#have t like. lose ppl. and ppl dont have to deal with me

[itsalwaysdark]

whining hours . sry

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry

( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)

(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)

[nathanialhowe]

Dragon Age OC Lineup

Richter (Ricky) Cousland. -> Human. Sword & Board Warrior. He / Him. Bisexy. -> Lawful Good/Stupid to Neutral Good pipeline (still stupid) -> Romance: Morrigan but there was a lil something homosexual happening with Alistair for a bit if i'm not mistaken. In the end pragmatic and probably evil coochie won out sorry brother. -> Meat? There's heft. Really big. but hes like shy about it hes like omg? am i packing 12 inches of uncut beef? whaaat. ermmm. do u still like me? 😳

Ricky is ignorant, naive, a little classist, dumb, self-sacrificing, trusting, loyal, brave, spineless in his beliefs cus he thinks he's stupid, and will trust people in positions of power more often than he should. He likes it when people tell him what to believe cus then he doesn't have to do any hard thinking. This changes a lil bit in that he loses faith in a lot of the institutions around Ferelden and the greater world but he still doesn't like to do any big deep thinking about stuff <3 He's also a deadbeat dad and Idt he knows how to parent Kieran very well lmao. he used 2 be rlly uptight abt his appearance/cleanliness until oggie called him a stupid rich pussy and now hes like eh whatever abt being waist deep in hurlock cunt or whateever

Batman Hawke. -> Human. Mage. Iforget what kinds there r in da2. She/Her. -> Chaotic Neutral to Chaotic Good probably probably but shes reluctant to do "good" shit cus she doesnt really want to deal w ppl being like omg youre ms nice woman cus she's a bit of a self-hating poor who will not examine her freshly minted privilege ): I wouldn't say she's easy to manipulate thru appeal to pathos but if you're annoying enough with your sob story she will probably Consider. -> Romance: all of them like i literall had anders t posing in the back of the hawke estate while isabela and hawke rawdogged in the next room over lmaoaaa....Like canonly id say its like BatmanxFenris and Fenris and Batman are also with Isabela and Isabela is ALSO with Merrill. anders is there. idt batman actually recruited anders i think he got all intense on her and she was like damn lets ball ok but then he got too extreme and she was like dude im literally; strugling to care abt mage rights rn can you put a lid on it and then he was just following her around to mansplain why shes wrong. fair. she learned like nine new slurs from him. -> Meat? Biggest. like so big shes like which staff do u need tonight babygirl 😂😎 heyoooo and then gets left at the hanged man

Batman likes money and having stuff. <3 She likes beaing rich but she's really tacky about it. shes grubby and gross and is like im bringing wolfcuts BACK adn its like a shitty mullet <3 she goes into situations like ok explain why this involves me? and leaves while u r talking about ur missing wife or whatever. real "i dont want to talk abt politics at the table" type of shit shes on. i havent thought too hard about batman hawke but shes like passively suicidal but very cool about it and is 6ft and buff and has huge boobs and huge meat. she wants to be mr steals your girl but goes in for the high five at the worst possible time and doesnt realize shes actually the biggest failgirl of all time. i cant stress this enough she is NOT cool. "fake it till u make it" shes saying as shes applying 50lbs of eyeliner in the morning and shes crying but doesnt think u can see and she lies abt why her eyes r all red and says shes just smoking pot again. she should just be working at a waffle house but shes here.

Kronk of House Trevelyan. -> Another Human. Big Surprise. Rift Mage. -> Lawful Neutral to Lawful Evil pipeline but probably he was always a schemer and a social climber. -> Romance: Josephine and Dorian do not make me choose between them but if I'm being honest I don't know who'd want him. probably he fronts as way more kind and charming than he actually is and i DO think when kronk is loyal to someone he is ferociously so. but it takes a lot like that dude had half the inquisition hate his pussy so bad lmao. -> Meat? Yeah He's Got It but also if Kronk could cease to be a person and become, like, god? he'd do it. then meat wouldnt matter. (hes on some crazy copium) Actually he's thick as hell and chunky and all and is built like a brick wall but im going to be brave and say he's probably not packing a crazy amount like ricky and batman and if they ever found out theyd tease him abt it cus hes such an asshole lol

Kronk does bestieship with Vivienne and would destroy people's lives to see his allies in positions of power. he'd declare himself divine if it was possible. he's a self-hating mage and loves the circle. he doesn't necessarily have Faith in the circle OR in institutions but he wants to make it so they benefit Him and doesnt gaf about if theyre hurting other ppl who aren't in his #crew. (his crew is very small cus most ppl cannot stand this dude btw). he threatens to make ppl tranquil for the fuck of it and follows thru most of the time. he'll lie and cheat to make his way to the top but he wont get his own hands dirty <3 he loves knowledge and learning and power <3 he doesn't actually care abt money but he cares about status cus it will create avenues for him to pursue evil magic or whatever the fuck this dude wants. type of guy whos like yeah world domination sounds fun i could do that then he's in control and hes like FUckckkkkkkkkkkk im so bored. ok public execution time! or something. mostly he's a nihilist and doesnt have faith in his fellow man. he wants all the secrets of magic revealed to him <3 he doesnt like templars but hes like fine whatever we can deal if they wanna keep all other mages (NOT ME) under their thumb. "circles are great but u wont catch ME going back to mine!" type of guy. i resent that inquisition suggested the inquisitor was a huge Hawke fan cus kronk would fucking hate her new money ass. like shes just so stupid about things. ricky hates this dude btw their first meeting would come to blows and i think he was like morrigan can u just blow this dude Uppppppppp and she was like erm no. we cannot blow up the inquisitor and ricky was like farkkkkk ok. i just dropped kieran on his head again btw honey what do i do ):

Mingus R. Shepard.

Mingus.

[writterings]

UGHHHHH THE Yennefer thing crying all of a sudden about her infertility got me so heated. As a woman who doesn't want children myself, I thought I was finally going to see a character who yeah was infertile but maybe also didn't want children and was, idk, okay with that? But I was so upset they had to go down the same tired "you're "broken" if you're a woman with no children/there's something wrong with you". She's such an interesting and complex character and the writers did her d i r t y.

yeah god that pissed me too. i can’t exactly relate to being a woman who doesn’t want children, but like as a trans man who similarly wants my uterus removed because i don’t want children in that way -- i always love it when stories don’t make a big deal about ppl losing their uterus/being infertile and dont have them then suddenly want children (specifically from their own uterus). 

HATE the “you’re broken if u cant have bio kids and also all women want kids (specifically bio kids)” bc like misogyny, over used, reduces character to stereotypical and basic trait

yen was honestly the most interesting and compelling character. i loved her story so much, save for a few choice things. i related to her a lot as well and i just. love yen so much.

and yes. the writers. fucking did her so dirty

heads up (drug tw) i am still so high oh my god i love yennefer

[dolphin-enthusiast]

bună seara, dragă mea 🌹🌜✨ ahh i hope i wrote that correctly,, another romanian friend of mine taught me that haha, he teaches me romanian phrases in exchange for me teaching him bits of italian ☀ ah, so much to address no? well, i'll just start off by saying i wasn't expecting my friend to expose my problems like that,, i'm not mad at all, just surprised. let me first say that i am okay as of writing this. i have eaten and hydrated and have been taking naps all day, i am stable. (1/9)

"my older brother and other siblings have been taking good care of me, and two of my friends came to sneak me out of the house for a bit and bought me food. so i am fairly calm right now (2/9)

now then, about that person, it was just some texts i woke up to that caught me off guard, my friends are apparently planning to go after this person, even though i insisted on not making this a big deal, and frankly i didn't wanna worry you all either, i feel bad when i do. (3/9)

sadly i hear a lot of horrid things directed at me on a daily basis, so this is quite ordinary and there's not much i can do about it, i cope by trying to stay positive for others and be as kind/loving as i can since i usually don't have people to treat me that way, you're quite the exception, what i thought of as a stupid question blossomed into something i could never imagine, and i was shocked to see how everyone, including you, took to me quite quickly (and not in a joking way either) (4?/9)

i'm not used to it at all, so i mean it from the bottom of my heart when i say that everything you guys say and do means the world to me, i get overwhelmed with positive emotion when you all treat me so sweetly, i truly couldn't ask for anything more. that being said, i wasn't planning to open up about my mental health on this account (since i don't wanna talk about these dark subjects when trying to brighten other's days),, (5/9)

but i guess it's warranted now so hopefully you all can understand me better and not worry as much, i suffer from multiple mental illnesses, two different depressive disorders, an anxiety disorder, and body dysmorphia, some from genetics and others from trauma. i try to keep it on the down-low to not bring down anyone's moods, so i be as cheerful as i can. i'm professionally treated for it, so please don't fret. it really went downhill during the start of this pandemic and declined since (6/9)

i was absolutely miserable, and having dealt with many s*icid*l tendencies, self hatred, and lots of destructive habits, i was truly falling apart my sister introduced me to your blog sometime in january, and even though i did not have a tumblr, i still greatly enjoyed checking it everyday with her and requesting things from time to time, it's a nice escape from the world i live in, and after months of checking your blog, i decided to interact a bit more with that silly ask of mine. (7/9)

it really is a miracle that we formed such a bond, it's truly the best thing to have happened this year, i love having such a meaningful connection and getting to experience some positivity everyday i am completely serious when i say that you and the followers give me something to look forward to everyday, and you all have helped me to stay a little longer on this planet. i owe you all so much for that, so i still plan on popping up everyday to cheer you all up,, (8/9)

i could never thank you all enough, you all truly do mean the world to me 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 i can't wait to come back tomorrow with something more lighthearted, so please keep being extraordinary, because i'd hate to lose connection with any of you - from the bottom of my heart and soul, with much love, your local waifu xoxo 💘 ps: i can't wait to hopefully meet someday morgy darling, there's lots i'd love to do, so that's another reason for me to stay alive a little longer 💞 (9/9)"

