#i dont think i ever put more thought into why or how
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HABITS TO DROP WHEN GETTING YOUR LIFE TOGETHER
â CREATING UNAUTHENTIC & UNINTENTIONAL GOALS
the biggest mistakes you can make when creating goals is making goals that arenât true to you and making goals for the sake of making goals.
it can be so exciting when you decide to get your life together. I mean, of course it is! there are so many possibilities! but when you start planning, donât just write down the goals you see circulating on social media. what works for someone else may not be what works for you. donât make your goals and habits based on whatâs trending or popular in the self improvement community.
think about what you actually need for a minute. what is actually necessary? your goals and habits arenât here to be glamorous, theyâre here to help regardless of how simple or small they are. the point of thinking up new habits is to improve your life, so be intentional with your goals. what will practicing this habit or achieving this goal give you?
when youâre first starting out, your goals donât have to be anything too crazy or intense. for example, letâs say you want to become a pink pilates girl and get into fitness. you shouldnât jump right into it and say your goal is to work out for 2 hours 5 times a week. letâs consider some factors first. have you been living a completely sedentary kind of lifestyle? then try looking for exercises thatâll wake up dormant muscles. your goal should then be to repeat those exercises for how ever many times a week. then youâll work your way up from there. (itâs important we donât harm the body, so be mindful with your fitness goals.) what about your schedule? how much time can you actually give to working out? can your body even endure working out for that long?
anyways, hopefully you see what I mean. when creating goals, itâs not about having the âaestheticâ habits and goals that you may see on tiktok or tumblr. itâs about doing what is actually good for you and whatâll help you the most with where you are now in your journey. so please put some thought into your goals and where theyâll take you. creating unauthentic and unintentional habits will also mean youâll be less likely to keep practicing them after a few times. at the end of the day, that doesnât help you achieve anything and youâre left with a broken promise youâve made to yourself. which leads me to my next pointâŠ
â NOT KEEPING YOUR WORD WHEN IT COMES TO YOU
let me start off by saying thisâ if you donât even listen to yourself, why should anyone else? (harsh, ik)
a HUGE reason as to why people have no self confidence is because they donât listen to themselves or keep the promises theyâve made to themselves. if you have no self trust, how could you have any self confidence?
now, building discipline can definitely be a challenge so if you want to start somewhere easy, nip your false promises in the bud and stop yourself from making them. thatâs what I did when I was first trying to stop this habit. when my addiction to tiktok was at its peak I would always tell myself the usual âten more minutes and then Iâll stop scrolling.â when I wanted to stop making false promises, I knew I had no control or discipline so the only thing I could do is be real with myself. Iâd cut myself off when I heard myself say âfive more minutesâ because I knew it wasnât going to happen. if I wasnât going to quit my bad habit, then the least I could do is be honest with myself.
the things that you are constantly telling yourself, whether theyâre mindless or intentional, matter.
so, stop telling yourself seemingly harmless lies. unnecessary false promises that you know are false will only fill you with tension.
â SEEING FAILURE AS AN INVITATION TO GIVE UP
this applies to so many things.
you wanted to be consistent with your reading goals but havenât read a chapter in a week? dont give up. donât tell yourself that being consistent is too hard for you, that since you missed a week this habit isnât for you. make your goal a bit easier or give yourself another chance.
you wanted to spend more time doing art but itâs not turning out how you expected? dont give up. dont give yourself the title of a âbad artistâ and never pick up a pencil again. move forward, give yourself another chance.
you wanted to quit your Instagram addiction but after a couple days you went back to scrolling for hours on ig reels? Donât give up. dont tell yourself that this addiction isnât gonna go away, donât go back to the bad habit because you slipped up. give yourself another chance.
I think a lot of us (myself included) tend to give up at the first sign of failure, instead of reminding ourselves to keep going. itâd be wonderful if you could get it right on the first try. if you could read ten books a month right away after not reading a book in three years. if you could watch hours worth of tutorials and sketch the perfect portrait on the first attempt. if you could uninstall instagram for good and never feel the urge to go back. that would all be so amazing, but itâs not always the reality. expect the best from yourself and do the best you can, but also give yourself some compassion. keep in mind that you wonât always do things perfectly right away and thatâs one thousand percent okay. when you feel yourself slipping up on your brand new goal, donât end it there at the first failure. allow yourself to move forward, because the only other direction to move is backwards.
