#ANYWAY THAT DOES KIND OF SOUND LIKE THE BEHAVIORS OF AN ANXIOUS PERSON. A LITTLE.

[bitegore]

getting mental healthcare is really cool, its like asking someone to take a sledgehammer to your self-interest and then saying thank you after because it makes your life moderately easier even though you have to deal with this shit now

[slasherrabbitmadness]

Slashers with a S/O with a form of social phobia - Gender Neutral

SFW! -Toxic behavior from Brahms-

Brahms Heelshire (Brahms is toxic)

> "Me too!" Honestly, he loves that you have social anxiety. It's messed up but let's be real, so is Brahms. To Brahms, your social anxiety means you'll never leave the Heelshire estate.

> Insists that you leave Malcolm a check and have no interaction with him. This is fine by you. With Brahms basically being your boyfriend and the only one you're comfortable around, this works out well. Malcolm always flirts with you when he stops by.

> Bad news from home? Brahms will be there, holding you and reassuring you that everything is gonna be alright. "You don't have to call back right away. Take your time...can we kiss?"

> Insists you get everything you want to be delivered. Clothes? order online. Hygiene products? You can set up a monthly subscription on Amazon. Brahms doesn't mind if you have to spend extra on this. He's old money, so it's not a problem.

> Being cooped up with Brahms puts you the most at ease. The only stressor itself is Brahms. He can be temperamental. Lashing out to get his way, it worked on his Mummy and Daddy.

> Mature enough to know when he's taken it way too far. Sees you with a hand over your chest, breathing heavily calming yourself down. He'll apologize of course. He'll do it again, especially if it means he can hold you close and kiss away your worries.

> It's Brahms, he's toxic.

Michael Myers

> Knows all about this.

> Was diagnosed with this by Loomis. And many, many other diagnoses.

> Very patient with you in public. Not embarrassed at all when you fumble your words with a cashier, slurring out a thank you to a kind stranger holding the door open for you.

> Realises he's become somewhat of a security blanket for you. Doesn't mind. He'll never admit it, but you're his security blanket.

> He loves the dates where it's just and him at home, curled up on the couch with a movie.

> Protective over you in a violent way. If you come home from work, tears in your eyes after a hard day "Coworker gave me shit today, said I wasn't picking up enough slack." Michael will give you a deadpan look and offer to kill the person. He hates when someone makes you more anxious. Hates to see your eyes glossy and brows furrowed.

> Michael wants to see you smiling, will never say it. So he shows you. When you come back home from work after having a good day, a smile on your face, he'll pepper you in kisses and give light tickles. Loves to see your smile growing even wider.

> The best at being able to detect when you'll have an anxiety attack. He was surrounded by many mentally unwell people at smiths grove so it's easy for him to catch the signs.

Vincent Sinclair

> Will always validate how you feel.

> Never questions you on it.

> If Vincent didn't have to feel the need to hide his face, he'd be out in public more. But the fact he feels deep embarrassment over his face, staying cooped up with you sounds perfect.

> The type that will find ways to relieve your stress.

> Anxious to eat dinner in front of Bo and Lester? That's fine, so is Vincent. It'll be you two in his workshop.

> Vincent's work makes him feel Anxious free. But if your work gets you anxious, then Vincent will encourage you to take a day off. It's better you mentally recharge than work yourself up even more.

> The most comforting hugs during a panic attack. He'll rock you back and forth till you've calmed down. Doesn't care how long it takes.

Billy Lenz

> Poster boy for social anxiety.

> Judging from the novel version of Billy, he feels great anguish with having to interact with others. He wants too but it's all too much on him. This is also fairly obvious from the movie Billy.

> Scared of making a phone call? so is Billy, he hates the thing. But he'll actively encourage you to make that much-needed phone call. "Come on, come on, just call. It'll be over be you know it. It's how I deal with it." He'll hold your hand while on the phone. After the call, he kisses your cheeks and rubs your noses together.

> Will gladly let you ramble on and on about what's making you anxious. Repeating yourself? Billy doesn't mind. he does the same thing after all.

> Encourages you to get outside. Will accompany you. As long as it's a nice day. Likes to see the little things from the outdoors make you happy.

Bo Sinclair

> "Social Anxiety? great, another Vincent." What an ass.

> He does care, just it's Bo. He's gonna be an ass about it. Verbally anyways.

> Gives anyone shit for making you feel anxious. Not scared to get confrontational for you.

> He'd like you to help with distracting female victims while he handles the males. But, if he's been handling them before you, he can handle them without you.

> "What do you mean you wanna take a day off? One day of not working means less pay." When you do take the day off, Bo will be there rubbing your back as you curl up into his wide chest. He gives the occasional kiss on the crown of your head.

> "I'm a little nervous, Bo." you said while shifting slightly outside the crowded restaurant. "We came all this way, might as well finish what we started."

> He takes you to a less crowded one next time.

> Genuinely smiles when he sees you handle a crowd without it getting the best of you.

> Wants you happy.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

just a like medley smoothie of jared-centered / deh thoughts

haunted by this post i saw the other day just going like “um if you’re too non confrontational stop thinking it’s b/c you’re so nice & kind, actually it’s an Issue & sounds like Someone needs to work on themselves” like first of all i think if the conclusion of your post is just “have you considered your individual responsibility??” re: anything connected to you know, the concept of mental health, yes, i think people have, & just leaving it at that is like okay not sure how that’s even theoretically helpful for the non confrontational masses who might be wondering how to do that (although great to not make up Advice just based on guesses / vibes ig. forever recall some incredible post of yore telling everyone if they had interpersonal issues that Could hurt people they just needed to isolate themselves until they were past all that...) like well i guess it helps the op celebrate their clear-eyed perspective here

anyways of course another part of it is like uh i’m sure it Could apply to Some people but do you think any & everyone who might be like, non confrontational, which is a vague concept there, has that quality b/c they are like “this is really nice of me” lol vs that people are Aware they’re like hindered in some realm here / the idea that the behavior will be received Positively isn’t in a “what a polite young man” expecting way....i.e. like pretty sure it’s more broadly relevant that Other People who are observing someone being nonconfrontational who might go “wow guess they’re just Too Nice” or whatever lol which yeah not a helpful perspective to see Anything abt what’s going on with anyone else merely in terms of whether it is convenient or inconvenient to you & read into (your idea of their) motivations & react to them accordingly, such as that people might end up “nonconfrontational” b/c of other ppl’s negative treatment first and foremost, not b/c they’re primarily chasing being seen as like this extra kind person all the time

clearly the transition to deh there was like, well, just like the interpretation of evan’s anxiety as being you know, not something Unhelpful to him & to his relationships, not something defensive / counterproductive to vulnerability & connection for him, it’s actually just that he’s obviously cinnamon roll too good too pure & thus too nice or kind to not be nobly putting everyone’s feelings before his own, is totally what’s happening here, plus he thinks sex drugs language & violence is all shocking & too much for him or whatever. 

it’s always funny b/c like i swear jared is the character who avoids confrontation / conflict the hardest, given that he does it with everyone, including evan, while evan is more willing to confront(tm) and/or hold his ground with jared than jared is back at him, but this is like, a Secret Fact & instead idk there he goes getting interpreted as someone who’s always pushing evan around b/c jared must be overly confrontational since he doesn’t seem Too Nice/Kind or anything

i mean of course it’s like F for not only flattening the characters to be paper thin but also inaccurately so lol like ah jared seems Rude to me on the surface vs evan seeming Nervous so time to just make those their One defining trait & go wild extrapolating their internality from that, evan must be too damn soft to be so anxious, jared must be callous to malicious to be so mean; vs that like, when they’re being more spontaneous / earnest, evan can be a fun rude little guy & jared can be hesitant / [fear]......like what’s next, alana Just either living for homework & overachieving b/c she’s a nerd who is fueled by it &/or a killjoy goody two shoes & all in all like, incapable of reflection / questioning anything & there’s only [self-righteousness] in there like....yeah that is probably next

like you know interpret anything however but it’s always wild with fan stuff like, so this is character appreciation motivated And working with the theme-relevant concept of like, what if these similar characters could Connect, how could that happen for them.......bit limiting & disappointing when it’s like “why are not only the characters really flat & imo inaccurate but also those ways in which they could all have a better time are not only Still imo inaccurate by extension of the weird characterization but also like, really flat and ‘here’s the one thing everyone Should Do to fix this other person, and not only that, but they absolutely just Can and Do all consistently do that thing so we can speedrun the end to problems-having’” like yeah it’d be a whole Story / more involved & ongoing thing to explore more involved & ongoing ways that people connecting / realizing helpful things about themselves & each other could go down, but it’s then one thing to go “ok a premise of this story is that they’re all already friends” and another to like, bother to go “and then evan just needs someone to go ‘there there’ as he curls into an armadillo ball & shivers for half an hour at least once a day, that’s litchrelly it” type of stuff like. are these the conclusions here lmao

naturally what with like the huge focus on connor / him Living in many explorations out here it’s like. good for him but my god lmfao sure can be pertinent to “why are we treating jared’s character like this even if “””””sympathetic””””” towards him” when they’re so often juxtaposed and like. we barely know who connor is so a shit ton of room for interpretation but i hardly think he’s things like the “i need to keep my friend stoned 24/7 otherwise he kills people” or that he’s Just Misunderstood(tm) & sure he’s this mysterious grumpy loner but Actually that’s b/c he’s the Visionary out here who’s keeping it real & doesn’t give a fuck in a righteous way that’s so perfectly helpful to say, evan, wherein he can be like “oh it was a misunderstanding & you’ve been nice to me for two days? i’ll keep jared from shoving you over & taking your lunch money forever” where suddenly connor’s whole like. outward aggression defense mechanism is now like “well if he had a weed & evan’s there to calm him down he can just be Firm & Insistent & Truth Telling actually, & jared will either fuck off forever b/c he Doesn’t Deserve Evan or else will go ‘damn connor’s right i guess :/ sowwy’” like. this is useless lmao

& i mean i’m mostly [shruggg] towards connor’s character in general personally but it sure seems like, as with All the teens here, it’s a shame to go like oh yeah you gotta tamp down his Issues / make them something else & then also determine that One nice friendship or soulmate romance with a nice boy who he can channel all his angry energy into Protecting in a beautiful soft/edgy(tm) dynamic? well that’s what can fix him.......like oh you gotta go ahead and Tone Connor Down to explore what-ifs about him not dying, & he has to have found his high school soulmate also. like yeah sure it’s a way more daunting task that ppl might not exactly feel they can explore like “how could canon connor start having a better time & more of a handle on things” but that’s....allegedly what everyone’s exploring anyways lol, so. anyways to bring it back to jared specifically & how it’s like “time to juxtapose him with connor” it’s also Something if/when jared’s the one who’s now like seen as Blatantly Out Of Line all the time whereas connor, by contrast, is like oh actually i’m minding my own business at least & not lashing out ever especially in loud / violent ways as canon demonstrates has Been a pattern, i’m chill now & stoned so i won’t kill, & that’s upping everyone’s (evan’s) standards so any & everyone can be like “damn jared, constantly being an asshole much” & jared can be like =( how do i get your approval............which is also funny re: any characters who just sagely point out jared as being Too Mean when like. do you think any of these people are even all gonna just Say That even if they think it. are characters now just gonna go around declaring to each other what their problem is, as they so totally do in canon. and do we think that having some hypothetical Problem declared to them by some peer is gonna make anyone go “oh they’re just so right, i guess.” like if we have a notion that jared going “stop throwing printers” wouldn’t be that constructive for connor, don’t think connor being like “you are coming across rudely” (actually that would be more measured & potentially helpful lol) “stop being an asshole to me on purpose obv” (which is not necessarily obv, from jared’s theoretical perspective) may not be likewise constructive re: jared never coming across as rude/hostile again. to take it back to the top like connor is more prone to Creating confrontations due to wrongly interpreting other’s perspectives/motivations, & to react to it super defensively & with like, the threat of / displays of physical violence, vs that jared as i argue & am right about is the most avoidant of confrontation in the first place, even with evan who definitely isn’t throwing shit at him with that broken arm, and jared Specifically remembers things like connor throwing printers as reasons evan should be worried about what connor might get up to. and even if jared wasn’t worried abt the tendency towards violent outbursts from a specific guy, i don’t think that jared being booed & pelted with tomatoes enough is really what he’d need to realize he has to be “nicer” either

like first of all it’s not established that jared Doesn’t expect shit he says to be taken as Just Jokes at least sometimes, as he claims to connor, like, handier for diluting them to “evan’s bully / evil bf” to “evan’s champion / soulmate” if jared’s just lying & Was after connor’s lunch money &/or to crush his soul but like. again that’s just one interpretation, & a convenient one, & how far is jared getting menacing everyone when he starts trying to pull back / recover the exchange simply b/c connor is going :l about it, and only gets more like “uh....fuck you” to bail on the exchange entirely rather than idk that apparently being his goal From The Start, so kind of implies he didn’t expect to get just this strong negative reaction in the first place....second of all, looking at this same [one canon interaction observed between jared & connor] i’m like why’s there this like fanon thing also where it’s not quite “connor either pwns jared away forever or at least does it so hard he Repents & Reforms to become worthy enough" but the bit of like, oh see the Main Problem of jared & connor's dynamic would be that they’d always be arguing / bickering, probably too much in earnest / too insultingly or whatever.....like if they were Both bickering regularly that’d probably be the Conclusion of like “actually we understand each other better / are secure in this dynamic” b/c jared’s gonna want to avoid provoking connor if that’s what Actually keeps happening b/c he comes off as rude & connor’s own issues exacerbate that, & other side of the coin being that connor can only keep blowing up at jared if he both interprets everything jared does w/as much hostility/antagonism read into jared’s intentions as possible & reacts to this by you know, blowing up or at least being threatening when jared knows he can & does do the [throw printer] types of reactions. whereas if jared can needle him on purpose b/c he knows that Won’t happen And connor can know the needling is a version of connecting with him / a friendly gesture actually, then that kind of exchange would be like, well that’s great then, vs like oh we need evan the mediator / peacekeeper to be like “noooo the violence, stop you guys ;m;” or what have you lmao

which you know. part of it can be And Is [jared doesn’t know how he’s coming across / doesn’t know that some element of “i am rude on purpose” might be a bigger deal to someone else than he means/expects], but none of that’s unilateral, nobody knows how they’re coming across exactly b/c a) who can, ever, & in all cases and b) they’re all like seventeen & struggling & the fact that their own survival is taking up so much priority / seems to require these defensive strategies is kind of like, impeding their Flexibility re: dropping some of that defensiveness when they feel they need it as much or more than ever....like as though i’m ever gonna be like “yeah the only thing that’s happening here, or the only thing that Matters about it, is that jared’s misinterpreting how his communication / connection efforts are coming across, and it Does Not Matter whether other people are in turn Misunderstanding jared / failing to communicate with Him on His Terms at all, All that matters is that jared learn how to immediately & superficially & with universal success Come Across As Nice” like hello i’m autistic are you kidding lmfao. sure have jared navigating these specific relationships he has, like that connor as an individual he knows & ever interacts with may be Especially inflexible with joshing, or be made aware of xyz factors he hasn’t learned abt already b/c again they’re all like seventeen & figuring it out re each other & themselves & everyone in general, but are you kidding if like jared just has to be put up on a podium & booed & roasted by everyone he encounters b/c they think he’s Being Too Rude, & this experience is what’s necessary to teach him to act right & finally deserve relationships / be liked by anyone. no lmao....and turn to canon where we Know evan understands what jared’s Really communicating / what his actual motivations are beyond what jared’s theoretically saying, even as jared is getting more outright antagonistic on purpose over act two and evan’s like “eh i know he wants to provoke me into an exchange abt something else but also i’m avoiding everything rn so i’ll ignore that too”....like obviously None of their approaches are like the key to their success lol but it cannot be unilateral, these interactions / dynamics / relationships can’t be unilateral.....at least not if you’re intending for these things to be like theoretically constructive / helpful for everyone involved lol. and jared like has his own tendency to just get more upset & run away lol like he would not stick around and marinate in things like “oh evan should just bravely insult him a few times” or “or connor does that” like it’s not a case of like oh, see, if you just strip jared of his bravado enough times you will chasten him into being nicer. like, that’s his defense strategy lol he’ll be freaked out & flee the situation, he wants positive attention like anyone else, he’s not just like, fueled by [say a meme] or Only saying rude shit “unfiltered” like, yes he could exercise some more discretion based on Having More Information / Knowledge he doesn’t now, but he’s trying to be perceived as funny more than trying to wrest the lunch money away from everyone (or Only b/c he’s covering up a crush / covering up not being straight either lol, see also the “really, is the only way you can conceive to interpret jared’s [discussing that shit can be gay] is ‘ah, homophobia’” post lol) like, cue the point of like Society If Evan Just Earnestly Laughed At Something Jared Said Ever llsdfj or you know, simply see Sincerely, Me, where jared’s just trying to get more attention from evan & is having a great time / being more straightforwardly cooperative once he does

and like another sidenote re: the fleeing is just like. idk funny if the idea re: a theoretical jared & connor dynamic is that any Impasse would be because of some change jared has to make whereas it’s like. probably neither of them would exactly seek each other out but jared is Just Some Asshole to connor whereas connor is Guy I Know Is Especially Volatile & Will Throw A Printer & I Hate Confrontation More Than Any Character We See to jared, like, think jared would bail / refuse to interact w/connor more so than the other way around, while connor’s out there thinking that evan is also Just Some Asshole but willing to put himself out there like hey well sorry about that anyways. and like in all of this, the whole [this character has a tendency to get violently angry] factor is one that’s gonna become most urgent if an issue arises that might make it relevant. not like people Necessarily go “wow zoe’s Mean i guess” b/c she doesn’t wanna deal with connor much at all. i mean, they do, i know they do lol. but.

anyways lot of addressing this juxtaposition here lol but yeah it’s like. “funny” when an idea is like oh jared just needs to have people consistently Reject & possibly punish his Being Mean & then he’ll have to choose to Be Nice. like none of the characters need that approach lol, who does, ever. then there’s the fact jared’s the most nonconfrontational (& apparently that means he thinks he’s being so nice....lol. it also does not mean that, actually, same as it doesn’t mean that for evan) & it’s Something to presume that like oh some harsh truth intervention Confrontation would really be the guidance he needs. & further Something to decide connor is like the mvp of realness around here to allow evan to be Soft & call jared’s rudeness bluff, but when connor does Blunt Honesty Call It Like I See It it’s good actually, or at least deserved. anyhow clearly this is “jared is a Relevant Connection with a peer who knows & loves him that evan could start actively pursuing / discovering along with jared if he chose to do so after realizing the potential there, & this is thematically relevant so Why evan just has to connect with his mom & be abstractly dateable to his ex & we call it a day, i don’t know” Central & “connor is a deh character to me, certainly” lol but like the Concept of jared & connor having a more successful dynamic would certainly be Fraught in a potentially compelling way but that’s b/c they’d Both have the hardest time getting along, between jared’s “tends to say things that come across ruder / harsher than he intends” and connor’s “tends to interpret things ruder / more hostile than intended” clashing & that jared will then bail entirely over confrontation vs connor escalating it, potentially into violent behavior....like they would both have Needed to get more of a handle on their own things / have more options/flexibility they reliably partake in &/or specifically better understand how the other operates to feel they have more control over their interactions, which can be of potential interest/relevance certainly when it’s like “hm how could these characters connect constructively w/each other” exploration time but. instead the notion that evan just Hasn’t told jared He’s Rude b/c evan is himself simply Too Nice (he’s not) or Too Nonconfrontational (maybe, and there’s sure too much of that Between the both of them rn, but jared’s still the More nonconfrontational one) but if connor steps onto the scene he can be tough & reveal The Truth that jared is simply too rude & jared Must go “smh :/ ya got me i guess” & become worthy or die

anyways it all gets away from me as zillion word text posts do but it’s like. boy i love when it feels like solid characterization with any depth is happening and when people get that jared and Anyone in theory, certainly him and evan, can one on one learn to connect more successfully w/each other, and it’s not going to be unilateral / where one person has to admit they were entirely in the wrong or that they may as well take on all the wrongness / mistakes / failures between them to keep it simple. like we don’t need to keep it That simple, which feels like enough of a tl;dr / conclusion here lmao

[dreamii-yume]

So, in the event, Rook has shown that he just carries rope with him. You may do whatever you wish with that information 👀

This was an ask from a few...weeks ago? I don’t remember exactly how long this was sitting in my inbox because I was waiting for the perfect time to answer it (//∇//)

Rook had been a very kind and helpful senior to you this year. You’ll be lying if you say that you didn’t think he was a bit strange like the others, but he has that certain charm in him that makes it difficult for you to complete look away from his direction. Besides, it got to the point where you just got used to him and even thought his actions were somehow entertaining...If you were the spectator, rather than the target that is.

Rook is a very doting person as well, you are by no means an exception to this peculiarity of his. He’ll appear when you least expected it, often startling you out of your skin just by a mere greeting alone. He would always talk to you as if he’s reciting a poem ever so often, making you think that you may or may not have completely lost his point here, it’s almost like he’s talking in a different language. He always acts like this towards you, and to everyone else as well, you could never know what he’s thinking or what he wants in the first place. Part of you just thought that he may just have been built differently than others, but then again, Rook is an elusive individual to begin with so everything could all be an act in the first place.

Long store short; you were both fascinated and terrified of this man.

But as strange and conflicting your relationship with Rook is, you still respected the guy as your senior to some extent. Say what you want about the the Pomefiore Vice Dorm Leader but you can’t deny his wide range of capabilities. When you are at a lost for things that you think you can’t do, he was the one who provided you with the advices and help that you needed during those times. Before you knew it, you had already owe him in many ways and yet, Rook had never once asked for anything in return.

“Worry not, mon petite chérie. For I am only doing of what I must.” He would say to you as an excuse, often filling you with guilt sometimes. Especially whenever he would ever so gently pat your head, chuckling to himself as he towers down upon you. “Seeing the beauty in your smile is enough to make my own heart flutter in happiness. Oui, believe me when I say that it’s that marvelous.”

Huh...So, people who accepts things like that as payment still exists in this time and age too. Forgive yourself from being too suspicious of his behavior though, you just don’t think a single smile is worth all that trouble but you guessed this was just another “agree-to-disagree” kind of situation. Who knows? The two of you did grew up in two different upbringings. Or quite literally, two different worlds.

Anyways, although you respected his choices after all this time, you thought it was just common sense to at least provide him with a simple gift in his birthday. You saw how everyone else such as Epel, Vil, and Trey were preparing their own gifts, so you don’t think he’ll be able to reject yours this time. You made your way through the Pomefiore lounge where the party was being held, but was unable to see a single glimpse of your peculiar senior around. It was a lively party and he may be busy with the other dorm residents, so you felt a bit out of place and proceeded to ask people you personally knew about his whereabouts.

“Rook? I was talking to him earlier but now, I have no idea where he went.” Vil said with a sigh as he crossed his arms. “That guy is as elusive as always, even I wouldn’t know exactly what’s running through that mind of his. It puts me in an unsettling position actually.”

“But it’s his birthday for goodness sake, he’s the main protagonist of the day. He should be the one to at least entertain the guest out here, not hiding in plain shadows, seriously.” You laughed nervously as Vil ranted in irritation, huffing by the end. He then glanced at you and soon took notice of the gift you’re holding. “If that gift is for him then, just leave it at his room. It’s unlocked, I believe. We stacked the other gifts he got earlier there too so it wouldn’t clog up the lounge.”

“O-Oh, is that so...Thank you very much.” Thus, ended your conversation with the Dorm Leader with a bow, watching as he walked away saying how Epel had been consuming way too much sugar for the night. With no more leads to follow, you chose to go with Vil’s suggestion and headed out to his room, still at a lost for where your senior could be.

