#idk maybe i need more therapy | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

unimportantweirdo · 1 year ago

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i have a couple things to say so i shall say them in the tags

legit just me getting my thoughts out so feel free to ignore

#first off #idk if the label 'panromantic' fits as much any more #basically im attracted to anyone that is not a man irl and unattainable men #in my head im pan in theory and ig lesbian in practice?#like its safe to be attracted to mgg or fictional men or even the guys i see on tiktok bc i will never see them irl #but not safe to be attracted to my male friend who has been open about being attracted to me #maybe its the trauma? only men have fucked me over romantically/sexually?#idk thats something i need to think about #second thing #i think im often in a very low level dissociative state #like im making tiktoks and on a logical level ik its me #but also theres a definite disconnect #like if i scrolled onto one of my tiktoks on my fyp i wouldnt immediately recognise myself #weirdly its like #sometimes i look really pretty or cool or handsome and that has such a strong disconnect to how i think i look #that i will just... depersonalise from that photo or video or whatever #like ik what *they* look like #but *they* are not *me*#idk maybe i need more therapy

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freewayshark · 7 months ago

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It really does make me wonder what else has been shot down by Fox. Because buddie is obviously the thing that we’re more able to clearly connect dots on even before Oliver started saying anything about any of it, but you know it’s not the only thing, we just don’t have the threads to pull on for anything else

#I have this theory that is less a theory and more a feeling #because it has no basis outside my own impossible to pin down vibes #but it makes me wonder about Maddie and Chim #both as their own characters and a couple #idk maybe it’s the way that Maddie was often So isolated as a character outside of Chim and Buck and only occasionally Athena #maybe it’s the way Chim keeps getting put through the wringer without very much acknowledgement #not that I think every incident any of them has needs a trauma arc #but it gets brushed off. a lot #maybe it’s even the way we had that couples therapy line in the 6.01 synopsis that just never happened #I don’t know! like I said it’s vibes but I would love to know if there was meddling there as well #and also with anyone else too of course

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myokk · 6 months ago

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Sebastian had a few days leave from duty so he visited Eloise😇😇

#im literally OBSESSED with Eloise😩#and this AU😇🙏#they are maybe late 20s/early 30s here I wanted to experiment a bit #anyways I was reading A Little Life at the beach today #and ngl I was tearing up literally ALL the time!!! 😤😤😤#it’s just so beautifully written & I find myself relating so heavily and I get gut punches every few pages where I need to stop reading #and just process it #idk maybe I am sentimental today LOL #It’s just…it’s making me think about the fact that I’ve never really Belonged in any one place and neither have the characters #my mom is the product of Bulgarian/swedish immigrants to the US and my dad is a Spanish pueblo man 😂#and their experiences/culture/languages etc etc have shaped my life soooooooo much🙏#but like at the same time. too reserved to truly fit in with the Spanish but too open/blunt for the midwest #idk it is weird to explain #anyways I just keep moving forward & make my own way🙏🙏🙏#thank you for coming to my free Therapy Session in the hashtags (bc nobody reads these😂😂😂😂)#also if you did & you also read a little life please🙏 or if you want to talk about books in general🙏🙏#hogwarts legacy #hogwarts legacy fanart #hphl #sebastian sallow #hogwarts legacy mc #hogwarts legacy oc #eloise #oh also this is a recreation of a Porco Rosso scene😇😇🙏🙏#but I changed the colors a LOT & also a bit more when I sketched it up

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telesodalite · 22 days ago

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Sort of a ramble, sort of me just writing my thoughts out while I'm stuck with writer's block, but I keep thinking about how Fulcrum was in stasis for roughly 3 million years??

Like, that's a long time, even for Cybertronians. Not a really long time, not an entire lifespan. But still, it's a large chunk of a normal lifespan just gone. Poof.

One second you're crawling across the pockmarked terrain of an alien planet, surrounded by the sound of gunfire, and the shouting and screaming before and after each earth shuddering impact of another k-con hitting the ground. And then it's quiet. You're not there anymore. You're drifting somewhere between not alive and just asleep. Preserved somewhere in the background of a doomed body, ignored by time and space, still here, but also not.

And then there's sound. Not gunfire. Not shouting or screaming. Not the sounds that'll haunt you till your dying days, your own death sentence pounding in your head. No. Just voices, talking, standing out against a silent, dead world. Wondering. Joking. Bickering. Familiar. Just, not familiar to you. And you're awake. Pulled back from the nothingness you've been frozen in, consciousness tugged forwards with the yank of a fuel pump and the nearness of life.

