#i have a severe mental illness called wishing it was 2011 again

[dip-lou-in-honey]

.

[curlyjoe7]

Forming Your Own Opinions.

First off - major trigger warning for rape, manipulation and abuse. Second off - this is an adult conversation, between adults and only adults. I don’t want any arguments just informed debate. If you don’t know the situation then don’t speak. If you don’t like my opinion, agree to disagree, unfollow or block and move on. Everyone has the right to express their thoughts, all arguing will result in being blocked. Third off - I know this is old and no one wants to hear about it anymore but I just formed an opinion on it which I want to talk about. Sorry if hearing about it bothers you.

For the longest time and still even so now I have had the mentality: go with the popular opinion or just be quiet and you will be liked. Which is very toxic. I am obsessed with being liked, being plastic and letting others control my thoughts. I’m trying to get away from that though and this is my first step. Stating a controversial opinion. A big one. Very big. It’s hard for me, the whole thing has thrown me into a few severe anxiety attacks but I have to do this to get better or I never will. I’m super nervous and I’m ready to be hated or as ready as I possibly can be whilst simultaneously freaking out. So what’s my opinion? That Melanie Martinez is innocent. Just hear me out. Here’s why I think she’s innocent:

I was a big Melanie fan at the time of the rape accusations. At first when I heard it I thought “wow this is terrible, she’s a rapist” and cancelled her. It was really hard but I knew it was the best thing to do. After all it’s better to side with a potential victim than a potential rapist, right? I also knew nothing about the backstory so I had nothing to work off of but the word of someone I didn’t know existed and the statement “she never said no to what we chose to do together.” I as many thought that was a dumb excuse, just because someone doesn’t say no doesn’t mean it means yes. But like I said, I had no backstory so I moved on and unfanned Melanie, as hard as it was for me. Randomly I thought of it again, in the past week, and wondered if there was anything else about it. Looked it up and well... there’s a ton. I want to make a disclaimer that when looking at all the evidence, I took into consideration both sides. I was completely unbiased in this despite my past love of Melanie. Rape is a serious issue and should be treated like that not just excused because you like the person who is accused of it. Though with what I was learning, Timothy’s story seemed fishy with some holes. So I did more digging. First let’s get the story clear of what supposedly happened:

And that’s it basically. That’s the story, coming straight from her Twitter. Pretty horrifying, manipulating and wrong. Makes you feel bad for Timothy. But it doesn’t end there. After she released that statement Melanie released her own:

Many people thought it was her admitting to it and claiming it wasn’t rape because she let it happen. Which had us thinking she was guilty as sin. Until Timothy started releasing more information. Apparently that same day they went to a thrift shop and picked up a game that included a blindfold, handcuffs, and a dice that said things like “lick leg.” Which she never mentioned at all before. Originally Timothy said that Melanie bought it but then later said she herself did. Which is odd since she stated she has been abused before and sexual stuff made her uncomfortable. But whatever she said she thought it would be funny. Now here’s where it gets weird, she never mentioned the game before, right?Maybe she forgot? Sure that’s reasonable. They played the game on June 25th 2015 according to Timothy in an interview:

At Melanie’s house. Melanie’s house is in LA. This is important because with further information, she was in New York performing on stage that day. She even made an Instagram post about it:

And fans have pictures of her on stage. You notice how her hair is blonde and black in this pic? Well to support her cause Timothy posted a picture of Melanie the night it happened:

Her hair is a different color. And on her phone it shows up as May 6th, 2015. She claims it’s because her iCloud is messed up and that pictures of her recently showed up at being in 2011:

I went to Melanie’s Instagram to see her hair color May 6th, 2015 and just look:

On May 2nd her hair was that color in the picture. It’s actually really easy to change dates on your iCloud too. That’s... odd. But there’s even more, I believe she said they stopped being freinds after that but I know she said they stopped being friends in 2016, yet in 2017 she said this:

Okay. Change it once, maybe you forgot but if she changed it twice and still got it wrong? Suspicious. She actually has changed a lot of the story, multiple times. She said originally she didn’t want to go to the cops because she was afraid they wouldn’t believe her then said on her Instagram Live that yeah it’s bad but not murder so she doesn’t deserve to go to jail. So which is true? I mean it doesn’t matter her reason, it’s her decision but why is the reason changing? In Timothy’s original statement she mentioned some of Melanie’s fans became her fans but their loyalty never strayed from Melanie. That’s... irrelevant. But is it actually? Melanie was supposed to release a new album one month later. Which didn’t end up happening and when you went to Timothy’s Twitter at the time she had a pinned tweet for her song. Kinda weird but okay, it was probably there before. But why mention the loyalty of her fans never straying from her? Like I said, it’s irrelevant to the topic but not to her potential motives. They started their careers at the same time and Melanie was more popular too. And apparently started focusing on her music more than her friends so both of these might be the reason why. Seems reasonable. Now of course I wanted to check the stuff on Melanie’s side too but all I found was the original statement and this one:

Which in my opinion does clear up the “she never said no” thing. I think what she was trying to say is, Timothy didn’t say no multiple times like she said she did and that Melanie would never have sex with someone without their complete confirmation. Maybe even she meant she didn’t say no to the game they played. Though it could mean: “She never said no, I didn’t act on when she did say no but pressured her to give in.” And what Melanie says in this statement: “I trusted so many people in my life who took advantage of that trust for their own personal gain” supports the fact Timothy did it for fame. She also mentioned that in her song she released on Spotify called Piggyback that goes:

Trusted too many people while I was still young

Gave them the benefit of the doubt, I was so wrong

I cut them off and they came for blood cause they know

They ain’t getting no more

I’m so done playing piggyback

Swear to god I wished y’all all the best

You’re lying your way to try to gain a piece of me

When you could never come close cause I know my destiny

I worked hard for my shit

Put my love in this shit

Now you’re trying to kill my name for some fame

What is this?

Tried to help you do your shit

Encouraged you to work on it

Was a good friend and you used that to your advantage

Timothy did mention when Melanie blew up that she didn’t have time anymore for her and that she wanted to focus on her fans and music. So it does make sense that she did this for attention, to hurt Melanie. Even so the way Melanie worded her statement originally, doesn’t help her cause. Just made her look worse. The second statement however does clear it up in my opinion. With all the evidence and what Melanie said, it’s 1 point she’s guilty to multiple that she’s innocent. Even if you don’t like her you can’t deny that. There may be more points towards her being guilty as well, I’m not sure but this is all I could find, though there is just too many points towards her being innocent. In reality though none of this is fact, it’s just evidence and even evidence can be fake or twisted sometimes. Here’s a few more things about Timothy though and this story:

She says she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore but yet is willing to keep bringing it up. She dressed up as Melanie in 2016, a year after the rape, why would you put yourself through so much pain and do that? Idk just seems like it would hurt you more but she did love her so maybe that’s why: she was trying to deny the truth because of how much she loved her. She also suffers from BPD (Boarderline Personality Disorder) which I hate to bring up, just because she has a mental illness doesn’t mean she would do something fucked up. Just because anyone has a mental illness doesn’t mean it’s the reason for everything. Mental illness doesn’t equal bad morals but it can lead you to do bad things. Trust me I know, I have depression, anxiety and OCD. My OCD causes me to try to avoid particular things which I don’t always do in a nice way. I hurt people because I don’t want to deal with something related to it. This could be the same situation. The symptoms of BPD do explain why she would do this to hurt Melanie. For example some of the symptoms for BPD are pervasive instability in moods, distaste of one’s self image, insecurity and problems with interpersonal relationships. It seems logical with that info why she would do it if she is lying. Not to mention Timothy has claimed abuse on past bandmates of her old band Dresses where she only stayed cause they needed her voice. She has the history to make claims, I have no idea if it’s true though. She also allegedly molested a 16 year old girl. Also unsure if that’s true but if she did that she might have based the story on what she did since the story is quite similar. Regardless, here’s my complete opinion on the matter:

Timothy made it up for attention because she was jealous Melanie was focusing on her music not her and that she wasn’t as popular, probably a lot being because of her BPD. She knew a story like this would get attention and people would believe with the rising amount of sexual assault victims coming forward. So she posted it and then remembered she knew she had that picture of the game so she started basing it around that, picking a random date and saying it happened at Melanie’s house cause they are in her house in the pic, not knowing what Melanie actually did that day. However though she forgot the picture was dated and tried to blow it off as her iCloud being messed up which she supported by changing the date on recent pictures to awhile ago. And also she can’t remember parts of her story so she makes up new stuff and changes stuff a lot. Then she goes on to social media shading her and posting things about how hard it is to get empathy. Stuff like the picture on her IG story which is her crying (it just looks like she put in eyedrops to me) I would post but I hit the picture limit. She even contacted her friends to get in on it to make it look legit. She hasn’t gone to the cops because she knows they will find it bs and she’ll be revealed as lying. Most juries which are meant to be unbiased would side with Melanie because of the evidence so if it is false that explains why she hasn’t gone to the cops. And if it is real, honey if you don’t remember a part just say you don’t remember, it’s not helping your cause.

But that’s just my opinion, everyone has their own. There is probably even more to this that I don’t know but I shared everything I do. Though regardless let’s remember no side has concrete proof. To me everyone is innocent until proven guilty. You can’t really call her a good or a bad person and say it’s fact because you don’t know the truth. You can however support her by forming an opinion based on your own view of the situation. That doesn’t make you a bad person or someone who is defending rape. And to everyone who believes it: don’t get on the people who think it’s bullshit. You can’t deny there is a lot of holes in the story. And it doesn’t make you look better or woke nor is it siding with a potential rapist, it’s siding with evidence and your opinion. Evidence is better to side with than a potential victim just because they are a potential victim. Some people make stuff up. Even horrible things like that. Also don’t side with Melanie just because you like her, actually do some research and use your brain not your heart. It makes you a horrible person to just support her because “she’s my idol and a true fan would support her even if she’s a rapist!!!” That’s so fucked up. It truly makes me sick to hear delusional stans saying that. People like you are making the situation worse and contributing to rape culture. Delusional stans are also saying if you didn’t believe Melanie from the beginning on this situation you’re not a real fan. Which is not true at all. We are real fans, we just wanted to not instantly believe she didn’t do it because we like her. We wanted to figure out how we see the situation by looking at the evidence before jumping to conclusions. That makes us logical. On a similar note us questioning the situation and trying to find more information on it to form an opinion is also being logical. Not invalidating a potential rape victim. But rather doing the right thing and giving both parties the right to a fair trial. And if any of you are going to say: “why hasn’t Melanie done more about it then?” Would you want to talk about something like this? Something that damaged your career immensely? No, you wouldn’t. If it’s real, I’m sorry Timothy that this happened to you and Melanie deserves consequences. But if it is false, I’m sorry you have to deal with this Melanie and Timothy deserves consequences. Form your own opinion and please be respectful. I’m going to go back to supporting Melanie because I genuinely believe that she didn’t do it. That’s my decision, make your own. And don’t get on Melanie or Timothy, no cyber bullying them. Like I said you don’t know the truth nor do I, only they do. Even if you did being mean gets you nowhere. Now let’s just let this go and move forward from it.

[ballad-of-me-and-mybrain]

hello. welcome to my journey.

to give you a brief overview; I am a non-binary queer person with (currently) undiagnosed mental illness. I wanted to document my journey and find some communities who understand my struggles, and to have an anonymous place to vent.

current situation: I am in a mostly depressive episode. I say mostly because there are fleeting moments of okayness: where my partner has cheered me up, or someone makes me laugh. my moods are not fixed, though: they can change daily, or even through the course of a day. at present, I don’t have any highs, feelings of mania, or true happiness. it’s either an ocean of intense sadness, or a grey numbness: or both. I have had 2 serious instances of suicidality in the last week. I am prone to dipping very severely to feeling suicidal when I am upset, particularly if there’s an argument with someone I really love, but this has been more persistent. It wasn’t fleeting along with the situations, it was present and heavy and caused me to pour tablets into my hand and stare at them, or write my suicide notes and plan my wishes. 

I was referred to secondary care after an initial assessment with the primary care mental health team, who deemed me slightly too complex for primary care. after an MDT meeting, I was contacted to be informed of my being placed on a waiting list for group DBT sessions; via online-video of course, because... well, COVID.

