#participants feel a type of way about us. and i know i am being a fragile sensitive crybaby over it but i have had terrible cramps all day

[gamorahww]

Elphaba being attracted to Fiyero as well, is the why she suddenly is attracted to him in the musical that bothers me because it feels like a rushed way to deny what was already stablished between her and Glinda, and the fact they take away from Fiyero's identity in the book too (...) I'm talking about the writers only using him to hide Gelphie's intense relationship in the musical, because if they hadn't, the tension wouldn't be as easy to dissolve.

Please show me, where in the text was Elphaba ever attracted to Glinda. I'll wait.

But you know what, going by the movie example (I understand you had probems with that as well) do we really think that Cynthia Erivo, a queer woman is participating in queer erasure? Do we think she was silenced? Do we think she is not a good enough actress to look at Glinda once in a way that conveys she is in love with her?

What was there to erase? Glinda trying to do a makeover for Elphaba? They way how her first reaction to her was to shame her for her look? For participating in ostracizing her? Bullying her? Emotionally manipulating her? Luring her into a trap by giving out her sister?

Fiyero in the musical is not Fiyero in the book. Fiyero is essentially Avaric from the book. Nothing else aligns with his book counterpart, not just his race, did you not notice that part? Have you not seen other adaptations, where two characters are morphed into one to serve a narrative purpose? We don't even have to go far for that, the movie does the reverse where Morrible is split into two characters for a similar reason, to serve the story they are telling.

in the book

Look. The way how you and other people bring up the book, when talking about the musical is very similar to what some people do about the Bible. They bring it up, when it proves their point, and when it's convenient. You can't cherry pick what stays and what goes then, because then its just your preference, isnt it?

This reasoning always baffled me. How far back should we go then? Because by this logic, why is Elphaba green, when she is not green in the LFB book? You just chose to harp on whatever is bothering you.

Also you are saying that Gelphie is not less subtext now... That is exactly what I'm saying, that's my point, that we are still only leaving it to be buried into subtext to this day.

I very much get being frustrated by this. Queerness is nothing to be ashamed of, and I do not accuse you, or anyone else on the Gelphie side with "the gay agenda". I am in a lesbian relationship - we also started out as roommates ironically.

We deserve stories that are not hidden in the subtext. But just because that happened some of the time, doesn't mean every single story between two women is necesarily a lesbian relationship.

Even from your posts and comments, its very clear that you come at it from this place of feeling like someone wants to take something away from you, and that is largely the result of the type of media we grew up with and the world we live in. And it really sucks.

But in the year of our lord 2025, we have many queer stories, and I personally am so done with fishing for subtext.

And what hurts me for one, is seeing Gelphies leaving negativity about Jonathan Bailey, who as a gay man recently received mutliple awards nominations for a groundbreaking queer, honest TV show called Fellow Travellers. And they accuse this man of taking part in "queer erasure" on screen for Wicked. And I honestly think that is unhinged, deranged behavior.

Also what the fuck ? Why do you bring my mental health? Like I never said anything personal about anybody, but you decide to do a rude comment for me as a person over a ship discourse when I never attacked anything personal about anybody? That seems rather low of you if you ask me.

*sigh* You said you felt attacked. I don't want you to feel bad, if I can help it. I was genuinely saying that I hope you feeling attacked by the discourse has no negative implications for you. I mean that.

And the thing is, years back when I was in this fandom, I never got into Fiyeraba spaces, never said anything and they never said anything back, it was peaceful, but since new fiyeraba fans decided to be insufferable, this is mostly directed at new fiyeraba fans, not the old ones, because at least the old ones weren't acting self righteous and condescending, if they were at all, but new ones are being insufferable about it.

I've literally seen people redrawing ALAYM as a Gelphie scene and calling Fiyero "strawdick". Not sure what the terrible looks like on your end, but Gelphies are pretty damn insufferable as well.

this was mainly about how Gelphie was left to be buried in subtext and musical Fiyero was WRITTEN to be a way to hide it

Can you please cite a source for this? Any?

Because as far as I can see, Rent came out years before Wicked, and it's full of queerness in the text itself and it was huge. I'm not sure why some people try to paint Broadway at that time was this homophobic hellscape.

Also what.. Fiyeraba is not a straight ship? You people would do anything, but ship an actual queer ship because Excuse me? Saying a relationship between a woman and a man is not straight?

No, actually. One or two bisexual people in a relationship are in fact not a straight ship. They are queer. To say othervise is to erase their identity and dismiss their sexuality.

I know we joke about it, about how they cut the scenes between Elphaba and Glinda because they were too gay, about them being played very fruity and shit, but it always rubs me the wrong way that it still is left into this terrain of deniability or uncertainty that the jokes feel bitter sweet now, like they were willing to cut a crucial scene of character development for Glinda and Elphaba that was essential for their relationship in the movie because it was too suggestive on the romantic intentions of it, and regardless of what they say publicly is very obvious why they cut it, so I'm genuinely heartbroken about how Wicked still cowards away from it's queerness, and unfortunately it does make me inevitably lack some sort of respect for it.

Did I love the movie? Yes, but in such a way where I feel bitter about it.

I adore it the same way I do a show, as book Elphaba would say, it is a theatrics, yes and it is a beautiful spectacle, but it is just that, a spectacle, that never fully commits. Don't get me wrong, the musical has its merits, but there's this insatisfaction, this conformity this fear of being more that leaves me feeling unsatisfied when it's over, and not because it's a tragedy, but because it feels shallower than it's book counter part.

Because the book, as much as it also only suggests, it never cowards away from how weird and queer it is and never uses a veil of heterosexuality to cover up Glinda's and Elphaba's unsaid romance, (basically the existence of musical Fiyero), the book suggests Gelphie and let's it linger to become real for those with enough sensibility to comprehend it, enhancing the romance that never flourished, but the musical is just the same cowardice it so blatantly criticizes, and for that it may never actually gain my respect the same way the book has done before.

There's much I could say about how the musical just downright destroys its original material for the sake of making the audience comfortable, without actually being this revolutionary piece of media it calls itself to be, but I am frankly tired. Sadly the movie commits quite a lot of the same mistakes as the musical, and that's why I can't love it like I wish I did, it hurts more knowing the movie had the opportunity to change it yet didn't and I'm not only talking about Gelphie, I'm talking about many other things, Fiyero himself as well, because if you look closer, it seems as though the movie tries to fix it, to rewrite what was once a butchering of the original material, but it never commits, too afraid to diverge, because committing would mean to let the queerness and the uncomfortable topics flourish in the text if ever so lightly, but they can't have that, so the movie is between this very thin line between trying to be faithful to the musical and wanting to improve it, but never achieving either perfectly for it's fear of commitment. I didn't expect it to be a book one on one because it is first and foremost a musical adaptation, but they had a chance to bring what was only subtext into text and they threw it away. I want to hope that in part two they will improve it and I still hold onto said hope because the movie also does a lot of things right, but they cling so desperately to such mediocre romance between Fiyero and Elphaba and such waste of narrative that it is for the three of this characters with Glinda that it's so pathetic, why are they so attached to such mediocre 2000s stereotypical straight love triangle is beyond me, obviously if you read between the lines it is more than that, but it's subtext, like it always has been.

So yeah, as much as I adore the musical now movie as the spectacle of theater it is, it will never gain my respect the same way the book does, it feels like being gaslighted and manipulated just for there to be people who say "what? No you're seeing things".

And it's sad because you'd think we're on a day and age that has the ability to do this, to make what was once buried subtext, text, but it doesn't, and it may never will, but whatever had happened between Glinda and Elphaba was real to me, and real to them in a way beyond their comprehension and their control and time, it was then, what went unsaid that became buried for us who seek.

Also before the movie, there was never this amount of stupid discourse between Gelphie and Fiyeraba shippers, maybe because most of the fandom was a Gelphie shipper because well what we couldn't get from the mainstream we sought in the community, but now that so many straight people are joining in they not only feel threatened by the overwhelmingly queer community, but they actively want to shame it.

And although I do think Fiyeraba is boring, made there too be palatable so the straights don't get mad and shit, and to hide the intense level of tragedy that is Gelphie, I never bothered to mess with the Fiyeraba shippers before or give much though to them because there was no need, but suddenly they feel the need to be so annoying and homophobic and have some gotcha moment because their ship is the one that ends up together and all I can say is ... What a superficial way of viewing the story, because Wicked is a tragedy and that part is in itself a tragedy, but I digress, I don't want to hate on Fiyero it's not even worth it, but people will do anything to hate Glinda, without understanding her character, praise a male character clearly written to be a narrative device for Elphaba more than his own character, a cheap attempt at writing a Glinda that does abide by Elphaba's narrative necessities, then they bring down a queer ship and act self righteous about it while also being discretely homophobic. Like the irony, they feel so self-righteous about it too is ridiculous.

Talking about irony, it's funny because if musical Fiyeraba shippers read the book I might actually say, yeah book Fiyeraba has its merit and I agree Fiyero meant as much to Elphaba as Glinda IN THE BOOK, but they don't even bother reading it. They can't even grasp Glinda's musical complexity I doubt they'd understand the book, but I'm being bitter and pretentious.

Oh and everything they did to Fiyero is a blasphemy, book Fiyero has my appreciation.

This already lasted way too long, but I couldn't stay quiet about it anymore because I had never felt so attacked on what was once a really safe fandom for queer people specially sapphic/queer women

[moinsbienquekaworu]

The struggle between being happy that all kinds of aspecs are talking about aspec experiences more and barely being able to stand the way people talk about aspec experiences

[pepprs]

hi update things are fucking terrible and my eyes hurt from sobbing. lol

[sapphicdib]

I am sure you are all aware of the current state of the fandom. I have done my best to avoid all of the controversy, but seeing how others have voiced their concerns I would like to as well.

I, as an artist, do not feel safe in the Rain World fandom.

I have expressed this in the past, but I have been the victim of false pedophile and grooming allegations with the use of manipulated and doctored screenshots. I do not have the words to articulate just how psychologically damaging it is to have an entire fandom turn on you in an instant. To have your social life destroyed. To have hundreds or even thousands of people celebrate your downfall, simply because you annoyed them, because now they have a "reason" to. Watching this fandom gleefully parade around shaky evidence and happily participate in this type of behavior is sickening to me. It makes me worry that someday, I will annoy someone enough to have another false allegation made against me, and I will have to go through that again. There is a part of me that believes I would not survive such a thing. I am not trying to be dramatic when I say that, but people need to realize that "internet drama" can cause serious harm your mental health. I still have PTSD nightmares related to the callout post made about me from 3 years ago. This is not something you can just “get over”.

People need to remember fanartists are not paragons of grace, nor are they perfect. The fact that the internet has allowed people to dehumanize artists into "content machines" that must never slip up rather than human beings who are messy and awkward and can fuck up at times is sickening. I do not feel comfortable in a fandom that jumps at the opportunity to harass someone over a mistake, that stirs up a witchunt over what boils down to miscommunications. A fandom that treats every situation as black and white and doesn't wait for all the evidence to come out.

I believe nyuuronfly put it best in their post:

"It is not inspiring to sit around and get attention in an atmosphere where the more attention you get the more you know many of the eyes that are looking toward you are searching for a weak point to go after."

I understand revealing a lot of my trauma in this post is a potentially stupid decision, but I believe my story can help make people realize the genuine harm callout posts cause. It is not fun having to deal with constant paranoia that hundreds of people are praying on your downfall. I have considered not posting about, or simply deleting my rot au many times because of worry that someone will think it's too “dark�� or “problematic” and decide I am the fandom's #1 punching bag for months.

As of now, I will not be deleting, nor will I stop posting art. But I have considered it many times, and this behavior as of late brought me the closest I've ever been to doing so. I love rain world and frankly, I don't want to feel this way about the fandom! I want this place to be positive, I want better for this game. I'm not mad, just disappointed.

TL;DR:

PLEASE for the LOVE OF GOD stop reblogging callout posts.

Fanartists are PEOPLE. They are giving you FREE art. Treat them better.

You are not immune to false screenshots, mob mentality, and black and white thinking.

Rain world is a gorgeous, creative, and deeply moving game. Please, let's work to make this community reflect that.

[bi-writes]

If you have time I am kindly asking for Simon and the teams POV on the arranged marriage fic!! Like why they put that ad out! I also think they’re silly for doing the whole ceremony in their gear 👉👈

the arrangement prequel

it wasn't much of a choice. ghost knew this was coming, knew this might happen--disciplinary action from the increasingly...unorthodox ways he was coming back from an op.

one too many times, a capture or kill became looking for the pieces of their target scattered across the field. an accident on the way back to interrogation--he doesn't know how his blade ended up embedded in their mark's throat. he misfired his gun--it's too bad it went straight through that prisoner's forehead.

disobeying without saying no. taking matters into his own hands without exactly defying the rules. ghost had been walking along the boundary line for a long while, and he knew eventually someone would realize the risks he was taking.

it was kate's idea. ghost needed something to chew on, something to satiate the hunger in his bones. a companionship, is what she tells price, but even he knew that was a stretch. anything given to ghost would surely be shredded apart on impact. anything that belongs to him ends up tucked underneath layers of shadows, not to be seen again.

but ghost is the best at what he does. all kate needs is for him to fucking listen once in a while.

when they ride back in the humvee, ghost is fiddling with the chamber of his pistol when price speaks up.

"got somethin' new," he says, looking into the rearview mirror. the sergeants shuffle a little closer to hear him. "new program between CIA and SAS. pilot program, not...exactly routine. but they'd like one of you lot to be the first to participate."

"what is it?"

price clears his throat, "the legality is a grey area. but both parties need to be willing."

"spit it out, cap'n."

"an arrangement of sorts," he says finally. "it's...not a secret 's hard to keep a bird with the things we do...always away, hard to reach. but you're the best at what you do, and i think if you take it seriously, it could be good for one of ya."

soap snorts. "cap'n, ye wanna play matchmaker with us? see if we're worthy of little bonnie spies?"

price snorts, rolling his eyes, "i need you to set an example, is what i need. i need one of you to step forward."

ghost looks up when he says that. his eyes flicker, and he looks at his captain, who keeps his eyes on the road as he drives. he hears what price doesn't say. this is your punishment, he imagines. and you will take it and not say a word, like the lieutenant that you are.

in the dark of his room later that evening, he opens the file with your name typed across the front. CONFIDENTIAL it reads, and he flips the manila folder to spread your profile out onto the desk.

you're smiling in the first photo. it's a headshot, from high school maybe, from college, a pretty photo of you beaming at a camera with a nice background. he eyes your height, weight, measurements, the skills they've identified and the answers to your questions about why you want to participate in the program.

Q: What kind of partner are you looking for? A: Resistant. Unmovable. Loyal.

Q: Why do you want to participate in this program? A: I'm tired of being disappointed.

Q: What are some of the qualities you possess you would like your partner to know about you? A: I'm not afraid of what I don't know.

short answers, straight to the point. affirmative and honest, with no room for interpretation. ghost doesn't need interpretation; he knows what it is you're saying.

when he looks back at your picture, he brings it closer, narrowing his eyes as he studies you. the smile you wear, while beautiful, isn't real. it's a persona, a ruse, a costume that you wear to put the outside world at ease. you understand that a smile makes you agreeable, but he knows, somehow he knows, that there must be a tick that you feel that no one is able to quiet, an anger and a lilt to the soft voice you must speak in that carries the weight of your defiance and your disappointment with everything the world is that you thought it wouldn't be.

ghost isn't told that the program is a lie. you aren't an operative for the CIA, you aren't some kind of spy in need of company. when he reads the rest of your file, he is amused because he knows the rest is made-up bullshit that doesn't apply to you. you are as civilian as they come, but with how well you lie, he wonders if you should be recruited just for that.

with just a little training, he thinks perhaps you might be everything your country needs and more. a little blood wouldn't scare you.

it's weeks later when ghost eyes the date on his calendar. he has marked it with an X, black marker haphazardly traced there to indicate the day. he told price he doesn't want bells and whistles--no music, no men, no party. an unmarked room and his bride is all that is necessary.

he steps outside to smoke a cigarette. he sucks on it gently, blowing it out to the side, and he eyes the car that pulls onto base carefully. when price steps out of the drivers' seat, ghost stubs out the cigarette and turns the corner. he catches a glimpse of a lace veil before he disappears.

and when he steps into the room hours later, your back to him, he can't help the way his pupils dilate and the way his body goes rigid with rage. there you are, standing there, in white silk and lace, your back to him but the picture of elegance and the presence of something honestly deserving.

it is only when he lifts the veil off of your face and sees those eyes that he understands what you are, what you wear.

a façade, a beautiful mask of your own, to cover up the ugly you hold on the inside.

he smiles under the mask when you kiss him over the fabric. because fuck, yes...he doesn't care where you have come from. he doesn't care that they lied about who you are, that they didn't tell him the truth, that in all honesty, they have given you to die and you don't know it--he doesn't care because it worked, at least for him. the finest flesh he has ever set his eyes on. he cannot wait to brand you for what you are worth.

if they meant to punish him for the crimes he has committed, he is sorry. because you are his reward, and there is no hell to pay.