#it girl#self improvement#wonyoungism#that girl#pink#dream girl tips#dream girl life#study motivation#self concept#self confidence#self improvement tips#self care#productivity tips#it girl mentality#it girl lifestyle#dream girl#dream life#hyper feminine#self love#clean girl#pink academia#pink pilates princess#studyblr#glow up#glowing up#clean girl aesthetic#healing girl era#becoming her#healing#it girl energy
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something i dont see talked a lot about in layton fandom is that hershels a hoarder. there are multiple mentions made in in blurbs, dialogue and even cutscenes that bring up how how much of a cluttered labyrinth of papers, books & items laytons office is
we dont see his flat much but i remember a dialogue blurb from luke somewhere in the og trilogy that mentions its even worse than his office (which is a little telling bc his flat looked fine in the cutscene from when claire was still alive). itâs also said that luke is the reason his office and flat look even slightly presentable. technically a combined effort from luke & rosaâbut come the og trilogy itâs basically just luke
there could be a multitude reasons why he has this problem. personally i doubt level-5 intended it to be anything more than a character quirk of a genius, as messy spaces is a trope of that archetype. but the thing is, itâs not just messy, itâs very notably cluttered. its described as difficult to navigate through when its not cleaned up. itâs described as a labyrinth at one point. its easy to just chalk it up to a harmless quirk, but its also reasonable imo to take a more introspective route and interpret it as a byproduct of grief
in real life theres often more than one thing contributing to hoarding behaviors developing in adults but the loss of a loved one is often a big trigger of what causes the problem to become notable. grief is one word for a vast spectrum of emotions but becoming more adverse by the thought of discarding or losing things is a common psychological way to cope against the anxiety grief can cause, which can very easily add up. and it should be noted that laytons immense emotional attachment to the tophat would put him in a position where hoarding urges unfortunately thriveâemotional attachments to objects
on the bright side howeverâhoarding is very much something a person can work on. itâs not easy, nothing like this ever is, but it can be worked on. and personally i think what did it for hershel was realizing that after luke had moved, letting his spaces look the way they were previously would basically be saying that it didnt matter to him how much fussing luke did so his space could be nicerâand it very much did matter to him. so over time and with emotional support from rosa & flora he works and works on it
come new world of steam and hes not perfectâbut hes a lot better, better enough that he can recognize when things are getting bad on his own and correct it. and now when luke drops by his rental place in steam bison and has nothing to clean hes caught between pride and pacing around restlessly bc hershel just auto completed his main quest objective
#dont worry layton mutuals i havent forgotten you â here is more pl word vomit deposited lovingly into your baby bird mouths#professor layton#pl#pl nwos#hershel layton#luke triton
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@freewilllife Definitely inclined to that more.
The hairpin part has definitely put readers off for many years - I do not know if Kusanagi will ever revisit it, but I have always thought it was weird.
Yona asks herself the same question in the very first chapter -
Also, Kusanagi herself has said in an interview that Soo-won is not a two-faced person.
The specifics are indeed unclear - Was it a parting gift? Despite knowing how hurtful it would be he probably wanted to give her one last thing before their bonds are entirely severed.
Or perhaps he had already made up his mind, and the hairpin only held significance to Yona. Was that perhaps why he was surprised that she had still held on to the hairpin?
Or maybe something might have indeed happened between them that night. We see in a flash back/dream like scene where Il tells Soo-won his end will soon come to be in the hands of the reincarnation of the Crimson dragon king.
If it was a dream, why did he have such a dream?
I believe, Soo-won and Il definitely had a conversation. However, we don't know if Kusanagi will ever shed light on the details.
Additionally, context and the overarching story is quite important, because we can never take what any of the characters in the story say at face value. At least with regards to certain important plot points.
We have an example of this in the very first chapter -
Yona says Il cared for him since he was a child. Soo-won agrees as well, and says he loved Emperor Il too.
But after 200 chapters we know that this is factually incorrect. Il despised the mere sight of Soo-won ever since he was a child, and in fact did not care for him.
Soo-won did love him very much despite Il's behaviour because while he was a highly intelligent, he was still a child. Il was family to him no matter what and he desired Il's love as well. At least until the man went and stabbed his father and pushed him off a bloody cliff.
I dont remember which chapter or side novel or side story, but there is also a part where Soo-won remembers how Il only gave buns to Hak but never to him. (If anyone remembers please let me know.)
Imagine, how short of love he must've been if he still considered Il's half hearted, despising gestures as care.
There's also a side drawing I think of Soo-won being jealous of Hak getting yelled at by Elder Mun-deok. He proceeds to do the same but does not get the same . I wonder what went through his head at that time? At the end he was not real family?
Ever since Su-Won made the decision to make Yona the queen and Yona heard of it from Hak instead of him, I've been quite curious about what they'll say to one another when they finally meet face to face again. I don't know, I feel like that encounter just going to be different from all the others, intense. Because both have acknowledged her as his equal, just not directly to one another yet.
First thereâs a political side. Whether Yona wants the throne, whether Su-Won really wants to pass it down. There is also the emotional side.
Yona remained calm (though disgusted) when she commented that Su-Won was selfish, but that was still from a distance. Which is why I can't shake the thought that Yona could be absolutely livid if Su-Won actually manages to enter the chalice (especially if it's with some intention to "save" Yona and "sacrifice" himself like some fear).
If it happens, can we get a scene where she slaps his face? Tells him to snap the fuck out of it? Stop making all these selfish decisions for her? To not put her on a pedestal and be so suicidal all of a sudden? That she's not a damsel in distress who needs saving, that she'll find a way to make the dragon gods to understand? Because such a scene will actually be a good subversion of expectations. Kusanagi has done it before, so this would be a great opportunity.