Dear this is quite alot so i'll just start by saying that im flattered u greeted me in romanian😳✌️ i dont wanna pull a ghiaccio but although dragă does exist in this context it would be more like "bună seara dragA mea" but it really doesnt matter bc my wig is snatched and i was n o t expecting this ddhxhddj

Trivial matters aside, you shouldnt feel pressured into opening up on here even though some things surfaced but you did it nonetheless and im proud of u bc i myself would rather y e e t than talk abt myself and personal issues🤡🤡🤡 but aNywAyS let me start off by saying that again, you shouldnt get used to horrid things being said to u. Its fucking tragic that u get treated like this meanwhile all u do is be kind and care for others, but them treating u like that is entirely THEIR fault and u should never feel guilty for it. And keep telling others if shit happens (including us if u want) since we're all gonna do some good ol' as whooping @ the ppl that talk shit😤👋

I wont reveal much but just so you know i completely understand what you're going through and felt what you described in ur letter on a spiritual level, although i know just saying "i relate" doesnt really help. Its unfortunate and unfair ur goin thru this and yes i agree the pandemic did only worsen things (even for myself) and its really shitty🗿🗿im glad u at least had siblings that took care of u and made sure u felt better in no time doe

As always seeing u say that me and my blog cheered u up and motivated u to go on truly is smth like...w o w i never expected any of this to have such a major impact on anyone when i first made this blog as half of a joke lmao hdhxxhdj but im glad it helped u and other ppl so that means i'll just have to keep on running it😳😳😳 you really dont have to thank us for anything since we enjoy brightening up ur day and i have to ageee it IS a miracle how all of this came to be but thats exactly why its goddamn wig snatching ahsydjdkf

Also bro to say u have another reason to stay alive just to meet me....😞😞 Take care of urself bro

[bitchesbees]

Im doing this all rn cause ill forget lmao

Day 1: stats

CW: 115.6 lbs

Day 2: height

Im 5’2 rn and I like my height. I could be shorter tho like 5ft even. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Day 3:

Ah ribbies and small calves

Day 4: greatest fear about weight loss?

Honestly not much lmao. I got a wide ribcage and shoulders tho so theyre rlly gonna stick out.

Day 5: why do you wanna lose weight? Is it for you?

I wanna look like sailor moon bro. Im just here to look like a lil anime girl dats it

Day 6: do you binge?

Obviously bro dats called eating like a normal person LMAO

Day 7: do your parents know you wanna lose weight? How do they feel abt it?

Im a whole ass adult its nonw of their business

Day 8: workout routine?

Sometimes I go outside to walk my cat

Day 9: do people ever make comments abt your weight?

My best friend literally said I was their thinspo so thats great?

Day 10: whats the hardest thing u gave up?

Nothing lmao. I still eat what I want when I want

Day 11: fav thinspo blog?

Mine

Day 12: what do you normally eat?

Breakfast:

one of these: yogurt but I dont like it so I dont have it a lot, toast+sunflower seed butter+honey, black coffee (eww), breakfast fried rice, or nothing

Lunch:

Usually nothing or I might go out with friends n eat with them if they invite me

Dinner:

Last night I had curry and rice :) . Its rlly just whatever I or my partner makes. I jus dont eat too much

Snacks:

Naan, kimchi and rice, avacados, fruit, stuff like that

Day 13: are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?

I like to think im doing it in a healthy way :^)

Day 14: whats your UGW (ultimate goal weight)?

First UGW: 105lbs

Second: 90lbs

Last: 80 lbs

Day 15: are you vegan/vegitarian? Would you ever be?

FIAJJFJAJF N O. like yeah meat has a lot of calories but I live for salmon and pork its tastey :)!!! (If u are vegan/vegetarian dats great!! You do u <3)

Day 16: when did you first decide to lose weight?

Idk but ive been anorexic since middle school so 7th grade ig

Day 17: do you have an eating disorder?

Got diagnosed with anorexia in 2018 and I had been diagnosed with bulimia in 2015(?) but I dont have bulimia sO

Day 18: what food is your weakness?

Poke bowl, curry, denjang jigae (idk how to spell it in english lmao), canolis, any fish. I like food n stuff I just dont like eating ://

Day 19: when was the last time you ate fast food?

Last weekend with my partner :0 it was mcdonalds and I got nuggets and fries. I didnt finish it tho cause I felt bad :^/

Day 20: favourite diet?

Remember back in like 2016 when everyone was talking abt the alice and wonderland diet? Thats was WILD CISJJFJAJFJ I think that ones really funny and weirdly specific

Day 21: clothing sizes?

s to xs but I like wearing oversized things bc when I run I look funny. Like an oompa loompa

Day 22: what was your lowest weight? How n why did you gain?

I actually hadn’t seen a scale in like six months (bc I wasnt allowed to >:0 ) until last weekend and I was 113 :))!! I know I got p small at other points but I cant remember the number. Ive been binging all week which sucks and I gained 2 lbs but its whatever

Day 23: did media play a role in wanting to lose weight?

Yeah. Remember 2015-16 tumblr? WILD TIMES

Day 24: how do you feel abt the terms pro-ana/pro-mia

Its DUMB FJSJBFJAJF. Like come @ me if u want but its so stupid to be pro [mental disorder]. Like imagine someone saying their pro borderline or pro bipolar. Wack shit n im not here for it. And you can say this whole list is me being “proana” but im not a big fuckin creator. This is not the blueprint LMAO

Day 25: have you ever purged? What was your first experience?

Yeah I was diagnosed with bulimia (not bulimic anymore). First time I ate spaghetti and I has noodles coming out my nose >:00 its was NASTYYYYY

Day 26: what exites you most abt reaching ur UGW

Being able to be thrown across the room easily :> possibly break a bone on the way :> sounds like a fun time deadass :>

Day 27: how do you deal with being around food?

😑 i am helen keller

Day 28: do you want a gap between ur thighs? Why or why not?

Yes and no. Yes because I kinda already have one and I think it looks cute :). No because my phone would fall though my legs into the toilet when im using the bathroom :( also thick thighs are kinda sexy ngl

Day 29: your definition of beauty

Yall ever seen a woman? Gorgeous. Beautiful. Perfect. Believe it or not women is what peak performance looks like

Day 30: 10 facts abt you!!

- my partner has a mullet and I love it :^)

- im going to cosmetology school

- I hate black coffee >:( I keep saying I like it bc its zero calories but its literally worse than spaghetti noodles coming out my nose. N a s t y

- I dont like soda either.

- I have a cat :)

- my favourite season is winter bc I can slide on the ground like a penguin

- I dont talk abt my anorexia a lot to friends n ppl around me cause its such a mood killer :// dats why im sharing it here lmao

- I cant count to ten

[jlm-syndrome]

Tw; suicide attempt, mental illness, suicide: I'm safe, everyone is safe, nothing happened currently or at any recent time. No danger, not about me.

I know I'm barely active on tumblr but after forever of not venting on social media, there is just no where like tumblr and its illusion of anonymity to do so. Like. Hm. I know many suicidal people in my life, you kmow, almost all people I know are mentally ill to varying degrees, I am mentally ill. I'm fortunate enough to rarely if ever feel suicidal I felt hopeless and self destructive and trapped. At height of my depression I felt like i understand why people commit suicide: because they really cant care about anything, and I got how they could do it. But I didnt want to do it, or seriously consider it, I just understood how ppl living lifetime like that without being able to see themselves ever get better for even moments, just . Going through life like that not like me temporarily do it.

My suicidal friends get actually suicidal not just like me, but I never felt concerned...for their life. I felt concerned for their well being, deeply, concerned that they are in a place where they want to die, where it's something they think about at all and sometimes think about a lot. Concerned that they are doing so badly mentally that they are constantly fighting suicidal thoughts to stay alive, but I knew, that unless something drastic changed with their life/support system/mental state, at least i was never worried about suicide I was worried they're suicidal.

And then theres my roommate :( and they're more than just my roommate, they really grew to be like, my family? They're an older sibling like, in every way but blood to me at this point, and we joke about everythinnnggggggg like everything like from their growing up in extreme poverty to like any of our mental illnesses and like whatever but with much love and never actual sting - and part of that is the fact that I know they are depressed/suicidal, even if not actively you know but, it is there. They couldnt finish lots of milestones due to paralyzing depression that didnt allow them to leave the house or even speak for a decade. But - literally. which is crazy because they're one of the smartest most educated & intelligent people I know and they never even finished highschool. So what there is to do but joke you know 🤷‍♀️ life sucked, we're here now, still struggling but vaguely better and very alive, most of the time (to both lol), so we genuinely support each other but we also banter - " shut up I'm gonna kill you!!!" "You keep promising.."