[plmp0]

The Sex Love house PT1

Summary: Welcome to the love house where a lot of stories will infold, 7 participants will have a chance to live together in the same house for a mounth while still doing their normal activities, will they find real love in this short period? Or at least this is what ur friend want u to believe.

Genre: smut (that's really it) PT 2

Warning: a very manipulative!jay, manipulative!sunghoon, manipulative!heeseung, everyone is a perv in this house, reader is clueless, shameless reader, kinda stalker reader, Siyeon (from dreamcatcher) is also part of this, this is a pure filth, explicit content.

Smut warning: hand!job, degradation, humiliation, fingering, use of toys, semi-public sex....

When ur friend invited u to participate in this variety show u had no idea u'll accept let alone to find urself in a situation where u r thorn away between all this people. -how is that even possible? How can you feel this way about that many people? But again ur heart had other words…. "what do u mean u want me to particiapte in ur dating show?" U questionned ur friend from 6 years Yeri as she said while playing it cool : please do that for me! (Fake pout) we need more female participants, we didn't find ones that will be suitable for tv!

You looked at her in disbelief "and u think i am? Yeri who are u kidding? U know more than anyone that m not the type that is comfortable around cameras." Yeri sighed but insisted non the less trying to convince u no matter what "please y/n m begging u! We want to start filming before winter comes, and i promise there is a lot of handsome men u'll not regret it." "No, m not interested." Was all u said before leaving her to take a cab. Even after a week of Yeri's begging, u always declined her offer whenever she opens her mouth, u had a lot of stuff to do, work has never been easy to deal with and plus u don't have time to even take care of urself because once u get home from work u pass out on ur bed immediately and what ? She expects u to come from work and chat with random people and try to find love? (U chuckle deep into ur thoughts) "ahhh Yeri what am i gonna do with u?". U mumble to urself ignorant that ur co-worker and ur friend Jungwon is standing behind u. Jungwon:I suppose Yeri is on something again? U let a scream startled not noticing his presence until he spoke: Omg u scared me! U said through wide eyes pouting ur lips when everyone started looking at ur direction. Jungwon laughed his dimples deep in his cheeks making ur heart warm up from how cute he looks: I can never get enough from ur dramatic ass y/n. U hit his shoulder playfuly acting offended: yaa it's not that m dramatic it's just that u keep showing up without a noise so it's normal for me to be scared!. Jungwon nodded his head pretending to buy ur words: yeah yeah whatever (he paused for a second, sitting next to u) so what was the Yeri thing that u didn't want to tell me about? (He looked at u curiousity shouting from his eyes). U droped the file u were working on leaning on ur chair: You know, Yeri and her team are starting a dating show and they had less participants than they expected so she asked me to join them , ridicilous right? Jungwon didn't let a single word out, noticing that, u turned to look at him finding him not acting sus at all, u raise ur eyebrow calling his name: Jungwon? Why aren't u saying something? Jungwon coughed looking everywhere but at you:emm-…. woah? Really? Yeri did? Isn't that a good idea? U stare at him a "wtf look" over ur face: it's ur idea isn't it. Jungwon: listen i- U cutted him short immediately: Did u think that i would say yes? Like i don't get that, don't u guys know me so well? I would never say yes to something like that?. Jungwon: but why? Like it's really fine, beside u've been single for three years don't u miss being in a relationship?. U answered annoyed: No i don't and even if i do i wouldn't do it that way. Jungwon raised his left brow: ahah? And how would u do it?. U paused to think not knowing how to answer: idk, i want it to come naturally and not force it. (U shrugg). Jungwon stood up from his seat eyes still on u: but u don't know maybe there is someone from the participants that u might know. U looked at him smiling suspeciously" ahah? Is that the case? Who would be there then? U? "( u laughed at ur own word not buying what he is saying). But what u didn't know is that something worst than ur "joke" happened in real life, getting annoyed from Yeri's consistent pleads Jungwon decided to join her , they turned ur days into nightmares making u not wanting to go out at all.

So deciding to give it a shot u said yes to Yeri more to rest ur head from her nagging than being excited to join this show. It was about time u go to the "love house" as they call it cringing at the name whenever u remember it, u kept shaking ur legs, nervous about this whole situation, regretting to say yes when the taxi u decided to take to the location had a camera right on ur face, making u uncomfortable, u started tugging on ur not so long purple dress, ur hair styled for the first time in a mounths, u wished this ride to end fastly and that they cancel this show but much to ur disapointement the taxi driver kept calling u to notify that u've arrived. Sighing nervously u paid him giving him a little thank u before getting ur luggage and closing the door, u stood out in front of the house admiring how big and luxiourious it looks, stepping upward u noticed a camera man at the gate signaling u to be fast, u scoff annoyed , opening the door while carrying ur heavy stuff looking with wide eyes at the beautiful garden in front of u ,

Arriving to the actual door u stood there confused at what to do "should i knock? Or ring the bel?" Staying there for minutes one of the directors told u frasturated to just open it, u gave him a fake smile apologizing awkwardly before opening the door and stepping inside. The fancy mirror in the entrance was so elegant and clean for u to not check urself, u adjusted ur hair and lipstick noticing how it faded and only a small tint is left behind " i just want one thing to work for me." U scoffed getting ur lipstick out and putting on another layer, before ur ears caught a faint of sounds from people talking, u furrowed ur eyebrows u thought u were the first one to arrive but it looks like it's not the case. Hearing that, u hurried leaving ur stuff in there, and following the sound until ur feet lead u to a nice decorated room, too focused on the decor u didn't notice the eyes that were on u until u finished scaning the room. You widen ur eyes looking at the two familiar faces smirking at u "what? Why are you here?" When u came here u didn't think that ur hot neightbour and one of ur clients would be in the show as well. Heeseung (ur neighbour) looked at you enjoying ur reaction upon seeing him "hey little doll." Unable to let a word out, Jay spoke before u with amusement in his tone "Was not expecting to see us here now did u?" U dropped ur bag feet barely keeping u up u started to panick ain't no way these two are here, no u r not on the same show with them!

U screemed at Yeri on top of ur head not knowing how to react after the director told u to do something and stop freezing on ur spot, u coughed a little bit awakening urself before u sat in the corner away from both of them, u gave them an awkward smile pretending like u don't know them at all. Heeseung kept the cocky smile on his face knowing exectly how hot he his and that u might have something for him by the way u kept looking at him from ur window whenever he is on ur line of sight, he has caught u multiple times staring at him from his mirror and couldn't help but admire how cute u looked trying to hide with ur curtain thinking that he wouldn't see u, but he did!. Jay on the other hand loved the way ur face turns red whenever he spoke to u in ur work meetings, ur shyness, the way u try to avoid his gaze everytime u felt his eyes on u, it just that u look so delicious for him to ignore u and not tease u. U were sitting there regretting all of ur life choices so embarassed for some reasons that it had to be these two specificly , not even one of them, but both? Woah u wouldn't survive here for sure! U can sense them tearing u appart with their eyes, u couldn't help but fan urself praying that the next contenstant enter now, and she did "Joy" as u've heard about her in the magazines, she is a very famous and beautiful model, has worked with so many known labels, u were surprised to see her in front of u fangirling inside rather than being intimidated by her presence, u scaned her outfit, a short white skirt with pleaths, with a yellow crop top that shows her cleavage, her hair was styled up in a ponytail, her makeup is done perfectly, she looked so beautiful u were drooling. Standing up to say hi, she looked ur way her smile getting bigger as she held her hand to shake urs directing her words to everyone in the room hi , nice to meet u m joy." She said to everyone in the room, the guys nodded at her introducing themselves and turned their gaze to u immediatly. Pressure, so much pressure u r feeling right now, it's almost suffocating the vibe in this room ! The silence not helping it at all. Before Joy can say something to lighten the mood the door opened and ur eyes opened wide with it , seeing sunghoon one of the people that u can't help it but feel embarrassed around giving that one situation u had with him (oh nooo ) u said to urself, it was as if this cast was selected on purpose to make fun of u. U gulped as he approached, white shirt tight on his body, tucked nicely in his pants getting his so very nice black locks away from his face, He looks…. majestic. Stopping in the middle of the room he said hi to everyone and took a seat next to you making u scream in your head, he turned ur way looking at u with a cocky grin: we met again little one. U were hopping that he doesn't remember u , that he forgot completly about ur existance, but looks like it's not the case. U see ur story with Sunghoon started in ur collage years, u were so frustrated after all ur exams and the teasing of heeseung (even when he wasn't doing anything) u head to a very far bathroom sure that almost nobody used it before closing the door and started getting off, moaning at ur pervet thoughts about heeseung not noticing that someone else was in the bathroom as well it's not until u got out of the bathrooms section and were going to the sinks to wash ur hand that u saw sunghoon standing there with shoock looking at u like u were some kind of pervet

u were ready to die at that moment, not knowing what to do ur head told u to ran away immediately and from that moment u did everything u could to avoid Sunghoon's presence, whenever u saw him heading some way u made sure to go in the opposite until u graduated and stopped seeing him. But here he is sitting so close to u, ur thighs are touching ,u were sure that by this time ur face is so red, ur hands got so sweaty from anxiety , u stopped hopping for the other contestants afraid that someone else u know is gonna enter. Joy was making sure to get rid of the awkwardness asking about your MBTI and stuff and that really helped to relieve ur stress a little bit. The next girl came, her name is "Siyeon", she was wearing a tight leather dress with high boots, her hair red and her eye makeup was so intense, out of everyone here she was definetly the most intimidating one!. She said hi sitting in ur opposit direction eyes checking u out, u couldn't help it but feel like she looks familiar "where have i seen her before?" But u couldn't remember, u felt uneasy by the way she was staring at u, somehow this room keeps getting hotter the more people come, u just wanted a breath but NO whenever u look someway ur eyes meet someone's so u just ended up looking down. The last contestant was late, the staff told you that they will come for diner and suggested to chose rooms to carry your luggage to. There was 6 rooms, 3 for the guys and 3 for the ladies. You didn't know how to choose so you just did that randomely, one of the three rooms is for 2 people. You went to the room they choose for you smiling at the cozy vibes you got from it, you closed your eyes after tossing yourself on that bed, tired already and you just started. "How am i gonna live with these people for a whole mounth ? Omg plz help me" You couldn't contain yourself from cursing Yeri and Jungwon who didn't even bother to show themselves or at least send you a text before you came her. ----> (Irey is Yeri btw)

You: U bitches i'll never forgive u! 😡 Irey:W-Whyyy??? 😶😶 You: U have the audacity to ask me why? You:Where are you? I have a lot of things to tell u! Irey:emm actually u won't see me there-…. "U furrowed ur brows at her reply, questionning wtf does she means" You :? Irey: ehem that … u know.. this is not the show we were working for. You: can u give me an understandble respond cause i don't get what you are saying. Irey: Actually one of my friends begged me to bring someone to the show, they promised to give us an interview with a very famous actor and i couldn't say no 🥺

You: Ahhhh Yeri, when i catch u Yeri ! Why would u lie to me like that u could of just told me the truth, do u know in what situation i am right now? Ffff good thing ur not here or i would of smacked that face of urs 😮‍💨. Irey: i knew u would say No, like u said it even though u thought the show is mine! So there was no way u'd say yes if i said it's for a friend. Also what situation are u talking about? 😶 You : m not telling u ! I need u to learn ur lesson first. I have to go now!.

U turned ur internet off sullking, ur head is spinning hopping that this room gets locked somehow and not oppen until 30 days passes. But as soon as u thought that, u heard a knock on ur door, curious as to who is there, u rushed only to open it in an almost shirtless heeseung only two of his bottons are closed his hair kind of messy his fucking smirk not leaving his face, u stayed there mouth open not knowing what to do, u have never once spoken to Heeseung before, he is someone u kept admiring and crushing on because u never been this close to him , and now that he is in front of u head leaning to reach ur height u can't help the aggressif heartbeat pounding in ur chest. Ahhh m doomed!

Heeseung moved some of ur hair to tack it behind ur ears, eyes on ur lips not even trying to hide that as his tongue darts on his. Heeseung whispered in ur ear making sure to awaken all of ur senses "i've been waiting to get close to u little doll." He moved away enjoying ur flustred face and the way ur eyes are fully open looking at his chest muscule. He chuckled enjoying how shameless u r not even saying a word and staring at him instead, he approached u more his index finger tracing ur neck "it looks like m not the only one who has been waiting for that ha?" Not knowing what to say u kept quiet inhaling his smell secretely ofc! Eyes closed, all of ur braincells stopped working. Heeseung has that much effect on u? U thought. He stepped out again looking at u amused he definetly didn't think u'd act this obvious in front of him, he thought u'd shake him off, try to avoid him maybe? But no, he was wrong. Nd god he loves it even more, seeing how u r acting when he hasn't even done nothing it got him aroused. Heeseung cleared his throath finally remembering why he came here "The staff are calling us to talk a little bit and have lunch, u can change and join us if u want." he said scanning ur short dress and how tight it is on ur body, fuck! He is going insane already! . U noded still affected to let a word out, he smiled at u and left. U closed the door head spining what is going on with u? U shake this feeling there was so much tension between both of you, u didn't know he'd look more handsome up this close, God, he is so ur ideal type… u've never meet someone close to ur ideal type before heeseung, so the moment he moved to ur neighborhood

the moment u saw him exit his house going god know where u couldn't help but gasp, butterflies running in ur stomache u felt an instant attraction, and from that moment u couldn't miss an opportunity to admire him, the fact that his room was in front of urs helped a lot, there was a lot of moment when he'd come home after the gym removing his shirt body all sweaty and abs defined, hair messy drinking a bottle of water, How hot can he get! Out of all the days of the week u were looking for the gym ones Heeseung always giving u a show.

Now that u r thinking about it the fact that u've never talked with each other until now is crazy, but u thanked god for that because if u did u'd be so down bad for him. Getting him out of ur head u changed into a more comfortable clothes, receiving a text that there will not be any dates out , so you can just chill and get to know each other , checking the mirror u stared at ur own reflection wearing a cute pink shorts with kitten paws and a white oversized tshirt, hair in a messy bun with some strands on ur face, u put ur lipgloss making sure that u look presentable, after 5 min of checking urself u got ur phone and headed down to the living room, almost everyone was already sitting , joy still in her previous outfit laughing with jay over something, siyeon in a black hoodie and sweatpants eating god knows what, heeseung in white top and grey sweatpants "oh god m feeling dizzy" staring at ur outfit with a side smile, Sunghoon nontheless is not here yet… u smiled awkwardly avoiding Heeseung and sitting between jay and Siyeon who is now looking at u.

Siyeon leaned to ur side "what was ur name? I didn't have a glimpse at it." You smiled at her while telling her ur name. Siyeon "Y/n! what a cute name for a cute girl like u. " She said looking at ur cute shorts with a smile U thanked her cheeks red after her comment, Joy somehow only noticing ur presence now "Ohhh Y/n u r here?" U noded as she gave u a piece of strawberry candy "here, have one." U took it u've been craving something sweet since this morning, u removed the wrapper and slid the candy between ur lips sensing 4 pair of eyes on you, u forrow not knowing at what they r staring but then Sunghoon enterend the room taking ur attention away, he changed to an outfit similar to heeseung but all in black , he noticed ur gaze bitting his lips as he sitted next to heeseung, both of them whispering between each other. Joy took this moment to talk "okayy so guys i wanted us to get to know each other better but i think it would not be great when another contestant will join us tonight so i figured out we save that for then." You nodded agreeing "yeah it's better that way." (u spoke still playing with the candy until a small drop of saliva got out) taking ur finger to catch it afraid it's gonna stain the couch u watch at siyeon catched it instead taking it to her lips, ur eyes widen at that not knowing what to do as she let out a hmm sound , u turned ur head pretending like u've not seen or heard anything as Joy started asking if we know how to cook. U answered immediately "Ohhhh m a bad cook." Laughing awkwardly afterwards, Joy smiled relating to u "so i am hahahhah" Jay leaned on the back of the couch manspreading hands carressing his forhead "m good at cooking i can help." U looked his way not expecting that he does and he met ur eyes grining "why? U thought i don't know how to?" Taken back from his sudden question to u, u answer stutering "N-no i- i just u know…." Not letting u finish ur words Jay let out a deep chuckle "i was just kidding relax."

Smiling u massage ur neck awkwardly as u bite on the candy finishing it. Ur eyes shifted to both heeseung and sunghoon who seems deep into their conversation quietely as they keep looking ur way, u looked at them confused and curious about what they r talking about and thanks for having Joy here she asked them "u guys seem like u know each other"

Heeseung smiled "Yeah Sunghoon is a very close friend of mine (he looked deep into ur eyes)hens he never hide something from me, he tells me everything. "Is he implying that he told him about me?"

Shocked u looked at Sunghoon to find him smirking at u, u started to panic no way he did right?. U felt uneasy the whole time, not beeing able to concentrate in their discussions head wandering whether heeseung knows now or not. Sensing something off Jay reached ur thigh hand hanging there while asking if something is wrong, u flinched from his touch "ohh noo no m fine just hungry."

