#do more keeps me awake at night
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I have many thoughts about the latest episode... too many to make any kind of coherent point. I’m definitely going to have to go back and rewatch the ep again, but the main things I picked up from my first watch are this.... Bobby FINALLY admitting in canon what we knew all along. Buck IS his son. Maybe not in origin, but in all the ways that matter now.
Eddie is in love with Buck. The small snippets we got in this ep spoke so much louder than other, longer interactions we got. The “DO MORE” rattles in my head constantly. Eddie is surrounded by people who have known/loved Buck for longer than he has, been through some significant traumas together, but maintain a level of composure whilst worried for their friend/son. Eddie’s reaction is that of someone who is completely and utterly in love and we can see him starting to bleed his inner thoughts out into the open. These two words have completely destroyed me.
Not to mention Eddie’s reaction when he takes Christopher to see Buck. Not being able to look at the person who’s hurt? Silently crying so not to draw attention? Book end this with the absolute JOY and RELIEF on this mans face when they visit Buck once he’s awake? That’s some next level love shit and I will stand on any hill and scream this point.
Christopher. Now aside from him speaking to Buck (yeah thanks Fox, I’ve literally burnt away the skin from my face thanks to the tears), we have the moment where he asks Buck to help find his dad. THIS is what has kept my cogs turning all night..... I was trying to think about when Chris has ever asked him to look for Eddie. I don’t think he ever has....meaning this is something NEW and it screams.
WHY does Christopher need help finding Eddie? Where is he? Why is he lost? Is it really Christopher who is trying to find something, or is it a prompt for Buck? There’s also something really off about Buck’s response. He says he’s going to feel guilty about it later. Why would he feel guilty? Buck knows he’s on a path to discover who he is and I think this episode has helped him A LOT...but there’s still more to come and I reckon Eddie (including Christopher) is the key to that. Buck isn’t ready to find Eddie yet, but when he does? I for one am very excited to see where this goes.
My FINAL thought (for now) is Margaret & Phillip. Their “redemption” arc. There was nothing about their behaviour or action that screams redemption to me. As someone who has had a traumatic childhood, I relate too hard to Buck and how he sees himself and how his mind works. So for me, this wasn’t a Buckley Parent redemption arc - this was well and truly Buck accepting HIMSELF for who he is and almost keeping himself in a (hopefully) healthy self-preservation mode. He is letting his parents into his life *just enough* to keep the peace. The conversation about the couch solidified this thought for me. As much as Buck forgives his parents of origin, he doesn’t NEED them to be happy with himself.
If you read this far...THANK YOU! It’s not often I spill my brain onto this app, but last night was too important 🖤
#911 meta#my thoughts on this wee woo show#do more keeps me awake at night#do more is the new because evan#911 fox#evan buckley my beloved#christopher diaz is too precious for this world#edmundo diaz my beloved#911 on fox#911 spoilers
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guys when they think about
#ITS SO FUCKED UP ITS SO SO FUCKED UP ASOU WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME#WHAT IS YOUR ISSUEE#i have talked about this chapter a thousanf times and i will talk about it a thousand more#its just that slap in the face at the end#“you don’t understand the way i feel either do you?”#= “don’t end your life for something as stupid as this. At least you have a reason to keep going. I don’t.”#its actively ruining my life i lay awake at night at just think about this#tw suicide
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should i sleep for a hundred million years or purposefully stop sleeping just to see what happens
#i have slept 2 hours and haven’t been able to fall asleep again for like 3 hours and i was really tired and mad abt it but now i am not#tired and not mad abt it so maybe the path i should be taking is to stop sleeping. sleeping a lot gives me little energy and i’ve been#having trouble sleeping anyway so maybe i should use this to my advantage and run my little sleep deprivation experiment that i was#originally planning to do a couple years back but then got sooo eepy sleepy that i didn’t really get far. but maybe that’s bc i wanted to#go 72 hours straight w/o sleep so i could record my response to it. i should be more subtle i think. maybe only a few hours a night#and more 30 hour waking periods. do not listen to a single thing i say ever i’m an