorus.

   He ate that up a little. 

   Sunlight was barely felt through the spring breeze. Balloons and streamers glowed every direction. Twisted around Evie’s manicured fingers as she passed them up to Billy to be tied around the banner.

   “Feel like I might float away here.” The wind swept up her unruly curls as she smiled below when Billy peered to see her. Pink and violet balloons. Yellow streamers. She looked like a piece of decadent candy there. “What?”

   Billy snapped out of it.

   “Why do I have to be on the ladder?” He snatched another bundle of strings from her to tie them up.

   “I wore a skirt so I wouldn’t have to be.” Came the cheeky reply. Hawkins residents hurried all over to set up the grassy field.

   “Let’s switch. Although, the view here ain’t half bad. I can totally see down your shirt.” His tongue swept over eager lips as eyes lowered to her breasts. Brows furrowed to glare at him. It was striking how cute she was, even angry. High, apple cheeks and pillowy lips. The sun brought some gold into lush, dark curls. 

   “Jerk.” An arm hanging with streamers covered her chest. “We’re standing next to a church. Behave yourself, you’re fixing to get smited.”

   “God’s got bigger problems than me.” He shrugged, caught his tongue in teeth. Smirked. “Fixin’ to. Your Louisiana is showing.”

   “Shut it, I got too much family down there still. Sometimes it jumps out. I don’t have an accent.”

   “You so do. Just saying it’s cute.” He caught her cheeks flooding all strawberries and cream.

   “Hey, I have to keep my clinically unapproachable ice queen reputation. You’re not helping.”

   “Damn cute then.” Billy’s head cocked. A wink of those sinfully, long lashes. “Hand me another one.”

   Evie’s hand came to his to offer a new bundle of balloons.

   Green grass swept about as parents worked to hide eggs all over and a full spread of picnic food was set out on blue gingham tables. Kids started to pile in so Billy decided it was time to hide around the building after snagging the biggest piece of apple pie he could. Alone, they watched the crowds play beyond a row of vibrant tulips.

   “One fork?” Evie leaned up against the wall.

   “You had my tongue in your mouth this morning, don’t complain about sharing a fork.”

   “Fair enough.” She let him feed her a bite. “That wasn’t so bad, time flew. You want to jet?” A bouncy tune played as Billy craned his neck around the corner after a huge bit of pie. Evie followed his line of sight.

   “Easter is my new favorite holiday.” He let Evie snag the fork to finish off the slice, tossing the plate into the trash. Genuine laughter as Steve Harrington did a jig in his costume across the open field. Billy’s arm slid over Evie’s shoulders. “You think I can pay one of these kids to kick bunny in the nuts?”

   “We’re leaving… Before you traumatize some child.” She tugged at his wrist to sneak in a side door. “Left my coat and purse over here.”

   Absolutely empty and dim save for the morning sun spilling into stained glass. They passed rows of pews to the tables covered in empty boxes. Evie went for her purse and realized she already lost Billy, curiously rooting around.

   “Hey, don’t touch that.”

   “They actually have one of these things? I thought movies made this shit up.” Billy poked his head around the little confessional booth. Hardwood and sleek to touch. Ornate and out of place against bright blue wallpaper. Two doors on either side. “So, everyone’s planning on staying outside right? Should be entertained a few hours, hm.”

   He went in and a lock clicked.

   “Billy, hey.” Evie felt the urge to keep her voice low. “Get out of there. They actually don’t really use this thing anymore.”

   “Doesn’t get use, eh? Too bad.” His snicker was muffled. “Get in the other side, Angel, confess your sins.”

   “I’ll confess that I think the nickname is still silly.” She wiggled the handle and poked her head into the opposite side. Saw Billy’s pretty silhouette through the tiny mesh window. Both sides were cramped like an airplane bathroom.

   “Roomier than I thought.”

   “Some of us have hips here.” Evie huffed at him, the door shut while she slid inside. “Kinda creepy actually, let’s go.”

   “You gotta confess first, it’s the rule.” His wild curls flicked so she plopped into the wooden bench.

   “This is not even sexy, I feel like I’m about to be murdered here.” She pressed her hands on either wall.

   “Better confess quick in that case,” Billy leaned in, she saw his lashes flutter, “what color are your panties today?”

   “Billy.” She covered the mesh with one hand.

   “Do they match the bra?” He continued, voice lowering.

   “I’m not doing this.” Evie lifted her skirt and shifted a lacy pair of shorts aside to see. Billy’s breath drew heavier. “What’s it matter if they match?”

   “If they match, you walked into this church thinking you’d be getting some later.” He said that far too matter-a-factually. “Sinner. What color? Describe them exactly.”

   “You’re being gross.” She knew he heard the band of her little biker shorts snap. Caved. “Purple. Like a lilac.”

   “Cotton?”

   “...Satin.”

   A lengthy hum from Billy at that.

   “And the bra. I’m assuming the same.” He already heard Evie shuffling to check.

   “Ah, shit.” She let her shirt go and he chuckled. “I didn’t even plan that. I wasn’t thinking about it.”

   “Your subconscious knew, Angel. No denying it.” Billy propped his arm up.

   “Okay, what do you have on?” The challenge was easily met.

   “Nothing under the jeans, currently. You should try it.”

   “In a skirt? Without my little shorts? My thighs would rub, I’d be miserable.” Came a whine.

   “I’d massage your poor thighs, maybe blow the hot skin to cool it off if you like.” His suggestion wasn’t helpful. “Spread them and rub some ice to make you feel better. Few kisses all the way up.” That damn low baritone lingered upon the syllables like he might lick them. Evie gave a silent snort out her nose. “You’d probably squirm a little bit like you are now.”

   “I am not squirming.” Evie’s chest lifted, eyes turned to Billy’s outline.

   “Now, Angel, you can’t tell lies in here. The sins are just piling up for you today.” Billy peered around, couldn’t see much in here. Spotted her lips parting, but sound came out. “Betcha, you’re already soaked through those satin, lilac panties.” His purring was met with hard silence before a forcibly huff.

   “Billy...quit it.” She bit her lip this time sounding like she’d smiled. Billy spotted her cheeks lifting, full and blushed all pretty he figured.

   “I’ll confess, it took every ounce of fight in me to get you here on time. Lot of places in this town to stop and...park at for a bit. The one charming thing I discovered about this place.”

   “How sunny side up of you.” She hummed.

   “You would have let me have it because we would have parked for awhile. You’d be late. Probably left your wrecked panties in the backseat and walked around here with fireworks still going off under your skin. We both know it.” 

   “Probably wouldn’t have made it here at all.” Her slow reply was uttered and Billy grinned.

   “See, I behaved.” He got closer to the window. “Confess, Evie.”

   “Confess that you’re a total horn dog.” She drew in to meet him.

   “Confess what you want me to do to you in there.” Billy murmured. She blew a curl out her face at that. “I got it, I want you to be my first.” He’d offered that with huge, glittering eyes she’d caught the glint of. Eyebrows jumped.

   “What? Literally yesterday, we-”

   “I never fucked in a church before.” He got her eyes rolling hard, almost to the back of her skull.

   “Jesus Christ, Billy.” She covered the mesh again, heard him laughing on the other side.

   “Not the name you need to be moaning right now.” Billy smacked the window closed and came out. 

   “Finally, we can go-” Evie had the door open. Still blushing. Chest puffed. 

   Billy appeared from smoke, had his hands on either side before he pushed in. Catching her lips on the way until the door could shut behind them. Cupping Evie’s face so she pressed into the wall. Back of her legs hit the bench and managed to not buckle. Palms felt around the hardwood for something to grab for until fingers bunched up Billy’s jacket.

   She broke for air. Gulped on it before his tongue was back into her mouth.

   “We should…” Lips swelled with kisses. “Go to the car.”

   “Will you make that walk? I know I won’t.” Came the hushed reply. “We could cross something big off the bucket list.” Persuasive lips were already working on her neck, teeth tugged her ear and grazed back down. Billy got a handful of her tits and hummed.

   “Not...Not sure it’s on my bucket list.” She just held onto him. Knees wobbling as Billy massaged through the bra.

   “I’d add it now while you have time.” He pecked her throat. Felt the pulse under tender skin racing. “Confess.” It was a sinful purr. Evie’s head tipped back. Lungs starting to sputter. Billy made her heart a pile of volcanic mush.

   “What if someone comes in?” She let him tuck her curls aside. Lips on her cheeks and jaw. Finding her mouth again. Tasting sweet sugar from the apple pie they shared.

   “We’ll just have to keep it down and pray the party is entertaining enough to keep people outside.” He mumbled, coming out to pull the shirt from her skirt up over the pretty bra she had on. 

   Hands pulled her suspenders forth until Evie molded into him. Kissed back with the same fierce vigor he gave. Felt the chain around his neck while her fingers slipped under the collar of his shirt, four buttons already undone.

   The hard lines of his body sweltered with fire. Whatever resolve she might have had melted away completely. 

   Evie liked how he always cupped her face to look at her features close between steaming kisses. Fingers trailed to work her bra down just enough for her to spill into his touch. Into his mouth. Bruising suckles. Teeth edging across silken skin. Tongue swirling one dark, rosy nipple than the other as she tried to quiet herself and ran fingers into his gold mane. A hiss and Billy’s eyes lifted. Evie’s head was turned aside, teeth in her bottom lip. Eyes shut.

   “Cute when you try to hold it together.” Cool breath against her hard, wet nipple sent a vibration down her spine. Billy licked up her chest to inhale that amber perfume, a floral scent with a touch of vanilla from her lotion. Smelled lush to match him. She pushed his face back into her cleavage, partly to quiet him because he was too cocky.

   Chuckling and breathless, Billy came up to tease her lips. Twisting her nipples just so to elicit a sigh. Low and even, Billy ran his finger over her mouth.

   “Just confess, Angel, it’ll feel so fucking good when you do.” He caught her bottom lip and let it go.

   “Promise?” Evie’s lips parted involuntarily at his touch, let his finger stroke her tongue and slip out. 

   “I promise.” That same hand already hiked her skirt to tug at shorts until they came down. His finger inched under the waistband of her panties, teasing sensitive skin. She pressed into his body, vibrating for more. Swaying. Arms snug around his shoulders to stay upright.

   A shameless sound when her lips collided with his. Thigh hitching around his hips in a needy motion. Not shy about what she desired for one beat because he knew how to coax that side of her out. Billy teased lighter kisses, let his deft fingers dance along her inner thigh. Evie was stubborn and she knew what he wanted. 

  Confession.

   A growl rippled out her tense vocal cords. Trying to reel sound in despite Billy’s inherent ability to make her see new sparks of vivid neon colors here in pure darkness.

   “Okay…” She panted, pulling for him until their foreheads touched. “Okay.” A drunken moment where eyes could close. One beat of peace in obscenity. His free arm tightened around the small of her back so they were flush together. Perfect fit. Every curve to her body sloped easily into him. An almost Biblical fate because of how good they felt together. Evie parted her mouth to ghost it over his. “I sinned.”

   “Yeah?” Billy’s palm inched up to reward her sighs. A smirk crossed. “How’s that?”

   “Because I was hoping you’d pull over on the way here. Would have seen the new underwear in a better light. And I squirmed the whole way. Your loss.” All that cheeky strength simmered down when fingers pushed between thick thighs. Wet satin fabric slipped deliberately against her and Billy moaned at the mere feel. Rock hard.

   “Fuck, you’re soaked, Angel.” His tone thickened.

   Evie wasn’t able to articulate. Face in his chest with her needy fingers tight on his jacket. She played her demure self again. Billy felt her legs tremor, nudged them further apart with his boot.

   “All for me? I wouldn’t call it a loss. You gotta hold yourself up a bit longer, open that mouth again.” He gave her two slick fingers to suck so he could kiss down her tits some more. Plucked and nipped at every sensitive part of her body. “Fucking god damn it, I might give religion a shot after this.”

   “Yeah?” Evie licked the pads as Billy slunk down to marvel. Thought about taking her skirt off, but he decided he liked the way the straps framed her breasts partially spilling out of the bra.

   One hand forced her thigh up until her foot hit the bench. Evie was curved back into the wall, holding the side frame and gripping Billy’s shoulder.

   “Long as I get to go where you’re going, I don’t give a shit about anything else.” A chuckle warmed her leg as he pushed her skirt up out of the way.

   “That sounded oddly sentimental.”

   “Maybe I’ll bring you down to my level instead. Sinner.” Billy’s mouth placed one open kiss against her wet panties. Tongue following the hard swell of her bud. She decided she’d let him there in darkness. Every muscle in Evie’s body jumped at full attention. His divine and equally wicked mouth hummed blissfully. She craned to dig teeth into her own arm. Fists clenching.

   Billy maneuvered her leg over to get the ruined fabric down. Tucked them into his coat pocket and she figured she wouldn’t be seeing them again. Kneeling, Billy scooted closer and pushed her thigh back up, baring her to his mouth. 

   A cry hitched, snuffing out immediately as he tasted her. Filthy, open mouth kisses until her fingers tangled into his hair. Pulled. Billy moaned into her folds. Squeezed her thighs and loved the feel of them. God, he really couldn’t get enough of this girl. Every whine she let him have. Every nerve that wanted him. Needed him to ease the frays and sizzling. He just couldn’t get enough and was fine with following her into the dark.

   “Don’t stop.” Evie whispered. Hair falling into her face while her breasts rose and fell. She licked her lips and savored him.

   The dirty sounds he made against her that barely carried outside the booth. Billy squeezed her breast once he was certain she could stay up so she covered his hand. Craned to suck fingers. A gasp left. Evie’s hips rolled into his mouth. Asking for even more until two fingers pushed inside. 

   Billy moaned when her walls clamped. Pumped through the resistance to massage her nice and deep. Evie was quivering there. Using both arms on the sides to stay up. Shameless working into him now. Billy made a vaguely amused sound and gave an obscene pop around her clit, leaning out with arousal slicking his pink lips. It was music, the sounds her body let flow into crisp air.

   “Damn, no wonder you don’t go here anymore. Fucking yourself so hard and pretty on my fingers like this. You couldn’t make the nice list if you paid.” Being eye level with the sight had his cock twitching almost painfully. Evie’s head was tossed back. Clearly getting herself closer so Billy pulled away. Silenced her whine with a kiss. Let her suck and nip at his bottom lip. “See how fucking good you taste?”

   Evie’s hands were opening his belt. Quick and eager. Billy hitched as one palm slipped in, fingers ghosting trimmed blond hair to ease him out of the denim.

   “Confess, Evie, how bad you want me to fuck you right here.” He spoke as if he still had the upper hand.

   “Bet you I can do it without words.” Evie had his hips, guiding Billy to switch so he could sit. The question died and buried itself the second she sank down to lick precum pooling at his tip. Billy’s hips thrust up, eyes heavy and hooded.

   “That bad?” He shuddered, legs opening so she could lean into him. Evie unbuttoned the rest of his shirt to kiss the steel muscles. Twitching and molten. Nails scraped his skin. Stopped to stroke him idly. Kissing his abdomen, thighs, and tip. Evie traced the lines of vein and muscle. Down his shaft and back up his chest. So many sharp angles to explore.

   Little butterfly kisses while she leaned in until his cock slipped snug between her breasts. Spit slick and beading clear arousal. Billy moaned at the sight and gave a rut as she noticed and started to come out. 

   Hands latched to her shoulders. Billy hummed and rolled her nipple. Felt the weight of her tits and pushed them to squeeze his shaft. Idle fingers stilled to tuck her hair back in a way that was almost tender.

   “You’re pretty like this,” he said thoughtfully, “you’re pretty every which way.” Teeth tugged at her bottom lip. A shy kiss followed. Sometimes, he got so bold, she sank. Learned to savor it. Billy whispered against her. “Have I ever told you my cock looks great between your tits like that?” Frankly, he’d be happy to get off rubbing between her breasts or thighs alone. Fingers digging into supple skin. Evie had become a drug to him. Vanilla and amber immersed him in a high.

   “The occasion hasn’t really crossed.”

   “I’ll have to fix that next time I can lie you down.” Billy let her stroke him again and come up. Hesitating so he had to encourage her. “Get in my lap.” He was already pulling her into him. Smoothing hair back sweetly for lingering kisses.

   She long stopped worrying about feeling too heavy for him. Billy threw her around a mattress like it was nothing. Spread her legs, bent them up how he liked. Marveled at her flexibility. Kissed her obscenely and told her how pretty and blushed she looked. She liked when he was ample with her body. The boy certainly lifted enough weights, a fuller girl with hips was nothing to that. Jeans shifted lower as she straddled him. A kiss before she sank down.

   Billy moaned. A low honeyed sound into her ear. Almost musical. Arms wrapped tighter. Evie thanked God for birth control and moved at his coaxing.

