#and now failed the second time by not being able to prevent this stupid drama bullshit from happening again and for not catching it. and jf

[pepprs]

hi update things are fucking terrible and my eyes hurt from sobbing. lol

[orsuliya]

Dear General, just talk to your wife!

Let it be said: any male hero who interferes in his partner’s reproductive ability without her permission and/or knowledge is usually immediately cancelled in my eyes. That is certainly the case for any piece of media set in modern times. Fantasy/historical heroes get a bit of leeway depending on the cultural context, although not always. But the thing is, just as there are no blanket excuses, there are also no blanket condemnations. And you know what?

I do have to give Xiao Qi a get-out-of-immediate-cancellation card in this case! But not before examining his motivations and all mitigating circumstances. To be clear, I’m up to episode 37 at the moment.

So prepare yourself for Five Reasons Xiao Qi Is Very Much Not Cancelled (But He Certainly Deserves A Very Stern Talking To And Then Maybe A Hug).

To recap: Xiao Qi was told that Awu’s health is fragile and while she is able to get pregnant, any pregnancy is very risky and a considerable danger to her life. Upon hearing this he is visibly moved; three months later, when Awu comes back from the temple, there is a re-do wedding at the Yuzhang Manor, during which Xiao Qi announces that Wang Xuan is going to be the only woman in his life. At some point – either at the temple or after the wedding – Awu starts taking medicine prescribed by the Imperial Physician. The medicine, as Auntie Xu later discovers, is actually a tonic, which can be used to prevent conception. Eventually, though, after a year or two of continuous use, it will render a woman infertile for life. As of episode 37 (41 if I choose to trust the raws) Awu does not know what is going on.

And now onto the list!

1. The man is probably the most panicked he has ever been in his life and his mental state is not that great at the moment.

The first thing to remember is that this whole ‘let’s make Awu infertile’ decision is not taken in a void. It is not a case of an isolated event; the choice comes at an end of a veritable Trauma Conga Line. The exact timeline is very muddled, but in the last few months (up to a year) Awu has been: kidnapped, rescued, attacked by assasins, forced to deal with a rebelling city and then a siege, sent straight into a murderous conspiracy and then recruited to deal with a coup… and only then she was put in the very centre of a second coup courtesy of Daddy Wang. Which caused her to lose her child and her mother on the same day. And let’s not forget all the broken illusions about her family and her first love. That’s a lot to deal with and she is pure steel with a spine of titanium, there is no doubt as to that. But she is not the only one who’s had a really hard year.

From the kidnapping onwards Xiao Qi has been with Awu on this road; more often that not away from her physically, true, but from the moment he declared her his wife who will share his life and death…? He’s been in 100%. And being the strong, dependable, ride or die guy has taken its toll, one way or another.

It is quite noticeable that with every Big Damn Heroes moment he pulls off he gets more and more affected. The bridge rescue and its aftermath? Cool as a cucumber; the guilt and responsibility is certainly there, no fear though. Breaking of Huizhou siege? He’s proud as hell of her accomplishments, but he really came at the very last moment – she was getting ready to be killed rather than taken hostage. And there is this noticeable undertone of relief there. The Red Wedding? By then he is panicking. Hard. Which he readily admits, so it’s not pure conjecture. This man, who has never been afraid of attacking armies and not really afraid of death either, is scared as f***. Mind you, it’s not like he’s ever had anyone to be really scared for before; his soldiers are a different case altogether. And this time he was late, which makes for a really fertile soil for various ‘what-ifs’ during those two days when Awu is unconscious. He was late despite basically pulling off a miracle and risking entering the capital with only 10 000 troops.

And then and only then Daddy Wang pulls out all the stops. Two days of watching his unconscious wife is nothing compared to what happens then. First she runs into the middle of opposing forces, completely disregarding any danger to herself. For him (and her father, but that is beside the point)! I am sure that Song Huaien relayed her words to Xiao Qi once the dust settled. Then... Princess Jinmin dies and Awu starts bleeding.

After… After he claims responsibility for Princess Jinmin’s death. There is no doubt he is feeling doubly, triply responsible for the miscarriage. He can’t really help his wife. And he is grieving for their child. Not only for Awu’s sake, but for his own too.

It all culminates with the Imperial Physician telling Xiao Qi that there is another battle to be fought, one which Awu will probably enter with minimal hesitation and in which he is not going to be able to pull a Big Damn Heroes rescue. So in that moment he clutches at his heart… And – at least I think that’s the moment - takes a split-second decision: NOT AGAIN. Everything after that? He’s only holding to a chosen course.

2. He is feeling guilty as all hell and is overcompensating hard.

Xiao Qi is the epitome of a hyper-responsible hero. And not in the ‘Woe is me, everything is my fault!’ way that brooding heroes tend to veer to. No empty anguish or dramatic self-flagellation there! He is very matter of fact about both his responsibility and perceived guilt. Soldiers die under his command? He will honour their memory and take care of their families. Awu gets kidnapped by his personal enemy? He will admit his guilt without any excuses and offer recompense. Princess Jinmin becomes a victim of a stand-off that he did not even provoke? He will take the blame and then redeem himself by swearing an oath that he will not fail to protect Awu. And he takes his oaths very, very seriously, otherwise the Ma family would have a Really Big Problem.

All that responsibility comes from both his own character and the force of habit. Nobody ever worries about me, he says. To his soldiers he is the strong, infallible one and so he keeps this facade intact despite knowing it’s a load of bull.

So this hyper-responsible man has unwittingly sent his wife into danger, into battle (!) three times already (kidnapping, rebellion in Huizhou, Zilu’s coup) and was part of the reason she entered the fourth one. And while she has acquitted herself brilliantly every time, she paid a very steep price for saving him/the Empire. In his mind, he owes it to her and to Princess Jinmin for it to never ever happen again. And so he is not going to send her into the battle of childbirth for anything under the sun! The thing is, Awu is brave as hell and would enter it willingly in a blink of an eye. So he is arranging things so that she can never do that in the first place.

3. Xiao Qi is trying to spare Awu from mental and emotional anguish. It’s a pattern and one wildly spiraling out of control.

It’s really, really starting to show that Xiao Qi is used to being regarded as the infallible one, the one who must always find a solution and save as many people as he can. And while it is not a problem in Ningshuo, when he needs to tell Awu the truth about her father (and still he hesitates!), it tends to come through quite strongly in moments of stress and/or danger. Which is understandable, I think. In Ningshuo the stakes are not as high, everybody is safe and they are in the middle of Xiao Qi’s fortress, the very centre of his power. If there is any place he feels safe and at home, it’s right there. The capital is a wholly different kettle of fish; even on his first visit Xiao Qi is – quite reasonably – wary and on guard. For him the capital is behind enemy lines. So he reverts to his Infallible General mindset more and more: he keeps telling Awu things, but not all of them (money) and not always immediately (Hulans asking for a bride). Which is really stupid of him since Awu is in many areas just as smart - if not smarter - than him.

It’s not only the Infallible General mindset, though. In fact, that is the least of the problems there. By this point the panic is really setting in and so is the guilt. There is one more thing, though. Xiao Qi has this tendency towards self-deprecation. He does not wallow in it, but the undercurrent of his perceived social inferiority emerges from time to time, moreso in the capital. And it does factor in his behaviour; I sense that he has this need to keep deserving her. Coupled with devotion, it pushes him into a very touching, but also potentially dangerous single-mindedness.

Saving Daddy Wang by kneeling all night long clearly shows that Xiao Qi will stop at nothing to spare Awu’s heart, life and health. Personal pride? Enmity towards Daddy Wang? Political expedience? Disregarded completely. So what’s a year or two of lying if it means Awu lives? He’s set himself a Goal: protect Awu, just as he promised before Princess Jinmin’s grave. And it’s really been blinding him since.

Notice that he did not tell her about saving Daddy Wang either. She had to find out from His Imperial Spudness! True, it all worked out fine then, but whatever his reasons, he still did not tell her. And yes, I get that his reasons were really noble, but! But it is still a pattern, one that I hope she will break him out of rather sooner than later.

4. He is making a great sacrifice too; hear me out! And he does not leave himself an out.

This is the kind of argument that launches a flaming discussion, so please, be gentle. Anyway, we are not going to speak of whether any man has the right to make unilateral decisions about his wife’s body, that’s neither here nor there in this case, since it does not really enter into consideration in the drama itself.

What is clearly very important in the drama is the idea of family lines. The Wang and Xie families are all about this idea of legacy and bloodlines. Bloodlines are Important: propagating the bloodline is Wang Su’s main duty and both families fight over whose blood will sit on the throne. This clan mentality is clearly a Very Serious Business. Admittedly, Xiao Qi is an outsider to the clan-based society of upper classes. But even though his primary social group consists of his brothers-in-arms, he is very acutely attuned to the idea of family being the most important thing. It shows in many aspects of his life: in the care he gives to his soldiers’ families, in the consideration he gives Awu when she encounters another heartbreaking truth about her relatives and in the way he seems to take for granted that she will not stop caring for Daddy Wang no matter what. Also, he clearly likes kids, the mysterious shadow child gave us this much.

So it is not out of the realm of possibility that he would really like to have a child of his own. And why wouldn’t he? Awu may have trouble bearing him children, but there is nothing stopping him from taking a concubine or a dozen for this very purpose. Any other man in this drama would have (maybe except Zilu…?). And the society would not judge him, especially if the truth about Awu’s condition came out. It really is not a monogamistic society. Moreover, since Daddy Wang is not in the picture any more, nobody can even try to force Xiao Qi to keep to one bed (or poison his concubine…), not with his current position and power.

And what is the very first thing he does after Awu comes home? He declares – in public and with great pomp! - that Awu will be his only woman, thus staking his honor and reputation on all his children being hers. Which with the tonic in play means that there will be no children. It is a decision he takes very deliberately and in direct response to the previous events and the Wangs’ fall from grace. In fact, I wager this whole monogamy clause is a way not only to quell the rumours and stop any scheming families in their tracks, but also to keep things fair as much as it is even possible. Awu will not have children, well, neither will he.  

5. He is setting himself up and preemptively hogging all the guilt and blame.

The short yet very poignant exchange with Pang Gui in episode 37 makes it clear that Xiao Qi knows quite well he is going to be found out sooner or later. Sure, he would rather that Pang Gui kept mum about everything, but in reality he leaves it wholly up to his judgment. Which tells me that Xiao Qi is not willing to ‘kill’ for this secret. In fact, it might suit his plans if it were to come out… though not at the moment. Maybe after the requisite year or two, once Awu is no longer in any danger. Relying on what we know about his character, I think he is wholly prepared for the truth to eventually come out and then to take all the blame. And I mean ALL the blame. As in: Awu will have no reason to blame herself for her fragile health and thus inability to bear children, if it’s actually Xiao Qi’s fault. He will have gotten her infertile, so her actual ability to give birth safely will be immaterial. She will put all her anger on him and not on herself, and anger he can take, it’s her getting quiet that he can’t cope with. And to hell with what it does to their marriage, she will be alive. Is it stupid, stupid thinking? Sure. But quite probable when you’re dealing with a man this hyper-responsible and clearly unused to family dynamics.

And that’s that. Do I think he is being a single-minded fool? Sure. The man is not perfect after all! Does he need to talk to Awu? Of course, but I get where his unwillingness to do just that comes from. Is it going to bite him in the ass really, really hard? Oooooh, is it! But Xiao Qi is not cancelled and if Awu forgives him, then so should we all.

[reinosaurs]

Connected (A KoiTsudu Fanfic)

Genre: Fluff, Drama, Romance

Characters: Nanase Sakura, Kairi Tendo

Disclaimer: I don't own KoiTsudu but this fanfic is made by yours truly.

Note: Long distance relationship? She says 'good morning' when he says 'good night'. Two hearts are miles away from seeing each other. Nanase studying abroad and Tendo-sensei was badly missing her!

•••🌸•••🌸•••🌸•••🌸•••

After eating his dinner, Tendo cleaned the plates and proceed to clean the kitchen counter.

For a second, he glanced at his phone above the table and continued his work. Once everything is neat and clean, he opened his laptop, wore his glasses and sat down.

For the nth time, he glanced at the phone and sighed. He had been checking it every now and then - waiting for it to ring. Waiting for someone to call.

He looked up and checked the time from the wall clock.

Did she lose the track of time again?

He stretched his neck from side to side and began typing to his laptop.

*ring*

In less than a second, Tendo grabbed the phone as it rang and immediately answered it.

"Nanase---"

"Kairi!"

He frowned. That doesn't sound like her? Her removed the phone from his ear to checked who the hell was calling him.

Ryuko.

"Hello? Kairi? Are you still there?"

Tendo frustratedly groaned and lift his hand to remove his glasses. He leaned back to the chair and answered his drunk sister.

"What?"

"Good evening, little brother!" Ryuko laughed. "I will not go home tonight, okay? I'm at Risa's house and we have a pretty overnight party here. Don't miss me too much. Byeeee~!"

And the call ended.

Tendo sighed and dropped the phone at the table. He watched as the clock's hand move from one number to another and the room filled nothing but the sound of its ticking.

*ring*

The phone rang for the second time. Sitting up straight, he grabbed it and checked who was calling him. Well, he really doesn't want to hear his annoying drunk sister's voice again.

When he saw Nanase's name on the screen, he immendiately answered it and stood up - walking towards the appartment's balcony.

"Nanase,"

"Tendo-sensei! I'm sorry I called you late! I lost my wallet and I struggle a bit on finding it. But I found it now and I just ate my lunch!"

Tendo leaned at the balcony. Smirking, he shook his head. "Baka.."

Nanase giggled. "So? How's your day?"

Tendo darted his eyes towards the starry night sky. "Completely normal."

"Normal? As in, Tendo Kairi-had-perform-a-succesful-surgery-again normal?"

He chuckled at her antics. "Something like that."

He can tell that the girl was smilling form ear to ear. "Just as I expected. I mean, Tendo Kairi is really awesome! He's like a super doctor - always there to save the day!"

He smiled.

He miss her that it almost drove him crazy. Everyday, he tried his best to keep himself busy to ease the longingness he was feeling.

He miss her smile, her laugh, her voice, her eyes... everything. Everything about her.

But he's more than willing to endure not seeing her. If this sacrifice will make her happy, then he would gladly support her with all his heart.

"How's your day?" He asked back.

"So far, my day is fine. It's still cold in here but I made sure to bring heating packs everyday." She answered. "Oh! Sensei, have you eaten your dinner?"

He noddoed, as if personally talking to her. "Yes, I have. I was waiting for your call."

"...really?"

There was a big silence that filled in between them. Suddenly, Tendo heard her quiet sniffs. He remained unmoving fron his place and listened to the sound of her sniffing.

"What's wrong? What happened?" He quickly asked. His chest tightens at the thought of her crying. It pains him - not able to able to cradle her and wipe her tears away.

"Nanase?"

"Today," She started, still sniffing. "I-I.. I just realized that there are still many things that I don't know... on being a nurse."

Tendo listened carefully.

"It's hard." Her voice cracked and she began to sob. "It's so hard. Harder than my studies before. I feel so drained and tired but I know I couldn't rest cause I need to be a better nurse. There are days that I thought of quitting.."

She sniffed her tears away. "But this is what I want. I have a purpose. This is my dream. I just can't help but wonder how much could I take it? Can I really do this?"

Tendo took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He does't want her to feel like this. Nanase, doubting herself feels like someone had stabbed him on he chest.

"More than anyone, you know the first one to never doubt what you can do is me." He softly said. "I saw you struggle everyday when you were here. I was there when you amost quit. I was there when you doubted yourself "

He looked up the night sky once more and stared at the biggest star from a far.

"Despite all of that, I saw your dedication. I know you're tired but we can always take break for awhile and breathe. You, doubting yourself, hurts me, you know?" He smiled.

"Take a rest. Breathe. Quitting is not always the escape for everything. I believed in you. Asking me if you could really do that is stupid."

He sighed. "You can. You're a warrior, right?"

A soft breeze of wind came - making every tress dance. Tendo pressed the phone to his ears firmly.

"Nanase Sakura, you're on the Team Tendo, right?"

She chuckled from the line and it made him smile.

Energetically, she answered. "Yes! I am a warrior! And most importantly, I am mentored by the best doctor in Tokyo - no other than Tendo Kairi! I can do this!"

Tendo laughed. There you go. That's the Nanase he knows.

"Sensei?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you."

"Anytime. For you.".

"Sensei?"

"Hmm?"

"I miss you."

Tendo gripped the phone and answered. "I miss you too." You have no idea how much.

"I still have six months remaining until I go home. Wait for me, okay?"

He smiled. His eyes suddenly felt wet. He blinked back and looked up to prevent the tears from coming down. "Of course.."

"Be prepared. I will jump into your arms once I saw you."

He failed. A lone tear strimmed down to his face as he chuckled. "I will catch you."

"Sensei..."

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

As soon as he heard those words, warmth spread through his chest and his heart beats fast.

"I love you too. More than you could've ever imagined."

Seemed so far, but are close.

As their hearts connect as one.

[tracingdreams]

Daiya no Ace: The Dramas - Special “They’re Doing an Interview!” Part III

An explanation… To keep my brain from rusting I started a project to translate the drama tracks that came with the character song CDs and other stuff relating to Daiya no Ace (because I love them and they’re all hilarious). My disclaimer - I am not a native speaker of Japanese, but I will do my best!

Daiya no Ace Season II: Drama CD, Track 01: “They’re Doing An Interview!”(Part III of III)

This is a longer drama from a proper Drama CD, and so I have split it into three parts accordingly. The whole drama also has quite a wide cast <3.

Part III - Featuring Nori, Miyuki, Furuya, Sawamura, Kanemaru, Toujou, Haruichi, Zono, Kuramochi.

The story so far… Miyuki has brought some news to various members of the team that they’re going to be interviewed for a magazine. He’s already freaked out Zono, and has since panicked the first years as well. In order to prevent their nerves from taking over, Kanemaru, Tōjō, Furuya, Eijun and Haruichi have decided to run some practice interviews between them, to get a feel for what it will be like. Kanemaru has thus offered to play interviewer…

Kanemaru: Ok, here goes. (he clears his throat). Sawamura-senshu, I’ll ask you this question. (Translator note: senshu is a player or competitor, it’s often used as a polite suffix for sports people in Japan). About the practice game the other day…

Eijun: Practice game? A recent one?

Kanemaru: Yes. You were the starting pitcher, were you not?

(There is a long pause, then)

Eijun:…I’M REALLY MOST TERRIBLY SORRY!

Kanemaru: eh?

Haruichi: eh? Eijun-kun?

Eijun: The other day, because I was so inexperienced and poor, I allowed a four ball walk for the first batter, and then I got the whole team into a pinch and I’m so terribly terribly sorry for creating such a negative trajectory! Right here I will apologise very VERY sincerely!

Kanemaru: Hang on a minute, Sawamura!

Haruichi: That’s not an interview, that’s an apology at a press conference!

Eijun: Huh? Ah. Sorry. I got carried away…

Tōjō: Well, you know, things like that are quite common lately.

Kanemaru: Just answer more normally, okay? Normally.

Eijun: I see.

(there are footsteps, and Nori joins the group)

Nori: Hey, you guys.

Furuya: Kawakami-senpai?

Eijun: Nori-senpai? What’s up? You look kinda down.

Nori: Well…I just heard from Kuramochi that tomorrow we’re being interviewed for a magazine…

Kanemaru: Ah, you’re being interviewed as well, huh, Nori-senpai?

Nori: Yeah. But I have no idea what to talk about.

Tōjō: You feel that way too, Nori-senpai?

Kanemaru: We were just discussing that subject ourselves.

Nori: Well, you know, it’s the first time, after all. Obviously, I’m kinda nervous.

Haruichi: Yeah, of course.

Nori: When I was in the first year, and I saw Miyuki being interviewed, I have to admit that I was a bit envious. I’d have been lying if I’d said that I didn’t want to experience the anxiety of having an article about me written and printed in a magazine. (Translator’s note – this is complemented by weird, alien-spaceish noises, and I am pretty sure these are Nori’s thoughts, rather than his spoken words, judging by the reaction).

Kanemaru: Nori-senpai sometimes goes off in his own world, doesn’t he.

Tōjō: Yeah, no kidding.

Eijun: It’s all gonna be fine, Nori-senpai!

Nori: Sawamura?

Eijun: If I think about Nori-senpai’s key skills, it’s the way that, whenever you take the mound, you do your own style of pitching and you are always so calm and level-headed!

Nori: Mm…

Eijun: And! The control you have pitching the ball from the side is absolutely unrivalled! If we’re in a pinch, we can always rely on Kawakami – that’s what the club Buchou (Ōta) always says and you have his complete trust! That’s the kind of guy you are! If you can make the most of that in your interview tomorrow, it will be no problem at all!

Nori: I suppose so.

Eijun: And also! If you’re asked about your personal profile, you can share your wide-ranging knowledge of J-Pop music, and your favourite foods are rolled up sushi and karaage! If you go with those things, you can’t fail!

Nori: That really helps!

Kanemaru: Sawamura really has a ton of stuff to say about other people…

Haruichi: He does. It’s really a kind of a talent.

Eijun: So! Shall we do a light interview rehearsal, then?

Nori: Rehearsal?

Eijun: In these cases the best thing is to trample down any stupid fears! I’ll be the interviewer, so Nori-senpai, please answer my questions!

Nori: Okay.

Eijun: (interviewer voice): In which case, first of all…regarding the recent practice game…

Nori: Practice game?

Eijun: Yes. In the ninth innings, when Seidou were level on points with the opposition, you were switched in as relief pitcher, Kawakami…but…

(there is a long pause).

Nori: Mm…I AM SO TERRIBLY SORRY! (Translator’s note – with all these loud apologies, I’m starting to feel like the pitchers all spent the weekend before watching Fruits Basket…)

First years: eh?!

Nori: In spite of the fact the team had got the points back to level pegging, with my weak pitching I brought the team into a pinch situation, and I broke the rhythm of the fight back! In that regard I wish to apologise very, VERY sincerely!

Kanemaru: Ah, this guy too…?

(The scene shifts to the next day. Everyone is together now. Well. With one exception).

Eijun’s voice as narration: And so, the next day!

Kuramochi: Hyahaa! Huh? Hey, come on you lot, hurry up! The reporters are already here!

Kanemaru: H…Hang on a minute! Am I okay, dressed like this? (he is in dirty uniform).

Tōjō: We’ve just come from practice, and we haven’t even washed our faces.

Miyuki: It’s fine, so hurry up and come! It’s fine to be wearing uniform, and we’ve just finished practice, so it’s only natural that they’ll be a bit dirty.

Nori: But there’s going to be a photo, right?

Eijun Hey, Furuya? When did you manage to change your uniform?

Furuya: I thought that it would be better without mud on it.