It was true, the moment you spotted the room and turned the doorknob around, it easily spun open. “...Pardon my intrusion...” You slowly said as you took a peak before entering, unsure if anyone was actually inside. There was no one, just some elagant room design as expected with the Pomefiore dorm, with neat furnitures decorated all around. You could feel your own heart cry when you compare to your own dorm which trademark lies within the ghost residents.

You felt slightly anxious, it was your first time visiting his room like this so you couldn’t help but to gawk at some things you’ve never seen before. This was your chance to explore another man’s room, albeit only for a few seconds and by the looks of it, it really hits different that of Ace or Deuce. It has the exact same smell as Rook and the sense of familiarity was somehow calming, probably because you’re so used to being in close proximity with him now. His belongings were all well-organized, the books are neatly stacked on the bookshelves, along with some...questionable collection of bows and arrows stuck on the wall. You also noticed a spare hat and a single telescope lying on his desk, you could ask what it was for, but you preferred to keep the question for yourself.

You shook your head eventually, quickly but carefully prancing inside to place your gift on his desk. Finally, your quest has been conquered, although looking around, the other presents that Vil mentioned was nowhere to be found. Maybe he has them already opened and kept at a certain storage of some sort? Anyways, that wasn’t your problem now, you did what you needed to do, it was your time to bounce out of this room, feeling as if you’re invading too much of his personal privacy. Rook did told you that he never liked that in a person.

...Until, something else caught your eye.

You stopped, eyes blinking repeatedly at the slight tear in the wallpaper near his bed. There was something hidden inside, no, it doesn’t seem like it’s trying to hide at all. It was deliberately placed in a place like that for everyone to see. So, like a cat overwhelmed by curiosity, you stepped close to inspect it, even going as far as stepping on the neatly draped bed sheets of his to get a closer look.

“Eh...?” It was a mass of pictures of almost everything and everyone you can think of upon coming to this school. It was stuck inside the wall like a collection of some sort and it took you a while to actually get what all of this meant. “There’s so many pictures...Pfft...!”

You ended up laughing at yourself for feeling so tense, you honestly felt stupid for the amount of suspense you gave yourself. Of course, this was definitely something that Rook Hunt will do, what did you think it was going to be? Sure, it is creepy to think that someone is keeping tabs at everyone and everything through photography but this is just normal in this school. At least, to those who knew Rook to some extent, it’s not really a big deal nowadays, especially at this school. Anyways, you calmed your laughter down and stared back at the pictures to actually admire them as despite it all, every one of them are all well-taken.

Humming throughout your exploration, you thought it would be interesting to see if you could spot yourself in one of these photos. You looked around and at first, it was tough since you weren’t anywhere in the photos that the wallpaper could reveal but after a while you found a glimpse of your own face at the very edge. However, the tear in the wallpaper stops there so it filled you with disappointment to not be able to see the photo he took of you. “That’s a bummer...” You pouted slightly.

However, combined with overwhelming curiosity, your mischievous side couldn’t help but to come out. You peaked through the small hole inside the wallpaper and confirmed that there is more, as you expected Rook would have, just not visible from your angle. You didn’t want to damage anything but you carefully slipped your fingers in the small opening, trying to get a better look of the picture. You were mainly trying to shine light on them, just a little bit more and you could make out of its content. It got your heart pumping somehow, eager to see what kind of photo you were in.

“Bonjour~”

Screaming almost immediately due to panic and shock, you made the mistake of instinctively gripping his wallpaper tight, dragging them down completely by accident. You turned around, face flushed and clutched your chest as your heart beats so fast that it feels like it could jump out at any moment. “R-Ro-Rook-san!?” You stammered out, your butt hitting the bed while your legs shook. “W-Wha-When...!?”

Rook only gave out a chuckle as you frantically try to calm your nerves, which was nearly impossible after the stunt that he just pulled. You knew he loved doing this and to think you’d be used to it by now, but this one felt so different than the other times you were startled by him. He was so close to you with that greeting, too close in fact. Just where the hell does he keep coming from, you didn’t even hear a single sound from your surroundings. Rook stood straight before glancing over at the mess you had realized you made when his expression turned that of worry.

You were still gripping onto the ruined wallpaper at this point so, you gasped and quickly turned around, preparing for any damage you may have caused. However, at that moment, you stopped once your eyes had finally caught what kind of picture were inside those wallpapers all along.

“Aah...To think mon chére fleur herself would be the one to unravel my collection! How embarrassing~!” Rook said, placing a hand on his slowly heating up his cheeks. He bats an eye to your direction, looking all embarrassed as you stared, unblinking at his work. He soon smirked and chuckled darkly, leaning in closer to you from behind, in which you shivered at. “...But how does it look in your perspective? Aren’t they all beautiful?”

Yes, they were harmless pictures, that’s all there is supposed to be on it. But these pictures striked a nerve in you, one such that you didn’t know could cause this much wave of alarming fear in your body.

They were harmless but they were not normal in the slightest. For almost all of what the wallpaper had revealed was all about you, and only you that it makes you sick to the stomach. Everything that you remember doing in your daily routine had been taken into consideration, from a picture of you yawning as you wake up in the morning, to a picture of you sleeping peacefully at night. Pictures of you seemingly eating, walking, talking, everything that you’ve been doing is pasted on the same wall before you, all taken in such high resolution. If that wasn’t enough, even a few photos of you in the nude was in there, bathing and changing, you unconsciously wrapped your hands around yourself as goosebumps quickly formed.

Rook had literally been watching your every movements, documenting your life with a camera and capturing everything, including things that hits way too close. Deeply disturbed, your eyes tried to glance everywhere but the pictures, only to find no escape to them. Some pictures had even been tampered with before taking the shot, like that one photo where his hands shows his hands deliberately spreading your legs for the camera as you slept. You shivered, unconsciously thinking about that other one where it was your breasts that was fully out for the world to see and oh, god...That one with your sleeping face covered with a suspicious white liquid, you almost gagged at the mental image.

“...W-What is this...” You slowly looked up at Rook with fear in your eyes, trembling like a leaf as the same guy looked down upon you with a chilling smile. It was honestly too nauseating that you instinctively brought a hand to your mouth, just in case something does come out.

“Beauty, my Love.” Rook purred closer to you, his eyes brimming with desire. “Your beauty.”

He caught your chin in a gentle yet tight grip. “I had it preserve in a memory that I would forever see. Just keeping them in my mind alone was not enough.” He said, closing in on you on his bed, preventing any possible escape routes. “...For I am a greedy man.”

And with that, you found yourself in his bind, pinning you down on the bed with your hands on each side of your head. “Now...The reason why you invaded my sanctuary was...?” Rook asked but he was not expecting you to answer at all. Instead, his eyes glanced to the side, eyeing the gift you left on his desk. “...Ah, of course. Vil must’ve given you permission to hand your gift in.”

You were as stiff as a rock, too tense to even act and move. The hands on your wrists doesn’t seem too tight but a feeling in your gut screams at you to not even try if you didn’t want to get hurt. You were left gulping down your own nervousness as Rook turned back to you with the same smile. “Merci. I’ll be sure to treasure whatever you have given me.” He whispered as he leaned closer, giving you a delicate kiss on the temple in which you squeaked at. “...But nonetheless, you trespassed on someone else’s territory, petite proie. A predator’s territory, on top of that.”

“I-I’m sor-“

“Non, an apology is not what I need. Someone as beautiful as you should not make that kind face.” Rook cuts you off, before suggestively licking his lips. He sat up, confident enough to let go of your wrist, knowing fully well that you wouldn’t have the guts to push him off. He straddled above your stomach, which left you confused and wary to wonder what he was planning to do. However, looking back at him, your eyes widened in caution as he suddenly pulled out a long and thick rope, one that would certainly burn your skin if you struggle too much. Where in the hell did he... “Lift your head up high and reap what you have sowed. That is the beauty that can justify your crimes.”

“Now...” You breathe heavily as he tightened his hold on the rope, biting his lip eagerly. You can’t even imagine how much he has planned inside his head. It made you visit the terrifying possibility that he was ready for this moment from the very beginning, curiated and planned. Your heart drops at the thought, if that is really the case, then...Just how much? How much further into the future did he plan exactly? “Allow me to indulge myself to this fine opportunity you gave me, beloved Trickster.

“...A fine opportunity, indeed. Beautifully so.”

Allow Yume to flex on her non-existing French skills along with her companion, Google Translate. i sincerely apologize to any French Darlings out there yume did not attend a single French class in her life lol

Someone teach me French so I can write more things about this sexy bitch.

[aka-indulgence]

I’m back with another episode of “I talked with @llamagoddessofficial​ and now I have to write something” dsfdkglh ok here you goo

also if you have thalassophobia/fear the deep sea especially you should probably not read this, because that’s where this takes place, and there’s a bit of a scary scene where reader’s in danger so beware!

======

900m - 2955ft . . .

You watched the computer closely as you make your descent into the deep, empty waters.

You’re a researcher from the Ebott Aquatic Research Institute, and you’re currently aboard a research submersible, and you’re here to observe marine animals up close and personal. The advantage this had over robot-controlled subs was mainly visibility, and that you could react and adapt much faster.

You were excited to be granted the opportunity of something so... monumental, not just in your career, but to actually be here, in the deep sea where so few have ventured.

Now, traveling through the twilight zone... you were still excited. But you were also building with nervous energy, with not much space to move in, surrounded by darkness, and...

You’re alone.

You knew that far before your trip. The sub was designed for one person, after all.

(It had a main front “window”, shaped like a dome that provided a sort of “360 degree view”. The control table sat at the base, with you sat right behind it. It’s sides were metal and had side windows as well.)

But now that you’re here in the deep, far from any other human... from any other living being, seemingly surrounded by nothing but vast, empty waters... it’s quite the experience.

When you went down the continental slope, it looked more like the moon’s surface than anything earthly, not to mention the various creatures that passed by your lights. The bioluminescent creatures especially (you were lucky to come across a giant siphonophore on the way down) made your descent feels like you’re traveling through a portal to another world, unfamiliar to your own.

Surrounded by darkness, the only lights coming from your sub, with only the company being the sounds of the water outside, along with the little beeps the computer would make... it felt lonely, and to be honest, made you a bit nervous.

But you were still thrilled to be here, anyway.

You’ve travelled maybe for a couple of hours down here, and you were closing the distance that marked the transition from to the midnight zone. As you keep descending, you keep seeing less and less creatures. You haven’t any in over an hour by now.

950m - 3120 ft . . .

You watch the marine snow fall, and you’re feeling a bit restless from the inactivity. You’re nearing the end of your journey; after you reach the midnight zone, you’re supposed to maybe stay for 15 minutes before returning to the surface. You hope you’ll see something before having to return.

You’re just starting to wonder if you could place your elbow somewhere on top of the controls without pressing any buttons when you notice something moving around through one of the side windows of the submersible.

You immediately sit up as you lean into the window... two dots of white were floating by in the distance, and from the way it moved you know that’s not marine snow.

It’s... glowing? For a second, you think they must be eyes- only to shake your head on yourself. That can’t be it, can it? It’s probably some fish or other that had lights on its head and tail... who knows, maybe you’ve discovered a new species?

Yeah... that must be it. You try to reason with yourself, even as your heart starts to thump faster, keenly feeling like you’re being watched.

You hear the water burble and swish around you, and it sounds like... something big swimming around you.

You swallow nervously. When you keep staring at the white dots (lights?) you start to feel anxious, but you keep watching anyway. You almost jump in your seat (almost hitting your head) when you start to hear some sort of rumbling(?) coming from the outside. It was low and almost resembled some kind of old engine. Maybe it’s because you’ve been in the quiet for so long, but it felt like the sound shook you.

You try to keep your eyes on the- whatever it is out there, wary of what it actually is. Is it just you, or are those lights getting bigger? Closer? You find yourself leaning a bit away from the window, and watch as they slowly float its way above the sub, out of your view. You turn around and lean to the other window, expecting it to appear on the other side- when you see something out of the corner of your eye.

You gasp when you see a shadow slowly float its way across the lights, still a bit away from your sub. You can’t see the creature’s head, but you see... tendrils? Slowly making its way upwards to the left, before disappearing back into the darkness.

“... fuck,” You say emphatically as your brain provides you with the thought of is that a giant predator? It was attracted by your lights and is trying to figure out what you are. You might be in danger if it decides to attack.

You know it’s not very logical of you to assume that but... better safe than sorry, right?

Your eyes dart to the control panel. You turn off the engine before turning to the light switches. You flick them all off, including the internal lights, and you’re plunged into a world of darkness. 

The constant whirring of the engines shut down, and for a few moments, you only hear the sound of the water swishing around you, that rumbling sound gone.

... and then you heard a sound that resembled an otherworldly shriek(?!) before it returned back to that rumble, but this time, it resembled a growl. Your heart leapt in your chest as you look around for the creature.

You spot the white dots, and it’s definitely closer. Your breaths are shallow as you’re praying to whoever’s listening that it’s going to leave (the behavior of deep sea creatures are largely a mystery, but it looked like a predator stalking you)... widening your eyes when you see it.

A string of light appeared from what seems to be a spine(?) all the way down, and you see that it does have tentacles, dotting across it up until the tips, lighting a very dim blue (if you weren’t surrounded by pitch black darkness, you probably wouldn’t be able to see it) that fades in and out of darkness.

In this poor lighting and your human eyes, you can’t really guess what the creature is aside that it had tentacles, but if you had to guess it’s size... it was about the size of the sub? Bigger?

You don’t know how far it is from you so you don’t know exactly, but from the sounds it makes and the brief shadow you saw earlier, big is probably not far off.

You could only hear the sounds of your own breaths as you wait it out, always watching where the glow was, wondering if its getting closer or if its just the trick of your mind. Your eyes weren’t built for this...

You stare at the feeble light for what feels like hours (though it must’ve been just a few minutes at most) when you realize you can’t see it anymore. You look at the windows, and your eye widens instinctively (you’re not going to get more light by doing that). You strain to see if the creature’s still out there, and you hate how completely helpless you feel because you swear you could see shadows just beyond the window, but you don’t know if you’re actually see something or it’s just your brain trying to make sense of the complete darkness.

Maybe it’s gone...?

You feel your whole body flinch when you see a blink of light nearby, and when you turn you see it’s your depth gauge.

1000 m - 3280 ft . . .

The midnight zone.

The glow of the numbers, resembling a digital clock seems like the brightest thing you’ve ever seen as you lean in to it. You turn your head up towards the main dome-window of the sub...

This time jumping when you see the two definitely lights looking back at you, closer than ever before. It was stationary now, and you realize those ARE eyes when you see a wide, gleeful grin appear just below it.

Suddenly, you see how the creature comes back to light- this time much, much brighter than before. It shoots like lightning, flashing from its spine down to its tentacles- which you realize were completely enveloping your submersible.

It’s suckers made rings of light on the windows and were squirming all over, and you scream when you followed them back to its owner.

It really was a skeleton- ribcage, arms and all. It (he?) almost looks like a human skeleton, except that his skull was much rounder, his jaws were fused, practically all of his bones were thicker than any skeleton model you’ve seen, and his hands were fused to make palm-like shapes.

And they were pressed right onto the window in front of you. 

That clicking, rumbling sound started up again, and this time it actually shook you, coming from his skeletal part. You see how his expression changes into something dreamy as he tilts its skull and his eyelights settle on you. His cry starts to sound lighter, joyfully(?), as if he was happy to see you.

He closes his hand around the window and you see his tentacles (each about as thick as your torso!) waving from somewhere a human pelvis is supposed to be. You look back up to the skeleton when you hear a whine coming from him, a distressed look now taking his face as his fingers curl into fists in front of you and his tentacles look even more restless.

You lean away, into your seat. There’s this look of... want on his face, obsessively looking at you. Your heart sinks into your stomach when his face turns into something dark... angry... another frustrated cry coming out of him when he looks around you, and he tries to sink his fingers into the window.

You’re confused as to what he’s doing when you hear the metal around you groan under a pressure- a pressure he’s applying.

This sub was made to withstand extreme pressures, and he was able to to put it under stress.

And it looks like he’s trying to crack it open like an egg.

Adrenaline pumps through you and you throw your hands onto the control panel- if he can do that, now you’re in real danger! - and you turn the engine and lights back to life and take the lever for stirring the submersible, pulling it as hard as you can backwards.

You hear the engine rev and eventually whirring that sounds more like a drill than it does a propeller, and the sub starts to move back as the creature’s tentacles slip away from the windows.

The skeleton(-deep sea octopus?)’s sockets widen and a scowl appears on his face as it’s tentacles snap towards you, catching you back in its slimy hold- and in horror, you watch and feel as he tugs your whole sub towards him. This time you could see the muscles becoming taught all around you, his tentacles glowing almost angrily as he redoubles his efforts to crush your sub. He was snarling now, eyelights mere pinpricks, baring his teeth at you (or the sub?), the joints of his phalanges raised as he tries to break inside.

An alarm surprised another cry out of you, the warning symbol flashing on your computer’s screen. You didn’t have to read it to know what was happening- there was a dangerous amount of pressure around your vessel, and you have to do something.

Panic takes over you as the lights flash and you hear the metal groan and squeak even more, and even with the engine at full power, you can’t escape the monster’s clutches.

You turn into a ball, your vision blurring (with tears?).

Is this where I’m going to die? You sob. At least I got to do something I’ve always wanted to do... You laugh almost hysterically, hugging your knees, covering your head. You start to cry, sobbing and sniffling as the lights blink around you again.

It’s the end...

...

......

...........

... The sound stopped.

You sniffle for a little longer, your eyes feel dry from the sudden burst of tears, and then you dare yourself to look out from your arms.

... the creature is still in front of you, but he looks significantly calmer. His entire body looks like its gone lax, and there was this look of... surprise? On his face. His sockets were wide but so were his eyelights, and his fingers don’t look like they’re clawing at your window any longer. He locks eyes with you, and you feel like he’s looking deep inside you, and you can’t look away.

... slowly... he blinks, and his sockets are relaxed now. He’s not smiling, his teeth neutral, and you wonder what he’s doing now when you hear a sort of shhk noise coming from all around you. You realize he’s released his tentacles from the submersible, and is now floating in the middle of your lights.

He gives you one last look before he twists, and almost in the blink of an eye, he’s returned into the darkness, his bioluminescent lights becoming dim until you can’t see it anymore.

Your heart is still hammering in your chest, and at the back of your mind you note that panting and gasping like this probably isn’t doing your oxygen supply wonders.

The alarm is still sounding, and you see its warning you about minor damages to the sub and dwindling air supply. Thankfully, you still had quite the surplus for going back to the surface.

Considering the... events that just transpired, you decide its best to cut the trip short and return to the surface.

You think it might be the fastest ascent you’ve ever made.

----

You return to the surface without any further excitement, and your crew is surprised from how fast you returned to the surface. Thankfully, no one blames you for the short journey when they see the apparent dents in the submersible. You walk off the mothership and onto the dock tired, and you tell the others that you think you’ll be taking a break from using the sub for a while. You don’t want to look like a complete coward in front of them, and you hope you’ll be able to go again... so you tell them you’ll go again sometime, just not in the near future.

... it’s probably for the best, anyway.

You had no way of knowing, but a shadow had been following you through your whole trip back to the surface.

He’s never been to the surface before, and the world he sees is just as alien to him as his world was to you.

But he didn’t pay attention to that.

He stayed underwater, but he got a view of you, walking back off the dock, beautiful, lovely...

He hopes it won’t be the last of his encounters with you.

[puckyess]

Gold-digger | Dylan Holloway

In a perfect world, all of my boys win gold

Words: 4K

It was surreal how you could sense his presence. You went from anxious excitement to a feeling of warmth, all within one breath. You watched from a distance as his frame cleared the tunneled gateway. An outsider may have pegged him as an athlete, heading back to school, with the way his broad shoulders filled out that red maple leaf hoodie and thighs that looked thick even in his grey sweatpants. They would have no idea that the boy who was ducking his head was a World Junior Champion. 

His head lifts, features set into a frown as he searches the busy airport for you. When his eyes finally catch yours watching him, he breaks out into that goofy grin that you love so much. You let him make his way to you even though you want nothing more than to run to him, simply because you find it adorable that he clearly double times it to get to you. His arms engulf you and you swear he feels stronger than when he left 54 days ago. He lifts you off your feet, crushing you into his chest and yet it’s still not close enough. The act is softened when his hand comes up to cup the back of your head and he buries his face into your hair. A word hasn’t been said between the two of you but it doesn't have to because this moment says it all. 

He exhales as he sets you on your feet again, the smile still on his face though it’s softer now. “I’ve missed you”.

Your arms still wrapped around his waist you pull back just the slightest to look up and reciprocate the sentiment. “You’re not allowed to leave me again, like ever”, you inform him. 

He chuckles and his finger finds his way under your chin so that he can do what he’s been thinking about for months. “You have yourself a deal” he mumbles before smashing his lips against yours. He’s never been one for PDA, always remaining lowkey and content with keeping things private. So this takes you by surprise, it’s way more heated than he’s ever been with you in public and you’re not complaining one bit. 

It doesn’t take more than a second for you to give into his lips, letting his tongue slide into your mouth. Your arms come up to snake around his neck, pulling him down to you. He has one hand on the small of your back, supporting you both as he leans into you, the other finds its way to the back of your neck, trying to leverage you even closer to him to deepen the kiss. All of the emotion of the past two months is evident in the way you both pour yourselves into each other. 

When you just about moan into his mouth, you have to pull away. You know what you must look like when you see the way his eyes are blown. His lips are well kissed and still parted and his cheeks are the color of his sweatshirt. He looks both stunned and perfectly pleased, a smirk creeping its way onto his face. 

“Welcome home, baby”, you greet him, holding his hands as you raise up on your tiptoes to give him one last, much more innocent kiss before grabbing one of his bags. 

“Let’s go home”. Your heart flutters at his use of the word “home”. You know exactly where he’s referring to and love that your home has become his too. His dimple pops as he throws that sweet smile your way. He picks up his other bag and slings an arm around your shoulders, tucking you into his side. 

. 

As you make your way through the airport he pulls you closer and places a kiss on the top of your head. “Thank you for picking me up. I really missed you” he breathes out. 

Suddenly you stop in your tracks, almost taking yourself out as your fridge of a boyfriend keeps his arm looped around your shoulders as he continues moving forward. He turns around startled. 

In all of the excitement of having your baby back in your arms and that kiss knocking you off of your feet you had completely forgotten, but now that you remembered you could barely contain your excitement. “Don’t you have something you want to show me? Like, I don't know...maybe something shiny?” you tease. 

He suddenly looks bashful, his face turning as red as it was after he very publicly marked his territory moments ago. 

“Come on, D, let me see that gold medal of yours” you squeal. 

He pulls you and his bags off to the side so that you’re not in the way and then his hand ducks into the collar of his sweatshirt and comes back out with a beautiful gold medal. 

Awe is the only word Dylan can think of to describe you when he finally shows it to you. Your eyes are wide and your perfect lips are formed into a little “o” as you take it all in, the little skater ensignia, the perfect roundness of the medallion, the weight of what it all meant. And then you’re grinning at him with glassy eyes. 

He looks so proud watching you take in what is one of his greatest accomplishments so far. But his pride doesn’t even compare to how proud you are of him for working to get to where he is and battling adversity for that medal. You know how much it meant to him to be on the team in the first place, to represent his country, but to actually be part of bringing home the gold brought about a whole slew of emotions for you. 

He was a champion and he was yours. 

“So what do you think?” He finally asks you, sliding the ribbon around your neck. 

“I think you make me the proudest girlfriend in the whole world.”

—

Once you get to your car you throw his bags in your trunk. He walks to the passenger side and opens your door and you smile to yourself, not believing how much you missed such a mundane action. He leans in for yet another kiss before shutting your door and sliding into his side. Immediately his right hand finds yours and he brings it up to his lips to kiss, releasing your hand only to do that really hot thing that guys do when they back a car up and then his grip is in yours all over again. 