I mean Yona's already said it in her mind. "Don't you dare die as you please. Rely on those around you." She even said it to Hyu-ri. She just has to actually say those words to Su-Won himself.
Yona did disappoint me in the recent chapter because she became quite literally a damsel in distress (how else are we supposed to describe her in that scene), but a hypothetical scene like this would make up for it. It would return her agency. And honestly I've been dying to see a scene where Yona just lets all the resentment out instead of constantly suppressing it for the country or because she wants to be the better person. The dragon gods said she was also selfish, so let's see that side show a bit more.
#soo-won#yona of the dawn#akatsuki no yona#su-won#su won#adults let him down#I want to give him a hug
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Redesigning my alien OCs to actually be more than just "humans with long ears and funky colors", since my art skills have been improving đ
#my art#my ocs#os: velocity#oc: vee rhodes#oc: ell rhodes#digital art#character design#alien oc#throwing this in the queue for when im in work#my main inspo was feline/primate traits? and then like lil raptor dewclaws bc claws are cool#technically if i keep ell n vee's backstory the way it is#theyre essentially from a universe where humans were like. i dunno. genetically enhanced with animal dna?#i dont think i ever put more thought into why or how#just 'theyre people w animal dna and theyre called superhumans'???#i think its gonna need some more workshopping but waugh thinking hard#just wanna draw funky humans
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Very important conferences.
#witch hat tag#orufrey#some real serious discussions goin on in this atelier today. dont u doubt it.#agott is the only one who has ever thought about this because she is a 12 year old lesbian and UMM..FRIEND? LIKE FRIEND? IS THAT..LEGAL???#this is all i drew today because silly things like this take hours lol. at least it's practice for poses -_-#i got the pattern of the girls' dresses wrong but i couldn't be bothered to change halfway through.#don't worry if you're like what is the naakiwan downs. is that name even mentioned in the main manga#ANYWAY i KEEP thinking about what if it's actually banned for professors and watchful eyes to date like that would make a lot of sense.#like maybe it should be banned. SO??? are they just low-key Aware of what the deal is and they're just Putting their feelings aside#until graduation??? take my tassel as an unspoken reminder of how i feel?? living together trial period?? this feels like it's truly it#When we're free to be together........ Sensei loves homophobia parallels without there actually being homophobia#Let's invent reasons why men cant be together. Ummm well whatever. i'm screaming in my head but it's fine.#this will probably form the theme of my orufrey for a while. i've thought of this before but for some reason today it's big for me.#i guess the tassels might not specifically be a part of that since they exchanged them before tower of books#and qifrey made his mysterious decision to be a teacher after that and..well whatever. I need more of backstory and just..everything?#But i also don't mind when vinanna interrupts my wishes with just a chapter of just being really dreamy? I love witch hat?
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this is a test
#iâm bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters thatâs actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring letâs think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk iâm not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad thatâs a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isnât all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw thereâs probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i donât#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like iâm actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much itâs crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books theyâre all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry thatâs made everything a bit messy. i shouldâve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think youâre being annoying i literally donât care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now itâs just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i donât really have any thoughts to put here idk if weâre halfway ermmmm omg itâs#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. itâs wild how itâs basically almost christmas. like#what. thatâs illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesnât crash or#smth cause iâve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but iâve saved it and holy jesus itâs a lot of text im just sat here giggling thereâs really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldnât that be crazy) so wait thereâs 140#haracters and 30 tags so whatâs 30 x 140. someone hurry. i havenât done maths lessons in two and a half years iâve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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no interest in any of my hobbies next to no concerts going on all summer feeling abandoned by the majority of the few irls I still have no idea where to meet new people to replace them now that I'm not part of the highly social hard partying sales culture I spent basically all of my post college life in anymore literally what reason is there to keep trying
#how does anyone even maintain anything in the long term like since college i dont think ive managed to hold onto a truly close relationship#for more than like 3 years so its about time even tho i never even felt i reached that level of closeness w these guys its about time they#also just move on & im the only one putting on the effort! the last time i felt like i had someone i could really call a 'best friend' they#went on vacation & ended up just actually moving away without telling me & when theyre back in town they text our other friends to ltk &#hang out with them but never me & i only ever see them at parties. similar shot for any other 'close friends' i ever thought actually cared#about me. whats wrong with me why dont people ever want to stay around why is it whenever things come up or people get busy or whatever im#never a priority to anyone everwhy is it always i put in the effoet or we dont talk ot reslly i put in the effoet until eventually we dont#talk anyways. why does it seem like even if it isnt easy for everyone else it seems like its at least POSSIBLE people will tell me oh that#happens to everyone in adulthood i feel that way too. ok sure you at least TALK to your college friends still even if you arent as close as#you used to be i have fucking nothing exvept a handful of people who just kind of care about me but where im in the periphery of their lives#i could just die & itd probably take weeks before any of my 'friends' even noticed#texticles
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looking @ old fic i started when i was 14/15 is so funny bc im realizing once again why i never mark fics as abandoned even if its been literal years since i've touched them. specifically i was checking docs for stuff i started and either did or didn't post to ffn.