   “C’mon, fuck me. I want it.” Billy kissed her fiercely. Nipples. Collar. Throat. Jawline. Mouth. And each time, he felt that same thrill rush his bones. A palm smacked her ass, squeezed it. Got drunk off the pulsing and little whines she gave him as if they were gift wrapped. “Confession. I want pictures of you. Spread out with my cock in you every way you like. They won’t beat the real thing, but fuck, I can’t...stop with you. Don’t want to.”

   Billy looked vulnerable when he moaned so pretty.

   His knuckles traced the curve of her cheekbone. Evie bounced, gripped his shoulders to stay upright with her spine curving. Unable to respond to something so passionate. Billy had that mode on him, sometimes it came out in odd ways. Filthy words to match his obscene way of caressing and worship. His manner of making Evie feel bold and sexy. Cute. Pretty. Fierce. Desired. The fact that sometimes he’d lie still for once and seek out her fingers across his curls and her lips on his cheek.

   Evie Fenny was a drug and cure to him, all at once. She gave back. Made Billy feel full and light. Made him feel present. Like he could shed his fangs. Lie back and feel the sun on his skin.

   “Confession,” Evie said between quick kisses with her thumb tracing the edge of his jaw, “I want more of you too. After....”

   “After?” He scoffed. “Like tonight?”

   “Just… After.” She slowed to rock into him. Deep thrusts that made them both moan in sync. So close. “After what’s next for us. Life. High school. Whatever. I want you to be apart of my after.”

   He could blame the sex for short circuiting her brain, he’d given it to her pretty hard.

   “I don’t know what I’m saying.” She rubbed her eyes, laughed because it felt silly. Felt Billy swoop in to kiss her. Wordlessly validating it wasn’t silly at all. That was another thing they did, pumped life into hopeful hearts and dwindling thoughts of something more. Something that was waiting...after.

   “We’ll deal with the after.” Billy skimmed a hand between them. Stroked her until she gave a cry into the denim of his jacket. A beautiful note. Evie thought she heard the twinkling music from outside, joyful and airy. Realized that maybe it was just playing in her head. “Right now, I want you to come.” He pecked her parted lips. “Cum for me, Angel.”

  “Billy.” She found his mouth again. They shared a godly nectar in one kiss. He worked her hips into his as she climaxed. Lungs heaving with a great arch. Billy watched her tits bounce and found his own release quick. Let her slip into him as he fell back to the wall. Lungs tried to find some peace. That New Orleans accent laced her tone again. “God damn it, Billy.”

   “Still a church, Fenny.” He massaged her thighs. Eyes shifting while she breathed even and fixed her bra. Tucked her shirt back in.

  “I need a bathroom. This is about to be a mess.” She slipped off him, pulled her undershorts back on because he wasn’t giving her panties up. Thighs hummed, sore and blissful. Billy tucked himself away to fix his own clothing back. Evie poked her head out. “Coast is clear.”

  Without thinking, she laced her hand in his. Hurried him out to the bathroom to pee and wash up. Saw her patchy, red cheeks in the mirror and huffed. Patted cold water on them. Billy finished at the sink and lit a quick cigarette by the window. That chipper music lingered outside.

  “Your mom is going to be here awhile. I vote your place.”

  “Movie on the couch.” She flicked hair aside. Billy flashed a smile, nodding as he snuffed the smoke out.

  “To start, maybe.” Two fingers grasped her chin, angled Evie’s mouth for a slow kiss. Tasted sweet, obscene, and smoky all at once. Made her dizzy.

  “I’d come back here under certain conditions.” He passed to go out with Evie behind him. She found her purse and coat again.

   “Let’s go, you had your fun.” She chuckled as they rejoined the event outside. Wind and all.

  “Uh, I think you did too.” Billy’s arm hung around her shoulder. Easy with their height difference.

  “You two leaving?” Mona had called, edging from her conversation to cross once the teens were outside. Evie pressed her legs together. Smiled. The Pastor who’d been speaking to her mother followed too. Plastic grin upon his face.

  “Ah, yeah, I’ll see you later, mom.” Evie had replied.

  “Thanks for coming to help.” Mona beamed. “Pastor Ray, you know Billy. Our neighbor. He was kind enough to help out.”

  “Mr. Hargrove. I’m surprised to see you here.” They shook tense hands.

  “Only thing I like more than Jesus is Christ. Who doesn’t want to turn water into wine.” Billy’s sarcasm was almost charming. He got a flat look in return.

  “I see...”

  “Evie, can you take some of the food home, honey? We’ll feed the neighbors.” Mona grasped Evie’s arm to pull her forth. “Just put it in the fridge. I’ll organize later.”

  “Sure.” Evie started to follow.

  “Be sure to grab the cherry pie if there’s any left. The ladies outdid themselves this year. Billy, you’re free to take some food home, son.” The Pastor addressed him kindly again. Billy’s grin flashed shiny teeth.

  “I love a good cherry pie, but I filled up on angel cake.”

  He caught Evie’s head whipping toward him as she went. Eyes ablaze which made his smile bigger.

  “Oh?” Ray’s head cocked. “I didn’t see that over there. Must have went fast.”

  “Like you wouldn’t believe, sir.” Billy patted the man’s shoulder and sauntered by. “Nice church, by the way. Pointy.” Evie hurried to his car with her arms full of Tupperware and boxes. Settled them in the backseat.

  “You’re so dead.” She looked sweet, waving at her mother across the lot. Billy laughed, starting his car. “I pick the music.” Her hand swatted his and a groan followed as she tuned the radio to some Etta James. Billy revved out of the parking lot, turning some heads as he went.

  “Admit it, you wouldn’t change what you did today. Sinner.” Billy’s free hand found her leg out of his usual habit. “Made my first church going experience special.”

  “Don’t turn on the waterworks just yet.” She teased back, sucking her cheeks in without looking at him. “Still mad at you.” A smile pulled her forcibly grumpy expression. Billy came to a stoplight. Tugged at a curl to let it bounce so she peered at him. Nose crinkling when she broke to chuckle.

  “Admit it.” Billy gave her thigh a squeeze, vibrant eyes flickering.

  “Make me.” Evie said, facing the road. “Later.” Lips lifted before the light turned green. His Camaro lurched forward.

  “Happy to.” Billy caught the song change. “Hey.”

  “Hm?”

  “It’s that song you’re always singing to yourself.” Billy turned it up. Irma Thomas. “The mushy one.” Her favorite. He played like it was a careless thing, but Evie stared at him. Warming. Reeled in too easily.

   Anyone…

   Anyone…

  “Shocked you paid attention to that.” She offered after a beat.

  “I have to hear it every day I see you, Evie.” Billy snorted, ocean eyes intent on the road. Evie knew better. “Not like I have a choice. Singing and plucking that guitar constantly.” He peered at the trees. “That stuff you were rambling about during the sex high about after.”

   “Sex high.” She scoffed.

   “Was that the fucking making a mess of you?” Billy asked slower. “Used to hate me.”

   “I didn’t hate you,” Evie paused when he shot her an unconvinced look, “we weren’t agreeable.”

   “Agreeable? Okay, now you sound like that prissy Austen chick you like to read.” Billy’s retort made her giggle. These little details he picked up about her that stuck with him. It was true, their relationship used to be in the negative for good reason.

   “I like when we hang out.” Evie shrugged. “Labels. Whatever. I just meant, we should...keep hanging out.”

   “After?”

   “After.” Evie produced simply. Billy twitched amusement at her, turned a corner.

   “Well,” he parked, “I don’t know, good. I guess”

   “Fine.”

   “Great.” Billy cut back in, challenged.

   “Wonderful.”

   “Fan-fucking-tastic.”

   Evie grasped his jacket, shut him up with a kiss. Made the boy breathless there. Billy’s blue eyes glimmered at her. Calm seas for miles. The sun shined into his car. Made the teens glow.

   “Movie?” She unbuckled to get out with him following. “Gotta get this food into my fridge.”

   “Only if I pick.” Billy stood there and let her set boxes into his arms before she grabbed the rest so they could walk up the driveway.

   “Sure. Our tastes align.” Evie peeked back at him with doe brown eyes. “I trust you.” She’d offered that too casually, Billy stilled at the door to watch her unlock it. Blinked.

   That was the thing about them, how nonchalant their hearts beat together. A totally on purpose accident. Billy remembering Evie’s quirks and her reluctance to show certain petals sprouting from her stem for fear the world might not like the colors. Budding to flash them with some fire and vibrancy because she had a boy who encouraged them despite it all. And she teased this incandescent quality back out of him with ease. Made him work to be still and feel the world turn once in a blue moon. Billy gave this little smile to himself without her noticing and followed Evie into the house.

   They hadn’t trusted each other before. And now it was approaching the after. Whatever that meant. Evie glowed to beam at him there and few things were mattering today. New beginnings.

   Billy let himself hope that the after would last.

[bananiell]

rapper hc part 1

hi guys!!! so i’ve had this idea in my head forever and just didn’t have anyone to share it with but i told hedy about it yesterday and she scammed me into creating tumblr acc and sharing it here lol but when i went to write it down i  realized that i have a lot more to share so it’s gonna be just the 1st part for now, which was the only thing i had in my mind originally but now i’m working on expanding it.

i have a lot of ideas from the songs and this is no exception. this time the inspiration was NF - an amazing rapper and song writer. his songs uncover so much trauma and the things he raps and sings about are so real for a lot of us that you can’t help relating to them. NF’s real name is Nathan which also played part in this idea. lyrics of the songs are what the hc is based on so please listen to the songs i mention and pay attention to the lyrics.

ok i don’t wanna waste more of your time bc the hc is big as it is so without further ado let’s dive into it. p.s. it’s the first time i do a thing like that so im sorry in advance for any inconsistencies or the general drama:)))

TW!! (everything is just mentioned, nothing too graphic) physical abuse, verbal/emotional abuse, alcohol, drinking, drug addiction, overdose, death from overdose, kidnapping, torture (beating, skin burning, cuts – all of it not descriptive), violence, breaking one’s own bones, putting bastards to prison. also NF’s lyrics got a lot of triggers and cover very serious issues so if you decide to listen to some more of his music be careful with that. some of the things mentioned in the songs i’ve used here: depression, grave digging, guns, blood (in a non-violent way).

neil’s story: he grew up in an abusive family. his father was drinking a lot and abused him physically and verbally saying that he was nothing and nobody and would not amount to anything in his life. he despised neil’s love for music and laughed at him. he also hit him more when he noticed anything related to neil’s passion (neil humming some melody or listening to music in his headphones or trying to create smth). his mother tried to protect him but she couldn’t do much bc of her drug addiction. she overdosed during his last year in hs and surprisingly left him some money. when Nathan found out about that he was enraged and beat the shit out of neil so he would give him that money. to run away from his father neil goes to university to study his passion – music. he’s always had some kind of knack for creating music and rapping and now he could explore it more and not be afraid of nathan. he tries to overcome his trauma and even makes some friends (the foxes).

during the freshman year andrew and neil spend a lot of time together. they find the reflections of their hurt in each other and they find understanding. they share some of their past and their traumas; their view of the world and their dreams. andrew feels like he is falling because he’s never met anyone like neil. slowly there are soft touches and furtive glances but neither is ready yet to cross that line.

neil seemingly gets better even though there are a lot of hard moments on the way. however at the end of his freshman year nathan finds him and he and his cronies kidnap and beat neil up for Mary’s money keeping him in the basement for several days. this money is all neil’s got to survive and build his life so he doesn’t say anything and thinks of the ways to run. im not good with making up torture techniques and nathan is not so imaginative here but they still leave neil with scars on his face, his torso and hands (mostly burns from cigarettes, iron, cuts from glass bottles). by the end of the third day neil is physically and morally exhausted so he gives up and transfers all the money to them (he’s got a little of it left on his other acc) and they drunk on their win leave him in the basement. he breaks his fingers to get out of the handcuffs and gets out through the small basement window and runs outside. not long after that he collapses from all the exhaustion and blood loss and someone notices him. they call the cops and the ambulance. after that nathan and his cronies are put into prison and neil is left with almost no money. he leaves the state and a year later with a lot of effort, practicing and self-advertising he successfully signs with a music label under the name N/A.

andrew’s story: tilda didn’t give him up but was a shitty mother (obv) with drug addiction. andrew and aaron’s parents were divorced and their father didn’t live with them but tried to be there when he could. andrew started creating music as an outlet bc tilda’s boyfriends were physically abusing him and he tried to protect aaron from that. he and aaron were close bc they only had each other but andrew still didn’t share his trauma with aaron trying to protect him from that hell. of course he was only a child and couldn’t always take aaron’s place in beating but most of it lay on him. while at hs they became a band with the help of nicky and performed with their songs were they could and tried to self-advertise and wymack (he’s the head of the music dep at uni and also one of the profs) noticed them and offered them partial scholarships. they had some money left after tilda’s overdose (they lived for some time with their father after her death) so they went to get actual education on music production (at this point I don’t care how plausible it sounds, just don’t think too much about it ok lol)

the story:

ok so nathaniel once went to uni with the foxes (is there such a major as music production and singing or smth?) but at the end of his freshman year he disappeared. he was not very sociable so no one really cared where’d he go except for the foxes with whom he became somewhat friends. 1-2 years later he pops up as a new young and very talented rapper named N/A and he’s got burn scars all over his face and hands which he doesn’t hide so very intriguing right??? nobody knows much about him and that his name stands for Neil Abram so they take it literally as ‘no data available’ or smth (hedy also proposed “not applicable”!). foxes are like WTF we know that guy!! and wymack is also like isn’t that nathaniel??

Andrew’s become a huge fan of neil’s music. only renee knows that andrew’s been listening to neil’s songs non stop bc he can relate so hard to them and they just hit him right where it hurts. at the end of their last year they have like a huge final concert or smth and wymack organizes it to be held in one of the palmetto clubs. at the same time neil is coming back to Palmetto bc he is nostalgic of the time he spent in the uni with the foxes and he wants to escape his real life for a moment. he wants to visit the city and reminisce and he believes that none of the foxes really remembers him bc he was a nobody. I know the plot is getting ridiculous but bear with me

so it’s the evening of the gig and the students perform their music (songs, instrumentals, as solos/duets/bands etc). andrew majorly produces rap songs at this point and he performs in duet with renee with their song (NF’s “Can you hold me”). everyone is like shit it was so good but then andrew performs his solo song (NF’s “How could you leave us”). aaron is standing there and is a fucking mess bc he never knew andrew was that affected by their past and their mother’s death bc he never showed it and didn’t ever want to talk about his issues. (be warned this is a heart-wrenching song and it fits fucking perfectly). after that andrew almost runs outside for a smoke, trying to light a cigarette with his shaking fingers and thats when he sees a strange all covered up figure in a black hoodie entering the club but also cautiously looking over their shoulder like they don’t want to be caught. andrew ever the protective one follows him but loses in the crowd of the low lit club. 10 mins later there is quiet and the figure goes on stage – obv its neil. “Intro III” starts playing.

andrew is in awe and he’s never heard this song before so it must be new. he also never saw neil perform live so he cant really move bc the performance is so powerful and magnetic. *neils sitting on one of the disconnected amplifiers in the dark and the music starts building up. At 2:00 of the song after the words “I mean, what are you, outta your mind? 'Cause both of us will be, come on, let's go outside!” he pulls off his hood, his movements are fierce and aggressive and he’s almost screaming in the mic. at words “You had me scared for a second, I thought we were diggin' my grave” theres his fathers smile, vicious, crazy and cruel – thats how he remembered it spending 3 days in that basement. (fyi in the song NF’s talking to his fear and they go back and forth).* 

andrew is mesmerized, the foxes are in shock, the whole crowd does not understand who that is but they watch with open mouths. the song ends and the crowd goes wild. that’s when neil starts talking.

“hello palmetto. this is a great concert you got and some of you guys are fucking talented. my name is neil and I used to go to PSU a long time ago so you prolly don’t know me but professor wymack out there let me come here on this stage and sing a couple of my songs for you. one of them is my old song, and another is new but they both tell my story and I hope you like’em”. 

people cheer and applaud and after a moment another song starts playing. its the one andrew knows (it’s Paralyzed). the atmosphere gets way calmer but everyone is just as hypnotized. during the chorus neil is standing under the dim lights, head turned up facing the ceiling, eyes closed, his scars are illuminated. he looks almost peaceful but there’s pain and apathy showing on his face and in his posture. the song ends and neil leaves the stage. andrew cant make his legs move but he has to meet neil (he just realized that neil’s shared his name with them and it wasn’t “nathaniel” and andrew’s got so many questions).

he forces himself to move and almost runs backstage. neil is already leaving but andrew stops him by grabbing him by his arm. they stand there looking at each other, andrew panting, his body shaking a little, neil wide-eyed.

“Andrew…” he whispers obviously surprised by seeing Andrew here.