But the thing is, that this isnt the first time where it really hits me how close they were to actually committing suicide you know, I knew they were more serious about suicide than most of my suicidal friends but, it just, really hit me you know. The first time they told me about a suicide attempt they were drunk and it was very brief, making another point and also talking about something else, and I.. was really shaken. They didnt notice at the time because again, they were drunk (?) And I mean i didnt mind them talking, it just really effected me. But this time it caught me off guard again... they casually said something about moving somewhere, and I was like omg you wanted to move there I didnt know, and they were like yeah bc (but there was a friend over so they said nvm later lol) and then...I casually asked why they wanted to move and. They were like yeah bc I was planning to commit suicide and (their actual plan, not down to detail of the suicide they never say that clearly but you know, the atmosphere which would allow and how they prepared to it). And it's never said dramatically, or with more than a sentence or two but it just suddenly become so real. Like. I can see. I can see them planning to do it and I dont know how and I dont wanna know how hut I know that in at least one point in their life they knew exactly how, and if ambulance (and then police came too) wasnt involved it would have happened.

And then I think about one of my best friends who lost his ex roommate last year, she committed suicide and it really shook our community bc she was a major figure here. And he was only roommates with her for short period of time, and they were close, not as close as me and Jac are though. And ...of course, it was devastating to him, he didnt think it would really happen you know? Who does? He knee she is struggling we are all struggling and then it happened and then it was final and then it was too late. And I keep. Keep thinking in those moments. What if it will happen to me, what if I'll be in his place one day in the future what if things will go so wrong, and I'll be the one who lost her ex roomate but it will be so much worse because I'll lose my sibling/family...

This time they werent really drunk so... they figured I'm actually concerned and were like oh no dont...dont look like that I'm fine , shouldnt have said anything aw maya dont make that face etc. And they are. They are fine right now, and I'm not gonna make big deal out of this and I didnt I just kinda. Made a face and made a small joke u know and was like you're screwed bc if u had any plans you shouldn't have become my roommate bc now ur disallowed of dying: ever

.em k kwkkzkwls xanywayyy I'm fine nothing happened really those t hi bugs happened in the past and they're not in that place now. Medication is different life situation is different they improved ..a lot you know mentally. I just. Yeah

[drake-the-incubus]

1-50. Your turn >:3

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

I hope so! Hey @hero-of-bowerstone do you love me?

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

I’m turning 22 and have done nothing with my life. It depends. I don’t really know many 18 year olds.

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

Re-reading my favourite book series a couple of days ago. Menoetius please love yourself more my baby, my child. Also writing my last fic is probably sooner. Cause Xiphrus needs love.

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

Uh… how the fuck do people smile?

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

Uh yeah. He’s blocked and hopefully will leave me the fuck alone.

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

Uh not really. I have tailored playlists.

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

A t-shirt, shorts and underwear? I need to change actually but that requires a shower and I’m too lazy to get that ready :/

8. How often do you listen to music?

24/7. Unless I’m watching a video/video calling, I’m constantly listening to music. When I say I’ve listened to a song for a week straight, it’s likely the song has been looped… for a week straight.

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

Sweats, jeans fucking suck and cause issues I’d rather not deal with.

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

I mean the year already passed but back then I was going into 7th I think? If you mean the turn of this year, yeah I fucking do look at the world.

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

Anti-Social. I don’t like spending time with people too much and need a lot of alone time. That being said I crave attention from friends.

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

I don’t know? I’ve kissed a lot of people I have forgotten bc of truth or dare. Not that I recall.

13. What about ‘R’?

See the same as above.

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

No, and legally if I drive I’m going to be arrested as my learners expires soon and I a) have no glasses, b) can’t concentrate on the road to pass a driver’s test. Also why the fuck do people drive those, it’s… so unreliable.

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

If they’re not telling me to my face, yeah. If you have a problem with me, bring it up to me. I don’t like people talking behind my back. That being said, nah. Talk shit about me to my face all you want I don’t give a shit.

16. Are you going out of town soon?

I’m spending the next month in another province so the answer is, already out of town. I’ll be going out of this town quite often.

17. When was the last time you cried?

A few days ago I cried over Menoetius losing his fucking shit at love and then again when Joxeia was struggling.

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

Plenty of times. Then it got thrown back into my face almost the same amount.

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

Yes and no. If I could have full heterochromia with a blood red eye I’ll fucking take it. That shit’s cool and I still love it. Otherwise only to make my own centerlized-heterochromia more distinct. (Blue/Green Split)

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

My boyfriend? IG. I mean fictionally a lot of boys. IRL I don’t think I could do everything for anyone. Not my style.

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

I’m hungry and I can’t finish the series I’ve been waiting on bc scanlators dont have the final two chapters.

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

No. Ew. It reminds me of what parents are supposed to do. Otherwise why’re you checking my fever? What’s the point?

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

Uh depends on what that’s defined as. I talked out loud, verbally to my boyfriend so yeah. Otherwise, no.

24. What are you sitting on right now?

A very uncomfortable arm chair/lazy boy type thing.

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

My boyfriend. My friends. Also bold of you to assume my family tells me they love me.

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Yes, I want a lot of people. Fictional characters are nice, man. Otherwise kinda. On and off.

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

Staff on a server.

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

Yes! It fucking sucks because I sound like I’m dying MORE now.

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

RTX 2018 when I went down there. Wish I could go again.

30. Does anyone hate you?

I would think, someone does, I'm not the most likeable person in the universe. I secretly think everyone does.

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

I should fucking hope not. If there is my boyfriend is going to have to answer some questions.

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

That’s my favourite movie genre.

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

Ew no. Someone else does and I hate them for it. No that shit is… no. Good on other people but I know ppl who have had it and no.

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

Um… 2016 bc that ruined my life :)

35. Did you have a dream last night?

Fuck if I know. I woke up hungry and focused on that.

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Yesterday. My boyfriend.

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

I don’t know if I even want to be married, but given what’s going on if I’m not then my bf might cry? So I think yes if we get the finances.

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

Uh… my boyfriend. But otherwise? Yeah. I’m fairly aware a lot of people develop feelings for me. It kinda weirds me out bc 90% of the time it’s never romantic.

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Uh. Statistically speaking someone probably is.

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

Nope. I don’t really think it was a net good or bad day.

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

Yeah. We’re two years in September.

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

I currently share a house with my sister in law. We just had a conversation when I reached this question actually.

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Yes and that brings up bad memories.

44. What’s the best part about school?

I got away from my abusive parents. Got to write in class. Met some friends. Uh. Learned about many things, people who’re 13 and spent five minutes learning about, argue with me on them. I learned how to write and use none of that knowledge now.

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

I wish I didn’t, but yeah because I had to upload things for my parents. Including images of before I was out as trans.

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

Yup. Pretty common past time.

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

Obsessively. So much so I’ve caused issues. So now I keep fictional worlds going as a coping mechanism.

48. Were you single over the last summer?

Nope. Won’t be this one either,

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

Hahaha. Fuck no and im glad for it. Not with my parents, not struggling with other issues, not with my ex. Shit’s baller.

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

Probably writing a fanfic or planning a book. Cleaning. Could use a shower. Will I do any of these? Probably not, my boyfriend jacked my PC.

[karak9]

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

[unironicduncanstan]

hhh i got a huGE jackson lore dump below;;;

official age is 16 (i think most of the contestants are but yknow)

the setting i imagine him the most in is total drama island/season 1!

he has a single mom, shes a young hippie who had him when she was 17 (33 now). shes very supportive and loving

this sometimes backfires bc despite being a young mom shes just old enough that when she tries to be cool its more embarrassing than relatable. ie. jackson spill me the tea. the lgbtea. the mood. the worm. please, open up to me, fam. talking to your mom about your feelings is Lit. jackson you’re really snatching my wig

he figured out he was trans and started transitioning at around age 12, and his mom let him switch schools to find one that lets him identify how he wants and also as a fresh start

in the beginning hes not out to anybody but his mom and maybe 1 or 2 of his closest friends, by the end of the td season he feels comfortable not only with the rest of the campers knowing but being broadcast to the whole world as trans. im a dramatic gay who lov es lgbt self acceptance ar cs what can i sa y,

he owns a pair of brendon uries “ARE YOU NASTY?” shorts bc,,, ms Jackson,,,,

mom bought him these as soon as he chose his new name, of course

as i mentioned in the first post his personality is like mostly chill but with a competitive side described as [charlie day screeching sounds]

this is because he has adhd and he likes competition bc it lets him have a focus but the hyperactivity comes out majorlY

his habit of getting himself and others fired up is viewed as both a blessing and a curse by his teammates bc like yeah man win us a challenge but also [covers ears]

would be the guy that suggests they put on war paint to ‘get into the mood’ if theyre losing

he’s always the first to start cheering his team on

he has a huge phobia of water/drowning, to which noah is dismayed with because. “you’re on an island. surrounded by water. On a gameshow. With Chris Mcclean. What. Do you think. is going. To happen”  

he of course has to swim in a challenge and sinks like a rock

duncan grabs an oar and starts tryna get him to grab it while dj and owen are just yelling in fear that hes probably already dead. bridgette is the only one that thinks to jump in to grab him while the guys keep dicking around lmao