and its like. nothing is bad??? like i can see where my outside-the-box ideal of fic writing comes from. not just fics but writing in general, i'm p sure. even if it's a total cliche plot setup, there are details on each that rly make it stand out like oh yeahhhhhh i did have this great idea once upon a time.
funny too bc was it executed well in prose??? no absolutely not i wrote like shit when i was 15. would i revive an idea one day and revise it to be less cliche or cringy while still keeping the stand-out elements??? yea maybe. i might. everything i'm currently working on that i started from 2021 up to now still holds my supreme interest, but like i'm not gonna say never.
esp since i write fic first and foremost for my own need and specifically what i like to read, it makes it impossible to consider an idea i've thought extensively about "not worth writing anymore". anyway not making this too long i jus found everything interesting to consider
#writing#this fic i pulled up from JUNE 2014 crazy was the old chosenshi au i was trying to write for a friend#i dont ship blue/silver and never will and thats prolly why i never finished it#but i do still like!! the idea of rocket!blue raised w silver and breaking free of tr while running the hoenn branch#no idea how i remembered bc it wasnt in the plot pts on the doc but she was gonna get sent to the battle frontier#to nab jirachi and have encounters w frontier brains and change her mind at the end of it all#hell i could go back and not make it ship fic at all - have silver be a little one-sided obsessed or#even jus like.. attached to blue as a rivalry like as a way to show her up at every turn#another fic around the same time was the old pokespe hs au where i changed all the dexholder's names for some reason#i have no idea where i was in reading spe bc i put lyra in for some reason and had the sinnoh trio even tho i never read past v2 of dp#idk if it was more gameverse or what but its so funny looking @ the ship list n seeing i had gold paired w black#bc i had manga!ss and manga!ferriswheel so was it rly speverse or was i projecting????#actually i think black was supposed to die and gold was gonna go thru this whole thing abt grieving#looking at the ship list so funny bc i never shipped gold/crys or entourageshi#and clearly i did not know the superiority of pmshi if i threw lyra in jus for silver#god but i do love (most!) of the alt names i gave them#would absolutely fuck up the ship list if i ever redid it tho#also have perfectworld tho im sure i have the most recent rewrite on pen and paper somewhere#that one i also gave up bc the idea i had for flare!sycamore was cringe along with#every time i went back to work on it enough time passed that i thought my writing sucked#i rewrote that damn thing so many times but oooooooo i still love the idea#as long as i changed the cringe parts to smth better i could still rock w most of these#that fic rly had everything... psychic!korrina. leaf/serena. sycamore hacking the secret to mega evo. lys/syc that ends in failure#bc of the ending line i will never forget > only in a perfect world could you and i be together. destined and doomed from the start#im rambling n im boutta run outta tags gimme a sec
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would it be okay if u told me why u like aokiđ/genđđđđBEEN TRYNA LIKE HIM FOR SO LONG I JUST CANTT but i love ur art so much so i still consume it otherwise lol
i liked tohru adachi in high school and tbh i think that alone is enough of an explanation for why i ended up liking aoki
#snap chats#haha see i told you last post's tags were relevant#anyway vLKVJEVLKAEJVLKJ IM CRYING ANON youre so funny. this is the funniest ask i coulda got thank you so much#i dont know why i like him either <- yes i do#fine lets get Real Talk about it#well first off all i thought he looked hot rolling out the elevator and i was playing the eng dub and i think his voice sounds hot there#and thats like. not athing that happens to me ever <- literally thought sawashiro was hot two frames into the game but anyway#i like politician characters. or characters that are in a position of power ESPECIALLY if they have to act like they dont suck balls#like i very much love the idea of the power of charisma and that type of thing not to mention the 'strategizing' as aoki puts it#that comes with politics. LIKE HE SUCKS DONT GET IT TWISTED HE SUCKS BUT //shrug emoji//#like its why i love the mine rggo stories i like seeing mine's thought process and how he uses his intelligence#smart's sexy to me idk what to tell you but moving on#its fun watching him lose his cool too ESP IN HIS FIGHT LMAO HE STOMPIN HIS FOOT LIKE A TODDLER SHUT UP#i also really love the arakawa family in general and thinking of aoki's relationship with each of them makes my brain explode#especially him and sawashiro that shit is painful to watch and i love it so much#i also thought him going from goth to republican was the funniest shit in the world like i howled at that AND i was distraught#aokis so interesting to me from the notion that he IS loved by his family but he has so much hatred for himself it eats him up#and as a result he cant be happy no matter what he does- how hes constantly seeking validation even if it's nothing meaningful#his lil. Dog-Eat-Dog world world belief to ichi also appealed to my edgy depressed high schooler brain. sorry.#his speech at the lockers also got to me. unfortunately. sorry everyone i empathized too hard it got too real it wasnt funny anymore#like as much as i complain bout the very end the ending is what solidified me liking aoki if not also cause of ichi's impact in those scene#plus... analyzing him and the environment around him is so much fun too....#idk reasons for why i like aoki also boil down to personal reasons. he still sucks tho so i cant be upset when people hate him LOL#i probably have more reasons or could elaborate more i love rambling but i mean. who really wants to read all that đđ#maybe for a character that WASNT the worst but. aoki is so LMAO#thank you for loving my art regardless :) im sorry i have to be attached to the worst guys ever