“Nath- Neil.” suddenly Andrew cant ask a single question. he’s got so many that it feels like a waste of time to ask them one by one. Neil looks down at where Andrew is still grabbing his arm and Andrew lets go off him like its burnt him. “You are here” he lets out on the exhale like he still can’t believe it.

Neil averts his eyes and puts the hood of his sweater on his head so that the shadows obscure half of his face. “Yeah” he replies and after a few seconds follows with hesitant “How are you?” It is a stupid question, Andrew thinks but he answers nonetheless with simple fine. Neil holds his head low, and Andrew can’t help but wonder if Neil doesn’t wanna look him in the eyes after his disappearance so many years ago or if he simply doesn’t want to see Andrew’s face. Both options hurt him but he doesn’t have the heart to ask.

the end of part 1. come yell at me on twt or here hihi

[c-o-r-r-u-p-t]

Yesterday was an incredible day

A very nyc day

I found a garden 12 minutes away from my place that’s gorgeous and relatively empty and made me feel like I was back in the woods. Even had views of the cliffs over the river. Fountains and trees everywhere. So beautiful. While I was there I got the call from the Bronx zoo, officially accepting me into the position(:

After that I took the train downtown to pier 17 for an iron & wine and Andrew bird concert. The venue was gorgeous, sitting on the water right next to the Brooklyn bridge. It was on the rooftop so we got the beautiful city views and even had the Statue of Liberty in sight all at once. The concert was emotional and hilarious and amazing. I left after I heard Pulaski and found this multi colored glass hut thing and baked it out with two strangers then head to the Brooklyn bridge. I sat on the edge and put my feet up like I always do and just stared at the skyline and tried to reflect. It had just rained so I was immediately soaked but I didn’t mind. Had to decompress after hearing that song live. I thought about you and wrote a little on here. Smoked a joint, got a lot of disapproving looks from strangers worried I would fall, then was asked by cops to get off. But I stayed for a good half hour. It felt really nice. Walking the Brooklyn bridge always makes me feel like a tourist in my city but reminds me how special it is.

I left around 11 and had time to kill before meeting up w Terry so I looked for a restaurant I could sit in and be safe bc walking around Chinatown alone at night was terrifying. Found a Greek place which I thought was ironic and ate my pita and dipping sauces while I eavesdropped on the couple next to me trying to save their marriage. Left a 20 on the table and took the train to the club when I realized Terry was gonna be 2 hours late and it was only getting more dangerous for me. So at midnight I was on the j heading into Brooklyn by myself lol. Got to the club and saw all the crazy outfits and knew it was gonna be a good party just at that and I was right. Terry said this party was legendary but hadn’t happened since Covid so it should be good and it was. Two drag performances as soon as I got there. And they were… different. The first queen just came out in a corset, panties, and huge earrings. Performed a song or two and danced in the meantime which was great but by then end homegirl was straight up just scatting like Kanye and yelling noises into the mic. Was definitely entertaining. The second was a queen performing as a pig in drag. I think I’ll leave that open to the imagination tho lol have fun

Terry showed up after the show and we did some molly and danced and had a great time even though it seemed like everyone else there was a couple so there were no hot girls to hit on. Plenty of hot girls just all in relationships so mean

Anyway we got home around 5 and passed out the end!

[pixlladi]

there are so many things going through my mind. things that could cripple me if i don’t let them out. things that could throw me into a heap of depression and things that could cause me to relapse. things that i’m going to be telling you. first thing that’s been stressing me out that isn’t super huge of a deal compared to the rest is that for a week and a half in November i’m going to be running the store i work at because the manager will be in another country. i’m super anxious because i literally have no clue what the fuck i am doing. second thing on my list is pretty personal and not many people that know me know this. also it’s kind of triggering and i’m not joking or saying that as a meme i mean it literally. my stepdad got full custody of my stepsister yesterday and while that may seem great, it also means that i may not get to see her soon. my mom is kicking him out before the end of the year. now i know you’re wondering, “why is she kicking him out when you guys have worked so hard to get your sister to live with you?” well my stepdad is an asshole. he has beat my mom on many occasions. leaving her with bruises that look gnarly as fuck and not in a good way. i went camping for a weekend with my dads side of the family and when i came back? she had a big softball sized bruise on her thigh and she had two more on her arms. i only noticed the thigh one because we went out on the lake and her swimsuit didn’t cover it. when i asked her where she got it she said “oh i don’t know” and she quickly changed the subject. now seeing as how she never really told me he beat her, how did i know? well around the fourth of july we went to a party where all the adults got blitzed because yknow when you have kids that can drive, automatic DD. well when my stepdad was ready to go he told my mom that we were leaving. she wasn’t ready to go and instead of him just leaving on his own he decided that they were going to have a full blown screaming match at this friend of theirs house while the party was still going. not only did he do this but he also yelled at anyone who tried to intervene including his bestfriend’s and his friend that’s my age that he basically treats as his own son. it got so bad that my mom just started walking home so i got in her vehicle with my sister and younger brother and took off after her, picked her up and we just went home. she cried the whole way while holding my hand. this wasn’t the only time this has happened over the summer either. a few days later there was another party but this time it was for a friend of ours’ birthday. when people started leaving he started getting angry for no reason. now the main thing he likes to yell at my mom for is that she smokes weed. (my opinion is that people can smoke it as long as they do it in a safe environment and don’t drive while high bc impaired judgement leads to car accidents and don’t even argue with me on this one because i lost multiple friends due to them being in a car where the driver was high) and so while he’s allowed to drink himself to oblivion and smoke so much that he has to do breathing treatments, she isn’t allowed to smoke weed once or twice a day. she doesn’t do it for fun she does it because he causes her so much anxiety and stress that if she didn’t, i know she would have killed him by now and when i say that, i’m not kidding. one time i witnessed him hit her right in front of me. they were arguing and my younger brother who is 10 was sleeping on the couch but when they got loud he woke up and started crying. (he doesn’t like when they fight for obvious reasons) and so my mom was bent over, trying to calm him down when my stepdad told her to “get away from his son” and when she told him to leave her the fuck alone he smacked her across the face. let me repeat that for you: SHE WAS CONSOLING HER CRYING CHILD AND HE SMACKED HER ACROSS THE FACE IN FRONT OF ALL THREE OF US. MY SISTER (his daughter who is 16) MY BROTHER (my half brother that is 10 YEARS OLD) AND ME (her eldest daughter that’s 19) and then when i realized what he did i go “did you just hit her?!” and he goes “yes” and i go “do you want me to hit you? because i will” and he goes on a rant about how if i “don’t want to see this then i need to move out” do you understand how hard it is to not beat the living shit out of someone who you know hits your mother and has the audacity to tell you that if you don’t like it to leave? i saw red and i started shaking and my sister had to drag me out of the room because i was ready to go to jail for murder that night. i had to lock myself in my room and punch things to keep myself from killing him. my mom ended up locking herself in a room so he couldn’t get to her and my sister took my brother to my room so that he couldn’t take them and leave while drunk. not even a month ago it got to the point that my mom told him that she had no love for him left and that he killed any emotion she had for him except hatred. she even told him to leave and my sister convinced him to leave (she had gotten her permit two days prior and drove for the first time legally to take her dad to a friends house) a few days later my mom took him to a public place and told him “the day you get permanent custody of your daughter is the day i can kick you out” yesterday was the day of court and today he’s still here. my sister went with them for the court because she had to for the custody battle and afterwards she went with him to work and while they were working, he told her that she needed to stop hanging out with me. i wasn’t allowed to pick her up from school, i wasn’t allowed to take her to the store to get fucking tampons. not only am i livid that he told her that, but she agreed to it and is 100% on his side. she says it’s not just because he is her father but the friend that’s like a son that i mentioned earlier? he evidently has been telling her “all that’s been going on since she was gone” bull shit. he isn’t living here how the fuck would he know anything but my stepdads side of the story? he doesn’t see what i see or hear what i hear. and she hasn’t been here with him almost every day for 10 years. she hasn’t heard all of the names he has called my mother. she saw him hit her. and she doesn’t think my mom has any reason to kick him out. SHE TOLD ME SHE WILL LEAVE WITH HIM IF HE GETS KICKED OUT. i’m not mad at her. i feel completely and utterly abandoned by the one person i feel as though i can confide in. the one person i’ve told every thing that i’ve ever experienced or done to. she knows the little details about me that i have never shared with anyone. for fucks sake she’s the only person that’s ever seen me completely naked (other than my parents bc obviously they saw me naked when i was a baby and shit) she is my rock. my diary. my other half. she is my ride or die. my partner in crime. she is my sister blood or not. marriage or not. and she’s willing to just drop me like that. she’s willing to leave me and never see me again. because that’s what’s going to happen if she leaves with him. he’s not going to want her to even think of me again and she’s going to listen to him because he is her father. but what about me?

[alien-origins]

azalea, begonia, bleeding heart, buttercup, carnation, chrysanthemum, daffodil, dahlia, dandelion, geranium, hydrngea, iris, lavender, lily, marigold, moonflower, morning glory, orchid, pansy, peony, periwinkle, petunia, poinsettia, poppy, primrose, rose, snapdragon, sunflower, tulip, violet, zinnia (some are probably spelt wrong oops) 💗 Have fun answering 💗💗

aaaah this is a lot!! i already answered one i think but i’ll answer with something else instead ! 💗💗💗 thank you for asking though 💗💗 

since this got pretty long i’ll put it under a read more!

azalea : what’s one word that describes you ?

bunny 

begonia : are you a messy or clean person ?

i am messy but i can’t function in messes and i love cleaning. i guess i just can’t do it at home bc it stresses me out a lot.

bleeding heart : has your heart ever been broken ?

not really? maybe by friends but not by a lover or so. i’ve had a few shitty people breaking my trust

buttercup : what are five things that make you apologetically happy ?

carnation : what are your five most played songs ?

she’s dreaming by exo, get out of my house by hyuna, time boils the rain by kris wu, love in colour by taeyeon (which always makes me think of @chogiwapark) and it was love by zico ft. luna

chrysanthemum : what are you afraid of ?

pretty much everything tbh, a lot of things scare me, casually sudden or loud noises scare me.

daffodil : what’s your astrological sign ?

aquarius and i’m pretty stereotypically an aqua so if you ever want to know abt me read abt them !! however i don’t do drugs :/// stop tumblr from stereotypically assume all aquas smoke weed.

dahlia : what’s your favorite band ?

ummmmmmm obviously bts ???? in case no one gets it i’m sarcastic i think we all know i would die for exo

dandelion : are you an extrovert or an introvert ?

neither, i’m a mix of both i guess. i like being around people and getting to know new people but i’m emotionally dead (typical aqua!) so i just don’t really know. 

geranium : how has your day been ?

it’s been okay! mostly sleeping and eating, catching up from the weekend of pride. i also got the notice i won’t be doing military service so that was good! i haven’t done much though, watching a lot of youtube.

hydrangea : what’s your dream job ?

being a fashion designer ! or a housewife to a rich man or woman, like i wanna be a pretty house wife that is really sweet and has my dog dressed in cute sweaters during winter. preferably being both!

iris : who’s your celebrity crush ?

kris wu yifan ooooh daddy 

lavender : what’s one of the best gifts you’ve ever received ?

i got a jade bracelet by my bff and it was really great and i just felt so happy receiving something that i wanted a lot and that meant a lot to me

lily : what’s something you’ve achieved that you’re really proud of ?

my small collection of clothes i did last semester, it felt great to create something and put it out on a catwalk. and the praise of my work afterwards was really great and i felt like i was on cloud nine !

marigold : what would you like to do more of, but don’t ?

sports, i would love to go back to doing badminton or jujitsu, i was good at it and i really enjoyed doing those things but i feel kind of…like it’s too late to pick it up again and there are other family stuff that’s in the way

moonflower : who inspires you ?

lee chaerin, kris wu and bea szenfeld. bea i’ve met and worked with for two months (if not more) and she’s a large inspo when it comes to wanting to make it as a designer. chaerin has always been a huge role model for me and i’ve looked up to her since maybe 2010?? and kris, daddy, he just shows that even if you’ve been at the bottom and you want to change something in your life you can. you can break away from something toxic and bad and still come out on top.

morning glory : are you an early bird or a night owl ?

early bird for sure, if i get up after 9am i feel anxious all day bc i loose so many hours of the day.

orchid : what’s the last movie you saw ?

a animated dc movie with batman, don’t remember the name

pansy : do you believe in love at first sight ?

not really, i’m not so sure abt romantic love and i still d on’t reaaaally believe in it so like nah m8. but idk maybe it’ll happen to me and i’ll change my mind!

peony : what does your url mean ?

i’m kai’s mother ( daddy)

periwinkle : what are you thankful for ?

life, i love living even if the world is shit and i’ve been through a lot of hard times and i have realized that i want to see as much as possible and love as much as i can, i just want to be happy ya know

petunia : where were you ten years ago ?

well i was 8 so like i was probably playing with friends, but i was also an 8 year old with anxiety and depression :))

poinsettia : where would you like to be in ten years ?

waking up in a large soft bed with yifan next to me :(((

poppy : what’s your online persona ?

i don’t have one, like, i think i’m way tougher online bc i start crying when i encounter any conflict irl 

primrose : if you could share one message with the world, what would it be ?

stop being assholes i want to see children all over the world being happy and being able to walk out and play without being scared

rose : who’s the last person you spent quality time with ?

my two friends yesterday when we had dinner after the pride parade!

snapdragon : what are your goals ?

to become rich, live by the ocean, sit on yifan’s dick at least once and like be remembered when i’m gone

sunflower : what’s your favorite quote ?

the one where luhan says “is there anything better than living” it still makes me so happy and i feel amazing, i’d tattoo it 

tulip : if you had three wishes, what would you wish for ?

world peace, infinite money and eternal life ! 

violet : what’s one thing most people don’t know about you ?

i’ve done a lot of things for money 

zinnia : do you believe in magic ?

i mean, what’s the fun totally denying there is no magic at all in the world? something has to be magical, for me it’s watching the stars and watching the waves 

[withfeelingoncemore]

hello tumblr no one reads guess what I have a crush again lmao!

yeah I totally told myself I was gonna Have Walls Up or whatever after the whole incident with The Boy, but there’s this friend of mine, let’s call him Rafael bc I’m watching jane the virgin, that recently I’ve started having Feelings for

he’s rly a friend of a friend that I’ve started hanging out with more, only ever in groups but like we went out to dinner, four of us, last week, and then again yesterday, and both times we sat next to each other. the first time I realized I was sort of attracted to him, and then yesterday our elbows touched on the table and I almost fuckin passed out lmao!

the first time he called me “brilliant” and like not to blow smoke up my own ass but people call me smart all the time (when they find out I got into harvard or I accidentally use a Big Word in mixed company), but for some reason the word “brilliant” really got to me, idk why, like “smart” is fine and “genius” is so eye-rolling and sort of distancing and almost patronizing tbh but “brilliant” is just like :’) and then yesterday the four of us were walking to his car and I was talking about how I was trying to have walls up (lmao) but I’m too sensitive and I always just wind up falling in love with people and he said “aw that’s so cute” and I?????

we don’t make any sense together BECAUSE!

1) he used to have a thing for the friend that introduced us and maybe he still does who knows?? she shot him down and I think all that was like a year ago or maybe more but still 2) he’s significantly shorter than me. it shouldn’t matter but I’m 5′10″ and he’s probably like 5′7″/5′8″ which is just...sigh. I’d be down if he made a move but I feel like even if he DID like me (which he probably doesn’t) he probably wouldn’t act on it bc of the height difference 3) we’re both virgos lmao DISASTER

there are pros though, like that he’s in a totally different field from me (I’m a musician/writer, he’s an actor) and he was also born & raised in LA, not very far from where I was, so we’d be able to see each other a lot, and that he seems like a genuinely really good guy--in fact the friend that introduced us is always talking about how she wishes she was attracted to him because he’s so goddamn NICE and GENTLE which for a lot of girls is probably a turn off but for me is a HUGE TURN ON.

anyway I’m not gonna tell anybody about this, mainly because I don’t want him to reject me and I don’t want to make our mutual friend(s) uncomfortable, and also bc it’s just not worth it lmao like I don’t know how I even feel other than that when we make eye contact I feel vaguely lightheaded and he makes me laugh and stuff

[itsjayyyy]

July 2, 2018 11:17 pm

So yesterday I went to work and all that jazz, and as my shift was ending rose sent me a text saying she was going to paul’s birthday dinner and they wouldn’t be back at their place until a little later, and I should wait until they come back to slide over. I responded that since it was sunday night (back to school), I was planning on heading back to my college for the night. But as soon as I sent that message I realized that they were offering to let me stay over again, and there was no way in hell I’d pass up that opportunity. So I quickly added “but if yall are cool with me staying over I’ll wait ya sure.” I still drove out to my college after my shift, though, because I still needed to shower. After I got out of the shower, I rearranged my locker, then rose texted me saying they were gonna get boba, so I linked up with them there. I got chocolate milk tea (reminded me a lot of chocolate milk w a lot of syrup) with chili pepper popping boba (not as spicy as I expected it to be).

