#if i fucking get this right ill lose my mind
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
70% of Tumblr users say the Dashboard is their favorite place to spend time online.
Text
I have been trying to create a steam account for like 15 minutes but they won't let me past the "Are you a robot" test. Does the square count if there's a corner of the bus in it??? Do tires count as motorcycles or not???? I swear to god there was a crosswalk in the back of that photo how did I get it wrong???? Please I am not a robot I swear to god please I'm begging you I just want to download my gay little games please
#this is like middle school math class all over again i am losing my MIND#its still not working#i get it all right and it tells me i failed the test#i am going to rip my hair out help 🙂#i literally give up i guess ill just have to try tomorrow and see if the not-a-robot gods are smiling upon me#enter 'what if i really was a robot and i just didnt know it' loki quote#thats how i fucking feel#got me questioning what a motercycle is please-#personal#random
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
😦
#GUYS#i watched the second to last ep of sentinel and it was alright yeayea#BUT! im running out of the product right? so im panicking im reading the wiki im reading about the producers#im reading old archive links on blogposts about dvd cover art releases. you know the drill#and so i start thinking about getting those dvd sets again right?#so i figure out its visual entertainment incorporated (VEI) who like produced the dvds and stuff#and i go to their website and yeah of course they dont have em anymore the shows a relic!#so i go to wayback machine to see if they happened to have it before#AND. THEY HAD IT#FOR FIFTEEN UNITED STATES DOLLARS#IN FUCKING. TWENTY TWENTY TWO#TWO YEARS AGO#I CPULD HAVE GOTTEN THEM FOR 15 BUCKS??????#inanse. i have nobody to talk about this to#and like sure probably they dont even deliver to finland and i guess they couldve been sold out even back then#(probably not tho since why wouldnt the wayback machine show that?? also that 15$ was an on-sale-price already)#but i cant believe it.... two years ago... i couldve just gone and bought it.....#my post#hey guys im losing my mind a bit#also did you know apparently the dvds dont have a ton of extra material (although apparently the full set was released in 2015?#so maybe that release had more) but theres three episdoe commentaries by the producers?#i dont think ill listen to them but who knows how desperate i get!#now i just gotta gather courage to watch the finale#and then i can start the show again#ouaaaaaaghhhhhh aaaoooooouuuooaaaaaaa
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
white knuckling the sink and chanting do not go crazy at work.
#stupid text posts#todays a weird brain day the chemicals are all misaligned#and its making me a little bit insane#everything feels understimulating and torturous and if i dont get outta work or find something entertaining right fucking now#ill lose my mind
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Siri how do i stop the cycle without doing these bitchass tiny steps
#lamenting because i was so close to being normal and then i fucking lost it and gained nearly 100 lbs#and i cant get back to where i was i just ...... aaaaaaaaaaaaa#im so much more mentally fucked now so its harder#but thats all excuses right?#and then theres me being like am i even saying that bc i know its what people want to hear#or do i actually believe it? and is there even a difference if i know its true but i dont believe it?#does it even fucking matter just stop shoveling garbage in your mouth ffs#is the real answer here but I AM STRUGGLING#im looking into wls but i know if i dont get my emotional and bored eating under control that shit WILL NOT BE GOOD FOR ME#hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng#im just mad bc i have to fucking grocery shop#which always leads me to being pissed about this fuckass cycle#bitch call me mauville town the way i have cycles#god i can recognize the cycle which all tthe therapists will be like good on you!! :D and im like great. how do i break it#and then theyll say ten thousand small steps BITCH IM DYING I NEED DRASTIC CHANGE#BUT THEN IT WONT STICK AND ILL REVERT BACK TO WHERE I AM#but i did it drastically the first time and it wouldve stuck if i hadnt fucking lost it and ended up in the ward#im not a small steps kind of guy i need to wake up and fix shit and stick to it#but listen to me i am dean maniacally speaking to sam.gif#i buy all these stupid ass healthy foods and i have all these good ideas and reciepes and im legit pumped#and then i fuck it up and order food thats awful for me and then i give the hell up#which is an easy problem to fix. i know.#i can simply just....... not do that#but i swear i am struggling which pisses me off so bad#like you wouldnt struggle if youd quit being a stupidass and just did the damn thing#god i am not gonna do well on my psych evaulation#im gonna end up turning it into therapy and im gonna rage and the lady is gonna be like :D................. you need ten more visits#and youre getting denied at the end of them so get fucked#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#charlie am i losing my GODDAMN MIND? IF ITS GONE WHERE WILL I FIND.. IT?
