#the only way ive been coping with dysphoria is ignoring it. im not gonna be trans forever. one day ill wake up cis.

[poems-of-a-lover]

waiting for the day i can consume cis gay media and not get insanely jealous, dysphoric, or both

[raincamp]

12 01 2023

vent post

i want to murder my roommate so fucking bad.

ive been feeling like shit recently. my hormones are all out of wack bc my endo didnt refill my testosterone for two weeks, and also started me on progesterone. ive been feeling more intensely in the past three days than i have in the past 6 months. its scary. and dysphoria inducing.

its like my bpd is coming back full force. i had it fucking numbed away for the past 3 months and now its back and i cant fucking ignore it. im gonna fail soon, fail at coping through stuff.

ive been using drugs and alcohol to do that work for me and now im trying to be sober. i think thats fucking with me too. im becoming unbearable. unbearable to myself and to the people around me. im so much better when im on something.

i had my first day at a new job today. i only worked 3 hours but the job is super physical and i ended up immediately falling asleep the second i got home, and then my roommate woke me up, and then my cat wouldnt let me go back to sleep (not in the cute way)

my roommate is getting on my fucking nerves today, and im trying to tell myself that its just because im exhausted from work and moody bc of my new medication but FUCK dude i hate him so fucking much. he used to be my best friend. im splitting.

he keeps like. dating people. which is fine, but hes online dating and he keeps getting ghosted, which is normal, but of course he has to ask me for my opinion, and for advice, and then he always automatically shuts me down, or turns it around to me saying something bad about him. like. hes specifically asking me for advice. and then not listening to me. and then making me look bad.

and its always fucking "i did something wrong, somethings wrong with me" and honestly its getting to the point where im tired of hearing him say that. im tired of telling him to stop putting his self worth onto girls that dont even have the decency to tell him they dont like him.

and then when i go to walk away, end a conversation, ignore him, etc. hes always thinking im mad at him or he did something wrong no matter what i say to reassure him. i tell him im tired from work, im hungry, its not about him, i need time alone, and then he starts getting upset about it.

i hate it because it reminds me of me.

maybe not now me. not current me. current me knows how to reassure myself. current me knows how to communicate. current me knows how to cope through percieved abandonment.

he doesn't and it pisses me off. now i have to do the mental work for both of us.

im so fucking angry