With the music playing softly in the background and your sunshine back in the car with you it’s like you’re in your own little bubble with him, the good kind this time. You know he feels the same way because he’s much more talkative than back in the airport, in fact there’s hardly a second where the car isn’t filled with his voice. It’s a sound that you’d missed more than you thought your heart would allow and you were more than grateful to have it back. His smile is contagious, as always, but today especially. With every glance your way, his grin accompanies it. He gushes about his journey to the gold medal that was now hanging around your neck. 

You make him start from the beginning, how he felt when he first boarded his flight back to his home providence. He admitted how nervous he was since at that point, he was unsure if he would make the team and he knew it was his last chance for that honor. He told you of all things he did to keep himself motivated and hopeful while he quarantined, twice, even though he knew the other guys were out there playing and earning their spots with every minute he wasn’t able to be on the ice. When he says that your daily calls and check-ins were one of those things, you give his hand a squeeze that matches the one your heart does in your chest. He tells you all about the guys, doing his best to describe their personalities and special moments that they shared while in that bubble together. 

He indulges your every question, like the best round of 20 questions you’ve ever played in your life. He shares the lows of losing his captain right off the bat to the highs of the calm feeling of the locker room right before that final game. He makes you feel like you were right there by his side. 

You don’t want this little moment to end as he pulls into the parking garage and apparently neither does he because he doesn’t make a move to get out of the car. So you continue your attack and ask him what he thought he was doing, looking that good in all of those suits.

--

When you finally get up to go to the bathroom, Dylan starts to follow you and you have to put your hand on his chest to shove him back on the couch. “I can pee by myself, D, thank you” you laugh. Since the minute you walked through the door, no, the minute you got out of the car he had not left your side. 

He looks so sad for a moment and you almost change your mind until you snap back to reality with how ridiculous that would be. “I’ll just be right across the room” you assure him, pointing to the bathroom that was literally across the living room. 

“At least leave the door open”, he grumbles.

You roll your eyes, but give him a quick kiss anyway. “You’re so weird, Dylan”, but you do as he requests anyway and he starts a full on conversation with you as you go about your business. 

You emerge from the bathroom and head for the kitchen instead of your spot in his arms. When you don’t hear him complain, you turn and look at your boyfriend in alarm, “Are you not going to ask me where I’m going?” you tease him. 

He looks guilty like he actually messed up and should’ve asked and you laugh. “You’ve been my shadow for days now, I think this is the first time you’ve actually let me out of your sight”.

The only word that could be used to describe his behavior lately is clingy. You weren’t complaining of course after not having access to your boyfriend in so long, but it was kind of comical how much attention he required. He would follow you everywhere, and demanded to be touching you constantly. Whether it was holding your hand to go get a water bottle or moving your feet onto his lap on the couch to watch a show, he had to be connected to you. If you got up for any reason he would question you, like a lost puppy until he knew what you were up to. 

He blushes at your observation, but he doesn't deny it. “That’s the longest we’ve been apart since we met, I guess I’m just readjusting”.

“I didn’t say I didn’t like it” you tell him as you crawl back into your spot in his arms after retrieving your drink. “I missed you too”.

--

The next few days you get reacquainted with each other, falling back into your routines and of course pressing each other’s buttons. 

“Stop glaring at me, you asked for this. Literally, if I remember correctly” Dylan points out. 

His comment only makes you furrow your brows even more, your glare deepening as you stare at your god of a boyfriend. There he lay on the couch, sprawled out in all of his golden glory. His blonde hair was perfectly tousled, loose strands dancing across his forehead as he shook his head at you. He was wearing your favorite sweats, the ones that sat low on his hips and hugged his ass just right and to taunt you even more, he was shirtless. But that wasn’t even the best part. The ribbon around his neck, the gold medallion laying against his skin was something you couldn’t tear your eyes away from. 

You had a paper to write and his appearance was not helping you get anything done. “Well when I told you to wear it around this morning, I didn’t know you’d look like that” you grumble, still unable to look away.

His laughter bounces through the room at your apparent distaste. “You have to wear the medal, Dylan. No, don’t put a shirt on, I like you just like that.” he mimics you from this morning in a high pitched voice. You don’t know what it was about that gold medal, but it turned you on and he knew it. 

You roll your eyes, shutting your computer. You go to chirp him, but he picks that exact moment to raise his arms and stretch out, letting out a groan in the process. Your eyes go wide as you watch every muscle in his body flex, the glimmer and shine of his medal matching the one in his eyes. The smirk that spreads across his face makes you want to choke him, or maybe to be choked you’re not quite sure because your mind is a mess. 

“I can go put a shirt on, if that’s what you want” he offers, moving to get up off the couch.

The rate at which you jump up to stop him as you yell, “No!”, is almost embarrassing. 

He raises an eyebrow at you, clearly amused at how worked up you are. 

“What?” you ask him, trying to brush it off, but there was no hiding how flustered he was making you. He had always been more than attractive to you, that much was obvious. Maybe it was the amount of time you had been forced apart, but he was somehow driving you even more insane every time you looked at or even thought about him. You were obsessed, knowing your man was a gold medal champion. 

You thought you could handle seeing him walking around your apartment, shirtless, donning that medal, hell you even thought you wanted it. However, the minute you walked into the living room earlier and saw him standing there with his cup of coffee, leaning against your floor to ceiling windows, the city his backdrop you knew you were fucked. 

You swallow hard, trying to push the image from your mind and get your head out of the gutter. “You’re the worst”, you glare at him again. Who knew it would be the absolute worst thing you could’ve said. His already apparent smirk widens. 

“That’s not what you were saying last night”. 

And with those 8 words, he unleashes a monster. Your composure is gone, if it was there at all and you full on whine his name. 

This is when you get the confident hockey player side of him. He grins at his work, propping his head up behind one arm and beckoning you with the other. 

“C’mere, my little Gold-digger”. 

-- 

The end of the day was always your favorite. You thrived at night, even when you were exhausted. You loved looking out and seeing the night sky lit up with the city lights, you loved feeling small, tucked away in your own quiet corner of the world. But most of all, you loved those midnight talks with Dylan. Nothing was off limits with him, from outrageous would you rather that had you questioning whether you were dating a budding NHL player or a middle school boy to deep talks that had you believing with every fiber of your being that he was made just for you. 

Tonight as you lay in bed with him, you had a question for him that kept slipping your mind. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but why didn’t you just ask one of the boys to pick you up?” you ask, lifting your head off his chest, instead propping your head up on your arm. “I know Ryder’s been dying to see you, he’s been sending me withdrawal texts since we put you on a plane” you joke. 

“They don’t know I’m here yet”, he shrugs as if it’s no big deal. 

The hand that was tracing patterns on his chest stops and he turns to look at you, anticipating your question. “You didn’t tell them you were back?”

Again he shrugs, “They think I went home for a bit before I’m coming back”.

“Ohmygod your family. Dylan! Did you even see them while you were out there?” you ask sitting up suddenly. As selfish as it was, you had only thought about him seeing his family when he first left. It hadn’t even crossed your mind for him to stay with them before coming back to campus. Now you felt bad that he was with you and not his family, you knew he didn’t get to see them very often. 

His hands shoot out to grab yours and he pulls you back into his chest. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. I saw them for a little bit before I left, they knew I wanted to get back though. I’ll be out there soon enough, I didn’t want to keep you waiting”.

You know your eyes are glassy when you look up at him to confirm he meant what he said. “And as much as I love the guys, they’re kind of dominating you know? I just wanted to spend a few days with my girl before we get our third wheel back” he says, giving you a squeeze. 

At that you have to laugh because Ryder really had become your third wheel and honestly Shay was your fourth. Whether they did it to bug Dylan or genuinely could not be apart from him you were still undecided, but either way, where there was your boyfriend, there was also your two other boyfriends. 

“He’s going to be so mad when he finds out” you tell him giggling at your little secret. 

“Not if he never finds out” 

“I think he has some kind of radar, D. I’m surprised he hasn’t already come knocking”.

“Don’t say that too loud” he laughs. 

And as if on cue, your phone dings asking if you knew when Dylan was coming back. Once your laughter dies out you settle in and relish in the warmth of having Dylan next to you in bed again. 

You’re on the verge of sleep when his voice cuts through the darkness. “Y/N?”

You hum in response. 

“Are you awake?” he asks, as if your response wasn’t enough. 

You roll over so that you’re facing him to see what’s keeping him up.

“I woke you up, didn’t I? Go back to sleep” he whispers. 

“You’ve got me, babe. What’s on your mind?”

He hesitates and you think he might’ve gone to sleep after all and so you call his name. 

“I’m here. I just-. You know what I was thinking of the whole time I was over there?” 

You raise your eyebrows even though you know he can’t see them in the darkness, but he continues on anyway. 

“I kept thinking everytime I walked into that building that this was going to be my future. That this is where my career was really going to start”. 

You had wondered about that, how he felt and what it was like for him to be spending so much time in the very place where he was going to be playing for the next three and maybe more years. But you had been too afraid to bring it up, for fear of starting a talk about the future that you were unprepared for. 

But you swallow your fears and ask anyway, “What was it like?”

You can hear the smile and excitement in his voice when he talks about his future home. “It’s amazing. It was such a privilege to be able to experience that before I get there, to get a taste of what’s to come, ya know? Like I can’t believe that that locker room is going to be mine and those stands are going to be filled with people that want to see my team play. It was surreal and humbling. It started to feel real”, and there’s something about his voice and the way he’s talking that you can tell is leading to something big. 

You brace yourself for impact when he swallows hard. He doesn't say anything else, he reaches up and brushes your hair back from your face instead. “Come on, Dylan, you’re scaring me. What aren’t you saying?” 

“It started to feel real,” he repeats. “I was in my home, so close to achieving my dream and all I could think about was how I wanted you there with me.” 

You don’t feel like it’s safe to let out the breath you’re holding quite yet. 

“I thought getting to the next level was the ultimate goal and in a way it still is, it’s what I’ve been working for my whole life, but Y/N it just didn’t feel right to not be able to share it with you too. I know it’s early and I don’t know where I’ll be this time next year, but when I do get there, I want you there with me. Edmonton might be where I’m going, but it won’t be home without you”. 

When he feels the wetness of your tears falling on his chest he’s concerned. But he knows you so well and knows what your love language is and so he tilts your chin up and kisses you hard. He tells you with his lips how much he loves you, how much he adores you, how much impact you’ve had on his life. And you kiss him right back, knowing you won’t be able to get the words out at this point. You kiss your relief, your love and your commitment into his soul. 

“So I’ll take that as a yes?” he asks breathless as he pulls away. 

You nod, equally as out of breath, “I’d follow you anywhere, Dylan Holloway”. 

No more needs to be said, the perfect words already professed. He tugs you a little closer to him and shuffles down the bed until his head is resting on your chest and the rest of his body is nesting itself a home in yours. It never fails to amaze you how much he loved to be the little spoon and how his fridge of a body managed to fit with yours perfectly. You fingers card through his hair, earning a content little sigh. You feel his breathing even out and you feel yourself nearing the edge of sleep too. 

You swore you would never get enough of the way he held onto you, tight enough to know you were wanted and loved. You would never get tired of the way his voice dropped, in tone because he was fighting sleep for you, but in volume because no one else needed to hear him but you. You would always crave the way his fingers would manage to trace light paths all across your face and arms as he opened himself up to you. There was something so vulnerable and honest about your nights spent with him and you prayed that they never ended. 

But his raspy voice breaks through the silence yet again, this time to ask, “How do you feel about silver? I’m bringing you home a Stanley Cup next”.

He lifts his head to flash that goofy grin your way as he soaks up your laughter. 

“Silver sounds good to me, baby”

With that he’s satisfied, but even with the new goal, your new pet name still sticks. “Goodnight, my little Gold-digger.”

[jacepens]

okay, so I was reading through some of your posts, and I definetly need to hear more about the "flirting-through-their-wives" thing tho...

yes yes indeed!

Thank you msrandomstuff! I shall do my best to provide:) <3

Let me start first with Lafayette's letter to Washington and this lovely little passage here: June 12-13, 1779. Laf to GW.

"Be so kind, My dear General, as to present My Best Respects to Your lady, and tell her how happy I would feel to present them Myself to her, at her own house—I have a Wife, My dear General, who is in love with you, and affection for you Seems to Me So well justified that I Can’t oppose Myself to that Sentiment of her’s—She Begs you would Receive her Compliments, and Make them acceptable to Mrs Washington—"

Now, this is just my biased speculations but- Lafayette says Adrienne (although should I take into consideration the extra playful nature here when he just names her as "a Wife"? Rather than my wife or Adrienne? Is it suspicious or regular Laf behavior? One could look at that and say, right or wrong, "a Wife" may not actually be Adrienne...if you catch my drift.) is very in love with Washington and Lafayette feels just as strongly as she does! But if we are flirting through our wives, let me add that my wife continues to compliment yours and actually, let me praise and compliment you twice, George. Because Laf did start this letter by expressing his concern for Washington's safety. Romance aside, I could see Lafayette playfully doubly begging George to keep himself safe and remember his Marquis loves him.

But it's Washington's response that really gets me, and it gets the little cogs in my head turning.

Sept 30, 1779. GW to Laf

"Tell her [Adrienne] (if you have not made a mistake, & offered your own love instead of hers to me) that I have a heart susceptable of the tenderest passion, & that it is already so strongly impressed with the most favourable ideas of her, that she must be cautious of putting loves torch to it; as you must be in fanning the flame. But here again methinks I hear you say, I am not apprehensive of danger—My wife is young—you are growing old & the atlantic is between you—All this is true, but know my good friend that no distance can keep anxious lovers long asunder, and that the Wonders of former ages may be revived in this—But alas! will you not remark that amidst all the wonders recorded in holy writ no instance can be produced where a young Woman from real inclination has prefered an old Man—This is so much against me that I shall not be able I fear to contest the prize with you—yet, under the encouragement you have given me I shall enter the list for so inestimable a jewell."

Washington has immediately caught Lafayette! hehe. (On a historian-rambly note, I just love how human and playful the line: if you have not made a mistake, and offered your own love instead of hers to me is) And it seems that Washington very enthusiastically receives Lafayette's double compliment! He even confesses to having a heart susceptible to the tenderest passion, you know, the only kind of passion Lafayette has for Washington. (It could be nothing. But. I find it interesting that it is passion, singular rather than passions, plural. I honestly read it as passions but nope...just one passion. Could be normal, might not be.)

But please please I need to talk about the second half. George continues to assure Laf (I mean his "wife"-) that he is so favorable of her (him) that he must be careful to...put love's torch to the flame of George's fondness. I actually find this part extra fascinating and while my first thought is, how cute!! I can't help but read into it the longer I look at it.

So, hear me out. George is afraid of falling in love with Lafayette or vice versa or naming what they share as love love. Again, this is more heavy speculation and just one way to read it, but this sentence just really stands out to me.

But, it sounds like this is a conversation they've had before, so often in fact, that George knows exactly what Lafayette would say in response. Lafayette does not mind the danger. Mind the danger. (not apprehensive of the danger) Do you- do you see what I see? (what's more dangerous than being in love love with a man?) But but then I hear some sadness from George. There can be no real danger when they are separated by the ocean and even their age? A fire cannot burn them down from such distance. (Now I'm just talking...)

But no fear!:) We will be reunited, (I'm having an epiphany, Laf was anxious of George at the beginning of his first letter. That's probably a giant leap to make but I'm making it anyway lol). Ps can someone smarter than me tell me what the Wonder of former ages is? xD I can take some guesses, but I'm not too sure. Maybe it's nothing fancy at all.

But but please. The way it ends. George seems to go a little back and forth between sad, self-deprecating and hopeful and loving, but he ends on the cute cuuuute fact that Lafayette encourages his pursuit and love:) George will enter the list so the inestimable jewel of Lafayette's..."wife". (Lafayette)

Cute. Too cute. Am I digging too far into things that have no meaning? Perhaps. Is this still just...flirting with each other through their wives? (platonic or romantic) Yes oh my god yes.

But I'm not done. (Same letter from GW to Laf)

"It only remains for me now, to beg the favour of you to present my respectful compliments to your (but have I not a right, as you say she has made a tender of her love to me—to call her my) amiable & lovely Marchioness—& to assure you that with every sentiment of the most perfect regard, & personal attachmt I have the honr to be My Dear Marquis Yr Most Obedt & affect. Servt"

Please. please. Pleeease. Come oonnnnn. The emphasis on "your" (I checked Laf's full letter that he wrote the above passage in. He never once calls Adrienne "my" just, "a wife". Technically, "a Wife" could be anyone. I rest my case. (or it could be the differences in French and English for all I know. I don't know French, but I'm assuming Laf knows the difference between a and my at this point. Maybe a bold assumption, maybe not.)) only to very cheekily add again, George caught Laf's double compliments of him through his wife. George knows he's writing this to (my) Lafayette. And then of course, he calls Lafayette My (My!!) Dear Marquis (no abbreviations this time here folks). Obviously, I know George calling Laf My Dear Marquis is nothing out of the ordinary, but in this context, it seems worth nothing, does it not?

And. This quote still keeps me up at night. It's not a full flirting-through-wives, but what does it meeean?

From Laf to GW. 5-10 January 1779. (Right before Laf left for France during the war, same year as those letters above)

"I hope you will quietly enjoy the pleasure of being with Mrs Washington, without any disturbance from the ennemy till I join you again;"

I could again spend way too much time looking at all the different angles of this. It- it's just the "till I join you again" that really gets me.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this?? I hope it was sensible, but really, thank you so so much for giving me an excuse to ramble about this. I feel like there are still so many different ways this could be interpreted and if I had more time, I would love to find the photocopies of these letters to potentially analyze even what was crossed out or what looked rewritten vs very natural and not edited. (Washington claimed he didn't edit his letter much, but how true is that I wonder? lol)

Also, not that I think you would, but don't take anything I've said as fact except for the quotes themselves:) Like I said, this is all my (biased) speculations and interpretations but it's honestly not built on a lot of background on how they communicated with other people. (Again, if I had more time, I'd love to see if I could find if these things were standard for them to say or rare).

But really, on an aside, can historians stop assuming everyone as straight? I want lgbtq+ until proven differently xD. Because when you think about it, the lgbt spectrum is a vast number of identities and straight is just one. (Not that people who aren't alive to label themselves should officially have modern labels put on them, but in that same thought, why then call them all straight?)

Ok ok you've listened to me talk enough.

Thank you!! <3 I hope this satisfies:) (ps anyone is free to add to this)

[alighieri-sparda]

DMC Boys + Civilian S/O

Sweetly requested by anon ♡ | Masterlist | Rules

Hi dear! Sorry about the delay, hope you don’t mind. I love writing fluff things, so your request made my day! Hope you like it.

- - -

Dante

His S/O is protected by Dante’s typical dorky style. He’s naturally the funniest guy they’ve ever met in their life, so it’s not uncommon to see Dante suddenly taking his S/O in his arms and saying something like “How is my pretty little person doing, hm?” and then kiss their cheek when he finally meets them after a while. His attitudes might be kind of stupid, but they are also very honest.

It doesn’t mean Dante cannot act seriously when the situation calls for it though. He knows that having a civilian S/O is very risky — for them principally — and the last thing he wants is to lose them like he lost his mother. Due to that condition, Dante never takes them to his jobs, even though he talks to them a lot about all the situations he experienced during his Devil Hunter life. Don’t get me wrong, Dante knows that he’s absolutely capable of protecting them from everything. But at the same time, he doesn’t want to expose his S/O like that. He’s unbelievably careful when it comes to his S/O’s safety.

However, Dante didn’t hide his relationship with them from anyone close to him. It might sound incoherent, but the only people who are aware of his relationship are the most trustworthy ones that Dante has in his life. Since he doesn’t know what can happen to them, he at least can count on Lady, Trish, and Nero to protect them if something prevents him from doing so.

Dante takes every chance he has to skip jobs just to stay with them in their house. He knows that his S/O is shy about the others and avoids demonstrating affection in public because of that, so he doesn’t mind skipping other activities just to give them the attention they deserve.

By the way, it’s important to say that Dante is definitely a cuddler. A professional one. They are his cute and precious S/O; he can’t help hugging them tightly and kissing their shy face multiple times in a row. He wouldn’t mind doing these sorts of things in public, but he respects their decision to keep it private. But when they are both with other people, especially at Devil May Cry, Dante likes to hold their hands softly.

When they are at the shop, it is usually because Dante invited them to stay and sleep there with him. It’s not so common to happen though, because of all of those things about exposure and dangers related to date a Son of Sparda. If his S/O is there, Dante doesn’t receive customers in person and closes the shop earlier. And whenever they want to go home back home, Dante always accompanies them to their house.

Nero

This boy is naturally a very protective person to everyone he cares about. But dating a civilian person increased his protection instinct to a whole another level. His S/O basically has a boyfriend and a second mother at the same time; things like “I’m not sure if it’s safe to go alone, think I’m going with you” and “Please, let me know if something strange ever happens to you” are quite usual to come up from Nero’s mouth. He doesn’t mean to be overprotective, but he ends up being anyway, sometimes even apologizing for doing such things. But they think that’s a cute aspect of Nero’s personality, so they just pass it on. It’s completely understandable since they remember how many rough things Nero passed through due to the Order.

Nero is not afraid of telling them the things that happened to him in the past though. He does it to warn them about how dangerous things related to the Demon World can be more than anything, and how they must not go after those sorts of subjects. Nero also invited them to live with him just when his relationship with his S/O started, because he’d be able to protect them properly if they stayed close to him, in his opinion. Well, no matter the reason, they enjoyed the idea very much.

He doesn’t exactly hide his relationship with them, but he avoids talking about it in public. But of course, Nico, Dante, and everyone else does know about their existence. Actually, they’re very cherished by the others who know them due to their lovely and kind personality, so Nero can calm down a bit because they’re very well protected by the rest of the crew.

In public, Nero doesn’t leave their side at any moment. His excuse is always related to “I want to protect you!”, but they know it’s all about being closer to them, always embracing his S/O’s shoulders. Sometimes, he suddenly steals a peck from them, just to chuckle at their flustered shy face. Nero is shy about demonstrating affection in public as well, but he just loves that precious person so much; it can’t be helped!

It’s pretty obvious, but it is still worth emphasizing that Nero is a damn cuddler. Even more than Dante. When they are in private, Nero doesn’t let them go from his cuddles easily; he’s very physical when it comes to love demonstration, and that’s perfect for them because Nero’s hugs are the warmest and most comfortable ones in this world.

By the way, when they’re both sleeping at their shared bed, Nero is always the big spoon. And they’ve never slept at any different position since they started to live with him. Nero never realized this fact; he does it unconsciously.

V

It’s quite noticeable that V is the less experienced between the Devil May Cry crew when it comes to intimate relationships, and that’s what most affected him when he saw himself dating a civilian: a person who is even more powerless than him against demonic creatures. V feels truly terrified because they are the most precious thing he has in his life and he’s not sure if he’d be able to protect them. But V would give up on everything to keep them safe, without a doubt.

Unlike Dante and Nero, V doesn’t feel comfortable telling them all of that demonic stuff. In his opinion, explaining everything would put them in danger somehow. So, the only things V allows himself to do are presenting his familiars to his S/O — only mentioning Nightmare, since he is the most terrifying of the three and the only one he has no control over — and vaguely explain what’s going on. They feel obviously confused, but they respect V’s decision. They know he just wants to protect them.

His S/O’s relationship with V’s familiars makes him smile without even realizing it. Griffon’s still annoying, but it’s clear how much he enjoys their presence — and when he starts to bother them, it’s usually just to make them laugh. Shadow purrs constantly when they pet her, and she even licks their face and hair affectionately. It’s fair enough to consider that V’s familiars are now his S/O’s ones as well.