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
dont mind me i'm just listening to "kansas city" by the new basement tapes (*cough* marcus mumford with unreleased lyrics written by bob dylan *cough*) and crying about ted lasso
youtube
And I love you dear, but just how long Can I keep singing the same old song? And I love you dear, but just how long Can I keep singing the same old song? I'm going back to Kansas City
#NO BUT LIKE#I REALLY DO NEED ALL TED LASSO FANS TO GET ON THIS WITH ME#jason sudekis is GOOD friends with marcus mumford#like#i was gonna write a whole tinfoil hat theory post about how ted lasso is just expanded mumford and sons fanfiction#but anyways#this song specifically#FUCK#im right in my FEELS#if ted goes back to kansas ill lose my mind#ted lasso#ted lasso s3#this isnt really a spoiler???#just in case#ted lasso spoilers#tedtrent#no i will not elaborate on that tag#tedependent#Youtube
27 notes
·
View notes
Text
after a billion yrs i added a lil line about my gbf verse.....<3 one day i might flesh it out to something in-universe, but since gbf is so "oh ure from another world? ya that happens..." i....am gonna keep w that..........(also cuz i do think discussing the different ways of magic, moon-enemy & this n that is more fun like this
#stardust speaking !#i do wanna write but im unsure when ill do so#anyway i need to talk abut that one 1.5 moment with that weird car horn sfx after murrs fancy speech cuz i#was thinking about it again due to one of the descriptions in the alterego event#i still didnt check the website btw is it available info why snows adult and whites a kid or is that a waiting game cuz#that.....#sometimes when i think abuot paradoxroid i think about them. that one was fkd up#snow&white r so fascinating to me#snow & white & figaro & oz are even more fascinating#oz who only started learning abut the world because arthur asked things about the world.................#oz who made arthur pancakes.................................#they make me ill. figaro feels like he should be the most welladapted cuz in some ways he IS. guy who lies about his power and age and love#humans and that one offhand line in 2nd anni about how he has cared for kids!??!? dude i need to reread 2nd anni did that ever get brought#up again#but figaro & love is................guy who leaves when he thinks he isnt loved anymore#<-guy who was taught by snow&white who valued e/o the most#2nd anni makes me lose my mind. figaro and fausts convo. both who felt like it was the other who left LIKE FIGAROS SURPRISE WAS UNREEEAAALL#somethings deeply wrong with him i am so intrigued#i need to go reread his pt2 parts like what the actual hell dude#the mental gymnastics he does in one part is ? id like to study u and the twins under a microscope#this is all shallowly/casually speaking about it btw theres a lot of things left&right about all of these topics that makes them very yummy#i think what gets me the most about pt2 is that a lot of it is things that we alrdy knew regarding characters feelings etc. such as figaro#but seeing them say it themself makes me faint#OH MY GOOODDDDDD THE FLASHBACK CONVO WITH OZ AND FIGARO? ABOUT WOULD U SAVE THE PERSON U LOVE OR THE WORLD#AND HOW FIGARO ENDS UP FALTERING DEAR LOOOOORRRDDDDDDDDDDDDD#fucked up family (affectionate)#i need to think of modern aus again i thought about arthur calling snow & white granpa for one second and everything hrut#ok im sorry i dont know what possessed me. i promise ill be rereading stuff soon#one more thing. fausts part in pt2. god. but in this cursed world the sage trusted me...
