#i never see that mentioned with his trauma

[pandapetals]

Unexpected Visit

It's your first Christmas with Logan as a couple but someone unexpected shows up.

professor logan howlett x professor fem!reader - established relationship (y'all married), some fluff, teasing, no y/n used, no reader description, your an english professor, logan is a history professor - imagine days of future past logan with the white streaks in his hair, mentions of death, angst, trauma, christmas mentioned, parent issues

read on ao3 or find more parts for the series: here

a/n: I wrote this to go with the holiday special i’m going to post because i know alot of people struggle around the holiday season (myself included, not me trauma dumping in this).

As a kid, you’d always heard that the holidays were supposed to be magical—a time filled with warmth, laughter, and gifts under the tree. But growing up in a family that could barely keep food on the table, magic was a luxury you quickly learned to live without. Reality had come crashing down on you at a young age, stripping away any illusions of the "holiday spirit."

Coming to Xavier’s offered you a fresh start and a chance to build a new and hopeful life. You’d thrown yourself into your role as the bubbly, witty English professor, always armed with a quick quip or a smile that could disarm even the grumpiest students. And for the most part, it worked. Everyone believed the cheerful façade—everyone except Logan.

Even before you started dating, Logan seemed to see through the mask you wore. He’d often watch you with that quiet, penetrating gaze like he was peeling back each layer you’d put up to hide the parts of yourself you didn’t want anyone to see. He never pushed or pried, but something in his eyes made you feel like he knew.

When you finally became a couple, that unspoken understanding between you deepened. But you still hadn’t told him the whole story of your past or the truth of what the holidays dredged up inside you. And so, as Christmas approached, you kept your walls up, pretending everything was fine, even though this would be your first Christmas without your dad.

A few days before Christmas, the mansion was buzzing with excitement as everyone packed and prepared to head home. Logan assumed you’d be leaving, too, and he figured you’d join your mother to mourn together. He’d never pushed you to talk about your family, but he knew enough to sense the fractured relationship with your mom.

Yet, as the days ticked by, you hadn’t mentioned any plans. He noticed your room was untouched, no suitcases packed or tickets booked. So, that evening, he found himself leaning against your bedroom door, watching you lace up your shoes with a distant look on your face.

“I thought you’d be packing by now,” he said, his voice low and casual, though his eyes held a flicker of concern.

You looked up, momentarily surprised by his presence, but quickly covered it with a smirk. “Packing for what? You finally planned a romantic getaway for us, tough guy?” you teased, trying to deflect with humor, as usual.

But Logan didn’t smile. His face softened, his arms crossing over his chest as he stepped into the room. “Sweetheart�� I thought we talked about not pretending with each other.”

Your smirk faded, replaced by a look of resignation. For a moment, you looked down, fiddling with the laces on your shoes. “I’m not pretending,” you said softly, your voice lacking its usual bravado. “I just… I don’t want to go home for Christmas. There’s nothing to go home to.”

Logan’s brows knitted together, his voice gentle as he stepped closer. “You still have your mom—”

“Logan, stop.” The words came out sharper than you intended, and you stood up, wrapping your arms around yourself defensively. “I don’t… I don’t want to deal with her, okay? You met her at the hospital—she wasn’t exactly the nicest woman in the world.” Your voice wavered, the wall you’d tried so hard to keep up beginning to crumble. “You know my relationship with them—my parents was complicated.”

Tears started slipping down your cheeks before you could stop them, the weight of the year—of loss and complicated grief—finally surfacing. You tried to turn away, but Logan was already there, closing the distance between you in a few strides. Without a word, he pulled you into his arms, holding you tightly against his chest. His hands were steady, his touch warm and grounding as one hand cradled the back of your head, the other wrapping protectively around your waist.

He didn’t try to shush you or tell you it would be okay. Instead, he just held you, letting you fall apart in his arms. His thumb stroked the back of your neck gently, grounding you as he whispered, “It’s alright, darlin’. You don’t have to put on a brave face with me.”

You buried your face in his chest, letting yourself finally break down in a way you hadn’t let yourself do since your father passed. “I wanted so badly to be okay,” you choked out. “To just… move forward. But I don’t know how to do this, Logan. Holidays are supposed to be about family, but what do you do when… when you don’t have one anymore?”

He pulled back just enough to look at you, his hazel eyes filled with a mix of empathy and fierce protectiveness. “You’ve got family right here,” he murmured, his voice rough with emotion. “You don’t need to go anywhere if you don’t want to. Stay here—with me.”

His words settled over you, a quiet promise that you weren’t alone, that you had someone who would stand by you, even when you didn’t know how to hold yourself together. The walls you’d put up felt paper-thin, and for once, you didn’t try to rebuild them. Instead, you leaned into him, letting the warmth of his presence melt away the loneliness that had been eating at you.

“Are you sure?” you whispered, looking up at him, your voice barely holding back the vulnerability in your heart. “You’d really want to spend Christmas with me? Even if it means cheesy movies and too much hot cocoa?”

Logan’s gaze softened, a gentle, lopsided smile tugging at his lips. He lifted his hand, brushing a stray tear from your cheek with his thumb. “Sweetheart,” he whispered, his voice rough but steady, “there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. Besides…” He paused, a hint of a smirk appearing as he looked at you with that familiar, affectionate glint in his eyes. “I think we both deserve a damn celebration this year. Don’t you?”

A soft, shaky laugh slipped from your lips, the sound mingling with the quiet stillness around you. You clutched him a little tighter, pressing yourself against the solid warmth of his chest, letting the safety he offered melt away the lingering ache. For a moment, you let yourself imagine what it would be like—Christmas with Logan, a cozy fire, the two of you wrapped in blankets, sharing simple moments that felt like home.

You looked up at him, noticing the faint lines around his eyes and the way his gaze held something deeper and tender he didn’t share with just anyone. Logan, who had spent so many years keeping people at arm’s length, was here, with you, willing to make this season something special. You knew the holidays hadn’t ever meant much to him; the closest he’d come to family was the X-Men, but there was always that quiet yearning, that sense of longing in his eyes you could recognize as your own.

A mischievous smile crept onto your face as you tilted your head, running a finger along his jaw. “You know… for a grumpy, tough guy, you’re pretty soft.”

He chuckled, the sound low and genuine, vibrating through you as he wrapped his arms more securely around your waist. He leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead and lingering there, his breath warm against your skin. “Only for you,” he murmured, his voice so soft it almost blended into the quiet around you as if the words were a secret meant just for you.

𓂃

The mansion felt eerily quiet, the sort of silence that settles in when everyone else has left and you're finally alone. The last of the students and teachers had headed off for their Christmas plans, leaving only you and Logan behind. For a brief moment, you allowed yourself to feel the odd comfort in that—knowing that neither of you had a family to go home to, that somehow, you’d ended up here together. It almost felt like fate, like you’d been meant to find each other.

As Logan wandered back from the foyer, having just waved goodbye to Xavier, he looked at you sprawled across the couch, a playful smirk on his face. “Looks like it’s just you and me, sweetheart. What’s first on your holiday agenda?”

You grinned, half-sitting up. “Well, I doubt you’re up for decorating cookies or watching Christmas movies…” But before you could finish, Logan crossed the room in a few strides and scooped you up effortlessly.

“It’s not exactly the first thing on my mind,” he murmured, pressing a soft kiss to your cheek.

You laughed, giving him a light swat on the back as he threw you over his shoulder, carrying you with ease. “Logan, you’re acting like a teenager who finally got the house to himself.”

He grinned, undeterred, “Well, isn’t that what’s happening?”

He was halfway to the stairs, clearly intending to carry you all the way up, when the sudden chime of the doorbell echoed through the empty mansion, stopping him in his tracks.

You twisted around, trying to look over his shoulder. “Expecting someone?”

Logan set you back on your feet, frowning as he glanced toward the door. “Not that I know of,” he muttered, his expression already shifting to that familiar look of cautious alertness. He moved toward the foyer, and you followed close behind, almost colliding into his back when he stopped abruptly just a foot away from the door.

You noticed him take a deep breath, his nose twitching slightly as he caught a scent through the door. His expression shifted, the guarded edge softening just a bit. He turned back to you, his gaze gentle but wary.

“It’s… your mother,” he said quietly.

Your stomach dropped. “My—” The word caught in your throat as a wave of complicated emotions washed over you. You hadn’t seen her since your father’s funeral, and even then, the conversation had been brief, tense, and peppered with her usual backhanded comments.

Logan placed a steadying hand on your shoulder, searching your face. “You okay?”

You took a deep breath, trying to steady yourself. “Yeah… yeah, I’m fine. I just wasn’t expecting her to show up here.”

With a nod, Logan opened the door, and there she stood, wrapped in a heavy coat, her expression a mixture of displeasure and discomfort as she took in the mansion’s grand foyer.

“Well,” she said, her gaze sweeping over you with a critical eye before landing on Logan, her brow raising slightly. “I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that you decided to stay here rather than come home.”

You forced a smile, though it felt brittle. “Nice to see you too, Mom.”

She glanced around the mansion, her lips pursed in that familiar way that meant she was about to say something judgmental. “This place is… large. Lavish. I imagine it must feel like a vacation for you.” Her tone dripped with the kind of passive-aggressive disapproval you’d grown up with, a reminder of every time she’d scolded you for wanting more than what you had.

Logan shifted beside you, his gaze hardening just a fraction as he observed the exchange. “Can we help you with somethin’?” he asked, his voice calm but laced with a protective undertone.

Your mother’s eyes flicked to him, a hint of surprise crossing her face. “You must be Logan. You know, I always thought my daughter would end up with someone… different.”

Logan’s jaw tightened, but he held his ground, giving her a steady, unflinching look. “Guess life doesn’t always turn out the way we expect,” he replied coolly, his arm subtly sliding around your waist, a quiet but unmistakable show of support.

You took a breath, steeling yourself. “Why are you here, Mom? I thought you knew I wasn’t coming home this year.”

She let out a heavy sigh, crossing her arms. “I came because I thought maybe you’d change your mind. It’s Christmas, after all. Family should be together.” Her gaze softened, but there was a flicker of resentment there, hidden just beneath the surface. “Though I see you’ve found… other company.”

“Mom, please,” you murmured, feeling Logan’s fingers gently squeeze your hip, grounding you. “I didn’t come home because it didn’t feel right. You know that things between us have been… complicated.” The words were careful, and a bit restrained, but you could feel the weight of the unsaid things pressing against your chest.

She scoffed lightly, waving her hand as if brushing off your feelings. “Complicated? You act like you were the only one who had it rough, but I was there too, you know. I did what I could.”

You swallowed, fighting the bitterness rising in your throat. “Did you? Because most of what I remember is you pretending everything was fine while I had to deal with… with everything else.” Your voice trembled slightly, but you steadied yourself, Logan’s presence beside you giving you strength.

There was a beat of silence, heavy and uncomfortable. Your mother looked away, a flash of guilt crossing her face, though she quickly masked it with a defensive huff. “I didn’t come here to argue,” she said tightly, her gaze darting between you and Logan. “I thought maybe you’d appreciate being with your real family for the holidays.”

Logan’s arm tightened around you protectively, his voice low but firm. “She is with her family,” he said, each word deliberate and unyielding.

Your mother’s eyes narrowed slightly, her lips pressed into a thin line as if weighing her next words carefully. Before she could respond, you gently placed a hand on Logan’s chest, signaling for him to let you handle it. He gave you a quiet nod, stepping back but lingering just out of sight. 

You took a breath, focusing on her. “Mom, I know you tried… in your own way. I don’t blame you for everything, and I know it wasn’t easy back then.” Your voice softened, a hint of vulnerability slipping through. “But this… this is where I want to be. With the people who make me feel safe, who understand me. Logan is a part of my life, and he’s not going anywhere.”

For a moment, something flickered in her gaze—regret, maybe, or the faintest trace of understanding. She looked away, her fingers fidgeting with the strap of her purse as she took a shallow breath, pulling her mask back up. “Well,” she said finally, her voice cool but wavering. “Then I suppose this place has changed you.”

You felt a pang in your chest, a mixture of sadness and relief. “I’m still the same—”

“No,” she interrupted, shaking her head. But her expression softened, and for the first time in years, you caught a glimpse of something real beneath her hardened exterior. “No, you aren’t. And that’s… that’s a good thing,” she admitted, her tone almost reluctant, but honest. “You seem… stronger. Happier. I can see that this place, being a teacher… it suits you.”

A soft, bittersweet smile tugged at your lips, the weight of years of complex emotions between you and your mother settling in your chest. “I am happy, Mom. I know this isn’t the life you imagined for me, but it’s what I want.”

She gave a small, almost imperceptible nod, but the tension in her posture told you that accepting this wasn’t easy for her. The silence between you was heavy, lingering like words unsaid, regrets unspoken. You could feel the moment slipping away, but before it did, you took a chance, your voice soft and tentative.

“Would you… would you like to stay for dinner?” you asked, the invitation hanging in the air like a fragile hope. “Logan and I, we were just about to cook something together.”

Your mother’s expression tightened, her gaze flicking to the mansion’s grand interior, then back to you. She shook her head, her lips pressing into a faint, strained smile. “No, I don’t think so. I have a long drive back,” she replied, her tone polite but distant. “Besides, I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

You swallowed the disappointment, forcing a small nod. “Alright,” you murmured, your voice barely above a whisper.

Just then, Logan stepped back into the doorway, a touch of nervousness in his expression, though he masked it well. He extended his hand toward her, attempting to make a good impression, the slight unease in his eyes showing how much he cared about this moment—for your sake, if nothing else.

“It was see you again, ma’am,” he said, his voice gruff but genuine. “Your daughter… well, she’s one hell of a woman. Just thought you should know.”

Your mother glanced at his outstretched hand, hesitating for a split second before giving it a quick, almost dismissive shake. She offered him a tight-lipped smile, but there was no warmth behind it. “Yes, well,” she replied, her tone clipped. “You two… take care of each other.”

Logan’s jaw tightened slightly, but he kept his expression polite, not pushing for more. You could tell he was trying, in his own way, to bridge a gap that had been there long before he’d come into your life. But your mother’s gaze had already drifted past him, her focus elsewhere.

You watched as she adjusted her purse on her shoulder, giving you a final nod. “Goodbye,” she murmured, her voice softer, almost reluctant, but the wall between you both was firmly back in place.

“Goodbye, Mom,” you replied, feeling a pang of longing that you knew would remain unanswered.

When the door clicked shut behind her, the silence settled thick around you, the weight of unspoken words and lingering disappointment pressing down on your chest. You barely noticed Logan stepping closer until you felt his hand on your back, a gentle, grounding touch that anchored you in the moment.

“You okay?” he murmured, his voice soft, searching your face for any sign of the hurt you might be hiding.

You nodded, though your eyes stung with unshed tears. “Yeah… yeah, I’ll be fine,” you whispered, managing a shaky smile. “It’s just… complicated. It always has been.”

Logan wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close, his chin resting on your head. “You don’t have to explain, darlin’,” he murmured, a comforting rumble against your hair. “I get it. And for what it’s worth, I’m here. I’m always here.”

You let out a soft, shaky breath, pressing your face into his chest, absorbing the warmth and strength he offered. “Thank you,” you whispered, feeling the weight begin to lift if only a little.

As he held you, Logan pressed a gentle kiss to the top of your head, his fingers brushing through your hair. “She’s a fool if she can’t see how incredible you are,” he murmured, his tone laced with a quiet intensity. “But lucky for me, she’s leavin’ you in good hands.”

You laughed softly, a mix of relief and affection as you looked up at him, brushing a tear from your cheek. “I’m pretty lucky too, you know.”

Logan’s lips curved into a gentle smile, his thumb tracing your cheek in a tender gesture. “Guess that means we get our quiet Christmas after all,” he said, a playful glint in his eyes.

“Yeah,” you replied, feeling the weight of the past begin to ease, replaced by a warmth that only Logan seemed to bring. “Just you and me, tough guy.”

[doctorbitchcrxft]

Time Is On My Side | Supernatural Series Rewrite | Dean Winchester x Fem!Reader

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Fem!Reader

Warnings: y/n is getting unhinged as fuck man, torture, mentions of childhood trauma,

Word Count: 4738

A/N: this gif should not be attractive but here i am sitting in a puddle... WHO SAID THAT

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Three weeks. All Dean had left was three weeks. 