I have my assessment with secondary care in a fortnight. after my first episode of severe suicidality this week, I contacted my GP to inform them that my depressive episode was worsening. the first offer was of medication and I am quick to hesitate; I have promazine (a low-dose anti-psychotic) on hand to take ad hoc, but due to my history with medications (which I will get to) I am very reluctant about them. 

secondly, the GP offered to inform the mental health team to see if they could ‘speed up’ my assessment.

hours later, I was contacted by them. It was a brief conversation, basically telling me that my assessment cannot be brought forward, but that the team could be called any time and I could get a call back within a number of hours; or I could contact the crisis team, failing that. it was a comfort of sorts to know that there was someone there.

the next day of difficulty was 4 days later, with no particular trigger. the first was triggered by a heated argument with my partner; the second seemed to have no trigger. it was simply there. I felt incredibly sad and low for the entire day, having feelings of wanting to die or otherwise not be around. my partner’s family were due to come over, in part due to a sister needing some comfort in their own situation, and I hid in the bedroom for the entirety of the evening. crying regularly, and unable to concentrate on anything at all. I decided to contact the team, and I had a call back about 2 or so hours later. Bez and I talked for about 30 minutes, and he told me to buy a book: mindfulness for EUPD, and encouraged me to keep a gratefulness journal. he told me that the waiting list for DBT was 1-2 years, which both shocked me and left me in a bit of dismay. he did make me feel a little better, particularly around my guilt for needing my partner there when she needed to be elsewhere, and I wasn’t quite on the brink of suicidality anymore, but I still felt defeated, exhausted, and terribly sad. I took a promazine later in the evening at my partner’s encouragement, and I went to sleep a couple of hours later. current symptoms: suicidal thoughts; feelings, loose plans, rapid mood changes, deep sadness, irritability, crying suddenly, quick to upset, low motivation, low concentration, isolation, lacking in logical thought, ‘black or white’ thinking, splitting, low opinion of self, critical of self and others, needing regular reassurance, mild paranoia, jealousy.

history: in brief;

-  I had experienced panic attacks as a child which stemmed from my father driving very fast and unsafely on motorways. I experienced physical and mental abuse from my father and sexual abuse from my brother at around the ages of 8-10. my parents had been separated since I was 2. I lived with my mother, who I had a good relationship with, and my step-father, who I did not get on with and was quite strict.

- I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression at the age of 15 and was sent for counselling which I only attended briefly.

- I re-attended the GP later on in 2011, at 18. I was given citalopram to try and help my depressive/anxiety symptoms, which unfortunately didn’t help. I came off the medication a number of months later, shortly after my relationship had a breakdown. I self-referred to MIND for counselling and I engaged, but unfortunately my counsellor was very poor and kept cancelling our appointments, sometimes when I was literally on my way to an appointment with her.

- in early 2016, at age 23, I attended the GP again with high anxiety in the hope of trying something new. I was prescribed sertraline which only worsened my symptoms. I was unable to sleep, eat correctly, was self-harming in the form of cutting myself, and was feeling very low. I saw a private counsellor at my GP which helped somewhat in relation to my childhood trauma and having someone to ‘vent’ to.

- later on in 2016, I became very suicidal. my GP wondered if I might have bipolar disorder, and I was referred to the mental health team. after a number of A&E visits, discussions around admission, and a psychiatrist, my sertraline dose was increased. my mood changed very fast: I was high-energy, feeling paranoid, seeing things that were not there, had grand ideas, was engaging in risky behaviour, and felt urges to harm. I had never experienced this before and it was very new to me. during this time, I also spent a lot of money and engaged in drawing and painting, something I wasn’t normally interested in. I didn’t sleep a lot and I was unable to work. I was prescribed olanzapine to level my moods and the psychiatrist pondered the bipolar diagnosis alongside traits of eupd.

- I improved on olanzapine after a number of months, though it made me sleep too much to function. I ended up easing off it, and my psychiatrist discharged me without a firm diagnosis.

my current situation is the most severe in mental health issues since. I have had counselling privately online, and this helped some: I was active, eating well, and feeling okay. unfortunately, this didn’t last. I have very childish behaviours; screaming and sobbing when upset, irrational anger, fast and sudden mood changes, severe ‘splitting’ around myself and my partner especially; I react very strongly when voices are raised or if anything becomes remotely physical which I know is due to my childhood. 

my gp, mental health team, and assessor all agree that I probably have eupd/bpd. unfortunately, of course, I need to see a psych to be *officially* diagnosed, which I suppose is my next movement. 

if you read this far, well done...

& thank you for joining me in my journey.

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

⭐🥀TRIGGER WARNING!!

Introducing Last Night At 3AM. I Lost Control. Yet Another Breakdown, I Had about 30 breakdowns. No pity sympathy or attention. && NO I WAS NOT ON DRUGS! I'm over 1 year sober. Alvaro took over (one of my demons/alters) && Dancing Fire (another one) possessed me to the point I almost got a cop call. I don't wanna be a burden &: I wanna save fix care support be there for everyone and everything. I'm sick of being alive. But I can't do anything stupid cuz of me getting concerved to a state institution (which is way different than a mental hospital) cuz I've been in 215 mental hospitals & got diagnosed Critically/Clinically Insane plus over 10+ mental hospitals. All I have is my mom. The breakdowns the vivid flashbacks the mental illnesses getting 10x worse. No treatment will take me cuz I've been to all of them to many times. I can't process anything. My mind imprisons me. I dissociate 89 to 99% of the day. I've been thru every single sorts of treatments/medication I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018. I'm losing my mind. And everyday it's the same thing and people get tired of hearing it.I'm so done with dealing with this everyday. I don't need sympathy. I just don't know man. My mom&& lil brother doesn't want me home, I can't explain what's wrong or going on. I don't wanna be a burden. I'm sorry man. I wanted to self harm again but I didn't. Imagine all my mental illnesses multiplied by 10. Imagine EVERYDAY HAVING VIVID FLASHBACKS AND 22+ Mental Breakdowns a day. I.am sorry if I'm negative. I'm sorry. I just wanna save and fix the world. When people ask me "how are u" idk how much reply. I'm sick of my mind. I feel like darkness is controlling me. I pray A LOT. Alvaro literally possesses me and gets in my body. I have mostly every mental health diagnosis there is. And NO I'M NOT PROUD OF IT I'M NOT BRAGGING OR GLORIFYING It. I just wanna help everyone and everything. Along the my mental health, I have autism, narcolepsy anorexia Etc. My diagnosis list is so long and I don't wanna be known for that. I can't even leave my house. When ever I feel a lil bit better, here comes Alvaro. But again I don't wanna be a burden. It's my job to be there for everyone else NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I can't take this anymore. No pity sympathy or attention. I can't seek help cuz then they'll send me to a institution cuz I've been in to many mental hospitals. I'm doing the best I can. But I'm about to snap. I can't function. And I'm getting worse. I don't want attention I want to be OK. I've dealt with all this hell most of my life. It's hard to explain. On top of that. My physical state is getting worse. I'm finding more reasons to die than to live. I'm over 1 year sober. I'm a huge hypocrite when it comes out taking my own advice. I don't love myself. But i am over caring sensitive and I help obsessively. I repeat myself idk I'm just not OK. I'm losing contact with reality. I'm scared to keep going. But I got this.🥀⭐

🥀⭐Your Enough

Your Worth It.

Your Life Has Purpose

This To Shall Pass

Im here for all y'all in anyway I possibly can.

I'm sorry if I'm annoying. I'm sorry

Stay Strong && Keep Breathing ⭐🥀

🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙

🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic with over 1 year sober. This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Being homeless 13 times. In 215 mental hospitals. In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth. I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018, over 10+ mental illnesses. Some were caused from a few bad trips on PCP that I never came back from. I was sleeping anywhere I could rest my head, I had to be alert at all times. Tbh I havent been to a meeting in awhile. My sponsor is like family to me. I'm redoing all my steps. I'm on step 2. I've lost a shit ton of people to drugs and I was literally getting cop calls everyday. Drugs messed with my life. And having this much clean time is amazing. Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls. Any clean time is good time. And I'm proud of all of you in recovery drug addiction is a special kinda hell. Drugs become your priority and your best friend. I got tortured on the daily by people coming in one by one torturing me from orders from Kimberly (my ex fiance who hung herself in front of me) it was one by one. I got so caught on in drugs that it was the only way I knew. I used to numb the pain. I'm so blessed I found God again. Now I have 22+ mental breakdowns a day every day. I found out it had a lot to do with my drug use.🔥🔥🥀🥀

🥀🖤Thank you for breathing even when u wanted to die. Drugs kill you. There's nothing about it to be proud of its serious. You Matter Yo Important Yo A Someone Yo Enough Yo Worth It Yo Have A Purpose, Yo Have A Story, A Message, A Voice, A Reason, Yo A Warrior, A Soldier, A Survivor, A Fighter. You Are U && NoOne Can Be You, But YOU. Your Life Matters YOU MATTER, Yo Life Has Value &% I'm Glad Your Alive. Thank U For Being Alive. People say that I help everyone and everything obsessively && I don't stop. It's very true. This is a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤🥀

🖤🔥🥀I failed Cedar House twice. This was a rehab in San Bernardino, California. I lied my way out. And I regret it. Funny thing is I already read the entire NA Basic Text && The AA Big Book. I have multiple sobriety apps on my phone and I have an app that that has NA && AA Speakers on it. I'm reading the How && Why and I'm so proud of myself && I couldn't have got this far without my sponsor, Jaclyn. She understands me better than any sponsor I've had in recovery. Here's a list of my mental disorders, some were caused Or made worse by drugs and alcohol🥀🔥🖤

🌙🔥🔥Schizo-Affective, Bipolar

ADHD, OLD, ODD,

PTSD, Insomnia

Depression, Anorexia

Anxiety, Autism

Borderline Personality Disorder

Severe Brain Damage

Attachment Disorder

Dissociative Identity Fund..

Multiple Personality Disorder

Narcolepsy, Critically/Clinically Insane🔥🔥🌙

🖤🥀Listen I don't need your pity, sympathy or attention these were all diagnosed by over 5 psychiatrists, and diagnosed "Insane" by over 10 doctors. DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE!!!! Anyways. I attempted suicide over 100 times. Self harmed in anyway possible. They say I'm the most high maintenance case in the system of California. And the next time I go to a mental hospital I'm getting sent to a state institution. I would do anything to get drugs. Jeremy && Izzie Baraz were my street partners. They both passed away. All I have left in blood family is my mom and brother. My mom. Says if I pick up drugs one more time I'm never aloud back in her house. My dad injected me with meth and heroin at age 9, he also tortured me daily. He passed away in 2011. I'm glad he's dead. But I take full responsibility for my drug and alcohol habits. And I hope I never go back. One Day At A Time.🥀🖤

🔥🥀This To Shall Pass, If Not Today There's Always Tomorrow

God, Grant Me The Serenity

To Accept The Things I Cannot Change

The Courage To Change The Things I Can. &&

The Wisdom To Know The Difference

Amen🥀🔥

🔥🔥Keep Coming Back It Works If You Work It🔥🔥

🔥🔥A Moment Of Silence, For The Addict Who Still

Suffers, In And Out Of These Rooms🔥🔥

🔥🔥Staying Clean, Im Never Going Back🔥🔥

🥀🖤I almost relapsed again on New Year's. I almost asked a stranger to buy me Vodka. But God told me to stop.

I'm Always Here 4 All Of You, No matter What.

I'd Do Anything To Keep Y'all Alive && Breathing. To Make U OK. to Save && Fix U && Take Your Pain Away. I Love Y'all. Keep Coming Back.🖤🥀

[fapangel]

Left-Wing Violence and False Equivalencies

After the attempted murder of several Republican Congressmen last month, I skipped any big blogpost on it because I'd already posted it months before - a simple "I told you so" sufficed. The bloodletting was everything I - and countless others - had said would be the inevitable consequence of the tide of pathological hatred and thuggery currently ruling the left wing. The shock of the event should have spoken for itself.

Imagine my surprise, then, to hear people I respect glibly equating the unceasing, obsessive hatred and calls for violence from the left wing to "right-wing rhetoric," implicitly suggesting some sort of parity. Apparently, this needs saying: left-wing violence, and calls for violence, are qualitatively and quantitatively far more evident, excessive, effective and dangerous on the left. This owes to three main reasons:

Left-wing violence and violent rhetoric is openly promoted and legitimized by people in positions to influence the ideology of the masses, especially Hollywood stars, university professors and famous national “comedians.”

Left-wing violence and violent rhetoric is organized, political, and international in scope.