These two moments are roughly 3 million years apart, but only minutes, maybe even seconds, to him. From a hectic harrowing battlefield, to an old silent graveyard in one blink.

How long did it take to really sink in? I mean, he seems to just roll with it. He doesn't seem particularly bothered. But like, what happened outside of what we see? How did he really feel?

Also, his body aged without him. While his mind preserved itself, freezing him as he was right then, his body was left to weather Clemency for all those years. No wonder it crumbled to dust when he jumped off the world sweeper. It's probably a miracle of some kind that it didn't just fall apart each time someone leaned on him.

And even after they rebuild him, give him a better, newer body. His spark, it's casing, all the irreplaceable core bits that make up their inner bodies, it aged in the time without him. Does he feel it? Does it make his body even more foreign to him?

Then he's also a technician with information that's 3 million years out of date. Lucky him that the scavengers probably weren't working with top of the line material. But still it's gotta be weird when faced with anything brand new, because a lot can change and progress in 3 million years, and now some of the knowledge he once prided himself in is obsolete.

Besides those things, his view of the galaxy, of the war, of their kind, of other kinds, is one of the few things actually pointed out when it comes to him being stuck in the past. So, how often were his old views challenged? Facts of life he held close proved to no longer true? There's 3 million years worth of new science, new beliefs, new words, new terms, new views.

And sure, some of it can be familiar, because they're an ever evolving kind, and they have patterns, core beliefs, repeating behaviors, but a lot of it's gonna be unfamiliar at the same time, because it's 3 million years worth of catch up, it's not like missing last week's trend.

In a way, it makes him a living relic of a bygone era for Decepticons. It would've been really interesting to have had that explored a little more.

#rq i wanna say i love seeing others thoughts on these if you have them. esp those that have thought about it longer than i lol #like. im still just starting to sink my teeth into the lore and put things together. so your thoughts are much appreciated #sometimes i wish that i could turn these rambles into those really well worded. slightly pretentious. but in a fun way. character metas?#but i dont think i can organize my thoughts that well. so. rambles it is lol #not to say rambling is lesser or smth tho. i love a good ramble. love to read them. i support ramblers #speaking of rambling-#idk why it fascinates me so. but theres just something rlly interesting about fulcrum being somewhat stuck in the past #i think it could've played interestingly into his and kroks dynamic had it been explored more?#like. the past and history play big parts in their lives. krok having studied it. and fulcrum having been fast forwarded thru it #it would've been interesting to see them talk more about it? since logically fulcrum wouldve gone to krok for more of the 3mill year rundow #and its like. krok is shown to be really knowledgeable on not only history. but cultures as well. theres and others.#so certain eras of their own culture would probably be a slight interest of his. esp decepticon ones.#and then theres fulcrum. who pretty much got plucked from the empire era only to land in kroks lap (metaphorically) ((...unless?))#so heres this walking talking piece of history. and a dude that has a sort of passion for history. why not explore it more?#and like. yeah. the ''history'' krok has studied is all mostly shit he lived through. but people study the times they lived through-#-because while they may have lived through it. theirs is only one perspective. a good historian takes into account multiple perspectives #idk where i'm going with this now. smth smth fulcrum relying on krok for future stuff and krok having someone to talk history stuff with #i just. augh. i wanna know what their dynamic is more. what we see in the comics is so back and forth at times #like. they seem to hit it off pretty well. but then fulcrum fucks it up ig by being oblivious and a little too ''i can fix him'' vibey #and his taste in comedy is bad. to say the least. which is apparently grounds for messy divorce #also krok is sometimes cool with selling a whole dude. at least when the dude is their befriended giant killer autobot buddy :/#that is also grounds for divorce. obviously #sorry. this is derailing the more i start thinking about how messy fulkrok could be. like. ough <3 #they're a little ''i hate my wife'' coded. but in a greater scav codependent poly way. and it's more krok being annoyed with fulcrum #its like. fulcrum: ''i can fix him bcs i need to feel validated'' vs krok: ''wtf is wrong with this guy?! who does he think he is??''#i think they'd want to pick each other apart intellectually. maybe emotionally. smth smth two officers. both disgraced. and power dynamics #its fun. they're both hypocrites. they'd need couples therapy. its also 4am. shit. ok goodnight

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pierregaslays · 6 months ago