It felt like your heart was constantly in your throat. It felt like you could never get Dean close enough to you when you slept beside him. No amount of late night conversation or sexual escapades could save you from the anxiety you had welling up inside you. 

And so, you went back to work trying to find the demon holding Dean’s contract. 

You lingered behind Sam in the back of a dark room in an abandoned cabin where Dean was throwing every torture he could possibly think of at the demon strapped to the chair in front of him. “You ready to talk?”

“I don't know,” he wailed. “I don't know anything!”

“Oh, you hear that, guys?” Dean taunted. “He doesn't know anything.”

“Yeah, I heard,” Sam smirked. 

You stayed silent.

“I'm telling you the truth,” the demon pleaded. 

“Oh, you are? My god, then I owe you an apology. Allow me to make it up to you.” Dean held the demon’s mouth open and forced Holy Water down his throat. “I'm gonna ask you one last time: who holds my contract?!”

You were mentally scolding yourself for finding this interrogation sexy in any manner.

The demon went quiet and hung his head low. He looked up with inky black eyes, smiling. “Your mother. Yeah, she, uh, showed it to me right before I bent her over.”

“I want a name. Or else—”

The demon cut Dean off. “Or what? You're gonna squirt your holy water in both ends? Please. Brother, that's like a flea bite compared to what's coming to me if I tell you jack. Do what you want. The only thing I'm scared of is the demon holding your ticket.”

You stepped forward for the first time. “Let me try something.”

Dean looked at you skeptically, but the wheels in your head began to turn. The boys hadn’t seen you in action with an interrogation just yet; a skill you could credit your father for bestowing upon you. 

“Oh, god,” the demon laughed. “Gonna torture me with a kiss, pretty girl?”

You kept your gaze ahead, preparing for what you were going to have to do to this demon. “We got any salt in the trunk, Dean?” 

He shot you another skeptical look. “Yeah…?”

You nodded at him to go get it while you circled the demon holding the iron fire poker behind your back. When you were behind him, you quickly carved the binding link symbol into the back of his neck through the demon’s screams of protest. 

The demon laughed when you were finished. “A binding link? Really?”

“Hate to say it, I’m with him on this one,” said Sam, looking at you with confusion written all over his face. 

You gave him a look that told him to just trust you. When Dean returned with the large bag of salt he had in the trunk, you doused the iron poker in holy water and dipped it in the salt. “Is this gonna feel like a flea bite?” you asked, your face completely flat. 

The demon’s eyes flashed with fear, but he kept his “tough guy” persona up. You lightly cut down his left thigh with your knife before shoving the poker in the wound, and he screamed out louder than Dean had been able to manage making him. 

“Who holds Dean’s contract?” you asked evenly. 

“I can’t tell you,” he replied flippantly. 

“You can,” you said, “you just don’t want to.” You cut down the inside of his left thigh and created a deep gash, repeating the same action of putting the poker inside the wound. “See why I wanted you stuck inside?” you snarled. “You’d miss all the fun.”

“I’m not telling you anything!” he cried. 

You recoated the iron in holy water and salt. You cut up the side of his torso and put the poker against the wound once more. “Tell me,” you demanded. 

“No!” he screamed in agony. 

“Tell me!” you screamed in his face, holding the poker to his throat. 

“(Y/N)—” you heard Dean say quietly from behind you. 

You shoved the demon to the ground, still bound to his chair, and grabbed a handful of salt. Harshly, you rubbed it into the bleeding wound on the inside of his thigh. “Fucking tell me!” 

“(Y/N)!” Dean pulled you up from the demon by your elbow. “Sam, finish this fucker.” He pulled you outside of the cabin, and you shrugged him off you. 

“What the fuck, Dean?!” 

“I couldn’t watch you do that anymore,” he said. 

“What, get some demon to spill his guts? I thought that was what we’re here to do,” you scoffed. 

“Yeah, but that?” Dean pointed back at the cabin. You could see Sam exorcizing the demon through the window. “I’m not gonna watch you do that to yourself.”

“This has nothing to do with me. I’m fine,” you responded. 

“I’ve never known you to be like that,” he told you. 

“Like what?”

“Like me,” he answered, looking anywhere but your eyes. 

“C’mon, Dean—” you rolled your eyes. “This has nothing to do with my character versus yours or something like that. This is a desperate time. Desperate times, desperate measures.”

“Whatever,” he said. “Why is this just a casual thing for you?” 

“I grew up a hunter with a mean ass dad, Dee. He taught me all this,” you said, waving your hand in reference to the cabin. 

“Really?” he questioned. “You never told me that.”

“It never really came up,” you smiled lopsidedly. “Besides, not much time for backstories when we’re trying to break a demon deal and keep Sam from going Dark Side.”

“Don’t do that again. Not for me, okay?” Dean asserted. “I can’t watch that again.”

“I’m not asking you to,” you replied. “But if it gets us some answers, I will do it again.” Dean went to protest, but you kept going. “If it gets you out of this fucking deal, I’ll do pretty much anything. I love you, and I respect you, but this is not up for debate. I have a skill. Why not use it?”

***

“Guys, why are we gonna go after a fucking zombie when we should be focusing on Dean’s deal?” you asked, referring to the case Sam had found in the paper. “We’ve been on soul-saving detail for months now. But three weeks out, all of a sudden, you’re interested in workin’ a case?”

“Look,” Sam sighed, “I just thought since Dean’s been all gung ho to hunt, I’d be doing him a favor.”

“Obviously I wanna hunt some zombies, (Y/N),” Dean grinned. 

You dropped your head back knowing you’d lost the fight.

***

The man who’d died had apparently had his liver removed surgically. After thoroughly convincing a coroner that you were insane, you realized your zombie theory was all wrong.

You remained fed up with the fact that you weren’t focusing on Dean’s deal but went along with the case anyway. While Sam and Dean remained focused on talking to another man who’d had an organ cut out of him, you were angry with the entirety of the situation; not specifically the two brothers.

Now, back in the motel, you sat on Sam’s bed while Dean happily chomped on a burger. You pretended to research on your laptop while Sam actually worked on his. 

“So, I got a theory,” Sam piped up. 

“Yeah?” Dean asked through a mouthful of food. 

“Yeah, I talked to Mr. Giggle's doctor. Turns out his incisions were sewn up with silk.”

That caught your attention. “What?”

“That’s weird,” Dean added.

Sam nodded. “Yeah, nowadays, it is, but silk used to be the suture of choice back in the early 19th century. It was really problematic. Patients would get massive infections. The death rate was insane.”

“Good times,” Dean quipped. 

“Right, so doctors, they had to do whatever they could to keep infections from spreading. One way was maggots,” Sam grimaced. 

“Dude, I’m eating,” Dean winced. 

“It actually kind of worked because maggots, they eat bad tissue, and they leave good tissue. And get this. When they found our guy, his body cavity was stuffed full of maggots,” Sam explained. 

“Dude, I'm eating!” Dean groaned. “Alright, let me get this straight. So, people are getting ganked, right? A little ‘antiques roadshow’ surgery, some organ theft. But why is this all sounding familiar?”

“Uh, Dr. Frankenstein?” you quipped. 

“No, because he’s heard it before,” said Sam. “When you were a kid. From Dad. Doc Benton: real-life doctor, lived in New Hampshire, brilliant and obsessed with alchemy, especially how to live forever. So, in 1816, Doc abandons his practice and—”

“Right, yeah,” Dean cut his brother off, “nobody hears from him for like 20 years, and all of sudden, people start showing up dead.”

“Dead or missing an organ or the hand or some other kind of part.”

“ 'Cause whatever he was doing was actually working. He just kept on ticking. Parts would wear out; he'd replace them. But I thought Dad hunted him down and took his heart out.”

“Yeah, I guess the Doc must have plugged in a new one.”

“Alright, where's he doing the deed?” Dean questioned. 

“According to this, Benton's picky about where he sets up his lab. He likes dense forest with access to a river or stream or some kind of freshwater,” replied Sam. 

Dean took another huge bite of his burger. “Why?”

“Because that's where he likes to dump the bile and intestines and fecal matter.”

Dean gagged. 

“Lost your appetite yet?” Sam deadpanned. 

Dean considered, looking down at his burger. “Oh, baby, I can’t stay mad at you.”

Though you normally would have giggled at Dean’s joke, you simply rolled your eyes this time. 

Dean had apparently been expecting you to laugh, too. “What’s up?” he asked. 

“Nothing.” You shut your laptop and walked out with the brothers staring after you to smoke a joint. 

***

Almost an hour of you sitting outside later, Dean marched out of the room with his bag. 

“Where you going?” you asked him. 

“Sam lied to us. He knew Benton was here,” he replied, throwing his duffel into the back of the car. 

“What?!” you exclaimed angrily. 

“Yeah,” Dean huffed. “And Bobby knows where Bela is. That’s where I’m goin’.”

“I’m coming with you,” you asserted. Off his look, you stated, “I’m not asking.”

“Can’t say I’m loving this new attitude of yours,” Dean said as you headed back to your shared room for your bag. 

“My dude’s gonna die in three weeks. Forgive me if I’m a little on edge,” you called over your shoulder as you strutted ahead.

***

Dean drove well into the night as you sat beside him holding his hand. You couldn’t help but want to constantly be touching just to revel in the fact that he was here, and he was okay. 

You arrived in Canaan, Vermont around three in the morning. You and Dean stopped at a motel to get a few hours of sleep before you would head to meet Bobby’s contact, Rufus Turner. 

“I’m sorry,” Dean told you through the dark, holding you against his chest. 

“For what?”

“Everything,” he replied, voice rumbling deeply in his chest. “I’m sorry I’ve been hard on you. I know this has been…” he trailed off, sighing. 

“You don’t need to apologize, Dee,” you told him. “I’m not angry with you. I’m just stressed out.”

“I know. And I’m sorry I put you in that position.” 

You tilted your face up toward him and kissed his chin. “It’s okay. Let yourself off the hook.”

The two of you didn’t speak for the rest of the night, but you knew that Dean wasn’t sleeping. The both of you were staring up at the ceiling thinking about what was awaiting Dean in less than three weeks. 

The evidence of that showed in the bags that hung under your eyes as you approached Rufus Turner’s house. A handwritten sign hung on the porch reading, “No solicitors, that means you! No asking for donations. No selling ANYTHING!"

Dean rang the buzzer and than banged on the door. 

You heard a noise behind you and turned to see a security camera positioning itself toward you. “What?” a man’s voice asked through the intercom. 

“Hi,” you said politely. “Rufus?”

“Yeah, even if I am, the question is still the same. What?”

“I’m (Y/N). This is Dean. We’re friends of Bobby Singer’s,” you replied. 

“So?” he asked. 

“You called him this morning,” explained Dean. 

“So?”

Dean tried to flash a charming grin at the camera despite his obviously growing frustration. “You told Bobby about a British chick who made contact with you.”

“And so?” Rufus continued. 

“You know where she is?”

“Yeah.”

“Great. Could you tell me where I could find her?”

“No.”

“ ‘Course not,” Dean muttered to himself. He looked back up at the camera. “Look, Rufus, man—”

The door jerked open to reveal the man you’d been speaking to. “Look, let me point something out to you. You are knocking at my door, so don't ‘Look, man’ me. I'm not your man.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” Dean replied politely. It was like he was speaking to his father, and how quickly he snapped into line startled you slightly. 

“Alright, let me tell you a little story,” Rufus began. “See, once upon a time, Bobby called me, asked me to call him if I got a whiff of this Bela Talbot. I got a whiff. I called. The end.”

“Okay, yeah, if you could just tell me where she is, I mean, that would be great,” Dean chuckled awkwardly. 

“Dean, right?”

Dean nodded. 

“Dean, do I look like I'm here to help you?” 

“I’m gonna say no?” 

“Then get the hell off my property.”

“Would a bottle of scotch change your mind?” you asked, holding up the bottle Bobby suggested you bring with a lopsided smile. 

Rufus eyed you, brows drawn, then the bottle, and then grinned. 

***

Rufus was actually pretty cool once you’d gotten to know him and plied him with a little liquor. What he told you about Bela was what really piqued your interest, though. Rufus managed to find Bela’s— well, Abby’s— records from England. She’d apparently lost her parents in an accident where it seemed the brake lines were cut on their car. 

You didn’t drink, seeing as Dean wasn’t intending on being the responsible one in this scenario, and as a result, you drove a very drunken Dean back to your motel. 

“But Bela—” he whined. 

“I’ve got her. You’re staying here,” you asserted, doing your best to get him on your bed. 

“I don’t want you going alone,” he replied. 

“You are too drunk to be handling a gun, m’ love,” you told Dean. “I promise I’ll be back soon, okay?”

“Wait.” Dean grabbed your hand as you turned for the door. “Be safe, okay?” 

A gentle smile tugged at the corners of your lips. You helped Dean tug off his boots and get into bed. He passed out pretty much as soon as he hit the pillow, and you gave him a lingering kiss on his forehead before you left. 

***

As soon as Bela closed the door to her hotel room, you were on her with your arm across her throat and your gun in her face. “Where’s the Colt?” you sneered. 

“(Y/N),” she replied calmly. 

“No extra words,” you asserted.

She quirked a brow at you. “It's long gone, across the world by now.”

“Liar,” you said, shoving her neck harder. You grabbed her bag from her hand to look in it, keeping your gun firmly trained on the place right between her eyebrows. 

“I'll call the buyer. Speak Farsi?” she smirked. 

You pulled her against you and made quick work of frisking her in search of her gun. 

“What the hell are you—?!” 

“Don’t flatter yourself,” you replied, dangling her gun in front of her face that you’d found tucked in her waistband. You used the tip of your gun’s barrel to flick the light on, then pointed it back at her. “Don’t fucking move, or I’ll kill you, I swear to god.”

You began to search the room, taking every drawer and bag apart. 

“I told you, I don’t have it,” Bela spoke evenly. 

“We are way past trust, angel,” you explained to her. When you heard movement behind you, you shot at the door inches from her head. “I told you not to fucking move.” You continued searching.

After a few minutes, she spoke again. “It's gone. Get on a plane if you must. Track down the buyer. You might catch up to him eventually.”

You angrily threw the last drawer open, rummaged through it, and stood with your gun pointed at her head. 

“Are you going to kill me?” she asked.

You simply nodded in response. 

“You're not cold-blooded, darling.” Bela rolled her eyes. 

“That’s where you’re wrong,” you stated flatly. “The boys are more of the Care Bear type than I am.”

She gave you a skeptical look. “Really.”

“Really,” you smirked cruelly. “You and I are way more alike than I think you realize.”

“How’s that?” she snickered. 

“Both annoyingly bitchy. Both with various vices and addictions. Both brutally honest. And we both killed our parents,” you told her. “But what I can’t work out is why you did it.”

She looked completely shocked but tried to maintain her composure. “I don't know what you're talking—”

“Yes, you do,” you replied. “Don’t fuck with me. You were, what, fourteen? Shady car accident, police suspected a slashed brake line, and little Bela— well, Abby— inherits millions. Ringing any bells?”

Her mouth agape, she breathed out, “How did you—”

“Doesn’t matter,” you drawled. 

“They were lovely people. And I killed them. And I got rich. I can't be bothered to give a damn. Just like I don't care what happens to Dean,” she shrugged.

Seeing red, you pushed her against the door with your arm against her throat again.

“You make me sick,” you snarled. 

“Likewise,” she grinned. 

You backed away from her, pointed your gun, and cocked it. Then, you noticed the woven herbs hanging above her door were ones used for warding off Hellhounds. Deciding killing her now would be letting her off easy, you clicked the safety back into place and shoved her out of your way. “I’ll see you around, Abby.”

***

When you returned to the motel, Dean woke up as soon as you opened the door. He hummed sleepily. 

“Morning, princess,” you smiled. 

“You haven’t called me that in a while,” his deep voice rumbled. 

You giggled. “Figured it was time to bring it back.”

“Is she—?” Dean trailed off, referring to Bela. 

“No,” you said. “She will be soon, though.”

He shot you a confused and slightly irritated look. “I thought you were gonna—”

“I was. And then I saw Devil’s shoestring hangin’ above her door. I figured that would be a more suitable death for her,” you shrugged. 