U lied. Jay smiled softely asking siyeon for her opinion about what to prepare for lunch since they are the only two who knows how to cook. Siyeon shrugged and then asked what you r craving her eyes on the hand that is still on ur thigh clicking her tongue. After they setteled on what to do, you joined them in the kitchen wanting to help in someway. Siyeon "wanna help?" She asked getting some stuff from the fridge, you noded: "yeah just show me what to do and i'll do it." Jay's focus shifted to u after ur words smiling at how cute u look with these clothes, u look so innocent saying these words he almost wanna ruin that.

Siyeon in the other hand patted ur hair asking u to chop some vegetables for the pasta she will be making, u did that Joy helping u with them as Jay is working alone frying the steaks, ur nose picked up the delicious smell of the seasoning making ur stomache growl more from hunger, mouth watering as u stare at it. Seeing that Siyeon couldn't help but laugh at ur cuteness "omg why are u so cute, Jay u better hurry or Y/n is gonna throw u aside and have the steak for herself."

U chuckled embarrassed u can't help it when u r hungry it just shows. "btw where is Sunghoon and heeseung?" Jay asked now flipping the steak to the other side. "they are looking for a movie so we can watch it together." Joy answered washing some fruits for later U smiled upon hearing her words "Ohhh that sounds fun." Siyeon smiled at ur reaction "yeah Are u excited?." U smiled back while nodding "i didn't have the time to watch something in a while so that sounds fun." "And why is that? Is it because of work." Siyeon asked now adding more cream cheese to the pasta. U sighed u didn't have a week off for an eternity, u really need a rest "yeah" Siyeon pouted side hugging u "awww." Jay turned the heat off placing the last steak beautifully on the plate "okaay steak is ready, how is it going overthere?." Siyeon also placed the pasta on the three plates in front of her, you got some forks and napkins while joy helped Siyeon to serve the table, as you got there u found a very sus heeseung staring at his phone with his brows forrowed, u noticed that he always has this expression before he close the curtains when u were "stalking him", clearing ur throat heeseung shuts his phone helping joy as Sunghoon comes from outside holding some snacks and putting them in the kitchen for later.

Everyone took their places diving into food u cutted the steak taking a piece and savouring the tastiness of it moaning at how good it is u give a thumbs up to Jay saying with ur eyes that he did an excellent job getting a lovely smile from him u smiled back , not noticing the stares u got from ur so not quiet moan.

Heeseung tightened his fist trying to brush off this feeling and focusing on his food, head still dizzy from how fuckable u look with that cute and adorable outfit u r wearing. Sunghoon on the other hand stares at u darkly memories from the past coming back to him, he'd love that moment to repeat itself now, he'd definitely act differentely than before.

Siyeon's eyes bore into u, eyes never leaving u, taking in every expression and sound u make, she finds u sooo cute and adorable she can't even eat properly not wanting to miss a thing. Joy isn't even there lost in the food she has been starving herself for her last photoshoot that this is paradise for her. U finished eating not paying attention to anything, heeseung and sunghoon offered to wash the dishes since they didn't help in cooking earlier. They came out from the kitchen with some snacks sitting in the sofa in front of the tv before sunghoon hitted play for the movie on the screen.

U were sandwitched between heeseung and sunghoon they were so close to u, both of their bodies touching urs, u felt so hot , so weird not knowing what to do after all it's been three years since u broke with ur ex and got to ur current job, ur job being as hard as it is didn't allow u or give u the chance to meet with anyone, u haven't been this close to a guy appart from Jungwon in a while, so the fact that heeseung throw his hand at ur shoulder while eating from his bowl made u so flustered not giving ur full focus to the movie playing, hands shaking u opened ur hair tie allowing ur hair to breathe a little while tying it again, ur shampoo smell was everywhere now making sunghoon inhale it while placing a hand on ur thigh pretending like it's nothing big U gasp a little bit looking at him staring at the tv, u bit ur lips feeling hot all of a sudden, heeseung took some chocolate from the table offering it to u, u took it smiling at him with a very quiet thank u. The movie kept going on, it was a romance movie you weren't a big fan of romance so u were so bored, u took ur phone from ur pocket opening instagram to the picture of heeseung u checked out this morning

flustered u clicked exit multiple times locking the phone and putting back on ur pocket u couldn't even look at heeseung side but u r so sure that he saw it giving the little breathy chuckle he gave after the "pathetic" word he mumbeled making ur cheeks as red as tomatoes, u sighed seriously when will this day end?. Sunghoon on the other side moved his hand a little to high, pretending to take some chips from heeseung's bowl ignoring the way u jolted at his touch as he grins, he kept doing that taking u by surprise everytime he does it, you were starting to get so hot after what they are doing heeseung throwing some groans and sighs so close to ur ears whenever he eats something, plus sunghoon's touches.

Heeseung asked u if he could call his phone because he doesn't know where he left it, confused as to why he asked u specificly when sunghoon was just here playing with his but u gave it to him forgetting that u already has his number after stalking him on social media just to see some of his stories that he just shared in his number, Heeseung wanted to make sure if the unknown number he keeps seing is really urs curious as to how far u went, and yeah he was sure the moment he composed four of his phone number on ur screen and he saw his name on it, he smiled more amused than creeped, he could of embarrass u here and expose u but it would be more fun if it's only u two, so he earesed the numbers and give u ur phone back saying that he just remembered where he put it and u didn't think that much about it until u saw a scene in the movie where the female lead was calling one of her friends and then it clicked to u, u gasped quietely eyes looking at heeseung trying to read his face "did he saw his number?".

But heeseung didn't say anything appart from raising his brow in question and saying "what?". Joy insisted to watch another movie too bored to do anything, siyeon on the other hand excused herself going to sleep, u didn't want to leave Joy here alone with the guys in case she'd feel uncomfortable so u just stayed: noo this movie needs darkness can we close the curtains Jay?. Jay noded closing the curtains and going back to sleep in the other end of the couch. U adjusted the way u r sitting lying into the couch u kicked sunghoons leg by mistake saying "sorry" as he didn't even bother to answer u, too focused on his phone it got u curious but as soon as u peeked there u regretted ur decision, "is he watching porn here? Wtf?" Ur eyes got wide face red so surprised at his action, u reached for the water drinking a bunch and going back to ur place , after a while heeseung asked sunghoon about what he was watching making ur face go red again, thinking that he would say something as "nothing important" or whatever but instead he showed him, his phone right into ur sight shocked u look at him but again he is not even paying attention to ur existance both of them acting as u r not between them right now, discussing how eager the woman in the video is, how they'd ruin her and give her exactly what she needs, u felt so aroused there, u know u shouldn't but ain't no way u wont with how much teasing both of them were giving u before and now that they are doing this u need to run from here but the thing is that u couldn't, u were locked between them, body stuck there, u couldn't even move, as the guy in the video slapped his dick on the woman's face heeseung chuckled deeply "look at how small her face looks next to his cock how would it look next to mine, i bet her face would disappear" hearing his words u let out a small whimper, u've always fantasied about heeseung, how he'd look while being pleasured, how big his cock would be, how would he fuck, and now that he is here claiming that he has a huge cock u can't help it but whimper shifting on ur seat uncomfortably, pussy itching.. Heeseung felt his cock twitch inside his pants from the sound u let out, containing his groan, he loved that face u had after listening to his words. Sunghoon smirked at u knowing exactly how shameless u can be, and how easy it was to make u horny, he in fact didn't caught u that time alone, it was actually u who caughted him for the first time, he used that bathroom a lot and everytime he does he knows that u'd be there getting off on something stupid.

So now he isn't even surprised, seing how ur thighs keep rubbing together, he kept playing the video throwing some comments here and there making it hard for u to not let out a sound, for a moment u forgot that u r on a variety show, thanks god that they still hasn't installed the cameras in this room or u'd be gone. U throw a look at Joy sighing in relieve when u saw how her eyes are so into the movie, Jay as well is long gone sleeping. This whole situation that u r into now is insane to u, it is one of ur very long fantasies and the fact that they are ignoring ur presence is driving u more insane. Clicking on anothor video of a woman dressed up as a kitten with her collar on kneeling before as what seems her master heeseung sighed "so he is into that?" U thought very interested as to what is gonna happen shame long gone u watched with curious eyes as he pulled on her leash guiding her to his cock before ordering her to open her mouth, pulling her hair harshely and started fucking her mouth, not caring about how she is gagging on his side, eyes watering as her face became so red, ur mouth opened in an o as u watch him use her as he want u gulp loudly at that, both heeseung and sunghoon looking ur way focusing now on ur face rather than the video, eyes dark and sharp, drinking ur expressions, sunghoon dragged his hand again on ur thigh making u leave a small moan, bitting his lower lip agressively ohhh how he wished to take u here in front of everyone hearing u moan again and again as he used u, especially after u put ur hand on his wrist digging ur nails on his flech, hips shamelessly grinding forward, he groaned deeply his cock twitching so hard, seeing this heeseung couldn't help it but to pat his cock on top of his pants hiding his action with the large pillow he has on his lap. U couldn't contain urself after sunghoon touched u, it was as if you reached ur limit u didn't know what to do ur hand guiding sunghoon's hand upward he hissed after sensing ur wetness on top of ur shorts he cursed deeply "so fucking wet, ur gonna ruin the couch" u moan ashamed but not much as u grind on his hand eyes shutting brain washed and clear nothing running there but for u to release ur stress, heeseung leaned in ur ear whispering quitely"looks at u now, getting off on sunghoon's hand in front of everyone, pretending to be innocent all the time while in reality ur just a horny eager little thing" he licked ur earlobe taking ur hand to palm his crotch, u moan sensing how hard and big he is he chuckled "what? Liked that? Do u think u can take it" u just moaned occupied with sunghoon's hand that pressed hard on ur clit and then disappeared, whining u open ur eyes barely managing to not shut them, sunghoon's fingers digged in ur thighs harshely "when someone ask u a question u have to answer little one or u wont get what u want" u pout hand still working on heeseung as u look at him almost crying u were so close u barely managed to get these words out "i can take everything, so please touch me". Sunghoon patted ur cheek in a menacing way before he whispered "that's more like it slut" U moaned at the degrading name taking his hand again and placing it inside ur shorts u almost screamed when his cold fingers pressed on ur clit hand moving in a fast circular motion making ur toes curl, everything about sunghoon's touch is harsh he took one of ur breasts kneeding it roughly u were afraid it gonna burst in his hand, heeseung took the other one circling ur nipple until it became hard and he tugged on it pinching it u almost let out a scream if it wasn't for his other hand that covered ur mouth hard, u felt like u were in heaven touched and gropped this way was something u always craved

ur eyes opened a little meeting Jay's that is on the other end watching u while mouthing quietly to not let Joy notice "so sluty" "very pathetic" he clenched his jaw regreting sitting that far but enjoying the show nontheless, u look so hot like that sweating hand pressed on ur lips covering any sound breasts gropped ahhh how soft and squechy they'd feel around his hands, ur hand palming heeseung's crotch skilfully nails pretty and beautiful just to be ruined by cum, you look so fucked out now shaking in sunghoon's hand eyes rolling back trying to remove his hand from how sensitive u are but he is too strong for u to do that, he kept moving his hand until u let out a tear chuckling deeply at ur state as heeseung freed his cock from his pants and started moving ur hand faster groaning right in ur ears so close to his release he had to let go of ur lips to bit his hand and supress any sound, not long after, u felt ur hand getting sticky moaning at this feeling u miss it so much, heeseung kept going until he emptied his balls, satisfied to see ur hand full of his cum, if only u were alone here he'd make sure u don't waste a drop of it, sunghoon guided his fingers full of ur slick into ur mouth making u suck on them "that's right make them clean whore" u moaned on his fingers driving him insane as he pushed his fingers deeper in your throat u almost gagged but held it, not wanting to make Joy who has seen everything through the screen's reflection notice, with a pop sunghoon removed his fingers letting go of ur breast as heeseung did the same, standing and leaving u there like a mess looking at jay shamefully as he shrugged his head disapointed.

U excused urself running to ur room face as red as a tomato u washed ur hand moaning after seeing how full of cum it is, u can't help it but wish that they follow u to ur room to finish what they were doing not satisfied fully by what they gave u, pussy still clenching around nothing, u sighed flustrated. Changing ur clothes u went to ur bed thinking about what just happened the fact that Jay saw u is turning u on more than it should, after minutes of thinking u find urself sleeping so tired from today's event. U woke up to a text notification, telling u that u'll be headed to a restaurant to meet the last contestant. U smiled excited to eat outside properly, picking a tight black dress with a golden chain on the collar, wearing ur favourite heels and applying a red lipstick, satisfied with ur look u wore some parfum going to ur bed to pick ur bag before u hear a knock again. Gulping and adjusting ur dress u opened the door just to find urself thrown to the wall hand tightly wrapped around ur lips, u widen ur eyes taking a back fromhow fast that happened just to see Jay looking at u darkely, jaw clenched as he come closer whispering with his other hand lifting ur dress and reaching inside ur panties hissing as u feel a weird object enter u "U really thought i'd act like nothing happened ha?" He rubbed the toy on ur folds making u moan quietly, "u see i couldn't bear the fact that i was left out " he continue rubbing on ur folds only faster this time making u squirm over his hand, he chuckled deeply "so i figured out i should teach u a lesson" he leaned on ur ears whispering "u r gonna have this inside u all the time at the diner" he licked ur earlobe "u better act well or it'd be so embarrasing" u moaned at the thought, he leaned back scanny ur fucked out state hips following his hand mouvement eyes rolled back this is all too much for u he pressed harder on ur lips "m really so disapointed on u, how could u leave ur client out?" He removed his hand from ur panties only when u were about to come leaving u whining and positioned it on ur left hip "but again i didn't know u'd be so perveted letting two men use u in front of everyone" u whimper from humiliation gasping when his knee got between ur thighs pressing directly on ur core "i'll tease u a lot tonight" he grinded his knee on ur core making ur knees feel like jelly if it wasn't for the hold he has on ur hip u'd be on the floor now "i'll make sure u come to my room tonight crying and begging me to fuck u"

No cause Jay here is gonna be 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

[furioussouls]

It will come back.

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[yandere! academic rival x plus sized! reader]

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Warning: yandere behaviour ( I dont condone this sort of behaviour in real life, but this is fiction. Enjoy), cursing, suggestive themes), mention of self harm and smoking, sacrilegious themes

Reader uses she/ her pronouns

Song: It will come back by Hozier

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Yandere type: masochistic, attention- seeker, clingy

You stared at the big grandfather clock behind your Professor, your own hands cupping your chubby cheeks. Worn down by time, one would assume that it looked less elegant, but it didn’t. Ever since you started going to Krepstom Academy 7 years ago, the huge clock has been there with you in every lesson and exam. Unfortunately, it wasn’t just the wooden clock that accompanied you through every step of the way.

„(Y/N) (L/N)“, the voice of your Professor, Mr. Bailey, shook you out of your thoughts.

Your eyes snapped towards him and a wave of embarrassment creeped it‘s way up your neck. You could feel the leering looks of some of your classmates behind your back accompanied by some hidden chuckles.

„Yes, Professor Bailey?“, you asked after clearing your throat.

„Where is Mr. Synovic?“, he inquired after glancing at the empty spot behind you.

Your eyebrows rose in annoyance at the mention of his name , but you immediately relaxed your face when Mr. Bailey‘s eyes found their way to yours.

„With all due respect, Professor. How am I supposed to know where he is?“ you asked him with genuine curiosity and a sweet smile.

Mr. Bailey‘s bushy, white eyebrows furrowed in confusion and then the right side of his mouth gently turned upwards. „Oh, I apologise. I thought the both of you continue this cat and mouse chase outside of the classroom as well. I shouldn’t have assumed“

Your saccharine smile turned bittersweet in a matter of a few seconds and you fidgeted in your creaky chair. Smiling uncomfortably at him, you crossed your plump arms.

Jesse Synovic was a thorn in your eye. You would not give him the satisfaction of having him play a bigger role in your life than necessary, so even his annoying existence was only bothersome - at most. The two of you have been competing in Mr. Bailey‘s class ever since your journey at the Academy began. In some cases, he’s the best in class and sometimes you are. It’s a constant futile battle, considering that neither the students nor the teachers care about who ‚the best‘ is. The whole „battle“ is entirely between you two. Suddenly you heard a few knocks. Somebody opened the creaky, oak door after hearing the affirmative hum of Professor Bailey.

Speak of the devil and he shall disappear. Jesse Synovic stood under the threshold of the door and apologised to your Professor for being late and sat down. His freckles adorning his aquiline nose and his familiar scent invaded your nose: mint and hibiscus.

You rolled your eyes when you heard him sit down behind you. The lesson could have been perfect; no annoying Jesse in the background, correcting your every participation in class. However, seems like you were not amongst any god‘s favourite mortals.

You looked outside of the stained window; the pitter-patter of the hammering raindrops against the glass mirrored not only your mood, but also perfectly reflects the season, which you are in right now; autumn. Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed his eyes on you. Your eyes switched from the window to him.

„What do you want?“, you mouthed to him. His mouth twitched up into a crooked smile and he shook his head, as if to say „nothing“. You stared at his face and his shoulders relaxed underneath your glare. He smiled lazily at you and fixed some of his black curls.

You rolled your eyes at him and focused back on Professor Bailey‘s lesson until the end.