Eijun: That’s not fair! Miyuki-senpai! Can I go get changed as well please?

Miyuki: It’s too late! Come like that!

Eijun: BUT!

Haruichi: Is this everyone? Huh? Where’s Zono-senpai?

Kuramochi: Huh? Now you mention it, he’s not here.

Miyuki: That idiot, he’s a second year and yet…what is he doing, anyway?

Kanemaru: He’s coming.

Miyuki: (raises his voice): Oi, hurry up, and…(he stops dead. He’s seen Zono). Eeeh?

Zono (appears, breathing heavily like he’s run to join them): Sorry I’m late.

Kuramochi: Zono! What the hell are you wearing?!

Zono: This suit? This suit was handed down to me from my Dad. He told me to use it whenever any special occasion happened, and made me bring it to school with me. In order to be ready for today’s interview, I spent ages last night ironing it! What do you think? It makes an impression, right?

Kuramochi: An impression…well…

Miyuki: You know, no matter how you look at it, that’s not how a high school student dresses.

Zono: Really?

Miyuki: Zono, seriously, it’s an old dude’s suit, for heaven’s sake. It’s not something a high school student would wear! (Translator’s note: If Miyuki, aka the king of hoodies, is lecturing Zono on his fashion sense, it must look pretty bad…)

Kanemaru: It’s the kind of suit you often see professional players wearing in the off-season, in magazines and stuff, isn’t it?

Tōjō: More importantly, Shinji, why do you know something like that?

Kanemaru: *stiffens*, uh, well, you know, at home, we get magazines and stuff…I thought they were pretty cool, so I looked at them a few times.

Zono: Is it no good then? I thought it suited me…

Miyuki: Whatever, just go hurry up and get changed!

Miyuki’s voice – narration: And after that, the interview was safely completed. A few weeks later, a copy of the magazine in which our article was to be printed, Baseball Kingdom, arrived.

Zono: Hey, hurry up and show us!

Miyuki: Calm down! There’s plenty about you written in here too, Zono. Let’s see…’Maezono Kenta-kun, a young man who has a rough aura that belies his years, occasionally shows us glimpses of a very charming smile.’ It says.

Kuramochi: (hysterical laughter)

Zono: (insulted): Hey! What’s so funny? Isn’t it the fruit of all my practice?

Miyuki: Ah, a lot has been written about the first years as well.

Kanemaru: Wow, cool!

Tōjō: There’s several pages, too!

Haruichi: If Mum and Dad saw this, they’d be really happy, I think.

Furuya: I wonder if you can buy it in Hokkaidou as well.

Kuramochi: You should be able to?

Eijun: And me? What does it say about me?

Miyuki: Let’s see…huh? It’s just a little bit.

Eijun: Huh?!

Miyuki: Let’s see. ‘And also, in relief, a left-handed pitcher with a form that makes it hard to see the oncoming ball [at the plate], a first year who pitches moving balls – we’d also like to highlight the existence of Sawamura Eijun-kun. His bright and positive character, nicknamed ‘Idiot Southpaw’ (Baka-sawan) by the rest of his teammates, is his charm.’ (He’s sniggering as he reads it).

Eijun: (incensed): IDIOT SOUTHPAW??!!

Kanemaru: Huh? Now who was it who leaked that to the reporter? (Translator’s note: I bet it was Tōjō…)

Eijun: SAYING THAT WAS OBVIOUSLY NOT GOOD! AND DON’T CALL ME AN IDIOT!

Miyuki: Why not? IDIOTS are IDIOTS, right?

Kuramochi: Hyahaha! Because you’re BAKAMURA!

Eijun: STOPPP ITTT!

(The End).

[eisforeidolon]

Episode: Raising Hell

So, uh, basically I have no idea why anything in this episode happens or what its point is supposed to be. Having looked up who wrote it somewhere in the middle, I am completely lacking in surprise.

I mean, the first bit pretty much sets the tone.  Chatty Corpsy spouts exposition a mile a minute, then gets killed, and the ghost stands over her and spells disembowel.  Is that actually supposed to be scary?  Funny?  Anything but an absolutely bizarre waste of my time?

A bunch of dudes with basically nothing but FBI jackets and a bullshit story to back themselves up with convince an entire town to camp out in the local high school for two days without anybody figuring out they're full of shit.  You know, what with smartphones existing and all.  Plausible!

Furthermore, I have become convinced that everyone in this writer's room genuinely believes there is nothing scarier than a bunch of random antagonists standing around in a room pontificating at each other.  It's all demons do anymore. It's all angels do anymore.  Oh, fucking look, here's a bunch of goddamn ghosts doing it, too!  A fucking thrill a minute, I tell you.

Also, you know how the episode with H.H. Holmes was actually scary?  Whether or not you think it's in questionable taste for them to use real life serial killers at all, the reason they included him was because the whole murder castle deal and semi-mythical legends about him made for a scary premise they actually used in the episode.  I ignored the thing with it being Gacy before in Lebanon because there was more important stuff going on, but contrast the current writers' choices with him and this Jack the Ripper guy with the use of Holmes.  Here they're just throwing out the names of real life murderers to try and make their villains scary in the cheapest, fastest way possible.  Just like bringing back “Bloody Mary” that just kills whoever, this loudmouthed windbag has nothing to do with the name they're stealing to try and make him scary.

Also, the spell demon guy did is keeping the ghosts in, right?  Sure, it's going to fail, but at the moment, it's supposed to be an impassible barrier, yes?  So why, exactly, is it necessary for Sam to call in his goon squad to join the four of them in wandering into the danger zone to shoot at 'em? Seriously, why?  Shooting them dissipates them for a few seconds, maybe minutes.  They’re not laying out additional salt or iron lines or doing anything that might genuinely help contain the ghosts, they’re just putting themselves in danger because ...?  The mooks could also be better spent guarding the major entrance points to the town and/or the townies and/or doing research back at the bunker into what they're going to try next after the barrier fails.  But those things would actually make sense and prevent the shambling zombie that is the writers’ pathetic attempt at a plot in this episode being pushed into something vaguely resembling action. 

I am shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, that Rowena is now suddenly unable to do something with her powers that she did before.  Hey, remember when she stole that page out of the damned book to make herself more powerful to unseal her full powers (even though they touted her as the most powerful witch ever to begin with) and that was in season 13, well after the ghost-crystal-bomb thing?  But LOL, now she's even weaker?  This is exactly why nothing matters anymore.  Things that worked previously (angel powers, witch powers, the Colt, whatever) suddenly and randomly don't work to do the exact same jobs for … reasons.  The thing that makes it even dumber is they could have said that the ghost containing spell and crystal ghost sucking spell interfered with each other somehow.  Still at a bullshit level of convenience, but it doesn't involve making everyone and everything's powers completely arbitrary just because fuck continuity, that’s why!

Then Ketch shows up to save the Winchesters from their sudden attack of brain damage.  The show has provided an entire. fucking. town. full of angry ghosts straight from hell.  But actually bother to write a scene of Sam and Dean legit getting over their heads in a believable way?  Why fucking bother when you can just make them astoundingly incompetent.  It is literally unbelievable that Sam and Dean would not recognize those people as possessed fucking immediately.  Yet they stand there with rock salt filled shotguns doing sweet fuckall confronted by three fucking ghosts so Ketch can make a big entrance.  Is there a rule on a board somewhere in the writer's room that Sam and Dean have to be made to look incompetent at least once an episode?  Is this some kind of revenge for having to still write the main characters they're so clearly bored with?  Are these idiots just so fucking stupid they don't realize how insulting this is?  Did they run out of money for extras and the stunt coordinator?  

Also, someone explain to me how tiny flakes of metal are going to be less harmful to a human body than rock salt.  I'll wait.  They just really really wanted Ketch as one of the BMoL guys to have some kind of specialized gadget but couldn’t give him something actually potentially useful for the situation at hand.

Again, these writers really want to be writing a bad soap opera with occasional supernatural elements.  So despite that it's the final fucking season, we have time for Rowena and Ketch flirting.  Not to mention that they also give the only major female character even more relationship drama with the Jack the Ripper guy later.  If it's not questionably skeevy, it's not Bucklemming! 

Also, Castiel is not good at inspirational speeches, just like he’s frustratingly almost never good at anything else these days (those healing powers that were working last week? ha! forget it!).  Anyway, why do they keep having him make them?  Are we as the audience supposed to find them convincing though they never work on the target?  Are we supposed to feel bad for all the ~*feelings*~ Castiel supposedly has despite being an angel who isn’t supposed to have emotions the same way humans do?  I guess this particular one is to further show that Dean’s still mad (which I am absolutely 100% behind) but eh, whatever.  Though I guess that still ranks it above most of the episode sitting at a solid WTF, no really, WTF?!

Now we get to the part where they bring Kevin back for no fucking reason beyond that he's a “fan favorite”.  None of it makes a single tiny speck of sense.  Let's skip right past the fundamental absurdity of how Chuck apparently did this for literally no reason just to be a dick when he was actively trying to pretend not to be a dick.  Kevin has a “bad boy” reputation (come the fuck on) because God Himself cast him down - so him being in hell would have to be fairly common knowledge, for it to result in him having a reputation.  Except literally no demon Sam & Dean ran into between 11.21 and now taunted them with it?  Crowley, who was still alive and fucking King of Hell through season 12 never noticed and either told the Winchesters or tried to trade on it?  BULL and SHIT.  This is pretty close to the same scale of insult to continuity and the audience’s intelligence as these two fuckwits suddenly writing Lucifer as the older brother. 

Then in typical fashion, Sam & Dean discuss their plans to totes send Kevin to heaven in front of demon guy just so they can be told OH NOES!  He totally can't go to heaven!  So sad!  The poor widdle woobie!  Fuck off with this shit, show.  Not even to mention that they take the word of a demon as gospel truth when there is no time crunch or clear lack of better options.  It's all those many many hits to the head, I guess.  That I do actually find quite sad.  I mean, I don't actually want Kevin hanging around like a bad smell while they divert from actually important shit to try and get him to heaven where it makes no sense for him not to already be.  But at the end they don't even arrange some way to keep in touch just in case the fucking demon might be (gasp) lying?

Hey, I did actually like the exchange between Dean and Sam over Chuck poking his corresponding wound.  Oh, look, it's Sam's “I'm totally lying” face, followed by Dean's “I totally know you're lying but I'll let it go for now, Sam” face.  It was a great moment that required very little dialogue to work quite well.  It's such a shame nobody's making a show about these two characters!  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The absurdity keeps on coming, too.  In the whole two days they've been wasting time in Sunshine Daylightville they never discussed how long the spell would last?  Oh, right, they were too busy wandering into the ghost zone to shoot at 'em for shits and giggles to care about that, I guess.  Not to mention the whole “just cast it again!” is remarkably blasé about it requiring a 'fresher the better!' human heart.

More ghosts blathering at each other.  Yay.  This supposed Jack the Ripper guy is just always in the right place at the right time to hear all the gossip, knows every random thing he could possibly need to, and already has the power to intimidate and attack other ghosts. He's basically ghost!Asmodeus, who also steals AU!Michael's original idea of how to get through the barrier, because we really needed time spent discussing the world's most obvious plan.  Also, we've seen ghosts able to attack and absorb the power of other ghosts, but it was because they had already been doing it for a while.  This guy is just as fresh out of hell as everybody else, but he's more powerful and knowledgeable and totes threatening!!!  Well, I'm convinced and not on the verge of napping from boredom.

Naturally for reasons, Rowena goes into town entirely by herself without protection with their only real hope of containing the ghosts before the barrier breaks down instead of anybody insisting on her going with backup.  That's what anybody with a brain would do!  

Of course no one asks where Ketch has been the whole time.  Or even thinks of trying to test him after he was last seen literally knocked unconscious in the middle of ghost central where we know there are plenty of ghosts angry enough to be capable of possession.  Nope, why would anyone even think to do that?  Everything in this “plot” that happens requires all of the characters to be completely fucking stupid.

I'm going to assume by “you” Ketch meant “you Winchesters” because Mary wasn't there.  It probably didn't, because Bucklemming, but fuck it.  It's the least egregious stupidity in this episode that's a cornucopia of choices for the worst.

I … actually like the scenes with Chuck and Amara?  So, you know, that's something!  

Then the episode ends with the guys looking at all the ghosties still shooting up from hell and wring their hands about what they're going to do and maybe they should get on that!  Again, if Sam's flunkies aren't all dead, why aren't their worthless asses already researching this shit over the past two days?  It's not like it's new news that there was a big open hole to hell at the center of the problem and there was honestly nothing but wrangling some cranky civilians to interfere with trying to think ahead to that.

In summary, this episode is a constant showcase of the problems that result when you set incompetent morons who don't recognize their own inadequacy to write characters who are actually supposed to be intelligent experts at their work.  It's a joke – except not at all funny.

[scifinal]

DW s12e10: It's Quite Unfortunate That This Child Keeps On Regenerating

It's only fitting that the first post on a blog called "SciFinal" should be about a season finale.

Not that fitting is the fact that in said post I'm going to begin where it all started for me.

Part One: How I Even Got into This Mess of a Show in the First Place

While I call myself a huge Doctor Who fan, even a – *gasp* – Whovian, I must admit I am not as familiar with the franchise as I would like to be; I've seen the new show, I've seen Torchwood (though, admittedly, I had to force myself to finish the fourth season – but that's a story for another day), I've listened to a handful of audio dramas (including Kaldor City, which I consider to be canon for both DW and Blake's 7) – mostly Torchwood audio dramas, but who cares, – I've read a couple of comics, I've got a novel or two somewhere on my bookshelf, I've seen the first couple of seasons of the classic show, but that's about it. I can't say I grew up with it – it wasn't on TV when I was a kid, there isn't an official Ukrainian dub, et cetera, et cetera. I first heard about it when I was about thirteen, when my classmate did a project about something they liked – and was pretty dismissive of my peers' hobbies at the time, believing myself to be somewhat above them, so I didn't pay much attention.

Then somebody finally pressured me into watching it (I believe I was fifteen or something back then) and I loved it. The first two episodes of the first season, I mean. I watched those, texted my friend something like "consider me a Whovian now!" and abandoned the show completely only to return to it maybe several years later.

I loved it. This time, for real.

Doctor Who has been with me ever since that time, it has a big soft spot reserved for each and every Doctor ever in my heart, and for each and every companion. I know full well it's cheesy, and it's stupid, and it's technobabble-y, and it's glorious in all of its cheesy technobabble-y stupidity.

And I hate this finale.

Part Two: Doctor, Why

I hate this finale – because I hate Chris Chibnall. Mind you, not the gentleman himself (I don't even know what he looks like, and I can't be bothered to Google), I hate what he did to Doctor Who.

Now, when it was revealed that the would replace Steven Moffat I felt... nothing. What did you expect? I had no idea who the man was. I know now he's made Broadchurch, and I know he wrote a bunch of stuff for Torchwood back in the day, including Cyberwoman. I had to drop Broadchurch because of how well-handled the depressing atmosphere was, and I love the flawed, dumb, sexy-cyber-bikinied, almost-fifteen-minutes-of-Ianto's-whining-including (I know because some time ago I literally cut almost every single moment of Gareth David-Lloyd whimpering, moaning, groaning, screaming, and mugging at the camera out of the episode and made those bits and pieces into a beautiful clip show called "I HATE THIS" to explain exactly why his face was and still is so punchable) mindless fun that is Cyberwoman (this is also one of the two episodes in which they actually do something fun with the pterodactyl living inside Torchwood's underground base). The latter also led to the creation of one amazing in how it develops Ianto's character audio drama entitled "Broken". I love Broken. I am now forcing you to look at its cover because of how much I love it.

Here we go. Now, back to the point of me rambling pointlessly

In his video "Sherlock Is Garbage, and Here's Why", a well-known YouTuber hbomberguy pointed out how Steven Moffat's problem is that he is more than capable of writing a good one-off episodes, but ultimately fails at managing multiple complex, overarching stories, as visible when you look at the difference between Moffat's individual episodes and his run on the show.

Now, I believe that Chris Chibnall suffers from the same affliction: he's a good screenwriter but a terrible, terrible showrunner. Sure, he's made Broadchurch, but Broadchurch, in its essence, was a complete singular story with a beginning, a middle, and an end. There were no bigger, incomplete arcs expanding at the expense of other episodes, and the show did exactly what it was originally designed to do: it told an uninterrupted story.

Here comes Chris Chibnall's run on Doctor Who.

Now, while Steven Moffat was ultimately not very good at managing overarching stories, he tried to do so nonetheless, and the fans seemed to like his attempts. And while I can't be sure as to whether it was Chris' original vision for the show or he and his co-writers were merely trying to emulate Moffat, he attempted the same. A friend of mine has even pointed out how, to her, it was painfully obvious how the writers of the finale were desperately trying to copy Moffat's style (to give you some context, she grasped it from a 30-second clip of the CyberMasters' reveal, and that clip basically consisted of me filming my laptop's screen and laughing at their design, making the video wobbly and the audio distorted). At the time of writing this post this friend hasn't seen a single episode of Chibnall's era and, as far as I know, has no wish to do so – mainly because of two reasons that both have something to do with the finale:

Somebody's already spoiled it for her, so who cares;

I ranted to her about how shit this finale is and now she hates everything about Chibnall era.

I am very sorry for the latter, since I genuinely believe there are some nice episodes in these seasons, and I especially like the "historical" ones, they really are quite a lot of fun, I like Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison fighting badly CG-ed alien scorpions, I love Lord Byron and Mary Shelley running around a haunted house trying to escape from a Cyberman (even though it's all too similar to the Agatha Christie episode from Russel T Davies' run), I adore that episode about Rosa P–– oh, wait, no, that one was crap and ripped off Blake's 7... Anyway, I love Jodie Whittaker's Doctor, I am a big fan of Graham, I like Ryan just fine, and I can put up with Yaz, even though it's been two seasons and I've still got no idea what's her personality supposed to be, and I absolutely love the new Master (he reminds me of a cute little pug with a big Tommy gun). There is plenty of good stuff in these two seasons, they are lots of fun to watch, but this finale... Oh god, this finale.

Part Three: We Had All of Time and Space at Our Fingertips and We Ended Up with This

We are getting to the point of this whole thing. I would love to begin with the obvious, the twist, but there's so much wrong with this who-cares-how-many-parter than this one big thing.

It is inept. It is impotent. It is incompetent. It is bad at almost everything except its okay camera work, somewhat good (for a British TV show, I mean) effects, and its really solid performances.

Its editing is tone-deaf to the extreme. There is a moment in the final episode where Ko Sharmas asks who will be the first to cross the Boundary and step into the unknown, and immediately it cuts to Yaz walking towards it, all fast and silent. I would love to show you a clip of it, but I don't have one and I can't force myself to download the episode and sit through this shitshow again just to present you with a ten-second clip. Nonetheless, that part is not edited like a dramatic moment. You edit comedies this way. Bad comedies. Bad editors edit bad comedies this way.

Its plot is incoherent. There are several plot threads in this finale, and they're managed in a way that doesn't make the viewer care about all of them at the same time, rather the viewer goes "oh, I've completely forgotten this was happening" and then, before they can even begin to care, the show cuts to something else. It's all over the place and oh so annoying.

The plot armour is painfully obvious despite every attempt to disguise it. There wasn't a single, solitary second when I believed the Doctor was really going to sacrifice herself and, lo and behold, here comes the old guy ex machina to do it for her. The only questions I was asking at that moment were "How are the writers going to prevent the Doctor's death now that they've seemingly created themselves a way to go on forever?" and "How can Whittaker care so much about her performance in this scene she's literally almost crying?". I wholeheartedly related to the Master asking "So why are we still here?" and shout–– hiss–– mumbl–– whatever-ing "Come on, come on, come on!" – at that point I've suffered through at least forty-five minutes of utter nonsense, people going preachy, religious Cybermen with Dalek motivations, that absolutely ludicrous scene in the previous episode when the show was trying its worst to make me perceive autonomous flying Cyber-heads with laser eyes as a serious threat, a shit twist and... Oh.

I've got to finally touch on the shit twist, haven't I?

It doesn't make sense. No, I mean it. I guess it makes sense from the show's writers' standpoint to retcon everything in a way that would allow them to go on forever without having to come up with a way to circumvent limited regenerations, yes. And I won't be touching upon all the lore people say this twist has ruined. No. It doesn't make sense as it is.

The twist is revealed to us by a madman that claims to have hacked into a database, claims to possess control over the Doctor's mind, and gives the Doctor and the audience no actual solid proof that the Timeless Child is, indeed, the Doctor. We have Ruth, sure, and she's nice enough (damn, I want that vest), and she's a Timelord that happens to own a TARDIS that looks like a blue police telephone box, and she calls herself the Doctor. Here's Ruth:

I really like Ruth. She also makes no sense from the show's timeline standpoint, since the Doctor's Type 40 TARDIS only got stuck looking like a police box in 1963, so there's no reason for the Doctor to not remember being her.

We also know that the Judoon have identified Ruth as "the Fugitive"... except in one of their previous appearances in the show they weren't able to identify their targets exactly and thus were seeking out non-humans. There is a possibility that they were only looking for a Time Lord on Earth.

You know what? It's possible that Ruth is actually the Master messing with the Doctor. I have just as much proof of this as I have of the fact that the Doctor is some kind of an endlessly regenerating superbeing.

But this is not the most maddening thing here. I loathe it, but I don't loathe the twist itself: I loathe its lifelessness, I loathe how empty, how unemotional, almost robotic it feels. When somebody'd spoiled the finale for me, I got angry, and I started asking questions, and when later I saw the actual thing...

This gif. I can't even explain how accurate it is. I stood there, in the middle of my kitchen, episode paused, holding a cup of cold tea and desperately looking around as if in my surroundings I could somehow find that emotional reaction that this show failed to evoke. I was ready to burst into tears of how empty it felt, and how empty I felt, and how the same show that has Christopher Eccleston go from literally foaming at the mouth with pure hatred to shocked silence in a matter of second because of one sentence that you, a viewer, can't help but be astonished by failed to make me feel the tiniest speck of literally any emotion. And slowly, I felt that vast void in my chest fill with sheer, pure, flaming hatred for the person who made me feel nothing, for the story that left me not bored – but empty.

And the next moment, in its own unique way of being absolutely tone-deaf, the show introduces the CyberMasters, looking ridiculous, being asinine in concept, making me burst into laughter with their dumb design. Wow.

So.

Chris Chibnall's Doctor Who is no longer a show. Chris Chibnall's Doctor Who isn't even, as somebody on Stardust said, a fan fiction. It's a rollercoaster. A lackluster rollercoaster that lifts you from the vast caverns of frozen hell, devoid of any life whatsoever, soulless and abandoned, to the heavenly torture of being so bad, so utterly awful and ridiculous, that you can't help but laugh as you watch something you used to love be distorted and deformed to the point where you can't recognise it anymore nor really care. This is what Chris Chibnall's Doctor Who has become. And I'm going to continue my ride on that grotesque rollercoaster. I'm going to pirate that ride and get on it again. Because I'm a masochist. Because I want to feel something, even if it's hatred towards those that make me feel nothing.