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
you fuckers are lucky i cant draw as well as id like actually bc otherwise id be posting the weirdest fucking bellumbeck art known to man
#i think the ph fandom as a whole needs to get weirder abt linebeck and bellum. i sure am doing my part (doing my part entirely in my head)#'weirdest' idk if thats the right word but i should be finishing an essay so all of my vocab skillsa re being funneled into that rn#salty talks#sorry ive been losing my mind abt linebeck and bellum these past few days its fun#brother the ph art id do if art was my thing instead of writing. i have ideas but my hands are made for writing#so ill jsut write weird shit. but i cant get to the bellumbeck fic until i set the groundwork that is the fucking oshus-linebeck therapy fi#dw abt it my ph oneshots are half slice of life sea adventures with a hint of oh. huh. and half psychological linebeck escapades
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#hmm its been an interesting week i suppose#very busy in a good way. but that is always how it starts. i make myself so busy and it feels good and then i wobble and fall out of my body#so im feeling wary. also bc ive been under sleeping more than ususal but im not really tired but im also not boiling out of my skin with#energy. i just feel ok. so thats good. but also a demon in the back of my head is always like: then stay up all night. lets see how far we#can push this. which is not good. and in fact ive been proscribed like basically emergency mood stablizers to knock me out if i start like#losing my mind and not sleeping lol. bc i dont wanna b getting ready for something big and like completely unavailable to control my#ability to think. and ive also been proscribed birth control to get a handke on my fucked up hormones. so we'll see if that makes things#less all over the place. hopefully it works bc im so busy i kinda dont have time to like freak thr fuck out#but i am a lil apprehensive bc like i can count on my hormones to make me feel things when a lot of the time i dont have much emotional#range. so its like fuck finally i can cry abt this. or like fuck this is so beautiful. but then i also cant function sometimes#so i guess i just gotta see what happens. sigh. also the typical frustrating in having to read so much. like ppl hear im dyslexic and r like#oh do u want accommodation? like literally wtf r u gonna do to help me as a grad student? it just takes an agonizing amount of time to#understand thing. i have my computer read to me and i suffer. theres literally nothing else to b done abt it. and fucking next week i have#to teach a fucking lab abt reading scientific papers. they have to read a paper in class. fuck off. those r the types of exercises that make#me feel so fucking stupid. like do this thing right now. read it right here and answer questions abt it. and i fucking read it and retain#fucking nothing. im fucking 26 and literally in my grant writing class i have to apologize to every person before i give them feedback like#lol sorry i can barely fucking read. i fucking cant understand language. its fine but it sucks. theres nothing to do abt it. it just makes#me mad i have to teach a class that would have made me cry as an undergrad. so ill prob hold their hands thru it more than the other TAs#will. bc fuck u im not making them read a whole fucking paper in class. fuck u#plus the frustration of not being able to express myself well in thr moments. like theres a delay in my brain so i feel so dumb when im#trying to convey myself off the top of my head. like give me time and ill write it all out for u i just cant actually process wtf ur saying#to me. also i probably spaced out for a sec so i missed part of the convo lol. frustrating but at this point its just how it is. it makes me#more empathetic when i have to teach i guess. like listen ive got all kinds of fucking learning probs i just wanna help u learn something#how can i help? fucking dyslexia. god. i dont wanna prep for class this weekend. ive gotta show up like yea i kno reading papers is hard at#first but it gets easier! fuck u. its worth the suffering if i enjoy to topic but its always suffering. but thats what i get for going into#academia. thr dr who proscribed me stuff was like well sounds like u have a stress trigger and ur a phd student where life is stress... u#gotta figure out whats gonna work for u. sometimes thats a career change. not in like a pushy way just like: if what u do makes u suffer#then wtf r u doing? and hes got a point. but in contrast to what i was doing this is a massive improvement#well see if its manageable. ugh. i just wanna draw#unrelated
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
waiting for the day i can consume cis gay media and not get insanely jealous, dysphoric, or both
#im losing my fuckin mind#its why i cant rewatch yr#i get so incredibly dysphoric and jealous and upset that i crash and it destroys me#the only way ive been coping with dysphoria is ignoring it. im not gonna be trans forever. one day ill wake up cis.#and i know that's insane and impossible but its also 3 am and its something that's keeping me going in a weird kinda way#its so fucking destroying seeing cis gay men proudly in love as a closeted guy#like it does something to my soul it fuckin ruins my seeing what i could have if i was just. born right.#god im tired of all of it#im sick and fuckin tired of it#im tired of feeling like this#im tired of being trans i want it to be over and done with#alright that's enough im so exhausted#vent