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:(

#i literally feel VIOLENTLY ill at the fact the hospital handled my mum’s passing so badly that her funeral is exactly ONE MONTH after it #i’ll forever be furious and angry and hurt and traumatised by the way they handled it #like A MONTH #it should not be happening this long after #and it’s her birthday on sunday so maybe i’m just feeling ten times worse because of that #but it’s not fair #it’s never gonna be fair #why the FUCK did she get taken from me like this #and then having to be the only one who knew about her funeral plans bc she only told me #and then everybody including my dad tells me how strong i am #IM NOT STRONG!!?!!?!??!?#i’m a girl who needs her mama. i’m just a girl who is so lost and confused and needs her mama #i literally want 2 die #tw death #i turned my tv off and immediately started crying bc i felt like the worst person in the world #did i not love her enough #should i have been better to get #*her #idk i just want her to know i adored her #and i need to hear her voice and get a hug #one of the last things she said to me was ‘i love you more’ well i love you most so how about that #tw grief #i am never getting over losing her #please . feel free to let me rant i just feel like i can’t talk to my dad or family bc like idk .#i always talked to my mum about my emotions and well! that can’t happen anymore lmfao 😭#i just need a place to vent the HELL out of my feelings bc i am not going back to therapy

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my-thoughts-and-junk · 2 months ago

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my 1 (one) stardew opinion is shane should not have won the bachelor poll

#stardew valley #like i love shane but his storyline is not improved by him being a marriage canidate #if anything his bland post-marriage dialogue and 14 heart event dampen the message #and clint would have been a GREAT bachelor #linus not so much because he would have suffered from the same post-marriage dialogue dampening as shane #and he's too much of a free spirit to be tied down to your farm #like maybe he'd have a similar romance path as krobus? like you don't get MARRIED married but you have a commitment ceremony!!!#and the wizard... need to be in a love square with the witch and caroline...#his hidden dialogue. the situation with abigail. his adulterous past. his condescending behavior towards the player.#i also don't think he'd marry the player though. would probably make you soul bonded or something #maybe it increases your health or smth? and if you get divorced your health gets cut in half for like a week while you slowly recover #idk i really like the idea of him cursing you if you divorce him. 'not a very mature way to express anger' my ass #clint... i need to marry him...#there's a mod which makes his storyline WAYYY too similar to shane for my liking #with him going to therapy and stuff #but it DID make him realize being around emily makes him uncomfortable which i really like #i think a good route for him to go down would be him recognizing that what he feels for emily is not love or even desire #it's anxiety. emily is nice to him which makes him uncomfortable because no one is nice to him #which he confuses for attraction and he confuses her kindness for reciprocation #i think if emily ever asked him out he would turn her down #like emily would come up to you and be like 'hey i realize clint has a crush on me and i think it's really sweet so i'm gonna ask him out'#and then she does and he just goes 'O-O erm... no thank you...'#which confuses emily but she accepts being turned down and later on #clint talks to you about it like 'i thought that was what i wanted but her asking me out made me really uncomfortable and i don't know why'#and in a romance route he gets with you specifically because you make him feel calm :)#originally i wanted to say this was my most controversial stardew opinion but a LOT of people hate shane. so #also emily shouldn't have won the poll either!!!#sandy would have been a MUCH better option to flesh out her character and the desert more #marnie would have been interesting considering her relationship with mayor lewis #and i hate penny so i would fuck her mom out of spite lmaoooo

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the-fidgety-fiddler · 1 month ago

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...

#made it back to school last night from my childhood hometown in NC #i feel so strange... i got there on thursday afternoon and came back yesterday but i feel like that weekend lasted a month #i think i am in shock still.. the area i grew up in is so utterly and completely devastated i can hardly comprehend it #not to mention the surrounding states...#and even though we were just trying to survive while i was there and it was so so scary .. it was only temporary for me #i get to go home to my cushy apartment with running water and electricity while some of my closest friends and family are wondering #if they can get enough water #and so many have lost their livelihoods or even their lives #some of them have gotten water and power back but others are still stuck. and i feel like i am still there even though im not.#its like this weird anxious guilty numbness feeling that wont go away and gets worse whenever i turn on lights or see a case of water.#i dont live there anymore but I am so emotionally tied to that area ... and i was there for the storm and saw the aftermath #but its not actually my home so i feel like... i dont know what I feel actually.#but i dont feel good #and then i feel guilty for feeling bad too!! like I dont deserve to be upset or traumatized?? maybe i should go to therapy again...#idk if any of this even makes sense... and i dont mean to be all me me me during all of this. i guess I am just tired and need to vent a bi #anyway please please pray for the people affected by the hurricane. and if you can donate that would be so so wonderful.#it seems like it will be years for the area to fully recover. if it ever even does.#if youve read this far you have my apologies for my word slop... heres a heart for you 🩷 and a caterpillar 🐛 i think i need to go to bed #i have class and rehearsal tomorrow. even though all of that just seems kind of pointless to me right now #but maybe more sleep will help...#my post

