#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry

( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)

(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)

[ethanlvndry]

Ghostface!Wolfstar x fem!black!reader

Notes- This is an alt universe where wizards don't exist. It's just a boring 'ol human world. They, however, are still British in this fiction, but this did stem from the Woodsboro murders. Moony and Pads are both open with their relationship. Everybody envies their bonding tbh. They all suspect nothing from them when the murders started happening. This is a modern AU, so cellphones exist. Art by likeafunerall on ig

Warnings- blood, murder, gore, bloody s*x, Oral m, and f receiving. Crying, dub-con, noncon Padfoot watches his little evil bf enjoy himself. Double Penetration(anal/vaginal, Oral), Anal between Remus, and Siri. slapping, bruising. A whole bunch of dark shit. You get the point.

Summary-You get a text message from Lily, begging you to ditch your studies for one night and come to her boyfriends stupid party. You ended up going before the news would've prevented you from going when they showed another one of those silly costume murders. You end up enjoying your time there...but somethings off. You end up stemming off into a room where you see the unthinkable...

Word count-3.6k

⚠️DARK CONTENT BELOW⚠️

*Ring* Pause. *Ring* Pause. *Ri-*

"I'm still not going."

You say flatly.

" Ughhh, c'mon [Name]! You need to have some fun at least once a week!"

Lily yells into the phone, causing your mouth to upturn into a slight smirk.

"I'm having fun studying for the exam. I know I'll pass tomorrow."

You tease while twirling one of your braids around your freshly done acrylics.

"You always study, c'mon [Name] let's get you out and mingling, maybe you can get yourself a partner"

You laugh at her choice of using a partner to be inclusive to your other side, as the huge but greatly homophobic country of England would describe you.

Don't get confused, Lily, along with the other girls, have been very supportive of your coming about. But even though Dorcas and Mary are in a similar situation to you, they still act confused.

"Yeah, that can wait. I'm not even sure if I'll survive these murders long enough to get a hookup."

You can almost see Lily's scowl as she spoke her next words.

"Please [Name], don't say stuff like that. It isn't funny, nor is it charming."

You feel a pang in your heart as you remember what she felt like after the injury of Severus Snape, her little ex-friend. Even though their friendship had ended a while back. She still had a soft spot for him. Her heart especially broke when the doctors told us that he was lucky he survived.

"Sorry Lil's. That was stupid."

"It's fine, just please be careful. You know we all worry about you living the furthest from all of us. Even the boys!"

You roll your eyes at her naiveness. The only reason why they make it seem that way is because they care about Lily and her feelings. They don't give a shit about you. They ignore you whenever you hang out. And for some reason, that Sirius guy just rubs you the wrong way. He's always looking at you making faces, like he's wondering why you're still with the group or something. You choose to distance yourself from The Marauders and their silly reputation.

The only tolerable one was the one and only Remus Lupin, who just so happened to be Sirius' bf of 2 years. Even though he knew that some of the stuff Sirius did was problematic, he just let it happen. But at least he never joined in on their annoying pranks.

You double take at your study work on the desk, and then think about how going out one night wouldn't be so bad. Yeah, so what Sirius and his minions 'll be there, you're not gonna let some immature human beings the same age as you keep you from having fun.

"You know what, Lily? I think I'll actually go. What should I wear though?"

You should've braced yourself from the excited squeal that broke through the sound barrier and pierced your eardrums.

"Oh my gosh [Name] yes!-"

She began to ramble on how excited she was for you and then quickly went back to your other statement.

"Wait a minute...Did you just ask what to wear when it is LITERALLY THE 31st OF OCTOBER? You're not dense, are ya love?"

You roll your eyes at her sarcastic question and threaten her with not coming, to which she quickly apologizes profusely. You end up asking what everyone is wearing and end up getting an idea of what to wear yourself. You bid your goodbyes so that the both of you could get ready and end up going into a box of a costume you were supposed to wear Halloween. It was a Lola Bunny costume that came out around the time of the recent space jam movie. You decided to pair it with your Jordan's because they were both from the same universe in a way.

As you're getting your stuff ready for your shower, you realize over 20 minutes have passed since you've been looking for a specific pair of panties. The shorts were a little see-through, so you still wanted to match. For some reason, the underwear that you wear the most frequently seemed to be disappearing. However, it wasn't just your favorite pairs. It would be the ones that you wonder why you haven't gotten rid of them.

You finally find a pair that can replace the ones you desired at first and get in the hot steamy shower, as you're rubbing yourself down. You swear it feels like something is watching you. You look out the blinds, covering the frosted glass that would've distorted anything in front or behind it.

"Lemme stop before I scare myself"

You continue on with your shower, still a little uneasy. You dry yourself off, oil your body up, get your costume on, and put your braids in a half up, half down style. You spray yourself with some perfume, brush your teeth, and wash your face. But while you brush your teeth, you realize that your toothbrush looks like it'd been brushed against concrete. Which wasn't out of the ordinary for them to eventually get that, but you've already had it for like 5 days. It's kind of weird...

You finish up and text Lily, who said she's pulling up to your flat. You walk up to her car to see that Marlene is in there with her, her blonde, and pink highlights sticking out immediately

"Hey loves, anymore people to pick up or just us 3?"

You ask.

"We're all set, love."

You nod your head in understanding and start to observe both of their costumes. From what you could see, Lily was red riding hood. Typical redhead. James was no doubt the big bad wolf since they always coordinated their Halloween costumes. Marlene was a witch, and it looked like she bought the broom, especially for this equation, because she never cleans.

Unbeknownst to you, Lily decided to take a shorter way to James' house. And you only noticed that when you see flashing lights, a long with loud booming music.

Lily announces your arrival with an excited tremor, and you all get out, the chilly autumn air blowing right by you three.

"Lil's, I was wondering when you'd get here!"

You hear a voice that you almost instantly recognize.

James Potter.

To your dismay, they get a little handsy in front of you and Marlene, so you decide to leave them and actually join the party. Once inside, you two are almost immediately hit with a wave of drugs, sex, and alcohol.

You see people making out and grinding on eachothers laps. You and Lily decide to go to the punch and see that there are pieces of fruit in it.

"Whoever eats the most fruit wins €50."

Marlene proposes. You both fill up cups of punch first and cling them together, then you guys eat fruit. It was no surprise she got 10 while you got 5. You knew you couldn't handle your liquor, but neither could she.

While you were at your 5th one, Marlene got stuck on her 6th one and told you she was done, you'd taken her cup, and ate the last 4, and won the challenge. Her giving you your money, and you sticking it somewhere safe.

As you 2 are talking and slurring your words, Sirius walks up behind her and sneaks her a hug, instantly taking her attention away. You roll your eyes as they start talking as if you aren't even there, and you end up on the dance floor with a bunch of sweaty bodies, some not even going To 'Hogwarts, Math and Science Academy' As you're enjoying your time dancing, you end up moving your hips to a song by 'The Weeknd' and a boy ends up coming up behind you to dance with you. His hands guide your hips to grind against his crotch. And while looking at him, you can't even lie he looks gorgeous. He looks the perfect amount of feminine and masculine.

You decide to tease him and leave the dance floor, causing him to break out into a smile and shake his head. You both end up in a closet, his hands groping your body. You, however, stop him from continuing.

"Meet me upstairs in a room that has the door closed."

You laugh at his frustrated groan of being denied again.

You make your way into a room. That has posters of bands and instruments in a corner. You decide to take your shoes off and wait for the boy with your legs crossed on the bed. After a while, you start to get worried, but that worry turns into annoyance. If he changed his mind, he could've at least told you. You end up hearing odd noises in another room, like moans, they sound awfully similar to his and you think he's either trying to give you a taste of your own medicine, or he found somebody else to fuck.

You really hope it's the first one. You knock on the door to make sure it isn't somebody else, but you get no answer. Probably because the moans were getting louder. You decide to count to 5 before opening the door.

That was your first mistake.

You walk inside the room, that consist of a made bed, along with professional clothing like button ups, but some band tees lie on the floor.

Remus.

You see that there is a bathroom that connects between Him and Sirius' rooms and end up not taking any precautions to opening the door.

That was your second mistake.

You opened the door and saw the unthinkable. Blood. Everywhere on the floors, the sink, the shower door. And in the middle of it all, 2 people in black cloaks with that stupid costume on, you turn around as they notice you and bolt for the door that you unfortunately decided to close. As you sit your hand on top of the know, you get pulled back by your hair, tears coming out of your eyes, which brings a light chuckle that you would've missed had it not been for the knife pressed to your throat pulling out the smallest trickle of blood causing you to hold your breath.

"You weren't supposed to see that."

You hear the voice say with what was no doubt a voice changer that was used in the Woodsboro murders all those years ago

"Please! I don't even know who you are!"

You beg both killers, the one pointing their knife to you toying with you on purpose.

"You look so pretty when you cry...What a shame I won't be able to fuck you're sweet lil pussy before we kill you."

You see that the one pointing their knife at you seems the more dominant of the 2, the other staying quiet and only paying attention to their partner in crime.

It's embarrassing how fast you thought up of a way to get them to let you go. You can't even deny how you feel yourself getting wetter by the second. Your nipples poking through the thin shirt and gaining the attention of the 2 killers.

"Wait! Wait! I have an offer for the exchange of you letting me go...Ill give you anythingyou wa-"

Just then, you get a pang in your head, no doubt from those liquor packed fruit pieces.

"Hmmm, what do you think love, is she really worth it, or should we just slit her pretty throat?"

You wince at the thought of that, and wait for them to decide whether not to take you up on the offer.

As you're waiting, you don't notice that the quiet one has a visible tent that is extruding on his cloak.

The other Ghostface does, though, and instantly gets a sadistic idea that would surprise the both of you.

"How about this? My little partner over here takes his mask off, and I blindfold the both of you?"

You were in no room to deny an offer like this, so you agreed with no hesitation.

"Good girl." You can hear this Ghostface's smile through the voice changer.

He digs into one of the drawers and finds a blindfold. You realize that he's been here before if he knows exactly where the blindfolds are. He first walks over to you and stares at you through the black abyss that's placed over his eyes. He surprisingly is gentle, but firm when wrapping the thick cloth over your eyes.

Being depraved of one of your senses causes you to hear stuff better. You can hear the killers speaking in hushed whispers as if they really cared about each other. You could hear a clear moan. The quiet one must've taken his mask off.

You then hear 2 sets of footsteps coming towards you, on instinct you back up, but a tight hand pulling your hair stops you causing you to cry out.

"Behave slut."

You hear the masked on say. You apologize, and he caresses your cheek, giving it a few firm slaps before pushing your head forward into what feels like a belt buckle.

You and the unmasked one both groan, you think he tried to touch you, but his hands were slapped away by the masked one.

"Hands to yourself, baby."

Your head is continuously pushed into the buckle, and then you come to your senses what he wants you to do.

"All you want me to do is suck him off, right?"

You ask, hoping this doesn't lead to you getting your cherry popped by 2 killers simultaneously.

"Mhm, that's all ya have to do love"

The masked one assures you.

You feel his hands reach around your face and start bunching up the fabric, and then you feel both of them working to remove the cloak from the quiet one.

You feel a hand caressing your face, before it's replaced by what you can only assume is the cock of the quiet killer.

You accidentally let out a little moan that causes the masked one to taunt you.

There's a prodding at your lips before you reluctantly open your mouth for his cock

The tip leaks sticky pre, and you hate how you enjoy tasting it. His warm pre ends up, pushing its way down your throat, making you gag at the sudden action.

You reluctantly choose to keep a pace that would me up to his and your standards. At least, you thought so.

You're surprised when he takes your head and pushes you towards one of the walls and starts going to pound town on your poor throat.

"You little vixen, you're really getting off to a murderer's cock ruining your throat?"

You whimper from the words that exit his mouth. You hope he doesn't notice, but your caught off guard by the thick cum that spurts from the killer using your throat.

You sputter as he tauntingly and slowly eases out of your battered mouth.

"Guess that tired the poor thing out, huh Moony?"

The aggressive killer states...wait-MOONY?!

"R-Remus?"

You sputter out weakly.

"In the flesh sweetheart."

You hear chucklees from the other one through his voice changer, and instantly connect it to the one and only, Sirius Orion Black.

You startle slightly as the blindfold around your eyes is loosened, and your eyes adjust to the light being taken in. You see that they both sport their masks again, and feel vulnerable as you see how disheveled the struggle left you. Not that your costume was covering much up in the first place.

"I d-did what you wanted me to do, so now you can let me go..."

You struggle to get out the simple sentence out of fear.

"We aren't done yet."

Remus finally speaks.

They both start to advance on you, throwing you onto the bed, and ripping your cheap costume off, while you squeal out of fear from rough manhandling.

"Please! I won't tell anybody, if you just let me go! I'll even stop hanging around with you guys, I promise!"

They grow tired of hearing your whines and decide to stuff your mouth with cotton panties. But not just any cotton panties...THESE WERE YOUR FAVORITE PAIR!

They went missing back in May, which is super far now that you think about it, which means they've been eyeing you for at least 6 months, which scares you to think about.

Your thinking is cut off by fingers being stuffed in your untainted asshole. You bite down on the panties as soon, as Sirius slips it into the knuckle. You start crying from the pain that weighs less than the constant threat of being murdered.

You hear slight coos coming from the both of them, but decide not to listen too hard. You just wanted to focus on you to make it seem like it wasn't too bad, but then it somehow got worse when you realized your cunt might as well have been drooling from how aroused it was.

Unfortunately, Remus doesn't notice too long after you do, and instantly gets active by closing his lips around your glistening clit. You almost cringe at how pornographic of a moan he let out. Shit, you'd expect that from Sirius maybe, but Remus?

You're brought back to Sirius when he slips 3 of his fingers out of your prepped hole, and watch as he sucks them like his favorite sweet. Don't ask how you know. You just do.

You begin to buck your hips into Remus' face as he sucks harder and harder, hoping you squirt all over his face. His mask continues to scrape over your skin as he goes in on your dripping cunt. You tear up at the blood that has since then dried all over your skin, creating a sticky mess that makes you feel guilty about the guy you met.

"You know, we've always wanted to have you to ourselves. You were always confident in the way you talked, and the way you dressed. You just never would give us a chance, it was like you hated us, love."

You almost roll your eyes at the gaslighting Sirius' attempts to do, but you choose to just look up and prepare yourself for the rest of their abuse.

Remus stops sucking on your cunt just as you're about to come, making you reluctantly let out a whine that has both of them chuckling amongst each other, and you blushing at the vulnerabiltiy you showed. But you seem to forget how vulnerable you are when you're exposed like an animal in the wild.

"Cunt or her ass Moony?"

Sirius asks his lover. He situates himself after Remus chooses the former, and tucks his robe so that his bottom half is free, leaving the cloak to drape a little bit. He then lets Remus hold you while he gets his lap ready for you, and steadily sinks your ass down onto his cock making you whine at the expected, but unprepared for intrusion, Even though he used his fingers, he was still so long. You feel a slight weight on your clit, and look back to see Remus lining his thick cock up with your unprepared hole. You try and speak but it comes out muffled from your stuffed mouth.