While we were there, rose mentioned plane ticket costs and how they were predicted to go down and I was like wait. Yall are still planning on going to this music festival. After we literally had a huge fight over that. About how I gave yall $850 because I thought you needed it and now you won’t even help me get off the streets. Okay.

I just kind of stewed in my anger instead of saying it out loud, though, since paul’s sister was with them and I didn’t want to leave a bad impression on her. When the boba shop closed we migrated outside to have a cigarette and then talk some more. Peter and I sat on the curb and talked about how he was kind of scared he wouldn’t be a good father since he never had one growing up, and then I started to teach him how to ride a motorcycle. Then we stopped by a gas station (where I accidentally spilled gas all over my tank), and then went back to their place to smoke a bowl. Bruh, when I tell you peter has the comfiest bed in the world, I mean it.

The next morning (today), rose told me that apparently in my sleep i reached over her, grabbed peter’s arm, and held it close to me. But I held it in an angle that put his hand right on my titties. I’m a very cuddly person when I’m asleep, in my defense. She also told me that the night before, I swung my leg over her (like a full body hug) and accidentally kicked peter in the balls. I’m so sorry, peter.

So I woke up around 10:30 ish, laid in bed, then rose and I watched another episode of mother. We got to the part where seol ak dies ahhh it’s so sad. I know I’m not supposed to feel bad for him bc he’s an abuser and all but man, with a backstory like that you gotta at least feel a little bad for him. Then I went to therapy, but I got to that side of town about 30 mins early so I stopped at a mcdonald’s for breakfast. And by breakfast I mean a small fries and a medium hazelnut iced coffee. I don’t eat at mcdonald’s that often, but I noticed some things were different: you order on a touch screen, and the workers that bring your food wear very professional outfits, like they work at a hotel or something.

This was the first therapy session that I felt that she was actually giving me some solid advice, instead of just listening to me. But in her defense, most of the times I tell her about my problems, I follow it up with my solutions so she never gets an opportunity to help me. Today she suggested I write a letter to my parents, because it allows me to carefully compile and revise what I say, there’s no chance of them interrupting me, and they can reread it as many times as they need to. She also said that I should ask rose and peter to pay me back, considering that I’m homeless and need money to at least rent a hotel or something. When she first said that (and for the next few hours), I was like fuck yeah give me my money back. But now that I’ve simmered down, I feel bad because rose has two speeding tickets she has to pay for, and she still hasn’t gotten her first paycheck, and her car ran out of gas today. But if she just agreed to not go to lollapalooza, maybe I wouldn’t be so upset.

After therapy I drove out to my college again to chill on the upper floor of the library (my new fav spot). I watched the final episode of mother, and I’m so happy it has a happy ending ahh. It reaffirmed my love of social work. Even though rose said she was going to donate plasma on the east side and then meet up with me, she never messaged me the rest of the day. I’m getting really fed up with that tbfh. I texted her saying “so much for finishing mother today” and she responded about how her car ran out of gas. I just don’t want to think about her and mom talking at home ugh.

After the library closed, I drove right off campus to the gas station to pick up some cup noodles. I also bought a bottle of water since it’s cheaper there, and also a pack of hostess donuts because I deserve them. I remember hearing when I was a very young child something about the average family lives on $2 a day (apparently I misheard, it’s the line of poverty that’s $2 a day), and now I think I want to adopt a similar mentality. I’m not going to go as far as going to $2 a day right now (which would be 2 cups of noodles and nothing more), but I do want to curb my spending on food. Of course, buying prepared meals will always be more expensive than preparing food by hand, but since I don’t have a kitchen that’s a paradoxical luxury I can’t afford. I just want to spend less money on starbucks, mcdonald’s (that breakfast was like $4!!!), etc. and see how much extra I can save. Here’s my plan: buy a box of any cheap super sugary cake (like zebra cakes, twinkies, etc) since they come as a pack of 6 for $1.79 and contain enough calories to be a full meal. That’ll be my mid day snack. That comes out to 30 cents per day. Then I’ll allow, say, a cup of noodles or easy mac or maybe a can of soup from the gas station, which is between $1-2, for dinner. If I currently set a budget of $5 per day, that leaves around $2.70 for breakfast, which could be two donuts at dunkin. 

I also want to start balancing my checkbook, because I feel like that would help me be more aware of my spending. I set it up in the back of my comp sci notebook already; I plan on doing my checking account in black ink, my discover card in red, and my capital one in blue because I feel that if I only do my checking then I’ll just hide all my purchases from my conscience in my credit cards.

I’m really wishing I had taken the 5 packs of chopsticks from my yellow backpack and put them in my blue backpack, because I’m currently trying to eat noodles with a bottle cap as my eating utensil and it is not working out.

I think I might start looking into living on my own if I can’t talk things through with everyone else. I mean, they still want to go to lolla, but literally the month after they plan on moving out and they don’t even have a savings account? And they haven’t even paid for the trip’s expenses? Yikes. I mean, I’m fucking homeless and even my savings account is at least in the triple digits.

We’ll see, though. I just can’t wait until I’m 24 with a stable income, my own house, and a great career in social work.

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

11/3/17

I need to start blogging again, so much happening in my life I need to write down. Halloween, the band loco tranquilo performed and I met all the members basically, and the hot guitarist really digged me and offered to walk me home, but i said no to going home with art bc i wanted to wake up early for class, but this guy was really pushing my boundaries and basically broke down all the walls i put up. and it taught me to strengthen and follow my boundaries, if I want to or dont want to do something, its easy to speak it, but i have to DO IT. I let him push them, although i tried very hard to get my way, he ended up getting his way. But on thursday it was dia de los meurtos and i walked around garfield park by my self and felt very sensitive, i carried carlos guitar pick i made a necklace from and journeyed everywhere with him, then I went to fire ceremony which was very powerful.. I had his pick in my hand and our baby picture and at first i was having an expectation for this experience to be powerful because its supposedly the most delicate day for the dead’s realm to intervene with the living, so i wanted to sit down and spend time with my brother... even tho Craig (the drummer from loco tranquilo ) invited me to this show thing and i got ready for it and everything, but i really wanted this sacred time. and when i was meditating i realized i need to have no expectations and to just meditate and feel . and i did, and it was magical.. i felt like carlo was hugging me.. i felt some weight.. some existence on my chest.. like i was being hugged, and it was in tune with my breathing..  but so magical.. i shedded a tear.. and i had the necklace with his pick wrapped around my left ring finger bc i remember reading that there is a vain where the heart connects there.. and i felt him in my heart.. it was amazing.. and a memory of when we were both getting washed by mama bc we both had lice haha.. such a fun memory ,,but i didnt even realize yesterday was day of the dead until the day was almost over.. but it all made sense.. the night before i was really down missing him and feeling him.. and i was cleaning temple for like 1 hour and vacuumed for like 20-30 minutes bc i was just so into it.. karma yoga has really helped me.. i just thought about him and grieved very powerfully the past few days.. starring at the moon reminded me of him. anyways did kirtan anyways went to piano fight bar after dia de los meurtos anyways it was very young lots of people in there 20s and it was just a huge energetic crowd i didnt really feel like i fit in well possibly bc i dont know anyone but everyone was just so young and full of energy and i usually am around these older ppl but it was this guy kyles  bday and he had a a lot of guys play an acoustic set at the bar and then had a video premiere of his new song and it was beautiful it was so amazing so psychedelic and hippie like and it reminded me of my brother and just everything about it like the music and everything was so carlo and it made me wish curl was still alive bc everyone loved this kyle guy and he literally just reminds me of foxygen and everything this kyle guy is about and music videos and the scene and I'm just made carlo did this bc he has it all a beautiful family and not a problem in life but whatever like whatre u gonna do about it right but when i got back to the ashram thats when the learning experience came.. tarvo was outside and i was interrogating him like what're u doing outside so late and stuff and trying to walk back in and he asked if i still wanted to know what beauty is and he told me and he first asked why do i not think I'm beautiful and i said my hair and face and he said that doesn't matter, beauty is basically whats inside. he said a strong will in what i believe in and who i am is whats most beautiful. he said it comes naturally to me, I've lived with it all my life.. so its easy to ignore it and think of other things to think is not great.. he said just how ahead i am.. he likes me .. he likes our interactions.. I'm very disciplined and choose what i want in life and what i dont want and I'm good at making decisions.. thats what makes me beuaitufl he said.. and just how i am naturally.. like the things i say are so sexy.. like he said are u excited about this silent movie and i said yes I've been wanting to see something exotic lately and he said see there it is thats just so sexy to me and its just how i used the word exotic to describe a film and he said he likes my eyes bc it shows i am .. i forgot the word but its like caring about others and myself.. its a very caring word.. sincere ! and that they are sexy.. and he said a lot of experiencing things.. i said it was like i was talking to god.. he like knew why i had insecurities.. he said I'm so ahead of people my age.. i just got to pass all the heartache and pain that they will experience.. but its just such a little life I'm glad i can.. I am fucking great.. i like realize things and find things inspiring in him.. like this morning he had a book but it was a different book and its like damn this guy fucking reads a lot. like ALOT. thats probably why he has such  great vocabulary and good speaking skills. when i asked how does he have such great speaking skills he said he just feels everything and then verbalizes it.. he feels how everyone is feeling in the room then speaks.. like he said he’ll think of an orange and then sees how he feels having it around his space.. something very inspiring .. i think his purpose in my life is to inspire me , to teach me, to be  friend. bc although there is some attraction between us.. i am learning a lot from him and he is providing trmemdnous growth in my life.. I am fucking kick ass I'm only fucking 19 and he's 39 and he was saying we come from two different worlds but he likes me.. but after done talking i went in the kitchen a bit upset and confused bc its like well where do we stand i mean u said all these nice things to me and mentioned this woman of yours multiple times and its like hmm.. i spent almost two hours on karma yoga and its like well thats it..the lesson isn't in relationships.. its in the growth he is giving me.. his inspiration.. his insight.. all of it.. inspires and uplifts me.. same with jesse.. it is so hard for him to be in  my space bc i am so attracted to him.. but underneath it all.. i learn a lot from him. his vocabulary.. i want to understand him more too.. these men.. that i cant have.. they all teach me something... i guess thats why i am so attracted to them.. another thing tarvo pointed out is that wisdom never leaves.. and it is best to get it as early as i can and keep it.. and then i asked well what is wisdom and he pointed out there it goes again .. thats why he likes me .. and our interactions.. it was like a movie. two different people from two different worlds.. but our energies just click.. and our conversations are unique.. and i learn a lot.. he's out there smoking his cigarette and saying all these crazy things that only inspire me.. theres a lot more.. but in the end i am just inspired to be true to my self and do what i want in life. i want to major in music. i only have one life.. so dont waste it or my time.. who cares if i won't be some crazy performer.. ill teach it at the least.. but dammnit I'm studying something that interests me and everyone else can suck my ass. in fact. i am very intelligent. i dont want to waste time with men.. tarvo said the more i work and respect and love my self,, the better the men in m life will be.. basically the people who come into my life are kind of a reflection of me.. but damn it i do want to work on myself and be this bad ass chick. I AM A BAD ASS CHICK DAMN IT> and its inly getting better. i also thought about how i always think in the future like oh someday ill be a better speaker or oh someday ill make people feel this way about me but dammnit no its NOW. right now that is happening.. today this morning chris says he loves being in my energy.. its so laid back and honest and he said better things but i cant remember.. damn it why cant i remember .. oh I'm doing so much more for myself now.. I'm listening to my body.. I've been vegan for like a week now.. today and yesterday i kind of splurged on over eating bc i got my EBT card.. but I'm recognizing it and fixing it.. i am fucking smart. i am so in tuned and I'm writing down more how i feel about things.. Feel things.. today I've been in bed from like 3am to 6 pm and half of it was sleeping and i spent a few hours just being depressed.. thinking i have an ugly face bc of my acne and nasty hair.. i disliked it all...but i grabbed the guitar and started playing and eventually i played my feelings out.. and thought damn.. ya this is the shit i want to learn.. bc i felt it.. i felt my feelings in the vibrations.. i thought, instead of being in my head with these insecurities,, i will be creative and play music. and i fucking did. i played a shit ton of music and it sounded so fucking good. I'm the fucking best. i am sick.......!>>!!>!! i am so cool.. and when i closed my eyes i really got in tune with the vibration and the noise.. i am using my time wisely now.. i thought a few days ago why waste time with someone who is not in love with me when i can be in love with other things.. and guitar came to mind. instead of spending time with worthless men in my life.. i am learning in guitar. in fact i see myself as this ultimate bad ass who just is so tuned with herself and music that nothing else (problems) MATTER. i can totally see it. I'm getting there. I'm the fucking best man. but ya I'm sick. recognize more of how beautiful i am. last night during karma yoga i thought instead of thinking of what i am not.. think of what i AM awesome yoga bitch in san frnaicso on her own killing the fucking game I'm only 19 whats up I'm super sick

[teardropsandbs]

  Thank you 2011 for being one of the best years of my life. After 14 long years, Tom and I end up loving each other. Who would have thought that he’s going to be my husband? Seriously! LOL! Cliché but true, no one really knows what the future holds. I want to thank you, my dear 2011 for giving me lots of memories. You started so well by finally giving me a lovelife after how many lonely years haha! And not just that, I had the best of both worlds! I was given an opportunity to work in our Sales department and earn more hehe. My lil sister and I were able to travel to a foreign land together - HK. I was given a chance to visit my hometown, Manila. I was so happy to see my family and friends once again. Home will always be home.

When I came back here in Canada, I had a fun Ontario experience with friends. We went to Harris Hill in Lake of the Woods. Although, my fall and winter had been pretty much all about focusing on my benchmarks and targets, I learned to save up! Haha! I used to save to travel and/or buy stuff that I want but this year, I managed to be future-wise and know my priorities. Mainly because I got engaged! I became more matured because I finally realized what I really want in life. I want to be a wife. I want to be a mom. I want to grow old beside the man I love. Everything that I am doing right now is for my future, for my family and for the future family that Tom and I will have. This year, I surpassed the quarter-year. I have never been this driven, never been this happy and I think, now, I can say that I am growing up haha! Thank you God for all the blessings especially for my sister’s second life. That accident was a miracle! With You, Lord in our lives, we can overcome anything. I am looking forward for another awesome year. I can’t wait to be Mrs. Jun Carlos Custodio!

Thank you for my family and friends all over the world who made this year a memorable one! I need to get up now and dress up to welcome the new year. And oh, Happy 75th Birthday to my lolo back in Manila. We need to be home before the party starts to Skype and celebrate with them. Haha! So bye 2011! I know 2012 will be better but I will forever cherish you.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

    XO,

A

    2012-01-01 02:47:53 2012-01-01 07:47:53 open Publish post 757991223 Homecoming xaxcxexlx Sun, 05 Jun 2011 15:02:01 -04:00

I'm actually up in the air somewhere in the Pacific on my way to Vancouver. We left Tokyo 4 hours ago so that means I'll be stuck on this aisle seat for another 5 hours. Beside me is an old Filipino man. He's very charming (not that I have a thing for old men), he's like my lolo, a funny gentleman. He was amazed that I speak fluent Tagalog and use po at opo because he thought I was born in Canada. I just finished watching all the travel documentary flicks on my seat TV. The last one was an episode of Billy Conolly's jaunt all over Canada, from East to West coast (made me wanna do that!). He spent 10 weeks travelling from St. John's to BC, exploring some of Canada's most remote locations. The film made me appreciate my second home. I've always hated moving to Winnipeg. Not only because it's boring compare to Manila but mainly because of my family and friends back in my homeland. I didn't cry when I left Manila earlier, maybe because I didn’t look at Tom. I don’t wanna look back at him. I don’t want to see him crying. I didn’t want to face the fact that I’m leaving the man that I wanna spend the rest of my life with. I was in denial that Manila is not my home anymore. I was born and raised as a Manila Girl. I party a lot! And I mean a lot! But Manila is not just about partying or drinking. You’ll only understand the difference between fun and happiness if you try to experience Manila life.

                I spent 4 days in HK and 3 weeks in P.I. minus the 3 days that I got flu and just stayed in my bed while Tom took care of me. We were together all the time. Wherever I go, he goes. We haven’t fought yet, like a real bf-gf fight, and I hope not. I didn’t get the chance to visit my bestfriend, Karen and her baby Kyzer, my RGLC family and my boyfriend’s closest friends since we were in HS. 3 weeks was not even close to enough. I wish I could stay longer. Most of the stuff that I bought was just pasalubong, failed to buy those things I need for myself. But I had the greatest time of my life. Nothing beats visiting your hometown. And of course, spending time with Tomtom is the best part! I could not ask for more. After 14 long years of knowing each other, we never imagined ending up loving each other this much. Sadly, I had to leave and he has to fly back to Singapore as well. We have to be apart for a while first to be together forever.