Left-wing violence and violent rhetoric is unashamed, unapologetic, and accepted in their own cultural circles.

These are not opinions, or arguments. As I will document, these are facts. Let's start with the first point.

Grasping for Straws - Media Accusations

Let's compare some reactions - reactions - to the Scalise shooting, after conservatives dire predictions of bloodshed had been borne out. Trinity College professor Johnny Eric Williams published an article on Medium.com charmingly titled "Let Them Fucking Die," openly wishing that the attempted murderer had been successful. It opened with this disclaimer:

[NOTE: This essay is in the context of bigotry and is speaking about bigots. If you aren’t a bigot, then it doesn’t apply to you. But, if you happen to feel hit, then holler, dog.]

One rubber-stamp label later, and murder - outright murder - is justified. Then there was Chelsey Gentry-Tipton, a Nebraska Democratic Party official and chairwoman of Nebraska's Black Caucus openly mocked the shock of the shooting victims on social media. She also posted “The very people that push pro NRA legislation in efforts to pad their pockets with complete disregard for human life. Yeah, having a hard time feeling bad for them.”

But even that pales in comparison to Phil Montag, another Nebraskan Democratic Party official, who came to Gentry-Tipton's defense and was caught on tape saying that he was glad Scalise got shot and that he wished Scalise was dead. Click that link - it must be heard to be believed, especially Montag combatively arguing with his fellow Party officials who released the tape.

And let's not forget James Devine, a New Jersey Democratic campaign strategist for 35 years who tweeted “We are in a war with selfish, foolish & narcissistic rich people. Why is it a shock when things turn violent?#HuntRepublicanCongressmen.” (The original tweet is still up. Look for yourself.)

Again, this is after theory has become fact, after blood has been spilled, and after people have been gravely wounded and almost killed. The reaction of tenured professors Democratic Party officials and career Democratic campaign staffers wasn't just approval, but combative, nasty, in-your-face avowal; the conviction of people convinced they're right and not afraid to say so.

Now turn the tables and time-warp to 2011, after Gabrielle Giffords was shot and the left-wing media overwhelmingly and immediately blamed it on "right-wing rhetoric" - such as a campaign map with "cross-hair graphics" placed over crucial districts - to explain the actions of an insane man. Initial diagnosis of mental illness mean little, since these perpetrators are unstable and violence-prone by definition - defining it as root cause or aggravating factor requires investigation. I was going to say that no such ambiguity existed in the Giffords shooting, trusting to Fig. A., the shooter's mugshot, to carry the argument -

- but the media happily spared me the trouble when the New York Times, the pinnacle of journalistic standards and so-called "newspaper of record", repeated the election-map claim six years after Loughner's gibbering insanity had been firmly established. The editorial board of the New York Times missed this, which implies something about their remembered narratives. Incidentally, that editorial was itself a reaction to the Scalise shooting, and claimed that there was "no sign of incitement as direct as in the Giffords attack." With the blood of Scalise and two police officers still soaking the ground, the Times rushed to defend the left and blame the right with an outright lie.

This was going to be my key example, but once again the media preempted me. It's been drowned out by the overwhelming backlash against CNN's thuggish threatening and intimidation of some random Reddit user, but the media's desperately been arguing that Trump re-tweeting a meme gif of him fake-wrestling a CNN logo to the mat is promoting violence against the media. CNN, of course, is in the throes of high dudgeon. This is what the major mainstream media outlets - with their massive, unquestionably powerful platforms and reporter/researcher apparatus - find and hold up as examples of violent right-wing rhetoric: crosshairs on campaign maps and fake wrestling meme .gifs from reddit. Given the power, influence, and dominant platform of these organizations, it strains credulity to claim that there's significant instances of right-wing violence promotion that they somehow haven't made headline news.

A Non-Stop Litany of Hatred

Barely two weeks after the mass shooting at the Republican baseball practice, Johnny Depp, famous Hollywood actor, stood up in front of a crowd in England and “joked” about assassinating President Trump. “When was the last time an actor assassinated a president? I want to clarify, I am not an actor. I lie for a living. However, it has been a while and maybe it is time.” Back in May, Professor John Griffin, of the Art Institute of Washington, called for GOP Representatives to be “lined up and shot.”

Then there's the Otto Warmbier tale. Soon after the 22 year old was sentenced to 15 years of hard labor for “stealing a political poster,” the Huffington Post was openly gloating about how that filthy white male had it coming for thinking his white privilege would let him get away with his “crime,” apparently happy to take North Korea's word on the young man's “guilt.”And they weren't the only ones, with comedians, Salon.com and Affinity magazine piling on also. After Otto Warmbier was murdered by the North Koreans, Fox News wondered if those leftists were still laughing. Turns out they were - or at least Kathy Dettwyler, professor of anthropology at the University of Delaware, said he got “exactly what he deserved” because of - again - his white privilege. Tom Curry, associate professor at Texas A&M, gave an interview about “killing white people in context,” in which he said that “some white people might have to die,” because, of course, black people are dying. A Fresno State University professor, Lars Maischak, went on a twitter rant calling for Trump to be hung, “the higher the better,” and for Republicans to be executed. One particularly saucy tweet: “Has anyone started soliciting money and design drafts for a monument honoring the Trump assassin, yet?”

Back to Hollywood with Madonna, who talked about thinking of “blowing up the white house.” When Palin's campaign puts cross-hairs on crucial electoral districts it's an “incitement to violence,” but when Madonna says “blow up the White House” she's just speaking in metaphor, apparently. When Michelle Bachmann says “slit our wrists and become blood brothers” she's using “violent rhetoric,” according to Montel Williams, but when he says “slit your wrist, do us all a better thing, move that knife up two feet and start at the collarbone,” he must be speaking metaphorically. At least there's no ambiguity with Joss Whedon, who wants Speaker Paul Ryan to be raped to death by a rhino with its horn “because it's funny, not becuase he's a #GOPmurderbro.” Director David Simon tweeted that if Mueller (who's busily hiring Clinton campaign donors for his “investigation” team,) is fired, you should “pick up a goddamn brick.” Unlike Trump's WWE meme tweet, which was clearly an incitement to violence, he was just ��speaking in metaphor” too. Lea DeLaria threatened to “pick up a baseball bat and take out every fucking republican and independent I see.” Rappers “YG” and “Nipsey Hustle” wrote an entire rap packed with death threats towards Trump. Marilyn Manson made a music video showing him violently decapitating Trump, reminiscent of Snoop Dogg's music video showing him shooting Trump. (These are the latest in a longer trend of vivid left-wing murder/assassination fantasies - they made an entire docudrama fantisizing about murdering George Bush.) Sarah Silverman, a “comedian,” tweeted her call for a military coup to depose the “mad king and his handlers.” It's unclear if her call for military violence against our democratically elected government - to remove fascists - was intended to be ironic. Perhaps it was a metaphor?

Artists are an arcane and subtle lot, so let's see if the straightforward, all-facts style of journalists is more clear-cut. Here's Bill Maher prodding people to assassinate the vice president on national television: “I have zero doubt that if Dick Cheney was not in power, people wouldn't be dying needlessly tomorrow... I'm just saying if he did die, other people, more people would live. That's a fact.” Here's Courtland Milloy, Washington Post (WaPo) columnist, expressing his deep desire to “knock every racist and homophobic tooth out of their Cro-Magnon heads” because “they” disagreed with him on health care policy. Here's Linda Stasi of the New York Daily News comparing the Boston Marathon Bombers to one of their murder victims becuaes he was a filthy Republican bigot.

But the media talks a good game. What about actual politicians? You know, the people actually leading the Democratic Party? Rep. Paul Kanjorski, D-PA called for then-new Republican governor of Florida Rick Scott to be put up against a wall and shot. He clarified that Scott was a “millionaire and a billionaire,” a “damn crook,” which leads me to believe he was not speaking in metaphor when calling for his murder. A few months later he'd also react to the Giffords shooting with a New York Times op-ed calling for “an atmosphere of civility and respect.” State Rep. Chuck Kruger (a Democrat) tweeted that Cheney deserved the “same fate as Saddam.” Just a joke, bro, just a joke! Allen Brauer, communications chair of the Democratic Party of Sacramento County, wished death on the children of one of Ted Cruz's speechwriters: “May your children all die from debilitating, painful and incurable diseases.” Of course, this was justified because those evil Republicans started it.

I could - actually, it's 6AM, I have gone on all night documenting this, and I could go on another few. But if anyone else points this out - say, the NRA, in an ad saying “they use their movie stars and singers and comedy shows and award shows to repeat their narrative over and over again,” then the Washington Post (WaPo) whines that conservatives are “inciting violence.” As was detailed in the running debate with an antifa (anarcho-communist revolutionary) supporter on this very blog, the left is currently justifying violence via the dire need to “stop the Nazis who want us dead,” but when the NRA points out that the left is calling to “kill them [conservatives] first," it “sounds like an excerpt from North Korean state television,” a “stark picture” that's “designed to provoke fear, if not incite violence.”

A Qualitative Discrepancy

Some of you are already bristling, I'm sure, reaching out for tumblr and twitter links of conservatives advocating violence, or any of the left-wing politicians or groups who have received “hundreds” of death threats (usually anonymously, on the internet.) I'd link some myself, but aside from one WaPo story, every combination of search terms just turned up story after story detailing threats going the other way. Ho hum. It doesn't matter, because the quantitative argument, “look at all those redneck goons on twitter!” misses the point: you don't see right-wing public figures, media personalities and politicians issuing stark, unapologetic calls for violence. There's a vast discrepancy in who is making the threats between left and right - and why.

As illustrated by the above anecdotes, left-wing personalities are open, unabashed, and unapologetic about calling for Republicans to be murdered, in as many words. They don't bother walking their statements back even after someone acts on them. Even Phil Montag, who says “I won't say this publicly,” is still incensed enough to be shouting down his own Party colleagues in defense of someone who did publically chortle at attempted political assassination. Even if you live in 'Darkest Appalachia' where you can jaw about them damn 'coloreds' between bites of chaw, you don't dare get publicly identified saying it, because it'll cost you your job - and you sure as hell don't post it online yourself anywhere it's connected to your name. Liberals whinge about “microaggressions” and “subtle racism” because overt racism has been rejected by our culture for decades now. Many liberals hold conservatives to all be secret racists, harboring their despicable ideologies close to their vest, prevented from open expression only by the punitive power of larger culture - but even they agree that the left wing has all the cultural power. There is nobody they cannot destroy, and nobody too small to feel their wrath, as CNN's doxxing crusade against some random Redditor demonstrates. Leftists claim the violent Antifa riot staged to shut down Milo Yiannopoulos's Berkeley speech was justified, because he “used his platform to bully a transgender girl”(49:52) who was then harassed by internet trolls due to the publicity. I wonder how they feel about CNN - which has much more money, power, connections and influence than a single gay conservative writer - using their platform to target some random Redditor (who had an expectation of anonymity the transgender student did not) because Trump thought their meme was the dankest? Exposing his identity would assuredly wreck his life - SJWs take such glee in harassing employers to get people fired for voicing crimethink that they've got an entire tumblr dedicated to gloating about it.

The left wing has the power, and they know it. When a left-winger says “murder the President,” they're in the company of famous Hollywood actors, respected intellectuals and University professors, and even Democratic Party officials, both on and off the record. With leftists so geographically concentrated in major cities and in full control of every establishment capable of shaping opinion and ideology - the universities, the arts, even the media - they've no reason to feel afraid about being open with their crude, violent intolerance. Some of those professors in the above anecdotes paid with their jobs - (which doesn't mean they won't find another at a more “understanding” institution,) but some didn't - and only a few apologized. Almost all of them haven't deleted their tweets (hence the direct links to them), few apologized (often defensively and begrudgingly,) and a few, like that asshole Devine, actually doubled down. A conservative can't make a dank meme gif without CNN hunting them down and threatening to destroy them, but leftists can issue blatant terroristic threats under their own name and get away without any consequences whatsoever.

The Moral Disconnect

This is why left-wing violent rhetoric is far more dangerous and influential: the respectable authority of the establishments, institutions and public figures echoing it lends far greater weight to the arguments - effectively normalizing it as acceptable. They're also everywhere and repeated incessantly, because every traditional establishment of communication and education, from cradle to grave, is controlled by the left. This normalizes the narrative, which provides the moral justification for moral disengagement with the act of political violence itself. As Albert Bandura said, “Moral justification is a powerful disengagement mechanism. Destructive conduct is made personally and socially acceptable by portraying it in the service of moral ends. This is why most appeals against violent means usually fall on deaf ears.”