"No!-Pweth, I cont tek et!" You try and tell him, but he only laughs at your words and continues to breach your poor cunny. You cry as they both alternate their thrusts, one going in, the other going out. Sirius takes his mask off, followed by Remus, as they both pant speeding up their pace. You're left to whine and beg for mercy as they both use you like you aren't even a person. You're embarrassed to admit how fast you came on Remus' cock, but you quickly realize that they both won't stop until they finish.

You find yourself being purposely overstimulated by Sirius, as his nude hand reaches down to stab at your swollen clit while Remus continues his assault on your poor hole. Leading you to squint all over Remus' lover stomach, and drip down onto the soaked sheets that now sport a grey color, instead of the silk white it was once. You feel both of them finish inside of your holes, but are startled when they start switching positions right after their highs disipitate.

They communicate through short curt words, and you find yourself on all fours with Sirius situated behind you, and Remus situated behind Sirius. They simultaneously line their cocks up with their targets, and both sink in at the same time making all 3 of you let out loud moans.

Remus maintains a steady pace, while Sirius prefers to go as fast as his hips can take him, making him the first to finish, which leaves you, and Remus. Remus continues using Sirius' hole, while Sirius is riding his high out inside of you, but he pulls out and hurrying over to your face, and pulls your panties out of your mouth, to unexpectadely shove his cock down your throat once again, causing you to choke and whine at how much you've been used this night. He only uses your throat for a few seconds before he pulls out and comes all over your face, getting some especially in your mouth. You hold it before he reaches in and presses down on your tongue, forcing you to swallow his seed. He and Sirius crach down at the top of the bed together, while you've sunk into the mattress by the foot of the bed. You try and get up to get away, but you're stopped by 2 pairs of hands pulling you towards the connecting bodies.

"Where do you think you're going? We haven't even decided if we wanna keep you alive or not."

Sirius questions, you open your mouth to answer him but end up bursting into tears, and you just lay your head down on the both of them to drift off to anything, but a restful sleep.

___________________________________________

My fanfic after almost a year of no writing, that writers block really hit me hard, but I honestly feel it coming again. I actually started writing this fic in october, and it was supposed to come out halloween night, but I was too lazy.

Please let me know if I've made any mistakes, and I hope you enjoyed!

Likes, Reblogs, and comments are encouraged and appreciated!

[moral-turpitudes]

Hi Katelyn! How are you doing? :) can I ask you for angsty oneshot with Michael Gray and prompts 2. "if you touch her again it will be the end of you" and 3. "I could take a thousands bullets and none of them would hurt as much as seeing you like this. Its killing me.". Can I ask for something really angsty and emotional? Just struggling with pms and having drama queen mode:ON . Loads of love! :)

Hi love! I’m doing alright, thanks for asking! :) 

Here is some angsty shit to help you feel better as I too am a drama queen.

Revenge:

Trigger Warnings: ANGST, Dash of fluff, Mentions or slight descriptions of abusive/violent behavior, Trauma, Fighting, Blood, Slight Gore? Just your standard Peaky shit tbh. 

Word Count: 2,002 

Characters: Michael Gray x Reader

Summary: A shortcut gone wrong leaves Y/n in the hands of a rival gang member. After escaping, she warns the blinders of what happened causing Michael to exact his revenge.

Requested by: anon

Your breath hitched in your throat as you ran through the dimly lit streets of Small Heath, away from the alley you had just escaped from. Your feet numbing as they grew cold from the damp ground. With weak legs and trembling arms, you flung open the doors to the shop not caring who was there and went straight to the washroom. There you found yourself wincing as you inspected the bruises forming on your skin where the mans hand had closed around your arm too tightly, and the cut that stood out along your cheek where his blade had been. 

You shook as sobs came over you as you thought back to what happened. All you were trying to do was take a short cut to work as Tommy had called you in due to some drama with a gang in town, but it ended up taking you longer due to the man you crossed paths with. He blocked you from the main street, following your movements when you tried to walk to the side of him. When he got closer, you managed to hit him, grabbing the gun in your purse shakily as you made out his tall silhouette in the dark alley. You aimed it at him as he lunged forward grabbing your wrist and releasing the gun from your hand with a loud thud. His hand gripping yours so tight that you thought he’d break it. Before you could kick him or try to hurt him anymore, he pushed you towards the wall, making you face towards him as he pulled out a blade, waving it as you screamed. Unfortunately, it was a busy night as they were muffled by the cars and people milling about. 

“I”ll cut you if you scream again. Don’t make me hurt that pretty face of yours y/n.” He said, you could see his face as the moon illuminated his skin, a tattoo of a cross on his neck. You remembered in the meeting with your husband Michael, that he was one of the men Tommy was looking for in relation to the gang that was after Tommy’s guns and god knows what. 

“How do you know my name?” You asked faintly.

“Any friend of Tommy is an enemy of mine...and I know all my enemies names. Tell Tommy this is a surprise for him. Tell him I know where he is and that he’ll have to try harder to take us down next time.” He said before slicing your cheek, the cut deep enough that you were sure it would leave a scar. As he let you go, he laughed as you cried and held your cheek, blood running down and into your hand at a fast pace. You stood partly in shock as you saw him run north, towards the old factory where previous deals had been made by Tommy. 

And so here you were, nursing the gash in your face as your skin paled in complexion. 

“Y/n! Sweetheart are you okay?” Michael asked, knocking on the door. The taste of blood and the salt of your tears mixing in your mouth as you spoke. 

“N-no. No I’m not please help!” You yelled through the thick wooden door.

Not a second later he came in, seeing blood all along the sink, your dress, your face, and your hands.

He immediately crouched down next to you on the floor as you pulled him to you crying until you felt you couldn’t anymore. After you composed yourself, you pushed him back as you winced at your cut. He quickly got up and went to Tommy’s office to grab a bottle of whiskey, everyone eyeing him as he strode in with your blood on him.

He was fixated on you so much so that he didn’t hear Tommy’s questions about what happened or Polly’s responses, he just closed the door behind him and tended to you. “My god Y/n what happened aye? Did you get into it with someone?” He said dabbing the whiskey soaked cloth on your face gently. You just sat there in a stupor almost as the alcohol burned your cut, still processing everything, still remembering his face and his tattoo. 

“Please honey. I need to know what happened.” He said before taking your wrist in his, making you wince as he accidentally grabbed the area that was bruised. He immediately let go as he saw it and you could see his eyes turn dark with anger. 

“God damn it Y/n! Who the fuck hurt you?! Just talk to me!” He said yelling and throwing the towel down in defeat. He sat there holding you on the ground, waiting for you to speak.

“Y/n...listen to me, I could take a thousand bullets and none of them would hurt as much as seeing you like this. It’s killing me...please tell me what happened...” He said bringing your hand up to his lips and kissing it, your wedding ring sparkling as he examined your hand mindlessly. 

You sighed and wiped the tears from your eyes and looked up at him and spoke, your voice raspy from screaming.

“I took the alleyway to get here quicker since Tommy called...and before I could get out of there...a man with a cross tattooed on his neck stopped me. Michael... he grabbed my wrist so hard I dropped my gun and he pushed me to the wall and cut me. He-he said this was a surprise for Tommy, that he knows where he is and that if he wants to take him down then he’s going to have to try harder.” You said, pausing a bit while you regained your composure.

“Michael...I’m thinking he cut me...to send a message. I know from these meetings he’s dangerous and - Michael!” You started to say, before he got up and quickly stormed off towards Tommy’s office. You slowly got up to look at your face, the cut looking better now that the excess blood was washed away, but you were sure you needed stitches. 

You walked with the bloodied cloth in your hand and sat next to Polly. She looked at you concerned as she examined your cheek.

“We’re going to get that bastard. Michael told me to get you to the hospital. You’ll need stitches.” She said grabbing her bag.

“Before we go I need to tell them where the man went, I was in shock and fortunately stood there long enough to see where he ran off to I think...” You said. Polly nodded and waited for you to finish up in Tommy’s office.

You walked straight in, not knocking as time was of the essence. Michael was yelling at Tommy as he stood there nodding along, the gears turning in his head at what move to make next as he kept a stone-faced expression as always.

“Michael...” You said, your voice still hoarse. The guys turned around and Michael stopped yelling once you said his name, looking at you with concern.

“I-I saw where he went Tommy. He took off down the street towards that old factory where you all did business last time. I swear he may be there.” You said looking into his ocean eyes.

“Alright. Thank you for the tip. Boys c’mon we have business to take care of.” He said before putting his cigarette out. He walked past you, leaving just you and Michael in the room. 

“Please, for the love of god be careful.” You said hugging him.

“I will love, you don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be at the hospital as soon as I can okay?” He said.

“Okay.” You said pecking him on the lips before he took off out the door with the rest of them. You sighed and walked to Polly who was putting her coat on. Your stomach tied in knots as you made your way to her car. Not knowing if you’d see Michael coming in as a visitor or a patient. 

------------------------------------------------------

At the factory, the smell of smoke filled the air as a group of men sat around a burning pile of scrap metal. They each had cross tattoo’s on their necks and laughed as they talked about plans and various deals. Tommy was the first to show up, with Arthur and John flanking him, guns in hand as they walked over to the nearest people and shot them point blank. Tommy looked at the rounds in his gun and called out into the night. “You wanted to surprise me aye? You chose the wrong fucking way. Come out before I take out more of your men!”

A man quickly ran out from a nearby room of the old factory and stormed right towards Michael as two others shot at Tommy and the others. They ducked down and avoided getting hit and were soon wrestling with the men, trying to disarm them in the process. Michael recognized the man who went for him due to Tommy’s briefing at the meeting earlier and saw he had some fresh blood on his shirt, knowing that was the man who attacked his wife.

The man got to Michael and swung at him, hitting his face a couple of times, leaving a soon-to-be black eye in its wake, along with a couple of gashes from the rings on the mans finger. Luckily, before the guy could cause too much damage, he caught the mans arm and bent it harshly causing it to crack. The man quickly crumpled to the floor in pain and Michael got on top of him and punched him in the face before pulling his cap off. He slashed the guys face deeply, ruining his eye and cutting half a smile on one side enough to tear through his cheek.

The man screamed as Michael did so, as Tommy, Arthur, and John gradually gained control of the other men and shot them.

With an angry look in his eye, Michael threw his cap on the ground and grabbed the mans throat, squeezing until the mans good eye was bloodshot.

“If you touch her again, that will be the end of you.” He said as the man nodded desperately, gasping for air before Michael’s grip tightened, causing him to go unconscious. 

After the fight, Tommy let Michael go to the hospital where you were sitting in an exam room just having finished getting stitches on your face. Michael walked in carefully, his eye swollen and face bloodied with scratches as he came over to you. He still had an angry look on his face but it faded once he held you in his arms. 

“How are you doing?” He asked, kissing you lightly.

“I’m okay. Doctor said I’ll heal fine apart from a small scar.” You said sadly, hoping he wouldn’t see you as less than because of a small scar. 

“Don’t mind that. You look beautiful and I’d rather you have a little scar than be off dead somewhere love.” He said pulling you close to his chest.

You laughed a bit as you wrapped your arms around him, finally relaxing for once that night.

“Did you kill him?” You asked.

“No, I don’t think so. But Tommy and the boys killed the rest of his men. He’ll be sleeping with one eye open from now on, and maybe waking with one too.” He smirking down at you. 

“You cut him in the eye?” You asked picturing what happened and shivering at the thought.

“Yeah, and half a bloody smile. He won’t prowl anymore streets unless he wants to terrify all of Small Heath.” He said. 

As you both conversed further, the doctor came in to let you know you could go home, eyeing Michael suspiciously as he still looked pretty beat up. He disregarded her concern and smugly smiled at her, nodding as he helped you out, and into the car. You both went straight home per Polly’s orders where you relaxed the night away, remaining thankful for him and his crazy blinder cousins.

[sparkmender]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE: MUN & MUSE

Fill out & Repost ♥ This meme definitely favors Canons more, but I hope OC's still can make it somehow work with their own lore and Lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multimuses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

Tagged by: @ifthearmorfits -- thank you opo!!

MY MUSE IS.   canon / oc / au (...in-canon au, because transformers) / canon-divergent / fandomless

(I will be getting into spoiler territory with this, but given that you all are following this blog, you’ve probably stuck around long enough to already see what’s up haha.)

is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO.

is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  WELL… / NO / IDK. (evidently a lot of people have it bad for the nerd but I don’t do NSFW on tumblr, so lol)

is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

are they underrated?  YES / NO.

were they relevant to the main story?  YES / NO.

were they relevant to the main character?  YES / NO.

are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO.

how’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. (Given Rung’s quantum forgotten status WHO KNOWS)

HOW STRICTLY DO YOU FOLLOW CANON?

Putting it bluntly: Functionist alt. dimension Rung has a whole lot of plot holes. Swiss cheese boy. I’ve made liberal changes here and there so that he can play with a majority of muses in the MTMTE/LL community, but I’ve also taken a lot of free reign giving Rung’s general lack of backstory in-between spoiler/plot beats :P

SELL YOUR MUSE! (aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutual.)

Rung is a very rare type of character, being an ostensibly ‘masculine’ character (in regards of a human binary lens) who prides himself on empathy, understanding, and caring for others’ physical and mental wellbeing in ways that often linger in more ‘feminine’ realms (again, in approx. to the human binary); it interests me to be able to explore such concepts in a territory where, considering lore and implied history, there’s no societal concept of (human ideal culturally-imposed) gender. He’s a creator ‘deity’, he literally produces souls, but nothing about his design is meant to emphasize a human sense of reproduction/fertility/etc. Most people would never look at him and conclude who and what he is. There’s also the fact that he’s been methodically documented, experimented on, taken apart, and then tortured for approx. 2 million years and yet he refused to let that break him. Rung is unflinchingly kind, willing to reach a hand out to anyone who needs a shoulder to lean on even when he has nothing of his own to offer. Hell, he studied medicine and philosophy so he could build the foundations for the Cybertronian method of behavioral psychology because even without memories of being Primus, Rung wants to take care of his creations. ...And then you add in how absolutely adorable it is to watch this old man dodder about with his puzzles and models and big googly glasses and I love him so much okay--

NOW THE OPPOSITE! (list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?)

To be honest, Rung can be kind of a Mary Sue/over powered character in some people’s eyes. Like, what, this random character who’s new to the franchise and made specifically by the author is actually Transformers God who suffered amnesia? And is friendly and polite to everyone but also has a streak of keeping a grudge and survives literal untold horrors because his body can just heal itself?? And he spits out crystals that make up sparks??? OH AND HE’S MILLIONS OF YEARS OLD AND DID I MENTION HE’S GOD SOMEHOW AND THEN HE STRAIGHT UP JUST DIES TWICE IN CANON, WOW

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO RP YOUR MUSE?

H,,,, Him round,,,,,,,, No really I just loved his design that much. Him round. Also both my mom and my granddad are shrinks so I have, like, a basic grasp on psych stuff after reading through their textbooks and watching my granddad’s old research films and study tapes, so it was familiar territory I settled on writing Functionist!Rung in specific because I sympathize with having weird + painful medical shit inflicted on you all the time and because the idea of someone so genuine and careful being the core of a revolutionary movement is really,,, makes my heart squeeze.