“Damn, she made a deal?” he questioned, getting up from bed. 

“I’m guessing to kill her parents,” you replied. 

“Good thinkin’. Well, let’s get goin’ back to Sam.”

You nodded. “Sure you don’t need to nurse that hangover first?” you asked mockingly. 

He groaned. “That scotch was some serious shit, man.”

***

“I’m really fucked this time, (Y/N),” Dean admitted, voice breaking slightly. 

You pulled your eyes from the road to look at him for a brief second. “Dee…”

“No,” he shook his head. “The Colt’s gone, and Sam was right. Bela was a goose chase.” Dean’s phone rang. “Speaking of…” he trailed off as he answered the phone. “You okay? Was he there?... Did you kill him?... What do you mean, ‘no’?... What, the live-forever formula?... Great, let me guess. I got to drink blood out of a baby's skull?... Wait, wait, wait. What are— What are you saying? You think… Okay, so, this formula…” He suddenly got panicked. “Sam?! Sammy!” He slammed his phone shut. “Dammit! Drive faster, (Y/N).”

“What happened?!” you questioned. 

“He found Benton’s cabin. He said that whole, uh, live-forever thing is just science. Meaning… it’s doable. And then, Benton found him,” Dean explained. 

“Oh, fuck.” You floored it completely. “Well, how the hell are we gonna find Sam? Weren’t there, like, five different possible cabins?!” 

“I’m gonna get the phone company to put a track on it,” Dean responded. 

After he did so, the car went quiet for another moment as you focused on driving. However, there was a nagging thought in the back of your mind. “Are you… Are you gonna take the elixir of life?”

Dean considered for a moment. “I don’t know. I don’t even know if this is gonna work.”

“Right. I don’t know if changing out whose pancreas you’re carrying is gonna have an effect on the Hellhounds’ ability to… y’know…”

“Yeah,” Dean nodded. “This fucking sucks.” He slumped down in his seat. 

“Hey, all is not lost,” you told him. 

He shot you a look that said, “Yeah, right.” “Look, right now, we just need to focus on Sam,” he asserted. 

“Okay, then. What’s your plan?” you asked. 

He gave you another look. 

“Right,” you said dryly. “Why would you have a plan?”

***

Thankfully, when you got to Benton’s cabin, you found a bottle of chloroform on the table in the kitchen. Silently, you held it up to show Dean. He took it from you and drenched his Bowie knife in the liquid. 

As you approached the cabin’s basement, you could hear Doctor Benton’s voice becoming closer and closer. Dean mouthed to you, “One, two, three,” and then, you and he began shooting at the doctor’s back after jumping out from behind the wall blocking the basement’s stairs from the rest of the room. 

“Shoot all you want,” Benton grinned, approaching you. You let loose two more bullets, and Dean swept up behind him to stab him in the back. 

He stumbled and turned around. “A knife? What part of immortality do you not understand? Pity about the heart, though. It was a brand-new one.”

“Good. It should be pumping nice and strong,” Dean smirked. “Sending this stuff throughout your whole body. See, I picked up your little bottle upstairs and dipped the knife in it.”

Dr. Benton’s mouth fell open in shock, and his eyes rolled back in his head just before he collapsed. 

“(Y/N), gimme a hand?” Sam asked as Dean dealt with Dr. Benton’s body. 

You rushed to his side, unstrapped his limbs, and carefully peeled the pieces of duct tape off his eyelids that were holding them open. “You okay?” “Yeah. You got here just in time,” he smiled weakly. 

You gave him a quick hug, both relieved that he was okay and happy to see him again. 

“Alright, break it up,” Dean groaned. “Help me get this mook on the table. He’s fuckin’ heavy.”

***

You sat in the corner of the room waiting for Dr. Benton to wake up. After about an hour of twiddling your thumbs, the doctor groaned. 

“Oh, hiya, Doc. Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey,” Dean deadpanned. 

“Please—” the doctor panicked. 

“ ‘Please’ what?” Dean taunted. “You've been killing poor bastards for over a hundred-fifty years, and now, you got a request? Shut up.”

The creature struggled against his restraints. “No, you don't understand. I can help you. I know what you need.”

Dean ignored the doctor and focused on you and Sam. “We might have to cut him up into little bits. Y'know, this immortality thing is a bitch.”

“I can read the formula for you. You know… immortality… Forever young, never die,” he tried. 

“Dean,” Sam said suddenly. 

“Sam,” you warned. 

He walked out of the room, indicating for you and Dean to follow. 

You kept an eye on the doctor just to ensure he couldn’t go anywhere while Sam addressed his brother. 

“I mean, we're talking Hell in three weeks, or needing a new kidney in, like, half a century,” Sam urged. 

“Yeah, well, you can't exactly get those at a Kwik-E-Mart,” Dean snarked. 

You kept silent. 

“It's not perfect, but it buys us more time to think of something better. We just need time, Dean. I mean, please, just- just think about it.”

“No,” Dean replied firmly. 

That surprised you, if you were honest. 

“Dean, don't you want to live?” Sam asked in desperation. 

Dean gave him a sympathetic look, but his voice was firm. “What he is isn't living. Look, this is simple.”

“Simple?” Sam scoffed. 

“To me it is, okay,” Dean returned. “Black or white; human, not human.” He strolled back into the room to tower over the immobilized doctor. “See, what the Doc is is a fuckin’ monster. I can't do it. I would rather go to hell.”

“You don’t understand. I can help you!” The doctor yelled. 

You poured more chloroform onto a rag and handed it to Dean. Dean covered the doctor’s mouth with it and turned to Sam. “Now, I'm gonna take care of him. You can either help me or not. It's up to you.”

***

The three of you laid the doctor’s body in the ground inside a refrigerator wrapped in chains. You dropped the doctor’s book on top of the box. 

“No!” Benton wailed. “Stop it! I can help you!”

“Enjoy forever in there, Doc,” Dean said, sounding slightly emotionless. 

As gruesome as the thought of being trapped down there forever was, it was what needed to be done. And so, you shoveled the displaced dirt back on top of the refrigerator and book. 

When you’d dusted your hands off, you turned to the boys. “Alright, we gotta get the hell outta dodge.”

“What do you mean?” Sam asked. 

“Bela’s probably on her way to the motel as we speak,” you replied. “She swiped the receipt from my pocket.”

“And you didn’t think to say anything till now?” Dean asked, eyebrows shooting up in surprise. 

“We were a little preoccupied!” you remarked. “Now, c’mon. Let’s get our shit before she gets there…. Should be in about three hours.”

***

After exactly three hours had passed, you called the motel room you’d been staying in while Dean drove the three of you away from trouble. Quickly, the phone picked up. 

“Hiya, Abby,” you cooed. “Figured you’d be stopping by.”

“Wh—”

You cut Bela off. “I felt your hand in my pocket when you took that receipt.”

Her breathing had become quicker. “You don't understand.”

“Hmm, I’m pretty sure I do,” you told her calmly. “I saw that Devil’s shoestring hangin’ above your door. There’s only one use for that: holding Hellhounds at bay. So I went back and took another look at that obituary for your parents. Exactly ten years ago today. Happy anniversary, I guess.”

When Bela didn’t speak, you continued. “Is that why you stole the Colt, huh? Try to wiggle out of your deal; our gun for your soul?”

“Yes,” she replied, and you could tell she was crying. 

“But stealing the Colt wasn't quite enough, I'm guessing,” you nodded, pursing your lips. 

“They changed the deal. They wanted me to kill Sam,” she cried. 

“Really?” you mocked. “Wow, who’da thought that demons would’ve been untrustworthy. Well, I’ll leave you alone now. Let you live out your last few minutes in peace.”

“(Y/N), listen, I need help,” she begged. 

“We are weeks past help, lovebug.”

“I know I don't deserve it,” Bela continued crying. 

“Y’know, come to think of it, you don’t. But if you’d come to us sooner and asked for help, we probably could’ve taken the Colt and saved you.”

“I know,” she swallowed, “and saved Dean, too. I know about his deal.”

Your heart sank, and your voice became dangerously low. “And who told you that?”

“The demon that holds it. She holds mine too. She said she holds every deal,” Bela explained. 

“She?”

“Her name’s Lilith.”

‘Fabulous,’ you thought. “Lilith? Why should I believe you?” you spat.

“You shouldn’t, but it’s the truth.” “This can't help you; not now. Why’re you telling me this?” you questioned. 

“Because just maybe you can kill the bitch,” she replied, voice holding her usual charm for the first time during your call with her. “Tell Dean I’ll see him soon.”

Taking in a shuddering breath, you said, “See you around, Abby,” and hung up the phone.

Series Rewrite Taglist: @polireader @brightlilith @atcamillanorrman @jrizzelle @insomnia-bookworm @procrastination20 @mrs-liebgott @djs8891 @tiggytaylor @staple-your-mouth @jesstherebel @rach5ive @strawberrykiwisdogog @bruhidkjustwannaread @mxltifxnd0m @sunshine-on-marz @big-ol-boat @mgchaser @capncrankle @chervbs @simpingdeadcharacters @nesnejwritings @stillhere197 @tearsforhan @take-it-on-the-run @iloveyou2mia @maxinehufflepuffprincess @ohgeehowdigethere @seninjakitey @berarenado @s0urw00lf @princessleahorgana @quarterhorse19 @isla-finke-blog @silverdoragon @karacaroldanvers @gayandfairycore @examishbookwyrm @star-yawnznn @real-sharena-h @fandomloverrr @metalmonki @onlyangel-444 @yu-winchester @benniwiththefanni @daisychaingirl @immagods @missmieux @yoongi-holland @littledebbieinabigworld

[starlightandmusings]

at the risk of sounding cynical, i really don’t think that post-canon, everything in newsies is great and happy and, well, disneyfied.

i’ve never seen crutchie as surviving past, like, 20. sometimes in polio patients, post-polio syndrome occurs, worsening muscle paralysis and possibly affecting breathing up to the point of death. not to mention polio itself affects the immune system. even if he did survive, his quality of life would be pretty poor — he would almost certainly live in poverty, if he avoided the poorhouse.

i’ve never believed that katherine and jack could end up getting married or being together long term. there were historical exceptions for wealthy people marrying below their own status, but they were rare; katherine would’ve faced extreme social pressure. and also, they’re like, 17 or 18 when they get together. katherine is utterly naive, privileged, and impulsive; jack has anger issues and unresolved PTSD. i mean it when i say they’re not really good for each other, no matter how sweet i think they are. and i don’t think it worked out for them.

on that front, i don’t think jack is a very healthy person, or at least not for a long time. his trauma is deep and severe, and he flinches at little touches, raises his voice at the littles (despite hating himself for it), has horrific dreams of michael almost nightly. tears became strongly feminized in the 19th century along with showing strong emotion, and jack — with his hypermasculine western fixation and predisposition to posturing— would’ve fallen especially prey to these ideas. he internalizes his trauma, covers his scars under layers of fabric, and shoves his feelings down ever deeper.

if race kept up with the gambling and skirting with the law, he could’ve gotten involved in bigger, sketchier stuff, like working with the five points gang (irish) or the eastman gang (jewish). (race is canonically italian/jewish/irish depending on your sources.) we know race has bad impulse control and is hotheaded; if he got into sketchier territory, he could have easily gotten himself into trouble, sent upstate to sing sing or rikers. that’s some major extrapolation, but i could see it happening.

all that to say, i resent disney for covering the show in this kid-friendly gloss when that’s just not the bleak reality. maybe that’s why i love hard promises. it’s hard, and dark, but it makes the glimpses of joy that much brighter. don’t do these kids a disservice by pretending their lives were all easy and happy, because they’re fighters for a reason.

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

"I won't let anyone hurt you, you're safe with me" I imagine this as Sebastian saying it to Reader. But the thought of the reader saying it to Sebastian after he wakes from a night terror (in this scenario, they have escaped Urbanshade) is very sweet to me

True to their word, they got you out.

You and Sebastian were finally free from Urbanshade's horrors.

Innovation Inc. managed to extract enough data from all the loose assets you've given to him to formulate an escape plan.

Thank god you have connections to the labs, otherwise you would have been just as doomed as any other EXR-P.

But you were more relieved that Sebastian didn't have to stay trapped in that place anymore. He didn't have to move from place to place and fight to survive constantly.

Even better?

There was actually a way for him to become human again.

Urbanshade deemed him too far gone in his mutation to reverse the countless painful surgical processes they put him through....but they were nothing but liars who didn't see the point of investing in the resources needed.

They could have done it all along.

Innovation, on the other hand, got every bit of data on the experiments that they needed, going right to work on him as soon as you both arrived to the labs.

Obviously, he resisted at first...as all the trauma he experienced from before didn't go away instantly.

He was afraid of another surgery, being touched and injected with foreign substances and restrained. Not to mention the heavily potent anesthesia he needed since he's developed such a strong immunity to it.

But you convinced him that if he hoped to become human--he needed this.

It took a week or two, with him being in and out of the operating room and you trying to pass the time by chatting with your colleagues about exposing Urbanshade's secrets to the world..but eventually they did it.

They gave him legs again. HIs ear fins were now back to being human ears--and anything else that made him look like an anglerfish was removed and replaced with stitched flesh. His third arm was amputated but preserved for future study.

Somehow, they even got his size to shrink. No longer was he a gigantic beast, but instead an actual human-sized person who got to sleep on the bed beside you.

The only things left of his previous self were some of his sharp teeth (which he didn't mind keeping) and his skin still bearing a somewhat light blue tint to it, although it was not as pale.

It was incredible.

He cried the first time he saw himself.

He felt..human, again. And you were happy for him.

Although...

While he was getting better physically, no amount of surgeries would be able to get rid of the emotional pain Urbanshade and the criminal justice system had put him through.

From getting an unjust sentence for something he didn't even do to screaming in horror at his monstrous reflection for the first time...all of those events still like to replay in his mind.

Not to mention he conditioned himself into never letting his guard down for any reason.

He'd wake up if he heard somebody so much as cough in the next room or squeak their shoes a little too loudly.

While the hardest part was over, it was still going to be a long and agonizing recovery process for him.

Tonight, however, Sebastian was sound asleep, whereas you were sitting at the nearby desk, pencil scratching at the notebook in your hand. You were just trying to brainstorm ways to get Painter and Eyefestation out and away from the Blacksite.

Of course those two were nothing short of a nuisance during your many runs to escape with the Crystal...but Sebastian considered them friends, as they were the only ones who could communicate with him and never tried eating him. So you did feel a little bad for leaving them behind.

You were sure Eyefestation was put out of her misery, knowing that she couldn't swim very far up due to the pressure changes in the ocean--plus she wasn't willing to let go of her vendetta against humans.

Innovation could very easily turn her into a normal shark again who could still speak telepathically...but they couldn't cure her hatred.

For all you know, she could want to kill Sebastian now simply because he was (mostly) back to being human.

Painter, on the other hand, could have escaped with you if you had more time. He deserved a better life besides wasting away mining robux and being tethered to the IDS. He always talked about Sebastian's promise to get him out, too, so you wondered if he felt betrayed and lied to...

Until you recently learned that Innovation figured out a way to communicate with him and help throw more dirt on Urbanshade via an encrypted channel. So there was a chance his AI could be transferred over to this facility if his physical body was destroyed.

That gave you hope to see him again.

But until then, they told you to look after Sebastian, and that was fine by you. He was all you cared about right now.

"GAH!"

Snapping your head over, you could see the man jolt upright all of the sudden, eyes wide as he clutched at his chest, breathing hard. You noticed the sweat dampening the front of his shirt, and closed your book. "Seb?"

"Shit. I was...am I...a-am I still...?" He mumbled to himself, bringing a trembling hand to his forehead, before he squeezed his eyes shut. "Please don't be there..please, please, please, god.."

To his relief, he felt nothing but the tiny bumps that formed a stitch beneath his black bangs. But even so, his fingers kept grazing over his skin and ears, wanting to be certain those things weren't there anymore.

"It's okay. You're still at Innovation. My buddies got rid of them."

Feeling the mattress dip, Sebastian looked to see you sitting on the bed, too. You looked concerned, but not overly worried--as this has become a rather normal occurrence ever since he finished those rounds of surgeries.