                I never planned my future with any guy before. I didn’t even want to get married. I’ve experienced all boys’ lies you could ever imagine first hand and got hurt as fck! But I never get tired of loving again.  And when this guy came into my life, everything has changed. He made all the tears, heartaches and waiting all worth it. He was God’s final gift and He wrapped him with a bow. Haha! I am truly blessed, so thankful and much loved. I’ve never been in love like this before, never ever loved someone this much before and never been loved by someone this much before. I want to marry him.

                He changed my perspectives in life. He made me want to have kids, eat veggies, learn how to cook, love what I hate and most importantly, trust a guy and love without fear. He’s just amaaazing! He makes me laugh, cry, smile, frown, smug, sing, dance, dream, blush, he just knows how to make me the happiest person ever! And that makes me love him more.

                One year. We have a year to prepare for our future together. He’ll come here, and that’s huge for me! Nothing’s harder than leaving your family and friends back home. I should know! But Canada is my home now and it’s the only place and the only way for us to be together. In a few hours, I’ll be home. I have a day off before going back to work. A day to overcome jetlag, pay my $$$ Rogers bill, learn changes in my department and a Skype date. But whatever! I know I can get by. I don’t see these as problems. That vacation (especially Tom) gave me a brighter outlook ahead. No bad vibes! Cheers to happiness and to the future… at my home, Canada eh!

    2011-06-05 12:17:53 2011-06-05 16:17:53 open Publish post 749357437 Lilo xaxcxexlx Sun, 05 Jun 2011 12:26:10 -04:00

I may be mean ignoring you, but could u blame me? You hurt me too many times. I treated you more than a best friend, loved u more than my own sister and cared for you like a mother. The happiest memories of my life were memories with you. My greatest, craziest and dumbest photos were with you. Yes, I miss you. But no matter how hard I try, I just can't trust you.

  2011-02-20 01:53:40 2011-02-20 06:53:40 open Publish post 741726049 Lookbook.nu xaxcxexlx Tue, 21 Dec 2010 00:22:31 -05:00 Acel Libante on LOOKBOOK.nu 2010-12-21 00:21:51 2010-12-21 05:21:51 open Publish post 737620705 I Can't Stop LOL xaxcxexlx Sat, 10 Jul 2010 23:24:10 -04:00

2010-07-10 23:17:40 2010-07-11 03:17:40 open Publish post 729939647 Fast Lane xaxcxexlx Sat, 10 Jul 2010 23:31:16 -04:00

Hello everyone! I don't have much updates (again ;p). Just 'cause my sister's 18th is finally over (pics on my FB, click Facebook up there) and now I'm getting my "me-time" back. It feels like it was just yesterday when we were planning her party and now it's all over. Stressed and drained, I am. It feels fulfilling though. My sister was so happy on her night and so as her guests. She's going to Bora this week and have a week left to spend in Manila to shop (for my stuff too)! Anyway, I'm home alone. It's soooooooo hot outside! +26 on spring????!!!! Can u believe it?! Sun will set by pass 21:00 and Imma go out to jog or maybe eat dinner. It's gonna be this sunny for the whole week so it means I'm gonna wear sandals everyday! Yey! I have to shower now and enjoy the rest of the night!

2010-05-16 19:58:33 2010-05-16 23:58:33 open Publish post 727250670 xaxcxexlx Sat, 10 Jul 2010 23:31:47 -04:00

 Ok. Before I start this blog, SHUT UP PONG! Read it first. LMAO! Anyway, I woke up this morning realizing how much will I miss on my sister's 18th birthday. We've been together forever. Every single birthday she had, all the birthday parties I threw and she was actually the one who blew the candles on my 18th birthday cake. I feel so sad that I won't be able to share this moment with her. Not even dad or mom, but she understands how it is. She knows we want nothing but the best for her. We're giving her everything she deserves. She's the only reason why we're working hard here. We may miss her night but I will surely throw a party once she gets back from Manila. The feeling just got me nostalgic. The party's theme suits her best. If you know her since she was a kid, you know what I'm talking about. Look at her pic up there :)) She was very witty and "bibang-biba"! As she grew up, she became better and better. She doesn't drink/smoke. She barely go to clubs. She knows her responsibilities. She's a walking-periodic-table-of-elements. She knows what she wants and she knows how to get it. She can sing and surely is good in dancing. She says what she wants to say. She's way more than just a Facebook photo-whore. She CAN'T be friends with everyone,  she will befriend you if she feels like to, but if not, she just doesn't like you at all. haha! If u love her, she'll love you more. Hate her? Hell she cares! :)) I experienced everything first hand! LOL! Sure we fought now and then but our personalities are like the Yin and the Yang. There were times that we're on opposite poles but I think for sisters, it comes naturally that you both find your equator.  She is my ultimate enemy and my best-est friend at the same time. She's my greatest critic, my hilarious entertainer, my worst listener, my pentium1-diary, my partner-in-shopping but not in crime and lies, my clothes-sneaker, my pms-ing helper, my messy roommate, my reading-bugger, my party-killer, my science-translator, my stuff-breaker, my finicky shoe-mate,  my meanest boy-meter, my financial-abuser, my weirdest chef, my favorite bugger, my loveliest Barbie, my drive to success, my first favor to God, my priceless treasure, my one and only sister...Reizel.

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY PONGALIT!!!

  2010-05-06 04:54:28 2010-05-06 08:54:28 open Publish post 726653699 xaxcxexlx Sat, 10 Jul 2010 23:32:21 -04:00

 I haven't checked my MySpace for ages until today and I received the most retard message I have ever read!

"hello angle how are you to day hope fine i was on ur profile ealre today i found it so intresting. i felt like making u my closed friend. i am so intresting of u so i deside to writte this maill to u i dont know if u will be kind enough to acepte me. u know u girls are some how defficut. i will be gratefull if u acept and maill me back with this maill ikdon@***.com. so to tell u more about me and give u my pic hopeing to ear frome u soonest thanks"

Wala lang  I just find it hilarious! Plus I need to entertain myself while finishing the details on my sister's 18th. It's gonna be huge! I hope she'll be happy even if Mom, Dad and I can't be there. Anyways... I don't have much updates for you. I've been working so hard lately and on my last meeting with my TS, he informed me that I'm currently ranking #1 for the entire department  Isn't it awesome? I still have lates though, BUT I'm working on that! The city bus schedule sucks! I hate it! And I'll never get used to it! I have to buy a car before winter! I still have several months to save up. And speaking of saving up, I might start saving or rather TRY saving after my birthday. Yes! My birthday's coming up in 2 months. If you're in MNL, it's a long time for you but here, it's over before u even know it! But before that, of course, Reizel's debut party is knocking me out. I'm actually finishing the final plot right now so I could send it to my Tita tomorrow. FYI, it's already 4:54 am CST here. Yesterday, I slept after lunch na and I wasn't able to finish it so now I have to really wrap it up. She's leaving soon and I'm dying out of envy! LOL! Last minute preps drove me gaga (like OMGaga! - that's my fave expression lately! haha!)... but they're all set now.  So yeah, that's it for the meantime. I'm just waiting for Rachel's email for the new collection and send eveything to Tita then I can finally sleep.

 P.S. ---- Since Rachel has been a huge help on my chaos lately, pls visit her collection and SHOP! You'll surely love every piece!

http://poisonberrymanila.multiply.com

  2010-05-02 06:05:48 2010-05-02 10:05:48 open Publish post 726439429 BZ xaxcxexlx Sat, 10 Jul 2010 23:33:41 -04:00

I've been so busy lately... with my sister's homecoming and at work. Barely touch my notebook. I'm uber-attached with my new BB ^_^ ...told u guys that I was planning to get Bold or Storm. So, I ended up getting a white BlackBerry Bold 9000. Touchscreens are getting boring . Posted that photo up there 'cause it looks like downtown Peg. Been such a work-a-holic! OT's and yeah, on my last evaluation, I'm ranking #1 for the whole department  All the hardworks are paying off. I'll be busier until the end of next month, it's my sister's 18th (I think e'rybody knows it na anyway!) and I already have my Med Insurance. I'll get my eyes checked (I left Manila with a 20-20 vision and now FML!), teeth bleached (if necessary, braces or retainers), general medical exam (CBC again of course!) and MASSAGE!!! hehe  For this week naman, I'm off tomorrow, chocolate-shopping with mom for pasalubong... and TRY to cook spaghetti haha! I won't be going out nor date anyone, well, not until June. I have heaps of things to accomplish this coming month...so I need to focus focus focus! That's it for now, it's almost 5am CST here! :)) XO

2010-04-26 05:21:42 2010-04-26 09:21:42 open Publish post 726095266 Home xaxcxexlx Fri, 23 Apr 2010 16:49:49 -04:00   I miss home. My sister's going back in a few weeks and I envy her so much! lol 2010-04-23 16:37:18 2010-04-23 20:37:18 open Publish post 725947367 Good Sunday Morning xaxcxexlx Sun, 02 May 2010 06:42:10 -04:00

  I slept late last night (went out w/ friends) but woke up so early this morning. I dunno why, but it's a good thing though 'cause I have to revise the video and edit some photos for the soireè that I was talking about on my previous post. Imma start in a while but before I go, I wanna share these sites. So u guys can go shopping even if ure just bumming on ur couch. I chose these sites because they're my personal favorite shops online. Some of them were already featured on magazines and/or tv shows. I barely shop online just 'cause Winnipeg got American Apparel, Urban Behavior and Urban Planet which I mostly buy my stuff from and if I have more money, I can go to Swank! And oh, you can also be a real winner in Winners! I only buy clothes/shoes online IF I really love it and the price isn't rip off. So here they are... HAPPY SHOPPING!!!

     2010-04-11 13:48:21 2010-04-11 17:48:21 open Publish post 725171897 ClosetKid.com xaxcxexlx Sun, 02 May 2010 06:45:57 -04:00

Hey guys! This will be my first post for April. Boo! I know! Sorry  I've been way too busy with work, family, friends and organizing a very special soirée. My YMCA membership got voided too 'cause I don't have spare time. They require at least 6 visits or use of the facilities every month to keep your membership but yeah I am that busy! I'm in front of my laptop all the time working on an upcoming "something" but have no time to blog. So quick update lang for now but I promise I'll try to post as much as I can kahit using my phone lang. I'm planning to get a new BB next week. If you have any suggestions on what model, just post it on my Chatterbox right there > > >. I had 2 hours of sleep last night. Sabog much? haha! And I'm still up this late tonight. Well, I just want to post this site. So u guys can pick up some ideas for the summer season (spring here). Few people kept asking me for fashion tips kasi on my Formspring.com/xAxCxExLx ...So, I'll just post some fashion feeds/finds na lang online since I'm not a fashion guru naman no! As Ive said, JUST BE YOURSELF and WEAR WHAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF. Nakakaloka lang kasi ung ibang questions sa Formspring ko. haha! Some of 'em, hindi ko na sinagot 'coz they're just lame and might hurt people pa but most of the questions naman, sinagot ko. Anyways, here's the site na... c/o Laureen Uy

http://www.closetkid.com/

  2010-04-09 02:27:10 2010-04-09 06:27:10 open Publish post 725029355 Sea of Shoes xaxcxexlx Mon, 29 Mar 2010 01:31:40 -04:00

Jane Aldridge's fashion blogsite:

www.seaofshoes.com

click! U won't regret it :)

2010-03-29 01:31:00 2010-03-29 05:31:00 open Publish post 724388866 UB xaxcxexlx Sat, 27 Mar 2010 01:12:57 -04:00

Sana matanggap na ko sa Urban Behavior

  2010-03-27 01:11:45 2010-03-27 05:11:45 open Publish post 724277301 Sunshine xaxcxexlx Fri, 26 Mar 2010 01:10:27 -04:00

 I won't rush this time. But yes, I found The One.

2010-03-26 01:09:47 2010-03-26 05:09:47 open Publish post 724220664 HAARP Technology xaxcxexlx Thu, 25 Mar 2010 02:40:09 -04:00 2010-03-25 02:39:29 2010-03-25 06:39:29 open Publish post 724165685 After reading about the 2010 Haiti earthquake, the 6th deadliest earthquake in recorded history, and the 2010 Chile earthquake, the fifth strongest earthquake since 1900, I started reading a bit more on HAARP. http://templestream.xanga.com/731631025/do-christians-need-a-head-adjustment/ 1 2010-08-18 09:34:00 2010-08-18 13:34:00 templestream bounce@xanga.com http://templestream.xanga.com/ 0 34825592 0 1515783879 Springing Spring xaxcxexlx Sun, 02 May 2010 06:47:22 -04:00

Hey everyone! I'm on a break right now, so might as well blog. Not a work break... but a break from a major room cleaning. I worked 7 days straight this week and now enjoying my 3-days off... cleaning! haha! It's fun! For real! I didn't notice I have this much stuff already since we moved here! So they need to be organized. Plus I'm switching my wardrobe from Fall/Winter to Spring/Summer 2010  'cause today is the first official day of Spring! Bye winter coats, hello summer dresses!

And while I do that, here's what I have on my tube:

2010-03-20 19:05:45 2010-03-20 23:05:45 open Publish post 723905524 xaxcxexlx Sat, 13 Mar 2010 00:42:40 -05:00 Im currently on the tub right now. ;p I dont wanna fall asleep so I thought of blogging. There are so many random things in my head right now. Bills, him, school, work, party, friends, family and my sister's 18th. 2010's first quarter had been pretty expensive for me :D and now I have more splurging to come. The sectional this month then Bravia on April 2nd, iPad will be out on the 3rd but Im thinking of MacAir instead, I need a new laptop! Im not MALUHO ok? I just wanna stop fighting with my dad over his Farmville! LOL! Reizel's 18th is the most pain in the a$$! From the very small details to the huge plans, I have to organize everything. And it's the hardest party I have ever planned! Not to mention the pasalubongs that she has to bring for our family and friends back home. I have to do some budgeting. I might have to use my savings. But it's all good. Whatever makes her happy, Im happier. And of course I would never stop thanking God for all the blessings. Every part of my life at this moment is all in control. That's why I dont want a bf right now. I admit that I'm crazy-in-love with a guy though. But I like it to stay this way, no strings, just inspired. :) Tomorrow, I'm scheduled for a morning shift and have to head straight to Jo's 18th after work (kasama narin paperview for Manny's fight! Haha!). On Thursday, Republic (the busiest club here) turns 1! I won't miss that! If I have to go with my white friends, I will but I really wanna go with my pinoy friends of course. I need to have some fun and learn to balance work and play before school starts. 'Cause for sure I'l be so dead by then. Less than 4 months and I'll be on the quarter of my life. Yay! Im excited to plan my bday! Imma rent a Hummer-Limo! I swear! Haha! Reiz will be legal by that time so we gun party hard when she gets back for my 25th. Imma bring Manila life here! Why mope around missing the limelight back home when u can juz bring it on here!? Life's short. We only live once, make it worth it! 2010-03-13 00:41:59 2010-03-13 05:41:59 open Publish post 723443112 Blair aka juicystar07 xaxcxexlx Thu, 11 Mar 2010 01:01:23 -05:00

Kahit super arte nya, I'm learning a lot from her vlogs

2010-03-11 01:00:43 2010-03-11 06:00:43 open Publish post 723328743 When I Grow Up xaxcxexlx Thu, 08 Apr 2010 02:22:56 -04:00

Sorry guys! I promised to blog yesterday but I didn't.  I slept for like 15 hours! I had to rest after all the chaos of the past weeks. Well, I'm still in chaos though.   But I'm starting to manage it. The mass yesterday helped me a lot in realizing which should I prioritize in my life right now. Back home, I've had the most excruciating heartbreaks. Malas! But I've realized it wasn't just because of my unlucky fate in love, it was certainly because of my decisions and actions before. I was not wise enough. I always let my heart dominates.