WHAT KEEPS YOUR INSPIRATION GOING?  

hell if I know I’m just kinda here forever lmao

SOME MORE PERSONAL QUESTIONS FOR THE MUN.

do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO. needs more weird eldritch tech woogies but I’m terrified of alienating people

do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO. (mostly as they get yoinked by the fandom at large and then my notifications break my phone)

do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO.  

do you think a lot about your muse during the day? YES (to an extent because I write a lot of different muses and I’m constantly making/doing/playing something to keep my hands busy, so it’s inevitable) / NO.

are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO.

are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO.

are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO.

DO YOU ACCEPT CRITICISM WELL ABOUT YOUR PORTRAYAL?

Criticism is the best way to grow as a creator, tbh, but I will say I think the biggest complaint is just how goddamn slow + forgetful I am hahaha,,

DO YOU LIKE QUESTIONS, WHICH HELP YOU EXPLORE YOUR CHARACTER?  

Sure! I have a tags specifically for weird Cybertronian biology quirks and for Rung just rambling about things, and it’s fun to get to reveal bits and pieces of the backstory I’ve created for him.

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES TO A HEADCANON OF YOURS, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?  

........I mean lmao you can tell me why you disagree but at the end of the day this is my personal portrayal of a specific version of a character who only shows up for like three issues of a 70+ issue long comic series.

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES WITH YOUR PORTRAYAL, HOW WOULD YOU TAKE IT?

There are several other fantastic Rung writers out there each with their own interpretations and understandings of the character, so like. Godspeed. Go, find the god your heart desires, and whatnot.

IF SOMEONE REALLY HATES YOUR CHARACTER, HOW DO YOU TAKE IT?

Do you hate my portrayal of Rung, or just Rung in general?? I know a few people who just straight up dislike any version of Rung at all, so there’s that.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PEOPLE POINTING OUT YOUR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS?  

English hard, hebrew and yiddish and spanish and romanian and german only. More seriously I was raised in an extremely weird house where English was the primary language but I was being taught by older people who never remembered which language they were using at the time. My first word was Mickey Mouse. I don’t know what’s happening. I went to art college. Please be gentle with me, sir.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE EASY GOING AS A MUN?  

Oh most likely. There’s only like... one or two things I will go out of my way to discourage or avoid + I’m generally just kinda here to make other people happy haha

[destiny-smasher]

I used to be close friends with one of the composers for Steven Universe. I watched them rise from a YouTube remixer living in a cramped bedroom in a shared apartment with nothing but a mattress on the floor and a keyboard beside it to owning a house, happily married with a whole backyard garden and a cat because they found success working on one of the biggest cartoon shows I’ve known. But they broke off that friendship earlier this year and it’s made my biased love for Steven Universe become very difficult to grasp with. Understanding how and why we weren’t friends anymore was likewise difficult to grasp, even after hours of us trying to hash things out and resolve it. And while we DID resolve things amicably (I hope) and peacefully, it wasn’t until Steven Universe: The Movie that I was really able to feel like I could see the forest from the trees and ‘get’ what happened. This will be a kind of review of the movie, but mostly it became more of a personal ramble relating my real life experiences with Aivi to those of characters within SU, especially the antagonist of the Movie. This is lifted from this Twitter thread, so it was originally written stream of consciousness and I’m sharing it here to keep it more readable and archived. This is a bit of a read so tucking it behind a ‘read more.’

--

"You keep on turning pages for people who don't care about you And still it takes you ages to see that no one's there Everyone's gone on without you"

Time to finally talk about the #StevenUniverse Movie. Strap in 'cause this gon' get personal.

It should go without saying BUT I am gonna be talking about the movie! Dunno how in detail per se but I can't properly say what I wanna say without diving into some of the important plotty stuff. So yea.

Don't read this thread if ya don't want #spoilers #sumovie 

First off, I wanna talk about what this movie does well. Going in, I had heard it was framed like a musical. And I wasn't sure how I felt about that idea, though it wasn't surprising. After all, the 'musical' style episodes tend to resonate quite a lot. 

I think they work great when it's one song in a 10 minute episode, but an hour and a half of songs? I wasn't sure how well that would go. Turns out, pretty well. This is due to many factors but primarily the variety of song styles and art styles used throughout. Basically every scene has a primary song that drives it home, and basically all of them have a different genre/tone as well as visual presentation style. A lot of work went into getting it all to work together and feel cohesive. TBH for me personally the main highlight of the movie was honestly the animation. Average TV goers might just see "yup sure looks like a cartoon" but on the whole, on average, the movie is CLEARLY animated and framed with much more dynamism and detail than the majority of SU. Getting to see these characters we've gotten to know over the past few years a couple years in the future, generally at peace with things, but animated with more detail than ever, THAT is the true highlight of the film for me. Naturally, there was a lot of bits of comedy, often relying on knowledge of what the characters have been through, and I felt a lot of bittersweet smiles throughout as this felt like a good send off for Steven and his Space Moms. It managed to work in cameos from basically everyone you'd expect, some of which...didn't work out as well as others (specifically, the Diamonds bookending the movie was a bit forced and weird IMO but they ARE important to the lore even if I find them boring tbh) It was nice getting to 'catch up' with everyone, and the plot itself uses a generic 'gotta save the world again' thing (bleh) in a creative way, at least -- it all becomes an excuse to "re-live" the four primary heroes' stories through song. Cool enough. Something the movie inadvertently highlights, however, is the fact that SU as a series really started spinning its wheels a lot for its second half, in particular. Much has been said about how and why and why or not this doesn't matter, etc. etc. I was just along for the ride. I've repeatedly expressed my personal bias in the series' favor for a long time, and now? I kinda don't really have that personal bias anymore. I still love the show, I still think it's one of the best cartoons I've ever seen. But those rose-tinted glasses are off now. Taking said glasses off and actually listening to and looking up what critics of the show had to say kind of unearthed a bunch of things I had kept sweeping under the rug for the sake of personal bias/support of someone I loved and cared for a lot. We'll get back to that. I say all of this because the movie ironically failed to do much of anything NEW, something the series itself kind of struggled with for a while until it finally got around to the conclusion of Steven's story arc. The film ultimately kind of ends with "yeah Steven can change!" Which, um yea? Obviously. He's a completely different person than he was in S1. But he's kiiiiinda been the same person for....some while now. The weird irony of SU as a series is that about halfway through the narrative, the protag has essentially grown up, done. The last half or third or so of SU's narrative was basically Steven having to cheer everyone around him up and help them deal with their shit, and...kinda just going about that essentially the same way every time. The power of love, the friends we made along the way, etc. To be clear, there's nothing BAD about this, and in fact it's what sets Steven apart from most every other narrative of this type. The protag is almost always forced to change in ways they don't want, do things they don't want to do, etc. But when you put it side by side with something like Avatar or Gravity Falls, those series saw everyone growing alongside each other. There are clear arcs for everyone, almost all of which get resolved in ways fitting each character. It's imperfect but it's varied. SU has a tendency to just...hammer everyone's character flaws and arcs with ONE option: just love yourself and be nice, and everyyyyyyythinggggg 'll work out in the end! Which is fine, but when a story does it for so long, over and over, always the same, it gets a bit weird. I specifically LIKED in the film, at the end, that Steven actually does have to fight, because THAT is what Spinel needed to do. She needed to let out all of that anger, and that violence was her own way of doing it. 'you can't just sing a song to make everything go away' etc. It's typical, perhaps, for protagonists to have to tackle problems in different ways because that's LIFE. The fact is, Steven's approach will NOT save everyone. Lapis stilllll kinda stands as an example of this but an as of yet unresolved one. I liked that at the end of things, Spinel still doesn't come into the same fold as everyone else. Basically "sorry, I already fucked this up too much, I can't really deal with this," and that is IMPORTANT and I really liked it. Before really digging into the personal angle, I want to bring up how fascinating it is that the movie essentially had a real BUDGET and so they deliberately seemed to design an antagonist that would take full advantage of that animation budget. EASILY, by far, Spinel is the most interesting-to-watch antag in the whole series imo, in terms of how she moves and fights, etc. They really just wanted to flex and they did it, but like any SU antag there's (somewhat predictable) motives. This gets back at what I was saying before -- how the series spins its wheels a lot -- but Spinel's motivation/back story isssss kiiiinnndaaaa a lot like many many characters' issues and, like, I get it. We get it. Steven's Mom was Not The Best does that have to be the basis behind kinda EVERYONE who goes against Steven? Or the Gems? Lapis, Bismuth, and Peridot all offered more varied motivations, and even THEN, Bismuth was still essentially in the same boat? Anyway, I digress. I DO appreciate the way the series set up Rose as this wondrous lovely lady and has severely dissected and broken that down to the point where I really do not like Rose, in any of her ID's, as a character or a fictional person, and it did so gradually. A lot of what the movie did was kind of expected. Right? Songs, singing, check. Steven going about things the same way, check. Re-living/celebrating how far he and his moms have come, check. What I didn't expect was -- OK, well, there WAS that one fusion...which, um

But the actual thing that really latched onto me was how much I conncted with Spinel. As is the case with any story that has well presented characters, you can attach to SOME part of just about all of them. I associate most closely with Pearl overall but can relate with just about anyone prominent. I see parts of me and Jenny in Steven/Connie, in Ruby/Sapphire, in Peridot/Lapis. I see what kind of woman I might've become in Amethyst (and sometimes am). Spinel, though, is a really weird case because I see my adolescent self in her SO MUCH and yet fairly recent events in my life -- directly tied TO the show itself, mind you -- make that connection weirdly poignant and present. For some context, I used to be good friends with Aivi, one of the musicians who works on the series with their husband. Spring 2018, Aivi and I vocalized to each other that we considered one another one of the closest friends in each other's lives. We're no longer friends. To make sure this is clear, I think Aivi is a wonderful person, and our breaking apart wasn't violent or dramatic or anything, Aivi just...decided they weren't interested in the relationship anymore. And neglected to tell me this until like a year later. The context is of course not at ALL as severe or dramatic as Spinel/Pink, so please don't assume there's some one-to-one there. But OOF are there some harsh similarities and it really made Spinel's backstory sting in a very confusing way. I say 'confusing' because, as I mentioned, I see my adolescent self in Spinel. The way I was going about making friends matches her 'happy' self. The way I acted in my senior year of college matches her 'angry' self. There was no single person that created any of that, though. In high school, I was like Starfire, in college, I tried to nurture that, play to my strengths. I failed miserably. And what I feel is a big part of why is inherently tied to my transitioning (which is, still, something I feel I am failing miserably at). By the end of college I was more like Raven, and there I remained through the duration of my first long-term romance, into a very weird and atypical marriage and breakup, and then I moved to CA and started changing. Fittingly, my current self can't quite ID with any single Teen Titan. I'm not a teen anymore, after all. Throughout a lot of my friendship with Aivi, they really seemed to fixate on comparing me to Pearl. It sometimes made me uncomfortable the particular ways they did, though. I strongly identified with Pearl's flaws and strengths in personality (though we're obviously different people), and so seeing Pearl go through redemption via self-love and self-acceptance meant a lot to me. "It's Over, Isn't It?" I was IN THE ROOM listening to Aivi and their husband work on the chorus to that song. Obviously they couldn't talk about it but I knew damn well what it was about, and anticipated that piece for a long time. Now it's even more weirdly painful. I met Aivi because they made Mario arrangements they put on YouTube and they happened to live a few blocks away when I was subletting my first summer in CA. They seemed very kind and caring and eager to Be Nice and at the time I really needed that at a very vulnerable and fragile time in my life so I latched onto that. -In The Garden- The week when the LiS terfs freaked out on me and that Bad Spinel side of me lashed back, and I found myself suffering from being gaslit and facing the fact that the worst part of myself that Trigon in Raven's mind that Angry Spinel was still THERE was still ME It was too much For the first (and thankfully, only) time in my life, I experienced suicidal thoughts. And Aivi REACTED to that shit. Strongly. In a way no one ever had for me before, ever. They drove across the Bay to my house, picked me up, had me over, and helped me process it. And in the months to come, as I was healing and coming to terms with how That Worst Part of Me That I Wanted to BE RID OF was still THERE and apparently could just fucking show up, through all of that, Aivi helped me work through things, and we really bonded. In retrospect, though, it's SO damned hard for me to tell if Aivi and I became so close because of mutual respect or pity or just conditioned behavior to Be Nice and Keep Up Appearances. I dunno. What I know NOW is that apparently Cost More than I would've thought. I'm not Aivi so I don't want to really dig into 'dirt' (again, Aivi is a great person who works very hard and that's WHY their work is so good) but looking back, it's wild to see their progression into SUCCESS and fame while I just stood by, floundering The thing is, Aivi was a super busy person. We barely got to spend time together -- when we DID, it was a multi-hour affair and apart from like, Jenny, Aivi is prolly the person I've had the deepest, most vulnerable conversations with. They were next to me when I realized 'oh huh I'm maybe trans??' because they were there when I was at one of the lowest points in my life. I never ASKED them to be there, to Be So Nice and as it turns out, Being So Nice is harder than it looks. So to kind of loop this back to the movie, I wasn't some Skullgirls Peacock Cuphead grinny goof or anything like that but I AM WILLING to bet that from Aivi's POV the way Happy Spinel acts toward Steven is prolly how I felt in Aivi's life at points, at the least. The irony is that we would go weeks, months, barely interacting. But looking back, the way Aivi talked about things, the same phrase keeps dominating my mind: Aivi got bored of me. I wasn't 'useful' to them anymore. Aivi said that day in spring 2018 was like 'the climax' of our friendship, or something like that. Way they talked about it was like...the finale of a season of TV. Our character arc together was over. Even though we TALKED about it, came to mutual understandimng of The Logic behind Aivi's decision to cut ties, I don't think it ever REALLY made sense to me, how Aivi must've felt about our friendship, until Spinel. By spring of 2019, my role in Aivi's life -- from what they have told me, from what I can perceive -- was more like I existed in a separate space from the rest of their life. I was that one interesting person always waiting in The Garden for them to visit when they felt like it Because while Aivi had gotten BIG, gotten MARRIED, gotten a HOUSE, found legitimate SUCCESS in their creative field I was still poor still stuck in retail still unable to find an audience still unable to understand the pressures of Success And OOOOFFF in those last couple years, interacting became more and more strained for both of us, from opposite ends of things. Aivi had responsibilities, PEOPLE vying for their attention, people wanting to hire them, projects to complete, a house, a spouse, etc etc My life was (and kiiiinda still is?) nothing like that, and as our Mutual Creatives Struggling to MAKE THINGS and Get By transforming into Yep I Am Still Here but you are SUCCESSFUL I think that really put a lot of strain on things I never accepted until Spinel. After Aivi hit it big with SU, in particular, they gradually started...acting differently. Acting in ways that made less and less sense to me. They were a Diamond now. And I was still just what I was. When drawing comparisons to characters on the show, Aivi persistently compared me to Pearl. A fact I once took pride in. They repeatedly compared themself to Garnet. Which...always kind of didn't make sense to me. Aivi wasn't really like Garnet. They are more NOW, though? In the sense of how they act, I suppose. Specifically, one of the last things Aivi said to me was that trying to be friends with me had started feeling like Pearl trying to force Garnet to fuse with her. This was problematic because from my POV nothing of the sort was happening. All I was looking for was occasionally hanging out a few times a year. Like. Ya know. Actually a lot less than what I was looking for with basically all of my other friends. And that was still Too Much? But when I start looking at things like Pink Diamond and Spinel instead of Pearl and Garnet, somehow things make a lot more sense. I was probably too clingy, too exciteable, and what amusement or relief I could provide eventually stopped being useful. Aivi eventually didn't even want to spend time with friends to just...spend time with them. Everything had to have some kind of practical Purpose to it, it had to be contributing to a Goal. I still don't get that, tbh. But I'm also not A Diamond. I'm not Successful. The most responsibility I have right now is fucking hanging up the laundry to dry. I have college loans that have and continue to feel pointless to try and repay. I have severe dental problems I haven't been able to fix. My body fell out of shape because of retail hell, and what energy I’ve had to spare from that always ends up going into the people I love, and trying to keep Making Things. Let's not forget The Complications of coming out and wanting to transition but not possessing the resources to do so. (Aivi was actually super supportive of this btw and was the first person to make me feel comfortable wearing feminine things so yea) Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that MY LIFE is not together. My personality is? I feel like I am finally Myself in terms of mental/emotional stability. And that is largely because Jenny helped me get there. But Aivi helped a lot with that, too. But I think Aivi got to a point where Success was more of a measure of how Grown Up and Healthy one was because despite my behavior, my personality, my mood, what I was asking for, and what I was giving, all changing DRASTICALLY after being with Jenny, I think Aivi still...looked at me the way Pink Diamond looked at Spinel during that song. Like, "yeeeaaaa ok kiddo it's time for me to go now, kinda done here" This is what's so confusing about all of this metaphor/etc. I'm not...like Spinel anymore? My current, post-coming-out self doesn't really relate with Happy OR Angry Spinel. It's almost like Aivi couldn't see me for who I became, and could only see me for who I had been. And maybe that's like why Spinel can't be friends with Steven at the end. It's too painful. I used to take pride in being associated with Pearl because "I'm enough" and "being strong in the REAL way" but now it's more like "oh you just think I'm still hung up and needy and clingy?" which uh don't feel so great a comparison. I can't help but wonder if while working on the movie, Aivi saw some of themself in Pink. Because I'm not the only person who apparently wasn't 'useful' to them anymore. And I'm not saying we should've kept forcing something that wasn't working. Not at all. What we had was good for both us, but it also entailed a lot of patience on my part and effort on theirs. And unlike any of my other long term friends, I often ended up waiting weeks, months, "Happily wondering night after night, Is this how it works? Am I doing it right?"

