#i will try to go to sleep now
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writing this on a whim because my brain is torturing me about it for some reason and i figured what better place to go than tumblr [this is somewhat sarcasm]. i do not particularly know why i am writing/asking this but im chucking it out there to ease the thoughts so i can go to sleep
to any systems or whatever or really anyone reading who found this through the tags i put here, how did you know you were a system. or plural or how did you start questioning it how did you figure it out. bear with me its past 2 am my writing is atrocious . how did you know if you never knew before?
i dont think im plural, but something wormed its way into my brain today or yesterday and i dont know why or when and and its not the first time this has popped into my brain i think. the thought of what if what if what if but im me. its my me it there its me its my thoughts and there is no other people in my brain just me myself and i. its not quiet it never is but it is just me
i think a clearer question i want to ask is: how can you tell if something is just dpdr[because i fear i may have that, unfortunately it is very likely] or this? this as in osdd or did or whatever
it would appear simple but unfortunately for a lot of my life my sense of self has been so broken and so messy because. fuck all everything happening i guess but its just me, truly. i talk to myself, i draw different versions of myself together, i split myself into many parts to cope with things, to highlight the different parts of me, variants. the wolf, the puppy, the robot, the hermit, the hollow, the dragon, and whatever the Me is i dont know who or what i am when im so many things and nothing at the same time. i didnt completely think about this but also how heavily i relate to certain characters in media but this may just be a nonhuman thing. i see so much of myself in certain characters and so much of them in me sometimes to the point where i dont know where i start and they end. but again i think that is just a nonhuman thing or a coping thing. because its still just me here
where does the age regression and nonhumanity start and where does it end when i rely on my creations of myself to keep me afloat. i only talk to myself through thinking and drawing, i dont talk to anybody else in my head, its all me. and unfortunately theres a pattern where i learn of something and i think about it and i go, "oh, no, no no, that is absolutely not me, never would dream of it! even thinking that i could be that is a crime to all the ones that truly have that!" and then it ends up being too true. the depression, the adhd, the age regression, the therianthropy, the hard denial of abuse, the hard denial of possible autism. my friends speculate i have ptsd or cptsd. i dont want to go down that line of thinking with this, i *know* i dont have it, but the fear
its annoying because ive never really been here present in my body im never really here and the horrors dont end and theres always been something wrong with me but i know its other things. i wont share the details, but the situation ive been in the past 8? months has been horrible horrid no good on my brain i hate being awake. and it feels like someone else took the reins but im still feeling the hurt i still have the memories but they dont feel like mine. my memories have never felt like my own but theyre mine and i have to write everything down or i will forget. i go to work i listen to family shit on me i go to work i do something all day but its not me im still in my room playing a game in my pjs but that was almost a year ago but im still there but i went to work but it wasnt me
because my mind is empty, its just me. it really truly is just me. i think im just lonely. and hoping someone could take me away from everything im always going through or for someone to be there. in my head
there was never anything to make me think this before, a couple times i have but years ago, for no reason, im quite sure its just me. i had imaginary friends as a kid which is normal for kids. i still kind of do but its just me talking to me, im saying two things. i think i just have a lot of possible trauma[i dont believe im traumatized but my friends are quite firm that my entire life has been a shitshow since i was born] and a lot of coping mechanisms plus the fact that i have to pretend for my family and me being trans and me being nonhuman and me so its mostly just that
i dont really know what exactly im even asking. i think im just throwing out a bone and praying for someone to go "yeah dude thats normal youre fine, youre normal" and for my brain to stop ruminating and its annoying. or for someone to ease my curiosity and fear and dread. im throwing out a bone, im begging for someone to glance my way, im begging for someone to tell me its okay. not the begging to be okay but to say that my brain is okay and that my life is okay
#i dont know what to put here#ill put everything or anything#for anyone to see#its okay if no one responds to be quite honest#i just needed to put this *somewhere* for my own sake#ill probably forget about it#at least hopefully#ill just put every tag i can think of#sorry for cluttering the tags by the way.#i just want help#osdd#did osdd#did#osdd system#osddid#did system#dissociative system#dissociative identity disorder#dissociation#depersonalization#derealization#depersonalization derealization disorder#questioning osdd#questioning system#dpdr#loss of self#im sorry about the tags again#i will try to go to sleep now
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typical tavern scene
#dimension 20#fantasy high#fhjy#fabian seacaster#riz gukgak#adaine abernant#kristen applebees#figueroth faeth#gorgug thistlespring#got my version of this in lol. I feel like this is mandatory if u draw fh art#trying to remember whats on the menu at a typical swensen's. its been years since I last was at one#tho I am so absolutely unfamiliar with like elmville level of town scenery. just immediately drew from my own experience lmao#I used to think malls are the same everywhere.... but then I hear from my US friends and. wow they sure are not#mm. good day to reminisce a little bit. but I am now sleepy#not a lot to say abt this I think most of this is pretty straightforward. I did use this to test out some overlays in SAI2#that I never really touched. the talisman on fig's guitar case takes from the house protection talisman you'd put on the front door#and also I think kristen slipping while fully sat down is very funny and special. she means so much to me#okay. alright. I should really go to sleep. and tomorrow I should take my dang walk... see the sun#have a good night lads! enjoy ice cream
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AU where Leo is trapped in the Prison Dimension for months instead of minutes and the only way he gets by with his sanity intact is through recording himself talking to his wrist comm.
