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I feel good today

I had a good attitude, which is rare for me. I didn’t let things bother me, I let my boss that I don’t have a great relationship with mansplain everything to me and I acted like it was the first time I was hearing it and then we spent 20 minutes working on a fence together and actually got him to laugh a few times and I feel like I can start to make the relationship better from here

I’m feeling a lot less hopeless today. I wonder if that’s because I only got 2 hours of sleep and I’m too tired to care or if it’s just because I’m getting laid well and often now lmaoooo

Either way I want to keep this going. I don’t want to be angry and bitter at work anymore. If I need to swallow my pride to do it then that’s what I need to do and it’s hard but I’ll have plenty of opportunities to work at it.

I told Eadaoin last week that I realized this was my problem to fix and I need to work on how I handle this environment better instead of just blaming them and she replied “oh is this Rachel’s influence?” Which I mean fair rachel is very inspiring in that way but it was also a lil sad to me that she didn’t think I could come up with that myself lmao which I did and always have done. But that’s not what people know me as at work. There I’m just too much. I’m a mess. I’m angry and impulsive and always complaining about something instead of what people have seen me as my whole life. I’ve always been the one with the good head on my shoulders. That phrase specifically was always repeated, like when people would talk about me to my parents in front of me that’s always what they’d say. Since childhood. And I’ve agreed. I’ve always been very rational and mature for my age and calm in a storm and people know me as the therapist friend and the one to run to but to my coworkers I’m just the unhinged coworker about to snap. I don’t want to be that anymore.

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July 27, 1925 Journals of Anais Nin 1923-1927 [volume 3]

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I hate who I am at work

Which is just so strange to me because I’ve always loved who I am at work until this job

A lot of it is just because that’s the environment where I work, everyone is after this job so we’re all replaceable and that also comes with a lot of ego from the people who feel like they’re a success there and I am struggling to learn how to be okay with that even though I don’t really have a choice

But also I think the people in my department are just not my people. I just wonder if I would feel like I fit in better in mammals or something. Like idk everyone in birds is like a nerd and a goody two shoes and just kinda fucking lame and idk I just seem so crazy to them. And maybe I am but I know so much of this field is filled with people just like me but I’m surrounded by all the people that are just not. Like idk if there was no zookeeper option and our only route was like the vet field, I am a vet tech in a department of vets. Like both are great and necessary and valid forms of work but one has to be more precise and technical and the other has to be more willing to get their hands dirty and just do what needs to be done. Idk if this is making any sense but I’m just not like them and I think maybe I wouldn’t feel this bad about myself all the time if I also wasn’t surrounded by people who are type a who think type b people like me are crazy. Like i could say one thing at childrens zoo that would make all the seasonals love me but if I said the same thing at birds they’d think I was so unhinged. I’m tired of feeling crazy. I wonder if I would feel that way in mammals or somewhere else

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Waking up to a text from her saying how she was happy I could come out tonight and she was just happy to see me

Right before that I was falling asleep thinking about how she brings out such a good side in me because of how kind she is and how much I love the way she sees the world

She’s just so wonderful

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Side note besides all of the great sex I really am just having such a great time with rachel. It’s going so so well and I just don’t want to mess this up but I’m showing her who I am and she just seems to like me more for it and it’s actually crazy. I’m still expecting her to just suddenly pull away like the other girls I’ve had real feelings for and idk it’s not happening. Not saying it won’t happen but I do actually feel secure in her feelings for me and it’s just so refreshing and so lovely and I’m not used to it. I took her to heathers wedding reception. She met my mom voluntarily. She wants to see where I come from to understand me more and I showed her. None of that scared her away and even today she invited me to trivia with all of her friends and it’s just so nice to be wanted. Especially when it’s by someone I really want. I’m not going to get ahead of myself though. I did ask her to be my girlfriend and the panic in her eyes was all the response I needed which wasn’t a great feeling but she did tell me that she wants to say yes she’s just still scared which I get. It’s still early and there’s no need to rush. And it’s not even like that was an issue, we spent the weekend together after that and even went on a road trip to Atlantic City just to go to rainforest cafe. I took her to Denton after heathers wedding and we were leaving the gazebo when all of a sudden it started pouring. We held hands and walked and enjoyed the rain for a while before it picked up and we ran through it laughing. We got to the road and the sky was all pink and the sun was still peaking out but the rain was still coming down and she started twirling and I swear every time I watch the video I got of her just spinning herself in the street I fall for her a little bit. It’s early but it’s so so wonderful. And it could be something real. I really hope it is. She brings out something really good in me, I hope I can do the same for her.

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Can’t stop thinking of when I was fucking rachel the other morning and I literally watched her cum rush out of her and down my hand and my fucking god I don’t know if I’ve ever been more turned on in my life

I made her do it again a minute later I just needed to see it again it was just so fucking hot

God I never want to stop touching her

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Not gonna let it get to my head that her friends are calling her my girl …..

….. ….. …(:

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We have travel plans for September

:)

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S/o the education girl I’ve been soft flirting w for the last almost two years and she finally liked me in hinge and I’m hoping wifing rachel

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Side note having some of the best and hottest sex of my life with her jfc made her squirt last night for the first time and I just can’t get enough of her my fucking goddd

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I just spent the last two days with rachel

Our first pride and we combined both our friend groups and it went so welllllllll everyone likes each other and had fun and we all are planning a camping trip it was just great

And I got to spend both nights just having so much fun (and sex) with her and it was honestly just so nice like we both are people who spend so much time taking care of other people that we never get taken care of ourselves, so we were talking about how nice it is to have each other that just wants to take care of the other

It’s just so sweet and wholesome and I’m gonna fall in love w her so hard like I’m already starting

I wake up and see that we’re still holding hands from falling asleep and I just haven’t had anything mutual in so long it’s such a peaceful feeling. She wakes up and cuddles closer into me. It’s warm.