later when ppl do find out hes trans, the first person in the guy group to comfort him is geoff who goes “dont worry bro, its no big deal, i mean noahs gay-” and the camera zooms in on noahs face as he pretends to be shocked

duncans attempt at comfort is stating that nobody has the time to care about gender when theres a shit ton of money at stake. and that if anybody does care pummel them

owen is of course a ray of sunshine who always tries his best for his friends so his reaction is to just build him up with reasons why hes just like a ‘’’normal guy’’’ in his eyes. ie ‘well you wear boxers, you know how to fish, you can burp at least half the alphabet, that sounds like a guy to me’

dj is the most personally supportive one, they bond a lot over being i guess what you could call non conventional men? since dj embraces his lack of what most people consider to be masculinity

at first noahs like don t look at me like im your lgbt mentor just bc im gay but he absolutely becomes. the lgbt friend that jackson goes to for advice and kinship

when courtney and him become friends shes very adamant about reminding him to stretch/breathe in the binder and not fall asleep wearing it (bc he abs olutel y would and has)

him and bridge of course become allies after she saves his ass and gwen and cody just kinda work into his circle through other friends

assuming he doesnt win a season bc like. i gotta nerf him eventually right, his reaction is more calm than he expected considering how intense he gets about winning, it feels like a weight off his shoulders

he has absolutely no fear about going home and facing his peers now that hes out bc of the relationships hes formed on the island and what theyve taught him and im cryign in the club just thinking about it thansk fpr coming eveyrone,

[kittyinhighheels]

so- whats the deal with that 13 reasons why thing anyway ? isnt it like... just an entertainement thing like the others, that ppl can pick to watch or not just like the others, exept that it says "so uh theres real dark graphic stuff in there so know what youre getting into" ? like i genuinely dont get how hating it is different from any other anti rethoric, esp since... literally all medias exept fanmade/free stuff are about making cash ?

Feel honored ´cause I only got on my laptop so I could properly answer you.

My issue with the netflix show 13 Reasons Why

So for anyone who doesn´t know yet, 13 Reasons Why is the netflix adaption of the same-titled book by Jay Asher from 2007.The plot of the book revolves around 16-year-old Hannah Baker, who committed suicide by overdose a while ago. Her classmate, Clay Jensen one day receives a package with seven cassettes, each side numbered from 1 to 13. Clay goes on a nightly trip through the town while Hannah´s voice on the cassettes tells him why she killed herself - and what role he played in it.

In the book, Hannah was more shy and kind of introverted. She was new in town and her only “friend” had just moved away. Then she fell for a guy and put his trust in him, so far as to give him her first kiss. Her trust is crushed when the same guy spreads around the rumor that he was allowed to touch her breasts and make out with her and since we all know, High School is hell and now everyone thinks the new girl is a slut. She becomes an outcast.A little bit of hope blossoms when she becomes friends with two other new students and regularly goes to a café with them to talk about their problems. After a while, their friendship breaks and not only that, but these two friends actually drag her into their own fight and use her to provoke each other. One of them even pushes her status as a slut just to provoke the other. Her trust has now been broken yet again and she´s alone. Again.Her only safe space now is at home. There she can be herself and no one will bully her for something that was only a lie. But one day, she hears a noise outside of her window and gets scared. To prove if her fear is justified, she asks a seemingly nice girl to help her. They find out that one of their classmates followed Hannah home and took pictures of her in her room when she undressed, when she was just sitting there. And even worse, they caught him masturbating under her window. Her only safe space left has now been taking from her.As if that wouldn´t already be horrible, said “nice girl” now also spreads rumors that Hannah is a slut and it starts to affect her in every way. Guys who show interest in dating her only want her sexually and when she goes to a shop, she´s being sexually harassed. She gets more and more depressed and her parents are gone most times so she doesn´t really have anyone who she can talk to. She loses trust in anyone. Clay tries to be nice to her but she´s so far “gone”, she´s so desperate and lonely that she´s scared of trusting him or of him helping her. She has to listen to her old friend being raped as she hides in a closet out of fear. She has to live with the fact that she couldn´t help her and that a car accident she was involved in caused the death of one of her classmates. She can´t take it anymore, so she changes and hopes someone notices. She wants to reach out, so in a class she anonymously asks the teacher if they could talk about suicide, to see if someone - anyone - would catch on that it´s about her and maybe try and help her because she´s too scared to say it herself. But no one does and even if, she´d never know because one of her classmates, the guy she rejected after he hit on her, took away the notes she had in the little bag every one in her class had to give each other compliments and support. Even the poetry she shares with someone she thinks could be a friend, the poetry that shows her vulnerable side, is published by said friend. So even that little support she could have had was taken from her because the dude was butthurt. She has a mental breakdown in the hallway.Hannah starts to think about suicide and she gets so bad that she doesn´t scream for help when she is raped, she just silently cries. Her last hope is supposed to be her counselor but he pretty much victim blames her and tells her to get over it.So she is alone, depressed and has no safe places anymore. Every little attempt at getting help, at reaching out, has brought her ridicule and rejection. Side B of tape 7 is her last word “Thank you” before she dies after she swallowed pills.Clay, shocked about what he heard, sees another girl at school, an old classmate of his, and recognizes all the changes in her Hannah had just talked about on the tapes and decides to run after her to maybe prevent another suicide from happening.

The message of the book was over all that what you do and what you say to someone can affect someone in a lot of ways and at worst, can even cause a snowball effect. Justin´s rumor about Hannah being a slut was the snowball that caused pretty much everything that happened to her afterwards. The sexual harassment, the voyeurism, Alex involving her in his fight with Jessica. Maybe the only things you can´t blame it for was the car accident everything that was with Bryce. But if that one thing hadn´t happened, Hannah might have been fine. Everything after that took a bit of Hannah´s safety, of her happiness and trust. So she killed herself. 

I got the book when I was eleven. Bad idea because I had my ´till then worst depressive episode and the book didn´t really help with it. But I loved it, so I read it at least once a year. When I got on tumblr, it saddened me that the fanbase for it seemed so small because the book touched me. I could probably still recite the last verse of “Soul Alone”. Now imagine how happy I was when I heard that a book that influenced a major part of my youth would be made into a netflix show and produced by one of my favorite celebrities. They even talked to psychologists and mental health professionals to make it as good and appropriate as possible because they wanted to spread awareness about the danger of suicide and bullying! They wanted to make a show not only about mentally ill teenagers but also for mentally ill teenagers.

When I watched it, the first thing that confused me was the order of the people on the list and that Clay listened to the tapes over a few weeks. The order of the people had a good reason since she talked about it in the order of when it happened. Clay listened to them in one sitting while walking through the town and being confronted with people and settings that affected Hannah. So I wasn´t really happy about the way they went with that.

The second thing that confused - or more, annoyed - me were the characters. Hannah was rude and way more extroverted. I can´t say how many times I rolled my eyes when she “trapped” Justin in that bus and pretty much played with him. Also her entire suicide was played as a revenge act, since you never saw any of her attempts at really reaching out and you never really saw her getting worse. It glorified suicide as an “in your face!” thing for people who hurt you and made her appearance as a ghost in season two seem like suicide was anything but a long-term, definite solution to a short-term problem.Jenny, the blonde girl who caused the accident and I think was even the one encouraging Hannah to go on a date with Zach, was suddenly black and was called Sheri. Tyler was suddenly a victim when he was actually a voyeurist. Zach was a heartthrob when he harassed Hannah and took away her only real support at school because he was butthurt.

But one of the worst character offenses in my opinion was Courtney. Courtney was the girl Hannah asked for help to catch Tyler taking pictures of her at home. Courtney massaged her and later on told everyone Hannah had a bunch of sex toys and used her for her own popularity. She was the last real straw before Hannah got really bad. She had no real description other than “manipulative attention whore who uses people to gain popularity”. What did they make her? An Asian lesbian. They chose to make the worst and most manipulative girl in this entire story a mix of two minorities. Because that´s definitely the kind of representation you´d want as an Asian lesbian in the USA.

Now to the things that really bothered me about the show itself. As a reminder, everyone involved in the show told the media that their goal was to raise awareness about the consequences of bullying and suicide and that they had talked with professionals to make the show as appropriate and accurate as possible. A show for mentally ill teenagers, not only about them.Every psychologist and professional for mental illness will tell you that showing suicide and rape graphically can be extremely triggering for mentally ill people. Especially graphic suicides only invite copy cats. It´s dangerous and harmful to show it this way and everyone with an ounce of experience in psychology will tell you that.

I read the book prior to the release of the show on netflix. I prepared myself for the rape scenes, I prepared myself for Hannah´s mental breakdown, I prepared myself for Hannah swallowing the pills and dying.

What did I get?

Clay showing Skye´s self harm scars

And Hannah graphically slitting her wrists

I spent the rest of the night rocking myself back and forth scratching my arms because my mind only circled around this scene.

None of these scenes were in the book. Both of these were needlessly added to create shock value and drama. Changing Hannah´s suicide from a drug overdose to her slitting her wrists in a bath tub and bleeding out did not serve any purpose. It was unnecessary and only triggered those who didn´t know it would happen.

“But it has an age rating!”

It´s a show about High School students, specifically mentally ill ones. You really think teenagers won´t watch something about them?

“But it has trigger warnings!”