unreliable narrator btw. i think i could trigger smth#fun to happen i:m a good age for sleep deprivation to do something fun and interesting to me and i want to play god#but i’d get kinda sad being awake all the time bc sleeping is like my number one coping mechanism. then again the pain of losing#that on top of the physical and mental consequences of sleep deprivation would be like so cool. it would pain me so much#but i find that compelling. do not listen to a single word i say i will realize this is dumb later but rn i do kinda want to think abt#running my little experiments and trying to ruin myself further. i’m such a good thing to think abt experimenting on bc i’m so affected#by things i just wish i had more force of will Does anyone want to kidnap me and keep me awake for 72 hours (i’m thinking electrocution#will be involved) and keep notes i fear i’d give up and i wouldn’t keep good enough track of things which would be so sad#obvi it would be unethical but i’m cool w that. i would also want it all on camera for review purposes. hmm i’m digging this idea. 72 hours#is not very long and i doubt there would be lasting consequences so it seems like a good idea. however i’d want to do this when i have#things to keep me busy and restricted access to places to sleep. okay i must think on this further pay no mind to what i say unless u have#suggestions like how to keep yourself from giving in bc i always have difficulty w that one
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#vent#vent post#cw negative#Seven’s Public Diary#wish i wasn’t so fucking worthless and useless and stupid and selfish and mean#i am just so goddamn sick of my own bullshit. but i never change#i’m so tired of being weighed down by my 56492 mental illnesses. i don’t like being like this#my sleep schedule is so fucked up again and im tired of this constant cycle#this constant fight and endless effort to stay on a goddamn routine#all i want for christmas is a goddamn consistent sleep schedule#i hate sleeping through the day and being up all night but it’s like my body was fucking built for that or something#i don’t like it!! i want to be an early bird who goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up before the sun rises!!! but im the exact opposite!!!!!!!#i wish i just didn’t need to sleep at all. that would be the ideal. so many problems would be solved.#no i Really wish i just had the ability to fall asleep and wake up whenever i actually Want To instead of my body calling the shots#fell asleep at 9 this morning and im so mad that i didn’t get up when i was woken up at 11#a 2hr nap would’ve been fine and i would’ve made it through the rest of the day and been able to fucking sleep again tonight#but noOOooOoOo i had to give in to the allure of my warm cozy bed and fall back asleep for 9 more goddamn hours#now once again im too awake and rested to be able to go back to sleep. but once morning rolls around im gonna be exhausted again#and i’ll either give in and attempt to take a ‘nap’ and it’ll turn into a 12hr sleep again#or i’ll have to like. walk laps around the fucking house just to keep myself awake through the day#and i’ll be super irritable as a result and make everyone around me miserable too#but everyone is already beyond fed up with my issues and behavior. rightly so i guess. so i lose either way#god there was so much stuff i was gonna/supposed to do today#i don’t know how much longer they’re gonna put up with me being such a deadbeat#you think that’d like. motivate me to get my shit together or something but no. i’m addicted to being unconscious i guess#sleep feels so fucking good. until i wake up. which is funny bc it’s all nightmares and stress dreams anyway. why do i even enjoy sleeping#i guess bc for the first few hours after waking up i experience some modicum of relief from my other mental illnesses’ symptoms#like a soft reset.#and it’s the Only thing that gets rid of my migraines so god forbid i get one of those bc then i Have to sleep regardless of the time of day#anyways! :) that’s enough whining for one vent post. time to go do something productive
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getting mental healthcare is really cool, its like asking someone to take a sledgehammer to your self-interest and then saying thank you after because it makes your life moderately easier even though you have to deal with this shit now