After the lesson, you walked along the huge corridors of the academy. The huge stone pillars of the building reminded you of the fantastical buildings of your favourite fantasy books. While admiring the architectural designs of the building, you suddenly heard a deep, male voice from behind you call out your name, causing you to spin around quickly. Your mood dampened seeing Jesse‘s face.

„What?“, you demanded. He walked towards you with raised hands, his frame towering over your deliciously rounded one. You crossed your arms over your busty chest, causing Jesse‘s eyes to pause there and his eyes scanned you again from top to bottom and then settled on your stunning eyes.

„I‘m not here to cause a scene.“, he grinned at you, „ I just wanted to walk with you for a little while… and wanted to ask about your Astrophysics grade“, he asked with an innocent grin. His cheeks dimpled.

A ball of annoyance tightened your belly. Your nostrils flared and you pinched the bridge of your nose. His soft chuckle echoed through the hallway. “I’ve got 93%“, you hissed out and clenched your jaw. You turned around and made a move to start walking again, but he stopped you.

„Pretty good!“ he exclaimed and stretched his arms out and closed his long lashed eyes. You crossed your arms and looked up to the sky, already knowing what’s happening next. He opened one eye and looked at you. „I got 97%”, he smiled, opening his other eye as well and exposing infuriating pearly white teeth with naturally pointy canines.

“Uh huh, very nice”, you pressed out and continued to walk away.

“Wait, wait!“, he walked beside you and matched your pace. „Don’t you want to congratulate me?“, he beamed at your annoyed expression and tightened the tie of his school uniform around his neck.

„Why would I?“, you grumbled out. „The only reason you‘re in the Academy in the first place is because of your parents money. That I can congratulate for: Congratulations for being well bred“, you replied sarcastically.

He tutted three times. „Oh baby, we’ve been doing this for 7 years and your only argument is the fact that my parents are rich? I thought your argumentative skills were better than that. God should’ve spent more time on your brain, and not all of it on your body, yes?“ he retorted condescendingly.

Your steps slowed down and Jesse matched your pace, looking at you from the side in a questioning manner. His smile dropped slowly and his eyes scanned every part of your face, his own face reflecting uncertainty. As quickly as the uncertainty appeared, the expression left his face again.

You raised an eyebrow at him and the one side of your mouth tucked upwards. “ Was that a compliment, Scrooge Mcduck? Do you think my body is pretty?”, you grinned at him from one ear to the other.

His shoulders relaxed and he exhaled softly. He closed his eyes and then laughed „You crave my validation that badly?“, You made a gagging sound at the idea of you needing male validation and started walking. Your dog, following obediently behind you.

🌔

⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺ ⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺ ⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺

Jesse‘s hands shook. He clenched and unclenched his veiny, long hand. Matching the speed of his curvy darling was easy, the few seconds before they continued walking weren’t; seeing her face drop at (what he assumed was) his insult made his heart clench. He wanted to die right then and there. It teared him apart like spiky thorns, which dug themselves further and further into his beating heart.

Well, he didn’t lie. Your body was carefully carved by the gods. Every curve was attentively sculpted. Every line carefully drawn with the most precise of utensils, and every round limb diligently molded. The strech marks on your body carefully designed after billions and billions of shooting stars and every dip in a curve accurately measured after the most beautiful mountains of this planet.

However, it’s not only your body that he is in love with. Your intelligence shocks him from day to day. You weren’t lying either; he can afford the most qualified tutors and the most intricate advanced courses to deepen his knowledge. You can not, and you are one of the smartest people he has ever met. And to think that he almost insulted and hurt you, and not in a bickering matter, made him want to throw up. Thankfully, you only cared about the part where he complimented your body. Jesse’s chest tingled and he could not help the grin that came over his face. God, he loves his darling so much.

Continuing the walk in comfortable silence for once without biting insults, and hearing both your steps ring throughout the halls of the corridor, made Jesse think of when you first met each other; You were both very young, and he was the embodiment of a broody, edgy teenager. Nobody talked to him, because of his reputation. Well, nobody except for.. well, you. You stood there with the biggest smile on your squishy cheeks and showed him kindness by hugging him. Little Jesse’s body warmed and tensed up. Not even his parents were kind to him like that. But no, they didn’t mistreat him. No, because mistreating him would mean actually spending time with him, and they are not the type of parents to do that. Indifference is so much crueler than hatred. You on the other hand, ruffled his hair and showed him affection. And like a sponge, he soaked it all up, like a stray dog after being fed, he came running back to you once he needed more. And what guaranteed your attention more than academically being on your level? What guaranteed your attention on him more than you showing your beautiful infuriation towards him?

His belly warmed at the idea of your pretty face scrunching up in anger at him. Pointing your pretty finger at him and roughing him up a little. He knows that he cannot make anybody as mad as you. You are special.

Jesse was completely lost in thoughts, reminiscing about the past when you ripped him out his trance with your beautiful voice: „I’ll get going then. Not all of us can bribe the Professors with money, can we? Some of us actually need to study and let our abilities speak for themselves.“, you nodded at him and turned around.

Jesse smiled at you, put his fist up in the air and called out: „Study hard! We‘ll need someone to secure the second place again!“

You kept walking and lifted your middle finger, causing him to throw his head back and laugh.

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Jesse was sitting in the garden of the Academy, watching you study diligently. His veiny fingers gently put a cigarette in his mouth and he inhaled the toxic substance. Looking carefully around to make sure none of the teachers would catch him and interrupt his favourite pastime; observing you and your little habits.

The few birds around him, that haven’t started their journey to the south yet, sung the song of their people and the autumn sun shone brightly in his face. The garden around him looked like an idyllic landscape, but he doesn’t need to spend his time looking elsewhere for heavenly projections. He has found his own salvation. His beautiful, ethereal goddess sitting a few meters away from him.

Taking another drag of his cigarette, his eyes looked down at the faint scars on his palm and his wrist. The era of his life where he hadn’t met you yet; naturally it was the worst time of his life. He chuckled lowly and remembered the anguish he felt. Unnecessary, wasted energy. There’s somebody else that can spend all of their energy on him; the good emotions, the bad. Somebody that can order him around and insult him and.. more. Goosebumps of pleasure rose on his body and he shivered happily. He grinned and gently licked his portruding canine teeth and threw away his cigarette safely, his eyes never leaving your gorgeous form.

Do you guys want more of Jesse?

(Please do not copy, rewrite or translate my ideas:) )

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

Ever since October 7th, the amount of misinformation and disinformation about Jews, Israel, Judaism, and even just like, basic facts about reality have been so intense that it's really dredging up a lot of my gaslighting trauma.

(No, not in the memic sense that it's been distorted into, but the kind of gaslighting that leads you to detransition and think it was your choice despite drowning in dysphoria, the kind that warps and changes and erases memories, and makes it so that you dissociate for literal months at a time to escape the pain. That kind.)

And I recognized this because I keep finding myself arguing facts and trying to reason with people who say that they're part of the compassionate left and care about working on antisemitism but yet spew the kind of antisemitism that would be totally at home on Stormfront.

It's that first arguing stage of gaslighting, where the abuser keeps saying outrageous, untrue things and you're still fighting to try and get them to empathize with you and seek mutual understanding. This:

A gaslighter does not simply need to be right. He or she also needs for you to believe that they are right. In stage 1, you know that they are being ridiculous, but you argue anyways. You argue for hours, without resolution. You argue over things that shouldn’t be up for debate — your feelings, your opinions, your experience of the world. You argue because you need to be right, you need to be understood, or you need to get their approval. In stage 1, you still believe yourself, but you also unwittingly put that belief up for debate.

(bolding mine) (source)

This is a pattern I recognize in myself in personal relationships and even within communities, but what's happening right now is a lot bigger and more diffuse. It's not one abuser or even a shitty cohort of abusive people who are monopolizing a community space. This is being encouraged in a frighteningly large number of non-Jewish progressive spaces. In the same way that stochastic terrorism adds up very quickly, this type of cultural gaslighting and stochastic emotional abuse feels like a deluge.

But if you look at history, this is not new, for Jews. This is but the latest version of a very long game of Why Won't You Just Give Up and Assimilate or Die that Jews have thus far prevailed on at great cost to ourselves.

Anyway I'm done arguing with goyim about things that absolutely should not be up for debate: Jewish history, Jewish culture, what certain religious concepts in Judaism mean, Jewish lived experiences, what is and isn't antisemitism. If you aren't willing to engage in a genuine way that seeks mutual understanding, I'm not interested. I'm done.

You are engaging in violent behavior and lying to yourself about it and calling it activism. Well I am no longer going to participate. You can lie to yourself all you want, but you are a bad person and I don't forgive you, and you can do that alone.

You are acting from a mob mentality and a mob cannot be reasoned with. You are drunk on your tiny bit of power and social capital, and years down the line you'll lie to yourself and pretend that you cared about us.

You didn't. And deep down you know it, too.

Instead of arguing with people who refuse to see facts or reason and put our experiences up for debate, I am going to work on compiling a resource for people who want to actually learn.

Everyone else can fuck off.

[communistkenobi]

I love finding new communists blogs because you immediately have to scroll through all the posts to see if you wanna follow them or block them lmao. Anyway from what I understand you work in western academia to some degree and as a student taking some classes in the social sciences it’s such a pain in the ass trying to even bring up a Marxist perspective. How do you deal with how much pushback socialism has in academia?

I’m doing a PhD in sociology ! And please feel free to block me, we are all annoying etc 

I would say that resistance to socialist ideas is a major source of frustration for me in academia - a learning curve for me has been gearing my writing & research to work around that type of institutional hostility. It depends on the discipline as well. Given that Marx is such a titanic figure in sociology I find it easier to engage with his work openly (although you will be mocked for it lol - it’s viewed as a dead-end project in the West since the USSR collapsed), whereas more history- or politics-based courses I’ve taken have been extremely hostile to even tepid Marxist analysis. I have friends to vent to and have found other people in my discipline who are like-minded, which has helped. You will need to do a lot of tactical retreats - I’ve found that tying your analysis to state policy helps a lot, it helps you get grants, and academics trade in policy-talk across disciplines so it will prepare you for that if you want to stay in academia.

I have also been making peace with the fact that academia is not really the place to “do” socialism - it is a deeply political job, and my ideological commitments motivate me to do work and research that I hope are beneficial to the world, but I think the authority and privileges afforded to academics, not academia itself, is the better avenue to conduct political activity - participating in student & left-wing actions, giving money and resources to activist groups, using your prestigious position to publicly speak on issues, sign important documents for vulnerable people (profs are counted as authorities to sign off on name change documents for trans people in Canada for example, as well as visa and citizenship proof I believe?), things like that. There was that Canadian doctor, Dr. Yipeng Ge, who was suspended from his university position for speaking out against Israel and went to Palestine on a medical mission, Engels used his family’s money to fund Marx & socialist actions, Lenin went to law school, etc (i am NOT remotely comparing myself to any of them to be clear lol, just demonstrating that there is historical precedent for this way of thinking). I’ve done a decent amount of union + community work and the reoccurring lesson I keep learning is that there are many little, vacant positions of power sprinkled throughout the world that will help you organize and agitate above and beyond your individual capabilities. And the right wing knows this! They take over local school board committees and town halls and run for office in their local neighbourhoods all the time, often unopposed, and use that to exert terrible political influence.

I try very much to resist the “one of the good ones” mindset re: my own career in academia and is one I struggle with pretty often. being pragmatic about what academic research actually does in the world is still something I’m grappling with. Academia has provided me with an incredibly prestigious education and a lot of social capital that I hope to use for some amount of good. I’m also betting on what is essentially a lottery ticket, given how rare tenure-track university positions are, so maybe all of this will be irrelevant anyway lol. I’m not sure if that’s helpful but it’s not a settled issue for me either, so if this reads as vague or wishy-washy that’s why!

[icyg4l]

Pick-A-Meme: What Is In Store for You in April 2024?

Hello beautiful people. Tonight marks the beginning of a new month, April!!! I am so excited to be delivering a new PAC reading. I will continue to be as consistent as possible. Please book a personal reading with me here! And without further ado, please pick your pile!

Top Left-to-Bottom Right (1-4):

Pile One: I feel like you’re going through a rebirth, a spiritual purification. You need to purchase some hyssop, Pile One. I feel like you’re going to be looking at life from a different perspective. There’s a decision that you’re going to have to make in order to be content with your life. You have to choose yourself! I also feel like this month you’ll be focused on going outside into the city! You could get invited to some type of festival or a cooking class perhaps. It seems like this month you should be focused on taking risks and getting out of your comfort zone, Pile One. But even with all of this happening, you should keep your eye on the prize. Discipline yourself and keep your head on straight to the narrow path. Don’t get distracted by the bs, Pile One. 

Cards Used: Death, The Fool, Knight of Cups, Judgment, Nine of Cups, Temperance, Queen of Swords, Four of Discs. 

extras: white clothes. chicago. tundra. icicle. party girl. 

Pile Two: After I pulled some cards for this pile, I saw the vision of someone parting a moving mountain, like holding two mountains to avoid being crushed. I see that you have a big heart, Pile Two. You would do something like this for other people. But there’s someone in your life that is taking advantage of that. There is a connection, particularly love, where the efforts you put forth aren’t being reciprocated. It’s time to know your worth, babe. This is especially true if you are in a long distance relationship. I see that you will be meeting someone new who appreciates your energy and is willing to take care of you. But in order for this to work, you need to keep an open mind. This person is a bit eccentric, Pile Two. I also see that if you have been searching for apartments, you will be preparing to move out of your neighborhood by the end of the month. 

Cards Used: King of Wands, Five of Cups, Justice, Two of Wands, The Lovers, 4 of Discs, The Fool, 4 of Cups (RX), Two of Cups (RX), The Emperor, Page of Cups. 

extras: playing cards. heartbreak hotel. dracula. pity. sarcasm. brooklyn. candlelight dinner. mardi gras. 

Pile Three: This pile has been having hangups about a certain situation. Perhaps, you’ve been having dreams about something that occurs in your waking life. These dreams are in fact premonitions. You need to be taking note of them so that you can make the best decision. You may have been drawn to Pile One. I feel like this pile is getting settled in with something, maybe ‘it’ has to grow on you. Don’t let anyone affect your decision making at this time because you are the one that has to live out the effects of it. You could be going off to college, making the decision to move or stay in your hometown, deciding whether or not you need a new car or should just get it repaired. Either way, you need to lean into your intuition. Depend on yourself. I feel like this pile has been listening to the new Beyoncé album heavy. So if you resonate with that then this is definitely your pile. Don’t make a decision that you will regret. Watch your environment closely. 

Cards Used: Temperance, The High Priestess, Knight of Pentacles, Seven of Cups (RX), 8 of Swords, King of Wands, Five of Cups. 

extras: “blinded by tradition.” lilith. yodeling. partition. oracle cards. eye for an eye. watermelon. “my precious.”

Pile Four: Oh, Pile Four. You’ve been working on yourself big time, haven’t you? Because of this, I feel like April will be the month where you receive recognition for your efforts. I feel like this pile participated in Lent or Ramadan, or you’ve just been disciplined and staying out the way. I feel like you will be introduced to a new lover soon that you’ll meet through friends but you’ll be uber cautious of them because you’re used to being by yourself. Lots of people will try to get your attention during this month but I feel like you’ll continue to stack your coins and enjoy your time as a bachelor/ette. There’s many opportunities for you to make money, especially if you’re a young entrepreneur. I see the image of someone scanning through a brochure. So please, do what you have to do to make that money! But don’t let it make you! I also see that you could meet your mentor at some type of conference as well. You really need to network, Pile Four (to my fellow introverts, all will be okay, love).

Cards Used: King of Pentacles, 9 of Cups, The Tower (RX), The Sun, Ten of Cups, Ace of Discs, Nine of Wands, Wheel of Fortune, 3 of Cups, Princess of Cups (RX).

extras: BLT. hummus. pilates. health conscious. “please don’t partake in that.” suburban. office hours. sneak peek.

[mazzystar24]

I hope I can ask you this because I don't want to ask in the tags, I'm scared 🥹 but I've seen a lot of discourse about why tommy isn't good for buck, he's cold, the relationship is toxic etc and I was wondering why people think that? Is there anything specific that started it?

I fully believe eddie is buck's true love, endgame, whatever we want to call it and I'm sad we don't have that (yet) but I thought bucktommy was kinda fun in the meantime. I just want to understand 🫶🏻

Oh hey darling! you were so sweet and genuine in your response so please know I’m just answering what I’m asked and if you wanna enjoy and have fun with bt that is completely your prerogative but I’m just offering my perspective on it

And i am warning you this is gonna be long because I feel a constant need to go really in depth in my thoughts

Okay so idk how I’m gonna break this down but maybe I’ll do it in like main points?