When V can finally have some time alone with his S/O, he’s the sweetest; laying on the couch to read some poetry to them, letting them pet Shadow and timid cuddles are quite usual to come up from this gentle boy. If they start to ask something related to the Demon World, V will only kiss their lips softly and whisper against their mouth: “There’s no need to be concerned about such things, love. The only thing worth recalling is that I am with you now.” V’s kisses are the gentlest in this world, as much as his hands as well, those he softly brushes against their back and through their hair.

V didn’t tell anyone about his relationship with them at first. Due to his inexperience with these sorts of things, he avoided exposing their existence unnecessarily, taking care of them quietly, in his way. However, as the events went on, V realized how trustful Nero proved to be and revealed his deep affection for them — but he’s the only person who knows about it. If V needs to show up with his S/O in public for any reason, he’s extra careful, never leaving their side. Shadow is always surrounding them, protecting V’s S/O directly. He’s not really down for demonstrating affection in public just like his S/O, but if V notices they’re afraid or anxious for some reason, he’ll gently kiss their hand and say things to comfort them.

They are not aware of this, but they can get what they want from V just by smiling at him. Their cute and lovely personality makes his heart melt; he smiles at every word they say or at any mundane thing they do. One day, V asked them to read a few lines of Blake’s poetry, just to appreciate how wonderful those words would sound when spoken by their sweet voice. He basically fell in love with his lovely S/O again, kissing their lips passionately after they were done.

Vergil

The eldest son of Sparda is definitely the most overprotective one. Vergil doesn’t even ponder that he’s being almost a controlling person over his S/O, because everything sounds pretty justifiable in his head. But everything can be solved if his S/O addresses him about his actions. It will be kind of hard at the beginning because Vergil is a stubborn bitch, but he’ll recognize his mistakes eventually. If they get really upset about this, Vergil will wait until they’re in bed, embrace them and speak softly: “I’m sorry.”

Vergil’s lack of experience on dealing with emotions and his naturally introverted behavior make things a bit hard at the beginning, but his S/O learned how to deal with those aspects of his personality and comfort him when he gets stressed over things like that. It’s the way Vergil found to demonstrate the love and affection he feels for them, and they recognize this. It’s important to remind that everything Vergil does is to keep the person he loves safe and comfortable; and he does such things in his awkward antisocial way, but with honest love put into his actions. The last thing he wants is to lose them like he lost his mother.

At first, Vergil will hide their existence from everyone. He’s unsure about what would happen to them if he does so; and of course, Vergil is completely confident that he can protect them from everything. But Dante would find out about them soon — Dante knows his brother very well to notice he changed somehow — and assure Vergil that “if we know about them, Verge, they would be better protected”. With that in mind, Vergil will let them go to Devil May Cry and meet the rest of the crew, but never exposing them to demonic power. He doesn’t even unsheathe Yamato nor allow himself, Dante or Nero to Devil Trigger next to his S/O, for example.

Vergil is less physical when it comes to demonstrate love; he’s not an assumed cuddler, actually. The way he demonstrates his affection is by simple attitudes, like starting a little conversation when asking about their day once it’s noticeable he’s not the biggest fan of talking with other people, sitting next to them while he’s reading when his preference is to have a isolated place to do so, and sleeping with his S/O in the same bed even when he’s not exactly able to sleep. Vergil does things that no one would ever believe he has actually done.

Demonstrating affection in public is a huge NO with Vergil. The only perceptible thing he’d do is just stay close enough to them to make sure he’s there to protect them if something bad happens, but don’t expect seeing him embracing or even barely touching them at any possible way. It is not even a problem to his S/O since they’re a shy person who blushes easily when Dante teases his brother about his relationship with a civilian human smirking like a jackass. Although Vergil avoids using his power next to his S/O, he surely will stab his brother with a spectral sword to shut him up.

Like I said before, Vergil just doesn’t assume being a cuddler. One of his favorite things to do is surprise them with a soft kiss on their head or cheek while they’re just doing mundane things, like doing the dishes or reading, just to see that surprised shy face of theirs. When Vergil is waking up, sleepy, he likes to hug them tightly and resting his head over their shoulder. It usually happens when Vergil is sleeping with his S/O after a long time without seeing them. He also loves when they caress and massage his scalp, but will never ask them to do it — he will only pray to the gods that they will notice this quickly and then enjoy the laziest mornings in their shared bed. Poor touch-starved Vergil.

[truth-and-lies-drv3-imagines]

DrV3 boys, with an S/O who appears to be tough and strong, but at times they have flashbacks to their childhood and when it happens, they lock themselves in their room for days at a time only leaving when they need to

Mod Nagito here~! It’s been ages, huh? Sorry about that. I started this one a while ago and never got to finish it, so I did the other 5 boys today and now it’s pretty much done. I forgot that imagines can be pretty fun to write, haha. It’s much more low-pressure than any of what I’ve been writing recently. 

I’ll be honest, these turned out a little more like headcanons than imagines, but I hope you still enjoy them! They also turned out to be more focused on how the boys took care of their S/O and less about the S/O’s trauma/past troubles. I wanted to make sure they didn’t vary too much in length, but they got longer and longer, so…oh, well? Here you go!Edit: I kept trying to put a keep reading, but it won’t show up :( Sorry.

Shuichi Saihara

- He’s usually the one getting encouraged by you and tends to depend on you for support. But when you disappear suddenly for the first time and don’t respond to any message or calls for a few days, he’s incredibly worried. 

- When he comes to your house, of course, you don’t respond to any doorbell ringing or knocks, so he digs under your doormat and pulls out a key to enter the house. He’ll run through the house and, seeing that common area is relatively empty, dash to your bedroom and knock before entering. 

- You’re too zoned out to have heard him coming in and am curled up in your bed and blankets, eyes wide open and slightly damp. When he sees you, he’ll rush to your side and put a hand on your arm gently. “S/O, what’s going on? You haven’t been responding to anyone’s messages or picking up any calls.”

- You try to deny it at first, trying to keep up that strong front. But when it’s obvious that you can’t hide it from him, especially taking into account his perceptive nature, you tell him. You don’t exactly have a picture-perfect childhood, and it’s hard thinking back on it–you never want to, but it happens anyway.

- He’ll nod and reassure you that he’s not mad or anything, that having these flashbacks does not make you weak, and ask you to please rely on him as he does with you or at least tell him what’s going on because he gets worried.

- He’ll lie in the bed with you and talk to you if you want, or if you’d like silence, give you cuddles or just stay there with you without a peep out of him. Shuichi’s a great listener if you’d like to rant to him, scream, cry, whatever you need to feel normal again after this episode of flashbacks. Heck, he’d even be your punching bag even though you’d never actually use him that way. 

- Next time you have a round of flashbacks, call him up or text him, and he’ll be at your side in a jiffy. He’ll also go out and buy you anything you need so you don’t have to leave the house–although he thinks some fresh air would be good for you, he realizes the world can be overwhelming when you’re in a vulnerable state.

Kaito Momota

- He really admires how you journey on and push past hardships! But he’s a very discerning person; he sees you have your troubles behind the front that you put up, too. 

- When you disappear, he might panic at first, but if he can calm down he’ll be able to assess the situation and remember that you’ve got off moments too. He’ll go looking for you at your home, for sure. 

- He’ll pound on the door, and when you don’t answer, he’ll try the door handle,  realize it’s unlocked, and enter quickly, closing the door behind him and running through the house to your room, where he’ll probably make a dramatic appearance by bursting in the door. 

- He’ll probably have the urge to give you a good talking to, but seeing that you’re in such a vulnerable state, he’ll save it for later. You’ll probably be asleep when he comes in, and only be woken by him sitting down on the side of your mattress slowly, carefully. 

- He doesn’t exactly want to wake you up, but he doesn’t think it’s a good idea to sleep the day away either. He knows from experience that too much sleep can cause headaches. He might pet your head or rub your back comfortingly as you’re roused from your sleep. 

- If you want to talk about things, Kaito is surprisingly good at asking you important questions that force you to reflect and see more clearly. Otherwise, he’ll keep his big mouth shut and just keep your company. He might sit in your bed and pull you into his lap. He’s basically a human heater and an extra-firm pillow. 

- He makes sure you know that he’s always here for you and encourages you to contact him, talk to him, depend on him. Having another person on your side is always helpful.

Gonta Gokuhara

- He panics and assumes the worst when you disappear and don’t contact him for some time. He’ll run to your house and search for you, all kinds of worst-case scenarios running through his mind. He’s worried to death about his brave s/o! And knowing his strength, it’s more than likely that he could break down a door or a few walls to get to you and make sure you’re safe and sound.

- When he realizes that you’ve shut yourself in on purpose, he feels slightly discouraged. Is he that unreliable, that you’d rather isolate yourself rather than lean on him? But after you explain to him that, in fact, it’s just your habit of how you deal with your pain, he’ll tear up and give you a big bear hug.

- (And he gives the best bear hugs, in case you haven’t realized.)

- He just wants to be the most helpful gentleman possible and support you in any way possible while you’re going through tough times! Just knowing he has your back is a source of comfort to you. He can handle lots, even If he’s often looked down upon for his childish disposition.

- Gonta’s also surprisingly good at taking care of you! He reminds you to eat, drink, sleep (but not too much), get some sun if possible, and take any meds you need. He’s a gentle and positive force in your life, especially when you’re suffering. 

- Even though he may come off as oblivious at times, he’s finely attuned and sensitive to your feelings. He worries about your well-being and what he can do to be a better gentleman for you, even if you say that his normal self is enough for you. Thus, communication with him is rather easy at times since he easily understands your current state of being.

Ryoma Hoshi

- Ryoma’s the type of person to have a strong intuition and often sees right through you, with all that he’s been through. So when you disappear, he’s not all that surprised, but he is worried. However, he’s not the kind of person to rush into situations, and while he may worry about you, he trusts that you’ll hold yourself together enough–at least, until he can get in touch with you. 

- He knows it’s tough for you to take care of yourself when you get into this state of darkness and vulnerability, so much so that you needed to close yourself completely off to hide that weakness. He reads you well, almost too well, and he’ll leave little (or not-so-little) care packages at the door to your house/apartment, complete with little notes of encouragement and support. 

- You’ll open the door to find the care package sitting there wrapped up nice and neatly, and he somehow always has the best timing, so food never spoils. He comes and goes like a cat, but it’s like he predicts your every move. When you ask him about it, he just shrugs and tells you it comes with being an athlete–he can predict your movements just like he can predict the trajectory of the ball. 

- (You’re not sure you really believe him, but you accept his help gratefully.)

- Although he’s careful not to push you when you’re in a tough spot, he does sometimes pop up outside your door just before you decide to head out to get some essentials or such. He times it just right, and you often ask him if he’d been waiting long, but he brushes off your concern and shakes his head. He’ll offer you a hand and talk you on a little walk for some fresh air and company.

- If you ask for it, he’ll pat you on the head and give you hugs. He’s not the kind of person to offer much physical contact in general, but for you, he’ll do so just about anytime. The fondness he has for you only grows when you have the courage to ask him for what you’d like from him because even though he’s intuitive, he has his doubts sometimes, too. 

- If you’re anxious and ask him if you’re being a bother or other such untrue things, he’ll assure you and offer you verbal affirmations that you are not too much and have not been too much. He’s glad that he can support you during hard times. You’ve been a source of light and support for him, so he’s happy he can give back to you.

- Ryoma’s not the most expressive or mushy guy out there, but for the people he loves, he does his best to be there for them however he can. He counts himself lucky to have you, just like you can count yourself lucky to have him, and so it’s a given that he’ll always do his best to treat you right. 

Kiibo

- Kiibo’s absolutely bewildered at first when you lock yourself in and show no signs of coming out, save for essentials like food and toiletries. But he’s a good robot and studies up on human behavior, so he quickly and easily deduces that you’re having a hard time and have partly shut down to conserve the remaining energy you have. 

- Thus, he’ll first take the logical approach, which is to make sure you have everything you need and could possibly want. He’ll help you with getting groceries (although he won’t go in your stead, since he’ll insist that you need a modicum of natural sunlight and fresh air), and he come over as much as possible to help around your place, cleaning and taking care of chores. 

- When he’s satisfied with the standard of your living situation, he’ll focus more of his efforts on comforting you and helping you in other ways. He’s not exactly the most sturdy robot–in fact, far from it–but the current you isn’t much tougher, so he’ll offer his shoulder to lean on and many kind, loving words. 

- Being who he is, Kiibo will tend to probe you for answers and confirmation. He gets nervous that he’s not doing the right thing or that he’s not doing things right, so he has to be sure that what he’s doing is constructive for you. And while subtle enough, delicacy still isn’t his strong suit, so he’ll ask you questions about what you’re going through and thinking. 

- If you confide in him, he can offer a safe space for you to reflect in, and it can be healing for you to talk to him about your troubles, past and present. He’s careful not to judge or advise you unless you explicitly ask for his advice. And if you ask, his advice will mostly consist of telling you to live healthily and safely, and to pursue the things that you enjoy and love. 

- Although Kiibo is perfectly fine with staying inside with you since his suit isn’t exactly the most weather-resistant, he will still be adamant about getting you to go places now and then. He believes a change of scenery can help you with a change in mood, even if it’s extremely nuanced. If you’re able, he might help guide you in doing some simple exercises or movements that can give you a little more dopamine from moving your body. 

- He’ll be by your side even if you push him away. He gives you space when he senses you need it or when you communicate it very clearly, but otherwise, he doesn’t like to leave you out of his sight because he’s very concerned for your well-being. He cares too deeply about you to just leave you alone. He’s a versatile robot and will perform to his utmost ability in helping you take care of yourself, along with caring for you when you are unable to do so. 

Korekiyo Shinguji

- As an anthropologist, he’s studied human behavior and quite a bit of psychology and sociology since the disciplines intersect frequently. So noticing you withdraw and shut yourself off from the rest of the world is natural to him, although it’s a phenomenon that feels unpleasant because he cares for you. 

- He tends to focus on the emotional side of things. As long as you’re drained and in need of something to fill you back up, he’ll offer you all kinds of possibilities and items that can help you feel a better, even if just a little. He has tons of ideas and knowledge, so there’s bound to be something that will help. 

- He loves listening to you talk, and he’ll engage in conversation with you about anything and everything, from the past that’s keeping you stuck in your room to light-hearted topics like what you’d do with a million dollars and a thousand-acre plot of land. If you need processing, he’ll process with you, and if you need to be distracted, he has a plethora of distractions. 

- Korekiyo probably also has collected a bountiful amount of gadgets and artifacts that can pique your interest. Among them will be fidget toys, games, and lucky charms. He’ll probably bring over a big box of stuff that you can look through and let you borrow some things to use (or give them to you, if he thinks he’s studied them enough). 

- He’s also very good at taking care of people, although he rarely has the chance to show off this side of him, being isolated from most people and having deep relationships with few. He’ll cook delicious, nutritious meals for you and help you tidy up. 

- As long as you’re okay with it, he’ll give you hugs and kisses and backrubs. He’ll lie down beside you in your bed so you can get a good night’s rest, and the next day, you’ll wake up in his arms, safe and warm. If you manage to catch him off-guard (although this is very difficult to do), you might even see him watching you in the morning as he holds you gently, just as he does normally before you wake up. 

- In short, he’s like a domestic partner that helps you fulfill your emotional needs and restores your physical health with good food. If you request his help on something, he’ll help you without fail; there’s little he can’t do, especially for you, who he loves. Even just his presence is comforting. 

Kokichi Ouma

- Kokichi is extremely sharp, so he catches just about any of your shifts in mood. He’s aware the moment your mind begins to enter another space, even more because your attention will wander from him, which makes it even more obvious. That’s why he might even be the one to suggest you take a break, or in other cases, ask you to try not to cut yourself off from everything. 

- When you do lock yourself in your room, he’s keen not to leave you alone–at least, not for too long, because he knows what it’s like to be left in the darkness with no friendly presence at his side. If he has to, he’ll be obnoxious and in your face about it and do anything to get you to let him in. If you think you’ve seen the limits of what he can do, you thought wrong. Kokichi Ouma has no limits to his mischief and, in this case, arsenal to tools to compel you to comply with his demands, which is what he believes is best for you. 

- Though he’s nimble and composed, he can be somewhat clumsy when it comes to caring for other people. Household duties like cleaning and cooking don’t come easily to him, although he picks up skills pretty easily and always has. But it does mean that at first, you’ll be eating burnt porridge (if you let him do the cooking, that is). 

- Sometimes his clumsiness brings a little more work, but his presence more than returns in spades the benefits and comfort of having him around. He’s soft and obliging when you’re in a tough spot. In his mind, he’s probably agreed to give you a break on his tricks and other more high-risk, high-adrenaline activities. 

- He’s happy to pet your head and hold your hands, offering as much physical affection as you’re comfortable with. He’s thin and small, but he’ll even playfully offer you a lap-pillow and patiently let you do as you like. He’s just as happy to let you do the touching and thoroughly enjoys your attention, even if he’s worried about you. 

- In some ways, his methods of caring for you are like that of a child’s or otherwise chaotic. He’ll offer you messily crafted construction paper cards with heart cut-outs and scribbled drawings in marker. It’s touching, and even if he doesn’t expect you to take the cards seriously, he’ll be happy if you like it. 

- He will bug you about going out on occasion. He’ll probably throw a fit and make it look like he’s just being selfish and wanting to go somewhere for fun, but really, he’s trying to get you to go somewhere he thinks might lift your spirits or give you a change of pace. After all, if he pesters you about going to a museum, he probably isn’t wanting to go there because he’s so interested in its exhibits.

- Kokichi is always thinking of you. He likes to go out now and then and come back with little gifts and souvenirs, some more unconventional than others, like a shiny rock or a penny that he found heads-up on the sidewalk. When your eyes light up or you offer a small smile, he feels relieved and is assured that he did the right thing leaving you alone for a bit so he could you bring something cool. 

- Overall, he’s not the most competent caretaker in terms of acts of service, and he hardly earns any points for being smooth about it, but his love for you is overwhelmingly strong and supports you in the way only he can. His intentions come from the heart, and he showers you with affection as much as possible–it’s what he’s best at, after all–and your hard days will pass by quickly with him around. 

Rantaro Amami

- Rantaro has had plenty of practice taking care of people, especially with all his time caring for his many younger sisters. That’s why it comes easily to him when he comes and finds you with his backpack of supplies, which has all kinds of items from when he took care of his sisters. You joke that it’s like Doraemon’s magical pocket, which produces any number of magical and useful items. 

- He’ll pull out supplies for making your favorite foods, which will offer great comfort to you when you’re in a difficult position. If you dig through his backpack, you’ll also find adorable and soft plushies, watercolor paints, a notebook, an mp3 player, and much more. He tells you you’re welcome to use whatever you’d like. 

- He’s gentle and not at all pushy. He take care of the chores and helps you with other tasks as needed with great patience. When you ask him how he can be so patient with you, he laughs and tells you it’s nothing compared to his sisters. 

- Now and then, he’ll suggest that the two of you take a little walk or venture out to somewhere pretty to see a sunset or such. If you’re okay with it, he’ll bring you out and walk while holding your hand, squeezing it slightly now and then. It’s a reminder of the warmth that lies in himself, and the warmth that lies in yourself, telling you that you’re here with him. 

- He’ll sometimes ask you if you want to talk about what’s keeping you in this darkness, and he encourages you whenever you’re doubtful or unsure. He’s a safe space for you, and always will be. But he’ll never demand answers. He also has a few things he’d rather keep to himself, after all. 

- He tends to treat you like his younger sisters, being the older brother that he is. He’ll comb your hair, put a reassuring hand on your shoulder, and give you short, tender hugs. 

- He likes to make little crafts like thread bracelets or pouches of fragrances, and he’ll gift them to you when he’s done. They’re little charms that will be a source of strength and remind you of his love, and when he’s not around, they’re a good replacement. Sometimes he even makes flower crowns or flower rings that he’ll reverently place on you and then proceed to tell you that you look absolutely magical. 

- Rantaro takes a very laidback and gentle approach to taking care of you and confronting you about what you’re feeling and doing. His kindness is like liquid warmth that embraces you whenever you’re feeling cold or down, and you’ll never feel lonely with him by your side. 

[abacus-and-paper-money]

Comet Theory Thursday: The Private & Fucked-Up Life of The House

[CONTENT WARNING! Today's analysis gets a little darker than normal, and there will be discussion of abuse/child abuse, manipulation, and similar topics. Please proceed with caution, and feel free to dip if things start getting too dark or something triggers you. ^^] It's no secret to anybody that the Bolkonsky household is incredibly fucked. I mean, they literally introduce themselves that way. "Andrey's family, totally messed up." But since today's vote was literally UNANIMOUS, and to make up for my inactivity because of finals this week, I thought that I'd do an extra-good and thorough job on this one. I've pulled out the off-broadway recordings, which I don't normally listen to, as extra evidence. Additionally, I've done some research on domestic abuse for some additional proof. Also, if you haven't already, please read the warning at the top of this post before continuing. Content under the cut! [Usual Disclaimer: This is an analysis of Great Comet and Great Comet!Bolkonskys, and does not include any canon from War & Peace. I consider them separate universes. :D Plus I haven't actually read War & Peace-]

Alrighty, welcome to the analysis! Let's just dive right in. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that everybody is kind of on the same page in the "OPB is an asshole, Mary is baby and deserves NONE of this shit," book. And, surprise surprise, that's exactly what I found more of. Not only is he an asshole, but it's to the point of emotional abuse. So, let's look at the symptoms of abuse and child abuse. According to Mayo Clinic (which is a very credible source, I did my research, guys) here are some symptoms of abuse/child abuse. I've written down here the ones that seem to be visible in Mary. These include: • Loss of self-confidence or self-esteem • Social withdrawl or a loss of interest or enthusiasm • Depression • Desperately seeks affection • Difficulty establishing or maintaining relationships • Challenges with intimacy and trust • Inability to cope with stress and frustrations • Seeming fearful • Seeming anxious to please the abuser And some characteristics of abusers/abusive relationships that I see in OPB & Mary (from Healthline, which is for the most part pretty reliable, minus the occasional pseudoscience article lmao): • Name-Calling • Sarcasm & Belittling • Threats • Orders • Walking out in social situations, and therefore leaving you with all the pressure • Trivializing & making excuses for their behavior • Interrupting • Cutting you off from others or society in general, directly or indirectly All of this sounds pretty damn familiar, right? "And I have no friends, no, never go anywhere," "Insolent girl!" "Bring me my slippers! Bring me my wine!" And from the Off-Broadway: "Silence!," etc. Okay, let's analyze more thoroughly, now that we have some basics down. Mary's anxiety and tension is through the roof from the minute we meet her. (Fun fact, costume designer Paloma Young said that the numerous buttons on Mary's dress represent her anxiety and the urge to fiddle) Mary's general personality and emotions are pretty easy to understand right away. Anxious, caring, socially awkward, and most of all, lonely. Which she talks about a lot. Which she wouldn't do, if it didn't bother her. She desperately wants a friend or a spouse, somebody to care about her. Though that latter is probably moreso the only way to escape her current predicament. "And I have no friends, no, never go anywhere," for example. We also have the line "Will I ever be happy? Will I ever be anyone's wife?" Which almost ties the two statements together, equating happiness with being somebody's wife, and therefore escaping her situation. So, if she's so desperate for somebody to be friends with, why does she judge Natasha so hastily? Well, there's a few reasons. First off, she knows her father doesn't like Natasha, and she's been conditioned her whole life to always agree with what he says. There's also Mary's intense jealousy of her. Natasha has always been adored by everyone, including Mary's own brother, who seems not to care about his sister very much. There's also the possibility that Mary just wants Natasha out as fast as possible, to avoid her father becoming angrier, which would most likely be taken out on her. It's also important to take into account that Mary probably doesn't know how to even MAKE friends, considering she's been cut off from society for so long. Her strained and anxious "oh. Oh hello. Won't you come in?" Conveys that pretty well. Then, we have the commanding. It's relatively normal for parents to tell their children to do things, but OPB is so fucking order-y about it, with the "Bring me my slippers!" and "Bring me my wine!" And shit. And even worse, the off-broadway recording includes "Silence! Silence!" And "You shut your damn mouth girl, Shut your damn mouth, I can hurt you!" Also found in the off-broadway recording, Mary says "He could beat me, or treat me like a dog. Make me fetch wood or water, and it's just how it is. Oh father, I love you father" OPB also has a tendency to make his daughter feel like she's the one at fault, or she's the one who's being bad to him, which is one

of the biggest characteristics of abuse. We have "This is just how it is, It's just how he is, I'm always to blame," and of course the "I disgust myself" from the end of the song. "This is just how he is," plays a significant role here, too. Mary's in a constant internal struggle between being angry at her father, and being angry at herself while she makes excuses for him like "He is a tired old man and must be forgiven." She tells herself that she's the one at fault here, no doubt because that's what she's always been told. "He is old and feeble, and I dare to judge him." On the other side of that, there's the anger that comes out occasionally. One of the most telling moments between Mary & OPB is the whole "I can hurt you" bit. OPB says it first, threatening her. (possibly something he's carried out before?) Then they both say it together, and then Mary's "but I never, ever, ever, ever would! No, father, I love you, father." What I'm seeing is Mary trying to retaliate against the first "I can hurt you," but simultaneously getting scared back into submission by her father. Her reaction is to immediately take it back, and then offer her love to show that she isn't an enemy. Also, if you watch her on stage, during the "Never, ever, ever, ever"s she's looking around at the audience, a little panicked, and almost rushing to tell them that she didn't mean it. Shifting gears slightly, we're now gonna look at how Mary feels trapped. Her constant mentions of both time and loneliness show that she feels powerless and unable to escape her situation. Even from the very first time she says anything in the story: "But besides the couple of hours during which we have guests, there are also twenty-two hours in the day." That's oddly specific, isn't it? I mean I know how math works, a couple + 22 = 24, but still. Mary seems to be acutely aware of time and it's passing. The feeling like she's running out of time heightens her anxiety, because the older she gets, the less appealing she'll be to suitors, and therefore less likely to get married, and therefore much less likely to get out of her situation. OPB also seems to be purposefully scaring off suitors so that she has no chance of getting away in a socially acceptable manner. Mary also doesn't seem to be getting any support from her brother either. When Andrey comes home near the end of the show, Mary is onstage, waiting for him. She stands up to greet him, but instead he just pushes past her to sit on their father's chair. The fuck, dude? Anyway, that about wraps everything up. Overall, I've come to the conclusion that Old Prince Bolkonsky can suck a dick, and Mary deserves none of this shit. Hope you enjoyed! I worked really hard on this one. This week's topics will be posted in a bit!