Because some time ago my fifteen-year-old self watched the first season and learned a lesson that I hold dear after all these years – that I can't abandon hope, and that someday, somehow, things are going to get better. That the future is being written right now. That the future can change.

[just-an-anxious-mess]

Rejection (Part 3)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4

Logans eyelids fluttered open and he realised he was laying on someones lap.

He sat up, ignoring the person asking how he was. He thought it was a stupid question if they knew what had happened. Of course he wasn't OK.

Unless they too thought him emotionally stunted?

His chest ached painfully as once again Romans harsh words echoed in his mind.

He was just an annoyance. A boring annoyance with an inability to feel emotions properly.

He put his head in his hands, his hands tightening into fists in his hair. He did still feel things but the pain was almost unbearable and for once he wished he couldn't feel at all.

It would solve so many issues if he could just turn the stupid feelings off.

Logan jumped as someone rested their hand on his shoulder and he met the eyes of Virgil.

"Logan, everything Roman said is wrong. You're not boring or emotionally stunted or an annoyance." he said and Logan stared at him in disbelief.

"Virgils right, you're intelligent and interesting and we're lucky to have you." A voice from slightly behind him said and he turned and realised the person who's lap he'd been laying in was Patton.

Logan didn't know how to respond to either of them and he probably would have just lapsed into an awkward silence if he didn't spot Deceit.

Seeing Deceit made Logan look around, taking in his surroundings and coming to the conclusion he was in the other mindspace.

If Logan was in the other mindspace then that meant there was a certain trait who might be able to help him.

"D... Deceit." Logan managed to croak out, making everyone wince sympathetically. "I want to talk to someone."

Deceit smirked and replied "But you already are talking to someone."

"Deceit, now is not the time for joking around and messing with him." Patton scolded, making Deceit sigh and adopt a more serious expression.

"Who did you want to talk to and why?"

"I... I want to talk to Apathy. I don't want to h...h...hurt like this anym...anymore." Logans voice shook as fresh tears fell down his face.

Patton looked slightly confused while Virgil and Deceit exchanged concerned looks.

"Logan, are you sure?" Deceit asked and Logan nodded adamantly.

"I.... I'll go fetch him then." Deceit shook his head as he walked off into the darkness and Virgil sat down next to Patton and Logan, trying to push away the worry and slight fear he felt from being back in the 'dark' mindspace again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deceit walked through the dark corridors until he reached a specific door. Before he could knock the door opened and a figure appeared, rage all over his face.

"What are you looking at Deceit? Come to get all buddy buddy with Apathy? Well he's all yours! Both of you can go to fucking hell!" growled the trait who shoved past Deceit and stormed off down the corridor.

Deceit looked back into the room and saw Apathy shaking his head.

"What just happened? Did you take away his lighter again or something?" Deceit asked.

"No he's just.... Him. He assumed things that were completely incorrect and obviously didn't like that he was wrong. He truly lives up to his name of Irrationality." Apathy said in his usual blank, emotionless voice.

"You can say that again, I still haven't forgotten when he set his room on fire because he thought it'd look pretty. Although I'm pretty sure it might have been because he saw a spider but either way that was difficult to clean up." Deceit said, staring down the corridor in the direction the crazy trait had gone.

"Enough mindless chatter, what did you require from me? You hardly do social calls anymore since you're usually bothering the main traits these days."

Deceit sighed. "There's been a lot of drama in the main mindspace recently and one of the main traits actually requested to talk to you. He... He was completely screwed over by one of the others and is pretty much emotionally broken and wishes not to feel anything anymore. I don't think it's the right solution but I said I would fetch you so here I am."

Apathy seemed to think deeply about what Deceit had said and then made a decision. "Which trait is it?"

"Logic, it was Creativity that caused everything." Deceit said.

"Logic and Creativity, not two traits that I would predict to interact much for any sort of argument between them to be emotionally damaging to either one." Apathy said as Deceit lead the way to the others.

"Logic loved Creativity but Creativity didn't feel the same. Instead he verbally ripped Logic apart and Logic ran until he ended up here." Deceit explained.

Apathy stopped with a small frown. "Creativity ripped him apart verbally? From what I know of that Disney Prince wannabe it seems more likely he'd attack physically in that sort of situation, anything from a small shove to full on throwing Logic into a wall or something. Plus I would have thought he'd be flattered someone saw him in that light, he's the most likely out of all the traits to randomly kiss another trait just because he thought they were his reflection or something."

Deceit let out a snort of laughter at Apathys last comment. "Well it'd be difficult for him to mistake someone for his reflection now, Pat... I mean Morality punched him in the face and broke his nose."

Apathy looked at Deceit with slightly narrowed eyes for a second before starting to walk again, making Deceit shudder.

He needed to be a little more aware of what he said because Apathy hated it when Deceit used the main traits real names. Apparently it made him sound too familiar with them and it got on Apathys nerves.

Three traits sitting on the floor came into view and Apathy took in Logic and Morality, not very surprised. It was when Apathys eyes locked onto the darker trait that the atmosphere changed.

"Virgil. What an unpleasant surprise to see you here, I'm quite sure I remembered you swearing to never return but here you are."

"Fuck off Apathy! I'm here helping Logan and that's it." Virgil growled, getting to his feet.

"wow, look at this brand new attitude. Where did timid little Anxiety go? You're little act might fool everyone else but we both know deep down you're still that scared little trait who cowered everytime someone looked at him funny."

Apathy had stepped forward so him and Virgil were in each others faces.

"That's not who I am anymore." Virgil muttered, glaring right back at Apathy.

"Oh really? What if I said Irrationality was going to turn up?"

Virgils eyes widened in alarm that was difficult to miss. "He... He's not." Virgil stumbled over his words and took a step back.

Apathys lips twitched up into a smug little smirk before he turned to the trait who'd requested his presence.

"Now explain what you wanted."

Logans eyes briefly flickered to Virgil, who was running himself through a breathing exercise and cursing Apathy under his breath, before they locked onto Apathy.

"I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want you to make it all disappear." he said in a hoarse voice, almost too quiet to hear.

"You do realise that if I do this it won't just take the pain and sadness, it'll take any joy or happiness as well. You'll be completely devoid of emotion and even the simplest of things will fail to make you feel. It's also completely irreversible. You're Logic so think it over before making a rash decision." Apathy explained, his voice quieter as he said the last part, in an attempt to come across less harsh.

Patton had got to his feet, his eyes narrowed at Apathy the entire time, unable to prevent himself feeling protective over the others.

"Morality there's no need to glare at me like that, I'm not going to hurt anyone, that's Irrationalitys thing. I'm not sadistic."

"Says who." Virgil mumbled with a glare, making Deceit face palm.

"Virgil, please don't bring that up again, you know we had no idea what was going on and when we did find out Apathy sorted things."

Virgil sighed "I'm sorry Dee, it's just that a certain someone decided to bring it up first to try and humiliate me."

"I didn't bring it up to humiliate you, I brought it up to prove a point. No matter how much you try to pretend you're strong, you can't change who you really are. No one can force themselves to change so drastically." Apathy stated.

Virgil could feel the curious gazes of Patton and Logan on him so he quickly changed the subject before they asked what they were talking about.

"Moral... Whoops... Patton punched Roman in the nose." Virgil said, shaking his head as he stumbled over his words.

Apathy raised an eyebrow in amusement. "So I heard, well done Morality I think that's something everyone's been tempted to do at least once but you're the first to actually do it."

"He hurt Logan, I lost my temper and that's all there is to it" Patton said, his eyes still narrowed at Apathy.

"plus he can be a bit of an arrogant pri....nce. Yep that's definitely what I was going to say. Arrogant prince." Deceit said, avoiding Pattons stern look.

Suddenly Logan, Patton and Virgil let out matching gasps of shock as they felt a rather desperate summons from Thomas.

"Logan are you capable of coming with us? It seems urgent." Virgil asked and Logan nodded reluctantly.

"I... I'll give it a go." he muttered and the three of them vanished leaving Apathy and Deceit alone in the dark mindspace.

General tag list:@amethystdarkwolf @mcfreakin-childproof-caps @patchworkofstars @kitkat-doodles @unikornavenger @dolphin-squirrel @sympathetic-deceit-trash @starryfirefliesbloggo @cakercanart @neonb-fly @kaymischief25 @punsterterry @aprilthevene @theoddkidnextdoor @fuckingemoace @i-sold-my-soul-to-thefandom @im-so-infinitesimal @sea-blue-child @thecatchat @iris-sanders-athena @saphael-malec102 @smedenn @corkeecoderyt @sopi-montezzz @illogicaldeath @deadpanstar @theanxiousfander @lesliealiceinwonderland @wicked-universe @anxious-is-the-name @a-black-pegasus @erlenmeyertrashofsandersides @ace-the-weekly-doodler @luarpice @novusavis @the-life-ofa-troubled-ace @heck-im-lost @nerdy-as-heck @pansexual-cat @ravens-rambling @echomist13 @myownhappilyeverafter @im-a-sexy-mouse @xx-fandom-potato-xx

Rejection tag list:

@ibelievewhatsontv @anxiouslogan24

[jupiterparker]

The Case of Spidey (p.p)

Words count: 1.3k

Paring: Peter Parker x Reader

Warnings: unedited

A/N: hope you enjoy! Requests are open :)

Request: yes or no

Masterlist

_____________________________

Waiting by your locker, you had your headphones in, but with no music connect but instead connected to a mini microphone. It was the perfect excuse to not have anyone question why you were just waiting by the halls, and people weren’t afraid to have conversations near you, as they weren’t worried that you would eavesdrop on you. Only if they knew, but you liked it, you liked inventing gadgets and pretending to be a spy, you defended it to yourself by calling it a way to be informed, you could say. Now, no one knew about this, not even Peter, your best friend. And you were supposed to tell him today, and you were willing to, had you not heard something today.  

Peter had his locker right next to yours, making it super easy to listen to his and Liz’s conversation as they talked. “Did you enjoy the party?” She asked, smiling at him while she waited for him to get ready so they could go to decathlon practice. “It was a great party, really great, yeah…” Peter replied, trailing off when he saw Liz raise her eyebrows and smirk at him, “what?” “Peter, you were there for, like, two seconds” she told him a little annoyed, yet finding the situation extremely funny, “No I wasn’t… it was more than two seconds!” Peter tried to reason hoping to make it seem plausible, and failing miserably. It was so amusing, that you started laughing, causing both of them to notice you and look at you strangely. Quickly, you stopped, and pointed at your headphone, mouthing “it's a funny podcast," Peter and Liz smiled at you, nodding their head slowly as they went back to their conversation, right as you calmed down ready to listen. “You do realize that you disappeared right before Spiderman came right?” Liz said in a matter-of-fact tone, Peter was at a loss of words as all he said was “Uh…” and went to reason, which unfortunately you didn’t hear, as the stupid bell went off, like seriously! 

But at least, you're spying had actually produced something to follow up on, something more than just regular high school drama, but something relating to the Friendly Neighborhood Spider Man. So Peter left just as Spider Man came by the party? you thought. I thought that Ned claimed that Peter knew Spider Man? So then why would Peter leave the party before meeting his ‘friend’ then? On the bright side, you had no homework tonight, and you knew that fellow Spidey here did patrol nightly, at least thats what the news reported. All you needed was one more slip up.

How you were going to get it? It was a long shot, but you had an idea. First, it required a tracker. Luckily for you, you had a free class period still left, where you could make it. You knew Ned had a free period during the same time, and he was a little more savvy when it came to building stuff like trackers and coding them. While you could build the physical tracker, you needed him to make sure it was actually usable. “What is this for again Y/N?” Ned asked, as the put the finishing touches. He really should ask these things first before giving all of his help you thought, but didn’t think to much of it, as right now it was going your way as Ned doing that had allowed you to think of an excuse. Because if Peter was Spiderman, chances were that Ned knew, and you didn’t want Ned alerting Peter now. “Uh, it for my bird, yeah. My mom got a new bird, so she asked me to make a tiny tracker that we can keep on the bird? So we knew where she was?” You lied, your voice betraying you and becoming super high as you realized that you didn’t think birds wore collars? But Ned didn’t think so much as he just handed you the now finished tracker with its ‘instructions manual’ as Ned liked to call it. It was literally a square sheet that had some code and a url scribbled down, but sure, lets call it an instruction manual. 

“Cool thanks Ned!” You waved goodbye, ready to intercept Peter. The idea was that since Spider Man went on patrol right after school ended, and since most students had a backpack, that Spider Man had to drop it somewhere and come pick it up after his patrol. Where if you waited there, you would be able to see Spider Man’s identity. Right as you exited the classroom, the bell rang, singling the end of classes, so really just great timing. You went back to your locker to grab your remaining books, and found Peter doing the same. Or at least was until Flash and his friends came by, pulling all of Peter’s books at the ground. “Here, let me help you Peter” you offered, kneeling on the ground, grabbing a stack of books. You carefully put your tracker in between the books, grateful for Flash for once, and handed the books back to Peter. As Peter thanked you, you felt a small amount of guilt come along, as you realized what you were doing to your friend, your best friend. But the plan was already in motion, so no going back now.

You went to a nearby cafe, pulled out your laptop and started looking at the tracker using the ‘instruction manual’. You had to admit, Ned did a really good job, and his manual did prevent a headache from coming. While the page was loading, you pulled up a site that showed recent superhero sighting, you new that it was known for being very recent, so you waited until Spider Man was seen before looking at the tracker. This way, you could go to were the tracker says Peter was at, and if you found it to be true, then Peter wasn’t Spider Man, and you wouldn’t investigate further. You were really only interested to see if Peter was Spider Man, not to find out who Spider Man is whoever he is. And if you wound the backpack alone in an alleyway, you would wait and hide until Peter came back for it. Because unlike lucky you, Peter actually had homework that night.

After 10 minutes, you got the go signal, well you mean you got the notification saying that Spidey was seen swinging around. Going back to the tracker, you copied the coordinates given into the internet to find the intersection. It turned out that today was your lucky day, as the Peter, or at least his backpack was only a couple blocks away. You quickly left the cafe and went there, ready to find out the truth. You were sad but happy to find Peter’s backpack in an alley by itself covered in web fluid. There was only one thing to assume from this scene, but still you had to stay and find out. You hid behind a dumpster for a stinky 3 hours (seriously you would need several showers after this) and waited. And waited and waited, until low and behold you heard movement. When you peered over the dumpster, you saw Peter without his mask on, in his suit looking for his backpack, which apparently had disappeared without you noticing during those said 3 hours. Not knowing though what to do with this new information, you took a picture of Peter discreetly, so that way when you were ready to confront him, you would be able to help him. For now however, the case of Spidey was closed. 

Permanent Taglist: @djjffkd, @pallored, @your-daily-dose-of-fangirl, @ghostofya, @tuttigunner

Peter Parker Taglist: @what-is-yeet, @lubrielx, @ticklishrainbow

Ask or DM me if you want to be added to my taglist! Requests are open :)

[lucaswarmhotchocolate]

I dont think I'm 'mature for my age', in the sense that I feel like I'm better than other 16 year olds or more capable of doing 'adult' things, or anything like that. But I do think I'm mature for my age in the sense that I am so incredibly old, and tired, and yet still naive and generally unaware of most things an actual adult is aware of.

I have 16 years of life experience, just barely, and I spent a few years of it maturing rapidly and impressively. I learned to cook when I was quite young to feed me and my little brother, and I was being taken advantage of, used as a servant, almost, by my father. I have an emotionally immature mother who manipulates me the best she can, and then tells me I'm manipulating her the second I shed a tear or whine or complain or try to tell her about something she doesnt want to hear. And she is trying to be better, and to a degree she is succeeding, though I think, personally, it's too little too late.

My therapist cried a few times listening to me talk about my childhood, but she's gotten used to it now and she's very helpful, and she knows I'm mature and immature at the same time and I appreciate that more than she will ever know. But I dont think most people get it.

I have some level of emotional awareness that is beyond the scope of my classmates, but it doesnt prevent me from feeling things that I know are illogical. I know I'm not a failure as a human being for failing my classes, and I know I'm not entirely stupid, even if I am an idiot sometimes. I know these things, and I know more, and I try to help myself but I am still vulnerable, and weak and squishy and soft like any 16 year old is.

And though I have these same illogical thoughts as many other 16 year olds, I cant seem to connect with anyone. Everyone seems to have worries so incredibly different from mine.

Everyone is either relatively normal, unharmed, suffering from recently divorced parents or pressure to get into a good college or weird drama in their cute little cliques, or still in a state of being abused or neglected or starving and it's a bit odd. I refuse to be dragged into some melodramatic gossip that, quite honestly, wouldn't even interest me if it were in a tv show. And I refuse to get attached to someone who will make me worse and suffer and expect me to fix them or otherwise suffer with them. I cant do either of those things, though I suppose the latter is incredibly uncommon in my area.

So, here i am, mature for my age and unable to make appropriate friends or go longer than 3 months without imploding and thinking of dying, or discovering some new horrible memory from my childhood, and yet still being so incredibly immature and childish.

I'm not a kid, or an adult, and you would think that would make me just a regular teenager, but I dont feel like one in any sense other than technicalities.

And this post is filled with childish nonsense, you can see me being judgey, and I come off a bit annoyingly I think. A bit "I'm not like other girls," but I can assure you I would love to be like other girls, I would love to have stupid things to worry about, low stakes adventures. I used to be able to do that, to find a few other traumatized kids and hang out and hop fences and read in the dugout and yell and laugh but something in me changed and I cant anymore.

Anyways, this is just a very long way to say, "hey I might panic everytime I think of what to do after high school, and i might be a shameful relative to have, but at least I dont smoke."

[donnerpartyofone]

movie review fan lady here. I know it’s not yet BLOGTOBER, but in advance of that, what are some of the worst tropes of recent horror films, in your opinion? Of course, use whatever definition of “recent” suits your answer best! seems like you’re busy with new projects these days, hope all is well and that you have plenty of time to watch however many horror movies you like this fall!

(first of all, sorry for my uneven typing but i’m using a new laptop that has a really intrusive but also totally inconsistent autocorrect thing and I’m just sick of fucking with it) thanks for saying hello! I have been pretty dormant lately, and it’s encouraging to hear from people who enjoy reading what I write. the mental illness got me bad this summer. this was made unnecessarily difficult by the fact that I had arranged a month-and-a-half-long personal leave from work, during which time I expected to be able to return to “myself” and replenish my inner strength by doing only things that I care about, and most importantly, see what kind of life I lead when I’m not being crushed under the heel of my extremely demanding and shameful job–a perspective few individuals will ever have the privilege of gaining. of course, a lot of what actually happened amounted to a painful reminder of how little I’m really capable of as a person. this has been especially hard to recover from with the restored stress of being at the office. I had my first full-blown panic attack on my first day back. although I suffer from anxiety, I have always been hesitant to describe my episodes of escalating, wracking panic as “attacks”. this is because once when I was young, I witnessed someone going into a panic attack after confessing to me her history of childhood trauma; she went into a total fugue state, dragged her limbs, spun in circles, and made faces until she collapsed, never to remember anything about the experience. I thought, “so that’s what a panic attack is. basically, if you are aware of your surroundings, have basic control of your face and limbs, and can recall the event, then you don’t really have any kind of real problem to complain of.” my “panic attack” was still not as bad as that, but it did involve an interesting lapse of motor control on top of everything else, so I guess I’m giving myself credit for it.

I never stopped watching movies, of course, but I almost totally abandoned letterboxd, save for a weird stint where I reviewed every single pre-Zombie HALLOWEEN movie; I actually suspect that for some reason, letterboxd only sent two of them into the activity feed, so no one even saw them all. so I stopped writing, and then I developed all this self-imposed guilt about failing to maintain my entirely voluntary pleasure-oriented routine, and my feelings of completely meaningless shame around this made it very difficult to start again. I think there’s also a sub-problem where, in actually recording my viewing habits, I started to get really stressed out about how much of my life I just waste on things I don’t even enjoy, just in order to kill time until I get to go to sleep again. for instance: yesterday I watched FATHER FIGURES, an ed helms-owen Wilson road movie that I was not even slightly intrigued by. in it, helms and Wilson are twins on the hunt for the dad they’ve never known, and they basically plod through a series of dopey vignettes: what if he was a MOVIE STAR? what if he was a FAMOUS FOOTBALL PLAYER? et al, ad nauseam. you can imagine what it’s like. *I* could have imagined what it was like. …but actually, there’s this weird sequence like an hour into the movie where (spoiler alert I guess), at the end of a string of dovetailing red herrings, the twins believe they’ve finally traced their real dad to a Boston suburb. they arrive at the guy’s house, expecting to meet a legendary supercop, only to find out that they’re at his wake. to make matters worse, the house is filled with young Irish American thugs who seem to be constantly on the verge of orgiastic violence, and who are already in a dangerously elevated emotional state. meanwhile, in this context, ed helms discovers that the woman with whom he had a one night stand two scenes ago is actually his sister. his and Wilson’s true identities, in addition to this sexual horror, come tumbling into the light of day at this worst of all possible moments, and the dead man’s own identical twin brother has to lay bare the sordid details of their family history to straighten everything out. I was embarrassed to find myself totally riveted to this sequence, which was something like THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW or THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE: ordinary people are absorbed into a secret, separatist subculture that is ruled by its own perverse systems of honor, incest and violence. I thought, “wait a minute, is this movie GOOD now??” of course the answer was, no, absolutely not! but it had me going for a second there. …but my point is, now I’ve seen that, and I still haven’t seen one single Eric Rohmer movie. part of the reason is, I’m afraid they’ll annoy me. don’t I have any kind of consistent thought? don’t I ever do a single thing with purpose?

god, remember when I used to use the anhed-nia blog to work out all kinds of really intense personal problems? I guess I stopped because I started feeling weird about what I was doing with the format, like I felt bad for people who followed during blogtober and weren’t expecting that kind of thing, which is so stupid, I mean it’s my blog and barely anyone follows it for me to worry about anyway. also the mental illness got me. I started feeling like, “why am I even writing this down, like what’s the point, I’m basically just masturbating and being pretentious and I’m not even having any revelations or whatever.” that feeling persists in my whole life, like a lot of people with depression. the constant why-ness of everything. it can be really extreme, like, “ok, I put my left shoe on, but is that REALLY a compelling reason to put my right shoe on? I mean I could just as easily be doing NOTHING instead!” anyway, watch out world, I might start putting personal problems on anhed-nia again.

but uhhh none of that answers your question. I don’t know if I have a proper answer! like, some things come to mind that are not necessarily “tropes” but I do consider them modern problems:

SETTLING UP WITH REALITY: we have this really sad situation now where, in order for a horror story to be compelling, every single movie has to suddenly slam on its brakes and examine what’s going on with everybody’s cell phone. did it get lost? is it broken? poor connection? as soon as this starts happening, all I can think is, “I’m watching a movie. this is the part where the writer has to take a number of laborious, repetitive steps, the conclusion of which I already know for sure, in order to explain to me that whatever is about to happen in the movie could definitely really happen in real life, for real, because the convenience of cell phones could not have prevented it. the writer knows that I have heard of cell phones, and so now we have to make a dry, methodical accounting of the status of all of the cell phones in the movie. once this has been finalized, the actual story may proceed.” I hate this so much. whatever inherent horror there may be in the failure of our phones in times of peril is completely negated by my awareness of the writer’s felt obligation to go around disabling each and every cell phone right in front of me before we can even begin to address the point of his story. let me put it a little bit differently: when we have a home invasion movie in which the villains cut the phone lines, that evokes a horror that is native to this genre. the protagonist feels personally violated, imprisoned, completely separated from their fellow humans, separated even from the form of reality they enjoyed before their victimhood began. the very definition of “home”, as a place that is private, safe, comforting, and under one’s one sovereign rule, is painfully inverted. that is the point of that specific story, in which the telephone has defined semiotic and psychological significance. on the other hand, the problem of cell phones is completely generic. now, in every horror movie of every subgenre, no matter where the characters are or what they’re doing or what we suspect will become of them, nothing can even happen without this dutiful address of the phones. this is only happening because of an absolutely ludicrous obligation people feel for their fantasies to resemble their reality as closely as possible, which flies in the face of the whole idea of having metaphors that help us explore our emotional and spiritual conditions. PS if you’re the kind of person who can’t watch even a really great movie without holding everyone in it to the standard of your own personal pragmatism and logic, then maybe you should ask yourself why the fuck you even watch movies in the first place.