A usual trigger warning can be for anything from drug abuse to sexual harassment to death. They are so unspecific that the sheer image of Hannah grabbing a bottle of pills and the mention of her suicide could have warranted a trigger warning. It didn´t prepare you for anything. And again, for the book readers it was just a slap in the face because none of us were prepared for this bullshit.

This show doesn´t care about its viewers or about the things they go through. Otherwise they wouldn´t have done this in season one and especially not this “sympathy for the school shooter” bullshit they apparently pull in season two, in a country that on the day the season was released had a school shooting. All they care about is the money. 

Also, if you want a taste of its fanbase:

[skybirdkb]

Raceroom racing experience canhard r51

I will try RaceRoom, but the download will take some hours. On the rFactor2 Demo the FFB feels super weak i dunno The Clubsport V2.5 with Wheel+Pedals maybe 800-900€. Thats also with a belt and 2Nm more for a bit more than the double T300 Price for me. The CSL Elite Starter Kit should be around 6 Nm for 550€.

with the next higher price in mind i can deal with that if i get it stronger in ACC2. I´ve tested the GTR, F599XX and BMW Z4 on Spa and Monza, its stronger than in ACC but maybe not strong enough for my racing feeling. I´ve bought AC key and it feels better and stronger here. There are many ppl with this smelling problems so i don´t think its a clipping problem. But if i buy a new product and use it with factory settings this should not happen at all. i heard of this later and have not watched the red bar at all. I dunno if it was smelling that much cuz it maybe was clipping. What surprises me is that it felt a bit stronger the first days. Unfortunately i have no other games to test it there. the next step to Fanatec is a bit expencive I don´t know if i should send the wheel back. Unless i lose grip and throw the car off the track it feels like i can drive with one hand even if the FFB diagram is at high values. The T300RS should have more torque than the G29 or am i wrong ? I have already reinstalled the windows wheel drivers and resetted the ACC settings.Īnother strange thing is that i have to restart the game after tweaking the settings, if not i have 0 FFB and its all super smoothĪ friend of mine own a Logitech G29 and tells me that he has pretty strong FFB on the same Tracks.

Is my wheel damaged or is this a game problem ? If i use the 'Test Forces' inside the driver settings it feels much stronger i tried out some other settings like 100% in the drivers and 80% gain ingame but i dont know. Now a week with plenty of hours driving i am unhappy with the power of FFB it feels less than the first days. So to be safe i turned on the forced cooling mode. I´ve played with the standard settings drivers & game, from the beginning the Wheel smells like hot electronics/plasitc even if the case was not warm at all. I´ve got my T300RS a week ago and it was pretty fun to drive in Assetto Corsa Competitione.

[siribear]

sera and sunny + ib and eph

4:22 PM - iron bull is my precious son: my sister: after playing video games where you drive, i realized i became a worse driver because i keep thinking i can do all the twisty stuff and can hurt pedestrians 4:22 PM - iron bull is my precious son: thats sera tbh 4:23 PM - X-Reyes: everyone has slowly stopped letting her drive if they all go out 4:23 PM - iron bull is my precious son: t b h 4:23 PM - iron bull is my precious son: im sure they are really afraid shed do a hit and run 4:23 PM - X-Reyes: they are! 4:24 PM - X-Reyes: even with eph in the backseat like, 'sera i might be off duty but i'm still a cop' 4:24 PM - iron bull is my precious son: sera's like bc ur a cop and u have to drive boringly, im giving u excitement 4:24 PM - iron bull is my precious son: then she gets a ticket and ephs co worker is like 4:24 PM - iron bull is my precious son: bro 4:24 PM - iron bull is my precious son: what r u doing back there 4:24 PM - X-Reyes: eph is the SAFEST driver 4:25 PM - X-Reyes: he just has his head in his hands like 'i'm sorry' 4:25 PM - iron bull is my precious son: i feel so bad for eph bc IDK HOW HE DIDNT LOSE HIS JOB BEING AROUND SERA 4:26 PM - X-Reyes: bc he's the only one that can reign her in really 4:27 PM - X-Reyes: like so sera gets caught running a red light but at least she wasn't speeding 4:27 PM - iron bull is my precious son: id be surprised if she didnt get like 3 tickets trying to drive to a  7/11 to get a slushie tbh 4:28 PM - X-Reyes: eph's on duty one night and catches sera speeding to like a walgreens or a corner store 4:28 PM - X-Reyes: and he pulls her over ofc and he's like 'what now' 4:28 PM - X-Reyes: 'sunny's sick and i'm getting her medicine.' 4:28 PM - X-Reyes: and eph is just like :||||| 'get in the car' and he turns on the lights and they speed to the store and back 4:29 PM - iron bull is my precious son: IM CRYING 4:30 PM - iron bull is my precious son: i love their relationship so much tbh????? 4:30 PM - X-Reyes: team gay 4:30 PM - iron bull is my precious son: team gay!!!!!!!!!!!! 4:30 PM - X-Reyes: i just imagine bull and sera are excellent wingmen for each other at bars and try to see how many people they can win over in one night 4:32 PM - iron bull is my precious son: so tru, no one knows how the two most chaotic people met but there sera and bull are 4:33 PM - X-Reyes: eph's just glad bull doesn't get into too much trouble 4:33 PM - X-Reyes: that doesn't mean he doesn't egg sera on 4:33 PM - X-Reyes: but only having to keep an eye on one person makes his job easier 4:34 PM - X-Reyes: (and bull keeps her in check sometimes. barely, but sometimes. the last time she tried to burn a building down, it didn't go so well) 4:34 PM - iron bull is my precious son: i cry 4:34 PM - iron bull is my precious son: sera's like fuck u authority fuck u rich people but bull is like rich people suck but at least im getting paaaaaaaaaaaaaid 4:34 PM - iron bull is my precious son: so bull tries to calm sera down 4:35 PM - iron bull is my precious son: i'm hashtag sorry but i still ship eph and bull deep in my heart 4:35 PM - X-Reyes: 'i don't think ephraim's boss will appreciate you doing that' 4:35 PM - X-Reyes: 'effie can handle mr. tight pants' 4:35 PM - X-Reyes: 'not after what you tried to pull earlier this week.' 4:35 PM - X-Reyes: 'shit.' 4:36 PM - X-Reyes: i'll probably do another ephraim run where i romance bull. maybe. 4:36 PM - X-Reyes: see if i can deal with his romance 4:36 PM - iron bull is my precious son: ;) 4:36 PM - iron bull is my precious son: ;) 4:36 PM - iron bull is my precious son: ;) 4:36 PM - iron bull is my precious son: ;) 4:36 PM - iron bull is my precious son: ;) 4:36 PM - iron bull is my precious son: ;) 4:37 PM - iron bull is my precious son: it's cute i h8 the kinky shit but his romance esp with male inquisitors makes me go :D 4:37 PM - iron bull is my precious son: it's cuuuuuuuute i ship it 4:37 PM - X-Reyes: lol 4:37 PM - X-Reyes: just 4:37 PM - X-Reyes: sunny: iron bull? 4:37 PM - X-Reyes: and eph ducks his head and blushes and sunny just ruffles his hair 4:37 PM - iron bull is my precious son: C U T E HOW DARE U 4:38 PM - iron bull is my precious son: sunny teases her bro all the time lbr 4:38 PM - X-Reyes: she's def the more teasing between the two of them 4:38 PM - iron bull is my precious son: ok but come on. ephs face during th escene where the adivsors come in????? HOW IS THAT NOT ADORABLE 4:38 PM - iron bull is my precious son: i love those lil scene im cryin 4:38 PM - X-Reyes: that's my fave scene ngl 4:39 PM - iron bull is my precious son: SUCH A GOOD 4:39 PM - X-Reyes: eph is so vanilla tho idk how he'd feel about bdsm 4:39 PM - X-Reyes: it'd take him a bit to be okay with it 4:39 PM - iron bull is my precious son: vanilla eph 4:39 PM - iron bull is my precious son: thats 2 cute 4:39 PM - iron bull is my precious son: eph is really cute he's my son 4:39 PM - X-Reyes: lmao 4:40 PM - X-Reyes: cassandra goes to sunny later like 'so your brother and iron bull' 4:40 PM - X-Reyes: sunny: 'ah. i told them to lock the door next time.' 4:40 PM - iron bull is my precious son: /SUNNY/ 4:40 PM - iron bull is my precious son: it 4:41 PM - X-Reyes: sunny @ eph: am i going to have to make you a charm that locks all of your doors whenever you take your clothes off? 4:41 PM - X-Reyes: and eph is /morified/ 4:41 PM - X-Reyes: mortified* 4:41 PM - iron bull is my precious son: it's always sunny in skyhold 4:41 PM - iron bull is my precious son: i just love the facct how easy eph gets embarassed 4:41 PM - iron bull is my precious son: it's so cute??????? 4:41 PM - X-Reyes: it runs in the family 4:41 PM - X-Reyes: eph gets her back 4:41 PM - iron bull is my precious son: theres something super endearing abt eph/bull i cant get over it 4:41 PM - iron bull is my precious son: 8))))) 4:41 PM - iron bull is my precious son: well i mean 4:41 PM - iron bull is my precious son: sunny gets herself back 4:41 PM - iron bull is my precious son: she's fucking solas 4:41 PM - X-Reyes: lmfao 4:41 PM - iron bull is my precious son: thats enough embarassment, 4:42 PM - X-Reyes: just. if sunny's with cullen, and cullen walks in on bull/eph 4:42 PM - X-Reyes: or. if sunny has a crush on cullen and eph knows 4:42 PM - X-Reyes: and eph goes up to his sister (after she teases him) and he's like 4:42 PM - X-Reyes: 'cullen /did/ say there's nothing wrong with having a bit of fun' 4:42 PM - X-Reyes: 'you're terrible.' 4:43 PM - iron bull is my precious son: SIBLINGS 4:43 PM - iron bull is my precious son: this kind fo stuff makes me smile so big idk why 4:43 PM - X-Reyes: it's all so cute and fluffy 4:44 PM - iron bull is my precious son: i still cant believe bull is an actual kinkster 4:44 PM - iron bull is my precious son: sometime si forget bc i dont actively think of my faves sex lives 4:44 PM - iron bull is my precious son: but g e e z  e 4:45 PM - iron bull is my precious son: a fucking kinkster 4:45 PM - iron bull is my precious son: my son 4:45 PM - X-Reyes: lol 4:45 PM - X-Reyes: your son turning your other son into a kinkster 4:45 PM - iron bull is my precious son: all my faves are kinksters im happy 4:45 PM - X-Reyes: i can't believe 4:46 PM - iron bull is my precious son: im rewatching bulls romance and he si just 4:46 PM - iron bull is my precious son: so head over heels i love it 4:46 PM - iron bull is my precious son: he legit gets giggly 4:46 PM - iron bull is my precious son: /iron bull/ 4:46 PM - iron bull is my precious son: p l e a s e 4:47 PM - X-Reyes: lmao 4:47 PM - X-Reyes: how does that dragon tooth scene work out 4:47 PM - iron bull is my precious son: https://youtu.be/EQCekHf036o?t=9m40s 4:48 PM - X-Reyes: eph: sunny take me dragon hunting 4:49 PM - X-Reyes: sun: excuse me? 4:50 PM - iron bull is my precious son: im just saying bull is head over heels in luv with eph and thats the cutest i cry abt it all the time 4:50 PM - iron bull is my precious son: his romance minus the sex is just? too cute? 4:50 PM - X-Reyes: why do you ALWAYS do this to me 4:50 PM - iron bull is my precious son: he's so in love i cry all the time 4:50 PM - iron bull is my precious son: <3 4:50 PM - X-Reyes: amna: x is so in love with [sibling] 4:50 PM - X-Reyes: me: oh no 4:51 PM - iron bull is my precious son: HA 4:51 PM - iron bull is my precious son: but it's TRUE?? 4:51 PM - iron bull is my precious son: ok first how can they not love those kids 4:51 PM - iron bull is my precious son: but also look at bull's face and body language like come on!!!!!! he's always like <:) and legit giggle 4:51 PM - iron bull is my precious son: s 4:51 PM - iron bull is my precious son: that dude is in love 4:51 PM - X-Reyes: sunny and eph literally grew up with no one loving them but each other and now they've got so much 4:52 PM - iron bull is my precious son: they just had to find the right ppl <3333 4:52 PM - X-Reyes: an odd twist of fate 4:52 PM - iron bull is my precious son: and the no matter how far apart comes to play here 4:52 PM - iron bull is my precious son: dun dun dun 4:52 PM - iron bull is my precious son: odd twist for sure 4:52 PM - iron bull is my precious son: look @ who's in their beds 4:52 PM - X-Reyes: mama trevelyan hates it but oh well~ 4:53 PM - iron bull is my precious son: i will fight their mother 4:54 PM - iron bull is my precious son: https://youtu.be/EQCekHf036o?t=16m27s 4:54 PM - iron bull is my precious son: i cry all the time 4:54 PM - X-Reyes: i can't get over ib's voice i'm sorry 4:55 PM - iron bull is my precious son: LOOK 4:55 PM - iron bull is my precious son: sometimes i like it 4:55 PM - iron bull is my precious son: most of the time i loathe it 4:55 PM - iron bull is my precious son: but its my son! 4:55 PM - X-Reyes: lmao 4:56 PM - X-Reyes: i still can't get over cullen in that scene 4:56 PM - X-Reyes: 'do you see this?' '(covering face) no' 4:57 PM - iron bull is my precious son: cullen 'totally straight' rutherford 4:57 PM - iron bull is my precious son: cullen is me @ kinksters 4:57 PM - X-Reyes: eph totally teases sunny over it 100%