"I know that, but..I've had them for a long time." He lightly scoffed, trying to calm himself down, but you could tell he was still shaking and very overwhelmed by his nightmare, tears stinging his eyes. "I..I-I can't just...forget about it like it never happened, you know. Like those bastards didn't.....gh.."

He got choked up, and you opened your arms to him, waiting to see if he was willing to accept your offer. Being a giant anglerfish, he never wanted anybody to touch him, and you understood perfectly why.

So for him to curl up into your embrace was a bit of a surprise, but you held him closely; not too tightly so he was uncomfortable, of course. "I won't let anyone hurt you. You're safe with me." You consoled, feeling him rest his head on your shoulder, sniffling quietly.

A few tears dampened your sleeve, but you didn't mind them.

It made you realize that he probably took his humanity for granted--now there was no longer a huge size difference between you two.

Ever since escaping the blacksite, he's become a bit more attached to you, wanting to constantly be near you. Even back then, he's been friendlier to you than most expendables.

He'd never outright say your presence comforts him. But you could tell through the small gestures and "exceptions" he makes for you that you're the only good thing to enter his life at Urbanshade.

"You're okay, Seb. We're both okay now."

"Y-Yeah, I know..I know.." He muttered, slowly trying to wriggle out of the hug, to which you let him go and allowed him to sit up. "Sorry you gotta put up with me being like this. Thought I would've been over it by now.."

Despite his words, he was still physically shaken up, the nightmares not so easily leaving his mind.

"There's no rush to "get over" any of this." You frowned a little, putting your hand on top of his as a comforting gesture. "I sure as hell haven't. Every time I think I can get some sleep, I find myself getting chased by those stupid mutant fish over and over again.."

Sebastian just scoffed. "You think being chased by one is bad? Try becoming one and having to live through-"

But he stopped himself after seeing the look on your face, as well as you removing your hand and getting up. "Sorry. I'll..get you some water-"

"No. Don't leave. Please."

You blinked in surprise as he grabbed at the hem of your shirt with lightning speed, although when he realized you were staring...he quickly let go and coughed awkwardly into his fist.

"I know I'm not the only one who went through some messed up shit. I don't know how you dealt with it."

"What?"

"..dying over and over again. I would've gone fucking insane if I had to live through that."

"Well, I almost did...but it was worth it. Because we're both free now." You offered him a reassuring smile. "And technically Painter, too. We'll have to talk to him sometime."

"Yeah? Think he'd wanna chat with me after I basically lied to him?" He muttered, sounding uncertain. "I promised him that we would get out. And he could paint all the landscapes he wanted to."

"My colleagues are still figuring out how to unhook him from the IDS without further corrupting him, but they're making good progress. He'll be on his own little computer in here in no time."

"That's good. I just hope he can forgive me. I really only asked him to stall.."

"I'm sure he'd understand, Seb." With a sigh, you picked up your book. "He knows we're safe and he's giving Innovation whatever they need. So I wouldn't worry."

Sebastian simply nodded, looking to his hands--specifically to the ring imprint that was still on one of his fingers, frowning a little as he stared at it.

Even though his humanity was restored, he had already been declared dead a long time. Everyone he knew and loved was convinced that he was a guilty man who deserved execution. It didn't matter if they caught the actual criminal or not.

He just couldn't return to normal life after all he's been through. After all he's seen.

No.

But he could start over with you.

It was funny to think that you were once an expendable prisoner he glossed over, assuming you just wanted to buy his wares and march onwards to your next death--to which he'd laugh in your face and show you the document you already had memorized.

Now, you were the only person he could trust. The only person he was willing to be vulnerable around.

Because you helped free him.

You were the reason he was able to become human again.

[misspelledwordswizard]

Can I request a Time content?

The Chaín except Time asking Reader his type or things she likes of a man. She mention some qualities but she specify "Older Man".

Time all blushing because he is in love with reader and Reader likes him too.

Time Content, yeay! I loved writing this asdfkqaj I hope you like it! <3

I like older men

— Oh, come on, you have to have a type! – Warriors exclaimed, referring to me. He’s been pestering me for a few minutes to tell me what type of man I’m attracted to. 

— I don’t think I have an exact type. – I kept giving the same answer. My taste can be quite flexible, I’d say. 

We were all around the campfire, talking, sharing stories, after the meal. The conversation was going smoothly until they got to the subject of relationships, which Sky dominated, by the way. The Captain has some experience in short-term relationships, so to speak, some of the others seem to have traumas, while the rest simply have never had anything with anyone until now, totally fair.

But, apparently, my romantic life became the central point of the entire conversation after I said I was single, and had never been seriously involved with anyone before. From what I understand, this information is somewhat shocking to them. 

— But not even some things you find attractive in men? – Wild suggested, he wasn’t helping me either. 

Unconsciously, my thoughts took me to the leader of the group, who was the only one who wasn’t bothering me with the subject. I can’t tell if it was because he was not interested in the subject or simply out of respect for my dignity. 

He didn’t even seem to be paying attention, to tell the truth. Leaning so calmly against a tree, with both eyes closed, I couldn’t even tell if he was awake. Avoiding looking at him and ending up generating comments among the heroes, I sighed and accepted my fate. Okay, I just need to wind them up. 

— Hm, let me think. – I said, raising expectations in the boys around me. – I guess we can say I like tall men. – Out of the corner of my eye, I had the impression of seeing Four wilt in his place, did he feel offended? – And strong ones too, something more natural... – I could feel my cheeks blushing. I wouldn’t mind talking about it at a sleepover with my friends, but with the men I’ve been living with for the past few months? What a nightmare. 

They remained silent, indicating that they expected more. Damn, damn gossips. 

— Well, I find light eyes attractive, I would say. And tattoos... Oh, and men who wear black, especially those tight, high-necked shirts. – Okay, I think I’m going too far. My cheeks looked like bell peppers. Oh, right, there’s one last very important one. – And, mainly, older men. 

I concluded, unable to bear all this pressure of stares while I talk about something so personal. I closed my eyes, expecting their provocative comments or something like that, but I was surprised to notice the silence that followed. Was that really that shocking? 

I opened my eyes to see their reactions, and, to my surprise, they weren’t looking at me. All eight boys looked with shock, surprise or curiosity in Time’s direction. Confused, I turned to look at him too, and, after some time processing the information, I understood the reason for their exaggerated reactions, feeling my face even hotter than before.  Time kept his eyes closed. His face, so relaxed before, was now tense, his lips pressed together in a line and his good eye closed a little tighter. What was surprising, in fact, was how rosy his cheeks were. 

In all my life, or rather, since I met him, I never thought I would see the hero of time blush. Because of me. Damn, am I not going crazy?  Well, I am definitely to blame for this, without realizing it, I ended up almost describing him in this silly joke. 

Oh man, I want to bury my face in a hole, I couldn’t have made it more obvious! Great, now I will have to deal with the provocations of this bunch of idiots. I looked away, no longer having the courage to look at him, and just accepted my cruel fate. 

— Look... – Warriors began, and I was already mentally preparing myself for the humiliation that was to come. – ... it seems that we have finally discovered the Old Man’s type as well. 

I turned my head abruptly to look at him, in time to see his eye widen and his mouth open in surprise and indignation, but nothing came out of his mouth. With his face even redder, he sighed and stood up, leaving the group in search of a moment of peace. 

These brats are still going to kill Time with these provocations, and in addition, they are going to kill me too. 

[trickster-archangel]

Funny that you mentioned it, because I've always thought the contrast between their hallucinations was stark, but for another reason, even if it still deals with control or lack thereof.

Steve’s hallucinations always take place in the past, or at least a sanitized, idyllic, idealistic portrayal of it. Steve has been trained to always be in control. Of his body, of his mind, of situations around him. But one of the KEY commandments of the BUD/S training, following which (or failing to) determines who's going to make it out as a SEAL and who's not, is Always focus on the present. Always focus on today, on this hour, on this minute. Always focus on the task at hand and how to succeed. Don't think about tomorrow. Don't think about how it might get worse. Don't think about the pain you still have to endure. The only easy day was yesterday, and you're fighting to survive today. Tomorrow doesn't matter.

You can see how such a deeply ingrained worldview might affect Steve’s attitude. Yes, he's always in control and always thinking strategically, to gain the better outcome (and if he doesn't allow himself the luxury to believe he'll make it out alive, or at least unscathed, then it's all part of the drilling). But at which price? He only owns his past, and his present. Future doesn't matter, it actually doesn't exist. Steve dreads Future, as probably all veterans do, because he never thought he'd make it out alive, hell! Probably he never expected to make it past 30...His complete meltdown in s10, in my eyes, is also caused by the complete collapse of all the established (albeit toxic) staples in his life: first Freddie, then John, then Catherine (metaphorically), then Joe, then Doris. They all are his past. They defined the man he is now, in a way or another. And when his Past (aka Daiyu Mei, aka Wo Fat) came after his Future (aka Danny), when they tried to take away the only thing he blurrily had come to identify with some timid attemp lt at planning a future....he broke.

I'm derailing. Steve can't think about future, can’t even imagine or plan a future, he piggybacks on DANNY’S future (aka the restaurant) because he doesn't give a fuck about having a restaurant (see 9x07) but he can't imagine going on if not at Danny’s side. That's why in his dreams, when he's imagining something for himself, he's actually reshaping HIS OWN past to make sure Danny fits within it, in all possible versions of Steve’s past. Steve makes Danny his Everything.

And then we have Danny. Aka The Pessimist™. Danny who was dreaming about Rachel handing him divorce papers the day he married her. Danny who always think someone has died in a terrible way if he doesn't hear from them immediately. Danny who can't think about a single good thing, past present or future, without already imagining all the hundreds possible nightmarish scenarios it can be fucked up. By himself truly, mostly.

So yes. Danny plans A LOT in his future. All bad, anxiety-fueled things, mostly. That's because his life has always been a mess of ruining disasters and emotional fuck-ups, mostly (except his job accomplishments, and Danny NEVER questions his job skills), and I know a thing or two about how an already depressed mind, since childhood, can be shaped by continually repeating disasters (or trauma). But he plans.

So, when he's truly free, when he's in his dreamworld where life's rules and life's terms (in Steve’s words) don't matter, when he's pushed on that thin line between life and death and he needs to decide whether to give up and die, because everything hurts and he's doomed to loneliness and heartbreak, or to fight and come back because he still has time, because he still has something good he can build, he chooses. He chooses hope and he chooses future, against all odds. He does because STEVE IS HIS FUTURE, too, and he can't imagine letting Steve go alone in this future.

Because Danny might be terrified of future, but he knows Steve would simply vanish in it. And if there's something Danny Williams has always done his entire life, no matter the fear or the depression or the pessimism, is fighting for those he loves. Fighting to protect those he loves. So, in my opinion, Danny’s dream tells us very little about his need to be in control for once in his existence, and much more about his inner protector core.

More pics from H50 episode 8.10

Danny and Steve aged well.

Steve: “You’re the best thing ever happened to me.”

Danny: “Aside from arthritis and prostate issues, I know.”

Steve (sighs): “Danno, you’re the only constant in my life. Glad, you didn’t change.”

[luciferanalyzestar]

After Sinsmas I’m fuckin done with Helluva Boss. What could’ve have been a fun premise with compelling themes of socialism and classism sprinkled in between has become a melodramatic sobfest for the creator’s pet who everyone in the narrative must bend over to no matter what

I just made a post feeling the same way.

Helluva's premise could have been simple here is just rewrite of it:

Blitz, an imp who is at bottom of the social hierarchy wants to make a name for himself. He gets the idea of becoming an assassin who kills humans for sinners. He meets Moxxie and Millie and they joined him, Moxxie wants to get away from his toxic past and Millie wants to prove herself to her family. Blitz does not have the ability to go to Earth and fails at getting a crystal from Ozzie (Unknown to Blitz. he is ex-crush/friend Fizz is Ozzie's boyfriend), he learns an Ars Goetia named Stolas has a book that allows demons to travel to Earth. To make his dream a reality, he makes a deal with the sex repressed prince. Blitz has to be Stolas' escort and have sex with him once a month. Blitz does not tell his co-workers about this deal. After spending time with Stolas, he learns how much of a self-absorbed classist he really is. He gets creeped out when Stolas says fetishizing stuff about him being an imp. Blitz hates being around Stolas but does not want to disappoint his co-workers or his adopted daughter. Stolas develops a twisted crush on Blitz, viewing him as a form of escapism from his doomed from the started marriage. He does not care for Blitz as a person but as a sex object to fill his sexual desires. (If I wanted to rewrite Helluva, I would make Loona younger so we can see them bound more as a single father with a young child) Imps around him have tried to start businesses, but they never go far. Failure is not an option for him. Stella finds out about the deal Stolas made with Blitz and uses it as blackmail against him. She knows he will loss his title if it is found out that he has playing around with the lower class. She never loved Stolas but stays in the marriage to protect Octvia meeting the same fate as her (being a baby making machine) and if she divorces Stolas, she will be left with nothing.

I feel like a decent writer should have made this show's premise work and still being entertaining without becoming melodramatic. Like I mention in the post I linked, Blitz and Stolas are the main reason I am losing interest. I know stans go "IT IS CALLED HELLUVA BOSS!! OF COURSE BLITZ GETS MOST OF THE FOCUS!!!" Other franchises that are named after a character still give the other characters chances to shine like Sonic, Bluey, SpongeBob, and etc.

I highlighted the episodes of season two where Blitz and Stolas' relationship is a part of the plot.

Out of eleven episodes, only four is not about those two. If their relationship was spaced out more, giving other relationships and dynamics the spotlight, I would not have a problem with it.

The narrative doing backflips to make their relationship work grinds my gears. There is nothing romantic about it, the relationship's foundation is built off of sex and at worst, sexual coercion. I keep asking this question but what does Stolas see in Blitz outside of "being good in bed"? Same goes for Blitz. Blitz is a damaged person; the last thing he needs is to get into a relationship. I fear that the show will go in the direction that all of Blitz will heal from his trauma once he marries Stolas or some shit. Getting into a relationship will not solve your problems. People are not Band-Aids.

It is pure melodrama. We all know that Blitz and Stolas are going to get together. Seeing them lukewarm trials and tribulations so they can be together is wasting our time.

They should have gotten together in at the end of season 1. and maybe season two should have been about the hardships of their relationship of a prince falling in love with someone who lower status. I think their relationship would have worked if Stolas was not an imp fetishizer and got called out more on his classism and if Blitz is less of an unpleasant jerk and was just someone who always have their guards up due to being hurt by others in the past.

Helluva seems like an easy show to write about, why are Viv, Brandon, and Adam fumbling the bag so hard???

Off topic under the cut:

I wonder if someone reworked the show into being about humans.

Brad, man of color becomes a hit man to support himself and his adopted daughter. He wants his young daughter to have a better life than he said growing up. He gets anonymously hire to kill a wealthy higher class White man named Seth. (The anonymous person was Seth's wife, Stella). Brad gets caught by Seth but instead of reporting him to the police, Seth makes a deal with Brad that he will be his personal hit man, killing all of his business rivals. The downside is that he must do sexual favors for/on Seth.

[tomhockstetter7-111]

Highest Form of Empathy (Masterlist)

Summary

Growing up an empath was never easy. Seeing what people thought and how they felt about you all the time was more than enough to turn you into a loner. No one got further than arm's length. Thus, came your profession as a therapist. Here, your power could finally be a benefit, at least to someone else.

One night, after a long day at work, you found yourself buzzed on a sangria and speaking to some guy who's name you didn't care enough to ask for. Silently, you agree you could burn off some steam on each other. But, try as you did to ignore the torment plaguing his mind, it was just too much. You couldn't leave him in that state. Not in good conscience, anyway. You'd take away his pain and give him a break, even if just for the night. Besides, it's not like you would ever see him again.

Not much later, you receive a call from a one Charles Xavier, who claims to be offering you a job as a counselor for the students of his school and as a team member of a government task force. The job seems easy and straightforward enough. At least, it did until you saw them, again, those eyes from the bar.

There's no way this could go well.

Content notes and warnings

Enemies to Lovers

Takes place after X2. Movies involved are Origins, X-Men, and X2 (HEAVY SPOILERS). Small bits of First Class timeline are weaved in. VERY minor lore change for Remy. All other lore I took outside and crushed under the heel of my New Rocks.