#red rambles#my psychiatrist wants to put me on anxiety medication to help me sleep because she thinks the issue with me sleeping and stuff is ptsd rela#related and I CANT REALLY ARGUE??? i dont think it is and as far as im concerned i dont feel anxiety at all but like I CANT REALLY ARGUE. i#keep thinking about it because to be completely honest this pisses me off more than i can express in words and ive been gnashing my teeth#about it all afternoon and like i dont think 'i have to play loud and abrasive music at night or else i jerk awake at every sound and can't#convince myself it was nothing and also have auditory hallucina#oh fuck. lmfao i forgot to mention that.#she was even talking about how auditory hallucinations are a lot more significant and i do just kind of have low grade auditory hallucinati#all the fucking time i just dont pay attention to them because i play music and ignore it. hashtag mentally healthy and sound#like im fine the last time i heard a coherent Voice telling me to coherent Do Things i was like 17 lmfao#but i sure do hear footsteps that aren't and breaking glass that isnt and indistinct human voice murmuring sounds that arent all the time#........ fucking i dont feel like emailing her to be like hi i forgot to mention this because i am so good at tuning it all out.#if its that big a deal it'll start mattering for realsies and if its not ill just let it lie until next appointment#ANYWAY THAT DOES KIND OF SOUND LIKE THE BEHAVIORS OF AN ANXIOUS PERSON. A LITTLE.#the jerking awake if there are noises and making up noises to jerk awake to bit. specifically#but also like it doesnt scare me it just makes me wake up and then i am awake and going 'what??? bhuh???' and then im mad im awake but#im not scared very often. it takes a lot. ignore that the last time i got significantly capital s scared was like two weeks ago i thought m#friend's house was on fire and they were about to go to sleep and die. thats a reasonable situation to be freaked out in#ANYWAY THIS PISSES ME OFF REALLY BAD. I DONT LIEK IT.
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S9E1 Castiel being freshly human, not understanding a thing of what's going on, fully aware that a.lot. of angels would very much like to kill him just.because meets a random angel on the street (Hael) and he's like: LET'S GO SEE THE GRAND CANYON TOGETHER, WOO-HOOO!
#do you understand what i mean?#i haven't really explained anything. just describing#but im looking fir people who understand my vision based on vibes alone#castiel#character of all time#spn s9#supernatural#spn angels#that frigging angel. im not gonna say he's the cause for heaven's eventual demise because angels do have a penchant for killing each others#but i love how he would not hesitate to kill his siblings and still asking/wanting to be one of them#and it's not a contradiction because: angels.but it does show how his connection to the heavenly host is not just about grace#when in s15 he tells dean that he and sam have each other. well. that line is fucking sad#because cas' family is the ultimate “family is hell” dysfunctional family#and i'm not 100% sure he's able to heal this trauma before he dies if i'm gonna be honest#like. who broke the connection? yes and no. more like: is the connection really broken?#cause it doesn't look like it. there's still a sort of spark of hope in castiel when it comes to angels#like he KNOWS there's nothing for him there but he still feels a tiny bit of longing that never goes away#it's heartbreaking really#i really wish the show had developed the “my grace is fading. dean” storyline#it came from nowhere and went to nowhere. it was just there to signal castiel's final self-actualization#but i mean did he really? mmmmmmh not sure about that#first and onlt thing we know is that he went back to heaven and reorganized the place. I MEAN. COME ON.#the relationship between that angel and heaven keeps me awake at night. i love it.#spn s9 is complicated
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feeling sick about ellis and marshall’s relationship again
#to me they have the classic bro relationship but underneath that they have kind of a ‘i need you way more than you need me’ thing going on#like. ellis is usually vocal about his complaints with the world when it comes to absolutely everything else but the case with marshall is#as long as he’s happy then ellis is happy. like it doesn’t matter how jealous something makes him he will gladly push it down for the sake#of not bothering marshall and just letting him be happy#tgats. how i see them#‘i do like this guy lol he’s my funny friend who i like because he makes me laugh’ and ‘i literally love you’#you know you know#pictures of them sitting in the train late at night and marshall is asleep but ellis is awake…#ellis taking off his sweater and putting it on marshall to keep him warm and doing so as silently and softly as possible as to not wake him#yeah im. feeling SICK sick about them . Again yes you heard me Again#ive felt like this about them basically since the trailer#adventure time#fionna and cake#marshall lee#ellis p#lumpy space prince
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How things are going again… update I guess? Still can’t figure out how to read more on mobile. I’m just typing this out so it can leave my head.
