#i literally want 2 die
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:(
#i literally feel VIOLENTLY ill at the fact the hospital handled my mum’s passing so badly that her funeral is exactly ONE MONTH after it#i’ll forever be furious and angry and hurt and traumatised by the way they handled it#like A MONTH#it should not be happening this long after#and it’s her birthday on sunday so maybe i’m just feeling ten times worse because of that#but it’s not fair#it’s never gonna be fair#why the FUCK did she get taken from me like this#and then having to be the only one who knew about her funeral plans bc she only told me#and then everybody including my dad tells me how strong i am#IM NOT STRONG!!?!!?!??!?#i’m a girl who needs her mama. i’m just a girl who is so lost and confused and needs her mama#i literally want 2 die#tw death#i turned my tv off and immediately started crying bc i felt like the worst person in the world#did i not love her enough#should i have been better to get#*her#idk i just want her to know i adored her#and i need to hear her voice and get a hug#one of the last things she said to me was ‘i love you more’ well i love you most so how about that#tw grief#i am never getting over losing her#please . feel free to let me rant i just feel like i can’t talk to my dad or family bc like idk .#i always talked to my mum about my emotions and well! that can’t happen anymore lmfao 😭#i just need a place to vent the HELL out of my feelings bc i am not going back to therapy
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A Rose and a Nightingale
#og#this one is inspired by zepyuri nman song. there are many iterations of it but the one by ladaniva is my favourite...#go listen to it#the painting is quite simple but 1. i kinda wanted to keep it that way and 2. i'm a lazy artist...i can't spend more than 3 days on art#i may revisit it later. just really wanted to finish it before the year ends lol#oh some more infodumping! in the second verse there are lines:#i'll become Spring and come to your garden / like a nightingale i'll cling to your rose#i thought 'huh. what an interesting metaphor' and went researching#figures! the motive of a nightingale being in love with a rose is a widespread one in classical iranian literature#at that moment i'd decided to go with iranian-armenian adjacent style of clothing. it's all so pretty#i love the veiling. i love the colors. the patterns. the cut and fit of the costume too.#i was mostly referencing 1 black and white drawing so i couldn't see many details unfortunately#it was from 'armenian national costumes' book by Arakel Patrick#p. 85 table 6 pic. 2 and 3 - rug weavers from charmahal region of isfahan#for anyone's interested in looking it up lol#+ some other references#also if i don't use orange and blue color combo at least once a year i will literally die#ok. infodumping is over#q
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Shhhh the cat is sleeping
#why is he so small💔#just look at this damn fucking hand#scout can literally use this big ass yaoi hand as a blanket#it's insane#i want him to die#(lovingly)#team fortress 2 fanart#team fortress 2#tf2#tf2 fanart#tf2 scout#team fortress 2 scout#tf2 heavy#mentioned
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But as it is And it is We're just two slow dancers, last ones out We're two slow dancers, last ones out
#and the ground has been slowly pulling us back down....#lyrics in the caption are from Two Slow Dancers by Mitski#the playthrough I've been watching got to the end of the second main game (where Nao's the sacrifice) as I was drawing this#so that added an extra layer of emotional turmoil to this.. it started out just a drawing based on a reference cause I wanted to draw them#but i was thinking this either gives the vibe of 1. an alternate ending where Nao wins as the sacrifice and chooses Reko to leave with her#or 2. a metaphorical or literal afterlife scenario. two slow dancers last ones out...... lyrics were an afterthought but they feel fitting#yttd#my art#your turn to die#nao egokoro#reko yabusame#described#nao yttd#reko yttd#this was soooo so much fun to draw by the way. really happy with the way it looks too. using references is Very Helpful.#the expressions on their faces were fun to draw. the poses.. the way Nao's hair and apron fall to the side.. the shading......#waooww.. art!! I love art!!#nao#reko
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what kind of frivolity would you engage in, mecha?