[the-firebird69]

we made it and they did not race and did qualify.  were frightened by the comments online.  tons were derogatory if we fail and if we succeed and tons of it.   and then this it is excitment the s way..and they fell off their chaires said it is we cant though not in the budget.   and pulled the plug.  too popular. now they fail and are way too high priced so  i want to make this bike, his co. doesnt.  and we dont want to see it.  and insist he ddoesnt have a company that does make the special old bikes and he sees special bikes. old and this would be small lots. and it is 400 mph and plus.  does go faster. trump no deal. and it is not a popular bike it is top heavy.  no.  and it is how you talk to us. Thor Freya Olympus you want old bicycle chains t o melt down we ahve a few... Zues Hera  i see it.  was nto thinking it.  nor the Vrod. andnope they dont have it.  why. trump we dont like it no.  we do have it.  it is a replica not knock off.  and you are not laughing and we have the VR1000 the desingyou stole and your cheese act is up. and we use it were and are. and you will fall. shortly. and your orders you say ad you are a daft shit are real butyou say the yare not and you believe they are not. so we do that for the inane call and trheats and lili saw us and stopped it is increidble they are aevery where then out.   and then this very fast.  we build both now.  werent.  so why ask.   Hera Zues and it was out of curiiosity.  and he says not a ton of malace there  your poor and weak. used and couldnt and threaten all though but heck are going down.  so i  say why.  it is a game versus you making them and you have all the rithst o adn you are i thought i am.   Zues Hera i am makng it and dont now who sim is accuse hiim day and night awe alldo and it is hell we are hit for it.  and a scam wont stop. this blows. trump sow e make it then? Hera we do make it? King Shark ok ok funny we do hey say and he says already....and really sold very few nuts on the tank...nad stomach.  so i say it is a poorly designe dtank and redesign...and you redeisgn it...now  trump sure do.  frustrating isnt it. Hera Zues and we have a barrier here between us then. trump yeh how many do you sell Zues Hera a billin a day trump and i have rights to my design.   Zues Hera no you dont i redisnged th whole bike trump no no you changed a few minor features not the design. Bitol and Goddess Wife and i see it i have no legal standign.  i have a small stipend to pay or pay in payments or face no business they say. and i get it how cheap and lame are we.  it is nasty here he doesnt care is poor this blows.  we ened him well nad ok.  e hav a fight. a small stiepend original design fees provided no means or method did not ingratiate with harly adn so on.  so iget it small  how small trump the first number Bitol and Goddess Wife and it is ridiculous he has never seen that mch money in one place trump ahahhaha handled tons of money dink Zues Hera its in the family but i hae not had it thats all over one million dollars trump dr evil if you will Zues Hera one Millllliionnnnnn dollars dr evil and ok funny.  too much and fine enough for a house and lose ss and drain.  ok an angle nad not much money.  bu t i wold lose my shirt and paymenst ok how trump small and we talked Bitol and Goddess Wife so small it is miniscue and we stil cant swing it at all.  and  i see stolen money and other found...too late trump and this is my point. china invades dc falls nyc falls your plan is falling and shall fully macs and you lose planets now for real.  all yourstuff left no but it is.  and like a wooden nickle is too mcuh to fix it with...it is absurd. and trump is tihnking clearly, cant get i tto me and   you couldnt mac. treid fell. so step aside we buy you out or offer you a deal trump and you will make a thousand times total sales in one day...we see it cant but wil think on it Zues Hera and we see this he is workig and most dont and it is good. Bitol and Goddess Wife still my bike.   trump so no deal Zues Hera nope. i was udner diress we issue warrants and take our factoreis and companies that are associated an all supplieres and mines and ships too and conficscae the stone ships laden iwth nukes and hit enemeis namely you.  you held me there in the shrinks office and threatened me there.  i hold it against you and sue you personlly and for the treatment here and for slander and slight and lies and  for atempte dhomocide we press for the charges tonight and sue you now and serve you at nighte we apprehend your son no warrant on treason and you . f ile no ppaers with judges and start using the patriot act due to you and your assinine way.  we fiind falut with your talk dan you are a terrorist and a domestic terrorist and have tools and other in your room tha have been used in local bombingsand robberies and we have it on film too. and we have you bombing ppl on film.  and we have ou overseas too and plotting to kill biden and we send the tape to him now. issuing it and Olympus backs me. and we hav them of trump and his coupe atempt is on now. a nd we isse that to biden and macs.  and in wrting  we issue warrants on you two.  and to shoot you first ask later.  we took your guns here and stuff and factores just now. as ou werre bluffing and all our stashes and caches....and tons o fit adn raided all your houses nope. pulled them all.  up. and his.  and tons of stuff is in therem that incirminates you verses our people.   and we show others your skulls and theier past use.  and they shoot you deadnow and we proliferate it to other agents sucha s interpole officecers and nsa and some fbi that are not you and pics of you hitting the fbi agents and yeh your a numbsckull one millioin and in hidenpay and lal owul have bought it like they do sebastians and he didnt pester us and ahad to make no deal and your an asshole trump the plants left and we took yur companies over today.  all of them.   further as of today you show up here your fired. daily hourly you are such a fn pain in the ass.  he was blocking and he sletp then you ahd him walk around.  after your dumb noise ou make on teh wall overand over we sue you and take your vehicles and ships here. all of them and your sons what an asshole. and we kill you hutn you down Hera Zues and it is my design. and none of you wnat to be faire at all.  nd we hit joel a lot after that day he s such a pompous ass.   and you ttrump are an ass as is lili we slaped a restraining order on her no good and then murder charges of his parents no good then of jc and no good and all of which she was doing and handling parts of. we bring her in now. she shot up the macs place last night and not the finale, but will tonight. nad we use it on her ad her idiots.  we pull it al lup and out. and it is shit too tons of dead macs.  tons.  we have some footage they haeld him down and mac wants it and no we give it to those who can and he says good by looking releived Hera Zues