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shrineofdolls · 2 months ago

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why was that therapist telling me to go get laid by multiple people when I told her about my rape like wtf is That About ??? this is my current live posted shower thought. I am Very annoyed right now. there is water droplets on my phone and I am quite angry at this lady who no longer is relevant to my life anymore. I am steamed in this steamy shower over her negligence and everybody needs to fucking know.

#melloof #she told me to get over it because it happened when I was under 18 #and that maybe I should accept that I was just a child with an underdeveloped brain 🤪#so I told myself that my brain was developed enough over and over because she told me my brain wouldn't be developed enough until I was 30!#my brain is too underdeveloped to understand rape or multiple molestations I guess #still have three more years until I'm developed enough woooo !!!#she also told me being nonbinary was too new for her to understand and that I should go see somebody else if I needed help with that #a year into therapy. she was fine with it before though! idk what happened. she just... flipped !!!

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deadrlngers · 2 years ago

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i was tagged by @shadowglens and @risingsh0t to make some ocs in this picrew. thank you so much besties, i loved this picrew so much!! <3

vesper moxley (cp2077) • victoria gray (cp2077) joelle knight (fo4) • nina bower (fo4) selene (oblivion) • hiraeth (skyrim)

tagging: @uldwynsovs @arklay @devilbrakers @nuclearstorms @morvaris @girlbosselrond @indorilnerevarine @moiragf @cultistbase @faarkas @steelport @nokstella @reaperkiller @malefiicarum @brujah @calenhads @lightwardens @aelyosos and whoever else wants to do this or that i missed bc i'm terribly forgetful sorry!!

#tag games #warning i accidentally infodumped in the tags i'm sorry ignore me 😔 ckjsdhdskj #made this based on relationships idk why jdksd. victoria is vesper's bestie 4 life & first gf. joelle & nina my fave wlw married couple #and then for the last one. listen. i've resurected a very old oc and i'm still not so sure but i miss skyrim so bad. they idea is that #they are related as in hiraeth is a descent of selene bc i think dragonborn=martin septim's child> family line going forward until we #have our little hiraeth. i never thought of selene & martin having a kid in canon (only stupid ideas of an au) but u know. what if. she #still ends up in the shivering isles tho and becomes sheogorath. hiraeth's bloodline having like an emperor & a daedric prince. OK KING!!#much to think about tbh. not sure if they/she(probably he too. thinking of their gender as therapy for myself) will stick as nord or maybe #wood elf too like selene. or maybe even dunmer?? it makes no sense fjkdfhk IDK. literally i HAVE so much to think for them #also their name came to me bc i read the welsh word Hiraeth that basically means 'a mixture of longing yearning nostalgia homesickness'#+ 'an expression of an empty desire and grief over a past life or place' and with drangonborns i like to push the idea of 'maybe they were #actual dragons in a past life and now human' u know?? so i thought it was sooo fitting. i also like the idea of the more dragon souls #they absorb the more their features turn..dragonesque?? draconic jkfdhfkdsj idk i love them very much (:#(i have no idea how dragon in past life + martin's bloodline can fit but i'm literally only vibing rn)#i want to replay skyrim SO bad but i need someone to hold my hand so tightly as they help me set up mods for this game bc i never played #skyrim with mods (collective gasp) and i have no idea of what to pick ecc especially bc everything..breaks with a snap of fingers so yea ri #SORRY for talking so much i get excited about new things (my oc in this case) so easily..#oc: vesper #oc: victoria #oc: joelle #oc: nina #oc: selene #oc: hiraeth #ALSO FUCK OFF JOELLE IS SOOOOOOOOO CUTE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

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talkorsomething · 3 months ago

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I can't sleep again.