When they finally manage to get Leo back and make him rest up to heal, Donnie can’t help but listen to the recordings left behind.
He’s not sure what exactly he’s expecting, only that his subconscious is screaming at him that it has to be heartbreaking, that it has to be torturous.
Instead, what Donnie is subject to is a full thousand hours’ worth of Jupiter Jim and Lou Jitsu crossover fanfiction. More than one part in the series. Spanning well over a million words.
(The worst part is that it’s actually good.)
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt headcanons#donnie keeps the comms going on in the background as he works#when he gets to the end he’s like what the hell…where’s the rest#donnie: leo where’s part nine#leo barely cognizant after not needing sleep for months: whuh-#donnie: you can’t leave it at a cliffhanger. leo. leo where’s the next part.#listen leo has a great memory for his special interests this is CANON plus he’s a great talker so he would totally be able to do this frfr#whenever he needs to be quiet he’s SILENT but otherwise he’s regaling the exploits of his idols to the captive audience that is The Photo#sometimes Krang sneaks up on him and just listens to him talk like ????#it starts both as leo trying to comfort himself with his favorite things PLUS comfort himself with thoughts of his father#as splinter makes his own crossover fanfiction when sick lol plus he’s Literally Lou Jitsu#and yes krang ALSO gets a bit invested#leo notices the reduction of Ouch but hey more time for rambling fanfic for him 👍#idk leo’s a damn good actor/liar/planner/schemer and I genuinely think that can pivot into storytelling so well#the literal second mikey’s hands heal donnie zooms to his side with hand stabilizers and a request to draw ‘scene 82 from recording 3’#mikey’s like what#so obvs now HE needs to listen as he works#he too gets invested#he comes across raph who mentions having trouble sleeping#mikey: have I got the podcast fanfic for you!#it only somewhat helps raph sleep#somewhat bc sometimes he forces himself to stay awake to hear the rest#yes these recordings go to the whole fam and leo is none the wiser#they don’t even mean to hide it it just never comes up lol#it’s only when donnie FINALLY makes it to the end of the recordings that he confronts leo to continue the story#leo: oH YOU HEARD ALL THAT HUH-
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look at the state of sport journalism dawg, he sucked on a lollypop with steeliness and determination??? oozing mental fortitude??? Autosport it's time to open up the schools
#i was literally trying to go to sleep and now i fucking cant bc im dry heaving#BEN HUNT ARE YOU CONCUSSED#WHAT DID YOU JUST FUCKING WRITE OH MY GODDDDDDDDD#I LITERALLY PHYSICALLY CANT STOP LAUGHING#HE SAID HE SUCKED ON THE LOLLYPOP WITH STEELINESS AND DETERMINATION AND OZZING MENTAL FORTITUDE#OPEN UP THE FUCKING SCHOOLS BRO#f1#british gp 2024#lando norris
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my cold's fucking me up, so just some quick lads for tonight
#ive been working all afternoon and since it's a cold night.. my nose is super fucking clogged rn#the weather's fucking me up in general. like plsssss i hate it!!!!!!!#imma try going to sleep early now. hdahdahdh!!#my art#2024#call of duty#call of duty: modern warfare#call of duty: modern warfare ii#call of duty: modern warfare iii#cod#cod mw#cod mwii#cod mwiii#modern warfare#mw#mw2#mw3#ghost#soap#ghost cod#soap cod#johnny soap mactavish#soap mactavish#simon riley#simon ghost riley#art#fanart#digital art#digital drawing#sketch
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they're spying in town 👀👀👀