#nights are really hard for me#mornings are also really hard for me#I think my jobs burning me out#and I haven’t been able to sleep very well much at all#I’ve only been getting 3-5 hours if I’m lucky because my nightmares are really bad so I usually just stay awake#I mean I have to get up at 4am anyway so what’s the point#do you know how it feels to be in pain but you can’t cry because your body’s grown so used to it?#so it feels like crying because it’s Wednesday again#which I can’t justify because tommorrow is Thursday and that is your new normal#your new normal is working so hard you don’t have the time to see your dog and your cars ac is out and you spend all your money on the room#you sleep in 15 minutes away from the office you are stuck at more than 11hoirs a day#you ask your job to adjust your schedule and they say they can’t without cutting your hours and you need the money to survive#it’s too much#but feeling this way or not feeling this way won’t make a difference because the only other options will make your living situation harder#I’m so tired but I don’t have any better options right now so I have to keep waking up and working#I feel horrible spending time with me friends because I get tired after an hour and I worry that I’ve become#too flaky or something#I can’t stay up late and I’m already stressed out so I just can’t keep up with everyone and I don’t want to be a drain#I wish my heart would just stop some times#my meds stop me from hurting myself or crying or sleeping too long but these feelings always come to me when I wake up#I’m disappointed I woke up again#I don’t want to keep doing this I don’t know how long I can keep going#my body is breaking down like my car is breaking down#I don’t want to keep doing this I need more than a day off work a week I want to see my dog I don’t want to be poor but I don’t want to#wake up just to spend all day in an office getting yelled at while my coworkers come in and leave before me#I know I can do this I know I need to keep doing this I know there’s nothing better for me than this#I shouldn’t say these horrible things out loud because they’ll just wear me down faster#there’s nothing that will help me I need to help myself#this is en endurance test and I need to keep it up because if I fail I will lose so much more than I have#I wish I could cry I wish I could break down and scream but what would be the point? it won’t help it won’t fix anything m
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The hypocritical dichotomy of “I have the right to separate myself from those who have hurt me, I hold no obligation to them or to the connections we once had” and “I will hold the people who have hurt me personally accountable for the pain they have caused me and prioritize myself above their feelings” is the kind of thing that makes me want to tear my hair out and start biting people
#this is about ‘going no contact’ with family members in case you couldn’t tell#i understand that the terrible things tend to float to the surface of the internet#and garner the most attention therefore getting the most upvotes and likes and highest priority on the youtube algorithm#but every time i read or hear a story about someone cutting their parents out of their life#i literally don’t know how to respond#like on the one hand yes its importnat to keep yourself safe#and if you are in an unsafe situation you should 100% remove yourself#but don’t act like you’re not also causing damage#if you’re upset with your parent/s for causing you damage by prioritizing their feelings/needs/wants/etc over yours#then doing the same thing to them isn’t actually fixing anything#and while it does carry with it a kind of poetic justice#you are in a lot of ways continuing an unhealthy behavior pattern that’s only taken on a new face#idk man#i just#do you ever lie awake at night considering your inherent hypocrisy?#do you ever wonder what kind of impact this is going to have on not only your personal future but that of those around you?#my mom still talks to her horrendous siblings and while I genuinely wouldn’t blame her for stopping because htey’re actively harmful#I also can get behind the personal honor and maintaining your own values in keeping up connections because you value the person#even when they continue to hurt you in order to feel better about themselves#actively saying ‘you are more important to me than the hurt that you continue to cause me’ takes a lot of guts#and i know if my siblibngs and i became their targets then things would change#but the fact that she’s willing to continue to take it from them as they continue to target her?#infintely admirable imo
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not doing good. at all