I didn't realize I've been here for almost a year now. Canada is truly a fast-paced place. Work, eat, sleep, mall, Church and Internet. Simple life. For months, I had liquor twice, I went out once and I haven't been to a club yet. Very far from my life back home. I miss it so much. I miss my friends and of course my family. But I chose to move here. I made that decision together with my family. Not just because of my own future, but also for my sister. I'm going back to school this fall. By then, my future starts. That means I'll be much busier. I'm still debating whether to take Pharma or CGA. Pharmacy is my sister's course, so we could share books and be cheatmates  but I'm also thinking it will take me years. So I thought of taking Accounting, not only it can be my MBA but I already have knowledge and experiences on it. But that doesn't mean I don't have any on Pharma. I love Chemistry! But these are not the issues or those so-called chaos I've mentioned. Love always knocks me down whenever I'm on my best. I'm all set now and ready for my plans in life. Then someone came along. Unexpectedly. The worst part is, he is the best man I have ever met. I've never felt this crazy ever! And you know what's funny? I rejected him. Stupid much? I know!!!  But I have to use my brain this time. I can't let loose right now. I am so in control of my life. I have so much responsibilities, plans, goals and dramas in my life right now. I just can't fall. I've grown up

http://kelvinlesterlee.wordpress.com/2007/12/21/career-vs-love-which-would-you-pick/

  2010-03-09 01:26:35 2010-03-09 06:26:35 open Publish post 723215185 It's So White, It Hurts My Eyes xaxcxexlx Sat, 06 Mar 2010 22:51:11 -05:00

  Hi xangans! I'm sorry for not blogging these past few days. I've been so busy with work and with my new "Sunshine"  . Did I just say that? Haha! Yeah, I am head-over-heels in love with a guy right now and this is the very first time I felt this extreme towards a person! I'm actually starting to become annoying! Haha! So, Imma shut up now!  BTW, we just got home from Brandon, visited Ate Ela and her family. It has been a freezing foggy day today. Too scary to drive on the road but I love the scenery though, everything's white. Imma have supper in a while and rest, can't go to Republic with friends tonight 'cause I'm still tired from the trip. I have to rest and we'll see if I can go out some time soon. I promise to blog tomorrow. Xoxo!  NA

  2010-03-06 22:50:32 2010-03-07 03:50:32 open Publish post 723089895 Signs? xaxcxexlx Sun, 28 Feb 2010 19:18:39 -05:00

 From all the devastating calamities that are happening in the world today, call me a freak but it really is scary.

  2010-02-28 19:18:00 2010-03-01 00:18:00 open Publish post 722723646 ▌♥ ▌GO CANADA GO ▌♥ ▌ xaxcxexlx Sun, 28 Feb 2010 15:11:32 -05:00

 CANADA vs U.S.A

Men's Ice Hockey Finals on now!!!

Sa inyo na ang basketball! Hockey is our game!!!

2010-02-28 15:10:51 2010-02-28 20:10:51 open Publish post 722716459 In 5 Years. xaxcxexlx Sun, 28 Feb 2010 04:37:11 -05:00

2010-02-28 04:36:33 2010-02-28 09:36:33 open Publish post 722679978 Spring is Coming xaxcxexlx Fri, 26 Feb 2010 02:09:49 -05:00

my favourite morning! Tims Double Double

   I can wear shorts now  ...with leggings though

  2010-02-26 02:07:59 2010-02-26 07:07:59 open Publish post 722550863 xaxcxexlx Fri, 26 Feb 2010 02:03:17 -05:00

Gold: Yu Na Kim (South Korea)

Silver: Mao Asada (Japan)

Bronze: Joannie Rochette (Canada)

  2010-02-26 02:02:39 2010-02-26 07:02:39 open Publish post 722550697 xaxcxexlx Tue, 23 Feb 2010 20:02:11 -05:00

Tessa and Scott won gold in Ice Dance for Canada...IN CANADA!

  Tonight, I have two skaters to cheer for! Joannie Rochette for Canada and Kim Yu Na of South Korea but with a Canadian coach and training in Toronto. Kim Yu Na, as the reigning world champion and Grand Prix champion, she is expected to win gold tonight. But with plenty of competitions on the rink just like Mao Asada of Japan, one of Kim's fiercest rivals, is capable of throwing a triple axel, something no other competitor is likely to try and other Japanese skaters Miki Ando and Akiko Suzuki as well as Canada's Joannie Rochette pose a formidable challenge.

 Few minutes and let the game begin!

2010-02-23 20:01:31 2010-02-24 01:01:31 open Publish post 722420662 My #1 Style Icon xaxcxexlx Tue, 23 Feb 2010 18:03:57 -05:00

Olivia Toledo Palermo

2010-02-23 18:03:19 2010-02-23 23:03:19 open Publish post 722417528 I Strongly Recommend xaxcxexlx Tue, 23 Feb 2010 17:51:58 -05:00

 http://www.bergdorfgoodman.com/

   2010-02-23 17:51:20 2010-02-23 22:51:20 open Publish post 722417111 The Wait is Over xaxcxexlx Tue, 23 Feb 2010 17:47:01 -05:00 2010-02-23 17:46:22 2010-02-23 22:46:22 open Publish post 722416947 xaxcxexlx Tue, 23 Feb 2010 03:10:48 -05:00

  2010-02-23 03:10:08 2010-02-23 08:10:08 open Publish post 722377004 Yoga Accepts. Yoga Gives. xaxcxexlx Tue, 23 Feb 2010 02:15:14 -05:00

  After gaining weight due to the holidays and so

much pigging out lately, I need this.

  2010-02-23 02:11:04 2010-02-23 07:11:04 open Publish post 722375355 I Am So Back In Xanga xaxcxexlx Tue, 23 Feb 2010 02:16:17 -05:00

I just recovered this blogsite. This is my first ever blog. So now, I decided to revamp it. From now on, I'll make it public so everyone can check it.

2010-02-21 20:22:56 2010-02-22 01:22:56 open Publish post 722303590 C H A N E L xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:53:57 -05:00

     2008-02-17 15:05:30 2008-02-17 20:05:30 open Publish post 642877664 Anna Wintour xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 16:30:46 -05:00         2007-10-23 05:59:03 2007-10-23 09:59:03 open Publish post 623037643 Dream Room xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 16:36:37 -05:00

 Mariah Carey's closet.

  2007-10-11 16:28:55 2007-10-11 20:28:55 open Publish post 620980034 Spice Girls is LOVE :)) xaxcxexlx Sat, 23 Jan 2010 20:14:09 -05:00 2007-10-08 13:40:48 2007-10-08 17:40:48 open Publish post 620412775 Jason and LC xaxcxexlx Sat, 23 Jan 2010 20:18:50 -05:00 2007-10-08 10:09:03 2007-10-08 14:09:03 open Publish post 620357229 Very Audrey Hepburn xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 16:49:31 -05:00

2007-10-05 19:02:46 2007-10-05 23:02:46 open Publish post 619883787 The Last Hug xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 16:47:37 -05:00

Reserved the best for last. THE LAST HUG!

How do u say farewell to a person who you selflessly loved? I dont know how, although a whirlwind it was, it was the best rollercoaster ride of my life! So I just hugged him near, in that instance I had no sense of time! I just remember trying to embrace the love of my life, praying time would stop running forth, unfortunately no cooperation, the clock kept ticking! I released him but couldnt bear it, so I held him close one last time, cherishing preciously this human being that taught me to let go of my jadedness and allow myself to love. The most difficult moment was that last farewell glance, turning & walking away. Wish I could pull myself to glimpse back but I was scared I couldnt control myself and would run back, then I wouldnt be able turn my back once again. Im fulfilled with my decision to let be my emotions, to just let go, stop trying to control. No regrets. It was liberatingly freeing!

 Thanx ATE... for all the night-outs, drinking sessions and melancholic songs that made me cry out really loud! It felt so good to let it all out though! and yah thanx for escorting me with all the bottles of beer even if u cant even finish a bottle! It's the effort that counts! lav ya!

Thanx RIA... for never getting tired of listening to my endless ranting! and for being my hero against Pyke! hehe! Thanx for the long hours of chikahan!

Thanx BRY... for always checking up on me, for ticking me off when I skipped meals and for the libres! hehe!

Thanx ANGEL... for all the sleepless-sleepovers! haha! and for being my pretty nurse! We've been together for 9 looong years, u know the whole story! Thanx for EVERYTHING!

Thanx PYKE... FOR NOT SPEAKING TO ME FOR TWO MONTHS!!! It helped! I know how much u despise him! If y'all will form a petition party against him... I know u will be the President / Founder / Vice-Pres / Sec / Tres / blah blah blah!!! I still love u though! BUT It doesn't mean that I finally realized that I should've listened to u coz Carlos, It won't happen! COZ I HAVE NO REGRETS!!! I dont care if u dont understand why, how come, what am I thinking blah blah blah... basta! WE'VE BEEN HAPPY AND THAT'S ENOUGH. Believe it or not!!! Just pls be happy for me, I may not be able to smile at the moment.. but in time I will... hope soon... it's painful, still... but it will pay off sooner or later... I just need you beside me :) luv u Pyke! ..and happy bday! thanx again for inviting me... I ran out under the heavy rain just to get to Mindanao Ave! hmp! but it was worth it coz of our CEASEFIRE! hehe!

Thanx BEZ(Yadh)...for the calls and for making me cuento sooo daym long! Thanx for listening and helping me realized everything! I miss u! See u soon!

 U'll be the last guy I'll ever love this much!!! Thanx for making me the happiest!!! I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!! I miss everything we used to do together! There are so many things that remind me of u! It's getting harder and tougher! Just pls don't waste everything, PLS BE SURE THAT WHAT HAPPENED WILL MAKE U HAPPIER!

  2007-10-05 15:07:29 2007-10-05 19:07:29 open Publish post 619869888 Be Deaf! xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 16:50:47 -05:00

WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW WON'T HURT YOU!!!

2007-09-17 11:26:21 2007-09-17 15:26:21 open Publish post 616516200 Me Missing You xaxcxexlx Sat, 23 Jan 2010 20:46:02 -05:00

Missing You – Case

Standing here looking out my window

My nights are long and my days are cold

Cause I don't have you

How can I be so damn demanding

I know you said that it's over now

But I can't let go

Every day I want to pick up the phone

And tell you that

You're everything I need and more

If only I could find you

 Like a cold summer afternoon

Like the snow coming down in June

Like a wedding without a groom

I'm missing you

I'm the desert without the sand

You're the woman without a man

I'm the ring without a hand

I'm missing you

 Driving 'round thought I saw you pass me

My rearview mirror's playing tricks on me

Cause you fade away

Maybe I'm just hallucinating

Cause my loneliness got the best of me

And my heart's so weak.

  2007-09-13 19:48:38 2007-09-13 23:48:38 open Publish post 615827491 aww I miss Cold Rock :D ya bet we can do this better! haha! xaxcxexlx Sun, 04 Nov 2007 22:38:54 -05:00 2007-09-05 18:09:58 2007-09-05 22:09:58 open Publish post 614322473 xaxcxexlx Sat, 23 Jan 2010 20:48:39 -05:00 Will I ever find someone like you again? 2007-08-31 11:53:39 2007-08-31 15:53:39 open Publish post 613289781 Stupidity and Love xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:54:58 -05:00

I was browsing some multiply sites and ended up at my sister's schoolmate's multiply. lil lady yet big heartache! tsk tsk tsk! WE'RE IN A COMMON STATE. So I got interested with her blog.  I felt sad and disappointed again. kanino? kanino pa ba? eh di sa mga boys!

I hate forcing myself to let go of one person that I need in my life, it's the only thing that makes sense but at the same time, it's the same thing that complicates me! I KNOW THAT I AM BETTER OFF WITHOUT THAT PERSON, YET I FEEL EMPTY WHENEVER I TRY TO LET GO! Is emptiness better than constant hurting?

*even the smartest people make the most stupid mistake.. WHEN IN LOVE.*

2007-08-25 06:27:13 2007-08-25 10:27:13 open Publish post 612099335 xaxcxexlx Fri, 20 Jul 2007 06:39:22 -04:00 The Allstars @ Wave's D'Gathering Sheenz for Mtv VJ Hunt(check out Jon on the last part! haha! so so dazed!) Kenjhons' single: "I'll Be Your Angel"(I really looove this song!!!) 2007-07-20 06:39:22 2007-07-20 10:39:22 open Publish post 605126993 Hey Doll * just browsing around xanga. your page is wayy cute! feel free to stop by mine & comment/subscribe! take care xOx &hearts' kate 1 2007-07-20 09:17:00 2007-07-20 13:17:00 BoMBSHELLandBRAiNS bounce@xanga.com http://bombshellandbrains.xanga.com/ 0 26294079 0 1349249707 Simei Singapore xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 16:58:42 -05:00

2007-07-16 10:28:28 2007-07-16 14:28:28 open Publish post 604347320 The Art of LV xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:01:51 -05:00

2007-06-04 16:10:07 2007-06-04 20:10:07 open Publish post 595534428 Bento Fun xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:05:56 -05:00

I don't want to eat it!

2007-05-17 15:15:57 2007-05-17 19:15:57 open Publish post 591443064 Funner Shopping xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:08:57 -05:00

LV Japan

    2007-05-12 03:56:08 2007-05-12 07:56:08 open Publish post 590166962 last weekend @ Tierra Nevada xaxcxexlx Mon, 23 Apr 2007 06:51:23 -04:00

2007-04-23 06:50:34 2007-04-23 10:50:34 open Publish post 585846806 I'm A Big Fan xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:12:30 -05:00

Steve Aoki is LOVE!!!

2007-04-19 08:54:00 2007-04-19 12:54:00 open Publish post 584988403 xaxcxexlx Sat, 23 Jan 2010 20:57:15 -05:00

“Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.”  -English proverb

2007-04-06 17:38:51 2007-04-06 21:38:51 open Publish post 582169400 xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:56:14 -05:00

2007-03-29 11:00:16 2007-03-29 15:00:16 open Publish post 580278146 PHA xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:16:09 -05:00

2007-03-17 20:47:36 2007-03-18 00:47:36 open Publish post 577599925 The Dance of Love xaxcxexlx Sat, 23 Jan 2010 21:04:58 -05:00

I heard the crowd clapping and cheering as I stepped on the ice. My skating friends shouted, “Go, Ace!” I tried hard not to blush, but a grin crept over my face just like it always did whenever my friends called out their support to me. I reached my starting spot on the ice and took my opening position. I hoped all the hard work and many hours of practice would help me achieve my dream to win.

 My music began – a selection from the flick soundtrack of Step Up (it was the fastest routine I’ve ever danced!). Like a light stroke of a paintbrush on a canvas, my arm drew across my body, and my eyes followed out to my fingertips. I pushed off on my left foot with three powerful strokes into a Mohawk followed by a loop jump. I smiled as my blade curved a clean cut through the ice, and I held the landing, making sure all the judges could see. I pumped my legs with powerful crossovers until I was at the corner of the rink. I stretched my leg and jabbed my toe pick into the ice, which lifted me into a flip jump. Yes! I thought and gave another giant smile.

 My next moves needed to match the beats of the music exactly. I did a waltz jump, with a ballet jump following. I could hear the music; I was going too fast. I did some fancy three turns so that the music would catch up. Now! Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle. I danced on my toes to the high notes of the piano. I tightened my body for my low, fast sit spin and came out of the spin with two back crossovers. So far, things were going great. My energy was high as I followed the music in my mind.

 Already it was time to wind up my program. My last 45 seconds included required footwork, a combination jump, and a sequence of spirals. To position myself for my footwork, I prepared to do a second Mohawk. I swayed my leg. Then suddenly my foot slipped out from underneath me, and I hit the ice with a thud. The crowd gasped. My teeth were jarred from the impact, but I popped right back up.

 I had never fallen in a competition before, and my first thought was to skate off the ice into my mom’s comforting arms. I had worked so hard, and now I felt like I had thrown it all away. After all the hours I had spent preparing, why did I have to fall on such a simple maneuver in front of an audience? The judges would never award me a first. I had ruined everything.

 But in that same instant, I kept going. I remembered my coach saying, “The skater who gets up and keeps going, no matter how hard it is, is truly a winner.” I remembered my parents telling me, “It doesn’t matter whether you come in first or last as long as you try your hardest and enjoy yourself.” I had worked too hard to quit now. I was determined to focus.

 I smiled as I skated toward my flip-loop combination and landed with a wobble. The crowd clapped enthusiastically and my music began to slow to the end. I stretched my back leg for a spiral sequence across the ice. I stretched from one edge to another, lowered my leg , and did a slow back pivot to a standing pose with my chest in the air and my head and arms arched back. The crowd applauded loudly as I bowed and skated off the ice.

 I stopped at the boards and stepped of the ice. MJ smiled encouragingly, and my mom hugged me tight, whispering in my ear that I had done a wonderful job. I slipped on my guards and sat down on the “kiss and cry”. I was still breathing hard and my legs wouldn’t stop shaking. As  I waited for my score to be posted, I thought about how much I love this sport, and I decided it didn’t matter what I had placed.

 Later that evening I was scheduled to skate a coupletech performance with my lil sis, Reizel, so we decided to eat first and rest. I changed into some warm-ups, smoothed my White velvet ice dress, and tucked it into my skating bag. As we walked out of the ice rink toward our car, Vernice, one of Reizel’s skating friends, asked what I had placed.