BICKERING AS DRAMA: this may not be a specifically modern problem, although I *feel* like I encounter it most in horror movies from the last two decades. in any horror story with an ensemble cast, an important source of danger is the dissolution of personal relationships. under the strain of their predicament, people who desperately need to trust and protect each other become volatile, angry, cowardly, irrational. fearing for their lives, they lose their ability to cooperate, or even to agree on one most-hopeful solution to their shared problem. in NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, the ongoing fight over whether to hide in the basement or the attic is agonizing, and helps to underline the preexisting, banal political tension between the main characters–in fact, the corrosive social forces of the 1960s are key to this film’s subtext–which now compounds the mortal threat posed by cannibalistic monsters. alternatively, you can have a movie like John carpenter’s THE THING that is mainly composed of protagonists in-fighting; in that case, the irresolvable conflicts strengthen the movie’s message, which is specifically about betrayal, alienation, and loneliness. what I see in a lot of movies now, instead of a focused, purposeful conflict like those, is a deteriorating situation of multiple characters incessantly bickering with each other over the details of their circumstances. no one is making a salient point, or contributing to our understanding of their conundrum, or revealing something particular about themselves. they’re just yelling and sniping and sulking and badgering each other about minutiae, or about the key problem in such broad strokes that their arguments cease to have any meaning. I actually think that this is a consequence of that same boneheaded obsession with realism of which I complained previously. I often feel like these protracted scenes of petty fighting about granular details are a way for the writer to paranoiacally defend themselves against persnickety viewers who complain about “stupid” characters who apparently fail to exercise heroic levels of sober judgment and practicality. these viewers, who are so happy to hurl accusations of “UGH HE SHOULDA JUST _____” at the screen, as if there is anything “just” simple and obvious about the story unfurling, are progressively ruining storytelling for everyone, necessitating these grueling character discussions about the potential consequences of every hair-splitting potentiality of every situation. 

EFFICIENCY AND ECONOMY, OR LACK THEREOF: …this is sort of a different kind of point that I want to make, so bear with me. as a (secret, amateur) writer myself, I am plagued by the neurotic urge to explain exactly the way things happen in as comprehensive a fashion as possible. like, I don’t know, if I were writing a story about how someone inherits an old house, I’d probably start stressing out ridiculously about the bureaucracy of how this property changed hands, what kinds of officials would have to be involved, how the new owner evaluates maintenance needs, and EXACTLY how long everything would take. i have an irrational fear of leaving things out, when I absolutely need to leave things out in order for the story to simply be about whatever it is about–which is NOT property transactions. it’s not even that I’m anxious about “realism” precisely–this could apply to a fantasy framework just as well–I just lose track of which details are actually important, and which details I should give the audience credit for intuiting (or not even needing to know). because of this, I try to really notice when a writer deliberately, elegantly leaves a big gap in the action, in order to stay faithful to the story’s spiritual identity. I wish I could think of a good example! but I at least have a good anti-example, which is: I rewatched TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE NEXT GENERATION this year for TEXAS CHAIN SAW (sic) MASSACRE Day. that’s a really crazy fucking movie for a whole lot of different reasons, but one thing I noticed about it is, the DP shows EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS. this became absolutely hilarious to me pretty quickly. is somebody talking? point the camera at them! is somebody reacting facially to the person talking? point the camera at THEM! did someone just walk in the door? now point the camera RIGHT AT THEM, and make sure you get the door in the shot and show the whole thing until the door closes and something else happens! it’s so crazy and nervous. there’s a scene where leatherface has to put a character into a cooler where there’s already another character trapped, so he has to pick up the big hunk of machinery that he used to hold the door closed, and then find a place to put that thing down, and then put the character in the cooler, and then turn around and pick up the thing off the place where he put it down, and then turn around and put the thing back on the thing again, and they show ALL OF IT. it really cracks me up, it’s so unnecessary. I mean, the scene is already in chaos, you just have to show a bunch of motion with the piece of machinery coming in and out of frame, but instead you get this like anal retentive breakdown of exactly what happens to every object in the scene. anyway, I try to notice when I’m feeling compelled to do that kind of insane accounting of everything that happens, and I also try to notice when someone else is really good at NOT doing that!

anyway, thanks a lot for the question! it’s really good for me to get a prompt like that. blogtober is coming after all, and I need to Get Amped. this fall I have horticulture classes at the local botanic garden three nights a week, so it’s going to be tough! if you (y’all) have any movies I haven’t reviewed that you’d like me to talk about, I would be very open to hearing about it, I often get stuck. also feel free to follow me on letterboxd to help pressure me into continuing to use it. https://letterboxd.com/donnerpartyof1/

[moonbelt]

»mind over matter

↳ neighbors to lovers au

⇢ pairing: jaebum | reader

⇢ genre: fluff + slight angst + sexual themes

⇢ word count: 9.704

⇢ description: as it turns out your cat loves your neighbors apartment more than yours. consequently it happens to belong to the new neighbor dude that’s stuck comforting you after a measly break-up.

author’s note: born out of this request, and the sheer need to read a neighbor au fic haha. i hope you enjoy it anon! i really hope i did this justice!!

It takes only a moment for your life to change right before your eyes. And although you had never been one to abide or listen to corny quotes ripped off the internet, your step-mother had framed more than half of them around your apartment. In an attempt to bring "life" into your dingy residence. You hadn't even realized that they could, in fact, be true. Actual facts.

You had long since accepted the fact that there were always greater things at work. You were in control of your life but not that of others. Everything had a cycle, a plan, and that didn't by default make it any fair. Nothing in life ever was, your mother had drilled into your head, but that didn't stop you from resenting it.

You resented the things you could not change and loathed the things you could. Like how you could've prevented this whole shit-show from happening if you'd opened your eyes a little wider and seen all the thorns beneath the roses. The thorns being your ex-boyfriend. Major emphasis on the ex because you wouldn't be caught dead crawling back to that bastard, Theo.

Theo. It all led to him.

Well not necessarily everything, more like anything that had to do with your romantic and, in a long round-about, extended way, your social life. A deep shudder racks through your body as you begin to think about him. Oh God, you wanted so badly to run out of your apartment and back to his and smack his head so hard he saw the stars all the way from the Upside Down.

So maybe you're being a bit overdramatic when you say: All the moments that have happened so far in your life were, inevitably, leading to shit. But in no way are you not entitled to say it.

Your boss had nitpicked everything you'd done all day, creeping steadily up your already tensed nerves. One of your colleagues — René — was always within earshot when this happened, like glue you couldn't scrape off no matter how hard you tried. Always ready to throw a sly remark your way every time your boss had something to complain about. The only thing stopping your fist from connecting firm with her jaw was the fact that you prided yourself on having more class than her.

This decision that you wrongfully, and albeit naively, made came back to bite you deep in the ass.

Reason one as to why you're cooped up in your small apartment alone on a Friday night. Keyword in that sentence is: alone. You suppose that the blame doesn't lie with René alone. It's more eighty percent Theo and twenty percent René. Theo. Even his name begins to remind you of quickly decomposing poop. You would never have guessed him to be a cheater, but then again you had been blinded by whatever the heck it was you'd seen in him.

You shudder for the nth time that night as you bring your blanket closer to your chin and sigh into your chest. This whole situation is stupid and you're positive that in three months you'll look back at it and laugh. But not now. Now you'd rather throw yourself into watching your favorite French melodrama titled Piégé.

At first, you'd only started watching it in a bid to get more accustomed to the language as you were taking a French course in college and you did not want to fail. But it had been approximately eight months since you'd graduated university and you were under no obligation to be watching it anymore. In fact, you have no idea how you even got into Piégé in the first place, but at least it's helping you attempt to forget what a shitty boyfriend Theo had been. Never mind that the series is filled to the brim with unnecessary drama. But, hey! You'd rather watch the drama about other people's lives than dwell on the drama brewing in yours.

Turning your attention back to your laptop that's gingerly placed on your lap, you try to get immersed back into the film. The main character — Alphonsine Vernoux — is saying, no screaming, at her boyfriend to get out of her apartment because she "can't be with him because our parents would never approve." Her boyfriend, a man named Jean-Louis refuses and long story short — because there's a lot of back and forth squabbles that ultimately mean the same thing; Alphonsine and Jean-Louis have really hot make-out sex.

The scene though is disrupted by your phone beeping off with the arrival of a new text message. It's from Youngjae, your best and only friend from work. For a moment, you're tempted to ignore it and watch Jean-Louis push Alphonsine up against the wall in sexy frustration. But alas, you decide against it, Youngjae probably has a really good reason for seeking out your companionship, even if it does come in the form of a text and my actual speaking.

Youngjae: Did you know a Tarantula spider can survive for more than two years without food?? [9:32 pm]

You fight a laugh as you think of an answer. And you'll admit, you had no idea this particular breed of spider could survive that long. You figure he must be watching another documentary because this is a reoccurring theme. Almost every(?) night, Youngjae sends you threads of rapid-fire texts narrating the things he found out from animal documentaries, that he's definitely already watched a thousand times but still is beyond fascinated by. Usually, you also sent him texts about Piégé but today you weren't feeling it.

You: really??? thats cool. maybe i should hope to be a tarantula in my next life? [9:33 pm]

Youngjae: lol who says you even have a next life? might be ur last one right now [9:36 pm]

Youngjae: oh hey, i was gonna ask you. are you and theo down to go watch a movie tomorrow? that new horror movie you were wanting to see is playing [9:36 pm]

You stare at your phone for a good ten minutes wondering what exactly you should send as a reply, berating yourself for having not yet told Youngjae about the things that transpired between you and Theo. That you caught Theo in bed with René roughly a week ago and you doubt you even want to tell him.

You know he won't pity you, Youngjae would most likely feel saddened by the events but not pity directed at you. Maybe pity directed at Theo? Because he damn sure lost the second-best thing that happened in his life, the first best thing being Ara, your cat. And it's not like you're heartbroken and devastated by what happened, you feel more sad about it than anything. Sad and tired. Five months with that dude and it all amassed to absolutely nothing.

The only thing that seems able enough to break you out of your trance state is the loud blaring of your alarm clock as it reads you the time. Nine forty-five. Time for you to feed your cat. Your cat that always seems to magically disappear once you get home from work. You groan. Ara had always been fonder of Theo than you, after all, he had been the one to pick her out. You had wanted a dog but as always, Theo had convinced you. And even though at first, you'd hated how Ara scratched almost everything in sight, she'd grown on you and now you wished she'd done the same.

Pushing yourself off the sofa, you make your way to your apartment searching for Ara. Usually, she likes to hang in dark places, ergo your closets, but after you make two rounds of opening and closing every drawer or door without finding her, you begin to think that something has gone amiss.

Alphonsine Vernoux is still going on whatever new drama has befallen her. She talks in rapid French that you don't understand completely because of the lack of your trusty subtitles. Well not talking, more screaming than anything. She always seems to do more screaming than actual talking, but maybe that's just you.

"Merde!" She cries now, and if the broken understanding of the language is anything to go by. Fuck! is the translation.

Fuck it really is. You can't lose a cat. Correction: you can't lose your cat. You love Ara too much and although the love isn't reciprocated in the same way you want, you can't be responsible for the death of a good ole cat.

Okay, so maybe the 'good' is an oversimplification but you don't want the blood of anything on your hands, with a little exception for Theo, you're not above getting into a catfight with him (which you technically already did, although the damage was mainly done with words.) Calling Theo a bloody bastard and airing out all his dirty laundry (mainly his nauseating habits that you'd pushed to the side) to dry in front of his new fling, René was as much metaphoric blood you were willing to have sprayed on your hands. Maybe you were being more influenced by your dramas than you thought?

But back to the real point at hand, you do not want ill to befall anyone (apart from Theo). And especially not your cat.

You're so far gone with searching every nook and cranny of your little apartment for a hint of Ara that you don't notice the incessant knocking that has started tapping up your door. Quickly, you drop the pile of clothes you'd thrown out of your wardrobe, as you had raided to look for Ara, and head over to your front door.

Peering up through the peephole, you try to decipher who's there. Hopefully not Theo. He'd tried stopping by twice since you broke up with him and it always ended in you telling him to get the hell out and he claiming to have made a "grave mistake" and all that jazz that you do not believe which leads to you yelling at him to leave again. Jesus Christ, you were turning into a miniature Alphonsine, the only thing missing was the hot sex. Which you weren't getting any time soon and even if you were, it sure as fuck wasn't coming from Theo.

But regardless of this new discovery, you're still in no mood to see him today. You already have to deal with him every day at work and you'd rather not bring that hell of a mess home.

So, when you pull the door open the door, you're somewhat already preparing yourself to clash face-to-face with your ex. Ready to send him away again because, for the love of God, you're not going to hand him a second chance even if your life depends on it. But instead of Theo, it's someone completely different. Someone that's holding a sleepy Ara in his hands, scratching her head lightly.

"Oh my god," you say, reaching for Ara and taking her cautiously into your arms. You know better than to try and disrupt her sleepy state. "Thank you so much. I had no idea she even left the apartment."

The man waves away your gratitude with a shrug, smiling in a blithe manner. "It's no problem at all. I'm not sure if you noticed but she likes coming to my apartment a lot."

This is news to you but you don't want to seem as incompetent as you feel in front of this stranger, so you force a smile unto your face and try to relax the tensions in your shoulders.

"Really? I'm sorry but I have to ask, who are you?"

A look of embarrassment washes over his features as he soaks in your words. Maybe you were too harsh, calling him out like that? But you truly didn't know him at all. There was no way you'd ever forget a face like his, you don't think. He didn't have rough around the edges, rogue looks like Theo (or any of your exes, to be honest) but he had a sort of laidback and soft vibe with black locks falling short off his shoulders in smooth bouncy waves.

Clearing his throat, he replies. "I'm your neighbor, Jaebum. You can call me Jae for short. I moved in about four weeks ago? Sorry I wasn't able to introduce myself earlier, but yeah, your cat likes to come over to my place and at first I really did think she was a stray, that's why I've been taking care of her anytime she showed up but had I known, I would've never tried to impose on you like that, that was—"

You have a feeling that he's not going to stop rambling unless you do the honors of helping him. So, you interrupt.

"It's okay, don't worry about it... Jae. She can do that sometimes. I really should get her a collar or something."

Since she'd mostly stayed at Theo's place and not yours, you hadn't thought about getting her one before. Theo didn't want it on her and you hadn't really thought about the possibility of losing her. Mainly because the events that surrounded you bringing Ara to your place had been unnerving. You'd found Theo in bed with Rene and subsequently, you had stormed out of there (after giving him a full piece of your broken mind) with Ara in your hands and your car keys already fumbling with trying to open your car.

"What's her name?"

Jaebum — Jae — is the one to shake you out of your thoughts, looking genuinely curious to know the answer to his question. You figure there's nothing wrong with telling him, especially since he'd been kind enough to take care of her in your negligence.

"Ara," you finally say, giving him a dry smile. "Thank you for taking care of her for me in my absence."

He shrugs again, running his hand through his hair and you watch as Ara meows as she stretches her body towards him. You still in your movements of scratching the top of her head. She never does that. At least, she's never done that to you, she'd always craved Theo's attention and now you see, she craves Jaebum's.

Maybe she's going through a phase where she only wants male attention?

You think it'll be rude to send him on his way without making small talk so after a while of restraining Ara in your arms, you fix your gaze back to him and say:

"So... do you have any cats?"

"Yeah. Three but one is staying over at my sisters for the meantime."

Wow. You don't think you could ever be responsible for more than two lives, you could barely remind yourself to have three meals a day and had to set timers to feed Ara because, god willing, you are bound to forget to one way or another. So, for that reason alone, you begin to hold this neighbor of yours on a higher pedestal. Taking care of three cats doesn't sound as comfortable or easy, you admire him for that.

"You must really love cats then," you snort to yourself at how obvious you're being. Of course, he loves cats, he has three.

He nods his head, probably realizing that this is his cue to leave. "Cats are amazing. Anyways, it was nice meeting you..."

"y/n," you fill in for him.

Jae smiles at your name as he continues on. "It was nice meeting you, y/n. If Ara ever needs to hang out with other cats or anything like that, mine seem to love her more than me."

Oh, how you can relate. Ara seems to like everyone else on the planet but you, her caregiver. You frown. Maybe you're feeding her food she doesn't like? You make a mental note to research more on cat food before you turn in for the night.

"Nice meeting you too, Jae. Hopefully, we see each other sometime."

Against your own words, you do not, in fact, see each other sometime after that. If not for the fact that you're mainly preoccupied with due dates from work, you think you would have gone out of your way to make sure it happened because contrary to what your heart was telling you, you thought he was kind of cute. Well, not kinda. You really thought he was cute.

And if it had been of your own will, you would've long ago tried to ask him out on a date because hell, your single and ready to move past your ex. But your boss has ridiculously been on your case the past few weeks and by the luck of your fate, you've been paired, for the latest project, with René. René that refuses to let a day go by without rubbing into your face the "amazing" sex she's having with Theo, not that you even care. Fuck, you really want to deck her. How can someone be so un-classy about having your sloppy seconds? You'd never know.

Either way, René doesn't seem to be any help with the project. You've tried to work with her, although you really want to shove a stiletto heel through her eye for always going on and on about your fucking ex, she is adamant on not being productive or helpful. You wonder how she even got her job as a secretary in the first place. If you were the boss you'd never hire her. But in any case, you're stuck with her unhelpful ass for the next two weeks until the presentation to pitch a new update would be held.

"Ugh," you sigh to yourself as you lay on your living room floor, staring idly at your laptop. "This isn't going anywhere."

True to form, René had forgotten to send you the age demographics of people that had been using your company's app in the last six months. And without that vital information, you were stumped with how to prepare your speech. You wish you could call her and ask her to email it to you ASAP, but you know from experience that she would either ignore it or send you something completely irrelevant. What did you ever do to warrant such unprofessionalism from her, you wonder.

Flipping on your back, you stare absentmindedly at your ceiling. Maybe you should go out? It is a Wednesday night and you're almost certain that you're not going to clubbing today but you want to get out. So, after minutes of deliberating, you decide that you would go jogging. It's been a long time since you'd done anything active, you preferred to stay inside and watch stuff. But Piégé isn't scheduled to release a new episode until tomorrow, and you're bored.

Quickly, you go back to your room and try to find your exercise clothes that are hiding behind more used clothing. When you open your closet, you're met with the piercing blue eyes of Ara and your skin jumps off your bones.

"Oh my god, Ara," you say after catching your breath. "Why do you always do this."

These days she seems to be sulking. Maybe she's finally realizing that Theo is a no-show and you're all she's got. She refuses to allow you to carry her anymore and you think she's going through some kind of withdrawal phase. The only time she comes out of her dark places is to eat or to sit in front of the front door. Waiting for what? You don't know. But you guess she might be waiting for a long time.

Gingerly, you lift Ara up and make fast work with finding your clothes. Once you do, you strip out of your pajamas and change into your athletic leggings, a long-sleeved shirt and tie your shoes. Ara has made her way to the living room and once again has resumed her spot in front of the door. Christ, maybe you should call Theo and have the two of you work out details about the rearing of Ara.

Maybe two weeks with him and then two weeks with you? But then again, he hasn't actually asked about Ara at all since the breakup, so you wonder if he even cares that she's gone. You check to make sure her collar is on her neck before you grab your phone, keys, and earphones. Even though you're sure she won't care, you blow Ara a kiss right before you close the front door and lock it.

As you're walking past the apartment next to yours — room 321, to be exact — their door opens and out comes Jae. He has a leash connected to two collars that are respectively connected to one white cat and another black one. You still have at least a few seconds to dash down the stairs without him seeing you but you find your feet remaining where they are and you find yourself saying:

"Oh, hey!" There's so much excitement in your voice that you inwardly cringe at it. "Long time no see."

He makes a loud noise of surprise when his gazes rests on you, his hands reaching out to clutch his chest. "Shit, that scared me."

You laugh at him. His hair is hidden behind a gray beanie and it helps you see his face clearly and you notice the little black dot above one of his eyes, it's cute — you think.

"Sorry," you say, not sorry at all.

He knows this and his mouth breaks into a low smirk. He makes a move to run his hand through his hair but stops halfway when he remembers that he cannot because of the beanie. "Are you heading out?"

You nod your head. "Yeah, this body isn't going to work out itself."

"I'm taking Kunta and Odd for a walk, mind if I join you?" He points at each cat when he says their name and they perk up when he says it.

You suddenly feel like going back to your apartment and hugging Ara, but you know she'd probably scratch your face against the skinship. So, you grit your teeth and focus on the cats in front of you instead.

"Not at all. Do you have a route you usually take?" You ask as the two of you walk down the stairs, Kunta and Odd in Jaebum's arms.

"It's a pretty simple one. From here to the park and back."