[huihuiheart]

Classy - Park Junhee

Summary: Junhee shocked everyone when he confessed to you during the last week of class, giving you his class ring as a sign of his affections for all to see. If only they knew the real meanings behind that gift.

Paring: Jock/Popular Junhee x F! Reader - College au

Warnings: Beer pong, drinking, unprotected sex, rough sex, dom/sub themes, ring kink, manhandling, oral (male receiving), face fucking, hair pulling, spanking, mention of marks, fingering, degradation, daddy kink, light slapping, bondage, light choking, slight breeding kink, overstimulation.

Word Count: 5,410

“Yes Y/N I’m serious, I want you to come play as my partner. No tricks or conditions I genuinely want you there.” Junhee had patiently spent the last ten minutes trying to convince you to play beer pong with him. Despite barely having ever had contact with him before. You had one class together and one project, but you worked on it in class with the rest of a group of five. Never had either of you reached out to the other as like a social hangout, especially when you came from two entirely different groups. Junhee was here on a sports scholarship, and while not being the star or his career choice there was no doubt that he was athletic and a favorite player on the team. He also was graduating in two months and moving onto a university to continue his studies in what he actually wanted to pursue for his future. You on the other hand still had a year of college left before you moved on to university, focusing your studies in the science department, but waiting to fully chose a major until university. Not sure if medical, forensics, or botany spoke to you yet, while he seemed so sure of where his life was going. Hence why you two had only passed in one general education class all this time, well before this party that your friends insisted on dragging you to before you had to cram for any finals.

“Sorry, I’m just really confused as to why you’d want me to play with you. I’ve never played before and we haven’t really talked, so I’m just surprised.” You admit causing Junhee to chuckle as he grabs your write and leads you off to the table where his friend  Donghun and his girlfriend were already waiting.

“Exactly! So you can learn something new and we’ll get a change to really know each other since we didn’t during that project.” The way he smiled at you and seemed to remember you so genuinely blew you away a little. You knew he was a kind person, you could always tell but there just simply wasn’t much reason for him to notice you at least to your knowledge, “It’ll be lots of fun I promise, and if you don’t enjoy it then we can always just have a conversation or something.”

You gave a small nod, giving in to his slightly pushy but in all considerate nature. You could give something new a try especially if the person introducing you to in was willing to let it go instead of forcing you to continue if you didn’t enjoy it. Not that you really had to worry about getting too drunk though, Junhee was good enough at this for the both of you and easily won. Wordlessly stepping aside to let another pair take over to just talk with you, incase you weren’t comfortable speaking up.

“So that wasn’t too bad was it?” His voice is playful as he takes a spot besides you in a quieter corner of the party, knowing you at least found yourself laughing a few times during the game. 

“No, I survived just fine thanks to you. Though I think one game a party is enough for me. I don’t really like getting drunk in places like this.” Your voice weakens with your admission as if ready for him to mock you for something that seemed so silly even though as a woman it was so normal.

“Yeah, it’s hard to know who’s here and if you can trust them, especially with all the things that happen. I won’t make you drink anymore if you don’t want though.” Junhee assured you before offering a change of subject after if you wanted it, placing your comfort as his priority even though you were just getting to know each other. An hour of just talking passed before you knew it and you almost....almost felt bad about stealing him away from the party. It was too easy to enjoy his presence though, too nice to have someone to talk to after being dragged someplace you didn’t want to be and then abandoned by your friends. 

“I’m going to be honest Y/N. I didn’t want to get to know you so we could be friends. I wanted to get to know you so that I could ask you out.” Junhee admits bluntly to you his admission stunning you for a moment before you collect your thoughts again.

“Really? So like a fling? Cause after graduation you’ll be onto bigger and better won’t you?” You wouldn’t think less of him for it, but he wasn’t going to be around much longer so you wanted to know what you would be getting into if you were to agree.

“I mean if that’s all it ends up being then yeah I guess a fling. Honestly though I’ve been looking for an excuse to come ask you all year, so if it works out to be more then I wouldn’t be opposed at all.” Junhee’s warm palm cupped your cheek, contrasting with the cool metal bands of the rings on his fingers as he gently tilts your head to look at him, “I’m not just asking so that I can play with your feelings though.”

Junhee’s been so genuine with you all evening that you can’t help but believe his words now too, especially when he leans in to press his lips against yours in the gentlest, most fragile of ways. As if he was afraid to scare you away, but also couldn’t hold back any longer. Only easing up when he feels you responding to his kiss, you two becoming lost in your little corner away from the chaos of the party. Until your phone buzzed anyways, your friend sending you an sos message and meaning you’d have to leave Junhee. Both of you cursing later that night upon realizing that in the daze from the kiss neither of you had given the other your number.

Junhee was more than proactive about resolving that situation though as he waited by the entrance closest to where most of your classes were located the next morning, searching for any sign of you from his post. Weaving through groups of grumbling people to reach you when he finally spotted you.

“Y/N! Hey, I forgot to give you my number last night. I mean if you wanted it anyways. If not that’s fine and I’ll just let you get to class.” Junhee nervously rubs the back of his neck, not having thought of the possibility that you might have intentionally not exchanged numbers until he’d already practically stalked you at the entrance of the collage. 

You giggle a little at his anxious behavior, noticing the confidence he usually had fade away some, but the sound of your laughter does get him to relax some, “Have you been waiting here all morning for me?”

Junhee nods bashfully as his cheeks dust with a faint pink hue, something rather uncharacteristic for him, “Y-Yeah I skipped my morning coffee and came straight here cause I didn’t want to miss you.” 

“Well we can’t have that, you won’t survive morning classes without caffeine and well...neither will I for that matter. Come, I’ll give you my number over a cup of coffee before things get too crazy today. Besides you still have to sweettalk me into actually going on a date with you.” You tease him slightly already walking past to head to the cafe on campus a familiar first stop for you anyways, though it would be nice to have someone with you for a change.

In almost the blink of an eye a month and a half had passed and with just two weeks left until Junhee graduated you knew you were falling too fast. Too fast to be able to let him go like you knew you probably would, but also too far gone to be able to give up what time you had left with him. He’d been the perfect gentleman with you though, taking things slow perhaps too slow even. His confident nature there, but yet he’d never try to fluster you sexually. Though you couldn’t deny that you’d felt more than just curiosity in that regard, especially when you went to his games. Watching the way he’d move and his muscles flex, or the way he’d lift his shirt to wipe the sweat off his face and shoot a smug look into the crowd in the direction he knew you were. That being the only peek into that side of him you’d get. You were curious about whether that gentleman who could be so sweet to you over dinner was the same man Junhee would be in bed with you and you were determined to find out. Though your chance came much sooner than you expected and sending your heart racing, body tensing under the familiar touch of his arms weaving around your waist from behind. It barely teasing as his fingers peaked under your shirt that had ridden up, warm against your skin but given away as the chilled metal of the rings he always wore sent shivers through you.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you baby. Your roommate let me in when she was heading out.” Junhee’s brows furrow afraid he’s frightened you, placing a sweet peck against your neck as his thumbs brush against your skin trying to calm you again. Not realizing the real reason behind your tensing, “ I wanted to surprise you with dinner out tonight so you could relieve more of that stress from finals, but you’re already cooking.”

You place your own sweet kiss to his subtle pout, “You’re stressed from yours too, so it’s alright we can stay in tonight. Eating good food and relieving our stress in other ways.”

The way you purr out the words and smirk at him has his brow raising as he watches you, not used to you being like that. Not that he was one to complain, but he decided to play it off wondering what you’d do if he did, hands coming up to your shoulders and massaging gently, “That’s sweet of you baby, let’s do that tonight. Relax and recover from all that stress.”

You know his words are meant to tease slightly, but you don’t know if he’s trying to test you or not. You know that it suddenly makes you more impatient though, thinking over your next move as your hands slip over his on your skin, looking down and admiring how the red gem of his class ring glitters in the light, “You know you don’t have to hold back with me right? You’ve made this perfect, but you don’t have to be soft and sweet like that with me all the time. You won’t scare me away Junhee, it’s too late for that.” 

“It’s too late for that? What do you mean?” Junhee’s brows furrow as he shifts to look at your face, trying to get a read on you and understand what you mean. Leading you to take a shaky breath knowing you were possibly going to say something too soon, but hopefully it wasn’t something you shouldn’t say right now.

“I mean I love you Junhee. And maybe this will all be over in a few weeks, but I want every second I have with you to count. For it to be with you as a whole. Not for you to hold yourself back for my sake, because you never have to.” As the soft spoken words leave your lips, Junhee slips a hand up to cup your cheek and turn you to face him. Not answering with words right away, but instead capturing your lips in a searing kiss. 

“Are you sure that’s what you want? I can be a bit much.” Junhee chuckles, but there’s concern written on his face, especially in his eyes as they search your own for any sign of hesitation. Not that they find any there, you already sure of what you want from him. 

“I’m sure, I’ve thought about it and I know what I want. So why are you still holding back?” You murmur against his lips, only for him to chuckle at you again his eyes darkening as he backs you up to pin you against the counter. 

“Because I was trying to let you finish cooking, my baby was working hard and I wanted to appreciate that.” Junhee grips your jaw, squishing your cheeks slightly, “But if you’re so impatient then I guess I can take care of those needs for you baby. It’ll just be on my time table.” 

Junhee’s eyes flick down noticing movement and smirking as he notices you pressing your thighs together not as subtle as you thought you were. Not continuing though until you admit whether through words or actions that you want him to fuck you now, before anything else. You doing that by reaching back to turn of the stove and try to nudge Junhee away so you could lead him towards your bedroom in case your roommates decided to come home. Junhee quickly gripping your hips before you can get far though and pressing you against his form, kissing you heatedly, teeth flashing in to nip at your lips as he leads you back into your room and quickly slamming the door shut, your impatience rubbing off on him as he practically tosses you onto the bed. Growling low in his chest as he nips at your throat when you desperately try to claw his shirt off. Pulling back to take care of that for you.

“Tsk so desperate, it’s always the shy ones that are the filthiest little sluts. Isn’t that right?” Junhee gives a light slap to your cheek, the feel of his rings making you gasp even though there’s no real sting with it. Simply enough to pull you out of your daze at seeing his body and back to his words, “You won’t get anything without your words, come on be a good little slut and use them for me.”

You bat your lashes innocently at him as if you weren’t preparing to be a brat and see just what you could get out of him, “Why don’t you make me daddy? After all you haven’t given me any reason to be a good little slut for you, so why should I?” 

Junhee raises a brow watching the way your fingers trace over his belt buckle and he shakes his head with the click of his tongue pulling you up and practically ripping your shirt off. Smirking as your hands follow his movements while he undoes his belt, practically drooling as you anticipate the sight of him. Though he surprises you by stopping after he’s slipped his belt off, moving behind you to pull your wrists behind your back and secure them with his belt. The leather digging in just enough to sting, but not to actually hurt you a softer side of him peaking out for a moment as he kisses your temple.

“We’ll come up with a system later, but for now if it’s too much or you need be to stop just say so. Do you understand?” His words are soft against the shell of your ear, a nod not sufficient as he lightly slaps your thigh in warning, “Do you understand?”

“Yes, I understand daddy.” You vocalize, getting a hum of approval and one last kiss to your temple, before Junhee’s fingers weave into your hair and grip firmly as he moves in front of your again, free hand working the rest of his clothes off enough to free his cock. 

“Good, now let’s see if we we can’t teach that pretty little mouth of yours some manners hm?” Junhee raises a brow leading you down, grip lose enough to let you ease into taking his length, but firm enough to let you know he won’t let you tease him, “Come on baby, you can take it. Or is your mouth only good for talking back and begging to be fucked silly?” 

His words along with the shallow nudge of his hips is enough to encourage you to take him deeper, not letting up until you take all of him. Determined to prove yourself now that you were finally getting his cock like you wanted, reveling in the way his hips thrust forward with a low groan as a result. He didn’t let you have the control long though as his hand gripping your hair tightened to hold you in place, thrusting into your mouth with more vigor once he knew you could take it. The sight of you driving him crazy, the way your swollen lips looked around him, spit and tears glistening as they dirtied your face, but your eyes stayed locked on his unwavering through it all. Until he had to pull you off him before he lock control of himself and came down your throat, that not being what he had in mind today. You whine though, moving to take him into your mouth again as soon as his grip on your hair loosens, wanting to make him fall apart because of your actions. 

“Babe you gotta slow down.” Junhee moans out, head falling back feeling his resolve breaking as you don’t let up even hearing his words. Almost giving into what you wanted knowing part of him wanted it too, but pushing that down and taking control again wanting you to be the one that was falling apart right now, not the other way around. Pulling you off his cock again and up to kiss you, tugging your bottom lip in a harsher bite after. Your actions getting him riled up as he moves to get the rest of your clothes off, having to rip your bra with your hands bound to expose you. Licking his lips as he spots the way your arousal already has glistens in the light, fingers running through your slit to collect your wetness, bringing his fingers up to lick clean with a smirk.

“If only I could reward you right now, but you still haven’t learned your lesson have you?” Junhee teases your lips but stays just far enough to not give you quite what you want, your giggle in response only heating him up more. Him moving your body to his liking as he presses your face down and ass up for him, hands kneading your flesh greedily as the sight sends a spike of arousal through him, making his cock throb. His skin felt almost fire hot against yours, but his rings were still chilled from the air, sending a chill through your spine. Though that changed to a different feeling as his touch vanished only for his hand to crack down against your ass a second later, already letting you feel bruises form where the metal bands had hit. Junhee setting a pattern that way, not touching you until a sudden swat to your ass. Them varying in strength, but none too gently. Him showing some mercy and only delivering twenty knowing it wasn’t something you were likely used to feeling and seeing the blossoming marks, gently rubbing over your bruised flesh and leaning down to leave a few kisses in his wake, though what you couldn’t see was the hungry way in which he eyed the way you were dripping down your thighs, only further enticing him.

“Look how well my little slut can take a punishment. Almost seems like you enjoyed it too.” Junhee chuckles his fingers trailing up your thighs and collecting the mess you’d made before running his slicked fingers through your folds. Free hand gripping your ass to stop you from pressing back when you try the first time, “Tsk you aren’t already forgetting the lesson I just taught are you? What do you have to do if you want something slut?”

“I-I have to ask daddy for it like a good little slut.” You whine drawing your lip between your teeth, “Daddy please can I have your cock now? I already learned my lesson and can be good for you I just want you to fuck me already.”

Your little pouty huff makes Junhee laugh, teasing your entrance with the tips of his fingers, “Don’t get all huffy with me slut, you’ll get what you want in due time. Once I determine that you’ve earned it. Until then you’ll take what I give you like a good little fuck doll and you’ll thank me for it.”

You didn’t have even have time to bite back a smart remark before two of his fingers finally slid into you, still teasing as he slowly moved them deeper until his rings pressed against your entrance sending chills of pleasure through you and earning a moan despite his teasing. Glancing down between your legs to see the same red gemmed ring you’d been admiring earlier glittering against your core now, as his fingers slowly moved in and out of you. Drops of your arousal smearing over it and only creating more sparking spots as your pussy clenched trying to draw Junhee’s digits deeper.

“Look at that greedy little pussy of yours, is this what it wants.” Junhee punctuates his words with a particularly hard thrust, curling his fingers against your sweet spot, “Want my fingers deep in the tight little cunt? Deeper than your fingers could ever get?”

“Yes daddy, want you to fuck me good with your fingers or your cock.” You mewl out eyes still fixated on his ring, knowing that every time you saw it now you’d end up thinking of this moment, especially as he picked up the pace. Knowing how good his fingers felt as he fucked you with them, letting himself open up this side of him to you like you’d been wanting for so long. You slicking them up enough that with each thrust of his fingers the rings started to press in as well, dragging against you to form delicious jolts of pleasure through you. Not that Junhee cared if you ruined his rings like that, not if it meant he saw you turning to putty beneath him, not even realizing how you squirmed in pleasure due to your fucked out state. Determined to bring you to fill you with as much pleasure as he possibly could before even fucking you. His free hand moving between your legs to rub roughly at your clit, losing his own patience as he leans down towards your ear, letting you feel his cock against your ass.

“You gonna fall apart for me baby? Go ahead baby, give into it. I know you want to. Show me how pretty you are when you cum.” Junhee softens slightly with his words, despite his rough actions still it proving to be all that was necessary to make the pleasure finally explode. Stars burring your vision as shock waves of pleasure and relief surged through you, slowly turning to a slightly good burn as Junhee’s fingers pressed on for just a moment longer to overstimulate you before slipping out gently to give you a moment of reprieve as his hands worked to undo his belt on your wrists. He gently rubs your wrists for a moment, helping bring back proper circulation before his hand grips your hip to help flip you onto your back, crawling over your form.

“I’m not done with you yet baby, you wanted me to hold nothing back so this is what you get....well when I’m in a good mood.” Junhee smirks and the thoughts that along with his words and the dark glint in his eyes conveys has you shuddering, wondering just what him being in a bad mood would entail. 

Junhee going to look through his pockets for a condom before you pull him back to you with a determined look in your eyes, “I’m on the pill and I said I didn’t want you to hold back, I meant anything when I said that. Unless you don’t want to cum in my sweet little pussy daddy?”

Junhee slaps your thigh hearing your coy attitude and little giggle, “Filthy fucking slut, do you actually know what you’re asking for? If I cum in this little cunt of yours I might just have to fuck you this good every day.” He rubs his tips through your folds teasingly, before finally pressing the head of his cock in, “You’d probably love that though wouldn’t you, dirty whore. You’d love for me to fuck load after load of cum into you whenever I wanted wouldn’t you? You’d beg me for that huh?”

"I-I would daddy, I'd need it so badly. I'd love every second of it just like I do now, cause I'm your dirty little slut." You mewl rolling your hips up only to stop when you feel Junhee's hand wrap around your neck, fingers slightly sticky with your essence still. He doesn't press down on your throat her, but his grip is firm enough to remind you of who was in charge right now and get you to stop your movements as you look back into his eyes.

"Then do it whore. Beg me." Junhee's lips quirk up again as he looks into your eyes seeing the brat in you take a backseat yet again to the submissive side, knowing that he was so close to giving you what you wanted and that all you had to do for it was give in that last little bit. 

“Daddy please, please fuck me. Use me to feel good, please. I want you to prove to me that no one can fuck me like you and for you to cum in me, to claim me like that please.” If not for the way his grip on your throat creeped higher until the pads of his fingers grasped your jaw and turned your face to look at him you might has squirmed beneath him more, but you were willing to contain yourself if it meant getting him to finally give into giving you what you both needed so badly in this moment.

“Alright baby, I’ll give you what you want. Just remember that you asked for this.” Junhee practically snarls at you, grip tightening just slightly, until you wonder if his rings will leave little bruises in their wake there as well. You only have a second to consider it though before your mind goes blank as he snaps his hips into yours full force. Not giving you more than a moment to adjust to the feeling of him inside you, before he’s pulling out again to set a pace without giving you a moment’s reprieve. The punishing thrusts of his good mood were mind numbing, blissing you out before you even had a moment to try and collect yourself. The one hand still secured around your throat as his free hand grips your hip, pulling you into each of his hard, quick thrusts. Soaking up your reactions and being sure to hit all the right spots after he found them.

“Look at you, already so fucked out and practically drooling over my cock and to think you seemed like such a sweet, innocent, little girl. Here you are though, falling apart all for daddy, hm?” Junhee’s words are teasing, picking up his pace as he brings your leg over his shoulder before letting his hand on your hip move between your legs to rub circles at your clit, feeling you clench and spasm around him, becoming more vocal, “ Oh? Does my little slut really like that? You like when I use you like a little fuck doll, moving you and fucking you however I please?”

“I-I do daddy, it’s what I wanted. What I needed from you. If you keep doing this I’m gonna cum.” Your whiny tone spurred Junhee on, stroking his ego and fueling his lust, determined to make you cum as many times as he could manage before he couldn’t hold back his own orgasm any longer. Though with how good you felt around him right now he wasn’t sure he’d be able to last too long today, though he was already planning ways to make up for it later on. 

“Then fucking do it. Cum all over daddy’s dick, let me feel what it’s like when that tight, little cunt makes a mess of my cock.” His words paired with a well angled thrust against your most sensitive spots had you tensing beneath him as your pleasure unraveled, spiraling you into your second orgasm for the evening before you had time to even register what was happening. Junhee’s continued thrusts making each wave of your release as euphoric as possible and even after not giving you much time to consider the slight burn of overstimulation as the knot in your stomach started to form and tighten yet again, “ I’m not filling up this little pussy until you cum for me again, you understand?”

You want to answer, but aren’t able to as his grip tightens just enough around your neck to restrict the airflow some, not fully cutting it off though. Your pussy only further tightening around his cock, something that gave away how much you enjoyed it and something he would have been more cocky about if he weren’t so far gone in his own pleasure. Junhee’s thighs starting to tense and quiver as he chases both of your impending highs, moaning much more than before at how vice like your cunt’s grip on him is.

“F-Filthy fucking whore, likes being choked. I wonder what else you little naughty girl. I can’t fucking wait to find out every little thing that sets you off baby, we’re gonna have so much fun. I promise you that. Right now I need you to cum one more time for daddy though.” Junhee’s voice cracks slightly as he pinches your clit, waiting to feel you cumming around him before he allows himself to cum as well, releasing thick streams of cum into you just like he’d promised to do.