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #лёва паспрабуе АДК #it's not about that. i'm just tired.#(stayed up too late for the first time in a while)#well... it compounded the issues.#i look like some guy with my blurry vision and yet its not enough and i dont know WHY #i do know why. have you ever not been seen?#flipped the coin from independence within my grasp to nothing is ever going to get me out of here #not even 'getting out of there' got me out #i can't wait for guard season again but i'm worried it's only going to put me right back into the depression mines #... seasonal depression notwithstanding #i need to make a choice at auditions and its whether i will be out; as me - and hopefully have a better season because of it #or just... stay like this. forever.#... my consult is right before second auditions pretty much. schedule that month is looking full..#anyways its not fair of me to expect anyone to check in on me #especially when one of my housemates seems to ... Also be going through it #and i can tell you now which of us is actually likely to talk about it and its NOT me #i'm not built for this idk. i never should have taken her up on that job offer.#...... i'm thinking about relapsing again. more seriously considering it.#i KNOW it's not good i KNOW it won't help but i dont know what fucking else will!!!!#remember when it felt like i was getting hobbies again?? so much for that..#.. i need to pull life into my *own* control but i need help to get there #and i can't even imagine being fully independent #... even if i'm taking all the right steps to get there #the MOST annoying revelation was that i could Maybe Actually benefit from therapy and the second most was that if i tell her this there is #almost no way any therapist she finds will be queer friendly #going to dig myself out of it. as always. mostly just not pushing myself right now but GOD does it suck.

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tollsoftheclockwerkbelle · 11 months ago

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can we get a movie about tigeress alone and unpack all of that please

#kung fu panda #tigeress #ive been watching the movies again and like #is anybody else bothered about the fact that whenever there are emotional moments with Tigeress there is like. SO MUCH to unpack there #and they just go yup. and don't go back to touch that ever again #um wait! go back! i think we should explore that a little maybe?#like when Tigeress talks about punching the ironwood trees for training and feeling nothing now. but she says it in a way that.... idk.#and Po is like 'WOW THAT IS HARDCORE' and she's just 'Oh. Yeah... I guess so?' like.. babe. Do you need therapy? (the answer is yes btw)#Like. can we please talk about the fact that Po and Tigeress lived the SAME story but Po gets his happy endings and closures and payoffs #and Tigeress has to just... keep existing #until she gets written out of the narrative ig :/#I love Po so much #<3 #but let's get some more love for Tigeress here too oh my god I am begging you please

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valleyofdeaddandelions7 · 1 year ago

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Questionable life choices wins!

My favorite comfort anime is about a traumatized,monotone,religious,mentally unstable 13 year old befriending an illiterate serial killer who pukes rainbows and together they go on this horror,Alice In Wonderland-esque journey to escape the building that they are trapped in.

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polyamorouspunk · 5 months ago

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Hug

#I feel like every time I pull myself back together in like a week or two I just fall apart again #and I don’t really want to do anything drastic but at the same time my little fix-it’s just feel like bandaids #like step one is going back to therapy for sure it is not uprooting my life and moving #but at the same time like until I can get that I’m a bit worried #like now I’m wondering if I really should work on finding a new job #like idk I don’t want to do anything big and drastic I just want to ride it out #but that hasn’t been working #like clearly the shit I’ve been doing isn’t working so maybe I do need to start taking more drastic measures like finding a new job #you know it was gonna be like okay let’s start with therapy #but that was like a week ago I only started looking for therapists like yesterday #on the one hand I’m like okay we need to start small and start with maybe therapy and see how that does before we make any bigger decisions #but then it’s like how many shitty days at work is too many #idk #punk gets mail #personal

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thedevotionaltour · 6 months ago

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man. thinking about how my insurance is out of network i feel so fucked i have so much money owed in therapy bills. literally over 1k bc of my weird insurance happenings and also bc idk if insurance was even doing its thing before i dont know and just other various things im sure i've forgotten. man.

#and i have no insurance card picture to upload from the medicaid i had in jan-mar none at all it's a damn scrap of PAPER. sigh.#it's less an ohhh nooo me not in therapy i dont feel the way i did last year when it was really I Need To Be Here but like. idk. idk #it's more just frustrating. all of it. all of it is so frustrating the situation and myself too are frustrating me #sometimes i just wish this shit was easier. i need to remember to send info to my therapist bc i forgot to text him back #and then i got embarrassed about it instead of just doing it and i still feel embarrassed and i have to email a place back and #i have to write a cover letter and submit a job app to who even knows if the position is available anymore and i just have so many things #and im failing at all of them poorly bc im actually an honest to god failure. whatever man.#at least i maybe hopefully get to go to the comic store tomorrow. maybe that will be fun #im gonna try and pick up some issues for friends. bc that is one of my summer tasks for myself bc i like sending comics to friends.#and i should get started on that.#vent.txt #< this got whinier and more self pitying miserable than i intended ahem. apologies.