Years and years of broken friendships, one after the other, most lasting merely 6 months, MAYBE a year at most, with a handful that have lasted since middle school (but which are so much harder to maintain) took a toll on my Adult Self until Jenny, anyway. For quite a long time - the majority of my life, currently - I assumed I just was Too Different and that was why my friendships didn't seem to last, didn't seem to extend to the depths I was looking for. That's perhaps one critical difference between Spinel and I: she's looking for FUN, for smiling faces, for attention, for creating smiles, I just want some fucking consistency. At this point, I'm not even sure WHY I still reach out to people. I don't NEED friendships in that desperate way I used to, back in the Happy/Angry Spinel times. And I've come to terms with that Other Max part of myself and integrated it, accepted it. My worst parts are still me and instead of suppressing them (often by relying on bids of deep friendship with others) I just have to let them EXIST and let them do their thing once in a while. This is ALL why Celeste hit me as hard as it did. Because even if I'm not actually much like Spinel anymore, and Aivi's not really like Pink Diamond, even if I don't actually share much in common with Madeline (other than the subtle 'I drink sometimes to deal with my problems' thing, which I don't anymore) I still comprehend and resonate so much with that concept of just needing to accept the worst parts of yourself and work with them rather than trying to keep them caged up and then they escape and rampage every 5-10 years or so and ruin your life As I felt myself coming to all of these Good Feelings I FINALLY felt like I could help Aivi in the ways they had helped me. That I finally had something to offer I didn't before. Turns out, I didn't, apparently. Aivi had More Important Things to do than visit me in The Garden. And I couldn't blame them. Not a bit. Especially if they had gotten bored of visiting me. I didn't like feeling like a burden on them, either. Can't really argue with that. During the last time we talked, Aivi didn't use the WORDS, didn't literally say them, but I finally could see it: I wasn't Useful anymore. I couldn't Understand, either, because I wasn't Successful. Our friendship was rewarding, but because it required effort. And that effort was still worth it to me, but no longer to them. I was no longer worth it. And despite that, despite starting to feel those hunches, I spent those final months -- as had been the case before, they were afraid to hurt me so avoided actually confronting the problem -- I remained "Happy to listen, Happy to stay Happily watching her drift away" I have no idea if any aspect of our friendship impacted anything Aivi had worked on creatively. TBH Aivi seemed to approach even relationships themselves with more of a logical, pragmatic style -- it was entirely unique compared to anyone I had ever connected with. But if you've read @lis-allwounds then it might not surprise you to know that a lot of what I expressed through Stella and Max, as well as Other Max and Another Stella, channels a lot of these things. I even quoted Aivi directly in the story's end (perhaps foolishly optimistic) And yes, that epilogue moment of sorts is gonna be entirely different if I ever do finish the visual novel. The fact is that we were ALWAYS very different people and our friendship was weird and complicated and hard for one or both of us throughout its, what, 8 year duration? Ironically, I think I took away the opposite 'Character Arc Lesson' they did from all this. But that's just the thing, nothing is permanent for a Human Being. We aren't Gems, we don't actually fuse, we can't just change our appearances when we feel like it, or project ourselves to look how we want to look, or exist for thousands of years. But we DO all have different needs, different ways of understanding those needs, and different ways of needing to adjust or change ourselves or our environments in order to pursue what we want to pursue with the limited time we have here. We tried, hard, and it lasted long enough. If I'm not useful, I'm not useful, I guess? I don't have any ill will toward Aivi, I loved them as a friend and I know they loved me, too, and were better at showing it than most any friends I ever have had. If I'd been better at reciprocating in ways that were actually useful, that would've been good -- but then maybe we wouldn't have become friends in the first place if I hadn't needed 'saving' in the first place, I don't fuckin' know. And I hope my saying all of these things doesn't make anyone think any less of Aivi because your relationship with them is, very likely, not at all personal like mine is. And you know as well as I do how good they are at what they do. Aivi took the time to ease me out of things. Aivi did NOT suddenly up and vanish for thousands of years. While the dynamics of the situation might bare sharp points of similarity, Aivi is not like Pink Diamond and I'm not like Spinel -- not in the present, anyway. Stories help us because they share THREADS with reality but it's always important to recognize those threads for what they are and not confuse them for ropes. And me ranting and tossing all of this out there is something part of me has wanted to do for months but needed to take the time to grieve and process and accept. And maybe it's selfish to be posting all of this, I don't know. But it helps me accept myself and them a lot more. "Finally something finally news about how the story ends" Aivi likely has brand new friends, better ones than me, and I'm willing to bet some of them worked on this movie. And it turned out pretty good, all things considered, probably in part because Aivi was able to focus on it That person I became friends with, she doesn't exist anymore. Just like how who I used to be when Aivi first me, he doesn't exist anymore, either. We both changed, and grew in opposite directions, I guess. We've found happiness and growth and relief in different ways. In the end the Movie helped me come to terms with all of this in a way Angry Spinel younger me couldn't have still hurts yo

"Isn't that lovely?

Isn't that cool?

Isn't that cruel?

And aren't I a fool

to have happily listened,

happy to stay,

happily watching her drift away"

[msbeccieboo]

Arrow 7x06 character brain dump

Wherein I attempt to collate my thoughts on the characters, in approximate order of the number of fucks I give about them at this point haha!

Felicity

Where to start?  Our Queen is KILLING it (almost literally for a minute there...phew!) this season and this episode continues to impress, damn she is taking everything down this year and I am living for it!  She is still managing to straddle being the light-emitting cupcake with bad bitch burning the world to the ground in that perfect Felicity way she has about her.  I was so impressed with her approach to the Anatoly situation; he is a wanted criminal and Bratva Pakhan...he can look out for himself just fine DIGGLE *through gritted teeth*!  She got the job done, Anatoly came out relatively unscathed (after she had already rescued him btw), and she still took the time to check up on him.  She is taking on the world to protect William and free Oliver and will do whatever it takes to do so and I love that.  I am still surprisingly really enjoying her working with BS, cos let’s face it, her other ‘friends’ are shit this year.  Felicity is arguably the most forgiving person in this show due to her enormous heart and capacity for empathy that few seem to share at the minute, so if BS stands any chance of ‘redemption’, Felicity will be leading the charge.  Would she have pulled the trigger on Diaz?  Not sure.  Do I wish she had?  Oooooh it would have been interesting!!  And her face when she hears Oliver is being released???  The relief, the happiness, the tear...uggghh Emily is so so good this year!!  I could go on and on about how awesome Felicity was this episode, but I won’t cos wow this is gonna be a long one haha!  

Bonus mention for Future Felicity...the fern!!...Oliver’s (tennis)balls!!...sending Will to Lian Yu to get Roy to shoot Oliver’s (tennis)balls??....Slight overkill for a dead woman.  100% sure she is still alive in the future timeline!  Oh and NOT EVIL...duh, it’s Felicity!!

Oliver

I LOVED Oliver’s conversations with BS in this episode (who knew that would ever be a thing I'd enjoy?!).  Much as I am enjoying BS this year, it’s still hilarious to see the shade (finally) directed at Fake Laurel.  Oliver tells her she’s not E1 Laurel, she’s not a real lawyer, she’s responsible to Diaz being loose...STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE!!  Much as we all know Felicity can take care of herself, especially this year, I will never tire of Protective!Oliver, he loves her soooo much!  I think he’s in for a shock when he’s released (released in more ways than one hopefully 😉😉), as to the new dynamics outside, and the fierce new wife he now has!  I am super interested to see Oliver’s take on criminals and the justice system once he is out...he has developed a real empathy for the inmates over the last few episodes, and he looked so pleased, and dare I add grateful, at the investigation into the facility that BS arranged and how it would benefit the people still in Slabside.

In other news, this week Detective Queen investigates a murder and rats out the wrong inmate...oh STAN!!  We been knew!

Flash Forward Oliver...where is he??  Is he ‘dead’ too?  I think they could be trying to let us think this too, as no-one is asking about him AT ALL, and Felicity supposedly went dark?  Maybe they’re up teaching together in the big vigilante school in the sky....suuuure!

Black Siren

I think Boss Beth has achieved the unthinkable this year and made me care about, and actually be interested in Black Siren!  I don’t want to hate characters for the sake of hating them, but Laurel (and BS) was truly unlikeable and horribly written under MG’s watch.  She will never be my favourite, but look at her in third place as to characters I wanted to write about after this episode (Diggle who?)!  I wasn’t really on board with the redemption arc they seem to be crafting for her; I thought previously that she played far better as a campy villain-type....however, they are handling her so well this season that I find myself rooting for her more often than I am shouting at the TV at her!  She had the best breakthrough near the end of the episode when she told Oliver that she isn’t their LL, and isn’t trying to be E1 LL anymore, she is doing this for herself, but I guess that doesn’t mean her motives are entirely self-serving or not for the greater good.  She wants to try and be a ‘hero’, but keeps reverting back to old ways...so let her be the new Malcolm, I’m cool with that!

I think the biggest reason I’m enjoying BS is her relationship with Felicity...write a strong connection to Felicity and people will pay attention; she’s the heart of the show for most of us.  Is BS best mates with Felicity now?  No, but she is the only one who has been there for her consistently this whole season because they have a common goal of taking down the Lizard; Felicity to protect her family and save the city, and BS as revenge for last season and to avenge Quentin...and that puts her on my good list.  Once Lizard Boy is out of the picture (clearly it isn’t over, we saw the trailer for next week), who knows what their relationship will be like, but I’m betting Felicity won’t just forget about people who are ultimately trying to do good, despite their past (Oliver anyone?!)

Now I need to stop gushing about BS cos it goes against everything I once believed in....

Diggle

Diggle doesn’t get a gif; he doesn’t deserve one.  I’m getting to a point whereby I will stop caring at all about him; I’m sure (I hope) that the writers are intentionally writing him this way as part of his story arc or some crap but seriously, it’s not working...STOP IT!  Dig, it seems, struggles with keeping women in boxes (not like Anatoly was this episode)...Felicity and Lyla are pure and good and heaven forbid they should ever cross the line he has drawn for them.  Enough, this is the man who killed his own brother to keep his family safe, who followed and encouraged Oliver in nearly all of his less than brilliant decisions over the years, but Felicity asks for some not-entirely-squeaky-clean help and it’s game over??...fuck off!  He actually had the audacity in this episode to say that Felicity cut him out?  He is not of sound mind, or of this Earth, for sure lol!

I love John Diggle, I want him back please.

Anatoly

Oh Uncle Anatoly!  I think we’ve seen the last of him for the foreseeable future now haven’t we?  His parting gift of (rather happily) likening Felicity to Bratva!Oliver, and handing her a gun to kill Diaz with was....sweet??...in his own special way!

Future people 

I loved Roy and Dinah lamenting over how old they were haha!  Future Will continues to be Felicity’s biggest fan, even though she ‘abandoned’ him.  Thea is totally dead isn’t she?

NTA

Rene didn’t feature too much this week...I don’t mind that, I like him this year in small doses, and he continues (ish) to be one of the few people there for Felicity this year.  He has a total hard-on for the new GA still which is cute.

Dinah seems to have softened a bit with regards to Felicity and BS, and I awwwed at her stopping BS from killing the judge and kind of calling her a hero (even though she killed Vince..still a bit odd tbh).

I could literally list every extra rando inmate in with Oliver, thugs that beat up Anatoly, the box Anatoly was locked in, Lizard, Lizard’s socks...before I get to the lack of shits given about Curtis.  They missed his bday....bitch please!!  And then he tries to take credit for everyone working together at the end....errr no, that was what Felicity was trying to do since 7x01, only you all bailed on her, dickhead!

Sorry to end on a rant, but I really did enjoy this episode....really really!!

[oneofthosecrazycatladies]

Arrowverse Re-Watch: Arrow season 1, episode 1 “Pilot”

***Disclaimer: I recommend you read the tags before digging in to this review.

So I’m doing my annual Arrowverse re-watch (where I go back and watch all the Arrowverse shows in chronological order) and this year, I decided I would make these reviews/commentaries about each episode as I re-watch them.

So here goes... WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

Oliver: The name of the island they found me on is Lian Yu. It’s Mandarin for Purgatory. I’ve been stranded here for 5 years.