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ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think đ
#haunted ecosystem#i'll take a burst of creativity in a different form than usual than the burnout slump i've been in for a few months#<- part of why my fandom stuff has taken a smidge of a backseat#dont get me wrong i am still very excited about my fandoms im just having fun off in oc hell (affectionate)#its nice to just be able to create and not really worry about perception. and also i feel Less bad about just throwing ocs into the wringer#((blame the fact i've been REALLY interested in whump recently and i have been. fixated. on one of my characters.))#and ALSO i've been! rekindling my flame for wtds. i've been putting off thinking about it since that fic got.#nothing bad happened? but it was still very devastating that somebody who i considered a friend from that fic just. evaporated.#but i'm gonna finish that fic for him :) even if it takes a year. even if it's the one thing i finish ever. it'll be wtds.#for where its gotten me and the fact its what got me out of my shell and is the reason i trust that my writing is good!#i used to really hate rereading my work. i catch flaws that are obvious to me. but that fic. i just think about how *good* the story is#that story means. a lot to me? as a person? like the main character is not a good person. but people care about him anyway.#and there are so many little things. so many sentiments. so much that is a love letter to people who've done bad but learnt to do better#because. god knows i wasnt a good person even just a few years ago. and maybe i see myself in him a bit.#he came from a place of paranoia and fear and pain. and maybe its a good thing that i've found it difficult to write him recently.#because god. i've been HAPPY. even with the rough moments and bad days. i've been happy. i mean fuck.#my birthday's what. ten days away? god damn man. i'm going to be 18. that's an achievement.#i want to look the kid who thought it was over at half my age and tell him we fucking made it. and there are more years to come.#there's a life ahead. even if it's going to be a bitch. even if it's going to be tough. there's love in your heart and people who care and#you're going to fucking live and you're going to feel better one day. you have people to meet properly and thank and cherish.#because for every day it feel like the world's ending there are a dozen more where the sun shines just the right way through the rain#and you can't help but smile because it's just so god damn beautiful.#and fuck it. you're sick. your hands hurt and your legs don't work right. and it's tough sometimes. but you have people who understand.#you have people who honest to god love you for who you are and appreciate your company. and 18 is the first step.#you've spent half your life unlearning things and you've spent half your life relearning how to be what YOU want to be#and if you're a mediocre artist and passionate writer then you'll be fucking great at that. taking the time to learn when it strikes you.#and maybe this is for me. but its also for anybody reading it too. please god if there's one thing you take from this let it be that#somebody out there cares. *I* care. god i care. even if we've never spoken proper i care about you.#i practically have a list of everybody i see in my inbox. i love seeing familiar names show up. i.#i dont know how to neatly wrap up this tag ramble. but. i am so damn full of love it hurts sometimes. its scary to be happy but thats ok!
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Sometimes I feel like I write really... simple? Which isn't a bad thing. Just sometimes rereading my stuff feels like I'm reading a fairy tale (ignoring the actual Faerie Stories I write galore lol)
#rant#mejo writing#like. i get it? part of it is i lean toward simpler words because i want as MANY people to understand what i mean as possible#and im used to tutoring a lot of people of varying vocabulary and the simpler more understandable words the BETTER when#trying to teach math frankly. and then also when i speak in french or chinese i likewise lean toward more common words#since im more certain im expressing myself in the way i intend. whereas if i use specialized chinese words theres a higher risk i say#something i didnt mean. and in general i just notice a lot of things i got used to in french grammar i...#oddly ended up integrating into how i write english. which is absolutely bizarre to me. and tjen since reading more chinesr#ive really adapted to more SHORT sentences just focusing on making my point.#and then of course. my biggest style influences are haruki murakami and edgar allan poe.#i dont pick as perfect words as poe (unfortunately). but i like the idea of prose written as if its poetry. with thought put into#the length of sentences and SINGLE WORDS as sentences. and cut off sentences. and alliteration. to control#the reader experience and affect the impact of the prose on the emotions.#and then murakami lol. murakami??? my favorite short story he wrote is The Kangaroo Communique#which i think explains a LOT about why the fuck i write the way i do#have you ever read his stories in The Elephant Vanishes???#its like this... the ideas and words and settings are ordinary. but the experience is emotional and surreal and magical and it swallows you#inside the narrator's head.#and you truly have no idea what objective reality in the story is. only what the character narrating is Claiming to experience (and they#might be lying about themselves and whete their attention is too).#and i LOVE it. i love it i love it. it FEELS like being in my mind. so i try to write that way.#and i almost feel like when the prose is simpler words... its more like how a general person may think things#(at least how i do. with simple understandable explanation) and so its easier to suck the reader into the#narration pov's mind#and get them to feel what the character feels and notice what the charqcter avoids. and feel reality of the story#becoming as warped and unreliable as the narrator.