#my art#the arcana game#my artstyle#the arcana#the arcana courtiers#quaestor valdemar#the arcana valdemar#art#digital art#fanart#artists on tumblr#valdemar the arcana#valdemart#I had wanted to make this one for a while#more fashion val agenda#illustration#?#incognito mode#holy moley furniture#trying to distract myself still hhh#but I have to go to sleep now#not the devil but would wear Prada
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aninpin + hands
#the loyal pin#theloyalpinedit#aninpin#anilpin#freenbecky#cw flashing lights#khaotunq#userrlana#purpleguitar#tuseralexa#userdarcey#mjtag#rowan gifs#i was working on these when the power went out last night :') happy 2 finish them#that's the last one for loyal pin e4 for now#i'm gonna go work on some things for the sideblog then try sleeping#after all of everything today#love u all x#(ed: now with +1 hands. sorry early comers my brain is fried and my health is questionable)
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I saw the tsum tsum stack or whatever it is that they did, and my heart just went AAAAAAHHHH-
It's so cute and then I thought of drawing this ToT
Did it as fast as I can since I still gotta study for something-
#twisted wonderland#twst#deuce spade#jade leech#lilia vanrouge#ortho shroud#rook hunt#azul ashengrotto#kalim al asim#tsumsted wonderland#doodle#What is height-#what is sleep-#When they did the stack I promise that I did my best to immediately screenshot it#But my phone was too slow so I'll try again next time#Also finished the available maps of the event as soon as I opened the game LMAO#And I can now peacefully go to sleep
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This is a little head cannon/What if Macaque had more original powers, a little more Starry Night dreamlike powers leaning into the more nurturing kind, you know, the moon and sun kind of powers? 🌙☀️
Maybe in the past, he was like a therapy friend to Wukong, someone he could really be himself with, vent, and tell his secrets without being judged in the safety of his own dreams. Someone he can truly trust, and that was Macaque.
Skip to Redemption Ark for Mac
Now he's a therapy friend to the whole MK team! (Against his will) They cuddle, pet, and vent to him with their problems. He's like one of Sandy's therapy cats, just bigger and grumpier.😾💕✨ he just has this way with people I guess
Okay, this is how it starts: Macaque and Wukong's first encounter was in a dream.
Wukong would not shut up about the pretty demon in his crazy dreams, often to his sworn brothers; he talked about all the fun and crazy adventures he'd have, the long meaningful conversations and jokes, and the occasionally moving pictures of otherworldly strong magical humans with sparkly eyes and spiky hair who wield giant weapons that shoots Fire called anime, and that this had been going on for a few months now.
This annoyed and concerned them; they think it's a demon trying to take over the Monkey King's mind or trying to brainwash him somehow, so Azure Lion and the Sworn Brothers all brainstormed together to devise a plan to somehow confront this tricky dream demon. Wukong doesn't want the fun dreams to end or scare off this other celestial monkey, so he decides to talk to his friend in his dreams. Wukong casually brings up the idea that the macaque should visit Flower Fruit and meet his sworn brothers! Macaque of course hesitates, not sure of the idea of traveling to an unknown island and meeting The Monkey King's questionable choice of sworn brothers, but of course, Wukong, sad and a bit offended, but he doesn't give up.
He decides to bring upon the Ultimate Weapon, begging and whining until Macaque crumbles and gives in, which eventually does. Mac reluctantly agrees to travel over to FFM in disguise, just to be safe he tells Wukong he'll be there. Within a month, Wukong couldn't be more excited; he was like a little kid waiting for Christmas day!
So this is what kinds of powers I think he should have.