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#mecha sonic#scrapnik mecha sonic#scrapnik island#sonic fanart#sonic fandom#arting#msab#good MORNING. i have given myself many emotions about mecha's big stupid cape. like a fool. such is the way i suppose#god ive been dying to get to this one. do you get it. do you understand#victories; if not on your own terms. achievements; if not the ones you thought you wanted. childhood dreams that never die.#which on that note yeah this is also my favorite one for showing eggman-era mecha as like#''yeah hes hes the most arrogant and murderous jackass on the planet but hes also like 17.''#& therefore kind of a lame little nerd by default. he thinks capes are sooooooo coool#we were all stupid kids once but sometimes u get older and u still wanna paint your house purple. and sometimes u still want a cool cape#it occurs to me that actual 17-year-olds may see this and to that i say: sorry. you guys are fine do ya thang.#its just that im 29 and have grey hair and shit so i have a certain Perspective on being 17 is all. & scrapnik mecha is like mid-30's to me#i knoooowwww he loves his big stupid cape so much. look at the refsheets with his dumbass spines poking holes through the the hood#tell me he has not made a COMMITMENT to wearing that hood despite being built in a way that makes that incredibly inconvenient#u look at nathalie fourdraine's christmas scrapniks post and tell me he isnt having so much fun#being all decorated and swishing around in that Even Bigger And Stupider Cape & shawl w/ his friends#hes so funny for that he's generally such a serious kinda character but on god he does also love some showmanship and flashiness.#i want to make it clear btw i also think capes are awesome i literally cosplay a guy with Two [2] capes.#& mecha is basically the coolest ever. but also hes still funny for that
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So we’re just going to gloss over the police brutality…
#like seriously arcane#…#making her die in an enforcers uniform#after enforcers killed most Zaunite parents#and after enforcers have locked up tons of people just for association with Jinx#they locked up isha and she was a goddamn child#also after all the violence against the Zaunites in search of Jinx#like Caitlyn literally was gasing up Zaun#and Ambessa’s right hand was choking a guy just cause he had blue hair in hopes he knew where Jinx was#like the fucking implications#they had to have known seriously#like I loved arcane but fucking some of the ending stuff made me want to scream#arcane#arcane league of legends#league of legends arcane#season 2 arcane#law enforcement#arcane 2
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I'm not listening to a white person on what's racist or insensitive to brown people. read orientalism by edward said before talking to me or my son ever again
#“the take away was literally not a writing exercise” 1. it was 2#2. cant you white bitches do that on a different post#3. telling indians what is and isnt dismissive of what they go through is hmm. what is it called#4. fuck your saviour complex#5. you guys ARE incredibly dismissive of the global south. our lives are just fiction no what you bitches “warn” about is already happening#wanna talk about how american overconsumption is contributing to the climate crisis? or are you too pussy for that#sorry i dont want my post about how i dont want my people to die in heat strokes to be hijacked. be serious for once in your lives#“sci fi writers have been warning about this” cool! wonder where they got that from#plagiarising gayatri spivak cause i hate her. can the subaltern speak or is that too much for your cracker sensibilities
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♡ Self-indulgent Scout×Pauling because my god, these two freaks deserve each other. ♡
[Idc what ya'll say Girl Failure × Boy Failure is an unrivaled dynamic.]
#artists on tumblr#digital art#digital artist#digital drawing#digital illustration#digital sketch#team fortress 2#team fortress two#tf2#team fortress fanart#tf2 fanart#scout team fortress 2#scout tf2#tf2 scout#tf2 miss pauling#miss pauling#scoutpauling#self indulgent#fuck i love them sm#he is so in love with her your honor#literally wanted to take her on a date as his final wish#bro can not die without taking her out on a date#yeah i rewatched Expiration Date again#girl failure#boy failure#they're so cute
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big L to all the ineffable husbands fans (me) big win to the gabriel x beelzebub fans (also me)
#i’ve literally been a gabriel x beelzebub truther since season one don’t even#i’m so happy for them#on the other hand i want to die#ineffable husbands#ineffable bureaucracy#crowley x aziraphale#gabriel x beelzebub#good omens#good omens 2#good omens 2 spoilers
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Been thinking about Hosea a lot as I write this analysis on Dutch and Micah.
Maybe I’ll eventually whip something up about him, but for now I’m left with thoughts about knowing that not only is Hosea just as guilty as Dutch when it comes to how their boys were brought up (and continued to be treated through adulthood and ultimately up to their deaths), but also the way the two irreparably damaged John and Arthur’s entire lives beyond even their own comprehension. FURTHERMORE, they set forth a viscous cycle of familial violence and neglect that maintained momentum into the next generation. (See: John and Jack.)
The way Hosea’s action, but more importantly his inaction had in part led to… well, [gestures vaguely to RDR1 + RDR2].
Hosea might have been gentler than Dutch on the surface, but he saw it all, and at times both implicitly and explicitly encouraged it through the meticulous timing of his decisions to remain a “silent watcher.”