Taking a moment to catch his breath before brushing the hair out of your face and kissing your forehead with a soft chuckle. Deciding that even though he’s going to be sweet once again he’ll tease you some as well, “Come on baby let’s get you showered before your roommates come back. I’ll clean up the kitchen and get us some food too. I think I relieved that stress of yours, but I don’t know that you’ll have your energy back for a bit.”

Walking down the hall during one of your longer breaks between classes to get your mid-day caffeine fix you saw Junhee waiting on your route for you much like he did the same way he did the day he got your number. 

“Hey babe, I wanted to talk to you about something. You got a minute?” He asks smiling sweetly as if he hadn’t just been super blatant in public about you two despite it still being relatively on the downlow still. It flustering you slightly, but you found it sweet at the same time. 

“Sure, you wanna go someplace quieter?” You question taking the hand that he offered you although a little confused by his sudden need to talk about something, especially with the faint pink dusting his cheeks.

“It’s fine. I’m right where I want to be. I just wanted to tell you, I’ve been thinking a lot and I..........I love you too. Not just for these few short months either and I want to keep loving you.” Junhee’s blush deepens slightly as he holds out his class ring to you with a shy laugh, “So what do you say? Will you continue to be mine?”

You feel heat rising to your own cheeks looking at the very ring that had a special place the night you told him that you loved him for the first time, gently taking it into your hand, “You already know the answer to that, of course I will.”

Junhee beamed pulling you in for a soft kiss, before leading the way towards the cafe already knowing where you’d been heading as he announced to the whole campus that you were a couple and you were going to stay that way.

[real-talk-time2004]

I wanna talk about stims

Like can we talk about stims for a quick moment?

First off, what is a stim? By definition it’s referred to as “self stimulating behaviors, usually involving repetitive movements or sounds”.

Stims have a wide variety of choices depending on what people normally do, it’s not a definite autistic trait however most autistics do use stimming as a form of self calming or soothing.

However stimming can mean something else entirely, just because you stim does not mean you are autistic, there can be a variety of reasons why you stim. For example, you could just generally feel anxious or nervous, you could have restlessness, or you are just very energized.

There are a bunch of different kinds of stims too. The most common are nail biting, hair twirling, cracking knuckles or other joints, drumming your fingers, tapping a pen or pencil, jiggling your foot, tongue clicking or even whistling.

However there are also some more extreme stims such as head banging, like against an actual object, or biting whether it be on an object or a person. These stims are very prominent in young kids with adhd or autism.

Now there are some less severe but also not as common stims (some of which I didn’t even know until I looked this up) which could be rocking yourself back and forth, pulling hair, repetitive blinking, rearranging or moving things, scratching or rubbing your skin, licking objects, staring at moving fans or any other rotating object, flicking or snapping your hands and fingers, repeating words or phrases excessively, and smelling objects or people.

I know. Crazy right?

Now all of these stims you may have done at least a few times in your life, but not all of them relate to autism. The common stims are very prominent in neurotypical people and neurodivergent people. So stimming is not a for sure way of diagnosing your autism or not, however it’s always a start or a place to come back to that creates the foundation of autism.

Here are some examples of my stims as a self diagnosed autistic teen:

Repetitive blinking (I literally did not know this was an autistic thing I did until I looked it up and it blew my mind)

Repetitive noises (I make weird little grunts that sound like I’m clearing my throat and it drives my family insane)

Chewing pens and pencils (always gotta have something in my mouth)

Rocking

Twirling hair

Messing with the strands on my jackets. You know those things on the hoodie that you can pull and the hood gets smaller; I literally cannot stop rolling those strings up as I sit in class it’s become a habit now

Scratching/rubbing my skin (specially face)

Picking at scabs

Biting and punching (this is usually when I’m very overwhelmed and stressed. Kinda like when a child had a tantrum; this is what I do)

Cracking knuckles

Drumming fingers

Jiggling my foot

Nail biting

As I was writing this list I realized how much I do dear lord.

Anyways

Stimming does not always equal neurodivergent or neurotypical, there’s a wide variety of stims and reasons for stimming.

If you are struggling with self diagnosing I would look at a variety of symptoms that autistic people have

And here’s a tip for you

If you’re realizing your autistic later in your life, it means you’re doing something called masking or camouflaging (I’ll explain this in my next post). In the meantime, do some research. I’ll try to help out as many of you as a can but doing your own research for your own symptoms really does help.

Stay safe

-Kay

[ohwereusingourmadeupnames]

A Truth In Your Eyes (saying you’ll never leave me)

Pairing: Peter Parker/Tony Stark (Starker) Rating: Not Rated (it’s just fucking fluff, y’all!) Notes: There were a few people that were pretty stoked about my first attempt in this universe, so I decided to put out another part. If you haven’t read You Say It Best, you should probably give that one a shot first!  Word Count: 4.4k Warnings: this is the fluffiest fluff that ever fluffed. Tony does describe a bit of anxiety, though - tread carefully if that’s something that triggers you!  Summary: 

After Peter is careless with his words, Tony is left feeling a little anxious about the stability of things between them. The philharmonic concert he planned to attend doesn't really help - but Peter is there to pick up some of the pieces.

Or - the one where Peter does a little damage control.

Read it on AO3 here

“I sometimes wish you could just hear like everyone else. It’d make things so much easier.”

Despite not being able to actually hear the words, each one rattled inside his head like active bombs just seconds away from going off.

They were dangerous – the type of thing that haunted Tony his entire life; from the halls of school where he struggled daily, to the comfort of his own home growing up. Everyone wished to change him, whether for their own convenience or the ease of being around him – people were always attempting.

Yet, when he met Peter Parker, Tony finally felt like he met someone who could understand him, regardless of the barrier that existed between them. For the first time in his life, Tony wanted to believe that hearing and non-hearing didn’t matter – there was a place where they both could exist in the same realm.

Then, those dreaded words slipped out of Peter’s lips so carelessly – the man not even cognizant of what kind of impact they were going to have.

They were so, so, so careless.

And, as happy as Tony was that Peter came to his senses, his heart still hurt. There wasn’t any way around that feeling – not when his idealistic thought about their relationship was so easily obliterated.

To be completely fair, Peter wasn’t even aware of Tony’s anxiety. There’d been many conversations about Tony and his experience with learning to speak and finding a way to bridge whatever gap existed between himself and another person – Peter seemed interested in all the parts and pieces, even.

After so much discussion and dissection of his experiences, Tony figured the apprehension could remain unspoken, yet understood. He so desperately wanted Peter to understand him – so, some of the hurt stemmed from that glaringly obvious barrier that still existed, no matter how much he wished it otherwise.

Over the last few weeks since Peter came back, Tony spent a lot of time thinking about their time together – the interactions that he treasured so much.

He fondly remembered their first conversation about his deafness – the adorable worry on Peter’s face when he stuttered out the question.

“So, have you always been deaf?”

Tony grinned at him then, his cheeks already warm from the intensity of the smile beaming from his face. The forwardness of Peter’s form of conversation always made him feel a little giddy – while most people hopped around him and tried to navigate murky waters with finesse, Peter barreled on, his idea of asking for forgiveness over permission totally charming.

“Yeah, I have,” Tony replied, his fingers moving through the signs before his brain remembered to add in the spoken word, too. At that time, they hadn’t been together all that long, so the fluent ASL still brought a ‘deer in the headlights’ look to Peter’s adorably rosy cheeks. It took a lot more thinking than Tony usually liked, but the man across from him seemed worth it.

“Both of my parents are hearing – they weren’t even aware I couldn’t hear until I was 3. I hadn’t started talking and did all my communication through gestures. I learned to sign first, then when my dad couldn’t pick it up, I started speech therapy.” He waited a beat, his heart pounding a little bit in anticipation for the words yet to come.

“Speaking makes people more comfortable. Recognizing that we at least have that in common allows me to have a much more genuine conversation than if I just read lips and typed on my phone.”

Peter looked at him with such awe in the minutes to follow his little tangent – his brown eyes were wide and complexly interested; there were probably a million thoughts running through his mind at the time. They were quiet while Peter looked at him and absorbed all of the things Tony said and managed to get out without really saying, too.

Reaching a hand across the table, Peter slipped their fingers together – the touch both soothing and reassuring. After the short time they’d been together at that point, Tony came to rely on the physical communication between them just as much as any other. He let himself relax a little, the usual anxiety leaving him with each dragged out breath.

“I want to make conversing with you as easy as possible, baby. Will you teach me ASL? Enough for us to talk to each other, at least? I’m a pretty quick learner.” Peter looked at him so earnestly – the words and gesture both so fucking genuine.

Tony delightfully recalled the way warmth spread from the center of his chest to every inch of his being, his fingers and toes on fire from those beautiful words – even now, after so much time and the little bit of hurt. Peter was careless, that much was certain; but he wasn’t heartless – his attempt to bridge the gap between them proved to be genuine time and time again.

Sucking in a deep breath, Tony forced himself away from his reminiscent thoughts – he’d been sitting in his seat in the audience waiting for the concert to start for a while now; long enough for his thoughts to run wild and so far away from him. If he didn’t’ force himself back to the present, he could easily miss out on Peter’s entire performance.

While stuck in his thoughts, Tony missed the room filling up – most of the seats that were once empty around him were entirely full, even the two down from his own. Tony took a second to reprimand himself for the negligence – one of his keys to success stemmed from the fact that he paid attention to everything… at all times.

Except lately – over the past few weeks, Tony found himself struggling a little harder than usual to stay present; especially with people outside of his little bubble. Usually, public gatherings weren’t too much of a hardship, but tonight – tonight, Tony was struggling.

Luckily, the lights were lowering as Tony came back to himself – the many people in the audience settling down with the reduced lighting. Most concert goers understood crowd etiquette – the when, where, and how things were conducted played a part in the whole experience.

Sitting up a little straighter in his chair, Tony let his eyes roam across the stage until he found Peter amongst the crowd of shiny instruments and stuffy individuals wrapped up in starchy, unmoving tuxedos. Though he too was stuck in such an outfit, Peter stood out – his wavy hair glistened under the lighting – his confidence radiating off of him in waves that only Tony could see.

The sight brought a smile to his face; even though he wouldn’t be able to hear a single thing his boyfriend played, Tony could clearly see how talented he was – Peter’s skill existed in every part of him, not just the sound he happened to produce.

After a short introduction from the conductor, the performance was on its way. They opened with a steady piece, the vibrations starting out minimal, then gaining pace until the ultimate crescendo peaked to end it all. The last few notes hung in the room, each person within Tony’s view completely captivated already.

For most of the performance, Tony tried his best to pick out Peter’s parts – with the combined visual cues and the learned feeling, he felt successful about half of the time. By the last few songs, Tony’s brain felt fatigued – Peter’s winks and affectionate looks between pieces the only thing really keeping him in it at all.

The last piece ended with a loud (even to Tony) sea of applause that filled up the entire room. To blend in with the crowd, Tony stood up with the rest of his row, his hands coming together to mimic the claps around him. He copied the behavior until it was clear for him to vacate the row.

His feet couldn’t carry him backstage fast enough.

Tony flashed the security guard his badge (the man fondly known as Little Ed shot him a soft smile as he did). Throughout his time with Peter, Tony learned the layout of their performance space and easily found him, his boyfriend delightfully flushed from the still flowing adrenaline of a job well done.

Brown eyes caught him before Tony could make it over to Peter physically – Peter’s stare stopping him in his tracks for a moment. The look never failed to knock him back, Tony completely smitten with the dark pupiled gaze, Peter’s nonverbal communication increasing tenfold since the first time they locked eyes like this. Without saying anything, Tony knew Peter was grateful for his presence, that seeing him right after such a big success made him just as happy as the performance itself.

Grinning, Tony narrowed the space between them, his arms wrapping around Peter’s waist the second they were within touching distance. He nuzzled his nose into Peter’s neck, the silent ‘hello’ exactly what he needed after so much artificial noise buzzing around in his head. After placing a small kiss to salty skin, Tony pulled away, a soft smile on his face.

“You were amazing,” Tony signed, his voice inaccessible to him after so much earlier strain. He trusted Peter’s ASL skill, anyway – they’d been working hard over the last few weeks to make the man completely conversational.

Peter didn’t disappoint, his handsome face breaking into a happy grin, the edges of his mouth actually reaching his eyes. He let a hand brush against Tony’s suit jacket clad shoulder, the touch brief, yet reassuring.

“Thank you,” Peter replied, his fingers touching his chin in the recognizable sign. “It’s so nice to have you in the crowd. It’s like everyone else fades away and it’s just you and me. I really like that.”

Tony smiled shyly, his eyes watching Peter’s lips form those last words with interest. He quickly recalled the last time he saw them, their skin much more flush and sticky then – both totally sated in the afterglow. The blush on his cheeks deepened, his smile turning into a smirk.

“I really like you.” Tony palmed Peter’s cheek as he spoke, his voice suddenly finding its way out of his throat.

Peter wrapped him up in a sudden hug, his arms squashing Tony to his chest. Since their little reunion a few weeks ago, Peter seemed hell bent on making up for it – whether it was through more diligent signing or an abundance of physical contact, Peter doubled his efforts – the try in his behavior apparent.

Letting a sigh slip through his lips, Tony felt himself relax into the contact. He appreciated the effort – there really wasn’t anything like the feeling of being in Peter’s arms. Yet, he wondered if it was just an attempt to win Tony back over, or if it was truly how things were going to go from now on.

He realized after Peter’s walk out, just how tangible being left behind actually was. It wasn’t as if he didn’t think about it before – every time they struggled to be on the same page, Tony found himself thinking how much easier it would be for Peter to be with someone else – someone that didn’t struggle to reciprocate… someone that, well – could hear.

When things were good between them, it was easy to brush off.

Ever since their falling out, though, Tony found it harder to just push to the side. If a little bit of annoyance could drag such careless words from Peter’s mouth, what would the long haul look like for them? Was it even worth it for Peter? Would there ever truly be a future for Tony’s deafness and Peter’s hearing to cohabitate successfully? So much fear sat in the pit of his stomach, so many unknowns and questions unanswered – Tony was already so damn overcome by love and near acceptance, losing Peter wasn’t something he ever wanted to do.

Fear and apprehension weren’t things Tony wanted to carry around with him, especially where Peter was concerned. Despite that want, Tony couldn’t stop himself from fretting or feeling anxious. Times like that very moment, when Peter wrapped him up in strong arms, they kept things at bay – but, only just barely.

Pulling away from Peter’s hug, Tony gave his boyfriend a little space – his sheet music and taken apart saxophone still sat on the table next to them, his presence obviously slowing down the cleaning up process. “Let’s get you cleaned up. The quicker we get to that after party, the quicker we’ll be able to leave.”

Peter shot him a smirk, then went about deconstructing his mouthpiece, the reed lovingly placed in its protector, then slotted into its spot in the case. Everything Peter did was precise, the movement of his hands hypnotic – Tony finding himself completely glued to them more often times than not.

Blinking the unnecessary distraction away, he turned his back to his boyfriend, cutting off any further means of communication for the time being.

Tony put Peter’s sheet music away, his eidetic memory allowing him to remember the order it usually existed in. With that done, Tony slipped it into Peter’s bag, grabbed the saxophone case from Peter’s hand, and offered up his arm for Peter to take. The weight in the crook of his elbow was comforting, the affection something Tony knew he’d need to get through the next step of their forced social adventure.

They took the extra time needed to get Peter’s instrument into the car, the few stolen minutes together some of the last they would get until obligations were fulfilled and the right people were spoken to. As much as he wanted to be by Peter’s side throughout the entire ordeal, Tony couldn’t keep up with everything – too many people to tune into and too much noise to navigate made it incredibly difficult to be anything but a bother.

Which is how Tony found himself in the corner, desperately attempting to escape conversation with the masses. He followed Peter around for a while, catching a few names here and there, exchanging the necessary hellos – then bowed out as quickly as he could. If he weren’t already in a state of anxiety, he probably would have tried to hold on a little tighter to the forced interactions. But, he couldn’t do it – not when his head was buzzing and every second he attempted to lip read felt like trudging through sludge – every exchange between himself and another person the heaviest burden.

He grabbed a flute of champagne and let himself relax against the wall, hazel eyes flitting between all of the different people occupying the space. The musicians were easy to pick out, they were still sporting the matching penguin suits. Stiff members of the upper echelon of New York society also stuck out like a sore thumb – there were only a select few that would jazz themselves up to the nines to attend a concerto. The random few (himself included) flitted in and out of recognition. Some were there with other musicians, and some seemed happy just to be in attendance, regardless of their standing.

As the minutes passed, Tony felt his head starting to buzz more intensely than before. After such a long day, he couldn’t decide if it was because the long use of his hearing aids, or the overwhelming nature of being in a crowd for an extended duration of time. Unlike Peter, Tony didn’t do much of his life surrounded by lots of people. The small five person dinners they sometimes hosted were a bit much – a huge room of people, all of which were talking non-stop, bordered on impossible.

Depositing his glass on the nearest flat surface, Tony reached up to fiddle with his hearing aids. He knew, the second he switched them off, the rest of the world would be blissfully silent – and yet, at the same time, his ability to communicate with it would be severely diminished. Despite the fact that he’d been mainstream his entire life, reading lips and keeping up with multiple people talking at the same time was not easy; and never would be.

Knowing what he knew, nimble fingers still moved to shut off the hearing devices, their assistance no longer anything but taxing and somewhat debilitating.

Peter must’ve seen him struggling – in the next second, Tony had a hand on his elbow, the comforting squeeze of familiar fingers grounding him, despite the small scare the touch provided. There was concern written all over his face, the small little crease between his brows both cute and reassuring. His hand moved to find Tony’s cheek, soft skin against soft skin.

“Are you okay? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you turn those off in public before,” Peter signed, his fingers pointing at the hearing aids in his ears. “This crowd must be a lot.”

Tony allowed himself to lean into Peter’s touch, the overwhelming feeling he tried to bottle up throughout the night finally coming to the surface under the affectionate care. Ducking his head, Tony rested his forehead against Peter – breaths intermingling. He sucked in a big lungful of oxygen, the smell of Peter’s cologne a familiar entity that helped to stop him from jumping over the preverbal cliff he felt perched over throughout the evening.

“I’m struggling, Pete – I’m not going to lie. This whole night has been a lot. All the sound, all the people. I just can’t keep up.” He signed each of the words, the idea of speaking without the help of his hearing aids one he didn’t even want to process. Tony was thankful Peter was paying close attention to him – the crowd not giving him any trouble at all.

The hand on his cheek shifted again, Peter’s long fingers sinking into the grown out hair at the back of his neck. Tony felt his eyes close, the world around them melted away with every pass of blunt fingernails against the surface of his scalp. With his eyes closed, it truly felt like it was only him and Peter – the bubble of silence so fucking nice after all the stress.

Peter continued to pet him until Tony opened his eyes again. The soft smile he found on Peter’s face made his heart race, his own grin settling over his lips for what felt like the first time all day. A swift tug to his hair signaled Peter’s retreat, his boyfriend using his hands to sign at him, instead.

“I think I’ve been here long enough. What do you think about heading home and ordering some take out? I could go for some pho.” Peter exaggerated the last sign, his lips making a round ‘O’ that he dragged out.

And despite being so entirely wrung out, Tony couldn’t stop the laugh that wormed its way out – Peter knew how to make him feel better, without really even trying. His ability to know what Tony needed just by simply looking at him reminded Tony of the reason he felt the need to trust Peter in the first place. He didn’t always class it up the best, but he delivered seamlessly, regardless.

Nodding, Tony stepped into Peter’s space, wrapping his arms around slim shoulders to bring him in close. He held him tightly for a moment, just long enough to absorb Peter’s heat, then let him go. “That sounds good – thank you.”

It took them a few minutes to actually make their excuses and get out of the concert hall, but they were soon on their way – Tony tucked into Peter’s side as they made quick work of the space between the building and the parking lot. Still feeling a bit off balance, Tony clung to Peter with every step; vulnerability oozed from him and for the moment, he didn’t really give a shit.

They made it back to Peter’s place twenty minutes later – both of them slipping out of their suits and into soft matching flannel pajama pants they cheesily wore during the holiday’s a couple months before. It felt good to be wrapped up in the small comforts, the companionship between himself and Peter tangible in all sorts of ways.

There wasn’t any talking while they got settled. Peter ordered their food without having to ask Tony what he wanted. While Peter took care of their eats, Tony set up the latest episode of Peaky Blinders, the closed captions on and ready to go.

The simplicity of one of their typical routines let all the surrounding anxiety melt away from Tony – the only thing left the ease of the environment he inhabited with his favorite person.

Peter made his presence in the living room known with a swift touch to Tony’s shoulder, his fingers settling on the back of his neck. Turning, Tony shot him a soft smile, his hand gracing Peter’s hip before shifting to sign.

“You really were great tonight, Pete. I love watching you play.” He finished the last sign with a soft touch to Peter’s cheek. “I sometimes wish I could hear like everyone else, too.”

Moving quickly, Peter gripped Tony’s cheeks, the move drawing Tony’s attention immediately.

“I should have never said that. I wouldn’t change a single thing about you. Your eyes never left me – each song, it was like I was playing to you and you alone. It’s the most intimate playing experience I’ve ever had, Tony. You don’t need to hear me – you get me. That’s more than enough.”

Not really knowing how much he needed to be told that, Tony felt chest getting a little tighter. It didn’t occur to him that his anxiety that evening circled around the feeling of not knowing how secure things with Peter really were. He forgave him his words weeks ago – they were careless and they both understood that. Maybe he didn’t let go of the feeling those words created within him as easily, though; the whispers of them still haunting him.  

Sighing, Tony leaned forward and pressed their lips together. “I know. I really do. I just – I’m feeling anxious. I was so sure that you just sort of understood me. And you do. I know that, too. It just – broke me a little. You saying what you did. Are you going to be able to handle this,” Tony signed, pausing to gesture between them, “years down the road? I’m always going to be deaf. I’m always going to have nights like tonight. I love you, Pete. I don’t want to lose you.”

The seconds between the words sitting in the space between them and Peter’s response felt like years – Tony’s heart thudded against his chest, each beat like lead running through his veins. It wasn’t an ultimatum, per say – he wasn’t laying down a this or that, but the answer was important all the same. He already went down the rabbit hole of falling in love and depending on the man in front of him. In all of his life, Tony didn’t want anything else in this world more than a future with Peter.

There was so much potential – their relationship consisted of so many components; friendship, love, intimacy – all of the important variables for long lasting companionship and happiness.

At the same time, there were room for complications, too. Especially if there wasn’t a certain kind of commitment that came with living with a person with a disability. Accommodations would always need to be made, whether it be in their method of communication or the environment of whatever home they lived in.

They could do it – he knew they could. And even better yet, he wanted to; more than anything, he wanted to make a real go at things with Peter, even more so than they already were.

Peter returned the kiss after many seconds of silent contemplation. He let the lip to lip contact linger, Tony soaking up the touch, letting the flare of want and contentment surge through him. Brown eyes stayed on Tony as Peter created space, his hands moving to sign.

“It’s a lot – the future. What’s going to happen, where I might be. The only thing I know for sure is that I want you there with me. I was really thoughtless, wasn’t I? Saying what I said.” Peter stopped then, his right hand grabbing Tony’s while the other rubbed circles across his own chest – the sign for sorry making Tony smile lightly. He didn’t need to nod his head for Peter to know the answer to his question – the simple fact that they were having this conversation at all spoke volumes.

After a quick squeeze, Peter dropped Tony’s hand, his fingers moving to sign again. “I’m not going to say that the challenges were going to face aren’t scary – because they are. I’ll probably get it wrong most of the time, but I’m willing to try. I want to, even. This, what we have, it’s it for me.”