General Series CW: Drinking, Alcoholism, Angst, Sex, Trauma, One-Sided Pining, Violence and Mentions Of, Mentions of Death

Who is the reader?

To Be Released

Main series

Chapter 1

Chapter 2 (Revising)

Chapter 3 (Writing)

Bonus Chapters (Not beta read or peer edited)

Chapter 1.5 (Logan) (Editing)

[idontknowanametouse]

Thinking about how Robin subverts the "femme fatale" trope

When we first meet her in Alabasta, she is this mysterious woman who works for an underground organization working to overthrow a government and just "killed" someone. She has mysterious intentions and motives, but we know they aren't good.

Next time we see her, she's with Crocodile and just by his side doing what he wants. They do have some kind of bickering, but she is by his side. At the end of Alabasta, we know there's something about her past that is important, as the fact she is being hunted for knowing poneglyph reading is mentioned, but as she betrays even Crocodile, we're lead to think:

She is a femme fatale. A beautiful and strong woman who will do anything to get to her objective and is ruthless to get to it, no real bonds formed and no love inside her heart.

But then Skypiea comes. And yes, she is still very mysterious, intelligent and kind of ruthless, but she is also weird. And a nerd. And kind. And she starts actually bonding with the straw hats.

And then Water 7 comes and oh boy.

At first, we think she was a femme fatale, after all, because she "betrayed" the straw hats. And, still, there's something off. And, still, we want to care about her.

And her flashback comes and everything goes down.

She is not a femme fatale, at least in the traditional way. She never was. She was just a woman with a dream and fear of abandonment and trauma and a strong will to live. Robin is the opposite of a femme fatale, because her "betrayal" was because she cared so very much for the straw hats. Even more than her care for herself.

The "I want to live" shows she will never be alone again. She doesn't have to put on a facade to survive ever again. She will be loved forever and no matter what.

I've seen so many femme fatale characters and they are just so plain. They have no debt other than being baddass and hot. There is no actual character, specially in spy media. Robin broke this (And Boa Hancock too. She is amazing) and showed how to write a good female character that is both attractive and strong and also a character like the others with motivations, traumas, defects and love.

[sandsoftide]

Haven’t seen enough people talking about why timebomb and specifically ekko also suffered from arcane s2 being bad. Spoilers and crit

I’ll say more in depth later when I have gone back and revisited it with a clearer head and let me make it entirely clear I LIKE timebomb in concept. Much like caitvi. Like I see the vision I just don’t like a lot of the creative choices

Ekko in s1 was a REVOLUTIONARY he built the firelights w his own two hands and was sort of a foil to jinx and silco, he hated them but he wasn’t going to roll over to piltover either. He wanted independence but not through exploitation. He was a leader and a caretaker and mature beyond his years bc he was forced to be. And he hates Jinx bc she reminds him of that trauma and he’s betrayed by what she became like there’s SO much there look at it

In s2 he goes “hm my tree is being weird” and then gets sucked into the timey wimey thing and disappears for a whole act and the firelights aren’t even MENTIONED (and ik he wasn’t a major character in s1 either but like, he was still important and relevant to the plot throughout bc of the firelights?)

Then he gets sucked into this au portal (cool concept and cool execution) and falls in love with powder or whatever. And she ISNT JINX. SHE IS NOT THE JINX WE KNOW BC JINX IN MAIN TIMELINE IS FULLY BUILT FROM HER EXPERIENCES AND TRAUMA AND MENTAL ILLNESS. Like what Jayce said to viktor that’s part of her whether it hurts her or not. Her trauma doesn’t define her but it’s a part of her! And then all of a sudden Ekko’s sad bc he misses jinx (who iirc last time he met they had the whole I hate you and I miss you talk and they fought and both thought the other dead or whatever?) and then he’s talking her off the ledge even though he has absolutely no reason to! Because he DOESNT KNOW HER he knows literally nothing she’s done since s1 finale!!! Even the “jinx as a symbol for revolution” stuff from act 1 that went nowhere he would know NOTHING ABOUT bc he basically immediately went to Jayce? And they never did the revolutionary jinx stuff that was implied w the flag waving either so there’s no connection there either

Like a full episode was spent developing timebomb and it was interesting but also contributed nothing bc that is not jinx. She just feels like a mpdg and he doesn’t feel like ekko bc he needs to be in love w her for the plot? So they do absolutely nothing interesting they could for timebomb and still make it the entirety of ekko’s plot while tossing out the firelights and the zaun v. Piltover plotline as a whole

i mean again its hard to say bc this is right. objectively. like the stuff w timebomb was objectively well written. i just feel like it doesnt give ekko the space to be his own character outside of the ship? my point isnt that the stuff was poorly written i actually enjoyed it a lot and i think they did a good job w it i just also feel like it does ekko a disservice to have that be his only plotline and how it doesnt feel like it connects to his character in s1

i feel similarly about other plots in s2, like mel's. like yes this is good stuff! i love seeing mel in the spotlight the black rose magic stuff is interesting in a vacuum but also its totally separate from the interesting thematic roles in s1 that dealt with AGAIN THE CLASS CONFLICT AND POLITICS and dropping that for something different feels. like its a disservice to the characters, i guess?

also by having the timebomb development take place primarily in an au with powder and NOT jinx we dont really get to see jinx's thoughts at all. it feels like a repeat of s1 where someone is trying to save POWDER and not jinx, they dont see her as who she is now but rather who she was or could have been. which couldve been interesting to explore but they clearly werent interested in that ANYWAYS

[shan-yee]

•𝘋𝘢𝘺 𝘐 = 𝙬𝙞𝙣𝙙 𝙗𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙠𝙚𝙧 𝙗𝙤𝙮𝙨 𝙣𝙨𝙛𝙬 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙘𝙖𝙣𝙤𝙣 𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙩 𝙄

•𝘞𝘪𝘵𝘩 = 𝙎𝙖𝙠𝙪𝙧𝙖, 𝙎𝙪𝙤, 𝙐𝙢𝙚𝙢𝙞𝙮𝙖

•𝘞𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 = 𝙎𝙚𝙭, 𝙢𝙖𝙮𝙗𝙚 𝙤𝙤𝙘 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙧𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙨, 𝙛𝙚𝙢!𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙚𝙧, 𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙙, 𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙩𝙣𝙚𝙧, 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙚𝙧.

•𝘞𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘴 = 3148

•𝘈/𝘕 = English is not my first language, please let me know if you see any mistakes ! Enjoy ✨

——— 𝐒 𝗨 𝗠 𝗠 𝗔 𝗥 𝗬 • • •

𝐈 :: 𝗦𝗮𝗸𝘂𝗿𝗮

𝐈𝐈 :: 𝗦𝘂𝗼

𝐈𝐈𝐈 :: 𝗨𝗺𝗲𝗺𝗶𝘆𝗮

╰─► 𝐈 ･ ｡ﾟ☆ 𝗦𝗮𝗸𝘂𝗿𝗮

[Biting/marking]

⇰ So, I think that under the emotions Sakura will have the reflex to bite his partner, during an orgasm for example. His goal will not even be to mark, just a way of reacting under the pleasure.

⇰ But in situations where sex is initiated by jealousy he will leave teeth marks as a way of reassuring himself but also to show that the reader is his.

⇰ Sakura doesn't really leave hickeys, he honestly doesn't know how to do it, so teeth marks are his signature. Also, he will never take the time to learn how to give hickeys.

⇰ He secretly likes it when his partner leaves marks on him although he is quite reluctant at first, probably his misplaced pride.

⇰ But in front of the mirror he will begin to observe each mark carefully and touch them with his fingertips, this is proof that the love he experiences and receives is very real.

⇰ On the other hand, he will categorically refuse to let his girlfriend leave them in visible places. He would die of shame if anyone said something about them.

[Vocals]

⇰ during his first experiences, taking into account the foreplay, I don't think he will let go and therefore will be really vocal.

⇰ if we take a blowjob for exemple, I can clearly see him with furrowed eyebrows, red cheeks, and the back of his hand on his mouth while he bites his lower lip to hold back his moans.

⇰ Because, given his character, I would say that he is more the type to moan than to groan.

⇰ It will take time and reassuring words for him to finally relax and I think he will never really let go except, maybe, in moments of overstimulation.

⇰ At the start of intercourse he will always have the habit of biting his lip but with one or two caresses on it and soft words he will stop and let the sounds come out.

⇰ He also particularly likes to hear his partner moan, it's a kind of ego boost even if he won't say it.

⇰ He will do anything to hear her and if she covers her mouth he won’t say anything but will show his displeasure by being more “aggressive” in his movements. Move his fingers faster and deeper, lick and nibble more slowly or even thrust his hips more sharply.

[Kinks]

⇰ Even if he says otherwise Sakura clearly has a praise kink, he secretly likes to hear that he brings pleasure to his partner and that he is good at what he does.

⇰ He is a little ashamed of it though, he finds that it doesn't go with his passion for fighting. What delinquent would like to hear that he is a good boy ?

⇰ But he won’t ask his partner to stop, it is possible that at the beginning he will be very embarrassed and pass off his discomfort as discontent.

⇰ I wanted to say “threesome” but honestly that doesn’t match his character, he’s way too possessive and couldn’t stand to see his girlfriend being touched by someone else.

⇰ Also, he would be afraid, because of his insecurities, that she’ll find more pleasure with someone other than him. So it's a no no for Sakura but still an honorable mention.

⇰ Maybe Wax play ? I think that he would find it very “beautiful” but that he would rather do it than receive. And he would be quite stressed at first, afraid that the wax would end up being too hot so he would probably try it on his finger in secret.

⇰ Honestly, as much as I racked my brain, I couldn't find many kinks that would interest him, I was thinking bondage or blindfold but I don't think that he would be comfortable enough to be restricted due to his trauma.

⇰ But maybe he would be willing to try it on his partner who knows ?

[Positions]

⇰ I think we can all agree that Sakura is into classics ! At first he’ll prefer to stay on a missionary. He likes being able to look at his girlfriend although holding eye contact is quite complicated for him.

⇰ He likes to be able to put his face against his partner's chest, it's a way of hiding but also of being physically close. Reader, take the opportunity to touch his hair and caress him ! This is surely the only moment where he allows himself to truly let go.

⇰ After gaining some confidence he will be willing, perhaps a little reluctant at first, to explore different positions and I like to think that cowgirl will secretly be one of his favorites.

⇰ He will be very embarrassed at first, being dominated, in a certain way, will be slightly humiliating for him but he will change his mind quite quickly.

⇰ I think this position will bring out his “submissive” side so to speak and he will let himself be overcome by pleasure very rapidly. This is a good position if your goal is to make him moan and react.

⇰ A special mention for “Face off” which will surely also be one of his favorites. Just like the missionary, he will love the closeness it provides.

⇰ I think that he will be up for trying new things but he’ll always come back to the simplest positions that allows him to be as close as possible, mind and soul, to his partner.

[Dom/Sub/Switch]

⇰ Sakura has the presence of a dom but the behavior of a sub. Honestly I would put him in the “switch” category although he has a penchant for sub, which he doesn’t really embrace.

⇰ At the start of a relationship he will categorically refuse to let himself be dominated by his partner, mainly because of his ego but also because it is very hard for him to appear « helpless » in front of someone, even his girlfriend.

⇰ It will take time for him to gain confidence in his relationship and himself. He will have to understand that being dominated does not make him weak and that he can always regain control if it is too much for him.

⇰ In the end he will end up particularly enjoying this "role", not thinking about anything and simply focusing on pleasure. However, there will always be a little alarm in his head even though he makes sure it doesn't go off.

⇰ During the evening he will switch between the two, taking his time to provide pleasure to his girlfriend but also to receive it.

⇰ In front of others he will always pass himself off as a great dominant who does not allow himself to be dominated but most of the people close to him like Suo and Togame - Nirei would take his word for it - doesn’t really buy it.

╰─► 𝐈𝐈 ･ ｡ﾟ☆ 𝗦𝘂𝗼

[Biting/marking]

⇰ Suo likes to leave mostly hickeys and very light bites in strategic places, like the inner thighs and chest.

⇰ He will make sure that everyone can see them, it's a way for him to show that he is the only one who can touch his girlfriend and to dissuade any potential flirts, my boy is possessive.

⇰Personally, he won’t hide them, unless his partner asks him to. He finds his skin much more beautiful with the marks of love from his girlfriend, a true romantic !

⇰ But hey, most of the time they will be hidden by his collar to his great dismay. You will only be able to see one or two or you’ll have to wait for the rare moments when he changes his style of clothing, like at the beach for example.

⇰ He will always be very delicate in leaving his marks and will maintain eye contact with his girlfriend, especially when he buries his head between her thighs.

⇰ This is the place he prefers to bite the most, the traces of his teeth never stay long so he will add more as the evening progresses.

[Vocals]

⇰ Honestly I don't think Suo is really vocal during the act, and it breaks my heart...

⇰ On the other hand, I think that it’s possible to get slight grunts or whimpers during oral sex. Often being the dominant one during penetration, it’s the only moments when he doesn’t think of anything.

⇰ He doesn't even hold back, it just doesn't come out. He is also very difficult to get out of breath so his breathing is never jerky, the only real way to see that he is having pleasure is to look at his eye.

⇰ During the act he has a gentle look but above all, full of desire and a spark of deep love. He will also have a slight, more mischievous smile than usual that he reserves for sexy time.

⇰ Despite his lack of vocality, he particularly enjoys hearing his partner's moans, it's a slight ego boost but he mostly likes to hear her take pleasure.

⇰ He will not hesitate to tell her about it and will encourage her to let go with sweet words and kisses on her chest and stomach.

[Kinks]

⇰ I don't know why but I think we all agreed that Suo hides a lot of things and is quite mischievous. This is why I could see him being into BDSM.

⇰ Not the extreme, especially if his partner isn't into it, but he likes to incorporate some aspect of BDSM into his sexual life.

⇰ Especially anything involving domination and bandages. He likes to control his partner and can be slightly naughty at times, however I don't see him using words like "slut", "whore" or "cum dump" at all.

⇰ He is a very attentive character who takes care of himself and others -Nirei- in the manga, which leads me to think that even in sex he remains a gentleman.

⇰ However, that doesn't stop him from being a tease and he likes to push his girlfriend's limits, observing her reactions is surely his favorite activity.

⇰ I'm not sure but I'm thinking maybe he's open to roleplay and exhibitionism ?

⇰ For roleplay I see it well in plays like, master x servant, professor x student, boss x employee, etc.

⇰ But honestly every other time he would come out of his role in amusement and the roleplay wouldn’t last long. Some times he will let go and even start to get into the play.

⇰ For the exhibitionism I think he would be “cheating” a little. Suo is possessive, he can’t stand his partner being ogled by someone else so he will always create situations that will never end in true exhibitionism.

⇰ But, there would be a very small exception. Seeing the relationship he shares with Nirei I tell myself that maybe, just maybe, he would be up for trying a threesome with him.

⇰ Of course there would be strict rules with whom he will not joke even for the blond, always protected, under his gaze and especially no kissing. It is an intimate act that is reserved for him and him alone.

[Positions]

⇰ Suo loves to see his girlfriend face but he also particularly likes the curves of her back and backside.

⇰ Reverse cowgirl and doggy style are perfect positions for him. Compare to Sakura the reverse cowgirl is not used as a position to dominate him, despite the fact that he is not the one who moves he keeps all the control.

⇰ Using his hands on his partner's hips, he manages the rhythm and intensity. He will also surely take the opportunity to explore her body with his fingertips.

⇰ I think he will use “Doggy style” for domination games. If his partner agrees, he will take the opportunity to lightly close his fingers around her throat and experiment with “breath play”.

⇰ He’ll never squeezes too hard or for too long, just enough to intensify the reader's pleasure. Suo will always inform himself about the different practices he wishes to use and will then be very informed about the risks of this practice, hence his refusal to use it for too long.

⇰ For gentler sessions he will revisit the missionary in several different ways. Knees on his shoulder, around his waist, legs in the air while he holds her ankles, etc…

⇰ This type of position allows him to control many things but mainly to maintain a certain intimate contact, other than sexual, with his partner.

[Dom/Sub/Switch]

⇰ Dom, dom, dom. Something in his eyes tells me that he is dominant in many aspects of his relationship but especially during sex.

⇰ But ! If his partner wants it, he would be willing to try to be dominated. However he won’t be able to stop himself from teasing her and would eventually regain control.

