pepprs

[pepprs]

hi, everyone. i hope you all are doing well. i’ve been meaning and wanting to check in here for many months but i have also been too afraid to. but i want to do it now because im potentially at a turning point and i want you all (especially close friends and mutuals who i haven’t talked to in a long time) to know what’s going on because unfortunately i do not have the strength to reach out individually right now, as much as i desperately want to.

when i left this place a year ago my depression was extremely bad. i didn’t know how long i was going to be gone or whether i was leaving for good, but i knew i needed to make some changes in my life before i could be here healthily again. well… 2024 has been a year of IMMENSE change for me! a lot of it has been for the good. i made some progress in my life by moving out, and i’ve had a lot of joy and healing in (very slowly) building a home for myself and figuring out what kind of life i want to live and how i want to live it. (im learning how to drive! i have string lights and stuffed animals and a wii! i am capable of solo travel!)

but… a lot of the changes that have happened this year have been for the worse. in almost every respect 2024 has been one of the most difficult and painful years of my life (and that is saying something!). this year a couple of traumatic things have happened to me and around me, and it has been extremely hard to live my life despite and beyond them. i have been dealing with physical and mental health issues that have greatly impacted my quality of life and make it unbearably difficult for me to get through every day. i am constantly running on negative spoons. one of the most damaging outcomes of this is that i have almost completely withdrawn from society both online and off and that is not an exaggeration. ive stopped talking to all of my friends and family except for people i see every day at work. i impulsively isolate myself when im in pain / distress despite knowing both emotionally and logically that it makes literally everything worse and i don’t know how to (and often can’t muster the mental strength to) work through the shame and grief and anxiety to seek connection and support. and im struggling to take care of myself including physically and its having severe consequences in every aspect of my life and in the lives of people who care about me. i live alone and i still think that was the good and right choice for me to make, but i am profoundly and agonizingly lonely. my depression was extremely bad when i left here, but i think despite everything it might be even worse now.

all of this is to say: this week i finally decided i can’t suffer like this anymore, and i began the process of seeking a formal diagnosis for my depression and other mental health issues and exploring additional treatment beyond talk therapy (most likely meds but there may be other things too / instead; still at the very beginning stages of figuring it all out). i am extremely anxious about many dimensions of this but also hopeful that it will help me hurt less because when i tell you at this point my brain and heart physically ache from depression like 85% of every day…. lol. im really hoping that once i get my mental / emotional pain under control i’ll be able to start tending to the parts of my life that have withered while ive suffered and repair the damage of my neglect as best i can. (which is to say… if you’re my friend and you’re reading this please know i love you and i miss you terribly and i am so sorry we haven’t spoken and i am so sorry im telling you this in a tumblr post you may not even read instead of a reply or a call back. i still love you and i want you to know it is not you specifically i am ghosting, its everyone. i am trying to build the strength and im scared i can’t but i hope i can.)

that said… i have decided i am not going to be coming back to this blog. i miss this place and the community i felt connected to here, but the way i was using this website as a public diary was extremely unhealthy, and as much as i miss it and still crave the instant comfort/validation i see clearly now with months of distance how damaging it was. (i truly cannot believe i was oversharing like that lol i am so private now (yes due largely to mental illness but still!)) i am so grateful to everyone who reassured me when i was struggling and celebrated my successes. this was the first place, online or off, where i (misguidedly but it’s true!) could actually be honest and candid about things happening in my life and my reactions to them instead of communicating it all through metaphors in my art and poetry, and it truly mattered that i had that experience here so that i could seek out more spaces like it in my offline life. i know i already said thank you in a previous update but really… thank you. 💗🫂

im not planning on deleting this blog. i may come back here and share updates like this one from time to time, but otherwise i will leave it as it is. but… i do want to get back to using a few of my fandom-centered sideblogs because looking at and compiling art of things i like is a low-energy thing that makes me happy! so you may see activity there every once in a while (tbh during this hiatus i have opened tumblr from time to time to look at art and save a bunch of posts that i wanted to reblog eventually lol). but… if i notice myself slipping back into bad habits i may private the sideblogs or abandon them completely.