Yes, refusal to mitigate the violence makes him complicit, but the matter of the fact is… Hosea can’t even feign partial innocence as a third-party bystander because of how calculated he is in nature.
Additionally, there is no “third party.” Dutch and Hosea are a single unit. They occupy the same space even as two separate individuals in John and Arthur’s lives.
The deliberate nature of Hosea’s inaction puts him in the same position as the “perpetrator” because he isn’t just a watcher, he corroborates directly with Dutch and agrees with what he is doing on principle. He reenforces it in perhaps more subtle ways, but that doesn’t make him any less responsible for the outcome.
The only difference between the two is that while they’re dealing different cards, they are playing the exact same game.
#I’ve got some horrible little headcanons rattling around tbh#Dutch and Hosea have different methods and demeanours but truly are partners in crime not only in the literal sense but also are#one another's accomplice in how they raised/treat John and Arthur.#I think that Hosea gets let off the hook a little too easy and I really enjoy thinking about the implications of his behaviour on the boys#just as much as I enjoy analyzing that of Dutch.#Also??? The way that Arthur seemed to die not realizing this adds layers to it in my head. John had all that time to mull it over and think#after all that had happened with the gang throughout his life and I'm CERTAIN he did a LOT of thinking about when exactly Dutch's#true colours started to shine through over the years... so I'd say its safe to assume that he did a lot of thinking about the pair of them.#I want to know if he is capable of thinking fondly about Hosea in spite of this because he has been dead for a long time#Or does he hold a grudge against him even post-mortem? John at least got to have a conversation with Dutch and see exactly what he's become#I wonder to what extent that perfect image he had of Dutch being tainted caused him to see things clearer than#Arthur was ever given the chance?#Arthur died not knowing but I think John might have the tendency to ruminate on it in the years that followed.#I wonder what conclusions he came to about his life up until that moment while sitting alone in the aftermath.#Was he afraid? Did he even want to unpack all that? To potentially ruin every good thing he'd ever had just because Dutch went off the rail#in the end? If so... what would he have left if it turned out that nothing was ever the way it seemed?#red dead redemption 2#the curious couple and their unruly son#dutch van der linde#hosea matthews#arthur morgan#john marston#red dead meta#paisley.txt
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Louis' "You're boring!" Could mean so many things, but I think what's most apparent about that line is that Armand takes no initiative just for himself. He's not really anybody, because he never goes out and finds himself or gets attached to anyone but Louis. Without Louis as his guide he's literally just sitting on a couch picking lint! That's the thing.
He orbits constantly around what would make Louis happy, and never really fully going what would make me happy? Ultimately that drive to please Louis is what drives him to torturing Daniel, not so much that he'd care to just do it. Ultimately, not giving proper care to Louis is just a way to make sure Louis knows he has to orbit around him as well, with shoving Lestat onto him just that other nail on the coffin. So, even if he fails to figure out how to make Louis happy with him, he still knows what Armand is good for, and better than.
That dependency is what drives Armand's abuse. It really just comes down to that. Armand doesn't even realize how suffocated he is by his own dependency. This is just how life is to him. (It shouldn't be lost either that dependency is a theme considering this episode also deals with addiction).
Daniel's fascinating because he's just so driven to be somebody. He's largely independent, he seeks things because he wants them. It's his drug to poke and prod at all the things that he shouldn't. Daniel's exciting because he lets Louis in to something different, lets him in to all this potential in another person that he can also do the same with for himself. It's a real connection. A two way street. It's easy to tell how Armand can be smothering then because he's never introducing him to anything really new, and most the ways both of them connect are all painful and traumatic. It's never just fun because there's always that layer of that pain. Fun died with Claudia.
50 years on they've gotten to a lot better place, both of them, but it's still that same shit. No seriously, "How is this any different from last time, Louis?"
Well... Because Armand's going to be, at the very least, making one [1] decision only for himself - and that's to hold power over Daniel's life. Fucking sick foreshadowing.
They aren't driving each other to the brink anymore but "The vampire is bored" STILL. Maybe it's even worse, despite being in better places, because Louis' sort of just been defeated by it. (I mean, can he even really leave this either?). He's accepting the dependancy cause he kind of has to. He'd literally ended up letting all the enjoyment be up where he can't reach [The book shelves]. Armand so desperately wants Louis happiness but what really ends up happening is that Louis ends up having to give Armand all his own. He's got no one or anything else to get it from. But like an iPad and an over the top eating ritual. Two extremes of what's just more lint picking.