⇰ Suo is a gentle and loving dominant, he will not like to hurt physically or psychologically but that would not stop him from pushing his partner's limits, as said elsewhere, for his own pleasure.

⇰ He would be for the safeword system and will respect it with each use. For him, sex is a moment of trust and pleasure, so if this trust is broken there is no more pleasure.

╰─► 𝐈𝐈𝐈 ･ ｡ﾟ☆ 𝗨𝗺𝗲𝗺𝗶𝘆𝗮

[Biting/marking]

⇰ Umemiya clearly prefers to receive than to give, not that he doesn't like to mark his partner, on the contrary, but having hickeys on him or teeth marks is a kind of pride.

⇰ He would be capable to walk around shirtless so that everyone could see them and if he was asked questions he would answer “ho that ? It’s my girlfriend” with a big smile.

⇰ These marks are for him proof of his partner's affection and compared to Sakura he does not wish to hide them at all.

⇰ As for giving it, he refuses to use his teeth, he is terrified of leaving a permanent mark by not controlling his strength.

⇰ Also, he prefers them to be hidden. Umemiya is quite possessive, although much less so than Suo, so he wouldn't like people looking too closely at his girlfriend because of that.

⇰ He considers hickeys to be a very intimate but also sexual act, so he prefers to keep these marks for his eyes.

[Vocals]

⇰ I think that Ume is between moans and grunts, he will also probably be short of breath. Everything is visible on his face, especially his pleasure and his noises add something seductive.

⇰ Even if the moans can be compared to femininity, Umemiya's moans are quite loud and deep.

⇰ He doesn't hide at all and lets himself go during the act, in fact even if he wanted to he couldn't even try to hold them back, the pleasure he feels being too strong.

⇰ Hearing his partner is surely the best way to make him feel pleasure, after penetration, knowing that he is the cause makes him happy and motivates him to continue.

⇰ After one or two rounds he will start to have heavy and rapid breathing, he may also cum slightly more quickly but that is a detail.

⇰ I can also see him burying his face against his partner's chest and whispering sweet words and praise while making slow but deep hip movements.

⇰ Ume also talks quite a bit during penetration, making sure his girlfriend is comfortable despite how many times they have done it and also to know what she prefers, what speed, depth, inclination, etc.

[Kinks]

⇰ We probably all agree on that but he clearly has a breeding kink ! Although he is not against starting a large family in a few years, his goal is not at all to make his partner pregnant.

⇰ He simply loves the feeling that the proximity of this act gives him, agreeing on the fact that "breeding kink" is performed without a condom, he likes to tell himself that in this way he leaves a kind of trace, a part of him, inside the reader.

⇰ Once he pulls out, after a few minutes, he will insert two of his fingers to keep his cum a little longer while kissing his girlfriend's thighs.

⇰ He might also be interested in bandages and blindfolds but for him, especially if it's something his lover would like to try, he would be more than happy to be at the reader's mercy

⇰ To join the “breeding kink” I think that after a few years of relationship he will start to be interested in the “pregnancy kink”.

⇰ Ume has always been a brotherly figure and I think he will clearly have the paternal instinct once a father, he will surely want several children but before thinking about it seriously he will only like to fantasize about his partner being pregnant and will tell her about it.

⇰ His fantasy will manifest itself in more kisses placed on his girlfriend's stomach or it will only finish inside. He also will sometimes caress or press on her stomach quite absently.

⇰ There are also many things he will flatly refuse to do, like anything that is impact play or "real" BDSM. His lover is precious to him and he will refuse even if it’s something she would like to try.

[Positions]

⇰ Umemiya is a gentle partner who likes to hold the person he loves close to him and especially during sex, which is why I think "face off" would be one of his favorite positions.

⇰ It allows him deep movements but at a slow speed so he enjoys feeling the warmth of his girlfriend's insides, literally heaven.

⇰ “The lazy man” is for me a sort of derivative of “Face off” which also allows a certain closeness and intimacy. His partner is the one who decides the rhythm and the depth which allows him to simply holding her against him while enjoying himself.

⇰ I think he would be open to trying a lot of things but in the end he prefers positions that allow him to hold the reader in his arms and feel her close.

⇰ “ Spoon” or “Open-legged spoon” are also very good options and he loves using them in the morning when he wakes up or after tiring days.

⇰ He would surely suggest “Hovering Butterfly” even if it is not a position that allows penetration, he likes to provide pleasure to his partner so he will surely ask to use it often.

[Dom/Sub/Switch]

⇰ Ume is a dom-switch. He is naturally dominant but to please his partner or just try different practices he lets himself be dominated with pleasure.

⇰ Compare to Suo he is not a tease and will take his role very seriously although I don't see him being submissive as you can see some people in BDSM or Sakura.

⇰ He will always make sure not to step out of his role but will not be able to help but sometimes snicker or give questioning looks, but his ultimate goal is to please his partner so if she's really into it he will make some efforts.

⇰ His dominant side is also very light, it shown by the fact that he particularly likes to be on top and tends to be the first to engage in intimate acts, particularly sex.

[enden-k]

THEY'RE SO FREAKING CUTE AS KIDS Omg i cant with them. Babies your honor. So small

(Also wdym Vika originally had red hair- did I miss that or is it new info?)

Im very curious about how Vika's personality would evolve without the influence of his trauma. He would likely be more aware for a lack of a better term, both of himself and others so not having felt like a ghost all his life (which is ironic-) would definitely affect the way he interacts with others and carries himself. Even if in the end he turns out to still be mostly introverted and aloof, it wouldn't be to the extreme it does currently

Which, I love the idea of. I want to pinch his cheeks and coo at how small he is. He deserves every childhood experience he deserves sleepovers with Saran he deserves birthday parties where he is dying to see if the cake tastes as good as it looks. God, he's so freaking cute. I want to dump every blanket on him and protect him from the world

Also BABY SARAN. GOD. I'm dead. Dying as we speak. He looks so mischievous. Looks like he is going to vanish from sight and the next thing you know chaos has unfolded. The kind of kid that you have to be constantly watching. The house is suspiciously quiet kinda kid. Bet he and Vika get up to all sorts of shit and a good chunk of that is his fault

Have i mentioned that i want to pinch their cheeks already. Slice of life AU where they're normal kids and grow up as normal people is killing me. I want to see them throw a tantrum. And just enjoy be kids. Want to see them grow and go to school and complain about homework and go to the park and just. Enjoy life

-🦜. Too weak to them as little kids. Im going to need 3-5 business days to recover from this /j

as i mentioned in the quick post earlier, ye vika is actually a redhead if it werent for the illness/parasite!!

baby vika in this scenario/AU where hes not afflicted w the parasite would still be introverted and shy but not as extreme as canon; hes still a rather calm kid and gets overlooked often bc hes small (until he has quite the growth spurt and by the age of 18 hes the tallest) but hes not as melancholic/sad/nervous/anxious as canon

baby saran is the same as always; a menace to society LMAO. youre correct with everything you said about him AHHAHAHHAH if hes gone from your sights you know hes up to some shit. hes a menace and chaotic and a brave lil fool but he always shows respect and kindness and compassion for others. he always ropes vika into things and yes when they cause trouble its almost always sarans fault AHHAH whenever its vikas, saran takes the blame

theyre def the kind of kids that always stick together; saran is the popular kid but he always looks at vika and gets him to join them all. ppl joke abt vika being sarans lil shadow and saran gets all angry cat like "hes not my shadow, hes my sun!!!"

they grow up together and hang out all the time, help and support and love each other. i think i might draw this slice of life AU fr as a lil mini series aughhhh granting vika the childhood and youth he never had is reason enough aaa

[moonlitstoriess]

Oaths and Ashes-Lorcan x fem!reader (oneshot)

Summary: Bound by oaths to Maeve and haunted by the bond he fears, Lorcan clings to loyalty as a shield against his own heart. But when a mission goes awry, forcing him to choose between duty and his mate, the cracks in his resolve begin to show. In the shadows of betrayal and pain, will love rise from the ashes?

Warnings: Mentions of trauma, manipulation, physical injury, toxic loyalty, and themes of betrayal. Angst with no fluff and an uncertain end.

A/n: Got this random idea for a Lorcan fanfic and thought why not? Anyway you have been warned, enjoy 😘

See masterlist

The outpost was eerily quiet, save for the distant howl of the wind outside. The cold stone walls did little to keep the chill at bay, and the fire in the hearth burned low, its feeble warmth barely reaching the center of the room. She stood by the window, arms wrapped tightly around herself, watching the snow swirl and dance in the night.

Lorcan sat across the room, sharpening one of his blades with slow, deliberate movements. The metallic scrape echoed in the silence, grating and purposeful, as if he was daring her to speak first. He didn’t look at her.

“Another mission done,” she said, her voice low, breaking the stillness.

“Hm.” The sound was dismissive, his focus never wavering from the blade in his hands.

She turned, leaning against the windowsill, her arms dropping to her sides. “Is that all you have to say?”

His dark eyes flicked up briefly before returning to his task. “What else is there to say? We survived. That’s enough.”

The coldness in his tone cut deeper than she’d expected, and her jaw tightened. “You don’t think it’s worth talking about? The fact that it was another trap? That Maeve sent us into another gods-damned death mission?”

“You’re alive,” he said flatly. “That’s what matters.”

“Barely,” she snapped, taking a step toward him. “But I guess that doesn’t matter to you, does it? As long as we’re breathing, it’s fine. Just another day serving Maeve like the obedient dogs we are.”

His hand stilled, the blade catching the light as he set it down. When he looked up at her, his gaze was cold, calculating. “If you’re not cut out for this, maybe you shouldn’t have sworn the oath.”

The words landed like a blow, and she staggered back a step, her chest tightening. “You think I want this? You think I wanted to swear myself to her?”

“Did someone force you?” he asked, his voice sharp, mocking. “No? Then don’t complain about the choices you made.”

Her breath hitched, and she turned away, unable to look at him. The sting of his words mixed with the weight of her anger and exhaustion, threatening to choke her.

“I should’ve known,” she said quietly, her voice trembling. “You don’t care about anyone but yourself.”

He stood abruptly, the scrape of the chair against the floor loud in the silence. “Don’t presume to know what I care about,” he said, his voice low and dangerous.

“Then tell me,” she said, whirling to face him, her eyes blazing. “Tell me why you’re so gods-damned loyal to her. Why you follow her orders without question, even when you know it’s killing us. What is it, Lorcan? What keeps you chained to her like a dog?”

His jaw tightened, his hands curling into fists at his sides. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me,” she shot back, stepping closer, her voice shaking with anger and something rawer. “Because I’m standing here, breaking myself for this—for you—and you won’t even look at me.”

He flinched at the accusation, but the mask of indifference remained firmly in place. “Don’t make this about me,” he said coldly. “You’re not here for me. You’re here because you swore the same oath I did.”

“And that’s all I am to you? Another oath? Another pawn in Maeve’s games?”

His silence was answer enough.

The room felt impossibly small, the air thick with unspoken words and frayed emotions. She took a shaky breath, forcing herself to speak even as her heart ached. “You can’t keep doing this, Lorcan. Pushing me away, shutting me out. It’s not going to make the bond disappear.”

His expression darkened, his lips pulling into a tight line. “The bond doesn’t matter,” he said harshly. “It doesn’t mean anything. Not to me.”

The words were a dagger to her chest, and she staggered back as if he’d physically struck her.

He saw the hurt flash across her face and immediately hated himself for it, but he didn’t take the words back. He couldn’t. Not when the truth was so much harder to face.

“Fine,” she said, her voice breaking. “If it doesn’t mean anything, then neither do I.”

Before he could respond, she turned and stormed out, the door slamming shut behind her.

Lorcan stood there, staring at the empty space she’d left behind, the weight of his words crashing down on him. He clenched his fists, his nails biting into his palms, but the pain was nothing compared to the ache spreading through his chest.

For the first time in centuries, he felt something dangerously close to regret.

But Lorcan was too stubborn to let go of his pride. She would understand at some point. That he is not meant to have a mate.

The bond, while recently discovered by the both of them, lay unacknowledged by either. Though he could see how much the female whom he has known for so long is trying to create something out of this.

But it would be useless. Lorcan knew it. He was not meant to have a mate. How could one ever have a mate after walking a lonely road for so long? Too much blood, too many sins on his hands.

Besides, he was too much of a monster to even know anything outside of pain, bloodshed, loss and anger. His shadows, his demons constantly consumed him and that was enough to draw him away from everyone. Including her.

—————

Y/n had loved him for as long as she could remember. Well, maybe not from the very start because the way they met wasn’t quite under the best conditions.

She was a rebel, part of a secret organization that went against those in power. She still remembers how one hundred and fifty years ago, she was captured by The Cadre and brought to Doranelle.

There, under Maeve’s orders she was questioned. Fenrys and Gavriel constantly tried going the diplomatic way and ease her into talking while Lorcan and Rowan would just vote to have her tortured.

Y/n smiled at the memory.

Though they all started at the wrong foot, eventually she grew closer with the males, even going as far as to prove her usefulness to Maeve and swearing a blood oath, a choice she has come to very much regret.

The boys see her as a part of them now. A younger sister and a very capable fighter with a unique power.

But Lorcan…..he has always been this way and not just towards her but to the others too. It just hurt a little more because she unfortunately grew to deeply care for him.

That is why, on one random day when both her and Lorcan found out about their bond was also the moment all her dreams with him came crashing down.

He said very hurtful things that day, how he would never accept it. How he will never even acknowledge it and neither should she.

Y/n tried, she really tried to get through to him but alas, everyone has a breaking point. And yesterday was the final straw for her.

How much longer is that prick going to choose Maeve over his mate? His fucking mate!!

How much longer is he going to follow every order of that poisonous queen and defend her in every argument?

It hurt….and she was tired. Tired of trying to get through to him. She has been doing that from the moment they met and now it was time to stop.

Y/n sighed as she cleared her mind, put on her stoic mask, straightened her shoulders and entered the sitting room of Doranelle’s Grand Stone Palace, designed specifically to fit the taste of her bitchy majesty, Queen Maeve.

Upon entrance however, she noticed that the queen is yet to arrive. Rowan, Fenrys and Gavriel were all scattered around the room, with the silver haired warrior standing next to the gigantic windows and watching the view over Doranelle and the latter two sitting on opposite armchairs.

Lorcan was nowhere to be seen but, she would not concern herself with the thoughts of him.

"Y/n! Finally you are here." Gavriel's voice brought her back as she looked to see all three of them looked straight at her.

Y/n offered a tight smile to Gavriel as she moved further into the room. Fenrys shot her a grin, his golden eyes sparkling with mischief. “Well, well, look who finally decided to grace us with her presence. Let me guess, Lorcan was brooding too much, and you needed a break?”

Y/n snorted, pulling off her gloves and tossing them onto a side table. “More like I was brooding, and he needed a break.”

Rowan turned from the window, his piercing gaze scanning her face. His sharp instincts probably caught the flicker of tension in her shoulders, but he said nothing. Instead, he inclined his head. “How was the mission?”

She shrugged, aiming for nonchalance. “Standard Maeve nonsense. Get in, retrieve the target, fight off a few surprises along the way. Nothing we haven’t done a hundred times before.”

“Yet you look like you’ve been through hell,” Fenrys said, leaning forward in his chair. “What happened out there?”

Y/n hesitated, feeling their eyes on her. She knew they cared, but she couldn’t bring herself to explain the emotional storm that had brewed between her and Lorcan. “The usual,” she said finally. “Maeve’s intelligence wasn’t exactly accurate. There was an ambush.”

Gavriel frowned. “An ambush? Were you injured?”

“Nothing I couldn’t handle,” she said quickly. “We managed.”

“You managed?” Fenrys repeated, a skeptical brow arching. “Sounds like there’s more to that story.”

“There isn’t,” Y/n said firmly, brushing past him and sinking into one of the chairs. “It’s over now. That’s all that matters.”

The males exchanged glances, their concern evident, but they didn’t press further. Instead, Fenrys leaned back with a dramatic sigh. “Well, next time, try not to steal all the excitement. We’ve been stuck here dealing with Maeve’s mood swings. Honestly, I’d take an ambush over her any day.”

Y/n allowed herself a small chuckle. “Careful, Fenrys. She might hear you.”