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Quite honestly, i think people just dont like to acknowledge how many times i have been victimized bc it doesnt work for their narrative of the Scary Bad Trans Guy With No Regard For Others And Likes To Kick Puppies And Doesnt Know Real Pain Or Trauma
#bc otherwise yall would have to feel bad about putting me through way more additional unnecessary trauma on here#and i swear its yall who believe everything my abuser says about me. you need to tell yourself its true that i did the shit they accuse me#of and theyre just this pure uwu innocent pewson who doews no wongg umu#yall dont wanna except ive been through hell bc then you gotta accept youve put me through additional unnecessary hell that only warped my#perception worse of a community i thought i was fuckin part of and accepted in but apparently tf not#like you only have yourselves to blame for that shit. for why i hate online queer spaces now.#man it would just suck so so hard for your narrative if i was actually abused as much as i say and my abusive x was actually lying about me#bc otherwise how will you pretend trans men never ever experience any issues ever?#like i dont need to look. ik im one of the main blogs yall like to target and put on blast for transandrophobia stuff bc im super fuckin#outspoken about my shit (nevermind that yall never directly confront me). i already know thats how it is bc theres ppl on here who have a#apparently deep interest in constantly hating me and trying to find reasons im wrong. so when i say something is bad they habe to act like#its good actually somehow. and ik it all roots back to my abuser. there is literally no other reason i can think of that would mame ppl#that invested in hating me unless they believe everything my ex says. so undoubtedly theres ppl in my exs spaces who believe#transandrophobia is fake men arent oppressed ever etc etc. i digress. but ik its yall who've propped this whole shit up#ik its yall who put me on blast for this first and triwled to spread it that i was one of the Big Bad Names in the transandrophobia spaces#so ik yall use me as an example. ik you tell people i lie about everything. ik you tell people i exaggerate. ik you tell people im crazy#ik you tell ppl they cant trust me or rely on me and spread all the bs my ex says about me and even spreads their abuse toward me further#by even doing that shit. yall NEED to keep believing that im the Big Bad Trans Guy that you think i am bc otherwise your whole worldview#falls tf apart. everything you've been standing on online about how trans mascs who believe in transandrophobia are bad would fall apart.#if i am really as fuckin abused and victimized as i say. suddenly you dont get to use me as the example for Bad Transandrophobia Believer#and I KNOW thats the only reason yall choose not to listen or believe us. its LITERALLY just because you're choosing a side in a personal#relationship situation. ik it has nothing to do with politics for plenty of you. you're taking a side and shitting out reasons for why you#did after the fact.#if you really care about politics n shit you should listen to ALL THE OTHER TRANS MEN TALKING ABOUT THIS#besides using one person as your example for why you shouldnt believe people who believe this is a thing.#i mean. even aside the fucking fact that its all bs. if yall dont wanna believe me. whatever. you can get traumatized by them if you want#idefc at this point. if you actually care about politics as much as you say you gotta engage w people in good faith and uh maybe try n#listen to the SWATHES of other trans guys who also talk about this shit and thinks its real.
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i wear a lot of skirts and pink and whatnot as my style has developed with me & my personality but when one of those age regression girlies latch onto me....i do not like that
#like oh....you think im one of them...bestie no im freshly 23 and im happy i made it this far i dont wanna go back#sometimes i hate being 5'2 with a small frame you have to be very careful and kinda vet everyone you interact with#idk there's a complex discussion to be had. i am someone who has went through what they fetishize and i know a lot of girls in that#community have too. so i worry a lot if if my behaviors and preferences accidentally align with that community in ways i don't realize#bc trauma will always reveal itself. idfk. when i was 20 i got in a relationship with a man who was 30 because i misheard him and thought#he was 24. i thought he was okay until we were at this giftshop and he wanted to get me something but as giftshops are super expensive#i mentioned i could fit in childrens clothes and it saves me a lot of money ($60 shoes are $30 for kids) and tbh fit my frame better#so he was âprove itâ so i did and mf said âTHATS HOTâ ??????????? BITCH#my style wasn't even feminine in the slightest at the time đ it feels like a curse to have this kind of trauma then never outgrow this body#believe me ik how trauma changes your brain but how#as a woman#can you ever be apart of that community? why do you allow this to continue and not persecute these men for existing?#you're inherently enabling it and saying its okay this happened to you and its okay that other adults can hurt other kids#when my rapist got put in prison i screamed i yelled i sang i danced my friends set off FIREWORKS for me#when he got out i cried more than i ever have. i moved STATES (not the sole rzn but nonetheless) not that i was in the one he was in prison#in anyways but i was so fucking petrified he'd find me again. its embarrassing but i started sleeping with a chastity belt again.#i made more phone calls i ever have in my life to people who have and will get their hands dirty#i understand the self hatred those girls have. i understand the girls who sleep with everyone to take some of their power back.#i even understand the girls who want to get raped if they got assaulted but it never felt like enough for the pain they're experiencing#but please stay the fuck away from me. as someone who has tried to heal and wants every man like that erased from earth.#do not give them an ounce of attention. ostracize them like they're meant to be. leave it to god for their karma they will be dealt with#reckon with your pain and make sure it never happens to anyone else. only the harmed can make the greatest teachers#tbh bro i am disgusted with myself at all that those are the kinda vibes i put out.#what are you supposed to do as a woman when feminity is equalized with infantilism? i think its tone deaf and misguided whem girls are like#i dress this way to contradict societies views!!! babes its a whole cultural issue that requires reviewing and reforming#you are not doing anything revolutionary by wearing frilly skirts and saying im not like them bc they see you and ur automatically boxed in#i dress how i want and say what i want but i know as a individual im not the beacon of a groundbreaking movement#singularily flipping society on its head. dress how you want but be aware of the connotations. you're living in this society here and now#there's consequences that may not be in your favor and youll be assumed to have values that dont align with you and it may break your heart