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Not to vent on main but I'm so sick of seeing moodboards or aethetic posts or those aesthetic candid photos because every time a person is in them they're always thin like I'm not gonna pretend I'm more than mid sized but Jesus christ it would be lovely to see somebody who even kind of looks like me be appreciated in more than a "uwu soft tummies" way. I'm sick of the weight loss ads I'm sick of only seeing thin people be appreciated aesthetically especially in trans spaces. Like fucking sorry im short and fat and it is infuriating when people claim to be all about loving every body type but if you're even a little fat you're reduced to being cute at best and infantalized at worst. Fashion posts that make the rounds never have fat people I'm sick of fat being an insult and an ugly word it's actually fucking miserable to exist in a body like that because it feels like nobody takes you seriously
#im so sick of feeling guilty about eating anything or more than twice a day because im so hyper aware of how im overweight#every time i start to get out of that rut something comes along and pushes me right back in like sorry im fucking woman shaped and not thin#well whatever. ive been miserable latelt and this is just one of the things eating at me if i see#one more ad for some diet pill that makes you drop weight or some shake that makes someone that looks like me the cringe before picture#i dont know. ill lose my mind even more i guess. like i hear enough from my family and shit i like to go online to try and get away from#that but its everywhere everywhere considers someone like me ugly and something that needs to be sold a solution#whatever#hal hour
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#i have a severe mental illness called wishing it was 2011 again#and i was a fan of 1d#like i need to back in time and relive all of it correctly and maybe then it would have ended differently and we wouldn't be here now#this all has to be wrong#this has to be an alternate timeline that got fucked up#i'm supposed to be 13 years old in 2011 listening to this same fucking ed sheeran song happening to switch onto the x factor#or logging onto this fucking website#and finding harry and louis and liam and zayn and niall when they were babies and i was a baby#and growing up together#and they should all be here now still together and performing every now and then together with their solo stuff#idk i haven't heard any songs off + in a while and it's doing my head in#reality feels distorted#i don't want to believe this is real i can't#this has to be a nasty dream maybe i'll wake up in my bedroom on the matress on the floor just after we painted it when i was 12 turnign 13#and i'll get to do it right this time#i miss 1d so badly i'm losing my fucking mind#liam i wish you could come back
0 notes
Text
im going to rant
#i truly feel so alone right now and like nobody cares about me#i moved to an entirely new state and live alone and i dont know anyone#discord used to be full of friends but now everytime i tried talking in any of my servers im basically completely ignored#maybe ill get lucky and get a non verbal reaction in lieu of a response#and then i just tried telling someone hey you shouldnt use slurs because they are bad and offensive#and somehow everyone got mad at ME for not properly explaining why slurs are bad????#and then i kept asking for help someone plesse help me here if im doing bad why wont someone else explain#and then they say its just ‘your fault its all your fault you need to communicate better you started this you keep bringing it up’#but i said multiple times i was done and yet i kept getting pulled back in?$?#i tried talking in another server about it and then just got bitched at and blamed or ignored by people who i was convinced were my friends#but they werent treating me like a friend i felt like a criminal on trial#and i started crying and told them i was crying and then theyre like ‘its not that deep get over it’#and im like it IS that deep to me?? i feel like im going crazy?!#and ive been telling them this entire time how badly in strugglingand how alone i feel and then the election happened#and im like losing my fucking mind over here and NO ORN CARES#NO ONE FUCKING CARES#no one fucking cares about me#thats all this boils down to is not mattering#i dont know#i dont feel like i matter#im tired of being ignored and made to feel like its all my fault#is it my fault????#do i deserve this#do i need to stop talking??? nobod wants to talk to me#i feel like im going insane#i feel crazy#i feel alone and betrayed and abandoned and no one fucking asked if i was okay they just all…#nobody cares#nobody fucking cares#im one bad thing away from killing myself im so serious
1 note
·
View note
Text
whining hours . sry