In many of the earlier anecdotes - including Montag saying that he wished Scalise had been killed - they immediately justify it by citing some Crime of The Right (healthcare policy is popular currently, and the grievance Montag himself used.) You hear it all the time from antifa supporters and anyone else calling Republicans “Nazis,” painting them as jackbooted thugs forming death squads even as they speak. Just consider select quotes from this HuffPo article calling for violent revolution:

"The rise of Donald Trump has exposed the frightening underbelly of America’s foulest tendencies. Our racism, nativism, xenophobia, misogyny, Islamophobia, ableism, and propensity toward authoritarianism have been laid bare... There’s been an upswing in anti-Muslim hate crimes that correlates with his candidacy—including several offenders who cite him as their inspiration. Another of his supporters beat an unhoused Latino man. Yet another sucker punched a demonstrator at a rally and then, more alarmingly, went on to say, “The next time we see him, we might have to kill him.” Treating this like politics as usual allows it to become politics as usual, and those who do so risk complicity ushering in a new era of fascist politics in the United States.”

It's often phrased as “turnabout is fair play,” justifying violence, coercion, harassment and other kind of thuggery and hatred on the grounds that “conservatives did it first.” These are the people who decry capital punishment as barbaric and cruel one moment, then wholeheartedly embrace Old Testament “eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth” rhetoric in the next. It's doublethink by definition, and as Orwell observed, the crucial prerequisite for enabling political violence. And like Orwell's doublethink, it's reliant on an overarching support structure of propaganda, cultural control and incitement to thrive. Unlike prejudice or bigotry, which is resentful, reactionary and bred by ignorance, moral disengagement needs an active social movement to incubate and reinforce the message, as a high school history teacher discovered when his social experiment (The Wave) to demonstrate the allure of fascism to his students took on a life of its own in just three short days. (And you thought fidget spinners were bad!) Violence incited, encouraged and enabled by an overarching social structure will of course mirror that structure in its aims, methods, and level of organization - and indeed, when you look at left-wing violence as it's currently conducted, that's exactly what you see.

Deliberate Strategy versus Provincial Bigotry

Republicans have their problems - if you're Republican and doubt that, you're either a moron, or one of the Presidential primary candidates that got their asses kicked square by a reality TV show star with a bad spray-tan. (But I repeat myself.) And those problems are largely provincial. Stereotypes come from somewhere, and for Republicans the image of the cloistered “flyover-country” hick stems directly from the “good ol' boys club” problem of provincial, smoking-room corruption.

We've a ready example in the Kansas budget crisis. One of my educated, intelligent liberal friends declared it the evil fruits of Reaganomics, the inevitable consequences of backwards conservative economic theory. After establishing that Gov. Sam Brownback tried to apply Federal-level tax cut strategy to a state, my diagnosis differed - I suspected Brownback of being a blithering moron acting with perceived immunity to public opinion only the Good Ol' Boys coven can offer. Five seconds on Google later, and I found a newly-elected moderate Republican legislator saying exactly that:

“What we’re having is a standoff with the governor holding on to the old days where he had all these people elected,” said Senator Barbara Bollier, a moderate Republican who voters promoted from the state House last year. “They aren’t there anymore, and he can’t let go and follow the will of the people.”

Plenty of people pointed out how Brownback's policies weren't True Conservatism and thus shouldn't tarnish it, but when people vote in a conservative governor who destroys the economy and state budget, you might say it reflects on conservatives, eh? The provincial attitudes of rural red-state Republicans do have problems, as the author of Hillbilly Elegy himself stated;

"Nearly everyone in my family who has achieved some financial success for themselves, from Mamaw to me, has been told that they’ve become “too big for their britches.” I don’t think this value is all bad. It forces us to stay grounded, reminds us that money and education are no substitute for common sense and humility. But, it does create a lot of pressure not to make a better life for yourself, and let’s face it: when you grow up in a dying steel town with very few middle class job prospects, making a better life for yourself is often a binary proposition: if you don’t get a good job, you may be stuck on welfare for the rest of your life.”

He also observes that it's at least in part a reaction to the sneering disdain from the coastal elites (which, post-Trump election, has become outright hatred,) but as Joshua Rothman points out, that logic only goes so far:

“It’s one thing to criticize a culture. It’s another to see that the culture being criticized is formed partly in response to other cultures, and that those cultures are, in turn, worth criticizing. This is why explaining human behavior is so difficult: the buck never stops. The explanations don’t come to an obvious, final resting place.”

This is the truth the “they started it” justifications of the left utterly miss and the one I try to remember. So I don't pretend that conservatives don't commit violence - they do. The leftists attempting enumeration of it demonstrate the usual stupidity, such as calling a lunatic that was literally eating a man's face off a “Trump supporter” because he was wearing a MAGA hat while chowing down, or the Uber Killer who claimed to be under the “control of the Uber app” when picking victims. You don't have to be a clinical psychologist to diagnose apeshit crazy as the primary factor in those. But just because internet leftists are lazy doesn't mean violent rednecks don't exist, and some of these people aren't just violent, but willing to ambush and kill cops. And some of them even form little terror cells and plot terrorist bombings. Oh yes - conservative violence exists.

The scale, however, is entirely different. Deliberate ambush murders of police is at a ten year high - and and it sure as hell isn't white conservatives defining the epidemic of murders, is it? It's minorities who - by their own admission - are putting into practice the violent rhetoric of Black Lives Matter, who openly celebrate cop killers as “black revolutionaries.” The right wing simply doesn't have a parallel to this - even when the gibbering lunatics called “sovereign citizens” manage to ooze out of their mother's basement long enough to commit violence, they don't come anywhere near the virulence of Black Lives Matter: “sovereign citizens” have killed six police officers since 2000, but twenty officers were ambushed and murdered in 2016 alone. Maybe - just maybe - it's got something to do with Black Lives Matter having slightly better PR than rambling lunatics on youtube.

Nor can three rednecks compare to Antifa and the anarcho-communist black block in general, who are a domestic terrorist organization who openly advocate (and carry out) sabotage of public infrastructure, have staged multiple violent riots across the country in just the last year to suppress their political opponents and have international reach, as they demonstrated in the massive riots in Hamburg just days ago. Three rednecks being led on by an FBI agent eagerly providing them with automatic rifles to entrap them, they ain't. It's not even unusual - right wing “militia” groups tend to be some middle-aged rednecks talking tough in a bar within earshot of an FBI informant hoping to justify his paycheck, like the “Hutaree” clowns whom turned out to be guilty of nothing but losing the genetic lottery. Even the Oklahoma City Bomber's closest encounter with the Michigan Militia was attending a few of their meetings (sitting quietly in his reeking trench-coat in the corner, presumably,) and considering that 80% of the Militia scattered to the winds once the tenuous connection was revealed by the media, it's hard to credit them as a serious threat. McVeigh's act of violence was so devastating to the militia movement's credibility that the militia considers him a CIA stooge in a plot to discredit them. Contrast to Black Lives Matter, which weathered the Dallas shooting without a hitch and is still going strong, if not stronger.

The most telling comparison by far, however, is the least spectacular - in contrast to the oft-cited racist or bigoted crimes against minorities, immigrants, homosexuals, etc., leftist violence targets Trump supporters. With conservatives, the politically motivated ones (i.e. anti-government militias) are all bark and no bite, unlike the racists and bigots. Leftists display the exact opposite behavior; their violence is overwhelmingly political, mirroring the nature of the social-political movements that provide them with legitimacy, support and a public platform. This helps explain why left-wing politicians are so comfortable with endorsing it, like Texas state Rep. Ramon Romero, who physically assaulted Rep. Matt Rinaldi before threatening to wait in the parking lot and ambush him on his way to his car. On the floor of the Texas state legislature, no less. Left-wing violence isn't just outlash - it's revolution. It's violence with goals defined by ideology. If you doubt, just consider who is committing the violence.

College Professors and Students versus Middle-Aged Trailer Trash

One of the black-masked Antifa members who has been arrested for his crimes is Eric Clanton, former adjunct professor at Diablo Valley College, who was videotaped fracturing some Trump supporter's skulls with a u-lock during the Berkeley riots. The masked Clanton was identified by the "weaponized autism" of 4chan (compare to CNN, which can hunt down and coerce one random redditor, but found Eric Clanton to be unworthy of coverage.) “Conservative” violence invariably comes from middle-aged  welfare-roll racists or flat-out skinheads, not otherwise-upstanding members of society - and certainly not the youth.

Nowhere is this more evident than the recent (and ongoing) insanity at Evergreen State College in California, where radicalized students have piled excess upon excess. What's most striking about the whole affair is how little I've heard of it - every time I hear more about it, new details are revealed that've seen scant to no national coverage. The latest information comes from a HuffPo article published by one of Evergreen University's own provosts, who just left the University this month. To summarize, students on this campus have:

Set upon a professor in an unruly mob to threaten, harass and intimidate, ultimately resulting in the University police telling him to avoid campus for his own safety,

Taken University administrators, including the President, hostage, complete with guards to escort them to and from the bathroom, all to coerce compliance with their list of demands - while the police milled around outside due to President Bridges cowardly order to stand down,

Until the President, who'd repeatedly ordered campus police to stand down, had to call in the State troopers for help after things got even worse despite his appeasement (they can be seen in the HuffPo article patrolling campus in full riot gear,)

And finally, the students forced a “community patrol” armed with baseball bats not just for “protection” from outside threats, but to intimidate other students who disagreed (there was a “scuffle” between students because some were chalking up messages to “get back to teaching.”)

But the cherry atop this turd tartufo is the lone death threat phoned in by someone promising to take down all those “communist scumbags” with a “.44 magnum,” who turned out to be - you guessed it - a 53 year old unmarried sad-sack racist with hints of mental health issues.

The conceit of leftists is telling us the last bullet point is at least equal to the preceding four, if not outright justifying the thuggery, violence, and coercion by dint of the grave and dire threat posed by some daffy trailer trash.

To reiterate, at Evergreen University, we've seen a student body, acting in the name of social justice and countering vile racists, go from mob justice to revolution to forming their own Gestapo in the space of a few months. A few months. This alone should give anyone pause, but it's not alone - it's just one more drop in the damn bucket of violence, hate and revolutionary rhetoric.

And that deep well of dangerous people has an unparalleled ability to recruit, organize, and mobilize.

Organized, Mobilized, and Well-Led

Left-wing violence has always been organized, or quickly self-organized; from the French Revolution, to the overthrow of the Czar in Russia, till the spate of 19th-century Communist uprisings that created terrifying totalitarian dictatorships that last today (including Cuba and North Korea.) Revolutionaries are violent by definition, since rejecting the legitimacy of a ruling state's laws entire leaves only one recourse for deposing it. To defeat a state's army, you need an army yourself.

Here is the left wing's army in action.

It's impossible to understate the severity or scale of what happened at the G20. The largest black bloc protest in history - enough to overwhelm the 20,000 police officers present - showed up and basically ran the show. They were even using social media to hunt down reporters that didn't agree with them - aided by establishment journalists. Click that link - the journalist describes how people were hunted down and beaten half to death because they were standing near her in the photo a journalist from a major German newspaper tweeted.

This is the power of the black bloc. They are an army, by definition. Consider, for a moment, what an army needs:

Young people, because soldiering is a young man's job - whether you're throwing hand grenates or molotov cocktails, you need to be fit and reckless

Leadership, because even a mob needs some inspiration, some demagogue - a Robespierre - to push them into acting together at the right time.

Ideology, because you need a reason to fight, a reason a lot of people can agree on strongly enough to unite, even if it's just a mob.

As I've established above, the violence-inciters and violence-doers on the left wing meet all these criteria. They're invariably young, they're educated in extremist ideology by extremist college professors (who set the example themselves, as Eric Clanton shows,) and they have a smorgasbord of left-wing voices to serve as demagogues, people who's latest utterances are on everyone's lips and Twitter feed by the next morning. But above all, the ideology - the political nature of the beast - is the most essential. Ideology unites, motivates and inspires in a way reactionary racism, resentment or bigotry simply cannot. Jews had been brutalized and persecuted for centuries before Hitler rose to power - anti-semetism was just one pre-existing prejudice he levered (along with nationalist resentment, poverty-born desperation and a rudderless young generation.) Racism alone isn't enough to drive wars and mass atrocities like ethnic cleansing and genocide. Consider the Kosovo War; the parties weren't just ethnic groups, but nations; a complete identity formed by culture, religion and inter-group loyalty - summed up, this forms a complete and distinct ideology. For racism to drive organized, effective and widespread right-wing violence, it must be part of a national identity - which is precisely why the Ku Klux Klan proliferated in the South, which was such a culturally, religiously, economically and thus ideologically distinct nation that it eventually formed a nation-state and started a Civil War. Racism and bigotry can prod bitter people (and the older they are, the more bitterness they've had in life) to murder people in ones and twos, but only ideology can motivate the young masses into an army capable of great crimes.