         “Fifth,” I told her proudly.

        “That’s great, Ate,” she said. “And goodluck tonight.”

        “Thanx!” I replied.

 As we drove back to our house, I thought about my day. I had grown up a lot, and I had a new way of looking at performing. I truly realized what my coach meant when he said, “When you fall, especially in a performance, you get stronger, because when you finish something, even if it’s not perfect, there is a feeling of accomplishment.” I was a winner today because I got up and finished my routine with a smile.

 When I am skating, I feel relaxed, peaceful, and as light as the sand crystals that blow along the beach. What matters is that every day I am learning and trying my best. What matters is that I LOVE TO SKATE.

 It was my final competition. I will miss iceskating so much! Bye ice, Hello waves!

2007-03-13 09:27:37 2007-03-13 13:27:37 open Publish post 576571779 Up North xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:28:35 -05:00

 Here’s a cuento from my Baguio trip last week…

  THURSDAY night (Feb 22 ‘07)

 ©      Went to GB3 – foodtrip! Chill! Cof!

©      Pert gave me a CD – their album! coz I told him that Ikaw Pa Rin is my fave song! He’s so baet! Hehe!

  FRIDAY (Feb 23 ‘07)

 ©      Bad news: couldn’t sleep!

©      Good news: fell asleep at 3AM

©      Worst news: 4AM – have to wake up na agad!… leavin’ in an hour!

©      1st destination: Shell-Maya (Gil Puyat – in front of The Columns) – gas up!

©      groceries! Yey! Bought 3 bags of chicha! Kahit bawal skn chichiria! haha!

©      Crossing EDSA: I fell asleep once again :D

©      7AM: NLEX – breakfast!

©      8AM: on the road again!

Background music: Jamelia’s Superstar (the girls gone gaga!)

  ©      10AM: Our Lady of Manaoag shrine (Pangasinan)

- they have the best Mais Con Hielo! Hehe ;p

©      12AM: La Union! …but of course!!! Hehe

©      “Surf All Day And Do The Hula!” – Roxy

I got the ugliest tanline! Coz I was wearin a shirt! d@mn it!

SURF’S UP!!!

 ©      5PM: up up up north to Baguio!

…took McArthur instead of Kenon! Hehe! I was scared to death!

Background music: STRAIGHT CUT!!! (Georg sucks! Haha!)

©      7PM: SM Baguio (ate first)

©      saw Raja Montero (motorcade)

©      9PM: Kuya Ian’s crib (the rooms upstairs has the best hill views!)

©      1st night in Baguio – so cold!!! Water was like melted ice!

©      Stan’s friend & the pretty twins (Ela & Lyka) lives juz near our house! Same hill.. Quezon Hill! They’re from Silver St. lang! Our streets are crossing each other! Chico’s hometown! Hehe!

©      11PM: zzz…zz..z.

  SATURDAY (Feb 24 ‘07)

 ©      7AM: :’( I missed the sunrise! I so envy Reizel’s good-morning-Baguio pic!!!

©      9AM: Session Road!…watched Panagbenga Festival – Street Dancing (dame tao!)

©      11AM: shoppin’ time!

©      2PM: -others went to La Trinidad (strawberry farm)

-5 girls (including me!) went to Burnham Park

-riding a banca was fun! Rowing’s not though!

©      3PM: - Botanical Garden, Wright Park, The Mansion, Mines View Park… I don’t have much picz coz I was the group’s photographer! How nice of ‘em no?! hmp!

©      6PM: - went back home!

- they ate dinner, I did not, my tummy ached!

©      7PM: - went to Grotto (a 250 staircase up to the Altar)

- camwhorin’ and shoppin’ with my cousins!

©      9PM: - *porch* fireworks from Burnham Park! Yey! Hehe!

©      9:30PM: - they ate again! I did not AGAIN! :D

-after dinner, the girls and I played like lil kids with the uber fun help of the camera! ***check out my multiply: http://acel07.multiply.com/ ***

©      11PM: - zzz!!!…

  SUNDAY (Feb 25 ‘07)

 ©      4AM: - breakfast! Dami ko nakain! Wahaha!

©      5AM: - Sun wasn't up yet when we left the house.

©      6AM: - Baguio Cathedral

©      8AM: - Session Road (waited so ‘kin looong under the Sun!)

©      9AM: - Panagbenga Festival – Flower Floats Parade!

·          30 floats! Politicians! Celebs! Vast crowd!

©      12NN: - walked up hill back to the Cathedral’s parking area with my 2 ½ inches heeled pumps! Lolz!

  - ate pizza in the car then left Baguio na!

©      1PM: - camwhorin’ with Reizel along the “kakahilo-yet-awesome” Kenon Road!

- Background music? – Lady Sovereign! Best roadtrip ever!

       ©      4PM: - reached NLEX! …ate @ Jobee!

 ©      7PM: back to Manila! Finally home! Haaay… I LOVE THIS TRIP!

©      (I should’ve blogged my Singapore trip too! Sayang! Hehe!)

2007-03-12 07:09:06 2007-03-12 11:09:06 open Publish post 576302030 Breakfast at Tiffany`s xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:31:43 -05:00

Thanks Babe!

2007-02-18 20:53:19 2007-02-19 01:53:19 open Publish post 571391131 Sentosa xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:36:41 -05:00 2007-02-18 20:38:56 2007-02-19 01:38:56 open Publish post 571389363 You Copycat xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:36:56 -05:00

YOU’RE FLATTERING ME TOO MUCH!!!

  2007-02-08 19:17:29 2007-02-09 00:17:29 open Publish post 568945017 Adrian and Paris xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:37:13 -05:00

They look so cute together!

  2007-02-03 07:28:42 2007-02-03 12:28:42 open Publish post 567615300 Sheena, the Japanese Doll xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:38:20 -05:00

@ Emba Cafeteria

2007-02-02 15:03:07 2007-02-02 20:03:07 open Publish post 567488892 One Day xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:41:19 -05:00

I will see the northern lights someday.

  2007-02-02 01:27:54 2007-02-02 06:27:54 open Publish post 567336203 Walk Away xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:48:33 -05:00

Bez! C'est très dur vous permettre d'aller!

Walk Away PAULA DEANDA I'm gonna remember youYou're gonna remember meI'm gonna remember youYou're gonna remember meI saw you with your new girl just yesterdayAnd I feel that I must confessEven though it kills me to have to sayI'll admit that I was impressedPhysically just short of perfectionGotta commend you on your selectionThough I know I shouldn't be concernedIn the back of my mindI can't help but question

Does she rub you feetWhen you've had a long dayScratch your scalpWhen you take out your braidsDoes she know that you

like to Play PS2

till 6 in the morningLike I doI can't explain this feelingI think about it everydayAnd even though we've moved onIt gets so hard to walk away(I'm gonna remember youYou're gonna remember me)Walk Away, Walk Away(I'm gonna remember youYou're gonna remember me)

I can't forget how we used to be

 I guess i gotta live my life from day to dayHoping maybe you'll come backAnd though I tell myself not to be afraidTo move on but it seems I can'tBut no other man has given me attentionIt ain't the same as your affectionThough I know I should be contentIn the back of my mindI can't help but question

Does he kiss me on the foreheadBefore we playShow up on my doorstepwith a bouquetDoes he call me in the middle of the dayJust to say

hey baby I love youLike you used toI can't explain this feelingI think about it everydayAnd even though we've moved onIt gets so hard to walk away(I'm gonna remember youYou're gonna remember me)Walk Away, Walk Away(I'm gonna remember youYou're gonna remember me)Walk Away, Walk Away

I can't forget how we used to be

 So hard to express this feeling Cause nobody compares to youAnd you know she'll never love you like i do

 I can't explain this feelingI think about it everydayAnd even though we've moved onIt gets so hard to walk away(I'm gonna remember youYou're gonna remember me)Walk Away, Walk AwayRemember You(I'm gonna remember youYou're gonna remember me)(I'm gonna remember youYou're gonna remember me)

2007-01-31 15:35:14 2007-01-31 20:35:14 open Publish post 567019776 Irina Slutskaya xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:46:08 -05:00

2007-01-29 15:59:45 2007-01-29 20:59:45 open Publish post 566548974 Moonriver xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:48:02 -05:00

The Glamorous Audrey

2007-01-28 06:24:54 2007-01-28 11:24:54 open Publish post 566193610 xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:51:42 -05:00

SINGAPURA

 Ready to hit the shops in Singapore? You have come to the right destination as shopping, along with eating, is rated as one of the top favorite pastimes here. Shopping is a serious business in Singapore where even hardcore shopaholics who have perfected the art of shopping will surrender to the sheer volume, range and diversity.

 Having earned a global reputation as a true shopper’s paradise, Singapore is one giant mall where all your shopping needs can be fulfilled. Each year, millions of visitors from around the world explore the shopping delights in Singapore and treat themselves to one shopping spree after another.

 Singapore is a city of duty-free luxury goods, cutting-edge technology and high fashion. It is also arguably one of the best places to hunt for the latest high tech gadgets at competitive prices. From international or local fashion designer labels to made-to-measure clothes in any fabric of your choice, Singapore offers it all. You can also choose to experience shopping in a swanky air-conditioned malls in downtown areas of Orchard Road and Marina Bay, or pick up unique finds in the ethnic claves and for the more adventurous, the suburbs where local residents shop.

 For the shopper, the seamless shopping experience is unrivalled. You can be assured of the value and quality of your purchases, especially with the Star Retailers’ Scheme for consumer technology products, and Quality Jewelers’ Scheme for jewelry.

With all this diversity, value and quality that Singapore has to offer, it’s up to you to decide how to vary your shopping experience to create your Uniquely Singapore shopping experience.

 No matter where you are on this island, you will never be short of an opportunity to shop to your heart’s delight.

 ORCHARD ROAD

Tanglin Area:

©     Tanglin Shopping Centre

©     Tudor Court Shopping Gallery

©     Tanglin Place

©     Tanglin Mall

©     Tangs

©     Delfi Orchard

©     Forum The Shopping Mall

©     Palais Renaissance

©     Hilton Shopping Gallery

©     Liat Towers

©     Wheelock Place

Scotts Area:

©     DFS Galleria Scottswalk

©     Far East Plaza

©     Scotts Shopping Centre

©     Shaw House

©     Pacific Plaza

Tangs to Paragon:

©     Tangs

©     Wisma Atria

©     Ngee Ann City

©     Paragon

©     Lucky Plaza

Mandarin Gallery to Park Mall

©     Mandarin Gallery

©     Cineleisure Orchard

©     The Heeren Shops

©     Centrepoint Shopping Centre

©     Specialists’ Shopping Centre

©     Plaza Singapura

©     Park Mall

 MARINA BAY

Citylink Mall

©     Lee Hwa Jewellery

©     OZOC

Raffles City Shopping Centre

©     LIFEbaby 

©     Swarovski

Raffles Hotel Arcade

©     Raffles Hotel Gift Shop

©     Louis Vuitton

CHIJMES

©     Empress Myanmar

Suntec City Mall

©     Dashing Diva

©     New Urban Male Store

©     MANGO

©     Fountain of Wealth

Millenia Walk

©     Cortina Watch Espace Boutique

©     Harvey Norman

Esplanade Mall

©     Thetres on the Bay!

Marina Square Shopping Mall

©     Buffalo

 CHINATOWN

©     Chinatown Complex

©     People’s Park Centre

©     Chinatown Point

©     Pagoda Street

©     South Bridge Road

©     Trengganu Street

©     Temple Street

©     Club Street

©     Ann Siang Road

©     Trishaw Park

©     Chinatown Night Market

©     Smith Street

©     Eu Yan Sang

©     Yue Hwa Building

 LITTLE INDIA

©     Mustafa Centre

©     Tekka Mall

©     Little India Arcade

©     Tekka Market

©     Serangoon Road

©     Upper Dickson road

©     Dunlop Street

©     Cuff Road

©     Chander Road

©     Race Course Road

©     Syed Alwi road

 KAMPONG GLAM

©     Bali Lane

©     Haji Lane

©     Arab Street

©     Bussorah Street

©     Baghdad Street

©     North Bridge Road

 BUGIS (kayanin mo ang baho dito! Harhar!)

©     Bugis Junction

©     Bugis Street

  DON’T MISS my fave shops:

 The Heeren Shop

©     Flash N Splash

©     Fourskin

©     77th Street

©     Check Fotwear

 Far East Plaza

©     FuncDeko

©     Sidewalk 10

©     COL

©     Ambush

©     Rastafari

©     Essue 21

 Bugis Junction

©     Refugees Apparel

©     Vintage Bloom

©     Soul’d Out

©     Girl’s Paradise

©     Maameemoo

©     Hula & Co

©     Cocoon

©     Tian

 Plaza Singapura

©     M)phosis

 CityLink Mall

©     New Urban Male.com

©     Surfer Girls

  2007-01-25 07:15:46 2007-01-25 12:15:46 open Publish post 565519564 xaxcxexlx Sun, 28 Jan 2007 05:59:21 -05:00

Dad! She's a real lady now :'(

2007-01-25 05:07:31 2007-01-25 10:07:31 open Publish post 565496085 I love Bloc Party xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:53:14 -05:00

2007-01-20 02:20:32 2007-01-20 07:20:32 open Publish post 564302768 I Heart Memories xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:56:30 -05:00

2007-01-19 12:00:58 2007-01-19 17:00:58 open Publish post 564184696 xaxcxexlx Fri, 12 Jan 2007 19:36:21 -05:00 merci dad! je vous manque! SAMSUNG K5Je vous parie ne peut pas vous permettre d'acheter ceci fille pauvre! 2007-01-12 19:26:00 2007-01-13 00:26:00 open Publish post 562561594 xaxcxexlx Tue, 09 Jan 2007 15:33:43 -05:00

Be part of the night

that will be written in history!back to back GRAND party  

JAN 10 07 @ Prince of Jaipur, The FORt

as we call all the

B-U-tiful ladiesto celebrate this night of

"TAG! UR HOT!"

and the birth of

"PRICELESS PRODUCTIONS"let the hot, gorgeous, steaming sexy ladies

fill the club w/ FREE SHOTS

as we dance to the rhythm

of an unforgettable night..brought to you by the

genuine hip hop and rnb djs and mcs.let the earthshaking nights begin!need we say more?..free entrance for everyone!

coz our party is your party!c yah!

2007-01-09 15:31:51 2007-01-09 20:31:51 open Publish post 561846635 Pretty Sunrise xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:58:20 -05:00

I had to wake up as early as 5 AM today to start training for the upcoming 2007 Grand prix Philippine Open Figure-Skating Championship. This will be my last competition coz I decided to enter the pipemasters world! Yeh boi! I am so excited to ride the waves!

 Today, my goal will be the Bielman position and spins. My lesson will start at 10 AM but I have to warm up and try freestyle before getting to coach MJ. Reiz has her dance class (8-10AM), I’ll just meet her at the rink later together with Rozz.

2007-01-08 19:05:24 2007-01-09 00:05:24 open Publish post 561643529 M's xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:00:54 -05:00

2007-01-04 12:44:03 2007-01-04 17:44:03 open Publish post 560734816 Cherish xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:01:27 -05:00 Let's take a walk together near the ocean shore hand in hand you and I Let's cherish every moment we have been given for time is passing by I often pray before I lay down by your side If you receive your calling before I awake Could I make it through the night?  Cherish the love we have We should cherish the life we live Cherish the love, cherish the life, cherish the love Cherish the love we have For as long as we both shall live Cherish the love, cherish the life, cherish the love The world is always changing, nothing stays the same But love will stand the test of time The next life that we live in remains to be seen Will you be by my side I often pray before I lay down by your side And if you receive your calling before I awake Could I make it through the night? 2006-12-30 17:33:49 2006-12-30 22:33:49 open Publish post 559597262 random pix xaxcxexlx Thu, 04 Jan 2007 13:02:36 -05:00

2006-12-30 16:59:43 2006-12-30 21:59:43 open Publish post 559594142 xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:57:54 -05:00

2006-12-29 15:29:34 2006-12-29 20:29:34 open Publish post 559389895 White Will Always Be Sexy xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:06:09 -05:00

2006-12-22 13:52:38 2006-12-22 18:52:38 open Publish post 557913758 Awe xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:12:22 -05:00

2006-12-19 06:34:08 2006-12-19 11:34:08 open Publish post 556988343 Blue Crush *love watchin it over & over again!* xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:13:00 -05:00

 Life for Anne Marie has been one long Pipe dream. She's about to make that dream a reality if she can keep from drowning in her own fear. As the clock ticks down to the Pipe Masters surf competition on the North Shore of Oahu, more is at stake for Anne Marie than the pressure of competing in one of the world's most dangerous, aggressive and male-dominated sports. She must first win a dreaded contest within. Sharing a beach shack with her best friends Eden and Lena, and her rebellious younger sister Penny, Anne Marie lives for the adrenaline-charged surf scene, rising before dawn every day to charge the Pipeline's deadly waves. The friends eke out a living as maids in a luxury resort hotel. The humble job pays the bills and lets them keep their focus on the water. But things change when a pro football team with slovenly habits and fat wallets checks in. Like it or not, Anne Marie starts losing her balance--and finding it--as she falls for quarterback Matt Tollman. Suddenly there are options: trophy wife or trophy winner? But there's really only one choice for someone like Anne Marie. Matt knows it, too--that's why he likes her. And when Anne Marie faces a paralyzing moment of truth on the biggest day of her life, Matt is there along with Lena, Eden and Penny, to help her remember why the goal that has driven her for so long matters so much.