“Let her,” Fenrys said with a smirk. “I live to irritate her.”

Rowan rolled his eyes. “You live to irritate everyone.”

“True,” Fenrys admitted, grinning. “But I do it so well.”

The light banter was a welcome distraction, and Y/n felt some of the tension in her chest ease. For a moment, it was almost enough to forget the weight of the bond, the mission, and Lorcan’s cold words. Almost.

The grand double doors swung open with a creak, and the room fell silent as Maeve swept in, her dark hair gleaming and her presence commanding as ever. Her sharp eyes scanned the room, lingering briefly on Y/n before flicking to the others.

“Good,” Maeve said, her voice like silk wrapped around steel. “You’re all here.”

Y/n straightened in her seat, instinctively falling into the poised composure Maeve demanded. But then her heart sank as another figure stepped into the room behind the queen.

Lorcan.

His towering presence was as dark and imposing as ever, but it was the way he stood at Maeve’s side, slightly behind her like a shadow, that made Y/n’s stomach churn. He looked as though he belonged there, loyal and unyielding, his gaze sweeping over the room without a flicker of acknowledgment in her direction.

Fenrys stiffened, his usual easygoing demeanor vanishing in an instant. Rowan’s jaw tightened, his expression unreadable. Gavriel was the only one who spoke, his voice calm but tense. “Maeve. Lorcan. What’s the occasion?”

Maeve’s smile was sharp, predatory. “A new directive,” she said, her gaze landing on Y/n. “But first, I’d like to hear about your little adventure.”

Y/n clenched her fists, forcing herself to meet Maeve’s piercing gaze. “The mission was completed successfully,” she said evenly. “We retrieved the artifact and neutralized the threats.”

Maeve’s smile didn’t falter, but her eyes glittered with something that made Y/n’s skin crawl. “Good. I expected no less.”

Lorcan said nothing, his face carved from stone, but his silence was louder than any words. It echoed in the room, in her chest, as Maeve began to speak of their next orders, her voice a cold melody weaving a new web of commands. Y/n barely heard her, her focus splintered by the man standing silently by the queen’s side, the mate who had once again chosen duty over her.

“And you,” Maeve said, her voice honeyed and venomous all at once. “I have a special task for you.”

Y/n’s spine straightened, her expression unreadable, her mask firmly in place. “Of course, my queen.”

Maeve tilted her head, a mockery of affection flickering in her eyes. “I’ve decided to send you on a mission of utmost importance. Alone.”

The room tensed. Fenrys shifted in his seat, his golden eyes flicking to Y/n with concern. Gavriel’s brows furrowed, his mouth opening as if to protest, but one glance from Maeve silenced him. Even Rowan, stoic as ever, allowed his jaw to tighten, his fingers flexing where they rested at his side.

She was never sent on a mission alone. It was always with one of the members because 1. Maeve, no matter how much she pretended, never trusted y/n and 2. The males would always manage to protest against her going alone, though it is not something she hasn't done before.

Y/n didn’t flinch. She didn’t allow even the faintest crack in her calm facade. “What would you have me do?”

Maeve’s smile widened, pleased with her composure. “There is a rebel camp in the northern cliffs. They’ve been meddling in my affairs, intercepting important supplies. I want you to dismantle them—destroy their operation entirely.”

The silence that followed was deafening. Rowan finally broke it, his voice carefully measured. “The northern cliffs are treacherous, especially this time of year.”

“Which is precisely why I’m entrusting this to her,” Maeve said smoothly, her gaze never leaving y/n. “She has proven herself capable time and time again. Haven’t you?”

Y/n inclined her head. “I’ll see it done.”

A flicker of something unreadable crossed Lorcan’s face, but he stayed silent, his broad shoulders stiff. Fenrys leaned forward, his hands gripping the armrests of his chair. “With all due respect, this is suicide. Send at least one of us with her.”

Maeve’s expression hardened, her voice cutting like a blade. “Did I ask for your opinion, Fenrys?”

He clenched his jaw, leaning back in his chair but shooting y/n a glance filled with unspoken worry. Gavriel tried next, his tone more diplomatic. “She is capable, yes, but even the most skilled warriors can be overwhelmed. Perhaps a small team would ensure success.”

Maeve’s gaze snapped to him, her smile razor-sharp. “Are you questioning my decision, lion?”

“No, my queen,” Gavriel said softly, bowing his head.

Maeve turned back to y/n, her tone almost sweet again. “I trust you will not fail me.”

“I won’t,” y/n said evenly, ignoring the tension radiating from every male in the room.

“Good,” Maeve said, stepping closer, her presence suffocating. “You leave at dawn.”

Without another word, Maeve swept out of the room, her dark gown trailing behind her like the shadow of death itself. And Lorcan behind her.

As the door closed, the room erupted.

But even through all the worries, all the scoldings, all the words said by the three males, her brothers, y/n's mind was only filled with the sense of betrayal.

He didn't even protest. Didn't even stand against Maeve. Didn't even offer to join y/n. His mate.

This has to be some cruel joke fate is playing on her.

----------

Y/n was alone, methodically packing her gear. Her hands worked quickly, though her mind was a maelstrom. She refused to dwell on the danger of the mission, on the implications of Maeve sending her alone. This was just another test, another way to prove she could survive whatever hell was thrown her way.

A knock sounded at her door. She didn’t bother turning, knowing who it was. “What do you want, Lorcan?”

The door opened without her invitation, and he stepped inside, shutting it firmly behind him. He didn’t speak at first, his dark eyes scanning her as if trying to decipher her thoughts. Finally, he said, “You shouldn’t go.”

She didn’t stop packing. “Not your decision to make.”

“It’s reckless,” he snapped, his voice low and sharp. “Maeve’s playing games, and you’re letting her.”

Y/n spun to face him, her eyes blazing. “Letting her? Did you not hear me back there? She gave me an order, Lorcan. What would you have me do, defy her?”

His silence was damning.

“Exactly,” she said bitterly, turning back to her pack. “You’d rather I die proving myself than risk questioning her.”

“That’s not fair,” he said, his voice softening, but she rounded on him.

“Fair?” she hissed, her voice shaking with anger. “What part of this is fair, Lorcan? The bond? This gods-damned oath? Maeve holding our lives in her hands? I don’t see you fighting for anything better.”

“I’m not the one running into death for her approval,” he shot back, his tone colder now, defensive.

“No,” she said quietly, the words cutting deeper because they were true. “You’re just the one standing by while she destroys us.”

He flinched as if struck, but she didn’t stop. “You chose her again, Lorcan. You always choose her.”

His jaw clenched, his hands curling into fists. “She is my queen.”

“And I’m your mate!” she yelled, the words tumbling out before she could stop them, raw and exposed. “Or does that mean nothing to you?”

For a moment, he didn’t speak. His dark eyes burned with emotion, but when he finally spoke, his voice was icy. “It doesn’t change anything. And we are not mates."

She swallowed hard, the weight of his words settling over her like a physical blow. “You really are a coward, Lorcan.”

Before he could respond, she shoved past him, her pack slung over her shoulder, and walked out the door. She didn’t look back, even when she thought she heard him whisper her name.

When she reached the stables, she mounted her horse and rode into the night, the frigid wind biting at her skin. But the cold was nothing compared to the ache in her chest, the one that reminded her she was truly, irrevocably alone.

The northern cliffs were as treacherous as y/n had anticipated. The jagged terrain, biting winds, and freezing temperatures made every step a trial. Her days were spent navigating narrow paths carved into the mountainside, her sharp eyes scanning for signs of movement. At night, she set up meager camps, always alert for threats, her weapons and magic ready for use. Sleep came in fleeting moments, her instincts honed to the dangers lurking in the shadows.

It had been five days since she left the fortress. Five days of cold, isolation, and silence. She told herself that she didn’t mind the solitude—it was better than the suffocating weight of Lorcan’s words or the betrayal she’d felt when Maeve’s command echoed through the room.

Still, the mission felt… off. She’d found no sign of the rebel camp Maeve had described. The cliffside paths, though rugged, showed no indication of regular travel, and the forests below were eerily still. It was as if the cliffs themselves were abandoned, yet Maeve had insisted that rebels were causing disruption in the area.

“She sent me here for a reason,” y/n thought bitterly, though she wasn’t sure if it was to succeed or fail.

On the sixth day, y/n stumbled upon a narrow gorge that seemed to fit the description of a potential rebel hideout. The entrance was obscured by thick overgrowth, and the cliffs loomed high above, casting long shadows over the path. She hesitated, her instincts prickling. This was the first sign of anything remotely suspicious since she’d arrived.

Cautiously, she advanced, her sword unsheathed as her senses sharpened instinctively. The air was heavy, thick with the scent of damp earth and something metallic. Blood.

She moved swiftly, keeping to the edges of the path. It led to a clearing—a small encampment, or what was left of one. The ground was littered with debris, tents torn apart, supplies scattered as if a storm had swept through. But it wasn’t a storm. The claw marks gouged into the rock told her that something—or someone—had done this.

Kneeling, she examined a broken weapon—a sword, its blade snapped in half. Blood stained the hilt, fresh enough that it hadn’t dried entirely. Her pulse quickened. She was being watched.

The sound of a snapping twig behind her made her whirl, sword raised, ready to strike—but nothing was there.

Yet, she couldn’t shake the feeling of eyes boring into her from the shadows. She forced herself to stay calm, to think. If this was a rebel camp, they wouldn’t leave it undefended. If they were gone, where had they gone? And why did the destruction look staged?

Her heart sank as realization dawned. This wasn’t a rebel camp. This was a trap.

The first arrow whistled past her ear, embedding itself into the rock behind her. She ducked instinctively, rolling into a crouch as more arrows followed, peppering the ground where she’d stood. Her claws gleamed in the dim light as she shot forward, seeking cover behind a crumbled tent.

Voices echoed through the gorge—low, guttural commands that sent chills down her spine. She couldn’t see them yet, but they were closing in.

Y/n moved quickly, her breaths steady despite the adrenaline coursing through her veins. She darted from cover to cover, her sword slicing through any obstacle in her way. The first attacker emerged—a tall man clad in dark leathers, his face obscured by a hood. He lunged at her with a blade, but she sidestepped, her dark magic aimed right at his chest. He fell with a gurgled cry.

Another came from the right, and she barely dodged the strike aimed at her side. She spun, driving her small but sharp knife into his arm and kicking him backward. But for every one she took down, two more appeared.

Soon, she was surrounded.

Y/n fought like the rebel she was, every movement precise and lethal. She used the terrain to her advantage, leaping onto rocks and darting through narrow paths. 

But there were too many.

An arrow grazed her leg, the sharp pain momentarily throwing her off balance. A sword nicked her arm, blood staining her sleeve. Her breaths came heavier now, her strength waning.

One of the attackers—a burly man with a scar down his face—stepped forward, a cruel grin spreading across his features. “The Queen sends her regards,” he sneered, raising his blade.

Y/n’s heart sank. Maeve had sent her here to die.

The realization stole the last of her resolve. She faltered, just for a second, but it was enough.

The scarred man’s fist connected with her stomach, and she doubled over, the air knocked from her lungs. Before she could recover, another blow landed against her temple, sending her sprawling to the ground.

Her vision blurred, and the world tilted as she tried to push herself up. Hands grabbed her, wrenching her arms behind her back. She struggled, but she was too weak, too drained.

A final strike—a boot slamming into her ribs—left her gasping for air. The edges of her vision darkened, her body refusing to obey her commands.

As she was dragged to her knees, she heard the scarred man chuckle. “Tie her up. The Queen wants her alive—at least for now.”

Y/n’s head lolled to the side, her strength gone. The world around her faded into darkness, the sounds of her captors’ laughter echoing in her ears.

Her last thought before unconsciousness claimed her was bitter and raw.

She sent me here to die, and I have no one left to fight for.

---------

The first week of her absence, Lorcan told himself he was being irrational. She was skilled, ruthless even, and capable of handling herself. Maeve had sent her on this mission for a reason, and despite his misgivings, he trusted y/n to see it through. He buried his worry beneath grueling training sessions and the cold edge of duty, convincing himself that she would return victorious, her sharp wit ready to cut him down the moment he dared to question her ability.

By the second week, unease began to fester. There had been no word from her—no missives sent, no whispers of success or failure. Maeve brushed off his inquiries with a dismissive wave, her cold smile tightening when he pressed. “She’s completing her task, Lorcan. You wouldn’t dare doubt her, would you?”

The third week unraveled him. He had spent every waking moment pacing the grounds, his chest constricting with an unbearable weight. Nightmares plagued him when he did manage to sleep, visions of her broken body haunting his mind. He snapped at everyone—Gavriel, Fenrys, even Rowan—driving wedges into bonds already frayed by his aloofness.

Now, a full month had passed, and there was no room left for denial.

“She’s dead,” Fenrys growled, pacing the chamber like a caged wolf. “Or worse.” His golden eyes were wild, his usually jovial demeanor replaced with simmering fury. “We all know Maeve doesn’t send anyone on a mission like this without an ulterior motive.”

Gavriel sat at the table, his head bowed, his fists clenched. “We don’t know that,” he muttered, though his tone betrayed the hope he was struggling to hold onto.

Rowan leaned against the far wall, his sharp features carved with tension. “Have you noticed Maeve hasn’t mentioned her once since she left? Not a word about the mission or her progress. That’s deliberate.”

Lorcan stood apart from them, his back to the room, staring out the window at the moonlit forest. His jaw was clenched so tightly it ached, and his nails had bitten into his palms, drawing blood.

“She’s alive,” he said at last, his voice low and trembling with suppressed rage.

Fenrys stopped pacing, glaring at him. “You don’t know that. You have no idea what she’s endured out there—alone—while you stood by and let her go.”

The accusation struck like a blade, and Lorcan whirled around, his black eyes blazing. “You think I don’t know that?” he snarled. “You think I don’t feel it every second of every gods-damned day?”

The room fell silent, the air heavy with tension.

“What are you saying?” Gavriel asked, his voice cautious.

Lorcan’s hands trembled as he raked them through his hair, his composure shattering. “She’s my mate,” he admitted, the words spilling out like poison. “She’s my mate, and I let her go. I chose Maeve over her because I was too much of a coward to—” His voice broke, and he turned away, his shoulders heaving.

The silence that followed was deafening.

“You’re telling us this now?” Rowan’s voice was cold, laced with anger. “After she’s been missing for a month?”

“I thought she’d come back,” Lorcan said hoarsely. “I thought she’d be fine. She’s strong. She’s—” His voice cracked, and he slammed a fist against the wall. “I failed her. I failed her because I didn’t want to admit what she meant to me.”

Fenrys sneered, his rage barely contained. “And now she’s out there, suffering gods know what, because of you.”

Despite their anger, the Cadre couldn’t abandon her. She was one of their own—or at least, she had been before Maeve’s manipulations twisted their loyalties.

Rowan took charge, his strategic mind cutting through the chaos. “We’ll have to do this without Maeve finding out. If she even suspects we’re undermining her, she’ll punish us all.”

“And y/n,” Gavriel added grimly.

Lorcan barely heard them, his mind consumed with images of her—alone, wounded, dying. He couldn’t let himself think she might already be dead. If she was gone, the bond would have snapped, wouldn’t it? But it hadn’t. It was still there, faint but unbroken, like a fragile thread connecting him to her.

“We’ll start at the cliffs,” Rowan continued. “That’s where she was sent. If Maeve wanted her gone, she wouldn’t make it easy to find her body—or what’s left of it.”

Fenrys shot Lorcan a glare. “You’d better hope she’s alive, or I’ll make you wish you’d died with her.”

The journey to the cliffs was brutal, the terrain unforgiving. They traveled under the cover of night, avoiding Maeve’s spies and using every ounce of their combined skill to remain undetected.

They did not rest. Not even once. And even if they did, Lorcan knew that he would leave his brothers behind to find her. He would not rest until he found her. Hopefully, alive because if not....

Lorcan did not want to think about that and the hell he would raise if that were the case.

When they reached the cliffs, the sight that greeted them confirmed their worst fears. Blood stained the ground, long since dried, and the remnants of a camp lay scattered, eerily quiet.

“She was here,” Gavriel said, his voice tight with anguish.