The left understands this - which is precisely why they're suddenly screaming “white supremacist” every chance they get. Racism isn't an ideology, but “white supremacy” is. It's essential to establish the existence of a sincere, widespread “white supremacy” movement in the right wing for their caterwauling of Naziiiiiiiii to be taken seriously.

It doesn't exist, of course. And if you look at the right-wing militias themselves, you start seeing why - they're a bunch of old farts, bored and bitter, fantasizing about how they'd blow away those government goons if they came to their house to confiscate all their guns. Not how they'd lead the Glorious Revolution - not how they'd stride into the Federal Reserve and upend the money-changer's tables before casting them from the temple - no, just how they'd defend Their Own Castle (Doctrine.) This is get off my lawn cranked to eleven, Ultra-Reee: Knee Deep in the Dad.

Young people don't find this exciting, sexy, or inspiring. And that's why these people show up at City Hall to scream NOT ON MY FRONT LAWN, but rarely, if ever, do anything violent. They never walk the walk. They're LARPing attention whores. Antifa puts on masks to fracture people's skulls, loot stores, torch cars and throw bricks at cops. Militia members put on masks and walk into police stations with assault rifles... so they can lie on the floor and shout AM I BEING DETAINED? (That link must be seen to be believed.)

The Bundy clowns are perhaps the perfect case-study - a bunch of ranchers with purely local range-related resentments that'd simmered for years before they occupied a government office, armed to the teeth - only to give up without firing a shot, the only casualty being a militiaman shot dead in circumstances shady enough that the Fed responsible was prosecuted for lying about the circumstances.

Compare that sorry dumpster fire to what Antifa's managed in the last twelve months alone - not only have they staged multiple violent riots in cities across America, not only have they achieved their goals (wider publicity and the silencing of speakers they hate,) but they're also forming their own militias now. Sure, they're just a different flavor of obsese LARPer at present - but that puts them equal to where the right-wing militias have been at for decades. This is where the right-wing peaks - and the left wing starts.

If you want to see where the left-wing ends, look at Hamburg, where the fires are still smouldering...

...and the left wing apologists are already downplaying and justifying it.

Clear and Present Danger

Now that I've documented the nonstop litany of outright, unabashed left-wing hatred being repeated by actors, Democratic party operatives and establishment journalists - echoing the open calls for violence and murder of conservatives - and observed both how quickly and naturally the left wing translates its ideology to organized oppression (Evergreen College), how that organized violence is already underway in the United States (Antifa's multiple riots across the country) and what these people are capable of, given time (the literal takeover of the entire city of Hamburg,) I want you to imagine how conservatives feel when CNN screams about a meme wrestling gif.

Or the New York Times screeching over cross-hair graphics on a map.

Or being told that those racist birther guys harassed Obama, so it's all a wash.

We've all been frustrated to have our friends rebuff arguments we thought were incontrovertibly true - it's only the normal friction between people. There's some things even close friends will never see eye-to-eye on. But conservatives can't shrug this topic off as mere disagreement, anymore. Using the tu quoque fallacy (right out of the Soviet playbook) to avoid admitting the problem of left-wing violence is bad enough, but now the left wing is using the purported existence of organized, militant right wing violence (“Nazis”) to justify violence against us. When you deflect or dismiss the existence of left-wing violence - or assert a parity with right-wing violence - you're dismissing a grave threat not only to us personally, but to the stability and continued existence of our democratic government as a whole. Everything I've detailed above isn't happening in a vacuum - also remember that California's begun forming its own foreign policy (in direct violation of the United States Constitution,) and the left actively encouraged deposing the rightful winner of the Presidential election by encouraging electors to break the law. The laws of civil society, the rules we all agree to follow, the underpinning of the social contract itself, is starting to unravel. The left wing is starting to look a lot like their own nation - with all that implies. And when we point to the sharp end of the spear; the Antifa rioter with a club, being pushed forward and supported by the entire left wing - we're scoffed at.

And that pisses us off.

Ere The Conservative Began To Hate

Conservatives have felt marginalized for a long time, because the left dominates so many of the important public spaces. It's not just the presence, but the vitriolic, savage hatred displayed against people who dare to speak up against leftist orthodoxy (and I do mean leftist, not liberal.) I've personally been threatened by a professor and had an African-American classmate stand up and scream me down. The tenured professor who threatened me has survived multiple complaints (much worse than mine) and my journalism professor not only took my screaming classmates side, but gently asked, in roundabout fashion, if I'd inherited my prejudices from my parents (all because I called Kwame Kilpatrick a crook - at least the courts agree with me.) Conservatives are used to being censored and cowed everywhere that really matters - in school, at work, you name it. And over the years, it's only gotten worse. We've tried to talk, and tried to talk, and tried to talk, and all that's gotten us is backed against a wall begging for “dialectic” while a screaming lynch mob closes in.

We're mad as hell, and we're not going to take it anymore. Moderate conservatives are about to give up on “talking” permanently, because it's clearly not working. You can't talk to masked thugs with clubs. Our concerns aren't imaginary, and they can't be brushed off - and this is the last chance for the liberals to engage with us and at least consider why we're scared stiff. If moderate liberals don't do this, and continue making excuses for the violent leftists in their own party, then the bloodshed that started on that baseball field will continue. The militant left will not stop, not as long as people who damn well know better are making excuses for them. And while our majority might be Silent, it's anything but cowardly. The militant, violent left is going to get more than they're bargaining for. And our last opportunity to halt this madness is slipping by because of people willfully denying reality. If liberals continue to ignore the problem, refuse to confront the true nature of the leftists sheltering behind them and allow them to keep pushing their agenda of violence, the blood will continue to flow.

[erraticfairy]

Podcast: Do Suicide Questionnaires Save Lives?

Should we be talking so plainly about suicidal ideation? What are the benefits of assessing our thought patterns over a period of time? Join us as we discuss the Columbia-Suicide Severity Scale screening tool. We tackle this sensitive topic after Jackie was surprised by a suicide assessment at a physician’s office. Rare trigger warning this week for a tough subject, as we explore talking openly about suicidal ideation.

(Transcript Available Below)

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About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from Gabe Howard. To learn more, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

        Jackie Zimmerman has been in the patient advocacy game for over a decade and has established herself as an authority on chronic illness, patient-centric healthcare, and patient community building. She lives with multiple sclerosis, ulcerative colitis, and depression.

You can find her online at JackieZimmerman.co, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

    Computer Generated Transcript for “Suicide Questionnaires” Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer-generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Jackie: This episode discusses the Columbia-Suicide Severity Rating Scale. Listener discretion is advised.

Announcer: You’re listening to Not Crazy, a Psych Central podcast. And here are your hosts, Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe Howard.

Gabe: Pay attention Not Crazy fans, right now Not Crazy listeners get 25% off a Calm premium subscription at Calm.com/NotCrazy. That’s C A L M dot com slash Not Crazy. Forty million people have downloaded Calm. Find out why at Calm.com/NotCrazy. 

Gabe: Welcome to the Not Crazy podcast. I would like to introduce my co-host, Jackie, who still has not seen the new Star Wars, just unacceptable. This is why you live with depression. You realize this, right?

Jackie: Wow. That snarky A-hole is my co-host, Gabe Howard, whose absolute lifetime favorite Star Wars character. Jar Jar Binks.

Gabe: Oh, that that is not true. That is a lie.

Jackie: Maybe that’s why you experience being bipolar. Because you can’t handle the guilt you feel about you having your favorite.

Gabe: I this is gonna be the last episode of Not Crazy because that’s so mean, you just can’t tell people.

Jackie: The truth?

Gabe: No. My favorite Star Wars character is probably like a toss up depending on my mood between Princess Leia, because a beautiful bad ass, and Darth Vader because, you know, I’m adopted. So he could be my real dad.

Jackie: I still maintain that before we started recording, everybody, he told me it was Jar Jar Binks and now he’s lying for the masses. Speaking of the masses, I was recently given my very first suicide severity rating test, and that was a bit of a doozy that I did not see coming. We don’t normally do this, but I feel like this episode might be a massive trigger. So here’s your trigger warning about suicide and suicidality. We are going to be talking about it in depth because of the in-depth questions on the screener.

Gabe: To put a little context here, a suicide severity rating scale test and one of the most popular ones is the Columbia-Suicide Severity Rating Scale. It’s essentially a questionnaire that medical personnel ask people to determine if you are suicidal, passively suicidal, actively suicidal.

Jackie: This screener was specifically was developed by Columbia University, the University of Pennsylvania, and the University of Pittsburgh in 2007.. But since then, in 2011, the CDC took it on using the protocols, definitions for suicidal behavior. And then in 2012, the FDA declared this protocol to be the standard for measuring suicidal ideation. So this is something that’s out there. And I guess I’m still surprised I didn’t know about it or didn’t see it coming. 

Gabe: Is this literally the first time you’ve ever been given one?

Jackie: Literally the first time and a little bit of background, so I recently started a clinical trial for a multiple sclerosis drug. So on my first appointment they gave me this screening and I was assuming it was gonna be your average sort of like, have you ever been suicidal in the last two weeks? And you’re like, yes or no? And then you move on. End of quiz. But it wasn’t, and it was oof . Some of the questions I just did not see those coming. It was very I mean, it does its job. It’s supposed to find out on the scale how severe you are in terms of being suicidal and or how much you’ve planned around suicide. So I immediately sent Gabe a text and was like, do you know about this? Have you ever had it? We need to talk about it on the podcast.

Gabe: You were like, hey, they want to talk about suicide and the questions, I didn’t expect them. And the first question is, do you wish to be dead? And I don’t mean to make light of suicide. I’m sincerely not trying to do that. But one of the things that is fascinating about what you just said is you didn’t expect the suicide screener to ask if you wanted to die. And this is sort of where we are as a country. We always talk about suicide in like, hey, how you feelin? And the person’s like, pretty good. Excellent. They’re not suicidal. We’ve done the screener. And when the questions are really direct, they feel like like they feel heavy on your chest, like, oh, why are you asking me direct questions about life and death? I don’t like this. And I understand that, they’re heavy.

Jackie: Well, on my own behalf. They did not tell me actually the name of this scale. They were like, we’re gonna do a C-SSRS test. And like, I don’t know what the fuck that means, but hit me with the test, right. And then she did. And the first question, as you said, is do you wish to be dead? That is also not phrasing you generally get from medical professionals. And I think that is really the root of what kind of threw me on this one is the verbiage throughout the screener almost feels conversational. It doesn’t feel medical, which is, again, I think the point. This sort of conversational colloquial test is the standard now.

Gabe: As somebody who’s been in the mental health advocacy game for almost a decade now, it is interesting to see how it’s changed. People like me have been banging the drum that we need to talk about suicide, using real words directly. We can’t change speech patterns. We can’t come up with, you know, the words that make people feel comfortable, right. Because nobody feels comfortable if they’re dead. This screener does do a really good job. So full disclosure, we found the screener. This is the nice thing about having an extraordinarily popular podcast. People tend to give you shit when you ask for it. So we contacted a psychiatrist. We got all of their opinions on the subject. We got opinions of some of their colleagues, both good and bad. But the first topic is wish to be dead. But they actually have the specific question. And one of the suggested ways to ask the question, I really love it. It says. Have you ever wished you could go to sleep and never wake up?

Jackie: That’s what I’m saying, the verbiage here. Again, if you’re not expecting it also, I just want to like sidebar for one second. First of all, this protocol is meant to be given by trained professionals, which we are not. We are not giving each other the screener. We are merely discussing the questions on it.

Gabe: And just to be very, very, very, very, very clear, do not e-mail us and ask us for the screener so you can give it to your friends. It doesn’t work that way. If you feel that you have a friend that this needs to be given to, please go to an emergency room, call 9-1-1, make an appointment with their general practitioner. If you suspect they might need this screener, please act. Just don’t act by emailing a podcast, act by getting them medical attention.