😴 the first pic is crossing over to other people's dreams and making their experience life-like he has illusion magic so this makes sense to me. Wukong and macaque would prank the Brotherhood or play tags and hide and seek in their brother's dreams. 🌸The second pic is the soothing ability to calm one's nerves if they pet or cuddle him like a therapy cat,🐈 Wukong would groom him for hours to calm his nerves. now come copes with food🍑🍔🍭
🌸🎶I saved the best one for last the cute/sad little head Cannon I have
At the end of every dream Mac visits they would end it by dancing to music Mac would bring from the future laughing and stumbling while wukong slowly wakes up, wukong has always gone to bed early But now he goes even earlier to bed. Wukong always thought he was the luckiest monkey in the world he gets to have two Adventure and one of them is with his prettiest best friend Macaque 😚✨the monkey of his dreams.
🌸 Wukong couldn't truly dream of a world without his bestest friend🥰✨
#monkie kid#lego monkie kid#lmk#sun wukong#six eared macaque#doodle#monkey king#macaque#shadowpeach#third idea of power: creating little stars out of his hands that float around like for his shadow play or a night light for the baby monkey#cute right!?#originally I was going to write a short fanfic about Wukong having nightmares and not being able to sleep because of that Mac notices#and decides to visit Wukong in his dreams#Hong Kong wakes up in his dream within a dream to a beautiful breathtaking flower field and seeing the beautiful sky it looks super Galaxy#and Mac just pops up out of nowhere and tries to start up a conversation#at first he's like cocky and stuff and then he gets little awkward#fumbling with his words and he gets a little bit more flustered wukong is like super confused and surprise to see him here#Mac gives up on trying to talk and just attacks wukong after a while we'll come figures out he's just play fighting they pretty much#just play tag and wukong slowly he gets into it but Mac starts cheating a little bit and this Riles up The Monkey King and they're just#having a blast now and at the end of it they start talking eating a few peaches just joking around it's awkward but it's nice wukongs#grooming him and he's just feeling a whole lot better Mac wants to know what's bothering him but he feels like can wait until Monkey King#Monkey King is ready for that macaque gets up extensive hand to Wukong they try to dance#and they're both terribly out of practice they keep going until they're tumbling and laughing and will come slowly gets up#with a smile on the face and super well-rested all thanks to macaque the monkey of his dreams#seriously if anybody wants to make a fanfic about this you have my full permission I don't know I think you guys can do way better than me😫
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You can have more textposts , as a treat
First one is a reference to @interstyx 's fic, Here, Be nice
(Sorry i just ADORE their fic . Dies)
#murder drones#textposts#v murder drones#uzi doorman#j murder drones#n murder drones#nuziv#vuzi#lizzy x v#jessa if you squint really hard#sorry had to include the one textpost about my fave fic in probably forever it changed me#I'll try and go to sleep again now. made these qhen sleepy#also if i have time tmrrow ill work on the asks in my askbox#vizzy
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coming back home after going through unimaginable hell the squeakuel
#shion got stuck w/ babysitting duty for the night so pearl and marina could have their oh so promised “us time” with one another lmao#anita is understandingly *very* concerned abt the whole thing and her gf but is just glad she's back home in one piece#splatoon#splatoon 3#side order#side order spoilers#slight ones but still there#agent 8#agent 4#smollusk#oc: anita#oc: shion#my art shit#couldn't sleep so i drew this silly thing#it's almost 5am so im gonna go back to bed and try to catch some zzz's now
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I won a battle against art and anatomy, so I decided to doodle something real quickly as a treat!
Show gives me props to use to make cute little moments? Yes please and thank you.
#my art#sketchy sketch#good omens#aziraphale#anthony j crowley#azicrow#inaffable husbands#again trying a new brush and it inspired me to art more now#made lot of oc stuff too#season 2 was full of fanfic tropes so I just had to add the puts hat/jacket on partner thing idk here u go#zero reference used oops lol maybe next time then#now I sleep#next hurdle: coloring
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awkward hugging
#homestuck#dave strider#karkat vantas#davekat#davekatweek#davekatweek2024#day 7#is this fluff#it kinda is#they are so bad at this.#awhwhwghahahahfnwnxbwnfnskowmds#also i spotted a really stupid mistake right before posting this on twitter#i spent like 10 mins trying to fix it on my phone#i hate drawing on my phone grrr#my art#i dont know how to feel about this one#im going to sleep now
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Dc x dp idea: time travel yaaaay
Danny, Sam and Tucker get back from fixing some errors in the time line in France just before the French Revolution.
And sure Danny got mistaken for a French aristocrat that had died the day before they got there but it wasn’t to bad, it only made their jobs easier. It won’t be a problem for them.