Fucking hell. The park is at least thirty minutes away by car, imagine how far it'll be by walking? You groan at the thought. This is the first time you're going jogging in months and by god, you need to take it slow or else you'll end up passed out before you even make a round trip. Jaebum must realize your distaste about the prospect of making a fifty-minute walk because he offers to cut it short. Faster than you'd like, you agree to his adjusting. Maybe in a few weeks, you'd be able to, but right now in the state that you're in, you doubt you'll last.

Outside the August air is not as hot as you thought it'd be so you're thankful that you had enough sense to wear a long shirt because if not, you'd be tempted to run back inside your apartment and watch reruns of Piégé in the comfort of your bed. Jae sets his cats on the ground, oblivious to your internal turmoil, and begins to lead the way. Easily, you fall into step with him.

You find out that he's a very fast walker as you try to keep a conversation going. You ask him about his job and find out that he owns a pizzeria, to your astonishment. You'd always wanted to be your own boss, sadly that was a bust. He tells you that running his own place is pretty fun minus a few exceptions but it was a family business so, once he graduated college his father passed it on.

He asks you about what you do for fun and you tell him about your obsession — love — for Piégé with a pride in your voice. Although you tell him that you can't really watch it without subtitles since your French is still lacking, he seems blown by it regardless and you feel satisfied for some reason. Like you've impressed him a little.

After almost a good fifteen minutes of keeping the same pace and you feel as if you're finally getting the hang of things, he breaks into a run. You think you can keep up, you're not that out of shape but before you know it, you're struggling to release a breath and you're about ready to collapse on the concrete ground in defeat. Even his freaking cats have better stamina than you, damn.

"You okay there, y/n?" Jaebum asks when he catches a glimpse of you almost knocking your knees against each other. Fuck, this is embarrassing.

Struggling you manage a response. "Definitely. I'm a just a little... peachy."

Jaebum snickers at you, folding his arms across his chest and halting his steps to allow you calm down. "Really? Wouldn't have guessed."

You're tempted to throw him the finger because you know he is mocking you but instead, you squat down and place your head in between your hands. It hasn't even been thirty minutes and you already want to quit, how the hell is he doing it? You raise your head and give him a once-over. In his black t-shirt and matching basketball shorts, you think, he definitely looks the part of a healthy runner.

"Are you checking me out?"

Whoa, you are most definitely not. Okay, maybe you are. But it's not like you can help it. He has pretty defined muscles and his smile sort of does something to you, you're not exactly sure what, but you'd be a fool to deny how sexy he looks. He doesn't come off as cocky or overbearing. His looks are more soft and easy on your eyes, a good kind of feeling.

"So, what if I am?" You cock an eyebrow at him.

He doesn't expect your reply. You know this because, after a few seconds of him looking out of his element, he clears his throat and says:

"I was not expecting that."

You scoff lightly at him, standing back to your full height and dusting imaginary dust off your leggings. He's cute, you think for maybe the second(?) time that night.

"I'm ready to continue if you are," you pull your hair strands together and tie them into a ponytail.

"You're telling me," Jaebum laughs softly at the smirk dancing on your lips. "Bet you'll need another break in fifteen minutes."

Rolling your eyes, you pat his shoulder playfully. "Try me."

And try you he does. If you thought he was running fast before, he turns into damn sonic in front of your eyes. Holy shit, he's fast. You know now that he's toying with you, making you eat your own words. You kick yourself in the shin because of this, if you had kept your mouth shut, none of this would have happened and you wouldn't be begging for another rest-stop not even ten minutes later.

Jaebum guffaws at you as you crash with a heap onto a wooden bench littering around the plaza. Your muscles are crying for help, you think you might need to order an Uber to take you home because this running thing just isn't going to work out.

"Try me," he repeats your words but with a mocking undertone. "You're way too cute, you know."

Apparently, you don't know because you can feel your ears getting hotter by the second. Keep it together, y/n! You scream to yourself. You're not some high schooler. You've successfully graduated university; you are an adult. Being called cute should not get you lightheaded, goddamn! But your words fall on deaf ears because your body is still heating up, you effectively blame it on the lack of oxygen reaching your head and nothing else. Of course, nothing else.

"Shut up," you mumble mainly to yourself but he hears it and breaks into another fit of laughter. "I'll have you know, I'm usually a good runner. I'm just not in the mood today."

Jae raises his hands up in faux surrender. "Hey, hey. I believe you."

You want to chuck your sneakers at him but restrain yourself because you know there has to be something that he's bad at and when you find it, by gods, you would never let it go. You laugh to yourself. Yep, all you have to do is survive this one embarrassing moment and you're sure the world would be kind enough to repay back for your deed.

After all, life was all about the moments. And contrary to how the moments in your life were adding up about two weeks ago, this time the moments in your life, you were sure, are going to lead to you getting sweet, sweet revenge on Jae. He can have his laugh right now but you know in the end, you'll be the only one laughing... you hope.

It takes a while for him to sober up but when he does, he squats down and gives his attention to Kunta and Odd. He treats them tenderly and talks to them in a voice akin to what someone would use on a baby. You're not paying any mind to what he's saying until you hear your name fall from his lips. Much to your dismay, he is telling his cats all about your blunder and how he thinks you'll probably "pass out any minute now."

You huff out a breath and repeat your mantra to yourself. The universe was going to slip up and let you see the thing he was bad at, but until then you resign yourself to instead try your best at catching your breath.

You watch Jaebum interact with his cats and a small portion of your resolve fades away. You can tell that he really does adore them and for a moment you long for Ara. She's soft and cuddly whenever she allows you to hug her, you feel at peace thinking about it. Definitely one of the only good things that came out of your past relationship.

Contrary to the laugh bubbling in his chest, Jae is the one to suggest that the two of you head back to the apartment building without completing the route. You guess he's taking pity on your exhausted state because you simply can't do it anymore. The walk back is better and you're somewhat thankful that he doesn't start running halfway through.

He asks you, tentatively, about your job and it takes you several moments before you decide to tell him about your position as a management and research officer at a fashion wear company. The brand is considerably popular and you've seen more than a handful of people wearing the outfits your company produces. It fills you with joy that you're able to work there, although these days that joy has been replaced by laced displeasure, courtesy of Theo and René.

You don't tell him about them though, it's not like you want to air out all your problems, but you tell him about Youngjae — your silver lining of sorts. You tell him about the days where Youngjae is the only thing that keeps you smiling with his new discoveries from animal documentaries. Youngjae and you have been friends since your freshman year at college and you think it's a miracle that the two of you managed to get accepted into the same workplace.

Jaebum points out his favorite coffee shop as you near the apartment complex. It's a big one, the biggest store on the block, and you know this because you pick your late coffee fix from there when you're heading to work every morning. He likes his coffee black, no sugar and you gag over-exaggeratedly.

"What? It tastes good," he says incredulously.

You shake your head remorsefully, appalled by his lack of quality coffee taste. "It tastes like liquid shit and you know it."

He concedes. "Okay, maybe it does. But it keeps me awake at least."

Smiling smugly at him, you revel in your win. "Still tastes like shit."

The two of you keep talking about seemingly irrelevant things; his favorite genre of music, your love for ice cream in the winter, his favorite author — which happens to be William Shakespeare. You were tempted to laugh at him and call him pretentious until you saw the admiration glowing in his eyes; it was enough to make you reevaluate and let him go on a full expedition of his favorite works by him.

You don't realize you've been listening to him describe this love for at most eight minutes until you're in front of your apartment door and it's time to say goodbye but you kind of want to keep listening to him. It's something he really cares about, you can tell and for a reason, you don't know, it fills you with a sort of contentedness watching him talk about Shakespeare with such fervor.

Leaning on your apartment door, you're about to pitch in your own opinion to something he's said when your gaze catches someone walking up behind Jae. Oh, fuck shit. Groaning, you close your eyes. This cannot be happening. Not now, not here. You aren't starring in a melodrama, so why does it feel like you've been assigned the role of the main character?

"y/n!" The last person on earth that you want to see says with so much excitement in his voice you want to hurl yourself at the sun.

You can sense the confusion rolling off Jaebum in waves. You don't want him to be caught in the crossfire that's bound to happen between Theo and you. You're not very good with confrontations, blame Alphonsine for teaching you it was best to scream it all out when push comes to shove. You peel open your eyes and focus them unwaveringly on Jaebum.

"It was really nice hanging—"

"y/n! It's me, Theo," he repeats, coming closer and sidling up to you. "I came with flowers."

And what the fuck are flowers supposed to do? Flowers aren't going to keep his dick from finding the nearest trash can and dumping his load in it. God, you wonder, whatever you had ever seen in him?

Jae furrows his eyebrows in concentration, trying to piece who Theo is to you. Kunta and Odd are quickly becoming restless, wanting nothing more but to go into their home already and you take this as your cue.

"It was amazing hanging out with you Jae," you offer him a smile, ignoring Theo. "But I have to go now. We should hang out soon though, yeah?"

You don't wait for an answer, instead, you grab Theo's wrist roughly, because you're furious at him, and drag him into your apartment. You're about ready to pounce on him, ask him why the hell he's here — you thought you'd made it clear that you didn't want anything to do with him, apparently not clear enough.

"Jae? Who's Jae?" He asks once he's in the solace of your apartment.

"That's what you're asking me?" Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable this fucker is. "How many times do I have to tell you that I fucking hate you?"

"You don't hate me, y/n. Right now, you're angry, I get it. But we can work through this—"

You can't bear to listen to the bullshit that's coming out of his mouth. The way he says your name like you’re some kid that's throwing a non-deserved tantrum, makes you clench your fists at your sides. How, the ever-loving heck, had you dated him for five months? You can barely stand him now.

"Shut up! God, just shut up and get out. Why do you keep embarrassing yourself? Go back to René. The two of you deserve each other."

"I love you," he says and you know he's pulling out all the stops tonight directly out of his ass.

"Oh, fuck your love," you push his shoulder and direct him to the front door. Suddenly you're very angry, boiling even, and you can swear a vein in your neck is about to burst. "Go. I'm not playing Theo. If you don't leave, I'll call security."

There's a shift in the air and suddenly Theo is too close. You've never been afraid of him before; Theo's all talk and no bite. However, right now the feeling that slithers through your body is unadulterated anxiety. You're not backed against a wall but you feel like your safety has been compromised and you want him out. Out of your house, out of your hair, out of your life.

"Get out. We're done." You manage to say without your voice shaking, but your heart is pounding furiously in your chest. "I don't want you here."

"But you want Jae?" His already rough face contorts to something uglier. "What does he have that I don't, huh?"

For starters, he hasn't cheated on you, not like there's much competition there. Theo isn't the smartest cookie in the box, he thinks more with his sexual body parts than he does with his brain. You could swear that if you knocked on his head a shattering hollow sound will echo out, can't say you'd be surprised.

Alphonsine Vernoux, you think to yourself, watch me and be proud.

"His dick is pretty impressive, not going to lie."

Even when you're shaking in your boots, you can't really resist the urge to engage in a catfight with him. Your step-mother had always told you to go down screaming and by god, you are not going to allow Theo to intimidate you for something you don't need to feel bad for. Because you don't.

"You are a fucking slut!" His voice is loud and you can't help the incredulous laugh that falls from your lips.

"Me? Newsflash Theo; we're not together anymore. I can do whatever the hell I want."

He doesn't deserve an explanation because it doesn't matter. If he can do it when he's in a relationship, what's stopping you from doing it when you're not?

"It hasn't even been a month, y/n," he says this like it would matter to you if it has been a year or three. He doesn't own you, he ever did and he never will. Moreover, did he expect you to wait a fucking month to get over his sloppy ass?

"Are you seriously saying this right now? You're the one that screwed somebody else when we were dating! Are you fucking stupid or what?"

Theo blinks a dozen times a minute, not quite understanding what you're saying. A pig, that's what he is. So, he was allowed to go around sticking his small as fuck dick in anyone he pleased, but god forbid you do the same? (let's not even put into consideration the fact that you're single as a circle sure as hell isn't straight.)

Oh, how you want to reach up and smack him so hard he fades to dust on the spot but you're not crazy and you don't want to abuse him, you just want him to leave you alone.

"You know what? Just get out." Without waiting for him, you pull open your door and push him out with as much force as you can gather. "If we're not at work, I don't ever want to see your sexist, disgusting ass ever again. Take your stupid flowers and go give it to a bitch that cares because it sure as hell isn't me."

And then you slam the door with so much fervor it shakes on its hinges. You pull at your hair, agitated and tired because you hate him so much. Why did you even think it was a good idea to date him? The selfish prick only thinks about himself and must be some different type of delusional to think flowers were going to do anything to salve your relationship. Christ, you'd basically left Jaebum standing like a fool outside and for what?

You are pretty sure that he probably heard all that just happened. The walls in this apartment complex are thin and it's not like you weren't screaming at the top of your lungs. Ugh, you doubt he'd even talk to you again but you truly can't bring yourself to care anymore. All that you want to do now is sleep. Sleep and forget about everything. Never in your life have you ever felt so humiliated. If you could go back in time and erase meeting Theo from your history, you wouldn't even bat an eyelid.

Furiously, you punch the air and imagine it's Theo's face. It feels good to do it, like your dishing out his own medicine. You truly can't believe he thinks you were going to turn celibate because you dumped him, did he really have no sense? You keep going at it, punching the air until it feels like you've connected with his jaw because frankly, it's helping you release all your pent-up tension and annoyance.

A set of knocks proves to be the only thing able to bring you out of your punching galore and without missing a beat you yell:

"Go away, Theo! I mean it when I say I'll call the police. Don't try me."

"It's not Theo."

Indeed, Theo, it is not. Scrambling, you rush over and jack open your front door for the third time that night and through your eyes you see a glassy and blurry silhouette of Jaebum standing at your doorstep. Oh, he's not what you're expecting.

Clearing your throat, you attempt to correct your previous words. "I'm sorry about that. You're obviously not Theo and I'm sorry again for being so rude earlier, I don't—"

You're not really sure where you're going with your apology because even though you know what you want to say, the words keep mangling and choking up in your throat before you can say them.

"You're crying," he states softly and you realize now how wet your cheeks have become and why your vision is all muddled up.

"I'm not," you lie because dammit, you shouldn't be crying over that douche. You hastily try to wipe the tear marks away with the back of your palm but oh boy, they keep on coming.

He hesitates for a second before he raises his palm up and uses his fingers to rub at the tear stains. "You are. I heard what he said earlier."

You stomp your feet in annoyance because this is so unfair. How dare your ex just waltz in here and make you regret one of the best nights you've had in a long, long time. How fu—

"I for one, think your ex is the dumbest donkey on the planet. Not that I meant to eavesdrop or anything because I'd never do that but fucking hell, does he really have no filter? I've never been more inclined to use my fists and punch the light into someone as much as I want to do it to that dude. He deserves it, I think."

You crack a smile at his ramblings. God, it's endearing when he goes off tangent. Especially when you can see that he's trying his best to stop you from crying — he's doing a phenomenal job because you've been reduced to irregular sniffling.

"I'm sorry that you didn't get to finish what you were saying about how Shakespeare should be treated in modern society." You refer to your earlier conversation before everything had blown bigger than you could contain it.

"y/n," he sighs out your name. "I honestly don't give a flying shit about that right now. Your ex-said some really rude things and I hope you know it's not true."

"I know. I don't even know why I'm crying, I guess I'm just frustrated because I should have known he wasn't the smartest or the loveliest. God, how could I have been so blind?"

Jae shakes his head slightly, releasing your cheek and instead grabbing your elbows to keep up grounded. "What's done is done, so it doesn't matter but I just couldn't stand to listen to him degrade you like that. You're an amazing person y/n."

"Thank you," you say and you mean it. "I probably would have gone and cried myself to sleep if it wasn't for you."

Truthfully, you think you still will. At this point, you want to rush to your bed and collapse into a deep sleep for at least ten years. Like you've said again and again; you're not devastated. But you're so tired. Tired of it all.

"Or you could show me that French TV show you like. I wouldn't mind staying up with you and watching it if it means that you won't cry yourself to sleep... obviously, don't do this if you don't want to. I mean, I wouldn't hold it against you. Your stupid ex just came in and ruined your night, I don't want to impose on you and make you uncomfortable or anything like that because uh, you know that would suck. So—"

Watching him ramble on, you imagine the gears in his turning. On one hand, you could take his proposition as a move on a very vulnerable person but on the other you can take it as someone, a very nice someone that your body and mind seem to be keen on keeping around longer than you want, trying to console you. And you don't know why, but you think it wouldn't be a bad idea to allow him to do that.

"It's okay. You can come in," you cut him short as you step aside and push your open door wider, flashing him a watery smile. "I'm not exactly sure if you'd enjoy Piégé though. Loads of drama."

His eyes flicker between your face and then the floor, you believe he didn't quite expect you to accept his offer. But then he shoots you a slow smile in response. "Good thing I love drama then."

It is because it turns out that Jaebum loves Piégé more than you. Gradually but surely, it becomes somewhat of a ritual for the two of you to go for a run (something that you definitely got better at) and come back home to your apartment and watch the newest episode together. Something you never thought would be happening when you first met him.

You don't know when exactly the switch came but it did — slowly. You couldn't really deny the sexual attraction brewing between the two of you, not you wanted to, but this time you didn't want to build a relationship only on the physical. This time you wanted to actually know the person you were becoming accustomed to. And although we, as humans, can never know all there is to know about another person because we do not even know all about ourselves, you at least want to try. Especially since he lets you do it.

Finding out that Ara becomes way less irritable when Jae is around is a golden opportunity that you don't miss, and hence use it to keep him at your apartment longer because screw it, you feel something with him.

So, it comes as no surprise to you when he texts you in the middle of your workday — three weeks later — telling you that he has successfully binge-watched the first four seasons of Piégé in two days and he finally was up to date on the happenings of Alphonsine Vernoux and her love, Jean-Louis, so by association, you were finally able to gush and rave about the newest additions along with him and god, that was a good feeling.

It's not the same kind of feeling you had with Theo or Seongwon or any of your exes. This is different. It's calm. Being with Jae is calm and relaxing. It's more of a slight-tingle-that-washes-all-over-your-body-until-you-can't-think-straight kind of feeling. It's not explosive or counterproductive and it doesn't make you want to tear your hair out by just thinking of it. Instead, it makes you want to flow with the waves and enjoy the seasons because you know no matter what, you feel warm.

He makes you feel warm. When he remembers that your favorite time of the year is Halloween and hence helps you prepare two months in advance so the two of you can coordinate costumes for Youngjae's annual Halloween party. When he listens to you rant on and on about how much you hate René for making some otherwise snarky comment about your love life and when he rejoiced with you when she finally! packed her bags and moved five states over to marry the dude you hope will last with her for a long time because you know nobody else on this goddamn planet will.

When you introduce him to your rather small friend group and he makes it a sole duty to try and get in their good graces, which to be honest wasn't hard. He makes you feel warm when you listen to him talk about his dreams and his hopes or when he listens to you talk about the new things your attention has latched onto.

He makes you feel proud whenever you stop by his pizzeria and watch him handle his business in a cool, organized fashion. Most times trying to impress you and most times you leave there fully impressed. You listen to him talk about how much his dream of wanting to write and get something — anything, published. His parents had been against it. But then you encourage him to do it because fuck, life is too short to not do the things you love. And you can tell he loves it; in the way, his eyes light up every time you ask him about it.

"It's all about the moments," you tell him as you pretend to not see the corny grin lacing his lips as you do so.

He pushes you over the edge when he challenges you to do the things you're too afraid to. You never admit your fears but somehow, he knows them and proceeds to drag you out of your shell. You would say you hate it, but not really. You hate how he knows you like the back of his hand. You're not sure how you feel whenever his arms wrap around you at night and pull you closer to him, filling your emptiness with something more.

There's so much to be said about the way he holds you. Like you were made for him. He tells you he believes "loving one person for a long time is enough." And as the days add up to weeks that add up to months, you begin to believe them too. Being with him makes you believe in the corny quotes ripped off the internet that your step-mother has ingrained into you. It makes you wish you'd believed in them sooner.

He makes you feel content with everything every time his lips come in contact with your skin. It wraps you whole and makes you want to choke out "I love you," again and again until he believes it and burns it in his mind because it's true. When he doubts whether he is enough for you because he believes you're too good for him, you want to scream it aloud at him. Oh, how you want to but, you're scared. It's been months — eight to be exact — and you're not particularly sure if it's enough time for him to believe your words.

But after several weeks of trying to get Jaebum out of this stalemate that he's in, of him thinking that you deserve better than him when really all you ever want is him, you decide that you've had enough.

You corner him after work. A few hours after you've already gone back to your apartment to grab Ara for her nightly jog, you'll be damned if you allow her only to sit on her ass and eat all day, and left her to fall asleep soundly in the living room.

He's wrapping up the last things left to do at his store — telling one of his workers, a girl named Haru, to leave for the night and that he'll close up — when you find him. Instead of walking in like you'd usually do, you wait outside.

You're nervous. More nervous than you've ever been in your entire life. You've known for quite some time now that you love Im Jaebum. You love him so much that it seems almost stupid to not let him know. You know he loves you back, if not for the fact that the two of you have been dating for the past eight — almost nine — months, his little nickname for you "my love," was enough to tip you off. And at this point, you don't care. You just want to let it all out.

When he comes out of his store, wrapping a scarf tightly around his neck, you think to yourself: this is it. Looping your arm through his, you watch as an affectionate smile automatically slips onto his face. God, this is so incredibly corny but you feel your stomach do flips.

"How was your day?" He asks you first, maybe because he can tell how nervous you are. "Anything happen?"

You shake your head. "Not really. I did pitch in this really good idea though and my boss actually liked it. I thought I would cry."

"Bet you did," he chuckles out, wrapping his arm around your shoulder.

"Did not. I would never cry in front of that woman. She'd probably fire my ass because of 'disruption or negligence of duties.'"

Jae snorts at that but doesn't say anything in response. Instead, his fingers rub slow circles on your shoulders and you think maybe he knows something is up with you. You know it's not that big of a deal, truly. You've told him how much you love him by your actions every day since the day the two of you got together but it still feels oddly different trying to get the words out because you feel like they'll come out wrong.

It's not till you reach the big coffeehouse, the one Jae adores, that he finally stops to ask you:

"Babe, what's wrong?"

And before you can stop yourself or even think through your next actions, you throw your arms around his neck and flush your lips against his. For a moment, he's stunned into stupidity but soon enough he's clasping one of his hands around your back and threading the other one through your hair and you're sighing into you him. "I love you." He laughs into your neck because it's so obvious.

"I know."

"No, no," he doesn't. Not in the way you're trying to say it. You break away, dazed. "I love you. I love you no matter what. I love your stupid bets to get me out of bed in the evening to go running with you, I love your writings and the little post-it notes you have stuck everywhere in my apartment. I love how you don't make me feel weak for crying when I get so frustrated, I love you for attempting to sing a lullaby for my niece that one time but instead made her cry the whole night.