Jackie: So the way that this protocol works is it asks you yes or no questions. And it talks about in your lifetime and then also within the past month. So, for instance, on the first one, it would say, have you wished you were dead in your lifetime? And I said uncomfortably, Yes. And then it said, have you wished you were dead in the last month? And I said, no. And that’s the thing, too, is they repeat the question completely for lifetime and last month. So it’s not like, OK. But in the last month, it’s they repeat it word for word. So you hear these questions at least twice during the screening.

Gabe: Jackie, while you were sitting there because you’re there for a physical health issue. So you weren’t planning on dealing with your mental health at all because again, for reasons that we can never explain. Most people separate physical and mental health out entirely. So I kind of want to give like a round of applause to this clinical trial and this medical staff that they understand that your mental health and your physical health go hand in hand. You kind of bought into this idea. You were there for physical health. Right. So the minute mental health questions came up, it was like an extra whump because it was unexpected.

Jackie: It was a whump, indeed, Gabe. I felt shame. I felt so much shame to have to say, yeah, I wanted to kill myself. And later on, this is how I plan to do it. I did not expect to feel that. But then as I realized the questions were going to be quite detailed, I almost had like an internal pep talk where I was like, nope, own this. Don’t be ashamed of this. It’s not who you are right now and you can’t learn from it, they can’t learn from it, if you’re not honest. So I had to like pep talk myself to get through some of these because the shame storm was brewing, but it didn’t need to.

Gabe: Let’s talk about the shame storm for a moment. Jackie’s shame storm, because you have been suicidal in the past. So the lifetime question you answered, yes. But in the last month you answered all no’s you have not been suicidal in the last month. You have not been suicidal in years.

Jackie: Correct.

Gabe: And yet the shame storms still came a comin’, even though you were essentially answering, for lack of a better word, correctly. Are you suicidal today? No. Do you want to go to sleep and never wake up today? No. In the last month, have you wanted to kill yourself? No. Like these are the right again making air quotes. These are the right answers. And yet you still reflected back to all those years ago when you answered yes and felt shame. Didn’t you feel any pride at how far you’ve come?

Jackie: No. And I think part of that is because of the nature of the questions. And don’t get me wrong, I think that this protocol is smart. It is the only one that really measures the severity of your suicidal ideations. However, for me personally, being in a good spot. Going back and reliving it in detail was kind of shameful because dying by suicide is shameful. Just ask anybody. Right. I don’t agree with that statement, but I think that’s the go to an end. The person giving me the screener, I was like, she doesn’t know me. She’s going to judge me. Just all these like negative self-talk moments came up and I just really wasn’t expecting it.

Gabe: I don’t think that anybody ever expects to talk about suicidality. It’s not a subject that most of us gravitate toward. Right. You know, we started this podcast out by teasing each other about Star Wars. That’s the kind of stuff that people want to talk about, pop culture. Small talk is designed around the weather and the local sports team. This is a weighty subject. But as we’ve learned, not talking about these weighty subjects is one of the things that’s given these weighty subjects space to really do a lot of damage. People who are feeling suicidal, they don’t have the words, they don’t have the words to walk up to somebody and say, hey, I want to kill myself. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I have a plan. They don’t understand any of this terminology. And perhaps even more dangerous, even if somebody in that position does have the words, most people don’t understand how to respond to it. We tend to make jokes. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Oh, don’t we all. Wake me up when September ends. Ha ha ha. Well, everybody feels this way in the winter. The winter blues. We just dismiss that person entirely. This obviously cuts through that. 

Jackie:  We’ll be right back after these words from our sponsors.

Announcer: Interested in learning about psychology and mental health from experts in the field? Give a listen to the Psych Central Podcast, hosted by Gabe Howard. Visit PsychCentral.com/Show or subscribe to The Psych Central Podcast on your favorite podcast player.

Gabe: Hey Not Crazy fans, this is one of your hosts, Gabe Howard. Are you struggling to sleep these days? Did you know that a good night’s sleep is like a magic remedy for the brain and body? When we sleep well, we are more focused and relaxed, and best of all, sleep makes us happier. And that’s why we are partnering with Calm, the number one ap for sleep. If you want to seize the day and sleep the night, you can with the help of Calm. Right now Not Crazy listeners get 25% off a Calm premium subscription at Calm.com/NotCrazy. That’s C-A-L-M dot com slash Not Crazy. Forty million people have downloaded Calm. Find out why at Calm.com/NotCrazy. 

Announcer: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Jackie: And we’re back talking about the Columbia-Suicide Severity Rating Scale, which freaked me right the f out when I received it at the doctor.

Gabe: Did you feel supported in this process? Because you’ve described feeling shame. You’ve described being caught off guard. You’ve described being scared. And then you described wanting to do a podcast on it. But never anywhere have you described feeling supported.

Jackie: The person giving me the screener, honestly, it’s not her job to be supportive or to be comforting during this process. I mean, she indicated even a little discomfort with the questions. At some point, because I guarantee you most people she’s asked this to said no to everything. She was just like, boom, boom, boom, this is super easy. And then she got to me and it was not easy. Because the first question said, have you ever wish you were dead or wished you could go to sleep and not wake up? So, yeah, right. I’ve wished I was dead. But the next question says, have you actually had thoughts of killing yourself? Which I thought was fascinating because you would think it would be. Well, yes, duh right. But it’s not right. They’re not the same question. They’re different. And the nuances of the question, I think, is what makes this interesting, also triggering, terrifying all of the like negative feelings that can come out of it or hopefully if you’re not me and you’re just sort of like owning your past and your story, just willing to say, yes, this is what happened.

Gabe: I want to give a little push back on something that you said, you said that it wasn’t the person’s job to make you feel comfortable, it was the person’s job just to ask the questions and fill out the charting. The pushback that I want to give is this is kind of untrue, right? It is the medical person’s job to make the patient feel comfortable. And I think this is one of the things that gives suicide space to hide. Right. So the person giving the test is uncomfortable. The person answering it is uncomfortable. So it sort of feels like that rhythm of, hey, how are you today? I’m fine. I’m fine, too. In the meantime, both of the people saying that are actually in extreme distress, but they both assume that the other person is fine. This shows you that we’re not doing a good job of training our medical personnel, especially since I would almost guarantee that that person probably thinks that mental health isn’t the primary part of their job because you were there for a physical issue. And again, I know I sound like a broken record, but this is why we have to stop treating them separately. The psychiatrists that I talked to that administer this test, they’re a lot more comfortable and they’ve talked about practicing poker faces and they talked about the advantage of silence where they would say, have you actually had thoughts of killing yourself? And then they would just sit and the person would mumble and make a joke.

  Gabe: And just on and on and on. And they would just sit politely with that poker face and look at them and wait for that person. That’s like an excellent training point, right. Because when you’re uncomfortable and when people are making jokes, your knee jerk reaction is to like joke back. But then that diminishes the question. Obviously, I want to educate all the patients because I don’t think we have a lot of doctors listening to the show. Take this seriously. It’s a great way to gauge whether or not you’re doing better. The majority of us are in long term mental health care. We’re seeing therapists and doctors talking to our general practitioners. We’ve been dealing with mental illness and mental health issues for a long, long time. So having this in our charts and being able to look back five years from now and be like, oh, my God, I’m doing so much better. Like, that’s awesome. Right. But it’s also an early warning system.

Jackie: I actually totally agree because every time I go back now, they ask me the same questions and I’m in a good spot, right? So I say no to everything. But I wish that I had this when I was actually severely suicidal because it would have been nice to see where I was. And maybe then I could have said, like, look how far I’ve come. Right. So, question 5 Have you started to work out or worked out the details of how to kill yourself? Do you intend to carry out this plan? And that’s where I was like, oh shit. I’ve never really told anybody my plan to kill myself. Right? It’s one thing to say I’ve had suicidal thoughts. I really thought about it. But it’s another thing to say this is exactly the plan that I had and I told her and that felt wildly uncomfortable. She gave me a look of like, oh, wow, this is intense, right? Like when people give you a suicide screener, say, hey, how you feelin? And you’re like, I’m cool. All right. How’s your blood pressure? It doesn’t get into tell me how you planned to kill yourself. That feels like a therapy question.

Gabe: I believe that 100 percent of conversations about mental illness, mental health, our emotions, our feelings, have value 100 percent. And people say things like, well, even the asshole trolls on the Internet? Yes, it has value. It shows you what not to do. It shows you how not to behave. It shows you how not to be supportive. There is something to glean from every interaction. And we, Jackie, hate it when people tell you the right way to talk about mental health. We hate it when people tell us the right way to discuss mental illness, emotions, mental health crisis, grief, anxiety, because not everybody has the same words as Gabe Howard and Jackie Zimmerman. And we don’t have the same words as everybody else. When I was a kid, I described anxiety as a tummy ache, and I was shocked to learn years later that a research study confirmed that kids who have chronic stomach aches more often than not are having issues with anxiety. But my family did the same thing that other families did. Oh, it’s just butterflies. Oh, you’re just nervous. Oh, don’t be a baby. And of course, it was the 80s, so I got don’t act like a girl. Don’t be a sissy. And none of this addressed the anxiety that I was having and my family, they go all the way back to all of this. And like, man, imagine if we would have gotten Gabe help for his anxiety when he was twelve instead of 25. Like what horrors could he have avoided? It’s all water under the bridge now. But, I’ve always said that I want the next Gabe to have better resources and openly discussing these things is going to get you better resources. I don’t know that this was available back in 2003 when I was in the hospital.

Jackie: It wasn’t. It came out in 2007.

Gabe: Yeah. So Gabe in 2003 was kind of asked some basic and some blunt questions. Now, ultimately, it did get me admitted to the psychiatric hospital. But I read over this thing and I read the history of this thing and it’s an excellent step. And I talked to the psychiatrists, and even some of the psychiatrist that were like, you know, it needs work, they still see it as a vast improvement

Jackie: Hmm.

Gabe: Over doing nothing. They still see it as a vast improvement over the well, every psychiatrist just kind of figures out how they ask and uses their gut. This has a scoring method. This has a list of questions that you really don’t skip over. Right. You ask them all. You score it. It doesn’t rely as much on an individual’s provider’s gut instinct. And I think that’s incredible.

Jackie: Yes, there is no subjectiveness it’s still is on the patient to give honest answers, but at no point in here does the facilitator of the protocol give an opportunity to say, oh, I think they’re actually feeling this way. I don’t know if maybe some of the other screeners do that, but this feels like actual data that they are collecting. It’s not subjective and it’s measurable based on the scoring over time as well, like you said, which makes it a great tool, right? It is a great tool. It’s just when you’re not expecting it. It is a slap to the face where you’re like, oh, we’re talking about this now. We are like really talking about this now.

Gabe: I understand it’s scary. I understand it’s a slap to the face, but there’s lots of things in our life. That’s a slap to the face. There just are. Having somebody that you respect and somebody that you trust to tell you that your favorite Star Wars character is Jar Jar Binks is a slap to the face. But then it gave me the opportunity to explain to everybody that Jackie is an idiot and that Jar Jar Binks is awful and that allows us to work it out and move forward. The bottom line is, if we’re not discussing Jar Jar Binks, Jar Jar Binks would have had a much larger role in episodes 2 and 3. But by openly discussing how much we hated that character, he was diminished. And that’s what we want for suicide. We want suicide to be diminished and impact less people.

Jackie: It’s not funny, I’m laughing, but it’s not funny. It’s kind of funny. But yes, I agree. I think that the better tools we have, the more we make this something that people can talk about now. You know, it’s not supposed to be hidden. And I think that there’s a lot of motion among advocates and among patients worldwide to make this something that we talk about now, only because it helps with prevention, but also because it gives us something to learn from. And this protocol is a great way to do it from a medical provider standpoint. I just think that you should give your patients a little bit of warning what they’re getting. But if you are that patient, use it as a learning tool, like Gabe said earlier. It is a great tool. It’ll be kept in your file. You’ll be able to refer to it later. If you get this protocol don’t want the shame storm build like it did for me. Look at it as a learning experience and be proud that you’re still here to be answering these questions, even if they’re difficult.

Gabe: And Jackie, don’t be so hard on yourself. Yeah. It’s a big topic. You had a shame storm. You owned it. You admitted it. And you called a buddy. 

Jackie: I agree there is no easy way to talk about how you planned to kill yourself. There just isn’t. But you can own those experiences by talking about them and by reaching out to people like Gabe said.