Also if you’re new here whenever I use bullet points I’m just doing it cos I find it easier to chunk up my thoughts not cos I’m being curt or anything with you

1. The chimney and hen begins episodes

He wasnt just passive in the episodes and letting Gerard get away with his racist and misogynistic behaviour he ACTIVELY participated in it

This includes:

• Asking if they forgot to tip the delivery guy WHILE THEY WERE EATING CHINESE FOOD when chimney first comes up despite the fact that 1. Chimney had a big ass lafd bag 2. They were probably already told a probie would be coming 3. Probably would’ve seen the actual delivery guy 4. I would bet my absolute life that question would not have been asked if buck or bobby had walked up those stairs this wasn’t an innocent comment it WAS RACIST intentionally like the entire point of the episode was to show how bad they had it

• the New York bitchiness comment

• throwing his tools down along for hen to clean up

• going out of his way to treat them like outcasts and hating chimney before he even knew him despite chimneys efforts

• the way each of them had to “earn his respect” in some way before he acted like a normal coworker to them and this was never in the typical ‘oh it’s a new person’ type of way it always had to do with their race or in hen’s case her gender too

A defence I see a lot for this is “oh he was closeted” and honestly to me that is such bullshit because 1. Eli was perfectly capable of not participating in the racism and taking chimney under his wing without getting any shit for it and chimney is quite literally a Korean man (something he literally can’t hide) and he had just got his head above water with Gerard’s racism when hen came and he STILL was a friend to her 2. Again tommy wasn’t passive in it and just letting Gerrard be racist (which would’ve been one thing) no he actively participated in it to be part of the boys club 3. Let’s say that somehow not being a dick would’ve meant that that was a threat to the closet he was in- that is still in my opinion a fucked up sense of preservation if you spare yourself the possibility of bigotry (despite having inherent social capital by being a white man in that job) by inflicting others to bigotry

Now when Tommy was first reintroduced I was like keeping an open mind and saying okay it’s been a lot of time and maybe he has genuinely made amends because I do believe in redemption but imo they have made no attempt to show us that and had him honestly put more of the blame on Gerrard for his behaviour or the writers flat out avoiding mentioning it to retcon tommy a little and hope we forget

Another defence I see is “oh chimney and hen became friends with him so they must’ve forgave him”, hen went no contact the moment he left (something the writers went out of their way to include that line) and chimney didn’t even invite him to his wedding which was quite big after the Buckley parents got involved so it’s not like it was cos it was such a small and intimate wedding and he only called him as far as we know in those years when he needed a favor, which all means that most likely they had kinda just put it behind them and kept up a coworker relationship with him, but no actual friendship or actual forgiveness or redemption had taken place

Oh wow all that was just point one and I can probably talk more on it but I’ll just leave it with saying that Lou’s comments about it being teasing or how Tommy genuinely didn’t know hen or chimney were capable etc just makes for a worse case than saying it’s cos of being in the closet (and that is genuinely a large part of why idk much abt Lou but those comments are enough to make me hate him) and I’ll also say that poc (myself included in that) have these situations so often- situations even as specific as gay men being racist to them to fit in - and we understand the nuance and shit to it but we also understand on a deep level how it feels to be on the other side of that

And getting toxic bt fans try to come up with ways to downplay or minimise racism honestly pisses me off so much cos believe you me we have heard every excuse and downplay under the sun and I for one am sick and tired of it

2. Why he’s viewed as cold and his jokes

• literally from the small parts we saw of him and Eddie hanging out we have seen the man is in fact capable of joking and being light and having fun but around buck in particular he’s like 🧍‍♂️😐 and the occasional 🙂 like it just feels very stiff and just plain in a way

• his humour consistently falls flat and feels passive aggressive more than anything like blunt or sardonic humour DOES work like I personally love it but it’s not being written OR executed right

A. It’s always in response to genuine moments or questions such as buck talking abt the award or the daddy kink joke or henren questioning him

B. It’s the the majority of what we see from him, there is not enough balance for it

C. Lack of rapport, when friends or couples make jokes that can come off the wrong way if said to anyone else it’s cos of the rapport built already, this rapport is not established with the characters OR with the audience for these jokes to come off right

D. I gotta say this one too but the execution just isn’t right from writing to acting, it’s the same reason sardonic humour lines from Sandra oh as Cristina Yang or hugh Laurie as house still lets you like the characters and find them funny but Tommys lines come off as annoying to a lot of people

3. I think fandom discourse probably has something to do with it but not in the way you think

I’m not saying like oh ppl who ship buddie just hate him cos of the ship no I’m saying that like what takes him from an annoying disliked character to a hated character is most likely the fact that his role stirred so much drama and caused so much damage to how the fandom used to be that its turned the dial up

4. A lot of his development, lore or redeemable factors or cute things are just not canon

This may be blunt and I am sorry for that but I think his character has been blown up to such a degree that it’s genuinely shocking

Like I look at posts or get sent hate and I’m like where did any of this happen this is just not canon this is just not a show like at times I’m genuinely convinced it’s a social experiment where different ppl saw a different show like some spiderman multiverse situation

Listen I’m all for headcanons genuinely like if you wanna take extra number three and make a whole backstory and lore and cute stuff abt her I’m all for it but it’s when it’s said as if it’s fact or canon that I’m like hold up a second rewind

I think this is kinda a result of Lou’s cameos (which honestly deserves its own post but you asked why the tommy hate so imma stay on topic) and also this like need to defend the character but not having much material to work with

Like if we look at canon we can literally break down the entirety of Tommys appearances this far in the show and what we learn about him:

• chimney begins- he makes a racist comment and he tries to suck up to Gerard, there is a little hint abt his gayness with the gf comment, Eli says to chimney that’s just how they are and tries to reason it could be fear of losing friends but we see tommy having friends in the firehouse while eli says this, chimney tries to make friends with him and tommy makes no attempt to get to know him and says he’d hate him anyways, chimney saves Tommys life thus earning his respect

• hen begins- she’s met with the same racism chimney is but also met with misogyny (and homophobia but that’s not relevant to the tommy of it all), we find out chimney is still isolated from the rest despite having earnt that respect, chimney befriends hen and again tommy still doesn’t try anything like that until hen proves herself and earns his respect, ppl reported Gerard but it’s never actually stated tommy was one of those ppl so again that’s not canon that’s speculated

• bobby begins- chimney and hen both seem to be like coworker friends with tommy and Sal, Sal throws hissy fit bobby “fires” him tommy says it’s an overreaction bobby reveals it was a transfer, they all seem to make nice, tommy leaves to 217

• chimney calls tommy for help and tommy helps

• we see nothing from tommy,then cruise ship he helps the team but also in this we find out hen cut off all contact since he left

• buck takes tour of harbour, Eddie and tommy have a friendship and we find out some of Tommys interests and that he was in the army, basketball scene and the subsequent apology and kiss

• dinner date, Tommy explains how he was in the closet, Buck has his little awkward moment (which will be elaborated on in my next point) , Tommy says nothing abt it till the Uber arrives and he leaves buck

• buck reaches out and apologises and asks for a second chance inviting tommy to the madney wedding

• bachelor party and the issue of the lack of costume and not just taking the day off for neither wedding nor bachelor party (which you can reason is reasonable but also I feel like this deserves its point for the narrative choices)

• tommy shows up straight outta work they kiss buck has the soot coming out award ceremony - buck being happy abt the reward to which tommy sardonically says enjoy it while it lasts enter bigoted cunt gerard then chimney comes and insults gerard and they walk away

• we don’t see tommy again till the dinner date after Bobby nearly died and when buck tries to explain Bobbys significance to his life tommy throws the your dad is still alive which is just honestly one of his worst moments imo and I made a whole post abt it but can’t find it and then we all know the rest of that convo and I could make a bullet point for it but actually I made a whole post before so I’ll link it: here

AND THATS IT

Like all this comes down to what maybe like 30 mins screentime? If that?

5. The leaving buck on their first date

The defences people use for this are:

• buck was trying to shove him back in the closet

• buck was obviously not ready

• people angry abt this are just babying buck like he can find his own way home it’s not that big of a deal

• buck was at fault there and tommy would’ve been justified in being angry and not giving him a second chance

And honestly every last one of these are bullshit imo and lemme go point by point

• buck panicked, I don’t think that what buck was feeling in that moment can be properly described because unless you’re a queer person and you’ve experienced that like bone deep panic that like brain overload then you won’t get it

Like one it’s his first queer date

Two he doesn’t even understand his own sexuality atp

Three his closest friend just walked in in a situation that’s already putting him on edge

So he’s not only panicking he’s not understanding why he’s panicking he’s trying to make excuses eventhough part of him knows he doesn’t need one but also he doesn’t even understand this side of himself yet so he doesn’t want to have to potentially explain it

Like it’s a million things and a million emotions and no one can claim they would behave rationally or appropriately in that situation and if you say that you would you’re lying simple as that

Also then we find out that Eddie thought tommy was straight anyways

• the reason I love the buddie coming out scene is because of Eddie’s “and what do you think” line because it’s not up to tommy or anyone else whether a person is “ready” enough in their queerness to date. Full stop.

Also tommy knew it was Buck’s first date with a man and was still down so why is he using that as some sort of out

•it’s not about babying buck and it’s not about him finding his own way home it’s the fact that Tommy could’ve done it with much more grace and he could’ve been a lot nicer with it but he wasn’t, and this is again bucks first date with a man even if it doesn’t end with a second date it should at the very least not end up with him feeling like a screw up on the side of the road

• to the ppl who say that- kindly shut up cos again see the first point but also I wanna point out that somehow the ppl saying this are also the same ones saying that Tommy was justified to be RACIST for a prolonged period of time due to being in the closet yet Buck what? Panicking for a few seconds and being a little awkward? is somehow this giant inexcusable thing

5. The narrative choices with him have been reasonably clear and tbh if they had been made with a woman it would not be up for debate:

• tommy leaves buck on their first date then he comes back and gives buck a chance- we as a fandom have been unanimous in saying for years that Buck’s endgame would be the one that doesn’t leave him cos this pattern has been something we saw over and over with him

• tommy not dressing up- again you can rationalise it but it’s a narrative choice and it’s glaring when contrasted with Eddie suggesting the duo costume

And if we had this scene with Taylor so many ppl would be saying that it’s once again showing that her and Buck’s personalities don’t align

• him being on standby for the wedding and bachelor party- again you can say oh buck invited him last minute or oh he couldn’t taken the day off (which lbr he could’ve he’s not the only firefighter pilot in la) - but again narrative choice

If it was Taylor everyone would’ve been like SEE? Again they’re showing the audience that her work is this looming presence in their relationship

Anyway I’m gonna shut up now cos this is A LOT

I’m so sorry it took me so long to respond tho and sending flowers in apology💐💐💐💐💐💐

Love ya for being so genuine when asking and hope all this didn’t come off too strong and that it was idk helpful?🫶🫶

I realise my response is abt to have toxic bt fans scurry to my inbox like rats to send hate and to that I say go fuck yourselves I’m responding to a question here

[loveanddeepspice]

𝕋𝕖𝕞𝕡𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝔾𝕣𝕒𝕔𝕖

✞ synopsis:  you've come back to the small town you grew up in for a visit. though your relationship with the catholic church and faith in general have been strained since you were younger, you find yourself drawn back to the church... or more specifically... the new priest... you aren't ready to share your secret sin with him... but you may not be able to help yourself.

✞ pairing: sylus x curvy fem!reader

✞ rating:  18+ (minors do not engage)

✞ cw:  religion (catholicism), priest, lapsed faith, adultery, priest kink, suicidal mention, dead parent, sex, masturbation, drugs (marijuana), mentions of other drug use, drinking (more will be added when/if they arise)

✞ disclaimer: this fiction explores a romantic relationship between a lapsed Catholic and an unconventional priest. it is not designed to be inflammatory or critical. catholic authors were asked to participate in the process. we hope you enjoy it, but we know that these topics can be sensitive, so please skip this fiction if it will in any way offend you.

✞ chapter:  6 / ?

✞ co-authors:  redbriony, confuseddoughnut (they do not have tumblr)

✞ ao3 link:  here

✞ chapter synopsis: "the only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it." - oscar wilde

✞ index: chapter 1 | chapter 2 | chapter 3 | chapter 4 | chapter 5| chapter 6

Please comment on this post if you want to be added to the tag list for updates!

Despite what happened, you would have done anything to face Father Sylus again. 

He was the type of person who radiated energy from within, dedication unlike anyone you had ever met - which could be a good or a bad thing. The thoughts became an obsession, all that seemed to fill your brain. The recollection of his touch made you sweat. It was the last thing you thought about before drifting off to sleep, the first thing you thought about when you woke, and the next few days stretched.  One thing was sure: you longed to see him again, if only for the courage to apologize.  But did you even have to apologize? He was the one who had kissed you first, right?  It was so unbelievably confusing. You’d talk yourself through circles; for once, no amount of sleeping seemed to help.  You weren’t even given the option to sleep it all off anyway or mellow properly in your self-pity. Upon learning of your ‘arrest’ from Talia, your father forced you out of the house that Sunday to go to church with him.  “What’s going on with you, Y/N?” Dad raised his eyebrows and frowned as he gripped the steering wheel, and you could tell he was trying hard not to get angry or frustrated. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, hon. You came back, and you’re acting weird.  Can you just tell me what’s wrong?”  Shaking your head, you shrugged, trying your hardest to maintain eye contact on the door handle, ignoring your dad’s question and wishing he’d just leave you alone.  “You went from being happy to totally distraught since you moved out. What am I supposed to think here, huh?”  ‘Maybe everything went to total fucking shit,’ was what you wanted to say, and tried not to roll your eyes. Dad tried so hard to not act like the authoritarian or pushy father, especially after your mother had died. He was never like that. And it was because of that you figured it was time to be at least a little truthful.  “I quit my job. I don’t know what I’m going to do from here, but -” you said, “I just…needed some time to think things through.”  Your dad parked the car and turned to offer you a subtle smile. You were convincing enough, obviously. “Okay, fine. Work in the store until you figure it out. It’ll be like old times.” One hand gripped the steering wheel as he looked at you, almost seeming to peer into your brain as his eyes flicked ever so slightly. “So, uh, is this about your mom? I didn’t know you were still upset about that. I should’ve tried to talk to you more.”  You bit down your reply, feeling a bitter taste in the back of your throat, and willing it away.  “No, it isn’t. Just forget about it.”  A long sigh filled the small space as your father pressed his lips together. “Christ, I can’t be mad at you right now. I’ve always let you do what you want.”  This was strange, a particular ache settling inside and spreading to your limbs like an infection. Maybe it wouldn’t stop now that it had started. And the first instinct was to get away and run. Run and run and just get away.  “Hon, Y/N,” Your Dad’s voice was pleading, and you nearly missed it. “We can go talk to -”  “No!” You blurted, immediately regretting it, mortified at just the thought. How did you speak so fast? “No, it’s fine. Let’s just go inside. We’re gonna be late.”

You didn’t feel any better inside the church, but you weren’t expecting much to begin with. All you could do was suck it up and seat yourself beside your dad. It wasn’t crowded, but there were a few unfamiliar faces, so maybe not everyone would notice your fucked up mood. 

Everything felt surreal. You were sitting there in church with the sun streaming through the stained glass windows, and your gaze landed on the one depicting the Virgin Mary.

The word ethereal came to mind. 

Everything seemed like it would evaporate into thin air. Like if you moved too quickly, you’d wake up from one of those dreams that just turned out to be inside of another dream. 

And when a hush fell over the congregation, you had no choice but to look forward. No matter how your brain fizzes or your fingers tingle. You were forced to look at that handsome face in front of the church and feel the emotion well inside you. Something that felt different than embarrassment or frustration. 

Even from this distance, Father Sylus exudes that particular aura, daring to fill the whole church with its strength. You are once again reminded of how inescapable his presence is—not through belief or goodness, but something, someone who felt unearthly, even celestial, as absurd as it felt. 

Ethereal. Once again, with that pretty word. How could you even begin to explain it? It was so easy to feel some sort of bitterness, perhaps even selfishness. Who could blame you? Everything always seemed too simple when you looked at it from a distance. 

“Good morning,” He began, his voice taking on that strangely powerful, lilting cadence. He paused, hands clasping, and his posture was different. Shoulders broad, spine straight, chin lifted slightly. “I want to take a moment before we begin to discuss why we’re here.” 

You were drawn to his words, which had formed an invisible link to you. Maybe if you closed your eyes like you did at night, you could picture that night in the car. It felt foolish because you were certain your own thoughts were desperate. How stupid did it make you seem, trying to replay the sensation? A stupid crush. That is all you wanted it to amount to, even if looking into his fiery gaze had made you feel like you were melting.

“We’re here, in the house of the Lord. Why is this?” 

If a month’s insistence on chasing after a flame could be compared to anything -

 “Free will.” His tone picked up. “Through our actions, we make conscious decisions. As far as humankind is concerned, free will also makes us human.” 

Your breathing stilled. Something terrible seized your gut, a cramping feeling causing you to grit your teeth. 

“This is a sanctified place,” he continued, voice rich and filled with energy. “Within these walls, you should experience peace. Not conflict or anger. All are free here because it is with our actions that we build ourselves.”

How the hell did he manage this? The words continued spilling from his mouth, something pulling you further. And after a pause, his gaze filtered over the room again - and landed on you. 

Time was beginning to stand still, and you swore your face began to heat up. But, thankfully, the look didn’t linger on you, moving on as he cleared his throat. 

Well, fuck. 

There was only a tiny shift in expression, and perhaps you were the only one to notice how his pause seemed more lengthy than those before it. 