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thedreadvampy · 1 year ago

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idk I had a very interesting therap today but I just

like it's all very well to recognise that I gotta have a fucking open-ended breakdown and jump face first into the Sadness Bog sometimes instead of sitting on all my feelings

but like

I still have to go to work, you know? it's like. ok yeah have a breakdown which like until you jump into it you don't know if it's going to last an hour or a year. yeah go ahead that's all grand. you do have to get up in the morning and go to work though. you're not allowed to not do that. or to not pay the rent or not shower or not eat.

like all my friends and loved ones are constantly like 'you know you're allowed to be sad right' and it's like. AM I??? because I STILL HAVE TO PAY RENT.

#red said #the thing my therapist keeps pointing out is like. i got on this adulthood thing WAY too early #metaphorically i have Had To Go To Work In The Morning since i was like. 4. bc i am congenitally incapable of #Not Thinking About Consequences. and it's so important to be Good and Tough and Have It Together #but like. maybe if id done more crying and melting down when i DIDN'T Have To Go To Work In The Morning bc i was a Literal Infant #i might be a more balanced adult now that i actually DO. Have To Go To Work In The Morning.#what do people like. do. when they have to have feelings but also meet adult responsibilities? impossible. gotta choose.#i think it doesn't help that i already really struggle to work a full time job. like I'm already late basically every day bc i a night guy #so it's like. there's no give in this. maybe if i was back into a 3-4 day week? but idk if i can afford that #but also the work is only partly work. it's also like. having human relationships. eating. washing. being a person.#but idk. like. until i have some genuinely open-ended time i think I'm gonna always find it impossible to actually let go #i said in therapy it's like. like sadness specifically is like a thick muddy bog. and i can dip a foot in it #but bc i know i need to be able to keep moving #i can only stick a foot in and deal with a bit of it if I'm holding onto something. so in practise i can only cry #right before it becomes inappropriate to cry. so like. end of a therapy session. heading to a train station after seeing someone.#that kind of thing. it's a safety thing.#it would be much more effectively Dealing With to go dive into the bog and plough through it #but I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THAT'LL TAKE and i have to like. come out all muddy and deal with that #and there's always somewhere i gotta be soon. i can't just jump into the mud. not cause I'll get hurt i just Don't Have Time #anyway. feelings. how do they work. embarrassed about having them. embarrassed about suppressing them. generally just embarrassed.

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girl-bateman · 6 months ago

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Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍

#girl help i cant get out of bed i feel so so awful for no reason at all #literally my soul is gone or something #i have no desires and no joys and no sense of being blessed #which is crazy bc i love life and im so blessed ! usually.#ig i should do something abt it tomorrow if it doesn't get better #alternatively get back into therapy bc tbh... after that horrible sex thing ive felt kinda off #like even after i was able to eat and sleep and function normally without the tremors and head jerks and whatnot #like its not dramatic anymore but i kinda feel drained of life and joy #moments of genuine happiness and fulfillment are ... ? idk. i did feel happy once this week and that was nice but it didnt last obviously #but like ! im not depressed in a depressed way. i take good care of myself and i read my books and eat food and hang out with friends #i just kinda dont recognise myself ig. i mean i know ill get my spark back but maybe i need some professional help #idk !! it kinda feels very silly tho #like ive been in and out of therapy for more than half of my life. and being one year therapy free was a big step for me !#so going back for this little ridiculous freakout feels like a setback #kinda like im making up things to be wrong with me just so that ill have someone to talk to ? or to have attention idk #it doesn't make sense bc i really was proud for getting bettter and i rly dont want to be in therapy anymore #but who knows 🤷‍♀️#there is also this slight risk. just clinically speaking by purely looking at symptoms of certain things. with no stake in the matter! lol #that there might be something bad and [lets not think too hard about it] that lies as a root cause of my little mental breakdown #like according to my sex having friends losing your virginity is awful but not THAT awful and not in THAT way #and my friend kinda said i scared her with how i was acting when i talked to her abt it. like my demeanour and body language and whatever #and i do trust her to know whats normal versus concerning when i dont have my own stable grip of reality #plus. if i was an outside party and applied my psych education on myself. i would say its not looking super good #but i cant really do that bc im not some random patient. im me myself and I 😩✋️ thank you #but whatever. itll be fine. tomorrow will be a better day ! yay !

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