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aB9U1mT5Crg

[sonreiv]

i absolutely despise when ppl paint katsuki as an abuser when horikoshi doesn't even say he's an abuser. Bullying and Abusing has some similar aspects but they are different at the end of it. Katsuki is. a. bully. Izuku recognizes that Katsuki is a jerk and what he did was wrong/bad (and he actually has stated that he hates katsuki, twice) but still sees his strong qualities that make him admire him

(This ask has been sitting in my drafts for the longest time and I thought with the upcoming episodes it was the perfect time to stop procrastinating and finally finish it. Sorry for the wait, nony! I mostly agree with you, but I want to further discuss some points so I hope you don’t mind I got a bit lenghty. You got me an excuse to ramble up some meta haha.)

A TL;DR beforehand: canon analysis supports that Katsuki should not be interpreted as an abuser, but an early bully at most. I also did a little analysis on the early middle school chapter and how it shows BNHA’s society/the peers Deku and Katsuki grew up around set up a bullying enticing enviroment, and how bad translations have us interpret their relationship as more aggravating than it really is - Deku NEVER said he hates Katsuki, for instance. Not once.

I agree that Katsuki is not to be interpreted as an abuser. He does not want to pursue Deku in order to hurt him; instead, he wants to push Deku away from himself. There’s a difference between “I want to possess you, to make you stay around me and hurt you emotionally and physically” - and “I don’t want anything to do with you, go away, don’t interact with me or else”. The first one is abuse. The second one is what Katsuki felt about Deku for most of his life (albeit very simplified). At the times when Katsuki did hurt him - threatening him in middle school, getting out of hand during the heroes vs villains team trial, punching him during the end of the term exam, etc - was because he felt threatened; so his response was to push him away with violence, with an attempt at “teaching” Deku to stay away from his lane.

This is not to defend Katsuki’s actions; this is only a reasoning, not an excuse. His violent behavior towards Deku is still inexcusable. I only want to make clear there’s a difference between “I want to go out of my way to hurt you” and “I will smack you if you push me”, even if his concept of being pushed is distorted to his own experience and it still does not make his violent actions okay. He fears and despises what Deku did at those times: talking to Katsuki as if Katsuki isn’t on the pedestal he grew up believing he was on. This is the core of Katsuki’s feelings. He does not want to abuse Deku. He wanted him to go away, and he WOULD physically/verbally assault him if that meant pushing Deku away from him. And the rest of his threats/aggressive banter is just really how he talks to everyone else.

Even in canon it’s explicitly stated Deku was the one who insisted on following him because of his admiration, and that was what Katsuki couldn’t stand; he wanted him to be away.

And that was way before. The game is changing, and the development of their relationship is one of the core points of the series. Katsuki recognized him as someone who is not allowed to lose, someone worthy of All Might’s trust, and just very slowly started talking to Deku like he does to everyone else.

I also believe that affirming Katsuki would be an abuser in a romantic relationship with Deku misses the point if the person is okay with it if it’s a friendship/platonic relationship, or if they ship Katsuki with other people. Someone who is abusive does not isolate their behavior to one single person, nor does abuse happen only in romantic relationships. Abusive friendships exist. If one thinks katsudeku is okay as long as it’s platonic, if they believe in their growth and healing enough to believe they can start and share a healthy friendship, then the same should be applied to a romantic relationship. Also if Katsuki were to be an abusive partner to Deku, he’d be the same to other partners. If he were to be emotionally manipulative, possessive, constantly putting him down and hurting him while also keeping him - he’d do it to any other partners. The thing is people who ship katsudeku usually don’t ship it hc'ing that Katsuki keeps his ill behavior towards Deku in the relationship - we cherish the character’s growth and development. The canon Katsuki, the Katsuki with the bad behavior in the older chapters, as stated above, didn’t even wish to keep Deku around as a peer, let alone to form some kind of deeper bond. The romantic katsudeku ship I personally want is the kind where Katsuki grows and changes (as it’s slowly happening in canon) enough past his insecurities towards Deku to be okay with approaching him like he does to other peers. No possessiveness, no emotional abuse, because I personally don’t see that coming from him.

Since we got to this point, something interesting and relevant that I don’t usually see being pointed out is that in the very beginning of the story, it wasn’t only Katsuki opposing to the idea Deku could enter UA while being quirkless. The entire class laughed at him, and the teacher didn’t bat an eye.

This is not to gloss over the fact Katsuki did show unexcusable behavior towards Deku, but I think the scene was set up that way to show it was not only Katsuki’s isolated behavior, but the system, BNHA’s society is shaped to mock and discourage individuals who believe they can become heroes or achieve certain things despite the conditions of their quirk(lesness). The way the society is shaped was Deku’s childhood bully. He was mocked by his peers as young as 4, while at the same time Katsuki was put in a pedestal because of his quirk - which led to his massive ego complex. We can’t analyse their personalities and relationship without taking in account the context they grew up in. Many people frame Katsuki as the single-handed culprit for Deku’s bullying background without taking this whole context into account, while also casting Deku the role of a submissive, persecuted victim when he deliberately chose to stick around Katsuki, and just generally shows to be a character with a lot more agency than that.

And what’s interesting in this scene is that Katsuki didn’t laugh along with everyone else when Deku says he wants to apply and he might have a chance. Because Katsuki takes that seriously. He takes that as a personal offence. The whole point of Katsuki’s ill feelings towards Deku were always that he

feels as Deku is mocking his efforts by believing that himself, a quirkless boy who didn’t do any kind of physical preparation for a heroics course - has chances of becoming a hero as much as Katsuki, who is a born genius AND presumably prepared himself to apply to UA, with training and studying, going as far as scolding his colleague for smoking because he wanted a clean student record.

he feels threatened by Deku because ever since they were kids, as much as Deku admired him, he also saw Katsuki as someone who was able to get hurt and could have a hand offered to like anyone else; Deku saw him as superior in terms of skill, but an equal as a human being, while all the other kids did not. And that made Katsuki not stand him. Because he’s scared of being anything less than the very best, he’s scared of being someone who can be offered help - in his eyes, someone who can be pitied and looked down onto.

And that’s why he reacts with hostility. He wants to intimidate Deku out of even trying to apply to UA. It’s even stated by Katsuki’s colleagues he got out of hand this time, implying it’s not normal behavior for Katsuki (and I’ve seen people saying it was confirmed by Horikoshi himself, though I don’t have sources so don’t quote me on that). Again, he will only seriously smack Deku down if he feels threatened. He does not go out of his way to put him down on a daily basis because he doesn’t want to interact with Deku to begin with.

Also, Deku actually never stated he hates Katsuki. Not once. What he actually says is closer to “he may be a jerk, but-”, which is how the official english translation translated it, as seen above (stole the picture from this post by @kiraelric because it’s where I found it faster :P). Here’s a post explaining it, and I quote @sugarmagic who gently broke down the first panel - which FA translated as “I hate his guts” - for me:

Basically the word 嫌う, the verb form is “to hate” but 嫌な奴 is “unlikable/disagreeable guy.” So what I’m pretty sure happened is that they didn’t realize な was modifying the word to be an adjective. It’s not describing Deku’s feelings, it’s describing Kacchan’s character. The reading of the kanji is written as “iyana yatsu,” versus “Kacchan ga kurai” which really would be “I hate Kacchan”. Then again, even if they read it that way, the furigana explicitly shows the reading, so I don’t even know what they were thinking.

 The translation group Fallen Angels takes way too much freedom and completely distorts some lines, and the dislike of Bakugou/his relationship with Deku in the western fandom was heavily influenced by interpreting it via FA’s aggravated translations. I had people who know japanese tell me how gratuitously innacurate the translations are - as an example, FA translates Deku thinking Katsuki is difficult to deal with as Deku thinking Katsuki causes him to be aware of his own flaws (source). The translations paint Bakugou’s character and his relationships, specially with Deku, unnecessarily harsher than they really are. In fact, something the localisation usually fails to translate is how Bakugou’s “die!” and similar threats are not be taken as seriously in japanese as one would in english - but rather pretty immature and petty (source).

So! If you read up to this point and you’re interested in reading other meta on Katsuki and Deku’s characters and relationship, you should check @explodo-smash’s meta tag. They’re a pretty smart team and can explain/analyse things better than me - in fact their meta helped me a lot understand better their dynamics post my bloody Fallen Angel readings. That’s all for today, and thank you for taking the time to read.