"I love you for always knowing what you want to do but never trying to force it on me. You don't understand, Jae. I love you. And I hate that you think I deserve someone else because you're the best possible thing that's happened to me. You're my best moment and fuck, I hate seeing you doubt yourself so much and—"

"I know," he says again and this time you think, he really does. "I know and you don't have to force yourself to say it when you're not ready. I know you love me and I'm sorry for making you think that I didn't believe in it otherwise."

Without much words, he laces his fingers through yours and rests his forehead against your own. You think you finally understand why your step-mother went/goes through so much trouble to remind you that the moments you make in life are beyond important. They make you. They teach you about love. Not the love you thought you had or knew about but real love. The kind that fills you up and makes you a better person. The kind of love that's just waiting to consume you.

With his breath fanning against your skin, you feel everything at once. The connection you have with Jaebum, the guy that you were blessed to have as a neighbor. You suppose you should be thanking Ara for the two of you being where you are today. But then again if fate really wanted the two of you together, it would have happened with or without Ara's help anyway.

You can hear your heart pounding ridiculously loud but you take a deep breath and say it again.

"I love you."

And this time he doesn't say he knows, he says it back. "I love you too, y/n."

You wonder what passersby are thinking about the two of you. Two grown adults professing their love for each other on the street like they've run mad.

He raises his head and looks at you, eyes so intense and burning, like he'd been waiting for you to say it in this way. Not in a rush to get all the words out because you and he have all the time in the world, but slow and understandable. You squeeze his hand tighter.

Regardless of the moments that led up to the two of you being here together and the circumstances that surrounded it, you're thankful. So, fucking thankful, because it means more to you than you'd ever thought possible.

"So, I was thinking," Jae's lips tilt up after several moments. "Do you want to move in?"

A/N: hey! it would be super cool if people gave me feedback on this :) i hope you liked it! thanks so much for reading !!

⇢ masterlist

©️ 2017 kai, moonbelt [aka high-on-food]

[gabriellapatterson-blog]

Challenge 7 part 2

I sat in a big chair in the women's room flipping through a book called Red Queen that I had found in the library. I was starting to get frustrated at this common trope. A girl whos supposed to be with a boy (i.e in a selection to compete for his hand at marriage) is distracted by some other side boy who she ends up either being endgame with or cheats on boy A with. (i.e getting a crush on said person’s brother). I grumbled as I was starting to get annoyed at Cal and Mare. JUST STICK TO THE RIGHT BOY GIRLS.

I huffed and put the book down before I heard yelling from the outside of the room. It sounded like Ben and Wyatt? I considered getting up to go over and talk to them since it’s not like they can come into the wome- oh they’re in.

“Don’t tell me what I want or don’t want, Wyatt!” Ben yelled. Oh they’re fighting. Does Ben not know where he is? This isn’t really the place to have a fight. I felt like it would be rude to watch but wouldn’t it also be rude to not? To just read a book like nothing at all was the matter?

“What’s even the point of keeping this going when clearly no one wants to? Danielle said herself she barely liked me, that I was fake and annoying and—” My eyebrows furrowed. I didn’t know Danielle that well but she didn’t seem outright mean. It doesn’t seem like something she would mean or at least say without taking back. My eyes shifted over to her for a moment before I decided it would be rude to stare so I looked down at the ground and listened.

““I’m obviously not enough to keep the girls around. Or keep them safe.” He added. He shouldn’t blame himself for that. If he was referencing the attack. No one really could have prevented it, we didn’t know it was coming.  

“Half of them left me for other people they met in the palace.” I felt my heart drop as Ben said that next part. If he knew that I liked Wyatt that would mean I was hurting him. I didn’t want to hurt Ben that’s why I hadn’t told anyone and why I wasn’t planning on doing anything with my feelings. I just wanted everything to stay as it was till I left. Wyatt being my friend, us having funny conversations. I didn’t want him to go further away from me nor for us to get any closer in our relationship.

“And one of them wants you,” He added which caused my heart to jump and my eyes to widen. Did Ben know? How did Ben know? Please- just let it be some other selected.

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed you and Gabriella. How do you think that makes me feel?” My stomach churned as I felt my heart drop again. My face flushed as he had called me out now in front of all of the other selected, he told Wyatt I have feelings for him. I bit down on my bottom lip. Fuck- I didn’t want this. I didn’t even want Wyatt to know let alone for him to find out like this. I breathed a little shaky as I tried to keep myself together.

Don’t respond Gabby, don’t do anything to give yourself away. You can convince them both later that Ben guessed wrong as long as you don’t crack now. I felt a lump in my throat. I wanted to cry. He told Wyatt. There was no way I could put our friendship back together after that. I wanted to run and just bury my face in bed and cry my eyes out until I packed my bags and left.

I never wanted this. I wanted to stay with Wyatt for as long as I could. To laugh and to be happy and not to think about my impending doom in a career I hate to make my mother happy, I be stuck heart broken yet again because of some boy that just didn't want me. Because honestly, I mean who would want me? I’m just some idiot doof who can’t even keep her feelings hidden. I never should have applied for the selection. I should have just stayed home.

Staying home would have been easier. I didn’t have any strong friendships here. I mean I had talked with Ophelia and Viv but they were closer to each other than I was them. Danielle and Darcy seemed nice but I didn’t know how to approach them. Zara seemed content on her own. I like Natalya but here I am alone. The only one I have is Wyatt and now I don’t even have that.

I wanted to just keep my life, but the better version. This was the better version. Here with Wyatt, laughing, having fun, just being together and forgetting about the rest of the world and the mess that was my life.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Wyatt mumbled before he continued,  “I didn't— you know I—” Wyatt wouldn’t do that to Ben. Neither of us would. We both cared about him, Wyatt clearly more so, but he was my friend too and I never would intend to hurt him. We hadn't been together in any way that was weird, we’ve just been talking like friends. I’ve been trying so hard to be careful. How did Ben figure it out? Why was he spilling this now?

I looked around, there were guards outside of the room, maids in here. I bet at least one wont be able to hold their tongue. I shifted my attention back to the two of them and made eye contact with Wyatt for just a split second. Don’t back down, don’t look away, don’t get flustered. You need to act like you don’t like Wyatt. You’re not embarrassed to make eye contact.

Wyatt was quickly the first to turn away. “Please, just—” He continued,

“NO,” Ben yelled firmly as he took another step into the room. I bet he still hasn’t noticed where he is. “No just anything! God the one time in your life you do something for yourself it’s with this? The only thing that’ll truly matters besides my coronation during my reign?” That made me feel sour. This? He thought this was the most important thing besides his coronation? I mean not like his whole reign? Controlling the lives of hundreds of thousands of people? That's so much more important than a dating game show.

“If every obstacle is telling me to end the Selection then maybe I should listen. Go be happy. Take your stupid photos and be with anyone you want. I don’t care anymore. Just leave me alone.” Ben said saying everything he never should have said.

Wyatt considered all he had said for a moment before turning, “ okay…” He said and left. Ben watched for a moment before turning to further enter the room then seeing us all and realizing he had just made quiet the scene. He quickly left to go chase after Wyatt. He regretted it that was clear.

I stood up with a huff, pissed. How dare he? How dare he?  It was not his right to tell Wyatt that, it was not fair for him to blame Wyatt for my feelings, it was not fair of him to push his problems and his anxiety onto his brother. Ben was being a little shit. I don’t care if he regretted it, he’s a 21 year old not some 10 year old who’s excusable for his bad temper.

I walked out of the women's room each of my steps almost being a stomp. Good thing my ankle was better and I wasn’t in heels because I’m very sure the heels would have snapped from my rage walking. I wanted to fight.  

I couldn’t punch or tackle anyone now. I was mad at Ben. I wanted to kick him in the shin, hit him right across the face. Hurt him in some way for payback. I took a deep breath knowing I couldn't.

Even if Ben weren't the prince I’m still old enough that by now I should be able to control my own temper. I need to stop resorting to violence. I went back to my room and changed into one of the swimsuits I had, put a coverup on and made my way to the beach. I hadn’t officially gotten an okay to go swimming again but I was furious and needed to be outside. I needed to hear the waves again which were always so calming for some reason.

I got into the water which was thankful cold against the hot air, I had asked for a surfboard so I had one with me as I went out. I hadn’t really paid attention to the weather outside but the waves were rougher today. Good. I wanted to be thrown around. It would give me something to fight and take my attention off of all of the drama.

After I bit I walked back to the palace. My hair was dripping but I didn’t really mind the cold droplets on my back. As I walked in I felt happy. I felt clean and fresh and a little tired from all of the moving. I’d probably shower then take a nap. Then my eyes caught Ben and it was like 93% of my rage returned. I quickly turned my eyes away to try and just walk by him.

I heard him walk over to me and I knew my escape plan of intimidation and ignoring had failed, “Gabby.” My name sounded horrible in his voice. I didn’t want to hear it. I wish he had kept his mouth shut and let me go on.

I looked up at him still pissed, “Benjamin.”

He glanced away from me for a moment before he returned looking tired. He probably hasn’t gotten much sleep lately, with all the press and now this, fighting with a sibling is horrible too no matter who’s in the wrong. No Gabby, he wronged you, you’re mad at him.

“I only wanted to say I’m sorry for what I said. I had no right to say what I did, especially in front of everyone else.” Great I’m getting some copy and paste apology he can use on every girl.

“Sure,” I rolled my eyes.

I wanted to leave but a question had been hitting at my head, “How'd you figure it out? I figured distancing myself from you would help you get the idea that I wasn't super into you anymore but I don't see the jump from that to Wyatt.”

He ran a hand through his hair, “I don’t know. I saw you guys look at each other one day and it sort of... clicked I guess.” I couldn’t help but feel a bit bad for him. I had wronged Ben too. I was here for him. I liked him for a bit too, he must have liked me somewhat or else I wouldn’t still be here. It wasn’t nice of me to go off flirting with his brother.

“I should apologize to you too. What you did really hurt my feelings, especially because I hadn't even told Wyatt how I felt and wasn't planning on it because I liked where we were of just getting to be friends without drama or dealing with the hypothetical ethics of it all, not to mention I'm very sure he just sees me as a friend and I'm not really fond of rejection- anyways I'm getting side tracked-” I mumbled, “-this is why I got blackout drunk a few nights ago.” I sighed then tried to gather my thoughts to properly apologize, “I miss not having to think, but again, anyways even though you were a massive ass you're probably also stressed and having a selected like your brother wasn't a help. I mean I never intended to every do anything with it so you really shouldn't have stressed because I had planned for no one but me to know so it's not like the public would find a way to criticize you for it, but you didn't know that so I individually added to your stress so I'm sorry for that.”

He looked sad at my apology. Why? It was better than his copy paste one, “You don’t have to apologize. I know I was an ass, a huge one. But you- if you guys wanted to be together, maybe not now but…” He looked off to the side before turning his attention back to me, “in the future? You should. I’d only want the both of you to be happy.”

I chuckled a bit finding his careful dealing with the topic a little funny, “Well, I'm very sure he doesn't feel the same way. I'm planning on talking to him later and am fairly sure I can convince him you guessed wrong. Just to let you know so you don't talk to him again about me liking him. It's just easier to not deal with all that other stuff.”

“I know Wyatt. He- well, I’ve revealed enough about him already.” He frowned mostly to himself. I wonder why he’s still so sad? His garbage apology worked. Well probably because his brothers upset at him. “I’ll let you two figure it out.” The hell is that supposed to mean. There’s nothing to figure out.

I paused for a moment before thinking about my rage from earlier, “You're very lucky that you caught me right after I went out, this will probably be the first time since I was eight that I will have been as mad as I was and not ended it in physically fighting someone. To be fair it is normally, highly justified. But fortunately for you, you got to keep your nose not broken unlike the last fellow.”

We talked for a bit longer about my history with violent interactions and outbursts. Really it was just two. I was 10 and like 16 so they weren’t that serious. And I felt justified in both of their cases.

I went up to my room. Washed my hair, then took a nap. I crashed onto the bed and just let everything out. Regardless of Ben’s apology, Wyatt knew now. I wasn’t sure if that was something I could fix. I wasn’t sure if everything had just fallen apart and I’d lost my only friend here. Granted I don’t think I’ll be staying much longer now that Ben knows I don’t like him.

I kept thinking about Wyatt and how much I wanted to stay. How much I liked him and wanted to be with him. But there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t and wouldn’t ruin our friendship, or even risk it.

Plus there was the whole ethics aspect of this. Ben, I would technically be cheating on him if I tried anything with Wyatt. As long as I was in the selection I was supposed to be loyal to Ben. Dating Wyatt would be incredibly risky. I doubt Ben would follow the law and have us executed if we got together, but if anyone else caught us there wouldn’t be a choice in the matter. The people would be livid and you have to listen to the people.

Not to mention this meant I would go home soon. Back to a place where I have to act. Play a character. Someone who hates surfing, a good daughter who wants to learn. A three. Someone with the brains to play the part. To make it through life with a plan. A strict plan. A plan with no fun where I’m stuck working everyday inside some cubical or a classroom. Reading papers, organizing, or color coding. To be my scaredy cat self again who’s too fearful to talk to the people I life. To live my life shut in a cage with no hope of escape.

That or I face the war. I ruin Elliana’s childhood. I turn her into me. Always fighting to keep her family together as her older sister selfishly goes off to follow her passion not giving a damn about the damage she leaves behind her--about her sister who she left behind her. About the wreckage of her parents fighting and screaming behind a shut door but their voices are so loud that the world shakes with each hateful word they throw at each other as you just hope that maybe tomorrow something will change but it never does.

I can’t give that to Ellie. I can’t be Riley. I can’t hurt everyone around me to pursue some stupid hobby. I’m not even good. I pulled the blanket over my head as I tried to keep everything inside.   

I took a deep breath shut my eyes, and tried to go to bed. I really couldn’t I spent the night going in out of fits of crying then back to sleep, crying, sleep, repeat. Till finally it was morning.

The next day I waited for the afternoon then went to fix things. I needed to be composed. I needed to seem convincing. Unfazed. I didn’t like Wyatt so Ben spilling my secret wouldn’t bother me because it wouldn’t be true. So I had to see like I was only upset because he hurt Wyatt. Which I was but that was in addition to him hurting me.

I stood outside his door and considered knocking but decided that he may not let me in if I had so instead I went for the more direct option and just opened the door. I stumbled in prepared to talk but saw Wyatt in bed, asleep. I walked up to his bed to be sure and looked down at him for a moment. Sad because he's sad. Then I noticed the trashcan full of his pictures and frowned more. I  walks over to the trashcan and carefully took them out and smiled at them because they're cute and have happy memories. Like Ellie being a sadist and forcing me into the weirdest pose for a picture. I then walked over to his desk to set them down by his camera.

Suddenly I heard the beeping of his wrist watch. He was laying on his chest so when he moved his arm and turned his head slightly to turn the alarm off he hadn’t seen me. He then flopped his face down onto the pillow.

“You should probably wake up since I assume you set that alarm for a reason.” I said and leaned against his desk.

He jumped from the bed, sitting up and looking over at her, eyes wide open in shock. But then he looks at he opened door and blinked staring back at me, “How did you- Were you-were you watching me sleep?” He asked utterly alarmed. Normally I would have laughed but I just wasn’t in the mood. I hadn’t slept well from all the crying after all.

I shrugged, “No. I came to talk. I really just got here, then I saw you had thrown your pictures away and got distracted” I said and motioned to the pictures.

His eyes went to the box and he pressed his lips together, shifting to let his feet touch the floor and reaching for his shoes—not facing me, “You should’ve left them where they were.

”I shouldn't have that's not where they belong. Why are you putting shoes on?” I asked.

“Am I required to stay barefoot during our conversation?”

“I mean a lot of people just don't like wearing shoes when they're in their own area. You can wear shoes if you want.” I paused for a moment and decided I should get started on fixing things,

“I don't like you like that by the way. I don't know where Ben got the idea from but it's not true.” He clenched his jaw.

“Well, obviously I like you as a friend but not like romantically. That would be unethical and not correct. Sorry if I did anything to make him think that since he yelled at you for that for one thing.” I said mumbling the rest after my first sentence.

He leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees and sighed, “Gabby..”

God, I annoyed him didn’t I? “Huh? Sorry, I don't mean to bug you I just wanted to clarify that.”

“I see.” He replied and stared at me. Wyatt hadn’t really been like this with me before. It’s because he and Ben are fighting I’m sure. Riley always closes off to me when we argue.

“Oh well I wanted to talk to you about Ben too. I'm sure I don't fully understand how you feel or the fight, especially because the closest thing I've had to this with my siblings I acted more like Ben, but you should hear him out. People say things they don't mean when they're mad because they get defensive and try to hurt the other. They can be especially good at it if they know the person because they know where to hit. Ben seems really sorry from what I've heard. Talking to him will help you move past this as opposed to sleeping in your room and pushing him away.”

“I’m not avoiding him.” Yeah and I’m mature. A total lie. He mumbled, “I just need some space... and that’s what he wanted anyway so”

He trailed off, chuckling softly but not it of amusement. He stared at his hands for a moment, then shook his head, “Look, he’s going to feel bad about what he said, there’s no way around that. I’m not- I’m not mad at him. But I don’t want him to keep lying for my sake.” He swallowed and rubbed the back of his neck, “I understand if he doesn’t want to put up with me anymore.”

I understood how Wyatt felt. At least a little. Riley had pushed me away before, not wanting to deal with me being her little sister. Especially when she was a teen and I was still a child. She didn’t want to hang out with me. But I also feel the other way around. I was always picking up after Riley. Fixing things with mom. Keeping everything together while she chased her dreams. I have said some nasty things to her before out of frustration at always having to deal with her.

This was different though, Wyatt hadn’t done anything wrong. Ben attacked him without reason. Ben needed to apologize point blank. And I know he has, but Wyatt needs to listen. So I need to think about who I was in those times where Riley was sick of me for once. To try and relate. This was the first time I had really seen Wyatt upset and I already hate it.

“If you talked with him you'd know that's not how he feels at all. He was just mad and had an outburst. Like when a kid says they hate their parents.” I mumbled a bit to the side, “Which really he did act like a child.” I then focused back on him, “Anyways, he didn't mean it and taking a depression nap and throwing away your pictures isn't going to fix anything. Which by the way they're great pictures he just went for a low blow.”

“It’s not a depression nap. I didn’t sleep much yesterday. And I know he was lashing out. I know how he gets. I was hoping I could get to him before that and, we’ll, clearly I didn’t succeed. But what he said...a part of him must think it’s true.” His breathing got shaking and he rubbed his eyes, “Heck, I think it’s true. I didn’t throw the pictures away because I think they’re the worst. I threw them away because they’re not that special. Which is why I don’t do photography as more than a hobby. There’s no point. I take pictures because I want them. I’m not sharing them with the world. Especially not to your dad like they’re some great gift. He actually wanted to pay for them.”

I plopped down on the bed next to him. I knew a bit of how he felt. With my surfing. I wasn’t anything special but I loved it. Though, Wyatt’s different because he’s special. He’s good at it, “You're a good photographer. Plus you seem to really like it. Since you like it so much you should continue regardless of the quality. Which by the way your pictures are again great. Even if sometimes you don't think they look the best everyone else loves them so just try to think about that when you can't get yourself to like them.”

He doesn’t say anything for a moment but then mumbled, “I like them.”

“That's good then. Because you like them and everyone else loves them. So no more pictures in the trash, okay?” I asked.

He glanced at me and the hint of a smirk appeared as he muttered, “I’m not a little kid.” But then he looked at the floor again, “Thanks..”

I chuckled and decided to make the mood lighter, “If either of us are the little kid it's me, my temper is as uncontrolled as a ten year old's. I got very close to deciding to go tell Ben to be ready to ball up.”

He genuinely chuckled, “Are you going to defend my honor, Cupcake?”

I smiled happy that it seemed I was getting through to him, I then leaned back on the bed with one arm behind me and held up  the other up and smirked, “Of course, what else would I do with these perfect guns.” My other arm being up was for showing off.

He hit me gently with the pillow that was next to him, still smiling a bit, “Be careful. Ben bruises easily.”

“I talked with him earlier so I think now I've calmed down enough that I can just verbally defend you honor. Though, I will keep that in mind in case we ever square up.”

He nodded and thought for a bit, “Did he apologize to you?”

“Yeah he did. I suspect he's been doing rounds to apologize to all the girls. He looked absolutely horrified when he finally realized what room he had been in.”

“That’s good.” He said then fidgeted with a button of his cuff and then spoke ”You didn’t have to come here but um, I appreciate it. Next time knock though.

I chuckled, “Right sorry. I was worried you would be like "Leave me alone angst angst angst, somehow death glares through the door.

He laughed, “ I would never sound like that! And that’s physically impossible.”

“I'm not quite sure what's possible with you and that glare. Sometimes I feel like it's like you've put a curse on me. Or that I'm already being murdered. It's intense. Though, Ben said earlier that when I glared at him it was good enough to scare children.” I crossed my arms proudly.

“So that means you scared him?” Wyatt asked as he must have heard me call him a child earlier.

I laughed, “I actually did scare him. Though, he still talked to me so it didn't have the total effect I wanted. You'll have to teach me the death glare.”

“It took me years to master. Besides, you’re too cute to ever be convincing.”

I felt my cheeks flush. He called me cute. Oh my god he called me cute. Probably in a non romantic way but still HE CALLED ME CUTE *blasts off like Rudolph in the movie* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dm94FmRX6c0

“wouldn't think you'd be good at death glares since you're such a dork but I'd be wrong. Who knows maybe I'd do great at them.” I replied as I tried to hold in my giddiness.

He cleared his throat as I said dork for some reason, then looked at the ceiling, “I don’t know, you’d look like an angry chipmunk.”

I looked back at him and saw him looking at the ceiling then reached over to turn his head to face me and I tried to glare, “Did it work?”

He turned red as I suddenly realized the proximity of our faces and turned red myself, “Nope, sorry to disappoint.” He pulled back quickly, and rubbed his nape awkwardly and looking away.

“I should probably head back to my room now. My maids will want to get me ready for dinner and I'm sure you have whatever you set an alarm for.” I said totally embarrassed and wanting to go. I was supposed to be convincing him I didn’t like him. Not pushing out faces two centimeters apart.

He cleared his throat, “Sounds about right.” He quickly stood and offered me a hand.

I took his hand and got up, “See you at dinner, table mate.” I excused with a thumbs up then turned to leave.

[nanashi1869]

🌼Flowers for my wounds🌸

(@kondo-hijikata @liuet in case you feel like reading it? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

~Yes, woo what a surprise, a long rant about the Shinsengumi again, how original Nashi. ~

Why thank you, dear reader ;) In all seriousness though, all the previous rants I made were spoiler free and it made me ridiculously furious that I held back all the salt and awe I have in me just for the sake of not spoiling any potential newcomers. I’ve covered some of this in vague posts hundreds of times, but today I will break that habit, I will spoil this to hell and back and enjoy it just as much.  