#purrs#today and yesterday ive been unspeakably depressed. and no one knows what to do with me and i don’t know what to do with me. but ivs been ge#getting absolutely SHIT sleep bc of my siblings staying up late and my sisters ocd stuff which is probably part of it. I now im wide awake a#and it’s 2 and im miseravle and can’t sleep and already did sleep for 2 hours and it didn’t help and im hungry and weak#i truly don’t n kw what’s wro ng with me. i want to be happy and normal but every day i have long moments where im trying so hard not to cry#and i think most ppl would excuse themselves to go cry or take a break or like. speak up and ask for help if they’re miserable but i don’t d#do any of that. i just hold it all in until i get so tired it disappears. and then when i do snap im too miserable and ashamed to actually b#be honest about how anyone can help me which only makes me cry more. atp idk what will help. im in therapy now im about to have some time of#km eating food i like even though it’s not the healthiest ive tried resting and getting sleep and whatever. maybe im just not cut out for#any of what im doing and i just need to detach myself from reality even harder than i am already doing apparently. idk nothing im typing is#making sense i just can’t fall asleep now and im so pissed at my siblings and im pissed at my whole family for not giving a shit that im mis#miserable and easily overstimulated by noise bc i could’ve had ghe room downstairs and im still being held hostage by redacted and being#shaken awake to redacted like last night and work is killing me for the dumbest reasons. i literally cannot keep living like this#delete later
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:( i was so close to finally getting my sleep schedule fixed but for some reason my alarm didnt fucking go off so i slept a full 8 hours instead of taking a 3 hour nap. i was supposed to to to bed in like. 5 hours. not gonna happen now 😔
#this is genuinely upsetting ive been trying for a MONTH now to readjust things so im not sleeping#during the entirety of the day#bc i like have Important Shit To Do#but i simply cannot stay awake when the sun is out and i simply cannot sleep when it is dark. just end me#like genuinely about to cry. ive been needing to call the fucking office about my work program#bc they forgot to . im acruwllt too upset to words right now. but theh forgot to “something” and ive#been trying to call them for WEEKS#but no matter how many alarms i set my ass is UNCONSCIOUSS for all of their business hours.#im so fucking sick of it i was sleeping just fine at night just two months ago.#but i physically cannot stay awake for a full 16 hours#so i keep taking a nap when i mean to sleep - just sleeping like an hour and then being physically unable to sleep more#and then when i try to take a nap i just sleep for 6-8 hours no matter how many alarms i have set.#i THINK the problem is im able to turn off my alarm without waking up.#i have to solve a little puzzle to turn it off but that doesnt help :(#like it aint aeven entirelt about me bc i could sene thenoffice an email whenever.#but id prefer to do it during business hours cause i already sent one in the night and they never responded#but More Importantly#the animals keep not getting fed at all bc im asleep :((#oh and Also my stomach is fucked#bc i wasnt expecting to sleep so long so i didnt eat beforehad..... now im so hingry i feel like im gonna hu#hurl*
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perhaps an average of 3-4 hours of sleep at night is not very healthy actually
#if i slept more im sure i'd be faced with less of the Issues. the problem is i cant sleep. hate and war on planet earth#the thing is i /have/ to be doing something its excruciating to be doing nothing at night.#next best thing is daydreaming with no end which keeps me awake just as much. something something my brain works nocturnally#for me its so much easier to work after evening as compared to the morning. which is terrible considering society and all#insert an i have the same mbti as the joker joke here etc etc society is gay or whatever he said#🌙rambling
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Do you know how unnerving it is to wake up abruptly in the middle of the night finding yourself involuntarily muttering aloud “before it gets better darkness gets bigger the person that you’d take a bullet for is behind the trigger…” or “there’s a room in hotel New York City… shares our fate and deserves… pity…”
#The only waking up experience more unnerving is when you’ve been sleeping with your eyes open#Waking up without having to open your eyes is just. OOF. All around. Plus your eyes are so dried out#But it’s just everything is black and then BAM you’re awake with no like little moment of moving your eyelids to ease into the day first#It just hits you like a brick. AND YOUR EYES ARE SO DRY.#Not an intentional thing I do sometimes I just accidentally open my eyes while fully asleep my uncle does it too it runs in the family#Me & him also sleep talk a lot so you can imagine how fucking creepy that is#My dad shared a room with my uncle when they were kids & he’d come home late from baseball games#To find my uncle fully asleep but with his eyes open talking complete nonsense. And like obviously when someone’s looking at you and talkin#you immediately assume they’re talking to you. But if someone’s talking to you in the middle of the night and making zero sense#then it kinda feels like there’s a demonic possession going on or smth#These tags have less than nothing to do with the original post ignore me#I’m so tired I sure hope I keep my eyes closed the entire time I’m asleep tonight#Also hope I don’t wake up muttering fob lyrics for the third time