Lorcan knelt, his fingers brushing the bloodied earth. It felt wrong—cold and empty, as if the life had been drained from the place. His chest tightened, and the bond tugged at him, faint but insistent.

“She’s close,” he whispered, his voice trembling. “She’s still alive.”

The Cadre exchanged wary glances, but they followed him deeper into the gorge, their weapons drawn.

They found her at dawn.

She was chained to a rock in a dark cavern, her body battered and broken. Her clothes were torn, her skin marred with bruises and cuts, and her breathing was shallow. Her once-bright eyes were closed, her face pale and gaunt.

Lorcan froze, his heart shattering at the sight.

“She’s alive,” Fenrys said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Lorcan didn’t wait. He rushed to her side, his hands trembling as he broke the chains binding her. “y/n,” he murmured, his voice thick with emotion. “Please, wildling, wake up.”

Her eyelids fluttered, and for a moment, her gaze met his. There was no recognition in her eyes, only pain and exhaustion.

“I’m here,” he said, his voice breaking. “I’ve got you. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

As he cradled her broken body in his arms, the weight of his guilt crashed down on him. He had failed her in every way possible, but he wouldn’t fail her again.

“Let’s get her out of here,” Rowan said, his voice tight. “Before Maeve realizes what we’ve done.”

Lorcan nodded, his jaw set with determination. He would burn the world for her, tear it apart piece by piece if he had to.

And when Maeve found out, he would be ready.

Lorcan cradled y/n against his chest as they made their way out of the cavern, her body limp and fragile in his arms. Her shallow breathing was the only reassurance he had that she was still alive. His every instinct screamed at him to run, to put as much distance as possible between them and this gods-forsaken place, but he knew better. They weren’t safe yet.

The bond tugged at him, a faint but insistent reminder of her fragility. It was his lifeline now, urging him forward through the oppressive darkness of the cliffs.

Rowan took point, his sharp gaze scanning the shadows ahead. Gavriel brought up the rear, his sword drawn and his senses on high alert. Fenrys prowled beside Lorcan, his golden eyes flashing with barely-contained fury.

“She’s too quiet,” Fenrys muttered, his voice low and tense. “We need to move faster.”

“She’s breathing,” Lorcan snapped, though his voice wavered. “That’s all that matters right now.”

The moment they stepped out of the cavern into the pale light of dawn, the attack came.

A hail of arrows rained down from the cliffs above, forcing them to scatter. Lorcan twisted his body, shielding y/n with his own as he dove behind a jagged boulder.

“Move!” Rowan barked, his wind magic deflecting the arrows with a gust that sent them clattering harmlessly to the ground.

The enemy poured down the rocky slopes—Maeve’s minions, cloaked in shadow and armed to the teeth. Their feral grins gleamed in the dim light, their eyes alight with cruel intent.

“They know we have her!” Fenrys shouted, drawing his twin blades.

Gavriel let out a low growl, his lion-like strength cutting through the first wave of attackers. “We’ll have to fight our way out!”

Lorcan’s grip on y/n tightened as he pressed his back against the boulder, his mind racing. He couldn’t fight—not with her in his arms—but he also couldn’t let her go.

Rowan appeared at his side, his ice-blue eyes blazing. “Can you hold them off while I take her?”

“No,” Lorcan snapped. The thought of letting her out of his grasp was unbearable. “You clear the path. I’ll carry her.”

Rowan hesitated for a fraction of a second before nodding. “Stay close.”

Chaos erupted as the cadre launched themselves into the fray. Rowan’s wind and ice magic tore through the ranks of their attackers, sending bodies flying into the jagged rocks. Fenrys moved like a shadow, his blades flashing as he cut down anyone who got too close. Gavriel fought with brutal precision, his strikes swift and lethal.

But their enemies kept coming, waves of them spilling out of the cliffs like a swarm.

Lorcan’s every step was a battle. He ducked and weaved through the melee, his muscles burning from the effort of carrying y/n’s dead weight while avoiding strikes. His sword remained sheathed—his focus was entirely on her.

“Lorcan, behind you!” Fenrys shouted.

Lorcan twisted just in time to see a dagger aimed at his back. He snarled, releasing a pulse of his power that sent the attacker sprawling. The effort cost him, though—his legs trembled as he stumbled forward, the weight of y/n and his exhaustion dragging him down.

A group of Maeve’s soldiers broke through Rowan’s defenses, their eyes locked on Lorcan and y/n.

“Over my dead body,” Lorcan growled, shifting her weight slightly as he braced himself for the charge.

But before they could reach him, a silver blur streaked past—Fenrys. He leapt into the fray, his movements a deadly dance as he tore through the soldiers with savage efficiency.

“You’re slowing us down,” Fenrys barked as he dispatched the last of them.

“Shut up and fight,” Lorcan snarled back.

Rowan’s sharp whistle cut through the chaos. “Now! Move!”

The cadre regrouped, their enemies momentarily scattered. Rowan’s magic formed a protective barrier of ice and wind, giving them a few precious seconds to retreat.

“We’re not going to hold them off forever,” Gavriel warned as they sprinted toward the treeline.

“We just need to make it far enough to lose them,” Rowan said, though his tone was grim.

Lorcan’s chest burned with every breath, but he didn’t stop. Y/n’s head lolled against his shoulder, her face pale and bloodied. Hold on, he willed her silently. Just hold on.

As they reached the forest, Rowan dropped the barrier, and the group plunged into the shadows of the trees. The dense undergrowth slowed their pursuers, giving the cadre a chance to put some distance between them.

“We need to split up,” Rowan said. “Fenrys, take Gavriel and lead them away. Lorcan and I will take y/n and head for the rendezvous point.”

Fenrys opened his mouth to argue, but a single look from Rowan silenced him.

“Go,” Rowan ordered.

With a growl, Fenrys and Gavriel peeled off, drawing the enemy’s attention.

The silence that followed was deafening. Only the sound of Lorcan’s ragged breathing and the faint rustle of leaves broke the stillness as he and Rowan made their way deeper into the forest.

When they finally stopped, Lorcan sank to his knees, cradling y/n as though she might disappear if he let go.

“She’s alive,” Rowan said, though his voice was heavy with doubt. “But barely.”

Lorcan couldn’t respond. His hands trembled as he brushed a strand of blood-matted hair from her face. Guilt and rage warred within him, threatening to consume him whole.

“We’ll get her back,” Rowan said, his voice firm. “But you need to keep it together.”

Lorcan’s jaw tightened as he looked up at Rowan. “If she dies…” His voice broke, and he couldn’t finish the sentence.

“She won’t,” Rowan said, his eyes fierce. “Not if we have anything to say about it.”

Lorcan nodded, swallowing hard as he forced himself to his feet. He wouldn’t let her die. Not like this. Not when he had failed her so utterly.

And Maeve… Maeve would pay for this.

------

The first thing Y/N registered was the scent of wood smoke and herbs, mingling with the faint, earthy aroma of rain-soaked soil. The air was warm, almost stifling, and it felt heavier than it should have. Her body ached with a dull, persistent throb, as though she had been wrung out and left to dry.

She blinked against the dim light filtering through a small, cracked window, her vision swimming before settling on the modest, cramped interior of a hut. The walls were made of rough-hewn logs, the roof thatched, and a single table sat in the corner, cluttered with vials and bandages.

Where am I?

The thought was fleeting, overridden by a sudden awareness of weight—solid, grounding, and entirely foreign—pressing against her. She shifted slightly, hissing at the pull of her tender muscles, and turned her head to look down.

Her breath caught.

Lorcan.

His head was resting on her stomach, his dark hair falling in unruly strands over his face. His massive frame was hunched over, as though even in sleep, he couldn’t quite relax. One arm was draped over her waist, the other gripping the edge of the makeshift bed she lay on. His hold was tight, almost desperate, as if he feared she would vanish if he let go.

For a moment—a fleeting, fragile moment—something in her chest softened. He looked so unlike himself, so vulnerable and human, and it was a stark contrast to the cold, stoic warrior she knew.

But then it all came rushing back.

The mission. The ambush. The betrayal. His cruel words.

Her face hardened, and a sharp burst of anger surged through her. How dare he?

Without thinking, she raised her hand and swatted the back of his head.

Lorcan jolted awake instantly, his head snapping up as his body went rigid, his instincts kicking in. His hand reached for a weapon that wasn’t there, his eyes wild and dark, scanning for danger.

Then his gaze landed on her, and he froze.

“Y/N?” His voice was a hoarse whisper, raw with disbelief.

Her eyes, dull and tired, met his. “Surprised to see me alive?” she asked, her tone cutting but drained of its usual bite.

Relief flooded his features, followed quickly by a maelstrom of emotions she couldn’t decipher—shock, guilt, anger at himself, and something she wasn’t ready to name.

“You’re awake,” he murmured, as though saying it aloud would make it real.

“No thanks to you,” she muttered, shifting uncomfortably as she tried to sit up.

“Don’t,” he said quickly, his hands moving to steady her. “You’re not ready—”

“I’m fine,” she snapped, shrugging him off.

She wasn’t fine. Her body screamed in protest, and her head swam, but she forced herself upright, ignoring the way his hands hovered near her, ready to catch her if she faltered.

“Where are we?” she asked, her voice clipped.

Lorcan cleared his throat, straightening as he rubbed the back of his neck. “A healer’s hut. A friend of Fenrys’—a trusted one. It’s safe here, for now.”

“For now,” she repeated bitterly. Her gaze swept the room, noting its sparse furnishings and the faint smell of damp wood.

“You’ve been unconscious for two weeks,” Lorcan continued cautiously, as if afraid of her reaction. “We’ve been... waiting for you to wake up.”

“Two weeks,” she echoed, her tone flat. “And where are the others?”

“Rowan and Gavriel went back to ensure Maeve hasn’t caught on to our escape, or atleast somehow keep the situation stable.” he explained. “Fenrys stayed with us.”

“Of course, Fenrys did.” She exhaled sharply, leaning back against the headboard.

Lorcan flinched at her tone but didn’t argue. “I—”

“You what?” she interrupted, her eyes narrowing. “What could you possibly have to say, Lorcan?”

His jaw tightened, and for a moment, she thought he might retreat behind his usual walls. But then he surprised her.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice low and rough. “For everything.”

She didn’t respond immediately. She didn’t have the energy to yell or argue, not anymore. She just looked at him, her expression unreadable.

“You said Maeve was your queen,” she said quietly, her voice devoid of emotion. “You said you’d always choose her over me. So why are you here, Lorcan?”

He flinched as if she’d struck him. “I was wrong,” he said, his voice breaking. “I was so gods-damned wrong. And I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness—hells, I don’t even deserve to be here. But I—” He hesitated, his hands curling into fists. “I couldn’t lose you. Not like that.”

Her laugh was hollow, devoid of humor. “Congratulations, Lorcan. You didn’t lose me. But what’s left of me isn’t much, so I hope you’re satisfied.”

Her words hit him like a blow, and the guilt in his eyes deepened. “Don’t say that,” he whispered.

“Why not?” she asked, her voice rising slightly. “It’s true. I’m tired, Lorcan. I’m tired of fighting, tired of trying, tired of—” She broke off, her hands trembling as she clenched the blanket.

Lorcan dropped to his knees beside the bed, his hands hovering near hers but not quite touching. “I know I hurt you,” he said, his voice trembling. “I know I failed you. And I’ll never forgive myself for that. But please, y/n... please don’t give up. Not now. Not when you’re here, alive.”

She looked away, her jaw tight, her expression unreadable.

“I’ll fix this,” he said desperately. “I don’t know how, but I’ll fix it. I’ll keep you safe. I swear it on my life.”

“Words,” she muttered, her tone laced with exhaustion. “They’re just words, Lorcan.”

He bowed his head, his shoulders sagging under the weight of her dismissal. But he didn’t leave. He stayed there, on his knees, as though the very act of being near her was penance.

And for a long moment, neither of them spoke. The silence was heavy, oppressive, and filled with everything they couldn’t bring themselves to say.

Eventually, she lay back down, turning her face away from him. “I wish to be alone.”

He nodded, his throat working as he forced himself to his feet. “I’ll be right here,” he said softly, retreating to his chair.

She didn’t respond, and as her breathing evened out, Lorcan watched her, his heart breaking anew. He had been a fool, and now the woman who held his soul was a shadow of herself. Someone who just went through so much trauma while he sat aside and watched it happen.

His y/n was gone, the female in front of him was an empty shell.

And it was all his fault.

———————————————————————

[yannaryartside]

I adore this scene so much. I think it was the full stop on Carmy's face that really got me, the pain in his eyes. I don't think we ever see him react similarly to someone's confession of pain or struggle. Not with Richie when he talks about feeling lost, not with her sister when she talks about feeling ignored, not even when Claire discusses almost killing a patient (which, if not for her own lack of expression of sadness or regret, one could assume could be the worst day of her life)

None of these people that Carmy has known most of this life get this full stop. The way he emerges for a minute from the sea of claustrophobic chaos of is his own emotions to solely focus on Sydney's emotions. Its mesmerizing.

But also, a couple of points that make it really special

Sydney may have secrets, and Carmy is programmed to feel antagonized when someone has secrets or hidden feelings (how he reacts at subliminal attacks, how he tries to predict Donna's behavior, and how his brother hid his depression from him). Yet, Carmy doesn't assume she is keeping a secret out of resentment or malice. That speaks volumes of how he thinks about her.

Carmy had already tried to understand Sysney's relationship with her mom because Syd mostly talks about her dad, but he grew up without a dad, so he cannot relate to that. He likely wanted to know about Sydney's mom not only to bond with her but also, in this particular scene, as a reference of how to deal with Donna, maybe because he assumes Sydney's mom would be a good one. Interestingly enough, Claire mentioned her mom to Carmy once, and he never asked her about her parents again; they dated for 3 months, and I don't think he ever met them in person. If mothers is such a touchy subject for him, why is Sydney the one he talks with about that?

The narrative brushes it aside, but Sydney really tries to grasp the chaotic lore behind the Berzattos. The way Carmy tends to trauma dump really doesn't help. She is at a loss for words when she finds out about Mickey's passing, and then we have that lovely moment of her touching Mickey's note. In this scene, you can see I in her face her understanding of the severity of the situation.

and THE ONE THAT REALLY GETS ME, is that this is a parallel of this scene

remember how she made him laugh?

I LOVE THAT

They keep finding ways to make each other laugh, even when discussing impossibly difficult and painful stuff...

One of my favorite scenes, big reason, is Sydney opening up and Carmy experiencing pain for Sydney.

But another thing the scene points out is they these two are not platonic. If they are the type of friends that epitomize a platonic relationship with a work family that feels closer than a family, he would know this about Sydney. Yet, he doesn’t. Syd still holds back when it comes to Carmy.

To be fair, she held back about her mom with Marcus too. But now that it’s clear that Marcus and Sydney have a platonic relationship, there’s an ease in their getting to know one another. Currently, based on what the show has presented, we see Carmy trying to get to know Sydney, who remains reserved about her mother until she can't find a way to put her guard up.

That's the dance with these two Sydney puts her guard up Carmy tries to get to know her- how is that friendship or how is that even what Donna says in season 4? That they're closer than family family?

Maybe because we are just getting started next season on Sydney and Carmy becoming closer?

But really Why is it so difficult for them to hang out and party together? Why is Carmy so hurt by the realization that in not focusing on the restaurant, he's missing out on knowinh Sydney? If it's really about friendship, why are there so many barriers preventing it from developing?

Why is there jealousy? Distrust? The longing to trust and open up instead of just doing it? Why is it so difficult for Carmy and Sydney to talk about their deceased loved ones, unlike the conversations that Natalie and Richie have, or the ones Ebra and Tina share?

Why is it so difficult for Sydney and Carmy to have a conversation like Tina and Marcus did in season 3, episode 9, where they can truly check in with each other and exchange ideas?

It's not platonic, and as of now, I have nothing to show that for Sydney work, family - Carmy is closer to her than family.

[ghostboyhood]

i dont see enough people talking about how adam, even if he was rescued, wouldve had to sit and watch the body of zepp, the man whos head he bashed in until lawrence stopped him, decompose in front of him.. adams squeamish we know that, he gagged/puked at johns 'body', and freaked out at lawrence sawing his foot off.. and now hes forced to sit here and watch the man whos head is splayed across the floor by his own hands with no distraction

[sysig]

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