This whole relationship is one I find just tragic inside and out. You have to just pity it, really. There's ways in which you can find yourself feeling bad for both of them. But you can only really be mad at Armand for any of it. Armand, who isn't even 'free' in any sense, having so little concept of his own independence, but is at the same time so controlling over other's. It's a tragic cycle. It's an infuriating one.
Louis at least has the mind to know when enough is enough. If just needing that extra push to get there. Armand's too scared of it being over to even try.
#iwtv#iwtv character analysis#interview with the vampire#louis de pointe du lac#armand#loumand#amc iwtv#iwtv s2#iwtv season 2#don't be afraid just start the tape#Gotta feel bad for Louis for winding up falling in love again with someone ruled so much by their own undealt with shit#making him once again the victim of abuse for it#But at least I guess Lestat values his independence? And Louis to an extent.#Theres a lot less co-dependancy going on between them but it's still like ... there#I'm so serious tho when I say I really want IWTV to go in the direction of 'vampires all dealing with their shit and breaking generational#cycles of abuse' because THATS so IT too me. That's the juice tbh.#because a thing with immortality is that you can't partition away from dealing with shit through knowing you or someone is going to die#You have to confront it you're forced to or else its just FOREVER literally going to be there#Louis (or really Claudia) being the first to really confront that (chef kiss)#which is an interesting thing to depict because technically we all carry the burden of eternity w/in us. Our impact on the world lasts and#what violence we allow in the world without fighting or working against it will never change either.#We have to confront the truth and find reconciliation with all of it or it is just without end there is no bottom to it#theres a lot of discussion on it but I think Louis considers himself a survivor. He's lived to this point and will keep living.#He probably cares too much about the why he ends up a victim (the undealt with shit he can't blame them for) to admit otherwise that he is#Too an extent too he cares and loves the people he's been with to really view it that way. But also this survivor perspective is very#'immortality' accepting. Naming a victim sort of is like naming a kind of death that can't go on from there.#Might make these tags into their own post at some point
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avoidance is my fucking doom man, i know i should go to class but i fucking cant get myself to
#i have. so many absences it's ridiculous to go right now i know it will be worse if i dont go i have to go#ive been just tossing and turning for like 2 hours with some freakign heart palpitations cause im so fucking scared#i was supposed to go last week and i didnt do it then either and every time i feel worse but i cant make myself go#AAAAAAAAA Im gonna die here i know i just have to force myself but i dont want to i want to stay at home which will fix nothing and#make everything worse in the long run#im aware of thsi but i still cant get myself to go idk what to do in this situation i feel horrible augh#i have so many absences I literally went once at the start of the semester and it's been what. 2 and a half months almost 3#i didnt do much for the class and i didnt go to class idk what to do.. theres literally no other way than to force myself to go#i KNOW I'll instantly feel better if i just stay home. i knowww i knowwww but its not going to help anything#i feel like shit and so ashamed and i just really dont want to go through this#FUUCK#im just#completely in panic mode rn. idk if i wont just try to go tomorrow idk if this is a bad decision im still just putting it off#im just totally by myself and cant even talk to anyone to calm down uauauhcgchdhd#im feeling pretty pathetic rn i should be able to do thisss i should be able to do this by myself#this is like self inflicted psychological horror and it's like every other day for me for many years now ouughh
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happy birthday dust sans :3 ‼️🎊
"well, that's that. a grand execution, the perfect punishment for a sinner with lifetimes worth of crimes, and yet, nobody showed up, and dust didn't even try to fight back."
"heh. sounds pretty pathetic to me... but hey, maybe this was what he wanted."
"to die alone only accompanied by the ones he hated with nobody who he'd actually want to witness this?"
"maybe dying only with yourself would be less embarrassing than a public show. privacy is something you never realize you want until you lose it."
"... you were right, that does sound pathetic."