"We - uh.” Father Sylus made a show of glancing down at the notes before him and shuffling a few pages. “Sorry.” He cleared his throat again, a little louder this time. “What I mean to say is, with free will, we struggle against our urges and temptations. Sin beckons - uh,” another loud cough. He looked nervous. Vulnerable. In more ways than one. 

Father Sylus hastily pushed aside the pages, shoulders lifting in a deep breath before looking again at the people gathered. He straightened a little, and his powerful tone returned as he folded his hands neatly. “So, how do we resist? It can be hard to…admit one’s faults.” He let out a little huff of air, glancing down again. Then, he stepped away from the podium, stepping along the carpeted dais, hands clasped behind his back and thumbs tapping against each other. 

The congregation started shifting. A glance here and there, unable to guess what he would say next. Probably wondering why their priest was acting so…off. If you weren’t glued to your seat in, well, any number of the emotions you were feeling now - you would have high-tailed it out of there already. But instead, you were frozen in place, feeling like an outsider, feeling the shift in the air more than the others around you. 

“Take those feelings and multiply them by ten.” He stated, looking towards the back of the church at nothing in particular. It was as if he was somewhere only his mind knew. 

“Opportunity is often just an invitation to sin, yes. Free will is a man’s greatest power but also his biggest weakness. With that power comes responsibility. Satan doesn’t come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns in the middle of the night.” 

Oh God.

 There was a tense pause and stillness, and you wonder how you managed to sit here and listen. Those crimson eyes trailed around the room, but for another second, a brief and terrifying second, they burned into you.

“Satan comes as everything you’ve ever wished for.” He laughed, bitter and slightly hoarse. Then his eyes snapped forward again, unabashed. 

He coughed, cleared his throat again, and gestured with a finger above his head. “We all - well, we all think we can overcome any challenge. Big or small. Big and small.” Father Sylus let out a shaky exhale. “Um, the point is...The point is that the devil is ready to collect when you can’t. So, the point is that - uh,” His tone shifted to something smaller that made your insides tremble agonizingly. A breathless, tight sort of anxiousness that stole through your lungs and caused your heart rate to increase. It was impossible to deny that despite the words coming out of his mouth, you actually wanted to hear him continue. “Um, sometimes I think the hardest thing is that we are human, and we are weak.” 

Before he could even continue, his voice cracked. “I’m sorry.” He swallowed, grimacing, an anguish that you recognized. “Excuse me.” He looked like he might break, the wavering tension almost stifling the room, his expression almost tormented. 

“I’m sorry. Excuse me.” And with that, he disappeared into the back, leaving everyone shocked. 

Everyone except for you. 

“And that’s why I’m never going to church again.” You rolled your eyes as you leaned against one of the shelves in your dad’s store, looking over at Rafayel, who was leaning against the counter, making it his personal mission to get every last drop out of an iced coffee. “You should have seen the look on his face. What a fuck up.” 

Rafayel wrinkled his nose, looked around the otherwise empty store, and then glanced at his phone. “Yikes. Poor guy.” He sighed and tapped his foot on the floor. “Talia came home and said he had a migraine - but it’s even more hilarious that a near-public breakdown was because of you.” 

“My God, you are awful.” You frowned and stepped forward to lightly punch his arm, reaching out and catching his elbow with a grimace as he pretended to almost fall over. “That’s a horrible thing to say! You were the one who was practically encouraging me!” 

“I would never,” Rafayel huffed, clicking his tongue and shaking his head. “Anyway, it’s been almost a week now. You’re gonna have to suck it up and face him sooner or later.” With a firm nod, he shook off your hold and dusted his hand on the faded denim of his jeans, turning his attention back to his phone and shaking the ice in the cup he held. 

“How would I do that?” You asked. 

As if oblivious, Rafayel arched a brow and smiled tightly, peering at you over the edge of his phone. His tone was less-than-reassuring, sounding almost pitying. “No fucking idea.” 

You opened your mouth to argue but thought better of it as the shop door opened, just in time for the chilly afternoon to bring in your dad and Xavier. You took a deep breath at the sound of the bell and forced yourself to calm down.

As if on cue, Rafayel pushed himself away from the counter and looked in your direction. “Well, Y/N.” He said, tossing a wink in your direction that made you want to reach out and knock the silly grin off his face. “Good luck.” With that, he turned and walked out of the store with a shake of his head. 

Your dad mumbled something under his breath before tossing a wave a little too late and heading into the back of the small building. 

Unease had settled in your stomach at your friend's departure. You felt as if you had more to say, ask, or get a general idea of as you stared at the shop's door. You ran a hand over your tired face and sighed. 

“Hi,” Xavier gave you a careful, controlled smile as you turned toward his voice. “Need help with anything?” 

You tried your best not to fidget or bite your lip. “No, but it’s nice of you to offer.” You shrugged and glanced away briefly. “Why? Got nothing else to do?” 

“Uh, I work here?” He blinked as he stepped forward. You could take in his softening facial features now that he was closer. His smile didn’t quite fade as he looked around the quiet shop. “Anyway - I um. I tried to call you last night? About dinner?” 

Tilting your head in confusion, you froze. Then, you processed the sentence. 

Dinner. Shit. 

“Oh! My phone went missing. I’m sure it’ll turn up soon or something. Wasn’t the nicest phone anyways,” you brushed some hair behind your ear. “I still can’t figure out how it disappeared!” You forced a laugh at your lie and shifted uncomfortably.

You’d completely forgotten about agreeing to go out with him. How fucking stupid were you? So caught up in the idea of -

“Well, uh, I didn’t plan much. So it’s okay, we can just do something another night. Right?” Xavier suggested, and you couldn’t tell if he had let it go so quickly or was suspicious about your behavior. 

Either way, you smiled, rationalizing with yourself for what felt like the millionth time that spending time with him would be a good thing. Any way to keep your mind distracted. Clearly, he still wanted to go out with you, and you certainly wouldn’t say no. After all, who could blame you for latching on anyone who showed the slightest interest? 

This would be a step in the right direction, right? Things would get better. They had to. No matter how weird it felt for you to think so. 

“That’s fine. Sorry, my head’s all over the place.” 

The worst part of it all was the sudden weight in your stomach, the ache in your chest that was becoming all too tiring. Something pushed you in the complete opposite direction of the young man in front of you, towards what you really wanted, and had no explanation for why you did. 

“Y/N?” Xavier spoke again and stepped closer, watching your expression with careful scrutiny, his hand reaching out to touch yours, giving you a new feeling of unease. “Hey, um, - you alright?” 

Your heart wrenched a little at the worry, and you wondered exactly how pathetic you appeared. “I think so. Can you take over? I gotta step out for a while.”

It grew colder as you walked along the sidewalk, sticking your hands inside your jacket pockets. Clouds gathered in the distance, inching their way towards the suburb. The air smelled fresher, as if it might snow lightly sometime at night. A breeze swept over the street, stirring pieces of your hair from its confines, and you briefly thought you should have remembered your scarf. 

Then, you came to a stop in front of the church. 

You looked down at your outfit, the jeans and the oversized blue sweater you had found in your mom's closet, when you couldn’t be bothered to do your own laundry. Perhaps she would give you strength, or at least enough willpower from wherever she was to give you the courage to turn right the fuck around and go back home.  She was always straightforward in that way, even without the drinking. If only you had taken after her in that aspect. 

For a moment, you almost turned to leave, giving yourself the opportunity to simply walk away and go home. However, after a few seconds of mental debate, you stepped along the worn walkway and up the steps, slipping your hand out of your pocket to place it on the worn wooden door. 

Somewhere in your mind was a glimmer of hope, the possibility of resolve.

Now that you had gathered whatever courage you had left, you took one last, bracing breath before pushing the door open. A jolt of energy speared up your arms, a buzzing sensation against your fingertips. Once you were inside, everything felt eerily silent. Almost too silent. But as the familiar warmth enveloped you, your body relaxed slightly as you shrugged off your jacket. 

The last light from the day was casting through the windows, and the interior was a muted, golden glow and soft orange. It felt warm in more ways than one. Despite the hushed nature of the building, energy thrummed within you. The atmosphere was inviting, but for some reason, you couldn’t quite muster the ability to step forward any further, feet stuck to the floor beneath you. It was ironic, yet in a way, expected; you felt like crying or throwing something, but maybe punching Father Sylus would give you the most satisfaction. 

The chapel seemed alien to you as you made your way further inside. 

Loneliness was all-consuming, a fear ever present and threatening in the back of your mind. You wondered why it hurt so much. And, you considered whether you have ever experienced a real connection in your life. You zeroed in on the cross beyond the rows of pews as if you could use it for answers. It glinted a little in the evening light that filtered through the stained glass. Your eyes felt dry as they fixed upon the illuminated wood, searching, listening, walking towards the front of the church like a mouse. 

“You think this is funny, don’t you?” You asked your question out loud. The silence of the building taunted you in return, and something constricted within your chest. The rush of it all was consuming, filling your every thought with hope and expectation. A breath sucked in, and you shook your head, blinking. Everything felt off, and you had no idea what your body was supposed to do with itself. “This is so fucked. You know, this is all…just so messed up,” you choked out the whisper and, with a small gasp, swallowed. The emotions swelled. Heavy and pounding and suddenly overwhelming. 

Who gave a shit? Nothing would change. 

But, maybe - 

Would God be willing? Could He lift the spell put on you that would continue to grow? 

“Mom is dead, and she’s not coming back.” The words spilled and dropped like shattered glass. “And, uh, it’s just like, that’s fucked up. Isn’t it? Please, it’s - well, I wish I knew, God damn it. Motherfucker!” You swore louder than you should have, not recognizing your own voice. A feeling that had no name gripped your heart. This was it. You were giving up. “Totally fucked up. And you go and make me do stupid shit? What kind of test is that?” 

Only silence answered. You wondered how you should feel. As angry as you were, it felt strange to voice it. Finally, saying the words brought unusual comfort, and it was too easy to admit everything now. “Yeah, yeah. You should really apologize, God. Lord. Jesus. Whatever.” 

“I’m sorry.” The voice that spoke back did not belong to you. Echoing off the walls and the stained glass, it sent a jolt up your spine, causing you to spin in its direction. Leaning against a doorframe was Father Sylus, looking down at the floor, that shameful expression resurfacing on his face. You witnessed the repentant facade as he lifted his head and looked at you. 

It felt like a flood rushed through you, coursing, washing away the anger, seeping into every cell, and filling you with something new. Warm and soft, somehow breaking you apart as it passed. Something indecipherable but true. 

Something almost wonderful and exhilarating. 

He looked like something you could draw. That raw, exposed sort of aura. 

That same warmth enveloped your heart, the comfort expanding across your chest. There was something profound and affectionate within his gaze and the sense that you had underestimated what was truly meant by the phrase ‘care and concern.’

It could have been a few seconds. Or minutes passed as you stood rooted to the spot. The beating of your heart seemed to echo in your ears. Blood pulsed through your veins, the silence around you growing louder. 

“For what?” You were almost afraid to speak up. 

“For whatever you’re feeling,” Father Sylus stated plainly. Then he straightened, and his look shifted, and for a split second, he stepped forward, only to pause with his fingers twitching at his sides. Maybe there was confusion flickering in his gaze. Or longing. But he still didn’t move from where he stood, as if unable to break the tension he had with himself. After a time, he studied your face and added, “For everything and for nothing.” 

After a moment of thought, you shook your head. “That’s vague.” 

“It’s all I’ve got.” Father Sylus ran a hand behind his neck, almost nervously, eyes shifting and gaze searching. Another pause lingered between you, and you blinked a few times. He opened and closed his mouth, finally settling on placing both his hands on his hips, inclining his head to look at the stained glass windows. “That…and guilt.” 

His admission seemed weighted, and his voice was heavy. You watched him take a step forward, then hesitate. 

In that second, there was a great leap in understanding. You understood that he would not look directly at you because it would break this sacred reverence between you and whatever else was going on within his mind. 

Maybe it’d always been a game, and perhaps you knew deep down that this would be his next move. The inevitable, silent communication. Slowly, you folded your shaky arms over your chest. The look that flashed in his eyes made you shudder. With a new boldness, you swallowed and whispered: “Why are you telling me this?” 

Exhaling hard, you weren’t sure whether to scream, laugh, or cry as you awaited your answer.

He swallowed, his dark gaze teeming like a fire in the low light, the red burning. His lip curled. “Because I feel like you can understand it. Why I feel this way.” 

A sick urge, sharp and needy, had you crossing the space between you, the air shaking and trembling as he finally took another stride forward. Your eyes traced over his face. Deep and pained and beautiful. His chest heaved. A strange, bittersweet satisfaction filled you. 

“I - I can’t stop thinking about -” you broke off, words quivering as you spoke. “Us. The other night - it keeps going through my head, what I said, and -” your voice was breaking again, the achy, miserable desperation settling in. 

You could tell he was holding his breath, hands now clenched into fists, gaze searching and uncertain. “I didn’t mean to deceive you.” The words hung heavy as he stepped closer, finally closing the distance between you, tilting your chin, and forcing you to look at him. The grip held you firmly, though his eyes remained gentle and pleading. “I want nothing more than to pray - beg for your forgiveness. Try and restore whatever trust I’ve betrayed - but in all truth, God, I -” 

Another thick swallow, and he paused, the corner of his mouth twisting. He squeezed your chin lightly as if in search of some answer. Then his hand fell to his side, his head turning to look at the cross behind the altar. Something burned beneath your ribs. 

“What is it?” You whispered, trembling with the effort of not spilling all your unresolved thoughts. “Tell me - tell me something, anything, or - or -” You stopped yourself, feeling a little pathetic at not being able to formulate the proper words. 

“My path was never exactly clear, but,” Father Sylus swallowed thickly, sounding more scared than ever. “Someone I loved when I was younger - she -” A long sigh escaped his lips. “We were each other's firsts and…We loved each other very much.” He exhaled again. His face creased into sadness, reminiscent and haunting. A sharp pain, almost. One that lingered from emotions held within. The truth was there, plain as day, naked, heartbroken, and fragile. “She died when she was eighteen.” 

Pain squeezed at you mercilessly, tight and almost bone-crunching. You stepped closer, your brain slowly putting it all together, realization hitting. Then your bottom lip trembles as you reach out, taking hold of his hand and squeezing it. “I’m sorry,” you manage to say after a moment, “that must have been -” Another pause, trying to settle your lungs into a steadier breathing pattern. 

He squeezed your hand, looking at you, catching your gaze and holding it, unwavering. “I went to her funeral in a church far bigger than this one with twice the congregation. And later that day, when they put her down into the ground, I listened to the Monsignor pray over her soul.” He looked away again, this time up at the beams in the ceiling. “And I really listened to what he was saying for the first time. And I don’t know why, I just suddenly felt…” He trailed off, and you moved your hand further up his arm, willing him to continue by pressing your fingertips gently into his forearm. 

He smiled at the ceiling, faint and apologetic. “I felt at peace. Everything clicked into place. As stupid as that sounds. It was like something I couldn’t understand but needed. And, well,” he shrugged. 

“At last, it finally made sense to me,” he muttered. “The power God holds over us was always right there.” Then he turned to face you, his fingers reaching and resting on your cheek, tracing the soft skin of your jaw. “And now, I stand before you - finding these feelings again, the first true connection I’ve felt in years. I don’t mean to doubt anything…but I don’t know how to...” 

He let his voice drift off before tucking your hair behind your ear, movements tender. You wondered what he could see in your expression. 

“How did she die?” You asked quietly as if the question would destroy something in the air, but you needed to ask it anyway. 

The corners of his mouth trembled as he stroked his thumb along your jawline, offering you a small, grim smile. “She was mad at something, drank herself sick. Decided a joy ride on a motorcycle might be a good idea,” he turned his gaze to the ceiling again, and it finally hit you that he kept doing that as a trick to keep himself from crying. “She lost control and swerved, hit a wall head-on. Died on impact. Stupid girl with the dumbest ideas. She used to talk about seeing if the world curved or if the stars continued forever. She was funny and smart - but not as smart as she should have been. Her blood alcohol level came back three times the legal limit.” 

“That’s horrible,” you breathed. The puzzle pieces were assembled together. A crash. Drunk. How similar it was to your mother. Only your mother hadn’t met death head-on. It was still one of those things that made you wonder; which would have been worse? The chance was so similar yet unique. Still, as Father Sylus spoke about it, you swore you felt the faint sorrow he must still carry within himself.

“Sylus, I’m -” 

“Don’t be sorry.” He said, finally regaining a certain poise about his face, somehow managing to look warm even at this moment, smiling very softly. 

At his words, you realized you were breathing harder than before, and it didn’t go unnoticed as he scanned your face. You didn’t know what was wrong with you; you felt an emotion you could no longer explain. He had experienced loss, same as you, just not in the same way. 

Father Sylus let out a dry snort. “It’s not a happy memory, but something good comes from pain. Distrust to trust. Fear to courage. Hatred to love. To an extent, those things make you understand and appreciate everything.” 

You nodded, unable to stop yourself from wrapping your arms around his middle, convincing yourself you would forget how to breathe if you didn’t. You embraced him because it felt like the right thing to do, the smoothness of his shirt beneath your fingertips. His hand ran up along your side until it rested on your neck's base, soft, gentle, and warm. He exhaled a little before resting his chin on the top of your head. 