Okay, don’t get me wrong, the main reason I love Arrow is because the characters are great and real and the stories are so interesting. And Stephen Amell is a fantastic actor, definitely one of the best in the Arrowverse...but hot damn just look at that body

I really don’t like objectifying anyone (of any gender), but art deserves to be appreciated and this body right here is art.

Okay I literally couldn’t find a gif of it anywhere, but that shot of Oliver looking into the mirror and the lightning flashes and you see him in the hood for like a split second...that shot...yeah I love that shot. Ugh it’s so amazing and just chilling.

Okay so apparently a lot of people hated the flashbacks...which I don’t understand??? But I loved the flashbacks. Mostly because I just love flashbacks in general. I mean, they weren’t always super interesting and a lot of the time the flashback storyline wasn’t really as interesting as the main storyline, but I still really liked the flashbacks. I actually kinda miss them sometimes.

TOMMY!

Like basically everyone else in the Arrow fandom, I miss Tommy sooo much. And I know, I know Colin has Chicago Med now, but I gotta be honest...I still haven’t quite gotten over that Tommy (any Earth version) wasn’t Vigilante. Like honestly, what was even the point of making him Vince (or Vinny they literally changed his nickname). God season 6 was such a fucking mess...but more of that later.

Okay so I have a bone to pick with this little moment where Oliver speaks Russian to Raisa. So like I guess it was supposed to demonstrate how Oliver has changed and all that...but like, Oliver’s not stupid. He wouldn’t be so careless as to speak Russian in front of his family and friends when he knows that they know he didn’t speak Russian before the island (thus revealing something about his time away when he’s usually so careful not to let things about that time slip).

I just don’t really like that moment because it seems a bit out of character for him.

Oliver: I didn’t realize you wanted to sleep with my mother, Walter.

Tommy: Have you noticed how hot your sister’s gotten?

It does kinda make me cringe a little though tbh. Although, full disclosure, the first time I ever watched this show, I did kinda ship them. I thought they had great chemistry. Better chemistry than Tommy and L*urel (but we’ll get to that later).

Tommy: So what’d you miss the most; steaks at the Palm, drinks at the station, meaningless sex?

Oliver: L*urel

Oh god here we go with this bullshit...can we just skip to the part where the writers realized that L*uriver was awful and they all jumped on the Olicity train?

Oh look it’s L*urel L*nce, the Queen Bitch of Starling City.

Okay that was an exaggeration...and I don’t actually hate LL, well at least, I don’t hate the idea of her. (Alright, strap yourselves in.)

I feel like LL was only the “real” LL in the first like 3 episodes of season 1 and then like the last 2 episodes before she dies. Every episode in between those she was like the off-brand version of LL. In the first couple episodes, she’s a pretty great character. She genuinely wants to help innocent people, she’s independent, she fights for what she believes in. Other than her being a totally soulless, cold-hearted bitch to Oliver, I actually liked her. But the whole Oliver drama really ruined her. And I blame the writers for that (namely the notorious misogynists Kreisberg and Guggenheim).

So first, they thought that “you cheated on me with my sister” was a great beginning to an epic love story. And then they made her totally cold to Oliver. Like look, as much as I dislike LL, I will always take her side on this issue. Playboy Ollie was a grade A fuckboy jackass and LL has every right to be pissed at him. But...then he spent five years in literal hell. Whatever mistakes he made before the island, he paid for them and then some. Now I know LL doesn’t know all the particulars of what went on in those 5 years, but she must’ve at least seen the movie Cast Away, right? I mean, from her perspective, Oliver spent 5 years completely alone on a deserted island. In that situation he would’ve had to teach himself to hunt and kill animals for food, he would’ve had to learn how to build shelters, he would’ve had literally no one to talk to or interact with for five years. She would’ve had to know that he probably has PTSD...and he comes back and she says “I’d hoped you’d rot in hell a whole lot longer than five years.” Like, are you fucking kidding me?! Why in the fuck would the writers think anyone would ship them with this kind of beginning? How are we supposed to have any sympathy for LL when she won’t even let Oliver try to apologize? And saying that he deserved what happened to him on the island? Jesus fucking Christ. God I couldn’t be more anti-L*uriver if I tried.

I get what (I think) they were trying to go for with LL, but they completely fucked up the execution.

LL: ‘Cause her body was at the bottom of the ocean where you left her. It should’ve been you.

“It should’ve been you.”

Okay bitch let’s go. No one talks to post-island Oliver that way. Ever. Oliver Jonas Queen is a gift to the world and I don’t care what dumbass Ollie Queen did you do not get to say that to Oliver. He has lost and suffered so much, too much. JFC where the fuck is Oliver’s unconditionally loving and supportive wifey when he needs her? Don’t worry bb, only two more episodes and you’re home free.

Mercenary Dude: What did he tell you, Mr. Queen?

Oliver: He told me I’m gonna kill you.

God yes where has this Oliver been the past couple years? Not the kill-happy Oliver, just the intimidating hardcore Oliver that can take down half a dozen guys single-handedly. That’s one of the things I hated about season 6 was how they wrote him so out of character just for plot. Ever since they introduced the newbies in season 5 they’ve written Oliver like he literally can’t even function without having like 5 other people out in the field with him. I don’t mind having a team (I love Roy and Dinah for example) but the team is just too big. (I’ll talk about that in much more detail when we get to seasons 5 and 6 [and that bullshit “civil war”])

Mercenary Dude: You’re delusional. You’re zip-cuffed to that chair.

Oliver: Not anymore.

*shivers*

God the MUSIC! Ugh I love the music in this scene when he’s taking down the kidnappers.

Oh yeah...and this incredible stunt...

And I love that you can tell that Stephen did all these stunts himself. But I especially love the above stunt because it’s so incredible, but like he just does it and it’s as if it’s no big deal because he’s just that physically fit.

QUENTIN!!!

With hair!!!

Oh Quentin deserved so much better than all that nonsense the writers put him through in season 6. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

I’m just so happy to see him! And to see the journey that he took in the first 4 seasons. (Seasons 5 and 6 [especially 6] weren’t the real Quentin. It had to’ve been one of his doppelgängers because the real Quentin is smarter than to be fooled by BS’ bs).

Ahh did you see what I did there?!

I love Raisa and I’m so happy they brought her back for season 6! I hope she returns again in season 7! I love the way she takes care of the Queen boys!

John Thomas Diggle is in the building ladies and gentlemen! This man is a gift and honestly I sometimes think we don’t deserve him.

Okay I kinda miss seeing Oliver in regular clothes. It seems like, ever since he became mayor, the only civilian clothes we ever see him in are suits. Don’t get me wrong, that man can fill out a suit, he looks delectable...especially when he’s just wearing a button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up (those arms!)

But I also kinda miss just seeing him in like jeans and a t-shirt. Maybe once he gets out of prison we’ll see more of that (since he won’t be mayor).

The whole workout/training sequence is just...

We were completely deprived of shirtless Oliver in season 6 and I just cannot stand for that. We better get like double the amount of shirtless Oliver in season 7 to make up for it.

Tommy: Now, by my rough estimate, you have not had sex in 1,839 days.

Yeah except for Shado and who knows? maybe Sara or even some random girl in Russia.

LL: I’m sorry about saying that you should’ve been the one who died. That was wrong.

Nice apology, LL (this is the real LL I was talking about earlier), but you’re gonna change your mind in like 2 episodes. @jbuffyangel calls this phenomenon “as the Lances turn” (referring to the crazy inconsistencies in how the Lances [especially LL] are written). And I love that phrase I’m totally gonna steal it because it’s so true, but I’ll discuss that more when it flares up in later episodes.

John: I would believe you, Mr. Queen, if you weren’t so full of crap.

John Diggle, ladies and gentlemen, taking none of Oliver’s shit since 2012.

Please, someone, give this man a medal.

Okay but did John and Oliver ever talk about Oliver putting John in that hold and knocking him unconscious? I don’t know why, but I kinda have this headcanon that they never actually did talk about it until like years later (probably after Oliver and Felicity returned from Ivy Town and Oliver and John made up) that John was just like “remember when you knocked me unconscious at your welcome home party”.

Okay I know that it’s Yao Fei’s hood, but I kinda wonder why Oliver didn’t get it lined with Kevlar from the get-go. I mean it’s not like he trained in medieval times and then time-traveled to the 21st century to start his crusade, like he’s aware that guns exist and that a lot of the people he planned to take down would use guns. I mean, he could’ve just gotten Anatoly or someone else in the Bratva, I’m sure they know people who know how to do that.

But at the same time, I guess it kinda fits with his whole persona and his plan. When he first starts out he’s not really waging a full-on war against all crime in the city, he’s just trying to take down the corrupt one-percenters and once he does that he hangs up the hood and moves on with his life. So it makes more sense that his suit is more “raw” because he’s more raw. He doesn’t have a team, doesn’t consider himself a hero. It’s just him and his bow and his list.

So I’m watching the scene where Robert kills himself and it makes me think of the scene in season 5 when Oliver is watching the video that Robert left him and Felicity comes along and is like “wow no prssure” and I’m like yeah! I mean, what a crazy and horrible burden to put on your child. I mean, there they are, Robert’s made all these mistakes, but instead of trying to fix these mistakes himself he’s like “nah I think I’m just gonna tell my son to right my wrongs and then blow my brains out right in front of him leaving him traumatized and completely alone”.

This is Robert:

Like jfc, no wonder Oliver’s so screwed up.

I just don’t get what Tommy sees in LL. I mean, throughout the season they just go on and on about how much Tommy and LL love each other, but I just don’t see anything between them. I mean what did they even have in common besides losing Oliver? I mean the only thing I kind of get about their relationship is LL encouraging Tommy to be a better person. Once again, it’s the idea of LL, but it didn’t really work out that way in execution.

And honestly, you know what the worst part about M*rlance was? Knowing that they only did it to create even more drama between Oliver and LL, but then the fact that the writers ended up dropping L*uriver in favor of Olicity made all that drama pointless. Now obviously I know that the writers didn’t know that L*uriver would be a total bust (though they should’ve) or what Felicity and Olicity would become at the time, but still...hindsight is 20/20 I guess.

Ah Moira, being shady af.

I miss her. I always loved her character and Susanna Thompson is such an amazing actress.

I miss her pretty much for the same reason I miss Tommy: the potential. Both Tommy and Moira never really got to see Oliver become the true hero that he is today. They never got to see Oliver fall in love and have his own family. I feel the same way about Quentin. They could’ve done some great things with him. I always wanted the writers to explore his relationship with Felicity more. They had a great father-daughter kind of relationship in season 2. And especially knowing that Felicity’s father abandoned her and Quentin had lost his daughter, I thought it made so much sense that they sorta would’ve adopted each other as a surrogate family. But no. Instead, the writers went with that BS bs (hehe I did it again). And now Quentin is dead; another great character wasted.

Anyway, that’s all for me about this episode. I hope you enjoyed my ranting and I’ll see you later for episode 2.

[thedappleddragon]

haha here we go again

there's a lot of dumb ranting and 3 days worth of logs and a dream in here so im gonna spare evryone’s dashboard and just put it all under the cut.

tw bad memories, talk of unhealthy relations with food, and dreams about dead animals

I realized I kind of entirely forgot to write about what I did yesterday? I kind of did a lot. I know my mom wanted to work on getting tile laid out in front of her bathroom, so we worked together to scrub the concrete and wipe up all the dirt and dust and whatever was under the carpet and remove some of the nails in the floor and bring up a spiky metal strip between the bathroom door and where the carpet was. The other main thing I remember is deciding to continue work on my dress, sewing up the outer bodice, checking that the bodice and lining would fit together, deciding I’d rather have no different colored front panel, and working on the circle skirt. At first I tried cutting the fabric on my bed, but it wasn’t big enough and too lumpy. I contemplated asking my friends if I could borrow their dining table, but I ended up clearing off my own. After I traced and was in the middle of pinning, I accidentally knocked over a glass bowl that I had set on the chair. My mom heard it from the other room and had me come to her room to tell her what it was. She got angry at me, which I thought was fuckin stupid if it was an accident, but after some reflection while cleaning up the glass pieces, I kind of understood why. Mostly I got a little upset about 2 ceramic pieces I made during school breaking a little from the drop. One was a mushroom house from middle school that always makes me remember feeling like an asshole during peer review when I told my person to smooth their project more because I didn’t know “no improvement needed” was an option until I got back to my desk and saw my person saying it was good in all categories because everyone thought my project was great for some reason. The other was a bunch of flowers on a circle. It was the last project we did before quarantine hit, I think. That one is in less tough shape, just a couple flowers knocked off and a chip on one of them. They can both be glued back together, I guess. Then my mom called me back into her room to listen to her talk about wanting to eat huge amounts of food, because she’s clinically depressed with BPD and PTSD and DID and several other acronyms and her favorite coping mechanism is food, but her doctor put her on a diet so she can get her knees replaced, but recently she’s been getting into a zone where she talks about wanting to eat entire cakes and pizzas and buckets of kfc and a gallon of queso or whatever the fuck and she goes “doesn’t that sound GOOD?” And I have to laugh along and say “haha no that sounds bad actually” and get her a piece of ham or something. And every time she goes on her spiel the only thing I can think of is the greedy from the raggedy Ann and Andy musical. It’s just this horrible undulating orange blob that eats everything in sight and seeing it for the first time just made me think of mom and it made me very uncomfortable, with all the orange goo and hurling noises. Also reminds me of this horrible video game boss fight where it’s the apocalypse and a fat lady on a scooter took over the buffet and eats so much during her boss fight, during the defeat cutscene she projectile vomits everywhere and dies. My brother Greg showed me that thinking it was funny. I hated it, and I still do. He showed me a lot of things he thought were funny as a shitty little kid, and I remember several of them being very upsetting. It’s ok. I don’t want to dwell on it. But after cleaning the glass and talking to mom I brought my fabric to my room and called it a night. Oh wait my dad also helped me with some paperwork my coworker handed me so I could get on the payroll.