I had a dream that we were laying in bed and I asked her to be my girlfriend

I woke up and I didn’t remember if it was a dream or not

Tomorrows her birthday or I probably would have asked her for real

I really want this to work long term. She seems to too. I asked her if I had to worry about her being a flight risk and she said she has in the past but she’s been working hard to be more stable and having a slower life. Then she said how this is also the first time she’s just felt so comfortable with someone she doesn’t want to run away. I just hope it stays that way. She’s so precious.

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Social battery is 0

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I’ve been going through a rough patch lately

And depressive episodes are nothing new to me and lasting this long isn’t surprising

But it’s come with a lot of anger that I can’t get rid of and that’s really new to me. I don’t know what to do with all of it. And I think a lot of it is because I’m just really sick of how I’ve been treated my whole life. Part of it’s my fault for being such a pushover but so much of it is just being taking advantage or trying to manipulate me or making me small to make them big and I’m just fucking done with it.

But now that I’m trying to deal with that I have to think of where that all started and it always going back to mark

Shane was the start of it for sure, the first time I fell in love and also the first time I learned to put up with less than i deserved for way too long

But mark was just such a piece of shit. Making me a prisoner. Manipulating me into sucking his duck every day or fucking him even though I was so dry I would bleed and he wouldn’t care. I will never forget crying as he fucked me. I will never forget waking up naked and not remembering the last 14 hours because he got me hooked on Xanax and would fuck me while I was unconscious. Then he would tell me I was the cruel one and I was the one that didn’t love him because I wanted to see my friends and my family. I was fucking trapped. Threatening to drive his car into my dorm building if I broke up with him. Telling me he carved his initials into every tree at my safe place and left his body in the woods for me to find, only for me to speed the 60 miles to the lake to find out he was lying then see he had been posting about how I was a slut on Instagram while I was looking for his body. I just didn’t fucking deserve that.

I didn’t deserve a lot of the shit I’ve put up with. In so many fucking relationships. And I think after shabbi I’m just broken. I’m so angry at the way people think they can just do whatever they fuck they want for their own benefit and not give a shit how it affects other people. I’m sick of how selfish people are when I could never even think of treating people that way.

Anyway this started because I saw this post about how much better it got as an adult since being that scared sad teenager. And a lot of my life is so much better. I mean I’m not suicidal anymore so what more could you ask for. And I’ve made a lot of dreams come true. I’m proud of myself in a lot of ways but god if I had to look at my 17 year old self in the face right now and say hang on it gets better I would burst out into fucking tears. It does it true it gets better and I’m happy to be alive but Jesus fucking Christ this shit is so hard. Why am I the one that has to suffer from these awful peoples actions. Why am I the one with my career in jeopardy and still dating at 28 and still fucking sitting in my bed crying, listening to mayday parade, and writing on tumblr about how sad mark made me. Jesus fucking Christ. When does it end.

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I got in a fight with Tim before my weekend about how trying to meet all his expectations at work are impossible and it’s giving me so much anxiety I’m lashing out and I was like I literally did almost an entire weeks worth of work in 2 days and you didn’t even care and he said well I don’t care if the holdings are clean and the streams are clear that’s not the priority and I actually cried at the fact that all my effort wasn’t worth shit to him and he just saw it as stupid and a waste of time

Then today he tells me that he busted his ass trying to clean the holdings today because it’s so important they stay clean

I’m gonna lose my mind

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I deleted hinge and tinder

Hoping rachel stays

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Yeah I’m going to fall for rachel hard I think

She’s basically my dream girl it’s actually terrifying. I feel like we have the same outlook on how we want to live our lives and we have so much like core values and desires in common. Like we both want to move to Oregon and get a basically a homestead with goats and chickens and spend our lives traveling and spending time with our friends and idk I just love spending time with her

We went on a date yesterday and it was honestly one of the cutest days of my life. We went to the aquarium and microdosed shrooms and just had so much fun looking at everything and we ran into my friend who works there who gave us a behind the scenes tour then we made out under the octopus dome and it was honestly just really sweet. We were gonna go to coney island after but her cat got out so we went back to get him and ended up watching twilight. While we were watching we heard her neighbor playing guitar and singing on the roof, so we went outside and smoked and caught fireflies while he played for us. we even asked him to play a twilight song and then we’re kissing while we plays a thousand years and it was so romantic and gay I could puke but not really because it was so so sweet and even if this doesn’t go where I want it to that’s going to be such a beautiful memory. But I really hope it works out. We tried to watch new moon but ended up fucking instead and our chemistry is just so incredible. She’s the first one that’s ever called out Denton now that I’ve been going by it and that was pretty special ngl lmaooo but it was also just so fucking hot and she keeps saying how she loves how I fuck her and I honestly could cum just from touching her. I just can’t believe she actually likes me so much like she’s goddess level beautiful and this impressive ass person who has done such cool things and she wants to go down on me????? Idk I just have not felt a connection like this in a really long time and I’m glad it’s reciprocated. I’m really going to try to hang on to her. She just told me she wishes I was sleeping over again and I literally would drive to Brooklyn right now just to kiss her goodnight. I can’t get ahead of myself but I really want this to work. And she says she does too

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Just had a dream where I went in to work on my day off and I forget what started to make me cry but I was crying so I took a second then went back to work but was still upset then reptile Andrew came over to tell me that he thought I was faking it just so I could get out of doing work for a few minutes even tho I came in on my day off to help out and I told him he was disgusting and making false assumptions as a boss that could negatively impact my career and basically everything I’ve been planning on saying to Tim in real life but it gave me a panic attack in the dream and i woke up shaking and now I’m having stress dreams about work