Gabe: I like it. Now, I want to be very, very, very clear, if you are worried about yourself, tell somebody call 9-1-1, go to an emergency room, and tell your general practitioner. Tell a trusted friend or family member. If you are worried about a friend or family member, encourage them to seek help. We don’t want to sit at home and doctor each other. That’s not how any of this works. So please, please, we’re really serious about that. Jackie is in roller derby and she will check your ass.

Jackie: [laughter]

Gabe: All right, everybody here is what we need you to do: where ever you downloaded this podcast, leave us as many stars, bullets, hearts or whatever they’re using this week as possible. But use your words. Tell people why you love this podcast. We would take it as a personal favor if you share us on social media. Want to hear something on the show? Email show@PsychCentral.com and tell us what you want to hear, know about, what you like, what you dislike, and whether or not Jackie should die her hair blue again. Gabe has personally missed it. Remember after the credits there are always outtakes because it turns out that Jackie and I screw up a lot. We will see everybody next week.

Jackie: Have a great week.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to Not Crazy from Psych Central. For free mental health resources and online support groups, visit PsychCentral.com. Not Crazy’s official website is PsychCentral.com/NotCrazy. To work with Gabe, go to gabehoward.com. To work with Jackie, go to JackieZimmerman.co. Not Crazy travels well. Have Gabe and Jackie record an episode live at your next event. E-mail show@psychcentral.com for details. 

  from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2ZC52al via theshiningmind.com

[keywestlou]

CELIBACY SYNDROME.....A FLIGHT FROM HUMAN INTIMACY

Back to normal. Three hundred sixty five days till Christmas again. A well earned rest.

The Japanese continue to move away from sex. Would you believe! I wrote about the situation several years ago. It remains ongoing and getting worse.

Especially with the young. One study indicates forty five percent have given up on sex. Women 16-24, 25 percent of the men. One third of those under 30 have never dated. Most believe love leads nowhere.

Another study suggests even higher numbers. Forty nine percent of women 18-34 and 61 percent of unmarried men have turned their backs on sex. They are not interested in any kind of romantic relationship.

True celibacy. A flight from intimacy. In addition to not being interested, many despise sex. Hard to believe. Such is the case, however.

No sex creates a problem. A big one. A diminishing population. Births thus far this year are just below 941,000. The lowest number since births began being recorded in 1899.

Several reasons are attributed for the movement away from sex. The economic stagnation of the past 20 years. A continuing nuclear scare. The 2011 earthquake and tsunami. The radioactive meltdown.

The men claim they cannot afford marriage. Job security no longer exists in Japan. Job uncertainty does. Women do not want them.

Young Japanese women have entered the work place. Most are successful. Much demanded of them. They do not wish to have a job and care for a family. Too much work involved. They prefer dinners at top restaurants with their girl friends and traveling. The ladies can personally satisfy their sexual needs personally.

Women consider marriage a grave.

Talk about cultural change. What is happening in Japan is a big one!

Lisa’s for dinner last night. Tons of left overs from Christmas eve.

Stopped at Don’s Place on the way home. Wanted to wish friends a Merry Christmas. Spent some time with David, Frankie and Sandy. Sissy bartending.

Key West is recovering well from Irma. Twenty miles up the Keys, they are not. From Cudjoe to Marathon, the mess remains. Cleanup and repair moving at snail’s pace.

FEMA did well initially. FEMA has already spent $118 million in Monroe County.

Much that remains is for the State and County to do. Therein I believe lies the problem. Neither the State nor County expected the devastation Irma wrought. The problem exceeded anything they imagined or planned for.

Self-help still available. Homeowners, neighbors and friends continue pitching in and helping. The Federal, State and County must up their efforts. If the recovery is too much for the State and County, it has to be even more/worse for those engaged in self-help.

I worry. About war.

Marine Commandant General Robert Neller speaking to troops in Norway said war could come. In the next year. In Russia and the Pacific Theater.

In December 1888, Van Gogh chopped off the lower part of his left ear with a razor. History tells us he was a bit off mentally.

No wonder. As an artist, he lived off his earnings from the sale of his paintings. In his entire career, he sold only one painting.

Following the ear cutting event, Van Gogh painted a picture of himself with a head bandage covering the ear. It sold years later in the millions. As most of Van Gogh’s paintings have.

Difficult to find anyone who speaks well of Comcast. A difficult vendor to have for TV, wi-fi, and landlines. Service the worst!

Washington State has decided to take Comcast on. The Attorney General has initiated a lawsuit charging Comcast with misselling its Service Protection Plan. The issue who pays for service call bills. Seventy three million dollars involved over a 5 year period.

Go Washington State!

Podcast time tonight! My blog talk radio show. Nine my time.

Between Trump and world events, there is always much to talk about. I never run out of material. This evening no exception. The ills and misdeeds of the world exposed. Here and there, a story that warms rather than chills the heart.

A fast moving half hour. Boring the show is not. www.blogtalkradio.com/key-west-lou.

Enjoy your day!

CELIBACY SYNDROME…..A FLIGHT FROM HUMAN INTIMACY was originally published on Key West Lou

[heyembee]

To My Parents Children,

This post I have put off for years now, but the time seems optimal now to process on a global front. I have a social media presence I keep updated, I am very political and open with most things I post. However, I often keep my personal life and experiences out of the things I write or share as I am a pretty private person, go figure. Maybe it’s because I am a therapist at trade, and feel that by writing this I am somehow betraying my own confidentiality. It is needed, I feel I must speak my truth, and therapeutically I need support. 

I labelled this “to my parents children” which will probably be confusing as I am my parent’s only child. My dad had a brain tumor when he was eighteen, resulting in the removal of his pituitary gland. He wasn’t supposed to survive the surgery, and definitely was not supposed to have children. My parents tried for several years to have children, and had almost given up, when they found out on Christmas Eve 1991 they were finally expecting. They tried again after my birth, but no such luck. However, my parents were lucky enough to have many, many “adopted” children through my friendships with others. It has always been this way, and maybe why I am a well-adjusted only child (haha---trying to keep some humor throughout this). They have children from Kentucky to Paris, and now I am calling on my siblings and other adopted family for support.

As I write this I sit in an empty emergency room cubby as my father is put through another CAT scan, spinal tap, and probably numerous other fun and exciting tests. We’re not sure what is wrong, but he’s been very sick this week, and I believe he has been sick for some time now. Including myself and my mom. The “long sickness” is an emotional and mental corrosion that has been amassing now for about three years. Now, I don’t want the next few paragraphs to be a sob story, and I want to try and tell it as neutrally as possible, but I’m only human and this is somewhat of an internal processing and purge for myself.

I grew up next door to my grandparents. I spent every day there, we had a routine. Mom or dad would take me a few feet next door, I would wiggle back in bed between my grandparents and try to go back to sleep in-between all of their snoring. Pops would get up, make breakfast and we would watch Andy Griffith and the Price is Right with our eggs, bacon, and dunk a cinnamon twist in black coffee. This is emblazoned into my mind. Every day for years. I am not going to write down the countless other memories I have because this post would be extremely long, and I already hope I have not lost your interest. That’s for my memoir, let’s call it: “A Trip Down Bowling Lane.”

Flash-forward to college. Pops became ill, and passed away my sophomore year (2011). After that my grandma was never really the same, and she began losing a lot of her own memory and slipped away from us in 2014. I grieved, of course, but did not expect my family to fall apart after my grandma passed. But it did. I remember driving to class—Elet Hall at Xavier because who wants to walk those stairs—and parking. I got a call from my mom saying that they had just been notified that my grandparents will had changed. My dad and I were supposed to inherit the house next door as Pops had built both houses and intended it to go to my dad and me. He wanted me to be able to live next door and take care of my parents, just as they had done. This change was unexpected, and even more devastating when my dad’s sisters, my aunts, tried to convince us that their mother wanted the change.

I am not going to go into details of the strenuous, and heartbreaking lawsuit that has wrapped its grips around our throats for years and won’t let us go, but I will say it has absolutely broken my family and left permanent marks on us. I lost an entire side of my family. Four aunts and uncles, over ten cousins, and so on and so forth. I have come to accept that loss. I was always a black sheep in the family, but for my dad it has been devastating to watch the depression overtake him. He lost his sisters. Over a house. Over things I so much want to cry and kick and scream over because to see my dad so disheartened breaks my own heart. Not only was he betrayed and made an outcast by his family, but he also stands to lose his livelihood as well; the garage which he runs the lawncare business out of is on the same plot of land as the house. Family is supposed to support, love, care, and sometimes knock you down but not to the extent in which they have transformed the biggest teddy bear I know into a brokenhearted, fragile man.

This is why I am calling on my adopted family now. The family whom I have gotten countless calls from in the past few days asking me if they could do anything for my parents and me. There is something you can do. First of all, tell the people you love and care for how much they mean to you. Since I first started writing this piece (it’s been hard for me to want to finish this after I started it, but I’m sticking to it) my dad has been in the hospital for almost a week without any answers still. We hope he is released tomorrow, but he will still have to be bedridden for the next ten days and receive antibiotics three times a day. It’s frustrating not having a name to call whatever this is, but we will overcome. We always have, we always will, but sometimes we need help and support.

If you have gotten to this point in my writing, I want to ask something of you. I would like letters, cards, drawings, inspiration, whatever you can think of that would ignite a spark in someone who others have so callously tried to put out for some time now. Help my dad burn brighter against others who wish him ill. I want to shine a light of positivity so bright that the others who have hurt him retreat into darkness. So, please help me shine that light for my dad.

I don’t want anyone to feel indebted to do this, but if you feel the need, please reach out to me through Facebook or email (bowlingm3@gmail.com) and I’ll give you information on where you can send your warm wishes, prayers, positive vibes, whatever you want to call it, and thank you.

[char27martin]

I Landed 4 Book Deals in 1 Year With No Agent: Here’s How I Did It

The year 2016 was a banner year for me: I got four book deals with four different publishers! Three of those books were published in 2017, with the fourth scheduled for a spring 2018 release. It’s been an exciting ride, but also a complicated one: juggling several projects in various stages of production over the past year. There were many times when I had to clear my head to be sure I was responding to the right editor about the right project and keeping up with overlapping deadlines. Here’s how it all unfolded, and how I stayed sane throughout it all:

This guest post is by Susan Cushman. Cushman was co-director of the 2010 and 2013 Creative Nonfiction Conferences in Oxford, Mississippi, and director of the 2011 Memphis Creative Nonfiction Workshop. In addition to having over a dozen essays published in various anthologies, journals, and magazines, Cushman has authored two books and edited two, including Tangles and Plaques: A Mother and Daughter Face Alzheimer’s (eLectio Publishing, February 2017), A Second Blooming: Becoming the Women We Are Meant to Be (Mercer University Press, March 2017), author, Cherry Bomb, a novel (Dogwood Press, July 2017), Southern Writers on Writing (University Press of Mississippi, 2018). A native of Jackson, Mississippi, Cushman has lived in Memphis, Tenn. since 1988.

Book Deal 1: Cherry Bomb, my novel, was conceived about seven years ago. I had written my first novel a couple of years earlier, but it ended up on a shelf in my closet. One of the characters in that novel wouldn’t keep quiet, and she reappeared as Mare, the graffiti artist protagonist in Cherry Bomb. Once I completed the manuscript, I hired a freelance editor and also got feedback from several published authors who graciously served as early readers. Finally I was ready to find a literary agent to represent me and get me a book deal with one of the Big Five houses.

That’s when it all went a little sideways.

I spent six months querying roughly 75 literary agents. I did my homework—finding agents who represented books with similar themes as mine, or whose readers might also like my book. About 25 of them asked to see the full manuscript and complimented my writing style, which was encouraging. Then the rejections came. Most said things like “I can’t figure out to market this book,” or “I can’t find a niche for this.” Finally, an agent said she loved the book and wanted to work with me. She had represented a famous author whose book was full of art and religious overtones, like Cherry Bomb, so I thought it was a match made in heaven—until she started sending it to different editors (and charging me about $750 each time) who not only disagreed with each other, but who were trying to move the book in directions I didn’t want it to go. The agent was pushing me strongly toward the commercial fiction genre, while I was trying to hold onto what I hoped would be literary fiction. When she asked to send it to a third editor for another revision, I parted ways with her. It wasn’t an easy decision, as I felt I was leaving behind my dreams for a big book deal.

I only spent a few weeks querying agents again—maybe about 25 this time—before making the decision to look for an independent press that didn’t require agent representation. Researching my options online and through social media contacts, I eventually connected with Joe Lee of Dogwood Press, who had served on a panel at a writing conference I helped direct a few years ago. We signed a contract to publish my novel in July 2017.