i don’t know how to end this post. actually wait yes i do. one of my all time favorite artists is anna-laura sullivan (@/annalaura_art on instagram) and this is one of my all time favorite drawings of hers (so much so that i made it my lock screen so i can look at it every day!). this saying has brought me a lot of comfort and i hope it (and her other art) will bring you comfort too if you’re also in a dark place.

one more thing: not to be kind of a freak but in writing this post i discovered a longer version of my goodbye post from last year in my drafts. i don’t remember why i didn’t post it and obviously it’s outdated now but i want to share the draft because i went into more detail about tumblr having been helpful for me specifically when it comes to my mutuals + info / disclaimers about how to reach me and i want you guys to hear that in my past self’s voice lol! i put it under the cut if you want to read it!

2023 tess said it best: i hope you know how much it’s meant to me to be in your company. thank you for sharing and thank you for listening. i love you. happy [almost] new year. be well. good luck. shine bright. until we meet again ☕️🐈🫂💗

[pepprs]

hi and happy march! i hope everyone is doing well. a couple tiny updates:

i still haven’t remade, created a substack / tinyletter or whatever, etc. and once again i don’t know if i will or actually want to. for right now im actually kinda leaning against it; maybe just poking in here and saying hi on the first day of every month is enough! (though i don’t want to promise that i’ll make this a regular thing — maybe fully cutting myself off from social media is truly what i need to do and will do eventually — but im finding that opening the apps once every few days and then doing a tiny monthly update on here does feel like a healthily constrained yet enjoyable thjng to do rn. so maybe i will lean into that for as long as it feels good to.)

february was an unexpectedly hard and hectic month for me: scary health issues (i had to go to the er 🤪 i think im ok or at least will be soon but there are still some unknowns to figure out in the weeks ahead) and some intense work stuff. and / but… I HAVE MOVED OUT!!!!!!!! my apartment is a half-unpacked disaster and i am dealing with some absolutely brutal emotional backdraft from the whole experience lol but i feel so so so gratified and thankful to finally be in a situation where, for the first time in my life, i can truly begin to genuinely, stably, sustainably recover and thrive. it’s going to be a long journey with some pain and discomfort along the way, but i know it’ll be worth it 🥹 maybe i’ll find a healthy way to let you know how it goes!

i hope you’re all doing as well as you can be! im manifesting a marvelous march for my many magical mutuals 💗🫂🪄☕️🐈

[pepprs]

hi everyone! i hope january has been kind to you and that february will be even kinder. just a few quick updates:

i haven’t remade yet and honestly im thinking that i’m not going to (so if you reached out for my new url please know im not ignoring you!). ive opened the app and lurked a little from time to time but honestly not posting / generally staying away from tumblr and other social media has definitely made a noticeable difference w my mental health. i am still very much struggling w depression but spending majority of my time touching grass has genuinely helped a lot 🥲 i still have a LOT of recovery to do but ithink im in a much better place now than i was when i made that post last month and im (nervously) hopeful that i’ll never be in a headspace that dark again. as much as i miss it here and am sad to not be as in touch w my mutuals anymore, i really think it’s the best choice for me right now. but im still “here” and i may drop in from time to time to say hi just like im doing rn!