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'im doing great!!!' <- had to read through old messages from their [????] to remind themselves that was a legitimate thing that happened and not just a delusion
#tw for tags- allusions to kidnapping and abuse and grooming and various sentiments around that. a vent.#genuinely had myself questioning if it actually occurred or if it was all in my head like the recurring kidnap Thoughts#i dont honestly remember much that occured around that time so#retraumatise urself a little to remind yourself how fucked up that was#i put ??? because i honestly. dont know what to call him. now stalker; then? abuser? groomer?#i honestly struggle w words because i struggle to give myself the grace about what happened.#but i spent some time with [removed because they could see this + Who holds no relevance] and i just. it really clicked here#what the fuck i was a child. i look at them and i see a baby and they remind me so much of myself and i was a child#and they are older than i was!! what the fuck#i struggle to give myself the grace because i know i made a lot of mistakes and i was stupid and i knew better but also what the fuck#sorry syrry. looking at them and thinking who would ever. fucked me up#and then i started questioning if it even happened or if i made it uo#and im deeply upset now rereading all of this and theres more than i remember becuase i went looking to find something with another person#acknowledging it happened and i. i dont remember it and i dont know why i did it and hes still following me and i want him to STOP#i want to feel safe again#i want my actions as a 15 y/o to not be held against me until he dies#im fucked up#but i think i needed to say these things. to put them out into the world. i feel a little better. ill probably delete this later#nyxtalks#jesus this is a swing from my last post sorry guys#ik nobody read this far but i feel the need to say it. this is not the kind of person i want to be online
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While we're here, I just want to add an example of a good response to Harris' video.
In the first half of the video, Harris briefly mentions a creator called Lukeypoo (who now goes by Luke Stephens) who had plagiarised Harris' Bloodborne review, and his response at the time was to deny it, signal to his alt right buddies and insult Harris.
After the video came out, Luke Stephens made a post on his community page regarding it:
For those, who can't see the screenshots, it reads:
A video went up on YouTube last night that showed something I did 6 years ago in early 2017, of which I'm very ashamed. I've talked about it on stream plenty since then and try to be very open about it, but I know a lot of people haven't been watching me since 2017 or have not heard me discuss this before. I don't want to hide from my mistakes or deflect, so very plainly here's what happened:
I was just starting on YouTube and I ripped off a phenomenal video on Bloodborne. It was a fantastic video by hbomberguy and after finding it through a Reddit post I tried to take his 1.5 hour masterpiece and make my own suckier version at around 7 minutes. I copied the premise, jokes, structure, and then pretended like it was all just a coincidence that they were so similar. I was a 19 year old idiot who thought it didn't matter because "he's a bigger creator so it's fine" and "it's just the internet." When I was rightly called out for copying his video I dodged, lied, and even attacked and insulted the appearance of those holding me to account, including hbomberguy himself. I copied someone's video, in parts word-for-word, and I pretended like *I* was the victim and *they* were being unreasonable. Unbelievable. There is no question at all: I was in the wrong, fully.
Let me be very clear: I whole heartedly disown who I was back then and what I did. Politically, religiously, and even morally/ethically I was a person that I hate today. I was an extremist, a bully, a religious zealot, and above all, a prick. This event sparked a spiral in my personal life that I didn't document online, but that has led me to who I am today. Someone who tries very hard to respect my fellow creators, audience, and to uphold a high ethical standard for myself. I strive every day to be a better man for myself, my family and kids, and for the community around me. And that's why I'm writing this, because I don't think we should hide from our mistakes or pretend they didn't happen. I screwed up, big time, and I stole the hard work of an incredibly talented creator and for that I'm incredibly sorry. I was 19, hard headed, and above all arrogant and unwilling to acknowledge I had screwed up. It took a couple years after that before I could openly admit what I had actually done, and that it took that long is all the more shameful.
I don't expect a response or certainly forgiveness, but for what it's worth, I am truly sorry for everything, @hbomberguy
For the last 6 years I've been working my butt off to be someone I can be proud of being and I hope you all can see that the man I am today is not the shameful excuse of a person I was back then.
I've never watched a video or stream by Luke Stephens so I can't attest as to his content, but this is one of the best responses I've seen to any kind of accusation, and so I lean towards believing him to be a better man than he was six years.