#like idk i try to like. imagine a future where i have like. friends. you know. Bare mimimum i have People i talk to. who arent lamp. and i#just cant imagine it happening again#like. i genuinely feel like i cant connect to ppl anymore and idk how id like. i dont see a way for me to do that ever again since i cant g#to school and like. sny job im able to get wouldnt be the kind where i like. meet people or make friends. and last year when i eent out wit#the express purpose of Making friends i literally couldnt. speak to anyone. like i just sat alone with my headphones on until it was time t#go home ... i dont know how to like. initiate casual conversation#+ like. i worry i get way too invested in any potential friendships bc i want so badly to be Normal and have friends and then i freak out#rly badly over something trivial. and thats entirely my fault like I need to work on not letting my freakouts effect the person im freaking#out abt. yk. like its my stupid brain that just gets rly rly overly defensive and weird abt everything its not like. I need to work on that#and thats another reason i dont knowif ill ever be able to make friends again is bc i genuinely dont trust myself not to get overly attache#way too quickly and then explode or something. idk#i also think maybe im just not meant to have actual lasting relationships with anybody ever. yk. like maybe im not meant to ever have roots#and maybe i just wont ever get to have stability and my life will always be entirely transient. Perhaps thats for the best so that i dont#have t like. lose ppl. and ppl dont have to deal with me#+ if i make bad decisions there r less ppl to care abt it. you know. which is a plus. idk#theres like. some parts of me r like desperate for friends and for love and to just . feel like i exist and Talk to people and like. have#stability. and then the rest r like No this is good bc we cant hurt as many ppl like this and also we dont deserve any of that so this is#for the best. and i just have to sit here like ok ! bc if i seek out friendships that part shuts it all down and if i dont the other part#makes me feel miserable and lonely. like damn i am destined for misery. but whatever. it doesnt rly matter DHRNFJFN im just being whiny#it just feels like i need like. ok this is my abdicating responsibility and is the reason i dont have friends disclaimer. i know that. very#aware. but i like. i need somebody to be the one to reach out to Me bc i like. i cant reach out to ppl like. i cant Try to initiate#conversations . but i think if there was a person who like. initiated conversations w me and started a friendship with me i like. i think#itd help me get used to Having a friend again and then id like. id be better at maintaining it and eventually id be able to pick up th#weight. but Obviously nobody wants to like. put in all that effort for somebody whos incapable of returning the favor possibly ever. yk#i need to just bite the bullet and humiliate myself and reach out even if its embarassing and even if it makes me have to throw up#<- happened one time when i tried to talk to someone new. which is so. oh my god. there r ppl who have avtual fucking issues and then im#just like boohoo i tried to think abt a conversation starter and got so anxious i fucking threw up. GOD. i hateit i hate it i hate it. but#wtvr. ik i cant actually expect that from anybody basically like. ik its a stupid wish. idk. i just wish i had somebody who could help me#like. remember how to mask and how to socialize Like a real person. and wouldnt mind that im like. weird right now. and would be willing to#talk to me until i got normal and stuff. wtvr. idk ... 10000 lashings
1 note
·
View note
Text
oooooh i am deeply unhappy actually
#hate my job#hate my apartment#hate the town im in#really really hate my job#trying to get a new apartment seems so unobtainable#there’s so many fees and credit checks and my renewal is in a month and i can’t find a new one so i guess im extending for another year#stuck in this hellhole#I can try to get a shorter lease but it’s like $150 more per month and if I still can’t find anything within that time im doubly fucked#genuinely just want to fade away into dust im sick of living like this#i feel sick and stupid 90% of the time#i finally got to take a vacation away from here and couldn’t even enjoy it because i got sick#and things were not planned well#and my partner bailed on all the events I wanted to do w them#and i get back to the apartment a mess and just feel so defeated#and i get back to work and we still have fucking mice everywhere#and no one’s done planos or price changes or ANYTHING i usually do#so im trying to catch up on two weeks worth of stuff. while also trying to prepare for truck tomorrow because no one sent the battery#pallet out so now we have two of them. and a taller than me pallet of core returns all unwrapped#and im having to come in every Sunday when I was promised those off#which is the only day we are able to do a dnd/group chat hangout and i always end up being the reason it gets delayed and i just Know ppl#be frustrated with me#im just tired and sick of this life#i don’t even know how you’re supposed to do jobs for so long without driving off a bridge#im still not even hitting the 40 hours i was promised and yet im losing my mind genuinely#i am stupid all the time. i forget basic things. I have to have people retell me things twice before they click#I wasn’t always like this. like something is WRONG and my doctor (who is quitting) is like#we’ll have you practiced mindfulness and meditation#yeah. ill get right on that#RAAAgggh I hate it here im cryin at work like a LOSER
0 notes
Text
.
#welcome to losing your shitsville#population me#fml i love them but i cant wait til they move out i got home and they told me they took the dog for a walk and he ate mud#like do NOT fucking let my dog eat shit omfg i almost screamed and lost my shit#like god knows what else they let him get into#i will lose my mind on them if he gets sick#like they mean well but theyre not good with animals#they r gonna hopefully be moving out after the summer but will still be right next door#at least ill have my space back#i dont even care if this doesnt make sense out of context im just ranting#life with shannon
0 notes