Not really sure where they came from, Tony was surprised to feel tears dripping down his cheeks. He couldn’t remember welling up or feeling the incessant need to let stuff out that usually prefaced the times he cried. Yet, there they were, flowing freely down to his chin – the path of which Peter quickly followed with his thumb.

It felt like a catharsis – the sort of cleansing of anger and anxiety that Tony wasn’t aware he needed until halfway in it. Instead of freaking like he did so many times before when emotions became too big, Tony let them go, the soft touch of Peter’s hand on his skin helping to relax him even further. For once, it felt good to let go – to rid his system of the terrible shit he kept inside because there wasn’t anywhere else for it to be.

Except – not anymore. As evidenced by this very moment, Peter could take on some of his burden, he could hold Tony up when everything might’ve gone to shit before.

“I want that, too,” Tony finally managed to reply. He felt completely overcome and suddenly drained of all energy. All of the emotions from what felt like his entire life were exorcised – the wash of tears the physical manifestation of it. Now, all Tony wanted to do was crawl into Peter’s arms and simply exist – no barriers or hard feelings between them.

Apart from detangling to bring the food into the apartment, Tony spent the rest of the night in that exact way – wrapped up in Peter’s embrace without a care in the world.

[binniedeactivated]

saint. || soobin (3.3)🌪

pairing: soobin x reader genre: au  word count; 2k

soobin face palms himself, sighing. he was more angry with himself than anyone else. more than anything he wanted to tell you. he wanted to tell you how he was back then, everything he did and it’s horrific endings. but he was too busy trying to chase away the lifestyle that he lived. he wasn’t that person anymore. he wasn’t the same person that would let his friends piss on other students or set mia up the way he did. 

he thought there was no point of telling you about those things if he wasn’t like that anymore. he starts up his car and heads to the empty household of his. he felt so alone and he’d been so used to you coming with him after school with him he just hated being alone. you told him you didn’t want to speak to him ever again unless he was ready to tell you who he was. he respected that. while he was studying he couldn’t get you off his mind. 

he was thinking of ways he could word it to make it sound less harsh. or maybe he could tell you half the story. or maybe he could only tell you a few other bad things he’s done and call it a day. either way it goes he’d have to tell you something in order to keep from losing his mind. he couldn’t last without you speaking to him. he knew he had to make it up to you. 

even though it was getting sort of late he’d already been conjuring up a couple of ideas. he slipped on his sweatsuit and sneakers and headed to your house. once his car was in park he turns it off and sighs. anything could happen and he was just preparing himself for it. he sucks up his courage and gets out the car.

he was knocking on the front door diligently, patiently waiting for you to answer. hoping you wouldn’t slam it in his face as soon as you saw him. soobin stuffs his hands in his pockets and throws his hood over his head. he heard faint movement behind the door. he grew nervous but he braced himself.

he was surprised to see that it wasn’t you opening the door but instead it was your dad. he furrows his eyebrows weirdly at soobin trying to figure out who he was and what he was even doing there. “who are you?”. he questions suspiciously. soobin bows respectfully. “I’m Choi Soobin sir”. 

“choi soobin? you’re their son?”. 

“yes I am sir”. 

“ah. what business do you have here?”.

“I’m here to speak to your daughter”. 

“what do you want with my daughter? does she know you?”. 

“yes. I’m her boyfriend”. 

his face completely changed, he gives him a shocked expression. 

“boyfriend? when did you become her boyfriend?”.

“we’ve been hanging out these past months and we’ve really been enjoying each other’s company. honestly sir. from there on we decided to date”. 

“without my permission? what do you want with her? she’s not some whore she’s a religious girl. so if you’re getting any ideas then you can---”.

“no ideas. we haven’t had sex and I know she’s not like that. I respect her religious ways. that’s one of the reasons why I fell in love with her in the first place”. 

her dad purses his lips, folding his arms. he was pretty intimidating to be under soobin’s nose at a height of 5′9. 

“so what do you want with my daughter? what are your plans? how do I know your love is genuine?”. 

“I’m really in love with your daughter she makes me so happy I wouldn’t ever hurt her in any way I promise”. 

her father figured soobin was getting way too soft to only want you for sex. but as a dad he could never let his guard down. 

“why do you want to speak with her right now? it’s late”.

soobin sighs, “she’s mad at me and I just want to make things right”. 

“that explains why she’s been locked in her room ever since she came home. what did you do to her?”. 

“I wasn’t always the best person”.

“what do you mean by that?”.

soobin sighs, “you’re religious right? do you have a moment?”. her dad shuts the door behind him. being one of the church leaders, this position had given him the heart to listen to those in need. he didn’t mind at all. and it was a much better feeling that soobin was a person who is comfortable enough to confide in him.

“what’s up?”. 

soobin could only look at the ground feeling sorry for himself. “I just want to--I just want to tell you that I’m not the person I was before. before me and your daughter met I was this horrific misbehaved kid. the treatment I received at home is what I reflected on the kids at school only 10x worse. some of the things I did I admit, I should either be expelled or locked behind bars for. I shouldn’t have done them they were so stupid but at the time the attention I was getting was like a rush for me, you know? The most popular guy in school that every guy wants to be and who ever girl wanted to be with. i lived off of it. +

and to make matter worse I had friends who were the same way, treating people badly just for the attention they’d get. we’d all feed off of each other’s behaviors and it was bad. everything I did is not only coming back to hit me like a ton of bricks but it’s hitting your daughter too. she knew how I was yet she accepted me for it and once i started falling in love with her I never wanted to do those things again. the only thing is she just didn’t--know my whole truth”.

it surprised soobin how rather understanding your dad looked. he was a good listener. much better than his own father. 

“do you mind telling me your whole truth?”. he questions. soobin becomes anxious. 

“there was a crime that me and my friends were involved in. and it had something to do with this girl. it’s horrible and I realize that now which is why i’ve been trying to change. I know after this you may never want me to never go near your daughter again but I just have to tell someone about this”.

her father nodded and thought for a moment. he wasn’t angry like soobin thought he was going to be. “do you want to know something? there are a lot of people who come to church just like you. trying to chase away their past without looking back. trying to shove everything down because they think they’re going to be judged. no matter what you did soobin I’m not going to judge you because I think our savior has really changed you and your heart. I can see it. that isn’t to say you don’t deserve consequences. all of us deserve consequences for some of the things we’ve done in our lives. 

I think what’s important is that you embrace who you were and to stop running from it. confess to your faults even if it hurts”. 

“and what if she leaves me? I know she will”. 

“not if she loves you”.

soobin sighs again. “thank you for listening to me. I really appreciate it”. 

“leaving already? don’t you have some business to take care of?”. 

her dad grins a little. he liked soobin. and he didn’t mind soobin coming to apologize. 

“i figured it was too late for you”. soobin smiles nervously rubbing the back of his neck.

“you shouldn’t let a woman go to bed angry”. his father advises again, until soobin worked up his courage to enter the house. walking up the stairs to your room was heart wrenching. he didn’t know what you were going to say or think. he knocks on your door with his nerves being shot.

 it took only a couple of more soft knocks for you to open the door thinking it was your dad telling you that it was time for you to get to bed. but instead it was soobin. you cross your arms staring up at him with your hair in a messy ponytail, looking as stressed as can be. 

“what do you want? and what are you doing here?”. you say, kind of annoyed. 

“look i’m sorry. alright? i’m sorry. you have to find out all these things from my past and i’m sorry about that. i didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to be involved with that stuff anymore”.

“so you don’t think it would be good to tell me what I was getting myself into before I started dating you?”. 

“you weren’t getting yourself into that you were getting yourself involved with me. I’m not like that anymore”. 

you wiped the tear that was sliding down your cheek. “soobin we’re supposed to be being honest with each other. are you a rapist?”. 

“no I’m not”. 

“then what was taehyun talking about?”. 

“taehyun doesn’t know what he’s talking about. that’s the thing”. 

“why is your name coming up with it anyways?”. 

“because it’s something that my friends did”. 

“you should’ve stopped hanging with them like I told you to. you wouldn’t be in this mess”. 

“I know and I’m sorry”. 

“you’re name must be trashed around the school, everyone must be labeling you as a rapist now. how do they even know what happened with your friends?”.

“I know. yeonjun was the only person who knew what happened. words could’ve spread”. you held your arms crossed and sighed. 

“you need to get yourself together soobin. like honestly”. 

“i’m trying i really am. just please forgive me okay? please?”. 

you stare at him with an annoyed expression and he bends down to kiss you on your lips. 

“I’m sorry”. he apologizes again. you’re still staring at him wondering if you should forgive him or not. he didn’t let you get the chance to think melting his lips into yours every chance he got. your door was now closed and you were pinned against the wall with your legs wrapped around soobin’s waist and his dainty lips were sucking hickies into your neck. your breathing was getting heavy. you knew your dad was still awake though, so you gripped soobin’s wrists. 

“sssoobin we have to stop my dad can hear us”. you mumbled. “I don’t want to”. he groans. “no really, he’ll kill us both. you have to go”. you warn. it was one thing if your dad approved of soobin but it was another thing if he could hear you two making out under the roof of his house. 

“why can’t I stay the night?”. 

“because you know what will happen”. soobin huffs his breath and lets go of you letting you slide to the ground on your feet. “fine”. he whines like a child. “I’ll see you tomorrow”. you grin. 

╲╱❀╲╱╲╱❀╲╱╲╱❀╲╱

“yeonjun!”. you call out. soobin had just gone to his next exam and you had a few words for yeonjun if you did say so yourself. he looks back, noticing it was you and then scoffs. “what the hell do you want?”. 

“why are you spreading rumors behind soobin’s back?! some friend you are”.

“what are you talking about?”. 

“you know what I’m talking about. you’re spreading rumors labeling soobin as a rapist knowing it wasn’t him that did it. how about you mind your business alright? he’s already going through enough he doesn’t need you screwing up anything else”. 

“no one is spreading rumors about him, first off. how about you mind your fucking business instead?”.

“you’re so two faced. pretending like you’re a good person to him but you’re really throwing dirt on his name every chance you get. stay away from him”. 

yeonjun chuckles, “do you ever think before you speak? or you just let your dumb ass mouth say what it wants?”.

you glared into his bold eyes with anger. “soobin told me what happened”. 

“oh yeah? what did he tell you?”. 

“that he wasn’t the one who raped that girl it was his friends”.

“and who was the girl may I ask? since you know so much?”.

“that doesn’t matter”. 

“yes it does sherlock holmes. the girl was mia. did you know that?”. 

your heart sank. you stepped back a little. yeonjun chuckles again at the shock in your eyes. “and no, your precious boyfriend didn’t rape her. you’re actually right about that”. 

“but he was the one who set her up to get raped in the first place. did you know that as well?”. he questioned coldly. 

no, it wasn’t true. soobin would never do anything like that. you wouldn’t dare to believe it. 

“you’re such a liar”. you spat. “you’ll do anything to make soobin the bad guy huh? what do you want? popularity points?”.

yeonjun approaches you, grabbing your arms and pinning them over your head against the wall so you were now physically stuck in his gaze. your heart raced at how much stronger he was. he used his long thick tongue to lick a trail from your jaw to your lips, he stuck his tongue in your mouth shamelessly and gave you the sloppiest tongue kiss you’ve ever had. he smirks at your scared reaction before kissing you again. 

“what the hell do I have to lie for?”. he growls.

[mymymadeline]

•Friendly Dark

gif by: @chrishemsworht​​

pairing: Hallmark Christmas Movie Au! Poe Dameron x Reader 

word count: 6.9k+ words 

summary: 

warnings: alcohol cw

Adore You series: 01, 02, 03, 04, ... - AO3

Even though you’re on vacation, you are far from exempt from your work. And nothing is proving that more than the headache you nurse as you continue pouring over document after document on your tablet. Numbers and figures, charts and graphs, blueprints and sketches, even interviews and gossip articles – they’re all blending together after staring at the screen for what’s likely been hours. 

Snoke’s call the night before was not a social one – they never are. He was going on about some acquisition Kylo’s been trying to make for the past few months, and apparently, he was missing something crucial, which is where you usually come in. The two of you have always been a team for a reason. He was more of the passion and ideas, whereas you were better with relations and logistics. 

Snoke had immediately sent over hundreds of digital files for you to go through and find… well something. Most likely some kind of professional blackmail. Some kind of small violation or incident that would really be such a shame if it came to the media's attention. You know, the usual. 

So far, everything they’ve done is up to code, as far as you can tell. But Snoke won’t take no for an answer. He’d have your head for it. So you continue looking through page after page, searching for some dirt, searching for any kind of upper hand on the competition. 

After coming back in that night while on the phone with Snoke, you blew past your parents and went straight up to your room, where you’ve been for almost the entirety of this Sunday. You couldn’t even face them after that absolute embarrassment of an evening. And though this morning you did stalk around the house if only to get a thing or two to eat, you pointedly ignored your mother, only giving your father a small silent nod of acknowledgment. 

Stealing away to your room for a full day of silent, frustrating work was not exactly your idea of a fun vacation back home, but neither was last night. Just the thought of running into Poe again makes you squeeze your eyes shut in embarrassment and stress. He probably thinks you’re an idiot now. Probably never wants to see you again. And who could blame him if he did? 

If you were a different woman, you’d probably have shed a few embarrassed tears in the solitude of your room, but that wasn’t you. Not anymore. So you rub your eyes once again, and get back to work.

You’re back to staring at a tax filing by the company’s CEO from seventeen years ago when a notification pops up at the top of your screen.

Unknown Number

hey! its rose! i got ur number from when you called the shop lol hope thats not creepy

i was wondering if ur busy tonight? i was thinking of getting drinks w/ some friends at Kanata’s! wanna come? i can pick u up since ur ride is chopped ;)

You blink back at the notification. Drinks? At Kanata’s? 

You can’t remember the last time you actually went out with a group of friends, especially for fun. Taking clients you and Kylo were wooing out to dinner was a common occurrence. But fun? They were never.

Another wave of anxiety washes over you. Friends? Who were these friends? Would they like you? Did you know them? Maybe it would be better to just stay and finish your work. Nothing could go wrong if you did that.

You open the message, absolutely ready to type an excuse why you can’t come, when there’s a gentle knock at your door. You already recognize it as your mother by the way she knocks even before she calls out gently. 

“Love? You in there?”

“I’m here.” You leave your voice flat and emotionless. You need her to know you’re still mad.

“Can… Can I come in?” 

‘No’ dances on the tip of your tongue for a strong moment, but the uncertainty in her soft voice gives you pause. 

“...Okay.”

The door clicks open slowly and your mother pokes her head in, a small, nervous smile affecting her features. You only look at her blankly from your nest of blankets and pillows that have been on your bed since high school.

She steps more fully into the room, closing the door behind her most of the way. She leaves it open just a little, giving the both of you some air to breathe, but also, in a way, making sure not to lock herself in a cage with a wounded animal. 

And she approaches you like one–cautious, hands visible and apologetic. You huff, curled up in the corner of your bed, and try to look anywhere but at her. But she’s hard to avoid as she sits gently on the far edge of your bed and pulls her hands into her lap, looking down and rolling them over one another contemplatively. You two sit like this for a moment, simmering in the uncomfortable tension, but like hell you’re the one with anything to apologize for. 

She lets out a deep sigh. “I’m… so, so sorry… about my behavior last night. I suppose I just… wasn’t handling your absence as well as I thought I was.”

Despite the small sorrow your heart finds at her small and broken tone, the anger–rage even– that has been boiling since the night before claws desperately to be let out. You breathe deeply, and do your best to keep it still in its place. But that doesn’t exclude the fury that seeps into your quiet voice, as you level your gaze with hers.

“Mom, that was the most embarrassing thing that has happened to me in my entire professional career. I need you to know this.”

She nods understandingly and looks back to her fiddling hands. “Yes. I know. And I couldn’t be sorry enough. I realized...I– I don’t know how to be your mother anymore.” You blink at this. A terrible lurch in your gut crawls into your throat at the sight of the tears silently beginning their descent down her cheeks. “I don’t know what to do for you when you're a grown woman who’s accomplished so much on her own without me. I miss you, but I’m not really sure I know you anymore.”

She looks up suddenly at you, her face twisted with grief and regret.

“I didn’t mean it like that… I-”

You stop her, shaking your head, swallowing the lump in your throat, willing the sudden strange wetness in your eyes away. Your voice comes out more choked up than you wish. But whatever wall was up is quickly crumbling away.

“No… Mom, I think I understand.” You look down at your own hands now, picking at your nails nervously, silently discovering the lineage of this habit of yours. You smile sadly at the thought. “I feel that way too sometimes… about myself.”

“Oh, love.” Your mother reaches out, placing her hand on your foot, the only part of you she can reach, and squeezes it gently. She smiles sweetly, her eyes and cheeks still wet, though she’s wiped away the tears.

“You’re not my little girl anymore… but you’re still my daughter, and I’ll love you no matter what.”

You nod, suppressing a sniff as you rub at your nose. She squeezes your foot one more time before standing up and making her way back to the door. She reaches for the handle when you call out. 

“I love you, Mom.”

The smile she sends you is genuine, heartfelt, and warming to your core. It makes you realize how much you truly missed your mother, even if she had her difficulties. “I love you too, girlie.”

With that, she closes the door, leaving you alone with your tablet and the unanswered message. But you know your response now. 

Me

Sounds fun! Let me know what time. I’d love to come, if you’ll have me.

You begin entering Rose’s information into your contacts and her response is almost immediate.

Rose Tico

duuuh! ill get u at like 8ish? and we’ll meet them there! cant wait!

You look down at the message and can’t help but feel a little more at home. 

______________

 You run a hand through your hair, adjusting your outfit for the hundredth time. You’ve opted for something more casual tonight. Something a little more friendly, approachable. You suddenly frown at your reflection. You don’t need these people’s approval. Well, no. But it wouldn’t be so bad to be friendly for once would it?

The two voices in your head continue to battle it out, leaving you frozen in the mirror, desperately trying to understand how you feel in this moment. Anxious? Perhaps. Regretful of accepting this invitation? Maybe. 

Your phone chirps, lighting up on your desk. Glancing over, you see it’s Rose. You don’t need to read it to know it’s just her announcing her arrival, but you pick it up anyway, settling down on your bed and slipping on your shoes as you open the message.

Rose Tico

here!!! right in front lol

Me

One moment!

You lace up your boots quickly, practically sprinting out of your room and down the stairs, snatching up your long coat on the way. 

“I’m headed out, I won’t be back until you guys are already in bed. So, goodnight.”

You call out to the living room as you pull on the coat, your parents turning from their seats on the couch, eyeing you with interest.

“And where are you going this late, young lady?” Your father questions sarcastically, raising an eyebrow.

“Out with friends,” you rush, already halfway out the door, spotting Rose in her car and giving a small wave. “Love you, bye!”

Half-jogging down the steps, you cross quickly but cautiously through the snow-laden yard, careful not to slip. As you close the gate behind you, Rose is already opening the passenger door from the inside, beckoning you in.

“Get inside, it’s freezing!”

You allow yourself a small laugh and slide into the seat next to her. Pulling the door closed, you look around, taking in the space of the car, as she starts it back up and pulls away from the curb. 

Like most things in The Base, it’s worn and old, peeling and chafed, likely held together with duct tape and love. But despite all of its imperfections, it’s not only comfortable, it’s cozy. It’s warm and personal, every dent containing a story, every mile meaningful. 

You can’t help but think back to the chill rigid efficiency of your TIE. Sure, it gets the job done, and is mighty stylish while it does so, but you’ve never felt like it was yours. Never felt anything but cool indifference for its sleek lines and dark exterior. 

“So, you’re looking snazzy tonight.” Rose pulls you out of your thoughts with her cheery tone. 

You look down at your outfit, once again tugging at its hems. 

“Am I? I was actually trying to dress down.”

She laughs at that. “You think that’s dressing down? No way, this is dressing down.” She takes one hand off the wheel, gesturing at her own attire: A brown button-up with a sewn name tag and a pair of dark cargo pants. Likely the uniform she wore to work today. Her cool attitude and smooth voice put you at ease, and you can feel your guard begin to lower. 

“I like this on you,” you quietly praise. You pick at your nails, continuing, “Don’t take this the wrong way, please, but… I admire that you can wear clothes like that and feel comfortable. I feel like I have to dress up all the time, no matter what. I don’t know… I- Nevermind.”

You look up at Rose and she pulls her eyes away from the road for a moment to give you a meaningful look. She nods sympathetically, her previous lightness replaced by understanding. She realizes the weight of this seemingly minor admission.

“I get it, I do.” She gives you a soothing smile. “I just hope you can feel comfortable here… with us. We like having you back, even if just for a moment.”

Still smiling, she turns back to the wheel with a light shrug. “Plus, this isn’t Canto Bight. You’ll look great no matter what.”

You groan, half sardonic, half-serious. “Oh, please don’t remind me. You know, I thought I was a vulture, but those people,” you give an audible shiver. “They’re something else.”

Rose laughs melodically. “Oh, do tell.”

______________

 The ride to the bar is short, the car only really needed for warmth, but the company is appreciated. Rose laughs along to your story of once attempting to cover for Kylo’s drunken rage in front of investors, and while it was a very unamusing situation at the time, you find yourself chuckling with her. 

“Well, that’s why we don’t let him have Bespin Fizzes anymore.”

Rose giggles at that, before piping up in her seat a little. “There it is!”

The bar comes into view just ahead, a familiar neon sign reading Kanata’s hanging overhead a small brick building. The parking lot is compact, but practically full, reminding you just how small the town is, as Kanata’s is the only real bar in the whole Base, and as such, is the town’s favorite happy hour hangout. 

She leans up the dashboard, pointing to an old, grey, junky Corellian that’s as familiar to the town as the bar. 

“There’s the Falcon,” she points out with a smile, though you don’t need her to tell which car it is. “They’re here.”

You nod, smiling at the old hunk of junk fondly, before suddenly realizing what the Falcon’s presence implies. She pulls up to the spot next to it as you turn to her.

“Wait, we’re getting drinks with Han? ” You try not to sound upset, only curious, but Rose reads your panic easily. 

“No, silly,” she giggles, and seems to dodge the question, stepping out of the car. You quickly follow behind, stepping out into the chill night air. Closing the doors, Rose rounds the car and you trail next to her, past the Falcon and towards the bar's entrance. She continues her explanation without you having to ask. 

“About five years ago, Han gave the Falcon away.”

“He gave it away? Why would he do that? To who?” 

She pushes open the door, leading you into the dimly lit bar, which you only now realize with its unfamiliar interior, that you never stuck around to be old enough to actually enter it. The lights are low, yellow and red, but not unwelcoming, in fact creating a warm atmosphere. It’s brightest around the bar itself, with neon and string lights, as patrons sit on the stools, chatting over the low playing jukebox on the far side of the room. Near it are a couple of pool tables, busy with players in the middle of games. A few locals drink in booths against the walls, however Rose leads you towards the high tables and stools in the middle of the room. You’re scanning the bar for anyone you recognize when you finally see where she’s leading you– to the only couple occupying the tables, and your heart drops into your stomach as your fight or flight instinct kicks in. 

“To them!” Rose points but once again you don’t need her helpful hand to see what you need to.

At the table is a girl you don’t recognize with a sweet face and dark hair, but it’s the familiar face next to her that makes you want to run.

Finn, your old classmate, but more importantly your old employee, sits smiling and laughing, casual as anything. You knew Finn left First Order – on very bad terms, one would be remiss to forget – after a fateful trip home for somewhere less cutthroat and competitive, but you thought that meant somewhere like Alderaan. You didn’t think he’d come back, and you certainly didn’t think you’d actually see him here.  

Rose doesn’t notice your hesitation, continuing to pull you forward and calling out to her friends. She catches their attention, waving, and you brace for the moment of impact. 

Finn is going to be mad that you’re here. He’s going to be furious. He’s going to stand up and yell at Rose about how awful of a person you are and make sure nobody in this town will even so much as smile at you ever again. He’s going to laugh in your face and tell you to go back to Coruscant and you’ll do it because you’re so deeply embarrassed.