#happy birthday dust sans except he's not even in focus. in fact he is literally on his last day of birth#ANYWAYS LATE POST I KNOW BUT I MADE IT JUST IN TIME BEFORE THE 10TH ENDED IN MY TIMEZONE HEHEHE#triglycercule is officially back 😈😈😈 more murder time trio to come soon........TRUST🙏🙏🙏#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#utmv#sans au#tricule art#i tried to replicate kinda a style similar to calvateyla's it'll probably look more obvious as the year progresses :3#the theme for this year's trio birthdays? death XD! ok well like yeah but i have plans ok hehehe :3 be ready for a killer and horror death!#but that's over in may and august....... for now february for dust :3#see last minute i realized i forgot that monsters dust when they die so i added that in last minute 😁😁😁😁#hmmm hmmm can i explain my own piece or no 🤔🤔🤔 this is probably the most detailed thing ive drawn so far ever WOW#so there isnt really any context behind why dust is dead and the build up i just thought it would be cool#horror and killer hung him btw thats why there's 2 pulleys on the scarf and obviously why they're there... :3#dust is in the background blurred and not even in focus because like hrkl said: his death was pathetic and insignificant and lonely#dust's constant fight against the human and the internal conflict he has that causes him turmoil and outbursts seems loud and explosive#but really dust is just solemn and sad and quiet and suffering so i wanted to capture that... not a grand finale for him#as always my interpretation and take but i imagine dust initially struggled to not choke but then started seeing things the more air he los#and eventually he began listening to the insults and sobs of those he killed and gave up and allowed himself to die without even fighting#horror and killer can't see this of course because dust's hallucinations are in his own head (not like he can talk anyways LUL)#to dust his death was attended by too many of those he loved yet all telling him to give up#quite opposite to horror's idea that a solitary death is a comfortable one with no eyes to watch#killer is of course an extreme compared to dust and horror he doesn't care at all if people are there or not to witness the death#its irrelevant anyways :p he's just gonna die in the end so what matters dust's comfort if it all leads to the same outcome???#(keep in mind i've yet to do my killer analysis yet...... this is all advice and help my resident killer expert told me :3 soon though!!)#anyways!!! almost late but i made it just in time hehe!! god its been so long since i properly drew on digital its funnn!!!!#also the hanging via papyrus's scarf is a classic idea honestly B) its the best way for dust to go out imo........
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Ok you know what I've been putting this off since Christmas cause spending money on "silly" things for myself gives me extreme anxiety buuuuuutttt: Going to Crossroads 10!
#i'm still kinda panicking but i have waited 10 years to do this i think i'm allowed . . . maybe#could only afford either auto or photo not both#so went with auto cause 1) i know i'll look terrible in any pic and want to die#2) everyone says autos are generally less rushed than photos and i wanna actually say something to him (assuming I don't go mute)#3) I have something specific I've been wanting him to sign since like 2015!#this only happened because my anxiety about finding out i'd left it too late and autos had all sold out finally tipped ever so slightly#ahead of the spending money anxiety#personal#eeeeeeeeeeee#taking bets with myself now on if it'll go better than when I met Kim Joy from Great British Bakeoff#where I was so nervous I bolted out of the shop the second she signed my book and her partner literally had to run after me and remind me I#got to take a photo too#I feel like she got it haha but still embaressing af lmao
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#sometimes I love sitting in complete darkness also knowing death is literally around the corner#it's so thick in the air it's unreal#I haven't mentioned anything about it here but#my kitty has cancer and things haven't looked good at all during the last 2 days#I fear that it won't take too long anymore until she will die#I'm so used to doing everything by myself and I know I will manage somehow as always but#I can't deny I sometimes get so fucking tired of always putting on a brave face and pretending that everything's fine#and not talk to my few friends who unfortunately suffer so much themselves and sadly don't even live near me#and yet I don't even want to talk because I'm way too exhausted#mayhaps just the presence of someone who cares and understands could be enough I think#but there's nothing like that anymore so I keep pushing myself forward despite always falling back deeper into the dark hole#I have long accepted how things are but#knowing the one thing that gave me the most strength during dark times will be gone is unbelievably painful#I'm confident things will become brighter at some point. just wondering when. I think I finally deserve a break#just wanted to get it off my chest before retreating back into my “idgaf” behavior#tumblr and moots are my witness#likely tbd#tw cancer
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le uhhh reference and all..........
#my stuff#chainsaw man#denji#denji hayakawa#makima#this is the second time i reference lisa the first with chainsaw man oh god#in any case this scene was always more symbolic to me than literal if anybodys worried abt this pic's meaning#denji the first or something#if a game like that existed i guess every person that has hurt denji would show up like an npc#and thered be 2 ways to achieve the ending either finding the truth abt his dad or watching power and aki die??#and then pochita takes control and u see the giant GAME OVER i dont know#also im an idiot i made a whole background for this but i settled for the white bg because i wanted it to be recognizable#lisa the first
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