also i have a VERY exciting update i want to share: im finally moving out!!!!!!! into my own apartment!!!!!! in less than a month!!!!!!!!! im SO excited and scared and stressed and relieved and proud of myself. and even though im stepping away from tumblr for the foreseeable future and took this huge step without talking about it here, i truly couldn’t have done this w/o all of the encouragement and comfort so many of you have given me over the years when i needed it most. it feels overdramatic / cringe / etc to say in part bc it was an unhealthy coping mechanism for me to share it all and seek relief in the way i did, but im truly so grateful to everyone who has borne witness to the some of the hardest and most formative moments along my journey. it hasn’t been an easy path at all but it has really, truly eased the hardship of it to know im not alone and there are ppl who have been through / are going through similar things. thank you for helping to light my way 💗 im considering starting a tinyletter / substack / etc (basically an email newsletter / blog) focused on what i will (hopefully) be learning and discovering as i build this new life for myself, so if you’re interested in that please send me an ask! again, im not sure if im actually going to do it… but just like w potentially making a new tumblr someday, i’ll send a link to anyone who’s interested if and when i do decide to go for it 🥹

that’s all for now! im wishing each of you a fabulous february 🫂❣️🐈☕️

[pepprs]

Me..

[pepprs]

ive tried to write this post like 15 times in the last couple days and im just going to stop trying to word everything perfectly and whatever will come out will come out. i have been doing extremely badly depression wise lately (i am not in danger of doing anything to hurt myself and i have access to resources that can help me but i am. very not good right now) and took a break from social media to try to process and recuperate. i haven’t recovered yet but i did decide that i need to step away from using this blog and being on social media generally. at some point in the next few weeks im planning to make a new blog that i intend to use in healthier ways. if you’re interested in following me there please send me an ask and i’ll reach out to you with the url once im ready (it might take a while!). (no pressure to stick around / refollow if you don’t want to though!) i might end up deleting this blog or leaving tumblr altogether depending on what happens, and if i do either of those things i’ll try to let everyone know beforehand.

thanks for reading! happy new year 🫂💗

[pepprs]

right now on earth there’s a kindly old stray tomcat who just got adopted and he’s receiving enough food to fill his belly for the first time in his entire life and he’s so so so happy and he doesn’t even know that it’s going to be like this forever :)

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We’d be mutuals in every lifetime

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big fan of when emotions are converted into magic

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obsessed with this genre of images

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hi physically disabled black woman here would anyone like to help me i have a fucking dollar

i need money for painkillers and food you know how it is uhuhhhh huhhh lalala

[pepprs]

hi everything sucks and is so expensive and i am Scared (16.11.23)

hi im remaking my post because im still struggling and donations have stalled.

i just lost my job recently that allowed me to actually live a semi okay lifestyle and my new job pays way less and gives me way less hours (im talking like 5 hours a week currently) and i havent heard back from any of my other applications.

im really, really struggling right now as my employment plans fell through and i dont have any support with this. im struggling really bad with debt ive had to take on to pay for food, transport, medication, medical appointments, and new work clothes (my new workplace has a simpler uniform but a uniform nonetheless)

ive been hospitalized multiple times in the past few months which have also cost me significant amounts of money and energy. my therapist has quit, i cannot find new healthcare providers, and i am in absolute shambles trying to find a workplace that will give me enough hours to survive while also not physically trying to murder my chronically ill ass

centrelink is not helping me right now, and im pretty fucked, and freaking the fuck out a little, and i really really need some help. if youre willing and able to help out a disabled indigenous transbi person trying to actually function and survive til i get my next job. like please.

i draw if anyones interested in any of that and i can try and do sketches in appreciation for donations but its just. a bit of a dire fucking sitch tbh

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whatever (continues reblogging)

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Beryl and Ivy's Recovery and Replen Fund

12/1

reposting for the new month and testing to see if this actually posts:

we are still in need of help!!! my wife is going to need support with transportation to and from classes/work, and i am going to need help covering the rest of our expenses until more money comes in (direct contributions help, as does support on ko-fi and patreon) . we mainly need help with getting stuff off our registry (which you can find here), especially things marked most wanted. thanks so much for reblogging+your support!

[pepprs]

waving is so cute. literally hi

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soemthing about the 🫂 emoji is so viscerally warm to me. despite its blue color pallete. you can feel the warmth radiating off of it. the love. the care. this is the closest to a hug anything virtually simulating it has ever made me feel tbh