As he held you, you realized that this was what you had wanted. This was what you had really been aching for. Everything shifted again, changing, rushing with a tangle of nerves and dizziness. Nothing else would settle more easily than being cradled right there, where you could breathe him in. 

“Hey, do you -” He leaned back, both hands cupping your face, tilting it to meet his own. It took him a moment to formulate his question. “I shouldn’t ask, but - do you still want me?” 

Of course you did. More than anything. 

But even then, you should have stepped away. Should have walked out without another word, back to whatever fucking regular life you thought you had. But with whatever strength you had left, you pushed everything aside and quietly said, “Yes.” 

He had pressed you against the wooden door of the office, pinning you in place after dragging you in there and shutting the door. Not that you really had any intention of going anywhere. Not with his lips moving against yours, the desperation sending sparks along your skin.  His tongue darted out, parting your lips and moving into your mouth. Hungry and forceful and tasting every inch.

“You know,” he said as he pulled back, taking a second to breathe, “It’s so hard to be good when you’re so…” He trailed off, leaving you to only imagine what he would say. 

No, you had no words or any logical thoughts, really. Perhaps this was the closest thing to heaven you’d ever feel, surely. And Father Sylus ran his hands down your sides, slow and possessive, grabbing fistfuls of your sweater and bunching it up. Heat began spreading throughout your body as his fingertips crept underneath and stoked along the sensitive skin. 

“Will you let me in?” He mumbled, his lips now on the underside of your jaw as his palms spanned across your stomach as if trying to map out every inch of exposed skin. The blood pounded in your veins, pulsing in rhythm with your heartbeat.

“If this is what it feels like to be tempted,” you mused, gasping as he sucked on the skin above your collarbone, gripping the front of his shirt. “I have already failed. Miserably.” 

Letting out a hot breath that sounded an awful lot like laughter, he pulled away, a smile stretching across his lips, amused. “I suppose you really have,” he chuckled. His hands gripped your hips and spun you around so you were against his desk. Then he ducked down to press more kisses along your throat. The shivers returned as he lifted your sweater over your head, tossing it aside with another wicked grin. And for the first time, you noticed the hint of a dimple in the corner of his mouth. 

After a moment, Father Sylus fumbled with the buttons of his shirt until that, too, was discarded, skin suddenly bare. The sight made you stop, observing for a moment. For the first time, your fingers reached out and touched the skin of his chest, moving over the muscles and across his stomach. You marveled at the way he flinched slightly, inhaling sharply at your touch. 

Everything felt…hot, heavy, and inappropriate in the best way. 

And before you knew it, his hands were running up along the bare skin of your stomach, a barely-there brush that made your breath hitch. Then his hands were behind your back, unhooking your bra as his lips found yours again, rough and fervent. As it was removed, there was not a second of delay before his hands cupped both of your breasts, squeezing and drawing his thumbs over your nipples. 

“You’re so beautiful,” his hands shifted, fingers resting along the waistband of your jeans. 

It was like every little action was becoming overwhelming, sending pulsing waves through every nerve, vein, and muscle. When he popped the button, slid the zipper, and slowly eased the jeans down, the pulsing only got stronger—dizzying with its intensity. It was challenging to focus on anything else that would make more sense. Your mind was clouded. 

“Wait,” you breathed, sitting on the desk, pulling the clip from your hair and tossing it to the floor, the waves tumbling out. His hands never left you, still roaming over every little centimeter of you they could get access to, “I -” 

It didn’t need to be said, whatever it was. Because a grin broke out across his lips. A bright, glorious grin as Father Sylus pressed another harsh kiss to your lips like he could swallow the words down.

Stepping closer, he maneuvered you onto your back, your legs dangling over the edge of the desk. The smooth, cool wood pressed against the length of your spine and shoulders as you heard something that sounded like a book fall somewhere behind you. He gripped the soft flesh of your thighs, blunt nails digging in. Breath hitching, your heart thumped at the roughness and passion of his movements. Something animalistic and unrestrained lay just beneath the surface, waiting, ready. 

“Let me,” he urged quietly, fingers winding over the lace underwear, dragging them down the length of your legs. Fingers stroked up again, curling and caressing your inner thighs, one hand finally reaching the place where you were already desperate, soaking wet, and aching to be touched. Without hesitation, a digit dipped, sliding along your slick folds and slipping in easily. The motion made you bite down on your tongue as his other hand ran along the underside of your knee, urging your leg up and apart. 

You felt the pad of his thumb gliding over the little bundle of nerves, back and forth in a way that made you groan. 

“You are,” his voice was low, almost a growl, and his teasing continued. “So gorgeous, laying there. I can’t stop looking at you.” One finger became two. Slick and hot as they moved into you, each stroke moving deeper. All too suddenly, his lips were crashing down against yours, kissing you hard and desperately as if set on devouring you whole. 

The only thing keeping you stable was grabbing his shoulder and his upper arm. The sudden rise of pressure rushed around you. His thumb slipped, pressing down a bit more on your clit, drawing another gasp from you, a sound that filled the room. Then he pulled his hand away, an invisible weight settling when the digits were gone, leaving you empty and still aching for more. 

“I’m on birth control,” you managed, eyes blinking rapidly as you processed that this, in fact, was actually about to happen. The fullness beneath your belly was spooling tighter, coiling. 

It was only a few seconds; that’s all it took for him to undo his belt buckle, his length freed. Straining, leaking, begging to be inside you. The size of it makes you swallow a certain anxious lump in your throat. 

“Please.” The word spilled out before you could stop it. The coil inside you grew more and more tense and throbbing. You needed it now; the consequences didn’t matter, nor did the guilt or shame. “Please.”

His breathing hitched as if a long controlled flame within had been ignited. One of his hands rested on your hip, the other hooking under your opposite knee, parting you further and steadying himself. The tip of his cock pressed at your center. You didn’t have any time to prepare because, at that very moment, he was pushing further, sliding into you inch by inch. 

The heat and fullness and pleasure coursed, trembling through you. 

“Sweetheart,” he breathed, face buried in the crook of your neck, but you could hear the grin in his tone, the soft desperation in his voice. “You, you -” but his breath choked off as he pushed all the way inside, the moan that ripped through him cracked and hoarse. 

It took you a moment to feel him fully, gasping for air and dazed beyond what was really necessary. Holding tight, you wrapped an arm around his neck, exhaling hard. The room became a haze around the two of you, the entire moment almost suspended, paused, put on hold. 

When he moved his hips again, you whimpered as he hit somewhere deep, and your pleasure spiked. 

“Fuck,” he whispered against your skin, raising himself just enough to look at you, eyes glinting with a certain fervor. A little dark, a little feral, something wildly possessive and hungry and yearning all at once. “Oh, fuck,” he hissed, gritting his teeth and closing his eyes. Another jolt shot through you. Another strong thrust, this one harder than the last, followed by another. And another. It took a minute for him to set a rhythm, but when he did - you were sure the air was being pushed from your lungs each time. 

You couldn’t do anything but hang on. His mouth met yours in a sloppy, forceful kiss. Gasping and shuddering, you tried not to shout at the next jolt. The constant grind fills you every time. Deeper and sharper. The steady, thrumming pleasure. Intense and focused, as if Father Sylus were on a mission. Searching for something. Finding each sweet spot with whatever desperate greed drove him. Like now that he’d had the taste of something forbidden, he wanted the best of it - anything you could offer. 

He shifted slightly, and before you knew it, he hooked your leg over his shoulder, the deep angle making you arch from the desk. 

One hand tangled in his hair, the other on his shoulder, gripping hard and pulling him closer, trying to keep him buried deep inside of you. The friction built, the pace driving forward and drawing the pressure up, leaving you malleable and aching for release. But somehow, wanting it to last as long as possible. 

When the pleasure spooled tighter and tighter, every breath came short, coming fast and shorter. Until finally with one long, breathy whimper of an exhale, release washed over you, crashing like a wave. His name slipped out of your mouth, some deep, instinctual part of your brain keeping you present enough to utter it, still pulsing around him, shaking. 

And that brought him there, a little broken sound falling from his lips. Hips snapping, driving just the slightest bit further until he groaned into the side of your neck, spilling inside you. After a moment, the stillness settled between the two of you, heavy and thick. There was no actual sound other than ragged breathing. 

You stared at the ceiling, trembling and a bit boneless, wholly dumbfounded and satisfied. Then, with every ounce of energy left, you sat up, placing a hand on his chest.

“You okay?” 

A rush flooded through you at his question, and you struggled to make sense - to be logical and reasonable. 

“Yeah,” you said quickly, “I just. I…” What was the right wording? You trailed off, eyes focused somewhere beyond him. Struggling, you kept your eyes away. How could you possibly articulate the warmth that had settled over you, the lift in your confusion that had been gnawing at you until this moment? How could you explain feelings that make no real sense? 

“I feel at peace.” A near whisper because your words made it tangible, whatever it was. And really, you did feel lighter. It was as if something weighing on your shoulders had lifted in a way that wasn’t just because of the act that had been performed. 

“Really?” A sharp inhale of his breath. 

You nodded, reaching out to hold his face and running your thumbs along his cheekbones. Father Sylus slowly returned the nod, a tentative but wonderful, hopeful smile quirking up his lips—something bright and genuine, untouched by bitterness or remorse.

Serenity had sunken in with a comforting familiarity. Settling inside, like the feeling of returning home. Like the truth had opened its door. Acceptance and serenity. Understanding. Clarity, even. The knowledge you weren’t as broken or faulty as you thought. 

A moment passed, no words spoken. Then, still breathless and maybe a bit disbelieving, Father Sylus reached out and traced a cross on your brow with his thumb. 

“Did you just -” You blinked, a bit indignant as you huffed. “Did you just…bless me?”

He looked a bit sheepish, hands resting on your shoulders, thumbs rubbing gentle circles along your collarbone. “Guess I did.” With a slight chuckle, he leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on your forehead. 

Tag list: @celestialforce, @readerxyourbabe, @babyx91

[system-voices]

Hi everybody, I wanna start off by giving some context to the body & who I am.

I'm Kevin (👊) & the body is mixed, half white & half Filipino. I, in headspace, am a black alter.

One of our online friends has been showing us posts about alter races, the debate of whether or not their real, is it gatekeeping or justified to say that poc alters in white bodies (or even just of bodies that do not align to their race in headspace) cannot participate in practices of the cultures their races align with. You know, that type of debate.

Before I say what I'm going to say, I need to remind you all listen to the voices of POC & POC systems. Now, here's my particular take on this syscourse.

White bodied systems & their poc alters saying slurs or trying to justify white people's racist behavior are racist. You are in a white body, whether you have a host who is white, a core who is white, or even if you have no one in headspace who identifies as white it doesn't matter. It's racist. You're being actively racist. You are in a white body, people are perceiving you as white. You being in a white body means you have the responsibility to show other white bodies that saying slurs isn't okay. That certain racist behaviors aren't okay. & if this is something that offends you or makes you feel suddenly very defensive about your behaviors. Maybe you're more racist then you thought. This is not something like: "oh I have a Japanese alter & they have a Japanese name! I'd love to learn more about their culture & participate in certain parts of it that I can to bring joy to this alter" this is not who this is aimed at. If their name is a normal name from their culture or if their name is from a show/movie/media from that culture, that's fine. You guys indulging in open practices, clothes, food from that culture? No problem. This is normal, no matter if you're a system or not. Trying gate keep open things or (normal/public) names is the starting spiral to back tracking into racism. It's a slippery slope to suddenly being against interracial relationships & the debate if someone is "enough of X to talk about it". Cultural sharing is NOT cultural appropriation. If it is an open practice for anyone to partake in, then it's fine. Food, everyday clothing, learning about their culture, learning their language(s). This is something you can do even if you're not the race that culture is aligned with. This applies to any race. An alters race is real, but that does not mean they're being perceived as that race. & I wish a lot of those alters would realize that. Yes, I am black, but I am not being perceived that way. I'm not even being perceived like a man, another thing I am, because the body does not look that way. I am not being treated like a black man when I front. When I front I am being treated the way the outer world perceives the body: A white passing "woman". & because of that I don't say or do certain things that maybe I would if people could see & acknowledge my blackness. Along with the fact that my life experience is not the average black persons. I cannot speak on black peoples experiences I can only speak on my experience, & I accept that.

Some Reminders because I know this websites reading comprehension can be ass:

I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad, I'm saying this to state my thoughts on a topic. This is not secretly about gatekeeping culture. It's about not letting more white bodied systems, or white people, try & use those alters to "justify" their racist behavior without having to do any self reflection.

LISTEN TO POC & POC SYSTEMS, BEGGING PLEADING ON MY KNEES YOU GUYS!!!

[astrojulia]

Disclaimer: These general free readings are made in good faith for entertainment purpose.

Warnings:There are piles that contain more personal subjects such as trauma.

Hello dear, how are you? The most votes PAC was Your True Passion, I am doing all the themes on the list little by little since all of them received votes. Thank you all for participating and I hope you enjoy your reading!

How to pick a pile

When you have different cards to choose from in pile 1,2,3… look at each of those cards. Wait until someone reminds you of a memory. Perhaps a character’s outfit resembles one of your own. It is this pile that has its message. What if they all remind me of something? Go for the one with the strongest memory, one might look like her earring but another might be the favorite candy you got from your grandma when you vacationed at her house. But what if none reminds me of something? Take a deep breath and wait a little longer, without charging yourself or creating worries. Relax, some will awaken some memory in you, I promise! .

Credits: Piles images: here. Template: here

Pile 1

Your true passion involves helping humanity in its most catastrophic moments. There is helping someone who needs a meal and there is helping someone who has lost everything and sees no reason to live, you're in the second case. This includes social assistance, medicine, fortune telling, firefighter, police officer... Jobs that often require you to see a person in their most vulnerable moment, jobs where you can save a life in various ways, witness various stories and change several lives.

To get closer to this today, you need energy, to have your own will to live and face life, today you no longer have that sparkle in your eyes, that fire in your soul... It may be due to physical, mental and psychological reasons. If it's physical, seek your nutritionist and doctor to give you the necessary vitamins. If it's mental, improve all your self-knowledge and look for books and courses that can improve your essence. If it's psychological, look for the most accessible therapy for you, don't give up, you're not lazy, you're unhealthy.

You can also do the spell from "Book of Spells" by Paulina Cassidy page 75:

Booster Walk You’ll need: - A music device and airphones; - A relaxing and safe route for walking; Make sure you’re wearing comfortable walking shoes. Put your phones on, and start walking quickly! As you breathe in and out, using long, deep breaths, imagine white light flowing through you, invigorating your body, mind and spirit. With every step, feel your energy boosting. Walk as long you feel this energy.

After you have reconnected with your essence, there are several ways to exercise your true passion in your life as a whole. Here I present three.

One of them is to help sick or vulnerable people such as children and the elderly. You will need a lot of spiritual strength, to live a life where you know that when you leave your house, your pains and problems are left behind and the only thing that matters is helping someone else. You will need to be a person who has the courage to do whatever it takes and assume all your responsibilities, because here you will have to embody all the stereotypes of what a responsible adult really is.

The second involves more writing, but not exactly creative writing, but rather a more didactic one, such as being a teacher of any type of subject. If you happen to be the type who hates studying out of responsibility, there is also the other side of living for dance,so the effort of living with your face in books and huge texts is all going to learn about your own body, in these two options they both involve a lot of teaching for future generations, you learn to accumulate knowledge and help the next person not to make the mistakes you made.

The third and last one talks about building communities that support people in their doubts and difficulties, creating a safe space where people can be their best version and this doesn't need to be anything grand, it can be a place where they can gather to have an afternoon coffee and talk about dreams and nightmares.

In all three options, there is a lot of hope for a better future and a confrontation against the cruelty of the world, you need to learn from your own tragedies, live them and leave them behind to help others.

Pile 2

Your true passion is to succeed in life, to be better than your parents ever were, to rub in the faces of people who bullied you in school that you are much better than them. For this, you will need to align two very difficult things... which are ego and humility. You will need to have a healthy self-esteem and ego to know that you are capable and humility to not think you are better than everyone else and step on others. What is lacking for you to do this today is motivation, it’s like you want to do something but can’t see any path to achieve that goal. I will give you a spell from my book, but know that to get what you want you will have to follow a different path from your friends and ancestors, you will have to chase your dreams alone and fight for them until they become a reality.

But to give you a little push now, I give you the spell from "Book of Spells" by Paulina Cassidy page 125-126:

The Garden of Motivation Take a section of the yard, if not possible pick a vase, you will consecrate as your motivation garden. Each day you will tend to it taking any amount of time needed. Weed, water, feed and care for this garden, picturing what you want it to be in the future. Add anything to your garden that makes you happy, such as wind chimes, garden sculptures, gemstones, outdoor candle holders and pretty stones. This is your garden, so make it and keep it a reflection of yourself, and your motivation. When weeding your garden, you’re in turn weeding away the negativity from you. As you nurture and cultivate this garden over time you’re nurturing and cultivating your own ambitions. As an extra tip, you can plant something and give it your dream name or even your own name. If you truly want results, you will enjoy the work to achieve them. Happy gardening!!!