Today I woke up differently than I have in a long time. I set an alarm for 10 am so I could be at work by 11, but I woke up at 9 from a heavy sleep with dreams about hanging out with my friend in my room, worrying about my dirty house. I wanted to sleep longer, so I got up at 10 to have breakfast and get ready. I spent my shift changing the price tags all around the store, making everything more expensive. I’m gonna work again on Tuesday where I’ll learn how to use the register. I hope I don’t fuk it up, but I have a couple days to relax until then. Maybe I’ll work on my dress. My friends all want to go to prom together, so my new deadline will be March 2nd or a little before. I still need to buy a ticket, but I don’t have access to the link to buy one :( bleh I’m too tired right now to worry about this shit. I only worked 4 hours again today, but after I got home I felt like I could have worked longer if they gave me something else to do. The only price tags left to change were a bunch of grills and stuff I don’t know about but I don’t know if they had any other work for my to do. But I’m glad I went home tho because I was hungry and my feet hurt from standing lol. I did laundry and made myself dinner and washed my hair and drew a little bit and made the table and tbh the pacing of today has been so weird I don’t remember everything. It’s only 1am but I think I’m just gonna go to bed. my friends started talking about going to prom, and I really want to join them, but I can't figure out where/how to buy a ticket. my brain started being really mean to me, syaing that I was being annoying and pushy and that they didnt want me at prom for some reason, so I low-key almost made myself cry until my friend offered to let me be their platonic date since their partner couldn't go. 

last night I had a dream about a hard video game where when you played it, the black shadow enemies would fight you in real life, and one of them left imprints on my arm in the shape of lego bricks. they could only attack you so long as you played the game, and they tried to capture people and you were supposed to save them. I decided it was my time to play, and I walked into my garage that had turned into a cave with bat-people fused into the wall. I paid them no mind as I rescued a girl who was my irl brother, grabbing her hand and pulling her into another versoin of my garage which was uncorrupted and normal looking. she thanked me, and I said it was no problem. then I tricked her, telling her not to trust so easily, as I became one of the shadow enemies and engulfed her in a black sack, trapping her and leaving the room. I came back a couple minutes later, letting him free (now my brain told me he was my brother) telling him I just wanted to know if I was capable of tricking him, and didnt actually want to kill him or whatever.  another big chunk of my dream was taken up by me, my sister, and my dad visiting a run down petting zoo/gamestop. the petting zoo barn was very dark with low ceilings with lots of rabbits and pigs and hay. one of us accidentally killed either a pig or a tiger right next to the exit door, and I had to slink around the gamester trying to distract the owner and keep him from going in the barn and escaping at the same time. I dont remember how it ended, other than me waking up with a sore throat from breathing so deeply through my nose. I had slept on my stomach wit my pillow in my face so I could hardly breathe, and even after I woke up I felt like I wasnt getting enough air. I HATE that feeling, I always felt like I was suffocating in middle school for some reason. I thinkk somethings wrong with my airway but im not gonna do anything about it. im gonna continue to spend 80% of my day laying down so my resting heart rate and breathing speed is slower than an goddamn sloth. whatever.

right now as im laying in bed typing this I feel utterly unpoductive but I KNOW I did SOME shit today. but yeah mostly I relaxed. I worked on my dress, removing and replacing the blue front panel. I lost my exacto knife somewhere so I went to dollar tree to get a knockoff, along with snacks for mom and my sister. the blades aren't as sharp as exacto, but I still know where the name brands blades are so maybe Ill try and see if they're compatible. when I open the package everything was oily and gross, so I washed everything off with soap and water before I used them to cut the threads of the panel seams. I could have used my seam ripper but I wanted to get a replacement craft knife anyway. its kinda neat that it came with 6 different shaped blades for different crafts :) but uhh I also cut out the other half of the circle skirt of the dress, and I have a bunch of extra fabric left over. probably enough to make a whole other bodess if I wanted too. I used my sewing machine to attach the new front panel, and I was hoping to get more sewing done tonight, but when I asked my sister if it was ok for me to use my sewing machine (it right next to the wall between our rooms so she can hear it from there) she said she was going to bed soon so I just attatched the front panel and called it a night. so that kinda sucked. I still have another day tomorrow before I have to work again, and I can still work on my dress on Tuesday after work. idk why my brain thinks that one 4 hour shift is gonna take up my entire day lmao. I just have to get the whole thing done by may 2nd. GOD that reminds me, im gonna be so busy next month. I have six events back to back happening like every other day, plus work. oof. I'll have to let my boss know, but idk If that's gonna make him mad. I've already got pretty comfortable with the lady in charge of the garden center who’s taken lead position while the manager is on vacation, but I dont think I;ll every understand my boss. he’s a sarcastic busy old man and NOT AT ALL approachable. whatever. really the only other tings I did today were drink a shit ton of water play harvest moon, spend too much time on tiktok, and sraw a couple dum things for my friends’ princess au. I fucking HATE the drawing I did for Anna, so I designed her a secondary outfit more inspired by sky pirate bohemian vibes, since she rules over the floating islands. idk if I'll replace her old outfit with the new one in the lineup or just re-draw her old one with better shapes and composition and match the style better or what. I just need it changed eventually becasuse it looks like ass. tbh now that ve taken a little bit of time away from the princess au, there are a couple designs im not 100% satisfied with. but I know that if I go back and make them more detailed or whatever the’ll be more of a hassle to draw and aslkdfhalksdf I dont know anymore. I'm still tied up about color pallets and trying to give everyone a distinct color, and im a little upset it doesn't quite work, and FUCK dude the edgy one’s lore and character are weird and I kind of want to revise it to make it a little nicer but its not my character and I need to stop shoving my dirty little mitts into everyone’s ocs and AHAGHRGHGARGHHG idk man. her power is necromancy and she has a skeleton army, which I think I kinda cool, but I also think it would be neat if her powers extended beyond just that to communing with the dead, helping them find rest, and THEN maybe it can branch into helping fallen soldiers fight again to help them with unfinished buisness. and then if she goes feral and starts abusing her powers, she ignores all the communication and concent with the dead and instead magically rips them from thr ground to do her bidding and they’re uncontrollable and violent and aimless, just like her mind slipping from the magical blight infecting her. idk man we’re till working on a lot of lore. her concept could be SO COOL with just that little bit of extra thought, but so far it’s just MY POWER IS DEATH IM SO EDGY. ugh I know its fuckin rude to bash your friends oc ideas and I might be too overbearing and controlling of this au but dammit im tired and im mean sometimes and my ego is through the goddamn roof and im so sexy and im always right and my meat is huge. ah shit I rpomised my friend I would help her with character design for the dead king but I was busy when she firat asked me and now im not busy but im not doing it ugh. im just frustrated right now because I spent wayyyy to fuckin long just laying in bed watching tikotks and youtube and playing harvest moon an doing jack shit all day. but hey at least I attempted to get a new social security card again today. and them promptly gave up when they said my adress was invalid. again. I feel like im in an uncomfortable medium between having no plans and worrying about the future and having too many plans all the time oh my god. ive been so focused on getting a job and then having a job and making this dress I completely forgot about college shit. thankfully there's no hard deadlines coming up that I haven't already finished. whatever I dont really want to worry about all this hit right now, im just gonna take it one day at a time. (haha it feels like my angel oc just stepped in. how nice of him :) )

[yujachachacha]

Get to know me

Tagged by @symphonyalpha​ (I forgot the URL for a second and was like, “Why isn’t Jaewhy showing up when I type it in the user mention???” lol).

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

Last: 1. Drink: Barley water, because that’s what my family drinks ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 2. Phone call: My grandma, telling me what time she needed me to drive her to her doctor’s appointment. 3. Text message: To my little brother, telling him to STFU because he kept sending me dumb shit on iMessage. 4. Song you listened to: Does SIF count? If so, “Sore wa Bokutachi no Kiseki”. If not, I was headbanging to “Paradise Lost” by Chihara Minori after dropping my grandma off at her friend’s place the other day, lol. 5. Time you cried: tbh I probably teared up a little when I was watching the footage from the Lantis preview of the Aqours 1st Live BD/DVDs ｡ﾟ( ﾟஇωஇﾟ)ﾟ｡

Have you: 6. Dated someone twice: I haven’t even dated someone once :’))) 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: I’ve kissed exactly one person, so...hm. There was a period of time when I had conflicting emotions over what happened, but in the end, I don’t think I regret it. 8. Been cheated on: See #6. 9. Lost someone special: I’ve had a grandfather pass away, and this is probably going to sound bad, but...I really appreciated him, and he was nothing but kind to me. However, since I’d only seen him about three times in my life, the biggest way his death affected me was through my mother. It took her a while to get over my grandfather’s death, so it changed the way I behaved around her during that time. 10. Been depressed: Yes. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Exactly once, because I made the mistake of keeping pace with my uncle in Korea who takes soju shots like a champ. This also happened to be the night before Lunar New Year, so I got chewed out by my aunt (older sister of my uncle) once she realized why I was so lethargic during the festivities. _(:3 」∠)_ I don’t regret it though, because before that I had never been hungover before and was wondering what my limit was, haha.

List 3 favorite colors: 12-14. Red, blue, and...uh...other than those two I don’t have any definite faves. I guess the third would be either yellow or purple...? I’ll just go with purple for the sake of completion.

In the last year have you: 15. Made new friends: #TeamONIBE 16. Fallen out of love: That would require me to fall in love with someone first. 17. Laughed until you cried: I think it might have been when Mayushii and King did that disastrous cooking niconama. Like...what the actual fuck, do they seriously not know anything about basic kitchen safety and hygiene??? 18. Found out someone was talking about you: The number of times I’ve gone on to Discord and found out that someone in ONIBE was talkin’ smack about me... (｡･ˇ_ˇ･｡) It’s all in good fun though, haha. 19. Met someone who changed you: See #15. 20. Found out who your friends are: Nothing says "friendship” like screaming your heart out at an anisong concert, eating McNuggets while insanely drunk, sleeping while squished together in a seedy neighborhood, wotaing loudly in a moving vehicle, and other various activities I did with people I had never met in real life. ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ AX 2017 was hella great for ONIBE bonding. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: I don’t think I’ve even used FB for non-work stuff since 2016 lol

General: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: If this means “I’ve actually met them in person and have had a decent conversation with them”, then maybe a few hundred? But if this means that I actually talk to them on a semi-regular basis, then, like...10, maybe. :’) 23. Do you have any pets: See my answer in the previous chain post I did. tl;dr I had a turtle and a dog in elementary school, but after that, no pets. I’d like to have a dog when I get a place of my own, though. 24. Do you want to change your name: Nope. 25. What did you do for your last birthday: Watched LLS Episode 13 in the morning and ate Korean BBQ in the evening. 26. What time did you wake up: Today? I honestly don’t remember. Sometime before 9? 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Laughing at dumb shit on Twitter and Discord, probably. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: The Delayed Viewing for the 2nd Live for the US! I’m making plans to meet up with ONIBE folks again and it’s gonna be ~L I T~ 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: Early in the morning. She was like “lol get up and lose some weight” while I was still in bed so I groaned back, “You’re one to talk,” and went back to sleep. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I was gonna say “how about eliminating my student loans haha” but I suppose this is supposed to be a more serious question. I guess it’d be nice if I was a neater person. Like, my room is a total mess right now and I’m terrible at keeping track of things I should be working on... 31. Listening right now: Fun fact - I actually only listen to music while I’m driving. Otherwise, it distracts me from what I should be doing. 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yup, that was the name of my debate coach when I was in junior high. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: People who hate on LL seiyuu. Like, they’re actual human beings who are working really hard to live up to the expectations of thousands - no, millions of people worldwide. To be quite honest, I invite you to tell me if you legitimately want to shit on any one of them (both µ’s and Aqours), because I have yet to see a single person who has had a good justification for doing so. 34. Most visited website: Probably Tumblr/YouTube/Twitter/Reddit, too lazy to figure out which one of those it is.

Jaewhy put in random questions here because they were missing for some reason, so I guess I’ll continue those: 35. Mole(s): I have a few around my face, but other than the one on my right cheek I don’t think they’re that noticeable? I don’t spend a lot of time in the sun like other Californians. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 36. Mark(s): I have a birthmark on the backside of my right shoulder that I’m sort of self-conscious about. It’s the perfect shape for getting a tattoo of a sunflower around it, so maybe I’ll do that some time in the future? 37. Childhood dream: Lawyer. 38. Hair color: I feel like I’ve answered this in a previous chain post, but it’s black. Duh. Though if you hold it up to the sun, some of the ends are more like dark brown. 39. Long or short: Long. 40. Do you have a crush on someone: See #16. Nope. 41. What do you like about yourself: I’ve spent an unhealthy amount of time staring at computers/video games and I still don’t need glasses. :D 42. Piercings: No, but I should probably get my ears pierced at some point? 43. Blood type: O. 44. Nickname: Yujacha, but a lot of people shorten it to “Yuja”. 45. Relationship status: Single. 46. Zodiac: Libra, Dog. 47. Pronouns: I feel like it’s obvious what gender I am, so just go with those. 48. Favorite TV show: I don’t really watch TV these days, but if I’m kicking back with some hot cocoa at like 2am I might watch Criminal Minds or something. 49. Tattoos: Nope, but like I said in #36 I’ve been thinking about it. 50. Right or left hand: Right. 51. Surgery: Wisdom teeth removal is technically dental surgery. 52. Hair dyed in different color: I had highlights in my hair a few years ago, but they faded real quick. I’m vaguely considering dyeing it brown in the distant future...? 53. Sport: It’s fun to watch the occasional match when there’s a World Cup or Olympic thing going on, but otherwise I have no interest. 54. (A question I came up with since #54 was missing) Extracurricular activities: I was a debate kid for most of my school life, and in college I was in the Korean Club and Student Union. 55. Vacation: Does the 2nd Live DV later this year count? 56. Pair of trainers sneakers *American anthem plays in the distance*: I actually need new ones because I’ve tripped while hiking on at least two separate occasions due to my shitty old sneakers.

More general: 57. Eating: Haven’t yet. 58. Drinking: Wasn’t this literally the first question? 59. I’m about to: Eat. 60. (This question was missing so I'll make one up again) Thinking about: What to eat lol 61. Waiting for: 2nd Live DV~ 62. Want: Money tbh 63. Get married: I’d like to at some point, but at the moment I’m kinda tired of hearing about it from every middle-aged woman who talks to me (including my own mother). 64. Career: Working on it.

Which is better: 65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs, because they’re warm and comfy and can be shared by complete strangers. 66. Lips or eyes: I was gonna repeat a previous answer and say “eyesmiles” but since this is “lips or eyes” rather than “smiles or eyes”, I guess my answer would fall more under “eyes”. 67. Shorter or taller: Bruh, if someone’s shorter than me then I’d need to check their ID to make sure they’re not jailbait. Taller. 68. Older or younger: I’ve never dated anyone so I honestly wouldn’t know, but I’d probably look for someone close to my age first? 69. (Lmao why was 69 missing :3c I’ll just make something up again) Outgoing or shy: The former, since I’m lazy. If someone doesn’t drag me to places I’ll just lay in bed all day. 70. Nice arms or stomach: It’s actually really hard for females to have a toned stomach, so any gals with abs are like ooh~ 👀 But I actually like hands! I have smol stubby fingers so I really dig people with nice hands. 71. Sensitive or loud: The former, because I don’t need the entire neighborhood to know when I’m gettin’ laid kthnx 72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship, because sure why not? 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Maybe the former, but if they’re being too much of a lil’ shit then I’d go for the latter instead. I’ve dealt with friends who take like 20 minutes to decide what to order from a menu so I know that feel. :’)

Have you ever: 74. Kissed a stranger: Nope. 75. Drank hard liquor: Yup. 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I’m pretty sure I annoyed half of ONIBE during AX when I went “haha y’all are blind af” after I found out I was pretty much the only one who didn’t have corrected vision. 77. Turned someone down: I was about to say “no” and then I got a sudden flashback to a certain incident in college, wow thanks for making me remember something I had tried to forget...sooo, uh, yup. 78. Sex on the first date: See #6. 79. Broken someone’s heart: IDK if turning someone down counts as breaking their heart. 80. Had your heart broken: ...yes. I think? 81. Been arrested: Nope. 82. Cried when someone died: Do fictional characters count? 83. Fallen for a friend: Uhhhhh...kind of? It was complicated.