Also Known As:

Surf Girls

Surf Girls of Maui

Production Status:

Released

Genres:

Action/Adventure, Comedy and Romance

Running Time:

1 hr. 49 min.

Release Date:

August 16th, 2002

MPAA Rating:

PG-13 for sexual content, teen partying, language and a fight.

Distributors:

Universal Pictures Distribution

Production Co.:

Imagine Entertainment, Shutt-Jones Productions

Studios:

Universal Pictures

U.S. Box Office:

$40,118,420

Filming Locations:

Oahu, Hawaii, USA

Produced in:

United States

2006-12-15 08:14:23 2006-12-15 13:14:23 open Publish post 555991783 The F Shots xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:14:36 -05:00

2006-12-14 02:19:30 2006-12-14 07:19:30 open Publish post 555666620 Renditions xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:15:17 -05:00  Joshua Desiderio of Freestyle Paolo Banaga of K24/7  2006-11-09 06:46:09 2006-11-09 11:46:09 open Publish post 545888323 Candy Stirrer xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:16:55 -05:00

2006-11-01 17:18:33 2006-11-01 22:18:33 closed Publish post 543508813 Winnipeg, See You Soon. xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:18:10 -05:00

2006-10-24 12:11:36 2006-10-24 16:11:36 open Publish post 540857295 Belle, You Are The Most Beautiful Pinay Ever! xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:19:37 -05:00

2006-09-12 11:42:36 2006-09-12 15:42:36 open Publish post 528485463 Ms. Hilton`s Closet xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:21:36 -05:00

2006-08-19 11:40:46 2006-08-19 15:40:46 open Publish post 520768191 Les Deux xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:23:08 -05:00

2006-08-15 13:13:34 2006-08-15 17:13:34 open Publish post 519491935 xaxcxexlx Thu, 14 Dec 2006 01:39:48 -05:00

Ever tried to let go of something so close and dear to your heart that letting it go would be like giving up a part of your life? Sometimes we have to let certain things go even if we don’t want to, because sometimes we end up hurting ourselves even more if we hold on to it.We're only human right? So, I'm pretty sure that we get tired. Maybe at first you'll be like "I can't do it. I can't let go" but trust me you’ll find the strength to let go. When you let go of a person or when the person lets you go, you shouldn't be bitter. You should thank the person for teaching you a lot of things. Maybe someone better was meant for you. Maybe he just had something to teach you. Maybe God gave that person to you to teach you to become stronger. Sometimes letting go is easier. (Yeah, yeah, easier said than done.) It's like holding on to a piece of broken glass, you hold on, you keep on hurting yourself but when you decide to let go, you feel the pain and your hand bleeds but the pain doesn’t last a lifetime. It heals but there will be a mark. Just like in your heart. There will be a mark, a proof, that once in your life you loved someone so much and he taught you a lot of things and that someone taught you to be strong. It won't be easy, but you'll get through it!

2006-08-15 13:04:59 2006-08-15 17:04:59 open Publish post 519488833 xaxcxexlx Thu, 14 Dec 2006 01:40:34 -05:00

By Benjamin Joseph D. Collado IIIPublished on Page C1 of the July 26, 2006 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer 

IT'S ABOUT WAKING UP IN THE morning with a bad hangover and being hit by a very familiar feeling that you went overboard again last night.

It's about a one-night stand with a girl you met at a party, sneaking out of her room before she wakes, checking your things if something was missing, looking for her phone and purposely deleting your number from her phonebook.

It's about meeting a girl at a bar and offering her a ride home. It's about asking her if she wanted to go someplace private so you can talk--when both of you are aware that you have a different "talk" in mind.

It's about meeting your ex again after quite some time and noting how much better she looks now than she did before. It's about pushing the right buttons for her to give in. And finding yourself in bed with her without strings attached, all the while being grateful to your friend who told you it's good not to burn your bridges with your exes.

It's about seeing a girl and finding ways for you to meet her. With pickup lines being overused, you have a better chance of getting her number by having a friend go over and ask her politely if he can have his friend over there introduced to her.

It's about texting with her the whole day, getting to know her, showing that you have a genuine interest in her, sharing sweet nothings on the phone and forwarding her cheesy quotes that work almost all the time.

It's about having your friend, your partner-in-crime, the Robin to your Batman--or whatever you want to call him--validate to her all your pledges of devotion and loyalty.

It's about perfecting the art of lying. Telling your girlfriend it was just you and the boys last night--go ask Robin. And not bothering to tell Robin what to say because he already knows the routine.

It's about keeping your girlfriend happy. Giving her gifts and surprises so she won't suspect your wayward ways.

It's about not caring if your girlfriend broke up with you because she caught you cheating. There are other fish in the sea, you say. You're better off a free man, free to do anything you pleased without worrying about getting caught.

It's about asking the girl you just met out for a date. Convincing her that you're for real. Making her forget about the warnings her friends gave about you.

It's about doing anything so you can bring her home tonight. And if everything else fails, it's always a good idea to have a plan B.

It's about saying the L word without breaking eye contact. Making her believe that you really mean it and that you're starting to fall for her. That's plan B.

It's about thinking of ways to break up with her if she starts to get clingy. Thinking of the standard breakup lines and wondering if she'll buy it.

It's about rushing to your friend's girlfriend with a shoulder to cry on. Telling her that everything's gonna work out fine. Comforting her one minute, making out the next.

It's about going out with your friends and partying all night. Drinking till dawn and playing around with girls.

It's about waking up in the morning with a bad case of hangover and a very familiar feeling that you went overboard again last night.

Deja vu.

Ugly cycle

It really is an ugly cycle. After years of a life like this, you begin to ask yourself if there is more to life than drinking all night and finding someone to hook up with. And in the morning when you wake up, no matter how much you soap yourself, you still have this uneasy feeling that you're still dirty.

Your friend has found a girl that he's serious about. When you go out with your friends, you find him taking a raincheck because he has to spend time with his girl. You and your friends wonder what has gotten into him. You even wonder if he's lost his mind. How can he even think about trading this kind of life? There's nothing better than a bachelor's life.

It's all fun and games the first few years. But after a while, you look at yourself in the mirror and find the traces of abuse you did to yourself. And if you don't change your ways, you fear that maybe someday you'll find yourself alone and lonely.

And after all the years of booze and girls, you can finally sum up your life in one word--empty.

Maybe it's not good to spend your life that way. Maybe your friend hasn't lost his mind, after all.

What you need is to find someone who can make you look forward to another day. Someone who, when you think about her, never fails to put a smile on

your face.

Someone who makes you want to be a better man--to steal a line from pareng Jack Nicholson.

Someone who fills that emptiness in you, making you complete.

Before, when you used to wake up in the morning and find somebody in your arms, your first thought was how you could get rid of her without hurting her feelings. But now, what you need is a girl who makes you want to think of reasons and ways to let her stay in your arms.

Because when she's right there beside you, it is as if everything's okay. That nothing else matters but you and her.

You need somebody who makes you miss her so much that you buy a bottle of her perfume and spray it on your pillows so, when you go to bed at night, you can hug the pillow with her scent on it and wish that it was really her you were hugging.

You need somebody who makes your heart skip a beat when she smiles at you. Who makes you feel so comfortable and safe that you pour out your heart to her, unburdening secrets that you've kept for a long time. And having her tell you that it's okay, you have a new slate now, that you can leave everything where it belongs, in the past, and concentrate on what lies ahead of you.

You need someone who makes you listen more to love songs on the radio. Someone whom you pray for at night before you sleep. Someone you wish you'd dream about, for even while you sleep, you still want to be with her.

Someone whom you can finally look in the eye, without all the guilt and deceit, and tell her you love her. And you get this mushy feeling inside that tells you it's true. You want to shout over the rooftops, you love her, and she loves you!

There's no better feeling in the world.

I have found my someone. I have found my all. I've been wanting to ask this for a long time now. And I think there's no better timing than now.

So here I am, down on one knee, asking you, my someone.

Will you marry me?

Its when you hurt the worst that you have love the most.

2006-08-15 12:31:05 2006-08-15 16:31:05 open Publish post 519475804 xaxcxexlx Tue, 15 Aug 2006 05:13:30 -04:00 2005-12-17 08:04:54 2005-12-17 13:04:54 open Publish post 408214493 xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:25:50 -05:00

2005-12-08 05:53:32 2005-12-08 10:53:32 open Publish post 402506386 Comfy & Stylish xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:30:36 -05:00

2005-11-28 11:41:53 2005-11-28 16:41:53 open Publish post 396255686 Dog House? Wow. xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:29:21 -05:00

  2005-11-22 14:18:38 2005-11-22 19:18:38 open Publish post 392358736 xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:31:25 -05:00 !!! H-A-P-P-Y---B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y---K-A-L-B-O-!!! 2005-09-08 09:48:16 2005-09-08 13:48:16 open Publish post 343688746 Hey I'm Still A Little Girl :) xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 19:01:18 -05:00

2005-08-22 12:23:49 2005-08-22 16:23:49 open Publish post 332279794 xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 19:03:13 -05:00

I LOVE THIS VIDEO!!!

LIKE YOU - Bow Wow featuring Ciara

 (Chorus) I ain't ever had nobody show me all the things That you done showed me In a special way I feel when you hold me We gon' always be together baby That is what you told and I believe it cuz I ain't never had Nobody do me like you Bow Wow Now I done been with different kind of girls So like I done seen them all But ain't none of them at all (like you) And I done seen the best of the best Baby still I ain't impressed cuz Ain't none of them at all (like you) and if you know how I feel when I chill Look if I'm seen with a girl Then she gotta be just (like you) And baby thats the way I feel And I ain't got no choice But for me to keep it real Cuz when we first got together Starting hanging out you was skeptical at first Had to figure out if I was the kind of guy Would try to dog you out but I ain't that kind of guy you try to make me out You found out when you turned to my baby I showed them other brothers How to treat a lady I let you drive when I ride that Mercedes And I ain't trippin' or actin' shady Cuz baby you know (Chorus) I ain't ever had nobody show me all the things That you done showed me In a special way I feel when you hold me We gon' always be together baby That’s what you told and I believe it cuz I ain't never had Nobody do me like you Ciara And everytime I think about you I smile When you ride when you call when you come around Your love is amazing to me I can't wait till I see you (I wanna be with you again) And everytime your out on the road (I'll make a trip) And whenever I'm doing a show (Don't you forget) That I'm your main chick Who got that game chick One in the same chick The one you can hang with (Chorus) I ain't ever had nobody show me all the things That you done showed me In a special way I feel when you hold me We gon' always be together baby That is what you told and I believe it cuz I ain't never had Nobody do me like you Bow Wow Ok we hit the mall pop tags Spend a few G's (Cheesin') Hit the runway to a new season It ain't nothing Spoil the one I care for Feel like I ain't doin' enough That's when I shape off I give you this give you that What chu need love You know I got it Holla at me if you need love In affection cuz I'll be your protection Kinda hard job but I'll do until perfection And you can tell that I ain't tryin' to let you go I get with you when I can So thats how I let you know And you be trippin' cuz sometimes I gotta go But chu the first one I hollared to right after my show Hey now I was trippin' in a sense I was tense but my body's lose around you But I'ma do without you I gotta get it together say whateva Since I met you my life seems so better (Chorus 2 x's) I ain't ever had nobody show me all the things That you done showed me In a special way I feel when you hold me We gon' always be together baby That is what you told and I believe it cuz I ain't never had Nobody do me like you

2005-08-18 03:37:16 2005-08-18 07:37:16 open Publish post 329413838 xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 19:05:29 -05:00

Southerz…see you this weekend!

I effin miss Daytona! Bry… beat me! Haha!

I felt like… I came out from a tomb! Haha!

Can’t wait 2 use my “inaamag” TZ-card again!

Miss hanging out with y'all! I’m comin with my cousin k?

Don’t worry… they’re loadz of fun!

C u all dirtee southerz!

2005-08-17 09:40:19 2005-08-17 13:40:19 open Publish post 328780553 xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 19:06:22 -05:00

Aya asked me to post this.

"Miss... I don't deserve yer boifriend...I'm too good fer him!...and besides, he doesn't need a lover...he wants a BITCH!!!u deserve him!"

onga naman :))

2005-08-14 10:31:11 2005-08-14 14:31:11 open Publish post 326653538 Over xaxcxexlx Tue, 23 Feb 2010 03:45:49 -05:00

I remember the time when there was a special someone who was so much a part of my life. There was hardly a moment we weren’t together. It seemed so perfect. Sure we fought every now and then… but problems were there to help the relationship grow stronger. We would work through the problem, and not just ignore it and hope for it to go away. With all that he and I had been through together for 3 long years, I thought that nothing would ever separate us. But as life would have it, you can’t stay on cloud nine forever.And then… IT HAPPENED!… HE ENDED IT! And found someone else (though I’m still clueless how he lowered himself for that kinda girl). I never thought he could hurt me. I thought I know him that well. That he’s not that kind of person. And worst, hurt me in that fuckin way! LEFT ME… back to ZERO!

I kept asking God why it happened. I totally flipped. I was angry, frustrated, depressed, confused, and hysterical all at once. I kept asking myself… Why? What happened? What did Ido? I couldn’t sleep nor eat for a week… I’d just cry my eyes out! I would close my eyes and see his face. I’d look around me and almost everything would remind me of him. I’d hear songs and remember him. There were times that I’d be out with our common friends and I would think I’d see him but it was just my mind playing tricks on me. I’d wake up my mom in the middle of the night and cry to her because I felt like my heart had been ripped out. My world was shattered!!!

Then of course I hit the stage of depression, then anger, then bitterness. I got so angry and bitter, that I gathered everything he gave me… letters, notes, gifts… and put everything in a box. I carried it around with me to school, and I was debating with myself whether to give it back or not. Well, eventually I did not. I did what Howard told me. But I did it badly. Coz of the fact that I couldn’t resist calling him and still talked to him for more than a couple of times. Plus another fact that his family wouldn’t want to let me go! I love them so much! But it was not exactly the smartest nor the most proper thing to do. But sometimes when our emotions get the best out of us, even the smartest people make stupid mistakes. It was really difficult for me. I just wanted to forget it all happened. When people would ask me what had happened, I’d just say I don't want to talk about it. I cut off all ties with him and he did the same with me. I went out with my friends, and just had fun. Of course there were still moments when I’d think about him and then I’d miss him.

I don’t remember the exact moment I realized I was over him but I’ve realized them all by going to our fave place. There! It just happened. I finally got my sanity back and realized I have a future to prepare on. That he's no longer part of it and someone will come someday. Now, after almost a month, he and I talk occasionally, the things of the past forgiven. There's still that part of me that will always care. I believe the past is there for me to learn from. I also believe that I am meant for someone. I know he’s out there somewhere, and I trust God that He will bring us together. I’ve tried doing things on my own and I usually just mess‘em up. I’ve had my heart broken into pieces so small you could fit the pieces through the eye of a needle. That’s why I decided to trust in God instead of doing everything MY way. And besides, why mope around and be depressed when there is so much in this world to experience? We all have friends who’ll stick by us until the very end, friends who stick by us through the good and the bad. And we have a Friend up there Who wants to take care of us, and all we have to do is let Him.

Now, I’m abso-bloody-lutely over you.

2005-08-13 10:20:28 2005-08-13 14:20:28 open Publish post 326008364 Best Bag Ever xaxcxexlx Sun, 21 Feb 2010 19:19:05 -05:00

2005-08-10 09:06:05 2005-08-10 13:06:05 open Publish post 323812573 Hey whats up 1 2005-08-10 12:34:00 2005-08-10 16:34:00 Spring_Branch_kings bounce@xanga.com http://spring-branch-kings.xanga.com/ 0 18332827 0 618182861 hey gorgeous <3thankss for subscriibiing _ hott song * lovess iit <3comment back * keep iin touch <3_ love you biitch <3*xOx MiiCH SUMMER x3 1 2005-08-11 19:21:00 2005-08-11 23:21:00 Anonymous bounce@xanga.com 0 -1 0 621212243