There are always more than one way to achieve your dreams, I talk about three.

The first one talks much more about enjoying your own life than anything else, you know, there comes a point where we have everything we wanted years ago and still aren't happy because we want more things, that is, we didn't even enjoy all the effort we had. You will need to take a break from the rush of life from time to time to pamper yourself, to see how much you have achieved and be proud of what you already have.

The second way is to leave the city or country where you were born, maybe you already have the dream of living somewhere else, a connection with another culture that you don't even understand what it is, but for you to be happy with your life you you will need to face the fear of abandoning all the comfort and security of living in a place you already know to go somewhere you don't know.

The third is to do almost the same thing as the second, leave where you live (do you hate your home? just kidding), but now it's for work and study. Where is the best college you can go? Can you go there? You should.

All options speak of physically leaving the place where you are and not stressing yourself thinking about all the things you still need to do, but being aware that you are responsible for achieving your dreams without being tied to the future, enjoying the present and being proud from past.

Pile 3

Your true passion is independence. Not owing anything to anyone, not having to wait for someone else's decision to do what you want. You want to be rich and enjoy everything you have sown. You are afraid of having to ask for something from someone, since you want to be your own provider and what is lacking today is a more abundant look. There are times when you are very pessimistic, more afraid of running out of something than acquiring something, it's like you chase after things not because you want them, but because you're afraid of running out. It's like you go to work not because you want to spend the money to buy McDonald's or enter that course, but to not run out of money when you need it.

Something that can help you get rid of this fear of scarcity is the spell from "Book of Spells" by Paulina Cassidy page 147:

Prosperity Bath You’ll need: - Fresh ginger root; - A handful of cinnamon sticks; - A bunch of fresh basil; - A piece of cheesecloth and rubber band Put all ingredients into the cheesecloth and tie with the rubber band. Allow the pouch to soak in the water as you run your bath. When you step into your bath, relax and envision prosperity streaming to you. Know that you will receive all that you need. (Julia notes: normally we do our baths making a “tea” with the ingredients and at the end of your normal bath you pour the “tea” into your body, avoiding your head, and then you let your body dry naturally).

There are several ways to achieve your true passion, but I always mention three:

The first is going back to doing that childhood dream that you left behind a long time ago because you thought it didn't make money. What was? Sing, draw, write, paint? You can go back to doing what you like, but now as an adult you have the opportunity to study, take a course and improve your skills.

The second thing you can do is much more perverse... You hold a lot of grudges from people who hurted you. You carry a lot of trauma and anger and that's it, either you take revenge the way you want or leave all that behind and move on with your life, go to a therapist or solve your problems, the way you are now, no no matter what you do, it's going to be out of fear and not for passion.

The third talks about opening yourself up more to life's possibilities, you've been so locked up, so focused on survival and forgot that you can just live, the world is full of opportunities and you have the competence to put effort into something and make it your own work or hobby, you don't have to beat yourself up, you don't have to suffer to be worthy of happiness.

All options speak of fear and trauma, of how you are still chained to the past and it is not letting you be happy, know that time heals all wounds and that life does not give greater challenges than our own strength.

Pile 4

Your true passion is to answer "What is the meaning of life?", because you want to live it. There is a lot of curiosity here, wanting to know more, having answers to all questions and a tiredness of seeing that everything is always the same,like the world will never change. What you have control over and can change is yourself, the world will change... in very, very slow steps, until then, revitalize yourself every day.

Something that can help you have energy is the spell from "Book of Spells" by Paulina Cassidy page 184:

Vitality Broom Dance You’ll need: - A broom; - Citrus-scented incense, or citrus essential oil and an oil diffuser; - Upbeat music; Light the incense or oil diffuser. Begin playing the music. With your broom, begin sweeping the room in unison to the beat of the music. Sweep in a counterclockwise direction to purify the room and remove negative energies. Then, sweep clockwise direction to build harmony, balance and vitality. This spell will get your cells pulsating as you awaken the healing flow of vitality within and around you.

There are several ways to make your dreams come true, but I always indicate three:

The first is to pursue knowledge and get involved with younger people or those whom you have seen as ignorant until now. Everyone has their truths, and uneducated people often learn too much from life. Maybe you have that simple grandmother who knows how to do many things... Be aware that you will be an eternal apprentice, carrying your own truth without needing to harm others.

The second way is to get involved with people in a joyful way, to celebrate life and have fun with all the material world. Life is abundant and has a lot to offer you, you can learn not only in studies, but also at parties and conversations.

The last one is already the most complicated, as it talks about being able to maintain a balance between social life and solitary life. You are very prone to work which the law (judges, lawyers), professions that require a lot of studying to achieve, that suffer their own dangers and pleasures. You can follow this path, but you can't get lost in it and become dogmatic.

All options talk about people, you you can learn from people, how you can you protect them when necessary. Don't be afraid of society, you will see that there are many more good people than bad ones, it's just that the bad ones are louder.

[cosmitton]

benjicot blackwood enemies/rival to lovers (?) with bracken!reader headcanons

A/N: I originally started writing this the day after the episode with “Benji” came out and never finished it until today, lol, so it’s not a very original idea. Sorry lol.

I know that he might not be Benji and that the show called him Davos, but idc idc idc. I think he fits as an aged-up Benji so that’s what he’ll be to me lol. Maybe if they give us actual Benji later in the show, I’ll come back to edit this to Davos. You can think of this as either Benji or Davos, it’s up to you but I’m referring to him as Benji.

Also, I can’t believe that the first thing I’m writing for HOTD is just because of this rabid squirrel that was on screen for maybe 5mins LMAO

Benjicot Blackwood x Bracken!F!Reader

Enemies/Rivals to Lovers(?)

Warnings: nsfw (not full-on smut, just a bit I think), a little violence, Benji being a little shit lol, reader is easily irritated oop-

As with pretty much everyone in House Bracken, you were raised to hate the Blackwoods

Regardless of whether or not anyone even remembered why at this point

As a woman, naturally there were a lot of people that opposed to you learning how to fight or participating in battle

No matter how hard you fought for it, it wasn’t your place

But you weren’t the type to just accept being pushed aside so easily

And, oddly enough, Benji was different from the other men you knew

He didn’t seem to care very much that you were a woman fighting, he just wanted someone to talk shit to

He cared more that you were a Bracken, and, even more than that, you were fun to fight and mess with

At this point, you couldn’t remember when or how this started, but it was a relatively regular occurrence for the two of you to butt heads

Occasionally coming to physical blows

Like right now

Benji really needed to learn how to shut up if he didn’t want to get punched in the face

Though he would probably say the same about you

Despite the fact that you both had swords you could’ve used, you both have a tendency to use fists with each other

“Here you spend all your time trying to prove yourself a fighter and that’s the best you can do? What a shame, Bracken.”

“Fuck yourself, Blackwood. You can prattle all you want but you have yet to draw blood when I have.”

Benji laughs, not even bothering to wipe that blood from his mouth

You try to ignore what the sight of him bloody does to you

“I’m merely being kind. We both know how much you enjoy having your hands on me. Who am I to deprive you?”

You can feel the heat creeping up your neck and into your face, but before you can respond, Benji is suddenly much closer to you

You didn’t realize how fast he could be

“Although, I’m sure we could figure out a much better way to have your hands on me if you’re so desperate.”

You’re stubbornly trying to ignore the feelings his deeper, raspy voice inspires in your belly

Instead you focus on the rage that hits you immediately

You’re both long past decorum at this point, so you don’t think twice before rushing him to tackle him to the ground

Benji’s still laughing, seeming to think this is all a game

You’re rolling around on the grass now, both of you trying to gain the upper hand on the other

For a moment, Benji uses his weight to pin you down

“I knew you couldn’t resist rolling around with me. We could find some place more comfortable-”

You bite his hand that’s pinning your shoulder

When he pulls away with a sound that’s halfway between amused and surprised, you throw your weight to roll him over

“Give up now, Blackwood, and I won’t cave your skull in.”

“You’d never harm my face, you enjoy it too much.”

“You’ve got quite a mouth on you, would that you could back it up.”

“Oh, you like my mouth, don’t you, Bracken? Don’t worry, I could show you just how talented it is if you’re so interested.”

You go to punch him before you come to a realization

Benji’s just laying there

He isn’t even trying to get up or throw you off

“What are you doing?”

“What?”

“You’re not even attempting to push me off.”

Benji grins and you immediately regret asking in the first place

“Why would I? I can get on board with you being on top if you so wish to be.”

You’re exasperated, what did you expect

You roll your eyes, frustrated that you’re not getting anywhere with this

Ignoring that you’re also frustrated because of the images his words conjure and, he’s right, you wouldn’t mind being on top either

“You’re a fool.”

You get up to walk away from him

You should’ve expected that Benjicot Blackwood wouldn’t give up so easily

He scrambles to tackle you by the knees and you catch yourself before you faceplant into the ground

Benji’s weight lands against your back and presses your chest down, your arms folded between the grass and your body

“Blackwood! Get the fuck off of me!”

His laugh is right next to your ear now and you hate the way it sends a thrill down your spine

“Come now, little spitfire, you’re running already?”

“I’d never run from a craven like you! I’ve just decided you’re not worth my time.”

You’re trying to wriggle out from underneath him, embarrassed by the way the warmth of his body encompasses yours

“Careful, you might hurt my feelings.”

“I’ll hurt you in much worse ways than that if you don’t get up immediately.”

You try to push yourself up by your arms, but that just presses you against him even more

And he makes a noise that’s like a sigh and a groan

Gods

That noise should not make your face warm and your thighs tingle the way it does

You’re both frozen now, unsure what to do with that new development

He drops his head so that it’s pressed against your neck and shoulder now

“…Ben?”

“I told you to be careful…” his voice is much deeper now, and you can feel it rumble from his chest and through your back

You could also feel something pressed against your ass

“What are you doing?” You ask again, because you don’t know what else to say

“Nothing.” He replies, but you can feel his hands on your waist now

You refuse to acknowledge the fact that you’re not trying to get away from him anymore

His hands start to move slowly up toward your chest, as if giving you a chance to tell him to back off

You don’t

You can feel his breath against your skin from where his face is tucked against your neck still

You’re breathing hard by the time his hands reach your chest

You know he can feel it because you can feel his smile against you

But he’s breathing hard too

Still, the idea that he’s affecting you more than you’re affecting him annoys you so you press yourself back against him harder

You’re rewarded with the same low noise he made earlier and you feel the same tingles between your thighs

He must take this as a challenge, too, because one of his hands moves to your thigh and squeezes

“Must I warn you yet again to be careful?” Benji breathes

“You may as many times as you wish, however I may not listen.”

He laughs breathlessly and presses himself harder against you, pushing you against the ground

In response, you press back again

And you two continue like that, pushing and pulling like the ocean, rhythmic

His hand moves further up your thigh, pressing between them

Your legs part further without thought

You’re not thinking of much but Benji anymore

The movements of his hips are getting more frantic, his breathing heavier

His hand finally slips down the trousers you’re wearing to touch your skin directly

And you learn that Benjicot Blackwood doesn’t know how to shut up even now

“Gods, I always wondered how soft you’d be.”

“I knew you’d be so warm, I dreamt about it.”

“I bet you’re so beautiful, too. Pretty little princess.”

“So wet, gods, have you thought about this as much as I have?”

You wondered if he even knew what he was saying at this point, considering it all just sounded like rambling now

But you also couldn’t deny it, you had thought about this multiple times – even in your dreams

You have no awareness of how quiet or loud the noises you’re making might be right now

Probably for the best, though – you’d most likely be embarrassed

Either way, you know Benji can still hear you because he won’t stop smiling

If you weren’t so distracted by his fingers right now, you’d punch his smug face again

He’s lucky his hands make up for his personality

You’re almost nervous by the feeling that’s quickly creeping up on you right now – having never experienced it before and unsure of what exactly will happen

He must notice by the way that you’re squirming, almost trying to get away

“It’s alright,” he murmurs, kissing your neck, “I’ve got you. I’m here, relax.”

You figure he must know more about it than you, which isn’t exactly surprising from what you’ve heard about what boys his age typically get up to at night

So you relax and give into the feelings he conjures in you with his fingers

He must be feeling similar things by the low moan-breaths he’s making and the quickening of his hips

You gasp, pressing your mouth against the back of your hand that grips the grass underneath you, when that building pressure finally snaps

Your thighs, almost on instinct, start to close around his hand that doesn’t stop moving between them

But his other hand moves to squeeze at your hip when his finally still, pressing his open mouth against your neck as he gasps lowly

His hips finally slow, seeming to come back to the world as you do

He’s still softly touching you, until you start to feel a bit too sensitive and squirm away

You’re both silent for a moment, aside from your harsh breaths

And now that you’re back to reality – you’re faced with one question more important than the others

Where do you two go from here?

[final-script]

Royal In The Paddock | CS55

Pairing: Carlos Sainz Jr. x PrincessOfSpain!Reader

Sumary: The Princess of Spain for the first time in the paddock.

Warnings: English is not my first language !!!There are probably many mistakes (I will correct them later).

Gif: overtake

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It was very unusual for the Spanish royal family to participate in this type of event.

This was because most of the time, they were busy in real duties outside the country, but this time that did not happen, at least not with you.

Your parents did have to fulfill some duties, but you were completely free, which excited you since you had obtained permission and were going to attend the Spanish Grand Prix for the first time.

You were thrilled by the power, at last witnessing, what you saw, almost every weekend on TV

(…)

In the company of your assistant and a bodyguard they received the paddock of the GP of Spain.

Many surprised faces around you and you understood them, it was not very common to see Spanish royalty in a Grand Prix.

The group moved through the terrain, meeting several of the pilots and directors along the way, exchanging a few words with each one.

The Aston Martin and Ferrari teams were the teams with which you spent the most time, these being the teams that had a Spanish driver, they were all very kind answering your questions, also surprised about your show of interest.

(…)

I thank God for the training for public events that I have had over the years.

Thanks to that I was managing to behave, if I was excited to be in a GP, but I was also excited to meet the Spanish Driver, dressed in Ferrari red.

Little did they know but you had a little secret love for him.

After today, hopefully I will be allowed to attend the next GP.

C- I hope I arrived on time and that Fernando has not overtaken me, but it would be a pleasure if you could join us and watch the race from here on the wall of Pits. I observed my assistant and he gave me the go-ahead.

I think that for a moment we were leaving aside some orders but nothing and nobody took away what I lived.

P Y/N- It will be a pleasure to accept the offer. I felt the touch of my assistant, which indicated that we had to leave, which was all for today. -I would like to stay longer, but I must go and I hope it will be a good race for both.

I shook hands with those present and left the garage with my companions.

(...)

Arrive earlier on race day so you can chat with some spectators in the area.

I was able to meet the families of Ferrari drivers and even some celebrities.

I screamed internally when Carlos came up again to talk to me.

P Y/N- How do you feel for today?

C- I want to believe that I am lucky and even more so if you are supporting me.

P Y/N- Please leave you for my mother, at least while she is not present.

C- okay, then, I want to believe that I am lucky and even more if you are present.

I could feel the heat rising up my face, I just hoped the tone didn't change much or at least I didn't notice it.

P Y/N- I don't think you need luck, you have the wit.

A couple of hours later, I didn't give him the winning trophy, but a solid second place.

After handing out the trophies to the guys on the podium, I went back to Ferrari's hospitality, where I had been offered to stay, until the people calmed down a bit and I could leave with peace of mind.

(...)

I enjoyed a snack, until I saw Carlos appear again through one of the doors, this time he no longer wore his race suit but still, he looked very good.

C- princesa (princess). It caught my attention even though I was already observing it. -I came to say goodbye, I know that soon he will leave and I wanted to wish him a good trip back.

P Y/N- Thank you for seeing you approached, it gives me the opportunity to thank you for the beautiful hospitality you have given me this weekend, the only thing I regret is not having been able to give you the winning trophy, I hope next year it can be.

C- hopefully it is, but… If you are not very bold of me, there is something I would like to ask of you, if possible and if you agree, clearly.

P Y/N- I definitely have no way of knowing if you don't tell me. We both laughed.

C- tell me if I'm being daring , but… I don't want to have to wait until next year to see her, I would like to invite her to dinner. Wow, I think I didn't expect that or maybe I did, but in my dreams.

I think I stayed quiet too long but….

C- you know that… Forget it, I'm sorry I was daring.

PY/N- What?… NO, wait, sorry, you're not being daring at all, I just didn't expect it. I managed to tell before he walked away.

C- then what does it say?

P Y/N-I would love to have dinner with you, only first I have to finish with some commitments, then maybe we can meet, although to fix that I think I will have to have your contact.

Smiling quickly he gave me his phone and I myself scheduled my personal number.

P Y/N- I apologize if we delay in meeting.

C- when it's okay, I understand you're busy, in fact I will be too, I just wanted to make sure I would see her again.

P Y/N -I can only say, I do not know when it will be but I hope it will be soon.

C- Mee too.

With our lives, I didn't know where this was going, but I wanted to find out.

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ANOTHERS

Royal Wedding - Carlos Sainz Jr. x PrincessOfSpain!Reader

No More Secret - Mason Mount x Reader