Do you believe in: 84. Yourself: I’d like to think that I do. 85. Miracles: KISEKI DA YO~ ...sorry, I had to. Yeah. 86. Love at first sight: Shukashuu is living proof of this. 87. Santa Claus: Nope, sorry Maki!!! 88. Kiss on the first date: Sure.

Other: 90. Current best friend(s) name: IDK if I have one. :’) 91. Eye color: I’m Asian, take a wild guess. 92. Favorite movie: I don’t really have a favorite, but I did like “Kimi no Na wa.” (Your name.) so much that I made it my phone’s lock screen.

Tagging: I've only tagged people the first time I did one of these and I’m gonna try to keep it that way. If anyone who reads this wants to give it a go, feel free~

[checkyesifulikeme]

this is just me being emo over my boyfriend because a month or so ago we decided today’s our one year and i Love him so you don’t need to read this like at all but if you want to....b my guest! 

i never in 1 million years thought i would meet someone like dorian. NEVER. never never never. listen. the ~year or so before we met was my first time being single and feeling completely okay. feeling happier than i’d ever felt before just exploring my interests and making new friends and doing new things, i’ll always cherish that time because i really feel like that’s when i began to know me as i am today. i always felt so detached from who i was growing up. i never made many friends, throughout middle school i was almost completely alone save for my online friends who i love with my whole heart and am still friends with almost a decade later like.........what. but anyways i was so alone and feverishly rejected every aspect of myself that i felt made me so alone. i was too quiet, too shy, too anxious, too sad, too ugly, too hairy, not smart enough, not funny enough. i’ve criticized myself like this from as early as i can remember. on my 5th birthday i walked away from the little area in the park we’d cleared for my party and played alone by my favorite tree, probably pretending to be a jungle cat or something like that. only within the past couple of years did i realize that all of these things ‘hindering’ me are not actually hindering me at all. the only thing hindering me is my repetitive thoughts of “don’t be like this. you are *insert negative thing here* because you are like this. be like them. be like anything Other. just stop doing what You are doing.” and for a very long time i didn’t realize how damaging this was. i always looked up to my father as a child, like he could do no wrong to me i loved him so very much. but he used to be colder than he is now (he’s softened a bit w age/being w a pisces woman for 10+ years) so he had a very deadpan sense of humor and sometimes made remarks that dug deeper than i think he knew into my soft skin. my dad was never abusive, moreso just disconnected in a way many men are, i think. insensitive is a good word. and i’ve always been hypersensitive yet longed so deeply to be exactly like my father. calloused, but funny. able to pick up and play any instrument i wanted to. good at math. all of that! he built his own bass guitar. i think some of my intense obsession with self critique stems from that idealization of a semi-callous man from a very young age. i’ve always been deeply sensitive and easily bruised but i pretend not to be. i downplay my pain. i downplay my scars. i laugh while i tell stories of being blind-sided by my best friend all while i have a symbol of our friendship inked into the back of my arm (no i don’t regret it). i sat alone with the thought of my mother going to prison. i downplayed my pain. my ex cracked a joke about being my “new mom.” i went home and cried for hours.

but anyways. i’m so off track i really didn’t mean for this to turn into my life story but i have always been super self reflective as i said before. but ANYWAYS. dorian and i began talking after that year or so of being alone. i went from an abusive relationship i’d been in from ages 15-17 to dating an alcoholic 4 years my senior to dating his co-worker who i secretly couldn’t stand. and then i was alone and i was happy and i felt like Me for the first time since i was 15 years old. i was done running from sitting with myself. after said year went by i decided i wanted to say fuck it and just talk to some boys i thought were cute cause i knew i had it like that and was like let’s just be a silly lil ho! but that shit is hard first of all idk why boys do That like i was exhausted from it all bitch it wasn’t even fun. but anyways one of the boys was my Now bf dorian and i thought he was the biggest fuckboy like he exhibited prime fuckboy behavior. before that we’d followed each other for like over a year on twitter and i’d curved him twice so i didn’t rly want to DM him (i thought it would look suspicious of me or something) so instead i found his insta and followed it and played the Waiting game and it worked! we started talking and basically we had like the worst compatibility ever over text imo so i wasn’t that into it but he was cute as h*ll to me so i said fuq it baby! we ended up meeting a few weeks later when i drove 2ish hours up to his city with my then best friend to go to a *** *** concert (i will not expose who this is LMAO) so we had like. 30 minutes to meet beforehand and he was highhhhhhhh off his ass when he rounded the corner of the cafe we were meeting at bitch was toasted bitch was fried out his mind i’m telling U..and the entire time he just flamed my shit. and i literally could not tell for the life of me if he liked me or if he was just saying fuck it and doing whatever. oh also i bought him baby pink nail polish as a surprise because he’d mentioned missing having pink nails but he ran out of his polish so i was like ! on the drive up and stopped at a target to find him one (pretty big move for me TBH i’m so shy about people enjoying their gifts especially a STRANGER like..). but he liked it and i was happy. then that night we were texting once i got back to my city and we teased each other a lot but then the teasing turned into making actual solid plans for him to come stay at my house for a couple of days. i was extremely nervous as you can imagine like i’m a Woman and he’s a Strange Man from another City coming to stay in my Home but my crackhead ass did it anyways and i didn’t die and this all has a happy ending so! that’s good. great even. but yes he came down and stayed the night. the next morning while we were getting breakfast and talking was when i realized oh damn i might actually,,really like him? the night before i’d just felt sorta on edge and paranoid because i have a lot of #trama and don’t trust my own judgement very well due to prior abuse so i was just extremely on guard but my walls came down a tiny tiny bit the next day. we agreed on almost everything and liked a lot of the same stuff, like every other sentence was “me too!” to the point that i thought he was fucking w me just to impress me or something/i was worried he thought i was doing the same. we drove back up to his city that night w a friend of mine to go to Another concert (lana del rey, i’ll expose this one) and i just remember having this feeling deep in my chest. not even butterflies. like when you stick a marshmallow on a branch and shove it into the flames of a campfire and the fluff bubbles and pops and drips the coal below, coating it in a sticky hot glaze. that’s how my heart felt. i listened to the shadows by peter & kerry and chanel by frank ocean and passion fruit by drake (lmfao) and felt like a marshmallow perpetually engulfed in flames. i felt so happy i could cry. i felt a little scared too but mostly happy. that’s also something i’ve read before that always stuck with me. something to do with when you meet the right person it’s not supposed to feel like an excited delirious fit of insects in your belly it’s supposed to feel calm and warm and comforting. and that’s kind of how it felt. i don’t know if that’s a 100% worldly truth because i don’t believe there is ever any one right way of Experiencing anything but i just remember thinking about that quote sometimes and being like “huh.” 

after that initial feeling of falling in love it just kept going. we saw each other for 2ish days every week from then on, until he evntually moved down here at the beginning of august. we’d only been dating for 6 months but a combination of unexpected situations just sorta pushed things along rather quickly. but i wasn’t nervous. which was strange because both of my longer term relationships got a bit rocky around discussing our futures together. i always claimed to dislike thinking too far ahead but in reality i disliked thinking about being tied to said people in said way. but with dorian i just felt joy. we stopped at ikea “just to look” on the way down and bought a vegetable knife, a cat bed for winnie and wesley,  a collapsible tunnel they never played in, 2 giant asymmetrical mauve plates, tupperware with yellow lids and lots of other miscellaneous stuff we didn’t really need nor did we have the money for.

as hard as 2018 was for me i would never reverse a second of it. not for anything in the entire world. i slowly lost all of my high school friends. i slowly lost my mind a little bit too. but he stuck with me through every bit of it. i can’t even begin to get into every wild ass thing that went down throughout the past year but we stood together through it all and that feels so fucking good. i sat on the phone before we lived together and listened to him cry because the world is too cold and i cried with him because i was freezing. he picked me up and carried me home when i ran out of the house crying so hard my head was spinning and i couldn’t see past my tears after the end of one of my longest friendships. a man stared at us from across the street and i sobbed until i couldn’t breathe. 

we’re not perfect people and sure anything could happen. we could break up tomorrow. sure. believe me i know that anything can happen. like i said earlier, i have a sizeable matching tattoo with an ex best friend who i essentially thought i’d end up buried next to. but like i said earlier, no, i don’t regret it. and i would never regret love like this. but i also don’t think i will have to. never have i met someone who wants to understand me so fully. who loves me so unconditionally. who gave me the time to open up and decipher my thoughts and feelings and didn’t get tired of it. who helped me to realize that it isn’t me not functioning like ‘every one else’ that’s the problem, it was the self hatred bred from me believing that in the first place. acceptance. he accepted me as i was and i accepted him as he was. i remember saying i felt like i needed someone like me when it came to relationships. growing up i was very drawn to “opposites attract!” and sayings like that, most likely because of my self deprecating disposition, but after the end of my second relationship i knew i was wrong. my whole life i have felt misunderstood and disconnected and alone in my head and like the butt of every joke like a punchline on loop. he was the first person to ever really take me out of that. to sit there while i cried and babbled incoherently about how i just couldn’t put the words together to express why i was upset or tell anyone where it hurts. why i was anxious. why i was mad. i remember clearly sitting with him in my old apartment while my ex roommate/best friend was at work and  crying and saying i didn’t know how to ‘say it’ and him explaining back to me everything he’d heard from me so far and his interpretation and i cried and cried and cried and i felt seen for maybe the first time in my entire life. i don’t know what’s in me to make me feel so incredibly separate, and to in turn isolate myself out of this immensely penetrating sense of isolation, but he was the first to extend a hand and actually mean it. i’ve been too many people’s empty shell of a girl to project everything they wanted to see onto. it’s easy to do that with someone who rejects themselves because what is there to lose if you’re not afraid to lose it? i wasn’t perfectly healed when we met, i will never be ‘perfectly’ healed. he was not either and i do not expect him to be. i’m only 20 so really what do i know about life at all. nothing lmao. but i know that dorian is my fucking rock. and i’m his fucking rock. and if i asked him if he wanted to move to another city tomorrow and build a house out of rocks we collected on the drive there he would say yes. and i know i’ve never felt afraid with him. i know i’ve never felt demeaned or belittled or laughed at. i know we play like teething puppies who roll around and bite at one another but are always having fun and if one of us goes too far the play immediately stops and we lick each other in apologies and forgiveness and start our play again. i know we can say ‘i’m sorry’ without the slightest bit of hesitation or resentment because what’s the point of meaningless pride in all of this. don’t we hate that shit anyways? i know i stopped off the freeway and chased a dog with you and both of our best friends at the time a mile or so down the road but he just kept running farther and farther away until we eventually gave up on catching him. i know after that we drove back to my city holding hands and listening to the playlist i made you while we drove 80 mph through the inky black desert. i know i glanced over at you mouthing all of the words to a few of the songs. this is one of my favorite memories. the beginning of our love in it’s most raw form, to me at least. i know we texted each other paragraphs and you couldn’t pay me to take me away from those conversations. i know the entanglement of my volatile emotions and pride gets in the way of things sometimes but i also know when to cut it because that shit’s stupid anyways. i know our composite chart has our moon, mercury and venus in the 7th house and that made me smile because the girl on twitter who read sza’s chart said that was a favorable aspect for marriage. i know that i don’t really believe in marriage but i wouldn’t mind celebrating our love and making the playlist for the wedding and probably getting mad over people talking over “this part!” i know that you’ve never once discouraged me or limited me. i know that we’ve been through things together that would cause most to trip and break a bone or two, at least. but not once have i questioned my love for you. i’ve said doubtful things once or twice, but please understand and believe me when i say that it was only out of habit. isolation. i push back when things hurt. it’s easy for me to leap to worst case scenario in the blink of an eye. my formative teenage years were spent with someone who yelled at me and guilt tripped me and demanded and demeaned and demanded and demeaned and when i left for the second time they didn’t demand anything from me that time. it was a couple of hours later when i got a call from my mother telling me they’d attempted suicide immediately after leaving my house. i felt as collapsible as the tunnel our cats never used. everything i was afraid of came true. i’ve lived in fear for a very long time. you’re the first person to show me there is nothing to be afraid of and to love me with no strings attached. you just wanted to understand me as much as i wanted to understand you. you made me feel wanted, but after i’d began wanting myself, too. i’m just happy we met when we did, and i hope you are too. we’re both damaged in different places but maybe the damage only allows for more love to leak out and accumulate in our bloodstreams- just in different ways than we expected. i love you dorian. and i can’t end things i just ramble and connect and ramble and connect until i stop somewhere suddenly. i just love you i love you i love you i love you i love you. i know that i saw angel numbers before we ever met and that angel number turned out to be my life path number (which i found out about a year later). 333. 333. 333. 333. i know if you add 1 to either digit of my birthday you get your birthday (17 & 28). i know we both loved my chemical romance and fetty wap when we were younger. i know your moon is my sun and your rising is my moon and in some strange way that correlates to you telling the same jokes i’m thinking but don’t always have the energy or will to say. i know that i played you a song off the playlist i made for you before i told you it was made for you and you knew it and had sampled it previously and i thought you were fucking with me because it’s not a very well known song. i know that you texted me telling me you found the song and scrapped it and rewrote and recorded it for me and named it after the color of my nails. i know that you are everything i’ve ever wanted in love but could never put into words much like everything else i’ve felt deeply in this life. i know you don’t rush me at thrift stores because you like them as much as i do. i know you and you know me and that’s all i’ve ever wanted. i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you. 

--

The Shadows / Peter & Kerry

Relax my hands on the table Uncurl my fingers to reveal superficial indentations Crescent moon shapes mark the surface of my palms It's twilight: your shadows lurking over again Your shadows lurking over again Try to hinder foolish pride From shooting out my mouth like a gust of wind And blowing out your light All I want is you to shine And I'll wait here with you until sunrise I'll wait here with you until sunrise I'll wait here with you until sunrise I'll wait here with you until sunrise I am blinded by your light Your dark shadows always lurking behind you I am blinded by your light Your dark shadows always lurking behind you And I'll wait here with you until sunrise

[onghwangs]

now i'm curious! who's your personal top 11 vs what you want the top 11 to be?

Wow okay…my personal top 11 is comprised of ppl I foundenjoyable to watch and have fun cheering for, I’m a sucker for dumb fools and hiddenstorylines so yeah. 

But, man if they put this group together I would screambecause noooomg it would mostly be a comedy troupe than an idol group. theymight as well be called 10gagmen1straightman (10G1S)

(edited for guys in the top 59, in no particular order) 

yoon jisung- I likedhim ever since ep 1. I think that most, if not all of the trainees were chatteringaway during the auditions but I find that he seems to not really censor hismouth. I think a lot of the trainees are very and tense image conscious (theyshould be due to mnet) and Jisung (and the other MMO guys) were more relaxed. He’s funny but not offensive funny…Iremember like when Daehwi was explaining his avengers team, Jisung was likeyeah, go ahead and eat up all the popular members, Dahewi and JKKSJDKSJKJKSTHAT MAN. He seems like a genuinely fun and nice person to be a round, judgingby how he seems close to both his label-mates and his 10/10 group-mates….anyways📢📢📢I LVOETHIS MAN AND THAT ANTI WHO DM’D HIM TO GET HIM IN TROUBLE CAN SRSLY FCUK OFF!!!📢📢📢

kim taemin -  he was so cute in his intro vid but he was sonervous his voice was shaking so much lmao poor thing…. But im fucking….ifthere’s really a meme in this show, it’s taemin…everything they show of him, he’smaking a damn fool of himself. Him screaming in the hiddenbox thing, himfailing to do headstands, him dancing to nayana…yeah I lof the fool!! What reallymade me like him was him acting so surprised and happy when someone called hisname wayyyy back during the first nayana perf. Like….he seemed so amazed to have fans lmao what a gem. He’salso quite photogenic too.