You've been warned.

PS: I’m doing this entirely based on my memory and some snippets I’ve seen one time too many for my own good. Inaccuracies are bound to happen. 

As always, what better way to begin than with the infamous episode 33...

I'm kidding, today I'm starting by digging into the post office. As with the usual routine the theme to talk about with this wreck is - guilt. Guilt over losing money in a gamble like a complete fool, guilt over buying a book and being too big of a shit (with rather solid arguments) to admit it, guilt over making rules you can't break even though going through the consequences once was enough to make you regret it for the next few miserable years... (Yes I lied, inadvertently everything comes back to the foolish daffodils). But let's talk about our pure accountant who is one 'i' short of being nothing but cute. Let's talk about the edge they put us on a bit before the main event took place, when the (drama version) of the idiot trio tore that scroll. Never forget that could have been the reason for all our tears, yet in the end it still had to be some more complex scheme. An act with the convict being an innocent man and the true criminal roaming free, while Toshi had all the time in the world to steep in deep, raging self-denial over the legitimacy of his past actions and life choices, all the while ending up the scapegoat to whom all the anger can be directed towards. The subtlety with which we were deceived to think the "actual events" of episode 38 were to play out earlier is truly commendable. But with this drama nothing is ever easy. You get to know a new character, someone moves a chess piece and then instead of moving forward everything takes a step back and lets you seethe with nervousness because, without realizing, you've been tricked and have to wait for all the heartbreak a while longer. Takeda's resolve to keep to his decision, regardless of consequences, was in his eyes, completely justified. It did make sense to try and prevent Kano from buying the book for Ito in order to protect the group from his growing power, the action simply failed due to Toshi's own greed after it. Kawai innocently, perhaps naively, thought lending money more than once would not be punished in hopes his friends would be saved from harm. It is his kindnesses that is ultimately his doom and it is the unexpected, usually harmless twists in life that turn it into a spiral with no point of return. Takeda's following quest for redemption ends up being just as pointless as Kawai’s death - he is killed in an instant of hate directed at him, where the assailants are unaware of his reasoning for the justification of his friend's demise. The book too, loses value as Ito gets his own copy later on.

Most, if not all, tragedies in this drama happen because someone is trying to protect or shield - and idea, a person. Toshi's friends die because he must protect the order of the group for Kat-chan, Yamanami and Akesato have a rift in their final moments because they cannot be honest (likewise Souji and Hide), Kat-chan's relationship with Tsune suffers because he lies about Miyuki, Nagakura and the others write the petition to shield the group from Toshi and Kat-chan's (propensity) ego. The pattern is pretty clear.

I'm going to loop back to the script for just a second - watching this drama knowing what will happens adds a thrill, it makes you question when an event will take place even though you know the chronological sequence, because the “mini-arc” leading up to it has to be completed first and the tension must be just right. How long that is depends on the episode and event of course. But each arc is a stepping stone to a new point of no return.

I think, since I've mentioned him, I'll take a bit to talk about Ito as well. I love, love, love the confrontation Kondo and Ito have right before his death. It's absolutely stunning despite being simplistic in nature, because what Kondo states is in fact the very obvious truth and in no way some overly wise notion of the situation. However, it's that simplicity (to me) that adds to the charm of the scene. If you expected some courageous battle of wits, you might have been sourly disappointment, but otherwise - see the pattern? - what brings people to their knees is once again the basic things in life. Kondo’s sincerity, the fact that life is and always will be (mostly) separated into black and white for them. Farmers and samurai, poor and rich - they fit in a narrow grey zone, yet even there they are bullied, pushed away to leave. It's everything complex they're trying to achieve being haunted by little things. It's the desire and determination to be something big and more buried into the ground by the small things they were raised with, holding them back.

Ah, it’s about time this goo got to the good part.

No, it’s still not episode 33. Firstly because I’m sure everyone is tired of my whining about it and secondly because I like to leave best (in my opinion) for last.

This is for our Gargoyle and Tofu. Just imagine, for a second imagine that final hug again and bathe in it, then come back to me, okay? The wedding rings champagne caps and Toshi’s little grimace when he tries to convince himself ‘it’s not over yet’. (At this point I would just like to praise Mitani again for giving us closure with that hug, unlike some other shows I watch *side eyes knife pile*). I’m really glad the two of them got to hug it out before the whole deal blew up. Everytime a ‘Kat-channn’ or ‘Tossshii’ came around my heart melted a bit. THE DYNAMIC IS SO GOOD. (I get so, so jealous each time I see well written relationships between two guys. Doesn’t matter if it’s boyfriends/best friends/would-die-for-you combined or only one of these included. (*cough* NIF & Bleach for one *cough*) I don’t even know what to say! We all know Toshi would sacrifice the world for Kat-chan. We all know Kat-chan trusts him above all else. The guilt one feels and the content of the other having come so far together and being such a power combo…*noises*

I don’t even know how to put this.... (@kondo-hijikata help this is your expertise)

I’m going to move on to some more feathery stuff because I’m really at a loss about these two (analysing NIF’s LC/MCS has engraved so deep into me it’s ruined my perception for everyone else, I apologize).

Right, feathers…

I wrote about Serizawa and his issue of not being able to get over his “I’m a bad guy, therefore I must act like it” complex...somewhere before. I can’t find it, but I’m very sure that was once a thing. I know most people hate the man with a burning passion and part of me probably does too, yet the way he is presented also makes him fascinating, like he is very self-aware but cannot change anything about that (this is similar to Toshi’s “indifference” (we all know he actually cares) of his path to become the villain - he knows that what he is doing is morally wrong and has no intention of stopping). I feel like in the end both of them continued with “bad guy” roles simply because they were too far down that road to stop.

I would analyse Serizawa’s character more, but I honestly don’t remember much anymore. I did want to mention this though.  Toshi on the other hand…feels like someone who desperately wishes to rage quit everything, but keeps on going out of pure spite.

And since I’m speaking of our beloved vice-commander - one thing that opisses me off is that Kotetsu got mentioned, but the whole wow deal with Kanesada got dropped out, even in the movie. *cue bawling over that Katsugeki finale* I was hoping for that when Tetsu showed up dammit!

Am I tiring you yet? Come, sit down, have some tea Gen-san made because he is totally ok and alive an happy and you cannot convince me otherwise because the hugging thing did not happen. Period.

…

Lastly, because my mind is going blank this is quite long - the bane of my existence and the one thing (to me) more cursed than Ryoma himself. (I’m lying PMK upped this x100000 and I am not over that either. I’ll confess immediately I did not read the whole thing yet but this, this haunts me).

This stupid episode with it’s stupid ending and it’s stupid decisions. *insert me yelling about rice balls on the Mibugishiden review post* I mean what is it with this drama and ending brutally sad episodes with (unintentionally?) funny moments? *cue Toshi’s squeaky crying* I have covered my thoughts about Akesato here and here though and since that essentially recaps everything I want to say, I won’t repeat myself. (Thought you’d have to read through 5 more pages of me screaming? I did too before I forgot what I wanted to say.)

I might make a part 2 someday, if I think of more to say, but for now, I’m done, leaving you with this stressful mess. Feel free to add your own opinions, I’m really curious about what the rest of you think.

~Nashi out~

[perpetually-jungshook]

Without You: Bloodstone (Part 23)

Genre: AU, bts!werewolf, fantasy, angst

Warnings: language, violence, suggestive content

Word Count: 2.8k

Summary: Werewolves, contrary to popular belief, are usually gentle creatures. Except for a very specific set of circumstances, they would never hurt a human (on purpose). The few unfortunate times when mistakes were made put a permanent dark mark on the beasts and people began labeling them as monsters. What the human population failed to recognize was the fact that they were protecting us from something much more sinister. Luckily, a few survived and the gene was passed down hereditarily until one day finding its way to me… in the form of my best friend.

Link to: Storyboard (reference pictures) | General lore post | Intimacy lore post Prologue | Previous | Masterlist | Next

Loyalty is often as blind as justice should be, as unstable as a lightning storm ought to be, and as misplaced as an opinion in the truth.

Chapter 23:

“I loved you.”

A wave of warmth pulses through my veins, culminating in my stomach and my cheeks. Those are words I’ve been waiting to hear for years. My best friend, the person I couldn’t leave behind even after he literally became a monster, my sweet, smart, handsome Jungkook just said he loved me.

Yet the way that he said it was distant and past tense. Loved.

I take a deep breath, “Not anymore?”

Jungkook’s tongue pokes out, wetting his lips, buying time, “As a friend, I’ll always love you. But it’s not… the same. It’s an instinct thing.”

An instinct thing. How am I supposed to respond to that? Maybe by trying to be supportive. Maybe by telling the truth.

“Jungkook?”

“Yeah?” he looks up, softening.

My words are quiet, but not hesitant, “I still love you.”

His gaze drops again, almost shamefully. The hair on the back of my neck prickles in humiliation and anticipation, but I’ve known him, been close to him, and been in love with him for so long that I couldn’t ask him to leave even if I wanted to.

“I’m sorry, Eun.”

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault.”

“But I could’ve-”

I shake my head, “There was nothing you could’ve done- nothing you can do now that it’s done. It’s okay. Even with this stupid imprint thing, we’re still best friends. Right?”

Jungkook’s gaze doesn’t leave the floor, but he smiles sadly and nods, “Of course. Best friends.”

“Can I hug you? Or is that against the rules?”

His shoulders sag a little, “I’d say yes, but I don’t want to leave my scent on you. Being in this room is already… going to make him mad.”

Him, Jimin. I’d almost forgotten how possessive he might be. He’d showed self control around Munhee but would Jungkook be more of a threat?

“Besides, no offense, but you smell like him and pheromones and it…” his nose scrunches in faint disgust, “Does stuff to my brain.”

“Instinct thing?”

“Instinct thing.”

Pause.

Jungkook bows politely, another distant gesture, considering what’s usual for us, “I’ll see you soon okay? Hopefully noona and Namjoon hyung will be able to help and… and we can go back to normal.”

The suggestion is empty. Both of us know things well never be the same as they were before. Jimin will be sensitive and will probably make my life miserable. Jungkook’s instincts will prevent us from being close. But I appreciate the gesture of him saying it.

“Hopefully,” I agree. There’s an awkward pause before I continue, “You should probably get back to training.”

Jungkook nods and hesitates, but leaves without another word. I miss him already.

It takes a few seconds of boredom for me to realize I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing. Am I allowed to walk around? To go to the living room and watch a movie? To grab a snack? To go to the workshop? Or will all of these things make Jimin aggravated?

My concern doesn’t stem from sympathy for him, but rather not wanting to make my own life difficult. I’m not in the mood for more confrontation. I look down at the blankets on the bed to find a few limp yellow petals. The Calendulas. Maybe I could try something. I pick them up and place them in my palm.

There’s probably a difference in the energy for reactive magic or the approach toward culminating it, but why not experiment? No one else is around. I’ve not nothing to do.

The green flame ignites directly over the petals. As magic does not actually create heat, nothing happens. The color doesn’t change, they don’t disappear, they don’t even burn. I try crushing them with my fingers by closing my hand, but this has the same result. Nothing. Figures.

I decide to take a nap and am woken up by the sound of… silence. Uncannily pure silence. The dripping water has stopped. The air vent has gone quiet. I sit up and look down at Yoongi’s watch on my wrist. The second hand races around the face.

A scream splits the air like metal on glass.

It’s not so much a scream as a mixture of a wail and a screech, dozens of voices of all tones, pitches, ages, and genders. Demon. The sound of growls, snarls, and barks are interwoven in the noise, making it easy to lose them, but they’re still present. The wolves are taking care of whatever it is. I decide to stay in my room. There’s nothing I could do to help. I have no special “powers,” I don’t have extensive training, and I don’t even have any silver to ward them off. I’d just be in the way, a liability.

The door opens, amplifying the sound for a moment before Jimin stumbles in and slams it closed. He only glances at me for a second, lower lip bleeding, bruising vivider, clothes more tattered. He’d lost his shirt at some point.

I recoil despite the moderate distance between us, curling up on the furthest corner of the bed. I’m not sure what to be more afraid of, Jimin or the demon outside.

He shoves his shoulders against the door, then sinks down to sit. He’s breathing hard, eyes closed. Beyond all else, Jimin looks like he’d just sprinted through a rock pelting to get into this room.

As per usual, he says nothing.

For a few seconds, the screaming stops and there’s the sound of a scuffle, a body hitting the floor or a wall (or the ceiling, I shouldn’t leave out that possibility). My heartbeat and Jimin’s heavy panting are both eerily loud. Naturally, fear creeps into my stomach physically, into my stream of consciousness mentally. What if Jungkook had been injured? It’s a thought that’s constantly flitting around my mind.

He’ll be alright. He’s always alright.

I loved you.

A chill crawls down my spine. If this were a romantic drama, that would’ve definitely been the last conversation we’d ever have.

“You okay?” Jimin finally speaks, though his tone is flat.

“Good enough, considering.”

He nods, “I hate demons. This one can crawl up walls. Fucking jumped me.”

“Jumped you?”

So he was outside of the bunker.

“Yeah, I barely made it back in time.”

“You brought the demon here?”

Jimin scoffs, “What was I supposed to do? Die? Well, no one would care anyw-”

The door lurches inward and Jimin’s whole body tenses, bracing himself and throwing his shoulders back against the metal barrier. It closes again and he lets out a huff, flicking his head to get the coffee brown hair out of his eyes.

Anger boils up inside my stomach. He put Jungkook in danger, he put me in danger again because he couldn’t… the anger dissipates. I’ve seen demons. I’ve seen them almost overpower several wolves at once. How could I expect Jimin to deal with it on his own? It’s only natural that he would seek help, no matter how ostracized he is from the pack. But then something occurs to me. Why come in here? Why not help the pack? Is he hiding?

The door lurches again and I can hear a distant screech before Jimin closes it. Distant? If the demon is the one screaming and it is somewhere else in the bunker, who or what is at the door?

A feminine, child’s giggle reaches my ears, causing my skin to crawl.

“Eun,” the voice is oddly melodic. “Remember me?”

No… the little girl. It couldn’t be. Munhee told me that she died. Wait. That’s incorrect. The little girl’s soul- dormant, displaced, dead, or otherwise- is gone. Munhee had said that the demon would keep the host body alive. Halsahm kept the host body alive.

How had it gotten out of the room? How had it gotten out of the hallway? With all of the silver and the sigils that blocked the way… had someone let it out?

The door handle turns and Jimin’s whole body visibly tenses. I shrink back against the wall. If we all live through this, I need to ask Munhee for a weapon. Something. Anything.

“If you open this door, I’ll shred you, body and all,” Jimin practically barks.

“You’d do that to a little girl?” the voice is muffled, but clearly amused. The handle jiggles again.

Jimin’s face starts turning red with effort, his jaw clenched, “You aren’t fooling anyone with the skin you’re wearing, fuckface.”

“My poor innocent ears,” Halsahm laughs, a sound that rings with uncanny delight. “All I need is the girl. There’s no reason you can’t hand her over like a good doggie-”

His body ripples, a snarl tearing up his throat, “I’ll kill you first.”

There’s a pause.

“You’ve imprinted on her. Haven’t you.”

Jimin tenses in surprise, causing the door to open just a crack as Halsahm pushes it. His eyes flood with the piercing amber color, but it promptly recedes as his feet find traction again. I can just see the face of the little girl, blood red stare and all. Summoning magic?

Its gaze meets mine immediately, with no pause, almost as if Halsahm knew exactly where I was, where I would be.

“You can feel it, can’t you. My connection with her,” the demon seems to continue addressing Jimin. “She belongs to me.”

“Eun belongs to no one. She’s not yours. She’s not mine. She’s not even… Jungkook’s,” Jimin abruptly looks up at me, as if in realization, a small crease forming between his eyebrows.

Before I can even begin to consider his expression, with too much power for a little girl, Halsahm throws open the door. Jimin tumbles forward and I can hear his head hit the concrete floor.

The little girl steps forward into the room and I can hear my own pulse, but even that fades as the world around me becomes muted, distant.

Your little pet knows. That’s why he came to protect you. Do you know?

“Know what?” I’m not even surprised by the voice in my head at this point, though the panic that’s probably supposed to be there is muffled by a strange, though vaguely familiar mist in my mind. My thoughts swim, moving in slow motion.

How connected we are. You were meant for me.

“Meant for you?”

Has she not told you? About the spirits?

“Told me what? I know about demons vaguely,” I can’t seem to stop myself from answering honestly.

But what about the good spirits? Like the one inside of you.

“What do you mean by ‘one inside me?’ What good spirit?”

The opposite of us…demons, as you like to call us. What is source of your magic, hmm? Curious little one, did you ever ask? Did you think it was your own skill? Wrong. Not just anyone can harness this kind of power. And even those who can… you’re special. You’re mine.

My gaze is fixed on Halsahm’s blood red eyes.

You are my opposite. My exact opposite. Together, we will be powerful, Eun. Together-

The little girl in front of me, directly in front of me, hand outstretched, begins to transform. Her jaw grossly dislocating like a snake, skin charring, white foamy bile dripping from the corners of her lips, her physical image becomes the manifestation of the demon within her just as its head is torn from the body.

Sensations slam into me. The distant screeching. Heavy panting. Heartbeat.

Bu-dum bu-dum.

My head throbs and I only just manage to stay conscious this time. No, it’s not only my head, it’s my muscles, my veins, everything. With every pump of my heart, I can feel it throughout my body, fingertips to feet. I start to fall, but catch myself on my elbow, which digs into the mattress.

The world around me blurs into and out of focus; yet I can clearly make out the coffee colored massive lupine figure on the floor, not moving. Thankfully, after a moment or two, I see shallow breathing.

“J-Jimin?” my voice cracks.

The wolf huffs in acknowledgement, but it’s a weak sound.

My thoughts continue to swim, but I manage to get up. The room swims too. I almost trip on the body, but I stay upright long enough to kneel down next to Jimin. Something’s wrong. Don’t werewolves heal fast? Shouldn’t he be up by now?

I reach out and press my hand into his fur. He relaxes, but I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.

The screeching stops and after a minute or two, the air vent begins hissing, the water starts dripping. The demons are gone- or at least taken care of, contained. The immediate danger is gone. Now time to assess the damage.

I can’t seem to get up. Jimin’s breathing has evened out, but he hasn’t moved otherwise.

Halsahm has stayed dead, contrary to my expectations. Had it… evaporated? Or whatever it’s called? Or had Munhee marked it with sigil magic, locking the spirit inside? I hadn’t seen the symbol anywhere on the body and I’m much too tired to look. Exhaustion hits me as the door opens, revealing a haggard looking, human Hoseok.

His keen eyes sweep the room, voice hoarse as he nods to himself, “Thought I smelled blood…”

“Eun?” Jungkook skids to a stop in the doorway, panting hard. Despite his speed I can see he’s limping.

“I’m alright,” I croak, suddenly feeling the nausea well up in my tummy. Jungkook looks conflicted and remains in the hallway, as if he doesn’t dare get any closer. I clear my throat, “But Jimin might be in trouble.”

Hoseok breathes deeply, “Nothing too serious. We’ll have Munhee look at him.”

Jimin growls, but the sound fades almost immediately.

The throbbing in my head and in my body begins to get worse. Despite the fact that I’m kneeling, the world around me sways dangerously, “On second thought, I think I need to… see Munhee too.”

“Why-?”

I shudder, an involuntary action, “Please get her. Halsahm…”

I realize too late that I’ve said the name out loud. More powerful now or not, the girl is dead, which means the demon has been released from the body. Released? Expelled. Left. Whatever the case it’s gone, no longer trapped in the bunker.

A set of hands moves Jungkook aside and Namjoon takes his place behind Hoseok. The look of concern is immediate on his expression, “Hoseok, go get noona.”

“But-”

“Go,” Namjoon barks, causing Hoseok to push away from the door and jog down the hall. The man with the blue-grey hair then turns to Jungkook, “You are going to help me get Jimin in his room. Jimin, we have to do this. Don’t fight me.”

The coffee color wolf attempts another growl, but the sound fades just as quickly as the first.

“Can you change back?” Jungkook asks quietly.

There’s a pause before Jimin whimpers.

My friend exchanges a look with the pack leader before both boys step into the room. I don’t even flinch when they transform. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve now gotten used to the sounds, or if I simply don’t have the energy for aversion.

Between the black wolf and blue-grey wolf, they’re able to half carry, half drag Jimin away with minimal protests. This leaves me with the body. I can’t help but look. Blood continues to spill from both ends of the mangled neck, though it’s slowed to a trickle that feeds the growing puddle, which inches closer and closer to me on the concrete floor. I force myself to scoot back, away from the blood, away from the spattering and the corpse. I can only hope that the little girl has found peace somewhere.

With my back pressed against the opposite wall, I refuse to look at the head directly. The matted hair has covered the face, hiding it. But nothing seems to stop the spread of the foamy white substance as it mixes into the crimson.

I turn away, nausea coming over me in another powerful wave. My whole body begins to tremble as the footsteps cause me to look up. Munhee, blood trickling from her nose, staggers into the doorway. She looks at the demon, then looks at me.

“Jimin did this?”

I nod and she mirrors the action in affirmation, reaching up to wipe her nose with her sleeve.

“Okay, let’s get you away from that first, then we can see what’s wrong. Can you walk?”

✩✩✩♔✩✩✩

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Much love ~🐰 xx

[snarktheater]

Shadowhunters — Episode 2x19

Today on Shadowhunters: much angst, much death, much feels. Also Simon's not completely off in his own world for once! The show even manages to do its own thing and also hit a major plot point from the book without feeling like two different stories clashing horribly!

So…yeah, it's gonna be one of those posts. You know, those where I have less to complain about. They have to happen, you guys. I've always been open that I thought the show was overall better than the books. Not without flaws, but, you know. I'll appreciate what I've got.

Last time, Jonathan unmasked himself and failed to retrieve the Mirror. It's not the real Mirror, but he doesn't know that…yet. So instead he angsts on a rooftop. As you do.

Valentine, being the exemplary dad that we all know him to be, doesn't bother to hide his disappointment.

"You know, in all honesty, I would have figured Jace to be the only Shadowhunter capable of giving you a run for your money."

Hey, dude, maybe you should stop underestimating Clary, your daughter and the girl who keeps foiling your plans? Like, she literally has Jace's pure angel blood and she's your daughter. Shouldn't that put her above the boys? I don't even know if this is sexism on the character's part or the show's part. If the former, then it's certainly not framed as such, which is itself a problem.

Valentine also blames Sebastian for letting the Shadowhunters know where he lived, which…I don't really get. Even if he hadn't used Isabelle as his way in, could he really have infiltrated the Institute without them even checking on where he lived? You'd think they would do that much of a background check, at least.