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ordering the other half of my suit on asos using my moms credit card and wondering if its worth the humiliation to get a skirt that id like... like i wanna try skirts n tube tops n stuff but i dont want mam to think im becoming more Girly, i would 100000% be wearing them in a 'man in a dress' fashion.... you know whatd be really funny is i promised myself id come out as trans to her before pride month ended so what if we pulled the 'i saw you clothes shopping for gendered stuff, is there something you wanted to tell me' thing except i made it like 'hello im a boy. in celebration buy me this skirt which you would love to have your daughter wear'. like im not gonna do it but could u imagine
#genuinely how i plan to do it is by email#she checks her emails at the end of every night so i figure i can send it and then immediately play dead when she comes to talk about it#like oh wha its 11pm pffft im not awake. that email was scheduled. have fun thining about it all night before u can corner me in the mornin#i will include a clause like 'i know youre gonna want to talk face to face about this but i needed to email u bcos im more articulate here'#so i figure im gonna just :grimace: my way thru a chat w her#like theres not much i wanna do except buy binders and bras so i figure ill win good son points for keeping her in the loop#which i. ardently have not been doing for the past checks watch 10 years#not any fault of her own im just untalkative#ive been slowly introducing my mentalisms to her one by one and ive the adhd appointment soon so thatll be somewhat handled#mostly i figure i cant spend the whole summer in the closet even if dad is gonna be a whole other kettle of fish#eh i mean he didnt like the beard either but like fuck if hes gonna say anything abt it
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And here I am awake again
Life goes on
#speculation nation#you can have one of the most painful and miserable nights of your life. & then you wake up and it's a new day.#and your head hurts and your bed is one cat less full#it's less miserable than after sammy. at least marginally. because i do still have tally.#but i keep expecting to hear my garble boy meowing for breakfast upon hearing me awake#he was so much more aware than sammy was right before putting him down. which kinda makes it feel worse.#he didnt have hope for a happy life. it would've been expensive and miserable. and he was Already miserable.#but that was my boy. he was awake and purring as i showered him with as much love as physically possible#so it feels like i killed him. i know there wasnt any other choice but i killed him. and he had no way to know what was happening.#he was feeling shitty. then out of nowhere i grabbed him and put him in a box where he was poked and prodded at by strangers#and then hours later i came back. he was still in a strange place but i was there. so he was purring.#and then another strange person came in. started touching him. and then that was it.#i have a reinforcement of the bad association for cat tongue sticking out. both sammy and cassy ended up with theirs out.#a cat blep is much less cute if it makes you think about how your boys looked when they died.#suffice to say. i started crying while typing these tags. thats cry number 15 i guess.#it just sucks. it really really sucks.#animal death ment/#negative/
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i have not been sleeping well at all the whole week and idk what the fuck is up with that but uhhh… i’m not vibing
#i haven’t gone to sleeep before midnight all week#which isn’t that bad but i also haven’t gone to sleep before 1 am#this week i’m falling asleep at like 3 am most days#which is objectively bad#but my brain basically goes ‘we’re kinda tired but not sleep. we are how we VERY bored’#and the need to eliminate the boredom keeps me awake#i very obviously need some goddamn dopamine bc i keep doing like dopamine seeking behaviors in the middle of the night#i’ve been picking at my skin at night so much! it’s terrible and i hate it but i can’t really control it#and if i do exercise i just get more awake#i tried the exercise to wear you down approach and it just woke me up#but i can’t NOT do something#i might try painting#insomnia
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