Ong seongwu – THEBEST ALL ROUNDER IMO???????????? He’s a good singer ( hE WAS ONE OF THE 6TRAINEES THAT SANG PICK ME! WITHOUT HIM THERE WOULD BE NO NAYA NA), a great dancer, already has charisma and is hotwhile being complete dork? Amazing. I really adore him and his three moles and I’msuper worried for when the 1-pick voting comes because he doesn’t seem to havea lot of individual fans (someone prove me wrong pls)

Park Jihoon –yeah that wink got me shook. But yeah, srsly speaking, his wink did catch myeye but I thought he was going to be wayyyyyy to cute-ish for my tastes. I wassurprised by the way he carried himself (cute, but not too much, he seems to bevery calm too).  I think he’s skilled butcan improve much more (esp his singing) so I look forward to his improvement!! @mnetI’m still waiting for his angry clip L I LOVE HIM SO MUCH I WOULD BUY ALL THELIPBALM HE NEEDS, JUST TELL ME WHAT BRAND U WANT BOY, I”LL GET U A SUPPLY SOBIG THEY’LL OFFER U AN ENDORSEMENT DEAL

Kim Yehyeon – He seemslike a really sweet guy and this story is what basically made me stan him (andgave him that 39+ rank rise) my boy is a fuckin saint he went to the emergencyroom because he was too overworked and he had to perform Be Mine will injured..T_T He did not almost die for no screentime and continuous repeats and zoom-insof ppl gulping….anyways he’s also dumb, you should support 

Lee Junwoo – an actualbaby!!!!!!!! He caught my eye in episode 0 but I totally forgot who he wasuntil I saw his famous TATATA dance. What I liked about him was that he didn’t completelygive up after messing up and he kept on going hard @ the dance (he even made itto a C despite those mistakes!) he’s an awesome dancer and has good expressions!I really look forward to seeing his Shape of You stage (I think) I heard it wassupposed to be real good. I’m also screaming because he looks like a baby is ashuge as an elephant IRL 184CM HOOOLLLLLY

kim yongguk – I gotto know him because of that pann post and I support and adore him so much butnot as much as kim sihyun does!!!!! He’s a pretty nice vocalist and pretty goodsinger..but I think because baekho stole the entire stage, it’s hard to judgehis stage presence,  I really do lookforward to seeing his stage and seeing him be more of a savage!

Ahn hyungseop – Ilove him, he’s such a textbook slyth, he even expressed disappointment ingetting a lower rank than before. I can see why ppl don’t like him (similar todaehwi) but I really do adore him and his quirky ways. While I think he’s agood performer, I do think he would be more a B-rank rather than A. I’m stillnot quite convinced of his singing just yet….

Joo Haknyeon – tbh,I feel like he was born to be an idol with a face like that, I think it has amore idol-ish feel than Jihoon’s. I find that he’s a really decent dancer too!I do wish he had a better audition song…like why’d u choose that song and b-boyto it omf. He seems to be a total sweetheart as well! Hanywayz…..i wanna seemore of his friendship with ong, they seem to be good friends as well Y_Y @mnetGIV EHIM MORE SCREENTIME.

Yoo Seonho – it’sa surprised to me how much I like him?? He’s so cute and harmless lmao. I can totallysee why he was casted, along with guanlin, and sent out despite being only trainees for 6 months. they will super popular in thefuture (if cube doesn’t fuck up). I’m not really expecting much from him, beinga 6 month trainee, but he did surprisingly ok in sorry sorry compared to hisexperience, I’m looking forward to seeing his next stage. He also seems to be agreat guy, judging by his fanaccs and activities.

Yeo Hwanung – he’sa great dancer and stable vocalist, why is he being slepton?????????????????????? He seems super sweet and patient with Justin too likegoing through the notes together…

Notable mentions: everyone else, I fucking love and support all of them!!!!!! I just find these 11 really interesting at the moment.

—

 hennyways……here’s my top final 11 AKA B.O.I. …sorta. I thinkit’ll probably change after the next eps as people come to prove themselvesmore!! But this group, I’ll be pretty comfortable with them debuting and confident that they will be able to handle different concepts, all can carry their weight, etc. (in noparticular order)

Ong Sungwoo – HAHAHAHA iLL SERIOUSLY QUIT THIS GROUP IF ONGDOESN’T GET IN LIKE SRSLY HE’S GOT IT ALL I’m SO FUKCING SCARED OF HIS FUTURE THAT’SHOW MUCH I LOVE HIM???

Kang Daniel – He’s another well rounder. So he seems like areal sweet person but he ( along with Ong ) don’t really seem to take shit fromppl and I like that they speak there mind, though I want him to be careful ofhis actions as well LMAO. He’s also a fuckn miracle worker, my friend went fromdisliking him in ep2 to being a full stan by ep5 so I think he seems to be aperson that would keep fans engaged for a long time.

 Park Jihoon – Yeah, I’m kinda being biased, but he’d doreal well as a stan attractor! He dancing is good and I feel like he’ll improveon his singing soon….okay enough…

Kim Jaehwan – holyyy shit his voice is sooo good. All theguys in sorry sorry team 2 were good, but the dude carried the vocals for histeam, lbr. Im sincerely hoping he pulls up into the final 11, the vocals would get a huge upgrade holy shit son.

 Im Youngmin – alpacaaaaa aaaaaa!! He’s growing on me somuch and seems to be a very kind person, teaching the be mine moves foreveryone. I love that group so much, they seem genuinely close to each other !!  His rapping is good and he seems to be quitecharismatic on stage

Kim Taedong – His jump from F to A holyyyy shit whattaman!!!  His moves are sharp and he’s astable singer, I’m really liking what I’m seeing from him so far. I think he’s real idol material and he seems likea complete dork too, I loff!!!!!!

Yoon Heeseok, lmaoooo he’s also another living meme. He’san excellent singer, I really want him to work on his dancing a bit though but heseems to be improving quite nicely, from F-B. his shoulders are also killer.

Lee Daehwi – Another all-rounder. He doesn’t deserve thehate he gets, I honestly hope he makes it, he has the skills and personality tomake it into the idol world. He’s a sweet boy.

-(wildcards) x 3

 lmao okay I cheated, it’s because I haven’t fully decidedyet….i still wanna see more perfs Lbut here are a list of guys I would love to see in the final line up as well.

Wildcards:

from my personal top 11: jisung, yongguk, hyungseob, hwanung,anyone that shows they’ve got what it takes/improves immensely

vocals: sewoon, hoeseung, woodam, gwanghyun(???), donghyun,dongsu, kiwon, keonhee, seonglee. youjin

rap: woo jinyoung, namhyung, big woojin

dance: hyunmin, eunki, kenta, samuel, kim donghan

nu’est, hotshot members: I’m reallllllllly conflicted inthis. In a perfect world, they don’t make it in the top 11 but their companiesgive them comebacks they need and the make it big and win awards and it’s the perfectcomeback story lmao…but I’ll still be happy with any of them in the line up aswell

wow i’m sorry i wrote too long jdksajd

[i-wont-be-forgotten]

January 17 2017, 2:01 am

no. just no.

I've already been through this phase and I refuse to accept this happening again. I don't wanna feel like this anymore. I never wanted to. and I've been through so much more than that and still am but this thing fucks me up like it was a huge deal.

it's 2 am and I still can't sleep and all I can think about is how fucking stupid I am and this whole situation. why? why does it have to be me? and why does it have to be her out of all people?

I didn't ask for this and I'm so done feeling this way. it's been over a year and it's still there. I get it, I'm not supposed to be happy. but there are so many other stuff that's so much more important so why is this thing all I can think about at 2 am in the morning?

no. I don't want this. all I want is to be able to sleep when I want to without any unwanted thoughts about her.

I have no clue why this is even such a big deal for me, I've been through so much and guess what I'm thinking about? about shit that fucks me up for whatever reason.

I just wish I was able to let go of this shit. I wanna get over it, I want it to be over. this is not even funny anymore, it's been so long and no matter what I do it's still there. goddamnit. I just wanna think about something else, like yknow the important things that are going on or just something else, ANYthing else. but I always keep on getting back to those thoughts. about her. and I'm so fucked if someone I know personally reads this but what the hell am I supposed to do? I can't talk about this with anyone. I can't write about it anywhere else. I have to get this out of my head. just like that.

at first it was okay like yea whatever that's the way it is. I never expected this feeling to get stronger and stronger after time and fuck yes if it could just go away I'd be so damn grateful. why tho. why does this have to be? why does it have to simply be there? why the FUCK do I have to fall for someone I can never obtain? for someone who never liked me that way back? for someone I never had a chance with and will never have a chance with? why? why can't it be someone else? why her? what did I do to deserve this?

this situation is beyond frustrating. some days I don't even get bothered by it that much but sometimes like tonight it's just fucking me up man. holy fucking shit. I'm not even mad anymore I'm almost going completely apeshit.

I wanna meet someone. like meet someone else. someone who will treat me right. who's there for me no matter what. who gives me hope and gives me a reason to wake up every morning. someone who makes me laugh when I'm at my worst. someone who does everything they can to help me when I'm breaking down and freak the f out. someone who lights up my worse days and makes the good days the best days of my life. basically.. just someone like her without being her.

feeling so stupid dear Lord. can anyone like please hug me I just really need a hug. this things rough. I never thought I'd be so puzzled because of someone. so crazy for one single person. this is madness. pure madness.

like I don't even know what the hell my problem is. I'm so happy with how things turned out, that I'm talking to her again and maybe even be able to call her a friend again some day. she was the best friend I needed and besides all that crap that makes me go insane this is good. I never fought for someone that bad, I never wanted to have someone back that much. I don't know what it is, if it's the way we joke around or the way she understands me so well, better than anyone and sometimes even better than myself. maybe it's none of that.

maybe it's just her.

cause she's so fucking amazing just the way she is. with every little thing. I never saw myself being so cheesy as I am when I think about her before, I never before felt this way and it's stressing me out. so many years I had no idea how anyone could just get to know someone like really get to know someone and everything they went through and what not and still say that they're perfect. what even is perfect tho. I don't even know how to explain this but after all this time she's still perfect to me.

it's not about how good someone is at something or what a great life they have or how flawless they are. hell no. it's all of those things that you would expect to make someone "less perfect". their perfect imperfections. it's basically everything that makes them who they are. and I don't care what anyone else says about this or about her but I won't change my opinion on that. people talk a lot of shit about everyone, about her and me and seriously everyone and I won't let someone's stupid opinion influence the way I think/feel about someone. she's perfect to me. end of story.

and if I only could be anything like her and get my shit together so I wouldn't have to be awake at 2:51am not knowing how to deal with my stupid feelings that no one wants. I wouldn't have to rage on about how much I hate love. because hell yes I hate it. it sucks and I want it to stop.

I don't want feelings when they are one-sided. I wanna move on but I can't. I can't let go of her. I don't know why but I can't. I tried everything to get over her but I can't. and this indeed is fucking stupid.

it's even more stupid that I can't manage to stop posting anything about this but what else am I supposed to do when I can't talk to someone about it? didn't wanna mention that but it's just wonderful when someone tells you if you're feeling down because of whatever you can talk to them but when you DO try to talk to them about it they're like "you know I won't talk with you about this". why thank you. but this person's dead to me anyways.

3:00am. guess I'll stop writing now and try to get some sleep. not that I tried that for hours already haha.

if anyone read all this well congrats you made it through another upset post I'm wrote while being simply frustrated and unable to cope. would be nice if anyone could message me tbh but no one's doing that anyways. oh well.

that's it.

[thedappleddragon]

today was pretty nice :) I spent most of it playing Stardew valley, marrying Maru and making it about halfway through winter. I moved to the island like I said but returning for festivals and stuff, but it feels dramatic and sad, leaving my wife on the mainland, returning home from sea after a lover’s eternity... I hope staying the island doesn't slow down the progress of getting a baby. I know it normally happens in the middle of the night and you partner asks if you want to have/adopt a baby, and I assume you can't do that if you're not in the same bed, but I wonder if you have to spend x many nights together first. idk I;ll probably just look it up on the wiki. I think I'm going to try for 100% completion on this file, even though that means having the warp towers or whatever theyre called on your farm. I'll probably just stick them in a corner somewhere with my slime hutch. I've never tried the slime hutch before, and I still have yet to build it. I think it’ll be fun/interesting. other than stardew, I went outside for a little bit today. I tried hanging out with my cat in the backyard but she turned and ran when I set her in front of the door lol. I laid on the trampoline for a while until it got windy and I went back in. around 7 I was getting hungry and remembered what my dad said about doctoring up the chicken bow tie pasta thing in the freezer, so I started work on that. the first thing I did was sautés some mushrooms in butter, and DAMN THEY WERE SO GOOD I could eat a whole bowl of just mushrooms I swear to GOD. but I didnt do that thankfully. after the mushrooms were done I set them aside and dump the frozen bag into the pan and let it sit for a whole. I added a lot of spinach, a little mozzarella, parmesan, onion, garlic power, salt, pepper, ya know. I felt like a chef :) its all about throwing shit in a pan and having fun with it. I ended up eating over half and left the rest in a bowl in the fridge for my dad, but his work catered fizollis so he was full and a little pasta’d out. he poked his head into my room and said he had a taste and said it was really good, but he left the rest in the fridge. my sister came home from the final 4 basketball game her friend invited her to and I let her have the rest of it. but tbh I'm a little hungry and would have ate it myself if neither of them were home right now. I took a little time to do a couple sketches today. I don't want to fall too hard out of practice. tbh I think I need to sit down and re-learn a bunch of anatomy shit, because drawing and looking at my own drawings feel like dissociating because it’s overworked but unfinished at the same time and mehfdjshad idk. I'll do that eventually. I should do some semi-serious practices and get into the rhythm of that before college starts up so I dont flop on the first day. I hope my art teachers re nice. I have a couple things I need to sign up for college-wise, and I still have to sign up to get my vaccine. I looked up the process but then got overwhelmed trying to choose which one to get since I dont know the goddamn differences. I suggested to my sister that we get vaccinated at the same time since she’s eligible now, and might as well. I'll probably have to go through my dad for help with the appointment since my mom is anti-vax >:/ but he’s going to be annoying about it to because he’s just like that when it comes to scheduling things. bleh. it’s fine, I dont have to think about this tonight. I'm in a little bit of. weird mood, so I'll probably either take a shower or at least wash my face and see if that helps.