During this lengthy process of birthing a novel, there were periods of relative inactivity that drove me crazy. Hence, I always had several varied projects in the back of my mind at the same time. I’m sure a single publisher would never have contracted me for such a wide-ranging mix of overlapping books, and I also tried not to talk too much about each deal with the other publishers. But having multiple projects in the hopper at once help eased my anxiety in the waiting periods.

Book Deal 2: Tangles and Plaques: A Mother and Daughter Face Alzheimer’s (eLectio Publishing, February 2017) had a completely different type of genesis. From 2008­–2016, I wrote 60 posts on my blog, Pen and Palette, about caregiving for my mother, who died from Alzheimer’s last May. A few months before her death, while I was still trying to find a publishing home for Cherry Bomb, I got the idea to collect those posts into a memoir/essay collection. I again did some online research into small presses. I got a quick response from eLectio Publishing in Little Elm, Texas, and the process was smooth and fast. They allowed me to include lots of photographs and, as with Dogwood Press, I was able to suggest artwork for the cover. They don’t have a publicity director, but marketing is something I actually enjoy, so I was off and running with more than a dozen events from March–May.

Book Deal 3: A Second Blooming: Becoming the Women We Are Meant to Be (Mercer University Press, March 2017) “bloomed” in the midst of my work on the first two projects. Three of my essays had been published in anthologies between 2012 and 2015, and I love the genre. So I decided to try my hand at putting together a collection. I invited twenty women to contribute (and they all said yes!) their stories of “second bloomings” after loss, illness, divorce, or in second careers, second marriages, or second “lives.” All of the contributors were published authors, including a few well-known ones, so this time I decided to query academic presses. In addition to Mercer University Press’ stellar reputation, I think it was their director Marc Jolley’s words that won me over: “If you don’t let us publish this, I’m still going to buy it for my wife!”

A Second Blooming is now in its third printing, and I had a ball visiting the hometowns (and states) of many of its authors for readings and signings with them at their local booksellers. At one point, one publisher expressed concern that marketing these books so close together was going to be a problem—that I would use up my reader base and wear out my welcome at bookstores. I’ve been amazed at how many bookstores have welcomed me back multiple times, and how many readers have come out for more than one of my events.  (There was only one situation that I wish I could go back and change: One of the premiere bookstores welcomed me for two events, but not for a third in the same year. The third book was my novel—the project I cared the most about—so I was disappointed at not being able to have a reading at this particular store for the novel. I should have discussed all three books with the store manager at the beginning of the year, and I would have probably been given the choice of which two I could have readings for.)

Book Deal 4: Southern Writers on Writing, my fourth book deal of 2016, was another product of those “slow weeks” between deadlines with the other three presses. (Yes, even with three books in the works you’ll still have slow weeks!) Having had so much fun and success with A Second Blooming, I wanted to create another anthology. This time I invited 26 southern authors (13 men and 13 women) to contribute to a book by southern writers about writing. Since I’m from Jackson, Mississippi, and went to school at the University of Mississippi, I decided to query the University Press of Mississippi. Fortunately they were interested right away, so I didn’t have to spend time looking for a publisher.

Working on two anthologies was a bit tricky, in that I would sometimes forget which contributors went with which book. I even sent an email to the wrong publisher once, with concerns about reprint rights for a previously published piece that we were including. Fortunately, she just laughed it off.

I keep hard copies of everything in file folders right next to my desk. When I’m finished working with some aspect of one project, I put that file folder away and get out another one to work on. It’s a form of physical compartmentalizing, and it helps keep me organized. I also keep a physical calendar on my desk (I don’t use an electronic one) and clearly mark each day’s deadlines, reminders, and appointments. This is crucial with so many marketing events overlapping with deadlines for editing, follow-up emails and calls to media folks and booksellers. These are my best multitasking tips:

Keep hard copies of all paperwork for each project in separate file folders on or near your desk. Put each one away when working with the contents of another one.

Be diligent with your calendar, whether you use electronic or handwritten format. Clearly mark all deadlines (I use lots of red ink and stars and yellow highlights) for each project.

Treat each project with respect—don’t hurry through what you might consider less pleasant tasks on one book to get to something that’s more fun on another project. This is tempting—I, for one, much prefer marketing and final editing to first drafts and heavy revisions—but you must stay disciplined.

Consider spacing the projects out a bit more than I’ve done. Two weeks apart for the release of my first two books was a bit tight. In retrospect, three to six months between projects might have been better. On the other hand, you don’t want to lose momentum when you’re excited about your work!

And yes—I’m already working on a fifth book. My first instinct was to write another novel, and I still may do that at some point, but for now I’m putting together another essay collection. This time the essays are all mine, and they reflect most of the important areas of my life: art, spirituality, mental health, family/adoption, and sexual abuse. When I started gathering all my essays—previously published and not-yet-published—I discovered I have over 55,000 words ready to be organized into a book. My publishing plan might surprise you, given the story you’ve just read: I plan to query literary agents for this one.

(To follow my journey, subscribe to my blog to find out what happens, friend me on Facebook, or follow me on Twitter. I’d love to e-meet you!)

    The post I Landed 4 Book Deals in 1 Year With No Agent: Here’s How I Did It appeared first on WritersDigest.com.

from Writing Editor Blogs – WritersDigest.com http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/there-are-no-rules/landed-4-book-deals-1-year-no-agent-heres

[picardonhealth]

Canadian Rhena Bliss was missing in plain sight, for 36 years

ANDRÉ PICARD,  THE GLOBE AND MAIL

THURSDAY, DEC. 29, 2016 

HABITANT, N.S. - Sometime in the spring of 1975, Rhena Bliss, a 29-year-old mother of two, was discharged from the Provincial Mental Hospital in Ponoka, Alta.

She took all her worldly possessions, packed neatly into an antique ribbed travel trunk, deposited it in an apartment she had rented in Edmonton, and disappeared.

Rhena was not seen again by her family members until 2011.

What happened during those 36 years is still largely a mystery. In the predigital age, people left a lot fewer footprints behind, and – penniless and suffering from severe, untreated schizophrenia – she likely lived on the margins of society.

But that Rhena survived for so long and emerged relatively unscathed, offers a glimmer of hope to the countless families who have lost loved ones to the streets, to the indifference of the social-welfare and justice systems, and to the even more frightening alternatives.

At the same time, the fact that Rhena was living in plain sight, clearly ill, and no one went looking for her family, points to some big holes in how missing-person cases are handled.

Before delving into what happened when Rhena was lost, however, it’s worth marvelling at how she was found.

Beverley Bliss, her younger sister, calls it the “fortunate convergence of persistence, technology, political will and faithful friends.”

Sometimes, for simplicity sake, she simply calls it a miracle.

Bev and her sister were always close, and the disappearance affected her profoundly.

“When a person goes missing, it’s not a dramatic, traumatic event; it’s a slow gnawing absence that’s always there. It’s like being haunted,” she says.

The ghost of sister lost visited often. Bev was long plagued by insomnia and, on many a sleepless night, she would surf the web, looking for clues to Rhena’s fate.

“I would read the death notices, google her name, her married name, variations on her name, all kinds of stuff,” Bev says.

Then one night, in 2010, after years of surfing futility, Rhena’s name popped up on the Alberta Missing Persons website. After numerous human remains were discovered near Edmonton, the RCMP created Project KARE, and, over time, posted some cold cases. (In the wake of the Robert Pickton mass murders and the growing attention to missing and murdered indigenous women, that pilot project morphed into a permanent National Centre for Missing Persons and Unidentified Remains.

Bev contacted the RCMP, provided a photo of her sister and thanked them for their diligence.

What she didn’t know at the time was that Rhena was living in Ottawa, in a shelter for homeless women, and she had been since 1995.

One of the social workers at that facility, Cornerstone Housing For Women, also had the habit of surfing the Web, looking for information about residents, many of whom, like Rhena, suffered from mental illness and didn’t really know if they had family.

She too stumbled across the RCMP Missing Persons website and, when she saw the photo, recognized Rhena immediately.

Police took some time to do their due diligence, trying to confirm that the woman in the shelter really was Rhena Bliss, and, in October, 2011, called Bev.

“We think we found your sister,” was the matter-of-fact message Bev received from Edmonton Police.

“There was no crying or anything. It was a quiet emotional shock,” she says.

Meanwhile, at Cornerstone, staff members were unsure how Rhena would take the news, so they asked: “Would you like to meet your sister?”

“Oh, Beverley?” she replied. It was the first time she had mentioned having a sister.

The family refers to the 1975-95 period, before Rhena turned up at a shelter, as the lost years. The decade before her disappearance was also difficult. Rhena was only 18 when she married and, after the birth of her children, she fell ill, becoming increasingly erratic, paranoid and delusional, to the point where she ended up being committed to the psychiatric institution in Ponoka.

There were, of course, all kinds of theories about where she disappeared to, the most common of which was that she was probably dead.

Bev, who is a well-known filmmaker, says she was always haunted by a scene in The Godfather, where a sex worker is murdered, and the killer says: “Don’t worry about her, she’s nothing. No one’s looking for her.” That line always reminded Bev of just how vulnerable women are when they’re homeless or alone.

Because of her illness, Rhena could not really explain why she left or where she was; one of the symptoms of schizophrenia is confabulation – the production of fabricated and distorted memories, so it was not always clear when her recollections were real or imagined.

There is no doubt, however, that she spent significant time in Rockville, Md.; Rhena had a Medicaid card, a social-security number, a bus pass and a bank account. She also appears to have spent some time in New York, Boston, California and even Hawaii. The family assumes that, at some point, she was deported back to Canada, and ended up living on the streets of Ottawa.

When she ended up at Cornerstone, Rhena had no Canadian I.D. To be eligible for social assistance, she needed a birth certificate, and that required some paperwork and an appearance before a justice of the peace.

What Bev doesn’t understand is why such a request – particularly by a person with amnesia – doesn’t trigger some sleuthing, such as looking for the person’s family.

“Our biggest question was: ‘Why didn’t they find us in 1995?’ If they looked her up in missing persons, maybe we would have had 15 more years together,” Bev says. (She notes, however, that, until recently, missing-persons files were not centrally collected.)

The family was also foiled by privacy laws. Designed principally to protect women fleeing abusive partners, these laws make it virtually impossible to get any information on people in the shelter system. This is a huge barrier for families searching for loved ones.

And there are a lot of missing persons – 20,871 adults and 41,342 children in Canada in 2014, the most recent year for which detailed data are available.

About 85 per cent of those reported missing are found within a week, almost always alive. But in a small minority of cases – which is still a large absolute number – the mystery is never solved.

A case like this one – where a family is reunited after 36 years – is virtually unheard of.

Bev says the hardest part of a missing-person case is not knowing the fate of your loved one. “I really came to understand the importance of a funeral, of the need to say goodbye.”

Many families do, at some point, move from hoping to mourning. But Rhena’s mom steadfastly refused to have a funeral. She even kept the same phone number for four decades, in case her daughter called.

When Rhena reunited with Bev, and then other family members, in late 2011, it was bittersweet.

On the one hand, it felt like someone returning from the dead – a resurrection.

On the other hand, there was no Hollywoodesque catching up on old times. “I had to recognize that the illness had taken its toll, that the person I once knew wasn’t coming back,” Bev says.

It was difficult for Rhena’s grown children too, who had never really known their mom.

The family worried most of all how Rhena’s own mom would take the news. “Honestly, we were afraid the shock would kill her,” Bev says.

It didn’t. But their lives were forever changed, as the burden of not knowing evaporated.

Even Rhena, in a moment of clarity, recognized that something special had occurred.

At the end of their first meeting, when her sister was about to leave, she asked: “Are you coming back?”

When Bev said, “Yes, of course,” Rhena replied: “It’s not just me any more, it’s us?”

On Oct. 16, a little shy of her 71st birthday, Rhena Bliss died. She had been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer.

In the final months of her life, she moved from Cornerstone, the only stable housing she had known as an adult, to a long-term care facility, Garden Terrace Residence.

The family finally got its chance to say goodbye to Rhena, a lovely Baha’i funeral.

Yet many pieces of the puzzle that was her life remain missing, probably forever.

“I wouldn’t say there was closure – because I hate that word,” Bev says. “What we felt was gratitude that we were able to spend some time with Rhena again.

“It’s a feeling I wish every family of a missing person could feel.”