Meanwhile Constantine, Batman and whoever the fuck else (imma say Hal, I love that green bitch) are exploring an abandoned manor in France after there being reports of strange, violent activity, and with their latest teammate Phantom not picking up their calls Constantine had to pull these two with him instead.
“Hey guys, Phantom’s a ghost, right?”
Hal sounds hesitant as Constantine replies
“Yes, why?”
“I think I found a picture of him living.”
and there on the wall is a picture of a long dead french aristocrat, with black hair and blue eyes but every other detail the same as Phantom’s
There on the wall sits a photo of Daniel Nightingale, a teenager who was possessed by a demon and killed two servants, then himself.
#Danny: you think me faking our deaths will cause any problems?#Sam and tucker: …Nah.#now naturally batman is going full detective trying to figure out whether Phantom is the teenager or the demon#Constantine is just a little horrified#and Hal is this close to becoming religious because he is praying phantom is the teenager#as if he isn’t praying to Danny#danny phantom#danny phantom crossover#dc#dp x dc crossover#writing prompts#batman#dc comics#john constantine#hal jordan#green lantern#it’s currently 1am and I haven’t slept AT ALL#enjoy my sleep deprived rambles about silly ghost boy#also just for context the picture on the wall looks like the painting ‘the reluctant bride’#I can see Danny having a resting bitch face#ghost king danny
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Linktober day twelve- favourite game
Skyward sword! My favourite game forever :)) The duets with Fi are by far my favourite gameplay aspect and recurring scenes in the game.
The music is The Ballad of the Goddess with Link's harp accompaniment. I played through on three different instruments like fifteen times, and checked every note on ocarina before I carved it. So. It's very accurate. Close ups of the music +my reference because yes
Also I replaced the treble clef with the triforce
:)
#HIGHLY recommend you tap for quality on this one#linktober#Loz#Zelda#sksw#skyward sword#Fi#Smoll art#dirogjdifjdkfjkfjf#thank you to my friends in DMs who were patient with my fifteen panic attacks (/not literal) trying to carve this#this was very hard and I wanted to make it look good. so I struggled with being heavy handed in areas#this is the level of detail where if my hands started shaking I would have to stop and sleep and come back to it the next day#but I took breaks and stuff so I'm good. kind of. this took six hours for carving- plus like three hours the day before framing the glass#I've never framed glass with this technique so it was slow going#I love music so much#like halfway through doing the music lines (lines not the notes) I realised I had unconsciously started doing deep breathing exercises lol#I just stopped breathing for the notes fidjfjdjfndjf I care a lot hehe#I'm rambling now but that's ok. art <3#invisibly tagging:#sera Peggy Emmie and uni
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THIRTY-ONE DAYS OF GHOST ⛧ DAY ONE
first song you heard — Mary On A Cross
September 1969; Papa Nihil and the beginning of the Ghost Project take to the stage at the Whiskey a Go Go club in Los Angeles, under the watchful eye of Sister Imperator. Fifty-three years later, in Tampa, Florida, Papa Emeritus the Fourth performs Mary On A Cross, unaware that he is singing the story of his parents—and that of himself.
#note: i'm aware this song is about so much more than the fictional ghost story. just really enjoying that aspect of it rn#very nearly didn't do this series because some people are a bit silly about fans who heard moac as the first song. i'm owning it sdkjcksh#it wasn't the song that made me a fan as i will show in the next post but moac slaps so hard and#if you only like moac and nothing else you're still a ghestie to me <3#not my fault i was on instagram in autumn of 2022#i was going through some stuff then and listening to clips of this pretty song on random videos was something i enjoyed#didn't know the name of it or who sung it but kept hearing it at 4am when i couldn't sleep and everything was falling apart around me#when all i could do was try to escape it until the morning#i feel a bit stupid saying this but when i listen to it now and remember hearing it back then#it's like ghost was there for me even when i didn't know it#waiting for me to find them and everything their music would teach me#until the time was right#ghost31#papa emeritus iv#the band ghost#papa nihil#sister imperator#mary on a cross#user copia edits#user copia all tag#wait for the next tags i'm also tagging:#rite here rite now spoilers#i'm emotional about their messed up little family finding each other right at the very end. they never let each other go#flashing gif#<- ig
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