I thinks it's important to highlight the good response/s to Harris' video, to remind ourselves that plagiarism is not such an immoral action that from which you can't redeem yourself (though in Somerton's case, I'm less sure of that) if you take accountability for your actions, and to remember that in most cases, we should give people space to grow and become better.
The swiftness and brutality of Hbomberguyâs complete evisceration of James Somertonâs career cannot be overstated.
#i saw this a few days ago and its stayed on my mind#and i havent seen many other people talk about it so i thought i would#also this is unrelated by im not gonna ever put this in an actual post so im going to use these tags to get it off my chest#i rewatched the video yesterday and it aas during harris' speech about how art is difficult and a skill#that i kinda had an epiphany i guess#(have not used that word in a while huh)#because thrice within the last few years#ive come across fics on ao3 where while i wouldnt call it plagiarism the authors did very much steal a considerable amount from my fics#some less than others#one of them used some of the exact same sentences as mine so i guess that one was plagiarism#but they all took a nontrivial amount of ideas or plotbeats or phrasings from my fics#and each time i was in three minds: 1) i found it kinda funny honestly though i cant articulate why; 2) i was flattered because i dont#really think my fics are worth stealing from; and 3) holy shit i baked one of the holy shit two cakes#i wasnt really upset by it especially because i know my work has been inspired by fics i love at times#but after rewatching harris' video#i realised it wasnt that i wasnt upset but that i wasnt allowing myself to be#because i didnt consider my work as something you could steal from? i didnt consider it worthy of that#like not as in ''oh i didnt know my art was that good'' but as in ''oh i didnt know my work was art''#so ive been allowing myself to be upset about it since then#and all those emotions are probably tangled up in the roots of the treehouse luke stephens' response is squatting in#because like#im not going to do anything about it like im not going to accuse the authors of plagiarism#even the one who stole exact sentences mostly because their writing is indicative of a 13 year old and mate im 23#ive been writing since i was 11. i know what its like to be starting out as a newbie writer it just feels mean for me to call them out#and if theyve stolen lines from me theyre going to have done it to other people and im sure theres someone else who feels more comfortable#in approaching them about it#but anyway back to my point#im not going after any of these people in anyway but if i did id want their response to be like this
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eh now that im thinking about it again i think maybe my problem with fandom is mainly just that its completely incapable of remotely understanding how any sort of interpersonal relationship works in the slightest and portrays them in the most ridiculous stupid ways not only is everyone ridiculously too emoteionally expressive and self aware and way too eager to therapise each other and discuss things in ways that no one really ever would but they also way overstate the way the characters even think about these things and then when its not the writers invented versions of the characters psycological states its always just about stupid internet subculture memes that i refuse to believe anyones even capable of finding funny or else the other way of completely misunderstanding interpersonal relationships which is making everything about romance or family structures its either throwing away all their actual relationship to just be about kissing and they love me they love me nots and honestly i reckon its actually worse when you actually ship them cause then your actually invested in their relationship and think they could actually have a romantic relationship while still resembling the actual characters relationship, at least if you dont really ship them its less annoying and you can just appreciate it as a random story. and the only other thing these people are interested in writing about tends to be totally misinterpreting the non romantic relationships as well like its hard to believe these people have ever actually had family if this is how they write them but i suppose they can at least acknowledge thats actually a valid reason to care about someone? plus the ways they always have to make non familial relationships into family like its especially ridiculous who they think has a parent and child relationship like seriously just admit your brains too small to comprehend more than too types of relationships. also they way theyll insist characters have a parent child relationship based entirely on the fact that its the kid of one of the characters they ship together i mean thats just getting obsessive not everything has to support your ship and its ridiculous to think that every kid would see their parents partner as a parent let alone the way they insist its like this with adults like ypu know they can still have a good relationship and everyone can get on great without them getting another parent when theyre literally in their twenties
#theres so many things that annoy me about fandom isnt there#my last post still stands but i reckon thats not the main thing#really theres loads of things though#but literally like its hard to believe its even like this like how do people come up with these interpretations unironically#i mean i know it feeds itself and grows on its own flesh but like still#again not my people#whatever#urgh the whole tone of this feels so flat i dont know why thats annoying#is that better than horribly pissed off at everything#i was just typing it as i thought of it its all stuff ive thought before i suppose im just recalling it to put down#its weird how weird everything is like i dont really feel anything like ever or at least not now#this doesnt even sound particularly smugly judgemental or ironically pathetically ridiculous like it probably should#i mean the ridiculous stuffy voice is still there with all the stupid bloody essay word choices and rubbish#urgh i cant be bothered to analyse my self expression and what it shows about my mental state and presentation of myself right now#even though its definitely something there about that something#though to be honest the stuffy wording randomly coming up in places is a bit of a habit whenever i use my brain even slightly for anything#i just write what comes to mind and cant be bothered to think of the wording cause apparently my brains to small to think#two thoughts at once#not exactly a surprise i only ever read fanfiction is it#it really takes up a lot less brain space and effort and its quicker and doesnt make me think etc#dont know why even non deep books are more effort
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