[the-reactionist]

begging

for some reason [US's crazy fear-based policy to not trust easter European states with their internet privacy stuff] i can't write emails so i am posting personal stuff here; sorry MESSAGE: i have to post more often here as writing about issues helps me resolve them and understand them deeply; i never find the time ad strength/energy to; i need to make it my priority, though, because i can; i have the power too, so i’m obliged to do so;the pain whe delving in the wounds by teal swan’s methods, is too large to handle, though; she mst have bee treated real horribly to have that incapacity to relax within herself; because healig hppens with time; nd time ca heal anything; yet she is so restless in her death-cult-leader-scapegoat programming, that she has no time to deal with her issues and overcome them fully from within, to embrace her trauma and demonstarte to us her teachings emodied - what it looks liek to have overcomeyour trauma, physically; nd that is what we need; because ppl like myself, we follow, by example; so teal, your followers who have pened up not merely their minds but their hearts to your presence, need you to heal your inner child and go to other levels of expressing the truths you are embodying, because you don’t have time, ad we don’t have time, physically, to wait our entire lives; i have seen a decline in your activity and i saw a short fb video two or three years ago inw hich you explained you need to work more closely to the people so you are changing your course of teaching/actions; but i think that being i the flashlights IS what you have the power to be doing; beign amidst all the controversy;and i think that you still have lingering uresolved childhood torture and unimaginable abuse trauma; but i eed you to overcome it; i’m dying,i can’t hndle my issues and i need you because you are strg, you have before, and you can; PLEASE, be there for me, and please, teach me; i love you and i trust you, and moreover i do believe in you; please teach me in your ways btu the things i need for my expansion and development, which i feel is not simply mie but is the communnity’s; you are capable of leading us to the next levels; which is owning pour realities and being masters to the extent we all individually can; please do that for me/and others whi are erady for your hardcore strength ~thank you i feel like ale, a lot - when he pursued you, teal, and you didn't look at him at first, because of disbelief, i suppose; i am ready for you and i want you both for my and your sake; it is actual bonding, and i am not even joking - i mean it; iu know you are always asking your audience for questions to make videos on; and i am trying to write from years, but i can't; so instead i created blogs and fb groups, and pages, all related to your teachigns and how i interpret them for my life, ad how they help me grow; i need to work more completely with your mind, because when combining other spiritual philosophers' calmness with your catalystic power and depth, and structure/ logic of understanding, i become completely different - empowered to unbelieveable extent https://the-reactionist.tumblr.com/post/187233997680/benevolence-unconditional-love-the-innate i am sorry i have not enough money to buy your things - meditations, courses, workshop passes, retreats; i know they cost very little, but i can't hndle my life and i am not financially independent; but i love you, i want you to experience i 3d your fullest potential and capacity ebcause you rock, you help me every time, so i beg, please somehow connect to me in the spiritual plane so i can give you the srengths i am carrrying to hep you resolve, in time, your leftover past trauma - and it's a lot, i see it still, so that you can rock on life as you want to, and not keep stuck in these patterns of self-mistrust and victimhood, and powerlessness; you are gREAT, but unlike many of us - literally; and i am very very excited by you, on every single level,so you truly catalyze change i me, on a molecular, subconscious, sexual, physical, and though levels - hi5 for dat! because i'm hardcore too, eyt you manage to get through to me; i need you more, though, because i am workig with a lot of trauma myself; i have bee put in psychiatries by my parents because i started speakig about things they don't want to hear and maybe it wasn't tiem for them to; but sorry to be so hones - i see in you a sort of restlessness that is not helping the peoplewho depend on you to be helped and uided on our ow journeys/paths through reality; and you can help us; many more than you are targeting presently, in fact; your inner child feels unheard ad unexpressed, though, so in my view you still act a little irresponssibly, exerting your powerfulness in ways which are uhealthy and not deep enough/mature/rooted; maybe i'm too needy, as i have been to my mother, to my loved one, to my spiritual teacher/sect leader/first sexual partner,and i am to you now too, but i am needy, i am human, i am breaking - in body, and i spirit sometimes; im sorry; i am truly breaking/soft. and i think this is the genuine human condition; and i liek your power but i NEED to be protected by it to be fully myself and give MY gift to the wrld -w hich is mthering, care, heartful compassion and being there and holding space, but from the heart-space, not physically, and not so mcuh mentally, because i am not very educated in philosphies, and i have poor strength in that faculty; i am more basic, primitive, and i dont really feel ashamed by that; i am the powerful people's job, as the tao te chig goes; so i beg you - i can't do with teachings i the way your power/energy demands; there are thse whi are that physically strgn, but i aint; and i can't be; peopel have tried to train me but i'm too connected with teh feminiity and teh earth aspects of human beings to be able to overcome those - i am NOT a shaoulin monk, although i love both you an dthem all; i feel respect ad am honored to be residing on earth among peope like you, but i am sexually drawn to your types of strength and endurance - i wanna bear childern to the kids of you; i am NOT liek you 

i’m an old person/elder type fo being; i need to nourisha nd provide for your vigor and power to be manifested in reality more safely and completely i feel towards you the same way i feel towards the man i am fully in love with but i can’t get to him because footh of our unresolved issues ad i beg for help because i want to resolve those - our issues aren;tours alone; we care about/for others’ problems, that si why we can’t hande our lives; so i that way we are much like you; and i am like you in many ways; i wish i could communnicate to you - and i will ebcause i should - i blog posts, if i can find energy to, which i can’t... i’m so sorry but stress is killing me literally - i develped diabetes since my stepfather dies eight years ago and now there is noone to take acre of my basic needs  financially and emotionally,a s supprt; so i breakdown; but i knw you can help me becaus ethsoe stuff don’t touch you; and i can help youw itrh stuff that dont touch me; or i have been a hero through, makig my way out of them;

sexual trauma ad abuse of femininity, is my specuialty, i believe; i am a one who in their love for humanity, their femininity and themselves, has raped themselves to try d develop compassion for those things humns do to each other - rape, abuse of feedom; i am thtat string in my plan for this incarnation; but i have been messed with, energetically and sexually - by a cult/sect; so i have lost my strengths and many of my point of stremgth - my stepfather being one of them; he is someone from my sould-family/group,and my grandmotehr has managed to manifest him into my reality to help me through life;

but he die physically, and his loss is unbearable, i have nothign to stand on and i cn’t handle my frmer tasts without taht kid fo support; that is why i am reahcig out t you; and i ave erached out to suzanne lie, sadhguru, and many thers for support; my lover/peron taht i am lin love with, AND his father, too -i have written to them and asked for suport dicetly, because i can and i need it; i am that in love withmyself that i have the capacity to ask for what i want when i eed my  eeds met; i want you to have that fr yourself, tio; let me etahc you soemhow, lover

i read you as an incarantion of shiva; i love this being’s energy and how sexual and open with sexuality he/it is; i am much more feminine in nature though; which is a weakness; but i need help to overcome it, or try to, as i have promised, in my soul contract; i am running out f time because i am runnign it of energy; my soulmate/’twin flame’ partner/the boy i love and wanna marry and have child with is running out of his shin as well, his essence, his power; we have both depleted our chi through mastrubatig and abuse of our chi; you - no; you have that fire strong within you; please help us with guiding to vercome our foolish weaknesses and purge from our actual sinfulness - devoted to earthly elasure in a society that udnermines a persons needs for that type of pelasure; so tahtwe and many more can heal from thise types of stereotype and thinkig and go on with life; i cant by myself; my loved person has ecaus he’s younger an dhas different energy - he is much liek you; liek curt cobai, like jeff buckley ad others; you rock the world, you are strogn with or without others; i am not; i  need others to grow still; i’m sorry i can’t be strger at this point; i am just t and i lose my mind when they want me to; i am a primadonna, an italian belcanto style opera singer type of person, and my femininity is such; and i have no shame for beign this wqay; i need your type of masculine scolding to refresh my poits fo view and receive revitalizing energy to grow into a best version of myself; better tahn i have been thus far; but you eed to be scolded by the lieks of me and becoem more herty and softer in your capacities, too; because i am a mother to you and th elikes of you - taht is ewhat i can; and i desire your kind sexually which is fun and awesome but it makes me frustrated a lot, too; look, this is nto a lustful invitation - idesire lustfully my neigbour who is a national chamion in hockey for my coutry,and the boy i mentioned ver  a thousand times thus far, ebcause i need actual physcial sex; and i like men; i am to girls a prtector and support; or have been, t put it more accurately - now with my stepfathe rgone, i dot anymore have the strength to tdo taht msot of the time’  idot desire girls sexually; more than one man, yeah, but girls - i cant handle in my heart; s sorry but iam not meanign my words in a direct physical way, but mor e enretically; i really love you - which is a neediness expression in itself; i feel like this when i’m saying these words to you 

Khajurahu, India

Ishtar ~Venus, Messopotamia

i feel my sacred feminine energy explode whenever around you; the spiritual catalyst - imma do a post specifically on how i see your energies linked to Quanyin and the sacred feminine; but as i have heard you speak before, you feel much more connected to your masculine energy so far, thus i’m gonna address you in the way i feel you as Lord Shiva/ the sacred masculine

i wanna #support YOU

.....