Anyway, it means they have to leave the place, so when Clary, Jace and Isabelle come to investigate, they're already gone. Instead, they find the real Sebastian's corpse, give him the Shadowhunter salute ("Ave atque Vale - Hail and Farewell", which is also the episode's title)…and he turns into another possessing demon.

"Same kind that murdered my mom."

I mean…okay? Great? Does it make this scene more meaningful? No, not really, the kill the demon in literal seconds. Sebastian's corpse could have been just a corpse and we would have lost basically nothing. But hey, at least the girls get to be angry.

"We're gonna make them pay for what they did to you." "We're gonna make them pay for everything."

Great! Thanks! That was totally not a waste of my time!

So Valentine and Jonathan are on the loose. The gang reports this to Imogen first, including the fact that they have the Sword, and must still have the Cup if Valentine could control that demon and make it possess Sebastian's body. They also tell her that Valentine will probably stay in New York since he thinks they have the Mirror, and explain that the real Mirror is Lake Lyn.

And then…they do something extremely stupid. Jace requests that Gard soldiers be deployed at Lake Lyn. Because that's not going to set off any alarms whatsoever, right? If you're going to protect the Lake, shouldn't you at least do it covertly? No, instead Imogen literally says she'll ask the Consul about it and make it official. You can guess where this is going.

But meanwhile, we have some other drama to deal with. See, Alec wants to summon the Downworld council (and yeah, now it's a council and not a cabinet, I feel like a memo was lost somewhere in the writers' room), but it turns out the Seelie Queen, with Magnus's help, made her own plans. She comes to the meeting in person instead of sending Meliorn, and also, before the meeting, she has Magnus convince Luke and Raphael to literally pledge allegiance to her.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I get that the Seelie Queen's offer is appealing, since she claims the Angel Raziel's power literally can't touch Downworlders if they come to the Seelie Court, and so that's what she offers in exchange for their allegiance. But we see Magnus talk to Luke and Raphael, and Luke in particular seems unhappy about it, since the Queen's made it clear she wanted to stop following the Accords…but then we cut to the council and they've all accepted the Queen's deal and she's now the sole voice for the entire Downworld?

It's like a scene where Magnus actually convinces Luke was cut from the episode. It's not the worst thing, he does explain to Clary he just put his pack's safety first, but…well, as I pointed out before, war isn't good for safety, you idiots. Valentine is one genocidal dude, sure, but the Clave is a literal institution. In the long run, the latter is far more dangerous than the former.

The Queen, you won't be surprised to hear, refuses Alec's offer to work side by side to capture Valentine, even when he agrees to have him executed as soon as he's caught. So the Downworlders go off to find Valentine on their own.

I should pause the review now to mention that, just because I said this episode was on the less flawed end of the spectrum, doesn't mean everyone in it doesn't act like a complete idiot. Aside from Luke being okay with war now for no reason (and Raphael too, but he barely gets a say in any of this except to say he's sad they're headed towards war because it's totally ruining his and Isabelle's chances to get back together), we have Magnus being a general douchebag to everyone else, including leaving Raphael at the Institute so the Queen can make a dramatic exit…even though it's the middle of the day and Raphael needed him to be able to leave the Institute at all.

"He's got bigger things on his mind right now. He's been through a lot lately. We all have."

But does he though? Does he really? Well, I guess being an instrumental player in starting a war between the Clave and the Downworld all because he got his heart broken does sort of count. But I'm not sure that's an excuse.

This is the point where Simon comes in, and as I mentioned, he's not off in his own useless subplot for once. I mean, he does get an awkward moment where he and Maia arguing over whether or not they're officially dating (guess which of them is the asshole who wants to insist that they're not), but then Clary barges in and cockblocks their flirting to ask him a favor.

See, at the meeting at the Institute, the Seelie Queen asked after Simon, and Clary decide that means she totally values his opinion or some shit. I'm not convinced, but Simon's not really doing anything anyway, so he might as well try to go talk to her and prevent war, right?

"If the Clave goes to war with the Downworld, everything that we know and love will be destroyed. And you, Simon Lewis, are the one person on the planet that even has a chance of getting the Seelie Queen to change her mind and worked with us."

Yeah, that seems reasonable enough. Spoiler alert, it completely fails. Well, the Queen does show up in adult form this time around, because…the show wanted to have Sarah Hyland on the cast.

"Different outfits for different occasions. You're wary of me, aren't you? Is it because of the little game I played with you and your friends in my court?"

Or is it because you already asked him to go to war against Shadowhunters? Gee, I wonder which it could be. Actually no, I know Simon, of course it was because of the love triangle bullshit.

But hey, Simon's not completely beyond redemption, and catches on to the Queen's game.

"You don't want things to end well, do you? You want war."

Yup.

She makes her offer to him again—to join her, which is implied to be in a sexual way, but the way, in exchange for his wildest dreams coming true—and Simon rejects her. Which she doesn't take kindly to.

"You've refused me twice now. No one in my very long life has ever dared do such a thing." "Well, considering you're kinda getting vampires, werewolves and warlocks to play nice…you might wanna get used to some rejection."

And he leaves, and that's the end of Simon's part in this episode. Just because I said he wasn't off in his own world doesn't mean he was useful. Don't ask for too much, you guys.

Meanwhile at Magnus's apartment, a bunch of warlocks have gathered, including Madzie, that little girl warlock from earlier this season. I have no idea why she's here other than "hey, look, a familiar face!" but she's also an excuse for the show to finally introduce Catarina Loss. Who isn't blue in this continuity, but she's still pretty fabulous.

"The common ground between the Downworld and Alicante is…shifting." "Then it's a good thing I wear comfortable shoes."

No, really, I like her. This is all we see of her, but I like her.

The warlocks, by the way, created a ward around New York City so that no Nephilim could leave or enter the city—or more specifically, anyone who would try would die. This is at the Seelie Queen's command, and by the way, they don't even warn the New York Institute about this—Luke has to tell them, much later in the episode, and only because he was trying to coordinate the hunt for Valentine in secret. So, yeah, Magnus was apparently completely okay potentially killing any Shadowhunter, not just in New York (which includes several people he cares about beyond Alec), but also anywhere else in the world who might try to come. You see what I mean about his character in this episode? There's only so much you can excuse with heartbreak, and this is at least fifty times too much. Because these things are totally quantifiable. I'm a scientist, trust me.

Anyway. Valentine actually had some Circle members capture a warlock, but he hits that ward when he tries to create a Portal for them to Idris. Because yeah, guess what? Valentine heard that they were moving forces to Lake Lyn and deduced what that means, because he's not an idiot.

Before Valentine can find a way around this ward, the werewolf pack catches them. Valentine, being the totally fearless badass that he claims to be…runs away with his son and leaves his Circle cronies to deal with the werewolves while they escape. But hey, hypocrisy is nothing new for this guy.

They then head to a cemetery to grab one of the cache of weapons that Shadowhunters have on all holy grounds worldwide. Jonathan even comments here that it's enough to exterminate the Downworld many times over, which…yeah, is pretty on point, actually. How many weapons do you need exactly?

Meanwhile, Clary has a Convenient Vision™ of a rune that will help them track Jonathan using her connection to him (by virtue of being related) and her and Jace's connection (by virtue of angel blood). I'm not even going to question it, because, magic, but let's be honest, it's 100% a reason for Jace to get shirtless and for them to go all…perfume commercial on us or something.

The scene just ends awkwardly, by the way. I don't even know why. They're both single, not siblings (anymore)…and I don't think Clary's still hung up over her breakup, so…why even bother?

Anyway. The rune works, they locate Jonathan…and then wait until sundown to get there, giving Jonathan and Valentine plenty of time to be alerted to it (because the process also creates a rune on Jonathan's arm, which seems like a big flaw in the process), grab a funeral party, and convert them all to Forsaken. Is this the first time we see Forsaken in the show? I think it might be. They're basically just "zombies, but under Valentine's control", so I'll be honest, I didn't particularly miss them.

Oh, also, Valentine leaves Jonathan, saying he knows how he can leave New York, but it's too dangerous for Jonathan to come with him. Jonathan is skeptical, but he does let him go after all.

So our four main characters show up at the graveyard, as I said, and immediately split up, with Clary and Jace both insisting to be on different teams. Isabelle asks Clary wha'ts going on and Clary deflects the question, while Jace and Alec get…this:

"I figured you'd talk when you're ready." "I knew there was a reason you were my parabatai."

I don't know if this is technically a positive exchange or not? Like, they acknowledge that it'd be healthy for Jace to talk about his feelings, just…not mid-combat, which is fine. But at the same time…they don't talk about Jace's feelings (not now, nor later), which is less fine. You make up your mind.

After this absolutely hilarious moment, the Forsaken show up, and we get a whole bunch of fighting. I'll just skim over the important details: Alec and Jace get separated, Jace gets caught from behind by Jonathan and is dragged away in literal chains (that Jonathan just…happened to have?), Clary and Isabelle kick ass, Alec finds them and tells them what happened, and Clary sends Isabelle after Jonathan, since her electrum whip can hurt him, while she and Alec stay behind to hold back the rest of the Forsaken.

There, that wasn't so bad, wasn't it? And so, yes, as you might remember all the way from City of Glass, we are—admittedly under somewhat different circumstances—back to pretty much the same scene as in the books.

Jace goads Jonathan into removing the chain and fighting one on one, and Sebastian takes the bait even though he's aware it's a bait, because he's that confident of his own superiority. And he's not entirely wrong, since he does manage to stab Jace and have him at his mercy…but then he starts monologuing long enough for Isabelle to show up and disarm him.

She manages to outshine her book counterpart, for a very simple reason: she just has a more personal stake. Yes, in both versions Jonathan attacked Max (and killed him in the book), but this version literally used Isabelle herself at her lowest point, and she is furious about it. So…while I'm still not sure the addiction subplot was a good idea in the first place, at least it was used to make this moment that much more triumphant for Isabelle, since she holds her own against him long enough for Jace to stab Jonathan in the back, going through the spine and heart (they literally have a moment where they explain that, I guess to establish how fatal the wound is?), and toss him off the bridge they were fighting on. Because leaving corpses to float away in a river never backfires.

"Hail and farewell."

Yeah, I don't think so, Isabelle.

Well, okay, Jonathan's dead for now. I mean, I saw the season 3 trailer, I know that Lilith will spend at least some time trying to bring him back. I guess that's good enough to wrap up the episode.

By which I mean, three things happen after this in the episode. One, Clary and Jace at the infirmary, with Jace shirtless yet again (of course), and Clary realizing he could have died.

"My mom, and Dot…I can't lose you too. […] I'm tired of being afraid."

Cue kissing, which basically rendered the earlier awkwardness utterly pointless. I mean, come on, there was less than fifteen minutes of screen time between those two scenes, and literally not a moment of that time was spent on their relationship. You're just wasting my time. But hey, at least now they're back together and we might…like, move on or something.

Then there's Maia, who's gone missing. And by missing, I mean we immediately find out she was kidnapped by the Seelie Queen. Because she's subtle like that.

And speaking of the Seelie Queen, she's too busy to talk to Maia. And by "busy" I mean Valentine's escape route out of New York was actually through the Seelie Court. Considering the Queen was organizing the most successful part of the man hunt, you'd think she wouldn't give him access to it?

"What could you have that I could possibly want?"

Well I hope you didn't actually want to know, because Valentine whispers it into her hear so we're not privy to it, before they walk off together, having struck a deal, I guess. And hey, at least the show took my advice on not giving the audience all the information. Now we're just one step ahead of the characters instead of five. It's something.

And that's the end of the episode. As I mentioned, its biggest sin is making the characters act like various shades of idiots, from the harmless awkwardness between Clary and Jace to the actually morally bankrupt Magnus. On the flipside, the Seelie Court's involvement being made explicit is a good setup for, you know, the City of Heavenly Fire plot (and The Dark Artifices, should they decide to go that far with the show), so that's an improvement.

So this episode is more of a mixed bag than usual, which is itself as positive a note as I can give Shadowhunters most of the time.

Next time is the season finale, so I'd better get some angel summoning going. And after that…well, as I mentioned I've seen trailers for season 3, so while I haven't been spoiled the episodes that are already out, I know roughly where we're headed. But that's a story for another time.

[orbularborbular]

My Thoughts on The Last Jedi

Spoilers below the cut! Do not read this review if you have not seen The Last Jedi! You have been warned!

[And please, kindly remember that I'm just another idiot on the internet with an opinion. I'm not trying to change anyone's mind with this review…I'm just sharing my reaction, because none of my friends are online while I’m writing this and I need to mouth off to somebody.]

Okay, so – analysis time. The way I see it, there are two main narratives in The Last Jedi. I loved one of them, and I hated the other.

Narrative #1 deals with The Force™ . Naturally, it contains the classic Star Wars themes of tragedy, forgiveness, and redemption, but it adds depth and nuance to these ideas in a couple of ways. It explores the importance of human connection, and it underscores the power that each individual possesses to determine their own self identity, and with it, their fate. The writers made the inspired decision to take the struggle between Light and Dark and externalize it – make it into an actual, literal conversation between two people: Rey and Kylo Ren, with Luke acting as the tormented mediator. Mark Hamill just knocked it out of the fucking park with his performance too – what an amazing conclusion to Luke's story.

Narrative #1 acknowledges the flaws of Jedi doctrine and provides a simple, brilliant explanation for one the biggest questions left over from The Force Awakens: why did Ben Solo turn to the Dark side? The revelation that Luke drew his lightsaber on Ben in a moment of weakness, only to recoil in horror at his own impulse, casts Kylo Ren in an entirely different light. Ben truly believed that Luke meant to kill him – and what troubled teenage boy wouldn't develop emotional issues if he thought his uncle were trying to murder him in the dead of night, especially when he was already under the influence of an evil CGI freak? (On another note, can someone explain to me why Snoke was wearing like, a gold bathrobe? What the hell kind of aesthetic is that?) Luke's culpability, however minor, heightens the tension in the conversation between Rey and Kylo Ren, because it makes him a more sympathetic villain. Suddenly, his rage and hatred make sense. Luke's shame and self-imposed exile make sense. Everything makes sense. The relationship that emerges between the three characters is believable and emotionally satisfying, even if Kylo Ren does make the decision to be a punk bitch in the end. But man, that fight scene where he and Rey are fighting as a team? Top fucking notch.

Narrative #1 works because it establishes cause-and-effect, and because it gives each character a complete arc. Past trauma motivates all three of the central figures: Kylo Ren, Luke, and Rey each have to contend with their own personal demons and choose whether to rise above them, or succumb to them. Their parallel struggles give the movie a sense of cohesion and suspense. Their decisions matter, and those decisions aren't necessarily foregone conclusions, because all three characters have the power to influence one another. Luke chooses to accept his past mistakes and to reconnect with his old comrades; in doing so, he is finally able to achieve the absolution and peace that have eluded him for so long. Rey refuses to give in to her feelings of loneliness and abandonment; instead, she uses the empathy derived from those painful experiences to try and reach out to Ben Solo. Kylo Ren rejects Rey's attempt to connect with him because he is either unwilling or unable to deal with his own trauma. He stubbornly pulls away, and ends up more miserable and broken than ever.

I simply cannot gush enough about how much I loved this whole storyline. Writers take note: this is how you create compelling character drama. The stakes were personal and emotional, but they also had larger ramifications. The imagery and cinematography perfectly complemented what was going on in the narrative, too. Like that scene where Rey saw herself cascaded out, row upon row upon row? Holy crap was that an insightful visual metaphor for the concept of self-identity. And can we talk about the red salt on the snow during the final showdown? How it smeared when stepped in, like blood? That shit was amazing. Luke's confrontation with his nephew was the perfect conclusion to their relationship, and the best possible send-off for Luke. He went out on his own terms, as the ultimate Jedi master: cunning, heroic, and self-controlled, able to own up to his mistakes without being destroyed by them.

Now, on to the part of the film I hated. :(

Narrative #2 is The Little Guys vs. Big Evil™. The themes of this narrative are courage in the face of impossible odds, and the wisdom to know when to make sacrifices. Unfortunately, there are two major problems with this half of the plot that weaken the impact of these themes. The first problem is that there is ZERO world-building in these new movies. None. Zilch. In the original trilogy, the lack of backstory was not a problem because we were thrown directly into a reality where an oppressive autocratic regime was already in power. The audience could accept that these fuckers were genocidal and that a ragtag group of rebels was fighting them, because Episode IV was a blank slate. The conflict was straightforward enough that we could just run with it once it was introduced. But the new trilogy is NOT A BLANK SLATE. The film needed to explain how we got from the events of Return of the Jedi (where the Rebels had just won a major victory, the Empire was reduced to a shadow of its former self, and the threat of pan-galactic annihilation was no more), to “oh yeah, everything is a shitshow again”. What the hell happened during the intervening 30 years? How did the New Republic fail so catastrophically that the First Order was able become such a threat? How did the Imperial Remnant get its hands on that much firepower and manpower without like…anyone noticing, or stepping in during the nascent stages? Where the fuck did this Snoke guy come from, and why is his name so stupid? The movie fails to explain the chain of events that led to this new status quo. It doesn't even hint at it. We get no new information about the conflict at all; instead, we spend over an hour stalling while Finn and Rose do their thing.

Speaking of which... The second big issue with Narrative #2 is that it does not utilize its protagonists correctly. Poe gets some development, but Leia, Finn, and Rose Tico do not get character arcs. They do not change in any meaningful way as a result of what they go through. Leia in particular is static throughout the film. Sure, she spouts a lot of platitudes about hope, but we never get any real insight into what's going on in her head. Is she frustrated that she has to fight the exact same war she already fought in her youth? Does she feel guilty for failing to foresee and prevent the rise of the First Order? How has she been damaged by her personal losses, most notably the murder of her husband at the hands of her own son? The script just gives her nothing to work with. No pathos, no pain. She spends half of the movie in a coma, and the only time she gets to use her Force powers is when she's like...magically levitating through the vacuum of space (I call bullshit on that, by the way). Her only real moment of depth is her reunion with Luke. I think maybe the writers intended to put her character arc in the third movie, but uh...that's not gonna happen now, since Carrie Fisher drowned in moonlight, strangled by her own bra.

Finn, meanwhile, spends the entire movie on a wild goose chase. Sure, the casino planet was cool, but you could cut out that entire subplot and its absence would have no effect on the rest of the movie. The writing here frustrates me SO much because the character problem is SO EASY TO FIX. Here's how you make it work: from the get-go, the movie sets up an ideological conflict between Poe and Leia. Poe wants to blow shit up, while Leia favors a more cautious, big-picture approach. However, instead of following through on this conflict and forcing them to hash it out, the film fridges Leia and sets up purple-haired Laura Dern as Poe's foil. This decision baffles me. Leia is Poe's hero; he admires and respects her. Imagine how much more compelling it would've been if he had to make the gut-wrenching decision to pursue his own approach behind her back instead. Leia vs. Poe is a conflict with higher stakes. We care about both of these characters, and we can see both of their perspectives. Pitting the two against each other ideologically (but with no malicious intent), creates the opportunity for both of them to grow and change.

Here's how you fix Finn's subplot. Make his expertise on the First Order matter by allowing him to be the one who realizes how the flagship is tracking the Resistance through hyperspace. Have Finn reveal this information to Poe (it would make sense for him to approach Poe, because of all the people on board, Poe is the closest thing Finn has to a friend). The two of them decide that an infiltration job is in order. Poe calls Maz for guidance, and she recommends a slicer for the job. Because Poe is currently in conflict with Leia and the rest of the leadership, he sends Finn on a mission to retrieve the slicer in secret. Finn is thrown into a completely alien environment, and it proves to be a real learning experience for him. He sees the stark contrast between the ostentatious elite and the impoverished downtrodden, and his innate love and compassion begin to expand beyond just Rey (I still don’t understand how the First Order is responsible for the mistreatment of the children on casino planet, though. Isn’t the real oppressor like...late stage capitalism? lol).

Of course, he parks like an idiot, so he ends up getting thrown in jail before he can make contact with Maz's slicer. It's here that he meets Rose Tico for the first time. In this version, SHE is the chaotic neutral slicer with the longcoat and the air of charismatic unpredictability. Finn, desperate to escape, strikes a bargain with her. Initially, she only agrees to help him for the money, but as the film unfolds, we learn more about Rose. We discover that her sister died fighting the First Order some months or years before, leaving Rose jaded, aimless, and self-centered. Over the course of the third act, however, Rose sees something in Finn or in the Resistance that makes her reconsider her outlook. Perhaps Finn's fight with Phasma plays a role. She ultimately decides to honor her sister's legacy by taking up her mantle, and she joins the fight against the First Order. By condensing Rose Tico and the hobo-slicer dude into a single person, you create a character with a complete arc, and you create a subplot that matters. When Finn's attempt to infiltrate the enemy ship ultimately fails, it doesn't feel like a complete waste of time, because at least the Resistance gains a badass swaggering scoundrel of a slicer. A character that fucking cool should not be wasted.

A couple other quick fixes. You know the scene where purple-haired whatserface uses a hyper-speed jump to slice clean through Snoke's ship? It's one of the most visually arresting and memorable scenes in the film, but on an emotional level it's underwhelming because we literally just met the woman. Why not keep Admiral Ackbar alive a bit longer so he can be the one to make the iconic sacrifice? The audience already cares about him, so when he goes out in a blaze of glory, it packs a much greater emotional punch (plus, can we give an alien character a chance to shine for once? I'm so sick of all the humans). Back to Finn and Rose. For the love of God, please get rid of the awkward romance shoehorned in at the last minute. What you mean you “love” him, woman? You've known the dude for like two days! I mean, criminy. Rose Tico's character arc needs to be about coming to terms with her sister's death. Poe should be the one to save Finn by bashing his ship aside, because Poe is the one who's supposed to be learning when to sacrifice lives, and when to save them.

Anyway. As you may have guessed from this review, my feelings about this movie are super complicated. The humor was great, the visuals were atmospheric and creative, and the majority of the acting was fantastic. Every time Luke, Rey, or Kylo Ren were on screen, I was on the edge of my fucking seat. I was completely invested in their narrative and could not have been more satisfied with its conclusion. I was, however, sorely disappointed with the way the writers handled the conflict between the Resistance and the First Order. It could have been so, so much better. It deserved to be better, in a script this good. And honestly, maybe the reason I was so disappointed is because that's my favorite part of Star Wars: a ragtag bunch of miscreants scraping by on the strength of their camaraderie. The jump cut from Return of the Jedi to "everything is shit again" makes me feel like the initial Rebellion accomplished nothing. Like it was all for naught. I'm sure I could go digging for the full story in the supplemental materials and fill myself in, but like...it should've been in the movie. There's no reason why you can't devote five minutes to a little explanation.

Maaaaan. I get WAY too worked up about these things.