The girl turns first, smiling and waving back at Rose. She grins brightly at you as well, obviously unfamiliar but still friendly. Finn turns second with an easy expression, glancing at you briefly before doing a double-take. His face falls, but not into anger like you expect. It drops to confusion, like he’s making sure it’s you, which then turns into half-smug disbelief, a bewildered smile taking over his features. 

Finn speaks first. “No-freaking-way.”

Tension still wracks your body as he steps off the stool, meeting you and Rose in front of the table. Rose looks between the two of you before dropping your hand and covering her eyes.

“Oh my God, I totally forgot about the whole…” She looks to you apologetically, not towards Finn, which confuses you. “I’m so sorry I forgot to say.”

“No, I- it’s okay. I just hope I’m not intruding.” It seems that this town just loves to leave you at a loss for words.

Finn laughs, seemingly completely at ease. “Not unless you’re here to talk about work. Or to try to win me back.”

“God, no. Not that we wouldn’t love to have you back but,” you glance quickly at the friendly girl still sitting at the table, obviously confused. “I understand that you’re much happier here.”

“That I am.”

“Then that’s all I care about.”

Rose absolutely buzzes with energy at the exchange. “Yay! So we’re all still friends and everything?” Her hands are clasped and her hopeful eyes flicker back and forth between the two of you. 

You turn your gaze back to Finn, hoping that you look as genuine as he does. “I hope so.”

“I don’t see any reason why not,” He smiles warmly at you, offering his hand. “Besides, you weren’t exactly the one that left me with a bad taste in my mouth.”

You take his hand easily, and just barely manage to quell your surprise when he uses it to tug you into a warm hug. The recent bombardment of hugs you’ve received in the past few days is the only thing that gets your arms moving properly, wrapping loosely around Finn for a moment before you part. 

As you pull back, an awkwardness comes to hang in the air as a silence settles between the four of you. You suddenly remember the girl at the table seemingly the same moment that Finn does. He pipes up, turning towards her and half leading you to the table where they were sitting. 

“Right, uh, Rey, I’d like you to meet an old friend of mine.” 

You extend a hand and introduce yourself to the woman, Rey, and she lets out an awkward laugh as she takes it. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. I was a bit, erm, hesitant to intrude on the moment. Seems like there’s a lot of history going on here.”

“Oh, you have no idea,” Finn laughs before his nose scrunches up in thought. “Actually, you might have some idea. You know the place I used to work before we met?”

Rey’s face twists in disgust. “You mean that awful tech company? God, you couldn’t stop talking about how awful it was for almost a year. Must’ve been terrible. Did you work there too?” 

She looks to you as your cheeks heat up and you can't help the grimace that creeps into your expression. “I actually still do.” 

Finn opens his mouth but Rey beats him to it. “Oh no, that must be awful. What do you do? Get yelled at all day by some tall blonde woman like Finn did?” She chuckles at her own joke, but she’s the only one. Finn and Rose look like they’d rather be anywhere else. Probably at the bar. With strong drinks. Yet, you feel a chill indifference wash over you. The one you feel whenever you walk through the doors of the First Order offices and meetings. 

“Actually I’m the COO.”

Rey’s jaw slackens with the shock, mouth starting and stopping any words she attempts to get out. “I… I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it that way.” Finn has his head fully in his hands and Rose looks like she might die. But you smile softly.

“It’s okay. I’ve heard far worse before. From people whose opinions were far more important.”

The urge to storm out tugs at your gut but your feet stay planted. It’s strange. You’re not quite sure what emotion it is that you’re feeling exactly. There’s anger, but it’s the blow to your pride that fuels it. There’s certainly embarrassment. Mostly, you realize it’s guilt. Guilt that the company you worked so hard to build has hurt people - people that you care about. You knew it happened, probably every day, probably right at this moment, but being faced with the conversations that people must be having behind your back… It hurts. It hurts in many directions. 

“Drinks!” Rose chirps loudly, desperate to break the tension. “I’ll go get us some drinks!”

She spins on a dime and immediately heads towards the bar. Looking between you and Rey, Finn gulps. “She’ll probably need some… help with those…” He’s immediately out of his chair and trailing behind Rose. 

Rey sits quietly, a thoughtful look on her face as you finally take a seat on the stool across from her. The silence hangs for a moment as the jukebox croons quietly in the background. 

“I really didn’t mean it that way,” Rey starts quietly. “It’s just…” She leans towards you, elbows resting in front of her on the table. Her eyes are earnest, kindness pouring forth. “Finn was miserable when we met in Jakku. Work was stressing him out to no end, but mostly… he felt like he was hurting people. He had a stable and successful job but… what did it cost him? All he ever wanted to do was help people.” She sighs, and a small smile tugs at her lips. “I like to think I helped him, but really, he knew all along what he had to do. I’m so grateful that we’re both here now, working with the kids, helping people where it feels like it really matters. I can’t speak for you, but it sounds like you’re proud of your company, and I’m glad but… It just wasn’t right for Finn. I hope I haven’t offended you.”

You’re momentarily stunned by her small speech. Not just the words but her honesty. You can tell from the tone of her voice just how much she cares for Finn and how much she believes in their cause. You find a small stain on the table, gazing at it intensely in thought. You’ve just wanted to help people too, all your life, but making something of yourself always came first it seemed. You told yourself you were helping people, creating new things that made so many people’s lives easier, donating intensely to charities, but how many people were you hurting on the way? How many times can you tell yourself that some eggs must be cracked to make an omelette? How many people have you screwed over, blackmailed, and outright stolen from? How many shady people have you bought from or sold to? How many things have you ignored or swept under the carpet just to keep business running as usual?

“If it helps… Finn always spoke highly of you.” 

You look up as Rey draws you out of your thoughts, something she obviously picks up on going by her smile. 

“Well… He’s a good man. A good friend before he was an employee… I didn’t mean what I said either - about your opinion not mattering. That’s not true, I just…” You trail off, but look up to find comfort and forgiveness in her warm expression. You give her a small genuine smile of your own. “Maybe we should just start over.”

You extend a hand, introducing yourself and she does the same, laughing lightly as she does so. At that moment, Rose and Finn come shuffling over, each balancing a tray with a few colorful drinks and rounds of shots. Placing the trays on the table, Finn eyes your smiles and parting hands. 

“Are you guys… Is everything good now?”

You nod, laughing. “Yes, I think we just got off on the wrong foot.”

“And we’re just here to have a good time and hang out - no work talk.” Rey winks at Finn. He lets out a hearty laugh, clapping you two on the back. 

“Oh, you two are good.”

“Actually, there’s one more thing,” Rose cuts in. She looks absolutely tickled pink, poorly suppressing her roguish grin. Finn and Rey raise an eyebrow in unison, seemingly used to this behavior. 

Rose giggles, “I invited Poe!” 

You instantly feel your heart rate pick up and a gentle heat rise in your cheeks, but it seems your the only one excited about this development. Rey only sighs with an unamused laugh. Rolling his eyes, Finn shakes his head, “That’s not exactly a surprise.” He turns to you. “She invites him out every time. And every time he says no. ‘Too busy.’”

“He never just relaxes,” Rey chimes in. “We’re constantly inviting him out, even inviting ourselves into the shop occasionally, but he’s just so dedicated to his work. It’d be admirable if it wasn’t so annoying.”

“Yeah yeah yeah,” Rose waves her hands around, as if attempting to dispel the negative comments in the air before they reach you. “BUT… I told him a certain special someone was gonna be here!” 

Finn and Rey both turn to you, Rey holding an expression of curiosity and Finn looking at you with new eyes, the gears turning almost visibly in his head. Did she mean you? Everyone seems to be looking at you expectantly so… she must be. Sure, Poe seems to like you well enough but… This is behavior that seems to have been going on for years. How could your presence possibly change that?

“Wh- Me?” You ask, turning to Rose at a sudden loss for words. “Why- What makes me special?”

Rose rolls her eyes so hard her head can’t help but follow. “You are so oblivious. And so special.”

Finn nods, with a grin you can only describe as ‘shit-eating.’ 

“Of course.” He bites his lip deviously. “This is gonna be so fun.”

“Really wha-”

You’re cut off by the sound of the blowing snow and wind as the door creaks open behind you. As if on cue, each of your heads swivel to the entrance to see the door swinging shut behind Poe shaking the snowflakes out of his hair, cheeks ruddy from the outside cold. He looks up from tugging his gloves off to see the four of you gawking at him. If he can tell he just walked in on a discussion of himself, he doesn’t show it. He practically beams at the four of you, but lets his eyes settle on yours.

“Hey guys.”

“This is gonna be so fun,” You hear Finn whisper behind you. 

You fail miserably at trying to hide your smile, but you know it’s for the best. 

______________

 “God, I know it’s embarrassing but... that’s so funny.” Rey chuckles with red cheeks, thoroughly amused.

“But it’s so embarrassing,” You exclaim, a little louder than you’re usually comfortable with but the drinks you’ve been slowly consuming for the past two hours have loosened your tongue just a bit. 

Finn continues to shake his head in laughter. “I do love your mom, though. I wanna thank her for that one. A proper Base welcome.”

“C’mon, it really wasn’t so bad,” Poe laughs. 

Once he’d arrived, everyone made quick work of getting him a drink and dragging over a stool, planting him firmly and snuggly between you and Rose. Small pleasantries and catching up eventually turned into you and Poe recounting the previous night's dinner and conversation at the strong behest of the rest of the group. It mostly consisted of you complaining and apologizing to Poe and him simply laughing it off, attempting to placate your worries. Finn, Rey, and Rose simply watched in entertainment, soaking up every juicy detail. 

“Really, you have to stop beating yourself up about it. You’ll drive yourself insane.” Poe places a hand on your shoulder, sending a little shiver of electricity through your body that you desperately try to curb. You look down at his hand on your shoulder and are struck with the desire to see it as often as possible. Meeting his eyes, they are warm and kind and cause you to immediately lose whatever it was you were going to just say. You are now very aware of just how buzzed you are. 

“I’ll… I’ll try.” You give him a small smile and he accepts it readily, his own smile growing. Over your shoulder, Finn must catch his eye because he swiftly turns his head back to his drink on the table and clears his throat. His hand gives you a small pat and quickly retreats back to his lap. His hand makes a loose fist and you miss its warmth. 

“Well,” Rose starts. “It’s getting late and I am so beat. I should get going.” 

Rose gives a meaningful glance at Finn and Rey, “Isn’t it a school night? You guys should get going too. Don’t want to have to show a video tomorrow.”

Finn’s eyes widen a bit and Rey nods fervently. 

“Yes, absolutely. You’re so right, Rose.” Finn begins standing up from his stool. “C’mon, Rey, we should be off.”

Those fucking conspirators. You know you should be grateful - they’re trying very hard to set you up with your high school crush - but all you can feel is panic. You’re an expert at talking to people, from brokering deals to conducting yourself in interviews and even giving presentations, you’ve trained and practiced in the art of discussion. But for some reason, just being in the same room as Poe makes your brain short circuit. Your mind constantly pulls back and forth whether to close off and shut him out or loosen up and actually let him in. It’s barely been three days but it feels like so much longer. And that’s terrifying.

“Uh-Wh- Are you guys okay to drive?” You sputter.

Finn sends you a reassuring smile as he grabs Rey by the shoulders, “Rey might not be in any state to drive, but I’m totally fine. I’ve had maybe two drinks in the past couple hours. Don’t worry.” 

Rose is off her stool too, gathering her coat. “Could you maybe drop me off too? I’d just walk but it’s so damn cold.”

“No problem, Rose.”

“What about me? I’m supposed to walk then?” You interject, flustered. “Rose, you drove me here.”

Rose gives an exaggerated look of cluelessness, giving you a shrug before looking over at Poe.

Breaking his momentary silence, Poe gives you a nod. “Yeah, I can give you a ride if you want.” 

You can only nod along. “Yeah, that sounds good. Thank you.”

Rose lets out a little squeal, scrambling over to give you a kiss on the cheek and skip out the door, calling out goodbyes over her shoulder. You can’t help but roll your eyes and laugh along with Finn and Rey, both of them giving you and Poe sidehugs before taking their exit as well. 

As the doors swing shut and the silence between you settles, you glance around at the bar. There are about half as many people as there were a few hours ago but the place doesn’t feel empty by any means. The few patrons still mill about, some playing pool, some chatting at the bar. You sigh contently at the sight, something Poe catches as he watches you.

“Good to be home?”

You look over, momentarily studying his handsome features in the warm lights as you try to figure out how to answer his question. 

“I don’t know. Like I said before, it’s not really home. And yet it is.”

He nods, thinking for a second. “But are you happy to be here?”

You eye him, a small smile tugging at your lips. “I’m starting to be.”

“Well, I’ll drink to that.” He grins, holding up his bottle. You meet his with your own, both taking a swig with a smile.

As you settle your drinks back on the table, Poe leans over with a lowered voice. Your pulse thrums in your veins. “You know, I actually had a great time last night, so there’s nothing to worry about.”

You sigh with chagrin, momentarily closing your eyes to rub at the spot between your brows. 

“Well, I’m glad you had so much fun at my expense.” 

Poe leans away, shutting his eyes in his own embarrassment. 

“That’s not what I meant, I’m sorry.”

You chuckle lightly, a sound that gets Poe to open one eye before breaking into a smile, laughing with you. He leans in again, still smiling but a serious tone overtakes him.

“I really understand if you don’t want to talk about it but… What was your mother talking about… with Ben?”

You feel like a bucket of water has been dumped on you, ruining the easy-going mood you’d let slowly wash over you for the past few hours, but when you look at him, you can’t help but want to tell him everything.

“I just… I’ve only heard bits and pieces about what happened after you graduated. You really… disappeared.”

“Not disappeared,” you say quietly, with grit in your voice. “They just started paying attention to me somewhere else.”

“I paid attention to you,” Poe murmurs. When you catch his eye, he corrects himself. “I mean, we all did.”

You smile sadly, “Yeah, this is different.”

Poe gently knocks your shoulder with his, making you let out a snicker. Glancing over, Poe levels you with a genuine look, with soft eyes and a smile. “I get the feeling you don’t talk about your life often. So, tell me about it.”

He’s right. You never talk about your life, you certainly never regale your story to whoever asks. Doing that requires you to be vulnerable, it requires self-reflection and introspection. It requires you to think about things that you’ve long locked away inside. But… 

“Well, I’m not sure how well you remember, or if you ever noticed but… no one ever really talked to me. Then one day, Ben did. No one ever really talked to him either, so we made a fast pair. He was odd... but he was a real friend to me. I wouldn’t have traded that for anything.”

Poe nods understandably, encouraging you to keep going. 

“We decided to stick together. We got into Imperial University together and got out as quickly as we could. Neither of us… We couldn’t stay here, not with what we planned on doing with our lives. This town… it just wasn’t for us.”

“Yeah, I hear that a lot. I get that, too.” Poe takes a drink.

“You do?”

He laughs softly. “Yeah, but that’s a story for another time. Keep going.”

“We learned at school that we worked really well together. Our mentor Snoke realized that, too. He led us, taught us, molded us. He helped us build our company, First Order Tech. He was our first investor, he still sits on the board of directors. Kylo… Ben may be the CEO, but Snoke is still in charge of both of us to this day. It’s our company, we created it from the ground up but… We still bow to him.”

You shake your head. Time for the hard part. Might as well get it out quick and easy.

“Somewhere along the way… I don’t know if it was love. It wasn’t love how it should be - I can tell you that. But, Ben and I… were together. And then he proposed. I don’t think it was because he wanted to. I think he just thought… he was supposed to. Just the natural progression of our lives, I guess.”

You don’t realize you’re crying until the teardrops reach your chin, where they hang heavily before dropping onto your lap. You quickly wipe them away, as Poe once again places a hand on your back, but this time it stays there, his thumb rubbing comfortably back and forth.

“You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to. It’s okay.”

“I just,” You sniffle, wiping your nose. Way to break down just as he was warming up to you, kiddo. “I’ve never talked about this before, not really. I don’t even think I’ve ever cried over this before.”

“Anyway, I somehow became lucid enough to call it off a few months before the wedding.” 

You sniff wetly and press the backs of your hands to your eyes, your makeup no doubt ruined by now. Poe’s thumb keeps its motion.

“I just wanted it so bad,” Your voice cracks. The lump that had been caught in your throat breaks free in the form of a sob. “I let myself be blind because I…”

Your hands are shaking and tears run freely down your face.

“I wanted to be loved. And I thought that’s how I would get it. But I woke up.” 

You drop your hands onto the table, taking a deep breath to steady yourself. You clench your fists and your voice no longer trembles.

“And I’m glad I did. We’re both better people for it.”

Only now do you chance a look at Poe. You had kept your gaze down, too scared to find what his expression might be, too scared to read his thoughts on his face. But his hand had stayed planted, comforting you. That had to mean something, right?

Looking up, you see only his warm gaze that had assured you deeply enough to get you talking in the first place. It carries a sadness, a kind of worry in the crease between his slightly upturned brows. But you find no disgust. No pity. 

“I wish I knew what to say.”

You chuckle wetly, “You don’t have to say anything. I understand that it’s a lot.”

His hand makes a broad stroke across your back as he leans in once again. 

“There’s actually a lot of things I want to say, but I’m sure you’d hate all of them considering they all sound like condescending things your mom has probably said to you over the years.”

A genuine laugh bubbles out of you at this, a bright smile pulling up your wet mascara stained cheeks. Seeing this, Poe can’t help a smile of his own.

“Things like ‘you’re so brave’ and ‘you poor thing’?” You giggle.

He chuckles, “Yeah something like that, the usuals.”

“Well thank you for sparing me.”

“No problem.” He pauses for a moment. “But really, thank you for telling me.”

He sounds like he means it.

“Thank you for listening, Poe.”

And so do you.

You sit like that just for a moment, gazing at each other. You take in the small details, admiring the creases around his eyes, the shape of his jaw, the curls in his hair. He seems to be taking you in as well, his eyes flickering across your features. You see them linger on the stains of your cheeks, turning your head away subconsciously. 

“Ready to go?” He asks softly. 

You smile and nod, wiping at your nose with your sleeve. “Yeah, I think I’m ready.”

You wobble just a bit as you get up from your seat, but Poe’s hand is still there to steady you. It stays there as you walk to the door. Stepping out into the cold, you instinctively huddle against him, a move he readily accepts as you walk.

“I’m not always a sad drunk, I promise.”

You feel the rumble of his chest as he laughs gently at your small joke.

“Don’t worry. I believe you.”

The ride is comfortably silent, except for the low hum of the radio as you drive. Pulling up to your house, you want to say something, do something, to thank him for what he did tonight. For driving you home, for listening to you and comforting you as you practically sobbed in his arms, for coming to the bar at all, supposedly just because you were there. 

But you don’t do anything.

“I’ll see you around,” is all you say. 

You hear him swallow as he nods. “Yeah, I’ll… I’ll see you.”

When you finally slink upstairs and collapse in your bed, you still feel the phantom touch of Poe’s hand across your back. 

-

notes: Whew! Thank you SO much for reading and thanks to all the people who stuck around! It’s been such a long and hard year and I hope everyone is doing okay. I’m determined to make this year great and I hope you all will join me!

I understand it’s been forever so if you’re on the taglist and would like to taken off it, hit me up and I’ll totally understand - and if you’re not on the taglist and would like to be leave a reply or send me a message! love you all <3

taglist: @ikbenplant @jamesdeerest​​ @fortheloveoflamp @operation-spot @asianravenpuff @whovianayesha @ultrunning @nowheredreamer @honestlyjustwow​ @badwolf-212 (for some reason i can never tag you properly :( ) 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hello sex witch! i've been a bit confused lately. the thought of sex or engaging in sexual activity has always given me really bad anxiety, to the point where I end up feeling physically ill. but I still sometimes feel the desire to look at sex related stuff, but immediately feel terrible after looking at any of it. I don't think sex is bad or anything, and it's really distressing that something normal causes me so much anxiety. do you know what could be causing this, or how to manage it? ty

hi anon,

this is a big question! let’s try to break it down piece by piece!

first off, it’s perfectly okay to not want to engage in sexual activity, for any reason. if the reason is “thinking about it makes me physically ill,” that’s okay. I would personally recommend that nobody does anything that makes them that anxious! it doesn’t mean that you secretly think sex is evil, it just means it’s not something that’s healthy for you personally to be engaging in. what a good thing to recognize about yourself!

again, just want to emphasize this here: it’s okay to have anxiety about something ‘normal.’ everyone’s normal is different, and there are hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people who are made uncomfortable any number of things that you probably think are entirely unremarkable. I’m not saying it’s not something to address with a mental health professional if you want, but I also don’t want you to think that there’s somehow something wrong with you for feeling this way. 

secondly: it’s also completely normal to be interested in looking at content relating to things that you personally wouldn’t want to take part in, or even particularly want to happen in real life. I really like Octavia Butler’s Fledgling, but I don’t particularly want to live in a psychic vampire sex cult. hell, I kind of like learning about real, non-vampire cults, but again - doesn’t mean I think they’re good or want to be in one. big difference!

so, why are you feeling yucky after looking at sex related material? (is it porn, anon? you can tell me if it’s porn. we’re broadly pro-porn in my little corner of the internet.) well, I can’t give you a single answer, because I don’t live in your head, but I can take a few educated guesses.

we’ve already established that sexual activity causes you a lot of anxiety. sometimes it can be difficult to resist the urge to look at something even if you know it might not be good for you. I think it’s sort of the mental equivalent of poking at your lip when it’s cracked, doing it over and over again even though you know there’s going to be a little pinprick of pain each time because the sensation is just sort of fascinating. 

I’ve certainly been known to partake in this somewhat irresponsible behavior. here are a few things that cause me varying degrees of anxiety: dead animals on the road, deep sea fish with too many teeth, the very existence of climate change. but sometimes when I’m on a walk and happen on a dead animal I stare at it for way too long anyway, or if I find a cool article about deep sea fish with too many teeth I read the entire thing, and boy howdy do I like genre fiction that takes place in the future after climate change has thoroughly trashed our lil planet. and sometimes I end up laying awake, desperately waiting for my melatonin to kick in, ruminating on that dead animal/fucked up fish/climate change, and I have to ask myself, was that worth it? 

(usually yes with the fish and the climate change, because I get to learn new things and read good books. sometimes even yes with the roadkill, honestly, because every time I see a decomposing deer I’m like ‘damn, I could make a really weird short story out of this.’)

anyway, what I’m getting at here is that it may be time to sit down and have a real hard conversation with yourself about whether your interest in sexual content is worth the way you’re going to feel afterwards. I can’t answer that for you, of course, but from what you’ve told me it sounds like the answer might be no.  

you may want to dig a little further than that - maybe there’s a particular kind of sexual activity or dynamic that’s especially upsetting to you? maybe you’re okay with text but not visual and audio? that may be useful to know for future explorations; I’m all for you easing yourself into engaging with things that make you uncomfortable in small doses, but only if you can do it in a way that’s minimally distressing. 

if you do some reflecting and realize, “oh, I have ESPECIALLY bad reaction when the sex involves twelve time-travelling viking werewolves all getting it on in a denny’s dumpster,” maybe it’s time to start avoiding the time-travelling werewolf viking public orgy erotica. (that’s obviously an extremely specific example, but it could be something much more subtle that you find upsetting - particular behaviors, terminology, scenarios, and so on. lots of people don’t like the fairly ubiquitous trope of characters hooking up after they’ve been drinking, for instance, because of how it can complicate matters of consent.)

if, having done that soul searching, your conclusion is “no, I think it’s just sex in general that profoundly upsets me and makes me feel wildly unpleasant,” then I have great news - the answer is to stop intentionally seeking that out. just... stop looking at the thing that makes you feel bad. sexual imagery is definitely hard to avoid in Our Society(TM) but you can at least make things easier on yourself by not seeking it out on purpose.